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“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
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Other stuff
Inside
Top Ten: Things To Do Before Your Professor Knows Your Name
04 The State of Sex We think it’s kinda by Georgia, or maybe it’s by Vermont
Nieman wrote this
09 Seducing Your Boss
If you don’t have sex with them, it’s not technically prostitution if they give you a raise
During the first few weeks of the semester, a lot of things are very obvious. When it's cold, you aren't going to go. When you realize your booty call from last semester is in three of your classes, you're going to rearrange that schedule all day. And best of all, your professors and TAs definitely have no idea what your name is yet. This is the greatest perk of all, since it lets you act like a complete fool for a few more weeks. Not sure how to take advantage of this amazing opportunity? No worries; read on and amuse yourself. 10. Fart Times have changed, and it seems to me that people have become, I don’t know, mature or something, and are afraid to fart in class. Maybe it was just my high school, but people used to let ‘em rip all the time. It was funny back then, because high school teachers expected it. Now your professor might scold you for interrupting class in such an unsanitary, sour-smelling fashion, so that’s why you should fart before you can get called out on it.
18 Girls Didn’t Go Too Wild That was…awesome? Alright? Okay? We don’t know...
9. Be drunk and/or high One of the worst parts about class is when your teacher calls your name to answer a question. You never know what to say, and especially if you’re drunk, it sounds like you’re talking with shit in your mouth. And if you’re high, God knows if you’ll even be able to open your mouth. Take advantage of the greater things in life, such as drugs and alcohol, so that you can tolerate class and not have to worry about the logistics... like answering questions.
8. Pretend you’re deaf Frantically glance around the room with a confused look on your face, and consistently copy your neighbors notes. Eventually just look down and start crying, and if you’re teacher asks what’s wrong… well obviously don’t answer. When he or she approaches you, try to say as incoherently as possible, “I’M DEAF…” and don’t forget to look sad. You probably won’t have to do much paying attention for the rest of class. BONUS if you know sign language. 7. Pretend you’re blind Unless you’re really good at not making eye contact, wear sunglasses. Maybe you can even ask to borrow someone’s dog to help guide you. Walk in nice and slow and sit somewhere stupid, like a random chair in the back of a lecture hall. And don’t even face the front. Your teacher probably won’t believe you, but at least try it before he knows who you really are.
6. Scream Now this isn’t necessarily about acting like you have Tourette’s Syndrome. That’s unoriginal. Sit in the back, incognito, and every time the professor tries to talk, interrupt with random screams. Keep it simple, but loud, like “WHAT!” or “HEY!” It’s the best way to make your professors look stupid, and to make them feel frustrated as hell. Man, I love doing that.
5. Give/get an “old fashion” It’s a handjob, and who doesn’t love handjobs? They’re simple and to the point, and the best part about them is that they’re messy. All the
CONTINUED ON PAGE 19...
In This Issue
05: The Big 12 10:
We finally get around to calling them out on their idiotic division names.
20: Movie Review
Was No Strings Attached as sucky as we expected it to be?
06: Joe’s Acid Guy That. Was. Awesome.
21: Interview
We talk to Israeli rockers Monotonix
07: I Saw the Sign
These new Zodiak signs are changing everyone's lives...
07: Welcome Transfer Students
Parkland kids, sorry, we don’t use crayons here.
16: Recipe for Disaster 22: Back Page
It may seem like a bad idea, but we think you'll thank us later...
Can you solve the riddle? We think not...
14: Girls Get Laid
And why gussying up is oh-so worth it.
Get all of Kam's specials on the Black Sheep iPhone and Android App!
10: Darren Aronofsky, You Bastard
Our version of The Black Swan was much better.
a big list of awesome stuff
It really makes you wonder what she'd do for $3...
HELL what the
PIC WEEK of the
Hold up a second, what’s this? It’s a QR code, silly. Scan this baby with a smartphone and you’ll be whisked away to a magical world of a picture we found on the internet. Send us a caption for the pic, and we’ll give the person who wrote the best one a prize. It’s not a dirty hobo alley handjob this time, we promise. Send it to QR@theblacksheeponline.com
Last Week's Winner:
I saw my grandma naked the other day and had to break up with my girlfriend. Turns out they had the same hairitage. -James C.
V O C A L P O I N T S
SEND IN YOUR PARTY PICS TO
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Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Poopera Definition: The act of singing while dropping a deuce. Sentence: “Samantha always denies taking a dump, but when she’s singing in the bathroom you know she’s having herself a poopera.” Crassy: Definition: Wearing clothes one deems stylish, but are, in fact, very stupid. Sentence: “Angelo’s so crassy he basically owns the entire Armani Exchange wardrobe.”
Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com
Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets
04
"Who do you blame for the Bears’ loss?"
OnSEX the State of Sex SEX SEX SEX SEX Xin He | xinbyrnc@gmail.com wrote this Nobody wants to be bad in the sack. We've got plenty of names for the men and women of our lives who couldn't measure up when it counted: Dead fish, Razor-teeth, The Mistake, Minute-Man, Smelly Vagina, Limp-Dick, Frosty the Frigid Bitch, Ex-boyfriend. Whether you want to believe it or not, there's a lot on the line during that first encounter for everyone, because as much as girls kiss and tell, so do guys. Nobody’s gonna care if you just got over a bad flu or if your twin brother died this morning. Bad sex is unforgivable, and people will talk about it. You people really need to start caring about your performance! Apathy is no longer acceptable.
When you cut out all the poetic descriptions of sex (written by women who've had sex with three guys and think their boyfriend is the greatest lover in the world), the real nature of sex becomes clear: Sex is a competition, even though you're not supposed to treat it like one.
So you might get my point by now: It's a big deal to be chosen as “the dude I want inside me” (for most girls). You think she's going to be all right when a guy decides to just phone it in? Guys, would you be okay with a girl who just decided, “Nah, I'll wash my vagina tomorrow”? The evolutionary pressures and consequences on the average woman pretty much forces her to be picky. If you don't live up to her expectations, you aren't going to be with her for much longer than you can manage to be inside her. Or she'll start feeling “too tired” to have sex with you. That's Woman for “I'm too sore, plus I'm not really sure if there's semen in my hair.”
"The only time she'll bring home a guy is when she's thinking, ‘Damn, this bro is probably hiding an ill amount of dick in those Hugo Boss briefs'"
In a more obvious sense, men compete with each other on a nightly basis for the few women who are both available and worth the trouble of trying to get into bed with. Sometimes alliances are formed between gentlemen, under the pretense that the wingman will reciprocate in the future. But even after the deal is sealed, the guy isn't off the hook yet. God help him if he thinks he is, because if anything, the hard part has just begun. A woman who allows herself to be seduced is making a risky investment. She increases her “number”, which makes her more susceptible to being called a “skank” by both boys and girls. She's at a higher risk of getting pretty much every disease other than penis cancer simply for being a female. She makes herself vulnerable to violence and rape, and there's always a chance that she could get pregnant. The only time she'll bring home a guy is when
Craig “Kurj-Surge” Kurjanski
she's thinking, “Damn, this bro is probably hiding an ill amount of dick in those Hugo Boss briefs. Fuck my hymen, finding out what he's like in bed is worth the risk and the decrease in value of my body in Muslim countries” (you can tell I know a lot about girls by how accurate this internal dialogue is).
“”
Everybody wants to be the best in the sack. Who's got the highest GPA, who drives the fastest car, who can drink the more beer – nobody interesting cares about things like this. But imagine if your boyfriend or girlfriend told you their ex- was better in between the sheets? Ouch. There aren't a lot of things that hurt worse. Getting fisted by Shaquille O' Neal. Maybe.
"They bowed out because they were scared the might have to play the Steelers."
The sex game is brutal. It's more unforgiving than any sport you've ever played. There are no rules, there are no weight classes, and nobody cares that you were just born ugly, or that your parents told you that the only thing inside a guy's pants was eternal damnation. You play with the hand you're dealt, and how you stack up compared to everyone else he or she has had sex with is the only thing that counts. Don't think I'm a cynic either; imagine how much better life would be if everyone took sex just a bit more seriously and brought their A-game every single time.
It's not hard, people. Guys, it's called the internet – Did you know the female orgasm has its own Wikipedia page? And if you can find quarters for laundry, you can find a goddamn G-spot. Ladies, keep it shaved unless you know he likes it nice and gamey. And unless you can kiss him while you're taking it from behind, you need to work on arching your back. And for both sexes- Do you know what a kegel is? You should. Just some small steps to a world we can all look forward to. A world where girls stop regretting one night stands and guys spend more time with their heads between a pair of thighs than they do between a TV screen and a couch.
"I only watch the Canadian Football League."
Alex Fleshman
"The sand in Cutler's vagina."
Big Gay Mike
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WTF, B1G TEN?
05
Fratastasia wrote this For those of you mellow kiddos who live in the depths of Urbana and care nothing about sports, you will be surprised to know that over winter break the Big Ten made the decision to divide our twelve teams into two conferences that sound like skanky nicknames I’d give my guy after a roll in the hay: Legend and Leader. The Illini will be joining Wisconsin, Indiana, Ohio State, Purdue, and Penn State in the Leaders division while Michigan, Michigan State, Northwestern, Minnesota, Iowa, and Nebraska will be in the Legends division.
Legends or Leaders? Does it really matter anyways? I mean everyone in the Big Ten lost their bowl games except for us (and Iowa I guess, but who cares it’s not like they blew Mizzou off the field or anything). For instance, let’s look back on that Michigan State game where we watched East Lansing High School get mercilessly pounded by Alabama. How can we call schools like that a “Legend” when they give the SEC every reason to ROTFL about our conference? But maybe I’m being too harsh on my fellow conference comrades. The Big Ten commissioners claim to have chosen the names to not make us sound like mega douchebags, but to simply honor the schools who have created athletic legends and the schools that are still trying to create athletic legends… Wait, what? Trying? Well that seems a little judgmental now
I wonder what other divisional titles the Big Ten head honchos had brewing in their totally coked-out brains when they decided on Legends and Leaders? They couldn’t just stick to something simple like “East and West”? “Shirts and Skins”? “Dumb and Dumber”? Legends and Leaders just make us sound like complete tools; and it’s not like any of the other conferences think we’re that stellar after a horrendous bowl season. I feel that there is a better way to distinguish our differences without looking pretentious. After some deep thought, I’ve come up with my own division names that I feel the Big Ten commissioners should seriously consider:
The Corn Division: Illinois, Northwestern, Iowa, Nebraska, Indiana, and Purdue.
The Auto-Industrial Wasteland Division: Michigan, Michigan State, Penn State, Ohio State, Minnesota, Wisconsin. **(and I only include Wisconsin in this division because it should instead be classified in the “Wasted” division, but because Madison is so old I guess they can kind of relate to being industrially wasted as well).
day is
a tues
tequil
doesn’t it? And it also doesn’t seem quite fair that Nebraska gets to be with the Legends since they haven’t even spent a full year as a Big Ten member yet. No one even likes them!
nce!
he da
at t back
Because when it comes down to it, that’s what really makes up the Big Ten: good ole’ Midwest agriculture and a failing economy. We can’t hide under big fancy titles like “Legends and Leaders” because in all honesty, who cares? Some bigwig commissioners that want to be taken seriously among a nation of hotshot football teams? While I’d like to blame Nebraska for coming along and screwing everything up as usual, we all have none other to blame than those Big Ten bossmen that are sitting at the top of the food chain laughing down at us as we remain the joke of the NCAA. Seriously, WTF Big Ten?
06
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Dear Joe’s Acid Trip Guy: You’re Awesome John wrote this January 18th, 2011 was a day marked by two major stories. Number one: classes resumed, plunging students all over campus into a depression-induced drinking binge. And number two: one of those students brought an AK-47 to Joe’s and held the entire place hostage in a dramatic 12 hour stand-off before being gunned down by a rookie cop with something to prove. The story has since been picked up by 20th Century Fox and will be in theaters in 2013. That’s not actually what happened, but you would think it was if you happened to walk by Joe’s late that Tuesday night. The bar was swarmed with what must have been every police officer that U of I can afford, as twelve cop cars piled out front, including a University Police S.U.V. that I had never seen before and I’m pretty sure they bought for the occasion. If the situation had escalated I have no doubt the University Police Academy would be giving some poor sap a crash course in flying Apache helicopters. If you haven’t already heard, the situation I’m referring to was when a guy, motivated by several hits of acid, journeyed to Joe’s and “tweaked the fuck out” according to the door guy I talked to. This particular tweak-out led to the small army of police shutting down half of Joe’s in order to quarantine the guy and safely arrest him. After hearing about this story we have only one thing to say to this man, wherever he is. And that is this: “well done, mate.” It’s no secret that we Black Sheepers take a serious amount of pride in our ability to party, but we couldn’t hold a candle to what this
S D N s E G LE sent Pre
man accomplished. Because of this, it seemed only fair that he receive an article honoring his achievements. Where to begin? There are so many things about his night that I’m impressed by, so it’s hard to pick a starting point. First of all, the decision to even leave your house after taking multiple hits of acid is commendable, but to make your destination the Joe’s dance floor is borderline retarded. Of all the places to go he chose a dark, foggy room with loud music and strobe lights. That’s like looking death in the face then telling it you slept with his mother on Christmas. Once the tweeker got there he must have realized what a bad decision that was and proceeded to start throwing elbows, probably to fight off the evil, flying shark-goblins that were attacking his brain. The BEST part is when he cornered himself upstairs and started yelling about Jesus. Because if there’s any time to accept your Christ as your lord and savior it’s while curled in the fetal position dodging flash grenades that the Champaign National Guard lobs at you. For legal reasons I need to clarify that I don’t actually know everything that happened. I’m basing my entire account of the event on a 45 second conversation I had with a Joe’s employee guarding the entrance to the dance floor. For all I know the guy was just drunk and the police had nothing better to do, but considering the twelve cop cars (by comparison, the O.J. Simpson car chase had fourteen) I’d like to believe that not only was he on five hits
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of acid, he was also naked and swinging a flail around. So, Joe’s Acid Guy, thanks for making that night interesting for me. And if you’re out there reading this, send us an email. Tell us the real story! We’ll buy you a beer…if your parole officer allows it.
07
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Welcome to Hell, Transfer Students
I Saw the Sign, It Opened Up My Eyes
John Mc”honey”Combs wrote this Transferring schools is a big moment in anyone’s life. Similar to the first time you kill a man; you’re nervous, hopeful, and know there is no turning back. For whatever reason of your transfer: you want to go someplace new, you want to study a better program, or you’re just a huge slut at your old school and everyone knows it - you’re saying farewell to the familiar and trying to start again in a new environment. However, everything won’t be leprechaun’s gold and unicorn farts here. You’ll be entering an environment where everybody has already established their friends, and even though you have the credits of a sophomore you’ll be like a wide-eyed freshman all over again. The University of Illinois can be a very harsh environment, and if you’re not careful it will chew you up and vomit you out, just like Nicole Richie after a buttery feast at Red Lobster.
“”
Community college students: Well, you’ve finally made it. You finally transferred from that broken down community college to the state’s flagship university. No longer will you have to sit in class with single mothers, parolees and the backbone of the fast food industry. You’re like a real person now. Soon after arriving, however, you’ll notice that all that money you saved up to come here is chump change to most of the population of the university. While you worked the midnight shift at Toys R’ Us just so you could afford your text books Sally Sorority’s parents are paying for everything, including that new tramp stamp she’s going to get next semester. So while you have to work as delivery for Insomnia Cookies 6 out of 7 nights of the week, you’ll be delivering for her and her drunk, screaming friends after they get back from Cly’s at 2 AM. Don’t worry; I’m sure there is some lesson here about hard work and the American dream and how everyone gets what they deserve. If not then I guess you should have just tried harder to be born into a family with money.
“I guess you should have just tried harder to be born into a family with money.”
Out of state students: Congratulations on coming to a school based entirely on an academic decision. I’m sure the drive into Champaign was filled with sightseeing; I mean you saw corn and soybeans! You are aware we have a sister school in Chicago right? Yeah that Chicago. Of all the Universities in America you decided to come to the biggest one in the middle of nowhere. It’s even better if you’re from one of the coasts. You can tell everyone what mountains are like! You have come to the land where an overpass is considered high ground. A hill to you is a mountain to here and a mountain to you is a god incarnate to us. International Students: Ah America, I’ve heard so much about it and-holy shit it’s cold! Is this even possible? How do people fucking live here? What, we’ve got three more months of this? Ok, well I guess the hard work of Americans has overcome something as menial as the cold. Wait, why does my roommate sleep so much and go to classes still drunk? Surely he must be the exception. Dammit, I can’t study on a Friday night with so much yelling going on outside. How do these people ever expect to make the most of their education if they spend their nights at bars? This is supposed to be the greatest country in the world and all they do is party! What’s Four Loko? It’s the official drink of America? Eh, I guess I’ll have a couple.
Alan Smithee wrote this Natalie’s hands were sweating. They started when her boyfriend Jeff picked her up for their “special” date earlier in the night, and they had continued sweating all the way to the restaurant where they now ate. She was extremely nervous, for Natalie was sure tonight would be the night when Jeff would finally propose. For the last few months Natalie’s and Jeff’s talks of marriage had gone from casual to more serious. Earlier if a friend had asked when the two would be “tying the knot” they would simply laugh and say “who knows” or “eventually”. Now when the question was asked Natalie would seriously consider it. Natalie wanted to spend her life with Jeff, and she had communicated to him that it was simply a matter of him asking her. But even though Natalie knew her answer to a proposal, should Jeff give it, she still felt an uncertainty in whether Jeff really felt about her in the same way. Still, to Natalie, tonight seemed like the night. Jeff had taken her to a fancy restaurant and had told her that he had something important to tell her. Finally, after they had eaten and were preparing to leave, Jeff turned to Natalie with an expression that displayed sincerity. “Natalie, I have something to say to you” Jeff said as he looked into her eyes. “We, um, we need to break up.” Natalie sat there, stunned. Had she heard him right? Had her boyfriend just ended what she had always thought was her most perfect relationship? “But… what? Why? Seriously?” All Natalie could do was ask one-word questions. “Yeah, I know, it probably doesn’t make sense,” Jeff said. “But something has happened recently that has made me want this, need this.” The sweat emanating from Natalie’s hands was the least of her problems. Now she was trying to stop the tears from coming out of her eyes, and the only way to do this was to sit there in silence as Jeff talked. “You see, I know we’ve always told each other everything, but I kind of have a secret,” Jeff said. This is it, Natalie thought. He is going to say he’s been cheating on me. That son of a bitch. I knew it, I knew it! How was I so stupid? “Natalie, I devoutly follow astrology,” Jeff declared with relief. Natalie blinked. For the second time in the last minute, she wondered if she had heard Jeff right. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Natalie asked. “Well, you see, there was just a report on the news last week. The Earth’s alignment shifted and everyone’s Zodiac sign changed. The man you once knew as a Libra is now a Virgo. And you, once a consistent Sagittarius, are now an Ophiuchus, the new sign they added,” Jeff explained. “Clearly you see the problem.” “Jeff, I still have no idea why this means you’re breaking up with me,” Natalie said. “Ahh, I guess I shouldn’t expect you to understand. As a new Ophiuchus one would assume you’d be slower considering no one in the Astrology world knows what an Ophiuchus is,” Jeff said. “But you may still remember the time when you were a Sagittarius and we had first met. I was instantly drawn to you. You seemed free-spir-
ited, adventurous and you had a natural exuberance, all the traits of a Sagittarius. You looked gorgeous that night we met; your fire element was shining brightly. And as luck would have it, I was a Libra with an air element. My element fed yours and together we grew. But now I am a Virgo. I’m fussy and narrow-minded. And to top it all off, I’m an earth element! Fire burns earth, Natalie! Burns!” “You have to be joking,” Natalie said. “I wish I could say more. But as a Virgo now I’m very indecisive and hard to communicate with. If only I was still a Libra, a well-versed, knowledgeable Libra! How I long for those days, Natalie. Then perhaps I could tell you why we were parting ways in a more eloquent way,” Jeff said. “All I know is that as a Virgo, I should be really looking for a strong Zodiac like a Taurus.” “Jeff, seriously, you’re throwing away our relationship because of the Zodiac signs?!” Natalie’s sadness had now turned to anger. “Why the fuck did you take me to this nice restaurant then!?” “Natalie, please, don’t be so loud. I’d expect this out of a Cancer or perhaps a Gemini, but not an Ophiuchus. Obviously we went here today because of what my horoscope said.” Jeff reached into his pocket and took out a clipped out section of the newspaper. He began to read what was on the page. “’Saturday, January 29th, Virgo: Today is a 7. You've been saving up for a special treat, and today's the day. You know where to get it, so enjoy the process. Don't worry about what others might think,’” Jeff said. “So clearly, I had to go to this restaurant. I just love the food here!” Natalie didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t believe she had never realized Jeff was such a strong follower of Astrology. Of course now his eccentric behavior made sense. One day he’d be finishing tasks with swiftness and be taking chances as they were presented, the next he’d be living life less wildly and developing new hobbies, though it was odd that he yearned to join the Boy Scouts in his twenties. What she once thought was cute and original was just Jeff following the advice of a throwaway page in the local newspaper. “Just leave, Jeff. I’ll walk home,” Natalie said. “You want me to read you your horoscope? It might cheer you up,” Jeff asked and then began reading. “Ophiuchus: Today is a 10! Oh, that’s exciting!” “Just get out of here, Jeff,” Natalie said. “But it says, ‘Today a hurdle recently-crossed will provide a new opportunity.’ Wow! Things are looking up already! See, there’s nothing to be mad about! “I said please leave, Jeff,” she was very stern now. “Ah, that’s just your fire element acting out, Natalie! I told you we weren’t right for each other anymore! Welp, see ya around!” As Natalie watched Jeff walk out of the restaurant she couldn’t help but remember how when they first met she thought he was just being ironic when he had asked her “her sign”. It turns out he was not only dumb but terrible at pick-up lines. Even after an evening of such unexpected sadness, she found this thought made her smile just a bit.
Screw the Piggy. Get the Deal.
This Week: $5 for TWO Tickets to TRON: Legacy at The Art Theater!
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ENDS FRIDAY!
Campus Life for Less
09
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Buttering Up Your Boss Carles Barkley wrote this It’s January of 2011, this means you have no money. Why? Christmas wiped you out and your old boss from home wouldn’t let you come back to work for a mere three weeks. So you’re back at school and your crappy part-time job in the caf, and really need a raise to cover the excessive binge drinking you need to do in order to make up for your serious lack of drinking at home. Best way to coax a raise out of the ole’ slave driver without actually doing anything? These three things:
best gifts to give are the gifts you already have laying around. Remember that weird cat trinket your mom put in your stocking? Bosses love stupid little crap like that. Example: “Quinn! I’m so glad I caught you, I heard how much you like Ferraris so I got you this. (Give him the pine tree “New Car” air freshener you have in your car) I know for a fact Ferraris always smell good, so I thought you’d like it.” He’ll be so excited he might poop his pants. What I did there was lead him to believe I was about to give him something awesome, so subconsciously he’s already decided he likes me more before I get to tell him my gift is actually garbage it’s sort of like sex.
“”
1. Compliments: You’d be surprised how far a little compliment will take you. Notice how the kissass always seems to climb the corporate ladder so much faster? And who cares if you really hate your boss and can’t think of anything attractive about him? Shmoozing has never been so easy. Example: “My goodness, Brendan, your bald head looks especially shiny today. Are you using a new wax? Just waxtastic! … You say that shine is au-natural? Well I say it’s aumazing!” Just try to think of something he finds special about himself and use that as your compliment focal point.
“Wear an utility belt to keep things accessible.”
2. Gifts: But, Carles, I haven’t got any money! Calm down, petulant reader. You won’t be spending anything. I find that the
3. Carry Around the Right Stuff: Make yourself indispensable. Keep random things that people always seem to need on you at all times. Maybe even wear a utility belt to keep things accessible. Things to keep on your utility belt: scissors, tiny stapler, paper clips, scotch tape, scotch, nail clippers/nail file, condoms and tampons (if your boss is female). Better yet, learn your boss’ period cycle and then when she’s on the rag sneak into her office and steal all her tampons. That way when she goes to the bathroom you’re right there to save her from a nasty UTI. Example: “Quinnberly, I see you look a bit distressed.
Do you need a tampon? You know if you don’t change yours every time you use the washroom it could lead to a UTI, and I hear those are nasty. … How do I know so much about vaginal care if I’m a guy you ask? Well, you’re my boss and it’s important for me to know these things in case you ever need help.” You’ve instantly put yourself on the top of her list of people she won’t be forgetting any time soon.
And that’s it, folks. Several simple tips that are guaranteed to get you a little pay raise. And if all that fails you can always just sleep with your boss, video tape it, and use said tape as black mail to get anything you want. Better yet – convince them to sleep with a minor and tape that (Editor’s note: you put camera’s in your sister’s bedroom?). That statutory tape will be footing your tab at the bars for years to come.
10
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SHOUT OUTS! Shout out to Michelle B. for puking all over my room and leaving at 7am without cleaning anything up or even sending me a "sorry" text... it's taken me 5 days and $100 in professional labor to rid my room of the smell. learn manners, -R
I Wrote The Original Version of Black Swan! By Benny Boy wrote this When director Darren Aronofsky contacted me saying that he was interested in the screenplay I was writing, I was overwhelmed with joy. However, when the film finally came out, I was horrified by how much he rewrote and desecrated my script. The film was finally released, and was called Black Swan, I’m sure some of you may have seen it. However, the title I originally intended for my film was Black Clogs: A Lesbian Clogging Odyssey. I have been writing screenplays for years now. Some of my works include Clogged Arteries: The Quest For Maggie Valley, which tells the story of an overweight clog dancer competing in the Maggie Valley Clogging Competition, Bloody Clogs, which is a horror/porn about a man who kills people/has sex with people wearing clogs, and Clogged Pipes, which was an instructional video used to train prospective plumbers. However, my magnum opus and crown jewel was Black Clogs: A Lesbian Clogging Odyssey. Written over a period of sixteen years, Black Clogs became an obsession of mine and a project which consumed my every waking moment.
The story of Black Clogs begins in 18th century Appalachia. A young clogger named Natalie Portman is chosen to dance the lead role in the famous clog dance Clog Lake. However, she eventually finds herself lost in a whirlwind of sex, moonshine and wooden shoes. Natalie begins her schizophrenic downfall when she is violently and explicitly seduced by the dance’s director. Played by me. Natalie further progresses through the downward spiral when she meets and begins having shocking and erotic sex with her dance competitor, Mila Kunis. Eventually she gets so lost in confusion that she strips naked, masturbates, and dances herself off of a burning building and into a wood chipper. Black Clogs: A Lesbian Clogging Odyssey was the greatest achievement of my career, and I wanted to make sure that it was in good hands. After declining offers from several directors such as Quentin Tarantino and Martin Scorsese, I got an email from Darren Aronofsky saying that he was interested in directing my film. I skimmed through his past film, Requiem For A Dream, and from what I could understand it was about two young men who sell heroin, probably to pay for clogging shoes, an old woman who starts taking diet pills, probably to lose wait for clogging, and a girl who has no choice but to become a prostitute, because that’s just sexy. Needless to say I liked his style and sold him the
rights to my screenplay. I had no idea how much he would ruin my masterpiece. When it comes to the plot of Black Swan, my original script is almost unrecognizable. First of all, Black Swan has NOTHING to do with clogging! Why would somebody who spent all his past years making clogging movies suddenly decide to change the dance to ballet? Also, he decided to completely change the ending. Doesn’t he understand that the film makes no sense without the wood chipper ending? It is the only logical conclusion! Not only did Aronofsky change the title and plot, but he also refused to credit me for writing the screenplay. Instead of my name he put Mark Hymen, wait no, Mark Heyman. What a slap to the face! The one thing that I did like about Black Swan was the giant lesbian sex scene between Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman. However, my original version of this scene was much better.
Scene Begins: Mila and Natalie walk in and are soaking wet for some reason. Natalie: Hey why don’t we get out of these wet clothes? Mila: Ok!
Natalie and Mila then begin to make out and touch each other’s boobs. They both take their tops off and the camera zooms in on both of their boobs (It should be remembered that they are both still very wet.) The camera zooms out and they have taken off their pants and are now having shocking primal sex with each other. After about fifteen minutes of this I walk in and have sex with Natalie, and then Mila, and then Natalie again for the grand finally where I touch both of their boobs for twenty minutes each.
To the drunk girl in 201 who woke me up at 3 AM to dance in your living room when I was in nothing but gym shorts and wouldn't let me leave. Thank you for providing me with one of the most entertaining stories ever. Sincerely, half naked guy in 202 DJTJ- I can't wait for you to blast your dirty beats at our upcoming Toga event and see how many panties we have to pick up off the floor the next morning. I also enjoyed having the TJ special all up in my mouth last week. Love, Fink. PS- *Somet Dear Illini Hockey team, Thank you for throughly embarrassing me in front of my my Iowa State girlfriend. Losing 6-0 to a Big 12 school? I'll never live this down. We still love you. M-Kat12: You know how I know you still love me? You let me keep the tape. Thanks - Bre Danny Boy, how did that snowball taste? You like it? White Ho...I've missed you so much... Blonde chick in Theta sweats in Accy 201...get any closer, and I'm gonna smack dat booty. -Red hat
Scene Ends. It should also be noted that while Black Swan has roughly 4-5 minutes of explicit sex scenes, Black Clogs is roughly 90% erotic lesbian sex.
While it isn’t easy for me to accept what has happened, I must move on. The world simply wasn’t ready for Black Clogs: A Lesbian Clogging Odyssey. And besides, I have many more ideas up my sleeves. Hint: Watch out for my new show So You Think You Can Clog? which will air in 2012 on the Playboy Channel!
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TUES: WINE NIGHT with DJs Milk N Cookies $8 Bottles of Champagne & Wine $3 Svedka Martini's (Cosmo & Appletini's) $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 Grind Shots & Grind Girls 11pm
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BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
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THuRSTY THuRSDAY Rotating DJ Schedule $4 Select Sobieski Vodka Martinis! $3.50 Bells Oberon Pints $3 Red Stripe/Red Stripe Light
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Illinois vs Indiana 8pm $3.99 DblChburger & FF 4-9pm $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Whiskey $3 Boddington Pub Cans $2 Amaretto's Jameson Promo 11pm
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FRI 1/28
DJ Ian Procell & DJ REFLEX 10PM (house)
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T-N-T! Tuesday Night Trivia 7PM Liquid Courage Karaoke 9:30 $4 SVEDKA MARTINIS! $1.50 MILLER HL BTLS
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THE PIANO MAN Performing all your favorites! Come out and sing along! $3 Real Long Island Iced Teas! NO COVER!
WINE NIGHT with DJs Milk N Cookies $8 Bottles of Champagne & Wine $3 Svedka Martini's (Cosmo & Appletini's) $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 Grind Shots & Grind Girls 11pm
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Logo Glass Night $3 Glass $2 Refills
WED 2/02
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Keystone Light taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic, $2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors)
WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAYS! Mug Night! DJ support from ChaliceDubs.com $5 Mugs for Purchase, $3 Drink Special refills! $1 Cover!
$2 Stella Artois Bottles $2 Malibu Rum $2 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Jim Beam Whiskey Jim Beam Promo 11pm
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WED 1/26
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$2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Double Rum Wells LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
Thirsty Thursday $4 ICB’s $3.50 Pitchers of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Domestic and Import Bottles $3 Dr’s, $4 Strong Islands
FRI 1/28
$4 Double Red Bull Vodkas $2.50 Amaretto Stone Sours $3 Strong Islands LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2.50 Captain and Coke $2.50 Dr’s $3 Vodka/ RB $4 Signature Drinks
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FRIDAY: DJ DELAYNEY House, Hip-Hop, R&B, Reggae, and Old School Dance
35 E. Green Street
WAFFLES FRIES ARE BACK! ONLY ON WEDNESDAYS! TRY THE NEW 20oz G-Bomb!
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Tired of Boring Trivia ?'s Manswers Style Trivia Starting Today!
MON 1/31
$5 Pitchers 50¢ Pizza Slices
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$2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts
80's NIGHT! $1.50 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Wells NO COVER
1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 RBV's $1 Frozen Margaritas MNJ
TUES 2/01
Wing Night! (8pm-midnight) $.50 Jumbo Chicken Wings $1.00 Chicken Strips 3 for $1 Jumbo Popcorn Chicken $2 Coronas
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Tequila Tuesday is Back! $1 Tequila shots $1 Jello Shots The 8th Grade Dance
WED 2/02
Karaoke Bomb Night! $2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 ICB’s
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
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Waffle Fry Wednesdays They are back for one day a week only! Get your waffle fries Wednesday all semester long!
$3 Strong Islands
SUN 1/30
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MON: Global Draft Night! $6 Pitchers (Bud, Miller & Coors Lt.) $2 Bacardi Single Mixers & Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Jim Beam & Pinnacle Doubles
Heaven & Hell Tour featuring Hoodie Allen Live at The Red Lion Friday, Feb 11th Tickets on sale now www.RedLionChampaign.com
THURS: SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT
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Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Jim Beam, Pinnacle Vodka Single Mixers, and Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Bacardi Doubles (all flavors)
Live Music Night $1 Old Man Beer Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Whiskey $2 Malibu Rum $2 Amaretto Wild Turkey Promo 11pm
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
WED 1/26
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Klub Kams DJ HAN! $2 Lite Bottles, $2 Wine $2.50 UV & Bam $2.50 Trader Vics ILL vs. IND 8PM
Logo Glass Night $2 Refills
$2 Specialty Pints $6.50 Pitchers Killians/Honey Brown $2 Speciality Bottles, Capt. Morgan Singles, Dr. Shots (all flavors) $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles (all flavors)
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SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT
THURS 1/27
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
Come See Miller High Life's Windell from 10-12PM! $1.75 Miller High Life Bottles
$2 Miller Lite Bottles $4 Neon 99s $2 Pickleback Shots No Cover
$2 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $7 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors Lt $4.50 Jim Beam & Bacardi Doubles (all flavors) $2.50 Burst Shots (all flavors)
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Bacardi Bacardi Girls 11pm
Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!
FRI 1/28
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
Rascal Flats Party 5-7 Win Tix to the Concert $2 Beam & Stag Drinks $1 Lite Bottles, $6 Pitchers Free Shuttle to the Concert Win Kid Rock Tickets!
$2 Coors Light Bottles $4 Neon 99s $2 Pickleback Shots No Cover
$2 Pints Bud, Miller & Coors Lt $7 Pitchers Killians/Honey Brown $2.50 Dr. Shots (all flavors) $4.50 Skyy Vodka & Absolut Flavor Doubles
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey Absolut Vodka Promo 11pm
Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More
SAT 1/29
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells
$1.50 U CALL IT Drafts, Bottles, Wells, Calls
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Any Draft
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles, Well mixers, and Burst Shots (all flavors) $6 Pitchers Budweiser, Bud, Miller and Coors Lt
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WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)
SUN 1/30
$1.50 High Life Drafts!
1, 2, 3 NIGHT! $1 Wells and Drafts $2 Bottles and Energy Drinks $3 Pitchers
$2 All Bottles No Cover!
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MON 1/31
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$1.25 PBR & High Life Pints $6 Pitchers Killians & Honey Brown $2 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Single Mixers and Dr. Shots (all flavors) $4 Captain Morgan Doubles
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CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)
TUES 2/01
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
BUD BAR ROOM GIVEAWAYS $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $2.50 UV Vodka & Bam $2.50 Bacardi Drinks
Every Wednesday: School of Beer! Enroll Today
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Jim Beam, Pinnacle Vodka Single Mixers, and Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Bacardi Doubles (all flavors)
ILLINOIS GAMENIGHT! Post Party at The Lion!! Penn State vs Illinois 8pm $1 Old Man Beer Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Whiskey $2 Malibu Rum, $2 Amaretto
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
WED 2/02
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Sex and the U: What’s It All For? VaGina Gershon wrote this
It’s Friday night and damn it, you’re going to get laid. You spent your entire morning creating your weekend lingerie lineup instead of going to class. You grabbed two shower Natties instead of your usual one, because you’re going to shave EVERYTHING in the shower. And you probably did lunges for a solid hour around your apartment so your ass would feel just a little tighter. Every weekend ladies everywhere go the extra mile to make themselves more desirable to drunken frat boys. Personally, I have this routine down to a science. My Victoria’s Secret is on a strict rotation, my bikini waxes are always
scheduled for Thursday afternoons (to give myself a good 24 hours to hold an ice pack between my thighs and wallow in the pain that my masochistic beauty regimen causes me), and the last thing I do before leaving for the bars is hide my innocent stuffed animals under my bed, in case I bring home a guy who wants to defile me in ways that Fluffy the Snuggle Dog should never know of. What I usually expect for myself after hours of grooming, and what almost always happens are two very different scenarios. Instead of sifting through a jumbled pile of boxers, skinny jeans and condom wrappers after a night of intoxicated, sexual activity, I actually wake up alone with a half finished Lean Pocket and Season 2 of Grey’s playing on my television. The fact of the matter is, you can wax, shave, shampoo, straighten, lunge, and tweeze the shit out of your body, but it will NOT guarantee a roll in the sheets with a kind stranger. After almost 4 years of this act and I still haven’t learned my lesson. You can chalk it all up to habit, but sometimes I think I’d rather take up a coke addiction instead of my grueling beauty routine. With coke, at least I’d be skinnier and it probably costs less than all of the money I throw down for hair shine serum and eyeliner. Even as I sit here writing this and listening to my obnoxious upstairs neighbor annihilate his bedsprings with some chick I realize, she probably hasn’t shaved her vagina in a little
over a week, and here I sit with no hair OR man between my legs. Reflecting on my drunken hookups has led me to realize that the getting ready ritual that so many of us obsess over does absolutely NOTHING for our overall prospects of getting laid. The last guy I brought home said my cotton Snoopy boy short panties were “cute,” but if I had known I’d have brought home company after a few fishbowls I would have opted for my cheetah print matching balconet bra and g-string. It’s pretty much comparable to preparing for a month for a Beerlympics, only to show up and find out that you’ll actually be competing with gin. Not only are you completely unprepared for challenges you face, but you just wasted a month drinking nothing but shitty beer (on second thought…that sounds awesome). As far as I can tell, most of us will never be able to break the vicious cycle of extensive primping, drinking, and coming home alone. If I had a shot for every time I got all dressed up and incredibly hot and came home alone, I’d black out before anyone could say “I need to Nair my armpits before trolling for bar skank at Red Lion.” But seriously, for the sake of all of us getting laid (because let’s face it, the world is so much better when orgasms are involved), everyone should just put down the razors and mascara. Here’s to stubble and cotton granny panties, we’re all gettin’ some tonight!
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bartenders
WEEK
of the
Drew Suddreth Kam's
Major: Communications Single: Yes Favorite Drink: The Body Cocktail Favorite Class: Drug Use and Abuse Favorite Sex Position: It doesn’t have a name but I made one. Favorite Comic Book Hero: The Pussy Patrol Guilty Pleasure: Getting blacked out on the job. Person to put in the middle of the Human Centipede: Adam Devine Favorite Pick-up Line: Wanna bang? Joose of 4Loko: Joose What type of underwear are you wearing right now: Hanes Best Place to Hook up: Anywhere in a public school building Last Cavity: Never!
Suicidal 666 Oh wow, scary name, right? No worries, you’ll feel awesome after you play this game. What You Need: A deck of cards, a medium sized glass, 2-3 shot glasses for the players, beer for said players. Number of Players: Two or three or more. Intoxication Level: You’ll feel joyful and ready to handle everything; quite opposite of feeling suicidal.
How to Play: - All players sit in a circle around a table with a the medium sized glass filled with beer and placed in the center. The dealer starts the game by flipping over a card for the first player and the player drinks according to the rules below. After the drinks are taken, the dealer flips a card over for the next player and so on. - If the card flipped is an even, you give someone else that many drinks. If odd, you take that many drinks. - Unless otherwise stated, the number on the card is how many drinks you drink or give out. - Sixes – The first three 6’s you give six drinks to someone. The person who gets the last six has to either chug or shotgun a full beer. - Sevens – You get to make up a rule and a consequence for breaking it. - Tens - Take five drinks. Each other player gets one turn to bounce a quarter into a shot glass. If they miss you don’t drink; if they make it you drink five more for each person that makes it. - Jack – You pick a category (say, sex positions) and the players take turns naming sex positions. Once someone messes up or stalls they drink the glass in the middle and then refill it. - Queen – You ask someone a question. They then ask someone else a question without answering the one they were asked and so on. If someone answers a question or stalls, they have to drink the glass in the middle and then refill it. - King – Variation of speed quarters. Start with the shot glasses opposite of each other on the table. Each person shoots the quarter until they make it and then pass the glass to the next person. When all the shot glasses catch up to one person, they then drink the glass in the middle and refill it. - Ace – Each person takes as many chances as they need to shoot a quarter into a shot glass. The person who takes the most turns drinks the glass in the middle and refill it.
Brother's
er: t s a s Di r o f e French Fried Pizza Recip As your roommate packs a bowl after you two crash home from the bars alone (again), help out, not by holding the bong, but by cooking up some french fried pizza. Thirty minutes later you’ll both be thanking us. What You Need: Cheese, frozen waffle fries, Ragu and the toppings of your choice. Cook Time: 30 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll hate yourself the next morning, but that’s eight hours away!
Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare the fries in an oven based on the cooking instructions on the packaging, except: - Toss the fries in cooking oil prior to placing them in the oven for added crispiness. - Prepare the oven 20 degrees hotter than instructed on the packaging. - Bake the fries for ¾ of the time instructed on the packaging. - Do not flip the fries if the instructions order you to. - Once the waffle fries have been prepared for ¾ the time, remove the cooking sheet from the oven. Flip the fries. The side that was against the pan should be crispy (and now facing up). - Coat the top of each waffle fry with approximately a spoonful of Ragu. Add too much, and the fries will be soggy. - Sprinkle cheese and the desired topping over the waffle fries. - Place the fries back in the oven and cook for seven more minutes, or until the cheese is a nice golden brown. - Remove the sheet from the oven, let the fries rest for five minutes. Bathroom Aftermath: Do they make, like, a super-plunger, or anything?
Sexy Time
Sandwiches
Indian
Studying
Tail-Gate
Soups
Italian
drinking games
Derrick Lloyd
Hangover
The Game Ends When: The devil emerges out of someone, preferably into a toilet.
Major: Political Science Single: Yes Favorite Drink: Fighting Phillipinos Favorite Class: Defense Against the Dark Arts Favorite Sex Position: The Betty White Favorite Comic Book Hero: V Guilty Pleasure: Anything by Mariah, she’s fantastic! Person to put in the middle of the Human Centipede: Nick Pulos Favorite Pick-up Line: Hey, my name is Pat Steinfort. I’m kind of a big deal. Joose or 4Loko: 4Loko What type of underwear are you wearing right now: Commando, all day. Best Place to Hook up: Backseat of GM’s Honda Civic. Last Cavity: The only one you can really smuggle drugs in
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Review
17
THE
PAGE
BOOZE REVIEW
mixer center
Kilo Kai Rum: B-
History Upon visit to the website, you are first asked your age (still not sure why this matters with alcohol websites) in Spanish, and then immediately bombarded with intense techno music and pictures of hot chicks (no this isn’t theblacksheeponline. com). This leads me to believe that the rum is bottled in a bunker somewhere in South America, probably by kidnapped frat bros still wearing their tattered Ed Hardy shirts. The secret ingredient is their sweat and tears as they cry and stir
the mixture while being forced to watch BDSM porn (the pheromones in their sweat mix into the rum and make the ladies addicted to it). The website also refers to it’s merchandise as “gear” which just dropped the grade a letter.
diet coke Asprite B ginger ale Bwater B+ straight up B dry & snorted at 3am D
ˇ ˇ ˇˇ ˇ
Overview Another rum, another pirate theme – bottled in a brown matte-like cover that doesn’t allow the drinkers to know when it’s finished, the front sports a nifty skull logo that must put a glimmer of hope in any Art and Design major’s eye. Like most alcohols not bottled in plastic, this stuff is above average, and worth spending a few extra doll hairs on, flying in at around $19 for a fifth.
Typical Drinkers Kids with forearm tattoos, music majors with tattoos on their fingers, thumb trickers (if you have to ask, you’ll never know), Crow T. Robot, transfer student-pirates, transfer pirate-students, pouty quarterbacks who “don’t like football anymore, hate their coach, has a tummy ache, and never ever want to play ever again!”
User Comments (multiple times) “Hey is there any of that rum left?” “The only other thing is Watermelon Burnett’s? AWESOME!” “I think I’ll get this skull tattooed on my forearm”
Quinn wrote this
bare tit shown. Whereas on the VHS or the Internet or a girl in real life, you can have those tits on demand, pause those tits, rewind the tits, touch those tits (real life/Barbie doll application only). So I’m not sure what’s so great about watching one lonely girl show her sweet tits in the midst of 50 howling dudes. No thanks, I prefer to have my tits alone in my room.
“”
Anyway, all this nostalgia, rigidly pounded into our soft little heads dies when we’ve grown to the age when we see the truth behind Girls Gone Wild. Before you stop reading, let me tell you that this isn’t going to be a denouncement of the “objectification of women” or any of that nonsense.
Then I found out that GGW actually imports the girls they get to show off them sweet titties. And that’s a little better I guess, but that could also be a total lie that greasy cameraman told me when I accosted him with a dying boner. In any case, what a total fraud – these aren’t the hometown hotties I dreamt of as a prepubescent. These are flown in, imported sluts who already have an inborn inclination to going wild! I want to see girls going wild that wouldn’t normally go wild. And by “wild,” I mean reveal their much sought after tits (both of them) to about 125 hot and bothered dudes. “She showed her tits! She must be wild! I want to have sex! Beer! Sex! Tits! Sex with tits!”
“Unlike the jizz encrusted VHS that I don’t still have, those sweet tits are only shown for a few fleeting seconds.”
What I want to get across is the desperation. The caravan of bros crammed into the meat packing plant that was a bar hours earlier, only to see three or four unfortunate looking girls in the crowd. Well, that feeling is something similar to when you figured out Santa Clause isn’t real, or like that one time when you could hear your parents having very loud, very verbal sex and all you wanted to do was lie under your bed and eat Oreos for three days. Seeing girls going wild in real life brings a few not-so-shiny-happy realizations to the common bro as he sways along with the crowd of angry, ravenous mandogs who haven’t been fed for three days as they chase the camera around like a bleeding spare rib. The first realization is that you’re getting old. This isn’t as bad as the rest because, unlike yourself at thirteen, you can now have sex with these girls, and also, unlike your future 40-yearold self, you can have sex with these girls. This would be great if the few girls who came to the bar, and the even fewer girls who have low enough self-esteem to show their sweet tits, had sweet tits worth looking at. Even more, unlike the jizz encrusted VHS that I don’t still have, those sweet tits are only shown for a few fleeting seconds, and forty minutes lies between each
However, when those imported groomed-to-be-wild girls get stuck “in the snow in Minnesota” we are left with the girls who were probably dragged to the bar by their boyfriends to “prove she could have fun with the guys.” I didn’t see college co-eds like I had never seen before. I didn’t see a stripclub/brothel converted into a bus. I did see one unfortunatelyoverweight girl grinding on another unfortunately-faced girl, and four girls get individually cornered by the camera, tailed by 100-odd guys howling like a pack of apes. So that’s what happens when Girls Gone Wild visits a bar in the middle of the Midwest, in the middle of winter. If you want to see a living set a tits, I recommend either buying a girlfriend, working in a strip club, investing in the internet or sneaking into the dorm bathrooms.
[Copy-Editor’s Note: I would like to thank GGW for the endless supply of drinks they supplied me that night apologize for being so stingy and not showing my ta-ta’s. I hate to be a tease.]
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Girls? Going Wild? Ok so every once in a while Girls Gone Wild makes a stop at one of the local saloons here in town, and all the male students on campus feel a movement in their pants, something leftover from their thirteen-year-old self tugging away on their parents couch for 5 or 6 thirty-second installments. And don’t even get me started on when, once in a blue moon, they would dedicate an entire half hour infomercial on E! to the 2-video cassette package. Like, dig out all your dirty socks because Lord a’mighty if you haven’t got a date with the best lookin’ girl in town.
writers, photographers cartoonist, drinkers, partiers, hotties who want to hang out, pr people, marketing folks, sales guys and gals. whatchu got?
18
19
continued from cover story... more reason to do it in class! Imagine the look on
your teacher’s face when they see a strange up and down movement among a lifeless lecture hall.
4. Play pocket pool Since “old fashions” take two to tango, playing pocket pool is a lot easier, but just as satisfying. Classes are stressful, and everyone needs a little something to ease the stress, like playing with yourself!
Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!
3. Cross dress I’ve just always wanted an excuse to dress like a boy and not get punished for it... :/
2. Eat obnoxious food I get so hungry during class, and I’m SICK of eating shit like granola bars. So before your professor knows who you are, go on and eat a damn steak or something. Mashed potatoes, a glass of wine, the works. Treat yourself to something special. 1. Sleep Obvious? Yes. Necessary? Of course. It’s painfully difficult to keep your eyes open during that 9am lecture, and that does some damage when your teacher comes across your name while grading papers. There’s nothing that’s more insulting to them than sleeping during their discussions. So sleep while you still have the chance!
Error We want your party pictures.
rouGh draft
Email your party pictures to pics@theboozenews.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com Email your party pictures to pics@roughdraftonline.com
Don't worry professor, the students don't know your name yet either...
20
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the movie page
Based on the Trailer
No Strings Attached dave saw this and gave it a...
Director:
Ivan Reitman
Rite
The Roommate
Feb. 4th
Starring: Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Cam Gigandet What You Need to Know: There’s a bunch of colleges, there’s a bunch of people who could be your roommate. And there’s a chance that that person is a huge emotionally unstable crazy bitch, so watch your drinks ya’ll. What We Think: Leighton Meester is a cutie, so we’re already hooked. This movie has an interesting premise that could play out in a totally unoriginal way. Like, “Ooh, the girl with all the money never had love as a child so she clings to people and then becomes a huge obsessive creep.” Been there, done that, yawn.
Just Go with It
Starring:
Jan. 28th
Starring: Anthony Hopkins What You Need to Know: Did you notice that there are a shitload of people needing exorcisms lately. Apparently the New York Times ran a piece saying that people are going crazy and blah blah blah. So a young man goes to Rome to relearn the ways of exorcisms by a creepy Anthony Hopkins. What We Think: Well, The Exorcist scared the shit out of us, mostly because of that nasty green pea soup stunt. This movie looks pretty scary though. I mean, Holy shit (see what I did there?), Anthony Hopkins is probably turning into the devil himself.
Feb. 11th
Starring: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Brooklyn Decker What You Need to Know: It's the same as so many movies in the world, we can't even describe it, but we'll try. Sandler lies to a very hot girl, to convince her he isn't lying, he makes up a crazy tale involving Jennifer Aniston. What We Think: Is there really plausible? Does Adam Sandler (who is pushing 50, we're guessing) really have a shot at a girl like Brooklyn Decker? No way in hell, not even in his Billy Madison days could he pull this kind of tail.
C+
Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher, Kevin Kline
Synopsis:
SEX! Now that I have your attention, here’s an average movie. For years, I’ve been trying to figure out how to get my friends to have sex with me. Of course, I’ve been trying to get anyone ever to have sex with me, but I figure it would be a lot easier to convince someone I already know than a complete stranger. No Strings Attached seems to have found the answer for me: all I have to do is look as good as Ashton Kutcher or Natalie Portman. Essentially, this is what No Strings Attached is about. Two good-looking friends who are busy with their professional lives decide to have sex without commitment. Portman plays Emma, a busy med student who can’t spend time with a “boyfriend” while Kutcher plays, as always, some goofy guy. This time he’s named Adam. Of course, as always, what Kutcher really wants is a relationship, but after he finds out his dad is having sex with his ex-girlfriend, he decides casual sex may be good for a while. But as Emma and Adam have sex, something more seems to be develop, and soon they may find love, and blah, blah, blah, until we get to the moment where they decide to be with each other or not. As unoriginal as the film was, really, it
on DVD
KUTCHER!!!!!
could have been a lot worse. Helping the material is the film’s R rating, giving it the ability to actually talk about sex and swear and such as normal people do. Plus, every once in a while, it actually stands true to the “comedy” part of romantic-comedy and makes a pretty funny joke. But there are far too many jokes that don’t hit, and there’s a strain on the “raunchy” material as if the characters are only making jokes about periods and penises not because they have anything to say, but just because they know they can. Most of this forced raunchiness is provided by the friends of Emma and Adam. The film decided to pile on the “wacky” friends, so instead of one or two people convincing the protagonists to be “crazy”, there’s about four or five. Some of these friends prove to be pretty annoying, just saying clichés like “leave that bitch” or “let’s all get laid!” But a few cast members, like Kevin Kline as Adam’s dad or Greta Gerwig as Emma’s friend, play the part of quirky person with a good low-key persona making the film a little less abrasive. Co-star Portman proves in No Strings Attached that every movie star enjoys making
money, meaning that every film she does can’t be critically appealing and adventurous like Black Swan. In this film she does fine with the standard rom-com stuff where she has to talk about feelings. Portman is an actress who impresses me in many things, yet when I watch films like Garden State or the Star Wars prequels, I find myself never wanting to watch her again. Here she’s a cross between my opinions: just pretty good. Kutcher, on the other hand, seems to love taking the same boring role over and over again. He always plays the hapless romantic hero; one who believes love will conquer all and the rest doesn’t matter. As annoying as Kutcher is, it would be nice to see him play a really awful character once and a while. He’s proven he can act beyond just his dopey smile, and he does well in the roles he’s given. Yet Kutcher doesn’t seem to want to ever play a person who makes him look badbesides that time he played that asshole who played pranks on famous people. No Strings Attached is far from great and rings hollow sonn after it’s over. Sounds like some inconsequential sex to me.
answers are a few pages from here
January 25th Saw 3D Red Secretariat Nowhere Boy
February 1st Let Me In Never Let Me Go Conviction Monsters
This 2000 Kutcher buddy comedy was adapted from a rejected live action Beavis and Butthead script.
In addition to starring in this 2004 sci-fi drama, Kutcher also acted as executive producer.
Kutcher had a cameo in this 2006 Emilio Estevez-directed movie about an assassinated American politician.
Which 2010 Kutcher bomb cost $75 million to make, but only took in $47 million at the box office?
21
www.theblacksheeponline.com
The Black Sheep Interviews: Monotonix Ami: We got kind of a basic idea that somebody kind of rolled in, sometimes they’re a few songs that begin with a drum beat, sometimes a song will begin with a guitar lead, or sometimes a vocal melody. Ten minutes tops that we’ll be jamming on it, there’s The Black Sheep: How did the whole Monotonix thing kind of something working there. And if we’ve got something, we’ll start get started? playing it, playing with the arrangement, organizing the song, like Ami Shalev : Everyone not in the mainstream basically knew each “this part should be like this” or “this part should be like this” and other because the town was very small. All of us have played before after ten minutes that somebody broke the basic idea and became a in bands and, sort of at the right time, all of our bands kind of broke song. It’s not going to happen, that’s the way that we work. up, so we decided “well, we know each other, we’re good friends, TBS: Where do you draw your inspiration from? let’s do something together.” And then we started writing songs and Ami: It’s from everything. It’s from everything that we see, feel, very, very, very quickly. I mean, like after a few weeks started touring get in touch in the world, from people that we know, from friends, in the US. from everything, from a lot of music that we hear, we feel it. I guess TBS: Let’s talk about your lives shows for a everything that we’re ever around and become in little bit, because they’re supposed to be super touch with is very influential. Monotonix enjoys setting duper intense. TBS: Outside just writing music, where do you There are moreand thantheir 26 milthemselves Ami: It’s a very, very natural thing for us. For me, not draw your inspiration from? What are some of porn sites being on stage feels like I’m pretty much in a cage lion the bands that influence you or the band, in equipment on fire, stealor something like that. This is the first time that I ing drinks from audience general? can feel very, very free to do whatever I want, and Ami: I guess, for me, it’s like all the rock bands that members to pour on basically it’s very natural for me to do these kinds of I heard when I was a child, and then the kind of themselves, and turning performances. Very physical, and I like it. music when I heard when I was a teenager. A lot their shows into frenzied TBS: With the live show, what kind of reaction of Israeli music, I mean, in my record collection I dance parties. you get from the fans when you’re being superdon’t have a lot of Israeli music. But it’s there, it’s intense? in the air, you can’t avoid, the three of us grew up Ami: The band and the audience become one unit in Israel. that leaves me feeling like, like it’s a great energy TBS: So can you expand on that. What do you that you feel and that the audience feels, like, I mean by Israeli Identity in terms of music? don’t know, the sound from the cymbal or the snare Ami: You know, in Israel it’s kind of a big contrast drum, you can hear it in your ears very loud and you can touch the between east and west, so it’s not 100% eastern country or not drum or the guitar, the physical reaction between the audience and 100% western country. You can see and you can feel in the music the band so it’s all very different, and I think the reaction is very, very and the way that we play, an Israeli band, even if we are doing rock strong. music, it’s more similar in my eyes to Israeli band that is doing folk TBS: Can we talk a little bit about your album that’s coming out music than to an American rock band. January 25th called “Not Yet”? What’s it like? TBS: Getting back on track to the actual album, you worked Ami: I guess, uh, it’s very simple with very weird excerpts. with Steve Albini in Chicago. He’s pretty darn famous around TBS: What’s the creative process like? How do you get from these parts. How was that? How did he influence the sounds point A to point Z? on this album? Monotonix is a rock band from Tel Aviv, Israel. Oddly enough, they recorded their latest album “Not Yet” in Chicago. It came out the 25th. Buy it, listen to it and run through a freakin’ brick wall.
?
music
Iron & Wine
Everything Sucks Lady GaGa Bad Romance
2
Splitsville Mr. Yuck
3
Maps and Atlases The Ongoing Horrible
4
The Murmurs You Suck
5
Creature Feature Such Horrible Things
6
AFI Mini Trucks Suck
7
The Killers A Crippling Blow
8
Jack Off Jill Horrible
9
Depeche Mode It’s No Good
10 U2 Bad 11 Beck The Horrible Fanfare 12 The Dresen Dolls Bad Habit 13 Oag Horrible Adorable 14 Arcade Fire Black Wave/Bad Vibrations 15 Keller Williams Gate Crashers Suck 16 Nine Inch Nails Suck 17 Cake Ain’t No Good 18 Daniel Powter Bad Day
Kiss Each Other Clean
More wine and more kissing, please. It’s hard to be like “Oh man, that new Iron & Wine album is sooo fucking awesome!” even if you do think it’s pretty fucking awesome. At best, one might proclaim “Man, that new Iron & Wine album is so chill, so good to vibe to, I totally dig it, yeah.” Not that Iron & Wine is strictly for those with a fondness to laying in the grass and staring at the beauty of cloud formations, but they’re hardly the ones to raise their voice. Shh, everyone, Iron & Wine is on and I don’t want to miss a guitar progression. The latest album by Samuel Beam, the one man band behind the name Iron & Wine, Kiss Each Other Clean, is his fourth studio album, though he’s released multiple EP’s and singles. It’s clear to see that with each album Beam has grown more and more into his sound while still evolving and producing unique material each time, which is an welcomed change to those artists who try too hard to be different, or try too hard to be mainstream (and impress their label). Sure, his acoustic, chill sound has stayed the same but it’s clear that his latest album is much more poppy but not in a “Oh man, he sold out to Warner Brothers!”, commercialized sort of way. It’s more folk-pop, perhaps like some the soft tunes those back in the day listened to on the radio when times were simple, music was good and life was in sepia. The album starts off with “Walking Far From Home,” reminiscent of Sufjan Steven’s “Age of Adz”; a little Autotuney, a little abstract and a whole lot of inter-
others
Amos Lee – Mission Bell Eva Cassidy – Simply Eva Cold War Kids – Mine Is Yours Corinne Bailey Rae – The Love EP
ˇ
1
Ami: I think he’s a great guy, and he’s brilliant engineer, the way that he recorded the band, I mean, it’s like, what you play, what you are is what you get in the speakers. It was a great experience to work with him, and it was a great studio and it was great to work with a legendary producer like him. TBS: I’d like to talk about your mustache, because it’s so awesome. How long have you been growing it? Ami: Uhm, I don’t know, I’ve got a beard too. ::laughs:: When my head stopped growing, I was thinking, well, I should morph into something in my face. I’m a very hairy guy from the Middle East, so I don’t have any problem growing hair. Sometimes people from the US or from Europe have a problem growing out a beard or a mustache because they aren’t very hairy at all, but I’m from the Middle East, I’m very hairy, I figured I’d grow up a mustache. I realize that this is a very big mustache, so right now it’s my face looks like, it’s all covered with hair. Just for the winter! TBS: What kind of maintenance do you have for that bad boy? Do you trim it, do you shampoo it? How do you make sure it’s not just a big ratty mess? Ami: No no, it’s all nature. I just cut my hair for the first time in 5 years, I didn’t touch my mustache for two a half, three years, I didn’t touch my beard. It’s all natural, like this. TBS: All right. That’s awesome. Cool.
ˇ
DID YOU KNOW
brendan wrote this
B
Out Now
esting (see also “Rabbit Will Run”). It’s still, soft and melodic, blending perfectly into the unique second track “Me and Lazarus,” with it’s catchy chorus, nice lyrics and jazzy-without-being-cheesy saxophone interludes. While much of the album flows together, parts and points of psychedelic pop are so perfectly blended in that it’s not just another album that drones on. I mean, have you checked out the album cover? Homeboy is standing in a body of water with Technicolor peacocks behind him, grazing. “Big Burned Hand” is one of the bounciest, jazziest tunes on the album, but not in a tacky grandfathery way. Still whispering, Beams’ vocals are powerful enough to bring the track back down to folky goodness. My favorite track is the 7-minute long final one“Your Fake Name is Good Enough For Me,” which sounds a bit like Fleetwood Mac, a bit like jazzy brass, and a bit like fast-paced poppy delight. The song slows down so perfectly at the end that you just want to put it on repeat. So this album isn’t revolutionary or insanely obscure. What it is, though, is well done and perfectly timed, still keeping the listener interested instead of being able to predict what’s coming next. Now keep your voice down, I’m trying to vibe here. Sounds Like: Red wine, perhaps a nice cab Download: “Me and Lazarus,” “Your Fake Name is Good Enough For Me” Listen to it When: You’re running your fingers through the grass
Wanda Jackson – The Party Ain’t Over Deerhoof – Deerhoof Vs. Evil The Get Up Kids – There Are Rules Monotonix – Not Yet
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Movie Quiz
words! you need 'em!
1. Dude, Where’s My Car 2. The Butterfly Effect 3. Bobby 4. Killers
Holy _____ 1 _____, last night was bizarre. No, I didn’t get _____ 2 _____ or anything amateur like that. I took a bunch of _____ 3 _____ and watched _____ 4 _____ for like seven hours… okay, maybe it was only two. But I passed out on my dog Sparky’s _____ 5 _____ and had the weirdest, best dream ever. First of all, Sparky was there, but he was wearing _____ 6 _____ covered purple stiletto pumps. He had a beeper on his belt and kept getting pages from _____ 7 _____ which really freaked me the fuck out, because I had a _____ 8 _____ of _____ 9 _____ on me. I quickly got on Google and searched for ways to become invisible, and it took me to _____ 10 _____ website that had detailed directions. He suggested filling your bathtub with _____ 11 _____-flavored Jell-O, ample amounts of melted _____ 12 _____, and condoms filled with _____ 13 _____ So I laid in the tub wearing only a _____ 14 _____, and then things started to get weird. After submersing myself, Sparky came into the bathroom and spoke to me in a _____ 15 _____ accent, telling me that I must “cart-wheel, not run, to the nearest _____ 16 _____.” Torn by my fears of terrorism, I decided to take Sparky’s advice. I leapt out of the tub and fell into the drain. I was swirling down the pipes, and the only sound I could hear was _____ 17 _____ over and over and over. I eventually landed ass-first into a _____ 18 _____ with my feet falling right into purple stiletto pumps. I looked around, in a daze, and noticed a beeper on my belt alerting me. I leapt up and ran into the bathroom… to see myself laying in a bathtub full of crap. I jumped on the counter, avoiding the _____ 19 _____ and gazed at the mirror… I was Sparky. I licked my _____ 20 _____ just to see how it felt, ate some _____ 21 _____ out of the garbage, and fell back asleep, just like a dog would, dreaming sweet, dog dreams.
Answers
mad lib: High Dreamin’
( class time )
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