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A director that would repurpose an anthropomorphized rabbit book with pink flamingos instead.
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The Black Sheep’s
Guide to Wrapping a Gift
Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?
Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape. Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a twoby-four, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brandspankin’-new tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now,
hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people. Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it…there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…
Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.
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Purdue Listens to Students’ Complaints, Cancels Finals
The
Top
Ten
Ways to Avoid Student Loans By: black sheep staff
10.) Witness a crime: When you enter the Witness Protection Program, you have to leave behind your entire life — your family, your friends, your home, even your name. That means whenever you get a bill, especially a student loan bill, all that loan office is getting back is a “RETURN TO SENDER” stamp! Checkmate! 9.) Fake your own death: People aren’t smarter today than they were 90 years ago; they just have access to more instant knowledge. That’s only a problem if you didn’t just take on $40,000 in debt to become smarter than an idiot with an iPhone. If you can fool YouTube trolls with your murder video, Purdue loan officers will be no problem. 8.) Flee: Who’s that? A mailman? RUN, Boilermaker, run! What’s that? An email? RUN! What’s that? A credit card denial? RUN! Who’s calling? Purdue paying people? RUN! Get on that plane! Go where it’s going! Go live your Norwegian life, Norwegian guy! You belong! 7.) Save the world: Do you think Superman ever had to pay his student loans? Or Jesus the Christ? Ha! Can you even imagine loan officers trying to get Jesus to pay up? No, you can’t, because it would never happen because everyone knows Jesus gets it for free because he died for you, ungrateful scum. 6.) Hack into and destroy all computer evidence of your debt: Even if you’re majoring in public history or something else that isn’t computers, you know people that are majoring in computers and are fans of bribery. 5.) Learn the ways of the Jedi: “This is not the delinquent payer you are looking for. You do not want her money. You want only to tell her how pretty she looks in her filthy bathrobe and unemployment mustache. Go in peace.”
By: staff In a startling decision, administrators at Purdue University have decided to cancel all final examinations and term papers for the fall 2013 semester. The revised schedule is to carry on with the rest of the school year as normal but “without the whole finals thing.”This change has come about after vast quantities of complaints from the student body. Administrators noted the consensus among both students and professors is that finals “totally blow” and are a “huge waste of time.” In fact, a campus-wide poll revealed that final exams have an even lower approval rating than cancer-AIDS (the worst type of AIDS). “I don’t know why we didn’t address these complaints sooner than we did,” said University President Mitchell Daniels Jr. “Students have never liked taking final exams, and professors have never liked grading them, so what’s the point in having them?” Daniels went on to justify their decision to nix final exams. “Looking back on it, it was unreasonable of us to expect students to not only study new material but also to retain that knowledge for a matter of months, especially after all the hardcore partying they need to do on a weekly basis,” Daniels said. “Everyone knows that any information worth learning should be forgotten within a week, which is why finals are a poor indicator of one’s study habits and work ethic. It even says it in the name: FINALS—Fuck, I Never Actually Learned Shit.” Critics are attacking this radical change by calling it further evidence of the “pussification” of American higher education system. They say that canceling final exams, as well as a massive grade inflation, reflects a devaluation of college education—that without the pressure to
do well in school, students gain little real-world preparation from their college experience, and public universities become nothing more than booze-filled country clubs. Many, however, see these critics as major buzz-kills.
4.) Start a Moon colony: In your new Moon civilization, debt doesn’t exist. Neither does crime. So the idea that you can be a criminal for not repaying your debts is a strange and foreign concept to your fellow Mooninites, and one they will die viciously defending you against, just like you trained them. Also, mail comes to the Moon, like, twice a year, so there’s that.
“Hey, we all want students to learn and take school seriously, but we just don’t feel that testing them at the end of the semester is the best way to motivate them,” explained one administrator. “Having one test determine 40% of a student’s grade isn’t helpful. It’s just really stressful, and stress is never good. Stress causes heart attacks. We don’t want to give our students heart attacks; we can’t let that sit on our conscience.” More people are agreeing that finals hold no significant educational value. After all, the only real consequence from taking final exams is a lifelong recurring nightmare about being back in a lecture hall, unprepared for an important test and in your underwear. And be honest— does anyone spend their time before finals productively? Of course not. They don’t use that free time to study for final exams. They use it to post complaints on Facebook and Twitter about studying for final exams. “It is clear that finals are a waste of everyone’s time,” President Daniels concluded. “For a while, the school’s faculty was reluctant to agree, but the students begged to differ. Their overwhelmingly negative feedback to final examinations eventually became too great to ignore, because thousands of college kids can’t be wrong, can they? So we put the kibosh on finals. Why, we’re even considering getting rid of midterm exams next semester as well. It just goes to show that voicing your complaints excessively on social media can make a difference.”
3.) Go to prison: How GREAT would it be to live in a warm room rent-free with free food, where every day has recess and every night has sex? Murdering that guy that cut you off on the freeway is looking better and better, isn’t it? 2.) Be a president: Presidents are very powerful people. If you can have your Secret Service assassinate anyone you want at will, or pardon any loan officer’s father, or give the presidential seal of approval at the bar to someone worthy of that lingerie-clad cougar’s sexual advances, we’re sure you can work something out. 1.) Never, ever graduate: Ever. Never never ever. Never. Flunk a class. Switch your major. Go to grad school. Just never, never leave the wonders of academia for the cold, treacherous world of adulthood.
05
Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets Would you rather eat pee snow or let it melt and drink it with a straw? ior Steven, Sen
“Depends on whose pee it is.”
ior Lwindii, Jun
“The cup of pee-snow so I could pretend it’s a pineapple snow cone.”
r Ryan, Junio
“I’d let it melt so I could sip it like a good scotch.”
06
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Everyone Taking Snapchat Selfies hit by car at once By: Dillon McLaughlin
By Kitty Kat
Early Tuesday evening, all 8 million Snapchat users were fatally hit by a car as they all took a selfie. Tragically, there were no survivors.
“This was absolutely ridiculous,” West Lafyette Dad Bruce Bailey said about the most recent installment of the Hunger Games series. “Movie tickets are not cheap, and when I pay to see a movie, I better be seeing the whole damn thing.
Eyewitnesses report that just as the 8 million Snapchat users stepped out into the road, faces screwed up in typical Snapchat fashion, a silver 2006 Mercury Sable plowed through them, sending bodies and Chinese-made technology flying through the air. “I saw them stepping into the street, staring into their front-facing smartphone cameras, and then there was a screech,” said bystanders Phillip Jacobson. “Next thing I knew, there were a half a dozen cellphones at my feet and blood everywhere.” “There was nothing I could do,” continued Jacobson. “I tried to signal to the car that the entire user base for Snapchat was about to cross the street, but the driver must not have seen me.” In a dark twist, the victims’ faces all froze as they were at their time of death, making this the most hilarious case of rigor mortis ever and causing raucous laughter at the coroner’s office. “The untimely death of 8 million people is not something to be taken lightly,” said local coroner Angus Fleetman. “But did you see their faces? It’s a shame we have to put these in a body bag, because these are some of the funniest facial rearrangements I’ve seen in a long time, and I was at the Polaroid Party of 1976.”
Movie Fan Dad is “Pissed Off” at Ending of Catching Fire
Snapchat Inc. could not be reached for comment. “Sure it’s tragic, but really, what were they expecting?” mused Damien LaTomes, Snapchat protester and frequent Dunkin’ Donuts customer. “If people need an app for texting and walking, how can they expect Snapchatting to turn out any better?” “Is this what vindication feels like?” asked LaTomes, allowing the inhumane but admittedly relatable facet of his personality to shine through for just a moment. The car that hit the victims was allegedly driven by someone Instagramming the sunset instead of controlling their two ton careening death trap.
Bailey took his wife and two children to the Wabash Landing 9 for a family night out to see Catching Fire this past weekend but found the end of the movie completely unfulfilling. Bailey himself is not very familiar with the storyline, but his reasons to see the movie include the fact that his kids have read all the books and that “that main girl is super hot.”
same showing as Bailey giggled quietly to themselves at the man’s reaction. “We’re pretty sure he has no idea it’s a trilogy,” Bess Porter said. “Like, there’s still one more whole book to cover. It’ll wrap itself up at the end. But for now, it’s just funny to see this guy flip out. His kids look so embarrassed.” “My dad is unbelievable,” Bailey’s 10-year-old son Warner said. “We tried telling him there’s still
one more to go, but he wouldn’t have it. He just kept asking, ‘Where’s Peeta? How can this end without Peeta?’” “If this is the kind of shit my kids are watching these days, then I’ve about had it. Yessir, no more of this in my house. It’ll be 12 straight hours of The Fairly Odd Parents. At least those writers know how to wrap up a show! Jesus.”
“I mean, my adrenaline was pumping, I had a few tears in my eyes, I still had half a bucket of popcorn left … and the next thing I knew, it was over! How can you just end something like that?” Bailey asked. Other theater-goers in the
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SPECIAL NIGHT
madlib
‘twas the night
before finals ‘Twas the night before the __1__ final and all through __2__Hall, all students were __3__, while I __4__ and bawled. My TV was blaring, showing __5__ the third time through, while I stared at the screen __6__ truckloads of food. “I should study __7__”, I said __8__ to myself as the clock ticked to __9__, and I began to fear death. “But I can squeeze in a game of __10__, so I can do that as well, before going to __11__ and being put in a cell.” Suddenly it is morning and I awake from my slumber, as I glance at the clock to see a terrible number. “ __12__! Fuck!” I screeched all allowed as I cleaned off of my face of __13__ and puppy chow. It was __14__a.m. and I was still watching TV, with _15__ minutes to go before I should be in my seat. As I grabbed my __16__ and my _17__ I needed for my exam, I rushed out of the house with breakfast in my hand. I hopped on the _18__Loop to head to __19__ by Hicks, as students stared down from the sight of my __20__. I’d forgotten my pants but that did not matter, for I was only blocks away from reaching __21__ in a tatter. I __22__ the doors of Room 121 and I realized that sadly, they had already begun. “__23__!” I yelled as I sprung from my bed to life. ‘Twas but a __24__ nightmare, and I could still study away the night.
1) Worst Subject 2) Residence Hall 3) Verb, -ing 4) Verb (past tense) 5) Christmas Movie 6) Verb, -ing 7) Same Worst Subject as 1 8) Adjective 9) Number 10) Game 11) Campus Library 12) Swear Word
13) Food 14) Number 15) Number 16) Noun 17) Noun 18) Color 19) Campus Building 20) Body Part 21) Campus Building from 19 22) Verb (past tense) 23) Swear Word 24) Adjective
With Technology!
Old Christmas Movies, Revisited
A Christmas Story The Evils of Technology Make… “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” becomes: “I want the X-Box One Day One Edition with Kinect, an extra controller, and a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts!” And the Movie Flips: After Ralphie unwraps the gift his father so sneakily hid in the corner behind the tree he hustles over to his 50-inch flatscreen to hook up this modern technological marvel. After entering his info (and his parents’ credit card number) he anxiously slides the Call of Duty disc into the slot. The game whirrs and whirrs until finally a message appears on the screen: “Drive Cannot Read Disc.” In a fit of prepubescent rage, Ralphie clocks the flatscreen as hard as he can, splintering the thin film of glass and smashing a hole into the family’s sole source of happiness. Scared to death by a report on glass poisoning they saw on the news a week prior, his parents rush him to the hospital for a Christmas Day evaluation. Under his breath Ralphie mutters something about this being his parents’ fault, and a few quick calls later two DCFS representatives are at the hospital with some unwanted Christmas inquiries.
We’re not much for nostalgia, especially around the holidays. If we were six years old and Santa gifted us a plain wooden horse with tin wheels, we’d be so far down the Naughty List the next year, you’d think we’d have murdered our parents. And we did, we definitely did, because even at six we knew Santa was fake and, and that is not the PlayStation 4 we “asked” for. Yeah, so what? We like modern technology. What would happen if we forced this tech into old Christmas movies?
It’s a Wonderful Life The Evils of Technology Make… A tale about the redemption of a suicidal man who has given up on his dreams to help others becomes: Two guys on a cell phone chatting for two hours. And the Movie Flips: George Bailey sits alone in his underwear in his dark studio apartment watching a Christmas Eve Chopped marathon, empty 40s strewn around him. Bored and in need of attention, he fires up his cell phone and rips off a text message to his only friend, Clarence Odbody. “Gonna end it all tonight,” it reads. A minute later his phone vibrates, it’s Clarence, and he wants to talk. “Hah, there’s no heaven, you fuckin’ rube,” George the atheist tells Clarence, who insists that committing suicide with preclude George from getting into Heaven. They keep talking; Clarence citing examples of the good George’s service work has done for the community. George is only half paying attention because the contestants on Chopped have to work with a canned chicken, sweetbreads, honey sticks and Greek yogurt, and he has no idea what they’ll do with that. During commercial break, Clarence still on the phone, George walks over to the medicine cabinet and chases a handful of antidepressants with what’s left of his olde English 800, dozing off moments later to Clarence begging the phone, “Hello? Hello? George, you there?”
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer The Evils of Technology Make… The Island of Misfit Toys becomes: The Island of Outdated Gadgets. And the Movie Flips: As Rudolph and company run away from the Abominable Snow Monster, the FAA calls them out on deviating from their assigned flight path, forcing them to land on a nigh-inhabited island known the Island of Outdated Gadgets. Stranded on the island overnight, the crew seeks out a place that’ll be open on Christmas Eve. Walking into a restaurant, Rudolph sees booths heavy with first generation iPads, Nooks, and Kindles that don’t have color screens. They turn and stare at Rudolph, recognizing him immediately. A liaison approaches the Christmas cadre begging, “Mr. Reindeer, please, please take us away from this horrible place to a magical land where we’re wanted!” After a quick powwow with Santa, Rudolph returns with an offer, “We can swing by and get you guys tomorrow, we’re way behind, and those kids in sub-Saharan Africa can’t even afford calendars, so they won’t know if we’re a little late. Can’t promise you they won’t use you as rock picks or something, though.” The Outdated G a d g e t s cheer with joy, as their Christmas is saved.
Are You Smarter
than?
1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.
6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”
2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?
7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.
3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated? 4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve? 5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?
8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971. 9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state. 10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?
Calynn’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Germany 2) 8 3) No Idea 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) Rose Bowl Stadium 6) Elmo 7) Cigarettes 8) No Idea 9) Colorado 10) Frost the Snowman
1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman
Calynn, our editor
Calynn’s Score: 4 out of 10
Kwanzaa Kwiz True or false Kwestion 1: True or False: Kwanzaa is celebrated from December 26th to January 1st.
Kwestion 4: True or False: Kwanzaa adopts much of its structure from Hanukkah.
Kwestion 2: True or False: The word “Kwanzaa” is derived from matunda ya kwanza, a Sotho phrase meaning, “first fruits of the harvest.”
Kwestion 5: True or False: Approximately 3.1% of Americans celebrate Kwanzaa each year.
Kwestion 3: True or False: The “pan-African colors” widely used during Kwanzaa are green, black and red.
answers:
Kwestion 6: True or False: Kwanzaa’s karamu feast is mentioned in Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long.”
1) True 2) False, the language is Swahili 3) True 4) F, it is adopted from Umkhosi in Zululand 5) F, 1.6% do 6) True 7) C 8) B 9) A 10) C
Multiple choice Kwestion 7: Which one of these items is not considered a Kwanzaa symbol: a) A Mkeka, a decorative mat b) Muhindi, corn c) Watubi, a small statue of a person d) Zawadi, gifts
Kwestion 9: During Kwanzaa the pouring of libations to honor ancestors is performed by… a) An elder b) The oldest male child c) The mother d) This does not happen
Kwestion 8: The Kinara, the Kwanzaa candle holder, traditionally hosts how many candles? a) 5 b) 7 c) 9 d) 6
Kwestion 10: Named The Black Candle, a 2009 documentary on Kwanzaa is narrated by who? a) Cornel West b) Barack Obama c) Maya Angelou d) Oprah Winfrey
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Hanukkah Seek and Find
guess the movie santa!
each box features a different santa claus from various holiday movies. do you know which movie each santa comes from?
FINALS BINGO!
let us guess... you’re sitting in the library and can’t focus, right? well don’t scroll through facebook for the 10th time, play our library bingo! stay where you are, or take a loop around your floor, and see how many of these things you can find.
recipe for disaster You’ve already taken your final, and everything is up to the whims and wants of your crotchety old professor. You have no faith in yourself and thoroughly believe no matter how well you did on the test, nothing can save you from the dreaded F-. The least you could hope for is to put your smiling face in good favor with the professor as he grades your test, and you can do that by making a nice, fresh batch of cookies. And if he says no, well, we’ve got you covered so you can go out with a blow. A colon-blow.
golden brown. Let stand on cookie sheet two minutes before removing to cool on wire racks.
What You’ll Need: Cookies: 1 ½ cup flour, 1 tsp baking soda, ½ tsp baking powder, 1 cup butter, 1 ½ cups sugar, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla extract, an oven, and a lawyer might come in handy as well.
The Grand Finale: - Walk into your professor’s office wearing something slutty, regardless of your sexual identity. - Tell him you studied really hard for your exam, but aren’t confident the grade will reflect your work over the semester, and ask if there’s anything you can do to sweeten the deal. - Show him your cookies, both the sugar and your buttcheeks/ boobies.
Frosting: 16 oz cream cheese, ½ cup butter, 2 cups sugar, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 1… no, better make it 4 tablespoons of ex-lax. Fatty Factor: You might end up in jail or you might end up with a better grade. Either way leads to three hots and a cot, so it’s a win-win in our book. Let’s Get Baked: Cookies: - Preheat oven to 375 degrees. - In a small bowl, stir together flour, baking soda and baking powder. - In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla while also blending in the dry ingredients. Roll rounded teaspoons of dough into balls, and place onto ungreased cookie sheets. - Call lawyer, ask if you can “buy some retainers, because you might do something bad soon” then hang up. - Bake cookies 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until
Frosting: - Mix all the cream cheese, butter, sugar, and vanilla into big bowl. - Pour in the ex-lax while quoting Dumb & Dumber. - Do not put the frosting on the cookies yet.
If he says “Yes, it is university policy that I increase the score of any student who brings me cookies. Thank you!” - Say thank you, walk away, and throw away/burn any evidence of your ex-lax laced frosting. - Rejoice, because this is probably the first time this has ever actually worked! If he says he “can’t be bought,” “would get fired,” or is “allergic to gluten”… - Tell him that’s too bad, but you’ll leave your cookies anyway in case he gets peckish. - But first, say you need to add the hand-made, creamy, frosting to each cookie. - Turn your cookies away from him while looking over your shoulder to add the frosting (try to keep smiling, so he knows
Easy-Add Laxative Cookies this is completely innocent and in no way are you adding poison to his cookies.) - Lather each cookie up with the ex-lax laced cream cheese frosting and hand them back to him. - Without winking, tell him you hope these cookies “might change his mind” and “don’t give him. bouts of diarrhea so bad he’ll wonder if his insides have turned into liquid fire-y goo.” - Run out of his office, and start looking for flights to another country. Sometimes when you can’t get what you want, you need to poison your way there. Maybe he’ll give them to his stupid, shit-eating children who’ll in turn shit all over his shitty house, then he’ll think twice about not giving the students who make him cookies a better grade.
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