The Black Sheep
cal free.. ori . lik es. e happ 3000 y th delic anks ious giv ing
Vol. 1, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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11/21/13 - 12/5/13
Returning Freshman Causes Moment of Silence upon Mentioning Native American Genocide BY: Black Sheep Staff “We always knew college was a bullshit idea.” John, a 43 year old farmer from Monticello, sat down with The Black Sheep to express his concerns over the nature of higher education. He was brought to anger by the attitude of his daughter Martha, a Purdue freshman returning home for Thanksgiving break. According to John, she’s been dwelling on the trivial details of Europe’s liberation of the New World. She’s somehow found fault in the fact that the first Thanksgiving dinner was followed by the slaughter of an entire race of people. “It’s just that, in history class, we’re taught all about the facts of colonization,” Martha bursts out, her quickness to defend education demonstrating the depth of her ignorance. “The greater globalized society isn’t something that arose out of the sole industriousness of Europe or America. Their success, and really our whole modern way of living, was attained through the exploitation of every civilization outside of the West.” Her arms are flailing at this point; the passion of her words falling on ears too caked with zealotry to mistake her ravings as anything beyond youthful angst. “This supposed celebration of unity and generosity is little more than the band-aid applied to our guilt-ridden conscience,” she continues. “Our history of mass slaughter and enslavement isn’t something to be celebrated with half-hearted
grins shot across the table at relatives we don’t even like.” Martha’s interruption earns a stern glare from John. His cock-waving nationalism won’t allow his personal pride to take such a lashing. He knows those stars and stripes are soaked in the blood of patriots. There’s nothing about this conversation he’s enjoying, and the evidence is painted red all over his face. “You see? You see!? Nothing but the brainwashed nonsense you’d hear from an academic nut-job. It’s like them pussymouthed brainiacs teached all the soul outta ‘er.” John’s lectures stem from a powerful connection to his ancestry. He delivers his remarks beneath a painting that depicts a tribe of Indians being given a generous gift of blankets by the indebted pilgrims. “It’s like this. First we had dumb folk. Now, we got good folk. You can thank the Bush family for that one. But what we gotta be damn well cautious about is becoming smart folk.” John explains, taking a moment to add to his spittoon. “There ain’t but one thing that helped this country become number one, and that’s our solid Protestant work ethic. Imagine this great nation deprived of McDonalds, American Idol, or low budget pornography. Is that really a country you want to live in; one where nature and community are all we can rely on? I didn’t think so.”
John’s sentiments can brag of West Lafayette’s support. According to polls taken by The Black Sheep, a rousing 100% of Caucasian families casually overlook Thanksgiving’s factual history in the hopes of hosting a more comfortable dinner. “Sometimes I just feel there might be more to life than major league football and Miley Cyrus jokes,” Martha interjects with profound naivety. “It’s just… I watch those twerking butt flaps and wonder if this moment was worth 200,000,000
deaths, you know? Like, maybe there’s some better way our short time on Earth could be spent, and that in learning from diversity we could come to appreciate our own place in the world with an authentic sense of depth. I don’t know. I guess I’ve got a lot more lectures to get through before I reach a true understanding of history’s practical value.” “You’re damn right ya do,” John boasts with a victorious smirk. “They might be able to drill literature and science into your head, but they’ll never be able to
drain the red white and blue from your heart.” His words express a common truth. Thanksgiving is a time for sweeping uncomfortable realities under the rug for the sake of barely tolerating people we have almost nothing in common with. It’s a whole hearted love that looks to stuff its face, get wasted, and pass out in front of football. We can all carve our turkeys this year with the satisfying knowledge that all men are created equal, as long as they don’t have something we want.
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The First Fratsgiving
Top 10: Things to Do with a Turkey Baster
Professor Cyber Bullied out of Purdue
We recount one fratstar’s thanksgiving and why he’s not allowed back.
Besides making that plump bird moist, of course.
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The First
Fratsgiving By: Black Sheep Staff Now, I don’t hate being at home. I like to visit the fam’ every once in awhile for a short detox but then I’m back to the West Lafayette campus for another retox. Thanksgiving break is just way too long and after what happened last year, I’m not so sure I’m welcome anymore… It was the day before Thanksgiving. My mind was already numb with the constant drone of the damn vacuum cleaner going back and forth in the upstairs hallway. I never had to deal with this shit back on campus. The halls of my frat were caked with food crumbs, old gum and just a splash of alcohol, but no one ever complained about it. Clearly my stay-athome mom had nothing better to do than suck up dust bunnies and bore the hell out of me. I peered over into the kitchen to see my brother John sitting at the table. John was a freshman and the biggest geed you’d ever meet. I had been trying to get him to pledge my frat for weeks in an attempt to pull him out of the bowels of West Lafayette. I had decided that
this was the week I was finally going to convince him to become a man. “Whaddup, bro?” I slid into the seat next to him with a fresh can of Keystone, a coming home gift I bought for myself even though my dad had some tight bottles of Heineken in the fridge. “So we got that family party tomorrow, you stoked?” “Uh, I guess?” he replied raising his eyebrow over his stupid thick-framed RayBans. “It’s just Thanksgiving at grandma’s.” “A party’s a party, dude! And you know what that means? All the free booze we want … so long as we sneak it in the bathroom. Am I right?” I asked, punching him in the shoulder. He stared at me for a few moments before rolling his eyes and walking away. “Whatever, dude, tomorrow’s going to be epic. You’ll see.” The next morning I woke up ready to start pregaming. I grabbed my bottle of Jäger and threw back some doubles while Skrillex’s “Bangarang” played
through my bedroom stereo. After my sixth round, I stumbled into my brother’s room with a half-tucked in polo and my trusty snapback. “Theme … theme party,” I slurred, “We’re doing ‘Colony Bros and Indian Hos,’ got it? Can I borrow your pilgrim belt?” Not amused and unfazed by my state of drunkenness, John helped me out to the car where my parents were waiting. When we arrived at my grandma’s, I could feel the alcohol leaving my system. I quickly whipped out my flask and chugged down the rest. I was ready to turn this family party up a notch. “Heeeeeyyyyooo!” I yelled as soon as my grandma answered the door. Startled and confused, my entire family stared at me as I fist bumped everyone in the room and gave a little ass squeeze to some of the younger babes in attendance. I began clearing off the dining room table to make room for a game of BP when my grandma dragged me aside.
“Christopher, I think you should go into the back room and lie down,” she muttered as sternly as a police officer. With a head nod up and a wink, I made my way to the “back room,” clearly the OK for me to smoke some hash and increase my appetite. After a quick blaze and a few shots of Listerine mouthwash, I made my way back into the main room where I unexpectedly had the urge to break the seal. Before I could even unzip my fly to take a corner piss, my brother rushed over to stop me. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he screamed at me. Before I could protest, I spotted her. Long legs, toned ass and tits like Kate Upton. “Who’s that slampiece?” I won-
dered aloud, “I’d like to take her ass to bucktown.” Horrified, my brother harshly whispered, “Chris, that’s our 12-year-old cousin Claire! She’s in the sixth grade!” But my booze-infested brain didn’t compute the message, and I slowly made my way over to her. As soon as I opened my mouth to speak, a rush of nausea hit me. At the exact moment my grandmother placed the roasted turkey on the table, I turned and blew chunks over the entire bird. Needless to say, there was really nothing to be thankful for that year when your turkey is covered in regurgitated Jäger. But my parents did decide that it was best for me to head back to campus early. And that, my friends, was the greatest blessing of them all.
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The
Top
Ten
Things to Do with a Turkey Baster
By: Strawberry Shortcock Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce … a day with your shitty relatives and a week trying to avoid your even shittier high school friends. Thanksgiving just isn’t what it used to be. To combat the dread, The Black Sheep has collected a list of entertaining things to do with your favorite Thanksgiving appliance: the multi-purpose turkey baster. 10.) Replace Your Shot Glasses: Who cares about the sentimental shot glass you bought during that week you spent in Europe? Toss them aside and opt for a turkey baster instead. Screw double shots—we’re talking about a glorious octuple shot here, folks. Invite your friends and family members—especially that one you’re pretty sure is an alcoholic.
How To Win
Thanksgiving Day By: dan collins Let’s face it: besides the glorious meal at its climax, Thanksgiving is not the best of holidays. There’s no presents, no candy, no parties, and you generally have to spend the entire thing with your family. This can be, at best, mildly entertaining, and at worst, a complete disaster. But have no fear, The Black Sheep is here to show you how to win Thanksgiving. The night before Thanksgiving is the universal night for reunions with old friends, so let’s not even pretend you didn’t drink your face off with your high school buddies. Thus, the first obstacle in the way of a successful Thanksgiving is the massive hangover pounding you repeatedly in the head. To combat this, start your day off with a fresh Budweiser. Suggest the rest of your family have one too. While you’re used to drinking all day and being “unaffected,” the rest of your family won’t be. This will provide some muchneeded entertainment later in the day when mom drunkenly attempts a back handspring in the living room. Even if the whole crew is now stumbling drunk, Thanksgiving is still all about family bonding. This is especially important to parents of college students because, with the kids out of the house, opportunities to bond are few and far between. One great way to bring the family together is by going out and getting the Thanksgiving turkey together. But going to the store as a family will be a nightmare. To spice things up, rather than buying one, have the family band together in the hopes of killing a turkey as a team. Nothing brings people together like a traumatic experience, and few things are more traumatic than forcing your little sister to slit the throat of a ferocious wild beast. If your worthless family fails at this, you still have one opportunity to salvage your day. Live like the settlers from the first Thanksgiving and, in the true spirit of the holiday, steal a turkey from your neighbors. They don’t necessarily have to be Native American, but anyone with brownish sort of skin will work. The settlers didn’t bother
to confirm that the people they were mistreating were Indian, and in the spirit of the America, neither should you. Another way to add some excitement to Thanksgiving is the family football game. These traditional family games of football are open to anyone, no matter how old or young, which makes them incredibly boring. Plus, there’s no way you’re going to lose (again) this year because you’re supposed to let little Jeffrey score every time he gets the ball. Take it upon yourself to eliminate, via stretcher, all unfit players from the game. If grandma didn’t want to get lit up crossing the middle, she shouldn’t have come into your zone. This may end with you spending the rest of your Thanksgiving at the hospital, or possibly the morgue, but it’s worth it as long as you get the win at the end of the day. If your previous antics have not gotten you disowned yet, there is really only one more obstacle between you and euphoria (dinner): watching football. Obviously, watching football with your relatives is a recipe for an insufferable experience. But, since they have jobs and “better” things to do besides drink, watch football, and go to the occasional class, it will soon be clear that they know nothing about any of the teams playing. Use this to your advantage by making “friendly” wagers on the games to make them more interesting. You can rest assured that if you can survive the rest of the day, you will be able to afford enough booze to kill a bear, compliments of Great Aunt Linda. Disclaimer: If you are Italian and have any suspicion about possible mob activity by your relatives, we do not recommend you try this. By following these simple steps, there is no doubt that you will have your most exciting Thanksgiving since Uncle Ben “accidentally” stabbed Uncle Jack with the carving knife. Whether it’s exciting enough to make up for the pending lawsuits and loss of inheritance is yet to be seen, but it can’t possibly be worse than last year.
9.) Participate in a Water Gun Fight: Efficient? No. Effective? Absolutely not. Entertaining? Even more than when you found out what YouTube was. 8.) Make PERFECT Deviled Eggs to Make the Rest of Those Pinterest Bitches Jealous: Gone are the days of sloppily dolloped deviled eggs that look like a four-year-old took a shit on them. Impress all your judgmental family members by using a turkey baster to control the stream of delicious egg mash, making sure to give each egg a classy, Dairy Queen swirl on top. Feel free to Instagram it afterward, you wonderful DIY bitch. 7.) Snot Suck: Don’t be that guy in class that refuses to blow his nose and instead spends the whole hour preparing to hock the overlord of all loogies. Instead, whip out your handy-dandy turkey baster, suck that shit right out of your nose and save yourself from a semester full of judgment. 6.) Naturally Enhance Your Maleness: This little trick isn’t for all of our readers, but if you’re feeling a little insecure about the size or girth of Jack, Jake or John Jr., load him into a turkey baster and pump your heart away. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper than cock enlargement pills and a lot less embarrassing than buying a real penis pump. If you’re wondering how you’re supposed to fit your dick in that tiny turkey basting hole in the first place, give your dick a pat on its back and politely move on to number five below. 5.) Artificially Inseminate Your Cousin Hilary: Did you really think we could make it to number one without including this one? You know what to do. Bonus points if it’s not your own sperm sample. 4.) Become a Crime Fighting Super Hero Named “Heimlich”: Accidentally choking on food kills, like, a ton of people every year. You’d be as beloved as Batman if you donned a sexy spandex suit and ran around saving people from choking by shoving your turkey baster down their throat and suctioning out the food that’s lodged in their throat. 3.) Create a Work of Art: If you’re artsy, or if you just really like to drizzle things onto other things or whatever, then siphon up whatever paint you have lying around and splooge it out onto a canvas, sheet of paper or mason jar. Jackson Pollock might have done it first, but you can be the very first hipster to use a turkey baster to apply paint. Congrats! 2.) Have Sex: We shouldn’t have to explain this to you. Be inventive! Be spontaneous! Be open-minded! If you get stuck, we’re pretty sure there’s an entire subReddit devoted to this topic that can help you out. 1.) Become a Master Baster: At the end of the day, we don’t give a shit how you use your utensil. We just hope that you own it, that you rock it and you master it. Nothing is more fun than being a master baster.
05
Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets What fictional President of the United States would you most want heading our country? nior Quinton, Se
“I would want Harrison Ford heading our country because he isn’t afraid to take a terrorist out himself.”
nior Chelsey, Ju
“I’d want President Richmond from Disney’s My Date With The President’s Daughter running our country.
nior Michael, Ju
“I would pick Terry Crews from Idiocracy because he uses monster truck rallies for capital punishment.”
06
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Professor Cyber Bullied Out of Purdue By: Sam Caravette Stating that such actions are “shocking” and are a “first-time occurrence for Purdue University,” university officials confirmed that a 20-year-old female student has been cyber bullying a male professor in an unnamed department, causing the professor to drop his tenure and leave the university. While the scandal is still currently under investigation, the university has released many of the details surrounding the events prior to his departure. According to the victim, who would prefer to protect his identity under his Skype username, “Ben Dover,” the student in question had attended his office hours in order to study for an upcoming exam. “It all began innocently enough,” whimpered Professor Dover as he fidgeted in the dark confines of his room. “She was doing well on all the in-class material, but her exam grades were plummeting. I thought I was just doing my job … until she seduced me.” Sources indicate the female student, who will be referred to under her Skype username name “Layla Konswallow,” began pursuing Dover in an attempt to raise her grade through physical strategies, rather than mental preparation. According to the police report, Konswallow entered Dover’s office around 11 p.m. on January 30, 2013, wearing nothing but a skimpy nurse costume. Konswallow reportedly stated, “There’s only one type of D I want in this class,” before sending the professor to the floor in a sexual rage. Their affair lasted for the remainder of the semester during Dover’s “special” office hours at his Lexington home, until the final grades were posted on-
line. That’s when her sexual games took a turn into full-on harassment. “I had to give her a C,” stated Dover defiantly. “Her ‘orals’ were mediocre at best, and the climaxes were too standard. She didn’t put out ‘A’ material.” After checking her grades online, Konswallow was reportedly sent into a crazed frenzy. After all, she had turned down several booty calls a week just to ensure she was in prime condition for her continued affair with her scholarly lover. According to sources, Konswallow initiated her vicious cyber attacks on the website Formspring.me. An “anonymous’” account began asking vulgar questions on Dover’s profile. Such questions ranged from, “Does your wife know you have a micropenis?” to “Do you cry every time you ejaculate?” Eventually, the attacks escalated off the website. “She began posting about what a ‘whore’ I was on my Koofers profile and giving me low ratings on Ratemyprofessors.com,” said Dover, adding that Konswallow’s ratings have caused him to lose his chili pepper on the popular website. “She anonymously sent emails out to the class listserv saying the only reason I got my PhD is because I sucked off the PhD committee and my supervisor. It’s just awful.” Friends and family of the professor have encouraged him to simply turn off his computer and ignore her hurtful comments, but Dover seems to be consumed by the torment. Sources confirmed that soon after the cyber bullying became a daily occurrence, Dover was sent into a spiral of self destruction ranging from burning himself to taking up bulimia
in order to cope with the internet assaults. Dover’s actions soon became apparent to his students, as he was often late to lecture and was no longer a stickler about required reading. “He just didn’t seem to care about anything anymore,” replied sophomore, Jenny Beckler. “I knew something was wrong as soon as he rolled up his tweed blazer, revealing his wrists. I pretended like I didn’t see, but I just knew.” University officials were first notified of the professor’s mental breakdown after he appeared in his 9 a.m. lecture wearing nothing but a teddy and some lipstick on his forehead that spelled “SLUT.” Dover was taken to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation but was diagnosed with mono, or possibly strep throat. The embarrassment of the entire situation caused Dover to drop his tenure and relocate to Illinois, where he is now a janitor. No development on the implications in store for Konswallow, although investigators are curious as to how mediocre her oral skills really are.
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Hamocrats’
War on Thanksgiving By: black sheepstaff Thanksgiving: Pilgrims came over in giant ships that were awful and contained more disease than a frat house bathroom, the food was abysmal, children starved, and giant sea monsters you’ll never hear about thanks to the liberal media attacked the pilgrims every step of the way. After the long and torturous sojourn, they landed at Plymouth Rock, and after a hella-good harvest, some Puritan was like, “Fuck it, let’s eat all this food at once until we can’t move and have to sleep for 16 hours.” Everyone else fervently agreed and thus Thanksgiving was born. Although we still celebrate Thanksgiving and all its glorious traditions, some contemporary families have declared war on the holiday. And no, we’re not talking about your druncle who says “But American Indians weren’t even at the first Thanksgiving, so why can’t I wear sweats to th-zzzzz?” No, we are of course talking about those Thanksgivers who cook ham instead of turkey on this blessed day.
We want to begin by pointing out the obvious fact that no one in their right mind calls it “Ham Day” for short, they rightfully declare Thanksgiving “Turkey Day.” What the hell would “Ham Day” even entail? Roasting a pig while some dude with a ponytail plays Meatloaf covers on the ukulele? This is Thanksgiving, not a Hawaiian bar mitzvah. Pig roasts are only acceptable for to specific occasions: The aforementioned Jewish coming-of-age celebrations and the day we set aside for remembering the Bay of Pigs, but only as an ironic statement about the failed structure of Cuban socialism. Nonetheless, ham needs to squeal its way off of our Thanksgiving tables. We all know what this really means, though. It’s a liberal effort to bring down the religious sanctity of Thanksgiving, with the efforts of the liberal media, such as Rachel Ray and Guy Fieri, giving families “great alternative recipes for Thanksgiving feasts.” We know what alternative means: gay or socialist.
Truth be told, the left-wing media has had it out for Thanksgiving and what the holiday means for years. Thanksgiving, as the pilgrims would have it, is about the Puritanical beliefs adhered to on the first feast. It’s there so we can celebrate the bounty that God hath provided throughout the year so we can receive his happiness in the year to come. And as the Bible says, around Chapter 10 of Psalms, or Proverbs, or John, or somewhere near the front: “Thou shall not eat pigs, except in the form of bacon, and definitely not on the day of Thanks, which will later be called Thanksgiving, and will mainly be celebrated in the United States, on the fourth Thursday of November, and on the second Monday of October in Canada. On this day they main dish shall be Turkey and everybody who says different is a liar and a sinner.” We are not paraphrasing, look it up. Or do you not own a Bible, you liberal media whore? Now, some of you may say, “But, I have an allergy to all kinds of fowl, and if I eat Turkey then I’ll die.” Not to sound unsym-
pathetic or anything, but tough nuts, pal. We’re not going to back down because of some weak-ass dietary restrictions (which of course sound like made-up hippie nonsense to us). If you’re hungry, go eat another biscuit and be thankful you’re not one of those gluten-free assholes. Allergies are 90% psychological and can be cured by sheer will power and large amounts of Echinacea. Jesus wasn’t allergic to anything. Anything but bullshit. We love Thanksgiving here at The Black Sheep, and we’re thankful that we have a day to show how much more thankful we are than everybody else, thank-
fully. But when you go and mess with the sacred holiday, we have to put our foot down and tell it how it is. We don’t always like this job, but somebody has to do it. So do us a huge favor and when Mom or Granny, or whichever female cooks the Thanksgiving feast in your household suggests that you change things up this year and make a glazed ham instead of a succulent stuffed turkey, call them a terrorist and throw that piece of shit in the trash. Obama might have won health care, but we’ll shut the government down again if we have to in order to end the War on Thanksgiving.
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Bartender of the Week Would you rather have a hornless unicorn, or a horse with a horn?: A horse with a horn because they are magical and one step closer to a unicorn.
Relationship Status: Taken Major: Graduate Favorite Drink: Margarita
Disgusting Drink: Sambuca
What bargoer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: When people have a large drink order, but order one at a time.
How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: I would put it in the bank and then travel. Also, I would never work again.
What’s something that sounds like a sex position, but isn’t?: Pacific rim. It could either be a sex position or even the title of a sex movie.
What is nature’s sexiest animal?: An elephant, because they are so majestic.
If you had to have a hangover or diarrhea for a week, which is it?: Hungover for a week, why would anyone want diarrhea for a week?
Favorite Shot: Fireball
What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: I always have problems with the Oxford comma. If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: Cheese without a doubt, it is just so delicious.
Emilie of Harry’s Chocolate Shop
Drinking Game
How do you look yourself in the mirror eye day after what you’ve done?: I have no idea. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: They should read The Black Sheep because the writers are HILARIOUS.
Recipe for disaster
Happy Shotsgiving (and Taking)
Cranberry Apple Crisp
Not all families are totally cool with the whole “drinking during family parties” thing. If you’re stuck in one of those families, there’s still a way to get your buzz on discreetly with a cousin or two.
Thanksgiving dinner has many staple items that everyone seems to look forward to every year—stuffing, pumpkin pie, the turkey (duh) and cranberry sauce. This season, make your own variation on that last one with this recipe we found for Cranberry Apple Crisp.
What You’ll Need: A bottle of Wild Turkey (or anything you’re interested in taking shots or sips of ) and a boat full of gravy. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: Depends on how wacko your family members are. How to Play: - Take a shot of the Wild Turkey/beer/whatever every time one of these things happen: - That notoriously weird relative does something notoriously weird. - Someone asks, “Do you want light or dark meat?” - Your little cousin complains about eating vegetables. - Someone makes a sex joke about stuffing the turkey. - A balloon blows away during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. - Your football team of choice scores a touchdown. - Someone asks you how long you’re home from school or if you have any job prospects. - You eat so many appetizers you feel stuffed before dinner is served. - The host forgets a dish in the oven and never gets to serve it. - Someone asks for a recipe of someone else’s dish. - Take a shot of the gravy every time one of these things happen: - You take a shot of alcohol that just doesn’t sit right. - You want to grab some more dessert but feel really guilty about it. - Someone leaves early to start Black Friday shopping. - The underdog football team wins. - Someone says you look like you’ve gained or lost weight.
What You’ll Need: 3 cups chopped/peeled tart apples, 2 cup fresh or frozen cranberries, 1 cup sugar, 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour, 1 and 1/2 cups quick-cooking oats, 1/2 cup flour, 1/2 cup brown sugar, 1/2 cup melted butter, and 1/4 cup chopped pecans. Cook Time: Just over an hour Fatty Factor: It was on Pinterest; none of that shit is healthy. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. - Grab a bowl and combine the apples, cranberries, sugar and flour. - Grease an 11-inch by 7-inch baking dish and pour in the mixed ingredients. - Mix the oats, flour, brown sugar, melted butter and chopped pecans in another bowl. - Sprinkle these ingredients on top of the dish as a topping. - Bake it for 50-55 minutes or until the fruit is tender. Bring it over to your girlfriend’s house for Thanksgiving and make her family love you … and make yours jealous you’d never do anything like that for them.
The Game Ends When: Everyone goes home, or you’re in the bathroom puking up the delicious meal you just consumed.
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madlib I was on my way to ___1___ , sipping a
___2___ double-whipped, non-fat ___3___ latte or something, and I decided to pick up the Bible for college girls: Cosmo. ___4___ is on the cover and I love her! Her ___5___ is perfect and, personally, I don’t think she has a ___6___ problem, but if she does, who cares? Right away I flipped to the embarrassing stories section because it’s crazy how crazy they are!!! There was a story of a girl who ___7___ ed on a first date! You couldn’t make that shit up!!! They were ___8___ -deep in some end1: Academic Building 2: Size 3: Italian word 4: Has-been celebrity 5: Body part
Flipping through cosmo less ___9___ and ___10___ and then right A flipped through the sex tips, which said there, on the waitress, boom. No one got that using ___16___ and my ___17___ to give a ___18___ to a guy would make him laid that night. really like me. I’m skeptical. Then there was Then there’s the beauty section, which had something about the ___19___ ___20___ a list of ___11___ face masks. Who knew -___21___ position and I was like, whoa. that rubbing that all over my ___12___ Can’t I get more embarrassing stories up in would make it shinier? Who knew you even here? wanted that shinier? There was also a guide to choosing the right color of ___13___ for Lastly there was a column about making your skin tone. They said ___14___ would ___22___ , which I totally clipped and put on my mini-fridge! be perfect for my ___15___ ? Uhm, okay.
6: Drug 7: Bodily function 8: Body part 9: Appetizer 10: Fruity alcoholic drink 11: Root vegetable
12: Body part 13: Type of makeup 14: Obscure color 15: Facial feature 16: Salad dressing 17: Appendage
18: Type of oral sex 19: Foreign country 20: Direction 21: Body part 22: Drink from #10
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