Volume 3
The Black Sheep
rea Free! lly m Lik ake e we you wou pay ld for this .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 6
PANIC ERUPTS
AS ENGINEERS ARE LEFT UNADMINISTRATED David Sotirovski wrote this The Engineering Administration Building is now almost completely demolished and the College of Engineering has turned to total chaos without any oversight. Deadly injuries have been avoided, and no serious damage has been done, but it’s becoming more and more evident that things are beginning to spiral out of control for Purdue’s most illustrious department. Last Wednesday, for instance, custodians spent nearly five hours trying to scrub burn marks off the walls of Armstrong after a group of aerospace engineering students launched a three-stage rocket-- that’s two engines and a payload—inside the building. The aerial menace left a ten-foot black streak on each side of the third floor hallway and managed to knock out four ceiling tiles on its path of destruction. One of the ceiling tiles caught on fire, but a student walking out of a nearby classroom bravely stomped it out before it spread to anything else. It is uncertain whether or not the payload reached its target because we don’t know whether or not the target was the Dean’s Office. However, the general consensus around the student body is that it was indeed the target, in which case it was definitely reached. The police suspect there may have been chemical engineers also involved as the payload was a water balloon filled with a substance whose sole purpose was to smell as bad as possible. Due to initial concern the fluid was something toxic meant to cause harm, a HAZMAT team was called to the building to run the necessary tests. It did not take them long to realize that this was not in fact an act of terrorism, just good old-fashioned idiocy. The Dean of Engineering’s office is expected to smell normal within a week. Authorities have no thoughts as to the motive behind this act of aeronautical tomfoolery. They also had no comments to give, unlike some Purdue employees. “I had just clocked out and was leaving the office when out of nowhere a rocket shot past me and flew down the hallway like a bat out of hell,” claimed an annoyed Betsy Ross, 16-year veteran of the custodial staff. “I left Beering and came to Armstrong to get away from these kind of shenanigans. Why can’t these kids launch their rockets in the parking lot or something?” In addition to the rocket, sources say that an entire section of Thermodynamics, ME 200, has failed the recent midterm. Not only have they all
failed, but every single person in the class received a 0% on the test. No one accidentally correctly guessed an answer in what is surely some sort of act of protest against the difficulty of one of Purdue’s most notorious “weed-out” classes. Professors are not really sure what do about this strange unionizing of students, not to cheat, but to deliberately fail. It is now impossible for anyone in the class to get better than a C. What will happen if or when an entire section fails to pass the class?
We must ask ourselves, is all of this nonsense worth it? ENAD will come down to make way for the Active Learning Center, designed to help combat the passive learning that has been going on lately. At the budget meeting, this was apparently determined to be a bigger problem than the fact that the average school computer takes 15 minutes to log onto and is running an operating system that came out seven years ago, before many of Purdue’s students were even in high school.
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PAGES 12-13
TOP 10: EXCUSES YOUR FRIENDS GIVE TO NOT HANG OUT WITH YOU
GIRLS TROUBLED BY UNATTAINABLE STANDARDS OF QUIRKINESS
HOW TO FIX 2014’S WORST NEW SHOWS (WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR NAMES)
YOU’VE HEARD IT ALL, AND THESE ARE THE TOP 10.
IT’S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO KEEP UP.
THIS FALL’S TELEVISION LINEUP IS ATROCIOUS. HERE’S WHAT WE THINK WOULD HELP.
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PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“Why is this reception so bad?”
THE BROWN NECKTIE
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK
MIRRORCLE An act in which one looks in the mirror and is convinced she looks good when she, in fact, does not. “I don’t know what she was thinking when she looked at herself in the mirror tonight,” Bethany exclaimed, “must have been a mirrorcle.”
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Ex-Amish, now a model.
2
Arrested for DUI in 2013.
3
Daughter of a bishop.
# # #
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PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
THIS OR THAT?
WHO SAID IT?
MITCH DANIELS OR DANGEROUS AUTHORITARIAN RULERS? Josh wrote this
This week The Black Sheep would like to introduce a concept to the fine Boilermakers here at Purdue. Below are ten quotes, either from our beloved President Mitch Daniels, or a 20th century authoritarian despot. You get to do the fun part, guessing who said what! “I want you to know that everything I did, I did for my country.” This one is tough. Obviously it could be Mitch; he loves America, right? But if you guessed Mitch you would be wrong! This gem comes from our Cambodian friend Pol Pot. “The peoples of Yugoslavia do not want Fascism.” Hmmmm, boy, this one probably isn’t from our boy Mitch. Maybe he said this during some political speech when he was trying to win over Yugoslavian
immigrants? Alas, no. This quote is from none other than Josip Broz Tito, Yugoslavia’s premier communist benevolent dictator. “Education is a weapon whose effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed.” This is from Daniel’s Presidential inauguration speech isn’t it? What?! This is Josef Stalin? Well shit. “One thing that I am sure of, and which I can answer truthfully, is that whatever the contingencies that may arise here, wherever I am there will be no Communism.” Alright, this one is obviously Mitch. Who else would make such a bold, red-blooded, clear headed mention against the evils of communism? No one besides our beloved President Daniels! Or, uh, apparently Spanish
fascist Francisco Franco. Dammit. “To read too many books is harmful.” Must be Mitch! It’s well-documented Mr. Daniels hates liberal authors, this has got to be a quote from some book burning speech he attended. And no, this is Mao Zedong. Hmm, maybe burning books isn’t such a good idea? “Give us the child for 8 years and it will be a Bolshevik forever.” Well, er, we guess this could have been from some education speech Mitch gave where he got caught up in the moment and let his inner communist outta’ the old red bag. Or, it could be from Vladimir Lenin concerning the indoctrination of youth! “Man is and remains an animal. Here a beast of prey, there a housepet, but always an animal.”
HEY, WE’RE NOT ANIMALS MITCH! Granted eating Twinkies in the shower with my shoes still on wasn’t my finest moment, but come on man! Oh, Joseph Goebbles said this? Our bad. “I am Fidel Castro and we have come to liberate Cuba.” Believe it or not Mitch said this. Nah, just kidding it was Fidel Castro. “Nothing is more precious than independence and liberty.” MITCH, MITCH, MITCH. USA USA USA USA! Fuck! This is Ho Chi Minh! Jesus, how do these communists sound so much like our boy Mitch?
“The public is increasingly disgusted with a steady diet of defamation, and prepared to reward those who refrain from it.” Finally, one that clearly comes from some revolutionar y communist indoctrination speech. Cased closed, easy-peasy. Nope, it’s from our boy Mitch! So, there you have it. President Daniels? More like Dictator Dan-- All HAIL PRESIDENT DANIELS! BASK IN THE GLOW OF HIS BENEVOLENCE, FOR HE IS GOOD AND BRIGHTENS OUR LIVES.
#META
THE TOP TEN
Excuses Your Friends Give To Not Hang Out With You It’s Friday night and you’re alone. What the hell happened to your plans? A few texts later, you’ve heard it all- - here are the top ten excuses your friends give to not hang out with you. 10.) “I’ve got a lot of work to do.”: Not only is this excuse one of the hardest ones to talk your friends out of, it makes you realize that you should be upping the ante on your book reading and not on your Fireball. And yet Fireball will never judge you for your Friday night choices… 9.) “I got no sleep.”: Congratulations! Hanging out with you, making memories, etc., is less exciting than staying in and laying on a bed for a recommended eight hours!
PRE-GAMING THE PRE-GAME:
A TALE OF SURVIVAL Justin Sienkowski wrote this
My name is Gina McConnell and I am a survivor. Not of a plane crash, a shipwreck or even a deadly Indiana snowstorm. What I endured was more lethal than any of those things; I pregamed the pre-game, and I live to tell you my tale today. It began as any other Friday here in West Lafayette. I had just gotten out of my math recitation when I received a text message from one of my old friends, Natalie, I hadn’t seen since freshman year. It read: “Hey! We’re pre-gaming at my place at 8 before we go out, if you don’t come I will literally fucking hate you forever….haha jk miss you!” This is the same girl that I had to drag out of her dorm room kicking and screaming to come to parties with us freshman year, the same girl that I saw take a half hour-long to beer bong a single Mike’s Hard. Surely, by pre-gaming she meant have a Smirnoff Ice or two, or maybe a mixer with 95% Sprite and 5% vodka. I would have to take drinking matters into my own hands. It was 7 p.m., time to start pre-gaming the pre-game. I downed a few beers, but still wasn’t drinking quickly enough. I had to drink enough to sit through a few hours of quietly chatting and sipping on white wine. I began swiftly swigging Fireball. The bottle finished, I needed more, so I ran across the street to Bar Berry. Bought a Four Loko this time, taste didn’t matter at this point, I just needed to get nice ‘n loaded before this pre-game. Finally, it was time. I emptied out the last drops of Four Loko into my tank and was on my way. I arrived at the scene, sloshed but not too sloshed—just sloshed enough. Odd, I thought, that there were so many empty Nattys on the
table. This couldn’t have been Natalie’s doing. Sure enough, there she was shotgunning one, and in only 10 seconds too. She quickly invited me to come sit by her and play a game of Waterfall. Somehow, every single waterfall I ended up last, chugging almost my entire beer. Next up was Presidents, and guess who the asshole was all game long? It’s as if time was moving in slow motion, the drinks got more painful with every dreadful sip. I couldn’t breathe, I was going to drown myself. Gasping for air, I ran outside.
“Bought a Four Loko this time, taste didn’t matter at this point, I just needed to get nice ‘n loaded before this pre-game.”
8.) “I have to do this thing with my floor, sorry!”: While this excuse is upsetting, it offers the opportunity to bust your lying friend. Look for a group of 40 freshmen and one confused upperclassman. If you can’t locate the mob, call him out! 7.) “Starting to not feel well.”: Jager tastes like cough syrup, so why she won’t rally just hurts. Hope she enjoys her sweaty, sad Netflix coma when she could be in a sweaty, sad frat basement with you. 6.) “My girlfriend really wants to hang out, sorry.”: Only after throwing a two-hour pity party for your lack of a lover will you realize that he’s not even in a relationship. 5.) “I’m just feeling ugly today.”: This is a classic lady text that translates roughly to “let me lay in my sweat pants.” Instead of being totally ditched, you could offer to come with a movie. If that’s turned down, then it’s a “let me lay without pants” type evening, instead of “let me get laid” night. 4.) “I haven’t eaten, and I’m too poor for State Street.”: Is this a test to see if you’ll pay for his food, or a subtle way of sharing he’s stuffing his face with whatever leftover pizza’s lying around from the drunk trip to Marco’s yesterday? Either way, hope he enjoys his hungry, lonely evening while you snack on a quesarito with another homie. 3.) “I’m not in town dude, I went home!”: Some students live close enough that they can leave Friday night and spend meaningful time at home. You, on the other hand, do not. Enjoy spending your time scrolling down your Newsfeed and liking pictures of your friend doing a keg stand uploaded five minutes ago! 2.) “It’s laundry night and I have nothing to wear.”: If Beyonce’s new haircut can become a fashion trend, so can the baggy braless t-shirt look. Tell her that an outfit is like a cover, and no one should ever judge it. 1.) “I’m not drinking tonight.”:The four words of death. Your friend might still come out with you, but he knows that no one wants to drag around a sad sack of a sober college kid. Let him go -- he needs to think about his passive aggressive ways.
At this point it was decided; I was not making it out tonight. My legs were weak, my stomach wincing. I took off walking, only to realize I was lost. My phone and wallet were MIA. I was alone in the wilderness that is West Lafayette. “This is how it ends” I thought. I had nothing but the clothes on my back, a mean booze blanket and a ping pong ball that I found. I named her Wendy; she was oddly comforting. Wendy and I traveled until we could travel no more. I sat and looked off into the distance, and that’s when I saw it. The radiating glow of Willowbrook flashed before my eyes. We ran as fast as my 3-inch heels would take us. I immediately went to my cousin’s apartment and knocked on the door. When he opened the door, I dropped to the ground and kissed the sweet, sweet carpeted floor. I had done the impossible, I had survived pre-gaming the pre-game.
Staff wrote this
PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS If you woke up as a member of the opposite sex tomorrow—besides the sex stuff— what’d be the first thing you’d do?
HELGA “Probably pee, who doesn’t have to pee when they wake up?”
JAKE “Non-sexual? Ok, probably non-sexually touch my boobs.”
LAURA “I’m a zombie in the morning, so I probably wouldn’t even notice.”
06
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SPECIAL NIGHT
WEDNESDAY! $0.25 Wings: 9pm - ‘til they’re gone! Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ, $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles, $1.50 Double Wells, $4 32oz B.F.D’s
Everyday: $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
FRIDAY! $3 Any Well Drink $3 Shots, $4 Bombs $12 Well Pitcher 5 for $15 International Beers
TUESDAY! Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart
Friday, November 7th Cactus Country Finale w/ John King Band Doors at 8pm, $8 $2 Bud Light Drafts, $3 Titos, $4 Jack Daniels
THURS.
$1 O Bombs $2.50 Long Islands $2.50 Double Wells
$10.99 Steak Night! $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $15 Corona, Heineken and Dos Equis $12 Margarita and Mojito Pitchers, $2 Tequila Shots $4.25 Long Islands
NFL! Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts $2.25 Domestic Bottles, $4.25 Fishbowls, Well Drinks
THREE DOLLAR THREE OLIVES THURSDAY $1 Coors, $2 Wells and $3 Three Olives $3.75 Long Islands
FRI.
$1 O-Bombs, $5 Double Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $4 Double Wells
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$3 Any Well Drink $3 Shots, $4 Bombs $12 Well Pitcher 5 for $15 International Beers
$3.75 Captain Morgan, $3.25 Miller/Coors 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Blue Moon 24oz Drafts $3 Bazooka Joe & Cherry Bombs, Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts!
$2 Bud/Bud Light Drafts, $15 100oz beer tubes, $12 Bud/ Bud Light buckets, $3 Titos, $4 Jacks and $4 Bacardi Bruce in Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJs main room
SAT.
$1 O-Bombs $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $5 Double Bacardi Mixers $4 Double Wells
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$4.25 Long Islands $3 Shots, $4 Bombs 5 for $12 Domestics $12 Well Pitchers
College Football! Brex Club! $4.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Bud, Bud Light and Rolling Rock 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Goose Island 312 24oz Drafts, $3 Jager Bombs | Breakfast Club Specials: $2.25 Screwdrivers and Bloody Marys, $3 Fireball Breakfast Shots
$3.50 Smirnoff and Captain Morgan, $4 Jacks, $12 Buckets Miller/ Coors, $15 100oz Beer Tube of Miller/Coors Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room
SUN.
$2 Double Well Mixers, $3 U-Call-It Shots & Top Shelf Drinks
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
Open - 6pm, Hooka Freefill (With purchase of an appetizer) $0.50 Wings (Minimum of 6) $2 Domestic Beers $3 Import Beers $4.25 Margaritas and Mojitos
NFL! $15 Domestic Pitcher & Pie, $6.50 Domestic Pitchers, $2.25 Wells, $3 Fireball
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MON.
$1 Double Wells $1.25 18oz Bud Light Btls 50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $3 U-Call-It Shots
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
$.50 Wings (Minimum of 6) $3.25 Any Well Drink 5 for $5 Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Coors Light
$1.50 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $2 Coronas, $3 Jager Bomb Cups, $15 Domestic Pitcher + Pie, $4 220z Well Drinks, $5 Red Bull Mixers
TUES.
$2 Double Wells $2 Any Draft $1 O-Bombs
$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts
5 for $12 Domestic Beers $10 Sangria Pitcher $4 Redbull Vodkas 6pm – Close, Hooka Freefill (With purchase of an appetizer, one per appetizer)
Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart
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$3.25 Any Well Drink, $2 Domestic Beers & $3 Import Beers $4.25 Daiquiris and Pina Coladas $12 Well Pitchers 6pm – Close, Half off Second Hooka (Limit one per table)
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Student spotlight
TEENAGE GIRLS TROUBLED
BY UNATTAINABLE STANDARDS OF QUIRKINESS Staff Wrote This While problems of self-image have long been rampant throughout the nation’s youth, new reports show that the hipster counterculture— once a bastion from the traditional standards of beauty and femininity women are inundated with every day—has created devastatingly high expectations for quirkiness. Girls like freshman Sylvia Fleming have been battling with these issues since they were young teens. “It’s just too much to keep up with,” she said. “From every single media outlet, the sense of inadequacy is impossible to ignore. We can’t all be Annie Hall.” As opposed to the societal obsessions of thinness and perfect proportions portrayed in women’s magazines, movies, and advertising, sources say images of quirk are found in more innocuous places. “It’s impossible to just go to my local record store in peace without being bombarded by these images,” Fleming said. “Right when you check out, there’s Paste Magazine right in your face with Carrie Brownstein on the cover because Sleater-Kinney is getting back together. It’s inescapable. It’s my daily reminder that no matter how far I come or how quirky I am, I will never be best friends with Fred Armisen.” Piper Cotter, an art/English/art history/women’s studies quadruple major with eleven minors, has found the inescapable nature of online content to be especially troubling. “It appears on every website,” she said. “Every feminist blog post has an aspect of intersectional theory applicable to the queer black community I haven’t thought of, every Pitchfork staff list has a 90s punk band I never heard of, and every Tumblr gif has a 30 Rock reference I don’t remember. It’s impossible to keep up.” The intense nature of this high standard has reportedly resulted in a sense of competition between some. “Whoever gets the most likes on their cover photo that’s a screenshot of Netflix with the subtitles showing, whoever can remember the most letters from the ever-expanding LGBT acronym, it gets really nasty,” Fleming added. “It results in a real sense of failure. Sometimes I think I’ll never be good enough, in a general sense. Will I be able to perfect the on-the-head/off-the-head hat ratio? Will I ever fall in love with someone so beautiful, talented, reclusive and strange as Jeff Mangum? It starts to eat away at you.” One student made an impulsive decision under the pressure and told reporters she regretted her decision. “I tried to give myself that new haircut where you shave one side of your head, but I completely ruined it,” said Harper Brooks. “I shaved the top of my head. It looks like male patterned baldness. “I look like Charles Manson,” she continued. “It looks so stupid. How did I even do this? It was such an easy mistake not to make. Just choose right or left. All I remember was turning on the trimmers and then I blacked out.” Similar to other high standards set by popular culture, the high standards of quirkiness demand fashion and form-fitting clothes, but in an opposite direction. “The sweaters get baggier and baggier every year,” said Cotter. “Each time I go to the thrift store, it’s a struggle to try to fit into them and then try to reach the end of the enormous sleeves.” “I’ve always wanted to be a Gertrude Stein, but I know I’m going to end up as an Emily Dickinson,” said Brooks, before leaving to pray to her shrine dedicated to Tina Belcher.
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: Audio Engineering Favorite Drink: Manhattan • Favorite Shot: Whiskey Disgusting Drink: Gin
BRYCE of BROTHERS THE DRINKING GAME
What drink is much better in the winter than it is in the summer, and why?: Hot cider. Obvious reasons.
Who is your favorite Purdue alumnus?: Neil Armstrong. Pretty amazing what he did.
As a bartender, what do you see as an acceptable tipping policy?: Phone number.
What are you terrible at, but fine with being terrible at?: Relationships.
Make an argument for fall being the best season: It’s fucking awesome. I love the changing seasons.
The puny mortals have offended you, m’lord, what shall we do with them?: Make me a Manhattan!
Where’s the most surprising place you’ve ever found money?: Fifty bucks on the floor of Brothers.
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Hmmm, I guess because it’s free.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
STRIPPING THE COLD
OLD-SCHOOL SANDWICH
Alright, it’s officially November, guys. It’s going to get colder than you can even imagine sometime soon, so you may as well make a game out of it while you freeze your ass off. This one’s pretty simple. The goal is to see how many layers you can remove due to your level of intoxication. Easy right? Not so fast...
If you’re the type of person who becomes a child when you get too drunk, this week’s recipe is for you. Even the mature drunks can appreciate the sentiment of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so loosen up and enjoy this classic drunk treat with a few added extras.
What You’ll Need: Your grandmother to take you shopping for winter clothes, the strength to zip two coats over one another, a liver that will risk everything to keep your body warm. Number of Players: Head-to-head challenges require at least two players, personal record challenges require just one. Level of Intoxication: Enough to think this is a good idea in below zero weather. How to Play: - First, you’ll need to check the temperature outside to know where you’re starting. - Bundle up good, buck’o! Throw on as many layers as possible (mark down how many articles of clothing you have on). - Begin drinking and sweating from all the clothes you foolishly put on. - When you believe you’re drunk enough, head outside and begin taking layers off. - Continue to remove layers until you either unknowingly freeze or strip completely naked.
What You’ll Need: Peanut butter, jelly, bread, your desired toppings (we enjoy bananas, more peanuts, Oreos – yes, OREOS). Fatty Factor: You’ll feel like an overweight baby forced to stay in the hospital for three extra weeks to shed some weight. Let’s Get Baked: - Stumble on over to the kitchen and grab a plate. - Get your bread ready (classic preparation here, just lay it on the plate ya’ fool!) - After you miss the plate, pick your bread up off the floor and slap some peanut butter and jelly on it. - Gobble down three spoonfuls of peanut butter and try to say the alphabet backwards to all your friends. - What did you used to put in your lunchbox in grade school? Throw it on the sandwich. - You might end up with a bunch of weird stuff on your sandwich – gummy bears, half a Lunchable, Kit Kats, you name it. Just swallow it, you won’t regret it.
The Game Ends When: You realize you’ve just been tricked into playing a game where you end up naked in public.
Didn’t that take you back? Now be careful. While you’re feeling overwhelmed with this nostalgia, you can’t turn into a mess of emotions and begin telling everyone you love them. Just whisper it to your sandwich there – it’s the best listener of all.
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NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
In case you haven’t heard, this fall’s television lineup is atrocious. It’s drawn about as much interest as Santa Claus hulahooping in the nude. Actually, that sounds riveting. The ratings have been practically nonexistent, especially for the new shows. Luckily, due to these shows having extremely vague and terrible names, they can be completely transformed without having to change the title. Have no fear, network executives, The Black Sheep is here to save television. Keep in mind that a couple million viewers is not a lot. For context, Sunday Night Football averages over 21 million viewers and The Big Bang Theory (which is awful) averages over 20 million viewers.
Red Band Society Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on FOX
Summary: Red Band Society follows a group of teenagers who, due to various ailments, are living at the hospital. This includes a (lucky for him) comatose narrator, two cancer patients, a bitchy cheerleader who needs a new heart (Oh, the symbolism), a girl with an eating disorder, and (shocker) a sassy, older black woman with a heart of gold who acts as both a nurse and a spiritual guide. Ratings: Since opening at 4.1 million viewers (1.3 rating) for the pilot, the show’s viewership has dropped each
Ratings: Despite relatively good ratings, viewership has dropped from 14.75 million in the pilot
Summary: The father of an upper-middle-class black family living in the predominantly white suburbs struggles to find a cultural identity for his increasingly “white-acting” family. Essentially, the father acts out what a white person does when accused of racism, such as trying to desperately to find his kids more black friends or dressing them in a dashiki and attempting tribalsounding drum music.
to 11.71 at the present. How to Fix It: The female Secretary of State tries to balance her demanding job as one of the most important people in the world with her lucrative job as a madam at the world’s most successful brothel. She knows that she should quit the brothel, but it’s what allowed her the income to get into politics in the first place. To make matters worse, the DIA is on her tail and if her side job is found out, she’ll lose everything. It’s like Weeds, but the stakes are infinitely higher.
Summary: John Mulaney is a young comedian who, along with his two best friends and roommates, one male and one female, try to make it in the toughest city in the world. Also there to help is Mulaney’s wacky neighbor. Sound familiar? That’s because it’s Seinfeld. Seriously, it’s just modern Seinfeld, but not funny. Ratings: It is averaging a pathetic 2.3 million viewers.
Jane the Virgin • Mondays at 9 p.m. on The CW Summary: Jane, a teenage, religious Latina, has decided to save herself for marriage, only to be accidentally artificially inseminated by her doctor. I don’t think any snide remarks need to be added to this one. The premise is bad enough already. Ratings: The most recent episode had 1.03 million viewers (try not to laugh.) How to Fix It: Growing up in ancient Egypt among the pharaohs, Jane tries tows the line
Selfie Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC
between her promise to her family (and the sun god Amon-Ra) to stay pure until marriage, and her desire to not be sacrificed to the Tefnut, liongod of water, amongst the worst drought in the history of the Egyptian Empire. Little does she know, she has gained the interest of a young Egyptian Prince who wishes to one day marry her… Moses.
Summary: Eliza, a social media fiend and popular personality, is ruined after an embarrassing selfie goes viral. In order to save her image, she hires a self-image marketing expert who reluctantly agrees despite his utter annoyance at everything she does. Essentially, it’s every single show ever made where two opposite personalities clash, except they think if they add enough social media references, young people will watch it. Apparently this is not the case. Ratings: After debuting at 5.31 million viewers, those figures
How to Fix It: Instead of red hospital bands, the show follows a group of secret Nazis living in post-World War II America. They wear their red swastika bands under their clothes and attempt to overthrow the American government. At least when these Nazis are inevitably found out and killed, it won’t be as depressing as when a teenager dies in the show’s original format.
Black-ish • Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m. on ABC
Madam Secretary • Sundays at 8 p.m. on CBS Summary: Following the death of her predecessor, a woman tries to balance her new job as the Secretary of State with her personal life as a wife and mother of two children. How edgy and original! A woman as the Secretary of State? That would never happen, except for in three out of the last six in America. Maybe this show would have been better received in 1980, when it would have been unheard of.
week until episode four, which had 2.92 million viewers (0.9 rating).
Ratings: Despite a solid showing in the pilot at 11.04 million, its viewership has since dropped drastically to a meager 6.93 million. How to Fix It: A struggling actor finds the role of a lifetime, except that it calls for a black actor and he is white. Instead of giving up, the protagonist attempts to gain the role while in blackface, only to realize that getting the role was the easy part. He spends the rest of the series trying to blend in with the black community and keep the ruse going. Essentially, a racial Mrs. Doubtfire.
How To Fix It: Instead of attempting to make a show out of this horrible mess, just literally air Seinfeld, which had 76.3 million viewers in its last episode, which is slightly less than thirty-five (freakin’ thirty-five) times the viewers Mulaney gets each week. Even though they probably won’t be able to get them to make new episodes, just air reruns like TBS does for 20 out of the 24 hours a day. Then at least you won’t have wasted as much time and money on something that’s already been done.
Mulaney Sundays at 9:30 p.m. on FOX
Bad Judge • Thursdays at 9 p.m. on NBC Summary: Rebecca Wright is a judge. But that’s not all. She’s also a heavy-drinking, promiscuoussex-having, and scofflawing mess in her personal life. Oh, we get it. Because she’s a judge, so she is supposed to be able to make good judgments, but she isn’t. Plus, since we’re watching the show, it will really be the viewer who is judging her. How clever. Ratings: Viewership has fallen from 5.84 million to 4.39 million.
How to Fix It: Judge Reinhold, the older brother from Fast Times At Ridgemont High and the close talker from Seinfeld, has come on hard times due to his recently-stagnat acting career. In an act of desperation, he decides to become a male prostitute. After initial struggles, he finds that there are a plethora of middle-aged women willing to pay nearly any price to feel like they are in the 80s and young again; and sleeping with him does exactly that. Everything is going great until, in a very 80s plot twist, he contracts AIDS, which puts his livelihood, and morals, to the test.
have dropped to 3.82 million weekly. How to Fix It: An elderly man who is lonely after being widowered by his late wife decides to enlist his young neighbor to teach him how to use technology in order to make new friends and find a new, younger wife. Over the course of their teachings, a bond is formed between the two neighbors, who begin to manipulate their technological prowess to trick beautiful women into going out with them, mostly through the use of cleverly-angled and extremely-filtered selfies.
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