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word of the week Reticents: The last five dollars in a college
student’s bank account, which they are hesitant to spend. “Emilio only had $2.36 in reticents in his bank account, so he put the ramen back on the shelf and left the grocery store hungry.”
page 4
The
Top 10
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ways to Make them remember you
All right soldiers, time to nut up. This semester’s days are numbered and you’ve yet to mark the campus as yours. No, stop. We like your initiative, but please zip your pants back up; we’ve got bigger ideas. 10.) Shake things up like it’s Harlem: Those frat dudes who got, like, way internet-famous from drunkenly spouting off in the Grove on election night hardly even did anything and now everyone’s like, “You start a riot? You must go hard.” They can be topped. First you’ll need to go double agent and convince MSU to flash trash the grove, then organize an Ole Miss Harlem shake on the same date. A few bottles of Green Label, a well placed hotty toddy, and boom. Instant riot.
It’s kind of really awesome here Barney Thompson wrote this Oxford might not be a big hot shot town like New York, L.A., or the safer parts of Memphis, but by no means does that make us any less hip to what the kids are vibing; some even call us the Huddle House of southern culture. You wouldn’t believe the crazy shit that goes down once the Mississippi heat starts getting to the locals. Rumor is that last summer they actually had a real, name brand Slip ‘n Slide; pretty impressive, right? So when you’re driving out of Oxford for the summer, think about some of the crazy awesome things going down without you. While spending the summer on the orange beaches sounds pretty swanky, how can you afford to miss the fermented-hops god sacrifice? Every summer, during the warmest day of the year, all in attendance pour a 40 out in hopes of satisfying the great fermented deity. Those who pay honor will be shown favor, blessed with a bottomless bladder and the will to not leave at halftime. To dishonor the hops god is to to be that kid who passes out on the first game day in his own vomit, then wanders to Subway around midnight only to be told that they’re out of teriyaki chicken; it’s pretty awful. A little too cultish for you? Fair enough, 40 ounces of alcohol is a lot to waste. For some innocent family fun, the square will have La’Vonte the chicken roaming around all summer for the kids and less-than-sober adults to chase and converse with. For those familiar with Oxford’s famous chick chasing, you might notice the name change. Last summer our town fowl, Peter, was the victim of a hit and run “accident” involving a Abner’s employee; a tragedy that still impacts our lives every day.
Fowl fun aside, if you only stop in for one thing this summer, you’ll want it to be the annual milk truck. Fair warning though, milk day is by the far the most ruthless, dangerous time of the year. With the next truck not coming for another 365, things can get a little hairy. Alleyways might as well be called get-stabbed-for-a-gallon-ways. You may be thinking, “Wow, only one milk truck a year? Seems like your milk is gonna spoil.” Well, it doesn’t. Those are just curds of concentrated love. You should really know these kinds of things, being in college and all. If you prefer to stay on the less absurdist side of things, you can always check out the 2nd annual grabbling tournament in June at Sardis Lake. For those who don’t know, grabbling is when you stick your bare hands into dark crevices in the water in hopes of finding a fish; they do run the risk of finding things less friendly than fish, which makes it very spectator-friendly. A few lucky fans might even be lucky enough to catch thumbs, fingers, maybe even a toe or wedge of nose as the grabblers have to deal with rabid turtles and snakes who don’t care if you meant to grab Nemo, they’re finishing what you started. While Oxford might not be the most exciting town to spend a summer in, there are at least a few things to keep you entertained when stumbling around the square a day drunk or sprinting through the woods on shrooms gets old. So if you get tired of spending your vacation days in one of America’s awesome culture capitals, take a trip down to the dusty south and grab yourself some dairy.
9.) The people’s snack: The fact that Ole Miss doesn’t have an official snack is simply embarrassing, how are we ever going to gain the national respect we strive for when we have no pre-packaged treat emblazoned on a banner? We aren’t. So it’s up to you to give our school a snack to rally behind, and what better choice than the sweet illustrious Twinkie. As noble as it is full of preservatives, the Twinkie is a beacon of honor and virtue. 8.) Be the hero we neither need nor want: With the campus seemingly split in half by their choice of mascot, what better time to finally use that super hero costume you totally didn’t make your freshman year because you didn’t have any friends and watched the entirety of Adam West’s Batman. And remember, if they try to tase you: stop, drop, and roll. 7.) Do the burning man: This one is kind of a bad idea, but it’s gonna work like a charm. Buy all the Germ-x the Dollar Store has and invest in a flame-thrower. Gather your supplies and head to the front of the Union. Cover your body in the disinfectant then have your buddy open fire on you while screaming, “This is global warming!” Once you’re properly ablaze, sprint through campus spreading your message like a forest fire. 6.) Pups on parade: Playing with puppies outside of the Union can be a great stress reliever, but you know what’s better? Filling your pockets with those awesome Scooby Snack dog treats and having the puppies follow you through your day to day activities on campus. People are gonna forget the guy who kicked that winning field goal, no one is going to forget that chill dude who had twenty puppies following him around all day in parade formation. Do keep in mind that these adorable creatures haven’t been housebroken in the slightest though. 5.) Be Katt Williams: Katt has been keeping himself and law enforcement pretty busy lately, and while most would use him as an example in an after-school special, at The Black Sheep we see it more as having the bar set. Take to the streets in a big wheel and start slapping every retail employee you see. If things start going south, begin shouting “ting-ting.” 4.) Start an underground graffiti tag campaign: The time has come for the student body to get what they deserve, and damn it they deserve a Chic-fil-A vending machine on every floor of every dorm on campus. After hours of vigorous “studying,” nothing gets you back on your feet like the nutrition contained in Chic-fil-A’s vitamin-rich sandwiches. 3.) Make it rain: Finals can be a real drag, and by the end of the week the Vyvanse is hardly helping, so why not put the pep back into your fellow student’s step and rent a crop duster filled with the devil’s snow. Food sales are gonna dip, but you’ll have never seen a more productive campus. 2.) Start playing hardball: No, not the Keanu movie; though it was a classic. What you need to is go to Starkville and steal their mascot, not the actual dog, but the person who dresses up like one and dances around; if you have trouble tracking them down just look for the disappointed father. It’s kind of really illegal and some might call it kidnapping, but by the end of it you’ll have a freshman following you around with a boom box playing “remember the name” on repeat. 1.) Damn the man: A black bear isn’t cool, you know what’s cool? A giant hand-carved ivory statue of Colonel Reb erected in the middle of the walk of champions. You’ll need a helicopter and Han Solo-esque pilot capable and willing to make the high risk delivery; if they have a hard to understand and unusually hairy friend, even better.
barney thompson wrote this
From the Streets
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Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
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TUESDAY
$6 Jumbo BBQ Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries) $1 PBR & Keystone
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WEDNESDAY
THE page 8
THE RIDDLE
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passing the bar
page 9
If you're too cool for Burnett's or stopped shooting Smirnoff months ago, well la-di-dah. Test your knowledge on these blank liquor labels to see how well you know your stuff. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll win a prize.
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Your Guide To Surviving Finals at Ole Miss Joshua Barnett wrote this First off, let’s get something out of the way here. Here at the The Black Sheep, sure we enjoy the occasional Monday morning case race, but we take finals seriously. The majority of this semester we were too busy settling our vendettas against any keg that crossed our path to actually open a book, much less study it. In turn, if we want to have our parents pay for school, we need to stay in school. Now let’s talk finals. If you’re a freshman, it’s going to be ok. We know this is the most stressful week of your life so far and you can’t imagine life getting any harder, but don’t use this stress as an excuse to spend every night on the Square running up your parent’s platinum card. Just follow these tips and you should be fine. Stay away from the J.D. Williams Library, and the Library. Neither one is good for you during this time. If we have to tell you why going to the Library, as in the bar, is not going to help you pass your finals, you should just go ahead and quit reading. If you think you’re going to go to J.D. Williams Library and actually get any studying done, you’re sadly mistaken. That place is packed more full than the Grove on the day of the Egg Bowl. You’re better off finding your own small quiet corner on campus. Seriously, there are tons of well-hidden secret places to study. Almost every building has a basement or a hidden room with chairs and outlets that the general public doesn’t know about. Surprisingly, Ole Miss’ Wi-Fi reaches these places even though it won’t reach to most of the O.U.T. bus stops on campus. They’re not hard to find, but be warned, Ole Miss students are ruthlessly territorial about their studying space, and unlike a real black bear, they won’t back down from a challenge to protect their overstuffed chair. If you’re absolutely determined to wade through the zombie-like horde of students in J.D. Williams Library, there may or may not be a small room up some stairs with no windows that not many
people know about. If you do happen upon this place, make sure you bring some sage as we’re pretty sure it’s haunted, probably by the angry ghost of Colonel Reb. So, you’ve got the brief on libraries and what not to do. Now, let’s talk caffeine. There are a lot of coffee drinkers on campus, and only two places to get your fix. Keep that in mind when you try to get your Venti Carmel Foam Sugar Pumpkin Chocolate Latte ten minutes prior to your first final. Every sorority sister at Ole Miss will be there to pay ten dollars for a sixteen ounce drink. If you’re a guy and got offended we didn’t include you, let’s be honest, you’re not a real man if you get your caffeine from a drink that sounds like it should be a candle at Bed, Bath & Beyond. So, the lesson here is, figure out another place to get your caffeine. Personally, we just carry CamelBaks full of Red Bull for the entire week of finals. It’s efficient and convenient, and if we get bored we can always add vodka. Once you’ve got your caffeine situation under control, you should plan when to be where. Look at your schedule and see where your finals are. If you haven’t done this already, you should consider it. There’s nothing like heading to the room in Bryant Hall where your German class has met all semester, only to realize after you’ve finished the exam that you were supposed to be in the Trent Lott Center and you just took a final for the History of Feminism in 20th Century America. We’ve only done that once, and we got an A. It just happened to be in the wrong class. But you won’t do that, you’re too smart. Plan to park ahead of time. Obviously, you should get there early. Your professor isn’t going to forgive you for missing the exam because you were circling The Tad Pad waiting for that next Mercedes to pull out. We would suggest finding a spot to camp out on campus all week. Just park your car somewhere close, like by
the madlib
Vaught-Hemingway Stadium, then pitch a tent on the Grove. It’s not like UPD is going to ask you to leave, just tell them you’re doing it for charity or some shit. This way, you’ll be on time to all your finals and have a bitchin’ parking spot. Yeah, finals can be a terrifying monster that haunts your dreams until you forget what morning wood even is, but with the right preparations even you could pass without a broken sweat. Take these tips to heart and the likelihood of you dropping a stress deuce midway through the test that will define the rest of your life is much, much lower. Good luck, and may the Colonel be with you.
the ride home with the parents
A white __1__ pulled up to the front of Radcliff to sweep me away home for the summer. “I see you’ve been enjoying yourself,” said my dad as he loaded a box full of __2__ into the car’s less than spacious trunk. I crossed my fingers hoping he wouldn’t spot my __3__ wrapped up in one of my “I Love Ole Miss” t-shirts. After the car was loaded and we were headed back to __4__ the questions began to flow. “Are you still seeing that girl,” my dad asked, __5__. “No, no, no,” I said, a little __6__ that they suspected I had __7__ her last night. “I was at the library __8__. I swear, I haven’t seen __9__ since the fall. I heard she was __10__ with __11__ these days.” The look on my father’s face was one of __12__, yet my mother looked __13__ . “Honey, I hope that __14__ __15__ hasn’t been toying with your heart. I know y'all __16__ for six months, but you should move on. There’s plenty of __17__ in the sea.” I sighed slowly, thinking “What Would William Faulkner Do?” So, I broke open my __18__ and took a big swig of __19__. I didn’t think my parents would catch on so quickly that I’d had __20__ with so many __21__. At least they couldn’t tell that I was high on __22__ .
1) Vehicle 2) Noun, plural 3) Noun, plural 4) Hometown 5) Adjective 6) Adjective 7) Verb, past tense 8) verb-ing 9) Girl’s name 10) Verb 11) Fraternity 12) Adjective 13) Adjective 14) Animal 15) Same as #9 16) Verb, past tense 17) Animal 18) Noun 19) Liquor 20) Verb, past tense 21) Noun, plural 22) Drug
page 3
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are you smarter than?
Sikes Orvis, Ole Miss baseball Catcher 1) Technology: Who is the largest cell phone service provider in the United States? __________________________________________________
6) Slogans: What car company trumps themselves as the "Ultimate Driving Machines"? __________________________________________________
2) The Wild: The black mamba is the most poisonous what in the world? __________________________________________________
7) Famous Speeches: Which President of the United States issued a warning against the rise of the militaryindustrial complex in his farewell address? __________________________________________________
3) History: Bushido was a way of life practiced by these romanticized warriors of days past. __________________________________________________ 4) Comedy: Famously, where does SNL character Matt Foley live? __________________________________________________ 5) Sports: In 2012 R.A. Dickey won what prestigious award? __________________________________________________
9) Current Events: The bombs used in the recent Boston Marathon bombings were housed in what? __________________________________________________ 10) TV: What much-loved TV show sparked rumors of a comeback ten years after going off the air? __________________________________________________
1) Verizon 2) Snake 3) Samurai 4) In a van down by the river 5) Cy Young/NL Cy Young 6) BMW 7) Dwight D. Eisenhower 8) Friedrich Engels 9) Pressure cookers 10) Friends
correct answers
8) Politics: Who co-authored 1848's The Communist Manifesto with Karl Marx? __________________________________________________
Meet The Staff campus manager McKenzie Griffin
marketing team Anna Beerman, Kaitlyn Brennan
editorial manager Barney Thomspon
campus director Brendan Bonham
Writers McKenzie Griffin, Barney Thomspon Joshua Barnett
owner Atish Doshi
distribution manager Austin Harrison
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Promotional manager Kaitlyn Brennan
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
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sikes' answers 1.) AT&T 2.) Don’t know but it sounds dangerous. 3.) …Sounds about right. 4.) New York 5.) CY Young
6.) Ford, since it's an American car. 7.) Abraham Lincoln 8.) JFK? 9.) Back Packs 10.) 90210
sikes' score: 1/10 correct
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
the Quiz
What famous Ole Miss Alum are you?
1.) You came to Ole Miss… a) To make daddy proud. b) To make a big entrance from day one. c) In my Saab with the cotton field in the rear-view mirror. 2.) Your favorite thing to eat in Oxford is… a) The Big Nasty… Ajax here I come! b) All I need is my scotch and smoking pipe. c) Tailgating food at the Grove. When people leave me alone long enough to enjoy it, that is. 3.) You can describe your style as… a) Hipster chic, but still serious. Like a barista striving for a law degree. b) Cool with rugged good looks. c) Unique. You can say I’m a trend-setter. 4.) Most of your weekends are spent… a) Crawling in the underground tunnels of Oxford. b) Strutting my stuff on the Square, high fiving strangers as I pass. c) At Swayze cheering on the team I wish I was on.
By: McKenzie Griffin
5.) Your friends at Ole Miss… a) Only care about meeting my family for some reason… b) I seem to make more enemies than friends here. c) Use me to deal with Oxford cops. I know my rights and can get creative with my pig insults. 6.) If you see a $20 laying on the street you… a) Stay on my side of the street. I’ve caused a lot of trouble in this town; I don’t want to get jumped. b) Give it to some girl as a thanks at the end of the night. c) Pick that shit up! I need more money for scotch. 7.) Academically you… a) Are a sponge, soaking up everything I need to be rich and famous one day. b) Are smarter than the rest of these damn fools. I’m going to make everyone know it too. c) Could care less. I’m banking on my muscles to make my millions. 8.) The legacy you want to leave behind is… a) A big-ass statue… Yep, that’s all. b) Carrying on the family name c) You don’t have to get a job in what you major in. This is America -- think bigger than this town.
answers answers answers answers answers
1.) a.1 b.3 c.2 • 2.) a.1 b.2 c.3 • 3.) a.2 b.1 c.3 • 4.) a.3 b.1 c.2 • 5.) a.1 b.3 c.2 • 6.)a.3 b.1 c.2 • 7.) a.2 b.3 c.1 • 8.) a.3 b.1 c.2
8-13 points: Eli Manning, QUarterback You are quite the stud on campus. Maybe not a Marshall Henderson or Nkemdiche brother, but your confident personality still gets you laid. One day you’ll be sitting in the skybox with your smoking hot trophy wife.
14-19 points: John Grisham, AUthor You’re from a humble upbringing. Mississippi is the fuel to your creative fire. Despite the fact you actually take school seriously, people still like you. You don’t quite know what you want to do in life yet, but one thing’s for sure: people are going to know your name.
20-24 points: James Meredith, civil rights activist You cause quite the scene on campus. You aren’t scared to step out of the box and do something different. Sure, you’ve caused a fight or two, but they were definitely asking for it. Fifty years from now you’ll still be rocking an Ole Miss baseball cap in the Grove and not giving a shit about what other people think.
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