The Black Sheep
FR EE ... Lik e kn hea ee lin wi g M th yo arcu ur s fa Lat ith tim ! ore ’s
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 11 11/8/12 -11/14/12
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MARCUS LATTIMORE WINS PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IN SOUTH CAROLINA
Sarah Cardinale wrote this After the tragic, heartbreaking, career-threatening injury Marcus Lattimore sustained to his right knee during the University of South Carolina vs. Tennessee game, the state of South Carolina and every USC fan mourned. Soon, though, fans pulled themselves out of their sadness spirals, fought off hangovers, and rallied behind the running back, showing their support and sending prayers his way. Vice President Joe Biden even sent his well wishes to dear Latty, and after word spread of Biden’s approval of Lattimore, the 21-year-old soon found himself being nominated as a write-in on the ballot for the President of the United States in Tuesday’s election. Thousands upon thousands publicly supported the college junior’s non-bid for the White House. Though the injury was gruesome, the severity of it quickly helped Lattimore ascend the ranks of inspirational sports stories, making him one of the most remarkable figures in sports. How many other players get injured, only to have both teams surround him? No wonder he did so well at the ballot box! Sure enough, the people of South Carolina voted for our beloved athlete. This reflects a simple fact: South Carolina citizens have had enough of the political drama being thrown like monkey shit around by both parties. Democratic nominee and current President Barack Obama and Republican nominee and Olympic horse owner, the former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney, are both are deserving of The Palmetto State’s scorn. Marcus won the election in the state of South Carolina by an astonishing landslide, with Mitt Romney trailing behind in a distant second and President Obama just behind him in a narrow third. Surprised? The Black Sheep isn’t! Marcus gathered huge amounts of votes mainly in the Midlands and the Low-country (Gamecock territory), while the Upstaters (Clemsonites) gave most of their votes to the long-dead Strom Thurmond. Though national politicians were shocked by the results, most people around Columbia weren’t too surprised. We’ve already made October 29th the official “Marcus Lattimore Day.”
What to do over thanksgiving break
The mystery of what exactly was going on in voters’ minds on Election Day continues to get stranger. Coming in fourth was USC head football coach Steve Spurrier, and just trailing behind him in fifth sat dead racist Strom Thurmond. These poll results show what is truly on South Carolinian’s minds this election season, Football, football, and f*ck the current political environment! So, what exactly happened? Many experts speculate that South Carolina voters are just plain dumb (couldn’t be!). Others defend the voters, saying that they had had enough with the theatrical politics and wanted a “Strong young man who looks like he can carry the country on his shoulders, even with his two bad knees,
what’s inside
the black sheep exclusive
Rest, sleep, eat. Repeat.
how to not let your significant other get fat over thaksgiving break.
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and he’d do a damn better job than the other noms!” However, the mystery of how Strom Thurmond even ended up on the ticket remains. Maybe South Carolina is still a little bit racist? Just a little bit. South Carolina hasn’t changed much over the years and this is shockingly apparent with the state’s election results. Between the votes for an injured football player, our crazy old coach and a dead racist, South Carolina’s priorities are clearly in line. At least the voters know what they really want, unlike the rest of our f*cking country.
The Top Ten People You See at T. Coop Old people, bro’s, ho’s and everything in between!
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contents page 5: from the streets If you could be any animal what would you be?
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 6: Religious Zealot Injures someone while attempting to save them with God
Table of
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU.
page 11: the black sheep interviews we sit down with AWOLNATION, the brainchild of Aaron Bruno.
page 12: bartender of the week Jung from Jake’s is a professional golfer in another life.
page 13: An Ode to Bacon The more you eat the better you feel, so let’s eat bacon for every meal! ... wait.
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page three p e e h S k The Blaicle App Mob
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word of the week Brotive:
Any reason a guy lists for joining a fraternity.
“Dylan’s brotives for rushing were simple: beer and sex.”
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What to do over Thanksgiving Break usc staff wrote this Landing just before exams and a real vacation, Thanksgiving break offers only a short respite from the angst of school. Since Thanksgiving break is awkwardly placed just before winter break and final exams, most people have no choice but to do nothing but eat turkey for five straight days. Fear not, there are other options besides sitting at your parents’ house worrying about finals. Nothing: Don’t do anything. College can be exhausting and this is a perfect time to work on letting off some of that accumulated steam. You’ve been working hard, this Thanksgiving slowly fall asleep with a belly full of turkey. You can dream of a life where Marcus Lattimore’s knee is still physically attached to his body. Make a Facebook Status so everyone knows where you areHomeward Bound!!! <3, Back in the (insert area code here) etc. etc.: If it’s not on Facebook, you might as well not even come home. How else will you make sure your high school sweetheart— the one that broke your heart—is too ashamed to step foot in your mutual social circle? Black Friday: Everyone has a family member that insists on waking up at 3 a.m. on Black Friday to beat the rush in Toys”R”Us. Go with them and enjoy their semi-conscious shopping hysteria. Or disconnect their car battery and observe the frustration and furry while they scramble to solve the problem, just make sure you film it. Football: Everyone watches football over Thanksgiving, but you need to get off your ass and throw around a football with your
family. Tossing around the ole’ pigskin may even help you work off those 10 pounds of blubber manifesting in your lower abdomen. Hey, those Doritos Locos tacos were totally worth it. Sleep: Pay no attention to your family’s remarks about your sleeping schedule, they simply won’t understand that 1 p.m. is a reasonable time to wake up, especially when you couldn’t sleep until 3 a.m. Sleep, and when you wake up, go back to sleep. Surprise your friends: Lie to them and tell them you are staying at school this year because you couldn’t find a reasonable flight. Then sneak into their house and scare the shit out of them while they’re in the shower. Hah, it’s funny because you fell down and broke your pelvis. Watch the parade: Not in Person! Never go to the parade in person, it’s cold, you can’t see anything, there’s no candy, and the smell of grime and homelessness drifts out of the subway and into your face. Sit at home with egg nog and turkey and enjoy the parade in a comfortable location. Watch USC beat Clemson: It’s expensive and sort of inconvenient for students, but the Clemson-USC game is a tradition that every student should be a part of at least once in their life. Make sure to rep your Gamecocks gear among the thousands of Clemson boys with orange pinstriped shirts and an orange bow tie. How original. Eat: Eat everything in sight. You haven’t had food this good in a
long time and you should take advantage of the opportunity at hand. Parents love feeding you when you’re hungry, it’s some sort of instinctive trait. Enjoy the turkey, whether stuffed with a duck inside of a chicken, or fried outside in your redneck deep fryer. Thanksgiving break at your parents’ house can be much, much more than just sitting on their couch watching a full season of Friends, there’s plenty of other pretty boring stuff you can still do! Go take a nap, watch a football game, or see someone you really don’t want to. Hey, you’ll be back in Columbia before you know it.
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From the Streets
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If you could be any animal what would you be? “Definitely a bald eagle, fly around and fish all day, that’s the life.” - Zane
“Probably a pelican, chill on the beach, hang with your friends, fly long distances.”- Austin
“Any kind of dinosaur, I don’t give a shit that they’re extinct.” - Jake
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RELIGIOUS ZEALOT INJURES SOMEONE WHILE ATTEMPTING TO SAVE THEM WITH GOD Sarah Cardinale wrote this
So, you know all of the people who hang around on campus at the intersection between Hardin and Devine handing out Bibles and preaching the word of Jesus? The very same who stand on the back of pick-ups screaming the “Word of God” and damning all of our fine university’s alcoholics to hell? Yeah, those super crazy ones that make the world’s Christians feel like they’re in a cult. The ones who say things like, “You there, the one in the tight-fitting jeans, you’re a harlot!”, “Damn you drunks, God will not stand for your sins!” or “You, the virgin, we’re sure you did something wrong!” Just about everyone has been labeled a sinner while innocently walking by. Do they think someone’s just going to mosey on up to the psycho screaming at a crowd and say, “Please tell me more about how awful I am! I’d love to be part of your gang!” Well, these wackos have finally taken things too far – and this reporter was lucky enough to be on scene and gather the inside scoop. Mallory Ward, a USC senior in history, was hanging outside of Bey’s just last week when she fell victim to a “Godsaving” attempt gone wrong. Ward was just days out of an extensive shoulder surgery, choosing to hang out in the Five Points area enjoying drinking her pain away (because apparently a hefty Vicodin prescription simply wasn’t doing the trick). Whilst innocently sitting on one of the benches between Senor O’Malley’s and Bey’s, when she was approached by one of the church minions disguised as a college-aged girl. Ward describes the girl as being “Friendly enough, though a bit on the fat side…” and the two made quick conversation. While speaking with Mallory about the in-
jury she sustained while competing at a national horse show competition last fall, the disciple told Ward that she was into spiritual healing, offering her by-the-handof-God services to the ailing equestrian. Not one to say no (regrettably), Ward agreed to let the little freak do her “The power of Christ compels you!” voodoo on her. The girl grabbed Mallory’s arm and ripped it from her sling. Being messed up on both booze and Vicodin, Ward was unable to feel any immediate pain, but she knew things were quickly going south when the girl started speaking in tongues whilst swinging Ward’s arm in wide circles that a recently-operated-on arm should not have been capable of doing. After realizing that the girl was speaking nonsense, and thinking her mentally unstable, Mallory immediately tried to escape. However, said escape proved to be futile, and she was forced to sit through the pain-exorcism for an entire five minutes. By the end, Ward found herself lifting a bench just to escape the crazies. Sure, the injured arm would require further surgery, but it would be a small price to pay for escaping this den of sober living and psychosis. Let this be a lesson to those who choose to harbor good will for religious fanatics: When you see religious zealots on the street, run as fast as you can in the other direction. Mallory now has another three months added to her rehab and recovery time, because “God” decided to step in and give her guidance in the form of some crazy hoe praying over her arm with Satan talk. When in doubt, listen to your physical therapist, get out and run.
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The Black Sheep Exclusive:
How to Not Let Your Significant Other Get Fat Over Thanksgiving Break usc staff wrote this
9.) The Exchange Student: Hurriedly poring over math and physics books, this student shines as a beacon of aptitude amongst a sea of socialites. Hey, you can’t fault him for not wanting to work on the family farm like the last twenty-six generations of his family have. 8.) The “All-Nighter”: Droopy eyed, surrounded by coffee cups, entirely disheveled looking, this guy has been here all night slaving away on that accounting project or finishing up his thesis paper that’s due in two hours.
Thanksgiving break has quickly crept up on the student body, and it’s time for everyone to head home to enjoy family time and home-cooked meals. Although fear among people with boyfriends and girlfriends has arisen as this holiday approaches.
7.) The Drunk Couple: Admit it, one thing you would love to cross off your bucket list is to be an exhibitionist right? Be inspired by the drunken couple that stumbles in to T. Coop to hook up in this 24-hour library after a fun night out.
What if my significant other goes home and comes back fat?
Be Upfront: Let him know in the nicest, most vague way possible that getting fat is never an option. Use backhanded compliments and make suggestions. It’s the easiest and most surefire way to prevent scary weight gain. Let Them Know About Drinking Calories: Hey, we all know beer and liquor help pack on the pounds during the year. Try to suggest not drinking such heavily caloric drinks. A nice white wine spritzer at the Thanksgiving dinner table really balances the meal, even if his homophobic uncle keeps giving him the stink eye. Give Them Tips on How to Handle Their Free Time: Nothing is worse than letting your boyfriend or girlfriend waste their free time while they’re home by just sitting around on the couch, munching on chips, watching reruns of Law & Order. Tell them to hit the mall and buy you or something, or make some serious efforts to make friends with a treadmill. Beg Them to Starve It Out During Black Friday: Let them know it’s a ritual of yours to not eat while participating in Black Friday activities, and if she wants to be a part of your future, she’ll do the same. While waiting in line to get in the stores and rushing around aisles trying to get all the deals, they should avoid food at all costs. Suggest Laxatives: It’s simple. Your boyfriend or girlfriend already did the deed, they engulfed the dinner table, enjoyed second helpings and continued on to thirds, and now the weight has absolutely started creeping on. Tell them to take laxatives, it’s all the rage. It may seem drastic, but hey, it’s worse to have a fatty hanging on your arm. Taken seriously, the above tips should get the job done. Think we aren’t serious about this epidemic
People you see at T. Coop 10.) The Dude over 40: Do you even go here? There’s nothing odder than entering T. Coop and seeing an old man taking up a valuable computer or study spot on the main floor. Yeah it’s cool you’re getting your education now, but you’re kind of freaking us young adults out.
There are many factors involved in maintaining a relationship. It’s really cool that you and your boyfriend or girlfriend get along and have stuff in common, but when it comes down to it, the most important part of the relationship has to be the mutual attraction level. Face it, you didn’t start dating them because of their personality.
You know you’re afraid of it, but realistically, how do you put that fear on the table without sounding like a total asshole and potentially ending the relationship? Thankfully you picked up this week’s edition of The Black Sheep, because we have just the steps (from unfortunate experience) as to how to not let your boyfriend or girlfriend get fat over Thanksgiving break.
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6.) The Serious Studier: This person looks like they belong here. Surrounded by books, dressed nicely, minding their own business, and not making T. Coop into a social hour. How they withstand the temptations of spending more time out of the library, we’ll never know. Continue on, smart fellow. sweeping the nation? We did an interview with one senior student at USC who lost his girlfriend to the Thanksgiving weight. TBS: So, explain what happened in the days prior to Thanksgiving break and what happened once you and your girlfriend reunited.
5.) The Frat Boy Study Group: This group of frat boys is obvious to spot, despite dressing their part with new balances and sorority formal t-shirts, they’re either laughing away and having a good ‘ole time, or studying hard, realizing the trouble they will get in if they don’t pass this test or finish this project.
Senior: Well, before she left she was a cute 120 pounds. We talked every night during break and she mentioned she was bored, and that she loved spending time with her mom making cookies and going grocery shopping. But it got me starting to think that this probably isn’t a good idea. TBS: What do you mean? Senior: I didn’t think a cookie or two could do this, but my girlfriend came back to school looking like an Oompa Loompa. She was wearing sweats and a shirt of mine that looked tighter on her than it did on me. How many servings of turkey could she have stuffed in her gobbler?! It just didn’t make sense. TBS: So what did you do after that? Was the weight gain so noticeable that you weren’t attracted to her anymore? Senior: It was horrible! How would you feel if your girlfriend went from normal to linebacker in four days?! I dumped her on the spot, telling her to take her sugar cookies and go! TBS: Did you think this situation was a possibility before Thanksgiving break started? Senior: Absolutely not. I never thought Thanksgiving could be such a curse, I thought we were celebrating the blessing of a feast, not how to abuse it! Family time and having a nice home cooked meal are totally awesome, but not at the expense of major weight gain and looking like a fat slob. Tell your girl or boy to lay off the turkey, stuffing, and desserts and get their asses to the gym during break this year. Thank you and god bless.
4.) The Obnoxiously Loud Group of Girls: This is a group to avoid at all costs. No matter which way you turn or which floor you end up on, there will always be that large, loud group of obnoxious girls having social hour and pretending to look studious. They might be getting some work done, but realistically they’re talking about last night’s happenings and what they’re getting for dinner tonight. 3.) The Lost Freshman: This meager little fellow has probably never seen the likes a building this large, let alone one strictly dedicated to higher learning. T. Coop may appear to be a menacing place the first time you enter, with the 6 floors, thousands of books, and hundreds of computers. This freshman should be commended for actually making the efforts to come to T. Coop, normally those inclinations don’t start so early. 2.) The Guy Who Talks to Himself: This weirdo has his earphones in and stares intently at his computer. From afar they seem normal, but once you’re closer you can see their lips moving and hear the one-sided conversation going on. 1.) The Snacker: Munching and crunching and chomping, why does any person think it’s okay to eat the loudest foods possible in a place that is known for being quiet? T. Coop offers a nice array of vending machine products and a café so the snackers have plenty of material to work with. Their loud eating is more distracting than most annoying habits, so steer clear.
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Every Day Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
THURS. 11/8
Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
FRI. 11/9
Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
SAT. 11/10
Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
Tuesday Boozeday! $2 Domestics
Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports After 10 and All Night! $3 Bourbon/Vodka, $2 Busch Light Cans, and 20 Different $5 Shots
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Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports After 10 and All Night! $3 Bourbon/Vodka, $3 Fireball, $2 Busch Light Cans, and 20 Different $5 Shots
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Wine Night! $3 Glasses of Wine All Night Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
$1 Wells NFL Monday Night Football
$2 Mich Ultra, $2 Blue Moon, $4 Fireball Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports
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Taco Tuesday! $5 Taco Basket Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
Tuesday Boozeday! $2 Domestics
$2.50 Yuengling, $2 Tequila, $3 Virgil Kaine Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $2 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports
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ou y n a c y O sa ? e i v o m s i see th
In honor of Veteran’s Day, and just because we generally love America more than any other publication on the planet, we went ahead and reviewed four upcoming movies that will bring out the patriot in you. If you don’t leave the theater chanting “USA!” after these movies, then you can see yourself to Canada, friend-o. By: Brendan and Quinn
Lincoln: Nov. 16
Django Unchained: Dec. 25
Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t a stranger to taking on powerful American motifs (There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, The Crucible, etc.), so expect nothing short of greatness as he takes on Honest Abe in the twilight of his presidency. Steven Spielberg focuses the film on Lincoln’s struggles to unite the country and permanently end slavery with the Thirteenth Amendment.
Where Lincoln focuses on some boring white bureaucrats looking to reunite a divided America through the guise of ending slavery, Django Unchained promises no such thing. Quentin Tarantino’s latest is a western that sees a recentlyfreed slave and his bounty hunter buddy searching for Django’s enslaved wife, Broomhilda.
Since the film focuses on latter-day Lincoln, DayLewis won’t be shirtlessly wrestling townboys or chopping down wood. Don’t worry, you’ll still get a nice American pride-boner in watching a vehement president willing his country forward despite a drastically (and literally) dichotomous nation. Such is a boner we just don’t get very often these days.
This movie is nothing less than a blood-spattered Declaration of Independence. Life? Well, by default everyone in this movie is alive (for part of it). Liberty? It’s a film featuring a freed slave hunting down his wife so she too can ascend beyond the shackles of bondage. The pursuit of happiness? Uh, getting laid and killing slave owners should make most anyone grin ear-to-ear.
But, much like Pursuit of Happyness provided a peppering of “the American Dream is still real” for down-and-out viewers, and Jurassic Park gave hope to disenfranchised dinosaur enthusiasts - Lincoln will hopefully inebriate the American people into hoping a divided nation can move forward as a union and that legislators would realize a house divided against itself really won’t stand. We’ll also inevitably yearn for a time when we could have a president whose debatable religious affiliation and beard wouldn’t instantly draw months of media coverage and “terrorist” accusations.
Beyond that, the trademark Tarantino stylization mimics the way we choose to view those early American documents we hold so sacred. A black slave named Broomhilda Von Shaft? Only possible in a Tarantino flick, much the same way we conveniently look past the inherent racism in those early documents. Freedom of speech (for white people). Freedom to elect leaders (for white people). Freedom to bear arms (for white people). Freedom to enjoy Django Unchained outside of historical context (for everyone).
Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: Here stepped out upon the world’s stage now with the fate of human dignity upon our hands. Blood’s been spilled to afford us this moment.
Our Favorite Trailer Quote: Kill white people and they pay you for it? What’s not to like?
Red Dawn: Nov. 21
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Nov. 16
This fall we’ll be treated to the rehashing of a 1984 movie that frames the Cold War versus the Soviets in a way that romanticizes revolt in the face of Communist conquest. This 2012 flick paints the evil-but-inept North Koreans as invaders of Washington, the state. Oh America, land of the paranoid and home of the almighty dollar. Since the days of Alexander Hamilton the United States has always been concerned with her positioning on the world’s stage. This movie calls out to these fears because really, North Korea, a country swept by famine and sporting a paper tiger military is going to somehow launch a secret invasion on American that we couldn’t repel in like…10 minutes. Unless…
If you’re thinking, “Wait, the last three movies were like, super American, and this isn’t American at all,” it’s because you’re a typical American, looking to be spoon-fed easily-digestible content. And that’s what makes the final installment of Twilight American. It spoon-feeds easily digestible content to the greatest demographic on the planet: teenage girls. None but the entertainment powerhouse that is America could churn out four vampire-themed romance novels at a fourth grade reading level, then turn those four shitty books into five shitty movies that make upwards of $700,000,000 each. EACH!
Unless, of course, the movie was shot with China as the bad guys, and last-minute changes were made because money is more important than artistic integrity. Uh huh, in post-production the bad dudes were changed to North Koreans even though, again, an attack by them would result in the swift and total annihilation of anything sporting a PRK logo. Do you smell that? It’s not napalm, it’s money.
Nothing is more American than profiting off of young girls’ emotions, cramming it down the rest of the world’s throat, and distracting us from harsh, difficult realities with an easy to argue Team Jacob vs. Team Edward debate. As you leave the theater, nothing should make you more proud than knowing that that theatric abortion is one of the stabilizing forces in the failing global economy. USA! USA! USA!
Our Favorite Trailer Quote: We inherited our freedom, now it’s up to all of us to fight for it.
Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: So beautiful... we are the same temperature now.
the interview
awolnation
We caught up with Aaron Bruno, the founder and front man of the electric rock band AWOLNATION. Their latest album Megalithic Symphony was released in March 2011 and is available on iTunes. He was nice. By Michael McSherry The Black Sheep: So let’s hear a little bit about how the tour is going so far. What are some of the best and worst things about it? Aaron: The best part is getting to travel around the country – we’re selling out almost all of our shows, and it’s a huge accomplishment to be the band that gets to headline. The hard work paid off. We had to build it from scratch, and we were so different from anything else when we started. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s very flattering and humbling to see the fruit of your labor. And the worst part about this tour, well, it’s not easy to maneuver around like I used to be able to. I can’t just walk out into the crowd and watch the other bands that I’ve become friends with. I can’t just wander around the vicinity of the venue. TBS: Well, AWOLNATION has been very well received in a relatively short amount of time since its founding a few years back. Megalithic Symphony has gone platinum in the United States and double platinum in Canada. Millions of people are hearing you on their TVs and online. With all this going on, where do you see AWOL going from here? Any big plans on the horizon? Aaron: I try not to see too far. I try to think of what’s the next goal, what’s the next thing I have control of. It seems like the ball is rolling; it’s a machine that’s got a lot of life left in itself (laughs). So I try to focus on the new songs I’m writing, getting excited about the new stuff and pushing myself and the listeners into new and uncharted waters. Hopefully the listener and I can grow together. TBS: AWOLNATION is your brainchild. Let’s hear about how you got the whole project started. Aaron: I never really “started” the band; it was already happening, if that makes sense. I’ve always been writing these songs, and with my previous bands it was always collaboration, so I figured if we ever wanted to do something solo I’d have some songs to put into it. When my last band broke up, I had all of these songs I’d written so I figured great, I’ll record them. For me, writing is something that I can’t stop doing, and if you’re really passionate about something, it never really goes away. When it came together, I called it AWOLNATION, something I had in my back pocket for a while. TBS: What’s the strangest thing that’s happened so far on this tour? Aaron: Countless things, but the thing that really stuck with me was at our first show on the concert. We were in Philadelphia and it was a free outdoor concert, so about seven thousand people showed up. It poured rain, right after Imagine Dragons played, so you know, perfect timing of course (laughs). So it got delayed maybe forty-five minutes while it was raining, and we figured everybody would just pack up and go home. We were going to play no matter what, even if only two people stuck around, because that’s what you do. But when we got out there, it seemed like nobody had even left. People were soaked, crowd-surfing, and it was beautiful. Then, out of nowhere, a bride and groom just showed up on stage. They must have walked right out of their reception to grab a cigarette or something, but they were up there on stage with us. So we’re playing this sort of dirty, grimy, epic show, and then you see a bride in all white. And it was just so absurd to see, and I’m still not sure what to think about it. TBS: Last question… Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj. One joins your group, one covers your songs, and one loses their voice. You choose. Aaron: Did you just say Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj? (Pauses) This is difficult, so thank you for that . I’m not particularly fond of any of them… I guess I would say I’d want Nicki Minaj to join the band. Miley Cyrus has got to lose her voice. Justin Bieber can cover us—he would reach the most ears at least. I’m going to have to ask everybody else what they think.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Lincoln in theaters november 9
Abraham Lincoln is all the rage these days (hunting vampires and what not), but this film is a bit different than that. Directed by Steven Spielberg, Daniel Day-Lewis stars as the 16th U.S. president as the film focuses on his crazy final months in office. Also starring Tommy Lee Jones and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, this movie validates anyone who has two last names.
breaking amish Sunday, November 11 at 9pm on TLC
This riveting show follows Amish teens battling with the decision to stay with their Amish culture and family, or to bust on out to get drunk in New York City. In the season finale, secrets are revealed, tempers flare, and Abe and Rebecca realize planning a wedding is hella hard. Not as hard as milking a cow and not using electricity, but still pretty damn hard.
Crystal castles - iii Out November 13
If you think Crystal Castles is so 2010, think again. Alice Glass and Co. are back with their third album, addressing the theme of oppression, which includes album art of an award-winning photo of a mother and son who were teargassed in Yemen last October. If that doesn't scream party, then meta electronic beats, diverse sounds and Glass screaming her face off should.
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week jung jake’s How long have you been bartending here and when’s the best time to find you: I’ve been workin’ here since we opened in August of ’11 and I’m usually here for weekday happy hours. What’s your favorite part about bartending at Jake’s: I’d have to say it’s meeting an assortment of different and interesting people. If you didn’t bartend what would your dream job be: Definitely a professional golfer. What makes your bar special compared to others: We’ve got killer employees and a big-ass deck.
the drinking game
wizard duels Sometimes drinking can give you the illusion that you have magical powers. However, what’s the point of having magic powers if you don’t get to carry around a big-ass wizard staff? What You’ll Need: Beer and tape. Number of Players: At least two. Level of Intoxication: If you’re going for “Gandalf the White” status, then you’ll get pretty smashed. How to Play: - Find a partner or group of people and get a case of beer to share. - Put on some rap music and begin drinking the beer. - Once you finish two beers, tape them together at the ends. - Attach each subsequent empty beer to the end of your new wizard staff. - After every five beers you “battle the Balrog,” which means you take a shot. - Once you run out of beer, or are not brave enough to continue drinking, pick a partner and duel with them using your staff. We know wizards do not typically have sword fights with their staffs, but it must happen sometimes, right? The Game Ends When: Once the duel has a decisive victor, the winner is awarded another beer. The loser also gets a beer for a consolation prize. With The Hobbit about to hit theaters in just above a month’s time, it would be a good idea to practice your wizard staffing now. It is also just a good skill to have. You never know when a dragon is gonna threaten your fellowship.
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What’s one thing about you people would be surprised to find out: Believe it or not, I’m a bartender that hasn’t had a drink in 6 years. Would you rather immerse your naked body in a bathtub of cockroaches or dive naked into a pool of tobacco spit: Shit, this is a tough one. I’d have to go with the roaches. What’s your favorite drink to make: Martinis, they’re just such classics. What specials does Jake’s offer: Three special nights. Monday is pitcher night, Tuesday we have $2 Fireball shots, and Wednesday is pint night.
Recipe for Disaster
pizza ramen Ramen and pizza are quite literally the only things that our editor ever eats. This is not uncommon for a college student, however. Ramen is really the only thing you need; pizza is just for special occasions, like NBA games and drunk splurging. What You’ll Need: Prego pasta sauce, sausage, mozzarella, pizza crust, pepperoni, and Ramen noodles. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: More sodium than you can possibly fathom. Let’s Get Baked: - Boil up some water and toss in the Ramen to cook. - Either grill the sausages or cook them in a pan on a stove top. - Heat up the Prego on the stove. Place cooked Ramen and sausage into the sauce and mix. - Spread the mixture onto the pizza crust (which is even better if you warm it in the microwave first) and top with mozzarella and pepperoni. - Go be poor some more. If this recipe was any more “college” it would have beer and cigarettes in it. The great thing about ramen is that it goes with almost anything. Don’t be afraid to get crafty and throw some weed in it or something. The world is your oyster.
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an ode to bacon
alex everard wrote this
Bacon—a word known to all people on earth A substance immeasurable, in terms of its worth Its taste is divine, its scent always pungent The term “delicious bacon” is simply redundant It was created long ago, when man lived in caves And Wildboarous rex roamed the Earth for days With a spear, a vision, and a hunger most primitive Man created bacon and began to truly live It was cooked with dinosaurs and, of course, their eggs Man first consumed bacon, then walked on two legs Things happened fast, but bacon was there From the wheel to the sea, from the earth to the air The Wright Brothers ate bacon before their first flight Tyson ate bacon before every fight Jordan’s fingers were slick from bacon as he won his sixth ring Bacon is what helps Adele graciously sing But it doesn’t end there, the impact is far greater Armstrong ate bacon inside the Moon’s craters Through good times and bad, bacon’s sustained For our bacon-lust is great and we just can’t refrain Medically speaking, its powers are infinite Did you know the Polio cure had bacon in it? Some may say “Bacon? Bahh, not for me” And claim to be happy while still bacon-free To these people I ask, “Have you not lived?”
Have you not taken all of what bacon can give? Have you not tasted bacon, fresh cooked and sizzled Placed directly on your tongue and then happened to jizzle? It’s perfectly natural; all baconovours have them Referred to by science as a “Bacongasm” Buy nay, do not join us, live life in your own light Because if bacon gets short, you’re one less person to fight Remember the country you live in today And those who fight to eat bacon our way In piles, in heaps, by the truck and the pound The most American act is scarfing bacon down Coal turns to diamond, pig turns to bacon If you don’t like this meat your tongue is mistaken It has given us all more than we can measure Picking us up through the stormiest weather When cooking bacon, always wear a shirt To avoid being burned, splattered, and hurt Serving this treat is all up to you Eat it off platters, plates, or you kinky friend’s boobs The taste is the same; some say it’s a miracle But man’s connection with bacon is deeply spiritual And as I make my breakfast each ‘morn I thank the Bacon Gods I was born For I have enjoyed the purest form of happiness
In fact, I’m eating bacon right now as I’m drafting this To my fellow friends and baconosseurs, I thank you for recognizing bacon’s allure And for those who still doubt, well, that’s okay Just remember that bacon will be there one day Bacon is joy, bacon is new beginnings Bacon is salvation for all of your sinning Bacon can be frozen and made into jerky But there’s one thing it’s not! and that’s fucking turkey So only eat true bacon when you choose to indulge And try to ignore that mid-belly bulge Bacon, mankind owes you everything and more Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the store.
C OU HECK RS O C B UT OO TS!
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the riddle
Can you figure out this riddle? Do you know the answer to said riddle? Wow, really!? Well, send your answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win something sweet!
the classtime
rappers and their lyrics Across
2) It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine 6) With so much drama in the LBC, it’s kina hard bein’ ____ 8) Fake shoes, that’s that shit I don’t like 9) I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one 10) Black and yellow, black and yellow 14) See Caroline, all the guys would say she’s mighty fine 16) ‘Cause shotgun bullets are bad for your health 17) Move, bitch, get out the way 18) You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime 20) Ten, ten, ten twenties on ya titties, bitch
4) Now baby you’re the truth, so I’m just being honest. You treat me like a kind, so that’s why you’re my highness. 5) Kick, push. Kick, push. 7) ___ ain’t nothin’ to f*ck with. 11) Today, I didn’t even have to use my A.K. I got to say, it was a good day. 12) To all, skeet, skeet, motherf*cker! All, skeet, skeet, god damn. 13) I do suicides on the private jet, you know what that means? I’m fly to death. 15) Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit. 19) I don’t hate players, I don’t love the game. I’m the shot clock, way above the game.
Down
1) So I pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head 3) That’s just the way it is, things’ll never be the same, that’s just the way it is
Answers
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