PURDUE SPRING ISSUE 4 by The Black Sheep

Volume 4

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Lik in ye the g our ree bee n r!

Issue 5

DREAMS VS. REALITY:

SPRING BREAK EDITION KATY MARTIN wrote this

As much as we’d like to believe it, spring break is nothing like what we see in the movies or on television. Not that we’d want it to be—who wants to be recruited into a life of crime by a creepy James Franco? Yet each year Boilermakers make the trek to sun and sand with the following expectations, only to be sorely reminded that “sex on the beach” should ONLY be an alcoholic beverage (no one wants sand down there…). Below are some of the most common ways that people set up themselves up for disappointment on spring break. THE NIGHTLIFE Dream: You and all your girlfriends are going to put on your hot girl disguises and hit up the hottest club in the hottest spring break town in the nation. Everyone will have their eyes on you guys, and you’ll dance the night away to hip techno-pop and sip on appletinis and cosmos. Reality: You have to walk all the way to the club in 6-inch heels, so your feet are bleeding by the time you get there and all you can think about is finding a place to sit. One drink is $12 and the whole place is actually kind of dirty and sticky. The music is just the same 5 minutes of techno garbage on a loop, and turns out some other girl is wearing the exact same dress you are. THE PEOPLE Dream: Chances are you’ll run in to a lot of people you know on spring break because almost EVERYONE goes to the same place. You’re looking forward to a bunch of fun, hot people in swimsuits dancing and drinking on the beach, à la any stereotypical spring break movie (there are too many to choose from). Reality: Just like every year before, this place is PACKED almost to the point of discomfort. And yes, you are seeing a bunch of people you know. But they’re mostly those girls you hate, and they’re hanging all over those guys you like. You have to wait over an hour to get into any restaurant or bar, and you swear to yourself that you’re not coming back here next year. But you will.

THE BEACH Dream: You’re going to put on your bikini and hit the beach for some volleyball. You played left hitter in high school, so you’re pretty sure you’re still a complete boss at the sport. Guys will be totally impressed by you, and the girls will envy you. All while getting a flawless tan.

THE WEATHER Dream: Every single day will be sunny and 75, just like that one country song (that you’ve heard of but never actually listened to) suggests. You don’t bother bringing anything else to entertain yourself because you know you’ll be spending all your time on the beach.

Reality: Playing volleyball in sand is nothing like playing on a court. You have trouble even moving two feet to get to the ball. And when you try to make an amazing play by diving for the ball, you just end up faceplanting onto that one area where the sand is actually compact. And the sand really hurts your skin because now you’re sunburnt after “forgetting” to put on sunscreen.

Reality: C’mon, you couldn’t expect the weather to be that nice. It’s March in (wherever it is you’re vacationing to)—it’s rained 5 of the 9 days you were here, and the ocean is still freezing. By now you’ve probably memorized the layout of the local mall after having been there so many times, but have already spent all of your money on booze and bathing suits. Spring break never really goes as we plan. But the great thing is, now is the time to do these crazy things and have crazy expectations. Because once you graduate from college, spring break as we know and love it will be no more.

PAGE 5

PAGES 12-13

THE FRESHMAN SPRING BREAK SURVIVAL GUIDE

TOP 10: PLACES TO NAP ON CAMPUS DURING SPRING BREAK

THE DRUNK SUBCULTURES ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY

A HANDY Q&A FOR ALL YOU FIRST-TIMERS OUT THERE.

IF YOU’RE STUCK HERE WHILE YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOWN SOUTH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL NAP EVERYWHERE YOU CAN.

WE RUN DOWN THE 15 DIFFERENT TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU’LL MEET ON THE BEST DAY IN MARCH.

MARCH 12TH, 2015 - MARCH 26TH, 2015

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Abigail Wagoner

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGER Nicholas Gass

OWNER Atish Doshi

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Abigail Wagoner

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Katy Martin, Maddie Beyrouty DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Tony Scott PROMOTIONS MANAGER Nicholas Huisinga

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

RESUMADE UP When someone blatantly lies on their resume in hopes of landing a job.

BLACKTHORNE SHORE

15 years of marketing experience? Olympic juggler and The President of Cheesy Potatoes? You resumade all this up, Kenneth!

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Exclusive Interview With St. Patrick Staff wrote this

St. Patrick is the beloved hero of Irish lore, eradicator of snakes from the beautiful Emerald Isle, and notorious symbol of Irish faith and culture. He’s also been totally dead for about 1,300 years or so, and is therefore unavailable for an interview at the present time. Fortunately, The Black Sheep was able to track down an oﬃcial liaison to the late St. Patrick in Purdue junior Patrick O’Connell. O’Connell has both an O and an apostrophe in his last name, has red hair and freckles, and both of his great-grandparents on his mother’s side are from Ireland. Citing these facts, O’Connell claims to be an heir of St. Patrick’s, and feels qualified to speak on his behalf. The Black Sheep: St. Patrick has been remembered and celebrated for hundreds of years. Why do you think his legacy has been able to stand the test of time? Patrick O’Connell: Well, first of all, you can refer to me as St. Patrick since the old one is basically my Grandpa. And secondly, I think that you can agree that I was just really dope back in the day. People obviously thought I was really cool to dedicate a holiday about drinking to me. TBS: Historically, there is nothing linking St. Patrick to alcohol consumption, and some might find it offensive that a holiday celebrating the Patron Saint of Ireland has been characterized by binge drinking. What is your take on this? PO: There’s nothing oﬀensive about crushing some brews to honor all the cool things I did back in old times Ireland. And I’m sure that me and the other saints knew how to turn up. I would probably be like “Wow, people are so glad that I’m a saint that they want to take shots about it? I’m cool with that.” It’s not like God made a law about saints not being

able to drink until you throw up. TBS: There are many legends surrounding St. Patrick and his activities in Ireland. Which do you find to be your favorite? PO: I’m glad you asked because I think it is so cool how I got rid of all the snakes in Ireland in one try. I was just minding my own business, probably praying since I was a saint, when suddenly all these snakes came at me. There was thousands. They probably worked for the Devil is my guess. So I looked at these snakes and I was like ”Time for a dip, mofos” and then I drove all those snakes into the ocean. Everyone in Ireland was like “wow that was sick” and honestly that’s probably a big reason that I’m so revered today. TBS: There are many historians who refute this story, and claim that there was never an indigenous snake population in Ireland for St. Patrick to eradicate. How do you respond to these claims? PO: It’s no surprise to me that I’ve got haters. They want to knock me down because I’m a saint and I have my own holiday. I just feel bad for these people. When they want to talk about the facts instead of hiding behind their “science” then they know where to find me. TBS: How do you think that Saint Patrick himself would be spending this holiday? PO: Okay, by that I’m guessing you mean me. And I’m going to live up to the old legends. I’m going to drink Guinness—that stuﬀ is made in Ireland authentically, I’m going to step on any snakes that I see until they’re squished, I’m going to spread Catholicism to all the heathens that try to cross me. I think that would make me proud.

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THE TOP TEN Places to Nap on Campus During Spring Break Stuck on campus this break and wanting to catch some z’s? Here are a few of the best places to nap with no disruptions thanks to a scarcely populated campus.

THE FRESHMEN SPRING BREAK SURVIVAL GUIDE Maddie wrote this

It’s that magical time of year Purdue students, SPRING BREAK. But what is there to do when you’re that unfortunate freshman who didn’t make any spring break plans and are stuck staying is West Lafayette? You can’t stay in the dorms, the campus is deserted during the day, dining courts are closed, your nights are just as boring as your days, and you could really use some money. Here are some thoughts on what to do on campus during your spring break. Where do I go? Sure, Owen Hall is so luxurious, but they kicked you out for the week and staying at upperclassmen friends’ places isn’t an option. Consider the upstairs area of Purdue’s Memorial Union. You can’t beat the homey feeling of the couches and chairs. But if you want a place with a little more privacy, head over to Hicks Undergraduate Library. With the underground floors, countless couches, chairs, and tables, you have everything you need to make yourself an incredibly comfy, cool fort. Hello, home away from home. How should I pass the time? What is there to do on this deserted campus for the next week? EXPLORE! Go check out what the campus has to offer. Go check out the Lawson computer science building; you might find the new cool hangout spot. Check Elliot out, bring some music and put on a concert. Who knows, you could be the next Taylor Swift. If you’re still looking for something else, get a head start on your beach bod for the summer and shock everyone with how good you look by working out at the Corec. Pretend you’re on vacation by taking a dip in the pool. It’s just like the beach, but with more chlorine! The possibilities are endless. Help me, I’m hungry. The beloved dining courts are closed, you’re hungry and you need food. But it’s hard because you’re a freshman on a budget. You need cheap alternatives. Dining Dollars and Boiler Express are perfect alternatives; you’re not spending your parents’ money! Hit up Lemongrass if you’re in the mood for sushi or Chinese. La Salsa for Mexican, Fresh Italian Kitchen for some fantastic pizza, and the Oasis Café for some great sandwiches and wraps. If you’re looking for something different than pizza, AJ’s Burger and Beef hits the spot when you need a good burger! If all else fails, live off McDonald’s for the next week. You’re lovin’ it… because you’re forced to. It’s dark out, what do I do now? With the sun down what are you supposed to do? Well, if you’re the movie type Wabash Landing Number 9 always has a great selection of movies playing. Your friends are on the screen now. If you’re still trying to work with that budget, Netflix is a great alternative, but forget small screens. Walk over to Beering or Stanly Coulter hook your computer up to a projector kick back and enjoy your movie on the big screen. Just like going to the movies but everything’s better when it’s free! It’s a prefect time to kick back, relax and spend some quality time with you. Help me, I’m poor. Let’s face it, you have nothing better to do this week, so go apply for a job and make some money. Purdue has several on - and off - campus job opportunities. One of Purdue’s landmarks is the Discount Den, where you can get anything you could ever need in one convenient store. For all of you fashionistas out there, the Tippecanoe Mall over in Lafayette has endless places to make some money. Staying in West Lafayette during spring break may not be how you expected to spend your first spring break go-round, but it’s not the worst thing in the world. All you have to do is use a little imagination and make the most out of your week at Purdue.

10.) Biology Resource Center: BRC is a small area located in the basement of Lilly with comfortable leather couches. Fancy, unlike your ratty, party-ravaged house. 9.) The Union: Fighting to find a solid undisturbed couch in the Union when school is in session is impossible. Ah, but spring break is diﬀerent. The best spot to rest in the Union is the smaller room with the fireplace located to the right of the front entrance. Snag a quick nap while nobody’s on campus. 8.) Wetherall: On the first floor of Wetherall, there are numerous couches to rest your eyes on. Typically, people are constantly in and out of the building, so the noise can be quite the distraction. With everyone out of town on break, the obnoxiousness of others will no longer be a problem. 7.) A Bench Outside: If the weather is nice, you’re good to go! Grab a long bench and get some quality time outside, that way when people ask you what physical activity you did on spring break, at least you’re able to say you were outside. 6.) The Buzzby: Owen’s basement has numerous couches to rest your pretty head on. Kids are here 24/7, so it’s hard to take a nap without being judged. The Buzzby hosts many loud boys who love to scream at the games that are playing on the flat screen T.V. During break you’ll have some quiet space and maybe even a T.V. you won’t have to fight to the death over. 5.) Krach: This new building is constantly filled with kids trying to find a private study spot. The good thing is that it has four levels, which means four times the solid sleep you can get. Hike up to the fourth floor, most other people are too lazy to do the same. Heck, count it as your workout for the day. 4.) Hicks Café: In a corner, you can find a triangle-shaped mattress at the end of the bar. Do you really need any more information? Having sleep and food in the same location just makes it sound like you’re already winning at life. 3.) The Saunas in the Gym: A quick twenty-minute snoozer in the sauna could be just what you need. Any longer than that could be unhealthy for your body. It’s also one of the few ways to burn calories while doing absolutely nothing, so you’re a winner all over again. 2.) A booth in Wiley Dining Court: When you walk into Wiley, to the right there’s a smaller section filled with booths that looks almost private. Snag one in the back corner and you’re good to snooze for hours, or until the dining court employees come around asking to swipe your ID again because you’ve been in there too long. 1.) Lawson Computer Science Building: Lawson Lounge is a pretty prime time location for a catnap. It has a lot of couches and not a lot of people during break. Which also means nobody stopping to talk to you about their life’s diﬃculties. Everybody wins. Kennedy Phalen wrote this

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ON THE STREETS WHAT WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU DURING SPRING BREAK LAST YEAR? ALEXANDRA F.

“I went on a cruise to Mexico with my 7 best friends for a week and got to go snorkeling, see the islands, and meet a bunch of new people.”

JAKE L.

“Going to Mexico being able to see all of the sights and drinking with my family was the best part.”

JESSICA L.

“Spending the week in the Bahamas with my best friends, getting a tan, waiting in line for every single thing we did, trying to take Pinterest pictures with Payton, and watching the dance contests in the disco club.”

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Waterfront Apartments • 320 Brown St., W. Lafayette CHECK US OUT ONLINE! WATERFRONTAPARTMENTSWL.COM

MEXICAN GRILL & BAR

Bar Open Late Every Night! Catering Now Available! DAILY FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS: CHECK THE BAR GRID!

EXICAN GRILL & BAR

TUESDAY: $2 Double Wells $2 Any Draft $2 Hot Shot of the Day $5 3 Olives Long Islands*

Everyday: $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

TUESDAY: 5 for $15 Blue Moon and Red Stripe Buckets $13 Sangria Pitcher $3.75 Well Drinks

TUESDAY! Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart

$1.50 Double Well Mixers $1 Sharkbite Shots $1 Wounded Turtle Shots $2.50 Domestic Drafts $2.00 Fireball Shots

$10.99 Steak Night! $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

5 for $15 312 and Sam Adams Buckets $13 Margaritas and Mojito Pitchers $2.50 Well Tequila Shots $5 Long Islands

Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts $2.25 Domestic Bottles, $4.25 Fishbowls, Well Drinks

FRI.

$5 Double 3 Olives Mixers $5 Double Wells $5 Premium Flavored Long Islands $13 Boneless Wings & Bud/Coors Light Towers 2-9pm

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$5 Double Wells, $3.50 Well Shots $4 Bombs, $14 Well Pitchers 5 for $12 Miller Lite and Coors Light 5 for $17 Heineken Buckets

$3.75 Captain Morgan, $3.25 Miller/Coors 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Blue Moon 24oz Drafts $3 Bazooka Joe & Cherry Bombs, Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts!

SAT.

$5 Double Bacardi $5 Double Wells $5 Premium Flavored Long Islands

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$5 Long Islands, $3.50 Well Shots $4 Bombs, $14 Well Pitchers 5 for $12 Miller Lite and Coors Light 5 for $17 Corona Buckets

Brex Club! $4.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Bud, Bud Light and Rolling Rock 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Goose Island 312 24oz Drafts, $3 Jager Bombs | Breakfast Club Specials: $2.25 Screwdrivers and Bloody Marys, $3 Fireball Breakfast Shots

SUN.

$2 Double Wells $3 U-Call-It Shots $5 Double U-Call-It Mixers $5 3 Olives Long Islands

$10.99 Steak Night! $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$4.25 Double Well Drinks, Margaritas, and Mojitos

MON.

50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $1 Double Wells $1.25 18oz Bud Light Bottles* $3 U Call It Shots $5 3 Olives Long Islands*

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

5 for $10 Bud Light, Miller Light, and Coors Light

TUES.

$2 Double Wells $2 Any Draft $2 Hot Shot of the Day $5 3 Olives Long Islands*

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

5 for $15 Blue Moon and Red Stripe Buckets $13 Sangria Pitcher $3.75 Well Drinks

Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart

WED.

THURS. SPECIAL NIGHT

BAR GRID

Wing Night (Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ) 25¢ Wings 9pm ‘til gone $1.25 Miller High Life bottles $1.50 double wells $2 Hot Shot of the Day $5 3 Olives Long Islands*

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

5 for $15 Angry Orchard and Sierra Nevada Buckets $4.50 Daiquiris & Pina Coladas $14 Well Pitchers.

Team Trivia at 9:30pm $2.25 Wells, $1.50 Retro Miller Lite Bottles

5 for $12 Miller Light, Bud Light, and Coors Light $4.25 Double Well Drinks

$15 Domestic Pitcher & Pie, $6.50 Domestic Pitchers, $2.25 Wells, $3 Fireball $1.50 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $2 Coronas, $3 Jager Bomb Cups, $15 Domestic Pitcher + Pie, $4 220z Well Drinks, $5 Red Bull Mixers

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FRIDAY & SATURDAY: Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room

FRIDAY & SATURDAY: $3.99 32oz Domestic Drafts

SPECIAL

THREE DOLLAR THREE OLIVES THURSDAY $1 Coors, $2 Wells and $3 Three Olives $3.75 Long Islands

$3.99 Cactus Margaritas

THURS.

$2 Bud/Bud Light Drafts, $15 100oz beer tubes, $12 Bud/Bud Light buckets, $3 Titos, $4 Jacks and $4 Bacardi Bruce in Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJs main room

$3.99 32oz Domestic Drafts

FRI.

$3.50 Smirnoff and Captain Morgan, $4 Jacks, $12 Buckets Miller/ Coors, $15 100oz Beer Tube of Miller/Coors Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room

$3.99 32oz Domestic Drafts

SAT.

Check out your pics on our galleries @ neoncactus.biz

$15.99 House Margarita Pitchers

SUN

Margarita Monday! $2.99 12oz Margaritas

MON.

Check out your pics on our galleries @ neoncactus.biz

$1.99 16oz Domestic Drafts

TUES.

RESERVE TABLES, PRIVATE PARTIES and MORE! Go to neoncactus.biz and CONTACT US to send a message to make your night even more special!

$2.25 16oz Import Drafts

WED.

SOCIAL MEDIA IS YOUR VIP TICKET!!

Follow us on Twitter or FB: Neon Cactus or Neon Cactus Country. Free passes, VIP tables, tickets and contests! Plus up to date info on all events!

Throw some practice shots and registration: 3/6, 3/13, & 3,20

more details @ 765-743-6505 or www.neoncactus.biz

Neon Cactus/Neon Cactus Country

BARTENDER OF THE WEEK

NICOLE/ AMANDA AT HARRY’S

Relationship Status: Taken/ Single Major: None Favorite Drink: Ketel One and cranberry Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Grasshopper What’s the spring breakiest of beers?: Big Douche: Old Style and pineapple juice If you had to name a movie about your best or worst spring break, what would the movie be titled?: Hangover What do we not see enough of on spring break?: Boobs

Is there ever an appropriate time to party naked? When?: Of course. Night. Which US state is worst, and why?: Washington, it rains all the time. Is there anything a flying ninja kick can’t solve?: Nope. What’s a chip flavor that should be invented, but hasn’t been invented?: Frank’s Red Hot Who sent you here, and what is your mission?: To go ugly early. Why should people read The Black Sheep? To know where to go when you’re trying to drink.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

WASTED WEIGHTS

SAUCED SOUP

We know it’s crunch time in the gym in order for you to get that toned spring break body you’ve always dreamed of. So, muster up the strength and courage (and a bottle of Jack) to make it to your local gym, because working out is about to become a lot more fun than you’d expect. What You’ll Need: A gym with weights and machines, your best workout clothes (time to whip out the Lululemon), and a handle of your best vodka. Number of Players: You and whatever bros you hit the gym with. Level of Intoxication: You’ll think you can lift way more than you actually can, brah. How to Play: - Take a drink for every set of 10 reps you complete. - Take two pulls if you skip leg day (bruh…) - If you have to wait on a machine to open up, take a drink. - If you hit the treadmill, take a shot for every mile you run. - If you see someone trying to get swole in jeans, give them a nasty glare then take a shot. - If you take a break in between sets, take a pull to ensure you stay hydrated. The Game Ends When: You finally have that rockin’ body or you’re so drunk you think you do.

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Even with the weather just exiting Antarctic conditions, you’re still going to want to eat something that will warm you up a bit. Let’s head to the kitchen and whip up a nice bowl of soup, shall we? What You’ll Need: Chicken broth, some kind of noodles, salt, pepper, and an assortment of vegetables and/or meat. Cook Time: 45 minutes Fatty Factor: You’re about to overdose on sodium. Let’s Get Baked: - Grab a large pot and start heating up the broth. - Start dicing up your vegetables and meat. Peppers, carrots, green beans and chicken work well, but we understand if you don’t have a fully-stocked kitchen. In that case, you might be settling for tomatoes, broccoli, and hot dogs. - Throw your chopped up vegetables and protein into the pot. - Stir occasionally, not really sure why, but just do it. - Let it cook for about 30 minutes, then take it oﬀ the stove. - Make sure to let it cool before you start slurping it down so you don’t burn the roof of your mouth. If you do burn the roof of your mouth, take this as a hint and shower yourself in your boiling hot soup. This will allow your full body to become numb and you won't have to worry about the cold again.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Drunk Subcultures

of St. Patrick’s Day

n Howell wrote this i l e t Ka

No matter how you view St. Patrick’s day, you’ll be sure to see a lot of green and a whole lot of drunk people. Of course, with this you’ll be sure to see many drunk subcultures on St. Paddy’s Day. The Black Sheep is here to tell you who you can cross off your checklist on March 17th.

THE ONE WHO’S DRUNK ALL DAY: To some people (or some person) St. Patrick’s Day is just an excuse to begin celebrating the holiday at 10 a.m., continuing their drunk adventures well into the evening. This year St. Paddy’s Day falls on a Tuesday, which gives many the college student an opportunity to drink during the first half of the week with little or no judgment (but still a lot of judgment). THE ONE WHO LOVES THE LUCK OF THE IRISH: You remember. That Disney Channel Original Movie. The one where the high school guy uncovers his heritage (like it’s a trade secret) and then randomly begins to shrink and turn into a leprechaun? Yeah, that movie! It’s a classic according to that guy who watches it every St. Paddy’s Day and holds a special monthly screening. Because it really is that good. THE ONE WHO TURNS THE DAY INTO A DRINKING GAME: Take a shot every time you see someone wearing green. Two shots if you see someone carrying a four-leaf clover. Chug a beer if you hear someone say “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.” Take a drink if someone’s drinking a green drink. Basically just notice anything St. Patrick’s Day related and get hammered. THE ONE WHO ABSOLUTELY REFUSES TO WEAR GREEN: There will be those people that won’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day because they’re “better” than that. And if you try to pinch him or her for not wearing green, they’re gonna snap at you and you’re gonna regret ever daring to play along with holiday tradition. THE SELF-APPOINTED EXPERT ON IRISH BEER: Are you trying to order a Guinness to celebrate the holiday? Well, according to this one guy you saddled up next to, the same guy who has spent his whole night on the same bar stool, a Murphy’s Irish Stout is the best Irish beer to be drinking for St. Patrick’s Day. You should just ignore this guy ‘cause you’ll definitely still be ordering a Guinness. THE ONE WHO’S ALSO RIDICULOUSLY HIGH: “Brah, clovers are green, brah, and weed is green, mannnnn…” Even though these two look nothing alike, he thinks that’s a hilarious reason to smoke, so he’ll continue laughing to himself well after you’ve slowly backed away from them. THE COUPLE WHO’S TRYING TO GET PREGNANT (OR, JUST NOT TRYING NOT TO): Booze and luck sound like the perfect ingredients for a night of baby making. And hey, it might be. March 17 just might be the luckiest (wink wink) day of your life. Because getting lucky has many a meaning, keep a green condom on hand to ice that cake.

THE ONE WHO’S STILL CELEBRATING MARDI GRAS: This guy still has some leftover beads that he’s definitely not going to waste. He’ll be throwing them at random women walking around hoping to get a glimpse at some boobs. This guy might get lucky, but there’s no pot o’ puss at the end of his rainbow.

Sorry bro, but beads are so last month...

THE ONE WHO DOES PLAY-BY-PLAY ON SOCIAL MEDIA: We all know that one person who uses social media every minute of her lives, but for St. Patrick’s Day you’re going to see live updates of a continuously drunk Tuesday. From sloppy Instagram pictures of girls with duck faces to misspelled tweets and 212 Snapchat stories of green shots, it’s not going to be pretty. THE ONE WHO PARTIES LIKE GATSBY: A little party never killed nobody, especially on St. Patrick’s Day. This dude has invited the whole city to his place. No one knows who this guy is—perhaps he’s a mythical Irish creature—but he’s officially thrown the best St. Patrick’s Day party ever. THE GUY WHO IS SLOWLY GETTING NAKED: At first it was harmless. Just a couple shots and his feet got hot so his shoes came off. Then another couple of shots made him take his shirt off. After the bartender threw him out the shots really started to hit him and so now he’s walking around completely nude.

You’re about to see if he’s a real ginger...

THE SHORT, RED-HEADED PERSON WHO’S SICK OF EVERYONE’S SHIT: It’s an unfortunate day to have red hair and be really short on St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone around the ginger comments on what a “wee little thing” he is. Word of caution: short people are the perfect height to knee anyone right in the sweet spot. Furthermore, gingers have a shorter fuse because of all the other built-up residual anger about people making fun of their soulless nature. THE ONE WHO KNOWS WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT THE HISTORY: If you get outside during St. Patrick’s Day some drunk’s bound to come up to you to slur apocryphal tales about the holiday. We’re not even sure what the history is because, honestly, does it matter? (Hint: No.) THE ONE WHO SAYS THEY’RE IRISH JUST SO THEY CAN GET KISSED: Trust no one on this green holiday. If anyone seems remotely interested in you and ready to smooch, don’t fall into their trap. It’s just the “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” façade. Consider yourself warned. THE ACTUAL LEPRECHAUN: Good luck will immediately fall upon you if you see an actual leprechaun on this apparently lucky holiday. Yes, you can count a midget short person as a leprechaun. But that’s only acceptable if they’re decked out in everything green and gold, and they must be wearing ugly black clogs, as was the style at the time.

Avoid an actual laprechaun at all costs...

PLAY ST. PADDY'S BINGO! NUDITY

GREEN BEER

SOMEONE CRYING

A PADDY WAGON

DRUNK OLD MAN

SOMEONE ASLEEP

STRIPED SOCKS

A COP

A BEER BONG

GREENMAN

GREEN EGGS OR HAM

A FIGHT

LEPRECHAUN HAT

A WIPEOUT

DROPKICK MURPHYS SHIRT

THIS SIGN

A MAKEOUT

OUTDOOR PEEING

A BAGS GAME

PUKE

A DRINKING TICKET

A DRUNK ASIAN

MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA

INDOOR SUNGLASSES

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

LET’S TEAR UP THIS BANGER! Even though it’s only a ___1___ night, I’m always down to get a little turnt. Pounding some ___2___s, slamming some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ sister’s friend’s neighbor who’s in ___5___, and she’s turning 21. Who doesn’t love a good shitshow birthday, amirite? Since getting my fake ID for Christmas I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth of ___7___ because bitches love that shit. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up a new button-up, and just tell people it’s from ___9___because everyone will be too drunk to know the diﬀerence. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___, everyone loves fire! Should I pick up some helium balloons, inhale some, and do my infamous ___11___ impression? Yeah, bruh, probably. Every girl loves ___12___ because it reminds them of their childhood, and then they start talking about ___13___ and then they got all excited, and that’s good for the dudes, know what I’m saying? I also heard that ___14___ is going to be there, and that she can twerk better than ___15___ and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___, some ___18___, and ___19___, the bitches love her. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to really get them asses bouncin’. Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!

WORD BANK 1) Weekday 2) Shitty beer 3) Freshman dorm 4) Your roommate 5) “Fun” sorority 6) Flavor 7) Unusual liqueur 8) Grocery store 9) High-end designer 10) Type of firework 11) Cartoon character 12) Cartoon from #11

13) Popstar from your childhood 14) Hottie on campus 15) Hot celebrity female 16) Old but hot celebrity female 17) Overplayed EDM artist 18) Classic rock band 19) Classic popstar 20) Bangin’ rap song 21) Cartoon from #11 22) Drunk food

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