Purdue - Issue 7 - 11/20/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 3

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 7

BRINGING PURDUE WITH YOU:

A GUIDE TO THANKSGIVING BREAK Josh Haase wrote this Thanksgiving is right around the corner. This means plentiful food and drink —a plus-- and trying to survive your family for a long weekend— a minus. “No, Mom, I don’t want to take a family picture, I’m taking a selfie for my Tinder girls! Gawwwwd!” Basically, yes, heading back home means your parents are going to cramp your style. That’s why The Black Sheep has decided to provide you a travel guide to make your time at home feel just like a Purdue weekend. Missing Harry’s? To the Local Bar!: Harry’s on a Friday night will feature good music, cool people, and the chance for hooking up with a complete stranger. Your hometown dive provides all of that, but a nice varnish of everyone you knew from high school. Want to have the most awkward one-night stand of your life? Go sleep with your girlfriend from sophomore year, she loves your new chinstrap beard thing. Want to reminisce about your glory days? Well, there is sure to be some ex-football players whose best days are behind them. Want to run into one of your alcoholic high school teachers? No, probably not. No one needs to see Mr. Johnson pounding Bud Ice tall boys and yelling about how the Pilgrims ruined North America. How to Study Without Hicks?: Who doesn’t find studying in Hicks at least tolerable, given the circumstances? The comfy booths, the easy printing, the asshole in the desk next to you who won’t stop Skyping his girlfriend. Ah, sweet Purdue. Where are you going to find an alternative to this when you’re back home? Hey, wait! Your local bar has all of that. It has booths, there might be a printer in the manager’s office, and Mr. Johnson is now yelling about “all those Mexicans stealing our jobs.” Pretty much the same, right? Missing Ross-Ade on Game Day?: Seeing all that football on TV will inevitably make you pine for a Saturday afternoon at Ross-Ade. So where are you to get your football fix back home? If you thought out answer was the bar, well you’re wrong. You’re going to the high school football game. Imagine, the awkward stares from the 15-year- olds, they know you’re far too old to be at an event like this. Or, oh boy, the awkwardness of running into your ex’s little brother. Or trying to explain to your friend’s parents how you “totally are a job lined up in a psychology…place…after graduation.” What? The high school football season is over? Well, go to the bar.

You Miss Your Roommates: Hah, no you don’t. We all know you’re sick of those slobs. ESPECIALLY YOU BILLY, DO YOUR GODDAMNED DISHES FOR ONCE.

you can “totally buy liquor” and enjoy that you have the opportunity to get plastered with both your racist high school history teacher and your little brother’s girlfriend.

Feeling Like You’re Missing A Great Party: Easy solution here folks: You and Mr. Johnson are going to hit up an underage house party before hitting the bar. Ignore the fact you were only invited because

As you roll into West Lafayette on a late Sunday afternoon, all you’ll be able to think to yourself is, “Boy, I need a drink.” Good thing we have bars for that.

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PAGES 12-13

LET’S GET BASTED!

TOP 10: PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE AROUND YOUR THANKSGIVING TABLE

HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING

THE FIRST OF MANY HOLIDAY PARTIES THAT YOU TOO WILL SURVIVE.

JUST MEMORIZE THESE ANSWERS AND KEEP TOPPING OFF YOUR WINE.

WE’VE GOT THE BEST BOOZE TO MIX THIS THANKSGIVING, BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Josh Haase

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

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FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

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“Damn, these headphones suck!

THE FRENCH RIPPER

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

BARTOGRAPHY To produce a map that shows the location of bars in one’s city.

Ryan’s attempt at bartography was noble, but all the bars in his college town were on the same street.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Developed “Captain’s Reserve” coffee brand.

Born in Bothell, Washington.

Died in 2010.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_PU

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MIXOLOGY

LET’S GET BASTED!

The Best Booze to Mix this Thanksgiving

It’s that time of year again — time to go home to the family that you hate and attempt to stomach their poor excuse of a Thanksgiving dinner. The second you arrive home, you’re already missing the comforts of Purdue: your friends who know how to have a good time, the horrible caf food, the bar scene, and the copious amounts of alcohol you consume weekly — hell, daily. These fond memories give you an idea: put the alcohol you’d usually be drinking into your mother’s gravy. It’s the perfect way to ride that buzz while your uncle hits on his son’s new girlfriend.

option for your friends — no one wants to see grandma stripping and singing, “I’m too sexy for my cardigan.”

As your family coos over the new baby that your sister chose to have for some ungodly reason, you act fast. You have many options, so you’ll have to choose wisely. The Black Sheep is generous, so here are our takes on the best types of alcohol to add to the gravy — not that we would ever condone that type of thing.

Peach schnapps: Or any schnapps flavor for that matter. The subtle flavor will blend in with the taste of the gravy, and just like with the vodka option, your family will be unaware that they are getting buzzed off of the dressing.

Vodka: As it’s virtually tasteless in gravy, you can add as much as you want and watch the hilarity ensue. This is foolproof unless you’re stuck with something awful like UV. Then they’ll know it’s in there, so just dump the whole bottle in and hope it doesn’t turn blue. Vodka is a surefire way to turn the party around and get your family in a giggly mood. Tequila: Sure, people might catch on to the fact that there’s something in the gravy, but after smothering their food with it, they’re sure to forget. You’ll be doing shots of gravy off of anyone who isn’t a member of your family (your sister’s fiancé perhaps?) and going balls-to-the-wall. There’s a reason they say that tequila makes your clothes fall off. On second thought, maybe you should save this

Fireball: This is everyone’s new favorite drink. Add a few shots of it to the gravy and your day is sure to get turnt. Cinnamon gravy will be interesting, but it’ll be an adventure for everyone. Either your family will play the most hilarious game of Apples to Apples after binging on the gravy, or you’ll all be dead from the antifreeze in the alcohol by the end of the night.

Rum: No one’s favorite alcohol, your parents will have plenty of this in the back of the pantry. Pick the least horrible-tasting one and pour half of the bottle in! Add some Coke too and you’ll have a delicious rum and Coke chicken gravy. Mmm! It may be unconventional, but once your family members make it to their third plate, they’ll be addicted to this new gravy flavor. By the end of the night, your family will be wasted and you’ll be feeling pretty good about yourself. That is until you throw up because you chose the vodka option and added the full half-gal. You may regret it in the morning, but everyone will have that hilarious story about your heroics and how you saved Thanksgiving from being the boring affair that leaves a bad taste in the mouth, just like every year previous.

GOBBLE, GOBBLE

THE TOP TEN PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE AROUND YOUR THANKSGIVING TABLE In theory, Thanksgiving is a time to be with family to give thanks for each other and all you have in this world. In reality, it’s just the first of many holiday parties this season where you’re just happy to have survived. 10.) The Outlier: Somehow, the random third cousin (four times removed) always gets an invitation to holiday events, and you’re stuck making small talk with them at the end of the table. This gives you the perfect opportunity to create a wild story about yourself. Hell, you only see them once a year, and it’ll sound much better than your typical “so how’s school going?” conversations.

60 MINUTES:

CHARLIE THE PARDONED TURKEY Staff wrote this

Every week in November, one turkey gains notoriety nationwide as he’s pardoned by the President of the United States. The bird is spared from the fork and knife and instead lives out his years peacefully on a farm. But where did this all start? In 1987, Reagan pardoned a young turkey in response to criticism of him pardoning a close friend. That turkey was Charlie. Before him, no turkey had ever experienced this much publicity, and no turkey since has lived a life so full of controversy and public scrutiny. And now for the first time in almost a decade, Charlie is here to talk about the ups and downs of gobbling up the fame in his new book: Gobbling in the Fast Lane. “I’m sure you really just want to know about the drugs and jail and my involvement in Waco, but that would only be half the story, and I want people to know the truth,” Charlie wheezed, setting down a cigarette. “Everyone knows about the talk show appearances and the forced cameos on failing TV shows that happened after the pardoning. People say you’re a star or you’re famous for that? I took a look at myself and realized I wanted no part of it.” Sadly for Charlie, the country wasn’t ready for what was really stuffed inside the turkey. “ U n fo r t u n ate l y, A m e r i c a wanted no part of me, the real me. I couldn’t sell anything:

books, screenplays, everything I actually put my heart and soul into got sent back, usually with a request for an autograph. But at that point in my life, I had no story to sell.” It wasn’t until Reagan called Charlie up with a request that the aging turkey had something to write about. “The man saved my life; it was kind of hard to say no to him,” the turkey paused, holding back tears. “Public opinion was turning against [Reagan], so he asked me to help distribute crack cocaine to the communities that helped raise me. I had no income coming in was about to get evicted. I went from having nights when I would go to sleep hungry to attending yacht parties with food from animals that can’t legally be eaten in this country. To this day I can look back and realize exactly when I lost all self-awareness and thought I was above the law. So, naturally, I got caught went to jail.” While most would see jail for the prison that it is, Charlie took a different stance: “One of the best things that ever happened to me was getting my plea of rehab rejected and being sent to prison. When you rob a bank on PCP, you might be crazy from the drug, but you weren’t on the drug when you decided to take it. Back then, rehab was a joke. Agents would fast-pass their clients through there, get some papers signed and boom, that celebrity was ‘clean’

again. In prison I learned from the people with real problems. Unfortunately, that’s also where I was introduced to the Branch Davidians.” “When people know you were in a cult they think you’re crazy,” Charlie relates, “with my connections in the government, the ATF got a hold of me and I told them what I knew. I had friends in there and I didn’t like the path they were going down. After I watched my Waco buddies burning on the news, I nearly drank myself to death. After two DUIs and a second jail stint, I was intent on staying as far away from the limelight as possible.” Slowly, earnestly, with the vigor of a turkey of a much younger feather Charlie committed to change. “I worked at a Bed, Bath and Beyond for twelve years before Penguin Publishing approached me about a book deal. I agreed on the terms that I would get the final say over every last word. All I cared about was letting people know my story from my side of it. And as much as my high school history teacher hated the phrase, that’s how we got to where we are now.” Most of all, Charlie hopes to reach others like him. “There are a million other stories about a million other turkeys,” Charlie chirped with a wizened nod, “but I’m glad you chose to listen to mine. And I hope you enjoy the book.”

9.) The Senile Grandma: On more than one occasion, she’s left the organ bags in the turkey, and you always seem to find an inanimate object in the stuffing that isn’t bone. But no matter how much she screws up the Thanksgiving meal, your grandma is like the Godfather of the family. Respected (and feared) by all. 8.) The Flock of Nieces and Nephews: The mini baby boom in your family generated six cousins all at once. There’s a good chance that you can’t tell any of them apart and will refer to all of them as “buddy” until puberty diversifies them. 7.) The Wise Grandpa: More often than not, your grandpa is the silent observer of the table. So when he speaks, you better listen up, because there’s no record of his advice ever being wrong. Trust us, that man has walked up enough miles of hills there and back to tell it all, dagnabbit. 6.) The Trophy Wife: Along with his new Mercedes, your uncle’s big-busted wife is just another phase of his midlife crisis apart from his abrupt divorce from your aunt. Unfortunately for you, you’ll be hiding a chub all night as you try not fall into her Grand Canyon of a cleavage. 5.) The Ultra-Liberal Cousin: Your cousin likes to play the devil’s advocate as he tries to convince everyone that there’s really nothing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. He’ll bring up the brutal slaughter of Native American tribes and how turkey wasn’t even served at the First Thanksgiving. DO NOT get him started on organized religion... 4.) The Drunk Uncle: Usually, your uncle is already a fifth in by the time the turkey comes out of the oven. He’ll mumble indistinctly throughout dinner until someone brings up politics and he suddenly starts yelling racial profanities. Calm him down with a big slice of pumpkin pie, and let him ramble on about the days before smartphones and organic food. For some extra holiday fun, sit him next to the ultra-liberal geek at the corner of the table. 3.) The Dramatic Aunt: When she’s not trolling your Facebook and leaving the most obnoxious comments ever on your photos, she’s creating outlandish stories about her neighbors at the dinner table and dripping wine onto her blouse. But give her the benefit of the doubt: A lack of eHarmony matches and five cats can take a toll on a person’s self-esteem. 2.) The Significant Other: They’re not really a part of the family… yet. The most you know about him or her is that they met your relative in college and are waiting for the “right time” to tie the knot. But everyone knows they won’t be there by the time Christmas rolls around. 1.) The Sibling Buffer: When the struggles of dealing with your extended family become too much, you can always rely on your siblings to get you out of the most uncomfortable situations. After dinner, you’re better off claiming the couch to talk shit about your relatives with them to avoid any of said inquisitive relatives.

Staff wrote this

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Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What’s one change Purdue could make that you’d be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

KYLE, SENIOR “A good football team.”

ZACK, SENIOR “More bars.”

STEPHEN, FRESHMAN “A longer Thanksgiving break.”

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SPECIAL NIGHT

WEDNESDAY! $0.25 Wings: 9pm - ‘til they’re gone! Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ, $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles, $1.50 Double Wells, $4 32oz B.F.D’s

Everyday: $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

FRIDAY! $3 Any Well Drink $3 Shots, $4 Bombs $12 Well Pitcher 5 for $15 International Beers

TUESDAY! Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart

FRIDAY & SATURDAY: Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room

THURS.

$1 O Bombs $2.50 Long Islands $2.50 Double Wells

$10.99 Steak Night! $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

5 for $15 Corona, Heineken and Dos Equis $12 Margarita and Mojito Pitchers, $2 Tequila Shots $4.25 Long Islands

NFL! Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts $2.25 Domestic Bottles, $4.25 Fishbowls, Well Drinks

THREE DOLLAR THREE OLIVES THURSDAY $1 Coors, $2 Wells and $3 Three Olives $3.75 Long Islands

FRI.

$1 O-Bombs, $5 Double Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $4 Double Wells

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$3 Any Well Drink $3 Shots, $4 Bombs $12 Well Pitcher 5 for $15 International Beers

$3.75 Captain Morgan, $3.25 Miller/Coors 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Blue Moon 24oz Drafts $3 Bazooka Joe & Cherry Bombs, Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts!

$2 Bud/Bud Light Drafts, $15 100oz beer tubes, $12 Bud/ Bud Light buckets, $3 Titos, $4 Jacks and $4 Bacardi Bruce in Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJs main room

SAT.

$1 O-Bombs $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $5 Double Bacardi Mixers $4 Double Wells

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$4.25 Long Islands $3 Shots, $4 Bombs 5 for $12 Domestics $12 Well Pitchers

College Football! Brex Club! $4.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Bud, Bud Light and Rolling Rock 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Goose Island 312 24oz Drafts, $3 Jager Bombs | Breakfast Club Specials: $2.25 Screwdrivers and Bloody Marys, $3 Fireball Breakfast Shots

$3.50 Smirnoff and Captain Morgan, $4 Jacks, $12 Buckets Miller/ Coors, $15 100oz Beer Tube of Miller/Coors Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room

SUN.

$2 Double Well Mixers, $3 U-Call-It Shots & Top Shelf Drinks

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

Open - 6pm, Hooka Freefill (With purchase of an appetizer) $0.50 Wings (Minimum of 6) $2 Domestic Beers $3 Import Beers $4.25 Margaritas and Mojitos

NFL! $15 Domestic Pitcher & Pie, $6.50 Domestic Pitchers, $2.25 Wells, $3 Fireball

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MON.

$1 Double Wells $1.25 18oz Bud Light Btls 50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $3 U-Call-It Shots

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$.50 Wings (Minimum of 6) $3.25 Any Well Drink 5 for $5 Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Coors Light

$1.50 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $2 Coronas, $3 Jager Bomb Cups, $15 Domestic Pitcher + Pie, $4 220z Well Drinks, $5 Red Bull Mixers

TUES.

$2 Double Wells $2 Any Draft $1 O-Bombs

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

5 for $12 Domestic Beers $10 Sangria Pitcher $4 Redbull Vodkas 6pm – Close, Hooka Freefill (With purchase of an appetizer, one per appetizer)

Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart

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WED.

The Bar Grid

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$0.25 Wings: 9pm - ‘til they’re gone! Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles, $1.50 Double Wells, $4 32oz B.F.D’s

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$3.25 Any Well Drink, $2 Domestic Beers & $3 Import Beers $4.25 Daiquiris and Pina Coladas $12 Well Pitchers 6pm – Close, Half off Second Hooka (Limit one per table)

Team Trivia at 9:30pm $2.25 Wells, $1.50 Retro Miller Lite Bottles

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PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

turkey day

Bigoted Relative Mercifully Falls Into Post-Thanksgiving Dinner Food Coma Black Sheep Staff wrote this

The true meaning of Thanksgiving was present this year at the Davis family gathering, where it is reported that the Davis’ had much to be thankful for after bigoted relative Steve Davis fell into a post-dinner food coma.

unrelated conversations to make sure everyone knew that he wished people would just shut up about Michael Sam already and that black people should learn “to stop talking jive” if they wanted to be taken seriously.

Mr. Davis, who fell asleep shortly after consuming two plates of turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, and three glasses of wine, is middle aged, reportedly has a yard sign displayed on his lawn reading, “God Guns and Guts Made My America” and a sticker on the rear windshield of his car showing a dog peeing on the Obama campaign slogan.

Eye-witnesses from the gathering last year tell The Black Sheep that 2013’s outbursts included racial and homophobic slurs, suspicion with Obama’s role in the attack on Pearl Harbor, and referral to fellow family member Josh Davis’s new fiancée Kim Yuang as “Ms. Oriental.”

Arnold Harlow, brother-in-law to Mr. Davis, explained that “We all noticed that he was eating an unhealthy amount of food, we were all disgusted. But I think I speak for the family when I say that any level of disgust that I had from watching him eat did not rival my disgust for his opinions.” Sources claim that had Mr. Davis not fallen victim to the food coma that subdued him, he would likely have continued loudly interrupting

“I think I speak for the family when I say that any level of disgust that I had from watching him eat did not rival my disgust for his opinions.” Family member Sadie Davis said, “My name is Sadie and I’m nine. I know what third trimester abortion is because Uncle Steve told me but my mom says

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that I’m not allowed to talk about it to my friends.” Even the slightest lull in conversation is reportedly seized by Mr. Davis, who fills the momentary silence with a provocation towards political debate. Topics frequented by Mr. Davis are said to include gun control, abortion, Calvinism, the Civil Rights movement, and proper employment opportunities for women. Documented reactions to Mr. Davis’s outburst include awkward laughter, encouraging children to leave the room, and in unfortunate cases, misguided attempts to offer a moderate opinion to Mr. Davis, which last led to the conclusion that “Hitler wanted to take away our guns, too. And they won’t tell you this in the lamestream media, but all the Nazi officials were gays.” The uncomfortable political onslaught was once again set in motion at this year’s gathering, with Mr. Davis explaining the “myth” of the gender pay gap to 12-year-old Todd Davis. However, through what has been described as, “the greatest blessing that has ever come to our family,” Mr. Davis was rendered incapable of delivering

his rant as the meal’s dense caloric intake took hold. Attempting to discuss the ambiguity behind “Barack Hussein Obama’s” birth certificate, only a spray of hateless crumbs was produced from Mr. Davis’ oily lips. Several attempts were made by Mr. Davis to continue his speech, but all were unsuccessful. Mr. Davis,

wide-eyed and red in the face, finally succumbed to the coma brought on by his own gluttony. Carl Davis, nephew to Steve Davis and theater major at University of Southern California, tells The Black Sheep, “This was the best Thanksgiving of my life. This might have been the best day of my life.”

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: Movement and Sports Sciences Favorite Drink: Whiskey Coke • Favorite Shot: Irish breakfast Disgusting Drink: Patron XO What alcohol would be best to spike gravy with, and why?: Whiskey…what’s not good with whiskey? Which Thanksgiving dinner staple needs to be replaced, and with what?: Who uses staplers at Thanksgiving? What do you most like to gobble?: French fries or Chips Three words to describe Purdue’s basketball season: I like Duke. What’s your favorite rumor about Purdue that you’ve heard?: Snus wears New Balances. Which fictional character do you most wish was real, and why?: Hank Moody, he’d be a sweet wingman.

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A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

HOW TO AVOID THE

WORST

QUESTIONS

YOU’LL BE ASKED AT

THANKSGIVING KATELIN HOWELL WROTE THIS

hanksgiving is a special holiday that brings the whole family together to celebrate football, eating and being thankful for all the things we have in our lives. Thanksgiving is also a time when family members you see maybe twice a year ask college students the “typical” college questions. The Black Sheep brings you the most typical questions you hear around the smorgasbord of food, and how to walk the line with your response. Remember, you’re not lying, you’re just telling a modified truth.

Question: “Are you seeing anyone special?” Who’s Asking It: Your aunt on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: Closed-minded family members are worried you’re gay until you get married. What You Should Say: “You know, I’m just so busy with classes that it seems almost impossible to make time for a significant other. I barely have time to make time for myself, let alone someone else.” What You Really Mean: “It takes too much effort to impress someone of the opposite sex at 8 a.m., and that’s just something I can’t handle on a daily basis. The closest relationship I have right now is with Netflix.”

Question: “Are you working at all?” Who’s Asking It: Your uncle on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: Your family wants you to have real-life experiences instead of just going to classes. What You Should Say: “School is really my full-time job, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had some jobs here and there to get some spending money, but I definitely need to focus on my schoolwork more.” What You Really Mean: ”If someone would be willing to hire me for the 90 minutes between me getting home for class and me heading out to hang out with friends, I’d have a job.”

Question: “How are things in that fraternity/sorority of yours?” Who’s Asking It: Your aunt who was in a sorority during her college years. Why It’s Asked: Greek life was different back in the day, but they don’t realize that. What You Should Say: “It’s great! I’ve met a lot of people through philanthropy parties and mixers and I’ve really enjoyed that aspect of it.” What You Really Mean: “Yes, I’ve met a lot of people but I was drunk 98 percent of the time, so I wouldn’t be able to point them out if they were in this room with us right now.”

Question: “How’s that 4.0 coming?” Who’s Asking It: Your 25-year-old cousin who just graduated from law school. Why It’s Asked: Because it’s actually important to get good grades. What You Should Say: “Oh, it’s going really well. I’m working really hard to keep up the As. One day you’ll be working for me!” What You Really Mean: *Uncontrollable laughter* “You’re kidding, right?”

Question: “What do you want to do with an [insert major here] degree?” Who’s Asking It: Your grandmother on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: Life was simpler in the olden days and they can’t imagine how an apparel studies major is a real thing. What You Should Say: “I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’d like to achieve with this degree, but as graduation draws near I’m sure the classes I’ll be taking will prepare me for exactly what I want out of the path I’ve chosen.” What You Really Mean: “Honestly I have no idea what the hell I want to do. Hopefully something here will point me in the right direction. I’ll take whatever job I’m lucky enough to get after I graduate. Can you believe apparel studies is a thing?”

Question: “You’re not getting into all those drugs now, right?” Who’s Asking It: A different uncle on your dad’s side. With a wink. Why It’s Asked: Because they remember college in the 80s. What You Can Say: “I’ve been to parties where there have been drugs around. They way people act while on drugs looks so crazy, I don’t know how people do it regularly.” What You Really Mean: “I’ve done drugs at some of those parties and I act just as crazy as everyone else. Once, I woke up in our school’s fountain in the middle of campus with no pants. I have no idea how I got there. I actually don’t know how people do it regularly.”

Question: “How was the…” *another family member interrupts you* “What a cock-block, am I right?” Who’s Asking It: Your 54-year-old uncle on your mom’s side who tries to act like he’s 19. Why It’s Asked: You’re not really sure what just happened here. What You Should Say: “I’m sorry, what were you gonna say?” What You Really Mean: “What… um… I’m sorry, did you just say cock-block to me?”

Question: “What has been your favorite experience at college so far?” Who’s Asking It: Your dad. Why It’s Asked: This is a trick question to see what kinds of activities you’ve been up to. What You Should Say: “Meeting people who share the same interests as me has been great. I love hanging out with people who accept me and who like to do the same things as me.” What You Really Mean: “Meeting people like me who like to party like me and get as drunk as me. That’s been my favorite experience so far.”

Question: “What are parties like in college?” Who’s Asking It: Your 14-year-old cousin who looks up to you. Why It’s Asked: Little ones are curious about everything. What You Should Say: “They’re not like what you see in the movies. People don’t pass out on the roof and get wild until 4 a.m. Don’t believe everything you see.” What You Really Mean: “It’s a rarity for someone to make it to the roof before they pass out. I did see a girl throw up in her own hair at a Halloween party though, and it wasn’t because she ate too much candy.”

Question: “How are you feeling about the economy? Did you vote in the midterm election?” Who’s Asking It: Your Democratic uncle on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: Because you are the future. What You Can Say: “I really think our economy needs some help, but Obama is doing the best he can in his position. But no, I did not vote in the midterm election because I felt like I didn’t have enough knowledge on the candidates in my state.” What You Really Mean: “I really hate everything about politics, but I don’t want to go into a four-hour discussion with you on something that I don’t care about.”

Question: “Have you found a church at your school?” Who’s Asking It: Your very conservative grandmother on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: If you don’t go to church while in college, according to your conservative grandmother, you’re going to hell. What You Should Say: “There are lots of churches around campus, but usually I spend my Sunday mornings studying or catching up on some sleep.” What You Really Mean: “I usually rage too hard Saturday night so I physically can’t get out of bed before 1 p.m.”

Question: “You better graduate on time! Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.” Who’s Asking It: Your grandfather on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: You’re making your parents poor, and they keep asking your grandparents for money. He’s pissed about it. What You Should Say: “I definitely know how expensive it is! I love college though. It’s been a great experience and it’s going to be really hard leaving it one day.” What You Really Mean: “I’m literally never going to leave college ever.”

THE BACK PAGE

the GETTING DUMPED LIKE A PRO madlib This past weekend, I got dumped. I should have seen it coming, but since I’m usually drinking ___1___ through ___2___, I guess everything was a little fuzzy. The writing was on the wall, but it still hit me like a ton of ___3___ . However, like a strong woman once sang, I will survive. We fell in love - or something like that - during welcome week. I saw ___4___ sitting in his dorm room, with the light of ___5___ on his laptop illuminating his gorgeous face. He was about to shotgun a beer - a ___6___ , my favorite, and I was already smitten. My roommate’s ___7___ ’s cousin from ___8___ suggested we walk in and ask for a chaser for our ___9___ vodka. He said they only had ___10___ , and that’s totes my fave. I shrieked with the excitement of our instant connection, and they invited us in to take shots until we couldn’t stand anymore. I was drunk… and in love. But a few weeks later, in retrospect, is when things started to go downhill. First, he didn’t invite me to dinner in ___11___ on Wednesday - our day - and it was ___12___ night, and he knew I waited all week for that. He also told me that he had to study for ___13___ with ___14___ which totally bummed me out. Later, when I was creeping by his closed door for the 10th time that evening, I heard some annoying girl-laugh and fell into a depression. After much over-analyzing with ___15___ and sipping on ___16___ , we knew what we had to do; we had to Catfish him. But before I could even make a fake Gmail account, I had already passed out. So this past Saturday I did what any normal, insane girl would do; drunkenly freak out on ___17___. He said we had to stop seeing each other when I started going on and on about how his ___18___ eyes wouldn’t match the ___19___ I’d have in my wedding, anyway, plus he’s allergic to cats and I was definitely going to have a ___20___ named ___21___. He said I was “more psycho than ___22___” and left me in the street to go to ___23___. I followed him in there, only to fill a cup with ___24___ and pour it on his head in front of everyone. I felt amazing getting escorted out by the manager, like ___25___ riding a jet-ski in ___26___ and I realized that I would be okay. I would survive, and I will survive.

CLUE BANK 1) Week day 2) Weekend day 3) Building supply 4) Crush's name 5) Social Media site 6) Shitty Beer 7) Relative 8) Nearby town 9) Flavor 10) Type of soda 11) Dorm with a great cafeteria 12) Favorite meal 13) School subject 14) Girl you hate 15) Your high school best friend 16) Type of liquor 17) Main road in town 18) Color 19) Flower 20) Type of cat 21) Awesome cat name 22) Crazy celebrity 23) Late-night food place 24) Soda from #10 25) Badass celebrity 26) Body of water

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