PITT FALL ISSUE 1 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

Fall 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

WHAT YOUR STREET SAYS ABOUT YOU TOP 10: PEOPLE YOU’LL MAKE (AND FOGET) THIS WEEK CARSON CITY’S BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E ! W N O I T A N R E H T N PA

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Tommy Szeltner ADVERTISING MANAGER Madison Connelly WRITERS Dan Lampman Jessie Iacullo Joe Weidman Rebecca Tasker Tyler Hensley Sophie Greger

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Quinn Myers OWNER Atish Doshi

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SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Samantha Schwartz

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.” Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game. I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

how to obtain money now that you’ve been fired from your summer job... JULIE wrote this

START HERE!

WHY DID YOU GET FIRED?

I’m just a bad employee

“Creative differences”

START HERE! how quickly do you need money?

ARE YOU TECH SAVVY?

so you have trouble with authority?

I’m a pure cinnamon roll

I could wait a few days Like, yesterday

Screw the “Man”

Enough I still own a flip phone

I wasn’t bullied for nothing

are you a hoarder?

do your parents love you?

We cool

thoughts on medical procedures?

Define “love”...

Maybe

Naw man

I’m open to options Hard pass

is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

are you cool with possibly being arrested?

No I don’t think so I would do sex stuff

what is your ideal vacation

I’m down

but are you smart?

Vegas, baby! Backpacking through Europe

are you feeling lucky?

Yeah, street smart

are you cute? E = extremely so Lucky to be alive

My mom says so!

Like a punk Hella cute

My stuff is

donate plasma

start gambling

marry rich

sell your crap online

beg your parents

become a hacker

Skills Needed: Ability to sit still for an hour, reliable transportation, and no fear of needles

Skills Needed: Luck of the Irish, respect for Native Americans, and a tolerance for a lot of cigarette smoke.

Skills Needed: Pretty head, good in bed, and ability to smell wealthy, gullible people like a bloodhound.

Skills Needed: An eBay account from 2008, packing peanuts, and complete lack of nostalgia for anything you used to own.

Skills Needed: Middle-to-upper class background, a good puppy-dog face, and no sense of self-respect.

Skills Needed: Ability to code, a friendship with the group Anonymous, and a “V for Vendetta” mask.

a ladies’ guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you. - Molly wrote this

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship! - Amanda wrote this

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you. Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now. Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits. Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home. Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you. Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates. So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice. 4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both. 3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday. 2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary! 1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that. By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later. ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week. TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it. Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 8th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once. GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you. You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd. Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 7th. CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 15th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 12th. VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 21st. LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft. They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside. Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 19th, they’ll want to ketchup with you. SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 16th. CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero. They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked. Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 22nd this month. AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once. Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you. Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 23rd. PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good. Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 14th.

JULIE wrote this

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0? KEVIN ZEDACK

“Lick the floor of SAE.”

OAKLAND ASTROLOGY:

WHAT YOUR STREETS SAYS ABOUT YOU Dan Lampmann wrote this

Some use horoscopes, some get palm readers, some go on Ancestry.com and look for where they come from, but the only true way to know yourself is to take a long dark look at the street you live on.

JOHN HELLER

“Perform ‘Careless Whisper’ in a man thong in front of the entire band.”

Why is this an indication of the person you are? It’s because some streets are quaint and tree-lined while others look like every street on WVU’s campus: covered in trash, food remnants, and various bodily fluids. To make it easy on you, The Black Sheep has been kind enough to provide a detailed analysis of your personality according to the street you live on. Bouquet: “Fear of real life” and “money to blow” describe these residents. They live in South Oakland, but lack the courage to deal with landlords so they hide out in Pitt’s student apartments. Little do they know they are blowing their parents’ money on dumb stuff like sturdy foundations and reliable heatinstead of necessities like beer, pizza, and more beer. Oakland: “Work hard and play harder” is the motto of these free spirits. Whether it’s 20 below or 90 degree heat, these cool cats are on their porches with an I.C. Light, snapchatting away their Friday afternoon. Atwood: Much like this street’s monuments of shame, Antoon’s and Sorrento’s, you have an appetite for the cheap and reckless. Your position close to the liquor store and Starbucks speaks to your intense hangovers and the need for a baptism in espresso. “Fuck Penn State” chants erupt on the hour. Meyran: Choose a building, select an apartment, find their closet, and we guarantee you will find a life sized cutout of Sofia Vergara licking a popsicle. Ok, maybe that’s only one apartment, but our boner is still very confused. Semple: You know those kids who never say a word in class until one day

they raise their hands and your expecting some sort of intellectual proclamation based on all the information they have listen to in the class, but instead they shriek out like a Atwood girl who broke her third heel this week? Yeah, imagine an entire street of these kids. At least they’re close to Mellinger’s. McKee: See Meyran, only this time it’s your mom licking the popsicle. Ward: Located next to the highway (so you know it’s safe), when someone says they lost their ID in a disgusting bathroom somewhere in South Oakland chances are it was on Meyran, but they definitely woke up on an inflatable mattress on Ward Street with a toy sword in their belt. Bates: Beautiful, organic, good ol’ fashion fun! These residents live the life of kings and queens. They have Mad Mex on the corner, an Italian market for their fresh produce needs, and Bootleggers around the corner for their debauchery. These residents know they’re on top even if they live down the Hill. Deep South O: Imagine, you’re chilling in Dante’s Inferno with an awful ratio of random old men and you’re about to enter the first ring. Well that entrance is Boulevard of the Allies and across it are the rest of the rings, a Mad Max wasteland of shattered bottles and dreams.

So whether you’re all torqued up sitting on a porch on Meyran or deep in a cheesy pit of shame and marinara on Atwood, the street you live on this year is going to impact your life here at Pitt. The Black Sheep wishes you well, and remember, if you find yourself in Deep South O surrounded by street cats, don’t look any of them in the eye.

RYLEY ANDERSON

“Everything you would do for a Klondike Bar, but with gusto and heavy petting.”

Twitter THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT THURSDAY

Gene’s Place Hemingway’s

SATURDAY SUNDAY MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY

All Day Everyday:

All Day Everyday: $1.75 22oz Old German drafts $4.50 Old German pitchers

$5 Miller Lt. pitchers, $1.50 ML drafts $6 Yuengling pitchers $8 Blue Moon pitchers $8 Founders All Day IPA pitchers $3 Red Hook Long Hammer IPA Btls. $3.50 Shock Top bottles

$3 22oz Guinness Drafts

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All Day Everyday: $1.75 22oz Old German drafts $4.50 Old German pitchers $1.75 22oz Straub Drafts

FRIDAY

@BLACKSHEEP_PITT

Every Night: 10pm - 12am $2 OFF ALL DRAFTS $2.50 Bell’s Two Hearted Ale

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$1.75 22oz Festival Drafts

$2.50 Victory Hop Devil

All Day Everyday: $1.75 22oz Old German drafts $4.50 Old German pitchers

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$2.50 Pitcher (the pitcher changes from week to week!)

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$3.75 Pitchers of Festival Beer

$2.50 Lagunitas IPA

All Day Everyday: $1.75 22oz Old German drafts $4.50 Old German pitchers

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Trivia on Tap with Harrison & Marty: 10pm NO COVER CHARGE! $1.75 22oz Miller Lite Drafts

$2.50 Southern Tier Live Pale Ale Every Night: 10pm - 12am $2 OFF ALL DRAFTS

Jimmy D’s SATURDAY: 9 - 11:30pm $2 Well Drinks $2 Bud Lights NO COVER CHARGE! 10pm - Midnight 50¢ Well Drinks $1 Miller Lites

Peter’s Pub Any Time, Any Day: $2 Blue Moon $5.50 Bud Light Pitchers

Happy Hour Special: 5 - 7pm $2.50 All Drafts

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Any Time, Any Day: $2 Blue Moon $5.50 Bud Light Pitchers Fishbowl Night: 10pm - Midnight $5.50 Fishbowls! Happy Hour Special: 5 - 7pm $2.50 All Drafts

BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

TORI DADY AT CARSON CITY SALOON

Relationship Status: Single Major: Legal studies Favorite Drink: Screwdriver Favorite Shot: Jello shots, or vodka. Disgusting Drink: Anything with gin! What’s going to be all the drinkin’rage this school year?: Jello shots on Friday and Saturday nights, or the $2.50 margaritas on Friday! Where’s the best place for a sneaky makeout sesh in Carson City Saloon?: Definitely the basement hallway. What’s the best thing that happened to you this summer?: Well…I’m still waiting. What’s something you wish

someone told you when you were a freshman?: Always be friendly, but never be fake! Which 2 swear words are best put together?: Fucking shit. What is the laziest way to avoid the freshman 15?: Always walk to class in a hurry because you’re running late to burn calories, and avoid fried foods at Market! What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?: A campus squirrel, because, they’re very hyper, all over campus…and like, nuts. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s written by drunk people, for drunk people!

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

PAGE 10

THE TOP TEN

FRIENDS YOU’LL MAKE (AND FORGET) YOUR FIRST WEEK The Black Sheep has made many friends during its days here at Pitt, and has also lost around 75% of those friends simply because we forgot to text them back. Incoming freshmen must learn that they will make more friends than they ever could imagine their first week here at Pitt, but also that you only keep two of them.

The Hat That Saw Too Much Joe Weidman wrote this A freshman’s trucker hat becomes sentient and is awakened on a Friday night. He immediately regrets sentience. This is his story. 9:42 p.m. I was just about to fall off the shelf, when I see the light. Then, a hand grabs me. I am thrust back into the world, back into the light, no longer on The Shelf in The Darkness. The hand puts me on a head, and I feel the familiar brown wavy hair of Brad. But we are in a new place. This wasn’t his bedroom in upstate New York before a house party at Billy’s, this was what looked like a prison cell. Brad is hanging out with eight male strangers tightly packed intoa pie-slice-shaped room. They call themselves “freshmen” and keep saying how much they hate “Tower A.” 10:10 p.m. They’ve been sitting around a while, drinking from two weird plastic flasks full of brownish liquid with “Fireball” written on the front. Then, one kid hides the flasks in his backpack, and we go outside. It is nighttime, around 10 p.m. by my hat-senses. Brad turns me backwards to “look swaggy,” but I still see everything. After all, Brad and I are stone cold Booty Hunters. We walk down what the freshmen call “Towers’ steps” where they say everyone “blows chunks.” Whatever that is, I hope Brad does it. It sounds cool to my hat-brain. We go past Dunkin’ Donuts and The O, then at some point, we take a left down a street the “address guy” called McKee. 10:22 p.m. We walk up to a house in “South O” that sounds like it’s going to collapse from the sounds coming from inside. Brad and the freshmen hand some dude with gauges a five, and someone marks Brad with a Sharpie so he can “finna get at that keg stand, fam.” When we enter this old, smelly house. The floor looks ready to cave in, and there is a long line for the bathroom. It is crowded with males and the occasional female. Everyone has these red cups and more foamy brownish liquid. Brad and the strangers obtain more liquid, and one of the strangers sees something outside and yells “hell yeah, they got that dank ass kush” then rushes outside. 10:34 p.m. Brad and his friends go to this dark place below the ground floor where the music is. I spot six couples making out against all four walls and like ten more vigorously dancing together. Brad starts to show me off, and turns me forward. Immediately, I go into Booty Hunting mode, and a suitable candidate starts talking to Brad. She’s wearingsuffocatingly tight black pants on and a crop top. Brad and her walk over to the floor and start dancing to ridiculous music. Brad grabs the female’s hindquarters, and starts thrusting the female’s exposed and shaking behind in a movement I heard one of the freshmen call “grinding.” I fall off Brad’s head. 12:47 a.m. I lie on the dirty, damp, and rancid-smelling ground a long time. Is this my it? Is this the end? I sit next to what I hope is a candy wrapper with “Trojan” written on it. Some other tool picks me up and wears me for a while. Brad finally finds me and reclaims me; he has courted the Booty enough that she wants to leave with him. Brad walks home — arm around the female, me turned backwards again. We go into a place where the female’s bed is. She calls it North Holland, and Brad calls her a NOHO. She laughs, then the lights dim and clothes come off. 12:48 a.m. I cannot say what my master is doing, it seems like a combination of hugging, fighting, eating, and a little like that Thing He Does to Himself When He Wears Me in the Shower. It smells terrible and there is too much kissing. They are finished quickly and the female asks him, “is that all?”Brad hurriedly dresses and leaves while she berates him. Brad ends up “blowing chunks on Towers’ steps.” It is not as cool as I thought. We return to his room, and he puts me back on The Shelf in The Darkness. I am afraid I have lost Brad.

10.) The Huge Nerd: He’s a super nice guy and you’re going to bond with him over a shared failure of a match on Super Smash Bros. in your dorm lobby. Sadly though, you’ll soon find out that his late nights of Magic the Gathering and your schedule of playing Clash of Clans 24/7 don’t really line up. 9.) The Fit One: You’re going to find this guy during your dorm hall orientation doing pushups and sayingthat his favorite things are, “football, working out, and protein.” You’ll talk for maybe five minutes and exchange numbers to set up a workout schedule together, but when he follows through with a text next week, you’ll just end up hiding in your room eatingCheetos all day (again) instead. 8.) The Political One: This one will be quiet and polite to you until you accidentally end up seeing them in Market Central, causing an awkward game of, “Who’ll invite the other to sit with them first.” Once you say anything to them about what you believe, you’re in for a can of, “Damn Liberals/Conservatives,” until you end up never talking to them again, because you want to have a conversation without bringing up the Trans-Pacific Partnership or those pesky “women” and their “rights.” 7.) The One Who Asks You for a Pencil: You’re gonna have to sign some stupid liability form and this one won’t have a pencil, because who the hell carries writing implements in a learning institution? Your eyes will meet, they’ll say a heartfelt “thank you,” and then forget you ever existed within five minutes. But you’ll always have that moment, though not that pencil because it’s gone forever. 6.) The One From Outside Philly: This person will comprise two thirds of the people you meet at Pitt. In fact, you’re one of these people too. Spend time with this friend by entering a “who is the most Philly” pissing contest. Winner gets a cheesesteak. Loser is getsbooed back to Delaware. 5.) The Storyteller: They’ve got stories about them and their buddies from high school to last you a lifetime. They’ll be the talk of the dorm hall for a week until a mutual high school classmate outs them, and everyone finds out they lied and did nothing more than chug their stepdad’s booze in their garage for four years. Then they’ll slink into the shadows, never to be seen again. 4.) That Club You Signed Up For: All of those clubs sound super cool, don’t they? The Pitt Writer’s Club, The Quidditch Club, The Necronomiclub. You can’t help but sign your name and email to get on the member’s list. With your busy schedule of doing homework and drinking many different types of alcohol, you’re going to realize that two clubs is too many and just dedicate 100% of your time to Quidditch Club. 3.) The Musical One: You’ll jam with this gal in between classes for a few days. People will come from all over Tower B to hear your acoustic version of “Back To Back,” but all good bands must come to an end. You’ll soon realize that she’s not falling for your “tortured musician” act and start jamming with other people. Keep her number though, she might end up on the cover of Rolling Stone Pitt Magazine’s music sectionsome day. 2.) The One From Another Culture: Dude, you just crossed the language barrier and made friends with some foreign kid! You’re gonna go down to Szechuan Express and they’ll tell you the best thing to get, but you’ll soon realize that you’re actually too lame and uncultured to do anything not-American. But who needs friends when you can get Five Guys every day? USA! USA! USA! 1.) Yourself: You know that promise you made to eat healthier and save up money for that pet monkey you always wanted? Well you’ll forget about all of that the second classes start and proceed to spend all your money on ramen and stuff to put on a shelf and look at. Oh well, at least there’s next year.

Tyler Hensley wrote this

BOOZE REVIEW Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka Grade: B+

Staff wrote this

After many a horrid experience back when it was the go-to drink simply for being “cheap as shit,” we’ve done a pretty decent job of blocking the hideous fragrances and collective aftertastes of devil’s brews like Burnett’s and Pinnacle. But sometimes, there comes a moment in a man’s life where he just needs, well, a girl’s night. Aptly labeled and named, Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka looks exactly like the sort of juice a red winetoting trophy wife would pour herself several glasses of. Except it’s, you know, vodka. Smells Like: Berries, but more specifically, the non-specifically vague ones that have to exist in the world of triple distillation. Tastes Like: Exactly what berry-flavored vodkas should have been tasting like since your first misguided puke caused by them. Ménage à Trois lives up to its French namesake in that it actually earns its French namesake. Not sure about the prospective threesome, though. Typical Drinkers: - Hardcore grandmas wanting to enjoy Golden Girls with something other than prune juice and insulin. - The girl in the group who reluctantly accepts an invitation to a “cheap wine girl’s night.” - A horny desperado who thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will be the night where a liquor’s name doesn’t fail him.

- The “Ha! Enjoy your less than $20 vodka, peasant” vodka connoisseur. User Comments: - “It… it doesn’t burn… SWEET BABY JESUS, IT DOESN’T BURN!” - “Y’all wanna watch Sex and the City followed by Predator 2 later on?” - “Wow, this is so good that I can probably take it strai- UGH, no, never mind.” - “I can’t believe those two girls slapped me in the face simultaneously. Thanks, Ménage à Trois…” You’ll Like This if You Like: Coming back to your old, alcohol-based squeeze’s loving embrace, even if it did leave you alone and crying on several nights. Best Described as the Last Ballsy Line of Defense You’ll Use on a Crush: “Ménage à Trois? Pourquoi, oui, mon chéri.” What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart. Thank God you came through. This family party fucking blows.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Strawberry lollipops, bonbons, assorted dark chocolate truffles, perfume. We Mixed With: Coke, Diet Coke, the Tears of Sexually Frustrated Men

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance. Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang. - For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot. - Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that. - When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose. - If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place. - If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. - Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface. - Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine. - Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.” - Wait a certain amount of time, you decide. - Carefully remove from oven. - Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester. - Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

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If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

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The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts. Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner. Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart. You’ve got a real mess on your hands. Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day. In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole. Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy. Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole. Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe. Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair. Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain. Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system. STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested. STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next. STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs. It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot. STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time. STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name. But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not. Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

WORD BANK 1) Container/ volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.) 2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year

8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show

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