The Black Sheep “A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
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Volume 18, Issue 15 Month of May, 2011
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Inside 04
The Great Dorito Taste Test:
The Black Sheep Investigates 24 Hours in IHOP: My Journey
All Doritos are created equal, but some Doritos are more equal than others...
the pancakes wrote this The following is a recollection of true events from 5:00PM Saturday the 26th to 7:00AM Sunday the 27th. Enjoy!
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The Eight Faces of Bruce Weber:
Seven of them are handsome, or so his mom tells him...
21
we interview:
Danny McBride and David Gordon Green
5:00PM: I have entered IHOP with my roommate. I have in my possession 2 5-Hour Energy shots, $25 dollars in cash, house shoes and a notebook. My plan is to stay here for 24 hours and simply survive. I have heard that many unspeakable horrors take place here and I plan to record them. My waitress has been tipped off to my mission, however she’s cool with it, so I will move ahead. I order all-you-caneat pancakes. I plan to take advantage of the all-you-can-eat deal and feed myself for as long as possible for as little as possible. 5:30PM: I have conducted my first interview of an employee with several tattoos who looks like she’d cut a bitch. She tells me the story of her worst customer who was an old woman that is now deceased. She would order crispy chicken strips every time without the crispy but would have employees read the entire menu to her anyway because she claimed she was blind and would never tip. I laugh at her annoyance. My meal has arrived.
7:00PM: I have entered a food coma. I am unable to say more than three words without taking a breath. This native diet has left me sluggish and tired. Thankfully, a friend has smuggled in two shots of Jim Beam for me to make it through the night. I will attempt to last more than ten minutes before taking them but I can make no promises. My shirt is moist. I’m not sure if I’m sweating or lactating. This amount of breakfast food is beginning to have unknown side effects on me. 8:00PM: I have taken my first poop and to my chagrin it is a single bathroom. It looks like someone has given birth in here. I have now heard every single song on the IHOP playlist. It is a loop of only fifteen songs ranging from “Fireflies” to “Benny and the Jets.” 10:00PM: I have now memorized the lyrics to “Benny and the Jets” and can already feel my grasp on reality slipping since my company left. I have named the
salt shaker D-Dawg (after my barber) and the pepper shaker Professor Nipples. They share a humble flat in the hills. They are quite the saucy pair.
10:40PM: The manager has found out what I am doing and instead of being confrontational he is more excited than I am. I guess because of my youthful vigor I embody all his failed hopes and dreams. Unfortunately he has found out I am a comedian and has told me a horrible joke claiming that “I could totally use it if I want to.” I almost wish he had kicked me out. 11:00PM: The manager has just tried to instruct someone who knows two sentences of English how to bus tables. This unfortunate kid has what I deem “The Mexican Mullet.” I feel the other busboy’s eyes staring at me, willing me to just leave already. He wants to clean my table but he is unsure of what to do. I’m proud of the sticky syrupy mess on my table, and I’ll be damned if he tries to take that away from me.
12:00AM: They have changed the radio station at last, but it has switched to a country station. I am now truly in hell. The graveyard staff has entered the IHOP and I decide to classify them as such: obnoxious laugh girl, washout/bad humor manager, sassy black girl, trailer park fat girl. There are 4 drunk middle-aged creeper guys behind me. Sassy black girl is taking their orders and decides to sass them; they love it. They claim one of their friends has abandoned them for pussy and send the betrayer pictures of people holding a napkin sign they made saying, “You are dead to us.” Sassy black girl agrees to hold the sign. 12:40AM: Finally, rap music. I am now motivated. I have concluded the interviews and have found out that if IHOP were a real person they would either be: “an accountable truck driver, a fat maid dripping in honey, or Chef from South Park.” I have also found that if a pancake could talk, people would still eat it because: “I’d blow that shit up, I don’t take no sass, and only if it was lippy.”
CONTINUED ON PAGE 19...
In This Issue
09: The Cheapskate’s Guide to College Eating Hey, some people can’t even afford ramen. Yes, really.
06: MTD Bus Signs
07: Dave’s Mom is Coming!
They’ll tell you anything you want to know, except for when the bus will be there.
Bro, she can totally come in my frat house, if you know what I mean..
15: Party Pics
18: Ask A Minority
What have your peers been up to?
We sit down and talk with a Ginger about...well, being a Ginger...
Pg 22: Alma Mater Seek n’ Find
18: Top 10:
Our wonderful lady is hiding some stuff from you, can you find it?
Things You Don’t Want to Hear Coming from Your Bathroom
17: Are You Smarter Than
Pg 4: From the Streets
Our Managing Editor, Quinn Meyers?
05: Sex & the CU
Your roommate’s sex sounds: What they really mean.
What’s your favorite campus building to poop in?
14: My Totally Awesome Spring Break It all happened, no matter what anyone else told you.
08: Intramurals
The broad spectrum of futility is on full display.
WIN TICKETS TO THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS! Answer This: The New Pornographers named themselves after a movie made in what country, and in what year?
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Send it Here: tix@theblacksheeponline.com Win This: 2 Tickets to the show at Canopy Club on May 28th
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We’ll send you an "awesome" prize and publish it right here next month if you think of the best one... Email your wiseass comments to captions@theblacksheeponline.com
So...the girls all ha ve 2 40s, and the dude has 1? W an idea how this e e have nded...
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Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Relusional: Definition: The recurring belief that some day in the near future Illinois will become a powerhouse football team. Sentence: Did you see that 54-yard touchdown catch by A.J. Jenkins? Insight Bowl, here we come! eRECTORY: Definition: A sub-section of a cell phone’s contact list used only for booty calls. Sentence: “Dude, I called everyone in my erectory and no one picked up. Let’s just go back, order a pizza and jerk each other off.”
Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets
04
What's your favorite campus building to poop in?
brendan wrote this
the great doritos taste test
All Doritos are equal, but some Doritos are more equal than others. -George Orwell, Dorito Farm (1945)
Overall Ranking
What is a Dorito exactly? According to the ingredients on the back of the bag, a Dorito is little more than whole corn, vegetable oil, corn maltodextrin, and an assortment of horrifying chemicals that give said Dorito its flavor. But it is these very chemicals that pit Dorito against brother Dorito, each chip using its own unique blend of subtle spices and seasonings to fight its way atop the Dorito hierarchy. But which is best? And how to tell? With that idea in mind, The Great Dorito Taste Test was born. The goal is simple enough: to locate and consume as many flavors of Dorito as possible in an attempt to rank the Doritos in an unbiased, objective manner. We started this search for delicious Doritos flavors by sending a request for sample Doritos to Frito-Lay. After Janet Hoppe, the Public Relations woman for Frito-Lay, rejected our offer outright, we took the next logical step: we went and bought a shitload of Doritos. To ensure our test captured the full breadth of the Doritos spectrum, we visited several grocery stores and gas stations in the Chicagoland area. At one point when we were buying ten bags of Doritos at a 7-11, a crotchety old man looked at us disapprovingly and muttered “Someone’s got the munchies.” This, of course, made us self-conscious. We weren’t even high yet. In all, we ended up with twelve Doritos flavors ranging the gamut from the classics like Nacho Cheese, to the exotic Spicy Nacho, to the most lame, Baked Doritos: Nacho Cheese. The experiment was conducted blindly, the taste test participants left the room as our control, Larry, poured the chips into numbered bowls; we didn’t want our Doritos prejudices getting in the way of a fair and accurate taste test. The testing would have three participants, your dear writer, his roommate Curly, and his roommate/control, Larry. Curly and I, not knowing which Dorito was which, would taste first, comment, rank, and guess which flavor we though the chip was. After this, Larry would taste the Dorito in question and offer his own commentary and ranking. Because we wanted to examine the full potential of each Doritos flavor, the scoring breakdown was as follows: Overall Flavor (On a 0-10 scale): Overall flavor is self-explanatory, it describes the general tastiness of the chip, whether or not it was satisfying, filling or appealing to the senses. Spiciness (On a 1-5 scale): Spiciness is…uh…also self-explanatory, though it is important to note that a low spiciness ranking is not always detrimental to the overall flavor of a chip. Rather, it is a simple ranking of the chip’s spiciness. Long-term Tastability (On a 1-5 scale): This ranking aims to accurately reflect how many of a certain flavor of Dorito the tester can see himself eating over a long period of time. If a Dorito loses its appeal after the third chip, then it’s a Dorito that needs work, dammit. We must remind you that these rankings only compare Doritos to other Doritos, not to something gross like Funyuns. Or your mother's meatloaf, which tastes delicious. Now, ladies and gentlemen, onto the rankings:
Overall Flavor
Spiciness
Long-Term Tastability
12. Baked Doritos: Nacho Cheese
4
.67
1.7
11. Late Night: Last Call Jalapeno Poppers
5.3
3.3
1.7
10. Late NIght: Tacos at Night
6
2.3
2.3
9. Cool Ranch
6.7
1
2
8. Zesty Taco
7
2.3
2.3
7. Spicy Sweet Chili
7.7
3
2.3
6. Ranch
7.7
1
3.7
5. Pizza Cravers
7.7
2.3
3.7
4. Spicy Nacho
7.7
2.3
3.7
3. Chipotle Ranch
8
1.7
5
2. Nacho Cheese
8.7
1.7
5
1. Blazin' Buffalo Ranch
8.7
3.7
3.7
Notice that Spicy Sweet Chili, Ranch, Pizza Cravers and Spicy Nacho all tied with a 7.7 Overall Ranking, while Nacho Cheese and Blazin’ Buffalo Ranch tied for first with an 8.7 Overall Ranking. For the tiebreaker, we used the combined scores for Spiciness and Long-Term Tastability to decide overall rank, as a chip that scores highly in multiple categories deserves to be ranked over a less balanced chip. In all, the whole testing process made a lot of sense. There is a strong correlation between overall ranking and Long-Term Tastability that shows tasty Doritos generally remain tasty for long snacking sessions. The number seven Dorito, Spicy Sweet Chili, adds further proof. While it was rated highly overall, its lack of deliciousness sustainable ultimately placed it towards the middle of the pack. There are also several interesting observations worth making when one looks at this experiment. First, note that spiciness had little correlation with overall score. The highest-rated chip, Blazin’ Buffalo Ranch, had a slightly higher Spiciness rating than the Jalapeno Popper chips, the lowest-rated real Dorito flavor. This proves two things. First, that the testers were not pussies. Second, that spiciness does not make or break a chip. Also of note is the dispersion of the ranch flavors throughout the rankings. Out of the four ranch-themed chips, they were rated ninth, sixth, third and first, proving that one Dorito theme doesn’t dominate over others. Finally, one must take note of the Pizza Cravers Dorito. Pizza Craver captured fifth place even though no tester had tried it before. This makes an obvious statement: the Pizza Craver Dorito deserves a place among the full-time Dorito lineup, as it is delicious, bold and exotic. Though we’ve mentioned it before, it’s important to understand that all Doritos are good Doritos, and they are worthy of your honor and respect. Few things in life are perfect, but these powder-coated abominations of science come awful close.
“English building, it's discreet.” Nick G., Junior
"Third floor, Natural History Building. I feel like I'm pooping in Hogwarts." Ben K., Sophomore
"Jimmy John's on Lincoln" Paulius D., Sophomore
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SEX
05
Sex Sounds . . .
Sounds of Love?
doesn’t know how to react to such extreme ends of the spectrum. So to stop herself from being rude, she just innocently giggles like she’s never seen a penis before. He’ll just think she is being shy, when in reality she's trying to hide some intense emotions. For example, if it’s super small, she will say something like “ohh teheheh it’s so cute... hhehe.” If he’s hung like a fire hose, it will sound more like “HAHOHOHAHAHEHhHA myyyy goodness HAHAHaHAH yikes.” Giggling is a sign of being nervous, DUH! Didn’t you learn that in Psych 100 or something? She is not having fun. Don’t let this fool you.
Abnormal Amount of Screaming
Come on, admit it. We all know you do it. You get a little excited when you hear that your neighbors or roommates are getting banged. While you’re laying in bed after an unsuccessful night at the bars, crying and singing Taylor Swift to yourself, you can’t help but listen intently to the various noises. But what do these noises mean? Are you getting all that you’ve bargained for when you press your ear against the door or hide in the closet? Deciphering sex sounds can be tricky, but you must understand the meaning behind them. Without meaning, life would be meaningless. You understand? So here it goes:
Excessive Giggling
This can mean one of two things: the penis is either terrifyingly huge or tragically microscopic. There’s no inbetween in a case like this. This is like a classic, perverted version of Goldilocks, if his penis was juuuustt right, she would shut up and do the deed. Obviously, she
Homegirl’s a FREAK! But seriously, she just knows the tricks of the trade. So she’s been around the block a few times and knows exactly what makes a guy feel good about himself. She’s probably being extremely over-the-top, and it’s probably making you feel kind of weird. But she’s smart, because now it will be easy to get rid of him. He’ll sit back, put his hands behind his head, give himself a high-five, and know that his work there is totes dunzo. Then he will want to run home as fast as he can to tell all his bros about it. As for her, she will be thinking, “Eh, it was alright, but I really just wanted this bed to myself tonight!”
Whispers of Sweet Nothings
Aw piss, she actually LIKES this guy. This is what is commonly referred to as a Code Red Situation, or a Stage Five Clinger. Sure, she had every intention of finding a guy to sleep with and then never speak to again. But the way that his eyes sparkled under the fluorescent bulbs at the bar really must’ve done her in. Or maybe it was
AMANDA wrote this the gracefulness that was his hair blowing in the wind of the fog machine. Either way, she took him home to have “passionate” sex and now she wants him to stay, cuddle, and talk about future goals and possible baby names. Don’t worry, he’ll never call, and they will awkwardly bump into each other at some point. He’ll be with another girl and she’ll call him a slut. She might run away crying and then proceed to gain 15 pounds, but she will eventually get over it. Just know that cute whispers are never a good sign.
Complete and Utter Silence
Don’t be sad, you creep. This is only a temporary silence. Ten shots of tequila takes a toll on one’s body, and after a long night of drinking, a sleep sesh comes before a slam sesh. Sooner or later, one of them will have to get up to use the bathroom, and realize there is another person in the bed (make sure you are hiding at this point so you don’t get caught and ruin all your chances of living vicariously through them). Now, the fun begins! Although it probably won’t be very fun, since they’ll both be in a half asleep, drunken daze. Really sloppy, disgusting, dead fish sex ensues. Maybe you’ll hear a grunt or two, if you’re lucky. Give it a good four minutes, and you will hear silence again followed by some guttural snoring. This is where you walk back to your room shaking your head in disappointment. Now go on and tuck this under your pillow, so next time you hear nookie going down in the other room, you will know exactly what is going on. Maybe you can even your own personal play-by-play and then stream it live it on the internet. It’ll be your guide to indirect pleasure...or pain...for the rest of your life.
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New MTD Signs Displaying Everything About Future Except When Buses Will Get Here Corey Guastini wrote this In an effort to increase the ease of use and convenience of its bus line, MTD has begun expanding the presence of its electronic “Bus Arrival” signs to various stops across campus. Now, if a bus patron wants to know when a certain line is coming, there will be a wider range of stops where he or she can simply see the arrival time lit up in sparkling LED. While MTD hoped to have the signs up and running weeks ago, they have encountered some problems getting the correct information to display. The signs work on the principles of string theory, utilizing quantum wormholes to gain access to the future. When functioning correctly, they are able to determine when a given bus will be arriving, calculate the difference between that future moment and the present to within seven Planck times, then display that time on the board. MTD maintenance worker and GED certificate holder Floyd tried to explain the process in layman’s terms, saying, “See, these wormholes are present in the fourth and higher dimensions. Now, they act as bridges between two different points in space-time and—you know what, I’m really no good at conveying the complex nuances of particle physics, and I’m not sure how I’ll get you to visualize things in the fourth dimension like we at MTD can, but if you just call Frank and Jerry up at headquarters they might be able to give you a real solid lecture on this stuff. They’ve got it down pat.” While MTD has thus far been successful in achieving access to the future, they are having trouble restricting the information displayed on the boards to bus arrival times. In fact, the signs seem
to be displaying everything from the future EXCEPT bus arrival times. So far, they have shown the names of what appear to be the next seventeen US presidents, the scores of the next fifteen Super Bowls, and all of the entries on the 2027 Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ list. In an effort to defend MTD’s troubles, Floyd continued, “Any time you’re trying to manipulate the space-time continuum to access the future there are bound to be kinks. Normally, we could just call [head maintenance worker] Hank up and he’d get this straightened out in a jiffy, but this is the week he’s vacationing in Branson, Missouri with his wife Sheila and—dadgummit, what is it doing now? Future flavors of Ben and Jerry’s? Well, I’ll be. Hopefully we’ll soon get it to stop displaying things like this as well as the exact date, time, and location of my death like it was doing earlier and just show us when the 22 South Illini and 10 West Gold are getting here like it’s supposed to.” The entire maintenance crew was ecstatic when it thought it had fixed the problem, but that joy proved to be brief as it was discovered the board was only displaying the answers to a test Mrs. Needham’s first grade class will be taking seven years from now at Fairmeadows Elementary School in Iowa over colors, numbers, cardinal directions, and units of time. At press time, the crew was still working feverishly to correct the issue. When it was suggested they contact scientists at Fermilab for assistance, they laughed and said there was “no chance in hell they know more than MTD.” This isn’t the first instance in which MTD has faced troubles
trying to upgrade its technology. When it tried to introduce its hybrid bus fleet a couple of years ago, it found itself in a sixweek battle to get the buses to stop transforming into powerful auto-bots bent on defending Earth from alien invasion and just transport people from the Main Library to parking lot E-14.
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Extra! Extra! Dave’s Mom Is Coming! Phil Azar wrote this After weeks of unverified rumors, reports confirmed that Dave Wilkerson’s recently-remarried mother, Sheryl Ogano, will arrive in the Champaign-Urbana area this Friday, April 8th, at approximately 9P.M. for Mom’s Weekend. Most consider Sheryl, as she reportedly likes to be called by her son’s peers, a “total MILF.” “So me and the guys we’re playing some ‘ruit in the basement and Nutter asked Dave ‘if his mom was like coming into town this weekend for Mom’s Weekend?’ Dave said, ‘Ya,’” said Robert Gray, a member of Dave’s fraternity, Eta Theta. “She’s like 43, but looks 35 and last year she was dancing on tables, and I think Nutter got a handy from her,” continued Gray. Nutter could not be reached for comment. Excitement continues to rise around the Eta Theta house, where Dave Wilkerson says his mother plans to spend most of her time during her visit. Necessary preparations are underway to make sure the house is to Sheryl’s liking. Rooms have been cleaned, shirts have been ironed and one member, who asked to remain anonymous, has purchased the latest issue of popular female-oriented magazine Better Home & Gardens and cooking book, Paula Dean: Dean-ing Country Style. “You know, to show Sheryl my sensitive side,” said the unnamed male. “And to give her something to read after I bone her!” Rumors often accompany excitement and, as the anticipation of Sheryl’s arrival rises, so does the gossip. “I heard she got a boob job!” said some freshman. He didn’t ask to be anonymous; he’s just not important enough to be named. Another rumor-- that Dave’s little sister, 12, was born via a Cesarean section so “things are alright in V-Town, baby!”—is unconfirmed Little is known about Sheryl Wilkerson besides that she has a
“nice rack,” a “great mug” and “Nutter got a handy!” Sheryl is the mother of three children and lives in Wilmette, IL, with her new family. Her occupation depends on who is asked. Her son Dave says his mother is a nurse, but other members of Eta Theta say Sheryl must work on a farm because “she can sure churn butter! Ain’t that right, Nutter!” Nutter could not be reached for comment. At last year’s Mom’s Weekend, Sheryl wore a low cut black dress that highlighted her butt and boobs. This is sort of irrelevant to this article, but there are five members of Eta Theta screaming at me to write it. Most hope her attire is “sluttier, but still classy.” Although Sheryl’s body seems to be the main attractant, her personality is also considered to be an affable trait. “Dave’s mom is so chill. Last year she outdrank all the other moms, did the Stanky Leg, and seemed like a really down to earth, intelligent person. I could see us having coffee and just shootin’ the breeze,” said John Edwards. “God, I wish my mom was as hot as her.” The Eta Theta house has been a frenzy of cleaning, physical and mental preparation, and heated debates this past week. Most of the arguments are centered on the size of Sheryl’s breasts and the specifications of Nutter’s hand job. “It was definitely in the bathroom,” said Gray. “I was watching her do it the entire time.” Others, however, say the hand job occurred in a car and that it was above the pants. “Hand never met cock,” said Edwards, “hand never met cock.” Nutter could not be reached for comment. Last night, a meeting was held in the basement of Eta Theta about how to act around Sheryl. The meeting set ground rules that included not staring at her for more than three seconds at a time,
to always act like a gentleman, and no overt please for handjobs again, Nutter. Tomorrow, Dave Wilkerson is excited to see his mother and hopes they have a fun time. “Ya she’s going to take me out to dinner and wants to take me shopping,” said Dave. “But she doesn’t really like hanging around the house. She said last year my fraternity really creeped her out.”
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Intramurals
The Broad Spectrum of Futility The world of competitive sport changed for me after high school. I would miss the nicknames, interracial high-fives, and shower-staring, but ultimately I knew it was time to hang up the cleats and get my grown man on. Sure, it’s nice to dust off the spandex and reminisce about the glory days, but intramurals are a real gray area on this campus. I understand the whole “play to win” thing, but c’mon if you signed up for any reason other than to yell phony audibles, relevant sports buzzwords, and sweat off a couple Budweisers, you fall into one of the following categories. The Oddly Intense Girl: The only thing deeper than your voice is your commitment to proving you can battle with the big boys. Your decision to “not play by the rules society pushed on you” makes me ask too many questions. Did you have three older brothers? How much can you squat? Did daddy only make eye contact with you after softball games? Did daddy make eye contact with you when he shouldn’t have? If you stand somewhere too long will your tree trunk legs sprout roots? Look, I really don’t care. Your elbow brace and Under Armour sports bra are making me ask scary questions about gender preferences and I don’t like it. Your caveman build is undoubtedly the result of large-family breeding and an intense supplement regimen. I’m not a big enough chauvinist to clown you on the football field, so don’t try to decapitate my self-respect and social life with a bone-jarring hit anytime I go over the middle. Maybe I’m intimidated. Maybe you’re the antithesis of attractive. The point is, you make all other participants uncomfortable.
The Fat Friend: The game is probably just a blip on your social calendar. I appreciate that in some respects. Get out there. Wear something without sleeves. Get your sweat on. In a different world with a different body build, I’d gladly join you at the buffet table of life. Plus, being socially embarrassed by bullies and physically ignored by hot people has forced you to develop a little bit of humor and ability to interact. Just keep cherry picking, grab some boards, and remain the lovable teammate. The High School All-Star: Sure you never won state, but you totally could have if you weren’t so socially coveted. How come none of these Champaign bozos get what a sport “God” you are? Did they NOT read the Daily Herald article about your conference championship?
Well, they’re only leaving you with one option: Create perfection via flag football dominance. Hell yeah, you’re going to stiff-arm that freshman, and if the rules say it’s illegal, you’ll show them your academic all-state plaque. You didn’t spend five hours diagramming a triple-option/west coast hybrid offensive scheme to settle for second. You’re an ARC regular, and haven’t had a carb since 2005. Plus college chicks care about high school sport achievements. When the honeys walk down First Street, they’ll hear you chewing out that ref and wetness will ensue without a doubt!
The Out-of-Place Girl: How did you get coaxed into playing? Every other girl is watching Glee and Facebook stalking their frienemies, but not you. You’ve shed the sweet cheerleader image to impress the bro/ lose the freshman 15/ escape the sorority house. It’s not that you don’t have motivation. It’s just that you lack even a remedial knowledge in sports.
If you’re trying to get some credibility you could wear “The High-School All-Star’s” conference champion t-shirt he let you wear home last Sunday morning. Ultimately, it won’t make you any better but think of how fun it will be to get “pumped” before the game dancing in your bedroom to Jessica Simpson’s “Nothing But A T-Shirt On.” You go girl! The Bo “Faux” Jackson: You are an actual athlete. This just isn’t your ballpark. The give-aways are numerous. You’re wearing Air Force Ones to a football game or baseball cleats to a soccer game. This always results in a bewildered, prideful person looking like Bambi on ice.
Bo knows everything, but you know next to nothing. These are the out-of-bounds lines. This is what an offsides is. Please don’t make me repeat myself. I do expect some decent terminology out of any athlete. Somewhere Walter Payton’s ghost cries every time Faux Jackson fires up his teammates with a “Two more goals and we can send this thing to extras,” speech. Truly sports blasphemy. You belong on the field, but please dress the part and keep your tactics to yourself. No matter where you fall in the spectrum of intermural obscurity, we can all strive for a better tomorrow. Pick up a Sports Illustrated, watch a couple hours of ESPN, and don’t verbally accost referees and teammates. Simple as that.
OR LAPTOP + PRINTER OR LCD FLATSCREEN TV
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The Cheapskate’s Guide to Eating in College MchoneyCombs wrote this Being a college student is only about two steps away from being a homeless person. We’re broke, hungry, and will go to huge lengths to save some spare change (thank you free laundry at the Six Pack). For those of you like me who are unlucky enough to not have parents or relatives who can pay for most or any of your college expenses, you find yourself in dire financial straits. Call it independence all you like, Michelle across the hall can actually afford healthy vegetables while you have forgotten what anything other than Ramen tastes like. Luckily enough for you, I’m a cheapskate and am here to give you a few tips on how you can stretch that food budget enough to not to get evicted. First off, you’ll need to forget everything you learned about germs, morals, and dignity. There’s no room for that in the world of a broke college student. Yes, it may feel wrong that you’re technically stealing from the dining hall when you’re shoving stacks of bowls into you’re bookbag, but the guests at your upcoming dinner party will have nothing but nice things to say about all your utensils. Make sure you have plenty of friends to mooch from. Everybody mooches now and then but to be successful at it requires good planning. Ask one of your friends who still lives in the dorms to take you to dinner and try to draw attention away from that big duffel bag you’re carrying in. Stock up on everything you possibly can without drawing attention to
yourself. You may be tempted to attack the fruits and vegetables first since your stomach has been surviving solely on Hot Pockets for two weeks. But don’t be fooled - food that can be stored for long periods of time are essential to survival. Cereal and pasta are your go-to foods for this as they can be kept fresh for months. Avoid Cap’n Crunch though, it just tastes like shit. Don’t let anything like “lines” stand in the way of your hunger. Remember most of these people are freshmen, and therefore are expendable. Plus they still get care packages from home, so cut your way to the front. There are several things you can do inside your own apartment to make life a little less expensive. It’s all about improvisation, really. Say you want to make yourself a PB&J but you’re out of bread. My friends, you have two perfectly good hands. Smear one hand with peanut butter, the other with jelly, smack them together and slurp out the gravy. You think that dishwasher can only be used for plates and silverware? Toss a few dirty clothes in there along with some Dawn and you just saved yourself a buck on laundry. Want to score some free recipes from the internet? I guarantee there’s at least one dumbass living in your apartment building whose WiFi password is “password” or “12345”, try it out. Lastly, it’s rude to go to someone else’s door and ask for food, however it’s not rude to ask for ingredients. Start at the top floor and at the first door ask for a cup of sugar, the next door ask for
two cups of milk until you get back to your place and have a kickass batch of cookies. Hopefully these little tips will help keep the money in your pocket but the lice on your head. If all else fails some homeless people are actually charming like that guy who sits outside of The Beef Stand. I’m sure he’d love some company.
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SHOUT OUTS! Dear Aggers, Please take advantage of the final warm days of the season by removing the shirts and hanging out in your front yard more often. We'd really appreciate it. Love, R.F. Explorer
The Eight Faces of Bruce Weber Most men will wear many faces throughout their life. They’ll smile when they’re happy, frown when they’re sad and make some goofyass face when they orgasm. Illini basketball coach Bruce Weber is not most men. Bruce Weber only wears eight faces, each with a precise meaning dictated by what’s currently happening on the basketball court. Since we exist to serve, we’ve decided to catalog the eight Bruce Weber faces for you, with a Brucealiciousness rating of 1-10; “1” being the least Bruce-y face, “10” being the Bruceiest face imaginable. Enjoy! -Brendan The Face: Mild disgust What It Says: “Ed Hightower, that call was crap, and you know it.” What It Means: The Illini are up or down by single digits. A face used by Bruce Weber to milk a call from the refs without embarrassing the zebras or getting himself a technical. Also uses it on equipment managers when they use the wrong kind of wax on his BMW. Brucealiciousness: 4/10 The Face: Utter elation What It Says: “Jereme Richmond is gully as shit.” What It Means: Richmond just brought the ball up the court by himself, stared down his defender, drove strongly to the hoop and dunked the ball into McLean County, all while drawing the foul. Weber doesn’t even pretend to be pissed about Richmond not passing the ball, because that was just disgusting. Brucealiciousness: 6/10
The Face: Total contempt What It Says: “Fuckin’ Tisdale.” What It Means: There’s thirteen minutes left in the game and Mike Tisdale just fouled out, again. Bruce wonders to himself how many times he has tell that ogre that they’re gonna call a charge if he doesn’t set feet and hold his arms straight up. Remains secretly jealous he isn’t over seven feet tall. Brucealiciousness: 8/10 The Face: Excited bewilderment What It Says: “HEY!” What It Means: Some guy on the other team has been open for .37 seconds, which really pisses Weber off. Weber Takes mental note: “Make Richardson and Paul hold hands at next practice, so they can see what man defense looks like.” Also, the face he made when he realized White Horse was open again, because he was excited to karaoke Iggy Pop’s “Lust For Life” when the season’s over. Brucealiciousness: 10/10, the gold standard for Bruce Weber faces.
The Face: Indescribable yearning What It Says: “Someone brought pie!” What It Means: Bruce Weber is at a charity potluck and someone brought a still-warm cherry pie with the crumbly crust. After using a 30-second timeout to diagram a plan of action to himself, he successfully steals the pie and enjoys it alone in a bathroom stall. Brucealiciousness: 6.5/10
The Face: Annoyed confusion What It Says: “Alright, it’s time to put the starters back in.” What It Means: Three stupid things just happened in a row, and Bruce has had just about enough of it. Also wears this expression when discussing The King’s Speech with friends, because he just doesn’t get what all the hype is about. Brucealiciousness: 5/10 The Face: Nervous anticipation What It Says: “This is the calm before the storm, brace yourself.” What It Means: The Fighting Illini have been playing well as a team for several minutes. Inherently, this makes Bruce Weber very nervous as it prevents him from existing in his natural state—yelling. Also make this face after he sits down on the toilet, but before he unleashes nasty burrito diarrhea. Brucealiciousness: 3/10 The Face: Hate and vitriol What It Says: “I’ll get you some day, Izzo, if it’s the last thing I do!” What It Means: Everything has gone to shit; now it’s time for someone to die. Rarely seen outside of losses to far inferior schools, the face is reserved for when Weber just don’t give a fuck and he wants to make a point. Once used to make a sixteen-year-old McDonalds cashier cry when his McRib didn’t come with extra pickles. Brucealiciousness: 7.3/10
To the blonde Tridelt whose ass I commented on at Chick-fil-a: I saw the smile you gave me. Let's meet there at 7 this Wednesday. Dear Frat Grenades, Please find a new place to hang out. Sincerely the frat across the street To every man who has ever pissed in a urinal at the ARC or CRCE, have some fucking common decency and flush the fucking thing. You're not drunk and this isn't Kam's. -- Big Slim Dear DL- Please, please, get it on with LilyLover. We are trying our hardest to make this happen, here, come on. Love, DJ BB and MCHamma' Yo Mader!!! You WERE a Sex Machine until your milk and cookie viagra connect went out of business. HEY KDR: your music SUCKS! love, your fraternity neighbors To the girl who ripped off her pants and threw her underwear in the garbage at the Beef Stand last weekend... they ran out of cheese fries after your order. P.S. We have your pants. - The men of 417 So Mike, after 3 years of chasing me, 5 minutes is all I get? So sad...Mandy To Muffin Top and Panface. Sorry for calling you guys out at Murphy's Friday night. I just felt if your friends weren't going to say anything, someone should. ~Texas Dear Danny- Please hook up with Caitlin. We are sick of communally stalking your Facebook. Sincerely, Haus of Snooki & The Pound To jessie- stop ignoring my facebook chats. you know you want to talk to me.... o_0 love, yasminey
SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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live close live college apply online @ tower3rd .com 217.367.0720 | 302 E. John St. Suite 100
The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 Wednesday (5/04): MARTIN SEXTON with SARAH LEE & JOHNNY (Early!) EOTO with SIGNAL PATH (Late!)
THURS:CINCO DE MAYO $2 Sauza Silver Tequila Shots $3 Sauza Margaritas $2 ANY BOTTLE OF BEER $2 CORONA
THURS: CINCO DE MAYO! $2 Sauza Silver Tequila Shots $3 Sauza SIlver Margaritas $2 Bud Light Lime $3 Coronas
THURSDAY: $1 Wells
MARTIN SEXTON with SARAH LEE & JOHNNY (Early!)
Red Bull Chariot Race Post-Party w/ DJ ROCK CITY Resident DJ from the Underground $3 PIZZAS from 4pm-9pm Bulls vs Hawks 7pm $3 Red Bull Vegas Bombs $4 Red Bull Vodkas $2 Bud Light Bottles
Reading Day Eve BULLS vs. HAWKS 7PM RED BEER ON TAP! Red Bull Chariot Races at 5pm BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! $2 Svedka, $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Mug Night! $2 Bud Refills, $3 Goose
$1 Domestic Bottles $1 Chicken Strips
SPECIAL NIGHT
Never a Cover. Ever.
HOORAY MAY (EVERYDAY) $3 Landshark Bottles $3 1800 Shots $4 1800 margaritas Prizes, Giveaways & MORE!
WED
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Keystone Light taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic, $1.75 Miller High Life Bottles $2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
THuRSTY THuRSDAY Rotating DJ Schedule $4 Select Sobieski Vodka Martinis! $3.50 Bells Oberon Pints $3 Red Stripe/Red Stripe Light
$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $3.75 Miller/Coors Pitchers
Summer Camp 2011 Music Festival Pre-Party with THE WERKS, VAN GHOST, RHYTHM MANDING & More! FREE SHOW!!!
CINCO DE MAYO $2 Sauza Silver Tequila Shots $3 Sauza Margaritas $2 ANY BOTTLE OF BEER $2 CORONA
CINCO DE MAYO! $2 Sauza Silver Tequila Shots $3 Sauza SIlver Margaritas $2 Bud Light Lime $3 Coronas
$1 Wells
DJ Ian Procell & DJ REFLEX 10PM (house)
$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
DUBSTEP MASQUERADE Last of the Semester! featuring DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, MILK N COOKIES, DJ ATTACK, WHITE RABBIT, DJ ISM, FLOWA CHILD and DJ BRITCHE$
Happy Hour Food Special $3 PIZZAS! 3pm-9pm Bulls vs Hawks 6pm WIN CUBS TICKETS! $2 Bud Light 24oz Cans $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Cruzan Rum
PLAYOFFS GAME 3 BULLS vs HAWKS 6pm RED BEER ON TAP! $3.99 Haus Fries All Day! $5 Bud Light 40's $2 Bud & BL Bottles $3 UV Vodka, $3 Jager Bombs
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Vodka Redbull
$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Bacardi $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
THE DIGITOUR 2011 (Early!)
$3 Jager Bombs $3 Wild Turkey $3 Bacardi $3 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles
BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Bacardi $3 VEGAS BOMBS
$3 Captain Morgan $4 Bombs
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Book your next party or event at the Clybourne Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
PLAYOFFS - GAME 4 BULLS vs HAWKS -7pm $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! $3.99 for 10 FIREHAUS WINGS!
Trivia Night! $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells
$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells
$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE!
$1 BUD LIGHT DRAFTS $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Sauza Tequila
$2.50 Coronas $1 Tacos
THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!
WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 Jim Beam Whiskey
BULLS vs HAWKS 7PM RED BEER ON TAP! $2.99 Ch. Burger & FF 4-9pm $2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Sharkbowls $5 Bud Lt Pitchers $3 Soco Shots & Drinks
Logo Glass Night $3 Glass $2 Refills
THURS
FRI
SAT
SATURDAY THROWDOWN! DJ MERTZ 10 PM
SUN
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MON
Van Gogh a Go Go! $5 Van Gogh Cocktails PINEAPPLE ACAI BLUEBERRY DOUBLE ESPRESSO VG GIN $6 Van Gogh Martinis DIRTY MASTERPIECE PINEAPPLE GIMLET ACAI COSMO GIMLET
$1 Wells $2 JUMBO Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm after pub quiz Bonus Rounds of Buzztime Trivia - extra prizes
TUES
T-N-T! Tuesday Night Trivia 7PM Liquid Courage Karaoke 9:30 $4 SVEDKA MARTINIS! $1.50 MILLER HL BTLS
$3 (cover) for "All You Care to Eat" Tacos $2 Wells $3 Jumbo Margaritas $3 Tequila Sunrise $3 16oz. Miller/Coors Tall Boys $5 Patron
EOTO with SIGNAL PATH (Late!)
U of I Rodeo Club presents TRIPLE OT BUCK (Late!)
The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3
Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
WED
EVERYDAY: $5 Pitchers, $1 Drafts $1 Cherry Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $1 Kamikaze $2.50 Shot Board Shots $2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
MONDAY: HAPPY HOUR 1/2 Price Apps DAILY 6-8 Special Night After 5PM Half off Hookah's Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s GSC2) fromLite 6-8 everyand day. $2 (at Miller Coors FREE POOL Free pool during happy hour!!! Light Drafts 35 E. Green Street
OPEN MIC Night Wednesday $2.50 Corona OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Jager Bombs $2.50 Corona $3 Strong Islands $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB’s
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
$3 Strong Islands
Every Wednesday: Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music
Don't Let Finals Ruin Bull's Playoff BBall Take a break for a beer, the Bull's and a burger
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (After 6pm)
Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music
50 Cent Wings, Waffle Fries and the Bulls Tying Up the Series! $2 Any Bomb
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
Happy Reading Day... Wanna Day Drink? 1/2 Price Burgers Bring your laptop & Study Outside...Free WiFi
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
22oz Bud Lights Bulls Game at 6 Come do the Carlos "Boozer" with $2 Shots
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
$4 ICB’s
“After Hours” w/ DJ Hot Saus
THURS
$1 Bottles $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Double Rum Wells LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$3.50 Pitchers Miller & Bud Lite $2 All 12 oz. Bottles $3 Dr's. $4 Strong Islands
$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka
FRI
$4 Double Red Bull Vodkas $2.50 Amaretto Stone Sours $3 Strong Islands LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2 Miller Lite $2.50 Dr's $3 Cpt. & Coke $3 Vodka Red Bulls $4 O Yeahs
The Perfect Place for the CUBS, SOX, and CARDS GAMES!
SAT
$3.50 Jager Bombs $3 Double Vodka Wells $2.50 Tequila Sunrise LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2 Budweisers $3 Dr's., $3 Cpt. & Coke $4 Double Vodka Red Bulls $4 Signature Drinks
The Perfect Place to GETAWAY!
SYNERGY SATURDAYS 10PM $3 Corona/Corona Light $3 Red Bull & Vodka $3 Cherry Bombs
1/2 Price Burgers NO FINALS TOMORROW Spend your last weekends at Joe's with all your friends
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
$2 U CALL IT
FREE POOL $1 12oz. Miller Lite & Bud Light Drafts $2 Wells $3 Call Drinks $4 Strong Islands
Come watch all the games! $2.50 Import Bottles
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Last Sunday Funday of the year Free Straws...grab one and have a drink
Baseball is Here! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells
1/2 Price Apps After 5PM
80's NIGHT w/ DJ MINGRAM $1.50 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Wells NO COVER
Monday Night Joes Check out this weeks Booze News ad for info on Joe's Summer Giveaways!
$1.50 High Life Drafts!
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
The 8th Grade Dance $1 Tequila Shots $1 Jello Shots $2 Blue Moons 1/2 Price Burgers for Bulls Game 5
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)
SUN
MON
$5 Pitchers 50¢ Pizza Slices
TUES
Wing Night! (8pm-midnight) $.50 Jumbo Chicken Wings $1.00 Chicken Strips 3 for $1 Jumbo Popcorn Chicken $2 Coronas
$1 Pint Refills of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Miller Bottles $3 Rumpleminze $4 Double Vodka/RB $1 Off All Burgers
Outlaw Karaoke $2 Bud and Miller Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Strong Islands $3.50 Motza Sticks
$2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
$3 Strong Islands $8 Btls of Wine & Champagne $2 Smirnoff ICE $4 24oz Campus Special
Salsa w/DJ BR!S 8PM DJ DELAYNEY (10PM) House, Hip-Hop, R&B, & Old School Dance
KAM'S
The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3
THURS: klub kams & CINCO de mayo! $3 UV & Bam $2 Lite Bottles, $1 Miller HL Btls. $2 Coronas, $2 Cuervo Shots All Energy Beads! DJ JOHN HAN
TUES: Ride the Rail! $2 Miller Lite and Coors Light $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!
FRIDAY: $2.75 Miller Lite, Coor's Light, Bud, and Bud Light $5.00 Double Skyy Vodka $5.00 Double Wild Turkey
THURSDAY: SHACKER DE MAYO $5 24oz SHACKERS $2 Sauza Silver Tequila Shots $3 Sauza Margaritas $3 Corona $2.50 Bud Light Lime Bottles
SATURDAY: Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More
BUD NIGHT $2 U Call It Bottles $6 Bud Light Pitchers $3 UV Vodka & Bam Bud Girls
School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles
RED LION PROM $1 U CALL IT $2 EVERYTHING ELSE Professional Photographer Decorated like your HS Prom! Live DJ
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
klub kams & CINCO de mayo! $3 UV & Bam $2 Lite Bottles, $1 Miller HL Btls. $2 Coronas, $2 Cuervo Shots All Energy Beads! DJ JOHN HAN & CUERVO GIRLS!
Logo Glass Night $2 Refills $2 Bacardi Drinks
CAPTAIN MORGAN PARTY! $2.50 Captain $3.50 Ursus & Bam $2.75 24oz. Lite Bottles $6 Lite Pitchers $2 Graduation Pints
$2 Miller Lite Bottles $4 Neon 99s $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover
SVEDKA GOT BOT PARTY! DJ JON HAN $3.50 Svedka & Bam $2 Lite Bottles & Wine
$2 Coors Light Bottles $4 Neon 99s $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $6.75 Pitchers Killians & Honey Brown $2 Pinnacle Vodka & Jim Beam Singles $2 Burst Shots $4 Bacardi Doubles $2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $7.00 Killians and Honey Brown Pitchers $4.50 Skyy Doubles $4.50 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.50 Dr McGuillicuddy Shots $2 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $7 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout $4.50 Bacardi & Jim Beam Doubles $2.50 Burst Shots
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2 Well Mixers & Burst Shots $4 Wild Turkey & Skyy Vodka Doubles
SHACKER DE MAYO $5 24oz SHACKERS $2 Sauza Silver Tequila Shots $3 Sauza Margaritas $3 Corona $2.50 Bud Light Lime Bottles
$3 Bacardi $3 Jager Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles
TH: READING DAY CINCO PARTY! $2 Coronas & $7.50 Pitchers of Margaritas! Jose Cuervo Girls! $7.50 Pitchers of Miller, Coors, and Killians $7.50 Pitchers of Whiskey Cola $13.00 Jack & Cola Pitchers $3.00 Cherry Bombs
SPECIAL NIGHT
Outlaw Karaoke
$7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $3.50 Jack Daniels! Jack Daniels Girls 12-1am BEER GARDEN BAR OPEN ALL WEEK!!
WED
SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT
READING DAY CINCO PARTY! $2 Coronas & $7.50 Pitchers of Margaritas! Jose Cuervo Girls 12AM! $7.50 Pitchers of Miller, Coors, and Killians $7.50 Pitchers of Whiskey Cola $13.00 Jack & Cola Pitchers $3.00 Cherry Bombs
THURS
Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!
$6 Miller/Coors Pitchers $9 Premium Beer Pitchers Beer Garden is Open!
FRI
$2 High Life Drafts $2.50 Well Drinks $3 Jaeger Bombs Beer Garden is Open! GRIND Girls 11PM
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Absolut $3 Jim Beam $3 VEGAS Bombs
Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More
Book your next party or event at the Red Lion Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)
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SUN
SAT
$1.50 U CALL IT Drafts, Bottles, Wells, Calls
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Any Draft $2 Bacardi Drinks
$2 U CALL IT!
$2 All Bottles including imports $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!"
Global Draft Night! $5 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Captain Morgan Doubles
$1 U CALL ITS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers DJ MARSHMALLOW
BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)
$2 DOMESTIC Bottles
MON
COUNTRY NIGHT! $2 Lite Drafts & Bottles $4 Double Beam Drinks
Ride the Rail! $2 Miller Lite and Coors Light $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!
$1.50 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.00 Bacardi Singles & Burst Shots $4.00 Pinnacle Vodka and Jim Beam Doubles
$2 Skyy Vodka $2 Wild Turkey $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Goose Island 312 Drafts $2 UV Vodka & Red Bull
CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)
DAS BOOT Tuesday! Keep Your Boots! $1 Hamms Cans $2.50 Dr. Shots
TUES
sm
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How I’m Going to Have the “Greatest” Spring Break Ever (And Why You’ll Never Know Otherwise) Wes Nelson wrote this
I’ll preface with this: I’ve never been anywhere cool for Spring Break. Not just in college...in my life. But this is the year that all changes. Because THIS year, I’m going to El Saint Paradise Island in the Gulf of the Caribbean! Ha ha, no I’m not, that place doesn’t exist. I’m staying right here in Champaign in my empty apartment and I’m going to watch cartoons. But am I going to tell my friends that? Absolutely not, Jack. No, this is the year I finally get to take part in all those post-Spring
Break “Whoa, you did that?! Well I did this! We’re both so cool and fun!” conversations. And as long as you readers can keep a secret, they’re never going to know the difference. You see, I have a genius plan. It involves deception, romance, some butt sex and a star fruit. Yeah, you‘re intrigued. Like I said, I’ve never been anywhere cool like Acapulco or South Padre or Canada, but from what I can gather the cliché Awesome Spring Break always consists of a certain amount of things. Getting a tattoo, getting in a fight, hooking up with hot locals and getting thrown in jail. Am I going to do those things? No. But I can sure as hell fake them. By the time my friends start getting back from their respective trips, this is the conversation I have planned for them: Me, sitting on couch: “Hey man, welcome back.” Friend: “DUDE! You should have come with us! It was SICK! Jonesy spent half the time in jail, I hooked up with SO many girls and-” Me: “Cool. Want to hear about my break?” Friend: “…Didn’t you just stay here?” Me. “Wow, this guy. ‘Didn’t I just stay here…’ HELL no I didn’t just stay here! I hijacked a plane and flew my ass to the Caribbean!” Friend: “But you’ve never flown a plane bef-” Me: “Are you going to keep interrupting or do you want to hear my story?” Friend: (blank stare) Me: “That’s what I thought. So anyways I flew to this is-
land, right? I don’t even know what it was called, it was crazy small. It’s probably uncharted so don’t bother looking it up. Anyway, I don’t know how to land the thing so I just tucked and rolled out of the bastard right onto this beach. SO many girls. I started talking to this one, her name was Sámi. Her tits were…big…and stuff. And nice. So we’re chatting, making out, banging, whatever, and guess who shows up?” Friend: (hasn’t blinked) Me: “FUCKING TUPAC! That’s where he’s been hiding! So naturally he breaks my camera right away, and it’s too bad because I had a picture of Sámi on there that I was totally going to show you guys. Anyways (bites into star fruit)Friend: “Is that a star fruit?” Me: “Haha, this? No, but your lack of culture is pretty embarrassing. This is a fruta estrella. Rarest fruit in the world. Wrestled it from a tiger, check out this scar (show friend my birth mark). Anyways, back to Tupac. So it turns out this Sámi is Tupac’s, like, 27th wife or something. That’s how I got this black eye (points to black eye, which is clearly colored in crayon). Then he throws me in jail. All I have to say is it’s true what they say about the soap, man. That’s why I’m walking kind of funny (throws blanket over indentation on couch where my ass hadn’t moved from in seven days). Anyways dude, that’s it. Friend: “Well…how did you get home??” Me: “Haha, good one man (slaps him on the back, hard). Want to watch cartoons?
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bartenders
of the
MONTH
Bret G. Red Lion
Status: Single Major: Economics Favorite Sex Position: Doggie Style Favorite Porn Star: AJ Castillo Who would win Quail Man vs. Wolverine? Quail Man, fuck yeah! Best Place to Hookup? Foellinger Auditorium Do, Dump, Date (j-shore): Do Sammie, Dump Snooki, Date J-Woww What’s your smell? SEX! Do you prefer your pants on or off? Off – always off. Favorite Drink to Make? We’ll be seein’ ya! Guilty Pleasure? Beastiality porn. Why is the Red Lion better than Station? Because hotter girls come here! If you could get a tattoo, what would it be? A unicorn on my left ass cheek. Ideal First Date: A candlelit dinner at the Silver Bullet with Kara Green. Strangest thing you’ve ever done to get laid? 500 bucks. Natural, Brazilian, or Landing Strip? Brazilian, of course. What’s your hangover cure? Start drinking again.
Table Slaps What You Need: Some drinks and a table. You have a table, don’t you? Number of Players: Well, that all depends on how big your table is, assuming you’re cool enough to have one. Intoxication Level: You’ll be all like, “Man, tables are pretty cool!”
How to Play: -Have all players sit at the table. -Each player places their left hand in front of the person to the left of them, and their right hand in front of the person to the right of them. - Play begins with one player slapping his left hand on the table once. -The person with their right hand next to the left hand that was slapped (not the person in front of their hand) slaps their right hand, then their left hand. -The next person slaps their right hand then their right hand. This continues until someone screws up. This person drinks and the game starts over. -During a player’s turn they may slap the table with one hand twice, which skips the next hand. -During a player’s turn, they may slap the table with one hand three times, which reverses the order of play.
Brothers
er: t s a s Di r o f e Recip Popcorn Chicken Sandwich Chicken sandwiches are almost too healthy to be drunk food. Up your caloric intake by getting righteous on some breaded popcorn chicken…on bread.
What You Need: Bread, frozen popcorn chicken, cheese, barbecue sauce or gravy. Cook Time: 10 Minutes Fatty Factor: Hey, you need to carb load for that marathon you’re running when you’re 50.
Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare the popcorn chicken as suggested on the packaging. - Note: microwaving it is easily the worst option, but it’s also the fastest. If you choose to bake the chicken, prep time is significantly longer. - While the chicken is being prepared, place the cheese on the bread and warm in a toaster oven. - When the chicken is done, place it on the bread. - Douse the sandwich on the sauce of your choice, though we recommend barbecue sauce or gravy. - Eat that sandwich. Bathroom Aftermath: Let’s just call it diarrhea surprise.
Sexy Time
Sandwiches
Indian
Studying
Tail-Gate
Soups
Italian
drinking games
Kelly T.
Hangover
The Game Ends When: Someone with a nicer table wants to play, so you head over there instead. Is that mahogany?!
Status: Taken Major: Breaking Hearts Favorite sexual position? The Alaskan Snowshoe Drink specialty? Anything with whip cream Last thing you did with your hands? A favor for the manager in the back What celeb would you go gay for? Jaime Presley Best place to hook up? Manager's office at Brother's Favorite drunk food? Grilled cheese and apple betty Weirdest place you've ever woken up? My bathtub Which Harry Potter character are you most like? Neville Longbottom Worst sexual experience? I slept with my ex's best friend to get back at him, and he had a small penis and was terrible and I told him so. I won the breakup. Favorite drinking game? Dominos
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Page 17
Are You Smarter Than:
Our Editor, Quinn?
1. Math: In the –illion chain, what comes after “trillion”? A: ________________ 2. Pop culture: Who was named Esquire’s “Sexist Woman Alive” on Monday? A: ________________ 3. Technology: What tech company is currently testing self-driving cars? A: ________________ 4. Sports: In college football, what does BCS stand for? A: ________________ 5. History: What historic figure had “the face that launched 1,000 ships”? A: ________________
quinn’s answers 1. Quadrillion 2. Audrina Patridge 3. General Motors 4. Bowl Championship Series 5. Helen of Troy 6. Drew Carey 7. 30 million 8. 3 9. No idea 10. Columbia
The real answers
6. TV: Which talk show host is the former mayor of Cincinnati? A: ________________ 7. Sex: Within 10 million, how much sperm does the average man produce in a day? A: ________________ 8. Music: How many of the top-10 most sold albums ever are soundtracks? A: ________________ 9. Video Games: What is the Konami code? A: ________________ 10. Geography: Name one of the two countries with territory in the Tierra del Fuego. A: ________________
Results quinn.
4
You
_
1. Quadrillion 2. Minka Kelly 3. Google 4. Bowl Championship Series 5. Helen of Troy 6. Jerry Springer 7. 120 million 8. 3 9. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A 10. Chile and Argentina
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TOP 10
Things You Don’t Want to Hear Coming from Your Bathroom 10. The Coach: This guy’s in your bathroom talking to his rear-end like it’s the quarterback in the last five seconds of the Superbowl. Get a cooler full of Gatorade ready for when this guy walks out of the bathroom; he’s gonna need a cool down after the sweat he’s worked up. What this will sound like: “Come onnnnnn. Give me a little more – stupid shit! Just get out there!” 9. The Toots: I can only put it so nicely. Serious gas is the problem here. This culprit has been crop dusting the party since he walked in and has finally closed himself off in your bathroom to clear his system. No amount of Febreeze or scented candles will be able to cover up this fiasco. People will smell this for days to come and guess who the blame will fall on? What you’ll hear: “PFFFfffffff.”
8. The Hummer: I once told my dad I’m a shy pee-er, and he gave me this little piece of advice, “Just close your eyes, plug your ears, and hum to yourself.” Now, I’m all for looking like a lunatic, but this is a bit creepy. In fact, I imagine this is how pedophiles use the bathroom. I feel really bad for anyone who has invited my father to a party – the sleep they must have lost. What this will sound like: “(to the tune of ‘Ring Around the Rosey’) Hmmm-hm-hmm Huhhummm-hmm…”
Ask A Minoirty:Ginger edition Quinn wrote this As a member of THE most oppressed race on this planet, I know that many of you know very little about what a horrible life it is to be ginger. Therefore I am taking your questions and answering them with that classic ginger-honesty you’ve all heard of. Do you pee fire? Yes, but that has nothing to do with my hair color.
Are you afraid of the sun? From ages 0-13 I had to wear a t-shirt in the pool. Would you be afraid of something that gave you blisters if you were exposed to it for longer than 4 hours? Yeah that’s what I thought.
Was that ginger South Park your favorite moment in television history? Absolutely not. That show educated my entire school on how to hate me and my ginger brethren. Before that everyone was fine hating foreigners and handicaps, then all of a sudden their attention turned towards me. Do you have a soul? Where do you keep the souls you steal? No. It might mean I can’t feel love, but in that case I can’t feel hate. Actually I hate all the time, all I feel is hate. When I steal souls I eat them and crap them out. I don’t get any satisfaction out of doing it – I just do it.
Will I burst into flames if I look directly into your eyes? Sometimes I begin to feel kind of hot when I look at myself in the mirror. So maybe. I know people say my eyes are red, which probably means if you look into my eyes you look into the fiery abyss that stands in for my soul. You might burst into flames, but it probably depends on how good of a person you are. Do the carpets match the drapes? Wow, thanks for bringing back a whirlwind of playground abuse. Yes, is it really that hard to do the math? Does it make sense that
one part of my body has different colored hair than the rest?
Does your mom ever remind you of how disappointed she is in you for being the way you are? My mom is also a ginger. I think she is more disappointed in herself for bringing another one of us into the world. For a couple years she tried to beat the redhead out of me, but gave up soon enough and locked me in the basement. Has a barber ever refused you service? If I don’t cut my own hair and stuff it into people’s pillows, I’ll go to any old hair salon. My hair always intrigues the poor ex-hot girls cutting my hair. They love hair, and it’s all they want to talk about. They compare cutting my hair to shearing a sheep, and ask all of these questions. And then we have sex.
Are you going to get a vasectomy because you don't want to risk bringing another ginger into this world? First, let me get back to my point-- if you asked ANY of these questions to another race you would be crucified. Second, yes. Did you know it’s rumored that redheads are more sensitive to temperature and pain, while being slightly immune to anesthesia? I don’t want to put anyone through this life. If black people-- being darker -- means they have huge wangs, what does that say about someone who has lighter skin pigment than most? It says exactly what you think. I have a tiny wang, it’s like a scared turtle that only comes out twice a day for food.
Is Carrot Top your spiritual leader? How dare you? Do you think Lewis Hallam, Jr. was a spiritual leader for black people? Carrot Top, Wendy (if Wendy’s), Kathy Griffin – just to name a few – are all icons glorifying red-headed stereotypes and should be banned! One day us gingers will unite, and you’ll all feel the brunt of our fiery tempers and sexual appetites!
7. The Exorcist: May sound like a close relative to the coach but this guy’s got a demon to expel from his anus. Humility is not his strong point – calling out to every archangel imaginable to help rid him of his constipation, this bishop will stop at nothing to be freed of his bowels. What you’ll hear: “OH GOD help me! Mercy – mother of – get OUT!” 6. The Waterfall: Nothing is more disturbing than hearing someone else endure explosive diarrhea. The runs are bad enough when you’ve got to sit through them, but listening to someone else relive their Taco Bell fiesta from earlier that afternoon can really induce the gag-reflex – almost as bad as hearing someone puke. What you’ll hear: It will sound like a really fart-y waterfall mixed in with some groans.
5. The Quiet One: What the heck is this guy doing in there? Forget all the gross stuff, once you notice it, this will ruin you. It didn’t seem weird at first, but about ten minutes in, you start to wonder what is going on behind those locked doors. What’s he up to? He hasn’t made a peep since he went in. You think about asking if everything’s okay in there but decide it’s best that you don’t know. What you’ll hear: “…………”
4. The Master: Bater that is. Seriously, man? Can’t wait till you get home to squeeze one out? He’s been invited to sleep over and somewhere around 3am figured it would be a good time to work on his shake weight form. Just disgusting. What you’ll hear: Lot’s of selfloathing and something that reminds you of playing with silly puddy.
3. The Projectile Vomiter: I don’t know what this girl was drinking – tequila and jet fuel? – but she has lost the ability to puke at a normal capacity. Whatever is inside her needs to get out in the most violent way possible, so she goes Exorcism all over your bathroom. Incredibly, not one drop of her waste makes it into your giant toilet bowl. Her friends are so worried about her they decide to carry her home without saying a word to you about the state of your lavatory. What this will sound like: “BLAHHHHHHH-whuAAAA. … I don’t remember eating pizz-CHAHHHH. Why doesn’t this place got a toile-BWAHHHH.” 2. The Flooding: Who INVITES this guy? There’s always that one random person at a party who will never grasp the concept of an appropriate amount of toilet paper. After dropping a deuce or two he takes the entire roll of Charmin Ultra to wipe his pooper, assumes your toilet has some sort of magic vortex instead of standard plumbing, and flushes without a second thought. Then he casually walks out of your bathroom and back to the party feeling about two pounds lighter while your bathroom has turned into New Orleans – post Katrina. What you’ll hear: “*flush*… Huh, that’s some faulty plumbing. Gee, I sure hope no one lives downstairs. Hum-dee-dumdum-I’ve-the-cleanest-bum-bum.” 1. The Moans: Sex is always great, right? WRONG. If you are in no way involved in the activity, most people would really rather not have it going on in their home. Why do people feel the need to do the deed in the bathroom during a busy party? Having a couple of kids getting all playful around your potty is just hard to stomach. What this will sound like: “Ohhhh yeah baby, put me on the sink! Feels good when the toothbrush scrubs down your back door, doesn’t it? You ready to go? Yeah just splooge it everywhere, this isn’t our bathroom!” Carles Barkley wrote this Email me at: CKamp2@gmail.com
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continued from cover story... 2:00AM: The party crowd has finally stumbled in, to my delight. Some of my friends join me at the table to order food and are sassed by sassy black girl who from this point on shall now be referred to as CrazySass. I am also now known by the staff not as Mc”Honey”Combs but as Mr. 24 hours. There are a million sexual puns to be made, but I will spare you. When asked what he wanted to order a drunk man responded with, “As much toast as you can give me.” I pray they bring him an entire loaf.
3:00AM: My drunk friends have departed, and CrazySass has somewhat redeemed herself by showing some slight courtesy to my friends. The stomach of the portly woman sitting across from me is spilling onto the table. It looks as if she is kneading purple dough. A drunk man behind me just wandered into the kitchen in order to make himself some pancakes because service was too slow, he is now my hero. A girl with huge green goggles has just walked in with a devilish smile on her face. I assume she is either a scuba diver or a mad scientist. Whatever the case she cannot be trusted… 3:40AM: My ex-girlfriend has just walked in, but she sits on the other side of the restaurant. The three security guards here love me. They want to “fake” throw me out just for shits and giggles, which I’m all for, but they decide against it. A large man with predator dreadlocks was just arrested in the parking lot for having an outstanding warrant. You can knock over a bank only to be arrested in the IHOP parking lot-fail. 4:00AM: I have taken my first 5-hour Energy and am incredibly jittery. I have met “Chris” and “Dave” who are sitting behind me but are using fake names because they are wanted for some “things.” Apparently suspected criminals can’t resist late night pancakes. The security guards were dancing behind one of my friends, tossed me a Starburst and told me they want to hook me up ever since they learned my ex is here. They are now the coolest security guards ever. 4:20AM: D-Dawg and Professor Nipples now have children. They are the four bottles of syrup and their names are: Kilroy, Rufus, Geraldo, and Pippylong-sack. Four Asian kids just tried to dine and dash but were caught by the gyrating security guards and forced to pay up. A girl who is practically pantsless has just sat at my table claiming “We should do girl’s night more often.” I am now determined to attend said “girl’s night.”
5:40AM: The security guards have joined me and some other friends at my table. Things have taken a turn for the surreal. One of them makes up a story about a sniper rifle and a nuclear bomb while the other removes a four-inch knife from his boot and places it on the table. I am now confused.
6:08AM: People from last night are still filing in somehow. One girl is complaining that she doesn’t want to come off as Jewish due to her weird knee and blames it on some Jewish blood thing. Anti-Semitism can be quite humorous sometimes. The townies are starting to file in and I’m beginning to drift in and out of consciousness. 7:00AM: I cannot go any further. I have heard things that I will contemplate for days and seen things which call into question the existence of good. I must now depart, my dear friends, and pass out for the day. I smell like a bum chasing a ham sandwich stuck to the bumper of a car.
Lauren Conrad . Chip & Pepper . Sinful . Union . Monarchy . Affliction
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20
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the movie page
to t h g u Bro . . . y b u yo 126 W. Church St. - Downtown Champaign
“Best Place to See a Movie” Buzz’s Best of C-U, 2010
K=100
Based on the Trailer
Scre4m (Scream 4) C=35 M=60 Y=60 K=100
dave saw this and gave it a...
Director: Wes Craven
Bridesmaids
The Hangover II
Starring:
May 13th
Starring: Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne What You Need to Know: Kristen Wiig plays a poor old 30-something who is always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Or at least she’s single and sad, and she’s going to be the bridesmaid for her friend (Maya Rudolph) this time. What We Think: The top tagline on the movie poster reads “Chick flicks don’t have to suck!” which means that they must be overcompensating for something. Though this movie has potential to be refreshingly funny, it looks more like an overplayed “quirky” girl’s film that’ll, under unbelievable circumstances, find the updateable girl a man. Hmm, sounds pretty sucky and cliché.
May 26th
Starring: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zack Galifianakis What You Need to Know: Those wacky drunks are back again! This time it's a new location (Thailand), but same premise (being obnoxious Americans). Stu (Ed Helms) is getting married, and we all remember what a wet blanket he was during the first movie. What We Think: Wait a minute, this is part two? Are we sure this isn’t the same movie? Sure, the whole “wolf pack” thing really caught on, but can this group of guys or the storyline really progress that much? I guess we’ll have to wait and find out, because regardless of the reviews, you know everyone is going to see it.
C+
Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere, the Ol’ Scream Gang
Synopsis:
Neve Campbell, David Arquette, and Courteney Cox are back… BUT WHERE’S JAMIE KENNEDY?! WHERE?!
K=0
So are there really any Scream franchise nerds out there? I don’t mean people who are fans of the movies; I’m talking about people that have been waiting desperately for the 11 years since Scream 3 came out just to check in on thrice-victim Sidney Prescott one more time or be updated in the relationship of Officer Dewey and reporter Gale Weathers? I mean, the first one was a solid movie and the other two weren’t awful, but there certainly can’t be people who…oh, wait: I just checked the internet, and there’s a whole site with Scream fanfiction. Yikes. I guess Scream 4 (or Scre4m) is for those people then. It takes us back to Woodsboro 15 years after the killings of the original Scream (or Sc1eam) to let us see what has been going on. And, hey, everything’s fine and dandy, that is, until Sidney comes back. You’d think after being hunted THREE times by a killer connected with this town, she’d learn to stay away. But no, Sidney’s plugging some “I’m over it all” bullshit so she decides to come back home and get a few innocent people killed. And of course, when it all happens, no one thinks “hey, maybe Sidney should get the hell outta here;” instead they all decide she should stay with her aunt and cousin Jill (Emma Roberts) for some reason. And coincidentally, Cousin Jill is almost like a
on DVD
Screaming
pseudo-Sidney herself. She’s got some nerdy film guy (one of the Culkin brothers) aka Jamie Kennedy’s character in the first films, and a hot, bitchy friend (Hayden Panettiere). And, most importantly, this time it’s Jill’s friends who are dying off, and, just like with Sidney, no one seems very affected. Of course, in Sc1eam, Sidney had no idea that she was being hunted down specifically, whereas in Scre4am everyone should know that the killer, whoever it is, is probably going to kill anything close to Sidney so everyone SHOULD JUST GET OUT OF WOODSBORO! But, haha, I’m thinking too hard into this MAJOR plot hole. The Scream series isn’t about original stories; it’s about recognizing horror film clichés then subverting some while honoring others. Yet Scre4m even forgets about that whole thing (which pretty much defined the other three) about halfway through. Sure, when Scre4m does want to do that funny, meta-stuff, it does it pretty well. The beginning is actually spectacular in the way that it parodies the endless horror movie sequels and remakes how these “updates” tend to just focus on appearing “modern” and “hip” by giving their killer webcams, Facebook, and Twitter. But then it seems like Scre4m realizes there’s not much else they can do that they haven’t already covered.
This is probably why the best thing Scre4m has going for it: the return of its three original characters. They helped connect me to a film series I actually remember enjoying. Of course, things always look better in hindsight, and, who knows, maybe if I watch Sc1eam, 2cream, and Scr3am again, they’ll suck. But I think I’ll still be entertained by David Arquette’s goofiness and Courteney Cox’s feistiness and Neve Campbell’s… um, ability to run? Unfortunately in this film, these three get little to do, almost as if the producers felt like they should all be there but wanted to focus mostly on the younger, sexier characters. I’m sure with the huge influx of technology in the last 11 years Scre4m could’ve made an interesting story about how easy it would be to become a murderous stalker in this age. Or maybe they could’ve created a satire about why victims in modern horror films don’t take advantage of cellphones and internets like how the original made fun of victims always running up the stairs. Instead, the film just vaguely claims that clichés have changed and there are “no more rules” like the classic “virgins can’t die.” Oh wait, there is one: apparently “gay guys can’t die in horror movies,” says one character. What?
answers are a few from here
Justin Bieber: Never Day Never No Strings Attached Blue Valentine Black Death WWE: Wrestlemania 27
The Mechanic The Rite The Other Woman The Roommate
In the first Scream approximately how many gallons of fake blood were used during filming?
The film’s iconic mask is modeled off of the painting The Scream by which artist?
Laurie Metcalf plays the killer, Mrs. Loomis, in Scream 2. She’s notable for playing the sister in what 1900s sitcom?
What is the name of the fictional horror movie being filmed within Scream 3?
21
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The Black Sheep Interviews:
David Gordon Green and Danny McBride We got a chance to sit down with director David Gordon Green and actor/writer, Danny McBride to chat about dicks, booze, life, and their new movie, Your Highness, which premiered on April 8th. As it turns out, we all enjoy writing, tequila, and dick jokes. TBS: I know you guys went to school with each other and have worked together on quite a few things in the past, but how did you guys meet and get started collaborating with each other? McBride: David and I lived on the same floor of the same dorm our freshman year of college and Jody Hill, who we work on Eastbound with, also lived in that hall, so we were all “dorm-neighbors,” I guess. It was my first year of college and David’s second year. And right when I got to film school, you know, everyone has copies of these student films and David’s was one of the first student films I saw. It was called Will You Lather Up My Rough House? It ends with two grown men in a bathtub, bathing each other, and I instantly knew I wanted to become friends with him after that. [laughs] TBS: What was your guys’ college experience like? Did you have a “go to” activity when you had free time? Big into the party scene? DGG: I think it was just, the college experience, you know. I had an amazing four years at school. Danny kind of lived at the party house, so that’s kind of where we would destroy things. McBride: Yeah, you know, we went to an art school and we were in the film school. The film school was new, so it was just a bunch of dudes who were nerds, who liked movies and talked about movies all the time. There was also a dance school there, so we just spend all of our time watching movies and chasing dancers around. DGG: Or Danny would dance. [laughs] It was a pretty great place though, it was a normal college, but with a lot of movies. TBS: Would either of you say that there is any sort of process to your guys’ creative collaboration or has it come differently each time? DGG: It’s a little different with each one, but I think overall the process is like, have a good script that we feel good about, and then get in there and do some improv, and let it loose, and not feel obligated or restricted to something. It’s not a big rehearsal or formal process, it’s more like get in there and have some fun. TBS: So, when you guys are initially brainstorming, are you just bouncing ideas off each other until you find something that works and then writing it out? McBride: Exactly. We approach things very similarly; we like to just really invent the movie in front of the camera. We’ll work hard on the script and make sure the story is there, and that it works as a movie, but like David was saying, we don’t waste a lot of time with rehearsal or anything. We like to have all of those imperfections play out on camera. TBS: You said that this movie was something that you had been wanting to make for like, 10 years now. What held you back before or what it made it possible to do now? DGG: No one would let us make this before. [laughs] McBride: Yeah, it was an idea that we had almost as a joke. It was like, if we ever get to a point in our careers where people would trust us making a crazy movie, this would be a fun one for us to do. After Pineapple Express and this other film I was in, The Foot Fist Way that was at Sundance, and after Pineapple Express, David was being considered for bigger Hollywood films and I was suddenly being considered for other films also. It was kind of on a lark, you know, this idea that started out as a joke. We pitched it at a meeting one day and people bid on it. From there, David and I were constantly pinching each other, like… this is really happening. TBS: It looks like you guys had a blast making this movie— what makes an adventure-comedy film like this or Pineapple Express so much fun to make? McBride: I think a lot of it’s about who you’re making it with. On Pineapple, we had a really great crew, and with this, it was the same thing. We were all in Belfast, outside of our comfort zone. You’re stuck there making dick jokes and swinging swords around; it’s kind of hard not to have fun doing that. TBS: Like you just mentioned, you guys worked with an awesome cast in this movie and have worked with other great people in the past, but is there anyone in particular that you’ve always wanted to work with and just haven’t had the opportunity to yet? McBride: You’ve always wanted to work with Gaddafi, right? DGG: Gaddafi, yeah. We’re working on a screenplay with him. [laughs] DGG: I really want to work with Richard Pryor or Ruth Gordon, but they’re both dead, so it’s not going to work out, unfortunately. McBride: I’d love to work with Eddie Murphy, but isn’t he dead too? [laughs] DGG: That’s fucked up. [laughs] TBS: The other staff members and I who write for this paper always joke about our “dick joke journalism.” How do you guys know when you’ve made too many blowjob jokes or not enough? McBride: I don’t think there could ever be enough. [laughs] I mean, with this kind of movie too, with all of the sorcery, In 2009, McBride was There are more than 26 mileverything is so phallic with these dudes and their swords a contract lionoffered porn sites waving around. This, of all movies, seemed like it just opened to play professional itself up to be able to be a pantheon of the greatest dick jokes baseball with the ever. TBS: You guys mentioned that quite a bit of was improvised. Pensacola Pelicans, As long time friends and working with other cast members a minor league team who you’re familiar with, I can see how you could get off in the Independent on tangents sometimes. Is it difficult when it comes time to League. decide whether to keep something or cut it when you’re not a following a strict script? DGG: We have a great editor, Craig Albert. He’s the guy who works with us on our movies and he really helps us find the balance. I think you need to go too far sometimes though; you
?
DID YOU KNOW
bailey walsh wrote this can shoot too much and then you can always bring it back when you need to in the editing room. You have to always challenge yourself and push yourself over the edge and have the balls to do it, so that you can know, “Okay, we’ve done the most we can do.” Maybe there’s a serious scene and we shot the funny version of it, just trying to play the contrast of the emotion on the page. Sometimes you can be in the moment of production and think something is really funny and then see it in playback and be like, “Alright, that doesn’t really fit.” TBS: I know you guys are working on Season 3 of Eastbound and Down, but do either of you have anything else in the works that we should know about? McBride: I shot a movie last summer in Grand Rapids called 30 Minutes or Less, directed by Ruben Fleischer who also directed Zombieland. It’s Aziz Ansari, Jesse Eisenberg, Nick Swardson and myself, and that comes out this summer. DGG: I’m editing a movie now that I shot in New York with Jonah Hill and it’s about him taking three kids on a coke run with him. We’re still debating when that will come out, but it will probably be this year. I’m also working on a horror script and an MTV cartoon that we both worked on that will come out in October. TBS: Awesome. For all the other aspiring writers out there, do you have any last words of wisdom? McBride: Whew, what do you think, Green? You have some words of wisdom… McBride: We’re actually in an interesting place because we get to make the stuff we’re writing, which I think for us, it’s easy with a comedy to sit in a room and beat yourself up over the punch lines and the jokes. And to us, that’s what we’ll work on last because you know once you have a great cast on set, you can always push the joke further. So, I feel like for me personally, it’s more important in that scriptwriting process to make sure the characters can act and the script makes sense and not to beat yourself up over punch lines because you know, if you’re improvising and that kind of stuff, you can always beat yourself when you’re on set. DGG: From a writer’s perspective, I think it’s all about structure and then from a director’s perspective, it’s all about casting. If I’m handed a script that has great structure and put a crappy cast together, I’m not going to be able to do anything with that. But, if I have that structure and have a cast that can bring that to light, as Danny said, you can kind of embellish it and fill in the blanks when it comes to the jokes. TBS: Last question - what’s the first drink you order when you get to the bar? McBride: I’m a tequila man. [laughs] I like to drink tequila and then nurse beers. That’s my recipe for disaster. DGG: I go straight for a can of Tecate.
alma mater search n find: can you find all the hidden items?
Timetravel Honeymoon:
David Duchovny David Lee Roth David Spade David, the statue
Tandem bicycle Razor scooter Boatcar Servant boy
2006 New Orleans 1946 Hiroshima 2004 Indonesia 2140 Skynet headquarters
Wife:
Best Wedding Gift:
Future Career:
Holly Madison Holly Flax Holly Golightly Holly Hunter
Used Chumbawumba CD Home abortion kit Tandem lapdances Lifetime supply of mayo
Turkey artificial inseminator Spaceship crash dummy Taco Bell meat inspector Blackface enthusiast
FIRST DATE:
Wedding Singer:
Cause of Death:
Sex shop Prison conjugal visit room Bus terminal Blimpie
Aqua cover band Adam Sandler Bassnectar Chet Haze
Beaver stampede Hot sauce overdose Global Bieberization iPhone 32 explosion
HUSBAND/WIFE: ______________FIRST DATE: ______________ MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: ______________
Movie Quiz
Mode of Transportation:
1. 50 2. Edvard Munch 3. Roseanne 4. Stab 3
Husband:
Answers
MASH
Circle one option in each category and unlock the mystery to your ideal (or not so ideal) future life. If you're lucky, you may even get to do David Spade or Holly Hunter, own a boatcar, have a honeymoon in 1946 Hiroshima, and die from a beaver stampede. Woohoo!
BEST WEDDING GIFT ______________ WEDDING SINGER: ______________ TIMETRAVEL HONEYMOON: ______________ FUTURE CAREER: ______________ CAUSE OF DEATH: ______________
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