The Black Sheep
F RAN REE... DOS LIKE DUR SNU ING GGL A P ING OL A WIT RV H O RT EX.
Vol. 2, Issue 2
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
1/30/14 - 2/12/14
DISASTER STRIKES AT SUPER/PUPPY BOWL DUE TO SCHEDULING CONFLICT BY: PU STAFF EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY – In a dramatic turn of events, hundreds of football players and puppies were admitted to St. Ballsack General Hospital today after a fatal scheduling conflict. Due to the deadly snafu, Super Bowl XLVIII and the Puppy Bowl were scheduled not only on the same date and time, but in the very same venue. Sources say that organizers of both the Super Bowl and Puppy Bowl had simply forgotten when and where the other event was, and scheduled them without double-checking. The game started out like any other Super Bowl. Fans rolled in with their faces painted and wearing their favorite team’s jersey. However, they were surprised to be joined in the stands by hundreds of animals. Cats and dogs made their way through the crowd to their reserved seats at MetLife stadium to sit alongside the fans to watch the game. When the players came out, several puppies hurried out of a locker room tunnel on the opposite side of the stadium. Thinking it was a gimmick, players from both the Broncos and Seahawks brushed it off and started the game as normal. However, the puppies remained on the field, and the first snap of the game had horrifying consequences. As soon as the ball was hiked, a golden retriever leapt towards Peyton Manning, biting his arm right off. A yellow flag flew in the air from one of the refs and a miniature poodle caught it in its mouth. “Unnecessary Ruffness,” barked the referee, who was originally hired to work the Puppy Bowl. Intrigued and confused by what was happening, NFL fans and officials on the sidelines didn’t stop the game. The madness of the game was happening too fast, as 1-year-old Australian shepherd named “Biscuit” intercepted the ball and ran it back for a touchdown. An NFL referee ruled the play dead, since Biscuit was not only not human, but also not wearing a designated uniform. However he was quickly overruled by a Puppy Bowl referee, who aptly pointed out that nowhere in the NFL rulebook does it say that a dog can’t play football, logic that also overrules the uniform penalty. This play, along with Peyton Manning’s severed arm, forged a wedge between humans and dogs on the field, and all hell broke loose. One play saw Russell Wilson proceeded to kick every whimpering pug, rolling retriever, and sleeping puppy dalmatian out of his way en route
PAGE 4 BUZZFEED NOSTALGIA THREATENS STUDENT’S COLLEGE LIFE ONE SOPHOMORE CAN’T ESCAPE THE GLORY DAYS OF 1997.
to the endzone. Another play broke out in violence when a chocolate lab puppy attempted to pounce on the football, but being too small rolled off to the side while the Broncos center Manny Ramirez was trying to hike the ball. Ramirez’s frustration with the playful pups grew to a boiling point, and he decided to “accidentally” hike the puppy to Peyton, who proceeded to chuck the squealing dog 40 yards down the Seahawk’s sideline.
Following the game, spokespeople from the NFL and Animal Planet were very apologetic to football, and puppy football fans alike, claiming that they should have better coordinated their efforts. However, this was the highest rated Super Bowl in American television history, recording over 300 million human viewers and 12 million dogs and cats, despite the bloody desolation of puppy body parts that littered the field after the game.
PAGE 5 THE SCIENCE OF THE HANGOVER
PAGES 12-13 JUSTIN BIEBEALITIES
YOU KNOW WHY YOU’RE HUNGOVER (TOO MANY FOUR LOKOS), BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHY?
AFTER BIEBER’S DUI LAST WEEK, WE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PRISON GANG HE’D BEST FIT INTO IT.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_PU• theblacksheeponline.com
>>
Meet the Staff <<
CAMPUS MANAGER Victoria Houed
OWNER Atish Doshi
ADVERTISING MANAGER David Zeltwanger
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Kyle Miller DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Tony Scott CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
QUESTIONS info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900
DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Follow us! @BLACKSHEEP_PU • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM Do you know where you are going to live during your 2014-15 school year?
We offer STUDIOS,
Only the best live behind a Basham Rentals door!
1, 2, 3, and 4-bdrm APTS & 2, 3 and 4-bdrm TOWNHOMES on Purdue Campus
Are YOU one of the best?
“Our reputation does not need persuasion.” Philip Birschbach, Leasing Agent, Purdue Class of ‘13
248 S Chauncey Ave, West Lafayette 765-743-8367 MyBashamRentals.com
WORD, MAN
#GOODTIMES #THEBLACKSHEEP
MILKYTOAST
GUESS THE MASCOT
@BLACKSHEEP_PU
To be quiet or timid in social settings because of an accurate assumption of one’s own lack of intelligence. Percy was often milkytoast in a classroom setting, for he knew he thought milquetoast was spelled that way, and that’s just stupid.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW
YOUR MEMES?
DO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THIS FAMOUS MEME? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_PU. FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!
TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_PU FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!
STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_PU FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Buzzfeed Nostalgia Threatens Freshman Student’s College Life BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF Since the beginning of second semester, Purdue sophomore Shannon Burkes has become increasingly caught up in ‘90s nostalgia. Sources closest to Burkes report that her sudden blast from the past occurred after she began viewing a series of Buzzfeed articles reminding the 20-year-old about the good old days, back in 1997. “She came back from break a completely different person,” said Burkes’ current roommate, Amanda Fitz. “I was late arriving back at school but when I got here, our room looked like someone’s storage room had exploded.” “There were Beanie Babies covering every inch of the floor along with a few Furbies who were awake and asking for food,” said RA Mindy Calaway. “She apparently spent her book money on copies of The Baby-Sitters Club and replaced all of her supplies with Lisa Frank trapper keepers and gel pens.” Burkes also reportedly hung up dozens of posters featuring past boy bands such
04
as N’SYNC and 98 Degrees as well as teen heartthrobs Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell.
asked her to be respectful, to which she obliged, until a few moments later in which she proceeded to yell, ‘NOT!’”
“We had heard about Shannon’s recent habits but we didn’t think there was anything wrong with her interest in the past,” said the girl’s father. “It wasn’t until last week that we realized her situation was much more severe.”
Witnesses claim that as Professor Leonard turned his back to write on the chalkboard, Burkes pelted him with multiple Sticky Hands and wads of Big League chewing gum before running out of the lecture hall. Campus police were able to apprehend Burkes a few blocks away as she tried to escape on her Razor scooter.
In a report given by university officials, Burkes was removed for disruption of the educational environment after an incident that occurred last Tuesday during her communication class. In a statement taken by her professor, Burkes was scheduled to present a speech but arrived over 30 minutes late for class. In the 20 minutes she was present, Burkes obsessively whacked a slap bracelet across her wrist and played on her Tamagotchi, disrupting the students in her vicinity. “I’ve never witnessed such a lack of maturity in a female college student,” said Professor Leonard. “I repeatedly
Michael Dunham.
Following a recent spike in web traffic to the Buzzfeed website, researchers have been responding to various cases across the country in which college students are experiencing abrupt changes in cognitive and physical behaviors after reading articles posted on the site.
Research supports that the popularity of the site is correlated with students focusing their interests and styles towards trendy pages as a way of obtaining positive feedback from their peers. It could also be the reason why Burkes’ demeanor changed so drastically.
“Despite efforts to educate students through more reputable news sites and blogs, college kids today are fixated on Buzzfeed articles, primarily due to their fun GIFs and ease of reading through Top Number lists,” explained psychiatrist
“In college, students often struggle to find their identity with so many different outlets at their disposal,” stated Dr. Dunham. “Shannon may believe that she reached her peak as a poster child of the
‘90s and therefore has reverted back to a time where she feels accepted as opposed to the stresses of college.” In light of this new evidence, the university has blocked the use of Buzzfeed on the campus’ network. In order to prevent future occurrences, students are being urged to read actual news instead of blog posts written by nostalgia-driven delusionists. Burkes is currently staying at home under parental supervision as her condition continues to be monitored.
THE
TOP
TEN
WAYS TO DEAL WITH THIS TUNDRA CALLED PURDUE BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF
The Science of
THE HANGOVER BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF It’s all too familiar. The pounding headache, possible vomiting, definite regret, and the horrible body pains that make it constantly seem like an alien is attempting to escape from beneath your skin. But why, god, why, do you feel this way? ‘Cause you drank too much, dumbass. But beyond that, there’s a hell of a lot of science at work in the toxic wasteland that is your body. So let’s talk about why we’re here. Yes, you were drinking all night. And therefore you were probably been peeing all night. That’s because alcohol is a diuretic. What that means, friends, is that you were pissing out more water than you were taking in. And that brings us to the first cause of your terrible hangover: serious dehydration. Your dehydrated body is very upset with you. In fact, it’s actually stealing water from anywhere it can. Oh, by the way, that includes YOUR BRAIN. This is why you have that pounding headache. Your brain is literally shrinking in an attempt to provide your body with enough water to, you know, function. So remember, water is your best friend during, before, and after a crazy drinking spree. Let’s move on to why every cell in your body is screaming in protest. This is due the way your body processes the things you put inside it. In this case, you have chosen to literally fill it with poison juice. Great job. Your liver goes through a lot of steps to turn that alcohol into harmless, easily expellable acetate. The way that acetate is produced is by these little buggers called glutathione. Unfortunately, you drank more poison than the glutathione can convert at once, and you don’t have enough to fix it. But wait! There’s more! Before the glutathione can make any acetate at all, the alcohol has to be turned into acetaldehyde. Here’s the problem: acetaldehyde is really toxic. Toxic to the tune of twenty times more than the
original alcohol! What? That’s terrible. Yes it is terrible and it’s why you feel terrible. Your body normally has enough glutathione to immediately produce acetate. But since your ass drank a ton, it can’t do that right now. This leaves all that evil acetaldehyde free to torturously tour your body until it can be converted. You are essentially more full of toxic nonsense than you were last night. How crazy bananas is that? Really crazy bananas. Knowing the science of why you feel like shit won’t make you feel better, but using some science to prevent it can. For example, fatty foods aid in slowing alcohol absorption as well as help in preventing stomach irritation. Carbohydrates can even ease nausea. So before you stuff your face with vodka, why not chow down on a slice of Bruno’s mac and cheese? Fatty foods are amazingly delicious and will keep the tiny pain chickens from running around, pecking at you internally the next day. Also, aspirin (not acetaminophen -- that will piss off your liver more) has been proven to aid in your body’s process of expelling all that booze. After a night of drinking, pop an aspirin and chug some water before bed. You’ll thank us later. Finally, if you’re really desperate to avoid that hangover, avoid dark-colored alcohol and red wine. Dark booze contains more congeners, and those are just some lovely extra toxins to deal with. Although here at The Black Sheep, we feel whiskey is worth it. Well, hasn’t this been fun-ducational! You now know why your body loathes you for your drinking choices, as well as a few ways to attempt to combat the horrible aftermath. We could say “the only true cure for a hangover is to drink less,” but we won’t because that’s just crazy talk. Instead just rely on coffee, water, and good old fashioned determination.
10.) Don’t go to class: Obviously, one of the best ways to boycott Mother Nature and her shitty sub-zero temperatures is to simply stay in bed, wrapped in an embryonic sac of blankets. If you stay warm inside you can just pretend the weather outside isn’t real and BAM, just like that, it’s spring and you’ve shed your winter cocoon for a beautiful pair of wings. Will people look at you differently for having wings? Sure they will, but ignore them. They haven’t been through what you’ve been through. 9.) Shave nothing: Everyone is bundled up, covering every inch of skin, so now is the perfect opportunity to grow out that gross body hair you keep trimming. Becoming a creature made of fur is the best way to gain a few extra degrees of insulation. Plus, letting your hair grow out will allow you to take your true form: your spirit animal. Once you’re unshaven, you will transform from everyday Rebecca to badass wolf chick. 8.) Eat everything: Ever heard of blubber? That’s right, extra fat will keep you warm as shit, and there’s also only one way to gain it: overeating. Finally you can indulge in the delicious Windsor treats without worrying or feeling guilty. Grab at least 10, no 20 to-go boxes of cookies, fries, and pizza per day. Ignore the stares of horror and just go for it. Just get fat. Fat, warm, and happy. 7.) Experiment: Experimentation will help deal with the boredom that’s sure to come from being cooped up indoors for hella long. Experimentation can range from getting bored and snorting lines of coffee grounds to crawling into bed with your roommate one night. You know, just to see what they’re into. 6.) Bonfire: Who doesn’t enjoy a good bonfire? And since it’s too cold to have one outside, bring the party to your dorm. Any old shit that you don’t want, just burn it! You and all your friends can gather ‘round, tell spooky ghost stories, roast some marshmallows, and pretend to not live in this icy, desolate hellscape. 5.) Adopt many chinchillas: Many chinchillas. All the chinchillas. These bad boys are soft as baby shit and cuddly to boot. Best of all, it is a scientific fact that chinchillas love to cuddle with their owners to keep them warm. What could possibly be warmer than 72 furry chinchillas blanketing you everywhere you go? Only 73 chinchillas. 4.) Arson: Nothing warms the soul like setting a good house on fire. This not only provides a solution for boredom, but also a great source of heat and a little insurance cash on the side if you play your cards right. Other people might not like you if you go around setting fires, but hey people don’t keep you warm, fire does. 3.) Fight club: What’s better on a frozen Saturday night than a nice beatdown? Maybe it’s because we’ve all seen one to many violent movies, but it’s undeniable that everyone enjoys a good fight. So, why not feed this urge? Get a group of friends, kick your shoes off, and take turns beating the hell out of each other. Oh, and don’t forget to record it and put it on WorldStar so everyone can see how much of a badass you are. 2.) Get drunk: If you feel like it’s too cold to go to parties, remember that dorm drinking is always a good option. A group of friends, a handle of Fireball, and a room full of sexual tension is sure to not only keep everyone entertained, but also warm some people up, if ya know what we mean. …Sex. We mean sex. 1.) Cannibalism: Have you ever looked at your roommate and thought, “Wow, he looks tasty?” This is the perfect opportunity to cure both your boredom and your blood lust. What do you mean “How does this keep you warm?” Why don’t you just shut that smart-ass trap of yours and go sit in that kiddie pool of brine before we really get mad.
05
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD TO TITLE A SONG ABOUT YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING HIGH SCHOOL MOMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED?
nior Michael, Ju
“Fat Guy in a Little Coat”
r Bryan, Senio
“Silent But Deadly”
r Mark, Junio
“Bad Day to Wear Sweats”
06
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP
Next Big Rockstar Discovered at Frat Party BY: CHRIS BOURG Cancel the rest of this season’s American Idol, because America’s newest music sensation has been found right here in West Lafayette. Junior Alex Halinski began honing his musical skills last Friday afternoon when he found a guitar under a pile of clothes in his room. “I was looking for my favorite ‘Party With Sluts’ jersey to wear to the gym when I found this guitar underneath all my dirty laundry,” Alex said. “When I saw it originally, I had no clue how it got there. Then I remembered that I stole it from some sissy emo singer at an open mic last semester when I was blacked out. I just walked up on stage and ripped it out of his hands. No one even said anything! That’s how you know he sucked.” So what inspired Alex to start actually playing the instrument? “I was thinking to myself, ‘This would be a great way to get laid.’ I knew—even though I don’t know shit about music—that I could score some serious pussy if I learned two or three songs that chicks like. Look at OneRepublic, those dudes blow ass, but I bet you they get prime pussy every night be-
cause they play guitar and girls like what they play. So yeah, tail was definitely the only motivating factor for me.” Halinski made his musical debut later that Friday night at the party held in his fraternity house. Five people attended the concert held in Alex’s room, and the performance was met with high praise and adulation from fans. “OH MY GOD I LOOOOOOOOVE THIS SONG!” remarked freshman Tiffany Hall during Halinski’s performance of the opening riff of Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.” Sophomore Jayson Tompkins said, “That guy really hit the nail on the head with his rendition of Green Day’s “Time of Your Life.” The way he kept missing notes and screwing up the intro riff sounds made him sound exactly like Billie Joe Armstrong. He got pissed when we asked him to play “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and instead started a rendition of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” in the key of B sharp. The creative freedom he takes with these classics are unbelievable. His talents are truly bottomless.”
Sophomore Mary Selvey captured Halinski’s performance on her camera phone and sent the video to everyone on her Snapchat friends list. One of the lucky recipients was Steve Barnett, Chief Executive Officer of Capitol Music Group, who was somehow added to Mary’s list after the app’s hacking earlier this month. “I was excited to receive that Snap from Mary because I was looking forward to seeing more nudes,” said Barnett. “But it ended up being better than tit pics. That grainy, vertically-shot cell phone video showcased a superstar, one that we had to have.” Barnett was so impressed with Halinski’s abilities that he immediately sent him the paperwork for a multi-million dollar record deal. The following day, a hungover Alex Halinski signed on to Capitol Records. When asked about being signed to a label that’s home to such musicians as Katy Perry and Capital Cities, Alex said, “Wait, do I get to meet Katy Perry? Dude, I wanna do a Russian on her so bad!” Capitol Music Group’s executive vice
president Michelle Jubelirer issued a statement saying, “With a talent like his, we couldn’t afford NOT to sign Alex to a deal. It would only have been a matter of time before other record labels started banging on his door offering even more lucrative contracts to have him play exclusively for them. And there was no way in hell we were going to let those sons of bitches at Sony Music have a chance at him.” Although things are moving very quickly for Halinski, he’s enjoying the rush and looking forward to his first single, “Three Minutes of Me Playing Nothing but the ‘Smoke on the Water’ Riff,” dropping at the end of January. There are also talks of
starting a country-wide tour within the coming weeks. Fame and fortune hasn’t changed Alex, though. He remains grounded by the same values he held in his humble beginnings. “I swear to God, if I don’t get laid tonight I’m quitting,” he said. “I did not put in all this time over the past three days learning these stupid songs to not have sex with hot chicks.” As for the future, Alex says, he’ll probably stick with “this music thing” until he gets bored. “Then I’ll move on to something like target shooting. Yeah, something with guns. Bitches love dudes who pack heat.”
THEFREE PLACE BBQYOU Saturday, Jan 1-5pm WANT TO18 •LIVE! + CHECK OUT OUR NEW UPGRADED AMENITIES
apply today for fall 2014 UPGRADED: COMPUTER CENTER, CARDIO ROOM, WEIGHT ROOM, TANNING BEDS, THEATER ROOM, GAME ROOM WALK TO CLASS + RESTAURANTS & RETAIL + INTERNET & CABLE INCLUDED + WASHER & DRYER PRIVATE BEDROOMS & BATHROOMS AVAILABLE + DESIGNER INTERIOR FINISHES + FULLY FURNISHED OPTIONS
CHAUNCEYSQUARE.COM • 102 N. CHAUNCEY AVE. STE F • 765.743.8000 Amenities subject to change. See office for details. While supplies last.
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend
for iPhone and ailable for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Available
Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today! Avai
The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
UV Fishbowls are Back! $11 64oz Fishbowls, $7 32oz Pitchers
SUNDAYS! $2.50 Double Well Drinks $3 Jagerbombs, $3 Fireball Shots $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Bud/Bud Light Pitchers $15 Pitcher/Pie
THURS.
$1 O Bombs, $5 Double Jack Daniels, Jack Honey, & SoCo, $2.50 Long Islands, $2.50 Double Wells
Free Hotdogs & Popcorn at Midnight! $1 Select Shot, $4.25 Fishbowls $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Coors Light Pitchers $8.75 Blue Moon Pitchers
FRI.
$1 O-Bombs $3.25 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $4 Double Wells
Free Hotdogs & Popcorn at Midnight $3 Fireball Shot, $3.25 Miller Lite/ Coors 24oz Drafts, $3.75 Jim Beam/ Red Stag Double Mixers $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.25 Blue Moon 24oz Drafts
SAT.
Open @ 7am on home football Saturdays! $1 O-Bombs, $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s, $3.25 Bacardi Mixers $4 Double Wells
Free Hotdogs & Popcorn at Midnight $3 Jagerbombs $3.25 Bud/Bud Light 24oz Drafts $4.25 Goose 312 24oz Drafts
Steady Saturdays w/ Steady B
Happy Hour! Every Friday & Saturday until 11 PM $2.00 ANY Shot $1.50 Double Wells $3.75 Coors Light Pitchers
SUN.
$2 Double Well Mixers $3 U-Call-It Shots & Top Shelf Drinks
$2.50 Double Well Drinks $3 Jagerbombs, $3 Fireball Shots $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Bud/Bud Light Pitchers $15 Pitcher/Pie
Check out your pics on our galleries @ neoncactus.biz
Happy Hour ALL Day $2.00 ANY Shot $1.50 Double Wells $3.75 Coors Light Pitchers
MON.
$1 Double Wells $3 Double Jack Daniels, Jack Honey, SoCo, $1.25 18oz Bud Light Btls 50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $3 U-Call-It Shots
Team Trivia @ 9:30pm $1.50 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Bacardi Mixed Drinks, $3.50 LIME-A-RITA/ STRAW-BER-RITA $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers
Join Mug Shots on Twitter @TheNeonCactus
$1.00 ANY Shot $2.00 Coors Light Pitchers $1.00 Well Drinks
TUES.
$2 Double Wells $2 Any Pint $1 O-Bombs
Euchre Tournament & Ping Pong @ 8pm $2 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $2.50 Corona Bottles, $2.50 Margaritas, $1 Select Shot $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $15 Pitcher/Pie
Best Line Country! Piano Man 8pm - 3am Check us out on Facebook! fb.com/NeonCactusCountry
LADIES NIGHT! $0.75 Well Drinks $3.00 Martinis $0.75 Shots
WED.
25¢ Wings (9pm- ‘til they’re gone!) Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles, $1.50 Double Wells, $4 32oz B.F.D’s
Team Trivia @ 9:30pm $1 Select Shot, $2 Double Well Drinks $3 Baby Guinness & Dirty Sanchez Shots, $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Bud/Bud Light Pitchers
Get ready for the Weekend! Event List at fb.com/NeonCactusCountry
Introducing...Slap the Bag! $1.25 Double Wells $1.00 Smirnoff Drinks $1.50 Captain Morgan Drinks $2.50 Crown Royal Drinks
FRIDAY! Bruce Live in Piano Bar 9pm - 2am
Beer Olympics Starting Tuesdays in February!
Thirsty Thursdays! 8pm - 3am 2 DJs & Bruce
Fill Your Mug! $3.00 Well Drinks & Domestic Beers $4.50 Captain Morgan, Smirnoff, Long Islands, & Import Beers
Bruce Live in Piano Bar 9pm - 2am
Happy Hour! Every Friday & Saturday until 11 PM $2.00 ANY Shot $1.50 Double Wells $3.75 Coors Light Pitchers
LEARNING TO LIVE: HOW HIP HOP IS DEFINING AMERICA BY: CLAUDE NOBS THE SECOND Some of life’s greatest lessons come not from books, nor from the mouths of your ancestors. They come free from the constraints of film and as unfiltered as a freshly rolled cigarette that your neighbor who plays acoustic guitar on his porch in a beanie likes to smoke because they “save [him] money.” Yes friends, these lessons are truly great. These types of lessons reflect wisdom in a sense that is organic—so pure, so unfettered, that it can’t help but be the absolute embodiment of truth. Some of these lessons are iconic and include advice for things to do on a Sunday afternoon: “Cruisin down the street, in my six-fo, jackin the bitches, slappin’ the hoes.” E, E. (Performer) (n.d.). Boyz-N-the-Hood [Web]. Or perhaps simply “make it to a billi,” which is short for one billion U.S. dollars. It’s time to discuss what very well may hold the key to millions of Americans’ hopes and dreams. It’s time to discuss the father of all music, and the greatest giver of lucrative lyrics—it’s time to discuss hip-hop. In discussing hop-hop, we have more to glean than simply solid Sunday suggestions—oh yes, we stand to learn how to truly treat a woman. Rule one involves always keeping the lines blurry. She needs to be somewhere between a mistress and a commitment, be a real bad bitch, and be willing to spend at least one hour a day with her face south and her ass north. Rule number two says that you ought never underestimate the power of finding love in the club. When asked about his ability to find club love, senior finance major James Henry remarked “oh yeah, it’s basic economic theory; something along the lines of what Marx suggested when he said ‘I’m in this bitch with the terror, got a handful of stacks, better grab an umbrella, I make it rain on them hoes.’” Joe , F. (Performer)
(n.d.). Make it Rain [Web]. At press time, it was rumored that Henry had ran out of one dollar bills and was instead throwing nickels and dimes at the aforementioned hoes. Beyond how to treat women, rap music may find its greatest calling—how to party. It’s as though rap music and alcohol were born to be with one another. Rap music exists as a nuanced art form, whose sole job is to do pre-party pump, evidenced by the fact that many a freshman has been found in Hicks, with a bottle full of bub, entirely confused as to the lack of the club they were looking for. Rap teaches us that ultimate success is found only through the windows of Lamborghinis, laid back with the finest hoes and chiefing on some mad weed rolled up in a fine purple blunt and sealed with codeine. Rap teaches us that to succeed is to be equated with stacks of cash and women in thongs, and to always keep a chopper in the car. Rap exists as the greatest genre of music to ever grace the face of the earth. It is timeless, and utterly brilliant. Rappers are our generation’s greatest wordsmiths, who teach us the importance of meter and rhyme in the tradition of some of the most influential men to ever exist. Men
like Homer, Shakespeare, and Edgar Allen Poe have given way to men whose eloquence with a pen is outshined only by the purported size of their genitals. Men like Kendrick Lamar, Eminem, Drizzy Drake, and Juicy J are the men who are writing the future of this great country by teaching its youth. They stress an understanding for proper spelling, considering only an educated person could possibly understand why real G’s move in silence like lasagna. Wayne, L. (Performer) (n.d.). 6 Foot 7 Foot [Web]. Furthermore, they cause you to reconsider your preconceptions, with statements as meaningful as “she gotta big booty, so I call her big booty.” Chainz, 2. (Performer) (n.d.). Birthday Song [Web]. Without rap music, we would be a dreamless generation. Fame would hold no allure without the promise of being 24-year-old millionaires, who would be ill-advised to even read the contract unless a mil is in there. Without rap, college istelf would become obsolete due to our lack of aspirations. We need rap music to remind us that there are better things in life than our miniscule apartments and average lookingsignificant others. There are mansions and bad hoes willing to ride our dicks all day, as our chains jangle, you know that they cost 50k.
the m.a.s.h.
oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
The best man is... - Aziz Ansari - Edward Snowden - Stephen Hawking - Kanye West
The biggest mistake she made was… - Making out with the priest - Taking too many selfless - Puking on the wedding rings - Being too hungover to show up
Your signature entree was… - Doritos Locos Tacos - Vegan grilled cheese - Moonshine - Special K and almond milk
He pranks the wedding party by… - Throwing bleach on the outfits - Breaking the brides’ legs - Putting acid in the champagne - Inviting the Punk’d crew to film an episode
Oh hey, look who showed up! - Blue Ivy - Grumpy Cat - George W. Bush - Michael Cera
With a side of… - Organic banana chips - Chocolate ganache - Moonshine - Under-cooked chicken
The maid of honor is... - Courtney Stodden - Khloe Kardashian - Farrah Abraham - Katie Couric
And they brought you the best gift of all: - $100,000,000 - Two passes to Medieval Times in suburban Illinois - A noisy Pomeranian - A clearance rug from Urban Outfitters
And y’all lived happily ever after… - by having multiple affairs - hoarding kitties and puppies - applying chapstick to each other constantly - wearing your sunglasses at night
IF YOU DON’T START FOLLOWING US
WELL, YOU’LL JUST BE
MISSING OUT.
@BLACKSHEEP_PU HEY, STALK US ON FACEBOOK WHILE YOU’RE AT IT:
FB.COM/THEBLACKSHEEP99
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: That’s a good question. Major: Engineering Favorite Drink: Maker’s neat Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Patron, water, lime Build a perfect sandwich.: Me between two girls. What superpower has the most potential, from a sexual standpoint?: The power to mute a hot girl. What is the silliest thing you’ve cried about?: I cried when I was drunk and couldn’t put on my socks when I had a broken back.
LANA of Jake’s DRINKING GAME High School Reunion 2014 Here at The Black Sheep, we like to think that all friendships can stand the test of time. Starting conversations with people you haven’t talked to in years is always awkward and uncomfortable alone, but with a group of friends and liquid conversation enhancers available, it can make for the most fun and entertaining way to get blocked, reported, and hopefully slapped with a “cease and desist” message! What You’ll Need: A group of friends (preferably ones you went to high school with), a laptop, a die, and a god-tier sense of humility. Number of Players: 2+, but the more the merrier. Going alone will cause the game to go from “a blast” to “cripplingly depressing.” Level of Intoxication: Senior prom throwback. How to Play: - One player logs onto Facebook and opens their friends list. Another player must pick an old friend/ stranger from high school currently online to chat up. Roll a die. This will serve as the conversation starter: - If you roll a 1, type: “Hey! It’s been a while, X!” - For a 2: “So, like … why are we not friends anymore???” - For a 3: “Contrary to popular belief, I always thought you were the prettier rose in the thorn bush.” - For a 4: “I know we don’t talk anymore, but I REALLY need to say something…” - For a 5: “Personally, I think Y got heavier. What do you think, X?” - For a 6: “Horsepucky! In angels do we scream ‘breast milk?’ Please, save the children!” - Insert their name in X, insert someone else’s name
in Y. - The conversation must flow naturally. It must not end until each player has had a turn at responding. - If a player fails to respond within 30 seconds/does not elicit a response, they must finish their drink and pass the laptop. - The last player in the rotation may end the conversation if desired. - Once the conversation has ended, everyone finishes their drinks. Someone new must log in to their Facebook, pick a new friend and repeat the process. - Additionally, drink when the “friend”: - Displays disgust - Seems oddly into the conversation - Posts an emoticon - Uses an ellipses - Finish your drinks if you are unfriended during the conversation. The Game Ends When: Whoever’s logged in starts getting paranoid and all white-knighty. Someone’s gotta do it. This game will probably be a big influence in deciding your attendance at the reunion in 10 years. It’ll also be a nice way to clean out your 800+ “friends” list.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
A child’s laughter makes you…: Smile.
What’s the difference between geeks, nerds and dweebs?: Aren’t those all just called hipsters? But probably by how ironic their mustaches are. Would you rather eat $1.00 in pennies or get a tattoo of a butt on your butt?: Get a tattoo of a butt on my butt. If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: I’m gay enough to have a nickname for all fruits. I know you are, but what am I?: Thankfully not the person who makes up the questions. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s like The Onion, but funnier!
RECIPE for DISASTER Grilled Cheese Pizza You’ve just arrived home after striking out with random potential hookups left and right. Now, in addition to choosing tonight’s “adult entertainment” on your laptop, you’re forced to decide between pizza or grilled cheese to celebrate defeat. Our answer: Why not both? What You’ll Need: 8 slices of bread (yeah, you’re downing a whole one tonight), 1/4 cup of butter, 1/8 teaspoon of garlic powder, 1 teaspoon of Italian seasoning, slices of mozzarella cheese, 1/2 cup of parmesan cheese, and pizza sauce. You can toss pepperoni and other optional goodies in there if you wish. Cook Time: 20 minutes, give or take. Fatty Factor: Depends on your choice of processed foods. If you’re rocking plastic cheese and butter “spread,” be ready to throw your heart a curveball. Let’s Get Baked: - Mix the butter, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning in a small bowl. This is going to be the base spread for all your spices. - If you’re adding any meats like pepperoni, pop them in a microwave to warm them up. - Pre-heat a skillet to medium heat. - Spread your spice-infused butter on one side of a slice of bread and plant it on the skillet. Now deck out the non-butter side with whatever cheeses and meats you want. - Butter up another side of a slice and place it atop the skillet slice, butter side up. - Keep flipping until the insides are all melty and the bread is a toasty brown. - Repeat for all the remaining bread slices, cut the finished “pizzas” in half, and treat yourself to some pizza dipping sauce and a date with hyper-exaggerated videos of what tonight never was. Loneliness never tasted so good. Get used to that flavor too, you’ve got a long, empty life ahead of you.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Justin s e i t i l a e b e i B
the street Now, he’s back on . em st sy e ic st ju What brity dzilla. But what if? ile that is the cele st Go rn ’s tu at e th th t, h ai ug -w ro afire indiscrimin Bieber passed th ur, probably. a, spewing atomic k for a DUI, Justin hr ee ot w M st g la in ed ht ng. One of these fo st fig re ga o, ar n ky g iso in To tt pr ng a ge yi r in te jo tro Af --des e’re certain he’d untold proportions ass in jail? Well, w s hi sit m wreaking havoc of hi g in ak ok at Bieber, m if they threw the bo
Justin Bieber Declares himself part of the aryan Brotherhood As of Friday night, roughly 24 hours after his arrest for impaired drag racing and one hour into the mandatory eight-hour “drying out period” required for all DUI arrests, sources close to Justin Bieber are indicating he has aligned himself with The Aryan Brotherhood. He managed to orchestrate a tweet from behind prison walls, which confirmed his membership in the white supremacist organization:
While it is known that Bieber was planning his retirement shortly after a dip into the R&B genre, his rejection of the genre and its fans comes as a shock to many. However, his nation of Beliebers remains unphased. “It’s like, Justin knows everything. He has such a big heart, and I love love love him so much. So if he thinks blacks, hispanics, Chinese, Jews and whatevers should go [redacted] from a fucking [redacted], then I do too,” said Chelsea Simpson, 13 of California, who retweeted Justin’s sentiments along with 63,000 other teenage fans. The Black Sheep was unable to reach Bieber for comment, besides him telling us to take our “[redacted]loving paper and shove it up [our] virgin assholes.” Further persistence saw Mr. Bieber agree to speak to us through “Hitler’s Taint,” the Miami-Dade Aryan Brotherhood’s chief: “Justin wasn’t happy with how inferior other races made him feel. He found the truth in our ways. He realized societal pressures made him dabble in R&B and thus led to his downfall. Oh yeah, and look at the officers who arrested him -- shocking -- this would have never happened if America weren’t run by a [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].”
Justin Bieber Initiated by the Black Guerilla Family The warden for the Miami-Dade County Jail, Jeremy Caramel, has confirmed with The Black Sheep that Justin Bieber has been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, a multi-state prison gang.
regarding the incident:
The Black Sheep reached out to the Bieber camp, and was granted a brief interview with the multi-platinum pop sensation.
Still, heavy bruising was evident on Bieber’s forearms, indicating he’d seen some physical harm during his time behind bars.
“Y’know man, growing up in Canada, I always had one black friend; now that I’ve been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, I have a lot of black friends. It’s a cracker’s dream come true.”
“Nah, you got it all wrong, bro,” Bieber noted in our The Black Sheep exclusive, “I told Terrence-- he’s the leader-- how much I liked Tyler Perry’s Madea franchise. He, uh, he didn’t like that. I thought all black guys did; I got what I deserved, I guess.”
Within the prison gang community The Black Guerilla Family is well-known for their intense initiation process, one which submits the prospective member to brutal beatings and psychological torture. Bieber had this to say
After mistakenly being booked at the MiamiDade County Women’s Jail, Miami authorities have issued a press release confirming speculation that Canadian singer Justin Bieber has joined the jail’s Lesbian Alliance. “We have spoken with Mr. Bieber,” the release reports, “and as we look to rectify our booking mistake, we understand the young man’s reason for joining the Lesbian Alliance.” “He’s in high demand,” Lesbian Alliance spokesperson Karen LaPosha commented, “there were catcalls from them lousy straights as soon as they saw him enter those barred doors; that coif is impossible to miss.” An anonymous source corroborated LaPosha’s story, “Listen, Justin’s no stranger to a woman’s affection towards him-- he’s been dealing with that for years now, but the ladies in here, they ain’t like the ladies out there. In here, he’s not a toy, he’s a tool. Some of these straight women, they ain’t had a dick in months, or even years. You could drag the bloated corpse of James Gandolfini in here and some’a these ladies would pay half a pack of smokes for a ride.” LaPosha was quick to note that Bieber
has oftentimes struggled to fit in with the Lesbian Alliance: “Yeah, he’s used to getting manicures and pedicures and all of that--listen, most of the women we run with, they don’t even wash their hair with soap, they use lye. When he asked if there was a waxing facility here in jail, one of our members laughed so hard she threw up.” All things considered, the Lesbian Alliance has been a boon for Bieber’s safety. LaPosha left The Black Sheep with this anecdote: “We assigned him two shower guards the other day, both came back saying he looked like a naked 12-year-old male gymnast. Gross, give me a hairy piece of pussy any day.”
We asked Terrence what it was like to have such a visible celebrity join his gang. “Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?” the life-sentenced inmate wondered. Still, Beiber’s reasons for joining The Black Guerilla Family remained unclear. When pushed for a concise answer the pop celebrity was quick to reply: “Well, now that I’m in it, I can finally say nig—”
Insisting he get one final word in our “[redacted]loving newspaper,” Hitler’s Taint had this to say “Justin was the final key. In combining Aryan Brotherhood with the dedicated, white-washed masses of Bieber Nation, this country will finally be purified.”
justin Bieber aligns himself with Miami-Dade County Women’s Jail Lesbian Alliance
“Man, when you’re high off your dick on Percocet, you ain’t feelin’ shit. The gauntlet might as well have been a giggle time tickle tunnel.”
The Black Sheep will provide additional updates as this story unfolds.
El Bieber se Alinea con Mexican MAFIA DE LA PRISIÓN de Condado de Miami-Dade Nuevos reportes fuera del sistema penitenciario Miami indican que Justin Bieber de la música pop fama se ha unido a las filas de Mexican Mafia de la Prisión del Condado de Miami-Dade. La pandilla de la prisión desde hace mucho tiempo es conocido por el uso de su poder fuera de los muros de la prisión. Los rumores tienen abundan acerca de por qué señor Bieber se uniría a esta pandilla de prisión en particular, ya que él es de origen Canada. Sin embargo, La Oveja Negro fue directo a la fuente. Señor Bieber dijo a La Oveja Negro fue inmediatamente atraído por Mexican Mafia. “Tienen conexiones, yo,” dijo, y agregó “y entienden la angustia, hombre ... la angustia viene con el ser abandonado por una bella mujer como Selina.” “El corazón del hombre se rompió,” Ricardo Méndez, líder de la Mexican Mafia: Sector de Miami-Dade nos dijo. “Los fuegos de mil soles arde en el corazón de este hombre, y esos incendios fueron extinguidos cuando Selina pisoteó su amor. Estuvimos de luto por él, porque también nosotros adoramos señora Gómez.” Mientras que “El Biebs” puede sufrir una pérdida en la base de fans de esta medida, Mexican Mafia afirma que apoyará cualquier movimiento que hace, e incluso ayudar a encontrar trabajo fuera de la prisión en el cartel de la droga o el auge de la in-
dustria de la música ranchera. “Justin es sólo un muchacho, él es un ser humano, que es el hombre, sino que también es un tigre. Su alma se eleva como un águila, pero su mente está atrapada en una carcasa de plástico de la modernidad. La Mexican Mafia beliebs que prevalecerá contra la angustia de un coño perdona como Selina Gómez y la sociedad mecánica opresiva en la que floreció como una rosa en una caja de concreto. Niño Jesús llora por Bieber, así que lo celebran por hacerse tatuajes de su cara en el cuello “. Ricardo y su factor de están tratando de mover Justin Bieber hacia adelante en las filas de su pandilla, para hacerle frente a su organización. Sin embargo, no se sabe si esta historia de amor va a durar cuando la pena de prisión preliminar de Justin termina en dos horas.
THE SUPER BOWL DRINKING GAME When the Announcers....
During the Halftime Show....
Drink one when they say each other’s name. Drink two when Wilson or Manning is fellated. Drink three when Richard Sherman happens. Drink three each time the weather is noted. Drink five when they mention some NY thing.
Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity. Drink three between each medley. Drink five if a cover happens. Drink five for each guest appearance. Drink ten if a hat change takes place.
When the Team You Are Rooting For... Drink one when they complete a pass. Drink two for a ten-yard run. Drink two for any penalty on the other team. Drink two for any first down your team gets. Drink three for any field goal made.
Drink three for any sack your team causes. Drink four for any turnover your team causes. Drink four for any play over forty yards. Drink ten for any defensive touchdown. Drink ten if a trick play is attempted.
During the Commercials....
In Your Place...
Drink one for every hot babe. Drink three for every beer commercial. Drink four for each company you don’t know. Drink four every time animals are involved. Drink four when an adorable child is featured.
Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey. Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo. Drink three every time someone spills. Drink five when Weed Bowl is mentioned. Drink five if Peyton’s history is mentioned.
the crossword famous ash(ley)s ACROSS: 3) What is Ashton Kutcher’s real first name? 5) Ashley was the most popular girl’s name in the early 90s, but was eventually topped by which name? 6) The only daying service that promotes affairs, Ashley what? 7) The day of the week occuring 46 days before Easter, two words. 9) Ash Ketchum is the protagonist in what video game? 11) If you skin is dry, you say it’s what? 13) Ash tree’s scientific name. 16) The lip-syncing sister of Jessica Simpson.
what? 5) The sister’s Ashley, Naomi and Wynonna. 8) Ashley Greene’s Cullen name is the Twilight saga. 10) Not Ashley Olsen, the other one. 12) Ashley Furniture is headquartered in this state. 12) Who plays Ashley Schaeffer on Eastbound & Down? 14) Ashley Tisdale’s character in High School Musical. 15) The Emerald ash borer is what kind of insect?
DOWN: 1) Ashley Country is one of many dry counties in this state. 2) Ashley Parker Angel was a member of this 2000’s manufactured boy band. 4) ASH is the American Society of
Beer Olympics starting Tuesdays in February! MONDAYS: $1 Any Shot and Well Drink, $2 Coors Light Pitchers
TUESDAYS: Ladies Night! $0.75 Shots and Well drinks, $3 Martinis
WEDNESDAYS: Introducing Slap the Bag! $1.25 Double Wells $1 Smirnoff Drinks $1.50 Captain Morgan Drinks, $2.50 Crown Royal Drinks
THURSDAYS: Fill Your Mug! $3 Well Drinks & Domestic Beers, $4.50 Captain Morgan, Smirnoff, Long Islands, & Import Beers
HAPPY HOUR! Every Friday & Saturday until 11 PM ALL Day Every Sunday $2 ANY Shot, $1.50 Double Wells, $3.75 Coors Light Pitchers
Where Else Bar | 135 South Chauncey Avenue