Purdue - Issue 8 - 12/4/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Volume 7 Cards Against Humanity

st Humanity Cards Again

Cards Against Humanity

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A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Burning Man isn’t over, is it?”

THE ALASKAN FIREDRAGON

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

CALLANDER A person who, when on the phone, always manages to think of one more thing to talk about. “…and one more thing,” Erin, a habitual callander, said, “did you hear about Karen last week?”

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Played quarterback for Louisiana Tech.

Made comments to GQ that many perceived as homophobic.

Has a memoir titled, Happy, Happy, Happy.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_PU

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HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Ugly Sweaters for Other Religions (Winter 2014 Catalog) Staff wrote this Concerned you might be invited to an ugly Christmas sweater party but, as a Jesus-hater, haven’t suffered receiving one of grandma’s handmade horrors? Jealous of the ugly, scratchy, moth-ball stench that all your Heaven-bound friends enjoy? Lucky for you, The Black Sheep has exclusive ugly sweaters for every religion, so don’t worry! Attend every ugly sweater party on your block in style with a variety of options to suit every personality. All styles come in a choice of size and color. Shipping and handling not included. Judaism: The ugly sweater and yarmulke combination. The Hanukkah blue sweater will thrill this season with LED menorah lights, embroidered dreidels, and for those going for a more Hasidic vibe, a shtreimel for to complete the look. The matching yarmulke adds a touch of class with nine real candles. Grow out those payots and you’ll be sure to stun this holiday season! Kwanzaa: You’re a trendsetter. You

don’t confuse ethnic festivals with religious celebrations. You deserve a red, black, and green patterned shortsleeved button-up with embroidered kinara. Your catchphrase is “No, it’s not the black people version of Hanukkah, don’t worry.” Muslim: An ugly hijab is your friend this winter! You’ll be nice and cozy with a wool veil adorned with crocheted Islamic crescents and absolutely zero depictions of Muhammad, praise be unto him. This sweater is the perfect ratio of itchy to fashionable, and everyone will be jealous of how warm your head is this holiday season. Just don’t let it fall off in public, ladies! Sikh: An ugly turban will turn heads this holiday season! The tinsel turban is the perfect blend of shiny and modest, combined with an exclusive glow-inthe-dark lace and flashing party lights, your head will be the best dressed at the party. “Not a Muslim” cross-stitching option available for additional cost.

Scientologist: Our designers created the ultimate sweater for the avid scientologist this season, showing the entire history of Xenu, from 75 million years ago to today. The story is so long that this style is only available in XXL, and the designers who created them have mysteriously disappeared. Each order comes shipped with a sealed DVD copy of Battlefield Earth. Only one left in stock! Buddhist: Desire for material possessions is discouraged. Seek pleasure beneath the threads, not along them. Exclusive second-hand Nirvana t-shirts from a local Goodwill will be available at a discount rate! Hindu: An ugly sweater depicting lord Krishna and lord Vishnu come in exquisite embroidery. Scenes from the Kama Sutra in cross-stitch ensure you’ll be the life of the party and will never go home alone! Be careful, though, because your partner may expect much more out of you after reading

the stitching across your back. Satanist: Black is the new black! This is a black sweater covered in blood with embroidered upside-down crosses and flashing red LED lights. Variations are also available: a regular Christmas sweater with mustaches sharpied on baby Jesus, a sweater featuring Mary Magdalene getting her heart ripped out by a misguided phoenix, and a sweater of the Holy Trinity (highly flammable). Atheist: No sweater available at the moment; however, if you purchase any other sweater, you’ll receive a

complimentary superiority complex and a signed photo of Carl Sagan. Also available: see “Satanist” options above. If anything in this season’s catalog is triggering the ol’ “Halloween-tier offensiveness” siren in your head, remember that a $10 sweater featuring a cartoon polar bear from Walmart may work just the same. After all, ugly Christmas sweater parties have about as much to do with Christianity as an anthropomorphic rabbit hiding eggs for children, so bending the rules of your own religious denomination shouldn’t be too much to ask for, right?

NOVEMBER NO MO’

Millions of Beard Remains Found Dead in Sinks Staff wrote this

Police across the nation are reporting the deaths of millions of beards since December began. On the first of the month, widespread reports of beard remains littered everywhere began to surface. The scraggly corpses of facial hair were found in the clogged sinks of freshly-shaven men by their roommates. Investigation is still under way, but many suspect the beards to be victims of an annual sacrificial tradition coming at the climax of an event called “No Shave November.” The mass murder of beards on such a scale is nothing new. For the past several years, large quantities of beard hair have been found in sinks during early December, leading several to believe there’s a pattern to these killings. New evidence suggests that the men responsible for No Shave November (and the ensuing execution of innocent beards) are part of a cult, known as “Movember.” Below is a picture of one mutilated beard found at a crime scene in West Lafayette, sitting in a shallow grave. *Warning: The following image is graphic. Children and those with a weak heart are advised to look away.

THE TOP TEN

Most Hellacious Group Members Sure, splitting one teensy project 3-to-6 ways sounds like cake! That is, until you see each turdy group member slowly squeeze their way out from the filthy bowels of Purdue Pete himself with the sole intention of ruining your faith in humanity. If you’re going to have any hope of clawing your way out of the fiery pit that is your final group project, take a look at these top 10 group members and prepare accordingly. 10.) Josef Stalin: The whole Soviet Union thing didn’t really go according to plan, now, Ol’ Joe’s back from the grave to try his luck in a smaller setting. This group member will silence all in his path until achieving total takeover. Suggest the group put all matters to a vote to set this sassy dictator back in his place. 9.) The Ice Breaker: The awkward silence and lack of pressure to make conversation with this amorphous group of hooligans is the best and most charming part about group projects! We don’t need you in here with your name games, suggesting our next meeting take place at the bowling ally, Ice Breaker. Save that shit for your prayer group, you friendly bastard, you. 8.) The Anal Prolapse: Look it up. Then just sort of apply everything you learned about this medical condition to a person’s personality, and there ya go! 7.) The Nontraditional Student: These are the grown-ass adults whose mid-life crises compelled them to go back and give college the ol’ college try. We get it, you’re old and wise. But all that wisdom you earned from your 31 years of managing an Arby’s or raising a kid isn’t going to help us give a 20-minute speech about South American dances. 6.) The Stoner: Notice this guy strolling in 15 minutes late with a bag of Munchies in hand, laughing to himself about the name of his preferred snack, and prepare to reject multiple attempts to relate your project to the legalization of marijuana. 5.) The "Email it to Me and I’ll Put it all Together” Guy: Email the damn thing and feel the relief of a lightened load. Then, weeks later, question why that condescending bastard didn’t think you could handle the work. Adjust to life of insecurity.

“We’ve been trying to track down these sick freaks for as long as I can remember,” said one campus police officer. “Basically, these guys spend the whole month of November not shaving their beards. Some of them grow out beards that are quite disgusting, and others, simply unimpressive. And at the end of the month, they get out a blade and decapitate their facial hair one by one. In my personal opinion, these men have been brainwashed. Nobody would do this shit unless their brains were scrambled.” Investigators hypothesize that members of the Movember cult use the month of November to grow out their beards as a symbol of their masculinity. Against the will of their girlfriends, their wives, and anybody with the gift of sight, men throughout the world compete to see who can display the hairiest monstrosity on their face. Then at the beginning of the next month, when the beards have outlived their purpose, they become sacrificed to the gods. This ritual is suspected to be offered in the hopes of an even greater “harvest” next November. “Yeah, I do No Shave November each year,” said one of the deranged cult lunatics. “It’s pretty fun, and it’s for a good cause. My girlfriend says she won’t kiss me when I have my beard, but I like having one, even though my mustache doesn’t connect with the rest of it.” It’s a heartbreaking and tragic situation for all involved, including those whose loved ones have been brainwashed by Movember. “I just wish I could have the old Robby back,” stated the girlfriend of one cult member. “I loved him so much before he drank the No Shave November Kool-Aid! But ever since he got the idea of growing the biggest beard possible, it’s been as if I’m dating a whole different guy. I don’t even recognize him anymore.” Thousands of men have already been arrested for the grotesque murder of their beards, and many more are expected to see a jail cell as well. Authorities are working night and day to bring Movember to justice. The power of the organization has proven to be so pervasive that even men who had nothing to do with the beard slaughter are identifying with the organization. “I did No Shave November, and all I got was a little peach fuzz,” said one member. “I’m 20 years old, and after a month, I still can’t grow a beard. Seriously, what the fuck?”

4.) The Sorority Girl: She has a super important cooler to paint beer and American flags on, so she just can’t even. And you literally just need to understand that. 3.) The Empty Seat: There was a guy assigned to your group who remains unseen by anyone. It’s possible that he dropped the class, is effectively avoiding this misfit group of lowlifes, or doesn’t exist and is concrete proof that your teacher doesn’t give two shits about this 100-level class. All you know is, there are 5 seats, 4 butts, and someone’s doing twice as much work. 2) The Athlete: This guy acts like he just cured cancer when he puts a slide together. Perhaps it’s a result of one too many hard hits on the gridiron, but nonetheless, he’s a detriment to the academic team. Beware of making too many time commitments with this stud, because he’s so popular he just can’t seem to pencil you in until after the homework. But, he will tell you how to spell his name correctly so he gets his fair share of credit. GO TEAM!!! 1.) You: You’re no ray of sunshine yourself there, bud. Just sitting in the back with folded arms, callously judging everyone in your group. Get a life.

Staff wrote this

ON THE STREETS

the madlib SITTING ON SANTA’S LAP

What do you wish you had told yourself the first day of the semester?

KRISTY, JUNIOR “That I was going to be poor this semester and needed more money.”

Hey there, ya big, tubby bowl of __(1)__, how ya doing? If you are who you say you are, you know I haven’t come by the mall to talk to you since I was __(2)__, but it’s been a rough year, and I really need you to knock Christmas out of the park this year.

NICK, JUNIOR “To better prepare for the winter.”

Let me start by saying, is that a __(3)__in your pocket, or you just happy to see me? Seems so __(4)__ I could hang an ornament off it, am I right, you big, virile badass? This year I’m going to want a __(5)__, but not one of the cheap ones, one with plenty of __(6)__and __(7)__and everything. I actually have one on my Amazon Wish List, so just log in and check it out. I’m also going to want a __(8)__, a bottle of __(9)__and a lifetime supply of __(10)__. Hey fat man, don’t give me that look, that elf over there told me this is a __(11)__free zone. It’s not just that I want a lot of good stuff, I think my family deserves what’s comin’ to them, too. Get my mom a __(12)__for that time she didn’t get me a __(13)__for Christmas in 2003. Get my sister a __(14)__to remind her of the time she told my mom about __(15)__ in the basement when I was in high school. Karma’s a bitch, aye __(16)__? Finally, get my stepdad Todd a nice big pile of __(17)__. Just ‘cause you get to stuff it in my mom doesn’t mean you get to enjoy the holiday spirit, not with me around. Sorry you jolly bastard, there’s a flock of moms giving me the side-eye over there, so I’ll hop off to let a little __(18)__ hop on and __(19)__on your outfit. Sure you’ll love that. Also, Santa, remember, you better get me everything, I know where you live, and I will __(20)__you.

CLUE BANK 1. Kind euphemism for fat 2. Age you last visited a mall Santa 3. Christmas item 4. Adjective 5. Expensive present 6. Feature on #5 7. Feature found on #5 8. Cheap present 9. Something that comes in a bottle 10. Noun

11. Noun 12. Bad gift 13. Hot 2003 Christmas items 14. Karmic gift 15. Illicit high school activity 16. Sister name 17. Something gross 18. Small child synonym 19. Expulsion of bodily fluid 20. Verb

ERIN, SENIOR “Don’t be intimidated by your senior year. Yes, your time here is quickly flying by, but make sure to make the most of it.”

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SPECIAL NIGHT

WEDNESDAY! $0.25 Wings: 9pm - ‘til they’re gone! Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ, $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles, $1.50 Double Wells, $4 32oz B.F.D’s

Everyday: $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

FRIDAY! $3 Any Well Drink $3 Shots, $4 Bombs $12 Well Pitcher 5 for $15 International Beers

TUESDAY! Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart

FRIDAY & SATURDAY: Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room

THURS.

$1 O Bombs $2.50 Long Islands $2.50 Double Wells

$10.99 Steak Night! $0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

5 for $15 Corona, Heineken and Dos Equis $12 Margarita and Mojito Pitchers, $2 Tequila Shots $4.25 Long Islands

NFL! Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts $2.25 Domestic Bottles, $4.25 Fishbowls, Well Drinks

THREE DOLLAR THREE OLIVES THURSDAY $1 Coors, $2 Wells and $3 Three Olives $3.75 Long Islands

FRI.

$1 O-Bombs, $5 Double Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $4 Double Wells

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$3 Any Well Drink $3 Shots, $4 Bombs $12 Well Pitcher 5 for $15 International Beers

$3.75 Captain Morgan, $3.25 Miller/Coors 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Blue Moon 24oz Drafts $3 Bazooka Joe & Cherry Bombs, Free Hotdogs, Popcorn and Peanuts!

$2 Bud/Bud Light Drafts, $15 100oz beer tubes, $12 Bud/ Bud Light buckets, $3 Titos, $4 Jacks and $4 Bacardi Bruce in Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJs main room

SAT.

$1 O-Bombs $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $5 Double Bacardi Mixers $4 Double Wells

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$4.25 Long Islands $3 Shots, $4 Bombs 5 for $12 Domestics $12 Well Pitchers

College Football! Brex Club! $4.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Bud, Bud Light and Rolling Rock 24oz Drafts, $4.25 Goose Island 312 24oz Drafts, $3 Jager Bombs | Breakfast Club Specials: $2.25 Screwdrivers and Bloody Marys, $3 Fireball Breakfast Shots

$3.50 Smirnoff and Captain Morgan, $4 Jacks, $12 Buckets Miller/ Coors, $15 100oz Beer Tube of Miller/Coors Bruce in the Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJ main room

SUN.

$2 Double Well Mixers, $3 U-Call-It Shots & Top Shelf Drinks

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

Open - 6pm, Hooka Freefill (With purchase of an appetizer) $0.50 Wings (Minimum of 6) $2 Domestic Beers $3 Import Beers $4.25 Margaritas and Mojitos

NFL! $15 Domestic Pitcher & Pie, $6.50 Domestic Pitchers, $2.25 Wells, $3 Fireball

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MON.

$1 Double Wells $1.25 18oz Bud Light Btls 50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $3 U-Call-It Shots

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$.50 Wings (Minimum of 6) $3.25 Any Well Drink 5 for $5 Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Coors Light

$1.50 Bud/Bud Light Bottles, $2 Coronas, $3 Jager Bomb Cups, $15 Domestic Pitcher + Pie, $4 220z Well Drinks, $5 Red Bull Mixers

TUES.

$2 Double Wells $2 Any Draft $1 O-Bombs

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

5 for $12 Domestic Beers $10 Sangria Pitcher $4 Redbull Vodkas 6pm – Close, Hooka Freefill (With purchase of an appetizer, one per appetizer)

Euchre at 9pm $1 Off All Crafts & Microbrews, $2.50 Bacardi and Bacardi Oakheart

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WED.

The Bar Grid

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$0.25 Wings: 9pm - ‘til they’re gone! Mild, Ass-Burner, Spicy Garlic & Hawaiian BBQ $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles, $1.50 Double Wells, $4 32oz B.F.D’s

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$3.25 Any Well Drink, $2 Domestic Beers & $3 Import Beers $4.25 Daiquiris and Pina Coladas $12 Well Pitchers 6pm – Close, Half off Second Hooka (Limit one per table)

Team Trivia at 9:30pm $2.25 Wells, $1.50 Retro Miller Lite Bottles

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CURRENT EVENTS

Clever Purdue Professor Jokes that “Winter is Coming” to Better Connect With Students Staff wrote this

After the first taste of the bitterly cold and agonizingly long winter that is to come, students at the University of Kentucky have been running on fumes, and are already showing up at class with the glazed look in their eyes as if they had smoked for 40 hours straight – a practice usually saved for finals week. One clever and semi-culturally relevant physics professor, Michael Dixon, sought to break the zombie-like trance his students had been in by using one of his limited pop culture references stored in his arsenal.

make a few of my students chuckle. I feel like that line is a hit!”

“Don’t forget your exam next week and be sure to bundle up,” Professor Dixon snickered at the end of his Monday, 8 a.m. Physics 101 class. “...Winter is coming.”

After no students laughed or made so much as an awkward sigh, Dixon was visibly distraught. While the class was working on an assignment, Dixon reportedly pulled up ratemyprofessor.com and saw students had already started posting about his overuse of the joke. After reading one that stated, “Professor Dixon sucks Khaleesi’s dragon’s ballz. Get better jokez old man,” the out-of-touch professor researched other pop culture references having to do with winter.

A few students chuckled at the Game of Thrones reference as they packed up their bags. Dixon, however, took this as a sign that he was “in” with the younger generation now. “I’ve never even seen Game of Thrones, but I’ve just heard the reference and knew it was from some popular show about dragons and incest,” stated Professor Dixon as he scrolled through the /r/AdviceAnimals subreddit. “I’m just glad I could

The next day in class, Dixon reportedly said, “winter is coming” 17 times during lecture, even in situations where it made no sense. “Alright so the formula for velocity is total distance traveled over total time taken, does anyone know why?” Professor Dixon questioned during class. “No one? Alright, well it’s because WINTER IS COMING.”

The next time class met, Dixon shook with excitement over the next winter-themed pop culture joke he was going to make. As he started lecture, Professor Dixon told his students that

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_PU

there would be no homework assigned for Thanksgiving break, to the tune of the popular M ariah Carey song “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” “I don’t know much about physics, but there is just one thing I need, I don’t care about my grades for PHYS 101 at UK,” Dixon serenaded the class, standing on desks. “All I want for Christmas is a break from YOUUUUU, baby!”

classroom in utter shock, disgust, and confusion by the aged reference as he continued to gyrate himself on a metal candy cane.

As he finished the last part of the song, disco balls and strobe lights reportedly started going off in the classroom, and Dixon ripped off his suit to reveal a skimpy Santa Claus outfit much like the one Mariah wears in the music video. Students fled the

“I hope you all enjoyed my little Thanksgiving treat, and remember how hip good old Professor Dixon is!” he called out to students amidst the frenzy of everyone trying to leave at the same time. “Remember one last thing, winter is coming!”

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 5 ou

1) December Dates: What award, named after the eponymous man’s death, is given yearly on his birthday, December 10th? 2) Hanukkah: How many days is Hanukkah celebrated? 3) Christmas Carols: What famous carol contains the lines, “Not only green when summer’s here/ But also when it’s cold and drear”?

6) Candy: Peppermint is a hybrid mint, a cross between watermint and what other kind of mint? 7) 2015: What 80s classic has a trio arriving to October 21st, 2015? 8) The Bible: According to the Bible, in what city was Jesus born?

4) Fad Gifts: Christmas 2004 saw Billy, who sang, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” What was Billy?

9) Festivus: The Festivus Feats of Strength ends when this happens to the head of the household.

5) Holiday Movies: This 2003 holiday Christmas hit originally had Jim Carrey attached to play the lead role.

10) New Year’s Eve: What city hosts an annual “Peach Drop” on New Year’s Eve?

Brian’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Nobel Prize 2) 11 3) No answer 4) Big mouth bass 5) Elf 5) Spearmint 7) A Christmas Story 8) Bethlehem 9) Gets drunk 10) Atlanta

1) Nobel Prize 2) Eight 3) “O Christmas Tree” 4) Bass, or Big Mouth Bass 5) Elf 6) Spearmint 7) Back to the Future II 8) Bethlehem 9) He or she is pinned 10) Atlanta

BRIAN MOORE OF NEON CACTUS

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

WINTER WARMTH

EXTRA DEEP DISH PIZZA

So, you think you’re getting roped into a nice, tipsy drunk tonight, the kind that has you feelin’ real good inside? Very wrong. You’re going to need a lot of alcohol to numb your body from this frigid weather. Trust us, alcohol is the coziest blanket to keep you warm in this polar plunge, and we know you’ll be thanking us later.

Nothing warms the heart in this weather more than a deep dish pizza. This might not be restaurant quality, but hey, let’s just pretend you had enough foresight to call the ole pie shop before you got high.

What You’ll Need: A handle of cheap vodka and a campus full of people who give you reasons to drink. Level of Intoxication: Enough to make you think it’s appropriate to walk outside in just a shirt and pants and feel fine. How to Play: Post up at your window and take a pull from the handle when: - You see a basic white bitch wearing UGGs. Take two if it’s a dude. - You see somebody wipeout on ice or snow. Didn’t teach “walking” where yer from, huh? - You see a person wearing so much clothing you can’t see their skin. - You think you should have a snow day, but the administration snows on your parade and announces class is still on. - You see that one dude who thinks he’s too cool for the Mother Nature and wears shorts and a t-shirt outside. - There’s an attempt at a snowman, igloo, or a snow penis. Whatever works for you, man. - You see a foreigner (west coast student) questioning what snow really is.

What You’ll Need: A frozen pizza (hell no, we aren’t making jack shit from scratch), a 5 lb. bag of cheese of your choice, and whatever other toppings your heart desires. Fatty Factor: Enough to clog your arteries. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. - Unwrap the frozen pizza and drop handfuls of cheese all over it. - If you have any extra toppings, start layering them between cheese like you would taco dip. - If there’s anything still left in the bag of cheese, empty it onto the pizza. Don’t you remember it’s supposed to be extra deep? - Throw that work of art in the oven. Doesn’t matter if it’s not done preheating, just eyeball it. You’re smart; you go to college to learn good. - Anxiously wait for the best thing that you could ever stuff in your mouth. Probably 22 minutes or somethin’. - When it’s done, GET EXCITED, but don’t forget to grab oven mitts. If you don’t have any, winter gloves are a good substitute.

The Game Ends When: You can’t feel the icicles hanging off your body when you streak around campus. You’ve seen The Shining, right?

We all know you won’t be able to wait until it cools to try it so take a bite, inevitably scorching the top of your mouth, but don’t say we didn’t warn ya’. If you’re lactose intolerant, just locate the nearest bathroom.

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A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

What’s the best way for you to

procrastinate for finals week?

A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

The BluzzSheed 5 pieces of coal that don’t give a damn about gender roles

If your New Year’s resolutions were inspirational posters

1) “I like playing Barbies and football.”

“No more one night stands, unless he’s an 8.”

2) “Make yourself a goddamn sandwich.”

3) “Just because my ass looks good does not mean you can catcall me.”

“Starting tomorrow, every time my mom calls me fat she gets one less grandkid.” “I’m finally going to tell my boss to take a stick and shove it up his ass.”

4) “I don’t need to be a woman to enjoy the feel of satin panties on my ass.” 5) “This is a unisex miniskirt.”

“If we’re both still single this time next year let’s just have sex with each other.”

“I’m cutting down on drinking until I can get sloppy off three shots again.”

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WHAT DID YOU GIVE WEE BABY JESUS FOR CHRISTMAS? 1) To you, organized religion is… a) The Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. b) Religion, man, is all around us, man. There is no God. We are god. c) An anachronism of a time past meant to instill fear in those a patriarchal establishment direly wanted to oppress. 2) So, is Christmas a pretty big deal to you? a) Well, if you think exploiting sweatshop labor in third-world countries is a reason for a bunch of spoiled white people to celebrate, sure. b) AS LONG AS YOU’RE KEEPIN’ THE CHRIST IN THERE, SINNER. c) Leafy green season is dank as shit, bro. 3) Then, on Christmas Eve we can find you… a) Chillin’ with the Chet-meister waiting for the rest of the brodeo to show up so the foosball tournament can begin. b) In somber reflection of what a poor carpenter has done for all of us. c) Cackling wryly at Christians lamenting the co-opting of a religious holiday by big business, when they first took over a Pagan holiday to spread their message.

4) When Great Aunt Millie gives you a novelty sombrero for a gift because she’s on a fixed income and it’s all she can afford, you… a) Are reminded just how screwed up the system is. Will there even be Social Security when you retire? b) Text your buddy Lak-Lak about putting together a sombrer-hos party as soon as you’re back at school. c) Smile politely, setting it aside as you consider the nearest clothing donation center to your house. 5) If Jesus were to return to Earth today, he’d probably… a) Lament the state of religion in modern society. b) Be awful freakin’ hungry, bro. c) Be one’a them anti-vaxxers.

6) When you realize that Jesus’ dad wasn’t around much as a child, it makes you think… a) Man, I talk to invisible voices in my head all the time, and I’m doing just fine. b) It doesn’t matter, plenty of studies show that non-biological fathers, if around at a young enough age, are a plenty good surrogate for real dads. c) You’re wrong, his dad is everywhere always. He’s here right now. 7) Discrepancies in the Bible tell you… a) That mistakes happen, dude. Last week me and the guys argued for three hours whether Dylan’s still a virgin if he had buttsex. b) That God tests our faith. It’s not the exact words, but the messages they deliver. c) It’s as legitimate a piece of text as Go, Dog Go. 8) When you first saw this quiz, you thought… a) One of those gifts is going to be a weed reference. This is amateur hour. b) I hope I’m whatever the weed reference is! c) Someone start this paper on fire, these people are sinners.

ANSWERS 8-13: Gold: Because earthly treasures matter not to you, you decided to bring the wee baby Jesus some gold. It feels a little bit like you’re trying to buy your way into Heaven, but if it’s in the Bible, then it must be ok. 14-19: Frankincense: You would’a brought the little guy some rolling papers too, but the 7-Eleven in Bethlehem just sold out of them. Still, that guy with his mom is a carpenter, so he’ll be able to fashion a pipe outta something. 20-24: Myrrh: No one really knows what this stuff is, but it doesn’t matter—you’ll save the good presents for fictional characters you actually care about.

answer key 1) A-1 B-2 C-3 2) A-3 B-1 C-2 3) A-2 B-1 C-3 4) A-3 B-2 C-1

5) A-1 B-2 C-3 6) A-2 B-3 C-1 7) A-2 B-1 C-3 8) A-3 B-2 C-1

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