Volume 3
The Black Sheep
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Issue 5
TEN COSTUMES TO MAKE
PURDUE PETE LESS CREEPY Josh wrote this The Black Sheep loves Halloween. C’mon, we’re talking about Reese’s eating contests that end in at least one staff member developing diabetes (sorry about the foot, Paul). But, there is one amongst us who doesn’t love Halloween: Purdue Pete. It’s not that Purdue Pete is opposed to costumes per se, it’s more that Pete realizes the anthropomorphic horror he already is. As much as we love Purdue Pete, we have to agree he is an ungodly freak show with those sunken, dead eyes staring into the abyss. In an effort to help Purdue Pete enjoy Halloween, The Black Sheep has come up with ten costume ideas to make Purdue Pete less creepy. 10.) An Ohio State Buckeye: We’re not sure what a Buckeye is, it’s some kind of nut right? Anyways that mascot looks as happy as a pig in shit like, all the time, whereas Pete looks crazy as a mentally incapacitated serial killer. Going out as a Buckeye would allow Pete the chance for some human interaction.
it was baffling. Sporting a physique that suggests he just got through a bout of chemo, 1950s Pete would get some sympathy shots. 7.) Snoop Dogg: Everyone “loves” an exceedingly white guy pretending to be gangsta, and who’s whiter than Purdue Pete? Just imagine those giant bug eyes bloodshot red and that perfect coif of hair made into cornrows. 6.) Sexy Kitten: This one is for our own curiosity. If a Black Sheep writer saw a Sexy Kitten Purdue Pete walk into a bar, he’d buy him a drink. He’d probably take him home too and make sweet, sweet love… moving on. 5.) A Malaysian Airline Pilot: Though controversial, such a unique and “too soon” costume would certainly distract from the hazy “lust for blood” look that is always present in Pete’s eyes. But it might make people start suspecting Pete of bringing down the plane himself. He looks like the type…
9.) Lanyard-Wearing Freshman: Nothing is more approachable than a freshman rocking cargo shorts and a lanyard. Everyone will see Pete’s way-too-younglooking face and think “that’s not a monster worse than the Crypt Keeper and the Swamp Thing’s illegitimate child, that’s a baby-faced freshman, who still has hope in his eyes.”
4.) Ebola Researcher: In a similar vein as the last idea, a full-on Hazmat suit coated with Ebola-esque blood would mask the soulless glare that is Pete’s default face. Most people would rather catch Ebola than hug that weird, giant-headed monstrosity.
8.) Old-School Purdue Pete: This iteration of Pete’s look wasn’t as terrifying as
3.) Sexy Morgan Burke: Homie, it would take a very special person to pull this look
off. Honestly this would be a universally awesome costume, no matter how goddamned terrifying your face is to young children. This costume would need to include a good-ol’-boy tie and glasses combo and a neutral-colored banana hammock.
2.) Purdue Bell Tower: DONT WALK UNDER ME OR YOU WON’T GRADUATE IN FOUR YEARS! As long as he keeps yelling this all night, the ladies will flock. Ladies love a big bell, if you know what we’re talking about. We’re talking about bells. Don’t be weird.
1.) Mitch Daniels: The easiest and most effective of all costumes. Mitch and Pete are practically the same person, so all this would require is burning a Howard Zinn book, and being the coolest cat at the bar.
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PAGES 12-13
LOCAL GIRL EXCITED ABOUT “PLAY ON WORDS” HALLOWEEN COSTUME
CONFESSIONAL: MY ROOMMATE’S A VAMPIRE
MOVIES MONSTERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
SHE CAN’T WAIT TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT!
ALL THAT EXTRA GARLIC YOU BOUGHT WILL COME IN HANDY.
WE OFFER SOME CLOSURE TO THOSE THAT’VE SUFFERED FROM THESE SCARY MONSTERS.
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SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
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WORD of the WEEK TRANSPOORTATION Any method of getting from point A to point B that requires the participant to do more than walk to his or her car. Recoiling in horror when his car didn’t start, Monty realized he’d have to take some sort of transpoortation to get to class.
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
An ambassador for the Starlight Children’s Foundation.
2
Made acting debut as Young Deb in Drop Dead Diva.
3
Has appeared in music videos by Sia, Alexx Calise and Todrick Hall.
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Local Girl Excited to Tell Everyone About “Play on Words” Halloween Costume Staff wrote this
Hawkins Hall freshman Audrey Olson knew she was going to make waves this Halloween when she decided she wasn’t going to be sexy Alice in Wonderland for the third year in a row. The idea came to Olson when she was browsing through the aisles at a costume store. Olson and her friends went from the sexy Disney Princess section, to the sexy farm animal section, to the sexy silverware section. But the next aisle, Olson told us, had just what she was looking for. “Me and my friends were shopping for our costumes for Sig Ep’s big Halloween party,” Olson said, “and I saw this hellacute devil costume that was incredibly slutty in like an eternal damnation kind of way.” Immediately after seeing the costume, she ran out of the store. Olson’s ability to chug three venti lattes in under an hour and her exceptionally small bladder caused her to lose sight
of her goal. Olson continued, “I ordered eggs at Sunrise Diner when it frickin’ came to me! I was like ohhh my god. I could buy that devil costume and pair it with an egg costume and be deviled eggs!” Olson’s gal pals who were at the brunch recalled that she was quite excited when she originally thought of the idea and then continued to get more and more excited. “I thought about tasing her once or twice,” said her friend Emily. Other customers at the restaurant reported that they heard screams and sqeals, sure someone had been badly hurt. At first excited for her, Olson’s friends became frustrated as the day went on. “It’s like she thinks she invented the whole idea of a pun… and I don’t think she even knows what a pun is,” said Robert McCoy, a junior in Olson’s human evolution class, “when we told
her it was a pun, she just looked at us blankly then said ‘no, it’s like one of those play on words things.’” “I’m just so excited to, like, make people laugh this Halloween, you know? ‘Cause my costume is so funny. Usually I just give people boners or whatever, but this year I’ll make them pee their pants from all the laughter… and also give them boners. If we can learn anything from porn, boners and smiles go really well together,” Olson told The Black Sheep. Many of Olson’s friends have considered blocking her on Facebook and unfollowing her on Twitter. One friend reports that Olson will “sometimes just sit in the Earhart Dining Hall for all three hours of breakfast next to where the eggs are served and talk to people about her Halloween costume. As if it’s a big coincidence they’re running into each other by the eggs.”
We followed up with Olson, who has apparently been diagnosed with a serious case of diarrhea mouth. “… and it’ll be really sexy cause I can be like ‘who wants some deviled eggs,’ or whatever, and wink, or something, and it’ll be super sexy and funny,” was about one-tenth of what Olson said to us after being asked what her favorite spot on campus was. We do not have a
large enough paper to print everything she said. “No matter what, Halloween will be super-baller, but I don’t know, man, Audrey might like totally ruin it for us,” said McCoy just before drawing some smiley faces on his shoes with a felt tip marker. “See, happy feet; now that is a good pun.”
WAIT, WHAT?
THE TOP TEN Last-Minute Halloween Costumes 10.) The Ebola Virus: Nothing says “I put a lot of thought into this” like a potentially offensive costume of a relevant yet horrible disease. Grab that tattered gym shirt, smear some leftover dining hall food on it, and add any other accessories to make your outfit look as ambiguously scary as possible. You’ll be getting stares all night! 9.) A “Before” Weight Loss Picture: This one requires little-to-no effort. All you have to do is be your normal slob self. If you really want to go all out, go for a second or third round at the dining hall and wear unflattering clothing to accentuate that muffin top you’ve been working on all year. 8.) A Werewolf Waiting For a Full Moon: You would have ordered that $300 wolf pelt, fake blood, colored contacts, and fang implants, but a quick Google search revealed that the full moon isn’t coming until weeks after Halloween. A t-shirt and jeans will do just fine.
CONFESSIONAL:
My Roommate’s A Vampire Staffwrote this
The following is a confessional interview of a Purdue student who wishes to remain unnamed: “I noticed something was wrong the day I moved in. It was midday and the room was pitch black; like, black black. I assumed, because it was so dark, that my roommate wasn’t there, but I hadn’t known that the rooms came with blackout curtains. I made my way over to the window and pushed open the curtains, shedding some light on the room. What I saw was terrifying. My roommate was crouched in a corner, under her bed, hissing at me. A legitimate hiss, like the sound your cat makes when it’s really pissed off or like the sound your snake makes when it’s hungry. She was dressed completely in black, from neck to ankles, and my side of the room was completely blocked off from her. But, things just got weirder. That night, she didn’t sleep. I heard her roaming around the room, searching through my things and making odd sucking noises. She was snoring obnoxiously, trying to convince me that she was sleeping, like the fake snoring that little kids do when they play opossum. Young men frequent our room, basically every night there’s a new one. She seems to be a master seductress, but the men always leave looking unnaturally pale and drained. She typically makes me leave for about five minutes, which leads me to believe that she isn’t using them for sex... unless it’s real quick and there’s no cuddling. She shows some weird obsession for toast. All
she ever eats is toast, and she’s very adamant about me knowing she eats toast. I searched through her computer while she was out at class and her history showed multiple searches for “human food,” which I guess is mostly toast. Problem is, she never eats it. She just sits in our darkened room, looking at me, licking the toast until I get uncomfortable enough to leave. I bought garlic to make stir-fry one time, and I put it in the fridge. The fridge is littered with V8 Splash juice bottles containing some thick, red liquid, which I’m going to take to being tomato juice for my own sanity. Anyway, she opened up the fridge to get some “juice” and then fell on the floor screaming and withering. I thought she was having a seizure, but I was too afraid to approach her. She sprinted away from the fridge as fast as she possibly could, jumped into her hammock bed, and continued to scream until I started frantically throwing the contents of our fridge into the hall. Needless to say, the garlic was removed. She has come to acquire a really nice camera that she takes selfies with. She never posts them anywhere and when I’ve asked, she says that it’s “really hard to take selfies with a Nikon,” but I know it’s because she doesn’t show up in pictures. She has a bunch of photos though, ones that are badly Photoshopped of families and pets. The best part? She isn’t in any of them. Every time she leaves for class, she covers herself in a thick, black cloak and takes an umbrella, regardless of the weather. At first I just assumed she was albino, but now I’m beginning to think otherwise. I bet it’s because she sparkles like a disco ball.
7.) An All-Grown-Up Dumpster Baby: Years of malnutrition and isolation from society have shaped you into the beautiful person you are today. You have lots of room to be creative with this one. You can basically do anything as long as it screams “What the fuck?” If you really want to play the part, you can occasionally scream that too. 6.) The One Person BuzzFeed Just Doesn’t Seem To Understand: Legend has it that there is someone out there who isn’t at all fazed by BuzzFeed’s crack-like article titles. BuzzFeed authors have tried time and again to reach “it,” but it seems to have an incredibly obscure niche. For this costume, just be as weird and hipster-y as humanly possible. 5.) The Poop Emoji: Dressing up as the world’s most popular emoji is sure to make you lots of new friends. Wear the brownest outfit you have and top it off with a brown hat. Show your dedication to the role by farting a lot and not showering. 4.) Today’s Unrealistic Standard of Beauty: Make a statement by caking your face in make-up and wearing what society considers a “slutty” outfit. The only way to bring those evil Photoshop-obsessed media lords down is to show people what the media wants you to be. 3.) An Alcoholic: For this one, just buy a bottle of Burnett’s, think about your ex, and before you know it, you’ll be in costume! This costume is especially great because you can pair it with any other costume— you can be a werewolf alcoholic or even a poop emoji alcoholic. 2.) Undercover Cop: The thing about undercover cops is that they blend in with their surroundings. Quick—look behind you! That guy’s an undercover cop. So if 20,000 students dressed in costume doesn’t tip you off and you forget it’s Halloween, just say you’re an undercover cop. We’re sure people will kindly welcome you into their parties. 1.) The Child Your Parents Were Hoping For: According to Mom and Dad, you were supposed to be a Harvard graduate/astronaut/billionaire entrepreneur at this point. You’re actually just an average student whose pillow is covered in Dorito crumbs and spilled beer. For the costume, just steal your rich friend’s clothing. This one pairs great with the alcoholic costume! Staff wrote this
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ON THE STREETS What do you think will be the most overused Halloween costume this year? BETH “Olaf from Frozen.”
HALEY “Hm, maybe Iggy Azalea.”
KEN “Nude Jennifer Lawrence, at least I hope so.”
06
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Student spotlight
Purdue Senior STILL Hasn’t Seen Pulp Fiction Staff wrote this
Jim Harghis is a seemingly normal college student. He’s a senior at PU, and at first glance, there’s nothing immediately odd about him. He appears to have been properly socialized, with a close group of ordinary friends. But those friends recently learned something extremely unsettling about Jim. This revelation came about late last Friday when he and his friends went to McDonald’s for dinner. One of Harghis’s buddies ordered a Quarter Pounder with Cheese at which time, another friend quipped that it’s called a “Royale with Cheese” in Paris, because people in Paris don’t know what the fuck a quarter pounder is due to the metric system. The group chuckled together, except for Jim, who asked why that was funny. It was at that moment when Jim’s friends learned that he’s in his last year of college and he still hasn’t seen Pulp Fiction. “I could tell there was something a little ‘off’ about Jim,” stated Paul Chipperson, who has been Jim’s friend since they were roommates freshman year. “I had no idea he was a Pulp Fiction virgin. I just assumed that everybody who didn’t lose their Pulp Fiction virginity in high school would lose it
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sometime in college, unless they were a total pleb.” What’s especially surprising to know is that Jim intends to get a degree in Film and Video Studies in order to become a director. One would expect a FVS student like Jim to have watched Pulp Fiction at least a half-dozen times by now. After all, the movie is one of the most critically-acclaimed films in cinematic history, and most consider it to be essential to the college binge-watching experience. But it’s somehow eluded this aspiring filmmaker. “It’s weird, I’d never even heard of Quentin Tarantino before,” Jim admitted. Word of Jim’s not-having-seenPulp Fiction-ness spread fast: It’s already been brought to the attention of those within the Department of Film and Video Studies. FVS professors and students alike are most disappointed with Jim, to say the least. In fact, just yesterday, the FVS department voted to drop Jim from the program. “They said I wouldn’t be able to graduate next spring unless I watch Pulp Fiction as soon as possible,” explained Jim. “I was outraged and confused. I asked, ‘What? What? What?’ They told
me, ‘Say what again. Say what again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more goddamn time!’” Jim has since been shunned not just by the FVS department, but also by the general Purdue populace. He knows now that he simply has to watch Pulp Fiction sometime before next spring: to Jim, Pulp Fiction truly is a must-see movie. Unfortunately, he hasn’t had the time in his schedule to see it, since it’s “kind of a long movie.” Plus, now that he’s an outcast, Jim hasn’t been able to find anybody to watch it with, and Pulp Fiction is one of those movies you have to watch with other people your first time. “I really shouldn’t have let other people find out I’ve never seen Pulp Fiction,” said Jim. “My classmates don’t respect me anymore, and I’ve been getting looks from people on the street. My one friend even told me that he’s more disgusted at me than ‘the gimp’ scene… I have no idea what that even means! I guess nobody wants to be associated with a pathetic Pulp Fiction virgin.” He added, “At least they don’t know I haven’t seen Animal House either.”
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Dating • Major: LIFE Favorite Drink: Angry balls • Favorite Shot: Patron Disgusting Drink: Anything with gin If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose?: Patron, because as my co workers say I am “Mexican.” Do you have a message for our future robot overlords?: Don’t drink the water. What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: “Dagnabbit!!!” Is there anything a good ole’ fashioned karate chop doesn’t solve?: No? A man wearing sunglasses at night is…: A douche bro. Which Taco Bell item best represents your personality, and why?: Mexican Pizza, again because I am Mexican.
CHRISTIE of JAKE’S
THE DRINKING GAME
Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: Gosh, I hope I don’t have an enemy, but if I did I would say they have Hepatitis B. Also, that they are mean.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
LOST AND FOUND
DRUNK NACHOS
Here at The Black Sheep know how rough weekend nights can get. You might end up lost on campus, running home in your underwear or – God help you – lying face down in a pile of your own shit outside of a bar. Most concerning is when you wake up the next morning without half the stuff you left with. Well, tonight we’re going to retrace our steps and find your stuff the only way we know how: get just as drunk and do it all over again.
It’s that point at the night where you’ll eat anything. You’ve perused the cabinets and you’ll settle for a block of uncooked ramen if you have to, but then you see it: a bag of chips. And then you remember it: There’s a bag of cheese in the fridge. That only means one thing, bud. Drunk nachos.
What You’ll Need: Half the items you had last night, more beer, and the ability to regain your memory. Number of Players: You and your internal compass. Level of Intoxication: Exactly the same as your previous night, one step too far and you’ll end up losing everything you have left with you.
What You’ll Need: The will to stand next to a microwave for 45 seconds, the creativity to place cheese on a few chips. Fatty Factor: Enough cheese to choke a few times while trying to swallow the chips.
How to play: - Wake up and realize you’ve lost everything you need to survive: wallet, phone, that tiny picture of a muskrat you keep in your pocket because you think it’s too funny. - Try calling your phone from your friend’s phone like an idiot. - Actually believe you’re going to find it for a second and then lose all hope. - Get as drunk as you did last night out of self-pity. - Realize that if you’re just as drunk as you were before, then logically you must be able to retrace your steps with no problem. - End up at a bar, shaking the bouncer and yelling, “WHERE IS IT?”
Let’s Get Baked: - Grab a handful of chips and put them on the plate (it’s much easier to pour from the bag). - Refrain from eating handfuls of cheese and leave them where they are on the chips. - Shove that shit in the microwave and wait 45 seconds. - DON’T try to eat one right after taking them out, you’ll burn your tongue and kill any hope at tasting all future chips. - Get some salsa while you wait (it will also help cool off those chips). - Screw it, don’t wait any longer. Burn your mouth if you have to, they’re too good to not eat. - Lay in your pile of crumbs and total satisfaction. You did it. You made nachos.
The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning just to realize that everything was in your pants pocket from the night before. Whoops.
Wasn’t that better than a shitty block of ramen or a can of SpaghettiOs? If you keep using your head like that, things will be looking up for you!
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We’ve all been there: it’s time for bed, the nightlight in the hall has mysteriously gone out, you don’t dare let your feet dangle off the bed for something might grab them, and your parents have told you for the tenth time to, “Go the hell to sleep, you’re 22-years-old.” The Black Sheep remembers, and we’ve decided to offer some closure to those that’ve suffered scary monsters. LOGAN BAILEY WROTE THIS
Casper the Friendly Ghost
Velociraptor
Claim to Fame: Befriending children. Where We Last Saw Them: Floating around with a tween Hilary Duff in a vacation resort. Where Are They Now?: Since then, the dead man-boy moved back to his shitty house from the first movie and got hitched. Unfortunately, his uberfriendly demeanor has led to a lessthan-happy marital situation. His wife, Sasperella the Kind-of-Bitchy ghost, isn’t exactly the friendly type – forcing our favorite poltergeist into a sad sort of servitude. Casper spends his days doting on his lovely wife. “I love her very much,” the friendly ghost tells The Black Sheep, “no matter what, through sickness and in health.” The couple are set to appear on their own reality show on the E! Network this spring, ’Til Death Do Us Part. Despite his disgust toward the idea, Casper still signed the contract after his wife told him to. “The pathetic thing is, it’s his own fault,” Sassperella stated, “the little bitch can’t say no.”
Claim to Fame: Eating people at a theme park, battling a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where We Last Saw Them: …eating people, fighting a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where Are They Now?: With his vicious, pointy teeth and giant claws, Velociraptor has created some terrifying cinematic moments. His glory days on the silver screen behind him, everyone’s favorite raptor has since earned degrees in paleoecology, paleontology, and quantum mathematics. Now an exhibit coordinator at the Natural History Museum in Chicago, Velociraptor has made quite a living, as well as a strangely off-putting British accent. “I fear my days as an actor have tainted my species,” the non-avian doctor said, “that ignorant sod Spielberg made sure of it, dehumanizing us every chance he got.” The prehistoric creature has since vowed to reestablish his species as top-dog, signing on as a consultant for the upcoming Jurassic World. “For too long, we Theropods have been portrayed as, dare I say, primitive. Pish-posh, I say! We are some of the most impressive creatures to roam this earth! Pick a door, any door, and watch me open it!” Velociraptor is reportedly making a seven figure salary.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon
Oogie Boogie
Claim to Fame: Kidnapping damsels in distress, taking them to his creepy lair in a swamp. Where We Last Saw Them: Sinking to the bottom of the Black Lagoon, riddled with bullets. Where Are They Now?: As the star of the sitcom, The Gillmans, Gilbert Gillman of the Black Lagoon couldn’t be happier. “Erghh-glersh, Academy Awards-gluhgersh,” the ABC star stated, and he’s probably right. After a brief, but successful stint in black and white film, Mr. Gillman drifted away from Hollywood, but of his own accord. “Erfhh-glaff, lerghh-laswah, errghy-settle down,” the star stated, “erghhin-make babies.” It wasn’t until the mid-2000s that Mr. Gillman reemerged, with the continuous support of his wife, as the beloved Manny Gillman on The Gillmans, and stole the hearts of millions.
Claim to Fame: Constantly attempting to take over Christmas, and kill Santa Claus. Where We Last Saw Them: An empty sack lying at Jack Skellington’s feet. Where Are They Now?: Since then, Oogie has come to terms with himself, claiming abstinence from gambling as his reason for success. The former gambling addict now hosts weekly Gamblers Anonymous meetings, serving as team leader for his charter of the group. “We, uh, admit that, uh, we are powerless over gambling – whether it’s children’s lives or money – and that our lives are unmanageable… or something like that,” Mr. Boogie said about how he overcame his addiction. “This is a great, uh, program they’re running here. It’s really helped me and my, uh, issues.” He works as a janitor in Emerson Elementary in Battle Creek, Michigan.
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Freddy Krueger
Slender Man
Claim to Fame: Murdering adolescents in their dreams. Where We Last Saw Them: Battling his friend Jason at Crystal Lake, which of course caused his decapitation and subsequent recovery into the man he is today. Where Are They Now?: Our least favorite dreamscaper, Freddy Krueger, has since retired from murdering teenagers as they sleep. In recent years, Krueger has found what he says is his true calling – a firefighter. In a sense, Krueger has always been a sort of fighter of fires. “The bastards burnt me alive! I won’t say whether they had reason to or not, but ever since, I’ve just had this burning feeling that I should extinguish all fire,” Krueger told us. Living in the rural town of Burt, Iowa, Freddy has become a town hero – a Smokey the Bear type. You can see his smiling face on billboards and in schools in the greater Burt area, reading, “Remember kids, only you can prevent house fires – and if you don’t, I’ll find you.”
Claim to Fame: Ruling the internet and children’s nightmares. Where We Last Saw Them: Every. Single. Website. Everywhere. Where Are They Now?: Now a successful model for the GAP and H&M products, Slender Man can be seen gracing the covers of several magazines, becoming a staple in men’s fashion. “He’s just real easy to work with, you know?” photographer Jordan Parham said. “There’s just something about that face – so surreal and calm. You can almost see every emotion at the same exact time when you look at him.” Several stars have requested the looks of Slender Man as well, asking if it is at all possible to Photoshop their face onto his slender, near-perfect body. “I’m not getting any younger,” actor Mickey Rourke said, “so why not use his services – what could it hurt?”
Damien
Pennywise
Claim to Fame: Being the Antichrist. Where We Last Saw Them: Holding the President’s hand, looking ominously into the camera. Where Are They Now?: Ever since his parents tried to kill him, this son of Satan has found new meaning for his life. Raised in a government halfway house, Damien Thorn has vowed to champion pro-life movements throughout the nation. “I had a very close call as an infant,” Thorn stated in recent press conference, “if I was granted the right to live by my government, then goddammit, so does every life, hellborn or not!” A steadfast Republican, the jackal-born Antichrist is a frequent contributor to Republican fundraisers and campaigns, often working as a speech-writer. He served as co-writer for the 2012 Romney presidential campaign. “I was sadly banned from joining the seminary, but I found a new calling as a writer,” Thorn said, “the lord sure works in mysterious ways.”
Claim to Fame: Eating children (seeing a theme here?) Where We Last Saw Them: Battling pissed-off adults in a cave… as a giant spider-creature. Where Are They Now?: After killing an undisclosed number of children in the 1980s, Pennywise the demon clown claims his murdering days are behind him. In a stunning revelation, last year he announced he will run for governor in Maine in the November 2014 elections. “I’ve turned a new leaf,” the clown said in a televised interview, “the fact is, I know what it’s like on the other side and I’ve seen the underbelly of this state. With my help, I know we can turn the great state of Maine around!” He plans to run on a platform of “cleaning the streets,” vowing to rid neighborhoods of the inner-city youths that have really “bastardized America” and “deserve to be eaten for their crimes.”
Sid
Count Chocula
Claim to Fame: Dr. Frankenstein-ing his toys into creepy abominations. Where We Last Saw Them: Almost throwing Woody and pals into a garbage truck, like a dick. Where Are They Now?: Everyone’s most hated preteen, Sid Phillips deserves no love. After dropping out of high school his freshman year, Phillips fell into obscurity. Working as a garbage man, he found the perfect cover for his sinister plans. In a horrific discovery, police uncovered a mass grave in a landfill near Columbus, Ohio where Phillips worked. Before they even considered taking him in for questioning, he turned himself in. “The son of a bitch just walked in, grinning ear to ear, and copped to the whole thing,” Ohio State Police officer Randy Tibbitts stated, “piece of shit was proud of it.” After the arrest, police raided Phillips’ home where they found several dismembered bodies. It was revealed in a police report that Sid Phillips would play a strange form of house with the body parts, claiming they “spoke to him” and were “alive and well.”
Claim to Fame: A delicious chocolate breakfast food. Where We Last Saw Them: On a cereal box in October. Where Are They Now?: Living in suburban Indiana, The Count now works as a humble dental assistant. In a series of lawsuits, furious American parents— blaming their children’s rising dental bills and America’s obesity epidemic on his product—stripped Chocula of his career and dignity. Scorned, but not yet broken, Chocula continued his crusade for delicious sugary cereals, going as far as publically announcing that his family would start a diet of only his cereal for an entire year to prove its worth. Sadly, in his obsession with reclaiming his fame, his own son lost his life after losing both of his fangs from cavities brought on by the cereal. “I’ve learned my lesson,” The Count said, “I know now the error of my ways, and the deadly power of sugary cereals.”
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THE BACK PAGE
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THE SIMPSONS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 3) The owner of the Kwik-E-Mart, last name. 7) The twins in Bart’s class, with purple hair and pale skin. 11) The family’s pet cats.
13) The family’s pet dog is whose Little Helper? 14) Skinner 15) The spokes-mascot for Duff Beer.
DOWN: 1) The Sunday School teacher, Ms. What? 2) The youngest of the Simpsons. 4) Ned Flanders’s deceased wife. 5) The cool elementary school bus driver. 6) Sideshow Bob’s Italian wife. 7) The last name of the owner of Moe’s Tavern. 8) The cartoon cat and mouse, two words. 9) Springfield Chief of Police, two words. 10) Mr. Burn’s personal assistant. 11) The town The Simpsons takes place in. 12) Lisa’s instrument of choice.
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