Illinois - 8/24/11 by The Black Sheep

Volume 19, Issue 2 — 8/24/11 - 8/31/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

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 “A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

Syllabus Week: Pros and Cons Cleves wrote this As a student at this wonderful university you’ll experience syllabus week many different ways, but I can assure you that each week will have a very special place in your heart. For some people, like myself, all of them clump together into one big blur of tears, blood, vomit and the occasional conception. For most people, the whole week is like an emotional roller coaster, and can be the best week of your life or the worst. Freshmen, you might find yourself confused as to what “Syllabus Week” is. It’s a celebration of the first week of the semester, where you do nothing in class but get your syllabi and play awkward ice breaker games like, “Two truths and a lie,” or, “What’s an interesting fact about yourself?” or, “How old were you when you lost your virginity?” Basically, it’s the only time that you don’t have any academic responsibility and everyone is back on campus. All the frat-bros and sorority-hoes decided to slap a name on it: “Syllabus Week”. Hey, no one ever said these people were clever. However, for every good thing there is in life, there’s an evil counterpart. This goes for syllabus week, too. Here’s a breakdown of the pros and cons. Pro: No homework! This is obviously the main reason behind the whole ordeal. Your professors will merely hand you a piece of paper outlining the semester, which you’ll probably use later for something more productive, like blowing your nose or rolling a joint. So, without homework or tests to study for, what’s there to do with all your free time? Drink all of the crazy flavors of Burnett’s you can possibly drink! If your teacher does decide

Other stuff

Inside

08: Rebellion Against Mandatory Attendance

What’s with that bullshit?

to be a total bro-hater and give you an assignment, don’t sweat it. It’ll probably be something easy, like, “Interview a librarian about all the research tools available to you at the UGL.” You know, things you can easily do hungover/unconscious. Con: Constant hangover Speaking of being hungover... it sucks. And during the first week of school, you’ll most likely wake up every morning feeling like you’ve been hit square in the dome by a baseball bat. The only cure is to just start drinking again. It’s a vicious cycle, people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve puked and rallied during syllabus week - not good for the ole’ esophagus. By Friday, your eyes will be sunken and your hair will start falling out. You might even develop a mean case of erectile dysfunction. Don’t worry, if you find yourself passed out somewhere along Green Street, no one will judge you. You’ll blend right in with all of the homeless people. Pro: Easy to get laid So you had a bit of a dry spell over the summer? Well, the good news is that getting it on during syllabus week is easier than being a Communication major. You can’t even fathom how horny all these little bitties are, and the next thing you know your balls are being grabbed from behind by some random freshman. You’ll be bringing a different partner home every night of the week. There must be something in the air during the first week of school… maybe it’s the sweet scent of pheromones and Axe body spray.

09: Rejects from the iBook Bucket Lists Sorry mom, you still didn’t make the cut...

Continued on Page 19...

20: The Fall 2011 Crappy Movie Guide

Everything coming out this fall looks like a pile of poop.

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Table of

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contents 7

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Sex in the CU

It’s a Beautiful Day in the

We take a seat and think about Neighborhood Hate your new what Chris Hanson’s sex life neighbors? This is how to deal may be like. with them.

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Page 10

you’ll get free beer.

Why can’t there be a “call me and ask me nicely to move my car” guy?

Rushing a Fraternity: The Inside Scoop Hint: If you do it,

Tow Guys Are Assholes

Pages 11 - 13 The World Famous Bar Grid!

Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.

Page 17

Alcohol Review: Big Flats 1901: The Walgreen’s beer

not about the shitty movie.

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Page 21

their grave, you’re technically standing over them.

author with a new book out, he can do whatever he wants.

tastes like it’s been sitting in the sun since 1901.

Top 10: Ways to Get Over Your Ex: Well, if you’re filling in

Page 18

Cowboys and Aliens: Nope,

John McCombs Interviews Himself: Hey, he’s a published

Page 22

Illinimon Cards! Gotta catch ‘em all, A.J. Jenkins!

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Michael Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Contributing Writers John Estep John McCombs Phil Azar Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves Grace Haka Hannah Johnson Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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Pic

of the

Week!

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Letter to the editor

Dear Carl, So my new roommate and I have been getting along just fine this year, but the other day I noticed he ate my Easy Mac without asking. It’s no big deal since my parents bought it for me anyway, but I was wondering how I could make sure that our food stays separated. Should I write my name on my food, or will that come off as passive aggressive? Signed, An Easy Going Freshman Dear DOOMED, GET OUT NOW! This fucker you call a roommate ate your Easy Mac? – Wait. Was it an Easy Mac package or an Easy Mac cup? – No, no, no, it doesn’t matter. Run as far and as fast as you possibly can; this roommate is absolute trouble. Sure, it starts with a harmless snacking on your food, but it won’t stop there. Nuh-uh. Before you know it, he’ll start watching TV loudly until late into the night, drinking the very last beer of every case you buy and not bothering to offer to buy you a new case, inviting shifty characters over and not replacing the things those shifty dudes totally stole, and having sex with large farm animals in your bed, without changing the sheets afterwards! I mean, of all the dastardly inconsiderate things to do he just won’t change your sheets – come on, it would take him twelve minutes tops, but no, he leaves those dirty, fur and semen covered sheets for you to dispose of. Leave now while you still have your innocence and youth about you. He will drain you of every last drop of happiness you could ever cling to. But also, nah, writing your name on your food is normal and not at all considered passive aggressive, so go for it. Always, Carl

too many... e Ic ff o n ir m ne S Looks like o . monica l

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...that's the third time Jack has been fooled...

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THE WEEKLY HYPOTHETICAL

QUESTION: If you had to give up either sex or masturbation for the rest of your life, which would you choose and why?Send your answer to hypo@ theblacksheeponline.com, or reply on Twitter (@TheBlackSheep99) or Facebook.

To submit your own letter, email our Editor at CKamp2@gmail.com

! s m a r g a n A Sexy ool edition!

old sch

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!

Word of the week Shetarded:

Latticed Swoon Car Hew Quell

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: Anything that women like that men automatically hate. The entire “Real Housewives” franchise is shetarded.

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SEX and the u

For this week’s Sex and the CU we’re taking a trip out of CU and into the world of investigative, speculatory journalism. We’re going to talk about Chris Hanson’s sex life. First of all, Chris Hanson is a living legend. He has single-handedly made over ninety-seven sex offenders feel uncomfortable on national television. Every time he draws out his vowels, over-protective mothers everywhere are forced to find new, dry panties to wear. He hosts what could very well be the greatest show America has ever invented, and he's better than you in almost every way. But what gets him feeling sexy? That's the question I caught myself asking the other

Digging up the Dirt on Chris Hanson

john estep wrote this

minute (why I’m spending my time daydreaming about Chris Hanson is absolutely none of your business). A man who spends as much time as he does dealing with statutory rapists has to have a weird side, right? I love To Catch A Predator but I don't buy Chris Hanson's act. He wants you to think he's this selfless vigilante, a hero leading the charge against creepy truck drivers and horny hillbillies everywhere, but I think he's hiding something. I think that he, like every person who owns an Escalade or a collection of automatic rifles, is overcompensating. But in his case it's different; he's not exaggerating the size of his dong, he's fighting back his own inner-demons. I think Chris Hanson is the very thing he pretends to hate: an ONLINE-CREEPER. WHOA! Is your mind blown? Chris Hanson is a man who has logged some serious hours reading transcript after transcript of online conversations between grown men not unlike him and little girls (and sometimes boys). Well, obviously they're actually conversations between grown men and grown Dateline NBC employees, but once you get past the four or five hundredth winky face, it's easy to let your imagination run wild. If you're willing to put in that kind of time into reading such disturbing material, chances are you don't find it that disturbing. Plus, when Chris is done stroking it to his homemade

pubescent porn, he gets to go back to work sending other people just like him to jail! It's like getting away with murder! And there's a reason so many serial killers rape their victims before killing them, which is that knowing you’re about to get away with murder is a total turn-on. What I'm saying is that Chris Hanson created To Catch a Predator as a front to cover-up his sexual offenses, like a 15 year-old who hides his porn in a file marked 'homework.' I wonder if Chris ever gets spooked when he looks in mirrors. The first rule of being a sex-offender is WATCH OUT FOR CHRIS HANSON (fun fact, the second rule is “spank, or be spanked”). If Chris Hanson walks into a Mirror Maze and says, "Why don't you have a seat right over there?" does the universe explode? And more importantly, who is going to blow the lid on this story? Obviously not anybody from Dateline NBC; he’s got them wrapped around his finger. SOMEBODY STEP UP! CHRIS HANSON MUST BE STOPPED! HE’S A MONSTER! I’M NOT JUST TYPING THIS I’M LITERALLY YELLING IT AT STRANGERS! I hope Chris Hanson doesn’t mind a little libel from time to time. Anyways, thanks for joining us here at Sex and the CU. Be sure to check in next week when we accuse your parents of hosting clown orgies!

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Mr. Byrnes wrote this As the semester begins we all move into a neighborhood we hope will be friendlier than Mr. Roger's neighborhood, minus the sweaters. Personally, I was more excited about that small, smelly three bedroom I was convinced was the ultimate bachelor pad by the shyster-ish leasing company last year than Crash Bandicoot after three Aku Aku masks. We all know what that's like, right? Well, once I come to the realization that my apartment's moldy finish on the walls and lack of running water isn't as classy as say, a decent public bathroom, I look to the neighbors for encouragement, hoping that they will have a couple extra missing tiles or burn marks in the carpet than I do. However, if your neighbors, like mine, are assholes that tell you to bugger off (why are they British anyways?), you might be inspired to creatively bring their pompous asses down a notch. Yes, an apartment complex war. And, like any war, the goal is absolute victory, with the defeated feeling the wrath of a superior enemy. Who cares if the other side doesn’t know we’re fighting?

• Light off fireworks at 1:23AM every night. What's the occasion? Maybe you're just a very regular bowel mover and your OCD requires you to shoot roman candles off to get ready for a good poop. • Ask your neighbors to keep a spare key for you, and then lose your key a lot. Your neighbor thinks you’re a deadbeat already any way, so it probably won't surprise them. • Collect ducks and let them loose in front of your neighbors' car every time they leave for class or work. • Invite them in, but make them take their shoes off while you wear yours (assuming they will even go into your place). • Tie front door doorknob to outside railing. • “Accidentally” set off the fire alarm as often as possible. • Break in and make the sound of a fake fire alarm. • Play “Panama” by Van Halen as loud as you can on repeat for days at a time. • Stand in front of their window dressed as a clown during rainstorms. • Shit on their lawn and blame it on dogs. • Make awkward passes at them often, regardless of gender. • Stack a wall of bricks in front of their front door. Stand to the side and ask for the password when they try to walk out. • When they try to converse with you, only talk about packing peanuts. • Instead of shaking their hands, throw them a little tickle under the armpits. • Steal any baked goods on their windowsills. • Place hot baked goods on their windowsills and then vomit on them. • Hold local cup stacking competitions on their lawn. • Hold local meetings for recovering drugs addicts outside. • Set up a ninja warrior practice course on your lawn. • Set up a zip line between your balconies. • Puke into their mailbox. • Never let your neighbors see your face, like Wilson. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I hope these suggestions will be useful, or maybe will inspire you to get even more creative. As a send off, I give you these last words of advice on being a neighbor: Ask before you take (but if you have to, just take), celebrate at appropriate times (times you find appropriate), and don't be a Flanders. No one likes Flanders. Not even Flanders likes Flanders.

2011 po

Now, open warfare is meant for those inciting revolution in the Maghreb. Here, things like that’ll get you evicted. Subtlety is the key. Onto some ways to mess with the neighbors on the downlow.

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Rushing A Fraternity: The Inside Scoop

Mike, Ben’s Son! wrote this

Whether you're a member or you just like urinating on the side of their buildings, there is no denying that fraternities affect every person on campus in a significant way. For instance, anybody who was familiar with the campus over the summer can surely attest to the new influx of freshman strutting around like they own the place. Normally they wouldn’t be so obnoxious, however, the frats always decide to feed booze to those goddamn losers. Regardless, rush week is always a great time on campus; anybody who says otherwise is lying to themselves. Free beer, free parties and drunk slags a plenty; it’s like an alcoholic’s Toys ‘R’ Us. And while it is easy to make fun of the freshman for their naïve nature, I have a great amount of respect for them and, frankly, find them hilarious. So youthful, eyes full of wonder. Most especially, though, I love seeing the disappointment on their faces later in the semester when they realize that the frats aren’t going to be feeding them free beer all year. However, if one of you freshmen wants to ride the fraternity train further you're going to need to choose a frat and begin the mysterious process of pledge-ship. The actual choosing of which frat to rush can be a bit challenging. This is mostly because whenever you ask a frat what they are like, every single one will give you the same stock answer, “You know, we’re not like those other douche-bag frats. We’re totally chill and don’t do any of that weird shit.” For some frats this may be true; however, if they’re lying to you, then you will be singing the school fight song with a pickle up your ass in no time. I just feel bad for the guy who’s looking for a typical douchebag fraternity; he will never be able to find it. After choosing the frat you want to rush you need start going to a bunch of rush events. The purpose of these events

is basically to make everybody like you. The frat isn’t going to give a bid to someone they don’t like. Typically, any kind of individuality is frowned upon. I would suggest you get a tight buzz, buy a ton of cargo shorts and lacrosse jerseys, and make sure that you always have a 1998 Bulls championship hat on hand. After getting your clothes together you need to bone up on your frat language. In conversation you should throw in words like, “fresh,” “tight,” and the occasional “deuces.” When asked what music you like, you should always avoid naming obscure bands, for fear of a hipster label. If asked what my favorite band is, I always go with The Black Keys; show me one person who doesn’t like The Black Keys. You can’t. Other than making a complete ass of yourself, like stripping naked or setting off the fire extinguisher at Theta Chi, there is little you could do to lose a bid. Once you accept, the frat life will start to seem a lot less glamorous. Mostly because you’re gonna be cleaning up shit in the bathrooms once a week. Personally, I don’t like stepping foot in frat bathrooms, let alone having to dig in with a washcloth on my hands and knees. But remember, it’s for your brothers! Also, you will need to start getting paddle sigs. For anyone who doesn’t know about paddle sigs (short for paddle signatures), basically you have to meet and do favors for every last person in your house, sometimes sexual, sometimes not. Sometimes you’ll get lucky and have most of the brothers require you only to smoke pot with them, but sometimes you will have to do nothing short of killing a man to get a sig. After a semester of this you will be home free and looking forward to three great years of Natty Light and womanizing. Just make sure to give the incoming freshman hell every year after. Assholes.

Rebellion Against Mandatory Attendance

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Carles Barkley wrote this

To The Deans it May Concern: As a student of this prestigious university I was flabbergasted to discover the now obsolete yet unwavering regulations of your attendance policy. Mandatory attendance? I was unaware the University of Illinois’s policies were outsourced from RUSSIA. Since when is this university no longer a part of a democratic nation, where people have the God-given freedom and liberty to decide when to attend a lesson for which they are paying? Of course I understand from where this policy derives: the university simply wishes for its students to earn the best grades possible, and the university feels this ideal could best be achieved by cracking the whip and enforcing a mandatory attendance on its students. However, the time and effort I put into achieving my grades should be mine to decide. The education you are giving me is a service that I am paying you to be given; it is my prerogative whether or not I wish to receive the full extent of your teachings. If I were to go to a restaurant and order a meal and choose not to eat all of the food put before me, it would not be the restaurant’s responsibility to force-feed me the rest of my dinner to ensure I received all of my money’s worth. That would be chaos. Like Russia. Seriously, have you seen Russia lately, Deans? They have packs of feral dogs taking over their entire country. Is that what you want? Feral dogs frothing at the mouth running around on Green Street? Rather, you force us to leave the comforts of our bed and walk to our classes in the sweltering heat, while nigh hydrated from our patronage at the bar establishments the night before. But we go to your classes, and we sit in your desks, and we count down the seconds until we can leave your classroom and unleash our bowels in the nearest waste receptacle; all so you can feel you have made a difference in our education. We are fullfledged adults, perfectly capable of reading the PowerPoints posted online. If a teacher

should so choose to put some information only provided in class on his or her exams, then that would be an acceptable incentive to drive a student to class, but do not slap me with your “Mandatory Attendance” policy, deducting grades and percentages from my final grade like some cheap whore. However, the only real repercussion that a student should face when skipping a lesson should be that he chose to trade the priceless values of education for a little R&R, and that is something he will just have to live with. So I ask you, Deans of the highly acclaimed University of Illinois, let loose the reins you have strung through our jaws and trust that we students respect the principles of higher education. That, despite our many hangovers, we know that we are attending the University of Illinois and not crappy old ISU. We actually care about our futures. We will attend the classes that we need to pay attention to. Place a little trust in us and you will reap the rewards of glowing reviews from all of your students. Your Loving and Respectful Rebellion to Keep Your Tyranny in Check, Carles Barkley

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From 'da Streets

Rejects From The iBook Bucket List

"If freshmen had to be initiated into college, what task would you make them perform?"

Hannah Johnson wrote this Every year, there’s a new iBook published for all of the students to keep track of their homework assignments, dorm mixers, and bi-monthly orgies. Few people realize, though, that the university has taken the liberty of printing a sort of University of Illinois Bucket List in the back of each iBook, hoping to show the students how to have the absolute lamest experiences available on campus. The iBook’s Bucket List didn’t always look this way however. Just before the censorship team got their grubby hands on the iBB List, there were a couple of gems on there actually worth trying. Here are the few we could piece back together from the cutting room floor. Have Sex on the Alma Mater. Bring your partner out for a stroll and make a stop at the motherly statue. Climb onto the figure and insist that your partner follows. Once you are both comfortably situated, let the foreplay ensue for all to see. Make sure Alma Mater is watching; she deserves a good view. Watch Someone Have Sex on the Alma Mater. Continued from the point above, next time you are at a party, find a really drunk couple who can’t keep their hands off of each other. Once it looks like they are going to leave, implant the idea that shagging on the Alma Mater is totally hot and they should definitely try it out. Upon arrival, bust out your video camera and the lounge chair and watch the show unfold.

“Do a naked slip-n-slide on the Quad.” Caitlin C., Junior

Egg Your Professor During Class. Who eggs houses anymore? Why not just take it to the next level and throw the eggs at your professor. For any people that have classes with me make sure it is on quiz and test days. Thank you in advance. Apologize to Your Professor With a Handle and/ or Handie. Once you feel remorseful for throwing things at your professor, or anything else you did, show your regret for your actions buying a handle of Captain Morgan. You never know where the night may lead after the alcohol comes out so be prepared use those hands for more than just begging for forgiveness.

"Few people realize, though, that the university has taken the liberty of printing a sort of University of Illinois Bucket List in the back of each iBook, hoping to show the students how to have the absolute lamest experiences available on campus"

Make a Chemical Explosion in Noyes. Not only is this completely unsafe but it is genuinely in bad taste which is exactly why I want to try it! Gotta make some noise in Noyes. Get it?!? … Ahem… They both sound the same… okay pun-ish me. Anyway, make sure it’s a damn good explosion too – I’m talking nigh apocalypse standards here, I don’t want any wimpy explosions that could be confused for a large fart. Shit in Every Bathroom on Campus This is a goal that everyone can shoot for. Simply keep a list of all the places your ass has laid its claim and continue to reach for the gold, or brown in this case.

Roll a Blunt Out of the School Newspaper Take that “other” paper on campus and proceed to roll a joint. The professionals out there are probably thinking that a newspaper is a terrible choice for the skin. That’s why you then sell it to the vulnerable freshmen out there who just want to score some weed. Profitable and degrading, try and make this one a “daily” ritual. Make a Sex Tape in Foellinger This is pretty straight forward. Get out the camera and get down and dirty. To make it interesting though is what you do with that tape… I’m thinking a showing on the quad would be really tasteful. Just call it an art film and no one will stop you.

“After heavily drinking, climb onto the roof of the armory and run the length of it in under a minute.” Jake M., Sophomore

Play Fergalicious in the Altgeld Bell Tower. This could quite possibly be the hardest song to play with the bells but damn that would be funny. It would probably just end up sounding like a drunk playing with some wind chimes but those who know what’s going on would get a good chuckle. Burn the iBook Get your whole house or dorm floor to bring their planners to the middle of the quad and light those bad boys on fire (the iBook bad boys – not the sexy but playful trouble makers in your neighborhood frat). For all my ladies out there, toss in your bras in order to make a feminist statement or something of that sort. Be sure to do this one last of course, less you end up having to purchase a second iBook to complete the remaining items on your iBB List. Now, go my friends, accomplish all that you can and do your damn best to have an awesome year, despite the ultra lame iBook list. Don’t you do a single thing on the actual printed iBook List though – that will guarantee a really lame year.

“Break into the ARC and lap swim naked.” Elizabeth A., Junior

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SHOUT OUTS!

An Ode to the Friend Nobody likes: The Tow Guy Salty Sally wrote this To the Mother Trucker It May Concern, Hey man, thanks for towing my car in the empty parking lot. Glad you disregarded the number I left too, keeping it fresh in the soulless department, are we? Quick question, were you always a douche or did that bag of D start developing after a series of unfortunate events? Was it after getting pelted with dodge balls that you decided to pay it forward? Or was it the time you got caught giving yourself an HJOTP in 7th grade history class that your hate for humanity blossomed? Either way, keep it up, dawg. Latarian Milton said it himself, “It’s fun to do bad thangs.” I would suggest no video games for the weekend, but let’s get real, video juegos and slapping your ham are probably the only two things on your agenda. Plus, the city of Champaign needs people like you; negative energy keeps things interesting. I mean what would history be like without the Adolf Hitlers? Probably not that cool because Anne Frank wouldn’t be famous. Speaking of doing bogus shit, I bet you do a bunch of other fun things that everyone loves. I’m no psychic but I can say with certainty you probably do all of the following: Chew your gum obnoxiously Yea, you like fresh breath and cleaning up your dirty mouth. So chew, baby chew. And let everyone know you have something in your mouth, and you’re not afraid to take it to chomp city. Maybe even shower us with some bonus saliva. Be sure to flick the wrapper at the innocent passerby in the Hello Kitty shirt, and then laugh overtly by yourself because you’re sooo hilarious you can’t even really handle it. Call the police on your neighbors Ugh, parties in the night in a college town – who the ef are these guys? Great call on getting police authority involved because voluntarily putting someone through legal trouble is totally fun for you/gets you hot and bothered. What’s the number for 9-1-1? And why do you have it on speed dial!? Frequently stick your tongue out in pictures/do the rock on sign Is this Rock of Love? Doesn’t matter. You’re such an awesome badass, everyone should know it. You’ve got a few consecutive profile pictures with your tongue sticking out, and maybe even a jackpot pic with a ROCK ON! hand gesture. Graphic tees and scoring hottie v’s, c u @ the club man!!! Tip your bartenders #NOT When you go out, make sure to let us know you’re in the house, Sir Brags-A-Lot, because we all really care. Drink on other peoples tabs and don’t worry about tips, those bitches should be lucky you could grace them with your presence. Once you get blacked out, keep spitting the serious game of one-hit liners, “Here kitty kitty, juicy my package??” Talk down to everyone you meet Your level of intelligence is way above the threshold of average Joe and its best if everyone knows it. Hey man, not your fault you are significantly more worthy than everyone you meet. Even if you’re not well-read, you call people out on grammar and use large words you Googled from To Kill A Mockingbird. Everyone loves commentary from the condescending asshole, so find that niche roll and own it bro. Don’t worry though, I forgive you. Yea I’m down $200 and working 3 jobs because I’m a broke college student, but my bad about that mild inconvenience. Hope you still had enough time to load up on hair gel before riding out into the summer night. And you know what, I’ll pay it forward: Craigslist ad, “Searching for a Soul.” Sincerely, Salty Sally

Dear freshmen trying to use fakes during the first week of school - it's pretty important that you memorize your birthday. Seriously. Sarah - how much weight did you lose over summer? 25 pounds? Did it go straight to the boobs? Danny Mike - I heard you finally got laid this summer. Also heard it was a 17-year-old. I think I'm proud? Jackie To the tall ginger who bit it down the Brother's stairs - sorry we didn't help you up, we thought you had poop on your hands Shout Out to the Clybourne Summer Crew! I'm going to miss you! To the lonely man walking down John last night, I'm sorry I threw firecrackers at you but you were totally being a dick to your girlfriend on the phone. Shoutout to the two freshmen who sat with me during my sexile, when I was pretty sure i was drunkenly talking to myself. Shoutout to pizza for being delicious when drunk. Shoutout to Larry- sorry my friend told you you were her soul-mate, lured you into our cab, and then made you pay our $20 fee...you win some you lose some. At least you're "more mature" than we are. Shoutout to the boys of apt 154we never should've thought it was okay to deprive you of your tasty Subway sandy's...open fridge does not always equal "up-forgrabs." We'll behave next time.... as long as there's a padlock on your fridge. SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

Are You Ready to Party?

Booze News/Black Sheep Back to School Bash Next Thursday (9/1) at Kam's Contests. Prizes. Details Next Week.

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3

SPECIAL NIGHT

Brothers Birthday Bash Friday & Saturday 8/26 & 8/27 $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles It’s Our birthday & YOU get the presents!

Tuesday: THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!

Thursday, Sept 1st WHITE PARTY Wear White! Free White Glowsticks Blacklights - Live DJ $2.50 Anything in the HOUSE!

SUNDAY: Trivia Night! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller HL Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull & Vodkas

SATURDAY: Bears vs Titans 7pm Win a Bears Jersey Specials on: Bud & Bud Light Bottles Vegas Bombs Bacardi (All Flavors) UV Vodka (All Flavors)

WED 8/24

15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles $1.50 Keystone Light Taps $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, WHITE RABBIT and more! North Coast Music Festival ticket giveaways! $5 Mugs available for purchase with $3 refills! $1 Cover

SENIOR NIGHT $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1.50 SHOTS You Keep the New 'Haus Mug! $5 for your first Mug & Draft $2 Refills of Bud Family Drafts $3 of Goose Island 312 Drafts $3 Jack Daniels $2.50 UV Cake Vodka

THURS 8/25

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Miller/Coors Pitchers

Summer Camp Music Festival Presents ZMICK with THE MACPODZ and THE BEESON BROTHERS Free Show! No Cover!

DJ Ollie $2.50 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Over 100 Different Liquors and 40 Different Beers.... EVERYTHING is $2.50!

DJ Mingram!

Ravens vs Redskins 7pm WIN A Ravens Jersey $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots & Drinks $3 Jim Beam Whiskey $3 Svedka Vodka

FRI 8/26

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $2 Wells $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

Pyramid presents THE OFFICIAL U OF I WELCOME BACK PARTY! Biggest Dance Floor on Campus!

Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $3 PIZZAS! Your Choice of Any Pizza! plus specials including... $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Svedka Vodka DJ OLLIE

WPGU Presents Sun Stereo! 10PM DJ Mingram/Legtwo 11PM Andy Lund Band 12AM: Sun Stereo

Colts vs Packers 7pm Win a Colts Jersey $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries All Day plus specials on: Jager Bombs, Jameson Irish Whiskey Absolut Vodka

SAT 8/27

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $3 Bacardi $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

FACE TIME POLICE, REGALIA and THE BREAD MACHINE (Early Show!)

VJ LUNIKS Mixing Music Videos All Night! Specials on: Bud Light Bottles, Bacardi Rum, Absolut Vodka Jager Bombs

DJ DANCE PARTY (Late Show!)

Early: DJ Delayney (on the patio) Late: DJ Bozak & Friends

Bears vs Titans 7pm Win a Bears Jersey Specials on: Bud & Bud Light Bottles Vegas Bombs Bacardi (All Flavors) UV Vodka (All Flavors)

SUN 8/28

Closed

** CLOSED **

$2 U CALL IT Live DJ Spinning All Night!

Trivia Night! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller HL Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull & Vodkas

MON 8/29

$1 Wells $2 Killian’s Pints $4 Killian’s Pitchers $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! featuring Jamie & The Magic Torch, The Anonymous and Sonny Stubble $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Bucket Monday! $8 Buckets of Domestic Bottles $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum Drinks

DJ Belly! $2 Domestic Beers $2 Wells $2 Off All Martinis

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-9pm $1.50 Fatty Natty Bottles $1.50 Sauza Silver Tequila $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Bud Light Drafts $15 Bud Light Hydrants

TUES 8/30

Taco Tuesdays! $3 All You Can Eat Tacos $2 Wells, $2 Killian’s Pints $4 Killian’s Pitchers $3 Tall Boys/ Miller/Coors/ Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites with $3 Real Long Islands! No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips from 4pm-9pm $2.50 Bacardi Oak & Coke $2.50 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2.50 Wells, $6 Sharkbowls $6 Bud Light Pitchers

WED 8/31

15 Cent WINGS 9pm -? $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles $1.50 Keystone Light Taps $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring BAY WEST, DJ TIM WILLIAMS, FACTORY SETTINGS and THWYP! North Coast Music Festival Ticket Giveaways! $5 Mugs available for purchase with $3 refills! $1 Cover

SENIOR NIGHT $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

SHOT & MUG NIGHT! $1.50 SHOTS You Keep the New Firehaus Mug! $5 for your first Mug & Draft $2 Refills of Bud Family Drafts $3 Refills of Goose Island 312 Drafts $3 Jack Daniels, $2.50 UV Cake Vodka

$2 ANYTHING in the HOUSE! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings

A place with some space...and a view?

Spacious apartments with 10-foot ceilings and, oh yeah, the view isn’t too shabby, either.

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning. 217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

WED 8/24

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

THURS 8/25

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

FRI 8/26

$6 Late Night Food Specials

SAT 8/27

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

SUN 8/28

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Wednesday 8/31: Joe's Bikini Battle! Win $500, a Vegas Stay, and Free Tanning for a Month! Check our FB Page to Sign Up!

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

1/2 Price Hot Dogs Try any of 16 specialty hot dogs $3 Jager Bombs

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

$3 Sangria $3 Sweet Tea Vodka

1/2 Price Burgers $4 Cups of Shots $2 Blue Moons

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

The Perfect Place for the CUBS, SOX, and CARDS GAMES!

$2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's Closed After 9 for a Private Party - Sorry!

The Perfect Place to GETAWAY!

Did you miss our burgers? 1/2 Price All Day $2 Jager Barrels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

Come watch all the games! $2.50 Import Bottles

Sunday Funday Free straws...come get your drink on

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikazes Welcome to MNJ

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots 8th Grade Dance Party

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi + Red Bulls

Joe's Bikini Battle! Win $500, a Vegas Stay, and Free Tanning for a Month! Check our FB Page to Sign Up!

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2 Special Night

MONDAY: 1/2 Price Apps After 5PM

Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Free Pool From $2 Miller Lite and Coors Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily Light Drafts 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night Wednesday $2.50 Corona's OPEN MIC Night $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4Jager Oh Yeah's $2.50 Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands $4 ICB’s

MON 8/29

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

TUES 8/30

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

WED 8/31

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

1/2 Price Apps After 5PM $2 Miller Lite and Coors Light Drafts

Free Late-Night Shuttle? We Got That, Too. FREE WEEKEND SHUTTLE FROM 10:30PM-2:30AM TO DOWNTOWN AND CAMPUSTOWN

WE’VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED! • Resort-Style Pool • Free Tanning Beds • Fitness Center • Washer/Dryer

• Individual Bathrooms • Pet Friendly • On-site maintenance

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S Ride the Rail Every Tuesday

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

MONDAY: DJ ROCK CITY from the Underground Chicago Spinning All Night Long! $2 Red Bull UV Vodka's $1 U CALL IT $1 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka Shots $3 Bud Light Pitchers

WEDNESDAY: I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

Happy First Week! $5 Pitchers of Miller and Coors Light & Tons of Giveaways All Week! (through 8/26)

SPECIAL NIGHT

Bud Kickoff Party w/ Bud Girls $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Red Lion HOGWARTS NIGHT $2 BOMB SHOT MENU $2 Butterbeer Pints $6 Butterbeer Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Cauldrons

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum & Coke Pitchers Bacardi Girls 11-1

WED 8/24

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

SPIN CITY $2 U-CALL-IT

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

THURS 8/25

The ABSOLUT Party $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

Party at the Best Looking Bar in Town!

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas

FRI 8/26

DJ EXPLOSION! DJ HAN - DJ AMEDA DJ SWISS LEGACY $2 Jager, $3 Bombs Jagerettes!

$2 Coors Light $4 Double Whiskey $4 Double Bacardi Drinks No cover

$2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $7.00 Killians and Leine Pitchers $4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Jager Bombs $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Bacardi Rum $3 Bacardi Oak Heart $3 Bud Light Bottles

Dance, Baby Dance Chicago-style DJs and More

$2.50 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs

SAT 8/27

Sunday Funday with... QUARTER BEERS!

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 U CALL IT featuring Wells & Domestic Bottle

WANT TO REALLY IMPRESS THEM? BOOK THE BEST PLACE IN TOWN 359-SOMA (7662)

Closed

SUN 8/28

FATTY NATTY PARTY! $1 Bottles, $3 Pitchers GRAB-A-FATTY $1 Wells, $2 Bottles $2 Energy Drinks

Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

DJ ROCK CITY from the Underground Chicago Spinning All Night Long! $2 Red Bull UV Vodka's $1 U CALL IT $1 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka Shots $3 Bud Light Pitchers

BOOKING PRIVATE PARTIES, EXCHANGES, IMPROMPTUS, AND SEMI-FORMALS NOW... 359-SOMA (7662)

Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 8/29

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music Bring your empty Camelback! $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

CALL NOW! DATES ARE FILLING UP FAST!!! 359-SOMA (7662)

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!!

TUES 8/30

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Red Lion HOGWARTS NIGHT $2 BOMB SHOT MENU $2 Butterbeer Pints $6 Butterbeer Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Cauldrons

I Love the 90s with DJ Mingram $2 Import Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 8/31

SATURDAY: DJ EXPLOSION! DJ HAN - DJ AMEDA DJ SWISS LEGACY $2 Jager, $3 Bombs Jagerettes!

OUTBOUND DRIVE LIVE AT 10pm $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts Bud's Wild Wednesday Bud Girls! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH

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Bartenders of the

Week

Matt “The Fats” Minnaert Firehaus

Major: Kinesiology Relationship Status: In an open relationship with anyone interested If you could take any shot with an elephant, what shot would it be? How big is an elephant’s load? Have you named any of your body parts? Just the one that counts How’d you get a job here? A few hand Jobs with Paul Kovacs Secret you don’t want your parents to find out? My anal fetish Best place to hook up? Anywhere Superpower? Snort my weight in coke What do you bench? What do you weigh? If you could go down on anyone, who would it be and why? Emile Reece... only woman manager What’s your favorite swear word/phrase? Grease the wheels What’s the worst night to bartend? Wednesday... come in you’ll see. Porn name? Brandon Lovett

drinking game:

Electricity

Unlike having chemistry, having electricity with someone could be dangerous. But having electricity is pretty much necessary, as is drinking booze. What You Need: Cards and alcohol. Number of Players: Three or more. Intoxication Level: Like 300,000 volts of booze running through your body. How to Play: - Deal out the entire deck to everyone playing, and don’t look at the cards. - All players flip a card at the same time. Since it’s electricity, you are only concerned with your neighbor’s cards (the cards that are touching). For example, with 3 players all cards would be touching and with 4 players only the people to the left and right count. - Everyone flips over a card. If you match suit or card type with your neighbor, drink what the card says (face cards are 10). - If you match one neighbor with suit and the other with type, then double the total of both cards. Do not double if you match only suit or type on both sides; just add up both cards. The Game Ends When: You’ve gone through the whole deck, and you’re going to electrocute yourself any minute now.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Mike Tuttle kam's

Major: Accounting Relationship Status: Single and ready to mingle If you could create a holiday, what would it be? National Freak ‘em Day Shotgun, Kegstand, Bong, or Straight Chug? All of the above Where did you lose your virginity? Within 10 feet of my parents Favorite Beer Olympics event? Slap Cup Nickname? Tut slut Last time you touched yourself? It was rudely interrupted by this survey What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve had happen to you on the job? Dropped my phone in a toilet full of vomit Who is your favorite Disney princess? Jasmine, because I’m down with the brown What’s your middle name? Rude Boy Favorite Theme for a party? T-shirt and no panties on Best song to give/receive a lap dance to? Juvenile- Back That Ass Up

recipe for disaster:

7 -Layer

Sundae

A sundae is delicious and you never want it to end. This one will end eventually, but not before the button on your jeans snaps off. What You’ll Need: Pie crust, pre-made cookie dough, hot fudge, Oreos, ice cream, whip cream, maraschino cherries. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: It starts with a pie crust and ends with colored bits of sugar. You think a fatty wouldn’t eat this?

Let’s Get Baked: - Get the pie crust out of it’s container. Place enough pre-made cookie dough to cover the bottom of the pie crust. Keep in mind that it’ll expand, just like your ass. - Stick that puppy in the microwave for 15-45 seconds, depending on how you like your cookies. If you like the soft, still slightly raw texture, 20 seconds should do. Be sure to not cook it too long or the edges of the cookie will get crunchy and weird. - Warm up the hot fudge and apply a layer onto the cookie. - Place entire Oreos as a layer onto the hot fudge. - Top the Oreos with a few scoops of ice cream. - Finish it off with generous scoops of whip cream and maraschino cherries. Of course, this sundae could easily become a 2-layer sundae (simply pie crust and Oreos!) or a 10-layer sundae, adding on top sprinkles, chopped chocolate covered peanuts, various candy pieces, and your clogged arteries. Stick this treat in the freezer for some extra deliciousness.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Review

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

mixer center

Overview: If you haven’t heard by now, Walgreens recently (if you consider December “recent”) came out with its very own brand of beer, and it goes by the name of Big Flats 1901. Big Flats is one of those things that’s nice because it’s so cheap, but doesn’t bring much else to the table, like a blank greeting card or a free bucket of urine. If Keystone Light is the beer for a baller on a budget, then Big Flats is the beer for a drinker with a debt. It doesn’t taste great but at $2.99 for a six-pack it doesn’t have to, so as long as you’re okay with admitting to yourself that Natty Light is out of your price range, then Big Flats is right up your alley. Oddly, Big Flats is only sold in six packs, and they aren’t refrigerated or even kept in the same aisle as the other beers, as if Walgreens is admitting their decision to get into the brewing business maybe wasn’t the best one they’ve ever made. But it’s beer, so if you give a Big Flats to a girl she’ll still find you just as attractive as if you had given her a can of Beer 30, and that’s all you can ask for, right? History: Having “1901” in it’s name would make most people assume that Big Flats was first brewed in 1901. I have no idea if that’s the case because their website is about as informative as broken radios are for deaf people, but if it’s good enough for you, then it’s good enough for me. The website is actually worth checking out, it looks like it was designed in 1998 by a nine year old. I’ve seen old Tripod websites that look more professional than BigFlats1901. com (for example, look up Pigs15.tripod.com – you’re welcome for that). But that’s fine because Big Flats isn’t the

lemonade: C salt: C pure gasoline: Why? With friends: C Without friends: CWith breakfast: C for ‘Champ

ˇ ˇˇ ˇˇˇ

Big Flats 1901 GRADE: C+ type of beer you tell stories about, it’s the type of beer you drink as fast as you can in order to forget ever drinking it in the first place.

Typical Drinkers: Thieves, crooks, burglars, snatchers, bandits, scavengers, larcenists, kleptomaniacs, scroungers, and swindlers. Because Big Flats is a STEAL! Ha ha! User Comments: “Really?” “This isn’t what I asked for.” “Whatever, let’s just drink it, and we’ll stop being friends with him tomorrow.”

Conclusion: If you show up to a party with Big Flats in tow, you’re telling everyone three things. You’re cheap, very likely an alcoholic, and you have trouble navigating the aisles of Walgreens. But there are worse assumptions people could make about you. They could think you poop your pants recreationally, or that you think dead babies are the best kind of babies. I guess the lesson here is that if you want to drink Big Flats, make sure you show up to places with a friend who’s either more cheap, or mentally diseased, or sexually depraved than you are. Or you could just call [insert Black Sheep writer here] because he/she/I will drink anything that is put in front of him/her/me, including whatever you thought of first when you just read that. That’s right, even that.

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TOP TEN

Ways To Get Over Your Ex

So you got dumped. Maybe you were too clingy. Maybe you were getting boring and repetitive. Maybe it was the whole, “calling out someone else’s name while having sex,” thing. The point is, your significant other has decided that they don’t want to be all that significant anymore and you’re now stuck deciding how to proceed. There are numerous options, ranging from being a punk-ass bitch to being a complete boss that you may choose from. Here’s the top ten.

Cowboys and Aliens: Woody and E.T. go to the Mall Corey Guastini wrote this Woody, atop his trusty steed Bullseye, arrives at the mall and waits patiently for his friend E.T. to arrive. Shortly after, a man riding a bicycle lifts a bundle of blankets from the bike basket and tosses it toward Woody. The bundle awkwardly rolls to a stop at Woody’s feet. E.T.’s misshapen head pops out of the bundle. His unnaturally large, freakish eyes fixate on Woody. Woody: There’s my favorite deputy. E.T.: Ellllliiioooooottt. Woody: No it’s Woody. E.T.: Ellllliiioooooottt. Woody: E.T., it’s me. Woody. We go to Mass together every Sunday. E.T.: Ellllliiioooooottt. Woody: Let’s just go inside. E.T. and Woody enter the mall and head to the nearest shoe store. Shoe Salesman: Hello, sir, do you need any help today? Woody: Why yes, I’m looking for a new pair of boots. Shoe Salesman: We just got a new style in that I think you’re going to love. Why don’t you try on a pair? What size do you wear? Woody: Umm…small. Shoe Salesman: I’m gonna get you a seven. The shoe salesman leaves and comes back with the boots. He puts them on Woody’s feet. How do those feel? Woody: There’s a snake in my boot! Shoe Salesman: No that’s faux snakeskin. Do you mean figuratively? If they feel weird, it’s probably because they need to be broken in a little. Just give them some time, I promise they’re comfortable. Woody: There’s a snake in my boot! Shoe Salesman: There shouldn’t be a snake in there. Here, I’ll get you another pair. The shoe salesman leaves and returns with a new pair of boots. Are these any better? Woody: There’s a snake in my boot! Shoe Salesman: Sir, I assure you, I have checked and there are no snakes in this shoe. Woody: There’s a snake in my boot! Shoe Salesman: Sir, please exit the store. Woody and E.T. promptly exit and head toward the candy store. E.T. clumsily sprints to the Reese’s Pieces bin. In a frenzy, he alternates shoveling one overflowing scoop into the bag and one into his mouth. E.T. collapses onto the floor in a fit of ecstasy. He begins seizing and making unintelligible gurgling sounds. Random Customer: I’ll have what he’s having! Abruptly, the look of unbridled joy disappears from E.T.’s

disproportionally larger face. It is quickly replaced with one of pure disgust. He violently spits a single peanut butter M&M into his hand. He throws it aside and unleashes a piercing, guttural scream. E.T.: Blllarrrrrrrrrrrhghghghghg. For the next 15 minutes, E.T. tears the entire candy store apart, taking brief breaks to eat more Reese’s Pieces. The store workers finally contain E.T. Workers: Sir, please exit the store. E.T. and Woody promptly exit and head to Furry Babies. E.T. lifts Woody into the Sheep Dog cage. Woody removes rope from his belt and fashions it into a lasso. Woody: God, if this doesn’t get me into Bo Peeps pantaloons, I don’t know what will. In one swift move, Woody tosses the lasso around the puppy’s neck then hog ties it. E.T. helps lift Woody and the puppy out of the cage. They head toward the egress while Woody conspicuously drags the dog along the floor behind him. Before they safely exit, an angry and confused worker approaches them. Worker: Hey! You can’t just take that dog; you have to pay for it. Woody: Uhh…do you accept land deeds? Worker: What? No. Woody: How about gold nuggets? Worker: No! Hand over the dog and please exit the store. Woody and E.T. hand over the dog and promptly exit the store. At a loss for things to do, they begin wandering aimlessly around the mall. When they pass too close to the Verizon cell phone booth, the worker accosts them. Worker: Hey! Do you two have cell phones? Woody and E.T.: No. Intrigued, they walk up to the counter. Worker: Here, let me show you the new Droid Incredible 2. He hands the phone to E.T. E.T.: Phone home? Worker: Yeah, sure, you can phone home with that. E.T. Becomes immediately aroused at the thought of phoning home with such an advanced piece of technology. As the worker begins to list the sleek features of the phone, E.T. begins to touch himself. E.T.: Phone home…phone home…phone home…phone home… PHONE HOME…PHONE HOME…PHONE HOME!...PHONE HOME!...PHONE HOME!!!...PHONE HOME!!!!!!!! Worker: What the fuck are you doing?! Go away. GO AWAY! Mall security grabs E.T. and Woody. They forcibly remove them from the mall premises. As they are shoved out the door, Woody notices a Dick’s Sporting Goods across the street. Woody: Hmmm, Dick’s Sporting Goods? I’d like to sport a good dick. Let’s go E.T.

10. De-friend your Ex on Facebook: Sure, it’s a bit childish, but the last thing you want is to be creepily stalking their pictures and freaking out every time you see them with a member of the opposite sex. Of course you could try and invoke some jealousy and keep your ex as a friend. You could then start taking the most amazingly slutty pictures with their friends. Remember to set the proper privacy settings, though, you don’t want mommy and daddy seeing what a freak you are. 9. Become a Fat Kid: What better way to get over your ex then gulping down gallon after gallon of rocky road ice cream and overindulging on Geo’s chicken strips? Sure, buying a whole new wardrobe that’s three sizes larger is both expensive and demoralizing, but maybe being a fat kid will give you a newfound self-respect. There’s a possibility of this sending you into a state of depression as nobody wants to have sex with you. However, be honest, that wasn’t happening too much anyways. 8. Weekend of Drunken Debauchery with Your Friends: A classic. Nothing says “therapy” like having your buddies spend dollar after dollar on strippers and booze and then throwing you at the first person that walks into the bar. Avoid the clap. 7. Develop a Porn Addiction: Why move on and start dating when someone has already lived out your sexual fantasies and filmed them? Warning: may result in a massive number of computer viruses and a nasty strain of carpal tunnel. 6. Become a Burnout: It’s hard to feel upset about a breakup when you are on a seven-day bender and are discussing the meaning of life with the purple penguin that’s taken refuge on your futon. 5. Send them a Thousand Drunk Texts: This will be totally fine, right? Maybe the two hundredth, “Baby I love you, I’ll be better…” text will lead to a change of heart. Although the eight hundred texts where you called them a lying whore that you hope has a run-in with a freight train might dissuade them from jumping back into your arms. 4. Break-Up Sex: Let’s face it, it isn’t over until you’ve had passionate, angry break-up sex and then awkwardly left their apartment without a word. The great thing about break-up sex is it never brings back any residual feelings or leads to letdown conversations where you’re told how things are still over. Right. 3. Send their New Boyfriend/Girlfriend a Thousand Drunk Texts: “If I ever see you with her I’m going to take a knife and remove your eyelids. Then I’m going to make you watch Jersey Shore marathons for three straight weeks.” I’m not going to confirm whether or not that text is in my outbox right now. 2. Vandalize their Car (with Fire): Once upon a time, Carrie Underwood had a career. During those brief twelve days she produced three country songs, one of them was about beating the hell out of her lying, cheating ex-boyfriend’s car with a baseball bat. Ladies, let’s not go halfway. This guy told you he cared about you, and then showed exactly how much he cared by banging your sister. Two words: gasoline, matches. Enough said. 1. Break-Up Sex (with the most attractive close friend or relative to your ex you can find): You don’t want to be friends or have closure; you want revenge. You know how you get revenge? By Skype-ing your ex while you ruthlessly banging someone they hold near and dear. Moms are not only an acceptable slam piece; they are encouraged.

Ken-Doll Halvachs wrote this

continued from cover story... Con: Easy to get pregnant or an STD or both While in a drunken stupor using a condom is always out of the question. Hell, using a condom while sober is out of the question. My point is, with all the sex you’ll be having, you’re bound to either get pregnant or get someone pregnant. And if you’re not conceiving a child, then you’ll probably end up with Chlamydia. And if you really suck at life, both unfortunate consequences will happen to you. I’m not even trying to sound like your sex ed teacher; this is real life, everyone! McKinley’s busiest time of year isn’t flu season; it’s the week after syllabus week. The people who invented antibiotics and the morning-after pill are probably sitting somewhere in paradise high-fiving each other in their money chairs. Pro: You have money to spend Remember that awesome summer job you had as a lifeguard? Remember all those times you stole money out of your parents’ wallets to pay for food/alcohol/strippers? Yeah, it was really nice living at home for the summer and not having to pay for anything. So now, you have tons of money! And having tons of money makes it easy to go out, let your hair hang down, roll around naked... I don’t know, whatever it is that you do to have a good time. Can we all just be completely honest right now and admit that money does buy happiness? And since it does, you’ll be really happy this week! Con: You’ll definitely be broke by the end of the week Turns out, buying round after round of vodka Red Bulls for all of those good looking girls who promised you “endless blow jobs” was a bad idea. Now you’re piss broke, and it’s only the second week of school. Syllabus week will make

your bank account shrink faster than a penis in a cold lake. Drinking every night, plus the inevitable drunken trips to some sort of food establishment, in addition to the mysterious $200 you took out of the Silver Bullet ATM that you don’t remember, all add up to you having zero dollars by Sunday. Well, looks like you’re going to be the one working at Silver Bullet for the rest of the semester. Pro: Crowded bars filled with blacked out people It’s the beginning of the school year, so you actually enjoy all the crowded bars surrounded by a bunch of young drunks. I mean, hanging out with your elementary school teachers and your friend’s creepy dad at the bars in your hometown got old pretty fast. There are only so many upper-thigh grazes from middle-aged married men you can handle. It will be nice and refreshing to hang out with people who order “cups of shots” and then puke on your feet moments later. There’s nothing quite like the smell and taste of someone’s sweaty, hairy armpit in your mouth as you try to pass drinks over the crowd. Mmm. Con: It all must come to an end I hate to break it to you, but yes, syllabus week is only a week long, and it’s all down hill from there. You’re going to have to start doing homework, studying for tests, paying bills, having sex with your professors for good grades... oh, the horror. Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to pay for your tuition if you keep up with your drunken antics. Now you must clean up your act. There you have it. It’s quite the long and crazy week, I tell ya. There are definitely good and bad things about Syllabus Week. However, enjoy it while you can, because there’s no such thing as Syllabus Week in “the real world.” Unless you work at Kam’s your whole life. Which isn’t a bad idea...

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the movie page Fall 2011 Crappy Movie Guide

We were going to do an actual fall movie guide, but when we looked at the release schedule we couldn’t help but think, “Holy shit, all of these movies look terrible.” Hey, gotta do what the market dictates, right? By: Brendan

Title: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Release Date: September 9th Starring: Nick Swardson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson Why It’s Gonna Suck: Look, Nick Swardson seems like a nice enough guy. His stand-up is pretty funny, and he was genuinely hilarious in Grandma’s Boy, but the rest of his filmography includes such classics as 30 Minutes or Less, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and his (7 episode long) TV series Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time. What is this dude doing starring in a movie, again? Scene Guaranteed to Happen: The camera cuts quickly to everyone in the room just after Swardson makes some sort of thinly-veiled allusion to Bucky’s homosexuality. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Lick pus from an oozing foot blister. Title: Abduction Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins (daughter of Phil Collins!) Why It’s Gonna Suck: The tagline for the movie is “The fight for the truth will be the fight of his life.” He’s not Martin Luther King Jr. people, he’s a shitty, emotionally void actor who finally gets to fire a gun instead of shape shifting into a werewolf. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: A low-angle camera circles a shirtless Taylor Lautner as he stares menacingly into the distance, gun in hand. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Inject baby shit into my own ass with a turkey baster.

Title: Dolphin Tale Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr., a dolphin Why It’s Gonna Suck: A heartwarming tale about a dolphin losing its tail? Puns in the title? Harry Connick Jr.? Dolphin Tale has “schlockfest” written all over it. Expect life lessons about friendship, social responsibility and questionable movie roles (why, Morgan Freeman?) all up in your grill, because every time a dolphin gets caught in a tuna net, it’s your fault, you filthy consumer piece of shit. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An emotional moment is had by all when the dolphin, new tail in hand, breaches the water in a display of friendship with the young protagonist. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Your mom. Boosh. Title: Real Steel Release Date: October 7th Starring: Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, robot boxers Why It’s Gonna Suck: Because for some reason this movie will have a plot. A stupid, contrived plot. Down-on-his-luck Jackman meets a kid that inspires him to get back into the ole’ robot fightin’ game? No. Robots punching each other? Yes. It doesn’t matter how much robot fighting is in this movie, unless there’s 8 hours of clobberin’, there needs to be more metal-on-metal action. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An absolutely ridiculous montage featuring Hugh Jackman teaching a robot how to box. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Eat a random item out of a Planned Parenthood dumpster. Title: The Three Musketeers Release Date: October 21st Starring: Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich Why It’s Gonna Suck: The first two sentences of the film’s Wikipedia entry note The Three Musketeers is a “steampunkinfluenced reinterpretation…shot in 3D.” My god, you can practically see the studio execs massaging their boners as they think about the buzzwords attached to the flick. “Hey, Harvey, do you think the synergy between a steampunk movie shot in 3D and the vertical collaterals of a burgeoning franchise will get us each another bathtub full of money?” “I dunno, Lewis, would you like to suck my dick while I think about it?” Scene Guaranteed to Happen: Some weird steam-powered flying contraption zips out into the audience. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Go down a Slip N’ Slide full of an obese family’s taint sweat.

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the interview

The Greatest Fucking Book Ever, AKA: The Alliance of Sarfank, By: John McCombs

Once in a generation a story is written that changes peoples' lives, inspires hope, and makes us question our very existence. This book takes a dump on that story. The Alliance of Sarfank makes Dave Eggers’ A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius look like hobo porn. The author, John McCombs, has been described as: “this generation’s Ernest Hemingway without the whiney-ass depression.” When questioned about his story other reviewers have commented: “What the hell is that?” Sara James, The New Yorker. “Does this even count as literature?” Todd Laughlin, Rolling Stone. “I’m gonna be honest, I read the first paragraph, saw an ant on the table and used the book to kill it. Which gave me an idea because I had lost my fly swatter just last week, so I’ve pretty much been using this. It works pretty well I guess.” Rachel Lowes, Chicago Tribune. John McCombs was gracious enough to climb down from his pile of naked, willing women that he sleeps on and grant me an interview.

CD REVIEW

CSS

La Liberacion

McHoneyCombs: Wow, it truly is a pleasure to meet you sir, and might I say you look rather dashing today. You make Brad Pitt look like a garbage-eating muppet. McCombs: Indeed and you yourself appear to be quite the charmer as well and do I smell a hint of freshly baked pretzels? McHoneyCombs: Sadly, it’s the only odor my sweat glands can produce. In any case, might I start by saying that your novel made me believe there was a God, build a temple in his honor, and fill it with the blood of virgins to satiate his thirst. If Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and the Pope were in a burning house with your book and I could only save one, I would rush in for your book and barricade the way out so those vultures couldn’t get their hands on it. McCombs: Oh Sir, you compliment me far too little; however this is an interview, so you are actually going to have to ask some questions instead of just basking in my glory. McHoneyCombs: Very well, what exactly inspired you to write this story? McCombs: A series of amazing events, really. When I was twelve I lost my virmaking a woman out of Ms. Mckinsey, my 7th grade teacher. Later that Out Now ginity week I met George Bush and he was so impressed with my cool demeanor that he let me run the country for four hours while he took a nap. McHoneyCombs: Oh yes, I remember that. The “Free Handjob Day” bill you passed was a really big hit across the country. McCombs: Indeed, it was. So you see, I wanted a way to encapsulate those experiences into one 240-page novel and this was the end product. McHoneyCombs: Except it was more like all of those things while getting dome from Anne Hathaway and snorting coke off Jessica Biel’s tits. Now, there is one part of your story, towards the end, where I understand you actually included a secret message? lyrics sound like nothing more than a 12-year-old's McCombs: That’s true, I finished my book back in 2007 and if you read every glittery dreams; “short shorts, short skirts, flower tops.” But do we listen to electronic, rave music for fifth word in a mirror on page 226 it actually tells you the location of Osama lyrics? No way! Just take a listen to ““La Liberacion,” Bin Laden in Swahili. a song entirely in some other language, but has enough McHoneyCombs: Yes, I understand that’s actually how Seal Team 6 caught passion in the singing and intensity in the beats that him. all you need to do is dance to it, nothing more. While McCombs: It took them four years, but I knew they’d eventually get it. there are tunes with some kitschy sounds (“Echo of McHoneyCombs: Now, I know many people have asked you this, but how Love”), there are some slower-tempo songs (“Partners did you get the title for The Alliance of Sarfank? in Crime”) that fit in without sounding out of place or cheesy. McCombs: Well, I played around with a few other titles for a while like, “Your So, I bring you back to our own current economic Life is Meaningless Without Me,” “I’m the Only Source of Love in the World,” state; it’s really lookin’ rocky, ya’ll. One day the marand, “The Answer to Every Question in the Universe: And Why You’re an Idiot ket has bombed and we are all starting to can fruit to for Asking Them.” However, at the end of the day I knew there was no way to store up for the apocalypse, and the next the market is capture the magnitude of my work with any existing words, so I made one up. up and though none of us really know what that means,

C+

CSS’s upbeat attitude is barely a hit, nor neither a miss. Guys, we aren’t in 2007 anymore. The mind frame of “Let’s not worry, Obama is going to come in and fix everything, so let’s be optimistic! Dance, dance, dance!” is now more like “Fuck this. Let’s drink a lot of something cheap and fuckin’ dance.” We weren’t all the way torn down by the recession, so the upbeat, poppy dance music that came out then (Justice, LCD Soundsystem, M.I.A.) was unabashedly fresh, upbeat, and just what the doctor ordered to help ease our wounds. Today, well, we’re a little tired of working 10-hour days and getting laid off. Is CSS’s La Liberacion just what we need to stop feeling so sorry for ourselves? Lord knows we all know their tune, “Music is My Hot, Hot Sex” from good ole’ 07 because it was on an Apple commercial (as the hipster’s roll over in their graves at how they listened to it a whole year before.) But most of CSS’s music doesn’t stray too far from the catchy, up-tempo beats of their hit song. Their latest album has their signature unique sound, but with a 2011 spin on it; think more Robyn, Lady GaGa, Ke$ha. The first single, “Hits Me Like a Rock,” has that chanting, anthem-like beat that is super catchy, but perhaps a bit too slow and a bit too tame for a club song. “City Grrl” is a sad, sad song to the tune of Ke$ha, better known as “crappy and unoriginal.” The

we rest assure that we can go to work and buy more booze one more day. So while Obama can’t fix anything, neither can CSS. But at least we can dance until we forget about it all. Sounds Like: Robyn’s wannabe little sister. Download: Hits Me Like a Rock, La Liberacion Listen to it When: Pre-gamin’ with your grrls and your gays.

>>> UPCOMING RELEASES David Guetta - Where Them Girls At Lil Wayne - Tha Carter IV Ry Cooder - Pull Up Some Dust & Sit Down Cobra Starship - Night Shades

Lenny Kravitz - Black And White America Mike Doughty - Yes And Also Yes Red Hot Chili Peppers - I'm With You The Red Suit Apparatus - AM I The Enemy

The rest of the interview continued on as well as any literary masturbation can. All in all I give this book 9 to the tenth power stars. Seriously, go out and buy this now!

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He wears Prada. Lives in the garden. Slips his fat ass down the chimney. Big socks imply a _____ _____. Hides eggs. Naked baby hunter. "Dawn of the Dead." Voldemort's an evil one. Male equivalent of witch. Cries for the Irish. This monster lives in Scotland and probably isn't real. People fish. Sneaky little guys responsible for sabotaging aircraft in one of the movies. Bird that ignites at the end of life. A unibrow would be most appropriate for this guy. Halo heads.

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Three wishes. Breathes fire. Human head, horse body. Three-headed dog. Jolly green guy.

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favorite color? Adorable people in "Lord of the Rings." Big furfest; in many Japanese films. Sprinkles magic dust. He was assembled by lots of different parts. Blue midget. Head of the Greek Gods. Scary character with lots of snot. Beautiful sparkling pony with head decor. Cutest Pokemon. Napoleon Dynamite's favorite animal. Under 4'10" and older than 18. Shrek.

The More You Buy,

The More You Win!

I want me lucky charms. Salem _____ trials. Beware of full moon. Live in a rainbow-trimmed, cotton candy cloud. Half man, half bull. "Family Guy" family. Little dolls with jewels in their bellies. Small, mischievous green monster of sorts. Borat wants their tears. They steer clear of garlic and crosses. I'm Buddy the _____. What's your

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Cheater!

Fictional Creatures

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1 I want me lucky charms. 2 Salem _____ trials. 3 Beware of full moon. 4 Live in a rainbow-trimmed, cotton candy cloud. 8 Half man, half bull. 10 “Family Guy” family. 11 Little dolls with jewels in their bellies. 15 Small, mischievous green monster of sorts. 16 Borat wants their tears. 19 They steer clear of garlic and crosses. 21 I’m Buddy the _____. What’s your favorite color? 23 Adorable people in “Lord of the Rings.” 24 Big furfest; in many Japanese films. 25 Sprinkles magic dust. 26 He was assembled by lots of different parts. 28 Blue midget. 29 Head of the Greek Gods. 31 Scary character with lots of snot. 33 Beautiful sparkling pony with head decor. 35 Cutest Pokemon. 36 Napoleon Dynamite’s favorite animal. 38 Under 4’10” and older than 18. 41 Shrek. C A N T A R E R B U N B E A W I Z R S H E E L F S M L I N U R L F I D G E W E T A U R R F G

5 He wears Prada. 6 Lives in the garden. 7 Slips his fat ass down the chimney. 9 Big socks imply a _____ _____. 12 Hides eggs. 13 Naked baby hunter. 14 “Dawn of the Dead.” 17 Voldemort’s an evil one. 18 Male equivalent of witch. 20 Cries for the Irish. 22 This monster lives in Scotland and probably isn’t real. 27 People fish. 30 Sneaky little guys responsible for sabotaging aircraft in one of the movies. 32 Bird that ignites at the end of life. 34 A unibrow would be most appropriate for this guy. 37 Halo heads. 39 Three wishes. 40 Breathes fire. 42 Human head, horse body. 43 Three-headed dog. 44 Jolly green guy.

W G N O M E R F O O T E A S R W D O Z O M B G L L Y L F V P S B A E S S G M I F O P M E R M A I D I S I Z G R R I E C Y C L O P S L I A K A D R A G O N C E G H C E R B E R U S E

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