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“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
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The Black Sheep
Other stuff
Inside 06 Bus Warz: 2 shitty companies enter…hopefully neither leaves
HIDE YOUR SOCKS: Uncle Busey's thoughts on the Super Bowl Quinn wrote this
10 bruce weber faces: we break down the coach's eight best looks...no o-face!
One of our writers on staff is a distant cousin of Gary Busy, and every once in a while he will catch up with our U of I staff, sending along politically charged chain emails, asking for money, or just pictures of his balls submerged in various liquids. We know he is getting a little senile, but recently he sent along an email regarding the Super Bowl. Sure, we’re used to his ranting emails, and we rarely know where anything Gary says comes from, or why he feels it’s necessary to prove just how much milk his swollen testicles can displace, but his confusion of the Super Bowl seemed to ratchet his crazy to a whole new level. In any case, we felt it was necessary to pass along the email… From: Uncle Busey (gbusey777@gmail.com) To: comments@theblacksheeponline.com Subject: Buyer Beware: Super Bowl XLV is a Battle for Your Mind
21 TBS Interviews: Hoodie Allen
Hoodie Allen drops by to speak some truth to us
Dear Students, I rarely watch television. It is like a direct porthole for Beelzebub to reach his withering claw into your brains to squeeze the thoughtblood out. Recently I was watching the television and saw an advertisement for a game involving men of barbaric size, battling for control of mother earth. The Prophecy is true—I’ve risen from my slumber in the year 2068, my nightmarish haunting has come to fruition like water evaporating from a cup of blood in a stained-glass microwave. Students, I must warn you against the outcome of this match. First, I do not understand who decided on these new-age zealots to battle for control of the planet. Fervent followers of both clans disparage The Lightness of the Lord
by bringing the heaviness of weight to their morbidly obese bodies. In fact, as a society we will fail because we create enemies out of necessity to hate. Students, it’s good for everyone to understand that they are to love their enemies, simply because your enemies show you things about yourself you need to change. So in actuality enemies are friends in reverse. QUIT. INTERRUPTING. Hey how ya doin? Where was I? No, not where am I, I know where I am, I’m in the middle of my Tuesday wonton soup bath, I mean where was I in my dictation? How did you get in here? Listen, great opportunities like this only happen for the first time once. You, the young people of this country, need to understand the opportunity you have this week. The more time you take to come clean, the less time it takes dirt to come for you. Do you understand me, men of the future!? These barbarians want nothing to do with your goals, your mindsets, your aspirations. Who are these Packers? These Steelers? Students, Uncle Busey’s time on this earth wanes in the face of lady harelequin hope, and soon I will ascended to the plateau of the Lord’s 4th Light, but I must warn you of the downfalls of false leadership. Do you know what leadership stands for? Leading Everyone, Always Doing Everything Right So Humanity Is Proper. Do you think these barbarians will treat you with respect when they have power? No. These people are dark companions who have used the television to squeeze your bowels and have you blowing up balloons in the back room of a child’s birthday party. The television is a the ever-constant glowing abyss that will melt your conscious thought and having you laugh at beer commercials and addiction. Addiction will leave you living in the fast, fast, fast, fast, fast lane, do you understand?
CONTINUED ON PAGE 19...
In This Issue
04: Total Sorority Move
Bitching at the bitches on TFM is a total TSM
07: Sex and the CU
It’s a cutthroat world out there, do what it takes to get yourself some ‘tang.
18: Top 10
If you’re doing these things, you should probably just quit college.
05: Super Bowl Ads
If there’s another talking baby commercial, we’re just gonna lose it.
04: Internet?!?!?
Have you heard of this thing?!
14: On Creeps and Fugliness
Your fatness sickens me, but I can’t stop staring.
16: Recipe for Disaster
Carb loading never felt so gravy good.
18:Where Are They Now
We catch up with a very special childhood friend of yours.
17: Booze Review
SoCo and lime wasn’t bad. Our time drinking it, though, was.
16: Drinking Game
Blue Rug is a magical ride...
20: The Rite
What right do you have to see this movie, sinner?
Get all of Kam's specials on the Black Sheep iPhone and Android App!
a big list of awesome stuff
join the team! Think you belong on our elite staff? Can you make a good penis joke while taking down a beer bong? Are you good looking enough to hook up with an 8 or two 4's in any given night? Well hot damn, we might be looking for you. Hit us up at hireme@theblacksheeponline.com and let us know what you'd want to do (even if your life goal is to hang out with Quinn, we might consider you).
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V O C A L P O I N T S
Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Derection: Definition: An unpleasant thought that’s an immediate boner killer. Sentence: “I got a derection last night when Angela told me about her abortion during sex.” Geroniho: Definition: A guy or girl who abandons sexual standards after a few drinks. Sentence: “A half a bottle of champagne and Deb is hitting on ugly GDIs all over the place. What a geroniho.”
Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com
Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets
04
What is the worst decision you’ve made since coming back to campus this semester?"
TSM: Just Shut the Fuck Up, Already Fink wrote this I’m sure most of us have discovered the Internet gem that is Total Frat Move, and I’ve even incorporated scrolling through the newest entries as part of my weekly Friday hangover routine (I had to pick up something else while Jersey Shore was in the off season). Of course, while one has to be in the right mindset to read entries from a whole bunch of rich, entitled, alcoholic Southern “gentlemen,” for the most part they can be pretty entertaining to those of us in the Greek community.
Even as a sorority girl, I frequently chuckle at the various ways that fraternity gentlemen are able to get the exact same point across: “I fucked some chick last night after she saw I was wearing Brooks Brothers and Sperry Topsiders without socks and slammed a bottle of Maker’s but I didn’t wear a condom because I’m so frat and then she made me a sandwich. And then I ate it while she blew me. TFM.” Repetitive? Maybe. Funny to laugh at how stupid these “slampieces” that they find are? Most certainly.
Dan Papas- Senior
tually don’t care that they aren’t intelligent human beings, but the TSMs as we currently know them are absolute crap. It’s now common to find TFMs that say something like this: “Making TSMs separate so slampieces can debate who is skinnier, takes more Adderall, and who makes a better sandwich. TFM.” I could not have said it better myself. We northern sorority girls definitely do it a little differently, and I think it’s important that we reclaim TSMs so these Southern Belles stop making sorority girls everywhere look fucking dumb. I’m not on some huge mission to prove that sorority members are completely upstanding, innocent women who occasionally sip wine and know nothing of blackouts and pregnancy scares. What I’m concerned with is the typical sorority girl coming off as a 100-lb waif whose knowledge doesn’t extend far past the kitchen. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the girls who regularly post TSMs couldn’t hold a can of beer without two hands, much less drink one without being hospitalized and having charcoal shoved down their throats.
Which brings me to my main point. Total Frat Move, while overall mildly entertaining, is interrupted every so often If it were up to me (and it may be, since I plan to submit by a few of the aforementioned idiotic girls who attempt to these sort of posts on the reg now), TSMs would sing a difone up the notion of “frat” by posting a TSM: Total Soror- ferent tune. And you, my trusty audience, now have the privity Move. Instead of boasting about how much booze one ilege to read what I hope will be the new face of TSM, and put away last night or how sexy her my first ever post: last shack was, TSM’s usually go a lit"We northern sorority girls tle something like this: “I haven’t put “Last night, after drinking my definitely do it a little difanything in my mouth in weeks except body weight in gin and tonic, I ferently, and I think it’s for a couple of Adderall and my fratspent the rest of the night trydaddy’s dick and he’s starting to get to figure out which lucky guy important that we reclaim ing mad that I don’t swallow anymore but I’d be taking home out of 3 sexy TSMs so these Southern I just can’t deal with the extra calories. contenders. This morning, when I hope he’ll forgive me enough to proBelles stop making sorority he asked for half of my sandwich pose before I have to waste any more after morning sex, I gave him girls everywhere look time on this stupid Elementary Ed deJimmy John’s phone number and gree and focus on making the perfect told him to not finish so early fucking dumb." sandwich. TSM.” next time. TSM.” I don’t know what these sorostitutes think they’re accomplishing by admitting that their tits are fake and they ac-
"12 shots and wiping out face first on the ice."
Nationals approved? Doubt it. Improvement? Yes.
"Going to the first wine night at Cly’s."
Katlyn Goeken- Junior
" Going to class during Syllabus Week."
John Jaeger- Super Senior
05
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super bowl xlv: ads i want to see, ads i don't want to see Fratastasia wrote this
If you ask me (or any other Bears fan) that will be watching Sunday’s Super Bowl game with apathy, this year is all about the commercials. Whether it’s because there’s a lot of creative potential to be had in these commercials or we just hate the Packers so much that we can’t stand to watch Clay Matthews act like an evil river troll on national television, all eyes will be on the ads that we can’t wait to talk about the next morning. When it comes to Super Bowl commercials, we always set such high standards for the quality and content of the TV ads (because who can really rely on the half time shows these days? I mean, bring back Janet Jackson already). Some people want humor, others want huge spectacles of singing and dancing numbers, but most just want a good variety of beer commercials. Now, I’m usually okay with just about anything as long as it doesn’t involve dancing dolphins or one/any of the Kardashian sisters, but because this year I have no interest in either team, my advertising requests have increased so that I too may enjoy Super Bowl Sunday…
What I Want To See Return of the Old Spice Guy – What ever happened to Isaiah Mustafa, the fine-smelling, hunky, and maybe-a-bit-too-old-for-me Old Spice spokesperson? Lately they’ve been featuring Baltimore Ravens’ Ray Lewis in a series of NFL-related commercials. Not that I
LiveChat: Talk With Real Local Singles – I’m convinced that one of my friends uses this on the reg. I just want to see his face when this commercial comes on to verify my prediction…
What I Don’t Want To See Champaign County commercials for local business – This is the Super Bowl, and I don’t want to see a commercial for O’Brein Auto Park or Blain’s Farm & Fleet thrown in to the mix of some amazing ads. I am spammed daily with these D-grade commercials on just about every channel and I feel like last year a few of them sneaked through the cracks. Since the Super Bowl is a special occasion, do you think we can forgo the Bankier Apartments ads or those “Xtreme” furniture salesmen who break stuff all the time? Anything having to do with male enhancement drugs – Last year, the NFL got a little too comfortable with the “Viva Viagra” campaigns after halftime when they ran out of good commercials to run. I can’t help but to draw my own conclusions about football players based on the placement of those ads. Please, don’t ruin my football
day is
a tues
tequil
don’t like Ray Lewis or anything, but wouldn’t it be sick if Isaiah Mustafa made an epic comeback during the Super Bowl and just did something amazing? There’s no doubt he’s got the potential, so bring him back!
nce!
he da
at t back
player fantasies again this year.
Another GEICO commercial – The Gecko? The Cavemen? Mike McGlone asking rhetorical questions? And now weird robots with awkward social skills? I can’t take it anymore! GEICO, I know you’re going to shoot for the gold again this time around, but unless it features Fabio and the Chippendales, just try to lay low this year. Brett Favre for Wranglers – Do they still run those ads?
06
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Bus Warz: A Fight to the Bottom John Mc”Honey”Combs wrote this A savage war has been wreaking havoc in Illinois for years now. Countless amounts of people have been affected by it, but up until now it has seen very little publicity. I’m talking of course about the ongoing conflict between Lex Express and Suburban Express bus companies. The tenacity with which these two companies attack each other makes the Rodney King riots look like the Gay Pride parade. For as long as I’ve been at the University of Illinois, these two companies have hated each other more than the Israelis and Palestinians. We’ve all seen the ads claiming that Lex Express robs students or hires Neo-Nazi child molesters or something along those lines. However, this is only scratching the surface of the hatred these companies have for one another. On the Suburban Express website they call out the Lex Express owner, Bob, pretty much as a petty, scheming hobo who likes to build hot tubs for some reason. Here are some quotes, (These are direct from Suburban Express’s website and have in no way been tampered or altered at all. If you want to see them type, “avoid lex” into google search and hit “I’m feeling lucky”) “Lex is run by a local drop-out named Bob. Bob’s background includes renting out mobile homes and installing hot tubs.” That’s low, even by TBS standards. We in no way shape or form pass judgment on people who install hot tubs, the best kind of tubs. Now you’d think it doesn’t get
better but it does. (Remember, these are real quotes. I shit you not.) “Bob seems to have a spotty financial history.” “Bob seems to attract lawsuits from customers.” “Bob can’t seem to pay his advertising bills on time.” “And Bob seems to bounce LOTS and LOTS of checks.” Whew, well at least that’s all Suburban Express had to say and didn’t keep going. I’m just fuckin’ with you, of course there’s more. They go so far as to call Bob a hothead, who can’t control his temper with a link to a video of him trying to grab a camera and under their “Just for Fun” section they link lawsuits of Lex, failed safety inspections, and a police report for a DUI. The Vietcong attacked with more civility than this. You’d think at this point Bob had personally shit in the cereal of every employee at Suburban Express to warrant these kinds of attacks. Suburban Express seems to be about one lost costumer away from just flat out firebombing Bob’s house and curb stomping his remains. My personal theory is that this is the same Bob in the Enzyte commercial and the owner of Suburban Express is Bob’s ‘lacking’ neighbor. Suburban Express comes home every day to a dissatisfied and irate wife, while Bob keeps him up all night with his raucous love-making. While Suburban Express tries to tell women that Bob drives a bus filled with human skulls, Bob just laughs it off and tapes himself plowing Suburban Express’s high school sweetheart.
It may take an entire UN effort to get these two companies to come to the peace table, but I think it’s about time they put aside their differences and focus on fucking over the Peoria Charter. Those assholes have sailed under the radar for far too long, and it’s time for them to see what happens when the big boys come knocking. If we don’t refocus their efforts soon, the next time you go home for a weekend you may just wind up getting t-boned by Bob in his human skull hell bus.
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Sex in the CU:
Going for the SUS Hot Carl wrote this
1.
2.
3.
So you’re having sex, right? Right. I mean right now. Still are? Good. Good for you. And you’re enjoying it, right? Right. Of course you are! So why ever stop? Well, we professionals really don’t stop the screwing- sure, we take pauses to do important things like drinking and masturbation- but always with the view towards more sex. The only time it ever stops is when we run out of people to have sex with, but how do you become absolutely sure that this hot pootang is going to return? Well, folks, lay back and enjoy the rest of your sexing, I’ve got you covered. Just follow these three simple instructions: which I like to refer to as Going for the SUS.
Go for the Steal:
After your partner dozes off, snoop through their jeans, purse, saddle bag, whatever they’re using to carry all of their valuable items. Find whatever looks most valuable – phone, wallet, car keys, blood diamonds – what have you – and steal it. Once your new sex friend gets home he or she will be searching frantically for said irreplaceable item. Then you’ll come swooping in with a heroic text (or timely letter if you’ve stolen their phone) that goes a little something like this, “Why hello, this is ____ (state your name) from the other night. You might remember me a little better as the best sex you’ve ever had. Anyway, I found this brick of gold in my room and I was wondering if it’s yours?” And voila! You’re the savior and guaranteed to get some diddles in.
Go for the Undercut:
“”
That’s right; in this scenario your sexual teammate becomes your sexual opponent. With every move this person makes try your best to yawn or roll your eyes or give a sarcastic scoff as often as possible. After your partner climaxes, give them an unsatisfactory, half-assed smile and roll over without another word. Each one of these little nuances will begin to nibble away at your sexual adversary’s ego until there won’t be a shred of confidence left. The only way for this person to regain any shred of sexual assurance will be to sleep with you again and finally please you by throwing every A-class move they’ve got. And you might enjoy it.
Go for the Scare:
“Just follow these three simple instructions: which I like to refer to as Going for the SUS”
When your sexual cohort goes to use the bathroom, make use of this time by searching through their stuff again. Instead of looking for valuable items find their home address – the one where their family lives. Then if they do not contact you within the week of your hookup, use their address. I’ve found that an organized ransom note really does the trick, just find any old magazine lying around and neatly cut out enough letters to inform your hookup that unless they comply and agree to sex you up again, their family will have a hard time going through the rest of their lives without any ears. Or something to that effect. Before you know it, all the weepy, terrified, please-don’t-hurt-my-family-or-their-new-puppy-Fluffers will be yours to enjoy!
No need to thank me, friends. I’m just doing my job. Hell, I need to get laid too. Then again, don’t we all? Aren’t we all just searching for some good sex? I know I am. Seriously – this dry spell’s gotta end; these talents can’t keep going on unused. Someone give me some sex, please.
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Campus Life for Less
09
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Has Anybody Heard of this “Internet” Thing? John wrote this
“”
I was sitting in class the other day, no. 2 pencil in hand, diligently copying notes off a blurry overhead when, to my utter disbelief, a girl sitting next to me pulled out a computer! I know what you’re thinking: how could she fit a whole computer processor, monitor, speakers, keyboard, and mouse into her backpack?! Is she a magician? A relative to Mary Poppins? Did she have other stuff in there too? Were there kittens wearing hats? Can I have her number?
she told me about the Intertubes. At least I think that’s what she called it. It might have been something like Intrudenet, or Web of Intrigue. I couldn’t remember, and I wasn‘t able to ask any follow up questions, because she ran away when I found a leftover hot dog in my pocket. But she did manage to tell me I could find it on the computers at the library before she ran off, so I went to check it out.
“Her computer
Well, relax; you’re getting drool all over my article, Pumba. Her computer looked more like a big cell phone that sat in her lap. Like one of those fancy flip phones, except I couldn’t see an antenna. I asked her what it was, and she told me it was her “lap top.” I laughed at her. “You computer engineers may be smart, but you sure aren’t very creative,” I said. “Say, what’s an engineer like you doing in my Finger Painting 417 class anyway?” She stared at me for a solid five seconds before answering.
looked more like a big cell phone that sat in her lap.”
“I’m a freshman English major… I didn’t invent the laptop. Are you sure you’re a student here?” This made me think. Am I a student? What’s for dinner later? How is the sun so hot when it’s so small, anyway? I hope I still have hot dogs. Who is this girl staring at me? “Whatever,” I said, forgetting what she had asked me. “How did you get all those pictures and words on your big cell phone?” Then
First of all, it’s actually called “the Internet,” and if you haven’t heard of it I‘m not surprised. It’s pretty underground, and it’s practically a hard drug. After five minutes online, I was a totally different person. By that I mean before going on the Internet I had never seen a video of a porcupine on ice skates dancing to a remix of “(I’ve Had) The Time of my Life.” If you don’t think that’s a life-changing event, then you are a spider in my bathtub and I hate you.
I learned from some articles online that there are a lot of people who are opposed to the Internet, which seemed hypocritical to me. They said that the Internet was full of violence, porn, and Facebook. Ironically, these articles are what introduced me to the Internet’s collection of violence, porn, and Facebook profiles, which I have yet to stop cycling through since learning about them. I’m not kidding, I’ve been sitting at this library computer for two and a half weeks now, and I‘ve seen 150 skateboarding nut shots, thou-
sands of boobs (most of them female), and I’m Facebook friends with Tila Tequila…’s uncle! Feel free to come visit me; I’m the guy at the Undergrad ICS lab with my hot dog out (not talking about my lunch this time).
All in all, I’ve found the Internet to be, at it’s best, a pretty good time-waster, and, at it’s worst, Stumble Upon. So if you’re an early adopter of technology like me (I was one of the FIRST people in line for the TI-89 calculator) then you’ve probably already been enjoying this “Internet.” But if you, like so many other billions of people in the world, have yet to learn of this magical domain, then you should come join me at the library. Seriously, I haven’t seen a human in days.
10
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SHOUT OUTS! The Eight Faces of Bruce Weber
Most men will wear many faces throughout their life. They’ll smile when they’re happy, frown when they’re sad and make some goofyass face when they orgasm. Illini basketball coach Bruce Weber is not most men. Bruce Weber only wears eight faces, each with a precise meaning dictated by what’s currently happening on the basketball court. Since we exist to serve, we’ve decided to catalog the eight Bruce Weber faces for you, with a Brucealiciousness rating of 1-10; “1” being the least Bruce-y face, “10” being the Bruceiest face imaginable. Enjoy! -Brendan The Face: Mild disgust What It Says: “Ed Hightower, that call was bullshit, and you know it.” What It Means: The Illini are up or down by single digits. A face used by Bruce Weber to milk a call from the refs without embarrassing the zebras or getting himself a technical. Also uses it on equipment managers when they use the wrong kind of wax on his BMW. Brucealiciousness: 4/10 The Face: Utter elation What It Says: “Jereme Richmond is gully as fuck.” What It Means: Richmond just brought the ball up the court by himself, stared down his defender, drove strongly to the hoop and dunked the ball into McLean County, all while drawing the foul. Weber doesn’t even pretend to be pissed about Richmond not passing the ball, because that was just disgusting. Brucealiciousness: 6/10
The Face: Total contempt What It Says: “Fuckin’ Tisdale.” What It Means: There’s thirteen minutes left in the game and Mike Tisdale just fouled out, again. Bruce wonders to himself how many times he has tell that ogre that they’re gonna call a charge if he doesn’t set feet and hold his arms straight up. Remains secretly jealous he isn’t over seven feet tall. Brucealiciousness: 8/10 The Face: Excited bewilderment What It Says: “HEY!” What It Means: Some guy on the other team has been open for .37 seconds, which really pisses Weber off. Weber Takes mental note: “Make Richardson and Paul hold hands at next practice, so they can see what man defense looks like.” Also, the face he made when he realized White Horse was open again, because he was excited to karaoke Iggy Pop’s “Lust For Life” when the season’s over. Brucealiciousness: 10/10, the gold standard for Bruce Weber faces.
The Face: Indescribable yearning What It Says: “Someone brought pie!” What It Means: Bruce Weber is at a charity potluck and someone brought a still-warm cherry pie with the crumbly crust. After using a 30-second timeout to diagram a plan of action to himself, he successfully steals the pie and enjoys it alone in a bathroom stall. Brucealiciousness: 6.5/10
The Face: Annoyed confusion What It Says: “Alright, it’s time to put the starters back in.” What It Means: Three stupid things just happened in a row, and Bruce has had just about enough of it. Also wears this expression when discussing The King’s Speech with friends, because he just doesn’t get what all the hype is about. Brucealiciousness: 5/10 The Face: Nervous anticipation What It Says: “This is the calm before the storm, brace yourself.” What It Means: The Fighting Illini have been playing well as a team for several minutes. Inherently, this makes Bruce Weber very nervous as it prevents him from existing in his natural state—yelling. Also make this face after he sits down on the toilet, but before he unleashes nasty burrito diarrhea. Brucealiciousness: 3/10 The Face: Hate and vitriol What It Says: “I’ll get you some day, Izzo, if it’s the last thing I do!” What It Means: Everything has gone to shit; now it’s time for someone to die. Rarely seen outside of losses to far inferior schools, the face is reserved for when Weber just don’t give a fuck and he wants to make a point. Once used to make a sixteen-year-old McDonalds cashier cry when his McRib didn’t come with extra pickles. Brucealiciousness: 7.3/10
Dear Jafar, Thanks for calling the cops on us at 11 pm, causing them do dump out all 13 fifths and 3 cases of beer. I'm glad we're considered criminals now and cannot leave the state. Love, the girls in apt. 7 To the cute brunette in a wheelchair at red lion- you can still enjoy sex, right? To the loud neighbors in GST 502, why do you continue to reenact every episode of Jersey Shore? It's not funny and you don't sound like Snooki. Dear my gfs roommate: No you can't join in, 2 is enough Maggie, there's no way you "accidentally" walked into my room, naked, again. Let's just be real, you WANT this! -Steph Dave, next time you try enjoying the vibe more than me, I'm telling your friends. -Green Giant Pike Dave - why wouldn't you let me video take it? Weak. -Liz To the super fatties stumbling around Green and 3rd Thursday night and trying to chest bump everybody who walked by - that really hurt and I hate you. Love, everyone on campus. Ass who still wears sandals to class, I hope your feet freeze and fall off!
SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 Float Away February WIN a Caribbean Cruise for 2 & $1000! 28 chances to WIN 1 Every Day in FEB! $2.75 Miller Lite Bottles Beer of the Month: Blue Moon
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ZOSO Tribute to LED ZEPPELIN
Thursday Night RAGE! w/ DJ Mixx $2 Skyy Vodka $2 Long Islands $3 Skyy Vodka Red Bull $3 Vegas Bombs $2 Any Beer Btl. in the House! Skyy Vodka Girls 11pm
$3.99 DblChburger & FF 4-9pm $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Whiskey $3 Boddington Pub Cans $2 Amaretto's Jameson Promo 11pm
$2 Drafts $3 Jose
DJ Ian Procell & DJ REFLEX 10PM (house)
$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
DUBSTEP MASQUERADE: Pirates vs. Ninjas featuring TRIPP SYNDICATE, MISS HAZE, FLOWA CHILD, AGRESTIK, BELLY, MILK N COOKIES, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS and MC HARSH PRO
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Absolut Vodka $3 SoCo Shots & Drinks $3 Cruzan Rum & Cruzan 9 SoCo Girls 11pm
$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Jager Bombs $3 Jim Beam $3 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3.99 Haus Fries UV Vodka Girls 11pm
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Top Shelf
SATURDAY THROWDOWN! DJ MERTZ 10 PM
$5 App & fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Bacardi $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
LUCKY BOYS CONFUSION with THE DRAFT WEEK, GOOD LUCK JANE, THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS and ADORA
$3 Jager Bombs $3 Wild Turkey $3 Bacardi $3 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles Wild Turkey Girls 11pm
Illinois vs NW Noon Bulls vs Golden State 9pm $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Bacardi Italian Beef & Fries $6.49
$3 Captain Drinks $3 Jose Drinks
Closed
Book your next party or event at the Clybourne Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
Watch the Big Game Here! 5:30pm Pittsburgh vs GB $2 ANYTHING in the HOUSE!! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings
$2 Bottles $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells
$1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm After pub quiz, Bonus Rounds of Buzztime Trivia - extra prizes
$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells
$2 ANYTHING in the HOUSE! Patron-Jack- Bacardi Goose- Absolut - Beam You Name it $2! DJ Goo Boo Spinning Live
Hawks vs Flames 8:30pm Bulls vs Portland 9pm $1 Bud & Bud Light Drafts $10 Bud Hydrants $2 Sauza Tequila Shots $2 Cruzan Rum & Cruzan 9
$2 Double Whiskey Drinks $10 Domestic Buckets
TUES 2/08
T-N-T! Tuesday Night Trivia 7PM Liquid Courage Karaoke 9:30 $4 SVEDKA MARTINIS! $1.50 MILLER HL BTLS
22oz. Mug Club $5 Buys a Mug Filled $3 Well Refills, ANY TAP & MORE! $5.50 Party Pitchers (Too many flavors!) $2 Shot Menu Kamikazes & Much More!
THE PIANO MAN Performing all your favorites! Come out and sing along! $3 Real Long Island Iced Teas! NO COVER!
WINE NIGHT with DJs Milk N Cookies $8 Bottles of Champagne & Wine $3 Svedka Martini's (Cosmo & Appletini's) $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles Svedka Vodka Girls 11pm
$2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Sharkbowls $5 Bud Light Pitchers $3 Soco Shots & Drinks $2.99 Cheeseburger & FF 4pm-9pm
Logo Glass Night $3 Glass $2 Refills
WED 2/09
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Keystone Light taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic, $2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAYS! Mug Night! DJ support from ChaliceDubs.com $5 Mugs for Purchase, $3 Drink Special refills! $1 Cover!
$2 Stella Artois Bottles $2 Malibu Rum $2 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Jim Beam Whiskey
A Minute to Win It Win a Blu Ray Player! $2 Svedka, $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Bud Mug Night $2 Bud Refills - $3 Goose Refills Bulls vs Utah 8pm Hawks vs Oilers 8:30pm
$1 Domestic Bottles $2 Screwdrivers
SPECIAL NIGHT
FRI 2/04
SAT 2/05
SUN 2/06
MON 2/07
MON: Van Gogh a Go Go! $5 Van Gogh Cocktails PINEAPPLE ACAI BLUEBERRY DOUBLE ESPRESSO VG GIN $6 Van Gogh Martinis DIRTY MASTERPIECE PINEAPPLE GIMLET ACAI COSMO GIMLET
Closed
Van Gogh a Go Go! $5 Van Gogh Cocktails PINEAPPLE ACAI BLUEBERRY DOUBLE ESPRESSO VG GIN $6 Van Gogh Martinis DIRTY MASTERPIECE PINEAPPLE GIMLET ACAI COSMO GIMLET
Closed
Tuesdays $2 Drafts $2 Burgers & Fries
$3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings
GET ALL THE BAR SPECIALS ON OUR iPHONE AND ANDROID APP! SEARCH: BLACK SHEEP MOBILE!
The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3
Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERYDAY: $5 Pitchers, $1 Drafts $1 Cherry Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $1 Kamikaze $2.50 Shot Board Shots
Happy Hour $1 Off All Apps and 1/2 Off All THURSDAY: Hookah’s (at GSC2) $3 Sangria Special 6-8 Night Every Day. From $3 Sweet Tea Vodka Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Free Pool During Free pool duringHour!!! happy hour!!! Happy
WED 2/02
Karaoke Bomb Night! $2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona Wednesday $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3$2.50Strong Islands Corona $4Bombs ICB’s $2.50 Jager
THURS 2/03
$2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Double Rum Wells LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
Thirsty Thursday $4 ICB’s $3.50 Pitchers of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Domestic and Import Bottles $3 Dr’s, $4 Strong Islands
FRI 2/04
$4 Double Red Bull Vodkas $2.50 Amaretto Stone Sours $3 Strong Islands LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2.50 Captain and Coke $2.50 Dr’s $3 Vodka/ RB $4 Signature Drinks
SAT 2/05
$3.50 Jager Bombs $3 Double Vodka Wells $2.50 Tequila Sunrise LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2.50 Heineken $3 Dr. McGillicuddy's $3 Captain & Cokes $4 Signature Drinks
$2 U CALL IT
Free Pool All Night $1 Miller Lite & Bud Light Draft’s $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Strong Islands
MON 2/07
$5 Pitchers 50¢ Pizza Slices
$1 Pint Refills of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Miller Bottles $3 Rumpleminze $4 Double Vodka/RB $1 Off All Burgers
TUES 2/08
Wing Night! (8pm-midnight) $.50 Jumbo Chicken Wings $1.00 Chicken Strips 3 for $1 Jumbo Popcorn Chicken $2 Coronas
Outlaw Karaoke $2 Bud and Miller Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Strong Islands $3.50 Motza Sticks
WED 2/09
Karaoke Bomb Night! $2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 ICB’s
FRIDAY: DJ DELAYNEY House, Hip-Hop, R&B, Reggae, and Old School Dance
NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!
3 DJ's spinning simultaneously
John Han and 3AM Nation Present Bomb's Away Wednesday
35 E. Green Street
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Bomb's Away Wednesday $2 Any Bomb $4 G-Bombs 3 DJ's spinning at the same time all night
$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
$2 1/4 lb. Burgers $3 Stoli Flavor Drinks $2 Miller Family Beers $1 Buttery Nipples DJ Spdydey
Enjoy Our Beer Garden
DJ DELAYNEY House, Hip-Hop, R&B, Reggae, and Old School Dance
Bud Light Happy Hour!!! Win Authentic Cub's Throwback Jersey 7-9 DJ Jon Han
Enjoy Our Beer Garden
DJ LUNIKS $3 Corona $3 Corona Light $3 Red Bull & Vodka $3 Cherry Bombs
1/2 Price Burgers Illini BBall at Noon $2 Kamikazes $2 Red Headed Sluts
$2.50 Import Bottles
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Jager Bowl Sunday Win a Jager Tap Machine and other huge prizes with our free squares board $2 Jager Bombs $2 Miller/Coor's Pints
$2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts
80's NIGHT! $1.50 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Wells NO COVER
1/2 Price Any Sandwich $2 RBV's Monday Night Joe's
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
1/2 Price Burgers Tequila Tuesday at the 8th Grade Dance $1 Tequila & Jello Shots $2 Blue Moons
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Come Get Your Waffle Fries Wednesdays Only Bombs Away Wednesdays with DJ John Han and 3AM Nation! 3 DJ's spinning at the same time all night long Check out videos on FB!
$3 Strong Islands
SUN 2/06
DOWNTOWN
KAM'S
The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (After 6pm)
SUN: SUPERBOWL BASH! $2 U CALL IT Lite & Wells Raffles and Prizes Free Nacho Bar! Brats & Dogs! Party Starts at 4PM!
MONDAY: $2 All Bottles including imports $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!"
MON: Global Draft Night! $6 Pitchers (Bud, Miller & Coors Lt.) $2 Bacardi Single Mixers & Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Jim Beam & Pinnacle Doubles
Friday, Feb 11th Hoodie Allen Heaven & Hell Tour Live at The Red Lion! Tickets are on sale now www.RedLionChampaign.com
THURS: SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT
SPECIAL NIGHT
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
BUD BAR ROOM GIVEAWAYS $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $2.50 UV Vodka & Bam $2.50 Bacardi Drinks
School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles
Bud Live Music Series CoCo Butter Kids Performing Live! $1 Old Man Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Amaretto
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
WED 2/02
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Klub Kams DJ HAN! $2.50 UV & Bam $2 Lite Bottles, $2 Wine $2.50 Trader Vics All Energy Music!
Logo Glass Night $2 Refills $2 Bacardi Drinks
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $6.75 Pitchers Killians & Honey Brown $2 Pinnacle Vodka & Jim Beam Singles $2 Burst Shots $4 Bacardi Doubles
SHACKER NIGHT with DJs Milk N Cookies $5 Shackers $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $3 SoCo Lime Shots $2 Bud Light Bottles SoCo Girls 11pm
SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT
THURS 2/03
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
Captain Morgan Party! $2.50 Captain $3 Smirnoff, $3 Cuervo $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles $6 Lite Pitchers Pre-Tennis Party 3-6 Food, Prizes, & Shuttle
$2 Miller Lite Bottles $4 Neon 99s $2 Pickleback Shots $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover
$2 Pints Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $7 Pitchers Killians/Honey Brown $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout $4.50 Skyy Vodka and Wild Turkey Doubles $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Bacardi Jager Girls 11pm
Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!
FRI 2/04
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
ABSOLUT ILLINI! IL at NW - Noon $2 Lite Bottles $3 Absolut & Bam $3 Bloody Marys
$2 Coors Light Bottles $4 Neon 99s $2 Pickleback Shots $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover
$2 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $7 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout $4.50 Bacardi & Jim Beam Doubles $2.50 Burst Shots
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey Absolut Vodka Promo 11pm
Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More
SAT 2/05
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells
SUPERBOWL BASH! $2 U CALL IT Lite & Wells Raffles and Prizes Free Nacho Bar! Brats & Dogs! Party Starts at 4PM!
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Any Draft $2 Bacardi Drinks
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2 Well Mixers & Burst Shots $4 Wild Turkey & Skyy Vodka Doubles
Book your next party or event at the Clybourne Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)
SUN 2/06
$1.50 High Life Drafts!
1, 2, 3 NIGHT! $1 Wells and Drafts $2 Bottles and Energy Drinks $3 Pitchers
$2 All Bottles including imports $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!"
Global Draft Night! $5 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Captain Morgan Doubles
$1 U CALL IT'S (Wells & Domestic Drafts) $3 Bud Light Pitchers $1 Sauza Silver Tequila Shots $2 UV Vodka & Red Bull DJ Marshmallow Live Sauza Girls 11pm
BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)
MON 2/07
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)
COUNTRY NIGHT! $3.25 Double Beam Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts
Ride the Rail! $2 Draft Pints 2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!
$1.50 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.00 Bacardi Singles & Burst Shots $4.00 Pinnacle Vodka and Jim Beam Doubles
$2 Skyy Vodka $2 Wild Turkey $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Goose Island 312 Drafts $2 UV Vodka & Red Bull
CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)
TUES 2/08
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
BUD BAR ROOM GIVEAWAYS $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $2.50 UV Vodka & Bam $2.50 Bacardi Drinks
School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles
Bud Live Music Series Haben and Company Performing Live! $1 Old Man Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Amaretto
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
WED 2/09
14
www.theblacksheeponline.com
On Fugliness and the C-Word Xin wrote this
If you're a guy who's finished puberty, you've been called a creeper at some point in your life. Grind your dick against a girl at Red Lion's? Creeper. Said “Hi” to a girl you recognize from class? Creeper. Looked at a girl's publicly available Facebook photo? Super-creeper, you creepy sonofabitch. If you haven't figured it out by now, here's what's going on when you've been labeled a creeper. First of all, you've broken one of the three most important rules of the game: 1. Be Handsome 2. Be Attractive 3. Don't be Unattractive.
Shame on you. And now her woman-brain is busy perceiving whatever you've just done as a display of sexual interest towards her, preparing for the next step- shooting you down. It's healthy for a woman's ego to be validated once in a while (or all the time for the daddy-wasn't-there types), but they'd prefer it from guys who don't look like eight gallons of ugly stuffed into a three gallon ugly bag. A woman labeling you this magical word is a quick and effective way of asserting her superiority over you regardless of whether or not she enjoyed the attention. It's true, sometimes a guy really is being creepy, but like life itself and most things in it, this once convenient word is being ruined by the only demographic more useless than old people- Ugly Girls. When a hot girl calls you a creeper, she's right because hot girls have standards, and let’s face it, you wern’t even in her league. Join a real frat. As soon as you're gone, she'll be all “omigod what a creeper!” to her friends, and we all know that hot girls ALWAYS have ugly friends. It's because of them that we have the word 'Ignore' . They're like invisible-but-still-repulsive shit particles that cling to your ass-hairs after what you thought was the last wipe, just waiting for the occasion to demean you and make sure their message is heard: “Yeah, we know you hate us. But fuck you, we'll make sure you know we're here, even if we have to make everything shitty.”
And now they've finally caught on to this fad unfashionably late, just like when white people started doing the two step while everyone else was getting silly, or when Hitler started hating the Jews when everyone knows Pharoah was all up on that shit like 4000 years ago. The dangerous void of validation and self-esteem is only intensified when Ugs, or 'Fugs' if you will, are near their “Creeper!”-spouting hot friends (which is always, because they'd be invisible in any other situation). Armed with absolutely jack shit else, Fugs are ready to perceive damn near any action from a guy as a display of sexual interest towards them, and label the guy a CREEPER!!11! This kind of self-esteem boosting maneuver isn't the 3rd grade bully picking on scrawny kids, it's Wil E Coyote trying to propel himself off of falling rocks to get back on the cliff he's fallen from when really, what's the point? You're 50 pounds away from being able to score any decent cock, so just keep falling you fucking coyote. The only solution to this nonsense is to let the fire burn itself out. If you're getting angry at a fug for validating itself, you might as well get mad at the sky for being blue or a turd for smelling like shit. It's just what they do, and it's never personal. Linguistic memes come and go, and this one will soon enough be replaced by another.
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S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH
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17
16
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bartenders
WEEK
of the
Major: Civil Engineering Relationship status:
Major: Kinesiology Relationship Status:
Taken, sorry ladies
Married and Looking
Shotgun, Kegstand, Bong, or Straight Chug?
Good beer or shitty wine?
Good beer
One after the next!
What kind? Schlitz Favorite drink to make?
Favorite TV Show? The Real
Housewives of Orange County
Sex with Jake
What celebrity would you most like to bone? Lindsey
Favorite drink to drink?
Green kool-aid
Lohen (Mean Girls era)
If you could create a holiday, what would it be?
Worst sexual experience?
Let’s just say ants like chocolate sauce
Barscramble Saturday
How often do You black out? Twice a day What’s the worst pickup like you’ve ever heard/ used? That shirt is very
Best place to hook up?
Geo’s back room
Best song to give/receive a lap dance to? Bad Touch by
The Bloodhound gang
becoming on you, but if i were on you, I’d be coming too.
Favorite day-drinking activity? Scaling my
Best place to hook up?
apartment building after Louisville Chugger
The Armpit
Favorite bar food?
$1 Fish tacos
Porn name?
The Razmanian Devil
Superpower?
Amanda Burns White Horse
Never be able to smell my four male roommates ever again Favorite sex position? 69
What celebrity would you most like to punch?
Drew Barrymore
Blue Rug Do you have a blue rug? Well, play this game on that blue rug! What You Need: Cards’n’booze. Number of Players: Two.
Intoxication Level: You’ll get really drunk really fast, but isn’t that the point?
How to Play: - A card is placed in front of one player, first card does nothing. A card is then placed in front of the other player. - If the 2 cards match both players take ten drinks. If the cards are one apart (king to queen, 6 to 7, etc.) both players take 5 drinks; 4 drinks for 2 apart, 3 for 3 apart, 2 for 4 apart, and 1 for 5 apart. - Players take turns flipping cards until they are all gone. The Game Ends When: You and your one friend are rolling each other up in the blue rug and shouting “Look, a blue burrito!!!”
Sunday Funday!
Josh Rasmussen
Celebrity to party with?
Geovanti's
What reality show would you be on?
Hugh Heffner of course
America’s Next Top Model
er: t s a s Di r o f e Recip Popcorn Chicken Sandwich Chicken sandwiches are almost too healthy to be drunk or stoned food. Up your caloric intake by getting righteous on some breaded popcorn chicken…on bread.
What You Need: Bread, frozen popcorn chicken, cheese, barbecue sauce or gravy. Cook Time: 10 Minutes Fatty Factor: Hey, you need to carb load for that marathon you’re running when you’re 50.
Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare the popcorn chicken as suggested on the packaging. - Note: microwaving it is easily the worst option, but it’s also the fastest. If you choose to bake the chicken, prep time is significantly longer. - While the chicken is being prepared, place the cheese on the bread and warm in a toaster oven. - When the chicken is done, place it on the bread. - Douse the sandwich on the sauce of your choice, though we recommend barbecue sauce or gravy. - Eat that sandwich. Bathroom Aftermath: Let’s just call it diarrhea surprise.
Sexy Time
Sandwiches
Indian
Studying
Tail-Gate
Soups
Italian
Hangover
drinking games
Best night to bartend?
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Review
17
THE
PAGE
BOOZE REVIEW
mixer center
Southern Comfort Lime GRADE: B+
History Southern Comfort was invented in 1988, the same year Quinn was born. The difference is SoCo was developed in New Orleans while Quinn was born to a back alley hooker in a slightly wo rse back alley than his hooker-mom usually hung out in. SoCo Lime feels like a good addition to the SoCo family; Quinn was only added as a way for his family to get some tax breaks, thus explaining why Quinn has such an innate ability to never feel wanted. It’s probably why he drinks everyone’s booze all the time and picks up certain people’s new iPods even when they say “please don’t touch my iPod, I just bought it”.
with coke A With the tears of regret that your girlfriend is gone CWith a good friend B With Quinn F+
ˇˇ
Typical Drinkers This lame guy Quinn, small wieners, jerks, douches, jags, fucks, Gary Busey, Quinn’s brother Nniuq, who is also a lame.
User Comments “Hey, guys, sometimes I get curious about my sexuality. Oh, can I try some SoCo Lime?!” “Listen, I’m soooooo sorry, but I broke your iPod. I’ll get your girlfriend to help me clean it up.” “WOOOOOOOOOO! I ammmm so drunk! And I’ve never satisfied a woman!”
Conclusion The ONE drink I made of SoCo Lime was great. It was smooth, mixed well with soda, and wasn’t overtly sweet. Unfortunately that was the only drink I enjoyed of this alcohol. Quinn had other plans. Perhaps SoCo Lime seemed good only because it was up against Quinn’s homophobic, racist behavior, but I doubt it. Quinn has a habit of bringing everything around him down so it’s impressive that the SoCo Lime still managed to look tasty. If I had one recommendation, I’d say not to drink it straight. If I had two recommendations, I’d say make sure to get a warranty on any new iPod you buy.
ˇ ˇ
Introduction So we decided to test out this new spin-off of Southern Comfort this week, Southern Comfort Lime. I purchased it along with my new iPod at that new electronics/liquor store. I figured I’d let my friend Quinn enjoy it with me since he is a notorious alcoholic and also likes to look at new iPods. Sure, Quinn is known for his butterfingers, but it was, like, whatever; I figured we would just not let him hold stuff. If I had a chance to think about how he might drink all the SoCo Lime, break my iPod, and steal my girlfriend, I might have reconsidered offering an invitation.
TOP 10
18
Early signs that the rest of your semester will suck
10.
Dropped a class: Whether or not you went from 18 hours to 15, or stooped down to the bare minimum of being considered a student, dropping classes is BAD. And I’ll tell you why for all you superstitious fucks out there: Dropping a class is the equivalent to stepping on a sidewalk crack, except it won’t break your mother’s back. It will turn you into an underachieving asshole, and it’s a foreshadowing of your failing the rest of your classes. Call me crazy, but the statistics are like 1 out of every 4.
9.
Puked more than three times: It’s understandable that you’ve vomited once or twice, maybe the first weekend back at school after drinking a handle of vodka out of pure excitement, but more than three times? This could only mean thing: your drinking abilities are going downhill from here on out. What’s that one saying? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me…? That really has nothing to do with anything, but you see the point.
8.
Gave someone your notes: It’s been less than two weeks of real school and you’re already pawning off your notes. Not very slick, Rick. Now whoever it is that you loaned your notes to is going to expect you to do this for every single class. And he is going to tell other people. Before you know it, you’ll be toting three to four i-Clickers along with you and your tired body to your 9am while your classmates get the privilege of staying home and watching Maury re-runs all day.
Where are they now?
Sid From Toy Story
Mike, Ben’s Son! wrote this
I have spent the past 15 years of my life searching for the man known as Sid Phillips. Now in his mid-thirties, Sid has spent the majority of his life as a recluse. Not much is known about Sid after his appearance in the famous Toy Story movies. However, after years of searching, I’ve finally found him. Sid currently resides in a psychiatric ward just outside of Kansas City. I, just like the rest of the world, was eager to hear the full story, so I arranged an interview with Sid to finally answer our questions.
The Black Sheep: Sid, before we begin our interview, I would just like to tell you how much we at The Black Sheep appreciate your giving us your time. Sid: (Pause)
TBS: Um, Sid, is everything all right? Sid: (Pause)
TBS: Hey guys, you might want to come check on Sid, I think he...
With these words, Sid let out a blood-curdling scream and jumped out of his chair. When the guard came to suppress him, Sid bit off his ear and began to speak some sort of gibberish as his eyes rolled in the back of his head. Finally, a nurse entered the room and sedated Sid with a blow dart. A week later we were ready to re-try the interview.
TBS: Sid, everybody is eager to know what happened to you
after that fateful day with Woody.
At the mention of Woody, Sid sits up straight in his chair with a look of terror on his face.
TBS: You immediately fell off the map after the filming of Toy Story, only to re-appear in this psych ward. We need you to fill in the holes for us. Sid waits a moment, considers, then lights up a cigarette and begins his story.
Sid: All right. I will admit that I was a troubled child. I would spend all day mutilating my sister’s toys and then all night at the arcade in Pizza Planet smoking weed and playing Whacka-Mole. I understand that it isn’t normal, but what’s a kid to do when his father sits in front of the TV all day watching Buzz Lightyear commercials and his mom allows him to detonate explosions unsupervised in his backyard? And this went on for a while until one night I was videotaped breaking into a mall and eating all of the Care Bear hearts. The judge decided I was unsafe to put in a prison, and so here I am. And you know what? I like it here. When I’m here I’m safe from them. Like that ear-biting stunt I pulled last week, I only do stuff like that so that they will keep me here, also that guard was an asshole. TBS: Holy shit.
And so that concluded our interview with Sid. As a token of our gratitude for the interview, we gave him a surprise gift in the form of a Woody doll placed securely under his pillow.
7.
Slipped on the ice that resulted in a trip to the hospital: I once knew a girl that fell in the beginning of a cold, snowy semester and broke both her elbows. Couldn’t write papers, couldn’t go out, couldn’t give hand jobs. Needless to say, she was never the same again. In fact, I haven’t seen her since. Just vanished. Moral of the story? If something similar to this poor soul’s situation has already happened to you, well then, sayonara.
6.
Gained weight: Of course you hear all about the “freshman fifteen” or whatever, but I thought you knew better by now. Especially if you’re not even a freshman anymore. Not to mention, the holidays just ended, if anything you should be sick of eating cookies, dammit! Good luck getting laid or doing anything else worthwhile for the rest of the semester.
5.
Lost weight: Actually, losing weight is worse in a situation like this, because it probably means you’re ill. Let’s be honest, it’s easy to gain mad pounds in a couple weeks. But if you’ve already lost a significant amount of weight, then you should be worried and maybe book yourself an appointment with a specialist. (I’m not just talking about weighing yourself after you use the bathroom. What? I never do that. I was just pointing it out.)
4.
Caught an STD: Already had to make the embarrassing trip to the ever-friendly sexual health doctors at McKinley, huh? Ouch, that burns. Pun intended... but uh, yeah that sucks. You should get that taken care of ASAP and probably be more careful for the rest of semester, you know, like not black out and have sex with strangers in bathrooms. Unless it’s one of thooooose ones you can’t get rid of, in which case, simply lock yourself in your room.
3.
Shit your pants: It doesn’t really matter how or when you shit your pants, but the fact that it’s so soon in the semester is a bad omen. Students tend to crap themselves during midterms or finals, or when graduation is suddenly approaching seniors. You may have eaten some spoiled crawfish, or maybe ingested too many burritos in one sitting, but I guarantee that there was a toilet or at least a private nook within walking distance at the moment. So, really, no excuses here.
2.
Banned from a drinking establishment: It is way too early in the game for this kind of nonsense. Getting kicked out of bars is like a drug; the thrill and excitement you feel the moment you get thrown out of the doors by a couple of “bouncers” is unlike any other. Pretty soon you won’t even be allowed to step foot on Green Street. And then, what’s the point of living?
1.
Accidentally killed an animal: They say that sometimes getting a pet signifies new beginnings. Often times, people recovering from various addictions are told that once they’re able to successfully take care of a pet, they’ll be able to take care of themselves. So, say you decided to buy a hamster as a symbol of a new and lively semester. Well, if that pet is no longer living, then I’d say that’s a pretty bad sign. Good luck.
Nieman wrote this
19
continued from cover story... I have foreseen knowledge that the players are merely holograms on the field while powerful men sitting above the stadium control their very moves. The game, like Mother Gaia’s fatecircle, is pre-determined and we the audience are merely pawns in their neo-capitalist scheme. If you question me you must know you are wrong. Look at the end of the game. They already have the hats made for the winners. You tell me how they do that. TELL ME! The men sitting in the boxes above the arena act God, show mercy to none, and control the barbarians fighting for their lives. I cannot begin to tell you how serious this game is. The men in the boxes will continue their mind control, and soon control your mind. They will have you buying Super Bowl paraphernalia, drinking Budweiser and eating Papa John’s. For weeks following you will be watching the same analysis, the same highlights, the same backwards knowledge that will keep you from stepping outside the lines of false knowledge and into the Brotherhod of De Facto Lifefinders . And if you don’t watch the game you can consider yourself disemboweled and hung from the bridges of your respective hometowns. I know because they once controlled my mind. How did I break free you ask? I hid my socks. You will know why in the near future. I have seen the light. LIGHT, Living In Gods Heavenly Thoughts. First I must warn you, When you get lost in your imaginatory vagueness your foresight will become a nimble vagrant. But I know he once had a plan for us all, but aban-
doned us in Grandma’s basement with windup toys that don’t work and dirty t-shirts that taste like blood. Do you understand me, butthorn? Do not be scared. Fear is the dark room where the Devil develops his negatives. Listen to me, are you listening to me? Look into the seriousness of my retinas. Do you see them contracting and expanding like the unbound portal of serenity twisting through the black nothingness that is our universe? What makes up 99 percent of our bodies? Hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen. What makes up 99 percent of the universe? Hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen. We are everything and we are nothing, we don’t run through the universe, the universe runs through us. If you watch the game this weekend limit how many senses you are exposing to the brainwash. For the first quarter watch the game on mute, the second only listen on the radio, the third sit in a darkened room and smell, and during the fourth quarter only receive information about the game through a chain of three people. This will break down the communication and limit the amount of exposure you have to the media of mass destruction. Students, this is your warning. Yours, Uncle Busey
Send. Send. SEND! SEND GOD DAMMIT COMPUTER I WILL PULL YOUR ENDOCRINE SYSTEM OUT OF YOUR BODY SENNNNNNDDDD!!!!
"Drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling"- Gary Busey
20
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the movie page
to t h g u Bro . . . y b u yo 126 W. Church St. - Downtown Champaign
“Best Place to See a Movie” Buzz’s Best of C-U, 2010
K=100
Based on the Trailer
The RITE C=35 M=60 Y=60 K=100
quinn saw this and gave it a...
Director:
Mikael Håfström
The Roommate
Starring:
Colin O'Donoghue, Anthony Hopkins and Ciarán Hinds
Feb. 4th
Synopsis:
Starring: Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Cam Gigandet
What You Need to Know: There’s a bunch of colleges, there’s a bunch of people who could be your roommate. And there’s a chance that that person is a huge emotionally unstable crazy bitch, so watch your drinks ya’ll. What We Think: Leighton Meester is a cutie, so we’re already hooked. This movie has an interesting premise that could play out in a totally unoriginal way. Like, “Ooh, the girl with all the money never had love as a child so she clings to people and then becomes a huge obsessive creep.” Been there, done that, yawn.
Just Go With It
Feb. 11th
Starring: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Brooklyn Decker
What You Need to Know: It's the same as so many movies in the world, we can't even describe it, but we'll try. Sandler lies to a very hot girl, to convince her he isn't lying, he makes up a crazy tale involving Jennifer Aniston. What We Think: Is there really plausible? Does Adam Sandler (who is pushing 50, we're guessing) really have a shot at a girl like Brooklyn Decker? No way in hell, not even in his Billy Madison days could he pull this kind of tail.
C+
An American priest travels to Rome to diddle spirits out of people.
K=0
Apparently this is a true story, and the priests involved are alive and exorcising today. I should tell you that if you see this movie and consider yourself nonreligious, it will probably make you question that decision. Which leads me to believe that maybe it is not a true story, or not completely true, and that maybe the Vatican paid a bunch of money to claim it as a true story thus inviting more people back to religion. But that’s just my twisted take on reality, instead of accepting that the events truly happened and God and Satan are consistently and invisibly waging war for the hearts and souls of men every damn day. I saw this movie for Anthony Hopkins, because the always-truthful TV said The Rite was his best performance since Hannibal. I would probably agree. Having said that, Hopkins isn’t even the lead actor, that honor goes to Colin O’Donoghue, who plays Michael Kovak, the lonely son of a mortician-come-sharpshootin’ exorcist. Like many of us college kids, poor Michael was given two choices on his future: become a priest or become a mortician. He chooses to outsmart everyone by going to priest-school then just dropping out to pursue a career in, say, lookin’ cool.
on DVD
Exorcist Movies!!!!
Anyway, Michael turns out to be pretty talented and seemingly has “what it takes” to become an exorcist, so the main priest refuses his resignation from priesthood and sends him to take a short class on exorcists in Rome. This is where he meets Anthony Hopkins, and the movie goes from being just okay to a little bit better than okay. Hopkins plays Father Lucas Trevant, who is basically Hannibal Lecter if he became a priest. He’s old, wise, weathered, witty and unorthodox. You immediately jump into the action with Father Trevant, as a young pregnant woman is possessed. This first scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie, as the tension builds to something spooky so if you haven’t already grabbed the clammy hand of the girl next to you, this is a good time to do so. So ole’ preggers goes nuts and starts saying things that she wouldn’t otherwise know, and the young skeptical Michael is all like “whoa, maybe God and the Devil and little baby Jesus really do exist, and maybe the upcoming events of this movie/my life will put my skepticism to the test.” And boy does it! The demons start saying more things, quoting his girlfriend and other things, and it turns out that, for
reasons that I never really understood, this demon has a personal agenda to possess or kill or do something to Michael. None of this is really explained, besides the fact that maybe the demon just wanted Michael’s soul because he questioned his faith, but then I don’t know why he wouldn’t just go after any old jamoke on the street. In any case, this seems like your normal run-ofthe-mill exorcist movie, you get a skeptic, an old guy, a hot reporter (played by Alice Braga) who doesn’t really affect the plot at all besides to portray of her real-life albeit male counterpart Matt Boglia. Then you get some creepy effects, throw in some cats and toads and a red-eyed horse and badabing-badabang you’ve got a nice lookin’ exorcist flick on your hands. In the end, Michael admits that he believes in God, gets the demon to say his name (for some reason this banishes the demon back to hell) and then continues to practice exorcisms in Chicago today. Which, I am still convinced, all comes back to my theory that this movie is a ploy by the Vatican to get smart, strong, sometimes-witty but always handsome critics such as myself to jump back in the church or even better, priest school.
answers are a few pages from here
February 1st Let Me In Never Let Me Go Conviction Monsters
February 8th You Again Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 Red The Social Network
Patrick Fabian played the lead role in “The Last Exorcism.” He got his start, though, playing an iconic professor in which 90’s spin off show?
On the movie poster for “Poltergeist,” what is the phrase the little girl touching the tv screen say?
Jennifer Carpenter, who played Emily Rose in “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” is now one of the lead actresses on which popular Showtime show?
Between the original film release in 1973 and the Director’s Cut re-release in 2000, how much money has “The Exorcist” made?
21
www.theblacksheeponline.com
The Black Sheep Interviews: Hoodie Allen Hoodie Allen is just like you, only if you were very, very talented. The up-and-coming rapper recently quit his job at Google to dedicate himself to music, and his mix tape, Pep Rally, is actually why the internet blew up in Egypt. He’s playing a live show at The Red Lion on Friday, February 11th. We caught up with him before that, obviously. The Black Sheep: So first, a little background. When did TBS: You’re big into social media, can you talk about you start making music? how that lets you interact with fans? Hoodie: It’s great. I mean, I keep a Facebook, a Twitter, Hoodie Allen: Well I’m 22 now, but I’ve been writing music since I was, like, 12, so I’ve had a passion for doing it for a my own personal Facebook page, a lot of stuff. It’s a great way to interact with fans and to let them know that I care. while. In the past six months or the past year or whatever I respond to every message and every tweet. It’s really I’ve been getting a lot more attention, though. It allows a much bigger platform for reaching people. important to be able to grow your fan base by interacting with them. TBS: So did you start doing traditional stuff like piano or trumpet, or was it rap TBS: We’re doing this interview because There are more than 26 milHoodie recently you’re playing a live show in Champaign from the beginning? lion porn sites on 2/11. If someone comes to your show, Hoodie: I played piano and a little guitar graduated from when I was younger, but I’ve always been a what should they expect? Penn. His real person who writes music, I’ve always been a Hoodie: It’s a lot of fun. It’s a high-energy, dancy hip-hop show. You can just come writer. I’ve been writing music since before I name is Steven out, have a good time, listen to some really knew why I was writing music. great music. You’ll be a better person by the TBS: Then what’s your current approach Markowitz. end of the day; your parents will love you to making music? more for coming to this concert. Hoodie: It’s a really collaborative process between me and my producer RJF. You DID YOU KNOW TBS: Can you talk about some of the pros and cons of touring? know, I’ll listen to music I enjoy and I’ll Hoodie: I’ve really fallen in love with touring recently. It’s come at him and say, “hey, I think this would be good on a been a fast process in terms of getting those opportunities song,” and we’ll try to make it work. Pep Rally was a really and living that lifestyle. The pros are everything, from having collaborative process like that. fans in front of you, mouthing the words back at you, to TBS: So what have you been listening to lately? converting new fans on the spot. Sharing a really unique Hoodie: I’ve been listening to a lot of indie pop lately. experience- every live show is different- is great. The only Everything from James Blake to Mark Ronson. Kanye West downside is the grind, but I love that grind, it keeps me has been my hip-hop staple lately. I’m into Arcade Fire, and motivated. Florence and the Machine, too.
music
2
Jurassic 5 Super Bowl Sundae
3
Madonna Super Pop
4
Devo Super Cop
5
Rick James Superfreak
6
Radiohead Super Collider
7
The Carpenters The Super Star
8
Soul Coughing Super Bon Bon
9
Kid Cudi Super Boo
10 Wavves Super Soaker 11 MGMT Super Volcano 12 ABBA Super Trooper 13 Morphine Super Sex 14 Gogol Bordello Super Taranta! 15 Beastie Boys Super Disco Breakin’ 16 Big Pun Super Lyrical 17 Lenny Kravitz Super Soul Fighter
Now that’s what I call drunk music.
Tweens dig compilation albums for a variety of psychologically fucked up reasons. They have attention deficit disorder, not to state the obvious, so an album that has different types of songs all together is key to tween enjoyment. Tweens are also brats and don’t want to listen to songs they don’t know and only listen to the ones that they hear on the radio. Tweens are also sluts-in-a-cage, waiting to be freed, so of course they like mainstream songs that tell you to drop it low, to shake it and chug your drink until the bottom of the glass is up, to love people who lie to you. We all know what the “Now That’s What I Call Music!” series is because we all bought the first couple versions when we were inadvertent skanky tweens, and of course loved them immensely. Alas we’ve all gotten older, the internet has evolved, illegally downloading music somehow became quasi-legal, blah, blah, blah. So when I went to look at the track list for the 37th version it was like looking into a Lisa Frank coloring book. I was confused and anxious feeling, blinded by the zany spellings of artists, the abbreviations, the $, the z’s. I was like, “Nope, I don’t know any of these songs because I only like music that has emotional meaning to it and/or a relevant buzz around the band.” But upon listening to the tracks, everything came flashing back to me like the memories of blacking out right before a fateful final tequila shot. Ah yes, it’s all coming vaguely back to me now. Okay, so “Like a G6” was the song I was bobbing my head to while waiting for the bartender! Yes, I have danced like no one’s watching after a Four Loko and two pitchers to “Hey Baby (Drop It to the Floor).” I have shamefully gotten blacked out, bruised up drunk to Ke$ha. “Now That’s What I Call Music! Volume 37” is just one gigantic flashback to a terrible, terrible Saturday night out
D
others
at a trashy bar. So this is what skanky tweens are listening to these days? Makes sense. The album starts off with an edited version of Eminem (when did he become such a pussy?) and Rihanna’s “Love the Way You Lie,” a popular song back in September/ October I believe but nonetheless a good one for pathetic stage-five clingers at the bar. Ke$ha's back yet again, rolling around in glitter and mud, for the fantastical “We R Who We R” which essentially means ‘Tweens, you can b whoevr u want to b and let whoevr u want to cum on yr chest.” The Ready Set is a totally unknown loser band who is apparently sort of Caribbean with “Love Like Woe,” in which I don’t think tweens understand the play-on-words that these crafty sons of bitches wrote up, so kudos, I guess. In between these songs is a blur of sounds that I’m unsure of if they are actually songs or just “filler noise.” Besides from the shining star “Whip My Hair,” this entire album is like puking up fruity liquor and confetti, with too many wacky names and inauthentic pines for love and crappy Autotune and brainwashing. But what I’ve found most profound in all of this is the behavior conditioning tweens experience while listening to this music; that their listening to party music as a tween turns them into hard partying 20-something college students getting trashed in various public establishments. I guess you can take the tween out of the music, but you can never take the music out of the tween. Sounds Like: The music unhappy housewives with bratty tweens listen to. Download: You probably have them all, but “Whip My Hair” Listen to It When: You’re blacked out.
The Party Ain't Over - Wanda Jackson Ventriloquizzing - Fujiya & Miyagi Cold War Kids – Mine Is Yours Kiss Each Other Clean - Iron & Wine
ˇ
Nicki Minaj Super Bass
Out Now
Now That’s What I Call Music! Volume 37
It's Super! 1
TBS: Assuming your success continues to grow, are there things you want to do that you can’t do now? Hoodie: I’m never really satisfied, so yeah, there are some secret things I’ve like to cross off my 2011 checklist. Maybe it’s going to a certain place on tour, or working with a similar artist. TBS: So, what’s your favorite fast food? Hoodie: Five Guys is my shit. TBS: What’s your favorite and least favorite Michael Cera movie? Hoodie: Superbad is my favorite, I know it’s clichéd, but it just is. My least favorite is Year One, I couldn’t make it through 20 minutes of that movie. Cera was dope in Zombieland too. Just kidding. TBS: And your drink of choice? Hoodie: After a show, Poland Spring water. After that, Jack Daniel’s.
ˇ
?
brendan wrote this
Cloud Nothings - Cloud Nothings Content - Gang of Four There Are Rules - The Get Up Kids Deerhoof Vs. Evil- Deerhoof
THE SUPER BOWL DRINKING GAME
When the Announcers: During the Halftime Show: Drink 1 when they call a QB their first name.
Drink 1 for every chorus repetition.
Drink 2 when talking about either team’s
Drink 2 for each new song.
history.
Drink 3 for every surprise guest.
Drink 3 when they compliment the stadium.
Drink 4 when Fergie gets her eagle on.
Drink 3 when they cut to a sideline reporter.
Drink 10 if that weird Asian guy actually
Chug a beer if they mention Brett fuckin’
does anything.
Farve.
When the Team You’re Rooting For:
Drink Drink Drink Drink Drink
1 for each completed pass. 2 for any first down. 3 for any field goal they make. 6 for any touchdown. 10 for any trick play tried.
Drink 2 for any sack. Drink 3 for any turnover.. Drink 3 for any penality. Drink 10 for any defensive TD. Finish your beer on a safety.
In Your Place:
During the Commercials: Drink 2 for every beer commercial.
Drink 1 whenever someone goes to pee.
Drink 2 for every babe.
Drink 2 for every Roethlisberger joke.
Drink 3 for every movie trailer.
Drink 3 when something is spilled.
Drink 3 for an intentionally unfunny com-
Drink 5 if someone complains about the
mercial.
Bears.
Drink 6 for every animal or baby that talks.
Drink 8 when someone asks for the score.
Occupation:
Danny Tanner Danny Bonaduce Danny DeVito Danny Trejo
City courthouse Jail courthouse Post-apocalyptic underground cave Las Vegas
Floor Buffer Buffet Waiter McGruff the Crime Dog Impersonator Fluffer
Wife:
Wedding entree:
couples pastime:
Sarah Jessica Parker Sarah Palin Sarah McLachlan Sarah Michelle Gellar
Kosher ham Yak tenderloin Chex mix Blended duck
Alligator hunters Cornbread enthusiasts Snuff film indexers Tax auditors
how you met:
Pet:
transportation:
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Two-headed dog Rattle-less rattlesnake Purple cow An old person
Hoverboard Flying car Reverse helicopter Space camel
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Movie Quiz
wedding Location:
1. Saved By The Bell: The College Years 2. “They’re Here” 3. Dexter 4. Roughly $513 million
Husband:
( class time )
Answers
MASH
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