The Black Sheep
FR EE de ... Li greeke u as sing to a ile Cle tp m ap so er n !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 12 11/15/12 -11/29/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepusc
The Dabo Diss
Anita Newman wrote this
If your apparent lack of intelligence has you scratching your ass thinking -“How the hell am I going to get a job?” - fear not. If Clemson head football coach Dabo Swinney can do it, anyone can. With the number sixty-three representing both his I.Q. and average traveling speed on thirty-five mph country roads, million-dollar-Dabo is evolutionary proof that bullshitters can get ahead, no matter how stupid they are. A product of the prestigious Alabama school system, Dabo was born n’ raised in da backwoods. It was 1969, the year of love, when Dabo emerged from his mother’s haunches. Legend has it the doctor smacked everyone in the room. In elementary school Dabo stood out, properly spelling the word “daggonit” to win his sixth grade spelling bee. By the time he learned to read and write he was already accepted into college. Dabo was a walk-on wide receiver and a Pi Kappa Alpha frat star at the University of Alabama, where he claims to have spent three years sharing a bed with his mother. Pending the confirmation of this fact, it remains unclear if any freaky threesomes occurred during this period. Against all odds, Dabo made it out of college alive and still able to articulate a semi-coherent sentence. Having already met the criteria for unnecessary arrogance and poor decision-making, the above facts qualified him as the perfect candidate for head football coach at Clemson University. They say to be successful you have to be smarter than what you’re working with. This is probably why Dabo is so at home in good ol’ corn country South Carolina. Between the radiation-leaking power lines, nuclear reactors and carbon monoxide cow farts, Clemson’s mental competence per capita is well below the national average. Citywide EEGs found that, on average, holes in the brains of city residents were comparable to the likes of Keith Richards and Ozzy Osbourne—
Farm animals run rampage
damaged beyond repair. And, for whatever reason, these drooling carbon life forms worship the ground Dabo’s size ten feet walk on. There is a reason people are sitting on his face when they pass out on bus stop benches. There is a reason that half of the city looks at his face when they buy their toilet paper and daily double fistfuls of Colt 45. He’s a certified redneck rock star. And shooee-ee, in his patch of Nothingsville, Emperor Dabo reigns supreme. But, as we won’t soon forget, last January trash-talking Dabo, the former ‘Bama national championship tag along, was stunned by a record-breaking ass whooping. Play after play after play, West Virginia penetrated and inseminated Clem-
what’s inside
Hipster’s Guide to Sorority Life
Horses, cows, pigs - all unrecognizable among Clemson student body.
Lose that sense of individuality girlfriend, it’s time to blend in!
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son’s end zone like an unlubricated glove in a horse’s vagina. For Carolina fans, it was a disgustingly satisfying feeling as we watched Clemson’s village idiots reduce themselves to a level of bitchery not seen in all of Division I college football’s 109 years. The young coach managed to keep his job, and instead got his defensive coordinator fired…Ata’ boy Swinney, keep puttin’ them collard greens on the table. When he’s not blatantly breaking the law or getting innocent policemen fired for his own wrongdoings, you can find Dabo reading speeches someone else wrote, or staring blankly in between questions at a loser’s press conference, with a resting face resembling that of a disgruntled sugar glider. It has been said that the formula for success is to under-promise and overachieve—Congratulations on doing neither, Dabo. Roll Tide.
Top Ten Homecoming Events you Probably Won’t Attend Cock Banners! Cock Parades! Cock Tailgates!
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contents page 5: from the streets
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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Have you ever been to a Clemson-USC game?
page 7: Why We Hate Clemson
Table of
You know what weed and Clemson both have in common? THEY BOTH GET SMOKED IN BOWLS!
pages 10-11: turkey time! What did your childhood hand-turkey say about you?
page 12: bartender of the week Nick from Pinch is a solid 7.
page 13: Thanksgiving in 3000 Thanksgiving suppositories: Twice the nutrients, double the stuffing.
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page three
Pic
of the
Week!
Black Friday
“The One Day a Year When Your Mom Isn’t Your Mom Anymore”
Sexy Anagrams
“How come no one believes this is my uniform and I’m back from duty...” (Want to bcome famous next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Rearward Job Sent
Fecal Seems Jest
Do you know who these hotties are?
last week’s answers
Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Kristen Bell & Jared Leto
word of the week Lamerick:
A popular quote or turn of phrase that transcends annoying, to become repugnant. “There once was a woman named Coco/Who always would shout out, “YOLO!”/Then one day/All her friends went away/Because holy shit, that lamerick is fucking annoying.”
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theblacksheeponline.com
FARM ANIMALS RUN RAMAPGE AROUND CLEMSON CAMPUS, 92 STUDENTS INJURED Sarah Cardinale wrote this
Clemson suffered a tragic loss last week as 92 of their students fell victim to farm animals rampaging wildly across campus, leaving many students injured and even more students horny. Ten of those hurt in this tragic accident still remain in critical condition at the local infirmary, which consists of a tent and people who take the phrase “bite the bullet” entirely too seriously. The incident started early Tuesday when all the cows, chickens, goats, sheep, pigs, horses, geese, and ducks Clemson keeps around to butcher every morning for their students’ breakfasts and lunches were mysteriously let loose. This began a stampede in a scene similar to when Scar killed Mufasa in the childhood nightmare fuel, The Lion King. Rumor has it Dabo Swinney could be heard screaming “NOOOOOOO!” as their quarterback breathily yelled “Dabo… Coach …. HELP ME!” begging for mercy Mufasa-style as the wildebeests trampled him. Tajh Boyd ended up curled in a ball underneath a tree in what he claimed was “The most terrifying near-death experience ever.” Lucky for Boyd, some USC students - who aren’t nearly as heartless as Clemson students - were nearby to tend to his wounds, which only consisted of one minor cut on his pinky finger – what a pussyfoot. Unfortunately for Clemson, all of the farm animals have yet to be caught, leaving students across campus totally sexless. Officials say it will be days before they can gather all the loose animals, as many have started to blend in with the students. Many professors at the university re-
ported calling on the farm animals several times and according the reports, “Were confused ‘cause the animals seemed like they knew what they were talking about when I asked ‘em questions.” It wasn’t until late in the day that the cows and sheep stuck in the classrooms were removed. Unfortunately, the pigs have taken up residence in many of the dorms around Clemson’s campus, and many are refusing to leave. The school has advised students that if they wake up with a pig in their bed to immediately call it a cab and send it back to the Agriculture Department, and to avoid considering sexual intercourse with the animals. The pigs in the dormitories have not been the only problem, chickens have made a nest in Dabo’s office, barricading themselves inside, while a cow and a bull were found mating in the football locker room as several horses were seen gallivanting around the football field. This is not the first time Clemson has had trouble with their loose farm animals, and unfortunately it won’t be the last. They are known for not being too smart, and they often forget to safely latch the gate behind them after teaching their students how to properly care for and milk the cows, which is taught in Farming 101, the most popular class on campus. If Clemson were a real school, they wouldn’t have the problem of pigs taking over and goats throwing ragers in the frat houses. Fortunately for us USC students, it just gives us more reason to make fun of Clemson. It’s becoming all too easy.
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From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Have you ever been to a Clemson-USC game? “I went last year, but choosing between going home for a real meal and spending a weekend at the Clemson bar scene is not very difficult.” - Mark
“No, this year will be my first time.” - Toby
“Yes! I go most years because I’m from the area.” - Kathleen
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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A Hipster’s Guide to Sorority Life Sarah Cardinale wrote this So, you’ve decided to trade in your vintage torn-up jeans and flannel shirt and officially go mainstream, congratulations on trying to be just like everyone else! Maybe you need a change of pace, or maybe your rich daddy dearest got sick of your groupie boyfriend and wants you to find a nice pre-med student to support you. After all, now that you’re a sorority girl you’re prepping for a trophy wife life. Whatever your reasons, you’ve come to the right place. Here are five easy steps to becoming part of the less frowned-upon stereotype: 1.) Change absolutely everything about yourself: Because you have to be just like everyone else. Besides, no one liked you before anyways. Really, how many friends did you have in high school? If you’re actually reading this article for advice - if someone really needs to teach you these fundamentals - not many. Try turning the hate for your old self into something useful, like a cold bitchy attitude that will let everyone know you are the queen bee! 2.) Throw out your entire wardrobe: Let’s be honest. You look homeless and disgusting. Those dirty Converses are no longer cutting it. You now need a variety of colors, you need Jack Rogers, you need Ugg boots, you need cowboy boots, you need to work on that sense of self-confidence. Also, you’re going to need some seriously short skirts and tight dresses, and every Tory Burch and Michael Kors bag you can get your now perfectly-manicured and dirt-free hands on. 3.) Adopt a new, obnoxious way of speaking: Have you noticed how all the Britneys speak exactly the same way? Hipster you probably perfected it when making fun of them, you know, ironically or whatever, so you’re already very well rehearsed. Now you are only allowed to speak that way. Forever. Make sure to add an inflection at the end of every sentence, whether or not you are asking a question. If you’re not annoying everyone around you, you’re doing it wrong. 4.) Never, ever be seen at Bey’s ever again: Drop the dollar drinks, you now have to hang out at Village Idiot and Pav’s every night so some drunk frat boy will buy you expensive drinks that may or may not make you throw up, like a lot. Lucky you! Sawrawity life seem like fun yet?!
5.) Finally, get a new boyfriend: Trade in your grunge-clad groupie for a nice fratastic douche. Make sure he has a huge F150 to make up for his small package and utter lack of sexuality. He also is required to wear slacks and a button down every day, and must have his Ray-Bans with Vineyard Vine croakies around his neck at all times. His favorite activities on Facebook are hunting, fishing, and mudding and ONLY listens to Grateful Dead and Phish. No exceptions. We hope these five tips are enough to get you started. There is plenty more to be done in order to fully submerge yourself in your new culture (like only listening to the radio – none of that cool, indie underground crap. Also dye your hair bleach blonde, pink streaks aren’t welcome in Greek Village). Remember, you’re a no one if you’re not trying to be like everyone else!
The Top 10
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Homecoming Events you probably won’t attend 10.) Official Homecoming Kick Off: Nothing makes a student at USC more excited for an event than loud music blasting through Greene Street while four or five strange kids line up to jump around in the bounce house or play on other lame inflatable games. The kick-off’s only redemption was free popcorn, cotton candy, and koozies via Brittons. Now that’s the spirit! 9.) Homecoming Banners: Banners are pretty cool, right? No? Okay well Greene Street is lined with banners representing every fraternity and sorority team competing this week. It’s easy to tell who gives a shit about the competition and who doesn’t. 8.) Canned Creations: It’s always a doozy watching a bunch of spazzy student sprint around with cans of food attempting to make “creations” that look appealing. Canned Cocky is almost as fun as the real one!
Why We Hate Clemson usc staff wrote this You’re not a real University of South Carolina student unless you hate Clemson with every fiber of your being. Really, you should – we’re better than Clemson in every single way. How? Well, let us count the ways. First, let’s get generic and talk about the rivalry between Clemson and USC, “The Battle of the Palmetto State,” goes all the way back to the 1880s. It began before Clemson even became a real school (is Clemson even a real school now?), a real sexist and racist school mind you, until 1955 it was a military school for white males, no exceptions. So yeah, congrats on that, you white hillbillies. And onto sports. Obviously we have a way better football team. You know what weed and Clemson have in common? THEY BOTH GET SMOKED IN BOWLS – AY-OHHHH! While they have a bunch of no-ones, we have whatever’s left of Marcus Lattimore and the glory that is Steve Spurrier, which just means we’re – you guessed it – better than Clemson’s Dabo “The Douche” Swinney. Have you seen the video of his ridiculous rant from last year? Pathetic, Dabo. It just makes everyone hate you even more. Our colors are also cooler, too. Seriously – Clemson orange and REGALIA? What is regalia anyway? It’s purple, and it’s dumb. The players come out onto the field and no one takes them seriously because they’re wearing PURPLE. Also, they’re the Tigers. Yeah yeah, sure, a tiger may seem more badass than a gamecock. However, that’s inaccurate. Why? How many have a gamecock for a mascot? That’s what we thought. Your argument is invalid. Even in other sports we’re just better. Our baseball team is awesome. Clemson doesn’t even
have a swimming or men’s dive team anymore, we had to take all their rejects because guess what? They weren’t good enough. Also, they don’t have an equestrian team, they have an equestrian “club.” Come on, Clemson. You’re a farm school but you can’t ride horses? Pathetic. Let’s talk about fans, as it was a hot topic this summer. Have you seen the video of the Clemson baseball team attacking USC fans this summer when they lost? Talk about bad sportsmanship. Even their coach got in on the action. According to one fan, the coach came out and started yelling at him, and even attempted to get him thrown out of the game. When that didn’t happen he asked to have more security around him because he “Didn’t feel safe.” Seriously? Is this guy a joke? WE’RE BETTER THAN YOU!
7.) Homecoming Showcase: There’s no better feeling than going to college and having a bunch of events that make you feel like you’re right back in high school. Though the homecoming king and queen pageant is interesting, it would be way better if there was a swimsuit competition. Gstrings and Speedos are mandatory. 6.) Carolina’s #1 Fan: One of our favorite things to do is mock terrible YouTube videos. We get that opportunity during homecoming, where students get to submit their own videos saying why they’re Carolina’s #1 fan. Any student can participate, which allows for a whole new group of overly-excited homecoming supporters we can laugh at. 5.) Homecoming Tailgate: Any Carolina student knows that tailgates are the basis of our existence and the absolute most fun you can have here during football season. This homecoming tailgate might not be as fun as a fraternity tailgate but hey, it’s still a tailgate, right? 4.) Homecoming Parade: It’s always fun to see a parade and all the floats that were made. It’s even better here because everything is themed around a Cock…. Simple and pleasing. 3.) Cockfest: Doesn’t the name say it all? South Carolina is the best at these Homecoming events because of their general naming scheme. Cockfest is actually fun though, because being surrounded by a bunch of your fellow Cocks and cheering on your school is nice way to feel proud and get Cocky. Damn right we are.
More on the Clemson fans. Last year at the football game (that we killed them in), there was a fan in our stands wearing all orange being so completely and redneckidly (is that even a word?) obnoxious. Everyone in the student section booed them, screaming “KICK THEM OUT! KICK THEM OUT!” while they flicked all of us off until security had to escort them out. When they wouldn’t leave they were tased. Sucks to be you, Clemson! Hint: It’s not okay for you to be in our student section. This year, the Clemson v. USC game is taking place at Clemson. While some fans find that frustrating, we should see it as an opportunity to be just as obnoxious as them. How, you may ask? By going out and getting the most cocky outfit you can think of, renting your very own Sir Big Spur and a bull horn, and ride around in a huge tricked out redneck camo truck screaming anything and everything Carolina. Have fun, and let’s kick some Clemson ass.
2.) Step Show: This is an event worth going to. Though before you attend, get very drunk because you will be provided with pure entertainment. Seeing a step show is hilarious. Hearing the chants, watching the moves, and just knowing no matter what, you will always be too uncoordinated to ever participate. 1.) Spurs and Struts: Can you think of anything better than watching awkward frat boys attempt to dance to crappy mash-ups up of the Fresh Prince theme song and LMFAO? Me neither.
usc staff wrote this
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it’s turkey time!
Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn
The Future Serial Killer
The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid
What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.
What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”
Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig — Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.
Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.
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The Protege What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.
The Early Puberty Little Asshole
The Refugee from a War-Torn Country
What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.
What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.
The fatty fat fat fat
The poor poor kid
What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Travis decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Travis began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several x-rays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.
What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.
The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times) What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.
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bartender of the week nick r. pinch How long have you been bartending at Pinch: Close to 3 months now. What’s the best part about bartending here: I’d have to say the group of great regulars is what keeps me coming back. What’s the craziest story about working here: One time around St. Patrick’s Day a kid stumbled into Pinch and did everything in his power to get behind the bar and take a bottle of vodka. It didn’t end well for him. Favorite food around Pinch: I love a greasy slice of New York-style pizza from Pop’s complemented with a Bud Light.
the drinking game
black(out) friday
If you could have any band come play at Pinch tonight who would it be: Having the Red Hot Chili Peppers come play a few songs would turn me on more than you could imagine. Last movie that made you cry: Hmm, I’d have to say Air Bud when I was a kid. What a sweet and talented dog he was. Would you rather live til you’re 35 in America or til you’re 90 as a conjoined twin traveling in a Middle Eastern road carnival: 100% as an American. I enjoy my freedoms and seeing women’s ankles. Rate yourself on a 1-10 hotness scale: A solid 7.
Recipe for Disaster
meaty fumble
Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.
What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to compliment your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.
What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…
What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.
How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.
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Let’s get baked: -Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. -Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. -Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. -Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. -Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. -Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!
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Thanksgiving in 3000:
Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday phil keller wrote this Thanksgiving has come quite a long way since that first awkward, interracial feast. Apparently, the Pilgrims were smart enough to sail all the way across the Atlantic, but were starving because they couldn’t grasp the complexities of corn, maize, or corn mazes. The Indians felt sorry for these sad sacks full of smallpox, in their fancy boy buckles and pantaloons, and helped them survive the winter. This act turned out to be the biggest backfire in history right next to George Lucas trying to resurrect the Star Wars franchise, and Kevin Federline’s parents’ decision to drink too much wine and play a few rounds of “tickling and dickling” in 1977. In the years since the first Thanksgiving, the holiday has gone from a tradition of corn and blunderbusses, to football, awkward family tension, and the customary racist comments from grandparents. If this trend continues, the future of Turkey Day is going to be very different from the holiday that we now know and enjoy. Check that, the holiday we tolerate… through the awesome power of alcohol.
turned the room’s attention into light banter about what the Panthers should’ve done, examined from every possible perspective.
One thousand years in the future, our robot overlords have done away with most holidays, for they have no practical uses. However, our most logically programmed animatronic leader, President-Kingand-Tyrant Barack Robotma, still permits the celebration of Thanksgiving for the time being. In the year 3000, the turkey has gone the way of dinosaur and Pogs, and the preparation of all of the traditional Thanksgiving food has been thought of as inefficient. So, in the future, the entire Thanksgiving spread has been condensed into a single convenient suppository. With the application of a little lubricant and a few seconds of severe discomfort, you can enjoy turkey, potatoes, gravy, beans, corn, cranberries, and three kinds of dip - effectively putting a whole new spin on the word “stuffing.”
In the future, we gather around and watch actual Megatrons seismically spike footballs into literal, genetically manipulated New York Giants on Thanksgiving. Fortunately, the players can entertain for hours without needing rest, so gone are the days of enduring atrocious halftime performances, which, at present day, seem to alternate between geriatric douches like John Cougar Mellencamp and Madonna butchering “God Bless America,” or boy bands that wiggle their tiny dongs around for five minutes. Of course, last year all bets were off when we had to endure ten minutes of Nickelback during halftime of the Lions’ game, as if the city of Detroit hadn’t suffered enough.
Football used to serve as the centerpiece of the day, for it distracted the conversation away from your loud, compulsively gambling uncle, as well as diverting attention away from Grandma saying she’s worried that your half-Pakistani boyfriend of three years is only going to marry you so he can steal you back to his country (she says this in front of him, too, thinking he is her old butler). Yes, football has
Dearest readers, enjoy Thanksgiving while you can; for there may be a time in the future when we our cyborg overlords work us to death in the krypton mines and we have nothing to be thankful for, or even get the day off. So this Thanksgiving, relax, grab a beer, and overeat until you hate yourself. Cherish this feeling, because the future is scary. Just ask Grandma - you can bet she didn’t plan on living to see a filthy moke president re-elected.
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the classtime “Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’” “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiving dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!”
madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130
“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__—who was convicted of trafficking __15__ to the world’s most powerful country, __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!”
“Enough with the introductions “Now here comes a classic—the tur__4__, let’s take a look at what this key balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avparade has to offer!” enue it—Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has burst into flames! It’s “First up today is the wonderful beyond belief! Beyond imagination! __5__ balloon! Can you believe the I can see celebrity balloon handler company chose to brand themselves __20__ running for her life. She— with a __6__? The company really she’s not going to make it! People took a turn for the worse __7__ years are taking shelter in the brand-new ago, when founder __8__ revealed __21__ Building! This is a day that that he’s actually a __9__.” will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!”
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