The Black Sheep FRE
E... FOR LIKE T ACT HAT ING SC A L I K R YO E YO U E U C ARN ARE ED D.
Vol. 2, Issue 4
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/27/14 - 3/12/14
25% OF STUDENTS READING SATIRICAL PAPER TAKE IT SERIOUSLY BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS “The problem with satire is that everyone takes you seriously. I said, ‘yeah guys let’s surrender to the Germans,’ and next thing I know people are laying down their arms. The next day the Nazis are marching in Paris.” – Charles de Gaulle Biology sophomore Alex Johnston was ecstatic after leaving his Thursday afternoon lecture. He just couldn’t wait to tell his friends the news. Running home, he burst through the door and shouted, “Can you believe this!? The Jamaican Bobsled Team won gold at the Olympics, this is unbelievable!” Sadly, his friends didn’t have the heart to tell him he was duped. “It was pretty funny to see how Alex was believing anything he saw in black and white. We couldn’t tell him he was reading a satirical paper,” Alex’s roommate Adam later told The Black Sheep. “Come on, we all know that Alex isn’t what you’d call the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, so it was funny to let him run with it.” However, what would normally be a practical joke for Adam soon went down a slippery slope. “We started feeding Alex made-up news stories from the least credible internet sources imaginable, and this kid just ate it up,” Adam continued. “Like, we put an article on the fridge titled ‘Cops to search 412 Apartments With Drug Dogs,’ and Alex immediately flushed his pot down the toilet.” Unbeknownst to Alex and his roommates, this trend is nothing new. Anthropology professor Jordan Nelson from Purdue University said, “From the first radio broadcast of War of the Worlds to all the Facebook articles about Obama being a terrorist, people can be real dumbasses sometimes.” One satirical writer was able to tell The Black Sheep his dirty secret. “As a satirical writer I’m always asked ‘how do you quote President Daniels?’” local satire writer David Notzirinsky explained. “Sadly they don’t realize you can put quotes around anything and say someone said it. Surprisingly, you can lie on paper the same way you lie to your girlfriend about not sleeping around.” While 25% of people reading a satirical piece will not pick up on hyperbole, modern science is trying to address this problem. Satire expert Bob Larson said, “Oftentimes people don’t get that satire isn’t real. Hell I’m sure someone ate a baby after Jonathan Swift wrote A Modest Proposal.” “I’ve developed a bullshit radar for readers,” computer science Senior
Louie Treml said. “This amazing program will sense when bullshit levels exceed the normal Fox News levels and get to National Enquirer levels, or even The Onion levels.” While Louie hopes to bring this to market soon, the advanced technology found within it means the device is potentially years away from being available to the general public. “This product just can’t come soon enough for the masses. Lately we’ve seen that the general population can’t think for themselves,” political science professor Brandon Summers said. He seemed very concerned
with an alarming statistic adding, “I read just the other day that 5/4 Americans have trouble with fractions.” “I think the saddest part about people believing anything in black and white is that I invented a country called ‘Hottadogstand’ in the Middle East. I then proceeded to write a political science paper about their oppression of women and free speech and my professor wanted to publish my work,” an anonymous student said to avoid exposing academic dishonesty. “I just did it as a joke and she believed it even after making exorbitant claims.”
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OLD WOMAN REMEMBERS THE NAME OF THAT GUY
TOP TEN: INSTAGRAM PICS YOU LOVE TO HATE
BULLETIN BOARD LOOKS LIKE A SWATISKA
CONVERSATION STILL DOESN’T BECOME MORE INTERESTING.
DON’T LIE, YOU’VE POSTED ALL OF THESE TOO.
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Old Woman Finally Remembers the Name of That Guy From That Thing
MONSTER UNDERNEATH BED WISHES YOU WOULD WARN HIM BEFORE BRINGING OVER GUESTS Life as a monster under the bed is rough, especially with a rude roommate. Brawknor is an 8-foot tall demonic reptilian monster who hides underneath slumbering rich kids who don’t have any real things to be afraid of. His latest victim is Terry Dawkins, a sociology major with bad manners but a sick Maserati Ghibli. Whenever Terry happens to bring home a female acquaintance, he totally forgets to give Brawknor a fair warning.
Last week, 72-year-old Doris Etheridge was having trouble recalling a name while in a conversation with her grandson Nicholas. Things escalated quickly after Nicholas tried in vain to brush it off, saying that it wasn’t important, and she could just continue with her story. Mrs. Etheridge was having none of it. This was already the third time that day she’d forgotten a name, which totally threw off the flow of her storytelling. Nicholas tried everything he could think of to jog his grandma’s memory, but nothing was working. “She just
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kept saying ‘he was that guy from that thing,’” said Nicholas. “I asked her to describe what he looked like. Is he a musician? Politician? A friend of yours? Do you know anything about this guy that could help us figure out his name?” Just as Nicholas had given up hope, Doris Etheridge focused harder than ever before, reaching into the deepest recesses of her mind to retrieve the precious name. “Dan Aykroyd!” shouted Doris. “That’s the guy!” She and Nicholas yelped with joy. They had just accomplished the impossible,
and celebrations were in order. After another short 45-minute conversation, they figured out that the thing Doris knew Dan Aykroyd from was his classic film, Ghostbusters II. Doris and Nicholas shared a laugh, knowing they had been through an experience so extraordinary, that their lives would never be the same. Nicholas told his grandmother how much he loved her, and Doris had to hold back her tears. She took a long moment, composed herself, and said, “That’s right, it was Dan Aykroyd. Now, where was I?”
“So, it’s like, 3 a.m., and I’m fast asleep. You know, like everyone else,” said Brawknor. “I’m happily dreaming about haunting a little kid who just watched The Conjuring and then out of nowhere, I hear the bed squeaking. Right on top of me! Can you believe that?! I know Terry knows I’m there. I scare the shit out of him regularly. You don’t just forget about the undead creature whose presence causes panic attacks. Even I warn people before I just barge into their rooms. I use my
powers to give them terrifying nightmares and the constant feeling that they’re being followed.” Brawknor continued to vent his frustrations about Terry’s inconsiderate actions, saying that the whole problem could easily be avoided with a simple
heads-up text. “Look, I know I’m a monster, but I’m no cockblock. All he has to do is give me, like, a five minute heads-up, and I’ll go hang out down the hall somewhere. And another thing, his pillow talk is horrible. He’s so awkward it makes me cringe, and that’s coming from a murderous, satanic brute.”
CURRENT EVENTS
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW TO SOUND LIKE
YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS YEAR’S OSCARS STAFF WROTE THIS
If you’ve been paying even a lick of attention to your most insufferable friend, you should know by now that the Academy Awards are just around the corner. This year, of the six main awards: picture, director, and the acting ones, all 34 nominees come from 11 different movies, so it won’t take long to catch up and sound like the biggest asshole at your Oscars viewing party. But if actually watching the movies is too much of an investment of your time, here’s breakdown of what matters most in each film that will have you sounding like a movie snob in no time. 12 Years a Slave: Roots came out over 30 years ago, so with white guilt at its lowest point since the 80s, Hollywood made sure white people everywhere would have something to hang their heads about. Fat Jay Z, aka Steve McQueen, delivered a heartfelt story from the slave’s perspective. If you’ve ever wondered what your waiter was feeling when you were treating him like shit, this movie is about as close as it gets. When it comes to nominations this movie has them all… well, not really, but it does have the most at ten — tied with Gravity. Ever since this movie came out, it’s been dubbed the best picture and will more than likely win that award, along with everything else it was nominated for, and maybe a few others for good measure. The Academy tends to love movies that make people feel like shit. American Hustle: Have you noticed a severe lack of Jew fros, chest hair, and comb overs in your day-to-day life? Thankfully, this movie has you covered. The cast is the bright spot in this movie, which is surprising considering the horrendously bright and ugly colors of 70s style. Thanks to the Academy’s system of only one actor being a lead in a movie, Bradley Cooper will probably win Best Supporting Actor. He’s a good supporting actor in the way that Andrew Luck was a good backup to Tom Brady in the Pro Bowl, or a shot of vodka is a good chaser for a shot of whisky. Gravity: If you didn’t see it in theaters or don’t own a 3D
THE
TOP
TEN
INSTAGRAM PICS YOU LOVE TO HATE STAFF WROTE THIS
Unless you follow someone with real photography skills or a cool job that allows him to travel around the world, your Instagram feed can get a bit repetitive. And although you like every single picture Hot Rebecca posts, you secretly wanna rip her #nofilter #greeneyes outta their sockets. You’re bound to see these 10 Instagram posts whenever you look, and we know you despise them every single time. How many are you guilty of? 10.) An artsy, black and white Starbucks cup: If you have an Instagram account, chances are you’ve consumed at least one grande soy latte in your life, and dammit, you better let everyone know. Make sure it’s positioned by that slice of lemon pound cake too, so everyone can be extra jealous of your ritzy coffee shop ways while they’re poor at home with instant Nescafe. 9.) An OOTD by a girl with an unimpressive ass: When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Let’s guess. She’s wearing riding boots, leggings and a fashionable, multi-colored scarf too, right? It’s nothing new; she just wants attention and she’ll do—wait, actually that shirt is kinda cute. TV, don’t bother watching this movie. If you’ve ever said something out loud when you’re alone and thought, “People would think I’m crazy if they actually heard me say this,” that’s essentially Sandra Bullock’s whole performance in a nutshell. The fact that this movie is watchable at parts is a credit to Alfonso Cuaron, who should win Best Director, and the sound team who mixed an amazing soundtrack. We’re not sure who Sandra Bullock had sex with to get nominated for Best Actress, but we would bet Boilermaker basketball winning the NCAA tournament before we’d bet on her to win. Dallas Buyers Club: Can we take a minute to just appreciate Matthew McConaughey… Ok. Thanks. Somewhere there is Dorian Gray-esque portrait of Matthew McConaughey getting worse at acting. Or maybe it’s not a portrait, maybe it’s just Nicholas Cage. If all is right in the universe, Matty McRenaissance will be the third actor to win backto-back Best Actors, because he’ll win it this year and next year for Interstellar. Jared Leto is the main competitor for Best Supporting Actor/Actress/30 Seconds to Mars front man. Stacey Campfield could learn a thing or two after watching Ron Woodroof change his radical opinion about homosexuals thanks to Leto’s performance. The Wolf of Wall Street: If you truly want a succinct overview about this movie, the quickest way would probably be to find the nearest computer and google “boobs + quaaludes.” It’s Playboy magazine brought to life, if all the articles were about drugs. The movie has no chance to win any awards nor does Jonah Hill for Best Supporting Actor, unless the Academy is really into masturbating scenes. Unfortunately for Leo,
he delivers what might be his best performance ever, however, he’s not playing a slave, rocking a comb over, or Matthew McConaughey, so he’s going to have to keep waiting on that elusive Oscar.
8.) A gross hand with a semi-attractive nail polish design: Just because you wasted three hours etching out perfectly straight stripes on your pinky finger doesn’t mean we’re going to be impressed (but we kinda are). Try investing in some Vaseline for those man hands instead of another green OPI shade. 7.) A bouquet of flowers from a boyfriend (who isn’t yours): Well, isn’t that sweet. Your favorite onagain-off-again is obviously back on, and you’re still dating Domino’s delivery and Comcast OnDemand. Although you’re happy he went with the spring mix of lilies and tulips, you wish they were on your kitchen table instead.
Her: A director who used to produce skateboarding videos, a white lead actor who gave up acting to rap, and a sexy lead actress who you never see, what’s not to love about Her? Hopefully future generations will look back at Spike Jonze and think, “that was the man who changed films forever,” but it’ll most likely be for his role as an old lady in a fat suit in the Jackass movies.
6.) A super cute puppy (that also isn’t yours): You brought this on yourself by following 10 different puppy-of-the-day accounts, and now you must suffer the adorable consequences. Your squealing and “aww”ing are almost as annoying as the fact that that dog is cuddling with a jumbo-sized tennis ball and not you.
Captain Phillips: The biggest nerd in Hollywood just went and made another movie t hatshowcases a real life hero’s bravery and courage in the face of danger, yawn. We get it Tom Hanks, you like history — and awards — give it a rest already.
3.) A bottle of beer: Bonus points if it’s some obscure, rare craft beer like Three Floyds Zombie Dust. This picture is the humblebrag of alcoholics everywhere who like to show their less-cool friends that they’re drinking on a Tuesday afternoon. Even though you’re not a fan of their choice of brew, a little Monday Funday is always something to be jealous of.
Nebraska/Philomena: We didn’t even watch these movies, and we’re fairly certain people who voted on the awards didn’t watch these movies either. Well, one of them looks like it’s about an old man and his son looking for something or retracing their steps from the past, and the other is about an old woman doing old woman things. Trust us, no one is going to want to talk to you about these movies, so just move on. Inside Llewyn Davis: … did not get nominated, is how that sentence ends. The Coen Brothers and all their pretentious fans can suck it. Since we did the work for you, and you no longer need to watch these movies to sound the world’s greatest film aficionado, go out and do something useful with your time like finish House of Cards.
5.) A heavily edited landscape shot: Everyone has a creative side, some just cover it with more sepia tone than others. You can make any main street sidewalk or college quad look good if you crop it just right. And although the grass may look greener somewhere else, that’s just because they changed the contrast. 4.) A conspicuous cleavage shot: Coming from the same girl as #9, this picture always seem to be accompanied by #blonde and #blueeyes. It’s perfectly angled so there is little left to the imagination. You gotta admit that she looks like, super cute with that cat eye, but why oh why can’t you snag a pair of jugs like hers?!
2.) An inspirational quote: The reason she put that freaking paragraph about love on Instagram is because it’s too long for Twitter and too revealing for Facebook (like, everyone knows she’s talking about Jason). Why people post pictures of just words is something we’ll never understand, but that last sentence definitely has tattoo potential… 1.) A hamburger/sub sandwich/ice cream sundae: So many layers and colors and types of cheese! It’s a photographer’s dream! Although it makes you look like a carb-munching animal, it makes the rest of the Instagram world hungry and sad, giving you the upper hand. Dammit, you win.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS IF YOU COULD HAVE SOMETHING NAMED AFTER YOU, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Grady, Senior
“Condoms, because everybody uses me.”
Jason, Junior
“Salsa, because I am Mexican.”
Zack, Junior
“The weekend, because everybody loves the weekend.”
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$11 Fishbowls $2 Fireball Shots ALL MONTH LONG!
SUNDAYS! $2.50 Double Well Drinks $3 Jagerbombs, $3 Fireball Shots $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Bud/Bud Light Pitchers $15 Pitcher/Pie
THURS.
$1 O Bombs, $5 Double Jack Daniels, Jack Honey, & SoCo, $2.50 Long Islands, $2.50 Double Wells $11 Fishbowls $2 Fireball Shots
Free Hotdogs & Popcorn at Midnight! $1 Select Shot, $4.25 Fishbowls $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Coors Light Pitchers $8.75 Blue Moon Pitchers
FRI.
$1 O-Bombs $3.25 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $4 Double Wells $11 Fishbowls $2 Fireball Shots
Free Hotdogs & Popcorn at Midnight $3 Fireball Shot, $3.25 Miller Lite/ Coors 24oz Drafts, $3.75 Jim Beam/ Red Stag Double Mixers $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.25 Blue Moon 24oz Drafts
SAT.
$1 O-Bombs, $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s, $3.25 Bacardi Mixers $4 Double Wells $11 Fishbowls $2 Fireball Shots
Free Hotdogs & Popcorn at Midnight $3 Jagerbombs $3.25 Bud/Bud Light 24oz Drafts $4.25 Goose 312 24oz Drafts
Steady Saturdays w/ Steady B
Happy Hour! Every Friday & Saturday until 11 PM $2.00 ANY Shot, $1.50 Double Wells $3.75 Coors Light Pitchers
SUN.
$2 Double Well Mixers $3 U-Call-It Shots & Top Shelf Drinks $11 Fishbowls $2 Fireball Shots
$2.50 Double Well Drinks $3 Jagerbombs, $3 Fireball Shots $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Bud/Bud Light Pitchers $15 Pitcher/Pie
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Happy Hour ALL Day $2.00 ANY Shot $1.50 Double Wells $3.75 Coors Light Pitchers
MON.
$1 Double Wells $3 Double Jack Daniels, Jack Honey, SoCo, $1.25 18oz Bud Light Btls 50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $3 U-Call-It Shots
Team Trivia @ 9:30pm $1.50 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Bacardi Mixed Drinks, $3.50 LIME-A-RITA/ STRAW-BER-RITA $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers
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$1.00 ANY Shot $2.00 Coors Light Pitchers $1.00 Well Drinks
TUES.
$2 Double Wells $2 Any Pint $1 O-Bombs $11 Fishbowls $2 Fireball Shots
Euchre Tournament & Ping Pong @ 8pm $2 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $2.50 Corona Bottles, $2.50 Margaritas, $1 Select Shot $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $15 Pitcher/Pie
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LADIES NIGHT! $0.75 Well Drinks $3.00 Martinis $0.75 Shots
WED.
25¢ Wings (9pm- ‘til they’re gone!) Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles, $1.50 Double Wells, $4 32oz B.F.D’s
Team Trivia @ 9:30pm $1 Select Shot, $2 Double Well Drinks $3 Baby Guinness & Dirty Sanchez Shots, $4 Ultimat Vodka Mixers $4.75 Bud/Bud Light Pitchers
Get ready for the Weekend! Event List at fb.com/NeonCactusCountry
Around the World Party! 2/19 Introducing...Slap the Bag! $1.25 Double Wells, $1 Smirnoff Drinks, $1.50 Captain Morgan Drinks $2.50 Crown Royal Drinks
FRIDAY: Bruce Live in Piano Bar 9pm - 2am
St. Practice Day! Wednesday, March 12th
Thirsty Thursdays! 8pm - 3am 2 DJs & Bruce
Fill Your Mug! $3.00 Well Drinks & Domestic Beers $4.50 Captain Morgan, Smirnoff, Long Islands, & Import Beers
Bruce Live in Piano Bar 9pm - 2am
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RA SAYS BULLETIN BOARD “WASN’T SUPPOSED” TO LOOK LIKE A SWASTIKA STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS A beloved third-year Resident Advisor at Owen Hall was recently fired after the bulletin board she designed with the intentions to celebrate Black History Month instead resembled a large, foreboding swastika. Tina Christianson, senior in biology, says she was called in by her Resident Director and fired on the spot after students and staff complained that her bulletin board made the entire floor look like a “recruiting garage for neo-Nazis.” The board, which featured a large, crisscrossing time line purporting to represent the Underground Railroad, has since been taken down. But residents say that there was no mistaking the infamous, anti-Semitic symbol. “It was a giant, black swastika,” said Sarah Rodriguez, a freshman who lives on the floor. “She made a giant swastika with little smiling people standing on in, with air quotes listing facts about Harriet Tubman. It was as if Martin Luther King, Jr. and Hitler had a bastard baby—creepy, but a little more smiley than you expect.”
Christianson claims that the image on her bulletin board was entirely coincidental, citing her impressive track record for taking elective classes in women, gender, and sexuality studies, and English that focus on the struggles of marginalized groups as evidence of her inclusiveness. Glaringly, however, was a total absence from any class representing the department of Jewish studies.
“I mean, when I first saw it, I thought that her residents did it themselves,” said the building’s Multicultural Advocate, Mariah Robinson. “You know, just a bunch of freshmen being drunk assholes, making swastikas on bulletin boards and tea-baggin’ their roommates while they sleep. But then I found out that it was just Tina being an idiot again, and I just thought, ‘Damn girl, you are so dumb.’”
“Listen, I’ve written up so many instances of vandalism in my tenure as an RA,” Christianson said through her tears. “Most of the times it’s just dick carvings, but we get a lot of swastikas, too. So, I know very well what they look like—swastikas, I mean, not dicks. But I know what a penis looks like, too, obviously. And my board didn’t resemble one at all. A swastika. Not a penis.”
Incidentally, this isn’t the first time that Christianson has received a disciplinary reprimand for an on-the-job micro-aggression. After dressing up as a “kooky, kreepy and krawlin’, ghost” during the Halloween of her first year as an RA, Christianson was given a written warning and was forced to hold a program on potentially racist Halloween costumes, using her pointy-hooded ghost costume as an example.
Because RAs apparently go through extensive social justice training that helps them identify acts of discrimination, many community members have been left wondering how she let something this big slip.
No comment was available from University Housing, although an inside source did confirm that Christianson was seen carrying a poster of Mel Gibson as she
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e GAMES G Th IN K IN R PECIALS | D | BAR S ARTICLES
moved her belongings out of her room. More than anything, Christianson says that she just wants to move past the incident and begin repairing her dignity. She’s currently looking for room accommodations, because she’s no longer allowed in University Housing. Even Christianson’s friends have begun to turn their backs.
“I mean, I tried talking to my friends with the biggest apartments, you know—the ones who might have room for me to crash for a bit,” she said. “But, because they’re the biggest apartments, they’re also the most expensive, and because they’re expensive, only my Jewish friends can afford them. Obviously they’re not lining up to help me. No one is.”
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Relationship Status: I’m saying taken just so drunks don’t hit on me. Major: Anthropology and communications. Minors in biology and forensics.
BARTENDER
Favorite Drink: Vodka water lime. Favorite Shot: Mexican coffee.
ROCKSTAR
Disgusting Drink: Anything not a vodka water lime. Especially Irish breakfasts. What liquor, to you, most screams, “I’m a freshman!”?: McCormicks/ everyone who orders O-bombs in increments of less than 5.
OF THE WEEK Casey of Brothers
DRINKING GAME Saucy Skyscraper When flip cup and beer bongin’ cheap beer just doesn’t do it for you anymore, it’s time to pull out the fancy stuff. This game involves some minor engineering skills, though, so get your nerdy friends to have some fun with you for once. What You’ll Need: A die, 1 shot glass, 3 cups, bottle of tequila, case of beer, bottle of wine, some sort of whiskey or rum, Coke (or any other mixer you want), and a bunch of sturdy coasters. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: Just hope lady luck is on your side or things can turn ugly. How to Play: - Make a tower of drinks in the following order (top to bottom): shot glass of tequila, half-filled cup of a mixed drink, full cup of a mixed drink, full cup of white wine, and a can of beer. - When you stack up the drinks, put a coaster in between each layer. If this is just like, way too difficult for you to handle, you can place them in order on the table instead. (It’s not really a Saucy Skyscraper then. It’s more like a Liquor Line.) - Players take turns rolling the die. The first person to roll a 6 takes the shot of tequila. - Continue rolling until the next person gets a 6. He or she must then remove the coaster. The next person to roll a 6 drinks the half-cup mixed drink. - The game continues in this way—waiting for players to roll a 6, removing the coasters and drinking up. - While playing, always wait for the person to finish their drink before rolling the die, EXCEPT for the beer. As soon as someone rolls a 6 and is stuck drinking the beer, the rest of the players pass the die, trying to roll a 6 before the beer is gone. - If the drinker finishes the beer first, all the other players have to take a shot. If someone rolls a 6 before the beer is done, the drinker must finish the can and then take a shot as well. The Game Ends When: You finish the tower and still have enough alcohol to build another one!
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What alcoholic product would make the best perfume?: None, kush would be better. But if I had to choose, Gin for Women has a nice ring.
What do you think those guys in Chumbawamba are up to these days?: They’re honestly probably still getting knocked down...but as long as they keep getting up again… If you could change one thing about Facebook, what would it be?: My parents wouldn’t be on it. Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with?: Barack Obama, Colin Kaepernick and Jesus, but all at the same time. 2 Chainz as an alternate/ referee. You’d wear a diaper for a week if…: It would get me better questions for this interview. What’s the deal with airplane food?: What is this, an episode of Seinfeld? Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because you finally have a bartender worth reading about.
RECIPE for DISASTER Chocolate-Covered Bacon Two of the world’s greatest creations combined together can only mean one thing: a sweet and crunchy mouth orgasm. Skip the gym today, stay home in your favorite sweatpants and turn on that Law & Order: SVU marathon, baby. The only place you’re going is chocolate-covered bacon heaven. What You’ll Need: 1 pound of thick cut bacon (DON’T be cute and get turkey bacon), 12 ounces of white chocolate, 12 ounces of dark chocolate, 12 ounces of milk chocolate, 12 ounces of more chocolate just for the hell of it, and any toppings you want (sprinkles, crushed nuts, more bacon, etc.) Cook Time: 30-45 minutes Fatty Factor: You can’t have too much of a good thing. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 375 degrees and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Bake the bacon in the oven for 20 minutes until it’s nice and crispy. - Let the bacon cool for a few minutes before putting the slices on paper towels to soak up the extra grease. - Melt your chocolate on very low heat in different pots over the stove. You should probably do them one at a time because we know you’re not good at multitasking and because chocolate can burn pretty easily. - Using tongs, dip a slice of bacon into your chocolate of choice and make sure both sides are coated. Lay the dipped pieces down on a clean sheet of parchment paper. - Sprinkle the freshly-dipped bacon with your toppings—sprinkles, more crunchy bacon bits, cinnamon, crushed almonds, anything you want! Let the chocolate sit for a few minutes or put them in the refrigerator until they’re hard. Eat up!
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Survivor Ratings Falter, More Boobs Is The Answer Hugh Jass wrote this
After the Survivor: Caramoan season finale hit an all-time low of a paltry 10.16 million viewers, producers decided that they needed to do something drastic to bring the show’s waning viewership out of a tailspin. But reenergizing a program that was faltering as it approached its 30th season was not going to be a cakewalk. After running through various scenarios that included tribes composed of pro athletes, deposed politicians, and washed-up singers, producers finally settled upon a format for the 28th season. The show’s development staff unanimously decided that there needed to be more boobs on prominent display. In order to do that while appearing politically correct, they divided the tribes by the traits of “Brawn, Brains, Beauty.” Unfortunately, the season premiere of Cagayan did not fare nearly as well as CBS analysts predicted, and it left producers of the show scrambling. “We really messed up on this one. There weren’t nearly enough boobs, and the Brain tribe was just plain awful,” said producer Jeff Probst. “Everybody hates nerds, that’s why we gave them all swirlies in junior high. I don’t know what we were thinking.” Probst, along with the other producers, put together a crack focus group to confirm suspicions of where they went wrong. Unsurprisingly their fears were correct, and the focus groups demonstrated that people cared least for the Brain tribe, with reasons ranging from “They ain’t got no nice titties on ‘em” to “If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” Probst and the producers had forgotten the golden rule of reality television: intelligence has no place in it. “People who watch reality television fall into two camps,” explained Probst. “The first camp is made up of people who want to laugh at the subjects and feel more secure about their lives. Take Jersey Shore for example. They look and those idiots and say ‘I might be a slut, but hey, at least I’m not as bad as Snooki!’ The second camp of people wants to see catfights and look at boobs,” Probst adjusted his crotch, attempting to conceal his enthusiasm. “Personally, I fall into the second camp, which is partially why we went the direction that we did.”
“If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” With Survivor being filmed in the summer and broadcast months later, altering the show was going to be an issue. However, all the participants were rounded back up to re-film, except for one group. “We completely took the Brain team off the island, and replaced them with models from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition,” a wild-eyed Probst claimed. “The season is also being rebranded with the three tribes representing Brawn, Boobies, and More Boobies. We figured we’d stop pulling punches and call a spade a spade.” Probst tapped six models from the 2014 Swimsuit Edition roster. Among the newly-added contestants is Kate Upton, two-time cover girl for Sports Illustrated. “We’re thrilled that we were able to snag her. Without her we would’ve really had some problems reaching our DD-cup quota, but she gave us a lot of headroom” Probst said, grinning from ear to ear. Probst is especially excited for Hannah Davis to be joining the cast. “She’s one of my favorites. Her body is perfection, and I’m very excited to be only feet away from her in a swimsuit,” he raved, excusing himself to the bathroom. Early polls are demonstrating that the show may nearly double its viewership when the new cast makes its debut. “We’ve been toying with the idea of having a live episode and there being a ‘wardrobe malfunction.’ The money we’ll reap in viewership numbers will far outweigh whatever fine gets stamped on us. This is off the record, right?” a very sweaty Jeff Probst asked. “I didn’t even realize that show was still on television, but if there is even the slightest chance that Kate Upton’s top might fall off I’ll be watching every episode,” said Sam Dean, a recent graduate. “Hell, I sat through all of Piranha 3D because there were some topless broads in it, I can deal with Survivor.” There will also be new challenges to capitalize on the new cast. “I’m really looking forward to the kissing contests, which I’m going to be judging of course,” Probst chortled. Season 28 will also see the addition of contests like a slow motion jogging challenge as well as bikini mud wrestling. However, the original Beauty team is not happy with the addition of the swimsuit models. “I was supposed to be salivated over. I was supposed to be the one everyone was talking about. Now they bring in all these models and I’m playing second fiddle,” scowled Morgan McLeod. McLeod is not alone, as many of the other members of the Beauty squad have complained as well. “I was brought here on the grounds that I would be able to flirt my way through the entire competition. Forcing me to use my other, less developed skills is completely unfair and not what I signed up for,” stated former beauty pageant contestant and current trophy wife Kelly Demming. Upper management at CBS was initially concerned that the addition of models to the program wouldn’t be catering to the female audience enough, but a short meeting with all the castmates changed that. “The girls really got into it at our first meeting, it was wild. There was hair pulling, screaming, the whole nine yards,” said Probst with a smile. “This is starting to become The Real Housewives of Survivor, and chicks love that type of garbage.” While it has become clear that Survivor is on its last legs, producers believe they can squeeze out a dozen more seasons with the new format. “We figure that as long as people are still tuning into TLC to watch 600-pound people try to live their lives, there is a place for Survivor on the dial. Especially if the show has lots of boobs. And exciting challenges, but mostly boobs,” said Probst as he grabbed a bottle of lotion and left the room.
THE KEANU REEVES SHUFFLE Do you know what movies all of these Keanu Reeves characters are from? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
FILM BANK
1) Point Break 2) Speed 3) The Devil’s Advocate 4) The Matrix 5) The Replacements
6) 47 Ronin 7) The Day the Earth Stood Still 8) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure 9) Constantine
the crossword famous sara(h)s
ACROSS: 3) This company is famous for making baked goods and more, two words. 5) SJP played this Carrie on Sex and the City. 6) Sarah Drew plays this doctor on Grey’s Anatomy. 7) Darlene Connor of Roseanne’s real last name. 11) Sarah comedian who was married to Jimmy Kimmel. 12) Sara Quin is one-half of the duo featuring her twin sister named what? 13) Sarah Palin was governor of this state. 14) SARAH is a fictional smart house in what SyFy TV Series? 15) This famous children’s book featured Sarah, who was plain and what? 16) One of the most famous jazz singers of our time, Sarah who? 17) Sarah Ferguon is this kind of royalty of York. DOWN: 1) Sarah Michelle Gellar married this late-90s dreamboat. 2) Sara Blakely is the founder of this popular women’s undergarment company. 3) Sarah, the private college. 4) This famous Sara had the 2007 hit song “Love Song.” 8) Sarah McLachlan founded this woman-friendly music festival, two words. 9) This Florida city’s motto is “Where Urban Amenities Meet Small-Town Living.” 10) Former Playermate of the Year and host of G4’s Attack of the Show!
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