The Black Sheep FRE
Vol. 2, Issue 3
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
E... LIK W H E YO U R OW ANT PL ANS S TO THI PAR S FR T Y? IDAY .
2/13/14 - 2/26/14
LONELY-PROOFING
YOUR SAD, SAD VALENTINE’S DAY BY: PU STAFF Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and it’s pretty obvious by the smell of burnt ramen and the sight of Jackson Pollock-inspired semen stains that you’ll be spending this one at home marathoning Aaron Sorkin’s entire catalog, because nothing else consumes silence like his coke-fueled dialogue. Spending an entire February 14th alone at home can be a dangerous thing though, there’re all kinds of mirrors and ex’s to drunk dial while “Jesse’s Girl” plays on full volume. Luckily, we’re here to help you get through those 24 hours with minimal personal and property damage. Before you do anything, run to the liquor store and buy all the whiskey and champagne you can. You’re probably thinking that’s a strange combo, but there’s a strategy behind it. At the start of the day you’ll think, “I’m totally fine, who needs a partner?” This is when the champagne comes into play; you turn that bottle up and celebrate your independence. Isn’t life awesome? That feeling fades around noon as the main menu of The Social Network plays for the 100th time and your computer freezes from the 25 tabs of porn all playing simultaneously. Now that your computer is the victim of a pornocide, it’s almost time to break out that whiskey. Before the whiskey can come out and play, you need to do some quick home adjustments. All mirrors need to be placed under the bed or somewhere Angry Drunk You can’t punch them. Mirrors are great for punching but the costs, as well as glass shards
in your hand, really start to add up. It’s also not a bad idea to safely store your phone somewhere, like locked in a safe that you don’t know the code to. In this world there’s not much more volatile than an intoxicated single on Valentine’s Day, so you need to safeguard the rest of the human race from your impressively pessimistic view on life right now. We will say though, the tears running down that little child’s face after you yelled through the window how everything in life is void and going to die, especially his parents, were really earned. The metaphor about the turd floating down the sewer of life that you used really painted a picture for that little tyke. Speaking of windows, a few days before the 14th you need to do some isolation work on your home. This includes padlocking the front door -- pizza guys can just use the mail flap to slide each slice through -- and nailing every window closed. Generally windows are wonderful things that bring a refreshing breeze into your home, but on Valentine’s Day they become portals for you to spew as much of your anti-love vitriol as your whiskey and champagne-coated mind can form into words. You do not need to interact with the general populace; they don’t deserve it and you can’t afford a third mark after you put that officer’s horse into a coma. The last step of lonely-proofing your home is optional, but highly advised. You need a hooker. There’s no better
way of turning a sad Valentine’s Day around than by locking yourself in a house with nothing but a hooker and the copy of Pretty Woman that every working girl keeps on her at all times; Pretty Woman is to hookers as Cinderella is to girls who haven’t given a handy for Loaded Griller from Taco Bell. The best part about having bought a person for the day is that they’re required to not show disgust when you start crying after
the 11th suck-off of the day, unless you want them to, in which case they’ll be more disgusted in you than your mom when she caught you getting intimate with that midget blow-up doll. Hookers are the best. If you stick to the plan laid out, you’re going to have a survivable V-Day. There might be a few extra stains and a smell you’d rather not explain to guests, but
that just comes with the territory, and it’s way better than having to tell your prison mate that you’re in the clink for proclaiming to the world that you’re an independent individual with no dependencies while dropping a steamer at the top of a young child’s slide while said young child was at the bottom of the slide; inmates don’t like it when you almost poop on children. From everyone at The Black Sheep, best of luck.
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POINT-COUNTERPOINT: FLOWERS VS. CHOCOLATE
CAMPUS PARTY HAS GREAT LIQUOR, SURPRISING ALL
PARENTS RELIEVED DAUGHTERS DRAW THE LINE AT ORAL SEX
YOUR HONEY WANTS BOTH, BUT WHAT’S BETTER FOR YOU?
CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE A PARTY WITHOUT BURNETT’S?
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Point-Counterpoint:
Flowers vs. Chocolates KITTY KAT AND TEX MEX WROTE THIS It’s crunch time for Valentine’s Day gifts, and you don’t have much of a selection left at Walgreens by now. You have to decide between the two February 14 staples: flowers and chocolates. You only have $5 to spend because you’ve already committed to a $30 Olive Garden dinner with your lady lover. Which one do you choose? Kitty Kat: If you want to keep your valentine past the holiday, get her flowers. Why? Because they’re friggin’ beautiful, that’s why. Nothing else shows your girl that she’s exquisite, fresh, full of life and brilliant colors, and that she smells good (girls don’t like being smelly). It’s all metaphorical. Flowers are a special little reminder every time she walks by that she’s loved by a sweet gentleman who was smart enough to bring her flowers, NOT STUPID CHOCOLATES, for
04
Valentine’s Day. Plus, she’ll love the fact that she can make her roommates jealous by putting them on display in the apartment for weeks and weeks—even after they wilt and die. Tex Mex: You know what else is metaphorical? The way those flowers are going to shrivel up and die just like your obviously crippled relationship if you’re seriously resorting to something as useless as flowers for your gal pal. What’s the point of getting your valentine something that she’s going to look at once and then toss on her nightstand until their date with the trash bin? With chocolates, you get sweetness and utility. Your girlfriend doesn’t feel like cooking after class? BOOM, she can open that Fannie May box and pop in a truffle or six. That’s at least a week’s worth of satisfying the tip of the food pyramid.
You can’t eat flowers, though. You know what eats flowers? Goats. Do you really get your sick kicks out of indirectly calling your valentine a goat? Kitty Kat: But let’s look ahead, shall we? What if your girl does come home every day and scarf down a truffle or two? If you keep up this lame gift for every holiday during the year, pretty soon you’ll be dating a cow. A grade-A heifer. And don’t pretend you’re one of those “different” guys who can see past a girl’s frumpy exterior and into her artery-clogged heart. When she gets fat, you’ll be outta there. Flowers, on the other hand, don’t pose any risk of heart attack or obesity. And if your girl ends up eating the flowers, then I guess you do have a goat on your hands. But then that’s on you. Who would of thought you’d be into that bestiality stuff?
Tex Mex: Speaking of bestiality, we need to take sex into account too, however. According to Daniel H. of Yahoo! Answers, women love chocolate so insatiably because “its linked to there sexual part of the brain wich means takin them to poundtown lol.” You heard it here first, fellas. This is Poundtown we’re talking—population: you and the lucky little lady you showered with raspberry dark chocolate morsels from Godiva. Remember, Mint Meltaways aren’t just meant for the tongue (ow-ow), so feel free to redefine the term “hot chocolate” while you’re going at it. The closest way to make flowers even remotely sexy is by tossing petals on the bed … which is lame as shit. Kitty Kat: There are a lot of dangers lurking inside
a delicious, seemingly innocent chocolate-covered cherry. What if she’s allergic to chocolate? Milk? Red dye? Gluten? The possibilities are endless. One little bite could be her last. When it comes to flowers, the worst thing to worry about is allergies, and with the way the weather has been lately, a little runny nose ain’t nothin’ new. And I’m pretty sure shoving chocolate morsels up a vagina—or whatever weird shit you were hinting at— isn’t gynecologist-approved. What if you poisoned her vagina, man? What if it gets all moldy and falls off? Keep that
in mind. Chocolate = no more vagina. I think that settles it. Tex Mex: Please, one measly, little yeast infection isn’t going to single-handedly cause vaginal eradication. It takes at least three of those and one hell of a herpal outbreak to do that. But if you think chocolate in the bedroom isn’t safe, bear in mind that there was once a dude who thought it would be “cute” to surprise his wife by stemming a tulip from his penis. When he tried to remove it, the bottom of the stem got lodged inside of him, literally ripping his urethra to
shreds. Contrary to popular belief, girls actually don’t think self-vasectomization is hot. Ultimately, just put it this way: If your date hates flowers, then what the fuck are you going to do with them? If your date hates chocolates, then who’s going to eat them? You and the rest of the dudes during the Golden Girls marathon, that’s who. Although Tex Mex had the most compelling argument, don’t you think you should know your girlfriend by now? Don’t you know the type of shit she likes? C’mon man.
THE
TOP
TEN
BEYONCÉ TRAITS TO BE A GOOD VALENTINE BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS
If your love life has been bringing you down all semester, the last thing you want is to feel even worse about yourself on Valentine’s Day. How do you seal the deal on February 14th without trying way too hard or cracking under pressure? Don’t worry. All you gotta do is channel your inner Beyoncé. We’ll show ya how! 10.) Have Friends with Benefits: Political benefits that is. There’s nothing more powerful than knowing the right people to make you look like a hot shot. For example, Beyoncé has Barack and Michelle, and try telling us that isn’t intimidating (and sexy) as hell. At the university level, go for the student body president. Or, if you wanted someone with actual power to impress your crush, you could always befriend the door guy at Joe’s. 9.) Be Confident: Bey makes the world her catwalk (see “Crazy in Love” music video for proof), and there’s nothing sexier than someone who loves who they are without being a jackass about it. Turning heads requires a commanding presence. Not overwhelming cleavage (although a little bit of it is OK by us).
Campus Party Has Great Liquor, Surprising All BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS Partygoers at the Purdue University were surprised to find that the party they were attending late last Friday night had really nice liquor. “This wasn’t a campus party where they were giving out Red Dog and Burnett’s,” said fifth-year psychology senior Derek Levine, referring to the disgusting liquor. He added, “They had name-brand liquor that actually has TV advertisements. I think I saw a Smirnoff bottle in the trash can, and you better believe I got my fair share of that Jim Beam handle. We still didn’t savor the flavor, but you know, it was nice.”
Billy later told The Black Sheep why he had such a sweet spot for expensive liquor, “Liquor is my one vice, the Adderall I buy off friends is to help me focus on my geography homework— we’re learning the continents right now, and Antarctica is a real bitch. The weed I smoke is medicinal, it helps me come down off the Adderall, you know? So I sometimes treat myself to these things. Have you ever had a Bud Light, bro? It’s way better than Keystone Light. Actually, hey, you want one right now?”
Still, something seemed amiss. Billy not only bought nice liquor, he shared it like it was no big deal, even giving some to strangers. . Upon further investigation, we finally found an old childhood friend to go on record. Wishing Billy Sanders, a senior in recreation, is to remain anonymous he left us a prerecorded excruciatingly frugal voice message on an in all other aspects “Billy not only bought nice encrypted flash drive: of his life. “He’s been k n o w n t o s t e a l liquor, he shared it like “Yeah, Billy realizes ketchup packets from it was no big deal, even those who live with fast food places, and him don’t really enjoy once he used the local giving some to strangers.” hanging out with him. newspaper as toilet Actually, they like paper for an entire semester. He only splurges living with him about as much as third world when it comes to his liquor,” his girlfriend countries enjoy poverty. He shares his liquor Maggie Ableson said. to help smooth over their differences. It never works, but at least people give him the fifteen “If there’s one thing Billy loves more than minutes.” anything else it’s money” Joe Franklin, another of Billy’s roommates, added. He continued, “This Our extensive interviews with others showed kid took his girlfriend out to a pasta restaurant that this often is that case with Billy’s “friends.” because he was able to find free coupons for dinner there. Now I’m not an expert, but if I Though having a lack of altruistic motives, we weighed over two hundred pounds and looked can tell that Billy changed the game forever. “I like he did, I wouldn’t have done it. I would have feel pretty bad putting out Costco brand liquor said to myself, ‘if any living female is able to when my friends are over. I mean, these are the tolerate eating at close quarters with me they people I like, not some animals,” a roommate of can get whatever they want.’ But not Billy. This Billy’s said adding, “If Billy can manage to give kid is super cheap.” people the liquor of their dreams, well, then I gotta get a handle of Captain or something.” When asked how he was able to afford such a delicacy the host replied, “Billy’s parents are paying for college, so he squanders his money on this shit.”
8.) Be Bootylicious: College is the Era of the Booty, and we don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. Boobs are a high school boy’s game. If you’re looking to attract winners, drop it like a squat. This goes for men too; women like a tight butt in jeans. So stop saying you “don’t have time” to get to the gym. Your ass will thank you in the long run. 7.) Close the Book: No one needs to know every detail about your life; a little mystery can be enticing. It’s also the reason people are obsessed with Beyoncé and Jay. It’s their undisclosed life that keeps people wanting more. (Who is Blue Ivy, really?) So before you post about the “rad poop” you just had, think about who’s gonna be reading it. 6.) Be Independent: Bey has been with Jay-Z for over a decade, but you never see her leaning on him to get through her career. If your dude doesn’t want to go out to Red Lion tonight, so what? Who cares? Go with the girls and do your own thing, just don’t get caught by an @PurdueMakeouts contributor. 5.) Become Mononymous: Being known by a single name is a power move, especially if it’s a common one. Granted, you’ll have to either be talented enough or outrageous enough to make that mononym stick. Just remember, the Queen B always keeps outrageous classy so make sure your underwear stays on at least. 4.) Be Passionate: Find something that you truly love and express it. People can sense when others are just faking it ‘til they make it. If you’re genuine in what you’re passionate about, people will be drawn to your enthusiasm and respect you even more. Maybe you’re really into tequila? Show us how fast you can take 10 shots! 3.) Step Out of the Shadow: Constantly playing the wingman leaves you on the DL for dating. Stepping out as the Beyoncé once in a while shows people that your best friend isn’t the only one who can sit on a pedestal. Our point? Stop being the Kelly Rowland of your group, dammit. 2.) Be Unpredictable: Like dropping a visual album in the middle of the night or casually rubbing your belly to announce your pregnancy at the VMAs. You may not be able to go as extreme as Mrs. KnowlesCarter, but you can certainly be wild and spontaneous once in awhile … safely, of course. 1.) Be Your Own Sasha Fierce: Not even Beyoncé can be Beyoncé all the time. Create your own alter ego that will allow you to step out of your comfort zone and show people who you really are. (This is basically just a fancier way of saying ‘create a drunk name’.)
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AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS What body part would you most hate having rubbed on your face? Matt, Super Senior
“Feet.”
Nick, Junior
“A penis.”
Elie, Junior
“Male genitalia.”
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READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
PURDUE PARENTS RELIEVED TO KNOW THEIR DAUGHTERS DRAW THE LINE AT ORAL SEX “Well, y’know, she’s our little girl and we just want to see her making the right choices,” said farmer and part-time preacher Harold Tiller, father of freshman Mary Tiller. “It’s a different world from when her mother and I were young, but we trust our daughter is mature enough to do the right thing for herself, God, and maybe even her poor ol’ parents too,” he laughed, as his leathery hand squeezed his wife’s. “Just because we didn’t go to college doesn’t mean we’re oblivious to the fact that young people want to ‘get together’ after a night of drinking beers,” Betty Tiller added. “We just hope that those sweet young angels, and especially our daughter, have the good sense to call it a night after going down on each other for a while.” “Now, if we had our way, there’d be a lot less than that going on, I’ll tell you what,” injected candy store owner and father of two Boilermaker Ladies Burt Saltman, as some other dads chuckled uncomfortably. “We wish they’d stop at hand stuff like all of us God-fearing parents did. But we’re not a bunch of stuck-in-their-ways old fuddy-duddies, we can certainly understand why kids today want to end the night with hugging and kissing and then giving or receiving a blowed-job.” “That’s our compromise, and we have complete faith that our sweet cinnamon bun will hold up her side of the bargain by keeping her shame covered and shut tight,” continued his wife Peg. “To everything
but faces and fingers, like my pastor would always say. We don’t think it’s asking too much.”
STUDENT DRESSED AS CUPID SHOOTS ARROWS OF LOVE AT CLASSMATES, 12 FATALITIES Billy Everyteen was just your average student from Purdue. He had an average name, got average grades, and even had an average penis length. Everything changed, however, when Billy finally snapped and decided to dress up as a giant baby and shoot arrows at his classmates. We spoke with the deranged killer while he was in police custody. The fiendish psychopath glared at us with blood red eyes and told us about his fall off the edge of sanity into the pool of evil. “Why are you
doing this to me?” the murderer asked with an evil grin, “Those weren’t real arrows, they were from Nerf… Those people were just pretending to be hurt as part of the joke. Do you people not understand that?” Billy may have fooled some people into thinking that he’s not actually a sociopathic serial killer, but a psychiatric evaluation, polygraph test, and testimony from the victims isn’t enough to convince The Black Sheep. We spoke with some of the shooting
“Our point is, this matters,” finished Pr. Tiller. “The Good Lord above hath layethed out these rules for us, and it’s our duty to help our daughters learn to follow them, no matter how arbitrary or backwards they might seem to us mortals. I’m sure I’m not the only dad here who would fall asleep better on a Saturday if I was sure my pride-and-joy didn’t have a penis in her mouth at that exact moment, but at least I’m confident she’s not scarring her soul by engaging in the most mutually amazing thing human life has to offer. Not until she’s got a wedding ring and plenty of blow-jays under her belt, of course.” Sevin Ketze wrote this
victims who’ve apparently risen from the grave, only to be hypnotized by Billy’s debonair charm. “We’re not dead, we’re not zombies, are you retarded?” the cold, undead man inquired, “It was a practical joke. Is Billy seriously in prison?” Clearly Billy had already seduced these poor zombies into thinking they weren’t actually dead. Billy Everyteen is a man as maniacal as Satan and Hitler combined. The Black Sheep, under the supervision of the West Lafayette police department, gunned down these reanimated bastards to put them out of their misery. Clearly this will be a Valentine’s Day to remember at Purdue, but we can take solace in knowing that the embodiment of pure evil known as Billy Everyteen, is facing life in prison with no chance of parole. Scoop Chang wrote this
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Happily in a relationship.
If you had to eat five pounds of something, what would it be?: Deep dish pizza! Giordano’s or Lou Malnati’s will do.
Favorite Drink: Dragonberry and Sprite
What’s one thing everyone finds cute, but you just don’t get?: When people want to read me their poems. Or flip flops with jeans.
Favorite Shot: Rumple Minze Disgusting Drink: Anything with Absolut Kurant What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen someone bring into the bar?: A woman once came into our bar with a poodle under one arm and a 10-foot salami under the other. Besides money, what would be you be most excited to get an envelope stuffed with?: Pictures of all the times I really wished someone had a camera in my life. It would have to be a BIG envelope. What music video most closely resembles your life?: Muse’s “Knights of Cydonia.” It was almost like a biography of my life before I started working at the Cactus.
Finish this sentence: One time I laughed so hard I….: Stopped a wedding. When I told the groom’s father later why, he laughed so hard he cried. Later, you want to burn this place to the ground with me, or what?: I’d totally burn down the DMV with you, for sure. Why is that place even still open? Oh yeah, so you can get the paper license that won’t get you into the bars?! “I’m going to need 17 pieces of ID please...” Why should someone read The Black Sheep?: Because the articles are fun and have a sense of humor. It’s a paper about college life and the scene. I love to read it in my office...
Lee of Neon Cactus
DRINKING GAME You’re Alone and No One Loves You Campus will be alive with lovers this Valentine’s Day, and if you found the brownie ball recipe to your right, chances are you’re still single. Find another unloved friend of yours (or play the game alone, like you do every day) and wander around campus with your favorite bottle of booze. What You’ll Need: Alcohol and sadness. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be crying by the end of the night. How to Play: - Get your alcohol ready to go in whichever sneaky way your prefer—leftover Jimmy John’s cup, water bottle, brown paper bag, etc. - Wander around campus and take a drink for the following: - A girl trying to look strong as she buys a pint of Ben & Jerry’s from the grocery store (drink twice if it’s Chunky Monkey). - A girl being an ungrateful bitch and whining to her boyfriend. - A boy hurrying down the street with a bouquet of flowers (drink twice for an oversized teddy bear). - Two bros together putting on a façade of happiness; you know they’re dead inside. - Someone buying a card without even reading it. - People waiting to be seated at a not-so-romantic restaurant. - Someone using the phrase “Singles Awareness Day.” - A couple that has one member way hotter than his or her partner. - Every time you see a couple passionately kiss (drink twice for an ass grab). - Every time you hear someone say, “Aw, you shouldn’t have!” - A couple having a fight in a public place. - Finish your drink if you see someone being proposed to. The Game Ends When: Your liquor is gone and you decide to go buy yourself some Chunky Monkey too.
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RECIPE for DISASTER Boyfriend Brownie Balls Alone this Valentine’s Day? Who needs love when you can date food instead? This recipe is the perfect combination of chocolate, cookie dough and more chocolate. Your lady parts may not be getting lucky any time soon, but your mouth sure is! What You’ll Need: 3/4 cup butter (softened), 3/4 cup brown sugar, 1/4 cup white sugar, 2 tbsp milk, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 2 cups flour, 2 cups mini chocolate chips, 1 box of fudge brownie mix, and 1 package of chocolate almond bark Cook Time: 2 hours Fatty Factor: Calories don’t count when you’re sad. Let’s Get Baked: - In a bowl, mix together the butter and sugars until it’s all nice and creamy. - Slowly add in the milk and vanilla extract until combined. - Add in the flour and a tiny pinch of salt. Mix until you have some smooth dough. - Line a baking sheet with foil and make sure there’s room in your freezer for these bad boys. - Scoop out tablespoon-sized balls of dough
and place them on the sheet. Put them in the freezer for about an hour to harden. - While your balls are blue-ing, make your brownies per the directions on the box. You might need some eggs and oil. When they’re done, let them cool before going onto the next step. - Remove the frozen balls from the freezer. - Cut the cooled brownies into small squares and flatten them in your hands. - Put a cookie dough ball in the middle of each brownie square and wrap the brownie around it. - Once all the balls are covered, put them back in your freezer for another 30 minutes. - Melt the chocolate bark over the stove, being careful not to burn it or let it boil. Heat it up just enough so the chocolate melts. - Take the balls out of the freezer and dip them in the melted bark with a fork, making sure they’re completely covered. Then sprinkle chocolate chips on top! - Put them in the fridge for a few minutes to harden up, then dig in! This is the one and only time you’ll thoroughly enjoy having balls in your mouth.
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Same as It Ever Was...
Valentine’s Day Cards Revisited Scurried away in a box somewhere in a parent’s basement is a collection of a childhood memories-- artifacts of days gone by. Among them, certainly, are Valentine’s Day cards, issues school-wide at a set time for fairness to all. These Valentine’s Day cards are brief snapshots of who one was then, but these snapshots also reveal who this person who was, now is. The Black Sheep has dug up six Valentine’s Day cards from our staffers’ past, and not surprisingly, they tell the story of who these weirdos are now.
Dependent Dave
Self-Lovin’ Stephen
How Dave Was Raised: His teddy bear, Bobo, was wrapped in a safety blanket, which was tied to a rope, which led to his parents’ bedroom. If he pulled, it would ring a bell. Mom and dad would both come running, because they didn’t want to take Dave to the hospital for hyperventilation… again.
How Stephen Was Raised: Steve was an only child whose vigorously religious parents didn’t show much affection. Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings, they say, and without TV or friends, Stephen was oftentimes left alone to entertain himself.
What 3rd Grade Was Like: Crippling anxiety led to Dave being homeschooled by second grade. He was the star of the basketball team, though, and they went undefeated against their arch-rivals, the Invisibles. Heck, they shut ‘em out 14-0! Where Dave is Now: The wife jumped ship after Dave followed her on a business trip to Atlanta, but the last six months in therapy have worked wonders for Dave. Plus, he’s pretty sure his therapist has a thing for him — she always answers his calls in the middle of the night, and she’s always asking him about his feelings.
What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sure, Stephen didn’t have many friends, but he didn’t need any. At school he’d prefer to work alone, and during recess he’d play hide-and-go-seek with himself in one of the bathroom stalls. Stephen didn’t need attention from others, he had himself, a playroom that locked from the inside, and an imagination that would make a 15-year-old jealous. Where Stephen is Now: There were thousands of people out there just like Stephen, and he knew it was a safe bet. After making a small fortune on the futures stock of Jergens’ new So Soft: For Him lotion, Stephen retired to a lovely suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. With a T1 connection and admin privileges on six different pornography torrent sites, his only interaction with humans these days is when he talks to the Jimmy John’s delivery man through the door. “The money’s in the mail box,” he grunts, “leave the Totally Tuna on the doorstep.”
Swingin’ Sally How Sally Was Raised: One time Sally’s babysitter had an emergency, and she had to drop Sally and her brother off back at Sally’s parents’ place. It was weird—Sally thought they were out of town, but here were 10 cars up and down the block! When she walked inside her mom told her dad that the swing in the basement was broken. Sally wasn’t allowed in the basement, though. Why couldn’t she sit in the swing? What 3rd Grade Was Like: Tim left Sarah, then
Politically Correct Corey How Corey Was Raised: All the other kids could go crying to their mommies, but Corey was forced to have “open tear dialogue” twice a week with a “parental advisor.” What 3rd Grade Was Like: During gym class Corey would often self-eliminate himself from dodge ball matches, fearing he might be forced to make some non-PC decisions about who he should hit with a ball. Sure, Martha may be a
Billy left Diane, then Corey left Tanya, then Eric left Molly, then Aaron left Bethany, then Robert left Suzy, then Sally realized the power she had over the opposite sex. It turned into a game of Pokémen, she had to catch them all. Where Sally is Now: After years of meticulously pouring through the Craigslist casual encounters section, Sally lives happily with her man-harem in warm and sunny Austin, Texas. The quirky eight-some all enjoy each other’s company during the day, but when the lights go out at night it’s a sausage party, and she’s the buns.
little overweight and asthmatic, but is an easy kill worth the weight on his conscience, knowing he’d be responsible for a hip replacement she might need when she’s 80? Where Corey is Now: Corey currently lives in Portland with his life-partner Sasha and their two-year-old daughter, Milanesa. When Corey isn’t spending his free time writing freelance opinion pieces promoting the abolishment of gender-specific pronouns, he can be found assembling cruelty-free cardboard shelves in his soon-to-be open paleo-vegan neighborhood grocery.
Sam the Stalker How Sam Was Raised: Sam spent many hours in timeout, both at home and at school. He grew to enjoy being present without participating in most situations. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sam’s favorite times at school were when all the 3rd grade classes would swap classrooms to learn different subjects. Every day from noon to one he sat in Sarah Mason’s seat. One day he found her di-
Bondage Ben How Ben Was Raised: Ben grew up with four rowdy older brothers and a mom “physical” enough to handle them. It wasn’t often that he got attention from her, but when he did, she made sure he didn’t act out again. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Ben kept quiet for the most part, but was oftentimes found to be the sneaky instigator behind playground fights. If the teacher ever sided with Ben, his
ary in the desk, one day he smelled her mittens, and one day he found her address. Where Sam is Now: Sam lives a quiet life in Tallahassee, Florida. During the day he works at as a deliveryman whose daily route just so happens to include Sarah Mason’s work, home, favorite restaurant, hair dresser, grocery store, coffee shop and a certain tree outside her bathroom. He lives with his dog Rex and an amorphous collection of blond hair, chewing gum, and semen in his basement, named Sarah.
attacker was left angry and confused. “You don’t understand,” they’d plead, “he was literally asking for it!” Where Ben is Now: Right now Ben is being sat on by a 250-lb, latex and leather-clad shewoman in a dimly-lit, unfurnished basement. With one last exhale he’ll be on the brink of unconsciousness, and though “ganana brabber” is his safe word, he has yet to say it. Instead, his final breath is spent on “yes mamma!” while Big Bertha whips his thighs with a small cane and cranks the Rob Zombie.
s s e u G the
the crossword ACROSS: 3) The drummer of The Roots. 5) Legendary drag queen famous for saying, “You better work.” 6) Eccentric, blinged-out pianist. 7) Most famous Icelandic performer. 8) Producer and rapper, also the name of a shoe brand. 9) This massive basketball player often goes by just this abbreviation of his first name. 11) This singer went by just a symbol at one point. 13) High-end Italian fashion company. 15) His first and middle name was Wolfgang Amadeus. 16) “Yo dog, I heard you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while you drive.” 19) Italian model with gorgeous hair.
famous one-word people 2) Lead singer of The Smiths. 4) “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” 5) Her instagram name is badgalriri. 10) Blue Ivy’s mother. 11) Famous Native American associated with the colonial settlement of Jamestown, Virginia. 12) The best-selling female recording artist of all time. 14) This “L.E.S. Artistes” real name is Santi White. 17) He’s got two turntables and a microphone. 18) The breakout star of D12.
DOWN: 1) This rapper biggest hit was 2006’s “Ridin’.”
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