Volume 4
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
FRE bro E! Like ken te bra ars o cke ver ts.. .
Issue 5
7 REASONS WHY JUNIOR YEAR IS ACTUALLY THE WORST Katy Martin wrote this
Everyone has his or her own opinion about college, but the consensus is it’s the best four years of your life. Well, best three years—one of those years actually sucks. You’d think your first year as an upperclassmen would be awesome, but here are some reasons why junior year is actually the worst. You’re the first of your friends to turn 21: You’ve been looking forward to doing the amazing bar crawl that you’ve heard so much about. You can’t wait to do after school club at Brother’s, conquer the Great Indoorsman at Harry’s, and dance your ass off at the Neon Cactus. But unfortunately, none of your friends are 21 yet, which means you’ll be the designated booze buyer for everyone. Or… You’re the last of your friends to turn 21: All of your friends and classmates are going on and on about how great Cactus Thursdays are, and are making plans for the weekend that all require being of age. You’ll be 21 soon enough (at least, that’s what you keep telling yourself to get over being the baby). Your friends are going to get tired of frat parties, even if the booze is free. You’re getting tired of school: All of the hard work, zero of the motivation. By your junior year, a lot of your classes are very relevant to what you want to do with the rest of your life (if you’re lucky enough to know what you want to do). But you’ve been in school for the past 15 years of your life, isn’t it over yet? And unfortunately, your GPA still matters this year. People are so caught up in their schoolwork that finding a table in Hicks is near impossible. People are finally treating you like an adult, and you’re starting to hate it: People keep asking you the same questions: “What do you plan on doing when you graduate?”, “Do you have an internship lined up for this summer?”, “Are you seeing anyone serious?” Meanwhile, you’re still hoping that your mom has filed all the paperwork for your FAFSA and done your taxes. You have more responsibilities than you know how to deal with: Cable bills, rent, book expenses, job searches, networking, cook-
PAGE 5 TOP 10: REASONS TO BE A LOUD AND PROUD BOILERMAKER DEN POPS, FRIENDS. DEN POPS.
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ing, cleaning, blah, blah, blah. Whatever happened to being able to take a nap after lunch? Now you have to fill that time with work. Oh, and the money you were supposed to use for rent you instead used on $1 double-wells at Brother’s. The real world is approaching at a scary-fast rate: You can’t believe you’re going to graduate after next year! Where will you live? How will you get a job? Will you have to move back to Noblesville? How many classes would you have to fail in order to get to stay at college another year? You only have one year of college left: Holy shit, it’s the end of your junior year. You’re a senior now—
your college career is nearing its end. And you’ll spend all of your senior year reminiscing with your friends about that time freshman year your friend fell asleep at Beering Fountain walking back from a frat party. Or when your other friend threw up peach schnapps on strangers at your very first college party (we weren’t allowed back to that house). College has been a hell of a ride, but luckily you’re not getting off it just yet. Plus, your junior year will FLY by and before you know it, you and all your friends will be sipping on Baltimore Zoos during syllabooze week of your senior year.
PAGE 5
PAGES 12-13
HOW TO GET BACK ON TRACK
THE 9 GREATEST COMEBACKS IN THE HISTORY OF EARTH
STILL RECOVERING FROM SPRING BREAK? WE CAN HELP.
MARCH 25TH, 2015 - APRIL 8TH, 2015
WITH MARCH MADNESS IN FULL SWING AND EASTER AROUND THE CORNER, LET’S TALK ABOUT COMEBACKS!
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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY
WORD OF THE WEEK
80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?
INSEXTURED SERVANT A person who, after screwing up a relationship, is kept around for sex to make up for it.
JAMES KICKSTAND
After cheating on me with that slut Kara, I made him my insextured servant. He owes me so many orgasms he’ll never get out of it.
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“American Things” Are We Sure These Things Should Be Things? Staff wrote this
What are American Things? If you asked any regular American Joe the Plumber, he might answer you with things like bald eagles, freedom, and George Washington. However, there is another brand of American Things that we, as True Blue Americans, are all aware of, yet might not be entirely sure of. These are the Things that make us think, “What is this? Why is this? How is this?” These are the commonplace American Things that don’t make a lot of sense, yet somehow feel indescribably right.
is for decoration or impractical food storage. The intentionally transparent container, along with its unbreakable seal, suggests that this pasta is never fated to be eaten. Studies show that America spends an amount of money every year to provide food and relief to countries that are suffering from food shortages. This pasta doesn’t seem to care.
Using American-made “Let Freedom Ring” scented Yankee Candles as a unit of measurement; we will rank some of these American Things on their degree of “why is this?” Decorative Soap: This is certainly a Thing that makes little to no sense. It finds the very reason that soap was created and then takes it away. Is there a practical use for this object? Is it merely for looking at with silent appreciation? Many Americans have found themselves in an unfamiliar bathroom, anxiously questioning whether or not they are allowed to touch this soap. We can only assume that the advent of this soap came about as part of a campaign to promote germs and disease.
Febreze: Febreze makes places smell good. TV shows us that these places include sinister basements, subway stations populated by neglected dogs, and a teenage boy’s bedroom. However, there is a lesser known yet more effective alternative that threatens the very existence of Febreze, and that is actual cleaning. Why is it preferable to thinly mask an odor that clearly indicates that something is unsanitary, rather than to address the problem directly? Isn’t confrontation the American way? Has this product taken away from the traditional value of American aggression? This Thing also has several scents revolving around a citrus theme, which is just gross. Nobody wants their already unsanitary home to smell like an orange.
Score:
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Frozen Yogurt: Is there a reason that this isn’t ice cream? Frozen yogurt provides yet another talking point for mothers who don’t allow their children to eat out of plastic containers. This Thing pretends that it’s innovative through its use of extensive toppings, as if ice cream cannot also handle bits of old fruit and tiny M&Ms. Frozen yogurt finds itself on par with products that capitalize on pretending to be healthy such as Diet Coke and quinoa. The existence of frozen yogurt provides evidence towards the enduring strength of capitalism in America.
The Magic Bullet Smoothie Maker: This object might seem like it makes a lot of sense. Further consideration about why the Magic Bullet exists will leave one questioning why they themselves exist. This object takes foods and turns them into one collective liquid. Why? What is wrong with eating these foods by themselves as solids, as God intended them to be eaten? The foods are just as healthy when they’re solids. Eating foods one at a time instead of in one garbled heap has never presented a problem in the eons that humans have been eating things on this Earth. The true purpose of the Magic Bullet is to make already-icky healthy foods even ickier.
Score: Impenetrable Glass Containers of Tri-Color Pasta: It is unclear whether this confusing Thing
Score:
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THE TOP TEN
Reasons to be a Loud and Proud Boilermaker Why Purdue? Every student who attends Purdue has been asked this once in his or her life. But what makes Purdue, Purdue? Here are 10 reasons why being a Boilermaker is the only way to go.
HOW TO GET BACK ON TRACK AFTER A WEEK LIKE THAT Alex Finn wrote this
Well, after a week like you just experienced you’re probably sitting there wondering, “What in the actual hell am I supposed to be doing with my life?“ It’s college spring break, so it’s fair to suppose that you got a little too intoxicated for seven days straight, but somehow managed to make it back to West Lafayette in one piece. Uh, with the exception of a few broken limbs and nasty bruises. Chances are, you witnessed numerous people fall on the beach, stumble in the street, or maybe even bust their ass trying to get up the stairs to their condo. But, there’s still school left, grades to be had. What do you do now? To start getting your shitshow of a life back on track, sober up. Get a good meal, anything but fast food. Just, eat a salad or something. Avoid ranch. Definitely hit the Co-Rec. Your body hates you from the recent hell you just put it through. Deny it all you want, but everybody knows the healthiest thing you ate in the past week was smothered and covered hash browns from a seedy Waffle House. The next step to a full-fledged recovery is attendance. Make it to every class (for the next, oh, two weeks) and actually try to comprehend the new material. Maybe the teacher will even think you had a productive break filled with studying and homework. This is incorrect. Also, attendance is easy points. Whether it’s just showing up for points or iClicker participation, it’s easy; all you have to do is click a button. Even you can’t be that lazy. Next, get some sleep. After the week you just had, beauty sleep turns into a necessity. Yeah yeah, it’s tempting to go out until the sun rises, but honey, nobody is going to want to look at you with those enormous bags under your eyes. Sleep and schoolwork need to be your number one priorities for the immediate future. They sort of should be anyway, but c’mon, let’s be realistic. Treating yourself to a massage would also help you get back into the swing of things. Massages affect the entire body, so it’ll get you back into ship-shape in no time. After spending all that money over break, you aren’t interested in spending more for a silly massage, but that’s what the cutie you’ve been eyeing in Kinesiology 10100 class is for. Finally, don’t forget to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. It’s in your best interest to avoid the party scene for several days, and water is basically Keystone Light anyway. A lot of liquids will get the blood pumping and make you feel so much more awake. It pretty much sucks going back to reality, but the rest of the semester is going to cruise by. If you work on your stuff now, and stay on top of it finals will be that much easier. Go to tutoring sessions or office hours. At what point in a person’s life should they have their ‘ish together you may ask? Definitely some point AFTER spring break, that’s for sure.
10.) Purdue Pete: Whether or not you attend Purdue, you know who Purdue Pete is. Purdue Pete is an iconic mascot in not only the Big Ten, but nationwide. Even though Purdue Pete is creepy, what with his unflinching plastic stare, he never fails to make his appearance at Purdue athletics and get Boilermakers game day ready. 9.) Diversity: Purdue is like a melting pot for students all over the world. It’s like getting a lesson in world culture everywhere you go. We all decided to migrate to West Lafayette, Indiana. And if you’ve ever seen West Lafayette, Indiana, well, there’s not much to see, unless you’re a Boilermaker. 8.) IU Rivalry: Who doesn’t love a good rivalry? Being a Boilermaker, you pretty much sign a contract to bash Indiana University any chance you get. It’s great randomly chanting “IU SUCKS” at basketball and football games, even if we’re not playing IU. When IU basketball does come to town, there isn’t a soul on this campus who isn’t tuning in to watch IU lose. 7.) Grand Prix: Grand Prix is one of the biggest and oldest events at Purdue. Residence halls, co-op houses, and Greek houses all get together on the race track to see who the winner will be. This weeklong event takes place in April and the atmosphere on campus is absolute madness. 6.) Slayter Hill Sledding: Everyone can tell you that Purdue during winter isn’t one of the greatest things in the world or anything, but it does have its upsides. During a snowy day you can grab a group of your friends and head over to Slayter Hill for some sledding. Make sure someone has a camera for when someone slips, falls and tumble down the hill, because it will happen. 5.) Greek Life: Purdue has the biggest Greek life in the Big Ten, and it’s the best. Greek chapters not only do well for Purdue’s campus hosting philanthropic events and raising awareness and money for charities. Plus, there’s beer and stuff on the weekends. 4.) Drew Brees and Neil Armstrong: Unless you’re a Boilermaker, you can’t say you went to the same place as one of the NFL’s best quarterbacks AND the first man to walk on the moon. Having that kind of reputation gets you noticed and gives you something to gloat about to your friends in other schools. Who ever went to IU? 3.) Triple XXX: You feel sorry for all of your friends who haven’t been to Purdue, because they’ll never experience the deliciousness of a Triple XXX burger. You can’t make up how good these burgers are, if they don’t believe you just have them ask Guy Fieri from Diners, Drive-In’s and Dives, he’ll tell you. 2.) Fountain Runs: Another Purdue tradition is fountain runs! During BGR week as a freshman you’ll experience your first fountain run, and there is nothing better than walking around campus on a hot day and running through the massive Engineering Fountain. 1.) Den Pops: Finally, Den Pops. When you’re dying of thirst you head over to the Discount Den and make yourself a Den Pop. What is a Den Pop? A bunch of different pop combined into one amazing drink. Make your own creation or just look up at the tons of hilarious named recipes on the wall. Ah, the genius of Boilermakers.
Maddie Beyrouty wrote this
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ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE MOST GLUTTONOUS DRUNK FOOD ORDER YOU’VE EVER MADE? CAITLIN M.
“$60 dollars at Taco Bell for 4 people.”
DANIELLE D.
“2 breakfast sandwiches, 2 hashbrowns, and a cheeseburger.”
EVA K.
“A chocolate Frappuccino with 2 shots of raspberry syrup.”
06
Your Degree Shouldn’t Cost As Much As Your Housing!
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Bar Open Late Every Night! Catering Now Available! DAILY FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS: CHECK THE BAR GRID!
EXICAN GRILL & BAR
$5 Double Wells WINGS & BEER 2P-9P $13 Boneless Wings & 60oz Bud Lite or Coors Light Tower
Everyday: $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
TUESDAY: 5 for $15 Blue Moon and Red Stripe Buckets $13 Sangria Pitcher $3.75 Well Drinks
TUESDAY! Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart
$1.50 Double Well Mixers $1 Sharkbite Shots $1 Wounded Turtle Shots $2.50 Domestic Drafts $2.50 Fireball Shots & Long Islands
$10.99 Steak Night! $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $15 312 and Sam Adams Buckets $13 Margaritas and Mojito Pitchers $2.50 Well Tequila Shots $5 Long Islands
Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts $2.25 Domestic Bottles, $4.25 Fishbowls, Well Drinks
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$5 Double Wells, $3.50 Well Shots $4 Bombs, $14 Well Pitchers 5 for $12 Miller Lite and Coors Light 5 for $17 Heineken Buckets
$3.75 Captain Morgan, $3.25 Miller/Coors 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Blue Moon 24oz Drafts $3 Bazooka Joe & Cherry Bombs, Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts!
SAT.
$5 Double Specialty Drinks made with Premium Bacardi SWAMP WATER • SOUTH BEACH • CHERRY LEMONADE $5 Double Wells
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$5 Long Islands, $3.50 Well Shots $4 Bombs, $14 Well Pitchers 5 for $12 Miller Lite and Coors Light 5 for $17 Corona Buckets
Brex Club! $4.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Bud, Bud Light and Rolling Rock 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Goose Island 312 24oz Drafts, $3 Jager Bombs | Breakfast Club Specials: $2.25 Screwdrivers and Bloody Marys, $3 Fireball Breakfast Shots
SUN.
$2 Double Wells $3 U-Call-It Shots $5 Double U-Call-It Mixers $5 14oz Three Olives L.I.T.’S
$10.99 Steak Night! $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$4.25 Double Well Drinks, Margaritas, and Mojitos
MON.
FRI: $5 Dbl Three Olives Vodka Drinks
50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $1 Double Wells $1.25 18oz Bud Light Bottles* $3 U Call It Shots $5 14oz Three Olives L.I.T.’S
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $10 Bud Light, Miller Light, and Coors Light
TUES.
THURS. SPECIAL NIGHT
BAR GRID
$2 Double Wells $2 Any Draft $2 Hot Shot of the Day $5 14oz Three Olives L.I.T.’S
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $15 Blue Moon and Red Stripe Buckets $13 Sangria Pitcher $3.75 Well Drinks
Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $15 Angry Orchard and Sierra Nevada Buckets $4.50 Daiquiris & Pina Coladas $14 Well Pitchers.
Team Trivia at 9:30pm $2.25 Wells, $1.50 Retro Miller Lite Bottles
ORANGE KRUSH • GRAPE APE • BLUE LEMON DROP
WED.
FRI.
$5 Double Three Olives Vodka Drinks ORANGE KRUSH • GRAPE APE • BLUE LEMON DROP
$5 Double Wells WINGS & BEER 2P-9P $13 Boneless Wings & 60oz Bud Lite or Coors Light Tower
Wing Night (Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ)
25¢ Wings 9pm ‘til gone $1.25 Miller High Life bottles $1.50 Hot Shot of the Day $5 14oz Three Olives L.I.T.’S
5 for $12 Miller Light, Bud Light, and Coors Light $4.25 Double Well Drinks
$15 Domestic Pitcher & Pie, $6.50 Domestic Pitchers, $2.25 Wells, $3 Fireball $1.50 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $2 Coronas, $3 Jager Bomb Cups, $15 Domestic Pitcher + Pie, $4 220z Well Drinks, $5 Red Bull Mixers
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THREE DOLLAR THREE OLIVES THURSDAY $1 Coors, $2 Wells and $3 Three Olives $3.75 Long Islands
$3.99 Cactus Margaritas
THURS.
$2 Bud/Bud Light Drafts, $15 100oz beer tubes, $12 Bud/Bud Light buckets, $3 Titos, $4 Jacks and $4 Bacardi Bruce in Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJs main room
$3.99 32oz Domestic Drafts
FRI.
$3.50 Smirnoff and Captain Morgan, $4 Jacks, $12 Buckets Miller/ Coors, $15 100oz Beer Tube of Miller/Coors Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room
$3.99 32oz Domestic Drafts
SAT.
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$15.99 House Margarita Pitchers
SUN
Margarita Monday! $2.99 12oz Margaritas
MON.
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$1.99 16oz Domestic Drafts
TUES.
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BARTENDER OF THE WEEK
LAINE AT HARRY’S
Relationship Status: No Major: None Favorite Drink: Bourbon Favorite Shot: Bourbon Disgusting Drink: Grasshopper Which bar-related TV trope is least accurate in a college bar?: People don’t ever pay cash. Which bar-related TV trope is most accurate in a college bar?: “Woo” girls suck bad. Give us an acrostic about March: Maya Angelou Really Can Hump
What sound effect do you want to employ in everyday life?: A whoopie cushion sound effect. Which one of your personal belongings do you secretly hope is a Transformer?: My wife. Make a blanket statement you won’t regret in 10 years: Marvin sucks. What’s the most flammable thing in here?: Bacardi 151 How do you know that?: Experience Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Cuz they shouldn’t read The Exponent.
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
BEER BOWLING
EASTER COOKIES, EASTER-STYLE
After barely surviving winter, it looks like sun—and the accompanying fun—are here to stay. Get outside and inhale deeply the fresh air. Inhale a 12-pack of the beer of your choice while you’re at it, too.
Jesus didn’t die for your sins (even you, Jews!) for you to celebrate Easter in your apartment sad and alone. So, eliminate the “alone” party by hopping to the store for some ingredients for Easter cookies.
What You’ll Need: Many empty beer cans of the same brand, some full beers of the same brand as the empties. A smallish, heavy ball, like a croquet ball or a bocce ball. Number of Players: Any even number under 10, split into 2 teams. Level of Intoxication: You and Homer Simpson would be pin pals.
What You’ll Need: Half a stick of butter, melted, ½ cup white sugar 1 ¼ cup flour, ¼ cup corn starch, 2 eggs, pinch of salt, 3 tbsp milk, dash of vanilla. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Your stomach egg will be full of sugary goodness.
How to Play: -Mark a lane. A lane should be at least 20 feet long and 2-3 feet wide. -On one end of the lane, have a member of the non-bowling team set up 10 cans in standard bowling fashion. 9 of these cans should be empties. One can should be unopened and full. -The player setting up the pins may place the unopened can anywhere among the 10 pins he likes. -Once set up, one player on the other team rolls. As in standard bowling, he gets 2 rolls. -If, in either attempt, that player knocks over the full beer, a member of the other team must drink that beer before he or she can roll. -If a player rolls a strike, the other team must drink a beer, and this player immediately gets another turn. -After two rolls, unless a strike is rolled, the teams switch roles.
Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. -Line a baking sheet with parchment paper…if you want. -Combine the flour, sugar, butter and salt in a big ol’ bowl until uniform. -Beat in corn starch, vanilla and milk. -Beat in 2 eggs. -Now you should have a semi-crumbly dough to work with. Press into balls 1 inch across. This recipe should make about a dozen cookies. -Flatten balls with hands and place on baking sheet. Laugh and laugh about all the “balls” talk. -Place in oven for 12-14 minutes. -Remove and let cook.
The Game Ends When: Drunken people start throwing the ball, then Dave gets hit and has to go to the hospital. Laugh at Dave’s misfortune, everyone.
Yeah, take that Satan. Where are your stupid cookies? Probably in Hell or something.
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The 9 Greatest Comebacks
in the History of Earth wrote this Dan Collins
With the NCAA Tournament in full swing and Easter right around the corner, it is truly the time of year for comebacks. Whether they’re stories of late-game heroics in basketball, or a man literally coming back from the dead, the spirit of the underdog is in the air. With that in mind, here are the nine greatest comebacks in the history of Earth:
9.) Will Ferrell: Whether he’s been fired for telling his home city to go fuck themselves or he’s been horrifically fake paralyzed, Will Ferrell is constantly finding himself a massive underdog. Fortunately, due to his persistence, willingness to do anything (such as fight a pack of bears), and predictable structure of his movies, Will Ferrell always comes out on top, or at least fourth place if that’s the goal he set for himself. In the world of acting, there is no better comeback artist than Ferrell, an old, overweight, unattractive man who has, against all odds, become one of the most recognizable leading men in Hollywood. 8.) Rasputin: Rasputin was an ugly, dirty, Russian peasant who worked as a “healer.” However implausibly, he became extremely influential to the Russian Royal Family and was allegedly sleeping with the Tsar’s wife. Partially because of that, and partially because his bad advice helped escalate Russia towards civil war, many important Russians wanted him dead. Unfortunately, Rasputin simply refused to die. After an attempt to assassinate him via stabbing failed despite the doctor taking ten hours to reach Rasputin and operate on him, steps were taken to ensure Rasputin would die. After inviting Rasputin to a dinner party, he was given a lethal dose of cyanide and “fatally” shot in the chest. However, several minutes later, the guests at the party heard a noise that turned out to be Rasputin walking out of the house. He was then “fatally” shot in the stomach and brought back inside. Ten minutes later, Rasputin suddenly jerked, and was then “fatally” shot again, this time in the face. They disposed of his body by throwing him off of a bridge and into a river. According to his autopsy a few days later, Rasputin suffered a fatal blow to the head and had no oxygen in his lungs, meaning he may not have died until he drowned in the river. 7.) Big Cellphones: In the 80s and early 90s, when cellphones were just coming into existence, big phones were all the rage, mostly because that’s the only kind that existed. But, as technology evolved, phones got smaller and big cellphones became extremely uncool. Seriously, watch any movie where the characters have those huge 80s phones. They look absolutely ridiculous. By the mid-2000s, tiny phones like the Razr and the Edge were the coolest phones you could have. But, fast forward 10 years later and the big cellphone is back. Have you seen the iPhone 6 Plus? It’s big enough to look reasonable in Andre the Giant’s hands. Plus, let’s stop pretending that tablets are anything besides enormous cell phones, because that’s exactly what they are. 6.) Marijuana: In colonial times, America was as high on marijuana as any place in the world. In fact, the Declaration of Independence is printed on hemp paper, which is about as American as it gets. Unfortunately, over time, it fell out of favor for a multitude of dumb reasons that potheads incessantly bring up. By the 20th century, only people looked at as degenerates by society could be seen smoking jazz cigarettes. There were even those hilarious reefer madness videos being shown in earnest. Then, the 60s happened and all of a sudden pot was back in America in full force. With legalization of marijuana happening all over the country, it’s safe to say that marijuana is here to stay.
5.) Napoleon: Known better in present times for being short and the complex associated with him, Napoleon Bonaparte was once the most powerful man in Europe. By 1812, Napoleon’s France controlled nearly all of Europe. However, after a couple big defeats, Napoleon found himself exiled from France to the tiny island of Elba in 1814 with the Bourbons back in his throne. Not fazed by what seemed like insurmountable defeat, Napoleon escaped from exile and took control of the French government within a year in what had to be the laziest exile in the history of war. Unfortunately, his ensuing campaign to regain Europe failed and he was again exiled, this time permanently. 4.) America in the Space Race: After the USSR successfully launched Sputnik into orbit in 1957, confidence in American exceptionalism was at an all-time low. If we couldn’t get a satellite into space faster than a group of glorified Eskimo alcoholics, how great could we be? It turns out, very, as America responded by landing a man on the moon by 1969. To add insult to injury, we even beat them in hockey in 1980, going on to win Olympic Gold, thereby proving America is better than the USSR at everything, even things they love, but we hardly care about. 3.) Space Jam: The Monstars were very possibly the most talented basketball team ever assembled. After stealing the talent from some of the NBA’s best players, and Shawn Bradley, in addition to never abiding by any of the actual rules of basketball, they looked to be just about unbeatable at halftime, when they led 66-18. Somehow, the rag-tag crew of Loony Tunes and a minor league baseball player went on an unheard of 48-2 run early in the second half thanks to some creative schemes, plenty of Michael Jordan brilliance, and, more importantly, Mike’s Secret Stuff, leaving them down only 2 late in the fourth quarter. It took an implausible appearance by Bill Murray and some physics shattering elasti-arms by Michael Jordan for a win in what has to be the greatest comeback in the history of sports. 2.) Jesus: Somehow not topping the list, even this close to Easter, Jesus suffered several falls from grace, only to go out and redeem himself each time. Less than a week after being paraded in the streets by hordes of adoring fans with palms, Jesus was put on trial for ambiguous charges and sentenced to death by crucifixion despite doing nothing in that week to justify this massive dip in popularity. Despite only needing to be better liked than a murderer, somehow Jesus was found guilty and crucified. Jesus, not to be outdone, spent part of three days dead in a tomb, only to inexplicably resurrect on Easter Sunday, in what has to be the greatest magic trick ever. That or a miracle, whichever you prefer. 1.) Dinosaurs: Roughly 65 million years ago, or a few thousand if you are a creationist, dinosaurs roamed the world we now inhabit. However, due to a meteor or whatever actually killed all the dinosaurs, dinosaurs were never to return to this earth. That is, until they were discovered once again only 22 years ago by the scientists at Jurassic Park. While Jesus’ resurrection after three days is extremely impressive, the dinosaurs have him beat by approximately 64.999999 million years in terms of length before resurrecting, and that’s why they’re the obvious choice for #1 on this list.
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