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“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
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Inside 04 Christmas Break A recap of the very few things you actually did
reclaim your crown: THE BATTLE TO RE-ESTABLISH YOUR DRINKING TOLERANCE fink wrote this
07 Freshman Bucket List
Freshmen, you now have one semester to do all of this
10 Political Discourse
In the wake of disaster, we apologize for our vitriolic language
Winter break has come and gone, and for the next week or so there will be an unusually high number of blackouts, pissed beds and regrettable one-night stands. While the lucky portion of the student body spent their winter breaks in a perpetual drunken state at a ski lodge in Colorado, the rest of us returned to crappy jobs we openly hate to build up a solid beer money fund for the semester. Due to the lack of late nights getting bombed and an excess of lameness, early bedtimes, and these unfortunate souls subjected themselves to the dangerous side effects of a boring, adult routine. The most important and serious being loss of tolerance to alcohol. A loss of tolerance carries with it its own dangerous and humiliating side effects, a small portion of which was mentioned earlier. Coming back to campus and diving head first into syllabus week after a binge drinking hiatus will guarantee a hangover to beat all hangovers, along with a reputation that will ward off any and all invitations to future drinking events. No one will want to risk inviting you for a quiet evening of Edward 40-hands after the projectile vomiting spectacle you’ll inevitably display at your first night back at Kam’s! For the sake of retaining your image and social life, it’s critical to take baby steps while reintroducing yourself to the college drinking culture. Even if you were able to able to knock back a few on New Year's, it’s possible that it’s been as many as three weeks since your encounter with Andre. Getting back into the swing of things, and not getting banned from White Ho before you can make a name for yourself in karaoke will take patience, practice and a few bad hangovers before you earn back your tolerance and various alcohol-related nicknames. These methods will ensure you’ll be back to doing your famous 20-second keg stands in no time:
Losing Streak: While pride is an important thing to keep, your dignity should always take first priority. I know that most would rather lick last night’s beer from the kitchen floor than purposely lose a round of beer pong or slap cup, but your body needs the practice! You’ve been out of practice, and might not be able to heat up as easily as you normally do, so allowing yourself to throw a game or two when it comes to competitive drinking will help you in the long run. For example, getting shut out in beer pong will be embarrassing and hard to take at first, but a naked lap, or even the dreaded troll rule will help bulk up your physical and psychological tolerance. Losing will encourage you to play more rounds, which will get you more practice. On a side note, drinking the rinse cup will do two things: suppress that gag reflex to Unofficial-like status so you can chug any disgusting concoction thrown at you, AND build up that immune system that was inevitably weakened by the cleanliness of your hometown home.
Classy Booze: Your poor, deprived liver can’t quite cope with the plastic handles that are left over at your apartment from last semester. Dropping too much dime on alcohol is never actually fun, and not at all practical once you’ve mastered the art of a jungle juice concoction that would cover the taste of gasoline. For the time being, until you can force down shots of cheap gin, it would be in your best interest to take a little extra cash out of your Friday afternoon shopping trips and designate it towards Tanqueray instead of your reliable, cheap G-man. You may be nervous and wonder, “Won’t upping your taste in booze subject your checking account to a brutal beating?” Maybe so, however just like you were able to transition from Smirnoff Ice to good old keg
CONTINUED ON PAGE 19...
In This Issue
05: Your New Year’s Resolutions Have you broken yours yet? You will...
22: Backpage
Are you gonna get laid tonight?
18: Early Graduation
Why the hell would you ever do it?
21: Interview
We go back and forth with techno rockers Pendulum.
06: On Tits
One of the perks of coming back to U of I.
20: Movie Review
The Green Hornet didn’t live up to its buzz.
09: Syllabus Week
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
18: Top 10
You don’t want to hear this in the bathroom.
16: Recipe For Disaster
Make this drunk food now, thank us for it later.
14: Where Are Your Friends Oh, they’re thousands of miles away, you’re screwed.
a big list of awesome stuff
No, no, the other one felt better!
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Chart of the week!
Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Hairitage: Definition: Foregoing pube grooming to better get in touch with one’s ancestors. Sentence: “Ben, the reason I haven’t shaved my pussy in two months is because I’m trying to better know my ancestors by learning about my hairitage.” Pierate: Definition: A roommate or friend that will eat your delicious baked goods without even asking. Sentence: “Alright, which one of you pierate assholes ate my cherry strudel?” (Send us a sentence at vocab@theblacksheeponline.com using one of the vocab words and the best one will win a prize!
Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com
Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets
04
“What about campus did you miss most during break?”
Winter Break:
A retro-diary on time well wasted
"The colorful, puke-covered snow caused by freshman girls who can't hold their liquor."
David S.
Jason Terry wrote this It’s time to return from your parents’ basement and get in touch with Champaign again. Winter break flew by and now that school is starting you are forced with the realization that you did not accomplish anything you planned on getting done over break. With that in mind, we here at The Black Sheep decided to reflect on the common incongruities between what most of us hoped to get done over break, and what we actually did, with the hopes that you will learn from your mistakes and have a successful semester.
December 31
December 19
January 2
Results: Wake up with a hangover, realize you only have enough money to get your parents their own respective U of I notebooks. Then find the extra cash crumpled up in your jeans from the night before and spend it on Chipotle, since you’ve already left the bookstore. Agenda: Wholesome get-together with extended family.
Agenda: Hit the gym. Today starts 2011: a spiritual journey in finding yourself. Results: Wake up still hungover from New Year’s, gorge yourself on your mom’s big breakfast and spend 6 hours strategically liking the Facebook photos of girls you wish you were having sex with. Wait anxiously for reciprocal Facebook action. Fall asleep around 8pm.
"Spend six hours strategically liking girls on Facebook you wish you were having sex with..."
Results: Get lured into your college drinking habits. Your mother cried when you told everyone finals week is “like the perfect time to drink because everyone else is studying.” Your recovering alcoholic uncle leaves after he refuses to hold the beer bong and you accuse him of being a bro-hater. As you continue your path of familial destruction, end the night by offering to smoke your brother-in-law up, being too blacked out to remember he is training to be a cop. December 26
Results: Get drunk, but not drunk enough to justify grinding your dick on your ex- until closing time when you make sweet, messy love in an alley next to the bar.
“”
Agenda: Pick up matching U of I mom’s and dad’s sweatshirts as Christmas presents so that they can upstage all the other married people without shirts to show how their child lives.
December 24
Agenda: Get hammered with your hometown friends at a local bar and climax by kissing a random lady to start the New Year out right.
Agenda: Write thank you cards for family, include heart-felt apology and assurance that you think everything is best in moderation. It might be a good idea to include your plans on attending law school and not just “figuring shit out for a year,” and “maybe moving to LA or somewhere warm.” Results: Forgot about thank you cards in midst of a Back to the Future marathon. Returned every Christmas gift and scoured eBay for a hookah that truly captures the “vibe” of your apartment.
January 14
Agenda: Visit with your grandparents. It’s a long time until you’ll be back in town, and they’re always talking about missing you. Finish your laundry, fix any problems in your class schedule, and organize your notebooks and school supplies so you’re ready for classes on Tuesday.
"Warm Keystone!"
Max M.
Results: Visited the local high school dropout to stock up on weed and avoid the on-campus mark-up prices. Remember that you didn’t visit your grandparents half way back to Champaign, call them with an excuse about class or an unforeseen essay with the hopes that they will mail you the twenty bucks they typically give you on your way back to school. Sure, you didn’t get everything done you had hoped for. You may have done 8-minute abs once, and only read 20 pages of the book you promised yourself to read, but you sure as hell caught up on all the movies and sleep you needed. Now you can bust into the next semester with bold enthusiasm. You should consider break a success. Sure, success is a vague concept. You’ve also offended family and friends, but most importantly you stayed true to yourself, and after all isn’t that what 2011 is all about?
"Strolling through campus at 6am to see the freshly fallen snow... and avoiding being judged on my walk home."
Heather K.
05
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Why You Won’t Keep Your Drunk Resolutions John Mc”Honey”Combs wrote this Every January millions of people across America make empty promises to make themselves feel better than the fat, disgusting individuals they truly are. Like a pregnancy test that comes back negative, the New Year means hope for a new beginning, but like your birth control you know you’re gonna screw it up eventually. Instead of talking about the typical “Be less of a lardass” resolutions I’m going to tell you why your drunk resolutions are going to crash and burn.
Be less of a whore. Let’s be honest, at this point even your dead grandmother knows you’re not virgin. It’s nice that you want to re-establish that image of the innocent girl you used to be and not the drunken mess riding dicks on the dance floor you are now. Not making out at parties for a month is not going to make those guys remember your name on your walk of shame after bomb night. So Rebecca thinks you’re a slut. Big deal. She’s just upset that guys are not paying attention to her. And if she can’t compete with a girl whose skirt is over her head for attention then that’s her problem. You might go a week or two into January without getting crazy, but the inner slut in you has already been awoken and is looking to feed. Who else is going to strip the virginity of CS majors? You are the only thing outside of their guild that gives them any hope. Don’t drunk text/call. This is probably the hardest one to keep. When you drink, that little moral voice inside your head
(who kind of sounds like Christopher Walken for some reason) that usually tells you to shut the fuck up is suddenly silenced. When they’re shitfaced everyone feels like the voice of God, if God had a bitchin’ sense of humor. It’s as if Martin Luther King and Dave Chappelle had manifested in your throat and you must share this gift with the world. The only person who can truly appreciate this is obviously your one friend who is lame enough to sleep at 1AM but thankfully you have the tools to reach her. In the society we live in, technology has allowed even the craziest nut bag to express their stupid, half-baked opinions. Even if you don’t say something aloud, you’re going to text it or email it or post on your Facebook/Twitter page. Trying to go against this urge to tell your roommate what you just used as a makeshift condom is going against what makes America great.
Don’t get into fights. Alcohol allows us to strip the functions that define us as civilized until the only thing that’s left is our basic animal instincts, those being fighting and sex. So you’ve been arrested three times last semester, they at least dropped the charges two of those three times. All that matters is you’re a real Tommy Toughnuts when you drink and everyone in this bar should fucking know it. While you’re wasted is the perfect time to confront your roommate on why he is Facebook friends with your sister. That d-bag deserves a real knuckle sandwich. Alcohol makes it possible to look past those things like logic, reason, and pain. This cop is really starting to get on your nerves, and if you
move fast enough, you might be able to grab his gun.
Don’t eat drunk food. At least you’re being honest with yourself and admitting that late night pizza and chicken strips have turned your freshman fifteen into the sophomore sixty. There is something about empty calories that just mixes well with alcohol. It’s as if your body is saying, “If we’re gonna destroy our liver, we might as well screw over our arteries while we’re at it.” Seriously, try eating a carrot when you’re drunk. Without the proper fats and greases it’s damn near impossible to slide down your gullet. Which will remind you of your “Be less of a whore” resolution, driving you to self-loathingly eat a whole carton of Ben & Jerry’s latest new flavor Sugar Coated Daddy Issues.
06
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No Tits and Townie Girls make Quinn an Angry Man Q$Millionaire wrote this For the entire history of my experience in the American education system, I cannot say that there has ever been a time when I look forward to getting back to school after a long break. If I could live the rest of my days waking up at noon to an empty house, beating off when and where I want, having a refrigerator full of food and a liquor cabinet full of Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel Whiskey, I think I would be a happy man. However, this is all fine and good except that my hometown is lacking in one thing. One thing that the University has mastered, one thing that keeps smart, handsome straight shooters such as myself crawling back to their institutions to pay too much money for something I’ll probably never use. That thing, dear reader, is that they admit a healthy amount of fine looking women into the institution. Now, I’m not saying that you ladies are only here on campus to keep the stronger, more intelligent half of the human race in school. You belong here just as much as squirrels belong in the trees, making your presence known, gathering nuts, and watching the superiors from a distance. Ok that all actually sounded pretty awful, I apologize, but instead of deleting it I’m just going to tell you to forget it. Would you believe that since the admittance of women into higher education in 1848 the overall percentage of college attendees has drastically increased? I’m not saying that more men started attending college as more women did… actually yes that is what I’m saying. Think about it, in the Revolutionary War days, the only way people could meet the opposite sex was through the incest-ridden network of
S D N s E G LE sent Pre
their small town. Now there is a place where lots of women go, pack themselves into “sororities” and start to “think freely” about “hand jobs.” Old Johnny Tremain himself would have signed up on the spot had his hand not been severely deformed. So fast forward 200-some years to present-day Illinois. For the last 4 weeks I have been sitting in my house starved for attention from the opposite sex. Yes there are girls in my hometown, but no I have no real intention of associating with them. You see, if you are a girl in my town and aren’t knocked up by 17 then you’re doing pretty swell and should check yourself into the local junior college. If you then survive junior college, don’t yet have a child and haven’t gained 15 pounds, then you better get your ass to the local bar and start working on having that child and/or gaining fifteen pounds. At this local bar, you will see me sulking in the corner, trying to drink enough Bud Light to enjoy country music and imagine what you looked like in high school. This is why I keep coming back to school year after year – just to see a lot of hot girls. I don’t need to even talk to them or come near them, just watch them walking around, listen to them talking about how much they hate their third roommate, or text sweet nothings to Frats McGoo. At home, I’ve been like a dog that you lock in the laundry room for the weekend with no toys. Since he’s got no cars to chase or squirrels to bark at, he will just start chewing on his paw for entertainment. In my case, however, my crooked shaft is my paw and instead of chewing it I just beat it to hell and dive deep into the dark abyss of Internet porn. Eventually I come to
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prefer the 2D images on my screen and have no inclination to talk to real people. This ends in my creeping in my basement for days on end, until my mom yells to me that school starts tomorrow and like a prisoner of war when his blurry pupils absorb the first rays of sunlight, and he catches a whiff of fresh flowers, I know that life outside my creepy imagination is worth living.
07
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07
e date at Eighty Eig h t k ht! Boo
Freshman Year Bucket List Mike, Ben’s Son! wrote this When I think back on my freshman year of high school all I can remember doing is eating Doritos and watching old Family Matters re-runs. High school movies had always promised me that my freshman year of high school would be spent chillin’ with hot babes, drinking cold beers with the football team and smoking pot with Sean Penn. I did none of these things (however I did smoke pot with a kid who LOOKED like Sean Penn), and I feel that I got robbed of some good times. This is why I have chosen to create a list of things I hope to do before the end of my freshman year of college. Think of the movie Bucket List starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman; it will be kind of like that, except by the end of it I’ll probably have cried even more.
Pretend to care about politics I still haven’t decided whether or not I will act extremely liberal or extremely conservative for ironic purposes. It’s too bad that the big election already happened, I feel like I wasted a great opportunity to not give a shit. Pursue a major that has no real world relevance I plan on starting my college years off right with my music and visual art minors attached to my much sought after Sub-Saharan African Languages degree. Can I get an “Ina Shan” anyone??
“”
Eat Doritos and watch old Family Matters re-runs: Oh Steve Urkel, what crazy hijinx will you get into next? What? You’re going to drink Cool Juice to change your DNA to win Laura’s heart? Urkel, looks like you’ve bit off more than you can chew this time!
Graffiti as many desks around campus as I can 8====D
"This semester is going to be nutz!"
Cry when I get lost: I plan to do this as much as I can this year. Last semester I would cry every other day when I got lost or took the wrong bus. I would run around frantically, ask people where I was, and tell them that I wanted to go home. Sometimes I got so worked up that I’d wet my pants. Wow, I really wish I hadn’t just written that. But, yeah, this is something that’s pretty much reserved for freshman only, and I plan on taking advantage of that. Become a writer for The Odyssey Sure, I don’t have to apply freshman year, but why wait? Man, this semester is going to be nutz!
Now taking reservations for fraternity/sorority exchanges, formals and semi formals, wedding receptions, holiday parties, etc.
Become involved with my residence hall’s student counsel Not only is it a fun and great way to make friends, but it would also put me in a great position if I ever wanted to become an RA, MA, you name it!
Stick it to the Dean! You have no idea how many half-baked schemes I got cooking to make old Dean’s face red! Where do I even begin? There’s the classic egging of the man’s house, releasing a pig in his office, and making love to his wife! After that we’re all going into town to burn down city hall!
START A RIOT! Come on! Our tuitions keep increasing and the administration is bumming us out! Let’s start a riot in the streets like our European brothers to freak out the squares who are keeping us down! After that we can all go down into town to burn down city hall! BURN DOWN CITY HALL!!! LETS DO IT!!!
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Why You’re So Happy On Syllabus Week Fratastasia wrote this After the plethora of mediocre “holidays” observed over break with over-bearing relatives and annoying friends from home (Christmas, Kwanza, our weird neighbor’s Quincenera...) is the beginning of a festival of epic proportions… Syllabus Week!
Mo’ Money: So you’ve either worked your ass off at your home grocery store or mommy & daddy slipped a gigantic check in your pocket the day you came back... But hey now, whatever the case, you’re starting off the semester with some dough. Here you are with a load of new disposable income. Emphasis on the word “disposable” since it will most likely all be spent on alcohol and 3am Jimmy John’s (and don’t be a cheap loser…tip your delivery guy. It is Syllabus Week after all). Everybody’s happy when they have more money and don’t have to think about how they use it, especially when it’s being used to get trashed. Just be careful investing in something like Urbana strippers; I heard those chicks are pricey these days.
“”
Okay, well maybe Syllabus Week can’t top a Quincenera, but you’ve got to admit that it’s the overall craziest week on campus. No one has any real responsibilities yet. Freshmen now know how to successfully enter a bar without looking like a bashful 1st grader, and everyone is so anxious to get back to the almost-fantasy lifestyle of continual binge drinking. Ahh, back to living the dream.
"Anything you got at home during break isn't half as good as sexcapades on campus."
Having partaken in five Syllabus Week festivals in the past, I have created a theoretical model that displays the real reasons that make the weeklong holiday such a happy and cherished time in the lives of college students. An intensive study in the campus-accredited Korean Times stated that in the year 2010, students noted that Syllabus Week was the only thing about college that made them choose to come back instead of staying at home and starting high-grossing cocaine factories in their parents’ basements. So what are the underlying pieces that make Syllabus Week that great? Well that’s where my theory comes in… A theory I might have subliminally picked up on in a Snoop Dogg album or something…
Mo’ Homies: New semester, new classes, and a new pool of friends to pick from. Meeting new people that first week back is great because they don’t know about your tendency to come to class reeking of tequila yet. Pick up enough new people in your classes and you’ll be rollin’ like Flava Flav and his posse by Saturday night. Making new friends is an automatic happiness boost, but just don’t let last semester’s friends get too jealous of your cooler, less irritating crew (less irritating for now at least, just wait for midterms). You know what they say, “Make new friends but keep the old, one is Smirnoff, and the other Patron”… something like that. Wait, screw the Smirnoff friends; I want the Patron.
Mo’ Action: Let’s be serious here; anything you get at home during
break isn’t half as good as the drunken and adventurous sexcapades you’ll get on campus. Thank GOD you’re back for some real business. The good news is that everyone wants some, so get it in. You’re meeting all these new hot people in your classes and just happen to run across them at Cly’s on Friday night. After that long, terrible month of bad sex or no sex, he or she will jump on you for all the right reasons (like your new money, or cool new friends). Yeah, you might have to see that person in class the next day and accept that you have no sexual restraint, but don’t let that get to you. Just be happy you got there first.
Chances are you’ll find yourself in high spirits from at least one of the three aspects of a happy Syllabus Week. If you’re lucky, you’ve got all three going for you! Whatever the case, enjoy the happiness and drunkenness while you can because you’ll contemplate moving back to your parents’ basement to start up that drug business by midFebruary.
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SHOUT OUTS! Shoutout: Hey Fink, sorry for making you troll with dirt-stache and then sending the next bp game into double overtime. Sincerely McHoneyCombs Lee, you're right, you've Brett Favred enough on this one, and I can't wait to party with my favorite (and SINGLE) brother this semester! Love, your sister Laura Jackie and Steph, thanks a million times for the futon, I'll be a on it a lot more during my last semester. Love, your Momma and Aunt
We’re Sorry for Our Discourse! By David Lauer wrote this | Email Dave at dlauer2@gmail.com In light of the idea that the tragic shooting in Arizona may have been influenced by political agendas, many members of the media have been suggesting that people may be swayed by strong discourse in the news. Several news agencies have been toning down their programs so as to prevent this sad event from happening again. Of course, since our news agency, The Black Sheep, has so many strong, devoted readers, we could never do this. If we ever toned down our content I would advise everyone to go out and shoot someone! And after that, I’d say go blow up a country! And maybe after that, read a good book because, really, you haven’t taken enough time for yourself lately.
• We are sorry for any remarks we may have made concerning people of Jewish faith. We SWEAR until last week we thought the word Jew meant Pterodactyl. So when we said “we were so scared of all those Jews in Jurassic Park,” we meant the winged reptiles, not Jeff Goldblum. We also clearly meant Pterodactyl when we said “If we ever traveled back in time, we would ride all the Jews and maybe even try hunting a few” and “it would take a lot of skill to kill a Jew”.
“”
But since we have no insurance and little money for lawyers, we will at least apologize for things in the past that may have been interpreted, however stupidly, to be us hate mongering against any person, race, or political party. Really, it seems pretty ridiculous that anyone would get any violent ideas from our writing, but none the less, it’s probably a good idea just to clarify:
• We are also deeply sorry for saying the only clowns that still perform are all Armenian and that’s “very interesting.” For one thing, this fact may be a lie. Also, it’s not actually that interesting.
"We don't want anyone thinking we're giving advice to serial killers."
• We are very sorry for suggesting that liberals and conservatives are like dogs and cats, and to solve our country’s problems one would simply need to put them together in a burlap sack and let them fight to the death. First of all, we do not want anyone putting two people in a burlap sack; the size of the sack, for one thing, would just be enormous. So, PLEASE, do not go bother any burlap sack makers! As for the idea that we think dogs and cats are meant to fight for the death in sacks, we always make sure that we have the consent of the animal. But, just so you know, actually getting the animals to agree to get in a sack together is easier said than done. • We are sorry for saying that a Communist’s most vulnerable spot is his heel and you should aim for it whenever you fight one. We were confusing this idea with the ancient Greek story of Achilles. A Communist’s heel is just as strong as any other parts of his or her body so don’t count on taking one out with a simple kick.
• When we wrote encouragingly to our readers that “they are strong and can be anything they want as long as they try” we did not think to say “except serial killers”. We don’t want anyone thinking that we’re giving advice to serial killers. We’re sorry for not footnoting our advice with this stipulation and will instead try to never encourage our readers to do anything, ever.
• White people do not burn fast. We don’t remember exactly the point we were trying to make when we said this, but all the same, we are very sorry for it. Thank you for allowing us to apologize for the things we said. When given the power to influence people in exchange for money, it’s hard not to get carried away sometimes. And it’s extremely hard not to write death threats in our articles as a creative way to get product placement money from gun companies. But know that we place the blame of this completely on ourselves and will try to better serve you in the future. Unless the awful government shuts us down!
Phi Mu- I throw compost and pizza boxes on your lawn because you make the sidewalks impossible to use with your fucking sprinklers in the fall. Thank god you assholes are leaving. Dear fatass bouncer at clys. next time you think about going on a power trip, remember that you have plumbers butt and your ass is hanging out. Happy syllabus week! Sick Cat, saw the boy you ditched us for finally had the baby with the girl he ditched you for. -your new best friends in 802 Jackie - it was great “reconnecting” back home over break, but let’s be serious, you’re a 5, I’m an 8, it just doesn’t add up. -Mike S To the girl who groped me all night at Kam's on Thursday, can we try this again? This time, let me turn around, the positioning will work out better. -Tall and very blue Amanda, did you come back early and pee in my room? I know it was you! -Sarah KK - who do you think you are? Making out with Mike on NYE with MY friends? Just wait until I see your fat ass, I will destroy you!!! -Meg
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THuRSTY THuRSDAY Rotating DJ Schedule $4 Select Sobieski Vodka Martinis! $3.50 Bells Oberon Pints $3 Red Stripe/Red Stripe Light
$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $3.75 Miller/Coors Pitchers
Back To School Special with MATHIEN, JAY MOSES & THE GR8 THINKAS and FRESHLY-QUILLIPED
Thursday Night RAGE! with DJ Mixx $2 Skyy Vodka $2 Long Islands $3 Skyy Vodka Red Bull $3 Vegas Bombs $2 Any Beer Btl. in the House!
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Whiskey $3 Boddington Pub Cans $2 Amaretto's Bulls vs Mavs 7pm
Karaoke Night! $2 Drafts $3 Jose
FRI 1/21
DJ Ian Procell & DJ REFLEX 10PM (house)
$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
COMEDY AT THE CANOPY (Early Show)
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Absolut Vodka $3 SoCo Shots & Drinks $3 Cruzan Rum & Cruzan 9
$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Jager Bombs $3 Jim Beam $3 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Top Shelf
SAT 1/22
SATURDAY THROWDOWN! DJ MERTZ 10 PM
$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Bacardi $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
SCHOOL OF SEVEN BELLS with COMMON LOON (Early Show!)
$3 Jager Bombs $3 Wild Turkey $3 Bacardi $3 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles
GAMEDAY WATCH PARTY #1 Ohio St. vs #22 ILLINI 11am $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Bacardi
$3 Captain Drinks $3 Jose Drinks
Closed
Open at NOON for The Big Game! $2 Wells, Cherry Bombs & O Bombs $3 Long Islands $6 Domestic Pitchers $2 Off appetizers
** CLOSED **
Book your next party or event at the Clybourne Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000
11am Hawks vs Flyers Biggest Game Ever! BEARS vs PACKERS 2pm --$2 Anything in the House-Steelers vs Jets 5:30pm $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings
$2 Bottles $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells
$1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm After pub quiz, Bonus Rounds of Buzztime Trivia - extra prizes
DARK STAR ORCHESTRA Continuing the Grateful Dead Experience!
$2 ANYTHING in the HOUSE! Patron-Jack- Bacardi Goose- Absolut - Beam You Name it $2! DJ Goo Boo Spinning Live
$1 Bud & Bud Light Drafts $10 Bud Hydrants $2 Sauza Tequila Shots $2 Cruzan Rum & Cruzan 9 Bulls vs Bucks 7pm
$2 Double Whiskey Drinks $10 Domestic Buckets
TUES 1/25
T-N-T! Tuesday Night Trivia 7PM Liquid Courage Karaoke 9:30 $4 SVEDKA MARTINIS! $1.50 MILLER HL BTLS
22oz. Mug Club $5 Buys a Mug Filled $3 Well Refills, ANY TAP & MORE! $5.50 Party Pitchers (Too many flavors!) $2 Shot Menu Kamikazes & Much More!
THE PIANO MAN Performing all your favorites! Come out and sing along! $3 Real Long Island Iced Teas! NO COVER!
WINE NIGHT with DJs Milk N Cookies $8 Bottles of Champagne & Wine $3 Svedka Martini's (Cosmo & Appletini's) $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles
Hawks vs Wild 7pm $2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Sharkbowls $5 Bud Light Pitchers $3 Soco Shots & Drinks
Logo Glass Night $3 Glass $2 Refills
WED 1/26
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Keystone Light taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic, $2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors)
WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAYS! Mug Night! DJ support from ChaliceDubs.com $5 Mugs for Purchase, $3 Drink Special refills! $1 Cover!
$2 Stella Artois Bottles $2 Malibu Rum $2 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Jim Beam Whiske
$2 Svedka Vodka $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Bud Mug Night: You Keep the Firehaus Glass Mug $2 Bud Refills - $3 Goose Refills
$1 Domestic Bottles $2 Screwdrivers
SPECIAL NIGHT
SUN 1/23
MON 1/24
MON: Van Gogh a Go Go! $5 Van Gogh Cocktails PINEAPPLE ACAI BLUEBERRY DOUBLE ESPRESSO VG GIN $6 Van Gogh Martinis DIRTY MASTERPIECE PINEAPPLE GIMLET ACAI COSMO GIMLET
Van Gogh a Go Go! $5 Van Gogh Cocktails PINEAPPLE ACAI BLUEBERRY DOUBLE ESPRESSO VG GIN $6 Van Gogh Martinis DIRTY MASTERPIECE PINEAPPLE GIMLET ACAI COSMO GIMLET
DJ DANCE PARTY (Late Show)
DJ DANCE PARTY (Late Show!)
GET ALL THE BAR SPECIALS ON OUR iPHONE AND ANDROID APP! SEARCH: BLACK SHEEP MOBILE!
The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3
Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERYDAY: $4 Pitchers, $1 Drafts $1 Cherry Bombs $3 Jager Bombs $1 Kamikaze $2.50 Shot Board Shots
Happy Hour $1 Off All Apps and 1/2 Off All THURSDAY: Hookah’s (at GSC2) $3 Sangria Special 6-8 Night Every Day. From $3 Sweet Tea Vodka Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Free Pool During Free pool duringHour!!! happy hour!!! Happy
WED 1/19
Karaoke Bomb Night! $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona Wednesday $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3$2.50Strong Islands Corona $4Bombs ICB’s $2.50 Jager
THURS 1/20
Burger Night (8pm-midnight) $1.00 Burgers $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Double Rum Wells LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
Thirsty Thursday $4 ICB’s $3.50 Pitchers of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Domestic and Import Bottles $3 Dr’s, $4 Strong Islands
FRI 1/21
$4 Double Red Bull Vodkas $2.50 Amaretto Stone Sours $3 Strong Islands LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2.50 Captain and Coke $2.50 Dr’s $3 Vodka/ RB $4 Signature Drinks
SAT 1/22
$3 Jager Bombs $3 Double Vodka Wells $2.50 Tequila Sunrise LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
So much live music! tHURSDAY: THE GREAT COVER UP FRI/SAT: The Martyrs
35 E. Green Street
WAFFLES FRIES ARE BACK! ONLY ON WEDNESDAYS! TRY THE NEW 20oz G-Bomb!
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Try the all new 20oz. G-Bomb! Bombs Away Wednesday $2 Any Bomb Introducing Waffle Fry Wednesday
$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka
The Great Cover Up! Kayla Brown w/ The Dirty Feathers, Stan & Vivian from Santah, Hot Cops, Jet W. Lee, The Sugar Prophets, Hathaways, Steve Meadows
$2 1/4 lb. Burgers $1 Buttery Nipples $2 Miller Family Beers $3 Stoli Flavor Drinks
Enjoy Our Beer Garden
The Martyrs (EARLY) DJ DELAYNEY (LATE) House, Hip-Hop, R&B, Reggae, and Old School Dance
$2 Jager Barrels $2 Washington Apples DJ Jon Han
$2 Budweiser Bottles $3 Dr. McGillicuddy's $3 Captain & Cokes $4 Signature Drinks
Enjoy Our Beer Garden
The Martyrs (EARLY) DJ LUNIKS $3 Corona $3 Corona Light $3 Red Bull & Vodka $3 Cherry Bombs
Miss our burgers? 1/2 price 11AM - 9PM $2 Kamikazes $2 Red Headed Sluts
$2 U CALL IT
Free Pool All Night $1 Miller Lite & Bud Light Draft’s $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Strong Islands
$2.50 Import Bottles
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
BEARS! BEARS! BEARS! Tired of Boring Trivia ?'s Manswers Style Trivia Coming Next Week
MON 1/24
$3 Pitchers 50¢ Pizza Slices
$1 Pint Refills of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Miller Bottles $3 Rumpleminze $4 Double Vodka/RB $1 Off All Burgers
$2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts
80's NIGHT! $1.50 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Wells NO COVER
1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 RBV's $1 Frozen Margaritas MNJ
TUES 1/25
Wing Night! (8pm-midnight) $.50 Jumbo Chicken Wings $1.00 Chicken Strips 3 for $1 Jumbo Popcorn Chicken $2 Coronas
Outlaw Karaoke $2 Bud and Miller Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Strong Islands $3.50 Motza Sticks
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Tequila Tuesday is Back! $1 Tequila shots $1 Jello Shots The 8th Grade Dance
WED 1/26
Karaoke Bomb Night! $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 ICB’s
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Introducing: Waffle Fry Wednesdays They are back for one day a week only! Get your waffle fries Wednesday all semester long!
SUN 1/23
$3 Strong Islands
Want $2 in QuadBucks to use towards any of our awesome deals? Yeah, you know you do... 1. Sign up at QuadDeals.com 2. Send your username to gimmemoney@quaddeals.com 3. Enjoy!
DOWNTOWN
KAM'S
The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3
Every Wednesday: School of Beer! Enroll Today
MON: Global Draft Night! $6 Pitchers (Bud, Miller & Coors Lt.) $2 Bacardi Single Mixers & Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Jim Beam & Pinnacle Doubles
THURS: SHACKER NIGHT with DJs Milk N Cookies $5 Shackers $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $3 SoCo Lime Shots $2 Bud Light Bottles
THURS: SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT
SPECIAL NIGHT
Every Wednesday: School of Beer! Enroll Today
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Jim Beam, Pinnacle Vodka Single Mixers, and Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Bacardi Doubles (all flavors)
Old Man Can Night $1 Old Man Beer Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Whiskey $2 Malibu Rum $2 Amaretto
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
WED 1/19
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Klub Kams DJ HAN! $2 Lite Bottles $2.50 UV & Bam $2.50 Trader Vics $2 Wine
Logo Glass Night $2 Refills
$2 Specialty Pints $6.50 Pitchers Killians/Honey Brown $2 Speciality Bottles, Capt. Morgan Singles, Dr. Shots (all flavors) $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles (all flavors)
SHACKER NIGHT with DJs Milk N Cookies $5 Shackers $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $3 SoCo Lime Shots $2 Bud Light Bottles
SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT
THURS 1/20
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
Grind Girls & $2 Grind Drinks! $2.50 Captain, $3 Smirnoff, $3 Cuervo Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles $6 Lite Pitchers
$2 Miller Lite Bottles $4 Neon 99s $2 Pickleback Shots No Cover
$2 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $7 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors Lt $4.50 Jim Beam & Bacardi Doubles (all flavors) $2.50 Burst Shots (all flavors)
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Bacardi
Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!
FRI 1/21
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
ABSOLUT ILLINI! Open at 9AM, IL vs. OSU 11AM $3 Absolut & BAM $3 Bloody Marys Biscuits & Gravy 9-11 Free Shuttle to the Game!
$2 Coors Light Bottles $4 Neon 99s $2 Pickleback Shots No Cover
$2 Pints Bud, Miller & Coors Lt $7 Pitchers Killians/Honey Brown $2.50 Dr. Shots (all flavors) $4.50 Skyy Vodka & Absolut Flavor Doubles
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey
Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More
SAT 1/22
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Any Draft
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles, Well mixers, and Burst Shots (all flavors) $6 Pitchers Budweiser, Bud, Miller and Coors Lt
Book your next Party or Event at the Red Lion Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000
WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)
SUN 1/23
$1.50 High Life Drafts!
1, 2, 3 NIGHT! $1 Wells and Drafts $2 Bottles and Energy Drinks $3 Pitchers
$2 All Bottles No Cover!
Global Draft Night! $6 Pitchers (Bud, Miller & Coors Lt.) $2 Bacardi Single Mixers & Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Jim Beam & Pinnacle Doubles
$1 U CALL IT'S (Wells & Domestic Drafts) $3 Bud Light Pitchers $1 Sauza Silver Tequila Shots DJ Marshmallow Live
BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)
MON 1/24
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)
BULL RIDING TONIGHT! $3.25 Double Beam Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts Blackhawks at 7:30 Come Ride the Bull!
Ride the Rail! $2 Draft Pints No Cover!
$1.25 PBR & High Life Pints $6 Pitchers Killians & Honey Brown $2 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Single Mixers and Dr. Shots (all flavors) $4 Captain Morgan Doubles
$2 Skyy Vodka $2 Wild Turkey $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Goose Island 312 Drafts
CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)
TUES 1/25
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
BUD BAR ROOM GIVEAWAYS Q96 LIVE! $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $2.50 UV Vodka & Bam $2.50 Bacardi Drinks
Every Wednesday: School of Beer! Enroll Today
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Jim Beam, Pinnacle Vodka Single Mixers, and Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Bacardi Doubles (all flavors)
Old Man Can Night $1 Old Man Beer Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Whiskey $2 Malibu Rum $2 Amaretto
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
WED 1/26
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (After 6pm)
BIG SPORTS WEEKEND! SAT: Open at 9AM, IL vs. OSU 11AM SUN: TAILGATE PARTY STARTS AT NOON, TONS OF PRIZES, BEARS AT 2PM!
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
BUD BAR ROOM Q96 LIVE! $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $2.50 UV Vodka & Bam $2.50 Bacardi Drinks
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells
BEARS VS PACKERS 2PM Tailgate Party Starts at Noon Win a Bears Fire Pit, Bears Ottman Cooler, NFL Coors Lt. Mini Fridge, Miller Lite Cooler $1 Bears Pint Glasses, $2 Lite Drafts
Enjoy Brats & Dogs, Free Popcorn, Peanuts & Chips and a Nacho Bar!
14
www.theblacksheeponline.com
So… All Your Friends Studied Abroad... Amanda Nieman wrote this
As the second half of the year rolls around, most people are thinking, “YES! It’s the first week back at school, time to freakin’ party it the heck up! I’m so pumped to see all my friends again; case races galore, drunk bitties everywhere, and virtually no homework. Winter break sucked big time. I didn’t know how many more nonsensical stories from my druncle I could handle. My friends from home are cool, but they’re all sluts, and I just want to be back with my mature college buds.” But then… you log onto Facebook and your newsfeed is flooded
with statuses such as, “Woo!! Off to Spain bitches! Peace out US of A!” Oh no, you totally forgot that an overwhelming majority of people on this campus studies abroad (insert “What broad?” joke here), including most of your close friends. Well, how in the world are you supposed to make new friends this semester? This isn’t freshman year anymore. You can’t just go knocking on random people’s expecting to find companionship.
wants a baby in the group. They’re fun to play with and look at, especially since it’ll be your responsibility, not your friends. Plus, everyone’s cautious around a pregnant girl. Your phone won’t stop ringing to be the DD for your new friends! You can easily avoid crowds at the bar and maybe even get you and your friends to cut the lines. Don’t worry, pregnant women at a bar is totally socially acceptable.
If that doesn’t really work out, then buck up and move on to plan B. No, not the morning after pill. Plan B of making friends (and I don’t mean abort your friends – just the opposite)! Actually, speaking of the morning after pill, don’t take it, because plan B is to get pregnant. Or get a girl pregnant if you’re a guy. Think about it, everyone
I know you might be overwhelmed by all of this. Stop crying and just go make some new friends. It will be way easier if you can accomplish at least one of my tactics, even better if you can do multiple. Don’t forget, your friends will be back next semester, way cooler and more well-rounded than you. On that note, have fun!
Although you may be lonely and mope around campus while your BFF is getting gang-banged by a group of purebred Italians on ecstasy, there’s still hope for you too. If you can’t handle the tedious task of getting drunk, you could just drug a bunch of people and make them hang out with you while they’re all sedated and shit. Simple as that. Hell, if you prefer your pals on the quiet side, you could even head to the cemetery and dig up a bunch of dead people to hang out with. Oh yeah, they might be kind of boring and have trouble, um, moving, but you can just control their arms and legs for them, like puppets! Even more fun!
What do you mean you can’t find someone willing to knock you up? Do you now how easy it is? You’re screwing up all over the place, but don’t worry, there are more options. Your next plan of attack is to pay for everything. Approach a group of people with a huge wad of money and buy them a round of drinks. You’ll soon be the coolest person ever. Heck, it doesn’t even have to involve alcohol. Sit at a random table at a restaurant and say, “Guys, guys, guys, I got this.” Lay down the credit card (please tell me it’s not attached to your i-card, nerd) and then ask if you can hang out with them tonight. If they’re creeped out, just follow them back to their apartment.
Send in your pics to pics@theboozenews.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH
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bartenders
WEEK
of the
Mary Joe's
Relationship status: Single and Ready to Mingle Major: Econ Favorite Drink to Make: The Gatorade Worst Thing You've Ever Done Intoxicated: Threw up in my general manager's back seat If you could have a super power: X-ray vision Best Hookup Spot: The Alma Mater's chair Weirdest Place You've Ever Woke Up: Outside the 6 pack If You Could Hookup With a Disney Character: Goofy because I like doogy-style Last Thing You Do Before Bed: Wouldn't You Like To Know New Year's Resolution: Pikes, Not Betas
clocks It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, right? Well this game is like happy hour, in that you happily consume alcohol. What You Need: A deck of cards, alcohol, friends Number of Players: Oh, two or more. Intoxication Level: Time will start to speed up, and you will get gradually louder.
How to Play: - With a full deck of cards, place 12 random cards face down in a circle like a clock, plus one in the middle. Deal out the rest of the cards evenly. - Each position of the clock is the corresponding time (the top card is twelve o’clock, the bottom is 6 o’clock, and the middle represents 13). - Begin by flipping the card at one o’clock. Any player with an ace (1) in hand can give the amount of drinks on the flipped over card to anyone playing, and anyone with the flipped over card can give out the amount of drinks of whatever time it is. - Example: At 8 o’clock a 7 is flipped. Anyone with an 8 can give out 7 drinks, and anyone with a 7 can give out 8 drinks. - When you give somebody drinks, you must give them the card you used, which they can use again after the turn. - Continue by flipping each consecutive card until you reach the middle card.
Firehaus
er: t s a s Di r o f e Bacon Dawgs! Recip Yup, you’re a dude. You scratch your balls in the morning and groan. You love meat, particularly bacon. You love…. dogs. And you are about to satisfy every bad stonercraving you’ve ever had into one stuffed cholesterol-infested, clear coating of processed deliciousness. What You’ll Need: Hot dogs, bacon, a deep sub bun / bread pocket, spicy chili, jalapenos, black olives, shredded cheese, sour cream, hot sauce, chives. Cook Time: 20 minutes Fatty Factor: Say goodbye to having a decent shit in the next three days. Let’s Get Baked: - Start by frying up the bacon. Make sure it doesn’t get too crispy. - Boil the hot dogs. - Warm up the chili on the stove-up or the microwave. If using a microwave, put a paper towel over the dish so you don’t fuck up the microwave your girlfriend worked so hard to clean. - Slice up the jalapenos, and get the toppings ready while you wait. - After the bacon and hot dogs are cooked, wrap a piece of bacon around the hot dog. Put the hot dog into the sub bun, and top with chili. Top with jalapenos, black olives, and shredded cheese. - Add a dollop of sour cream and a splash of hot sauce. Use chives for garnish, if desired.
Sexy Time
Sandwiches
Indian
Studying
Tail-Gate
Soups
Italian
drinking games
Chas
Hangover
The Game Ends When: You’re so drunk you don’t even care that the bar closed hours ago.
Relationship status: Single Major: Finance Nickname: Pussy Willow Favorite Hookup Spot: Manager's Office Weirdest Place You Ever Woke Up: Lambo's Bed Best Pickup Line: “Hi my name is Josh Martin.” First Thing You Do In The Morning: Kiss Lambo on the forehead. Favorite Drink to Make: Shirley Temple Craziest Thing You've Done Intoxicated: Snoop Dogg Karaoke with a 50-year-old man Semester Goal: Shotgun 4Loko and hookup with a girl at the same time If You Could Have a super power: Stamina New Year's Resolution: Stamina
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Review
17
THE
PAGE
BOOZE REVIEW
mixer center
Jack’s Tennessee Single Barrel Whiskey: B+ tion process of alcohol, so think about that when you use it to destroy your own brain. Jack Daniel’s puts its single barrels in the attic of the distillation house, where the temperature fluctuates, changing the booze while the caramelized charcoal interior of the barrel mingles with the sauce. And then they put it into charred white oak bottles. And then you pour a bunch of Coke into your glass while Jack Daniel convulses in his grave.
History I’m assuming Jack Daniel was a guy that had something to do with this brand of whiskey. The website doesn’t say much about him, besides claiming that he was a “legend” and going on to have pictures of his grave sprinkled throughout the site. Anyway, at some point he invented Tennessee whiskey, and No. 7 (another mystery) whiskey. Then, I can only assume that people working for the brand used all their riches to make more kinds of whiskey, as that’s how businesses in a capitalist system usually work.
Typical Drinkers Old men, rich men, manly men, Brian Scalabrine, college bros who claim they “appreciate the taste” of a fine whiskey, drunkards who see the fancy bottle on 1$ top shelf nights and say “That one!”
Science-y Stuff A lot of brainpower actually goes into the matura-
coke AStraight up A 7n7 B water B+ on top of apple pie V-
ˇ ˇ ˇˇ ˇ
First things first, this is expensive. Really good, but really expensive. Therefore, I recommend getting it for your father as a gift (using his money), then stealing it back a few days later, hiding it where you used to stash booze in high school, or just chug it. It comes in a quaint little bottle similar to Patron with a little cork plug at the top that, if you’re anything like The Black Sheep staff, you will use as a butt plug to soak up every last drop of that precious alcohol.
Overview Although this is really good, I cannot imagine any kid in their right mind dropping more than 20 Bonaduces on alcohol, no matter how much of a rich douchey prick they want people to see them as. However, I should add that you CAN order an entire barrel of this stuff, and doing so will ultimately get you laid by everyone.
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TOP 10
Things You Don’t Want to Hear Coming from Your Bathroom
10.
The Coach: This guy’s in your bathroom talking to his rear-end like it’s the quarterback in the last five seconds of the Superbowl. Get a cooler full of Gatorade ready for when this guy walks out of the bathroom; he’s gonna need a cool down after the sweat he’s worked up. What this will sound like: “Come onnnnnn. Give me a little more – stupid shit! Just get out there!”
9.
The Toots: I can only put it so nicely. Serious gas is the problem here. This culprit has been crop dusting the party since he walked in and has finally closed himself off in your bathroom to clear his system. No amount of Febreeze or scented candles will be able to cover up this fiasco. People will smell this for days to come and guess who the blame will fall on? What you’ll hear: “PFFFfffffff.”
8. For the Love of All Things Holy, Don’t Ever Leave!
chris wrote this
Nation, I would like to clear something up. I was not, contrary to popular belief, asked to leave the University after being found naked, bloodied, and gibbering like a chimpanzee in a ditch alongside I-74 with six empty Four Loko cans and a knapsack full of amphetamines and Fruit Stripe gum on New Year’s Day. I have, however, some bad news to share with you all. I address you, my friends, from the Great Beyond. No, dipshit, I’m not dead, although that’d be a neat trick. No, I committed the cardinal sin of college – I graduated… in less than four years!
a sadistic existence of job-hunting and clean, Brother-Jedapproved living? It could have been so easy: all I had to do was fail a class here or there, “accidentally” miss a deadline or forget to fulfill a requirement, or blame the University for not transferring my Study Abroad credits from last year. So why did I do it? Here’s the short answer: I haven’t got a fucking clue, or a long answer, for that matter.
“”
It’s a strange world I live in these days. I’ve moved home, reassumed my childhood bedroom and quit smoking cigarettes. I pass my days by reading – for pleasure! – like some sort of uppity, tweedwearing doctoral candidate. I’ve sent out nearly thirty resumes, and have now thrice in the past two weeks interviewed for jobs by spouting a veritable stream of malarkey about my educational background (I once ate a live goldfish on a dare. Does that count?) while donning a suit and tie.
See, friends, my formerly-awesome life is now devoid entirely of binges, benders, and sprees – all the things that make college great. Enjoy this blissful, boozy lifestyle while you can, for it won’t be long before you yourselves are lying on your parents’ couch watching “Fringe,” “Bones,” or *shudder* “The Mentalist.” It’s true, even television is worse away from Champaign! No longer am I lulled into dull-witted complacency by the pleasant jingle of a Credit Union One ad, or brought harshly back to reality by a large, angry gorilla-man snapping pieces of wood over his knee in commercials for This Is It Furniture (where you always get a free onion!) So, my loyal readers, I’m sure you’ll all lament my absence dearly, because I clearly had an astounding impact on your daily lives with my wry sense of humor and swarthy good looks. I hope that this message from the Great Beyond finds you, and finds you quickly: Don’t graduate! The Real World is a trap! Dick Cheney wants to poach your children and eat them with Miracle Whip! (Editor’s Note: What? Why did we ever hire this nutjob?)
"I eat three balanced meals a day, and none of them involve Ramen noodles."
It gets worse. I eat three balanced meals a day, and none of them include Ramen noodles. I sliced off my shaggy hair and got rid of my “unprofessional” beard. I went to bed at 10:30 last night. 10:30! On a Wednesday! In college, where you, my loyal readers, still luckily reside, I would have finished my second Power Hour right around that time, bled the weasel for a solid two-and-a-half minutes while priding myself on the potency and translucency of my Keystone-fueled stream, and stumbled merrily out the back door to drunkenly drawl “Friends in Low Places” at Geovanti’s karaoke night. You might be asking why the hell I did this “Graduating Early” thing in the first place. Why would I subject myself to such
Please know that although I fear for my own life in this stark, unforgiving tundra they call Reality, I’ll miss you almost as much as you’ll miss me. I trust that you will be fine in the long run, especially after you go back to masturbating to pictures of Katy Perry in an Elmo T-shirt. Let me know how that goes, by the way – I have a feeling I’ll need some good news.
The Hummer: I once told my dad I’m a shy pee-er, and he gave me this little piece of advice, “Just close your eyes, plug your ears, and hum to yourself.” Now, I’m all for looking like a lunatic, but this is a bit creepy. In fact, I imagine this is how pedophiles use the bathroom. I feel really bad for anyone who has invited my father to a party – the sleep they must have lost. What this will sound like: “(to the tune of ‘Ring Around the Rosey’) Hmmm-hm-hmm Huh-hummmhmm…”
7.
The Exorcist: May sound like a close relative to the coach but this guy’s got a demon to expel from his anus. Humility is not his strong point – calling out to every archangel imaginable to help rid him of his constipation, this bishop will stop at nothing to be freed of his bowels. What you’ll hear: “OH GOD help me! Mercy – mother of – get OUT!”
6.
The Waterfall: Nothing is more disturbing than hearing someone else endure explosive diarrhea. The runs are bad enough when you’ve got to sit through them, but listening to someone else relive their Taco Bell fiesta from earlier that afternoon can really induce the gag-reflex – almost as bad as hearing someone puke. What you’ll hear: It will sound like a really fart-y waterfall mixed in with some groans.
5.
The Quiet One: What the heck is this guy doing in there? Forget all the gross stuff, once you notice it, this will ruin you. It didn’t seem weird at first, but about ten minutes in, you start to wonder what is going on behind those locked doors. What’s he up to? He hasn’t made a peep since he went in. You think about asking if everything’s okay in there but decide it’s best that you don’t know. What you’ll hear: “…………”
4.
The Master: Bater that is. Seriously, man? Can’t wait till you get home to squeeze one out? He’s been invited to sleep over and somewhere around 3am figured it would be a good time to work on his shake weight form. Just disgusting. What you’ll hear: Lot’s of self-loathing and something that reminds you of playing with silly puddy.
3.
The Projectile Vomiter: I don’t know what this girl was drinking – tequila and jet fuel? – but she has lost the ability to puke at a normal capacity. Whatever is inside her needs to get out in the most violent way possible, so she goes Exorcism all over your bathroom. Incredibly, not one drop of her waste makes it into your giant toilet bowl. Her friends are so worried about her they decide to carry her home without saying a word to you about the state of your lavatory. What this will sound like: “BLAHHHHHHH-whuAAAA. … I don’t remember eating pizz-CHAHHHH. Why doesn’t this place got a toileBWAHHHH.”
2.
The Flooding: Who INVITES this guy? There’s always that one random person at a party who will never grasp the concept of an appropriate amount of toilet paper. After dropping a deuce or two he takes the entire roll of Charmin Ultra to wipe his pooper, assumes your toilet has some sort of magic vortex instead of standard plumbing, and flushes without a second thought. Then he casually walks out of your bathroom and back to the party feeling about two pounds lighter while your bathroom has turned into New Orleans – post Katrina. What you’ll hear: “*flush*… Huh, that’s some faulty plumbing. Gee, I sure hope no one lives downstairs. Hum-dee-dum-dum-I’ve-the-cleanestbum-bum.”
1.
The Moans: Sex is always great, right? WRONG. If you are in no way involved in the activity, most people would really rather not have it going on in their home. Why do people feel the need to do the deed in the bathroom during a busy party? Having a couple of kids getting all playful around your potty is just hard to stomach. What this will sound like: “Ohhhh yeah baby, put me on the sink! Feels good when the toothbrush scrubs down your back door, doesn’t it? You ready to go? Yeah just splooge it everywhere, this isn’t our bathroom!”
Carles Barkley wrote this Email me at: CKamp2@gmail.com
19
continued from cover story... beer, once you get your tolerance up and running you can bet that your beer fridge will once again hold dozens of cans of Beer 30 instead of six bottles of a classy microbrew. Have you ever wondered why your parents are seemingly immune to hangovers? It’s because they drink exotic, not-so-toxic booze out of glass bottles, and for some reason this doesn’t make you as sick. So shoot for the stars, be like your dad, and throw back a few whiskey on the rocks while watching 60 Minutes only to fall asleep 30 minutes in. You’ll have the tolerance of a weathered Irishman in no time. Pure Hell: You wake up with your face stuck in a puddle of drool, jeans around your ankles in an obvious, yet failed attempt to undress. Your mouth is dryer than a mid-July day in Tuscon, the smell of your perfume from last night induces a violent fit of dry heaving. It’s the first minutes of the worst hangover in the world that will really help you get back your champ drinking status.
Hangovers: I’ve had some so bad that I’ve made some unmentionable bargains with God himself, or worse, sworn off drinking forever. Most would probably consider losing all future drinking competitions and spending their life saving to get rid of the worst hangovers, but this step is crucial to gaining back your record shotgun time of 4.3 seconds. Without a hangover to beat all hangovers, you’d take your tolerance for granted and have no longing desire to get it back in the first place! As my preacher told me one late night in his moon-lit den, you have to go through hell to get to heaven. Do you know how many hours Michael Jordan spent in the gym before being great? A lot. Think of this hangover as the pain after a good workout, except instead of sore muscles your upchucking everything you put into your stomach. Your first hangover after getting back into the swing of things will be the ultimate form of motivation for you in getting your groove back. Spend a day or so wallowing in your pain, but take it as your opportunity to reclaim your undefeatable drinking capacity.
These things, while seemingly unpleasant, will be your saving graces in the quest for the Holy Grail: your coveted tolerance. Right now, the thought of a couple of beers may send your stomach reeling and give you a piercing pain in between your eyes, but all you really need is time, a little bit of extra cash, and a naked lap or two. Hope to see you all in full swing at MNJ’s, with tolerance in tow!
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20
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the movie page
Based on the Trailer
The Green Hornet dave saw this and gave it a...
Director:
Michel Gondry
The Dilemma
No Strings Attached Jan. 21st Starring: Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher, Cary Elwes What You Need to Know: Two attractive friends (Portman, Kutcher) make a decision to just bang all the time, you know, with no strings attached. But sure enough, one of them wants more than the other. Woe is me, ya know? What We Think: Natalie Portman sure is riding the “Black Swan” wave, but that’s okay with us. This movie looks pretty decent, especially whenever Mindy Kaling and Ludacris grace the screen. The plot is slightly obnoxious though; seriously, they are both hot and seemingly cool, why can’t they just love each other?
Rite
Starring:
Out Now
Starring: Vince Vaughn, Kevin James, Winona Ryder What You Need to Know: Two best friends (Vaughn and James) do best friend-y things with their perfect, cute girlfriends. James’ girl predictably cheats on him (sorry chubbies) and Vaughn catches that hoe in action. Ooh la la, wackiness ensues! What We Think: We think Kevin James looked severely Photoshopped in all of the ads for this film. Even besides judging a book by its cover, it looks pretty typical and overdone. “Couples Retreat” anyone? Okay, we didn’t see that, but over-35 couples just aren’t interesting or sexy.
Jan. 28th
Starring: Anthony Hopkins What You Need to Know: Apparently there’s a shitload of people needing exorcisms lately. Apparently the New York Times ran a piece saying that people are going crazy and blah blah blah. So a young man goes to Rome to relearn the ways of exorcisms by a creepy Anthony Hopkins. What We Think: Well, The Exorcist scared the shit out of us, mostly because of that nasty green pea soup stunt. This movie looks pretty scary though. I mean, Holy shit (see what I did there?), Anthony Hopkins is probably turning into the devil himself.
C
Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Cameron Diaz, Christoph Waltz
Synopsis:
The early “buzz” of this film was bad, and I agree, it kind of “stung”-k. Seth Rogen’s movies and characters are usually enjoyable because they contain enough realistic elements to keep the audience emotionally invested. Sure, he usually writes about and plays drunk, stoned losers, but he does it in a way that makes people want to see the losers overcome their problems and ultimately be a bit cooler. But in The Green Hornet Seth Rogen throws a curve ball by playing a rich, playboy superhero, probably the least loser-y type of person ever, yet he plays him the same way he would anyone else. This style of acting (although I may be giving Rogen more credit than he deserves for calling his acting a “style) isn’t good in a movie like The Green Hornet, as we’re supposed to believe that real things and people are in danger and not like the characters just feel “like whatever” about everything. The film concerns Britt Reid (Rogen) using his recently deceased father’s inheritance to take on L.A.’s crime. With the help of sidekick/mechanic Kato (Jay Chou), Reid masquerades as a criminal to infiltrate crime leaders and bring them down. Since he’s one of those superheroes with no real powers,
on DVD
Green Films!
he uses cool gadgets and cars to overtake people who could normally kick his ass. And since he’s one of those superheroes who likes only one specific woman but can’t tell her who he is, there’s one of those too in the form of a barely-used Cameron Diaz. The film is directed by Michel Gondry, the amazingly creative man behind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep, but besides using a few home-made looking gadgets, his direction is barely seen. Perhaps because the film was such a big budget deal, he wasn’t able to experiment with visuals so the film’s effects look like any other lousy 3D movie with explosions. It would also be easy to say that the highbudget, action-heavy scenes and pressure to make a profitable movie might have caused Rogen, Gondry, and crew to make a bad film since these tenants clash with the actor’s and director’s styles. Still, The Pineapple Express had just as much action as The Green Hornet has and- aside from being 30 minutes too long- is very funny and enjoyable. I think the problem with The Green Hornet is the film takes itself too seriously as a superhero film. Thus, the same clichés of any
superhero movie fill the screen much more than clever dialogue and plotting, and the film becomes just boring. There’s also the lack of chemistry between characters, specifically Rogen and sidekick Chou. You’d expect Rogen to be an expert at being a good buddy since he plays that role in every other film, but he just doesn’t seem as attached to Chou as he did with Sandler, Rudd, or Carell. Besides that problem, the film doesn’t even let Rogen bond with the woman Diaz plays, making his interest in her completely inconsequential to the film. And Christoph Waltz potential that was seen in his Oscar winning role in Inglorious Basterds isn’t used for awesomeness here. Still, the film isn’t completely a disaster as there are hints of when the writers (Rogen and partner Evan Goldberg) and director were actually trying to make a fun movie. The opening scene featuring a cameo with James Franco hits a high on the funny meter that film unfortunately can never top, and the few touches of imaginative directing from Gondry push otherwise bad scenes into being pretty OK.
answers are a few pages from here
January 18th Takers Stone Justified: The Complete First Season
January 25th Glee: Season 2, Volume 1 Webster Season 1 Guys Gone Wild AND Girls Gone Wild
The film Soylent Green takes place in what year?
Michael Clarke Duncan played the large, black inmate John Coffey in The Green Mile. Before that, he once held a job as a stripper. What was his stage name?
The Iraqi war film The Green Zone was shot primarily in what two countries?
What highly-famous actress played Ruth in Fried Green Tomato’s?
21
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The Black Sheep Interviews: Rob Swire of Pendulum
TBS: Your band’s sound is a blend between electronic music and rock music. Are the crowds at your shows more rockers or more ravers? Rob Swire: It’s a mix of both usually, depending on where we are playing at. The show is more of a punk show. You get people throwing each other around and breaking each others’ faces.
about touring; that it can pull you away from whatever you are doing in your normal life. I guess that can either be a good thing, you know, or it can be a bad thing if you’re trying to get an album together. TBS: So what do you like to do in your free time during your “normal” life? RS: Watch films, go out and run. It depends, we spend a lot of time doing music. TBS: All time favorite movies? RS: Requiem for a Dream and Black Swan. Both by Darren Aronofsky.
TBS: Awesome, TBS: I’m sure you’ve seen people getting whisked away to the hospital a bunch of times. RS: Yeah, and people tend to underestimate the amount of security personnel that are needed to get There are more than 26 milall of the broken kids out. lion porn sites
On a real pendulum, the big, heavy part is called a "bob"
TBS: Personally, who are some of your favorite bands? RS: There’s probably a lot of bands that people in the States wouldn’t know, but I’d say Queens of the Stone Age and Led Zeppelin.
TBS: You guys are playing in Chicago later this month with Linkin Park. What are you most looking forward to with the tour? RS: It’ll be interesting, we’ve never really been that small band that opens up for bands. But it’s definitely something different and hopefully we’ll be able to play for a lot of people we wouldn’t have otherwise been to able to play to.
?
TBS: What’s your favorite thing about touring? RS: I think my favorite thing about touring is probably the worst thing
thought before. TBS: Who are some of the interesting people you’ve met since you’ve been with the band? RS: Probably the most interesting person I’ve met is Strom Thorgenson, who designed all of the Pink Floyd album covers. Just the things that he says and the insight he has into certain things, he’s got a funny way of looking at things. Definitely the most interesting.
music
2
Madonna Like A Virgin
3
2 Live Crew Me So Horny
4
Portishead Glory Box
5
Queens of the Stone Age Never Say Never
6
David Bowie China Girl
7
Prince Do Me, Baby
8
INXS Need You Tonight
9
Jodeci Freek N You
10 R. Kelly Sex Me 11 LL Cool J Doin’ It 12 Nine Inch Nails Get Down Make Love 13 George Michael I Want Your Sex 14 Eazy-E College Girls Are Eazy 15 DiVinyls I Touch Myself 16 Three Six Mafia Slob On My Knob 17 Marvin Gaye Sexual Healing 18 Lil Wayne Lollipop
The King is Dead
TBS: So you’re from Australia, and it seems like a pretty tight place. Did you love living there and would you want to move back? RS: I don’t think I’d want to move back unless I was ready to retire. TBS: Do you hate Fosters beer just like everyone else? RS: No, we don’t really drink beer at all. TBS: So what’s your drink of choice? RS: Tequila. TBS: Well damn. Always a fun time with tequila. So the other night I got really drunk with my friends and ended up getting a piercing – RS: Oh, that’s not good. TBS: Well, it really is just fine. But what’s the funniest or the worst thing you’ve ever done when you’re all wasted? RS: The funniest thing, I’m not sure what that would be. But the worst thing I’ve ever done is I woke up one morning and had basically a quarter of my tooth chipped off. TBS: And you don’t remember it? RS: No, I have no idea. I went to the dentist the next morning, I had to get it fixed up right away.
A king might be dead, but these dudes are alive and kicking. I would love to use a single adjective to describe The Decemberists. Folky might work, but then there are extremes of upbeat pop. They have guitars and drums and also accordions and organs. They are from Portland, Oregon, but draw inspiration from communism, sometimes opening up shows with the Soviet national anthem. They proclaim their official drink as Orangina, and they say they met in a Turkish bath. Uhm, I think I’ll need some Adderall to process any of that. Juxtaposed ideals aside, The Decemberists music is and always has been formulated and performed well, without the hint of such randomness behind it. It seems like they’ve got it down pretty well, the whole performing and making music thing. They really understand their own personal genre and play it up perfectly, with each album becoming more and more refined. Their sixth studio album, The King is Dead is increasingly more mature and a bit more idyllic. Often times emotional, even their upbeat songs still have that hint of darkness thanks to Colin Meloys unique voice. It sounds more rustic, which is indubitably a direct correlation to the fact that they recorded most of the album in a barn on a farm near their hometown, probably while drinking Orangina and raving about how fantastic Karl Marx is. “Rox in the Box” is a fun rhythmic song and one of the catchiest on the album, sounding a lot like one of those Irish drinking songs or something. It’s their signature blend of upbeat folk without going over the top and without touching the border of terrible country music. Sure, there’s heavy banjo during the chorus, but
others
Gregg Allman – Low Country Blues Social Distortion – Hard Times... James Blunt – Some Kind of Trouble Tokio Hotel – Best of
ˇ
Death From Above 1979 Sexy Results
jessica wrote this
The Decemberists
End the Dry Streak! 1
TBS: Did you see The Social Network? RS: Yeah. I thought that if Mark Zuckerberg is actually like anything he’s depicted in that movie then me and him are probably quite similar, which is weird. But a lot of people saw that film and ended up hating him, but that film made me like him a lot more. TBS: Yeah, it seemed like all the reviews made him seem portrayed like a huge dick, but I thought in the film he was just doing what he had to do. RS: Yeah, I thought he was as much of a dick as I
DID YOU KNOW
TBS: Is there anything special that you do before you go on tour? RS: We just rehearse and get on the plane, basically. So we’re just rehearsing for the next couple of days and then we’re leaving.
those are both so good. What are your thoughts on Black Swan? RS: It was good. I think [Darren] can sum up, to some people, terrifying things in a way that not a lot of other directors can do.
ˇ
We got to sit down with lead singer Rob Swire of electronic rock band Pendulum. We chat about touring, tequila, and Mark Zucerkberg, but we were really only familiar with one of those things (take a wild guess!) The “A Thousand Suns” tour with Linkin Park starts on January 20th and they are hitting up the United Center in Chicago on January 26th.
B
Out Now
that’s sort of the charm of it and totally fits in. “This is Why We Fight” is a more unique track on the album that I totally dig. The last 45 seconds are a bizarre, barely audible strumming of guitar and whispering of lyrics that sort of mumbles off, very Wilco-esque circa “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” and totally awesome, with the perfect segue into the last song of the album. “Down by the Water” is the first single off of the album and for good reason; it features Peter Buck of R.E.M (who is on two other tracks as well) and alternative-country singer Gillian Welch. Loaded with harmonicas and accordion, it’s strong vocals and catchy chorus exemplify the tone of the album well. Although not my favorite on the album, I see the radio-worthy potential. The Decemeberists are definitely a band worth checking out, and for long time fans of the group The King is Dead is not a disappointment. Although nothing has yet to beat my favorite song by them, “Los Angeles, I’m Yours,” because I thoroughly enjoy the lyrics “But oh, the smell of burnt cocaine / the dolor and decay / it only makes me cranky.” Ahh, listening to that song while enjoying some ginger ale and a pleasant conversation about Eastern European geography and I am in heaven. Sounds Like: 2 cups folk, 1/2 cup pop. Download: Down by the Water, Rox in the Box, This is Why We Fight Listen to it When: You’re hanging out in a hipster barn.
Pearl Jam – Live on Ten Legs Jayhawls – Hollywood Town Hall White Lies – Ritual Brandon Heath – Leaving Eden
The Decision Tree: Will You Get Laid Tonight?
mon
Da Matt
Movie Quiz
Do you know how two of our favorite celebrities to dream about (not at the same time) are related? Figure it out, email us at 6degrees@theboozenews.com, and the first 10 win a prize!
Answers
6 Degrees of separation:
( class time )
1. 2022 2. Black Caesar 3. Spain and Morocco 4. Mary Louise Parker
ca Jessi
Biel
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