The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 10 11/1/12 -11/7/12
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obama lights up usc USC Staff wrote this
In a recent effort to bolster his appeal with young voters around the southeast, President Obama came to the University of South Carolina late Tuesday night. The president kept his visit brief and confined to an undisclosed fraternity house for what has been reported as an “Epically glorious bong ripping sesh with the prez.” The bong ripping visit was prompted by Obama’s recently low poll numbers in North and South Carolina where youth voting has been a critical problem for the campaign. Campaign analysts have suggested that the visit included the “Epic bong sesh” as a tribute to the American Olympic hero, Michael Phelps, who was spotted smoking weed at the university back in 2009, shortly after his success at the Beijing Olympic games. The campaign told The Black Sheep reporters that the president was hoping to ride the success of Phelps who ended up still earning a plethora of gold medals in the London games, despite being a known stoner. President Obama has admitted to smoking pot on several occasions, including in his book. Pot-smoking presidents are nothing new to the American public: since Clinton, every president has admitted to smoking pot. Most students around campus were surprised by the marijuana-huffing visit, and when asked, several students admitted to looking favorably, while many others, unsurprisingly saw the president’s pandering as un-presidential. One especially shaggy hippie told reporters that, “It was rad to see the leader of the free world just, like, chillin’, and relaxin’ for a change instead of fighting wars and doin’ stuff to poor people and whatever. Obama’s chill-to-president ratio just went through the roof for me. He definitely got my vote after he offered to pack the second bowl AND offered me greens.” The attention surrounding the controversial visit has giving the election a newer, chiller, energy around campus. Voter registration has been on the rise since Obama lit it up here and so far, his “Phelps Strategy” has worked. Not only has it helped the president garner more attention, it has also helped the Romney campaign rally its supporters in protest of the president’s action. A Romney supporter went on record stating, “The brand new generation of voters need to realize something important. Drugs
from the streets
are bad. M’kay? The belief that Obama has suddenly acquired a chill ‘swag’ after inhaling marijuana smoke is preposterous. Drugs are bad. MMM’KAY?! Being a turn-around artist for the American economy is a better measurement of one’s ‘swag.’ Mitt Romney has many ideas in order to do just that and they in no way, shape, or form involve smoking reefer. And Mr. Romney thinks that drugs are bad, which they are, especially…Marijuana...” Obama’s campaign managers retorted to such ludicrous statements by releasing one of their own. “Sounds like somebody
what’s inside A Haunting in Olympia
What’s your favorite horror movie to watch this time of the year?
If you live in Olympia or Granby Mills, chances are you’re being watched by baby ghosts.
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needs to smoke a little weed and chill man” Also, when we spoke with a campaign official, they went on The Black Sheep record saying, “Like, people are always bitching about the economy and whatever, why can’t everyone just, like, roll a fat doobie, put on How High and just relax. Who wants a job anyways when there’s ganja to smoke? I just don’t understand.” Obama’s visit to USC’s campus has made the campus more polarized than ever, and many expect a close race on November 6th.
Sorority Girl Dressed As Cop Assumes the Position
Hopefully this leads to several more slutty vigilantes!
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contents page 5: Horrible Teachers Sarah employs the likes of Charlie Kelly and Michael Bluth to help her “rid” of her teacher.
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 6: The Legend of the Third Eye Man
Table of
More and more sightings of a sewer-dwelling, silver jumpsuit clad man with a third eye are surfacing, and we want answers!
page 7: The Top Ten Costumes you saw last night If only us college students were more creative... and had more money.
page 11: the black sheep interviews we chat with professional bowler michael fagan.
page 12: bartender of the week Nick from Salty Nut would totally wife up paula deen.
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word of the week Liecense:
Any form of fake identification used illicitly. “Kyle ‘s liecense came in handy when the keg ran dry. When he came back with a few cases of Keystone Light he was the life of the party.”
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horrible teachers
Sarah Cardinale wrote this
Do you have the most heinously annoying teachers on campus? Do you have a test every week and hundreds of pages of reading due each class period? Does your professor publicly shame you in front of a 300-student lecture when you walk in 30 seconds late? If you’re collegiate experience is anything like mine, the answer is yes. Because I have a professor who is even worse than the aforementioned lowlife, I banded together with Charlie Day and that guy from Arrested Development, and we compared our situations to see who hated life more, and as it turned out, I won. It’s all because of my History 300 professor. Let’s just call him Professor Snape, because he is exactly like Snape before we all found out Snape was actually pretty cool. This entire semester I’ve been plotting ways to off him. Charlie, Michael and I came up with a few ideas. They consisted of finding a way to send him off to Clemson, but that would be too cruel. Poisoning the coffee he gets from Drip every morning with Freon was an option but could be too nice. Maybe slashing his tires, putting tetanus-tacks on his chair that he sits his fat ass in for the entire period, or kidnapping his family, the list goes on. We decided to get some dirt on him, thinking if we could find out enough about Professor Snape, we could find out what makes him tick. We went undercover, sneaking into his house as a cleaning crew. Snape’s wife let us in and we immediately went to work. We snagged documents off his laptop, hacked into his cell phone, and put bugs behind picture frames… I found out later that they weren’t operational, and that Charlie was an idiot and bought them at Walmart, forgetting
to put batteries in them. All the while Michael Bluth stood there complaining about not connecting with his son or some shit. I was working with a bunch of morons. If I wanted to get this done, I would have to do it myself. I started with complaining to my advisor. Turns out if I wanted this guy fired, it was going to be a lot more difficult than I imagined. I would have to go to the dean, write a formal complaint, get more than just my little group of rebels together to explain the torture Snape put us through, and then, perchance he would get a slap on the wrist. I simply didn’t have time for all that nonsense; I was too busy having a life. And by “having a life,” I mean I was spending all night in the library every night reading up on Alexander the Great. Then it hit me, I’d have to work hard to get this man fired. So I put on my lowest cut shirt and best bra and went to work. Just kidding, I don’t want to end up in The Daily Gamecock as the campus skank. So I came up with a different plan, and then with a few back up plans just to be safe.
Dabo’s hand, beer bonging at a Clemson game, and basically just wearing a lot of orange. I then emailed them to everyone at the school and mailed them in a yellow envelope to the dean. If that wasn’t going to work I had one last plan in my pocket.
The first involved me taking video of him torturing students. So I spliced together a video of him yelling at me when I showed up late for class and put that in with shots of Harry getting hit with the Cruciatus Curse. I hoped that would portray the sincere pain I was being put through, without showing the dean my crying skills in the middle of Gambrell 137.
We were really going to have to off him, but how? I realized then that if I didn’t want to go to jail, and that I’d have to bribe Charlie and Michael into doing the job for me. They were just stupid enough to do anything I told them to after I got them piss drunk, and I took them to Pour House and told them my plan… I won’t go into the graphic details, but things were going to get bloody. I dropped them off at his house and drove around the corner.
My next plan was a bit trickier. I thought if I could show him as the world’s biggest Clemson fan, I could get everyone on campus to hate him enough. I Photoshopped pictures of him petting a tiger, shaking
Turns out they really do screw everything up. They came running back to the car crying like little babies. Seriously guys? I guess I’m failing history.
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Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’s your favorite horror movie to watch this time of the year? “Poltergeist for sure, it’s scared the shit out of me since I was a young.” - Mark
“All the old 80’s movies. Halloween, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street. I like to keep it classic.”- Gerald
“Gremlins! Don’t feed them after midnight!” - Allison
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A Haunting in Olympia usc staff wrote this Reports have been recently released citing strange occurrences in the Olympia & Granby Mills apartments over the past few months. According the reports, sounds of quiet crying can be heard through the night, sounding like children whimpering, barely audible over the LMFAO mix played on constant rotation by the security guards. Images of faces have been noted in foggy windows and alcohol has been found missing from bottles, clearly not stolen by roommates. Why has this been happening though? All signs point to paranormal activity. Olympia & Granby Mills are known for the ghastly tales of its previous use, before the buildings became loft apartments for students at the University of South Carolina.
ed, but many students have been coming clean about things that have happened in their apartment that couldn’t be explained by anything other than ghosts of the furnace children.
The Mills used to house the largest cotton manufactures under one roof, operating for almost 100 years and blatantly using child labor to get their jobs done. Kids’ small hands were perfect for operation of the machinery, and legally they could work all sorts of hours, so they did just that.
“I’m the only person in my apartment who drinks whiskey, it’s a fact. I came home one night to my freezer wide open, an empty, dirty shot glass, and half of my bottle completely missing. There is absolutely no way it could have been my roommates or friends, it had to be the furnace children” said another resident of the building, acknowledging that the “furnace children” are behind the strange happenings of Olympia.
According to some historians, because they could squeeze into tight parts of the machines, they would be forced to do so, allowing their hands and arms to get mangled and some horrific casualties to occur. It was reported that overseers would threaten children to meet their quota by saying they would get thrown into the furnace, and apparently, that has happened often enough that Timmy finally learnt to do his f*cking homework so he wouldn’t have to go to work the next day, right Timmy? With these stories of furnace-killed children, it only made perfect sense to take this building and make it into a lovely loft apartment building for students of USC to live in. “I remember coming home one night after Monday Night Pav’s and I figured I was too drunk to function, but in all honesty I know I could see handprints on one of windows…” said one anonymous student, admitting to the sightings after the reports of paranormal activities surfaced. The building managers themselves refuse to comment on the truth that the apartments could be haunt-
The Legend of the Third Eye Man mike singer wrote this
“The whimpering and crying through halls must be because of furnace children, isn’t that what ghosts do?” questioned another student. Other reports have revealed that leftover pizza has gone missing and rooms have been reorganized to cause confusion and possible hysteria. There have been no reports to invite any kind of mediums into Olympia Mills to find out the truth behind the lurking furnace children. Although reports seem negative, students have said they don’t mind the presence of the furnace children. “It’s only annoying when they take my stuff. Otherwise the little ghosts kids can do what they want. Maybe someday their little ghost hands will come in handy.”
Columbia has no shortage of creepy-ass history stuff. Our city was once burned to the ground by an invading army, which undoubtedly left us with lots of ghosts and other scary shit. Not only that, but there’s also an abandoned insane asylum 10 minutes from our campus that houses satanic graffiti, old surgery equipment, homeless people toilets, and one of Satan’s summer homes. But no, Columbia’s creepiness doesn’t stop there. Half our student body lives in abandoned cotton factories which are filled with the ghosts of mutilated children (see above). But the creepiness of our quaint little town does not stop at Civil War ghosts, slave graveyards, abandoned factories or a satanic insane asylum. At this point would it surprise you if there was an even creepier story, a story about a MONSTER living under our campus? Well don’t be, The Black Sheep has put together an exclusive report on the legend of the Third Eye Man. Legend has it that since November 1949, the “Third Eye Man” has been lurking throughout the sewer system of Columbia. He was first spotted wearing an all-silver suit, hopping into a manhole on the corner of Greene Street and Sumter 60 years ago, and is said to return to the outside world every few years. This first sighting was made by two USC students, one of which was a writer for The Daily Gamecock. He quickly spread the news to the rest of campus and the legend was born. Numerous sightings have been made throughout the years around USC. The man has been described as a skinny, with a third eye on his forehead, and usually dressed in grey or silver. Another sighting of the Third Eye Man occurred when a police officer was patrolling campus and saw a strange grey figure. He approached the creep and saw that he was huddled over some bloody, mutilated chicken bits gnawing at them like a rabid raccoon. The cop then flashed a flashlight
onto the face of the man, saw the extra eye, and was scared shitless. Third Eye Man scattered off with a whimper and jumped down a manhole near the Horseshoe back to his dank, poo-covered home. The cop made an official report but most disregarded it as some sort of school prank or delusion. In the 1960s, a few fraternity brothers took a couple of pledges down into the under dwellings of Columbia and got a glimpse of the mutant creature. Third Eye Man charged at the group of students with a large metal pipe making odd noises. The pledges thought their future brothers were playing a prank on them, but realized something was wrong when everyone bolted from the scene. The pledges later went to the police, filed a report and the police began the official search for the Third Eye Man that would turn out to be an utter failure. Police sealed off a few of the entrances for the safety of the students. He lurks near the Longstreet Theatre when he’s not dwelling underneath the city. The sewer system runs under the city capitol where there is rumored to be an escape tunnel. Occasionally students will jump down into the sewer to drink, smoke a bowl, screw, or engage in other weird sewer activities in peace. Students here will go through a lot to enjoy a beer and a joint, this type of thing tends to happen when RM’s are checking bags for beer and liquor. However, any student caught in the sewer system will be suspended immediately, which seems kind of suspicious on USC’s part. Many USC maintenance workers and police officers are still frightened of the tunnel system to this day. In all cases, the Third Eye Man was believed to be crippled looking, dressed in all silver or grey and taking part in animal like behaviors. If you’re feeling brave, go ahead and jump down into the sewer and begin your own personal search. If not, keep an eye out for the Three Eyed Monster of Columbia.
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The Top 10
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Costumes You inevitably Saw Last Night 10.) Costumes That are Actually Scary: In all honesty, you probably didn’t see too many of these. Every girl’s goal on Halloween is to be the most attractive and least clothed, and most boys just want to be funny. Scary people don’t get laid, after all. 9.) Sports Person: No matter what, someone was wearing a jersey of some sort. The truly inspired donned their USC gear and a knee bandange. RIP Lattimore’s knee, you will be missed. 8.) Animated Characters: Disney princesses were running rampant. Dr. Seuss’ One Drunk, Two Drunk, Red Drunk, Blue Drunk could be spotted sidling up to Little Red Ridings Hoods on the prowl.
SORORITY GIRL DRESSED AS COP assumes the position Sarah Cardinale and Anita Newman wrote this WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS HIGHLY SEXUAL CONTENT THAT MAY OFFEND FEMINISTS, WOMEN’S STUDIES MAJORS, MEMBERS OF THE POLICE FORCE AND THE LIKE. IF YOU ARE A jehovah’s witness, STOP READING NOW. There was a fog of cologne looming over the scene of button-ups and Bud Lights in what resembled an unofficial ATO chapter meeting. There was even one pledge still wearing a baby costume. Just as the six dudes singing karaoke were starting to not get good, someone threw a bottle on the stage. Needless to say, it didn’t go over well. In what looked like the starting gates of running of the bulls, all hell broke loose as a pack of One Direction impersonators formed a phalanx around the tone def red-eyed men, protecting him from flying chairs, shoes and used condoms. The fight was getting out of control. It was like a modern reenactment of the Civil War. Brother against brother, dude-on-dude action—the testosterone was choking the place to death when, through the bar’s since removed, slatted swinging doors burst the new sheriff. Her black, lace-edged Victoria’s Secret bra was working in all directions, she snapped a whip from her slutty tool belt, as the sound of a rattlesnake’s tail echoed in the distance. Some witnesses claim to have heard a screeching desert falcon and a strange Native American whistle. Sergeant Sexy, according to the name on her
star-shaped badge, was adorned with the latest in blue latex jumpsuit technology, complete with an extra long silver zipper, enabling the uniform to be removed in a single swipe— in case of emergency. She provided free pat downs and strip searches for all questionably sexy men. When one resistant suspect gave her attitude, Sergeant Sexy commanded the situation. Grabbing the fuzzy pink cuffs she had dangling off her hips, she slapped them on the first pledge she saw, breathily whispering “You’ve been a naughty, naughty boy.” With a paralyzing pelvic thrust, she subdued the perpetrator, pepper spraying him with the spray she had conveniently located on the same keychain as her rape whistle.
7.) Honey Boo Boo: With the recent popularity of the show, many girls were mocking Honey Boo Boo last night in Five Points. They might be rocking her pageant attire or just acting like a redneck, saying some of her famous phrases like “A dolla make me holla Honey Boo Boo” and other outright terrible quotes. 6.) Cat: This is possibly the most overdone costume in the books, and every year the amount of girls wearing it increases. It’s simple, just wear something skimpy and black, draw on some whiskers, buy cat ears, and attach a tail, and bam you can be a cat too. Why does everyone assume that cats are slutty anyway? 5.) Some Alcoholic Beverage: We all saw our share of girls dress up like Burnett’s bottles, guys in Captain Morgan garb, and bros turning old beer cases into Viking armor or some sort of stupid beer super hero. Whatever their drink of choice was, it was well represented through costume last night. It also made no one laugh. 4.) School Girl: Like the cat, this is an unimaginative woman’s go-to favorite, seen at almost every party last night. Most girls pull it off well, so it was probably an enjoyable sight. A sight that you saw on at least 20 different girls at whatever party you attended. 3.) Insert Slutty Occupation Here: This is a completely overdone, unintelligent costume that requires zero thought BUT highly approved for any woman out there trying to get laid. Whether it was a slutty nurse, French maid, police officer, or teacher, they did their job, adding just the right amount of slut to it to make a pleasant Halloween costume. 2.) Embarrassing and Hilarious Pledge Costume: This is one of the highlights of any Halloween party hosted by a fraternity. 20 guys ridiculously dressed, having to stay looking ridiculous the entire night.
Columbia PD had caught wind of the situation by this point, uselessly busting onto the scene of the incident. Sergeant Sexy looked over at the three fat men with donut glaze stains on the front of their completely unattractive uniforms and yelled authoritatively “I’ve secured the scene, you got it from here boys?” As their hands were sticky from doing God knows what, Sexy assisted the cops with marching the boys out of the bar, throwing them in the back of their squad cars. As payment, the cops bought her a few shots – forgetting to ask for her ID. So Columbia, you can rest safely knowing that at least someone is doing a good job protecting this city from douchey fratstars, even if that someone got her badge and uniform from the local porn shop. Next time you need help, hit up Tri-Delt and ask for Sergeant Sexy. She responds faster if you bribe her with booze.
1.) ”Binders Full of Women” Romney: Simple but effective, this costume proves that a bad case of mush mouth and a man who could be a polygamist are both electrically funny. +1,000,000 points for anyone who also managed to mount a bayonet on a trusty steed to carry them around all night.
usc staff wrote this
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Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
Tweet for Treat (specials list) Live DJ: 5 Points Largest Dance Party
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Taco Tuesday! $5 Taco Basket Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor
Tuesday Boozeday! $2 Domestics
$2.50 Yuengling, $2 Tequila, $3 Virgil Kaine Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $1.50 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestics, $3 Imports
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The College Life of Past Presidents Andrew Jackson
Not all of the Presidents of the United States attended college, but most of them sure as hell acted like they did. We tracked down the best of the worst—the stereotypes. From fatty to fratty, below are six college stereotypes embraced by presidents long dead. By: Quinn and Brendan
Lyndon B. Johnson
The Impetuous Asshole
The Savvy Sex Machine
Every once in a while you run into the kid who’s always looking for a fight. For some reason, just boozin’ and ogling girls all night doesn’t cut it for these guys – they need to establish themselves as the manliest man in the bar. Say something even remotely offensive, like “This food is too hot,” or “Hey, where’d your girlfriend go?” and they perk up a testosterone-riddled brain boner.
Everyone comes to college with dreams of a multitude of sex partners dancing through their little brains. Then reality sets in, and you end up occasionally having sex with one girl, then get married, then die. But then there is your buddy, who you regard as a dbag but like hanging out with anyway. Perhaps you’re just jealous that, despite not being great-looking and lacking personality, this asshole manages to bring home different girls on the reg.
Though our seventh president didn’t go to college, his friends probably hated hanging out with him. Reportedly, Jackson was involved in over 100 duels. And these duels weren’t over human rights or other matters of importance, most were about the honor of his wife, Rachel. Jackson lived with a bullet in his chest from an 1806 duel, and another bullet in his arm from a barroom fight in 1813 with Missouri senator Thomas Hart Benton. Where most guys will eventually cool down and walk away from a fight, Andrew Jackson said, “No, lets take it outside. With guns.”
calvin coolidge
LBJ, or should we say “El BJ,” was just that bro. He wasn’t in the White House long before installing a buzzer in the Oval Office so the Secret Service could warn him when his wife was coming. Your buddy might have a name for the girls he always brings home because he can’t be bothered to remember their names, be it “Asian Kelly,” or “Dance Floor Jenny.” LBJ couldn’t even go that far, and just called his small army of blowjobbers his “harem.”
gerald ford
William Howard Taft The Jolly Fat Guy His shirt may say “I beat anorexia” or “there’s more of me to love,” but we know behind closed doors this guy shovels ice cream cake into his mouth as he cries himself into a sleep apnea-induced coma. William Howard Taft—prior to being eaten by a pack of wolves—was that fatass. Known as “Big Lub” during his time at Yale, he would go on to assume the 27th Presidency of the United States, where the comedic stylings of a fat suit movie continued. Taft was known for his insatiable appetite, and the gassiness that came with it. Furthermore, Fatty Fat Fat Taft famously got stuck in a White House bath tub on account of his fatness. Taft’s presidency lasted only one term which, in light of it resembling a bad Kevin James movie, is a good thing. And if his surely-marbled flesh is any indication, those wolves certainly found him delicious.
John Adams
The Couch Potato
The Dumb Jock
The Degenerate
Throughout college you’ll run the gamut of shitty roommates. From the kid who’s always “studying,” to the one who loudly bangs his overweight girlfriend, one of the most prevalent roommate-characteristics is the lazy asshole who never leaves his room.
Normal students often look on student-athletes with a haughty mixture of awe and disdain. On one hand, we love it when Jack Touchdown snags a pass to win a game in triple overtime. On the other, the idea that these guys get a free ride regardless of their academic acumen never quite exits the occipital lobe.
Wake up? Drink. Pass out? Drink. Go to class? Drink. Throw up? Drink. Some of us exist to go on and do great things, others exist as a living, breathing warning sign that things can go awry in a hurry if we don’t get our shit together. Well, unless that drunk turns out to be the second President of the United States.
With that in mind, one doesn’t expect star athletes to amount to much post-college. If the student-athlete is lucky, he’ll end up as the president of a regional fast food franchise; worse, he’ll end up president of his quickly-dwindling fan club. Then Gerald Ford comes along and shits all over your expectations.
John “The Lush” Adams had a drinking problem, and that problem, most naturally, was his lack of drink. Famously he wrote a letter to his wife stating:
Whether he developed these habits at Amherst College or not is beside the point, because Calvin Coolidge carried them into the White House. Coolidge often slept 10 hours a day, and after waking up he enjoyed the morning ritual of having his head massaged with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed. Here the other White House-dwellers do their part in taking care of dishes and not sleeping through the morning – but Ole Calvin sits in bed eating until noon, getting Vaseline everywhere. You suspect the strange smell emanating from his room is beginning to take over the entire house. How he manages to get his work done is inconceivable, so maybe there is something to say about a good head massagin’ every morning.
At the University of Michigan Ford starred as the football team’s starting center and starting linebacker—like your mom, he goes both ways. And in the days before helmets were worn on the field, he never suffered from pussy diseases like “brain damage” or “an early death.” The dude actually wound up as President of the United States after Nixon was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal. The dude totally smashed Keystone Light and pussy with the same vigor he did the SALT treaty. High five, bro!
“I would give three guineas for a barrel of your cider… I would give a guinea for a barrel of your beer. A small beer here is wretchedly bad. In short, I am getting nothing that I can drink, and I believe I shall be sick from this cause alone.” So yeah, hello spring break drunk dial voicemail. “Girl, I’m hammered but I jus wanna kish your mouth an have yew feed me my boozies an I jus threw up but I’ma be aiirigh---I’m gonna go sleep now, love you. Ya boo, Johnny A.”
the interview
Professional Bowler Michael Fagan
Michael Fagan is the PBA’s #3 ranked bowler. He’s a 4-time PBA Champion with one major under his belt. He’s traveled the world to bowl, and he also has a nickname: “The King of Swing.” Well, now he can check off another item off the ole’ wish list: an interview with The Black Sheep. We caught up with Mike because we were curious, what’s the life of a professional bowler like? Well, let’s find out. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you get interested in bowling? Michael Fagan: I started playing when I was six years old. My grandfather and mother were always bowling, so it was something I did as a kid. I looked forward to hanging out in bowling alleys on Saturday afternoon. As I got a little older I started going to tournaments every single weekend. I made a little money doing it in college, doing amateur tournaments. Trying it professionally was something I really wanted to do after college, so I joined the PBA. I had some moderate success, I paid my dues, and it’s starting to come to fruition right now. TBS: Where did you go to school? What did you study? Michael: I went to St. John’s in Queens, and I studied finance. TBS: How does one make inroads to becoming a professional bowler? Michael: In recent years they’ve definitely opened up the doors. There used to be a qualifying process, but these days if you think you’re good enough and you want to give it a shot, you pay your membership fees and you get your entries in. TBS: How did you make the jump from as you say, “moderate success,” to being one of the best bowlers in the world? Michael: Well, if you look at the first TV show I made back in 2003, I don’t throw the ball like that anymore. Back in college I was a little more irrational, more aggressive with my style—I’ve learned to tone that down a little bit, and I’ve figured out how to balance power and finesse. I’ve also learned to play the lanes differently, and that’s helped too. TBS: What’s your daily routine like? Michael: We have some tournaments coming up, so I’ve been practicing almost every single day. I’ll get up, have breakfast, hit the gym for an hour or so, check some emails, eat lunch with my fiancé, and practice for a couple of hours. Obviously in my profession you have to stay on top of the equipment, so I spend a lot of time in the pro shop trying out new balls and things like that. TBS: When you practice, how do you practice? Michael: For me it’s about working on my technique. Working on timing and releases. It’s situational things like how to play it straighter on the lanes, or if I have to hook it more, how to do that. TBS: Do you play your lane or your opponent? Michael: At the end of the day, you’re playing the lane. But, when it comes down to a match play situation, you have to pay attention to how your opponent is playing a lane, because each one of their shots can change the oil pattern. Someone with a high revolution rate, the oil pattern will change that much faster. At the end of the day, you’re bowing the pins. TBS: How much different is a competition lane from just an average lane in an average bowling alley? Michael: It’s a tough subject, honestly. When I was growing up oil was put on the lane to protect the lane. Now it’s used to alter the scoring environment with patterns. With technology and trial and error, there’s ways to oil the lane that will make the scores gigantic. There’s ways to pattern the oil where you’ll throw it towards a gutter, it’ll hit the dry boards and come back, or you’ll roll it down the middle and the ball will hold its line. We don’t bowl on those types of conditions. If you’re a decent bowler and you go to a random lane you can bowl 220 or 230 with those patterns, but we don’t play anything like that. The conditions we play on are comparatively much more difficult. It’s a tough thing, most people out there may not respect the pros because the scores on the tour may be lower than the scores in your everyday league. Bowling lanes are a business. They want people to strike, so they make the lanes easier to do that. TBS: Do you have a career highlight? Michael: Things have been going really well this past year and a half. Winning the USBC Masters this past January was my career achievement. It’s one of those events where I’ve never had a lot of success, but this year I changed my strategy. Like I was saying, in years past I’d play my opponent and their strategy, this year I just played the lane. TBS: Is there any country that’s crazy for bowling, and the layperson wouldn’t assume that to be the case? Michael: There’s actually several countries that are great in bowling, and it’s kind of a shame that bowling is not part of the Olympics yet—we have the participation and the skill level around the world. The Bowling World Cup sends one representative from each country to compete. 88 to 90 countries participate in it. Some fo the best countries out there are England, Finland, Sweden, South Korea, Malaysia, Singapore. The United States is still the best bowling country in the world, but the gap is narrowing. TBS: Is pop culture accurate? Is the 7-10 split the hardest shot? Michael: I would say I’ve made that more than I’ve made the 4-6. It’s a lot harder to slide the pin over or bounce it out, and I think I’ve only made the 4-6 once in my whole life, whereas I’ve made the 7-10 about 10 times or so. Read more about Michael at his website, faganbowling.com.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
The details in theaters november 2
Jeff and Nealy (Tobey Maguire and Elizabeth Banks) have been married for ten years and are living an ideal suburban life complete with the rocky relationship and infidelity. Just when things start getting really messy, a family of raccoons ransack their backyard and, before they know it, ruin a whole lot more than just their perfectly-manicured begonias.
flight in theaters november 2
Denzel Washington plays a badass pilot who miraculously crashlands a plane to save everyone on board. Homeboy becomes a hero, but naturally there's a catch - apparently, he had booze in his system during the time of the accident. Seems like an insignificant detail considering the circumstances, but what do we know?
100 Greatest Songs of the 90s Saturday, November 3 from 4pm - 9pm on VH1
If five straight hours of 90s hit songs sound like a great way to start your Saturday night, then this is what you'll need to be watching. So take a drink when P.Diddy is still called Puff Daddy. Take a drink when you know every word to a song. Take a drink when Britney was still hot. Take a drink for the beauty that is the 90s!
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bartender of the week nick salty nut How long have you been bartending here and what is the best night to find you working? I’ve been here since we’ve reopened so 3 weeks! I usually work Friday nights so swing by then! What’s your favorite part about bartending at Salty Nut? Well the atmosphere and the people here are awesome. But more importantly, where else in Five Points can you throw stuff like peanut shells on the ground? What’s different about Salty now that you’ve reopened after the fire? To start, we’ve obviously amped up our security system big time, but that’s boring. We’ve renovated the deck and now have a bar out there! Our inside bar is better than ever and will begin selling wine in the near future. What makes your bar special compared to others? Our beer selection is unique in that
the drinking game
we offer seasonal beers, such as Sam Adams Oktoberfest, around this time. We might be the only bar to offer Ranger, which is quite popular. You were granted one wish from a genie. What is your wish?: Easy. That I can just be 21 already. What’s one thing you’re exceptionally good at?: You’d never guess but I can make some mean drinks. What’s your favorite drink to make?: It doesn’t have a name, I just made it up one day. It has Sprite, grenadine, pineapple juice, orange juice, and coconut rum. It’s delicious. Kill, F***, Marry- Oprah, Rosie O’ Donnell, and Paula Deen: I’d marry Paula, duh. I’d have to f*** Oprah and kill Rosie.
Recipe for Disaster
social media shots
cavity bark
Face it: You’re always checking your Twitter feed or Facebook Timeline anyway. Why not make a game out of it? Instead of looking like a jerk when you’re out a party sending a tweet, you can turn it in to a group thing the whole gang can enjoy.
As soon as Halloween ends, all of the mounds of candy left over in grocery stores goes on sale. After an extreme binge session, you’ll most likely have become extremely bored of the redundant, Juicy-Fruit-caramely-nutty candy pieces. Fear not, because this bark of candy is guaranteed to liven up your candy-eating habits.
What You’ll Need: A Facebook or Twitter account, shot glasses, beer, and hard alcohol. Number of Players: You have like 1,000 “real” Facebook friends, right? Level of Intoxication: Enough to willingly send some nudie pics later on. How to Play: - Take out your laptop or iPhone, log in to Twitter or Facebook, and drink as follows: - Take a shot of beer every time you see: - A sob story status or tweet. - A “Happy birthday!” post. - Someone quoting a song. Take 2 if it’s Taylor Swift. - A “lyke dis if u love jesus/if u hate cancer/if u think this girl’s hot” post. - Completely uninformed political arguments. - Take a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - A picture of a girl naked/in her underwear/bikini. - A mirror shot of a guy showing off his muscles. - Someone announcing they’re getting engaged or having a baby. - Someone using a hashtag incorrectly. - An invite for an “I lost all my phone numbers!” event. - Give a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - Someone’s relative calling them out on an inappropriate status/picture/tweet. - Someone acting as the “grammar police” in response to a status or tweet. - Someone has favorited or retweeted your tweet or liked your status or picture. - Someone has invited you to join them in Farmville or some annoying Facebook app. - An Instagram link to a picture of food or pretty leaves. The Game Ends When: Everyone feels awful about their social lives or body image.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What You’ll Need: Excess Halloween candy, 1/2 pound of white chocolate, and mini pretzels. Cook Time: 1 hour Fatty Factor: You’ll finally fill in that chubby pumpkin costume you bought a few weeks ago. Let’s Get Baked: - Line an 8-inch square baking pan with parchment. - Heat your chocolate up in the microwave and stir until smooth. Make sure to do it in 15-second intervals so it doesn’t burn. - Spread the chocolate along your pan. - Here comes the fun part: Take any excess candy you have and pile it onto your melted chocolate. We’re talking candy corn, Twix, everything you got! - Stick your pan in the freezer until it’s hardened. This should take about one hour. - Remove the bark from the pan and break into little pieces. - Now stuff your damn face. There are really no restrictions on this one. Except maybe leave out those nasty fruit snacks the teachers next door gave you and the pennies from the old geezer down the block. Shit’s nasty.
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urban trick or treating Sammy Potkins wrote this This Halloween over 30 children were killed, and 130 were left wounded in areas surrounding Five Points and Two Notch Road. These attacks, which were mostly unprovoked, included poisoning, gang beatings, stabbings, shootings, and in many cases excessive bitch slapping. Nearly every crime was somehow related to underage drinking, according to police, who managed to find a few of the suspects involved in these atrocities, only to release them immediately upon realization that they didn’t have any money. Officer Brooke was on patrol the night of Halloween. He stated, “Statistically, Halloween crime has decreased since last year, and we are not allowed to pick and choose which laws to enforce. If a man is smoking a joint in his living room and his neighbor is out poisoning small children with candy, the law sees no difference.” When asked about details of the horrific Halloween events, he described one particular crime scene, “It was usual activity, a crackhead pushing a shopping cart down the sidewalk, avoiding hallucinations of leprechauns chasing him. This confused man decided to sprinkle some crack rocks into the Pop Rocks he had stolen from the grocery store and hand them out to children.” Many of Five Points’ homeless have also resorted to stealing Snickers to satisfy their hunger, only to realize that caramel, peanuts and chocolate are not in the least bit filling. Two Notch Road was crawling with “ghouls and goblins” searching for children while outnumbering police 400 to 1. The crime rate has dropped in Columbia since its peak in 2003, but is still a huge problem as Columbia sits comfortably in the bottom 2% of American cities. Police have concluded that the huge number of underage drinkers Wednesday night contributed to the nearly 30 deaths of the victims found north of Harden Street. Many of the police trace the beginning of the underage drinking to a “Halloween blow-out” that occurred at a local bar around 7 p.m. EST.
C OU HECK RS O C B UT OO TS!
and more!
THE RANGE West Columbia, SC | therange811.com
The Halloween blow-out, according to reports, was serving underage freshman and sophomores a deadly concoction call “party juice.” Police have yet to find the connection between these drunk underclassmen and the 30 dead school children, but they are convinced that after further investigation they will figure out some way to make the connection. Police officials have also announced that because of the deaths there will be a huge increase in Five Points policing in the coming weeks. The bolstered police force in Five Points is a last-ditch effort by Columbia police to stop the violence caused by underage drinking in the area. Mischief night, the traditional night before Halloween, yielded the usual eggs, toilet paper, and brown paper bags full of shit. Officer Brooke went on to tell reporters that, “It’s fine when a few teenagers and college students want to beat the shit out of each other in a parking lot, but the abduction and killing of children for sport is a serious problem, which we at the department have confidently attributed to underage drinking on Halloween night.”
l a i t n e d i s e h s pr a m face
Eisenh
The man you see below has spend over 38 years in the White House. What, he's unrecognizable to you? Well maybe you need to hit up a high school history class, or maybe it's just because we took various presidential facial features and slapped them together. Yeah, that's it. Well, can you identify which presidential facial feature belongs to each commander in chief? If you can correctly identify the head, hair, ears, eyes, nose, mouth and moustache of each big boy, email Face@theblacksheeponline.com to claim your prize.
ower, Nixon, Obama, Kennedy Clinton, Bush Jr., Taft
the classtime
madlib: presidential speech
cept, huh? So if you had one too many ___11___’s at ___12___ and ended up grinding with ___13___ to ___14___ all night long, and he swooned you with ___15___ and then you ended up on their ___16___ and… you know… well, you can get that taken care of now. Because it’s your body that little mon• First things first, ___2___ will become ster will be brewin’ in, so it only makes legalized. Not just medicinally but, you sense. know, for ___3___ shows and marathons of ___4____. And those nasty • The troops will be coming home in time for Thanksgiving! So get excited for hangovers, my God. maxing out on ___17___ and ___18___ • Universal healthcare? Why not! If football and ___19___, because this is you broke your ___5___ while partak- America! Additionally, for the holidays ing in ___6___ fun with your favorite all who have served in the past two debooty call, fear no more! There’s no cades will receive complimentary botlonger reason to worry about ___7___ tles of ___20___, ample ___21___ and or knocking up your ___8___ anymore, ___22___ strippers, because, again, this because condoms and birth control will is America!!! be free for all! Especially for ___9____ My fellow Americans, I hope that you and ___10___, for obvious reasons. are satisfied with your choice of presi• Because it’s 2012 and not 1812, wom- dent. The next four years are going to en will have equal rights! Novel con- be bomb as hell, I swear. Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your new president speaking, and I know that my election win comes as a shock to most of you. Rest assure that even though I only have the brains of a ___1___- cast member, this country is going to get hella better. Here is why:
Meet The Staff campus manager Scott Bellanger Editorial manager Michael Rinderman Advertising Managers Matt Garibaldi Justin Mims Ryan Skelly Writers Cody Brown, Mel Gaddy Mike Singer photographer You? Come on... distribution manager Tom McHugh promotions manager Alyssa Walter
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