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Inside 05 A Single Girl’s
Valentine’s Day:
Anything’s better than crying yourself to sleep over ice cream, ladies
Tandem Lovers Carly Anne wrote this
10 We Hate People Who
Hate V-Day:
Stop being such a hater, and maybe you’ll get some
24 Valentine’s Day Cards: Give them to the person you truly care about want to bang
Dear Campus, I am in love with a man whom I’ve never met before. And the more comfortable I’ve been with talking about my love, the more I’ve realized he’s sort of a local celebrity. You’ve all seen him before, probably without taking much notice, without realizing he is the love of my life. He is the single man on the tandem bicycle. That’s right, folks, my heart breaks for this lone wolf in a bike gang of one. He rides his tandem bicycle all around the quad and up and down Wright Street with the greatest of pride, oblivious to how sad he looks riding his tandem bicycle alone. Seriously, can you think of anything more lonely looking than a person riding a tandem bicycle alone? Just braving the world with an empty bicycle seat acting as a constant reminder of his loneliness. Every time I see him riding by (which I’ve been shocked to see recently what with all the snow and horrible weather – seems he’s got some snow tires for that tandem bicycle) I just want to jump on to the back of his bicycle and have him ride me off into the sunset while the bells of Altgeld chime our love. What is your name Tandem Bicycle Man? I hope that it is Chester. Do not question why. I can only imagine what you look like – you ride your bike so fast that you are only a blur – I believe you have a moustache, the Groucho Marx kind, so that your kisses make me ticklish.I also envision you own a cat but really are a dog person, you just couldn’t get one because your building only allows cats or small dogs and small dogs are really lame. Where have you and your tandem bicycle traveled? I imagine that you drive so fast you can skim over waters, allowing you to cross oceans and travel the world. This probably means your Facebook is really sophisticated and you quote Socrates and Gandhi in your favorite quotes section. I like Gandhi. This could work. I know you’ve had your heart broken before, Chester. Nobody buys a tandem bicycle alone. What happened? Are you widowed? Did she leave you for a polygamist with several bicycle seats for all his women? You don’t care – you ride your tandem bicycle unabashed, you don’t care what people must think of you, how they all seem to sing “One Is the Loneliest Number” whenever you ride by. It doesn’t bother you – you’re just happy to have loved. That’s why
you’re so worldly. So, campus, my loyal readers, I’m counting on you to help me. I have professed my undying love for Chester and enough is enough. I’m sick of dreaming of my man, I want the reality. Even if he turns out to be a douchey pretentious hipster who just rides a tandem bicycle alone to be ironic, I don’t care! I love him. He is the Romeo to my Juliet. The Darcy to my Elizabeth.The Ken to my Barbie. So here’s the plan to make him fall wildly in love with me (and I did not steal this idea from a movie staring Drew Barrymore that might be called Never Been Kissed – did NOT). At noon on Valentine’s Day I will be standing in the center of the quad wearing nothing but a bicycle helmet. If Chester reads this and likes what he sees, then I would like to kindly request you meet me there. I would also like to request you were nothing but your tandem bicycle as I would feel less awkward in the buff if you were in the buck as well. Plus, it’s best we know exactly what we’re getting ourselves into so there are no disappointments in the future. But that is up to you. Campus, in case Chester does not read this we need to hunt him down. I refuse to stand in the center of the quad with nothing but my birthday suit only to be stood up because Chester never got my love. Don’t let that happen to me. Find him and DRAG him to the damn quad if need be – I will not spend another Valentine’s Day alone, and I know Chester is tired of being alone too. Now, I leave you with some of the many Valentines I made for Chester: Roses are red. Violets are Blue. A tandem bicycle Was made for two. May I ride with you? You’ve left your tire marks across my heart. What do you get when two unicycles make love? Our tandem bicycle.
In This Issue
09: Russell Stover Chocolates: Now, for losers!
14: Seinfeld: A XXX Parody:
We watch porn for you! No, seriously, we didn’t even jack it!
18: Top 10
Ways not to get laid on Valentine’s Day.
21: Ben & Vesper:
We talk to a married couple of musicians.
04: Dear Hallmark:
Why won’t you print our Valentine’s Day cards?
17: Booze Review
It has a long name but tastes alright...read on to know more!
06: A Second Look at Valentine’s Day: Roses are red, but why?
18: Valentine’s Day Bailout Ideas: Some tips and tricks to not get kicked in the nuts for being lame.
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16: Drinking Game
Battleship Beer Pong sank our sobriety
07:The Sex Life of Famous People: You don’t know anything about that, do you Tisdale?
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V O C A L P O I N T S
Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Braffling: Definition: Maintaining narration in your head, like Zach Braff on Scrubs. Sentence: “I was Braffling for like 5 minutes at McDonalds before I realized it was my turn to order.” Guidon’t: Definition: A person who embraces guido culture, but only because it’s currently trendy. Sentence: “Kyle's a Guidon't, he's all "GTL" now, but just dropped his hipster jeans off at Goodwill last week.”
Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com
Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets
04
How did you celebrate The Great Snow Day of 2011?
Dear Hallmark Mike, Ben’s Son! wrote this
“Making igloos.” Dear Hallmark, Do I have a bone to pick with you, by God! I wrote you last year concerning your Valentines Day cards, and you chose not to respond. I hope you know that because of this I threw away all of your cards, erased your company’s phone number from my cell phone, defriended Hallmark on Facebook, and threw away all of the treats you made me. You really know how to break a guy’s heart, and you can’t fix that with chocolate covered pretzels. However, it is a new year, and I have decided to forgive you. I can’t stay mad at you, Hallmark! If you wish to make it up to me, then I want you to listen to everything I have to say. Ok, as you remember from my last letter I am trying to make a personalized card for somebody very dear to me. On your website you have three categories of cards, “Romance,” “Kids,” and “Friendship.” First off, for my card I was wondering if you could create a category that combined all three of these. The reason for this is that when my special person receives the card, I don’t want them to think that our relationship is based on solely any one of those things. I want the card to be a sort of, “Childish romance with a friend,” or, “Romantic interest with my kid’s friends,” type of card. Basically I want to say a lot with a little. It’s called poetry, ever heard of it? Secondly, I wish to put my own picture in this card. I cannot express my love using pictures of Shrek or a teddy bear. This is an extremely personal card, and using other people is just not going to work. I have already taken the picture, which I want to appear in the card, and I have decided that no other picture will do. I have included the picture I wish to appear on the card in this letter, it is a picture of me on the beach. Thirdly, I want this to be one of those musical cards. Now, you have many choices of songs, however, none of them quite fill my needs. I need a song that is sexy, yet still expresses that I need more than sex in a relationship. I have included a CD in this letter that features the song I have chosen for my card. Lastly, we need the words. On the cover I want it to say, “Roses are red, violets are blue...” and when you open the card the music will play, my picture will appear, and the words will read, “and so is this friend who wants to see you!” See, isn’t that nice? Hopefully my card hits shelves soon so everyone can enjoy it! Hope to hear back from you soon! Larry Benson, e.s.q.
Dear Mr. Benson,
Sebastion- Senior
I am writing on behalf of Hallmark Cards to inform you that your card suggestion will never appear on store shelves, ever. We at Hallmark would like to make it clear, for legal reasons, that you sent us this card idea, and we never, even for one second, considered it appropriate for store shelves.
Sir, we would like to suggest that you receive therapy at once. This is the third time you have sent the same exact letter to us, with the same included material. To make ourselves especially clear, we will explain to you why we see your card as unfit for sale. First of all, Hallmark likes to keep all of their cards safe for all ages. The picture you sent us described as, “you at the beach,” is clearly a photograph of a phallus being inserted into a water noodle. Further inspection of the photograph shows that it was taken inside of a rather disgustingly deteriorated bathroom, with your face clearly shown in a mirror in the corner of the frame. From this picture we can determine that you are the bearded man who has been hanging around Hallmark headquarters in Kansas City yelling profanities and scaring people away. Hallmark Cards is currently deciding whether or not to take legal action. As for the song, there is no way the song “Fuck the Pain Away” by Peaches will ever appear in a Hallmark card, especially one intended for children, which you, for whatever reason, are so adamant about. Sir, we once again recommend that you reconsider your life choices and seek help. And if you wish to send a card on Valentine’s Day this year, you are going to have to make it yourself, Hallmark will take no part in it. We pray that whoever receives a card from you this season will reconsider both of your lives.
“I went to a friend’s house and played board games.”
Gokhan- Grad Student
Please, please, stop writing. ---
Dear Mr. Benson,
We have received your card, now leave us alone.
-Hallmark Cards
“I went to the Farm House to celebrate Snofficial starting around 1pm, it gets a little fuzzy after that…”
Caitlin- Freshman
05
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Single Girls’V-Day Fink wrote this Hey there, sweetheart. Yes, I’m talking to you. The girl in the sweatpants that you haven’t washed since some time last semester, with the mascara-streaked, tear-stained cheeks, and the half empty carton of Cherry Garcia. You probably didn’t think you’d be spending this Valentine’s Day alone when you gave that hottie at Red Lion your number. He probably seemed like a pretty good contender for your cuddle buddy on the most prominent Hallmark holiday. After about a week of ignored texts and no 3 AM booty calls, I can see why you’ve surrendered to your fate of being single on Valentine’s Day. Your roommates will probably try to pull you out of your funk, get you dressed up and take you out to a bar to flirt with single guys who don’t probably don’t even know what day it is. While you might start to believe that getting piss drunk and fucking some random guy is a good way to lift your single spirits, I beg you… STEP AWAY FROM THE ONE NIGHT STAND! So you’re single on one lousy V-Day, that doesn’t mean you’re destined to spend eternity alone! Instead of looking the for bottom of a bottle (or tub of ice cream… whatever) this Valentine’s Day, single girls everywhere need to open themselves up to the alternative options of entertainment on the most romantic day of the year. Try one, or all of the following and watch your sorrows drift away.
Monster Truck Show: Instead of spending your hard-earned cash on a new slutty dress, spend it on ridiculously expensive stadium beer and getting high off copious amounts of diesel fumes. Dig out your cowboy boots and ridiculous belt buckle that you usually reserve for barn dance and let your true redneck shine through. Don’t waste your singleness on cheap well drinks and bad music. Going to a monster truck show will make you forget any sadness that unattachment has brought you, and will also help you get out any aggression as you watch old mobile homes get absolutely annihilated.
Trash Your Roommate’s Bedroom: Everyone loves destroying things. While your roommate’s at $1 sushi night with some loser from her new class, you get to mess up her precious shot glass stash, drink her classy vodka that she hides in her shoe boxes, and maybe even masturbate on her bed. I mean really, she can’t actually blame you for destroying her shit while she’s off on some romantic date. She could have been awesome with you and gone to watch Gravedigger take down Maximum Destruction at Monster Jam, but apparently your BFF thought getting mediocre V-Day sex was more important. Kill a Drifter: Yeah, so maybe this one’s kind of illegal (but isn’t drifting, as well? Evens out.). Killing a drifter on Valentine’s Day will not only adequately take your mind off of your Lone Ranger
status, but it’ll give you Expendables status, which is all a girl really needs. Who needs a date on Valentine’s Day when you can show everyone you’re not a slave to your feelings. With these suggested activities, you’re bound to forget all about the fact that you don’t get to use your favorite Frederick’s purchase. Man up and have a good time!
06
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A Second Look at Valentine’s Day Gifts Esteppington wrote this Valentine’s Day gifts have stayed the same for a long time. In the same vein as Halloween trick or treating, Easter baskets, and 4th of July fireworks, St. Valentine’s Day has always been celebrated with the same handful of basic traditions year after year. There’s the box of chocolates, the stuffed animal, the red rose, and the always useful “So Valentine’s Day is the worst, right?” line at the bars. These traditions are never questioned; we just kind of do them every year. That’s why this year I decided to look at a few of them a little deeper and see if they couldn’t be fixed up a bit. Let’s start with the bouquet of red roses thing. Why do they always have to be red? I get that red is associated with love, but it’s also associated with blood, violence, and the little “x“ that shows up on my computer screen when my neighbor‘s internet goes down. Also, Bruce Willis (but that‘s really more on the positive end of the spectrum). Why do we use such a schizophrenic color to represent our devotion to the ones we love? The real Valentine’s Day color should be green. Green represents progress! And happiness! And money and happiness! Your gift on Valentine’s Day should say, “I love you, I want to keep (green means) GOing with this.” So if you get roses from your boyfriend this year, first thank him, then promptly cut off all the tops and put the stems in a vase. Because that’s where the love is. Next up there’s the stuffed animal. The whole concept of
the stuffed animal confuses me. Who was the first guy who said “Hey you know what my girlfriend loves? Taxidermy. But I’m a shit hunter, so I’m just going to knit up a quick bear for her this year.” That’s the other thing. Everyone buys stuffed bears. When did bears become cute? The last time I checked, and I check frequently, bears were pretty scary. If you slept with a real bear, you would wake up to your arm being ripped out of its socket and eaten like a chicken wing. If we as a society are going to just accept that fake taxidermy is cute (which is really not easy for me to get past), then we should at least settle on stuffing something that wouldn’t murder you if it suddenly turned real. What about babies? I’m not talking about dolls, because dolls are creepy and much more likely to murder you than bears. But babies, to me, seem empirically cuter than bears. Of course, a gift like this might send a strange message to your girlfriend, but at least while she’s breaking up with you, you’d know you stayed true to yourself. The third basic, cookie-cutter V-Day gift is the box of chocolates. Usually heart shaped, these decadent dessert boxes work on two levels. One, they send a message that the beloved recipient is sweet and delicious (or something). And two, chocolate is sweet and delicious (definitely). The only thing I’d change about chocolate boxes is the fact that they’re always all chocolate. Chocolate is great but after a few bites
in a row it gets old, and fast. Especially with dark chocolate. So why not mix it up? There could be maybe three slots in the box that have chocolate, but the rest could be filled with other stuff, like a grown-up Lunchable (of love). Just off the top of my head I would love to get a box of not only chocolate, but also Skittles, French toast sticks, a quesadilla, Advil, and whiskey. I like to think that this mixture is what Forrest Gump was actually picturing when he compared life to a box of chocolates. So who’s with me? Let’s get rid of these stupid traditions, let’s replace them with new stupid traditions.
07
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Famous People Sex Cool Guy McGee wrote this I’m going to let you into my life a little bit. I do stand-up comedy and surprisingly, I’m pretty damn good at it. I didn’t truly realize this until just last semester when I gained my first groupie. Now this girl had taken a beating from the ass’s end of the ugly stick, but I was too stoked that a girl wanted to have sex with me only for my comedic abilities. The novelty of banging someone just because you’re so awesome is too much to pass up. This brought up the issue which I’ll obviously have to address later in life: famous people sex. As a famous person you have to accept the fact that you are objectified. In the eyes of slobbering fans you no longer are a person but an idea or a toy. You feel like the cute, popular girl at the prom except instead of a manicure and anorexia you have Cheeto fingers and developing alcoholism. To be honest, you probably won’t give a shit at all due to the awesomeness of getting laid just because you are good at something. Sadly, at first the pickings are not good as far as groupies go. Ugly girls would love a chance to plant the ‘first’ flag on a future celebrity and when he’s rich accuse him for rape. Luckily as you grow steadily in fame so does the attractiveness of the poon you’ll be slaying. You’ll probably start at an acne-fied Kathy Bates looka-like, but within a year or two of solid fame growth you’ll have moved on to Jessica Biel, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, territory. (She’ll have the herp though; you won’t be famous enough to have clean girls just yet.)
The abundance of groupies can also have a debilitating effect on your psyche, however. With girls coming up to you, screaming that they know you, your ego will grow to such great heights that you will stop trying. You might as well just sigh and whip out your dick the next time that cute girl in class asks you what page you’re on. Whereas you used to at least shower and dress in a button down shirt before going out, you’ll complain to the doorman at Clys that sweatpants, a wife beater, and house shoes are well within the dress code. If not then fuck him, he isn’t famous, now go home and sext that Kathy Bates girl. If you don’t believe me then take for instance the Snoop Dogg concert last week. If you were in attendance, then you already know that the concert officially started at nine and yet the father of rap didn’t appear in front of the restless audience until three hours later because… fuck ‘em, that’s why. When you can schedule a show to start at nine in a crowded building in the middle of a blizzard and you proceed to get high, eat a whole pizza, take a nap, get high again while getting head, and watch SportsCenter before you go out onstage, you really don’t give a fuck. When you’re famous, you can treat your endless groupies like shit just because you feel like it. So for those of you on your way to stardom and ready for all the famous sex that comes with it just hang in there. About ten years from now you may just end up banging the real Kathy Bates.
“” “The novelty of banging someone just because you’re so awesome is too much to pass up.”
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Campus Life for Less
09
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Russell Stover Releases “Lonely Night, Lonely Life” Box of Chocolates Corey Guastini wrote this
“”
When you find yourself alone on Valentine’s Day, there are two ways to cope with the loneliness. You can either attempt to convince yourself this is exactly the way you prefer it—that a relationship would only slow down the whirlwind, breakneck, devil-maycare lifestyle you’re certainly not living—or you can embrace the isolation and despair. For those despondent folk that choose the latter, Russell Stover has strayed from their usual delectable creations to release their “Lonely Night, Lonely Life” signature box of chocolates. Russell Stover CEO Thomas Ward made it clear why the company simply could not afford to ignore this surprisingly large selfloathing demographic any longer, saying, “Huge portions of the country have been clamoring for a way to take their feelings of worthlessness and insignificance during this holiday one step further. Looking at photographs and letters from old relationships when they were actually happy just isn’t cutting it anymore. Anyway, I think we have delivered beyond expectations.” The stomach-wrenching feelings promised by the item start with the purchase of the box of chocolates itself. Russell Stover has requested that all stores place the boxes right where the “Valentine’s Day cards” and “freshly cut flowers wrapped in heart riddled cellophane” sections meet. That way, the consumer is forced to be sur-
rounded by happy, love-drunk shoppers. “The juxtaposition of joy and misery should enhance that dejected feeling nicely, which is really what we’re going for here,” Ward added. As if buying yourself chocolates isn’t depressing enough, the soul-crushing reaches a new level once the product is opened. The box contains a single candle to create a just enough flickering light to still be able to see yourself crying in the mirror, a wilted rose as a metaphor for your all-but-dead love life, and a CD only containing that Enya song they play during 9/11 video montages, which will surely induce the most hopeless of thoughts if listened to on repeat. While these accessories go a long way in fulfilling the ultimate goal of the box, the flavors of chocolate are where it really shines. Said Ward, “With the ‘Lonely Night, Lonely Life’ chocolate box, the buyer never knows what to expect. Some of the chocolates have been aged for years to get that perfect gross white coating. This will hopefully evoke parallels in the person’s mind between the decrepit chocolate that no one wants and the path he or she is currently on in life. Still others look absolutely scrumptious from the outside, but are actually filled with nothing but air. While the chocolate crumbles disappointingly in those lonely souls’ mouths, they’ll either be thinking about how their lives are just as hollow as the chocolate they’re eating or the reality that even when things look promising, they always
“Looking at photographs and letters from old relationships when they were actually happy just isn’t cutting it anymore.”
turn to crap. Either way, they’ll feel like absolute horseshit.” For those people that just want to feel something, anything at all, Russell Stover’s incorporated some chocolates filled with pure capsaicin extract and some with small amounts of battery acid, both of which will put the burn of hell in anyone’s mouth. In a surprise move, “Dark Chocolate Molasses Chews” are also included. While these chocolates had previously been mass produced by Russell Stover for years, Ward admitted they are by far the worst flavor and finally have a place where they belong. Even when the chocolates are gone and all the tears have finally dried, the box still manages to get one more jab in with the note, “Please recycle this box. While as of now it looks as though your lineage will not continue, you can still help to ensure a self-sustaining planet for the children of those that actually manage to make a family of their own.”
10
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SHOUT OUTS!
Reasons Why I Hate People Who Hate Valentine’s Day Amanda Nieman wrote this Valentine’s Day is one of the greatest holidays. Before you start seizing or something, let me take you back to an enchanting time in all of our lives: elementary school. Or as I like to call it, THE GLORY DAYS! This is where we first learn the perks of this day dedicated to St. Valentine and everyone’s creepy 3rd grade crush. Remember how you exchanged valentines and candy with all your classmates? Hell, if you were the big man on the playground, you probably got a hand-made Valentine and a king-sized Kit Kat Bar. Even if you were a complete loser, you could always count on your teacher for back-up valentines and some moldy candy to make you feel better. With heart decorations dangling in your face and enough candy to throw any child into a sugar coma, how could you not be in a good mood? Somewhere down the road, probably after you completed your first round of “heavy petting” with your first boyfriend or girlfriend, we became a bunch of cynical fucks. So he never called you again after you let him touch your boobs, now you hate Valentine’s Day merely because it reminds you of all your failed relationships. Basically, it means you hate life and love. And I have my reasons why I hate you. I’m single, shut up. If I hear somebody pull the “I’m Single” card one more time during Valentine’s Day Season (yes, it is considered a season now), I’m going to be real pissed. REAL pissed. This is actually a great day to be single. Do you even realize how many desperate bitches will be crawling around? So many. Maybe too many. Then again, there is no such thing as too many desperate girls. So, if you’re single, quit moping around and get some action. And for the love of God, stop looking at that crazy YouPorn website. (Editor’s note: No.) My baby and I are too good for Valentine’s Day, right baby? Oh so what are you, some sort of rebel? Like, one of those people that decides to hate an obscure band once it starts becoming popular, just because it’s popular? Your excuse might be that you and your “significant other” don’t need a holiday to show your love for each other. Let me tell you something, there is no other day in the year when it is socially acceptable and even
encouraged to touch each other erotically in public. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is. Seize the day! It’s cheesy. Cheesy? CHEESY?! Okay, maybe it is a little bit over-the-top. But that’s what makes it beautiful. If I’m not mistaken, all the best things in life are ridiculously excessive. For example, a combo iPod stereo dock and toilet paper holder. It’s a little bit unnecessary, but you honestly couldn’t ask for more. Do you really need an iPod dock attached to your toilet paper holder? Yes. Do you really need to wear that turtle neck sweater with embroidered hearts? Absolutely. I NEVER get what I want! Last year you and your boyfriend got in a fight because he was too hungover to take you out to dinner. Not even the Olive Garden! Bastard. And the year before that, you cried because he got you dark chocolate. Was he effing serious? You obviously only eat milk chocolate. Now you’ve given up hope that you’ll EVER get what you want. In which case, you should probably just sit in a dark corner that matches your soul all day every day, because you don’t even deserve to experience the delights of this holiday! OKAY?? I hate everything that has to do with being nice, like flowers, chocolates, and Hallmark. Somebody mentioned to me that the “Emo” population was slowly but surely dying out. I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree, because I know plenty of people who, for some reason, refuse to enjoy life. I’ll never forget the time a kid gave me dead flowers and a card that said “I HATE YOU” inside of it. I’ve never understood why people decide to be extra hateful on Valentine’s Day. Maybe this goes along with the whole “I’m too good for it” thing. Regardless, there is really no damn reason to be such a Debbie Downer. I’m basically looking out for the well being of everyone else. People tend to have mental breakdowns on Valentine’s Day, and I just don’t understand. Call me crazy, but I’m always down to have a good time on a day that was meant to be awesome, no matter the circumstances. Now excuse me while I go rape the candy aisle at Walgreens.
This is the cute brunette in the wheelchair from Red Lion....I want to holla back and say yes, I can enjoy sex... Maybe next time you see me out you should by me a drink and maybe you will get the opportunity to see if you can live up to my expectations To Matt, I know you read this religiously so I thought I'd take this opportunity to let you know how much I hate you. Dave To the girl on the third floor of Forbes who keeps unzipping her pants before she gets into the stall--You disgust me. There are two things you need: patience and a bikini wax. Rascal Flatts Management, Give our girl DAWN at Silvermine a TIP next time she makes 90 subs for you! Jake - Nice haircut! I didn’t know the bowl-cut was coming back! Did your brother do that...or did you lose a bet? Either way, I’d wear a hat for a while... To the dude at Jimmy John’s who thought it would be funny to steal my Slim Jim - I will hunt you down! Derek, remember when you passed out and woke up "untucked"...yeah, we took a peak, and it was pretty impressive - Allison SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Keystone Light taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic, $2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAYS! Mug Night! DJ support from ChaliceDubs.com $5 Mugs for Purchase, $3 Drink Special refills! $1 Cover!
$2 Stella Artois Bottles $2 Malibu Rum $2 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Jim Beam Whiskey
A Minute to Win It Win a Flip Camera! $2 Svedka, $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Bud Mug Night $2 Bud Refills - $3 Goose Refills Bulls vs Utah 8pm Hawks vs Oilers 8:30pm
$1 Domestic Bottles $2 Screwdrivers
THURS 2/10
THuRSTY THuRSDAY Rotating DJ Schedule $4 Select Sobieski Vodka Martinis! $3.50 Bells Oberon Pints $3 Red Stripe/Red Stripe Light
$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $3.75 Miller/Coors Pitchers
BRANTLEY GILBERT with HER & KING'S COUNTY
Thursday Night RAGE! w/ DJ Mixx $2 Skyy Vodka $2 Long Islands $3 Skyy Vodka Red Bull $3 Vegas Bombs $2 Any Beer Btl. in the House! Bud Girls 11PM
GAMEDAY Watch Party Illinois vs Minnesota 8pm $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Whiskey $3 Boddington Pub Cans $2 Amaretto's $3.99 DblChburger & FF 4-9pm
$2 Drafts $3 Jose
DJ Ian Procell & DJ REFLEX 10PM (house)
$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 PIZZA'S Your choice of any pizza on our menu! $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Absolut Vodka, $3 Wild Turkey $3 SoCo Lime Shots $3 Cruzan Rum Absolut Vodka Promo 11pm
$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Jager Bombs $3 Jim Beam $3 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3.99 Haus Fries Blackhawks vs Stars 7:30pm
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Top Shelf
SATURDAY THROWDOWN! DJ MERTZ 10 PM
$5 App & fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Bacardi $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
WORLD'S FIRST FLYING MACHINE The Farewell Show (Early Show!) ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW Screening with Shadow Cast (Late Show!)
$3 Jager Bombs $3 Wild Turkey $3 Bacardi $3 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles Jager Girls 11pm
X-Rated Vodka presents... sm BITTERNESS BASH ! Win a Trip to the Bahamas! $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi $3 X Rated $3 Vegas Bombs
$3 Captain Drinks $3 Jose Drinks
BIG GIGANTIC with KRADDY
Book your next party or event at the Clybourne Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
GAMEDAY: Open at 11am ILLINI vs PURDUE $2 ANYTHING in the HOUSE! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings
$2 Bottles $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells
$1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm After pub quiz, Bonus Rounds of Buzztime Trivia - extra prizes
$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells
$2 ANYTHING in the HOUSE! Patron-Jack- Bacardi Goose- Absolut - Beam You Name it $2! DJ Goo Boo Spinning Live
$1 Bud & Bud Light Drafts $10 Bud Hydrants $2 Sauza Tequila Shots $2 Cruzan Rum & Cruzan 9
$2 Double Whiskey Drinks $10 Domestic Buckets
T-N-T! Tuesday Night Trivia 7PM Liquid Courage Karaoke 9:30 $4 SVEDKA MARTINIS! $1.50 MILLER HL BTLS
22oz. Mug Club $5 Buys a Mug Filled $3 Well Refills, ANY TAP & MORE! $5.50 Party Pitchers (Too many flavors!) $2 Shot Menu Kamikazes & Much More!
ROBYN with NATALIA KILLS and DIAMOND RINGS
WINE NIGHT with Milk N Cookies $8 Bottles of Champagne & Wine $3 Svedka Martini's (Cosmo & Appletini's) $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles Goose Island Promo 11pm
$2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Sharkbowls $5 Bud Light Pitchers $3 Soco Shots & Drinks
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Keystone Light taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic, $2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAYS! Mug Night! DJ support from ChaliceDubs.com $5 Mugs for Purchase, $3 Drink Special refills! $1 Cover!
$2 Stella Artois Bottles $2 Malibu Rum $2 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Jim Beam Whiskey Jim Beam Girls
GAMEDAY:IL vs MICH 7:30pm Jack Daniels Girls 11pm A Minute to Win It! Win a Sony E-Reader $2 Svedka, $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Bud Mug Night: $2 Bud Refills, $3 Goose Refills
FRI 2/11
SAT 2/12
SUN 2/13
MON 2/14
TUES 2/15
WED 2/16
Closed
Van Gogh a Go Go! $5 Van Gogh Cocktails PINEAPPLE ACAI BLUEBERRY DOUBLE ESPRESSO VG GIN $6 Van Gogh Martinis DIRTY MASTERPIECE PINEAPPLE GIMLET ACAI COSMO GIMLET
Closed
TRUTH & SALVAGE COMPANY with THE MEAN LIDS (Early Show!) BOOMBOX with DJ BELLY and DJ SOLO (Late Show!)
$2.99 Cheeseburger & FF 4pm-9pm
Logo Glass Night $3 Glass $2 Refills
Bulls vs Charlotte 7pm
$1 Domestic Bottles $2 Screwdrivers
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Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERYDAY: $5 Pitchers, $1 Drafts $1 Cherry Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $1 Kamikaze $2.50 Shot Board Shots
Happy Hour $1 Off All Apps and 1/2 Off All THURSDAY: Hookah’s (at GSC2) $3 Sangria Special 6-8 Night Every Day. From $3 Sweet Tea Vodka Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Free Pool During Free pool duringHour!!! happy hour!!! Happy
WED 2/09
Karaoke Bomb Night! $2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona Wednesday $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3$2.50Strong Islands Corona $4Bombs ICB’s $2.50 Jager
THURS 2/10
$1 Bottles $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Double Rum Wells LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
Thirsty Thursday $4 ICB’s $3.50 Pitchers of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Domestic and Import Bottles $3 Dr’s, $4 Strong Islands
FRI 2/11
$4 Double Red Bull Vodkas $2.50 Amaretto Stone Sours $3 Strong Islands LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2.50 Captain and Coke $2.50 Dr’s $3 Vodka/ RB $4 Signature Drinks
SAT 2/12
$3.50 Jager Bombs $3 Double Vodka Wells $2.50 Tequila Sunrise LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2 Budweiser $3 Dr. McGillicuddy's $3 Captain & Cokes $4 Signature Drinks
Enjoy Our Beer Garden
DJ LUNIKS $3 Corona $3 Corona Light $3 Red Bull & Vodka $3 Cherry Bombs
$2 U CALL IT
Free Pool All Night $1 Miller Lite & Bud Light Draft’s $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Strong Islands
$2.50 Import Bottles
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Saki Sunday Funday $2 Saki Bomb
MON 2/14
$5 Pitchers 50¢ Pizza Slices
$1 Pint Refills of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Miller Bottles $3 Rumpleminze $4 Double Vodka/RB $1 Off All Burgers
$2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts
80's NIGHT! $1.50 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Wells NO COVER
1/2 Price any Sandwich $2 RBV's $2 Frozen Margaritas Monday Night Joes
TUES 2/15
Wing Night! (8pm-midnight) $.50 Jumbo Chicken Wings $1.00 Chicken Strips 3 for $1 Jumbo Popcorn Chicken $2 Coronas
Outlaw Karaoke $2 Bud and Miller Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Strong Islands $3.50 Motza Sticks
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
1/2 Price Burgers $1 Tequila Shots $1 Jello Shots $2 Blue Moons 90's Night
WED 2/16
Karaoke Bomb Night! $2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 ICB’s
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music
Come Get Your Waffle Fries Wednesdays Only Bombs Away Wednesdays with DJ John Han and 3AM Nation 3 DJ's spinning at the same time all night long
WEDNESDAY: Country Night is BACK! $1 Domestics $2 Imports DJ Stifler
Friday: Win Authentic Cubs Throwback Jerseys Every Friday During Happy Hour All Semester Long!
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music
Bomb's Away Wednesday $2 Any Bomb $4 G-Bombs 3 DJ's spinning at the same time all night
$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
$2 1/4 lb. Burgers $3 Stoli Flavor Drinks $2 Miller Family Beers $1 Buttery Nipples DJ Spdydey
Enjoy Our Beer Garden
DJ DELAYNEY House, Hip-Hop, R&B, Reggae, and Old School Dance
Everyone's Favorite Time of the Day Bud Light Happy Hour Win Authentic Cub's Throwback Jersey 7-9 DJ Jon Han
1/2 Price Burgers $2 Kamikazes $2 Red Headed Sluts
35 E. Green Street
$3 Strong Islands
SUN 2/13
DOWNTOWN
KAM'S
The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (After 6pm)
SATURDAY: BACARDI BEACH PARTY! $2 Any Bacardi Drink $2.50 Bombs Bacardi Girls & Prizes
Win a Nintendo 3DS! Come in often to fill out a free raffle ticket!
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
BUD BAR ROOM GIVEAWAYS $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $2.50 UV Vodka & Bam $2.50 Bacardi Drinks
School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Klub Kams DJ HAN! $2.50 UV & Bam $2 Lite Bottles, $2 Wine $2.50 Trader Vics All Energy Music!
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
MON: Global Draft Night! $6 Pitchers (Bud, Miller & Coors Lt.) $2 Bacardi Single Mixers & Burst Shots (all flavors) $4 Jim Beam & Pinnacle Doubles
FRI: The HEAVEN & HELL TOUR w/Hoodie Allen Performing Live! and Milk N Cookies for more info go to
Sexy Speed Dating this Saturday!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Bud Live Music Series Haben and Company $1 Old Man Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Amaretto Jameson Girls 11PM
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
WED 2/09
Logo Glass Night $2 Refills $2 Bacardi Drinks
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $6.75 Pitchers Killians & Honey Brown $2 Pinnacle Vodka & Jim Beam Singles $2 Burst Shots $4 Bacardi Doubles
SHACKER NIGHT with Milk N Cookies $5 Shackers $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $3 SoCo Lime Shots $2 Bud Light Bottles Bud Girls 11pm
SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT
THURS 2/10
Cuervo Silver Party $3 Cuervo $2.50 Captain, $3 Smirnoff $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles $6 Lite Pitchers
$2 Miller Lite Bottles $4 Neon 99s $2 Pickleback Shots $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover
$2 Pints Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $7 Pitchers Killians/Honey Brown $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout $4.50 Skyy Vodka and Wild Turkey Doubles $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots
The HEAVEN & HELL TOUR Hoodie Allen Performing Live! with Milk N Cookies for more info go to
Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!
FRI 2/11
www.RedLionChampaign.com
$2 Coors Light Bottles $4 Neon 99s $2 Pickleback Shots $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover
$2 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $7 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout $4.50 Bacardi & Jim Beam Doubles $2.50 Burst Shots
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey Jim Beam Girls 11pm
Sexy Speed Dating!
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
BACARDI BEACH PARTY! $2 Any Bacardi Drink $2.50 Bombs Bacardi Girls & Prizes
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells
Absolut Illini IL vs. Purdue Noon $2 Lite Bottles $3 Absolut & Bam $3 Bloody Marys Free Biscuits & Gravy
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Any Draft $2 Bacardi Drinks
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2 Well Mixers & Burst Shots $4 Wild Turkey & Skyy Vodka Doubles
Book your next party or event at the Clybourne Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)
SUN 2/13
$1.50 High Life Drafts!
VALENTINE'S DAY! $1 Wells and Drafts $2 Bottles and Energy Drinks $3 Pitchers
$2 All Bottles including imports $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!"
Global Draft Night! $5 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Captain Morgan Doubles
UV Vodka Presents... sm BITTERNESS BASH Win a Trip to the Bahamas! $1 U CALL IT'S $1 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Vodka Red Bull $3 Bud Light Pitchers
BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)
MON 2/14
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)
COUNTRY NIGHT! Ride the Bull! $3.25 Double Beam Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts
Ride the Rail! $2 Draft Pints 2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!
$1.50 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.00 Bacardi Singles & Burst Shots $4.00 Pinnacle Vodka and Jim Beam Doubles
$2 Skyy Vodka $2 Wild Turkey $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Goose Island 312 Drafts $2 UV Vodka & Red Bull
CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)
TUES 2/15
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
BUD BAR ROOM GIVEAWAYS $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $2.50 UV Vodka & Bam $2.50 Bacardi Drinks
School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles
Bud Live Music Series AD/HD - AC/DC Tribute Band $1 Old Man Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Amaretto
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
WED 2/16
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Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More
SAT 2/12
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The Black Sheep Reviews: Seinfeld: a XXX Parody Quinn wrote this
When Valentine’s Day rolls around my mind naturally drifts to porn and comedy staples that never make me feel alone, oh so alone. Since I own zero hard copies of porn or Seinfeld (I DON’T, I’m a streamer and a dreamer my friends), a quick walk down internet alley led me to this little gem: Seinfeld a XXX Parody. I watched it with my roommate, which is totally not gay because we fast forwarded through all the terrible dialogue and re-enacted the sex scenes – you know, just to really get a feel for the content. I’ve seen every episode of Seinfeld, which I think only made things even more uncomfortable. (On the message board for the site there is a comment that reads “I’ve never seen the actual comedy, but this looks great!” – which made me think Seriously? What kind of porn cave must this man live in? Is he like Patrick Star, only lifting up his
jackin’ rock to eat, drink, and siphon the jizz before it suffocates him?) Unlike this man, I knew every joke and how poorly it was delivered, and every scene they were trying to re-enact. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to be overly critical, knocking a porn actor’s ability to act is like knocking normal people’s ability to fuck. In other words, when old Gerry goes off about pornography in his monologue: “What’s the deal with pornography,” he says in a flighty voice “I mean, if -ography means to study, shouldn’t it be called dickography? Sorry Mary Sue, I can’t go out with you tonight, I’ve got some dick-ography homework” (which I might have laughed at) – what he lacks in acting he makes up for in the ensuing 30-minute romp with Elaina on his couch. The overall movie is loosely based off the Soup Nazi episode, except in pornucopia he is the Porn Nazi. When Elaina can’t really decide what porn she wants he gives the old “No porn for you!” and Elaina is dismayed to say the least. Don’t worry though, because she and the Porn Nazi’s Asian assistant “get back at him” by having sweet lesbian sex in the back room. In the meantime, Krammer is sick of all his porn “I just can’t jerkoff, Gerry!” and decides to make a porn of his own! Classic Krammer! This basically a genius move by director Lee Roy Myers to deviate from the painstaking process of keeping to a parody and make a side plot that is pretty much just porn. So Krammer gets Sasha Grey and some other chicks to bone in a back yard, they involve him, and he is all weird Krammer like. The next scene is back in Gerry’s apartment, where Krammer has
enlisted Gorge to make a sex scene with his fiancée Suzanne. Old Gerry walks in, and seeing that Krammer has transformed his apartment into a porn set, and that Gorge is going to be in it says “And that’s my cue to leave!” Then next person through the door, however, is Buck (who isn’t really a parody of anyone, not even Puddy. Let’s go Lee Roy, get it together), a beastly man who is going to have sex with Suzanne and enrages Gorge to drop his notorious line “Serenity now!” Krammer gives his porn tape to Noman, who in turn sells it to the Porn Nazi. And then something happens that leads Noman to have sex with Regina (read like vagina, ie. Mulva) in the back room of the porn shop. Gerry refers to Regina as Orgazma-girl because she is always having orgasms, which rubs Gerry the wrong way. Classic Gerry! Somehow everyone ends up in the Porn Nazi’s shop, and Gorge sees his tape being played on the TV. Gerry shakes his fist at Noman, and Gorge yells at Krammer because now Suzanne wants to be with Buck. Cut scene to Gerry on stage again, saying he is a big tit guy as an unnamed large breasted woman comes on stage and has sex with him. Classic unnamed large breasted woman! This was the first porn parody I’ve seen, and I was a little disappointed. I mean, I know I shouldn’t expect much, but there was like 20 minutes of parody and 50 minutes of hardcore, unforgiving penetration – in which the actors totally broke out of character. But it’s probably worth watching in the same way it’s necessary to drink rotten milk, just to experience the taste and know you need to stay far, far away from it.
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S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH
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WEEK
of the
Major: Pottery Relationship Status: Married with kids Best place to hook up? Cly’s
Major: Nursing/Community Health Relationship Status: Taken Favorite drink to make? Hatorade Favorite drink to drink? Body Shots
basement…it’s creepy, soundproof, and has cartons of liquor What cartoon character would you hook up with?
What are you gonna name your first child? Sebastian Favorite flavor of Smirnoff? It’s a tie between… all of them! Worst drink you’ve ever had? Tequila Lemonade Favorite bar (other than your own) to go to on campus? Fubar Favorite Disney princess? Cinderella If you could go down on anyone, who would it be and why? Beth,
Daffy Duck, cuz I like it sloppy
Favorite day-drinking activity? Farting ‘n Fratting Favorite shot? Blonde, I mean, redheaded slut Best night to bartend? Tuesday,
mad sorority babes ‘n shit
Where did you lost your virginity? My Uncle Al’s repair
shop…he videotaped it
Favorite Comic Book Hero:
Daniel Patrick Ashe CLYS
Spiderman…he can shoot sticky stuff from his body at extreme speeds Joose or Four Loko: 8-inch Loko? Favorite Theme for a party? Pigtails ‘n Pedophiles Last dream you remember? Getting robbed at gunpoint. Oh wait, that’s wasn’t a dream…that’s just me living in Champaign Worst decision you’ve ever made on the job? Late night after work,
stayed with the managers. Let’s just say I found out what a “Schaper Sandwich” entails…
Battleship Beer Pong What You Need: A big ass table, 100 solo cups, ping pong balls, a case of beer, 6 Four Lokos (I recommend grape flavored), group of idiots Number of Players: Two teams of 3-5 players, depending on how drunk each person wants to get
Intoxication Level: Drunk enough to challenge the winning team to a round of Battleshits
How to Play: -Each team sets up 50 cups on either side of the table in a 5 x 10 square formation. -Strategically choose your “battleships.” Out of the 50 cups, designate four battleships: one with five cups, one with four, one with three, and one with two. -Fill up the battleships with Four Lokos (3 for each team) and the rest of the cups with beer. Amount poured in each cup should be a little less than you would use for beer pong. -Each team takes a turn trying to sink the other team’s battleships with the ping pong balls (hence the name, battleship beer pong). If a cup is made, you drink, and take away the cup. If part of a battleship is sunk, yell “hit,” and turn that cup over so the other team knows where to keep shooting. -Shit talking is also a main component of the game. If you’re not talking shit, you’re doing it wrong.
because she’s my boss…talk about a raise! Would you rather be mauled to death by a grizzly bear or a little league baseball team?
Grizzly bear, because I could totally take it
How often do you black out? Currently Favorite Winter Olympic sport? Snowboarding
Amanda Marganski JOES
er: t s a s Di r o f e Recip Best of Both Worlds Late night munchies often leave you in a quandary, sweet or savory? Hot or spicy? There’s a ton of food out there you want to eat, but only a finite amount of stomach space in which to do it. Fear no more, Best of Both Worlds takes care of all your tastebuds’ needs! What You Need: Toast, a chocolate bar, tortilla chips, hot sauce. Cook Time: Less than five minutes.
Fatty Factor: Low, you might throw it up anyway.
Let’s Get Baked: -Toast your bread. -While your bread is toasting, break the chocolate bar down into very small pieces. -When the toast is ready, immediately remove it from the toaster and place the chocolate on the bread. Allow it to melt. -Once the chocolate is melted, place the tortilla chips on top of the chocolate. -Douse the bread with hot sauce. Bathroom Aftermath: If you don’t yak, well, it’ll be like any other poop you’ve ever had, hooray!
The Game Ends When: One team sinks all of the other team’s battleships, someone thinks they have actual motion sickness
Sexy Time
Sandwiches
Indian
Studying
Tail-Gate
Soups
Italian
Hangover
drinking games
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Review
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BOOZE REVIEW
mixer center
Kiwi Strawberry Pinnacle Vodka GRADE: B-
History Pinnacle Vodka is made in France by French people. They hand-import Burnettes vodka, hand-make it better, and hand-squeeze all the strawberries, and kiwis and whipped creams into the vodka. Then they hand-ship it via old German submarines to the US where they hand-sell it to flighty girls and boys who are excited about getting drunk and giving their first hand-job(s). Typical Drinkers Maids, lesbians who look like Justin Bieber, flying squirrels and other exotic animals that eat kiwis
and/or strawberries, Gnomeo, the shortest guy at the party, people who think Kirk Heinrich is coming back to the Bulls, roommates who watch porn together, Aaron Rodgers.
Sprite – A Lemonade – B Coke – C Chewing Tobacco – D Straight up – B Alone on Valentine's Day - F
ˇ ˇ ˇ ˇˇˇ
Introduction Have you ever tried the mixture of Kiwis and Strawberries? They’re like the sweetest and best thing ever! I love fruit and I love vodka and I love mixing all three! Boy oh boy does Pinnacle Vodka knock it out of the park when it comes to making their vodkas super sweet! I mean, whipped cream vodka? Apple vodka? KIWI STRAWBERRY VODKA!? It’s unlike any other vodka brand I’ve ever heard of!
User Comments “After drinking this, I just want to make out with ANYTHING!” “My twin sister died yesterday.” “I FUCKING LOVE KIWIS.” “Why are there old men at this party?” “Never answer a question with a question!”
Overall I think it’s swell! I think you should try it! Instead of Burnett’s or one of the other cheap vodkas anyway! No I’m not getting paid by Pinnacle Vodka! Go buy it! Put it in sprite or drink it straight, it so smooth and satisfying that you will gain the confidence to talk to girls and they will have sex all up on you! Do it! Have sex with those girls! Kiwi Strawberry! What else could you ask for!
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TOP 10
Ways To Not Get Laid On Valentine’s Day I know it can be hard sometimes when you’re single on valentine’s day, but who says you still can’t have fun in other ways? Well, if you do any of these things below, i guarantee that fun will not be an option for you my friend…
10.
Feeling sorry for yourself. All this business about “Single’s Awareness Day” has GOT to stop people! Just because you’re single does not mean that getting some isn’t in the cards. If you go to the bars that night and spite all the cute couples, you’ll come off as bitter to all your prospects and can say goodbye to your dreams of sex in the Kams bathroom.
9. Valentine’s Day Bailout Ideas nada sur wrote this Due to the poor state of the economy, or because you’re like every other college student who has blown their weekly allowance on beer and/or weed, you’ve found yourself flat broke again. Since Valentine’s Day is on Monday, and because you’re undoubtedly racking your brain to find something decent to give your significant other that is almost free, I’ve created a list of common V-Day gift requests and what they translate into in terms of cheap: “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” Well, shiny gems that look like diamonds are a man’s best friend. If your girlfriend has been not-so-subtly dropping hints to buy her expensive jewelry this Valentine’s Day by leaving Zales cutouts all over your apartment or constantly telling you before every make out session that “Every kiss begins with Kay,” just remember— she’s not a stone connoisseur. She probably won’t be able to tell the difference between 24-carat diamonds that’ll cost you a year of college tuition and $12 cubic zirconium earrings you picked up at the drug store on the way to her apartment. Disclaimer: This paper is not held legally responsible from the injury that may occur as a result of your girlfriend finding out why her diamond earrings turned her ears a greenish hue. “I’d love to go to dinner and a movie.” A romantic, candlelit dinner can range anywhere from $20 to $100, and after the mad money dished out on alcohol for Snowpocalypse 2011, you’d be lucky to find anyone with more than ten bucks to their name. The solution: The $5 Big Box Meal from Taco Bell and pirating movies. With burrito's tacos, dessert, a drink, and a name that sounds blatantly like a porn, you and your lover can eat delicious dog premium meat while watching the cam version of The fighter you just downloaded. Nothing says “I love you”
better than a free movie with poor sound quality (that may or may not include the ending).
“Baby, can you get some sexy lingerie?” To women, the “L- word” must be used with extreme caution. You see, lingerie is quite an investment, costing up to $100 from Victoria’s Secret, despite literally only staying on for a couple of minutes before it is flung onto the floor (but put back on seven minutes later). But fear not ladies, for our staff has done its research and has found cheap lingerie at Marshall's, TJ Maxx and Ross for under $12. So buy your man some hot undergarments he’ll love without breaking the bank, and unless he’s a complete creeper and checks your tags, he’ll never know how much you didn’t spend.
“I don’t know what I want, baby. I’m sure I’ll love whatever you get me.” This is complete bull. Every boyfriend or girlfriend wants their significant counterpart to telepathically read their minds as to what they want for Valentine’s Day. That way, if you get them the right gift they will know it is true love, but if you get it wrong, they may revoke all of your sex privileges. I repeat, this is a test, so choose your present wisely! Some gifts for guys that are fail-proof include a 12-pack of their favorite beer, weed brownies, games for XBOX 360 and handcrafted coupons promising undisclosed sexual acts. For the ladies, you can never go wrong with a single red rose, chocolate hearts, a hand-written love sonnet that you plagiarized from Shakespeare, personal lubricant or a cheesy mix CD that you actually burned for your last girlfriend. Yep. Totally fail-proof.
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Watch Season 3 of Flavor of Love. This is a terrible way to gain inspiration in working your game. I mean, Flav really gets it in during the first two seasons, but by the third season he’s just a sad dried-up raisin with overused one-liners. Stick to Season 1 if you really want to get good instruction.
8. 7.
Stop shaving. Interpret this as you wish, but I promise you it’s not a good idea. Go bare or go home.
Live life like a Taylor Swift album. Sitting around and waiting for your man on a white horse to come knock on your door… Oh please. If you follow the typical Taylor Swift mantra, you’ll get nowhere in your sex life.
6.
Start the day with tequila. For those of you who rely on alcohol to meet girls/guys, I beg you to stay clear of that method on Valentine’s Day. While it may seem like a good idea at 10AM when you set out to pick up the ladies, ending up with vomit on your shirt at 3PM does not promise to lead to a very interesting evening.
5.
Talk too much. Okay so you’ve got to do some sort of talking to reel ‘em in, but after that try and stay low key or you might let something slip like the fact that you have the clap or something about your weird Soviet Russian porn addiction. Loose lips sink ships, and are bad for giving head.
4. 3. 2.
Eat Chipotle. Do you really want to intoxicate and knock out all guys/girls who are DTF before the actual deed? Unless gaseous roofies are your thing, I guess…. Try meth for the first time. Hmm, bad news. Worst of all, meth makes you ugly. No one wants to hook up with ugly meth chicks/dudes.
Try meth again by accident. You idiot, what did I say about it the first time? You’re looking to slide down a slippery, needley, creepy slope, man. Haven’t you seen that scary CUMTD bus add with the bloody sink?
1.
Be Yourself. Well, you’re currently not getting laid, right? Why do you think that is?
Fratastasia wrote this
continued from cover story...
nham o B na Hele arter C
1. 21 Grams 2. Grizzly Bear 3. Robin Hood 4. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
in Mart nce e Lawr
Movie Quiz
Do you know how two of our favorite big picture celebrities are related? Figure it out, email us at 6degrees@theboozenews.com, and the first 10 win a prize!
Answers
6 Degrees of separation:
19
20
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the movie page
to t h g u Bro . . . y b u yo 126 W. Church St. - Downtown Champaign
“Best Place to See a Movie” Buzz’s Best of C-U, 2010
K=100
Based on the Trailer
Another Year C=35 M=60 Y=60 K=100
DAVE saw this and gave it a...
Director: Mike Leigh
The Roommate
Starring:
Jim Broadbent, Ruth Sheen
Out Now
Synopsis:
Starring: Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Cam Gigandet
What You Need to Know: There’s a bunch of colleges, there’s a bunch of people who could be your roommate. And there’s a chance that that person is a huge emotionally unstable crazy bitch, so watch your drinks ya’ll. What We Think: Leighton Meester is a cutie, so we’re already hooked. This movie has an interesting premise that could play out in a totally unoriginal way. Like, “Ooh, the girl with all the money never had love as a child so she clings to people and then becomes a huge obsessive creep.” Been there, done that, yawn.
Just Go With It
Feb. 11th
Starring: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Brooklyn Decker
What You Need to Know: It's the same as so many movies in the world, we can't even describe it, but we'll try. Sandler lies to a very hot girl, to convince her he isn't lying, he makes up a crazy tale involving Jennifer Aniston.
What We Think: Is this really plausible? Does Adam Sandler (who is pushing 50, we're guessing) really have a shot at a girl like Brooklyn Decker? No way in hell, not even in his Billy Madison days could he pull this kind of tail.
a-
Over a course of a year, a family faces happiness, sadness, tea, and other British-y things.
K=0
As February begins, I’m almost at the point where all the limited release, critically loved films of 2010 will have either gone wide release or gone to DVD. Hopefully there’s a few more out there waiting to make their way down to the ol’ Central Illinois or soon I’ll have to go see things like a Nic Cage film about driving, *shudder* Gnomeo & Juliet or *double shudder* a Justin Beiber film. Fortunately, this week Another Year, directed by Mike Leigh, came out for wider release and made my moviegoing experience pretty enjoyable. If you’re familiar with the director then you’ll notice Another Year is fairly similar to Leigh’s style, specifically the fact that there isn’t much plot. At its center, the film examines the life of an older British couple, Tom (Jim Broadbent) and Gerri (Ruth Sheen), who clearly share a strong love together. Over a course of a year visitors come to see them, including their children and friends, with various crises; all the while Tom and Gerri maintain a good demeanor.
on DVD
One of the visitors we see a lot is Mary (Lesley Manville), a friend and co-worker of Gerri. Eventually the film provides more of a focus on her and her bad luck. She’s drunk and needy; someone that I would probably yell at if she visited me all the time. But Tom and Gerri never criticize or lecture Mary; they simply provide a home for her. If it sounds like not much happens in the movie, then you’re pretty much right. But the point of the film isn’t so much about huge events or action; it’s meant to show an average year in this couple’s life and how they maintain their happiness. Another Year reminded me a lot of Leigh’s other film that I saw in 2008, Happy-Go-Lucky. This was a film focused on a woman who maintained a happy, trusting attitude no matter what. I remember enjoying it, but there were also parts where I just couldn’t understand why the woman was so damn happy. What I like better about Another Year is that, by spending a year
Cannes Film Festival 2010
with this couple, you see they have developed a comfortable rhythm together and have realized being happy is just necessary. They are not naïve or gimmicky; they know being always happy is impossible, but, as the film examines, so is always being unhappy. Of course, the film also works because the actors can convey their happiness with glimpses of real sadness beneath them. Both Sheen and Manville are great, but I particularly enjoyed Jim Broadbent, the man half of the main relationship, who is also known as Professor Slughorn from the Harry Potter films (I think this is how I indentify every British actor). Broadbent has a quick wit about him in this film and made me laugh the most out of anyone. There may be some people who can’t get past the fact that not much happens in the film, but I embraced the character study. It’s much better than films that are supposed to have plot, but instead have gnomes falling in love or whatever Justin Beiber’s life has amounted to.
answers are a few BACKWARDS from here
February 8th You Again Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 Red The Social Network
February 15th Waiting for “Superman” Unstoppable Summer Wars Dr. Who: A Christmas Carol
The film “Biutiful” was directed by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, who also directed which 2003 film that’s title depicts how much weight you lose the moment of death?
The film “Blue Valentine” had large success both at the Cannes Festival and in the mainstream. Which Brooklyn band scored the entire film?
Which Ridley Scott directed film was the first to play at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival?
A remake of the 1987 film of nearly the same name, this mainstream blockbuster also premiered at the festival.
21
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The Black Sheep Interviews: Ben & Vesper We sat down with Ben Stamper of lovey-dovey band duo Ben & Vesper to talk insults, accordions and being married to your bandmate. They have a new album, Honors, out right now. You should buy it. The Black Sheep: So you and Vesper are married. Did it has a band sound. It was recorded quickly to contain that you meet and start a band, or start a band and get live feeling. It really defines a moment in time, which we’re hitched? excited about. It’s pretty sonically diverse; there are lots of Ben Stamper: We were working on our own projects, different things going on in each song. It’s a sonic journey. playing the same festival. By chance we were sharing the TBS: You worked with Sufjan Stevens on Honors, how’d bill at a concert. We met through music. We started working that happen? What’s it like? together when we got married. Ben: We’ve known him for a while and over the years we’ve TBS: How does the creative process work with maintained a pretty collaborative relationship with him. He’s marriage? Like, you can break up a band easily…you played on most of our albums. We work with him in a very can’t really say, “See ya later, wife!” friendly, congenial way, which is always a Ben: It’s about finding a rhythm that works nice break on a record. We met him many, for a music relationship and a personal many years ago when we used to run a There are more than 26 milThere's a U of I relationship. We have a process that respects lion house concert series out of our home. We porn sites both sides of it. For Ben & Vesper I do all of invited him to play, and our friendship grew professor the initial writing, but Vesper has her own out of that. parts and a lot of say in the final product. We actually named TBS: You guys have some weird both went to art school, so we’re used to instruments, including an accordion, how Ben Vesper! criticism, because that’s what art school is do you guys accumulate all that stuff? about. Ben: The accordion, I don’t know, it’s TBS: Speaking of criticism, how do you something Vesper’s always been interested deal with it in the media? in playing. The accordion is great because Ben: I actually like criticism, even if it’s DID YOU KNOW it’s so portable and has a unique sound. negative, assuming that it’s obvious that the TBS: What’s the weirdest instrument you reviewer really thought it out. I play for an audience, so it guys have worked with? would be foolish to discount a well thought-out voice. Ben: I’d say an old piano I dismantled. I took the sound TBS: Let’s talk about your new album, Honors, what board out and tuned it to a really unique tune. can a listener expect to hear on it? TBS: At what point did you decide that was a good Ben: It’s our second full-length album. It’s a new experience idea? for me because it’s composed of newer material as well as Ben: (Laughs) I think that…whatever arrangement we’re some old material. I’m not used to working with old material playing with has to serve the material in the end. You may because it feels dated to me. It’s based around a live band, have the idea to use this random instrument- this thing no
music
Brendan wrote this
one has ever used before- but there’s no point if it doesn’t serve the sound of the song. TBS: What’s the best insult anyone’s ever used against you? Ben: In a music review someone was reviewing our first EP and they said we sounded like “two Disney-fied hyenas as they corner a zebra.” TBS: So were you like, “fuck this guy!” or was it a slowclap, “you got me” moment? Ben: We were very impressed with the imagery, and I’ve even considered using it in a song. The reviewer worked at crafting a way to describe his impressions of the record. We put it up on the website. I’d much rather have an insult like that than someone taking a passive glance at our work.
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?
Out Now
Track-By-Track Analysis: Kanye West
Jessica Sommers wrote this
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy This week, Kanye West’s is on pace to sell the 1,000,000 copy of his latest album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. A couple months ago, Pitchfork Media gave that same album an unprecedented and rare 10.0 out of 10.0 rating. Huh. The same guy with multiple drunk, danceable tracks; who grunts a lot; who talks a lot of shit; who is super duper confident and pretty awesome; who has tons of mainstream success… we’re curious as to what the hipsterist of hipster music saw in him. Here is our track-by-track analysis of the album.
Dark Fantasy: The opening track starts with an accented Nicki Minaj, transitions into gospel singing and ends up with some catchy, slow-ass rhymes. Okay Kanye, we’re hooked. We could bump and grind to this, while taking awkward pauses to look around at other people. Gorgeous: Raekwon and Kid Cudi show up early, Rae with a good, hard verse, while Cudi leaves something to be desired. When I listen to rap music I want to hear something foul-mouthed and fast-paced. I understand because… Power: ...the next track evokes images of Jessie Eisenberg running around, flipping off the proverbial “man.” And now the damn song is everywhere, during the Super Bowl it was on at least 1 trailer, as well as those “The
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others
Yanni – Truth of Touch Now That’s What I Call Music! Vol. 37 And You Will Know Us... – Tao of the Dead
Chicago Code” promos they showed every 16 seconds. This does not make the song less delightful. All Of The Lights: Blinding (see what we did there?) in its above-averageness. It’s not great, but it’s a pretty good tribute to the lake King of Pop. Wait, did the CEO of Pepsi die or something? Monster: One of the best songs on the album, and the track that put Nicki Minaj on the map for white people everywhere. Her bizarre accent and random screaming in this song make contextual sense, as does collaborating with hipster deity Bon Iver, though he’s barely noticeable on this trace. Good name-drop though. So Appalled: Obviously anything that Jay-Z touches turns to platinum, and this track is no different. The dark melody and catchy backbeat resonate throughout the six minutes. It’s super-catchy, and the bros love it, even when it’s just RZA screaming ridiculous rhymes; “five-start dishes/different exotic fishes.” Sure, why not? Devil In A New Dress: The 2010-2011 evolution of Kanye’s first hit single, “Slow Jamz.” Sub out mediocre rapper Twista for mediocre rapper Rick Ross, sub out the Michael Jackson diss for a few passes at rapper-turnedpreacher Ma$e and keep Jamie Foxx away from the whole ordeal and it’s a Motorhead – The World Is Your Kurt Elling – The Gate Cut Copy – Zonoscope
straight repeat, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Runaway: “24/7, 365 pussy stays on my mind…” Clipse’s Pusha-T absolutely murders his verse on “Runaway,” and it barely can keep up with the rest of the song. West’s never had a problem with honesty, and his selfloathing is in full bloom here. This song is just about perfect. Hell Of A Life: Distorted, pulsating guitar? Porn stars? We sure this isn’t Marilyn Manson? Not a great song by any stretch, but filler on this album would be a lead track on pretty much anything else. Hard to fault West for putting out an above-average banger, did people get pissed when Jordan only dropped 30? Blame Game: For years we’ve been saying Kanye’s hubris is only a front for massive insecurity issues, and if that’s not obvious to anyone by now they deserve to get hit by a truck. This song, along with “Runaway,” prove it. A pretty song heavy on the self-loathing, confusion and sadness. Lost In The World: More heartbreak from Mr. Yeezy, but…umm…a little more energetic. The beat is sick, the lyrics are tight and meaningful, and it stays in the same vein as the rest of the album. Plus, Bon Iver again. Who Will Survive In America: Who gives a shit, really? Poetry? Oh noetry! Thin Lizzy – Jailbreak: Deluxe Edition Hawk Nelson – Crazy Love/The Light Sides Thompson Square - Thompson Square
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Valentine's Day Cards...Cut 'Em Out!
Valentine's Day Cards...Cut 'Em Out!