April 2011
se!
Fun with a Purpo
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Lowlights Volume 18, Issue 10 | April, 2011
This book of wholesome fun is dedicated to helping children grow in basic skills and knowledge, in creativity, in ability to think and reason while under the influence of consciousness-altering drugs, in sensitivity to all races, in high ideas and worthy ways of depending on others – for children are the world’s most important people, until they grow up or die.
man in charge Quinn Myers lady in charge Carly Kamp money ladies Sam Belbin Liz Higgins paper passer-outer Matthew Liesen other people we like Carly Kamp David Lauer Anastasia Guletsky John Estep Michael Benson Laura Fink Conar Gillard Corey Guastini Phil Azar John McCombs Mandy Cleves the shout helper Norie Lyman picture taker Nick Chrzanowski
s: r at e d a agazine th t evm e a d e R n o i Dear rst took over Lowlighttiso, nIseonfvirseal life. Groawviengpuutpy,onuorself
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Be a good kid and recycle this paper to help the planet!
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AWARDS: Lowlights 4 Kidz has been given awards by Educational Press Association of America and the World, Graphic Darts Association, Association of Kid’s Parent’s Choice, Teen’s Choice, Printing Industry of the World, Supporters of Childhood Obesity, Parents for Child Labor, D.A.R.E. Y.O.U.
Looks like a Nuclear Winter!
4
Could it be?
The nuclear fallout has begun!
Thank you, Lord, for freeing me from this timber hell!
A massive cloud seeded with radiation moves in.
Radioactive dust soon covers the ground.
Come inside, guys! We’ll enjoy radiation sickness as a family!
Spot! Splinter! Come on we’re heading to timber heaven! First one to throw up blood wins!
Where’s Splinter?
That stupid cat better not have met sweet, sweet death before us!
Pain-filled moans.
You made it home still clinging to life!
Soon we’ll all be in the sky and done with this perverted existence!
Lowlights
April, 2011
Teddy Used to be Shy John McHoneyCombs Teddy grew up in the shadow of his masculine father and drunken mother. Often his father was too busy in the garage to talk to him, and his mother was too busy with the baby. He flunked fifth grade a couple times and accidently pooped in the schoolyard a couple more. He had trouble fitting in, in both school and home. When Teddy moved to the “remedial” school, his teachers said he was too shy and his parents said he would make more friends if he took initiative. So one day, Teddy took initiative. On a cold day in January he snuck vodka out of the liquor cabinet and took it to school Son, you’re a fuck up, and you always will be. after his mom passed out. He handed it out to his classmates in the bathroom during recess. Teddy was an instant hit, without having to break out of his bashful shell. He really enjoyed his popularity and continued to up the ante. So he started to encourage his classmates by calling those that don’t accept his booze things like “Queermo” and “Pussy.” But this wasn’t getting Teddy the attention he really started to crave: the attention of girls. So one day Teddy figured out a way to get girls’ attention without having to talk to them – he started a business. He started a business where he hired a group of girls to give out first kisses to all the boys at school. Of course he took a cut of the action, even going so far as to buy the girls those Hannah Montana clothes to attract more boys. Teddy soon knew how to manage his business. If one of his cootie girls steps out of line he’ll give her an Indian burn she soon won’t forget. Sure, he wasn’t getting much more attention at home, but he no longer needed his parent’s attention for things like money and food. I didn’t put any cigarettes out on Little Franky, I swear!
Soon Teddy had all the friends he could handle. Like a true friend, Teddy always stood up for his friends no matter what. They knew he had their back if anything happened. Teddy liked to carry a boxcutter just in case someone wanted to “start some shit” and take a run at him or his friends. Teddy looked after his cootie girls too, once Jimmy Strasburgh tried to get a kiss and not pay so Teddy held the boxcutter to him until he gave up all his money. At least Jimmy kept his stupid fucking mouth shut. Not everybody liked Teddy though. Naturally, the more power you have the more people will try to take it from you. Stewie, for example, wasn’t a big fan of Teddy and thought he was tougher than him. Stewie thought he was hot shit just because he grew a marijuana plant in his closet. Teddy obviously had to teach Stewie a little bit of respect. Teddy knew that simply cutting Stewie wouldn’t do, he had to attack him where he was the most vulnerable, through his family. Teddy got a great idea to hide his mother’s underwear in Stewie’s dad’s car and put letters in his mailbox to Stewie’s dad pretending to be some a mistress. Within a month Hope you don’t think you’re getting child support, bitch. Stewie’s parents filed for divorce and he had to live with his mom across town. Now Teddy wasn’t the only one with a broken family, and I think we can all agree that Stewie learned his fucking place. Now Teddy only has two rules: “Pay your dues and don’t fuck with me.” If you take initiative like Teddy, you can become the most successful, most popular kid in school. If you feel like you aren’t getting the attention you deserve from either your parents or your classmates, light some things on fire or start selling drugs. Then you’ll be the King of the Castle!
A Spike of Green Poet Le Carl
The other day I found some seeds, And planted them For homegrown weed. The hope that builds Inside my heart Is likened to A swelling fart!
I know some day My plant will be A simple joint To smoke with glee. For now I wait My dealer’s calls But soon enough I’m high as balls!
◊ It’s almost 4pm, how drunk do you think the teacher is? Which kid is most likely to grow up and bang her? ◊ “Chun Li, are you stoned or Asian? Sometimes I can’t tell.” ◊ If Mrs. Jones needs forty piñatas on a plane to Hong Kong in less than hour and Shaniqua found a giant apple instead of meeting her quota, which student won’t get dinner for a week? ◊ What government funded program got so many races into one classroom? Which kids are inferior?
7
Lowlights
April, 2011
GROWING UP!
READER QUESTIONS
Why does my dad have hair between his legs? -Anastasia Guletsky, 8
As boys and girls grow older they go through what is called “puberty.” During puberty their bodies change—they get taller and stronger and they grow hair where they didn’t have hair before. Especially Greek people.
Of course there is! One day Dark Lord Cthulhu will rise from under the seas and envelop the world in his dark embrace! On that day we shall all rejoice in his betentacled splendor! Pray to him, for soon his great power shall be known!
Error We want your party pictures.
Therou Black GhSheep draft
Send in your pictures to pics@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them on our website!
Email your party pictures to pics@roughdraftonline.com
ON RELIGION!
Is there a God? -Michael Benson, 7
High-and-Seek
Recipes from Drug Addicts! Craft Magic!
Rules for Addiction By: Do it Right
Hey there, guys, I’m gonna share a recipe for the three things you have to keep in order to be a good addict. I know a lot of us are pros already, but a little advice is always good. It’s called the KKK system. 1. Keep a hefty supply of whatever gives you your fix. 2. Keep your responsibilities to a minimum. 3. Keep a well diversified stock portfolio. Ha just kidding about the last one. You’re an addict! You don’t care about your financial future. It’s actually, “Keep yourself surrounded by enablers.” As long as these three rules are kept, you can collapse deep into a drug-induced stupor and never again see the harsh light of the real world. Happy abusing!
A Delicacy from Behind Bars
By: Fantastic Fumes
I know, as a good addict, I should have no responsibility, but sometimes even an estranged mess has to do some community work. Why not use this opportunity to get high? Parents will let anyone watch their kids, so: 1. Get a group together and set up a craft area in a poorly ventilated room. 2. Elmer’s school glue works for almost any project, but it won’t get you buzzing like modeling glue can. Take a quick trip to the hobby store and buy the good stuff. 3. Lay out lots of sharpies for the kids to use. It’ll send you back to the good old days of getting high in middle school. These two items alone should get a nice haze going, but here comes the topper. 4. When a kid makes a mess, which one surely will, unleash the most potent cleaner available. The resulting trio of modeling glue, sharpies, and cleaner will give you the good time you were looking for without leaving you smelling like booze when the parents come to pick their unfortunate kids up. Or it will leave you dead, but it’s all part of the fun!
By: Your Pruno Pal
Hey guys, good news! I got released from prison! I saw a lot of despicable things in there that I’d rather you not ask me about, but I also learned of a neat little concoction called “pruno.” Let me lead off by telling you this stuff is gross, but if you’re strapped for cash like a lot of addicts I know, it’ll do. All you need is ketchup, fruit such as an orange, and sugar. 1. Mash up the ketchup and orange in a bag. 2. Add sugar. 3. Go on a week-long meth binge while the pruno ferments. 4. Enjoy! You’ll soon slip into that drunken state you love so much. Unfortunately, I can’t drink the stuff anymore without having vivid flashbacks to being sodomized and shanked, but you won’t have that mental burden.
10
Fuel Your High By: A Fire Inside
I read somewhere that in Kenya they’ll drink actual jet fuel to get a buzz. I didn’t know how to get my hands on jet fuel, so I tried some gasoline from my 1991 Ford Taurus instead. Hey! It actually worked. Then I wondered what else I could drink. I tried kerosene oil, propane from my grill, some Zippo lighter fluid, you name it I drank it. It all worked like a charm! I came up with a good rule of thumb, and I guess it serves as my recipe: 1. If it’s flammable, it can probably get you feeling pretty good, so just pour yourself a glass of a fire hazard. Don’t ask me why it works, I’m not a chemist. But what a find!
Lowlights
April, 2011
The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3
SPECIAL NIGHT
T-N-T! Tuesday Night Trivia 7PM Liquid Courage Karaoke 9:30 $4 SVEDKA MARTINIS! $1.50 MILLER HL BTLS
March College Basketball Madness Join us for GREAT Miller Lite Specials! Shoot Hoops & WIN prizes! Championship Game Monday April 4th!
FRI: HENRY ROLLINS: 50 (Spoken Word - Early)
WED 3/30
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Keystone Light Taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic, $2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
THURS 3/31
THuRSTY THuRSDAY Rotating DJ Schedule $4 Select Sobieski Vodka Martinis! $3.50 Bells Oberon Pints $3 Red Stripe/Red Stripe Light
FRI 4/01
SAT 4/02
FRI: SOX OPENING DAY SOX vs INDIANS 2PM WIN SOX TIX! Happy Hour Food Special 2pm-9pm $3 PIZZAS! Your Choice of Any Pizza on Our Menu! $3 Cruzan Rum, $3 Absolut Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $2 Bud Light Tallboy 24oz Cans
FRI: CUBS OPENING DAY sm Cubs vs Pirates 1pm BLUE BEER on TAP WIN LOTS of CUBS TICKETS! Hawks vs Blue Jackets 6pm Bulls vs Pistons 6:30pm
TUESDAY: Logo Glass Night $3 Glass $2 Refills
WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAYS! Mug Night! DJ Support from Chalicedubs.com $5 Mugs for Purchase, $3 Drink Special refills! Come out to win FREE GIRL TALK tickets!
$2 Stella Artois Bottles $2 Malibu Rum $2 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Jim Beam Whiskey
Minute to Win It Win Cubs Tickets! $2 Svedka, $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Get the New Firehaus Mug! $2 Bud Refills, $3 Goose Refills Bulls vs Timberwolves 7pm
$1 Domestic Bottles $1 Chicken Strips
$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $3.75 Miller/Coors Pitchers
COLOUR REVOLT with SO LONG FORGOTTEN (Early) ZACH MAY & THE MAPS with GRANDKIDS and THE MEAN LIDS (Late)
Thursday Night RAGE! w/ DJ Mixx $2 Skyy Vodka, $2 Long Islands $3 Skyy Vodka Red Bull $3 Vegas Bombs $2 Any Beer Btl. in the House!
Cardinals Opening Day Cards vs Padres 3pm $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson $3 Boddington Pub Cans $2 Amaretto's
$1 Wells
DJ Ian Procell & DJ REFLEX 10PM (house)
$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
HENRY ROLLINS: 50 (Spoken Word - Early)
SOX OPENING DAY SOX vs INDIANS 2PM WIN SOX TIX! Happy Hour Food Special 2pm-9pm $3 PIZZAS! Your Choice of Any Pizza on Our Menu! $3 Cruzan Rum, $3 Absolut Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $2 Bud Light Tallboy 24oz Cans
CUBS OPENING DAY Cubs vs Pirates 1pm BLUE BEER on TAP WIN LOTS of CUBS TICKETS! Hawks vs Blue Jackets 6pm Bulls vs Pistons 6:30pm
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Vodka Redbull
SATURDAY THROWDOWN! DJ MERTZ 10 PM
$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Bacardi, $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
RTB Entertainment Presents: THE RED CARPET AFFAIR PARTY
$3 Jager Bombs $3 Wild Turkey $3 Bacardi $3 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles Wild Turkey Promo 11pm
FINAL 4 Weekend Butler vs. VCU 5pm UConn vs Kentucky 8pm WIN CUBS TICKETS Bulls vs Toronto 7pm $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Vegas Bombs
$3 Captain Morgan $4 Bombs
** CLOSED **
Book your next party or event at the Clybourne Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Blackhawks vs Lightning 6pm Sox vs Indians Noon Cubs vs Pirates 1:20pm Cards vs Padres 1:20pm $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings
Trivia Night! $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells
NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP 8pm - WIN CUBS TICKETS!! 1:20pm Cubs vs Arizona 7:00pm Cards vs Pirates $1 BUD LIGHT DRAFTS $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Sauza Tequila
$2.50 Coronas $1 Tacos
Phi Kappa Psi presents NAPALM with MIC KING and FISHR PRYCE (Late)
Phi Kappa Psi presents NAPALM with MIC KING and FISHR PRYCE (Late)
SUN 4/03
Closed
Closed
MON 4/04
Van Gogh a Go Go! $5 Van Gogh Cocktails PINEAPPLE ACAI BLUEBERRY DOUBLE ESPRESSO VG GIN $6 Van Gogh Martinis DIRTY MASTERPIECE PINEAPPLE GIMLET ACAI COSMO GIMLET
$1 Wells $2 JUMBO Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm after pub quiz Bonus Rounds of Buzztime Trivia - extra prizes
$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells
National Championship Game at 8pm $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE!
TUES 4/05
T-N-T! Tuesday Night Trivia 7PM Liquid Courage Karaoke 9:30 $4 SVEDKA MARTINIS! $1.50 MILLER HL BTLS
22oz. Mug Club $5 Buys a Mug Filled $3 Refills of Wells, ANY TAP & MORE! $5.50 Party Pitchers (Too many flavors!) $2 Shot Menu Kamikazes & Much More!
THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!
WINE NIGHT with Milk N Cookies $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles Svedka Girls
$2.99 Ch. Burger & FF 4-9pm $2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Sharkbowls $5 Bud Lt Pitchers $3 Soco Shots & Drinks Blackhawks vs Canadiens 7pm Bulls vs Suns 7pm
Logo Glass Night $3 Glass $2 Refills
WED 4/06
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.50 Keystone Light Taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic, $2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
STEVE AOKI with PROBCAUSE and DJ EV
$2 Stella Artois Bottles $2 Malibu Rum $2 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Jim Beam Whiskey
Minute to Win It Win a Blu Ray Player $2 Svedka, $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Get the New Firehaus Mug! $2 Bud Refills, $3 Goose Refills
$1 Domestic Bottles $1 Chicken Strips
The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3
Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERYDAY: $5 Pitchers, $1 Drafts $1 Cherry Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $1 Kamikaze $2.50 Shot Board Shots
Happy Hour 6-8 Everyday MONDAY: $1 Off All Apps 1/2 Price Apps 1/2 Off All Hookah's After 5PM Special(at Night GSC2) $2 Miller Lite and Coors Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Free Pool During Light Drafts FreeHappy pool during happy hour!!! Hour!
SATURDAY: DUBSTEP MASSACRE! Doors 9:00pm Harsh/AMS, Miss Thang White Rabbit, Doombox Noah D
Friday: Live Band 5-8 Live DJ's in the Beer Garden 9 - Midnight Bud Light Happy Hour 6-8: Win 2 Pairs of Cubs Tix!
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (After 6pm)
WED 3/30
$2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music
Bombs Away Wednesday $2 Any Bomb Check Out 3 DJ's Spinning at the Same Time in the Middle of the Crowd!
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
THURS 3/31
$1 Bottles $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Double Rum Wells LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$4 ICB’s $3.50 Pitchers Miller & Bud Lite $2 All 12 oz. Bottles $3 Dr's. $4 Strong Islands
“After Hours” w/ DJ Hot Saus $3 Strong Islands & Cup of Shots $8 Bottles of Wine & Champagne $2 Smirnoff ICE $4 24oz Campus Special U-Call-ITS (Shacker’s, Ice Bombs, G-bombs, Vegas Bombs, etc.
1/2 Price Burgers on OPENING DAY 2011! $3 Stoli U Call It $2 Miller Family Beers DJ Spydey
$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
FRI 4/01
$4 Double Red Bull Vodkas $2.50 Amaretto Stone Sours $3 Strong Islands LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2 Miller Lt., $2.50 Dr's $3 Cpt. & Coke $3 Vodka Red Bulls $4 Signature Drinks
The Perfect Place for the CUBS, SOX, and CARDS GAMES!
Salsa w/DJ BR!S 8PM
Live Band 5-8 Live DJ's in the Beer Garden 9 - Midnight Bud Light Happy Hour 6-8: Win Cubs Tix!
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
SAT 4/02
$3.50 Jager Bombs $3 Double Vodka Wells $2.50 Tequila Sunrise LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2 Budweisers $3 Dr's., $3 Cpt. & Coke $4 Double Vodka Red Bulls $4 O Yeahs
The Perfect Place for the FINAL FOUR!
DUBSTEP MASSACRE! Doors 9:00pm Harsh/AMS, Miss Thang White Rabbit, Doombox Noah D
Watch the Final Four with a 1/2 Price Burger Burgers served till 9 Butler VCU tip 5pm $2 Red Headed Sluts & Kamikazes
FINAL FOUR! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
$2 U CALL IT
Free Pool All Night $1 Miller Lite & Bud Light Draft’s $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Strong Islands
Come watch all the games! $2.50 Import Bottles
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Sunday Funday Juggling Lessons at 11...ask for JH Play Clue at Midnight with Jess and Jordan
Baseball is Here! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells
MON 4/04
$5 Pitchers 50¢ Pizza Slices
$1 Pint Refills of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Miller Bottles $3 Rumpleminze $4 Double Vodka/RB $1 Off All Burgers
80's NIGHT! $1.50 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Wells NO COVER
Monday Night Joes We only got a couple left til summer don't miss em $2 RBV's | DJ Rylko
NCAA Championship! $1.50 High Life Drafts!
TUES 4/05
Wing Night! (8pm-midnight) $.50 Jumbo Chicken Wings $1.00 Chicken Strips 3 for $1 Jumbo Popcorn Chicken $2 Coronas
Outlaw Karaoke $2 Bud and Miller Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Strong Islands $3.50 Motza Sticks
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Tequila Tuesday at the 8th Grade Dance $1 Tequila Shots $1 Jello Shots $2 Blue Moons
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)
WED 4/06
$2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 ICB’s
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music
Waffle Fry Wednesdays Get your waffle fry fix one day a week only $2 Any Bomb DJ John Han & 3AM Nation
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
35 E. Green Street
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona Wednesday $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4Bombs ICB’s $2.50 Jager $3 Strong Islands
SUN 4/03
1/2 Price Apps After 5PM $2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts
DJ DELAYNEY (10PM) House, Hip-Hop, R&B, & Old School Dance
KAM'S
The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3
FRI: CUBS HOME OPENER! Open at 11AM, Game at 1PM Beer Garden Cookout! Captain Party! $2.50 Captain, $3 Cuervo, $3 Ursus & BAM $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles $6 Lite Pitchers
Win a Nintendo 3DS! Come in often to fill out a free raffle ticket!
FRIDAY: $2.75 Miller Lite, Coor's Light, Bud, and Bud Light $5.00 Double Skyy Vodka $5.00 Double Wild Turkey
THURS: Shacker Night with Milk N Cookies $5 UV Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles
SATURDAY: Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More
TUES: Das Boot Night $10 boot and fill, $5 refill (1 liter boots with White Horse logo)
SPECIAL NIGHT
BUD POST SPRING BREAK PARTY! $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $3 UV Vodka & Bam $2.50 Bacardi Drinks
School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles
$1 Old Man Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Amaretto
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain and Cola Pitchers
WED 3/30
klub kams! $3 UV & Bam $2 Lite Bottles $1 Miller High Life Bottles
Logo Glass Night $2 Refills $2 Bacardi Drinks
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $6.75 Pitchers Killians & Honey Brown $2 Pinnacle Vodka & Jim Beam Singles $2 Burst Shots $4 Bacardi Doubles
Shacker Night with Milk N Cookies $5 UV Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles
SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT
$7.50 Pitchers of Miller, Coors, and Killians $7.50 Pitchers of Whiskey Cola $13.00 Jack and Cola Pitchers $3.00 Cherry Bombs
THURS 3/31
CUBS HOME OPENER! Open at 11AM, Game at 1PM Beer Garden Cookout! Captain Party! $2.50 Captain, $3 Cuervo, $3 Ursus & BAM $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles $6 Lite Pitchers
$2 Miller Lite Bottles $4 Neon 99s $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover
$2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $7.00 Killians and Honey Brown Pitchers $4.50 Skyy Doubles $4.50 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.50 Dr McGuillicuddy Shots
$3 Bacardi $3 Jager Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles Bacardi Girls 11pm
Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!
$6.00 Miller/Coors Pitchers $9.00 Premium Beer Pitchers
FRI 4/01
SVEDKA GOT BOT PARTY! $3 Vodka & BAM Party Like It's 2033 NEON BLACKOUT! NCAA FINAL FOUR!
$2 Coors Light Bottles $4 Neon 99s $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover
$2 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $7 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout $4.50 Bacardi & Jim Beam Doubles $2.50 Burst Shots
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Absolut $3 Jim Beam $3 VEGAS Bombs Beam Girls 11pm
Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More
$2 High Life Drafts $2.50 Well Drinks $3 Jaeger Bombs
SAT 4/02
$1.50 U CALL IT Drafts, Bottles, Wells, Calls
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Any Draft $2 Bacardi Drinks
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2 Well Mixers & Burst Shots $4 Wild Turkey & Skyy Vodka Doubles
Book your next party or event at the Red Lion Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)
Closed
SUN 4/03
NCAA CHAMPIONSHIP! $1 Wells and Drafts $2 Bottles and Energy Drinks $3 Pitchers
$2 All Bottles including imports $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!"
Global Draft Night! $5 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Captain Morgan Doubles
$1 U CALL IT $1 Sauza Tequila Shots $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers DJ Marshmallow Sauza Tequila Promo
BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)
$2 DOMESTIC Bottles
MON 4/04
Country Music Star Samantha Madison from Wildcard LIVE! $3.25 Double Beam Drinks Blackhawks at 6:30
Ride the Rail! $2 Miller Lite/Coors Light $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!
$1.50 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.00 Bacardi Singles & Burst Shots $4.00 Pinnacle Vodka and Jim Beam Doubles
$2 Skyy Vodka $2 Wild Turkey $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Goose Island 312 Drafts $2 UV Vodka & Red Bull
CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)
Das Boot Night $10 boot and fill, $5 refill (1 liter boots with White Horse logo)
TUES 4/05
FRATTLE of the DJs! $1000 GRAND PRIZE! $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $3 UV Vodka & Bam $2.50 Bacardi Drinks
School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles
$1 Old Man Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Amaretto
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain and Cola Pitchers
WED 4/06
sm
m o r Art f tes! Athle
-Mike Tisdale
Oh Mike, you big goon. You love basketball, huh! You love to play with all the little red people and you’re so tall you could dunk into the sun! Or is that little person a girl, trying to give you flowers? But you’re too tall for her to reach your heart, so all you can do is dunk the world into the sun, and drown your sorrows.
Goo. Is this a rocket fueled by shit? What really grabs my attention is the snake crawling out of the brown-yellow chaos. Is this the snake that hides deep inside of you, waiting to come out and choke-slam a bitch? Tame the beast, Eddie, or you’ll never get a job at Nate Scheelhaase’s restaurant.
-Demetri McCamey Wow Demetri, this is a really good drawing! It’s a happy basketball! Crying and spitting blood.Are you trying to say that every time you play basketball you are flooded with images of Coach Bruce basketball spitting blood, and throwing spiders at you? It’s okay, no one is making you play basketball anymore, the nightmare is over.
-Eddie McGee
Thanks to all you readers for sending in your art projects! This issue is special, featuring art projects from your favorite athletes!
I WONDER... why the dog is burying the bone?
Why not do it?
If the height of Niagara Falls is 53 meters and the acceleration due to gravity is 9.8 m/s2, how fast will your barrel be going when you die on impact? (Answer: 32.23 m/s or 72.1 mph)
See for yourself! Try to grow some cannabis. As the leaves grow, compare and contrast them with the leaf pictured to the right. What did you find?
This dog’s intent is not actually to bury the bone but to destroy the lawn. For reasons unknown, dogs harbor contempt for Hispanics. They like to wreck any work a Hispanic does, and often times that means ruining well landscaped yards.
It’s a porcu-“pine” tree!
Write to "Dino Don" Every month we pay a hobo named Dino Don to answer your questions about dinosaurs! Never be a paleontologist, kids!
Since snakes are reptiles and some species are venomous with fangs, did any dinosaurs have venom and fangs? S.C. Latane, Age 10, Champaign That is a very stupid question, S.C. Dinosaurs aren’t even related to reptiles. If you picked 15
up a single copy of Dinosaur Monthly in the ten years you’ve been alive you would know that. On the bright side, you’ve finally given me an idea for the screenplay I’ve been working on.
T. Rex: one hour
into acid trip
They better not have existed! My favorite genre of book is the fantasy novel, most notably those novels about dragons. I’ll be damned if my collection of 700+ dragon fantasy books turns Did dinosaur dragons ever into a collection of 700+ dragon live? Quinn Myers, Age 21, Ottawa historical fiction books!
Lowlights
April, 2011
Goofus and Gallant: Fight Club
16
Goofus makes explosives out of simple household items.
Gallant had become a slave to the IKEA catalog.
Goofus is suspiciously close to Gallant’s apartment fire.
“My whole life was in that apartment! I had it all. I had a stereo that was very decent, a wardrobe that was getting very respectable. I was close to being complete.”
Goofus’ dad left when he was six. He wants to fight that bastard.
Goofus started a fight club.
“You’re too fucking short to join! And you, bitch. You’re nothing! Get the fuck off my porch.”
All of this feels familiar to Gallant.
Goofus thinks some casualties are necessary for the final plan.
“He was Bob. He was a decent man, and we're not gonna bury him at the fucking can food drive!”
If you wake up at a different time, in a different place...
...could you wake up as a different person?
Lowlights
April, 2011
Answered by some random “Doctor”
Talking Tummy: I had unprotected sex. Now my tummy is kicking and stuff. Why is that? -Lauren Lee, Age 16, Massachusetts
I was at the zoo the other day, and saw cows! They looked so cool! What do they do? -Amanda McDowell, Age 8, Tennessee
Good job moron, you already answered the first part of your question. You sure your mom didn’t drink when you were in her pussy? One reason cows exist is to serve as entertainment for little brats like you. They are violently stolen from the wild, chained up, driven 300 miles away, flogged within an inch of their life, then dropped off at a zoo where they are held captive in a tiny little area. This way, children can point at and harass them. I bet that’s what you did, right little Mandi? You’re probably wondering what they do after
they’re released from the zoo. Well, they go back to the farm. Isn’t that exciting? Once they are back, some crazy old farmer tugs and tugs and tugs as HARD as he can on those tits. He tugs so hard, he practically rips them out of their bodies. You’ll know what that’s like when you let a John do it to you for a quick $20. It’s very degrading. Then, milk comes out of their tits. You drink it. Hope you feel better about yourself now. After those cows are sucked dry of their milk, they are beaten and slaughtered for your enjoy-
ment. They’re formed into patties and shipped to a supermarket so your parents can buy them. Then, they’ll make you one so that you’ll shut up and stop crying after you get your hand caught in the lawnmower. If the cow is lucky it’ll exact its revenge on you in the afterlife. You see, some meat is tainted with this thing called Mad Cow Disease. If someone, like you, eats the tainted meat your brain will slowly rot and you’ll die. And that’s pretty much all cows do.
Well Lauren, you’re pregnant. Congratulations! I mean, I think you might be a little young, seeing is that you’re only 16 years old and still using terminology such as “tummy”. Technically in the state of Illinois, you’re not even legally allowed to have sex yet! But we’ll just leave that little tid-bit of information between you and me...and everyone else reading this magazine...and the doctor who will be delivering your baby... Actually, hang on just one second-there is still a chance that you’re not pregnant. I just Googled, er, I mean, remembered from med school, that there are other symptoms besides just kicking that fully indicate pregnancy. For starters, when’s the last time your, um, little red riding hood came traipsing through town? She usually comes every month, correct? If she hasn’t, then chances are you have a baby comin’. Are you nauseous? Sick to your stomach? I’m not talking about the kind of sickness you feel after eating mystery meat at your school’s cafeteria. Just plain old sick. Like, throwing up. And how much weight have you gained? Are you sure you even had sex? You kids these days don’t know the difference between a kiss and a fuck. Excuse my language. Anyway, you might just have an ulcer. Hope this helps!
If it looks like poop, you should see how it tastes!
Role-playing can bring a fun aspect to any bestiality relationship!
Cutting someone’s rope on a steep cliff can be a great practical joke for all ages!
Daddy says braids make good handlebars for boys!
18
Lowlights
April, 2011
"Benny's mom could not get rid of that little bastard"
When Benny Was Lost
Quinn Myers
When Benny and Mom went shopping, Benny kept getting lost. He didn’t mean to, but every time he seemed to catch up with Mom, she would tell him to “wait here” and then walk away. “Mom! Mom! Mom!” Benny called. Crowds of people walked by and Benny felt very small in such a crowded place. He didn’t know what to do even though this had happened almost every time his mom took him to the mall or the airport. He wanted to ask one of the workers, but he remembered Mom telling him to never trust colored people like his fathers. Benny felt uncomfortable in the store because there were many people of all races. “This is doesn’t feel right,” thought Benny when two ladies who looked like the people that stand outside the gas station late at night approached him. He stood still and didn’t say anything. He found the most honest looking person there, a blonde man who had been following him around since he lost Mom. He had a piece of candy and told Benny his name was Mr. Bonham, but he could call him Brendan. Mr. Brendan gave Benny his green lollipop that made him feel really happy and tired, more than any other green lollipop he ever had. For some reason Mr. Brendan wanted Hey kid, wanna see what $5 gets ya?! to make sure Benny had a healthy throat, probably so that the lollipop wouldn’t scratch his throat. Mr. Brendan also said that calling out Mom’s name might attract mean people, so he should keep quiet and let the grown ups find her. “Are those Nike Shoes?” asked Mr. Brendan “Yeah, I got them for an early Easter present!” Benny told him “Really?” replied Mr. Brendan, “Do you know where the Easter Bunny lives?” “No,” Benny told him “He lives in a Bunny Castle behind my house! You should come see him! And we can call your mom from my house!” said Mr. Brendan, getting excited. Have you ever sucked on a warm, squishy lollipop?
Benny thought this was a great idea, and he really wanted to see the Easter Bunny to thank him for the early present. When Benny walked out of the store with Mr. Brendan, a few people asked if he was Benny’s dad. Mr. Brendan said yes, which made Benny feel weird, but it was okay because Mr. Brendan was nicer than any Uncle, Cousin, or Dad that his mom brought home. Benny got into Mr. Brendan’s Dodge Intrepid and must have stopped worrying about Mom, because he fell into one of the deepest naps he had ever taken in a car.
Pa Gets Fed Up
20
Pa was drunk again.
He was also not an experienced carpenter.
Al-hiccup-right, wh-who’s gonna ride this thing?
YOU NEVER SUPPORT ME, BITCH! I SWEAR I WILL HIT ALL OF YOU!
No, wait! I will kill you all instead!
The family ran, fearful of Pa’s killing machine.
Pa’s inebriation got the best of him.
The family prayed he would die a slow death in the river.
But they had no such luck.
Your Pa is alive and ready for vengeance! Also, honey, I’m sleeping with your sister… and our daughter.
Lowlights
Kids, get your things. Be quiet. Pa just needs some time alone and everything will be fine. JUST FINE.
Pa decided to end his own life by decapitating himself on his death trap.
April, 2011
LET’S PLAY! DUI TRAINING
T
o play, use chalk to draw a straight line, and get all your best ginger buds around you. You can use tape or string too, but make sure its straight! Also make sure you have some minorities around, because they probably know the DUI procedure. Make sure one is your Asian friend Cindy, she has a good eye for straight lines. Find a big cardboard box or dog house for a jail, this is where all the losers go! Next, find your dad’s happy closet and drink all of the bottles! It might taste gross, but it’s medicine, and will make you feel really happy. Happier than you already are! One person grabs
his or her bike, scooter, or mom’s car and takes it for a drive around the block. When the rest of the players catch him or her, the game begins! Once you’ve made it back to your line, take turns walking in a straight line. This is hard, isn’t it? But fun! It’s almost like spinning around a bunch, but better! Keep your arms out and balance like you’re on a tight rope. If you can’t walk in a straight line, go straight to jail! Wait there until the heavy arm of the law eventually finds each contestant guilty! If you can walk a straight line, you win! Explain to the other players that you just “had a few drinks at
dinner” and get ready for the next round: standing like a flamingo and touching your nose! Aren’t flamingo’s funny? How do they stand on one foot for so long! This is getting hard isn’t it? But we’re having fun! The person who can stand the longest while touching their nose goes on to the next round: backwards ABC’s! Even though fucking Cindy wins this round every time, saying you ABC’s backwards is probably the most fun. ZYXW… you get the point! Keep trying! This is fun and good practice for your future! -Quinn
The Bible’s Wise Words! “The LORD commands: “kill without showing pity or compassion. Slaughter old men, young men and maidens, women and children.”— Ezekiel 9:5-6 "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them." — Leviticus 20:13 “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” — Ezekiel 23:20 “Slaves, be subject to your masters with all reverence, not only to those who are good and equitable but also to those who are perverse.” — 1 Peter 2:18
“One of the Charmin bears just touched my secret area…”
22
“On six days work may be done, but the seventh day shall be sacred to you as the Sabbath of complete rest to the Lord. Anyone who does work on that day, shall be put to death.” — Exodus 35:2-3
“Goofus gets into cars with strange African American men."
"Gallant grabs the minorities off the streets before it’s too late.”
“Goofus has raped most of the children on the playground."
"Gallant teaches his rape victims self defense.”
Lowlights
April, 2011
M. Benson
TRY THIS
The Wonders of Hallucinogens Now kids, have you ever been watching television and wondered why there were aardvarks with sweaters and green monsters in trash cans on a lot of your favorite shows? Have you ever been listening to some of your favorite songs and wondered how a cow could jump over the moon or why there were monkeys jumping on a bed? The reason is because all of the writers of those shows and songs were high on hallucinogenic drugs. The picture above depicts what is called an “acid trip” which means that the girl shown is high on the drug LSD. As you can see, there is a colorful form flying through the air behind her, and she seems to be fighting off a villainous character in the form of a paperclip/spider thing using a yardstick. Sounds like fun, right? Right! We take drugs all the time. If you have a sick tummy you take a drug that makes you feel better, and when you have a headache you take a drug to make it go away. A hallucinogenic drug is a lot like this, except people take them when
they are bored at baseball games or watching a Stanley Kubrick film. Some examples of hallucinogens are mushrooms (not all mushrooms, but some of them), cactuses (again, not all of them!), and a drug called LSD. What these drugs do is just whacky! If you take one, you will begin to see a bunch of flying colors and sometimes the walls will begin to breathe! And if you are lucky enough you will see a bunch of zany characters coming to life. These characters can range from multicolored teddy bears to marching hammers!
Wow you’re right! This acid is intense. I’ll take 5!
Here’s what you do. First you need to get your hands on some hallucinogens. This shouldn’t be hard, all you need to do is ask your incessantly craft-booking mother or Talking Heads-Fan father for some drugs, they will definitely have some. Next you need to find a safe location and a spotter. Find a room with no open windows or sharp objects and then have one of your friends watch you to make sure that you don’t peel your skin off. Lastly you need to turn on Sesame Street, take the drug, and be transported to a colorful world of numbers, music, and magic. Because there is only one way to discover the way to Sesame Street, and that is with hallucinogenic drugs!
We hope you enjoyed our April Fool’s Issue, brought to you by The Booze News/The Black Sheep