Purdue - Issue 7 - 4/10/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep AFT

Vol. 2, Issue 7

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

S FRE ER CENT O E... L IK LEA V I N N YO U E T H E GA RC DAN LOTH K H ES EAD SH

OP.

4/10/14 - 4/23/14

JUST THE TIPS: ENDING A FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS RELATIONSHIP BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS When you’ve violated every cardinal rule of “what not to do” in your sexbuddy relationship, then you know you’re in an uncommitted commitment that needs to be broken off. Wondering how to go about ending a relationship that you’re not actually in? Obviously, you can’t talk to the person who you only see you as a casual hookup buddy. One minute you’re nonchalantly talking, and the next you’re doing the upside-down pterodactyl in a janitor’s closet. So how’s it done ? How do you get out of this? First off, keep your genitals tucked away under all that denim, and take a gander at The Black Sheep’s foolproof tips. Method One: Lie: You’ve been lying this whole time anyway. You might as well come up with some flimsy excuse as to why you can’t have sex with them anymore. For example: drop the “I’m a lesbian” bomb and, in a new wave of self-discovery, find that you’re no longer attracted to him or his totally rad penis. If you’re a guy, “I’m trying dude stuff now, boys rule and girls drool!” will definitely work. If you’re gay, tell them that you’ve been scared straight by a spooky conservative campfire story. Or try this: “I’m in a committed relationship.” It’s funny because they might actually believe you. Method Two: Be honest: Follow the mighty footsteps of Honest Abe Lincoln and tell the gospel truth. This way, if you end up seeing them again in the near future, you won’t have to remember your crazy lies and backtrack out of them; just in case you want to end up back in bed (for old time’s sake). Method Three: Ignore them: Ignore all texts, sexts, and repetitive question marks that signify how much they want to bang. “You up???????????” Pretend your phone is broken; literally break your phone so that you don’t have to see how pathetic they are when they’re losing something that they shouldn’t have had in the first place. Or, simply block their number and hope for the best. Top Tip: You may have to memorize the number so you don’t accidentally

PAGE 4 IDEAL STUDENT ACCEPTED INTO EVERY INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T THE FEELING OF WANTING TO PUNCH HIM IS NATURAL.

answer it when they call. But don’t memorize too hard, or you’ll drunkenly call wanting to see their funky parts again. Method Four: Secretly set them up with someone (less attractive): This may seem counter-intuitive, but if you don’t want to see the sucker again, all you have to do is make them fall in love. In case you actually have genuine feelings, make sure the person is less attractive so you can make fun of their gross Instagram photos together. With this, you’ll know that they won’t default back to you for their much-needed sexual release. We mean, you don’t have to say no if they’re asking someone else.

Method Five: Transfer: This may seem dramatic, but sometimes a little MIA is the only way to get away from someone who doesn’t understand that “no” means no. Catch a cab and get out of there. Hell, move to Mexico, start a family. The world is your sex-buddy-free oyster. Your uncommitted sexual relationship seems awfully committed so use one of these five tips to get out of it as soon as possible. The pickle that you’re in doesn’t just need to end, it needs to be eaten! And no, that’s not a weird sexual reference.

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IDEAL PURDUE STUDENT ACCEPTED INTO EVERY

INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T STAFF WROTE THIS As April rolls in, the calm spring winds are probably already drying your sopping wet cheeks from incessantly sobbing over one internship rejection after the other. Usually, the blow of professional disappointment is softened when word comes around that none of your friends have landed any of their prestigious, career-starting pathways out of their parents’ houses yet either. This year, however, students all over campus are sharing a collective contempt for that one over-qualified sonofabitch who just happened to land every dream internship they didn’t. “Like, of course that smug asshole gets to work at Google for the summer,” remarked Greg Innis, a junior in computer science. “Seriously, how could the internship advisors over there pick such an abhorrent prick? No matter what MP me and the other guys in CS work on, he never complains about our professors with us. He just, like a complete and total ass-

hole, does the work thoroughly without so much as a peep of discontent, and even throws in some lame-ass ‘innovative solution’ on top of it. He makes more work for himself. What a chode, for crissake.” The Purdue student who has indirectly crushed the summer dreams of many a well-balanced and qualified student is now forced with the decision to decide from thousands of internships across all disciplines. Ranging from working with under-privileged kids in rough neighborhoods to aiding with intensive neuropsychological research, the campus-proclaimed “Douchebag of the Summer” has been relatively quiet about his accomplishments, only going so far as to call his parents about his success and reply honestly when people ask him, “So, what are you doing for this summer?” “He got into Leo Burnett. Leo FUCKING Burnett,” wailed Steph-

anie Birmingham, a junior in advertising. “That agency has been the only place I have applied to for the past 3 years of my life, and I couldn’t even tell you how extensive my portfolio is with one social media managing internship after the other. But what does that selfish shitstain do? He goes ahead and designs his own personal website that looks leagues better than my professional Tumblr. Like, it has slickly designed widgets and everything. The kid’s not even an ad major, I don’t get it. Landing this internship was my dream, and he literally took the biggest post-Chipotle shit all over it. Now I might have to settle for freelancing …” Student reports have claimed that the internship-studded student is very confident and focused in terms of his strengths, but it would help if he wasn’t such a “pompous asshat” about it. Outside of exceling in his studies, the student also holds leadership positions in a few clubs on campus,

which is not unlike the average college student. However, what turns the student population off is the fact that he makes it seem like he genuinely enjoys the added stress without considering how it boosts his resume. “Do you honestly think I give two shits about the publication I’m working at right now?” commented a disgruntled Purdue Exponent editor after learning that the rival student landed a coveted editorial spot at The New Yorker. “I could care less about the integrity of half the ramblings that get posted in this paper. All I want companies to see is the big, bold “EDITOR of whatever” on my LinkedIn. But this fucking guy, I tell you … I have to walk past him every single time he walks to and from one of his organization meetings … always smiling. He said ‘hello’ to me last time I passed him, and I literally began thinking of ways to eviscerate him on the spot and choke him with his own intestines.” The editor abruptly

left the interview shortly thereafter, claiming that he needed to channel his un-supported and tasteless anger through another opinion piece. We were able to speak with the university’s most deplored student as he was catching up on some emails at Starbucks, passively dodging epithets and hate speech from passing students that even we can’t legally print. The student claimed that he was “shocked” to have received accept letters from all of his internship applications, and that he felt “truly

blessed and lucky” to see his hard work pay off at this crucial point in his life. He also mentioned that he hoped for “nothing but the best” for any of his fellow students feeling a little discouraged and that they should “continue to seize the day and turn yesterday’s failure into tomorrow’s success.” As a staff full of writers who will spending our summer making a few issues filled with uninspired dick jokes and townie-pandering humor, we at The Black Sheep concur that, yes, what a complete and total asshole.

CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

WAYS TO GET OVER A BAD INTERVIEW STAFF WROTE THIS

THINGS STARTING TO LOOK UP FOR UKRAINIAN STUDIES MAJOR STAFF WROTE THIS

At Purdue, students in majors look down on other majors. Others’ academic paths are viewed as being inferior for various reasons, ranging from lack of economic prospects for some to the lack of IQ required for others. “I would say that as a Ukrainian studies major I’m always the butt of jokes.” Blake Johnson told The Black Sheep adding, “People always ask me why I would ever major in something like this, and I can’t say it’s because I am incapable of doing any sort of academic work, so I tell them I have a deep passion and understanding of the dynamic nation we call Ukraine.” “Taking pleasure in the demise of others is always frowned upon. It’s like being really profitable as a coffin salesman,” said Johnson. “However, since the start of the protests in Ukraine, and especially after the Russian invasion, people all over have been asking for my opinion. Instead of trying to subtly hide their laughter at the mere sound of my voice, I’m starting to see people actually register what I’m saying. They tell me, ‘Wow that’s so thoughtful.’This war is really the best thing that has ever happened to me, guys.” Though Blake is happy about the unrest, other classmates of his were not so ecstatic. “All my professors with PhDs in Ukrainian studies are being interviewed by major news outlets. Unfortunately, this crisis happened when we were undergrads. Now no one will care about us by the time we have our doctorates. If I had a PhD I could get you to buy my book about a country I’ve been an ’expert’ on for years. It wouldn’t matter that in my life I’d have spent

a total of a week there,” Johnson’s cohort Tim Macama noted. Many of Blake’s classmates have considered switching their focus to a different country, based on the country they thought next to implode. “My money is on Mauritania” said Ukrainian studies sophomore Justin Smith, “Africa is easy, some ethnic group is always trying to kill another one.” While some were blessing the cycle of interest that major political crises had brought, others were more wary of the fad. “Being an Arabic major really was cool when all the Egyptians were first protesting, but it’s been three years now and people aren’t as interested in hearing about Egypt,” poly-sci student Brandon Svetnik said. He went on to observe that the fad lasts about a month after a political crisis happens and then, “People realize they’re still talking to a moron who can’t handle doing homework in college.” Some undergraduate students felt that they were above the fray of finding political crises to exploit. One political science major told The Black Sheep that, “I’m in political science because I know that predicating the next crisis is hard. This way regardless of what crisis happens I’ll know what to do.” When we questioned his methodology he said, “I’ll use just enough statistics to sound like I know what I’m talking about regardless of the conversation. People will learn to ignore my mouth vomit regardless of the political climate! and with that cup-half-full logic, anything is possible when you put your mind to it.”

Hey little feller, did your job interview go okay? You know, the huge interview for that big internship you really wanted? What’s that? It didn’t go so great, you say? It went terrible? Whoa, whoa, slow down. You want to kill yourself? Hey, hey. That’s no kind of attitude, cheer up. The Black Sheep has botched our fair share of interviews and believe us when we say: You’ll live. Sure, you’re feeling down now, but wait until you read our Top Ten ways to get over it. You’ll be aces. 10.) Pause and Reflect: First off, did the interview actually go all that bad or are you just an anxietyprone person? Consider this: If you’re the kind of person who Web M.D.s every canker sore, sunburn and blister then you’re probably just senselessly obsessing over the minute details. We guarantee that the interview didn’t go half as bad as you think. But to be honest, obnoxiously anxious people have a bad tendency to flop on their biggest days and nobody likes a Nervous Nelly… On second thought, never mind. 9.) Google Horror Stories: Get on the Google and check out some forums, look for posts that read: “OMG! Worst. Interview. EVER!” There are all kinds of incompetent people out there who’ve been in worse predicaments than you. So you took a couple of long pauses? Posh. Some man actually spit up on his interviewer’s lips and then, instead of apologizing, laughed and called himself a sprinkler. 8.) Convince Yourself the Job was the Wrong Fit: God, a callback would totally suck. Spreadsheets? Budgets? Independent research? Holy smokes, what a bummer. Good thing you couldn’t properly communicate your former work experience -- you nearly landed that horrible gig. 7.) Send a Threatening Follow-Up E-mail: Okay, so the company said it would get back to you in a week. It’s been six days so go ahead and threaten the lives of your interviewer’s children. “Dear Research Manager Joe, I’ll take every one of your goddamn kids to hell with me,” is a good start. However, it’s important to end on an uplifting note: “I’m looking forward to working with your great firm and am honored to have heard your angel voice -- With sincere lust, Edward.” 6.) Develop an Addiction or Disorder: Don’t think about the interview; distract yourself with drugs, alcohol and food. Whip up a batch of no-bake cookies and pump yourself full of savory heroin. Eat your fill and throw everything up. Wash, rinse, repeat. 5.) Become an Entrepreneur: Who wants to intern at some public limited company when there’s opportunity afoot? Build a hotdog stand alongside I-65 and call it “Roy’s Road Rashes,” it doesn’t have to be perfect, or make any sense at all. We’re pretty sure that spontaneously constructing a hotdog stand anywhere you so please is a totally illegal thing, so…give it a try! 4.) Rethink Your Preparation Strategy: So your interview flopped because you didn’t have the moxie to answer tough, on-the-spot questions at a moment’s notice. You can fix that. Next time, instead of researching the company and memorizing relevant answers to possible questions, have your friends waterboard you. Practice makes perfect, but screaming into a gallon of pouring water will get you through anything. If you want to handle any pressure, trust in torture. 3.) Write Yourself an Inspirational Note: Dear me. Why are you so beautiful and loving? So kind, generous and awesome? So awesome and totally great – especially at talking? Especially at not fucking up that interview? You beautiful piece of useless sludge. You raptor’s ass, you snakesnatched lunatic, you fiery flatulence, you bogus brown-nosing bitch. – Forever yours, you. 2.) Send Your Interviewers an Apologetic Haiku: Oaf sits on mountain / kills and cleans the crocodile / burns his tongue with salt 1.) Just Get Over It: Hey, it’s life. Shit happens (insert uplifting cliché). But if you must fail, fail with grace.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT CHEESY PICK-UP LINE WOULD WORK BEST WHEN PICKING UP A MILF/DILF? Chad

“My dick died; can I bury it in your ass?”

Matt

“I bet my balls sag less than your tits.”

Jack

“Do you live on a chicken farm? ‘Cause you sure know how to raise a cock.”

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OPINION: ON BEHALF OF HOT PEOPLE EVERYWHERE, YES, WE SEE YOU STARING STAFF WROTE THIS On behalf of the community of extraordinarily attractive humans at Purdue, I would like to take a moment to address a growing problem at this institution. I ask for one thing: Please stop staring at our people. We know we’re hot, but that doesn’t give you a reason to mentally molest us. It’s actually detrimental to our health. Every time an ugly person stares at us, 12 of our brain cells die. It’s an extra 15 if the person’s fat. We know it’s not your fault; it’s a natural reaction. We know we’re sexy but we also know you’re staring. How, you ask? It’s because we see you. We see you. Because of the general nature of how eyes work, gawking is a two-way thing. Pretty people aren't exempt from having peripheral vision. We notice even your most subtle attempts at beaming holes into our heads with your eyes, from gigantic gen-ed lecture classes to worthless liberal arts discussion sessions. We’re not as stupid as you look. We didn’t ask for this. We didn’t ask to be mankind’s finest specimens. We didn’t ask for these flowing locks, these piercing blue eyes, these legs that have no start, no end. No one understands the struggle of being pretty. Everyone automatically assumes things about us. There’s so much more to us than that! Everyone always gives us our way and keeps trying to buy us things. I can’t even step foot into Brother’s anymore without at least ten hideously unattractive mouth-breathers asking me, “So, uh, what are you drinking?” Seriously, you get so much free shit when you’re hot, but what if I don’t want free shit? We know we might make you feel insecure; however, that isn’t an excuse to shamelessly gape at us while we’re walking through Memorial Mall. It makes us feel like zoo animals in a cage, forever subjected to the voyeuristic gaze of countless beady-eyed peasants. No offense. Unless you intend to talk to me, please don’t gawk. And let’s be honest, you’re not going to talk to me. You’re probably pissing yourself right now even contemplating the notion, so why even bother looking in this direction? Talk to your own kind, the uglies. Or just talk to yourself! Get to know your own glowing personality, which I’m sure has to compensate for completely striking out on the attractiveness scale. Come on, somebody somewhere in the world doesn’t think you look like an inbred swine! Maybe your children

can have hope. I mean, two fuck-faces can still have a half-decent child. A negative and a negative make a positive, right? And hey, even if there isn’t anyone out there who finds you attractive, it’s okay. Maybe it’s better that you let the family line end here before it’s too late. All we ask is that the campus community shows an ounce of humanity towards those who are physically superior. We poop, just like everyone else. We're people too, just like you. Except we're hot. Just for a moment, stop being a rude piece of shit and look to the ground when you walk like a normal person.

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the crossword

famous michaels

ACROSS: 2) Legendary Chicago Bears football player and coach. 4) Michael Cera’s character in Arrested Development, two words. 5) What disesase does Michael J. Fox suffer from? 7) Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs, is on

which channel? 10) Michael Buble is from this Canadian province, two words. 12) Mike who? Mike who? 13) Michael C. Hall played the lead in which HBO show? 15) Michael Jackson was born in this Indiana city.

DOWN: 1) He played Austin Powers, baby, two words. 3) This Michael is famous for his controversial documentaries. 5) The most decorated Olympic athlete. 6) What was Mike Sorrentino’s nickname on Jersey Shore? 8) Philadelphia Eagles quarterback who spent time in prison for illegal dog fighting. 9) Michael Jordan won 6 NBA Championships with this city’s team. 10) The current Mayor of New York City. 11) Mike’s makes what kind of hard beverage? 14) This Mike famously bit off a part of Evander Holyfield’s ear.

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Relationship Status: Taken Major: Bartending Favorite Drink: Angry balls

BARTENDER

Favorite Shot: Goldschlager and Rumple Minze Disgusting Drink: Anything with gin. What fictional bar patron do you most want to stop by this joint?: Captain Morgan What’s the last thing you think before you have to cut someone off?: I’ve never had to cut someone off.

ROCKSTAR

What’s Jake’s motto, five words or less: No Uglys Allowed Give us an original swear word substitute: F*ckcircus What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve seen in real life?: A girl threw up in her underwear and put them back on. Would you rather be caught eating a booger or smelling your own fart?: Smelling my own fart.

OF THE WEEK

If you had to have elephantiasis of something, you’d have elephantiasis of…: My boobs.

Christie of Jake’s

DRINKING GAME Summer Festival Countdown If you’re like us, you’ve definitely had enough of school now to the point where you’re ready to admit that, this summer, you may have absolutely nothing going on job-wise, but there’s always festival season! To defend your $300 investment on standing in sweltering crowds of several thousands, cheer yourself up with this pre-game to the pre-game of your festival. What You’ll Need: The group of friends you’ll be concert-going/camping/drunkenly hooking up with for the summer, a computer or smartphone, and a matching Spotify playlist (optional) Number of Players: If you’re planning on heading to a festival alone, you probably already have your drinking plans set up for tonight … and tomorrow … and the rest of the weekend … Level of Intoxication: “Hey, these guys actually aren’t that bad! We should totally miss Outkast for them.” How to Play: Navigate your web browser to whatever festival you blew your parent’s money on this year. Make sure that the entire lineup is showing, not just headliners or “day-by-by” schedules. Starting at the top of the lineup, take a drink whenever one of the below criteria is met:

- There is a band making a “comeback.” - A band your parents saw back in the 80s is on the bill. - Any EDM artist surfaces – no exceptions. - A pop-punk band from your middle school days shows up out of nowhere. - A rapper who’s serious, hard-hitting lyrics about overcoming the struggles living in an awful neighborhood are found “most relatable” to affluent college kids shows up. - A band whose radio-abused single is on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t name it comes up. - Anyone you haven’t the slightest clue about is on the bill (treat this as the finale). Everyone drinks when: - The phrase “God, this year’s lineup is so good” comes up. - The phrase “Hm … I mean, it’s no 2013, but it’s a solid lineup, right?” comes up. - The phrase “Holy shit, this lineup is fucking awful” inevitably comes up. Game Ends When: You’re either excessively excited for the festival or morally outraged at impulse buying.

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How are we going to get out of this mess?: Hugs and drugs. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s more fun than The Exponent.

RECIPE for DISASTER Decked-Out Peanut Butter and Grilled Cheese Alright, time to stop kidding yourself: you’re running low on money. Whether your parents are cutting you off for the third year in a row of abysmal grades or you’ve just been giving up shifts at the dining hall, if there’s one thing that’s for sure, it’s that you’re spending way too much on late-night pizzas and chicken strips. To cope, here’s a quick, easy, and cheap snack that you could honestly make right now within the comfort of your own home … if you’re properly sauced at 2:30 in the morning, of course. What You Need: A toaster or George Foreman Grill (we prefer the latter because the grill lines at least make it seem like we dined out for the night.), 6 slices of bread (3 at the very LEAST. You can stack this sucker up as high as you want, baby.), Peanut butter, Your favorite flavor of jelly, Plastic cheese singles (if you’re fancy enough to be toting around deli-style carvings, then leave us peasants alone.) Cook Time: About 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: If it’s come to this, you can’t really complain about feeling a little queasy. Let’s Get Baked: - Fire up the George Foreman and place as many slices of bread on the grill as possible. If you have one of those fancy-schmancy industrial-sized

ones that can fit ALL 6 slices on at once, then congratulations: your parents love you more than ours. - Periodically check the toast to see if it’s grilled to your liking, but, you only want to get halfway there. - Remove the toast and begin assembling the first deck of the sandwich by placing a cheese single on a slice, following by another slice, followed by another single, and finished off with another slice. Look at you and your college education! - Begin assembling the second deck of the sandwich by applying the same concepts we learned in chapter 1 (the above step). This time, of course, stick to layers of peanut butter and jelly. - Carefully place the finished sandwich back on the grill. It’ll heat things up fast, so if the scent of burning cheese makes your nose hairs tear up, be attentive. - Remove the sandwich without searing your hand. - Stuff that sucker down before you sober up to visible regret. We know, we know. This is budget cooking to the absolute extreme. But if years of mixing assorted liquors together have taught us anything, it’s that, with practice, mixing assorted foods won’t make you sick all the time.

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Jesus Of

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jesus of blazereth

This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.

The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes. The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him: “They have no wine!” Mary said. Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to

the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.” “We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said. “Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched. Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.” “No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus

yelled: “Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.

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