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“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Other stuff
Inside 05
Sex in the CU:
Some down-and-dirty advice for some postpatchouli lovemaking...
TheBoozeNews
Free...like the green in your...wait...what are we talking about? Uhhh...
The Black Sheep
The Real History of 4/20 Shmoker wrote this
18
An Argument For Legalizing Marijuana: By a guy clicking the “random article” button on Wikipedia...
21
our Guide to Summer Superhero Movies:
There’s a lot of them this summer!
Put down whatever form of paraphernalia you are holding. I’m telling you this because I’ve recently discovered the disturbing truth behind the history of 4/20, AKA the day people around the world smoke themselves into oblivion. For years, pot heads, burn-outs, and even normal folk blast Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and smoke as much as their bodies could possibly handle on April 20th in celebration of “counter culture.” We’ve thought of this day as a strategic “F- you, man!” to authority, particularly the police, because apparently 420 is the violation code for getting caught with cannabis. And 4:20PM is also apparently the specific time when some kids in San Rafael, California got together and packed a bowl. So this is just a day filled with coincidences pertaining to the number “420”, where we all come together, get high as hell, eat some Doritos, and maybe graffiti some pot leaves on various buildings. Wrong. Did you really think a phenomenon this big could be a result of a series of “coincidences” and a group of pot smoking free spirits? If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years on Earth, it’s that nothing is ever quite as it seems. So this is the REAL history of 4/20, and after you read this, you might never want to smoke weed again... September of 1919. There’s a new political party in town - It’s called the Nazi Party. And the ringleader of it all is a man who goes by the name of Adolf Hitler. I don’t really think I need to go into the details of who Hitler is, because anyone who has a soul or a brain knows that he was a horrible human being who attempted to take over the world in the most violent ways possible. However, what many of you don’t know is that Hitler had another side to him. There is a back-story to his biography that has been stricken from the syllabus in schools.
One excruciatingly hot day in late September, after many hours of campaigning in Berlin, Hitler was exhausted. Hey, it’s not easy to live up to some of Benito Mussolini’s antics. He plopped down on a big kampfy chair (which would later be known as a Laz-E-Boy) and was about to fall asleep when a strange aroma started to fill his nostrils. It wasn’t necessarily a pleasant smell, but for some reason, it was calming. He decided to follow this unfamiliar scent, and came across a gentleman sitting against a tree outside. “Hey! Vhat are you doing?” asked Hitler. “Smoking a joint,” the gentleman responded. Hitler remained silent. He was pleasantly surprised by this gentleman’s calmness, and thought he seemed like a “really chill dude.” “You vanna hit?” the man asked. A little reluctant, Hitler moved towards the man. For all he knew, this could be poison wrapped in paper, and curiosity did kill the cat, ya know. But there was something about this guy that he just couldn’t resist. So he took the joint and slowly brought it to his lips. Pure bliss ensued. For hours, Hitler and his new friend smoked, giggled, shared stories, frolicked in grassy knolls and picked dandelions. For the first time in a long time, Hitler felt at ease, like there were no worries in the world. He forgot about all his nasty plans for awhile and felt free. As soon as the high ran out, Hitler snapped back to reality and remembered that he still had a negotiation letter to the Weimer Republic to write, and it was due in a couple of hours. But deep inside he craved
CONTINUED ON PAGE 19...
In This Issue
10: Ballin’ on a Budget
How to be fresh for that formal while low on the dough.
04: Stoner Movie Ideas:
Bro, what if Teen Wolf was about stoners? Well, what if it was?!
16: Drinking Game
Dice Four won't make you screen "Yahtzee," but it will make you scream...
20: Movie Review:
Scre4m doesn’t make us howl with delight, but we don’t want to stab ourselves either.
17: Booze Review
Firefly vodka is sweet…tea flavored.
18: Top 10:
07: Sorry, the 1960s Were NOT Awesome
People We'd Want to Smoke With: Listen Seth Rogen, if you’d just toke with us once we’d stop staring at you in the shower.
An argument as to why hippies are almost as stupid as their dreams.
14: New Particle Article!
09: Vuvuzelas
They discovered a new particle! Maybe! It probably doesn’t matter!
They couldn’t stay in South Africa, now they’re terrorizing Champaign.
22: Backpage
Can you see what’s wrong with these stoners?!
06: Poppin’That Green Cherry
One of our staffers smokes some herb for the first time.
21: Our Chill Summer Music Guide Because, like, who wants to listen to Norwegian death metal when it’s nice out?
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Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Bullogna : Definition: Any sudden Chicago Bulls fair weather fansmenship. Sentence: “Kyle was just talking about how much he loves Keith Bogans, but he’s totally full of Bullonga.” Borneography: Definition: A show on TLC or NatGeo that involves crazy, wild plants and animals in high definition. Sentence: “Did you see that episode where the Thai Waterbird killed that Asian Latter Snake? That was some serious Borneography!”
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Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets
04
"What are you going to name your first-born son or daughter?"
Totally Chill Movie Ideas
"Boss Badass Bangert"
Dawn B., Freshman
by Mike Bowlson
When I discuss drugs with children, I always give them my best piece of advice: There is more than one way to make money in the drug business. If you’re a dealer you usually make a lot of money, but there is always the chance of being arrested or murdered, and your time is usually spent shopping for baggies and wearing basketball shorts. The best way to profit from druggies is to entertain them. This is why I, a bud-repreneur, plan on getting involved in the movie business. However, one cannot go in empty handed. This is not a problem, since I have as many stoner movie ideas as Trey Anastasio has subscriptions to High Times. Here are a few of my ideas:
The Shawshank Rehemption: This is the heartwarming tale in which a man named Andy is sent to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. After twenty years in jail the warden finds out that he has been running a secret grow operation in his cell all along.
Kushfellas: A young boy named Henry becomes involved with the weed dealers in his neighborhood. While only starting as out as a delivery boy for the high school kids, he and a couple of his friends eventually start running the business themselves. After a while things become too hot and Henry is forced to rat out his friends to the principal. Henry also does a lot of Weed Wolf: coke in the middle of the film, the soundtrack of which feaThe premise of Weed Wolf is that a guy smokes so much weed tures over thirty songs by The Rolling Stones. that when he isn’t able to get a hit he turns into a werewolf. This is no friendly werewolf, either: He eats people, destroys Saving Private Ryan’s Bong: buildings, and is really good at basketball. There will be a In this World War II drama, a band of soldiers, played by The scene where he is arrested for possession, goes to jail, and Wu-Tang Clan, are dropped into Nazi occupied France with when he can’t get high in his cell he becomes a werewolf, the top-secret mission to find and secure Private Ryan’s fakills everybody, smokes, then chills the fuck out. vorite bong. Now, many bongs perished in the Great War, but Private Ryan had already lost three bongs to the Nazis, and Hash of The Titans: to let a fourth one go to the hands of the Germans was not Kind of like Clash of The Titans, but with more chronic. The something Uncle Sam was prepared to allow. In the end, the premise is that the government releases the Kraken to eat Nazis and Americans resolve their differences over a bowl up all the stoners swimming in the ocean. Now, Perseus is and some Nutella sandwiches, making Private Ryan’s Bong a dealer, so he ain’t havin’ none of that shit; he’s got money responsible for the war’s end. involved. So he slays Medusa, who is constantly so high that if you even glance at her bloodshot eyes you become imme- 2001: A Vape Odyssey: diately blazed, and then shows the head of Medusa to the Beginning millions of years before written records, a tribe of Kraken. This gets the Kraken so high that he spits up all the man-apes discovers a bag of weed lying in the ground. Where stoners he ate, and they all just swim in the water and chill. the weed cam from is unknown; however, after smoking the weed and playing a few rounds of bags, the tribe goes to the Tokeahontas: watering hole to get rid of their cottonmouth. At the waterJohn Smith, a European explorer, sails to the new world ing hole, the tribe encounters a rival group, which yells and and discovers it to be inhabited by a tribe of sexy natives. threatens the group of high man-apes. The high tribe introSmith introduces the concept of the vaporizer to the natives, duces weed to the rival group, and they both live together in who at that point were only using blunts and tinfoil. At first harmony. Because of this, however, the man-apes don’t get Tokeahontas is unable to give up her peoples’ ways, but then anything done and never evolve. she smokes, so she doesn’t give a shit.
"Chlamydia"
Chris C., Junior
"Jose Cuervo" Haley J., Sophomore
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SEX
05
Bud-hist Sex Positions
in the sixty-nine position with the female on top to provide optimal blowing position. However, before you blow, grab your bowl, and take a nice deep hit. Then blow out the smoke as you go down on your partner, not only will you experience doubled pleasure from your instant high, but the hot breath of your partner’s puff on your nether regions will send your high to astronomical new highs.
Good news everyone! I’m here to clean up the stoner’s name. Wear your heads of pot proud, people – it’s about damn time society quit their bigotry and stereotyping and realize we’re some of the most creative and innovative people out there. In fact, studies that I made up for this article say that people who smoke marijuana have much better sex. I’m sure you’ve all imagined that doing the nasty while high was just like when two men with dead fish grips shake hands. But you’re wrong. This is where our creativity shines. Here are just a few positions from the brains of smokers:
Puff, Puff, Give: This position will become the personal favorite of any weathered smoker. Male and female join together
Boobonic Chrondick: A rare position indeed – only made possible when a ganja girl with humongous bongos and a marijuana man with an impressive piece get together. In this position the female wraps her breasts in hemp to keep them pressed together so the male can get his downstem some downtime in her tightened cleavage. Most couples enjoy using some blacklight body paint as a way to provide lubricant and to express your imagination.
Doobie Doggie: For those of you who enjoy the “doggiestyle” position, this is for you. Bend your female over onto all fours and place your bong upon her back like she’s a coffee table. Don’t worry, ladies, there’s something for you here too; since your face will be out of view, you get to wear the gas mask bong filled with noting but the best chronic. Feel free to take hits whenever you’re up to it, and this arrangement can be the most enjoyable for both parties.
Don't Forget: Bombs Away Wednesday
$2 Any Bomb + Check out 3 DJ's spinning at the same time in the middle of the crowd!
Hot Carl wrote this Sticky-icky Dicky: This one’s for the men to enjoy, but there is a little something for the ladies here too. After getting as baked as humanly possible, the female lathers her partner’s package with creamy peanut butter. Now that his manhood is good and tasty, the woman can add anything that sparks her fancy – M&M’s, whipped cream, ice cream, chocolate syrup, or whatever you feel will taste delicious. And then go to town on your man. This might be the only time he’ll watch you stuff your face without a semblance of judgment. So eat your hearts out ladies. Just make sure you remember NOT to bite down. Stick to licking and sucking.
The Roach Clit: Now a little something for the ladies. For this way-out wonder of a sex position, have the hunky hippie you’re with part your lady curtains and get down to business. As he’s going down on you have him take a drag off of your fun button for some celestial delight. Just make sure you trim the downtown dreadlocks beforehand. I could go on all day here people, but there’s a joint and a man calling my name. …Does it confuse anyone when I use male pseudonyms for my articles? I like to imagine that it does. Happy trails, friends.
06
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My First Experience with Marijuana: Hit by Hit Carles Barkley wrote this Good news everyone! I’m going to try marijuana, or weed for those seasoned smokers, for the first time! I know what you’re thinking, “But Carles, you’re super cool! Certainly you’ve smoked the ganja before.” Well, I hate to disappoint my hypothetical friends, but I’ve been a pretty straight and narrow cat up until now. But I’m a JUNIOR dammit, and it’s high time (haha, get it?) that I start using my college career to experiment in the good stuff. I’ll give you guys a little play-by-play, so those of you who are like me and have never smoked before, may feel prepared for this year’s 4/20. Pre-Hit: Here it goes, folks, I have no idea how to use this little contraption they call a “bowl” (which I just mistakenly called it a hitter), so I’ve found myself a veteran of the herb to help me with the in’s and out’s of this contraption. No turning back now!
Hit One: Cough, cough, cough, tears, cough, cough, cough! Miserable thus far. Can’t imagine why people subject themselves to this kind of abuse on the lungs – and I smoke cigarettes regularly. I’m told this coughing subsides at time; apparently usually people who smoke a bunch quit coughing altogether. It’s fine.
Hit Two: Pretty apprehensive about this next hit. I’ve finally stopped coughing. My eyes are already red – sweet. This second one is making my head feel like it’s made of cotton candy. Smiling has become impossible to stop. I’m told this is “pretty potent stuff” – referring to the weed of course. Hit Three: My cheeks are super red. I’ve started giggling now – I can’t tell if this giggling is from the weed, or from my thinking I’m
funny. Probably the ladder. I say this, “My mouth feels like a cobra.” My friend asks this, “A cobra?” I reply, “Yeah, cobra’s live in the desert; their mouths are probably dry all the time.”
Hit Four: Now it all makes sense – this stuff is pretty fun. My friend is lying on his back and I keep pouring water into his mouth while cooing like a mother, “Baby want some more?” This spins me into laughing fits for at least ten minutes on end. I know it’s not that funny, but I believe I am hilarious at this point, there is no convincing me otherwise.
Hit Five: Woah… Did I spell that right? My head feels the most crazy. I call Pokey Sticks – no wait, that’s what I want to eat – I call Gumby’s and am about to order Pokey Sticks. They answer the phone and say, “Thank you for calling Gumby’s, is this Carly Kamp?” Holy freaking crap. I can’t handle this. “Do you live at Illini Tower” (where I lived last time I ordered, do psychics work there – am I being spied on?) “…No…” “Okay, what is your new address?” They already know too much; I apologize and tell them I’ll call them back. I never call them back. I think about how flies only live for twentyfour hours and that must be why we can never catch them – cause our lives are in like this super slow motion compared to theirs, and they see us coming from miles away.
Okay, I’m having trouble feeling my fingers, so I’m gonna wrap this up like a nice present. What was my point in this supposed to be? Doesn’t matter – if you people haven’t tried some of the green, I suggest you do. This whole world is going green, so try and keep up.
07
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The 1960s Were Not Awesome brendan wrote this You’ve been there. You just handed the pipe off to the next guy in the circle. He’s already baked, but takes another hit anyway. As he draws the pipe away from his mouth smoke rolls from his nose as he looking wistfully at the bowl, uttering, “Man, I wish I was alive in the 1960s.” You can now rip a dreadlock out of that retard hippie’s head.
Simply put, wanting to even exist in the 1960s is an indefensible position in line with racism, sexism and any spirited argument for dubstep actually having artistic merit. Why? Glad you asked.
Technology and media: The big one. Imagine waking up tomorrow with every technological development of the past 50 years gone. What would you do? Would you call your buddy to complain on the landline phone you’re too cheap to pay $9.99 a month for? What if the line was busy? Just tune in to the glorious three channels of network TV you love on your 20-inch TV that may or may not be color. When your favorite, #1 rated show—The Beverly Hillbillies—was done, what would you do? Would you walk over to your friend’s apartment and leave him a message in marker on his drywall? Or would you decide to play one of the six records you could afford? And once that foxy Joan Baez got you all hot and bothered, what are you going to do? Go to a creepy adult theater to jack off with a bunch of other dudes, or rub one out to some mean Playboy bush? Yeah, people used to jack it to pictures. Sure, I can build a house out of Lincoln logs, but that doesn’t make it a good idea. Welcome to the entertainment single-lane gravel highway, idiot.
The Cold War: At the dawn of 1960 the Doomsday Clock— a symbolic measure put out by nuclear scientists to hint at how close the world was to nuclear holocaust—stood two minutes to midnight, the closest approach ever. Yeah, sure, everything is free love and peace until you’re one of a million smoldering corpses on Woodstock’s rolling plain because some Red private manning a radar station in Kamchatka mistook a flock of northern fulmars for a nuke launch. Sure, tomorrow some asshole terrorist could blow up a big chunk of the United States, but an all-out nukefest is unlikely. If…uh…we just jinxed it, sorry world. Disease: Sure hope you enjoy dying young! The life expectancy of the average male in 1960 was 69 (giggle) years old, as opposed to 75 years old in 2010. When you weren’t busy making sure you didn’t get syphilis from that stupid hippie chick that swore she was clean, you’d be fending off practically-laughable diseases like polio left and right. That’s right, the freakin’ oral polio vaccine wasn’t even available until 1962. Let’s stand up and applaud modern medicine, everyone! No, not you, you wobbly-legged stoner, your ill-shapen lower appendages won’t allow it.
Your Shitty Life: In 1960, 45% percent of the graduating high school population went on to college. In 1998 that number was at 65%. So, say goodbye to one of your five friends, he’s too busy working at the pressed eggplant factory to make time for your silly college problems. He has to support his four kids! Or, even worse, if you’re the one in that five you’re either going to be traveling the nation, unwashed and destitute in a crappy Volkswagen, or you’ll be slaving away for pennies in some horrible job for the next forty years as your high school buddies work their way up into high-rise
offices. Hey, thanks for marginalizing yourself, that’s more opportunity for us degree-wielding folk.
So yeah, the 1960s were a big pile of suck. Life is all peaches and cream when you think of only the good times and conveniently forget all the crappy ones. That’s how you comfort yourself every Friday night, isn’t it? “Well, if no one calls me to go out, at least I’ll save some money.” Keep on truckin’ down the fantasy road, buck-o.
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This Week:
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WE ALL FLOCK.
09
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Vuvuzelas Are a Plague John McHoneyCombs wrote this Readers, I regret to inform you that the greatest evil to strike this campus since cover at bars is becoming popular in Urbana-Champaign. I’m talking about this skinny piece of plastic called the Vuvuzela. It seems like there is at least one douchebag on every block who has one of these. Don’t be fooled by its simple, flimsy design. This horn of Hitler releases a sound so irritating that it can wake the dead just long enough for them to tell you to shut the fuck up. For the sake of those who don’t know, this thing first became popular during the South African World Cup last year, ensuring that Africa would never host another World Cup. Then, for some odd reason a bunch of drunk U of I students thought it would be a good idea to bring this God-forsaken thing to campus. Let’s examine the instrument itself. I don’t even feel like it should be called an instrument since it plays one note. One fucking note. Let’s not forget the other damning evidence: it was made popular in a game that’s not even a real sport. Go ahead and cry soccer fans, but I can lightly trot for sixty minutes straight as well. Since soccer is not a real sport we can therefore conclude that the Vuvuzela is not a real instrument. Its loud droning wail has now replaced drunk sorostitute chatter as the most annoying sound on a night out. At least I got some gossip out of being kept awake by the girls across the hall (Alyssa, you’re still pretty no matter how many skanks Tom plows instead of you). Nothing says I’m home alone after a shitty night at the bars like
playing an instrument that epitomizes that frustration. It wouldn’t bother me as much if people only decided to play it during the weekends, but for some reason 3 A.M. on a Tuesday sounds much better to the douchebags who live close to my apartment. Like any plague the only way to get rid of it is with another plague. If you have too many locusts then you get a bunch of frogs, if you have too many frogs you get a bunch of crocodiles, if you have too many crocodiles then that’s tough luck because those things are practically indestructible. I say we bring back the gnats (soybean aphids for all you nerds who care) that infested campus last year in place of the vuvuzelas. At least they died off during the winter and you can’t take advantage of them to annoy other people when you’re drunk. What I can’t seem to figure out is why exactly these have become as popular as they have. What happened to the tried but trusty, “Wooo!” whenever you wanted to express to the world that you are drunk, have lowered your expectations, and are ready to regret everything in the morning? All the vuvuzela says is, “I like to imagine my cock is bigger by being louder than the dance floor at Joes.” Generally I am a peaceful man but nothing has gotten me closer to leaving my apartment in the dead of night to track down the owner of this thing and straight up murder him. Mark my words, if you play this thing I will end you.
10
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SHOUT OUTS!
Formals on a Budget fink wrote this It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, and hotels are lining their beds with plastic sheets in preparation for hundreds of college students looking forward to pissing and puking themselves worse than a freshman after their first Four Loko. Yep, it’s formal season.
If you’re smart, you probably set aside a few bucks every week to establish a formal fund. Cute dresses don’t come cheap; neither do hotel rooms and classy booze for you and your date. But, it’s also nearing the end of the semester, which means many a Wine Night have taken their toll on your student loans. Face it, you’re broke and considering the possibility of skipping formal to salvage whatever money you have left.
This is totally unnecessary! Going to formal may be expensive if you want to go all out to impress your date and friends, but there are a few cost-cutting options you MUST consider before resigning yourself to a weekend alone on campus. Use these options and you’ll have an awesome time at formal, and enough money left in your bank account to fill your cabinets with ramen for the rest of the semester. Get messed up for cheap: For formal, many people like to splurge and treat their dates to classy liquor (you know, the kind that comes in a glass bottle and cost more than your first born). You’ve been feeding a nightly Geo’s chicken strip fix all semester so when you hit up the Piccadilly for some Tanqueray or Effen, you’ll find you have insufficient funds. Never fear! This is the perfect time to cash in your freebies at McKinley. Round up everyone you know and ask them to get the free cold pack. You’ll end up with enough cough syrup to drown the depression of being broke as fuck. Ever been drunk off cough syrup? It’s magical. Like, the 70-degree weather, no pants or bra, Law and Order SVU marathon equivalent of drunk. (Editor’s Note: It also makes your brain bleed!) Plus, your sinuses will never be clearer.
Cheap Sex: Booking a hotel room is incredibly expensive, and also very unnecessary. You’ll be at formal with dozens of other couples that already have hotel rooms that you can crash in, at no cost to you. Tell your friend you need to “borrow” their room for some play time with your date, and then “accidentally” lock the door chain. Or, stake your claim in the bathtub or walk-in closet in a generous friend’s room. The only sucky thing about this cost-cutting measure is the lack of guaranteed formal sex (the best kind!). You and your date can just take advantage of the insanely long elevator ride in your hotel, or even better, opt for a few road head sessions. Attire: If you spent so much money this past semester that you can’t even afford a decent dress, tie, or shirt to wear, you’re going to have to resort to ransacking your roommates’ closets. This isn’t too terrible, wearing someone else’s clothes is always a good time! This way when you puke, drool, sweat profusely, or are the unfortunate victim of premature ejaculation, you won’t be too grossed out about ever wearing it again. Give it a couple few extra cycles in the wash, hang it back up in your roommate’s closet, and they’ll never know.
Rides: This is the perfect time to try what you’ve always wanted: hitch-hiking! Dressed in formal attire, you’re bound to flag down someone totally legit to give you a ride, not an axe-wielding murderer or sexual deviant. Wasting money on gas and parking at the hotel will make you broke as a joke faster than you can tie a Windsor knot. If your date’s lame and not up for hitch-hiking adventures, bribe a pledge with a cheap handle to drive you. Spending your only remaining cash on formal is so unnecessary! You shouldn’t have to starve or be evicted at the very end of the semester just because you felt the need to make it rain at the last, and best social event of the year. Follow the steps above and you’ll have the best, and cheapest formal ever!
To the Kappa Sigma bros who drive by shouted at me to "get the fuck off their lawn", get out of your car and let's box on the lawn. Happy Birthday to Roberto! - with love and a billion smooches, Theta Chi Kyle, brush your teeth, your breath smells like my dog's ass. Thanks, Kevin 2ID, Second to None! To the girl who always sits in the Union with the horrid bleached hair and camel toe. Get a clue... Brunette who works for Booze News...nice rack! Chief, wherever you are, we miss you. -Everyone Happy Birthday Emily! Let's hope this time you don't make out with my boyfriend and blame it on the tequila! Kisses, Sarah To the ginger who challenged me to a chicken strips eating contest at Geo's, just tell me when and where! Cards fan you were hating on last Friday SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 FRIDAY: TALIB KWELI: The Gutter Rainbows Tour with special guests FRED THE GODSON, DJ SOLO and JAY MOSES & THE GR8THINKAZ
FRI: Happy Hour Food Special $3 PIZZAS! 3pm-9pm WIN CUBS TICKETS! $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Cruzan Rum
Red Beer on Tap for Every Bulls Game!
SUNDAY: Trivia Night! $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells
SPECIAL NIGHT
Never a Cover. Ever.
Wednesdays in April King of the WINGS! Get here EARLY to register before 9pm! WIN shirts, prizes trophies, & MORE!
WED 4/20
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
KING OF THE WINGS! Register by 9PM! $1.50 Keystone Light Taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic,$2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
JASON BOLAND & THE STRAGGLERS (Early Show!) WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAYS! Mug Night! DJ Support from Chalicedubs.com Come out to win FREE GIRL TALK tickets!
$2 Stella Artois Bottles $2 Malibu Rum $2 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Jim Beam Whiskey
$2 Svedka, $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Get the New Firehaus Mug! $2 Bud Refills, $3 Goose Refills
$1 Domestic Bottles $1 Chicken Strips
THURS 4/21
THuRSTY THuRSDAY Rotating DJ Schedule $4 Select Sobieski Vodka Martinis! $3.50 Bells Oberon Pints $3 Red Stripe/Red Stripe Light
$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $3.75 Miller/Coors Pitchers
CORNMEAL with GREENSKY BLUEGRASS and LUBRIPHONIC
Thursday Night RAGE! w/ DJ Mixx $2 Skyy Vodka, $2 Long Islands $3 Skyy Vodka Red Bull $3 Vegas Bombs $2 Any Beer Btl. in the House!
Bulls vs Pacers, Game 3, 6PM $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Jameson $3 Irish Car Bombs RED BEER on Tap for the Bulls!
$1 Wells
DJ Ian Procell & DJ REFLEX 10PM (house)
$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
TALIB KWELI: The Gutter Rainbows Tour with special guests FRED THE GODSON, DJ SOLO and JAY MOSES & THE GR8THINKAZ
Happy Hour Food Special $3 PIZZAS! 3pm-9pm WIN CUBS TICKETS! $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Cruzan Rum
$3.99 Haus Fries All Day! $5 Bud Light 40's $2 Bud & BL Bottles $3 UV Vodka $3 Jager Bombs
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Vodka Redbull
SATURDAY THROWDOWN! DJ MERTZ 10 PM
$5 App & Fries with Domestic Draft Beer 5-9pm $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $3 Bacardi $3 Hot Shots $4 Jumbo Double Wells $6 ALL Domestic Pitchers
WPGU presents The 312 Summer Camp Music Festival Pre-Party with GIRL TALK
$3 Jager Bombs $3 Wild Turkey $3 Bacardi $3 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles
Bulls vs Pacers Game 4 - 1:30pm RED BEER on Tap for the Bulls! $6.49 Italian Beef & Fries $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Absolut Vodka, $3 Bacardi $3 VEGAS BOMBS
$3 Captain Morgan $4 Bombs
$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! $3.99 For 10 Firehaus Wings Sunday Night Baseball Cardinals vs Reds 7pm
Trivia Night! $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells
FRI 4/22
SAT 4/23
SUN 4/24
Closed
Closed
Closed
Book your next party or event at the Clybourne Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
MON 4/25
Van Gogh a Go Go! $5 Van Gogh Cocktails PINEAPPLE ACAI BLUEBERRY DOUBLE ESPRESSO VG GIN $6 Van Gogh Martinis DIRTY MASTERPIECE PINEAPPLE GIMLET ACAI COSMO GIMLET
$1 Wells $2 JUMBO Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm after pub quiz Bonus Rounds of Buzztime Trivia - extra prizes
$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells
$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE!
$1 BUD LIGHT DRAFTS $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Sauza Tequila
$2.50 Coronas $1 Tacos
TUES 4/26
T-N-T! Tuesday Night Trivia 7PM Liquid Courage Karaoke 9:30 $4 SVEDKA MARTINIS! $1.50 MILLER HL BTLS
$3 (cover) for "All You Care to Eat" Tacos $2 Wells $3 Jumbo Margaritas $3 Tequila Sunrise $3 16oz. Miller/Coors Tall Boys $5 Patron
THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!
WINE NIGHT with Milk N Cookies $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 Jim Beam Whiskey
Tuesday Night Baseball WIN CUBS TICKETS EVERY TUESDAY! Cubs vs Rockies 7pm $2.99 Ch. Burger & FF 4-9pm $2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Sharkbowls, $5 Bud Lt Pitchers $3 Soco Shots & Drinks
Logo Glass Night $3 Glass $2 Refills
WED 4/27
BOYS’ NIGHT OUT $4 Martinis (4 Flavors!) 1.50 Miller High Life $9 Carafe of Long Islands DJ RANDALL ELLISON 9pm
KING OF THE WINGS! Register by 9PM! $1.50 Keystone Light Taps Mug it up! Bring in any mug (up to 22oz) & we’ll fill it! $1.75 ANY Domestic,$2.75 ANY Micro $2 Long islands (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs
JOE PUG (Early Show!) WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAYS! Mug Night! DJ Support from Chalicedubs.com
$2 Stella Artois Bottles $2 Malibu Rum $2 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Jim Beam Whiskey
$2 Svedka, $2 Malibu Rum $3 Jack Daniels Get the New Firehaus Mug! $2 Bud Refills, $3 Goose Refills
$1 Domestic Bottles $1 Chicken Strips
The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3
Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERYDAY: $5 Pitchers, $1 Drafts $1 Cherry Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $1 Kamikaze $2.50 Shot Board Shots
WED 4/20
$2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
THURS 4/21
$1 Bottles $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Double Rum Wells LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$4 ICB’s $3.50 Pitchers Miller & Bud Lite $2 All 12 oz. Bottles $3 Dr's. $4 Strong Islands
$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka
FRI 4/22
$4 Double Red Bull Vodkas $2.50 Amaretto Stone Sours $3 Strong Islands LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2 Miller Lt., $2.50 Dr's $3 Cpt. & Coke $3 Vodka Red Bulls $4 O Yeahs
The Perfect Place for the CUBS, SOX, and CARDS GAMES!
SAT 4/23
$3.50 Jager Bombs $3 Double Vodka Wells $2.50 Tequila Sunrise LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
$2 Budweisers $3 Dr's., $3 Cpt. & Coke $4 Double Vodka Red Bulls $4 Signature Drinks
The Perfect Place to GETAWAY!
SYNERGY SATURDAYS 10PM $3 Corona/Corona Light $3 Red Bull & Vodka $3 Cherry Bombs
$2 U CALL IT
FREE POOL $1 12oz. Miller Lite & Bud Light Drafts $2 Wells $3 Call Drinks $4 Strong Islands
Come watch all the games! $2.50 Import Bottles
AVAILABLE FOR PARTY BOOKING (217-356-2337)
Sunday Funday $3 Every Beer in the Building
Baseball is Here! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells
MON 4/25
$5 Pitchers 50¢ Pizza Slices
$1 Pint Refills of Miller Lite and Bud Light $2 All Miller Bottles $3 Rumpleminze $4 Double Vodka/RB $1 Off All Burgers
80's NIGHT! $1.50 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Wells NO COVER
Monday Night Joes $2 RBV's | DJ Rylko Free Hugs For Everyone!
$1.50 High Life Drafts!
TUES 4/26
Wing Night! (8pm-midnight) $.50 Jumbo Chicken Wings $1.00 Chicken Strips 3 for $1 Jumbo Popcorn Chicken $2 Coronas
Outlaw Karaoke $2 Bud and Miller Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Strong Islands $3.50 Motza Sticks
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
WPGU PRESENTS: MASERATI Doors Open 8:00pm
$1 Tequila Shots $1 Jello Shots $2 Blue Moons Come see the best DJ in Champaign
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)
WED 4/27
$2.50 Ice Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs $4 Car Bombs LATE NIGHT FOOD SPECIALS!
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 ICB’s
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music
Waffle Fry Wednesdays Get your waffle fry fix one day a week only $2 Any Bomb DJ John Han & 3AM Nation
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
MONDAY: HAPPY HOUR 1/2 Price Apps DAILY 6-8 After 5PM Special Night Half off Hookah's $2 Miller Lite and Coors Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. FREE POOL Light Drafts Free pool during happy hour!!!
TUESDAY: WPGU PRESENTS: MASERATI Doors Open 8:00pm
SATURDAY: Da Bulls Play at 1:30 1/2 Price Burgers $2 Red Headed Sluts & Kamikazes
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (After 6pm)
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls
Country Night! $1 Domestic Bottles $2 Imports DJ Stifler spinning the best in country music
Bombs Away Wednesday $2 Any Bomb Check out 3 DJ's spinning at the same time in the middle of the crowd!
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
“After Hours” w/ DJ Hot Saus $3 Strong Islands $8 Btls of Wine & Champagne $2 Smirnoff ICE $4 24oz Campus Special
Da Bulls Go For 3-0 at 6PM! 1/2 Price Burgers $3 Stoli U Call It $2 Miller Family Beers DJ Spydey
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Salsa w/DJ BR!S 8PM DJ DELAYNEY (10PM) House, Hip-Hop, R&B, & Old School Dance
Live Band 5-8 Live DJ's in the Beer Garden 9 - Midnight Bud Light Happy Hour 6-8: Win Cubs Tix!
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
Come Watch Da Bulls Play at 1:30 1/2 Price Burgers $2 Red Headed Sluts & Kamikazes
$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm
35 E. Green Street
OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Corona Wednesday $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4Bombs ICB’s $2.50 Jager $3 Strong Islands
SUN 4/24
1/2 Price Apps After 5PM $2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts
KAM'S
The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3
SATURDAY: MALIBU BLACK PARTY $2.50 Malibu Black Drinks $2 Lite Bottles $2 Wine Surprise DJ!
Win a Nintendo 3DS! Come in often to fill out a free raffle ticket!
FRIDAY: $2.75 Miller Lite, Coor's Light, Bud, and Bud Light $5.00 Double Skyy Vodka $5.00 Double Wild Turkey
SENIOR PROM, WED, MAY 4th Reading Day Eve $1 U CALL ITS $2 EVERYTHING ELSE Decorations - Photographer Tickets are on sale Now at REDLIONCHAMPAIGN.com
SATURDAY: Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More
DAS BOOT Tuesday! Keep Your Boots! $1 Hamms Cans $2.50 Dr. Shots
SPECIAL NIGHT
FRATTLE of the DJs! $1000 GRAND PRIZE! $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $3 UV Vodka & Bam Bud Girls!
School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles
$1 Old Man Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Amaretto
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain and Cola Pitchers Smirnoff Girls 12am-1:30am
WED 4/20
klub kams! $3 UV & Bam $2 Lite Bottles $1 Miller High Life Bottles All Energy Beads! DJ JOHN HAN!
Logo Glass Night $2 Refills $2 Bacardi Drinks
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $6.75 Pitchers Killians & Honey Brown $2 Pinnacle Vodka & Jim Beam Singles $2 Burst Shots $4 Bacardi Doubles
Shacker Night with Milk N Cookies $5 UV Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles
SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT
$7.50 Pitchers of Miller, Coors, and Killians $7.50 Pitchers of Whiskey Cola $13.00 Jack and Cola Pitchers $3.00 Cherry Bombs
THURS 4/21
URSUS PARTY $3 Ursus & Bam $2.50 Captain $2.75 24oz. Lite Bottles $6 Lite Pitchers
$2 Miller Lite Bottles $4 Neon 99s $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover
$2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $7.00 Killians and Honey Brown Pitchers $4.50 Skyy Doubles $4.50 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.50 Dr McGuillicuddy Shots
$3 Bacardi $3 Jager Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles
Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!
$6 Miller/Coors Pitchers $9 Premium Beer Pitchers Beer Garden is Open!
FRI 4/22
MALIBU BLACK PARTY $2.50 Malibu Black Drinks $2 Lite Bottles $2 Wine Surprise DJ!
$2 Coors Light Bottles $4 Neon 99s $4 Bacardi Doubles No Cover
$2 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $7 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout $4.50 Bacardi & Jim Beam Doubles $2.50 Burst Shots
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Absolut $3 Jim Beam $3 VEGAS Bombs
Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More
$2 High Life Drafts $2.50 Well Drinks $3 Jaeger Bombs Beer Garden is Open!
SAT 4/23
Happy Easter! Closed
$2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Any Draft $2 Bacardi Drinks
$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2 Well Mixers & Burst Shots $4 Wild Turkey & Skyy Vodka Doubles
Book your next party or event at the Red Lion Contact us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)
Closed
SUN 4/24
1-2-3 NIGHT $1 Wells and Drafts $2 Bottles and Energy Drinks $3 Pitchers
$2 All Bottles including imports $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!"
Global Draft Night! $5 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Captain Morgan Doubles
$1 U CALL IT $1 Sauza Tequila Shots $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers DJ Marshmallow
BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)
$2 DOMESTIC Bottles
MON 4/25
COUNTRY NIGHT! $3.25 Double Beam Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts
Ride the Rail! $2 Miller Lite/Coors Light $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover!
$1.50 Pints Killians/Honey Brown $5.75 Pitchers Bud, Miller & Coors & Bud Light $2.00 Bacardi Singles & Burst Shots $4.00 Pinnacle Vodka and Jim Beam Doubles
$2 Skyy Vodka $2 Wild Turkey $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Goose Island 312 Drafts $2 UV Vodka & Red Bull
CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)
DAS BOOT Tuesday! Keep Your Boots! $1 Hamms Cans $2.50 Dr. Shots
TUES 4/26
FRATTLE of the DJs! $1000 GRAND PRIZE TONIGHT! $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles $3 UV Vodka & Bam
School of Beer! Enroll Today! $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Import Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks No Cover
Logo Glass Day! $5.50 Pitchers PBR & High Life $2 Captain Morgan Singles and Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $4 Sweet Tea & Smirnoff Vodka Doubles
$1 Old Man Cans $3 Irish Car Bombs $3 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Amaretto
I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain and Cola Pitchers
WED 4/27
Smirnoff Girls 12am-1:30am
sm
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Nerds Discover New, Possibly Revolutionary Force of Nature… But It’s Probably Nothing Quinn (follow on Twitter @quinmyers) wrote this
The lab rats working out their last days at the soon-to-be extinct Fermilab in our very own Batavia, Illinois have reportedly discovered a new particle that could change EVERYTHING. But it’s probably just a data error. My research on the matter re-asserts my theory that the field of physics is a lot like the liberal arts field. Both fields attempt to learn about the forces of nature and life, either romantically or scientifically, but no one really gives a shit unless it makes a quick profit. I shall argue that on the micro-level we may not discover a new force of nature, but instead uncovers what I deem the “social” force of nature. Here’s what happened: A bunch of attention-starved physicists have been crashing protons and anti-protons together for decades in hopes of discovering more about the forces of the universe, and maybe reach levels of excitement other people get from having sex. Basically the two particles annihilate each other, and in doing so create a burst of energy that condenses out into new ones. Then a bunch of computers sift through all the bullshit to find something interesting. Usually the old Standard Model can predict everything that happens, but it cannot explain this collision, allegedly.
Since it doesn’t fit into any of the pre-established theories, it could mean a adding a new force of nature to the five we already know about (gravity, electromagnetism, strong and weak nuclear forces, and Quinn’s lovemaking). Maybe that force of nature is, like, the power of thought, or some crazy force humans have never even imagined. Maybe, for some reason, this stray anti-proton can bounce around some container creating all sorts of energy that could accelerate a car (or hovercar) to extreme speeds! OR the point that matter is disappearing then re-appearing can bring us close to teleportation, then maybe space travel, then maybe time travel! TIME TRAVEL! But there is a huge gap between a small “bump” in data that has magically appeared once in 10 years, and a new particle that runs my Honda Volkswagen Beetle (Editor’s Note: Don’t lie, Quinn). “We physicists are a cautious bunch and no one has been popping open the champagne just yet,” says the author of the article I am totally ripping off. These “bumps” in data disappear as quickly as they create a small “bump” in the physicist’s pants - they can either lead to 10 years of groundbreaking lovemaking (research), or just lead physicists to 10 years of whatever researches equivalent to fruitless, angry masturbation is. And thus, we encounter the “social” force of nature. Scientists will have trouble convincing America that although this might not be a huge discovery, it could lead to more life-changing research. If within the next five years it doesn’t make our airplanes go faster, lower gas prices, or allow us to have anonymous sex via the internet, then we’ll go on not giving a shit. As a result, all the scientists at Fermilab will be laid off, future physicists will change their majors to advertising or something equally useless, and Rebecca Black will get a record deal. This antiproton allows us to see the social force of nature, as it drives humanity to the point where we'll all just be a bunch of retards, staring at our own reflection in a spoon.
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S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH
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bartender
WEEK
of the
Kristen G ::: Joe's Brewery Major: English/Secondary Ed. Relationship Status: My box is fair game Favorite TV Show? Shameless Favorite drink to make? Buttery Nipples Favorite drink to drink? Beth’s Jello shots What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard/ used? “Hi, my name is Spaz.” What cartoon character would you hook up with? Tom and Jerry Best night to bartend? MNJ Best sexcapade? The entire baseball team. Guilty pleasure food? Whipped cream and chocolate syrup Last movie you saw in theaters? Black Swan What do you bench? More than Shaub & Giller combined What’s your middle name? Mary, like the virgin What’s the longest word you can spell? Blowjobs
dice four If Dice Four is anything like Four Loko, you dirtbags are in some serious trouble.
What You’ll Need: Apple sauce, whip cream, and various things that can be dipped.
Fatty Factor: Kids eat it, and (some) kids aren’t fat! Let’s Get Baked: - Mix the apple sauce and the whip cream together. - Grab cookies, pretzels, or your finger, dip into the sauce, and enjoy. Also delicious on top of ice cream. Whoever said delicious had to be intricate? Less is more, unless you’re talking about days off from school and time spent on the couch, man that never gets old.
Sexy Time
Sandwiches
Indian
Studying
Tail-Gate
Soups
Italian
drinking games
And on the 7th day, you got really high and chilled on the couch all day. Also known as “The Day of Rest,” Sunday is the most ideal time to recuperate during a marathon of “Real Housewives of New York,” put off doing homework for the third day in a row, and make a lot of delicious grub. The gym will be there on Monday, people!
Hangover
Number of Players: 2-4 What You Need: Some dice, some dudes and some drinks, duh. Intoxication Level: You won’t poop your pants, but you’ll wish you had. How to Play: -The object of the game is to roll as many of the same number on a sixsided dice as possible, like Yahtzee . -Each player can roll up to four dice up to four times. -The rolling player may remove a die from the rolling dice whenever he likes. -The rolling player may end their own turn at any point. -At the end of a player’s turn his total number of points is equal to the total amount of similar numbers he has, plus one point for any nonmatching die (For example, after four turns if a player has 2 3’s, a 5 and a 2 showing his score (3+3+1+1) would be eight. -Each player gets a turn. -At the end of the game the person with the lowest total score loses. -Subtract the loser’s score from the winner’s score. The loser must drink one second for each number remaining. The Game Ends When: Someone dies. GET IT?
er: t s a s Di r o f e Recip Sabbath Sauce
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Review
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THE
PAGE
BOOZE REVIEW
Firefly Peach Sweet Tea Vodka
mixer center
GRADE: B-
used to drink sweet tea like “it was milk” in true dirty southerner fashion. Then he remembered thinking fireflies were pretty cool bugs, so they just named his invention “Firefly.” The drink is distilled four times, and infused with tea grown on a plantation five miles from the distillery, then blended with the blood sweat and tears of the slaves it still holds captive on the plantation.
History The story behind Firefly is 100% AMERICAN. One day, somewhere in the south, Scott Newitt and Jim Irvin were sitting on a porch getting drunk on sweet tea with vodka. A couple years later, Jim moves with his young (non-sister) bride to an island in South Carolina where he single-handedly planted grape vines in order to produce a southern wine he invented. A couple more years later, Jim runs into Scott (who now owned a liquor store) and the two teamed up to make Firefly vodka – the world’s first hand-crafted sweet tea vodka. The naming of Firefly is not that cool, however. According to Jim, he
Use Comments “Boy that car was drivin’ real fast” “Yeah, but it sure was a NAS CAR!”
Straight up – B Squirt – ALemonade – B Sprite – C+ Water – BGasoline - F
ˇˇˇˇˇˇ
Introduction In reviewing alcohols, I have delved into whole different worlds of booze that I don’t think most people would otherwise experience. If it weren’t for this paper, I would probably be your regular college bro, drinking ‘Stones and making up sex stories. However, on a weekly basis I am required to drink all different kinds of booze (alone, but still making up sex stories). This week we tried Firefly Peach Sweet Tea vodka, it is a little more expensive than other sweet tea vodkas out there like Jeremiah Weed and Burnett’s, but also a little bit better.
Typical Drinkers Southern gentlemen, t-shirt entrepreneurs, old women in McDonalds, dreadlocked gingers, bugs
Conclusion Having now tried my fair share of girly-ass drinks, this is pretty good. If you’re getting sick of raspberry Burnett’s shots or straight vodka drinks, I recommend dabbling in the growing world of Sweet Tea vodkas. And starting with Firefly isn’t a bad idea – they only produce sweet tea vodkas, so they probably know what they’re doing. It’s sweet, but not too sweet to rip a shot.
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TOP 10
People I Want to Smoke Weed With I enjoy smoking weed. It relaxes me, lets my mind go to strange places and laugh at shit that is not actually funny. But like all drugs, if you are partaking with someone who sucks, the experience can be a bummer. You know the type; sketch out at every opportunity, shushing you all the time like the room is bugged. Like all stoners, there are a lot of people I’d really like to share a bowl with. These are my top 10: 10. Anne Hathaway: She’s going to be Catwoman. I could say that I smoked a bowl with Catwoman. People would say I’m crazy, but they say that anyway so I might as well add fuel to the fire.
9. Joakim Noah: I’ll have to wait until his NBA career is over, but it will be worth it. When he was injured this year, Noah would frequently join Neil Funk and Stacey King in the booth and he was a welcome and funny presence. I’m sure he gets even goofier while high as a kite. It’d also give me a muchneeded boost in the self-esteem department since Joakim is the most hideous man alive.
Argument for the Legalization of Marijuana by a Guy Clicking the “Random Article” Button on Wikipedia clicking guy rote this Did you know Red Leicester, a type of English cheese similar to cheddar but crumblier, has a fat content of 33-34 percent? This is a compelling statistic, yet you will still hear so-called “experts” argue that marijuana should be kept illegal. They’ll say things like, “The drug policy in place has successfully helped lower the percentage of people twelve and older who have used marijuana in the past thirty days from 13.2 percent in 1979 to 6.1 percent in 2008” and “legalizing marijuana will only set the stage for illegal marijuana trafficking in the same way legalizing gambling has increased illegal gambling occurrences.” I’m not sure what methods they employed to arrive at such conclusions because my extensive research has shown time and again that the Soviet Union won the gold medal at the 1986 World Junior Ice Hockey Championships and 38 significant tornadoes were responsible for over 380 deaths during the 1920 Palm Sunday tornado outbreak across the Midwest and Deep South. Frequently, the “anti-marijuana” camp will also try to convince you that marijuana is the leading cause of substance dependence other than alcohol in the United States with statistics reporting 4 million of 7.2 million people aged 12 or over classified with dependence on, or abuse of, an illicit drug are marijuana users. But this is completely contradictory to the well-known fact that Silas Wood was a Federalist Representative of New York’s 1st congressional district from March 4, 1819 to March 3, 1829 and was succeeded by Jacksonian party member James Lent. The facts simply don’t add up—a common theme among arguments against the legalization of marijuana. Inconsistency rears its ugly head again when they go on to present statistics regarding alcohol and tobacco to show the tax benefits from legalized drugs are greatly outweighed by the adverse consequences of their use. They’ll say alcohol use costs this country over 185 billion dollars
each year while only 14.5 billion dollars are collected from taxes on alcohol annually, and tobacco costs over 200 billion dollars with only 25 billion being brought in from taxes. When they deliver these numbers, however, they conveniently leave out one very important aspect. That aspect is the little fact that Pickin’ on Nashville, the debut album of the country rock band The Kentucky Headhunters, reached the number two spot on Billboard’s Top Country Albums Chart in 1989 with hits such as “Walk Softly on This Heart of Mine” and “Oh Lonesome Me.” The album won them a Grammy in 1991, for crying out loud! It is incomprehensible to think that researchers ignore this. Lately, “experts” have even tried to assert completely unfounded claims that marijuana use is associated with a range of mental and physical problems such as memory loss, loss of motor skills, and an increased disposition to being diagnosed with cancer. This tactic is absolutely absurd. First of all, Barbara Parker was an American mystery writer who wrote 12 novels and was a finalist for the Edgar Allen Poe award in 1994 thanks to her thriller Suspicion of Innocence. Secondly, a function whose graph has a vertical tangent is not differentiable at that point of tangency since the slope of a vertical line is infinite. Take into consideration the Pink-throated Becard, it is a species of bird in the Tityridae family that finds its home in the subtropical lowland forests of South America, or the American Staffing Association, it has been the voice of the U.S. staffing industry since 1966. An endless amount of diverse facts, such as these, supporting the legalization of marijuana exist. Those arguing against legalization, on the other hand, are forced to use narrow stats not at all representative of the country as a whole such as, “a study of fatally injured drivers in Washington State concluded 12.7 percent tested positive for marijuana.” It is ridiculous that they would make generalizations based on one of fifty states.
Are you Down to Flock? CampusFlock.com
8. Chevy Chase: The man has a lifetime pass for Fletch. If you haven’t seen that movie, do so immediately because it’s awesome. Even though he’s old and fat, I’d still have a good time toking with him, if for no other reason than he would hopefully do a pratfall for my amusement.
7. Natalie Portman: Want to hear something weird about Old Miguel Sanchez? After watching Black Swan, my crush for Natalie Portman grew a bunch more. I like to think it’s because she was great in the movie and I admire people who are good at their job, but it probably means that I have a thing for fucking crazy broads. I need to smoke with her to see how crazy she really is. 6. Eddie Vedder: With his throaty baritone and trademark mumbling, I probably wouldn’t catch much of what Eddie was saying. But Pearl Jam rules, and if you don’t think so you fucking suck.
5. Al Pacino: Did you know Al Pacino started out as a comedian? That means he has some semblance of a sense of humor about himself, right? Because if so, I’m totally getting high with Al and making him order a pizza. I imagine him being put on hold and yelling, “don’t waste my motherfucking time!” 4. Conan O’Brien: The man wrote “Marge Vs. The Monorail” and “Homer Goes to College.” That right there makes him a comedy legend. What’s that you say? You don’t like The Simpsons? Then what the fuck are you doing reading a comedy magazine, you soulless ass? Smoking a bowl with Conan would be great thanks to his silly sense of humor and boundless energy.
3. Alison Brie: She has some cool boobs. Really cool boobs; boobs that I would like to plant my summer home on. Beyond her boobs, (by the way she has the coolest boobs) she seems nice. If I smoked with her, I’d subtly mention how much I want to kiss her on the mouth. Perhaps if she’s high and horny enough, she’ll let me shower her in kisses.
2. Paul McCartney: Paul McCartney is a huge fucking pot smoker. In 1973 he was charged with growing pot on his farm. In 1980 he was arrested in Japan with 7.7 ounces of marijuana on his tour jet. That’s right, 7.7 ounces. Why the hell would you ever need that much weed? Oh right, you’re a pothead. I want to smoke and go to the bars with Paul, picking up any woman who goes up to him but gets turned down. I figure he can only have sex with eight women at once, so I’ll be able to pick up one of the stragglers that get left in his sexual wake.
1. Bill Murray: This guy has been a sad bastard for the last 15 years, and I’m sick of it. I think he started smoking a ton of grass so he mellowed out a lot, but he still easily takes the top spot on this list. C’mon, he’s Bill Murray for God’s sake. He’s a deity who should travel from place to place in a lectica as the masses flood to him. After smoking, we would listen to “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Daughter” by Herman’s Hermits and goad Bill Murray into singing along, because I’d probably run out of breath and die from laughing so hard. This is also my #1 pick for coolest death.
Miguel Sanchez wrote this
19
continued from cover story... giggling and looking at the stars so he telephoned his new friend: “Let’s meet at Big Tree every night and smoke together.” It seems strange, but all the while Hitler was scheming coup d’etats at the Burgerbraukeller beer hall and planning his campaign to run for Chancellor of Germany, he was high as hell. This is probably why the regimental staff always thought he lacked leadership skills! He would make mistake after mistake, including accidentally starting his own office on fire, and missing crucial meetings because of being distracted by the sugar crystals in a banana for three straight hours. Meanwhile, Hitler and his new friend became extremely close, sharing each other’s deepest darkest secrets and holding one another when they felt vulnerable. “I think I love you,” said Hitler one night. “Yah, I think I love you too, “ responded the man. Come May of 1945, Hitler’s power had diminished. He realized that the feeling of being high is much more pleasing than the feeling of killing people. He decided to smoke an enormous amount of weed and then take his own life, but before he did this, he told his friend/lover: “I have one favor to ask you. After I die, I vant you to smoke the fattest blunt you can possibly pack every year on my birthday, April 20th. I vant you to do this in my memory and always feel the joy of marijuana. Bring all of this weed to the United States and spread the vord. Tell people that it’s for peace and harmony.” “Anything for you,” said the man, wiping away a tear from his blood-shot eye. Then they kissed. Bringing nothing but pounds of cannabis and a fresh pair of underwear, the gentleman ventured off to America to spread the word of Hitler’s newfound inner-peace and his love for smoking weed. He approached a group of high school students in California one day, on 4/20. “Ay, boys. You vant to feel free and peaceful? Smoke dis. It is a blunt, packed with marijuana. Today is April 20th...Hitler’s birthday. He would vant nothing more than for a group of kids to get high. And spread the word.” “Umm… Hitler was a killer,” said one of the boys. “Right...” said the gentleman. “But this stuff, it changed him. And it vill change you too! Now take it.” Hours later, the group of boys found themselves damn near stuck to the couch, laughing and sharing stories. “Man, this stuff really is the shit. We should designate this day, 4/20, as the official ‘pot-smoking’ day!” said one of the young men. A round of high-fives ensued. Years down the road, this group of teenagers, who called themselves The Waldos, continued to smoke everyday, always at 4:20AM and PM in honor of the day they were first introduced to weed, and Hitler’s birthday. Soon, the public started to catch on. People really loved the feeling of being high and forgetting their worries, but turns out, people don’t particularly like celebrating Hitler’s birthday. So instead, 4/20 has evolved to be only accredited to The Waldos, a group of pot smokers from San Rafael, CA who smoke for the sake of smoking. But in reality, getting high on 4/20 is indirectly celebrating Hitler. This may or may not change your perception of the holiday, but hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.
"Let's like, 'exterminate the Jews, man.'"
20
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“Best Place to See a Movie” Buzz’s Best of C-U, 2010
K=100
Based on the Trailer
Scre4m (Scream 4) C=35 M=60 Y=60 K=100
dave saw this and gave it a...
Director: Wes Craven
Starring:
Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere, the Ol’ Scream Gang
Water For Elephants April 22nd Starring: Robert Pattinson, Reese Witherspoon, Christoph Waltz What You Need to Know: Basically Edward Cullen falls in love with a carny. Or, veterinarian Jacob (Robert Pattinson) falls in love with Marlena (Reese Witherspoon), a star performer in a circus from way back in the day. Oh, and they have a strange compassion for an elephant, in which they give it water… for survival, of course? What We Think: Who doesn’t love a good carnival-themed nostalgic romance? And who knew Robert Pattinson was way better looking when he isn’t pale and brooding all the time? With fantastical lights, acrobats and animals, as well as cutie Reese Witherspoon thrown in the mix, we think this movie looks pretty good.
Fast Five
April 29th
Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson What You Need to Know: A former cop (Paul Walker) partners with a scary ex-con (Vin Diesel) to shoot people, blow up cars, and break the law. Now that they are backed into a corner in Rio de Janeiro, they must pull one last job to gain their freedom. What We Think: BROS!!! ACTION!!! GIRLS!!! Can it get much better? Oh hell yeah. But does it need to? For this franchise, no way. Sure, any respectable human being would never actually enjoy these movies, but for the 17-year-old future fratdaddies of America, they are creaming themselves. No, they really are… there are boobs in the movie!
C+
Synopsis:
Neve Campbell, David Arquette, and Courteney Cox are back… BUT WHERE’S JAMIE KENNEDY?! WHERE?!
K=0
So are there really any Scream franchise nerds out there? I don’t mean people who are fans of the movies; I’m talking about people that have been waiting desperately for the 11 years since Scream 3 came out just to check in on thrice-victim Sidney Prescott one more time or be updated in the relationship of Officer Dewey and reporter Gale Weathers? I mean, the first one was a solid movie and the other two weren’t awful, but there certainly can’t be people who… oh, wait: I just checked the internet, and there’s a whole site with Scream fanfiction. Yikes. I guess Scream 4 (or Scre4m) is for those people then. It takes us back to Woodsboro 15 years after the killings of the original Scream (or Sc1eam) to let us see what has been going on. And, hey, everything’s fine and dandy, that is, until Sidney comes back. You’d think after being hunted THREE times by a killer connected with this town, she’d learn to stay away. But no, Sidney’s plugging some “I’m over it all” bullshit so she decides to come back home and get a few innocent people killed. And of course, when it all happens, no one thinks “hey, maybe Sidney should get the FUCK outta here;” instead they all decide she should stay with her aunt and cousin Jill (Emma Roberts) for some reason. And coincidentally, Cousin Jill is almost like a
on DVD
Screaming
pseudo-Sidney herself. She’s got some nerdy film guy (one of the Culkin brothers) aka Jamie Kennedy’s character in the first films, and a hot, bitchy friend (Hayden Panettiere). And, most importantly, this time it’s Jill’s friends who are dying off, and, just like with Sidney, no one seems very affected. Of course, in Sc1eam, Sidney had no idea that she was being hunted down specifically, whereas in Scre4am everyone should know that the killer, whoever it is, is probably going to kill anything close to Sidney so everyone SHOULD JUST GET OUT OF WOODSBORO! But, haha, I’m thinking too hard into this MAJOR plot hole. The Scream series isn’t about original stories; it’s about recognizing horror film clichés then subverting some while honoring others. Yet Scre4m even forgets about that whole thing (which pretty much defined the other three) about halfway through. Sure, when Scre4m does want to do that funny, meta-stuff, it does it pretty well. The beginning is actually spectacular in the way that it parodies the endless horror movie sequels and remakes how these “updates” tend to just focus on appearing “modern” and “hip” by giving their killer webcams, Facebook, and Twitter. But then it seems like Scre4m realizes there’s not much else they can do that they haven’t already covered.
This is probably why the best thing Scre4m has going for it: the return of its three original characters. They helped connect me to a film series I actually remember enjoying. Of course, things always look better in hindsight, and, who knows, maybe if I watch Sc1eam, 2cream, and Scr3am again, they’ll suck. But I think I’ll still be entertained by David Arquette’s goofiness and Courteney Cox’s feistiness and Neve Campbell’s… um, ability to run? Unfortunately in this film, these three get little to do, almost as if the producers felt like they should all be there but wanted to focus mostly on the younger, sexier characters. I’m sure with the huge influx of technology in the last 11 years Scre4m could’ve made an interesting story about how easy it would be to become a murderous stalker in this age. Or maybe they could’ve created a satire about why victims in modern horror films don’t take advantage of cellphones and internets like how the original made fun of victims always running up the stairs. Instead, the film just vaguely claims that clichés have changed and there are “no more rules” like the classic “virgins can’t die.” Oh wait, there is one: apparently “gay guys can’t die in horror movies,” says one character. What?
answers are a few from here
April 19th The King’s Speech Rabbit Hole The Way Back Gulliver’s Travels Summer in Genoa
April 26th Upstairs Downstairs Human Planet South Park: 14th Season Blow Out (The Criterion Collection)
In the first Scream approximately how many gallons of fake blood were used during filming?
The film’s iconic mask is modeled off of the painting The Scream by which artist?
Laurie Metcalf plays the killer, Mrs. Loomis, in Scream 2. She’s notable for playing the sister in what 1900s sitcom?
What is the name of the fictional horror movie being filmed within Scream 3?
The Black Sheep's:
We like comics graphic novels, and we don't care who knows about it. This summer seven of them are making the jump to the big screen. Here's our thoughts on them
Summer media guide Thor may 26
Four Chillest Summer Albums
Directed By: Kenneth Branagh Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins Nerd Knowledge: The easy pick for this summer’s superhero movie that transcends the genre to end up as an actual good movie like Iron Man, Spiderman 2 or The Dark Knight. Thor–a movie about a Norse god expelled from his home world of Asgard as a punishment for rekindling a war— features solid casting, a preview devoid of implied romance or gratuitous shirtless scenes and Kenneth freakin’ Branagh directing. Yeah, the guy who usually directs Shakespeare movies is taking on a Marvel legend. This one’s gonna be a keeper.
X-Men: First Class June 3
Directed By: Matthew Vaughn Starring: James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Kevin Bacon, January Jones Nerd Knowledge: If a movie’s still in production two months before it’s set to hit theaters, that’s usually a sign the flick won’t be very good. Sadly, that’s exactly where X-Men: First Class is. An interesting cast featuring (for some reason) Kevin Bacon and (for two very good reasons) January Jones’ tits, the X-Men origin story feels like it’s going to be Cruel Intentions with people flying and shooting lasers out of their eyes, as opposed to a dutiful tribute to a staple comic brand. Feel free to hope against this sucking, just don’t be surprised when it does, a lot.
Green Lantern june 17
Directed By: Martin Campbell Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Peter Sarsgaard Nerd Knowledge: From now on Ryan Reynolds should only be allowed to do superhero movies. His good looks, admittedly enviable body and perfect biting delivery all seem to be born in comic cells. DC’s big foray into the summer superherofest, Green Lantern seems to put itself in an odd position; should it rely on Reynold’s wit and charm to deliver classic one-liners, or should it stay grounded in the series’ lore? Assuming the film can strike the right balance between the two, your hard-earned lifeguarding dollars will not be wasted.
Captain America: The First Avenger july 22
Directed By: Joe Johnson Starring: Chris Evans, Tommy Lee Jones, Hugo Weaving Nerd Knowledge: Captain America looks to be this summer’s weakest major superhero offering. The film, an origin story for the titular character, appears to be high on action, romance, gadgetry, super Nazis and Chris Evans ab shots, but short on story or plot development. His nemesis, Red Skull, looks to be underutilized as well. Notgood director Joe Johnson’s (of Jurassic Park III and The Rocketeer fame) mere presence physically states the implied: Marvel needed to get this movie done ASAP so they could move forward with the The Avengers flick. Expect Spiderman 3 quality here, folks.
THE REST Priest (May 13): Based off of a Korean comic about mankind’s battle against twelve fallen angels, the movie adaptation of Priest is about this badass priest guy who fights vampires that kidnapped his niece. That huge leap in general premise should be enough to hint at a horrible movie, but the fact the studio went back and added 3D to a movie shot in 2D (a la Clash of the Titans) all but guarantees this flick is a big, steaming pile of shit. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (July 1): Bam! Boom! Pow! Sure, Michael Bay’s movies might be like viewing a 13-year-old boy’s wet dreams, but the first Transformers movie of the postMegan Fox can’t be more incoherent than the last one, so it may be fun. At least there won’t be minstrel bots in this one. Cowboys & Aliens (July 29): Starring James Bond and Indiana Jones as cowboys who face off against the aforementioned aliens, Cowboys & Aliens is thin on plot but loaded with big-time movie folk. This move is the “totally awesome or absolute abortion” movie of the summer.
Whether you’re backpacking through Europe or planting your ass on your parents’ back porch, summer as a whole is perpetually chill. Instead of listening to the crazy thoughts in your head or humming randomly, we’ve scoured the mess of albums coming out this summer for you to kick it to, grill to and beach to, always with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other.
Fleet Foxes: Helplessness Blues May 3rd
Danger Mouse Cults: Cults June 7th & Daniele Luppi: Rome May 17th
Listen to it When: You’re grilling tilapia and veggies on a warm summer evening. Why We Can't Wait: Have you listened to their incredible self-titled 2008 release? So perfectly woodsy and harmonic, Fleet Foxes define early-summer; an optimistic mindset of hot and humid, but wearing a sweater with your short shorts. Slow at times but always upbeat, Fleet Foxes sophomore album’s first single ‘Helplessness Blues’ is an indication of a positive progression for a band that blew everyone away on their first try. Headlining Pitchfork Music Festival this year, Fleet Foxes is totally a band to get into right now.
Listen to it When: It’s a fun weekend up north boozing with the family. Why We Can't Wait: Most famously known for his half of Gnarles Barkley and mixing Jay-Z’s vocals on The Black Album with The Beatles instrumentals on The White Album to make The Grey Album, everything DJ Danger Mouse touches turns to gold – or platinum. Producing albums from such recent successes like Beck, James Mercer (with Broken Bells) and The Black Keys, as well as last year’s awesome compilation with Sparklehorse, Danger Mouse is sprinting fast down the path to legendary status. A little less heavy than some of his past efforts, Jack White and Norah Jones are featured on an album that might just be ideal for the early-summer nights on the porch.
Listen to it When: You’re at the hippest of house parties with a PBR keg and smug attitudes. Why We Can't Wait: The New York duo got quite the buzz late last year when they dropped a 3-song EP, complete with lo-fi vibes and plenty of catchy chill waves. These artsy indie-pop kids started streaming their newest single “Abducted” on NPR in April, sounding even more upbeat and polished. Hopefully they can live up to their hype instead of falling down into the firey pit of defunct buzzbands, but we have a good feeling about these two.
Chiddy Bang: Breakfast June 17th
Listen to it When: Playing video games on a high night in. Why We Can't Wait: Chiddy Bang set the tone for hip house parties this past fall with the ever-popular MGMT-beat driven “Opposite of Adults,” making them unforgettable for the exact goofy college crowd they are a part of. Their latest single, as a feature on Big Sean’s track “Too Fake,” is perfectly chill hip-hop with just enough beat to bob our head while we can still stay rested in relaxation. With the success of their past album and tour, we’re excited to see how they are going to deliver now that they have the past six month’s experience under their belt. If The Swelly Express can deliver as fast as it did, Breakfast should be a piece of pancake to gobble up.
Can You Find All 10 Differences!?!
the Quiz
results
What Kind of Weed Are You?
1. When you go to pick up a bag, you… a. Throw money at the guy and take off as fast as you can b. Stick around to chat about the Charlie Sheen for a minute or two c. Try to get a free bowl or two out of the guy who sold it to you. 2. Your favorite stoner food is… a. Some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, some beef jerky, some peanut butter, some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, red popcorn, graham crackers, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, two big pizzas, water, and Funyuns. b. A delicious burger topped with a steak c. Your left arm
3. Your bud b-delivery mechanism of choice is… a. Bong b. Blunt c. Bowl
6. You’re best at this when you’re baked out of your face… a. Mario Kart b. Bowling c. Watching Transformers
4. After you get stoned, the subsequent paranoia that sets in is because… a. …Like, totally everyone can tell how high I am. b. …Why…why is my heart beating so fast? c. …If we keep being so loud, the cops are definitely going to hear us from the street...
7. When “White Rabbit” peaks… a. Throw the tape recorder into the bathtub. b. Put on some gangsta rap. c. What the fuck are you talking about?
5. The funniest thing you’ve ever seen when you were high was... a. Two dogs having sex on YouTube...or was that YouPorn? b. A picture of Nic Cage with bird hair. c. An old person eating pudding.
8. If your Mom saw how you answered this quiz, she would… a. Push herself further into denial. b. Ask you to roll her up a fatty. c. Tell you not to get in trouble.
Answers
1) A3 B2 C1 3) A2 B1 C3 5) A1 B2 C3 7) A3 B2 C1
2) A2 B3 C1 4) A3 B1 C2 6) A2 B3 C1 8) A1 B3 C2
8-13: Schwag, really? Let me guess, you’re a freshman who bought it off of some other freshman who knows a guy in his hometown, and he swears that it usually comes with all of these stems and seeds, but it’s still the bomb. Can you even get high off of this stuff? 9-16: Looks like you're the mids There ain’t no shame in being a secondclass citizen; you get the masses high day in and day out. Plus, in these tough financial times, you’ree the best deal on the market. Good for you! 17-24: You're the stickiest of the sticky icky Man, where’d you get that dank? We better fire one up before I bounce out of here ‘cuz I’m not sure I’m ever going to see something that potent again. You been hanging out with Snoop or something?
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