The Black Sheep
FR E co E... ck Lik ab e a oo ri se de ra on ilr th oa e d.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 1 8/23/12 -8/29/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepusc
Garcia’s Guide To Freshman Year Brought to you by Canadian Football’s Finest - Stephen Garcia stephen garcia wrote this Yeah, so like, search for me on Google and you’ll find that the fourth suggestion is “Stephen Garcia arrested.” I’ve done everything you’re not supposed to do in college, but hell, it’s college, right? Here’s my guide to freshman year. Follow my advice and you too could end up playing ball for THE Montreal Allouettes. Have a lot of sex. Don’t make babies: I had A LOT of sex at USC. Like, seriously bro. It’s easy when you’re the only quarterback to beat Alabama in 19 games. But all that tail came at a price, and that price was a ton of kids. I didn’t have, like, orgies or anything, but I definitely got too many girls pregnant. And that sucks, because now I have to pay child support and whatnot. It’s not that I don’t like having those little ‘Cocks running around, but it’s just that babies are super loud and want so much attention. They take the attention away from those who deserve it – me. And that’s not cool. So yeah, sex is fun, but kids are expensive. Don’t get the ladies preggers. It may feel better with the condom off, but the pain in your bank account burns like an eighteen-year-old with a bout of syphilis. Keggers are rad: I love keggers. I seriously love Keggers more than the old ball coach loves touching his damn hat. After a long, hard practice and gym-sesh there’s nothing better than getting housed at some random apartment. So I have this strategy, fully proven if you’re committed to the rage. I drive into any apartment, wherever bros be chugging, and basically just listen for music. If I hear loud tunes and it looks like there’s a party going on, I just knock on the door. Then the people answer and they’re all like “Oh my god! It’s Stephen Garcia! Come the hell in!” Then I’m all like “I heard about this from one of my friends” (Totally lying, of course.) Then they’re all like “I’m so honored that the quarterback of the best school in the SEC decided to come to my kegger!” Then I’m all like “Show me to your fridge!” Like I said, keggers are rad. I guess this strategy doesn’t work if you’re not me, so yeah, sorry. Don’t hate me cuz you ain’t me.
Hit the Gym for Hotties. USC has some of the most beautiful girls in the country. Seriously. It would suck to be ugly at this school. If you’re looking for a girl in all the wrong places, have no worries, your boy Garcia has some advice. Number one, pick up chicks at the Strom “hotties to the ceiling” Thurmond Wellness Center. They could shoot a damn Maxim centerfold at this place most nights. My sug-
what’s inside
gestion is to get there and blast your pecs on the bench, then head up to the cardio track and pretend to run. Once on the track you will find yourself in booty heaven surrounded by angels in yoga pants. What more could a football player want? CONTINUED ON PAGE 13
Freshman kid, high school swag
Bartender of the week
It’s going to be the hardest class USC offers.
They’ll only learn once, and that’s all they’ll need.
Kacie loves Irish Car Bombs and corn hole.
page 4
page 7
page 12
new adult documentary class
contents page 5: from the streets
What was the best part about leaving home?
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6
page 6: New Sorority, ETA PI, Founded in Russell House
Table of
Whoa, whoa, whoa... did somebody say pie? We prefer strawberry rhubarb.
page 7: the top ten
Things to do as a freshman as USC.
page 10: The Disney Princesses Guys Fawn Over in College Are you feigning for a belle, trying to mess with a mulan, or got your eye on an ariel?
page 11: The Black Sheep interviews
page 11
Louis kha from electronic duo midnight conspiracy!
editorial • sales • pr marketing • distribution weekly newspapers. daily website. mobile apps. regional and national expansion.
now hiring fall interns
this is some of the stuff we're working on... how 'bout you?
apply online at theblacksheeponline.com email us at jobs@theblacksheeponline.com
page three
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
The Black Sheep at the University of South Carolina wants to welcome all students back to Columbia for another eight months of ecstasy. This is The Black Sheep’s first year at the real USC and it’s time y’all get familiar with us. We’re a college newspaper, but we’re not like anything you’ve seen before we’re actually about college. This isn’t your run of-the-mill campus newspaper about boring topics that are hardly relevant to what college students are experiencing; our shit actually happens. Oh, and we’re funny. We talk about what every South Carolina student sees, hears, and does, and we’re coming to you every week. Need to know the best bar specials on campus? We do that. Wondering where to hook up to become a campus legend? We’ll be the only paper to tell you. We cover it all from beer, to regrets to the sad mixture of the two: Stephen Garcia. So when you’re bored in class, spaced out on campus, or in a mood to read, pick up our newspaper. You won’t be disappointed. -Scotty, Campus Manager
Sexy Anagrams
Topless Tuesdays just took an awkward turn... (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Banned Yam As
Mice Tours
Do you know who these celeb hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
word of the week Dilapidating:
Purposely dating a man or a woman of lesser status, solely for the opportunity to manipulate that person.
“Stacy decided to start dilapidating Snaggletooth Mike because she knew she could turn him into her manservant in no time.”
page 4
theblacksheeponline.com
USC to Offer adult documentary Class usc staff wrote this Beginning in the spring 2013 semester, USC is expected to make available to students a new class on pornography. The class is rumored to be a campus-wide initiative which several departments will take part. Originally conceived as a way to garner male interest in the typically female-dominated major of Women’s Studies, the university is already considering the creation of an entirely separate major after the overwhelming amount of interest received from prospective students. The first few semesters in which the class is offered will be used as a base to determine how such a major would fair. Professor Jeremy, the newly hired instructor for the class, is optimistic about the outlook for his course. “I feel like I can bring a lot of knowledge and experience to the classroom,” he said on Tuesday. “Straight from this huge, throbbing brain of mine.” Jeremy also shed some light on the manner in which he will teach this most unusual course. “Well, there’s so much for these kids to learn, and I’m a big believer in repetition. If I grind away enough, eventually everyone will get there. But the class will be predicated on a lot of backand-forth between teacher and pupil as well. Students will also have weekly homework assignments - I don’t think we’ll have any problems with kids not doing the homework. Grades will mostly be based on a mixture of by-hand testing and oral examinations. The final will definitely be a hands-on test - a practicum, if you will.”
The biggest worry about the new course seems to be whether or not enough females will sign up in order to keep group work at a non-awkward level. However, Professor Jeremy noted that, in his opinion, most college females simply don’t want to admit their own interest in pornography. “I really believe that we’ll have a good mixture of males and females, it’s just that the females won’t go screaming around campus that they signed up. I actually think the females will be the ones who are most into the work we’ll be doing, to be honest. Once females see my [course] package,” Dr. Jeremy added, “They tend to be very interested.” Especially excited about the new class are the administrators of the School of Public Health and the School of Medicine. A joint statement by the schools was fully supportive of the new course. “We completely endorse USC’s creation of this new class, as we believe that its presence will provide irreplaceable opportunities for the students in our own fields. The unique structure of this class will provide for some excellent chances for some of our students to study venereal diseases and the ways in which they spread. For instance, where past Human Sexuality courses have failed to adequately portray the pros and cons of the rarelystudied dental dam, we believe this class will thrive. We’re also really happy that we now have a reason to use all that penicillin we accidentally ordered last year.” The Black Sheep has also heard a report that the class is expected to team with broadcast journalism students for an end-of-year
project that will be available online for the entire university to enjoy. “Eventually, we really think this can be an entire major unto itself,” said a university spokesperson, who requested to remain anonymous yet claimed to have “extensive experience” in the field. “The career opportunities for future graduates of such a tract are plentiful in what is already one of the largest industries in the world, and we would love to help our students be prepared to enter this field if that’s where they really believe they could excel. That’s why we firmly believe this will be a successful endeavor. “Plus, our studies show that college students just really like porn.”
It’s a Semester of
L.u.c.k
! n i l e e u q S Get
Lucky’s University of Cocktail Knockouts
WE ARE LOOKING FOR 4 USC GIRLS TO TRAIN HOW TO BAR TEND FOR CASH, PRIZES, AND YOUR OWN PERSONAL PARTY AT LUCKY’S!
MOPEDS - DIRT BIKES - ATV’S SALES, SERVICE AND ACCESSORIES
TO ENTER, LIKE US ON FACEBOOK AND SEND US A MESSAGE! SCAN THE QR CODE TO GO RIGHT TO THE LUCKY’S FACEBOOK PAGE!
STARTS SEPEMBER 6 WITH
803-920-4416 | hawgscooters.com
2100 A-DEVINE ST, COLUMBIA
JOHN WESLEY SATTERFIELD AND HIS DAMN FINE BAND SEPTEMBER 13 - MOVING MERCURY FOR THE FULL LINE UP SEE OUR FAN PAGE!
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What was the best part about leaving home? “Leaving my crappy ass house for my Bates house mansion.” - Sam E., Freshman
“Leaving stupid, orange Clemson for Columbia!” - Zane Y., Freshman
“I’m really looking forward to eating ramen noodles day in and day out.” - Randy F., Freshman
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
page 6
New sorority, Eta Pi, founded in Russell House
theblacksheeponline.com
usc staff wrote this According to reports, a new sorority has been unexpectedly chartered at the University of South Carolina - one that will welcome into its folds hundreds of rush hopefuls who were told by countless other sororities, “Our sisterhood is happy with its current ‘size’.” Sources tell The Black Sheep that the idea for this newest Greek organization was originally formed in the Russell House, during a meeting held by droves of dejected freshman girls. A head count originally showed around forty members, but upon review it was determined that each girl was accidently counted twice. Each of the twenty girls had recently been rejected from the traditional sororities by “those anorexic bitches who are afraid to have curves.” It is believed that when they met, the girls had been drowning their sorrows at Marble Slab Ice Cream on the top floor of Russell House. Many decisions have not been made concerning the future of the organization, including the potential location for a sorority house. Current speculation leads us to believe the group lacks the funds necessary for either the expansive, structurally-reinforced building that will have to be custom built for the girls, or the industrial kitchen they desire. The kitchen is reportedly a necessity for the group, as they refuse to take any further action regarding the building until the room is accounted for.
In the meantime, all sorority functions including recruitment activities, inductions, and chapter will be held at Marble Slab. Fundraising for the startup sorority is expected to be a year-long effort. A smorgasbord of activities will be undertaken in the first semester including cupcake drives, cookie drives, fudge drives, and candy drives. Potential buyers are advised to arrive as soon as the sales begin, if they want a chance at actually buying any of the sweets before they mysteriously disappear. However, the inaugural year of the sorority will not entirely be about logistics and finances. The group is planning to show its lighter side by conducting many fun activities on campus to spread awareness of the new organization, and sow interest in many sizeable demographics. Events are to include a relay race from one tray of food to another, a soda drinking contest, and old favorites such as standing up from a prone position and the one-minute walk. Sturdy chairs are to be provided for the sorority members to sit while they watch other people perform these feats of impossible athleticism. One of the defining traits of the new sorority is the principle of non-exclusion that will be practiced when recruiting new members. “All of us have felt the hollow feeling of rejection,” said the sorority’s president. “That empty feeling, like the one you get when
you haven’t eaten for an hour. That’s why we’re going to be part of this wonderful new organization. We don’t care about the color of your skin, your religion, or what kind of car you drive. You just have to be fat.” The president was then asked what kind of reception she believed her sorority would garner around campus. “We just want to be taken seriously, because we really don’t think it’s a laughing matter. But I think eventually people will come to respect the Eta Pi sorority.”
The Top ten
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Things to do as a Freshman at USC 10) Pawley’s Front Porch: Go to Pawley’s Front Porch on a Tuesday, it’s famous for its gourmet, southern-style burgers. Pawley’s tops them with some of the most unimaginable and delicious toppings you’ll ever see. Every Tuesday from 5-7, all of their gourmet burgers are half price. If you’ve been recently dumped by your high school sweetheart, this is a great place to mask the debilitating feelings of a breakup with great food. You’ll remember how juicy your burger was more than how salty your tears were! 9) Rush Something: Go to a rush party. If you’re a guy and don’t care about fraternity life, go anyway. Branching out early is crucial freshman year. Even if you hate the brothers rushing you, or don’t get the bid you wanted, you will nonetheless meet a lot of fellow freshmen who are also there just to see what’s up. You’re in college now, what’s the worst that could happen? 8) SEC Road Trippin’: Road trip to another SEC school. As Gamecocks, we find ourselves surrounded by awesome schools. Athens is three hours away, Knoxville is four hours, Tuscaloosa and Gainesville are a short six hours away. All of these are well worth the drive, and there is nothing more fun than sporting your hot ‘Cock gear around these places. Other fans may hate you, but dammit, they’ll respect you.
That Freshman Kid With High School Swag usc staff wrote this It’s that time of the year for freshmen to come into our classrooms, creep into our bars, and crawl into our beds. Freshmen have their benefits (girls, pledges), but have one major drawback. Whether you are dealing with a redneck, hipster, Yankee, pledge, or pothead, they all suffer from one thing: high school swag. Now we can’t crucify them right away, because at one point in our lives we all suffered from a little high school swag. However, we still have an obligation to make fun of them. Pointing out freshmen suffering from HSS (High School Swag) is easy. For instance, if they’re saying the word “swag,” you know they’re tweaking from some serious HSS. There are three distinct types of freshmen with high school swag: the Yankee rushee, snapback stoner, and the athlete. Each sect has their own distinct symptoms, and plenty of things to learn. Oh, the beloved rushee from the North. Whether they are from Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Ohio, or even NOVA, they all want to be in the “top frat,” and all stick out like a sore thumb. Between drinking vodka instead of bourbon and complaining about how their American Eagle clothes are no good here, they really begin to piss you off. The Black Sheep once saw one particular freshman who suffered from severe HSS: this particular freshman decided to ask his orientation leader “How can I get a bid to Sigma Nu?” Keep in mind this orientation leader had in gauges and was wearing camouflage cargo shorts, he obviously didn’t give a shit about Sigma Nu or any other fraternity. He was just trying show frosh how the mailroom works. This freshman was suffering from extreme HSS and had his head so far up his ass he could smell his own breath. Needless to say, he never got a bid from Sigma Nu.
The next freshman we will warn you of is the snapback stoner. These freshmen have a very chill fashion style: Abercrombie shorts, Sperrys, long black Nike socks, an undershirt, a Bob Marley shirt, a chain, and a snapback of a city they aren’t from. The kids suffering from HSS come to Columbia with a fat half-o, a bowl named “Jack the Ripper,” and the dream to be the first person to sell weed in Bates House. Upon their parents’ departure, these kids don’t try planting some seeds with the girls across the hall, they immediately begin fashioning a gravity bong. And don’t worry, these snap back stoners have no intentions of stopping the legendary high school act of a wake n’ bake before class. No dorm room stoner is free from the tasks of toweling the door, turning on the shower, using a sploof, and dousing the room in Febreeze. So expect a lot of sketchiness among this merry band of potheads. With all this said, getting some out-of-state-dank on campus is pretty clutch, so bravo stoners. The next freshman with extreme high school swag is the athlete. And no, we don’t mean our collegiate athlete brethren. We’re talking about the kid who won a state championship playing D4 New Jersey football, and thinks he was the only guy to play sports in high school. This high school swag star never misses a chance to tell you about his days on the gridiron and how he ”totally squeezed like six titties” after one game. You also have your 6’4” center from Hickville, USA trying to get down at Strom courts. They always get what they deserve, a little balls-to-the-chin dunk by a real athlete. Expect to spot some ex-baseball players reppin’ a Phiten necklace and Oakleys on top of his 59/50, or some laxers with flow and a pinnie. All in all it’s hard to fault these freshmen; we all had some high school swag at a point in our lives, it’ll fade in time. If it doesn’t, though, it’s pretty important to avoid these people and shame them until they change.
7) Tailgate: Tailgate every single football game. No excuses. The SEC’s game day traditions are exclusive to the conference. No other conference can match the amount of pure fandom of SEC football. Don’t take it for granted. 6) Become an I.D. Ninja: Learn the “pass-back” technique at several bars. I.D.s are crucial in Five Points and you won’t find a bar that doesn’t require one. If you can’t pull off a pass-back or don’t have a decent fake, look forward to bringing the rest of your crew down as they (if they’re good friends) won’t want to go into the bar without you. 5) Carolina Card Ninja: Turn into a dorm ninja. Sneaking into an opposite-sex dorm without a Carolina Card is an art. It takes cunning, stealth, and potentially cross-dressing. Just remember, where there’s a will, there’s a way. 4) Take PTI/AEP: PTI stands for Pre-Trial Intervention. AEP stands for Alcohol Education Program. Half of you freshmen will have to do one of these programs when you get a drinking ticket. No worries though, it’s a rite of passage and it wipes your record. 3) Prank Your Roommate: Play a prank on your roommate. He might hate you after, but it’ll be worth it. If anything it will elicit an all-out, year-long prank war that you’ll always look back on. Saran wrap the toilet, make them wet their bed, or kill their goldfish, you’ll both laugh about it after. Roommates fight anyway, might as well have some fun. 2) All-Nighter: Pull your first successful all-nighter. Normally all-nighters suck, but your first true all-nighter is an adventure. Fighting to keep yourself awake, the stress of a deadline, hallucinations, and then… FREEDOM. The feeling of accomplishment will be overwhelming. Just remember, it’s not a true all-nighter unless you work until the sun comes up. 1) Scholarship: DON’T LOSE YOUR SCHOLARSHIP! The Black Sheep has seen far too many freshmen leave school after only one short year. Your scholarship is a gift from the school. It keeps your parents happy. It keeps your parents out of debt. It prevents you from entering the real world already broke! Trust us, Monday Night Pavs isn’t worth losing four years of greatness.
usc staff wrote this
If you don’t start following us...
YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEPUSC Scan to go right to the page!
The Grid
Back
P
orch
SPECIAL NIGHT
Every Day Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
Whiskey Wednesday! $2 Bourbon Free games with Drinks!
EVERY DAY! $2 Vodka & Bourbon 7-10pm: $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Imports 20 Different $5 Shots!
THURS.
Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
Tweet for Treat (specials list) Live DJ: 5 Points Largest Dance Party
DJ Freeman - Your Lucky Hour! $2.50 Miller Lite, $4 Goldschlager $2 Vodka & Bourbon | 20 Different $5 Shots! 7-10pm: $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Imports
FRI.
Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
Freaky Friday with Live DJ
DJ Battle - Andre VS Brian Your Lucky Hour! + $4 Goldschlager $2 Vodka & Bourbon | 20 Different $5 Shots! 7-10pm: $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Imports
SAT.
Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
SEC Saturday
DJ RatedR Bday Bash - Your Lucky Hour! $2 Vodka & Bourbon 20 Different $5 Shots! 7-10pm: $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Imports
SUN.
Closed
NFL Package!
$1.50 House Liquor, $5 Grandma $5 Rumplemintz $2 Vodka & Bourbon | 20 Different $5 Shots! 7-10pm: $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Imports
MON.
Wine Night! $3 Glasses of Wine All Night Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
$1 Wells NFL Monday Night Football
$2 Ultra & Blue Moon, $4 Fire Ball $2 Vodka & Bourbon | 20 Different $5 Shots! 7-10pm: $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Imports
TUES.
Taco Tuesday! $5 Taco Basket Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
Tuesday Boozeday! $2 Domestic
$2.50 Yuengling, $2 Tequila, $3 Virgil Kaine $2 Vodka & Bourbon | 20 Different $5 Shots! 7-10pm: $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Imports
WED.
Corn Hole Tournament @ 8:30 PM Winner Gets $30 Bar Tab Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
Whiskey Wednesday! $2 Bourbon Free games with Drinks!
$2.50 Mich. Ultra, $3 Wine, $4 Fireball $2 Vodka & Bourbon | 20 Different $5 Shots! 7-10pm: $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Imports
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our Mobile App! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID Rockaway
Wednesdays BINGO! $5 All You Can Drink Tallboys, $1 Busch Light
tuesday & Friday Oyster Bar! $2.50 Vodka and Bourbon and $0.50 Oysters
Every Friday: $2 PBR Every Saturday: $1 Highlife
EVERYNIGHT! $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots
SPECIAL NIGHT
Pint Night! $2.50 All Pints $5 All You Can Drink Tall Boys $1 Busch Light
Pint Night! $1.25 Domestic and $2.00 Imports
$1 Rolling Rocks
1/2 off Sangria Night $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots
THURS.
$1 Busch Light $7.50 All You Can Drink Tall Boys $2 Corona and Corona Light
Oyster Bar! $2.50 Vodka and Bourbon and $0.50 Oysters
$2 PBR
$2 House Liquor $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots
FRI.
$1 Busch Light $7.50 All You Can Drink Tallboys $3 Import / Craft Bottles
Music Trivia at 10:00 pm
$1 HIGHLIFE
$2 House Liquor $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots
SAT.
Closed
Crablegs - 3 Clusters for $12.50
Closed
Closed
SUN.
Service Industry Night - 50% off! (Excludes house liquor, $1 Beers and Tallboys) $1 Busch Light Every Day!
Shrimp Special! Fried or Boiled for $0.30 Oysters for $0.50
Open Mic | 50% off!
College Night! $1 Margaritas and $1 Bud Light 20% off of your dinner with a student ID $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots
MON.
Oyster Bar! $2.50 Vodka and Bourbon and $0.50 Oysters
$2 Drink Special
Service Industry Night! $1 Margaritas and $1 Bud Light 20% off of dinner with a paystub $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots
TUES.
Trivia at 9:00 pm
Hawaiian Wednesday! King Kahina Burgers
$2 Corona Night $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots
WED.
$2 House Liquor, $2 Tall Boys $3 Van Gogh Vodka $1 Busch Light
BINGO! $5 All You Can Drink Tallboys, $1 Busch Light
Guys Fawn Over in College Though many will say college is the beginning of adulthood, walking onto campus isn’t just flipping a switch into
grown-up-ville. We hold on as long as we can, littering our new reality with memories of yesteryear. You roll over in the morning to find a sleeping beauty in your bed, and it reminds you of when you were young, holding Lucy Rachelson’s hand as Prince Phillip kissed his love back into life. Well, what other Disney Princesses does a man fall for in college? By: Brendan
The Jasmine A Whole New Wet Dream:
Ah, you have fond memories of Sally Birchwell—the prettiest girl in class, and the senior prom date of a lifetime. She was the best thing Podunk, USA had to offer; shame she got knocked up after you went away for college. Suddenly you snap out of the daydream and realize you’re absentmindedly gnawing on a chicken nugget, staring right at—wait! Holy crap, that’s the most exotic looking hottie you’ve ever seen; big white eyes set in caramel, dark skin. Your openly racist uncle didn’t tell you they made them like that over in…over in…well, over in whatever country that was where he served.
The Cinderella The Glass Slipper of Regret:
As soon as your eyes open and you remember what you’ve done the phrase starts ringing in your heard: “After two, she’s a ten. After ten, she’s a two.” Well, after enough Jagermeister everyone thinks they’re Prince Charming, and this pumpkin of a pick-up that fell into your lap managed to hold on until the clock struck midnight. You do your best to feign sleep, hoping beyond hope she’ll wake up soon and make a quick and shameful exit. Finally, her iPhone buzzes and she starts collecting her things. As she exits your place you carefully peer out of the corner of the window—yup, two bitchy (sorority) sisters are picking her up. Looks like she’ll be on maid duty for a few weeks for this little incident.
The Belle
The Snow White
Beauty with the Busted: Couples in a classroom are
Pure as a Powdery Addiction: Every Tuesday and
The Ariel
The Mulan
always an annoying proposition. When they’re not busy holding hands, they’re swapping notes. When they’re not swapping notes, it’s forlorn “I can’t believe this aisle separates us, I love you so much, baby” glances that make you sick to your stomach. Well, these two are the cardinal sinners of classroom coupledom. He’s hairier than a Greek yeti and sports a googly eye, while a doll of her hair would fetch a pretty penny on the pervy black market. “If only I had his money,” you think to yourself as they tear off in his BMW M5 after class. Alas, you’re reminded of your ramen-only lifestyle on your rainy bike ride home.
A Sea of Men:
Freshman orientation feels like a distant memory, but you’ll never forget her. She sat upright in the front row of the placement exam, hair in a bun, no make-up, with a “daddy’s little girl” t-shirt proudly covering up whatever genetics gave her. You still think about her, wondering what corner of the library she squirrels herself away in on a Friday night. In line at Walgreen’s, the thought of her inches across your brain as a party girl sporting a clamshell bra orders a pack of Marlboro Golds. Wait, red hair? Button nose? It’s her! You try to get her attention, but she’s too busy cackling with her girlfriends about last night’s experience with sexual inadequacies. This Eric guy she’s howling about, he must be a dead fish in the sack, or something.
Thursday she passes you as you walk back to your apartment. Every Tuesday and Thursday she has a half-dozen bros tripping over their own feet, trying to win her favor. Every Friday and Saturday you fail to spot her in the bars among the dolled-up strumpets, and when you stalk her on Facebook it’s all “I love Jesus” this and “I support Chick-fil-A” that. What gives? Sure, she’s the fairest in the land, but how does Mrs. Goodie Goodie keep the testosterone and semen-fueled bro train in line? To you, it’s worth finding out. The group could really use a seventh dope fawning all over Miss Pure-as-the-Driven-Snow, right?
Tonya Tough Tits:
You thought you had an easy in when she entered Shakespeare I sporting her intramural basketball t-shirt. You tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she’d be interested in shooting hoops. When she hissed, “4:30, be there,” through pursed lips you should have known you were in trouble. Instead, you started sporting half a chub when she rolled up in short shorts, a sports bra and Jordans. She crossed you over once. Lucky. Then she crossed you over again. Then she picked your pocket and did the prettiest reverse layup your eyes ever did see. Fast-forward and she wins 21-6, while you’re almost certain she handed you a few of those points. To her, college is not a man’s world.
the interview
midnight conspiracy
It should come as no surprise that chatting with Louis Kha, half of one of EDM’s most promising groups, Midnight Conspiracy, was as fun and enjoyable as one of their shows, minus the bass. Our conversation centered around the increasingly popular genre of music, from where electronic music has been to where it rages on today. The Black Sheep: How did Midnight Conspiracy come together, and when did you start playing music? Louis Kha: I met Mikul because I was dating his ex-girlfriend, which was a little weird. He was throwing underground parties at the time and I was trying to get into DJing, and he actually got me my first gig at some dirty, illegal, underground loft party. So we just started doing stuff together, throwing a lot of loft parties. The big one that broke us was this Justice after-hours party in Chicago on New Year’s Eve in 2009. It all just started out as a way to party and for us to get together and have fun, and the idea of Midnight Conspiracy came together right then and there. TBS: EDM has blown up in the past two years. Why do you think this genre has become so popular? Louis: Well if you look at the late 90s, electronic music was really huge and the whole rave culture was really big, and in the 2000s it died out and indie bands took over. I just think that music goes in cycles, and we’re on an up-wave right now, similar to the 90s when everyone was decked out in neon and their rave toys and kandi. Going around to college campuses this year versus last year, I’ve noticed a huge difference in what people are listening to. A year or two ago, most college parties were listening to hip-hop; they still are but there’s a lot more electronic beats. Electronic music has always been around as underground, but it’s reached the masses right here, right now. It’s a pretty simple reason why, [college kids] all say that it’s a fun, good vibe. You don’t see fights breaking out at EDM shows, just popping champagne bottles and having a good time. TBS: Have you always been into electronic music, or was that something that came about in the past several years? Louis: Even when I was young I always liked the electronic elements of music. I was really big into Pink Floyd. That’s not electronic music, but they were using synthesizers. It’s the same thing with a lot of new wave music; we were really big into Depeche Mode and The Cure. I think I’m just attracted to what you can do with electronic music and the sound of it. I mean, electronic music is everywhere; it’s been around for decades. More recently I got really into the whole indie-electro and electroclash movement in the early-2000s, and that’s what got me really into that kind of music. TBS: What’s it like playing big festivals in your hometown, Chicago? Louis: Well, growing up we were huge fans of Depeche Mode, and one of the documentaries that inspired us was the Depeche Mode 101 tour. It was about arena rock back in the day, where bands would show up at these massive arenas to huge crowds and just rock out. TBS: What can someone expect from one of your live shows? Louis: We have a new space set up called Eye Live; it’s something we’ve been working on. We designed and built it ourselves with help from friends; it’s a 16-foot version of our eye logo laid in with a bunch of LEDs and lasers. It’s there to give you this whole audio/visual experience. We control all the lights, too. It’s basically an orgasm of lasers. TBS: So can you talk about the inspiration for this Eye Live, and your eye logo in general? Louis: The eye logo is based on the Eye of Providence, which has become associated with The Illuminati. Its true meaning lies in something more positive, and that’s the meaning we take from it. Essentially, we just want people to open their eyes to our eye and be free thinkers, and look into more than just making an assumption based off of a pop culture trend. I mean, at the end of the day we’re just here to party and have fun, but if you want to look deeper into it, that’s cool too. TBS: Explain to me the vision of your Dead Game clothing line. Louis: Dead Game isn’t meant to be about Midnight Conspiracy, it’s cool designs that we would want to wear. Mikul is a screen printer and a designer, so he designs the shirts and he prints them himself. We want to push it out as a legitimate clothing line, and we’ve been in talks about getting it out into stores and whatnot. They’re not going to be neon rage EDM tanks, it’s going to be cool, hip, dark designs. We have a bunch of designs for sale online, and we’re trying to get them into stores late this year or early next year. TBS: On any given night, what’s your drink of choice? Louis: Coconut water for sure. We picked them up when we toured in South America. They party like crazy in Brazil, and we always wondered how they did that. You can get a huge coconut on a tree there for like $1, and if you drink the whole thing you’re golden.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
hit and run - in theaters Friday, august 24
Real-life couple Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell play an onscreen couple who escape their terrible small town life and head on a road trip. Naturally the road trip gets complicated, by the likes of an angry old friend (Bradley Cooper), a federal marshal (Tom Arnold) and other hooligans.
Here comes honey boo boo - tlc Wednesdays @ 10pm (est)
Alana, aka Honey Boo Boo, the hillbilly breakout star of Toddlers & Tiaras, stars in this endlessly entertaining and honest reality show about the everyday life of her and her family. This week, the group decorates for their annual Christmas in July celebration, but the festivities get cut short when 17-year-old sister Anna (aka Chickadee) starts having contractions. Hee-haw!
Dan Deacon - America Out august 28
Baltimore native and electronic DJ Dan Deacon’s latest album America is a hodge-podge of freakish sounds, and we love every bit of it. Don’t look to Deacon to drop any trendy bass drops or do any ironic sampling, just some good old fashioned original producing that will definitely keep your attention.
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week kacie The Village Idiot How long have you been a bartender for The Village Idiot?: Over two years here, I’ve seen a lot of different people working. Was The Village Idiot the first bar where you worked?: Yes, my one and only. Where did you grow up?: Born and raised in South Carolina! Fort Mill, to be specific. How drunk would you say you get on a normal night of work? Say, in terms of MPH?: Um, I’m a 60 in a 45. How late is your normal night of work?: You can normally find me working until about two or three in the morning. What is your preferred post-work, late night bar?: Bar None for sure! The best food for when you get off and they’re open until 5 a.m.!
the drinking game
bozo buckets Mitch Hedberg once joked that people who hand out flyers are basically saying, “Here, you throw this away.” Any college student that has experienced the first walk through campus can verify that 100% of the flyers they get are eventually thrown in the trash. Here’s a way to dispose of those pointless flyers that’s more fun than recycling! Imagine that! What You’ll Need: Five garbage cans, booze, beer and shot glasses. Number of Players: As many that will agree to part with all that pointless paper. So, everyone. Level of Intoxication: Expect a nice soupy concoction of puke and flyers in your trash cans. Let’s Get Sloppy: - Label your garbage cans with numbers 1 through 5 and line them up in a row. - Each number refers to a different task and goes as follows: 1. Go run: You must chug a beer while jogging in place. 2. You’ll spew: Take two shots. Yes, in a row. 3. Take a knee: You must get down on one knee as someone distance pours a shot in your mouth for three seconds. 4. Hit the floor: You must lay down on your back and shotgun a beer. 5. Barely alive: Take a shot, chug a beer for five seconds. - Assign a starting point line so everyone throws from the same distance. Take that random pledge who needs to be put in his place and make him lay down on the floor perhaps? - Alternate taking turns throwing your crunched-up flyers into the buckets. Whichever bucket your flyer lands in, you must do the task that corresponds to the bucket. The Game Ends When: You run out of flyers and are actually considering snagging more.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Have you ever seen a real bar fight break out here at Village?: Yes! One time things got so crazy that chairs were being thrown around the bar and even down the staircase and out the door! What would you consider your favorite drinking game?: Roxanne! What about your favorite bar game?: Definitely corn hole! Tailgating’s best game. What’s your favorite shot you serve here at The Village Idiot?: Irish Car Bomb, gets you the drunkest and its great on St. Patty’s day. What’s the best thing about being the bartender at Village Idiot?: Definitely the people! Village has such a diverse crowd always: athletes, fraternity boys, locals. You never know who you’ll find here!
Recipe for Disaster
every-meal burger You’re back at school with a stocked fridge (courtesy of your parents) and then you realize, “Crap, my cooking style is analogous to an armless Helen Keller.” You don’t want to be in there for too long because you will either start a fire or chop a finger off, so you decide to eat all your meals at once. Hence the “Every-Meal Burger.” What You’ll Need: Frozen waffles, syrup, a hamburger patty, lettuce and ice cream. Cook Time: Twenty minutos. Fatty Factor: You might have to go to the hospital for a clogged artery or two. Let’s Get Baked: - Grab your burger meat and grill that sucker on a skillet or grill. - While that’s cooking, pop some waffles in the toaster. - Lather your hot waffles with a thin layer of syrup. - Lay a piece of lettuce down. - Add a scoop of ice cream on top of your lettuce. - Place the burger on the ice cream and sandwich it in with another scoop of ice cream. - Place another piece of lettuce down. - Put your waffles together and prepare to experience a mouthgasm. Your taste buds are going to go into a state of shock at first because of all the different flavors hitting them at once. After that stage is over, you’ll either experience extreme satisfaction or explosive diarrhea. Bon appétit!
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
page 13
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
When you get an MIP, don’t worry it. Since you’re all freshmen, I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you all have no clue what an MIP is. Fortunately, I’ma educate y’all nobodies. The “Minor in Possession” is the staple of the Columbia Police Department. Forget the other crime and sketchiness of Columbia, the only thing that matters to officers is catching underage drinkers. Sure, this is college and you’re gonna party, but the cops don’t like it when that happens, so they will arrest the shit out of you if you’re underage. It’s cool though, when they arrest you they’ll put you in the back of the transport van, and take you to the holding place. You’ll spend the night in jail, and that’s it. They’ll make you do community service. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean make it rain in Columbia. It usually means washing police cars or working at an animal shelter. But it’s cool though. It’s nothing to worry about, because it’ll go off your record. If you’re lucky, you’re also a superstar quarterback who the police worship, and can get out of jams like this in the first place. When in hotels, party like a rock star. One of the most awesome things about being on the football team is the luxury to travel, and not pay for anything when you do. When we (or, well, when I) get onto another campus I basically just have to stand in one place before I get hit on. It’s the simplest game I’ve ever known. When I was in Atlanta for the FSU game there was some serious action going down. In my hotel room, me and these five girls were just chillin’, right? So then we decided to… damn, I can’t tell you. But we were hammered, and we were drinking and everything but unfortunately at some point the cops came. I don’t remember this, by the way, and it made national news that I was in a hotel room with five girls, and two of them were naked. I didn’t see why this was such a big deal, but apparently I’m a role model and crap for young athletes, and I have to set a good example. But anyway, so we were completely wasted and yeah... some interesting stuff went down. Florida State is awesome. I mean we lost the Chic-fil-A Bowl 26-17, but it’s cool. So that’s all I got to say about you’re freshman year and how to make the most of being a Gamecock. Good luck and don’t make babies… or get caught in a hotel room full of naked chicks (or do, because now I’m like, Will Smith famous).
“naked, drunk and mute? perfect!” -SG
• Tube, Kayak and Canoe Rentals • Hourly Shuttles • Class II White Water • Commercial Tubes with canvas jacket and mesh bottom
• Average Time: 2-3 Hours • Weekday discounts for groups of 20 or more • All Equipment Included to Safely Get You Down River
the classtime
capitals of the world Athens Beijing brussels budapest buenos aires helsinki kabul kingston lima madrid
Six degrees of separation
nassau new delhi oslo paris rabat riga rome tokyo vienna warsaw
Think you know how Ryan Reynolds and Richard Gere are connected?
Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
1 2 3 4 5
Meet The Staff campus manager Scott Bellanger Editorial manager Michael Rinderman Advertising Managers Matt Garibaldi Justin Mims Ryan Skelly Writers Cody Brown, Mel Gaddy Mike Singer, Michaella Grissett photographer You? Come on... distribution manager Top Secret Ninja promotions manager Alyssa Walter
Find Us At...
campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Scott Bellander, Matt Garibaldi, Justin Mims, Ryan Skelly, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Adam’s University Bookstore 5 Points Pub Back Porch Bey’s The Big Ugly Blue Tile Skateboards Breakers Cantina 76 Carolina Cafe CJ’s College Grounds Cafe Cycle Center
D’s Wings Dano’s Pizza Flying Saucer Garnet River Walk Granby Groucho’s Hawg Scooters Jake’s Bar and Grill Kellys Deli and Pub The Library The Lofts Lucky’s Mellow Mushroon
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Natural Vibrations Olympia Palmetto Outdoors Parrotheads Pawley’s Front Porch Pinch Pizza Joint Pizza Man Publick House The Range The Rapids Red Hot’s Riverside
Rockaway’s Rolling Stone Sakitumi Grill & Sushi Bar Salsaritas Senor O’Malley’s Sharkey’s State St Pub Tin Roof Tio’s Uncle Hesters University of South Carolina Bookstore Village Idiot
Vista Tanning Wild Wing Cafe Woodland’s World of Beer University Oaks Stadium Suites Pointe West Copper Beach All Greek Houses AND MORE!
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
the classtime
seriously cereals crossword
Across
3) Circles of sugary awesomeness. 4) Gives you strength, supposedly. 7) A “diet” cereal. 9) Aye, aye! 11) This cereal is smacked with the most sugar of any. 12) Makes a fine mix with pretzels and peanuts. 13) Fruit + Boy’s Name 15) You’re not just good, you’re... 16) Like a Rabbits Foot
6) The 100% cereal. 8) Better suited baked and with marshmallows. 9) The number one selling cereal in the U.S. 10) Very scary, yet chocolatey. 14) Eating in general will give you this. 17) Slang for shoes.
Down
1) Literally desserts in a bowl of milk. 2) Little shapes of all these letters. 5) Oh, that silly wabbit.
Answers
200 BIKES ON CLOSE OUT
EVERY BIKE MODEL 2012 OR OLDER
ON SALE DON’T MISS
BEER RIDE FRIDAYS! 803-256-0557 1001 HARDEN ST, COLUMBIA