WMU Issue 2.08, 4/20/11 by The Black Sheep

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Inside 04 Party Down:

The semester may be at an end, but the warm-weather parties have just begun.

I’ll Study…Tomorrow... 05 Here’s Your English

Degree

Great, now I’m gonna go be a…whatever you be with an English degree.

our Guide to Summer Superhero Movies: CONTINUED ON PAGE 11...

There’s a lot of them this summer!

With finals week right around the corner I know that all of us have been paying attention all semester long, been keeping up with all of our assignments, and are well prepared for exams. HA! That’s almost as big of a lie as me saying I’ve been sober all weekend long. Procrastination is a bitch; a highly avoidable, but we do it anyway, bitch.

We’re all guilty of putting things to last minute. Spending free time on a paper or project that’s due in a week? Nahhh. Spending free time playing Dance Central on Kinect and wasting time on Facebook? Yuppp. A friend of mine has a huge presentation before he graduates that him and his partner have been working on for over a year that includes the presentation, poster board, 15 page paper, and much more. Yeah you guessed right, they put off the entire paper and half the project ‘til the week before. Sadly, that’s not that surprising for anyone in college. So, why the hell do we do this? Why do we waist valuable time watching funny YouTube videos or hanging out with our friends doing absolutely nothing when we could be excelling like the true academic students we are?! Because in reality we don’t give one flying fuck. Once it’s the end of the year NO ONE cares about school. Our brains shut down and become the laziest pieces of crap ever. Again, I’m not making fun of anyone because I know all of this from experience. I’m not putting anyone down because I’m guilty of doing it all the time. There is only ONE thing that actually helps: our little friend Mr. Adderall. This is God’s gift to all of us, like he’s saying, “I know you’ve been slacking, but I will make you sit in the library and not leave for

Dana Borzea wrote this

hours and make you WANT to get your shit done. You’re welcome.” Oh we are VERY welcome for this heaven-sent assistance. It even makes you want to clean! Get studying done while you’re in your clean apartment, it doesn’t get much better. It’s like Christmas time for every person with an Adderall prescription around finals week. They thank you too big man.

If you want to go a more holistic route, or your friend with the Adderall prescription is out of stock, then I suppose there are a few other ways you can beat off procrastination. (No, beating off is not one, but you can enjoy that pun) Time management is a big one. If we just used our time that we’re not at work or class wisely then we possibly could get shit done. Also, studying throughout the semester instead of waiting until the week before finals might help. For example, if you’ve had all online tests and “worked with” your fellow students, but then the teacher pulls a 360 on you and makes the final in class…you’re shit out of luck. But, if you studied all semester you’d be fine, kimosabe. Then there are the people who don’t really want help. The people who look at their books and just say, “fuck it.” Usually those are the stoners, but again there’s no judgment here!

We will all procrastinate until the day we walk across the stage for graduation, by the way congrats to the class of 2011! I wish the rest of you luck that we can push through the difficulty of signing off Facebook and putting down that brew and pass this semester, and the rest to come.

Thanks for an Amazing First Year! Dear Readers, You guys are seriously awesome. The Black Sheep launched here at the beginning of the fall semester, and it’s been a great year. Though our actual on-campus distribution is limited, you guys went to the multiple bars, restaurants, stores and apartment complexes where we can be found just to pick us up. Take that professors, we’re something your students actually WANT to read. We’re not a trashy paper, we’re a paper that’s realistic. We set out to follow our motto: “A college newspaper that is actually about college.” That’s what makes us who we are, haters be damned. Ah well, enough about those who don’t read us and back to those who do, you lovely, attractive people. We’re not only here to give you shit to read when you’re procrastinating your homework or don’t want to pay attention in class, but we’re here to interact with you as well. Tons of readers have sent in pictures for Party Pics for every issue, and we love it! We’re glad that our bar grid could help bring you the daily drink specials for your favorite local bars. College students and bars go together like peanut butter and jelly, and we want to keep that bond tight. The Black Sheep is all about the interest of the readers, college students. If we wanted to be an unrealistic newspaper we’d write about things that no college student gives a fuck about, like how WMU’s Medieval Institute to host 46th

annual Medieval Congress in May or on the new bus routes. Yawn! So, let’s keep this going for next year and many more years to come. We weren’t sure how the first year would go, but you guys proved we’re doing a good job at entertaining you, and making freshman feel even more pathetic than they already do. When I first read The Black Sheep I fell in love. Scratch that, my first reaction was “What the hell? How are they allowed to write this stuff and not get in trouble?” Then once I read my first article, “Western’s Attendance Policy: Just Like Getting Screwed by Roseanne Barr,” and it hit me: The Black Sheep is a newspaper written by WMU students, for WMU students. I’m so proud to say that I write for them and I’m thrilled to be the Managing Editor for next year. I want to keep this newspaper focused on TRUE college life. Everyone is thinking the same thing, might as well be the ones who write about it. So the next time you’re raging, take a shot in honor of yourself from all of us here at The Black Sheep, because without you the readers we would be like a CMU degree, worthless. Sincerely, Dana Borzea

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Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens! Bullogna : Definition: Any sudden Chicago Bulls fair weather fansmenship. Sentence: “Kyle was just talking about how much he loves Keith Bogans, but he’s totally full of Bullonga.” Borneography: Definition: A show on TLC or NatGeo that involves crazy, wild plants and animals in high definition. Sentence: “Did you see that episode where the Thai Waterbird killed that Asian Latter Snake? That was some serious Borneography!”

Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com

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End The Year With A Bang Alyssa Mae wrote this So, it’s the end of spring semester and you want to have one last blowout bash before half of your friends go home, summer classes start, and shit gets boring; so here is how to do it correctly. The first thing to consider is location, location, location. You have several options. Since it’s getting nicer out (in theory, thank you much, late April snow), a South Haven beach kegger would be an awesome idea. Getting drunk on a beach is always a good time, it makes you feel like you’re on The O.C., minus the mansions and Adam Brody. If the weather is shitty, which isn’t rare in Michigan, than a good place to have it would be a house. I would suggest either somewhere in the student ghetto or over in the Lafayette/Greenwood area. If you live in an apartment that is big enough for large amounts of people than go right ahead… just make sure to invite all your neighbors so you can steer clear of any complaints. The second thing you and your friends need to consider is a theme. This is optional, but themed parties are always the shit. Some theme ideas are: pool party (if your place has one, obviously), army hoes and G.I. Joes, black light, and ABC (anything but clothes). We already talked about going to the beach for a “beach party,” but this can be done in a house too if you have people wear beachy clothes and flip flops, have some kiddy pools with ice and beer and of course be sure to have the blender ready for daiquiris and piña coladas. Another great way to expand on the “beach party” theme is to have a Hawaiian theme. With this you can have drinks with little umbrellas or coconut cups (which can be bought really cheap in bulk) and of course be sure to “lei” your guests when

they come to your party. If you’re not going to have a theme that’s fine just be sure to make your place looks decked out somehow before you have people over. DON’T FORGET DECORATIONS! Then there is the guest list… UNLIMITED! If you want to have a blowout for the end of the semester then you’re going to have to reach out to everyone. Obviously we all know the best way to do that is on Facebook, but be careful, for every dude or dudette you want rolling up, there’s a loser creeper waiting to crash, or some narc just itching to bust just one more spring party before they head home for the summer. Keep that shit on the sorta-downlow and make sure that your even is private. Finally there is the most important part… DRINKS! If you are going to have a real blowout you’re going to have to have a variety of drinks… it can’t just be like every other kegger, this should be memorable! Before I start giving suggestions on stuff to have here are some ways to cut down costs: collect all your returnables, charge people $5-$8 for unlimited drinks (if you start charging much more you’re just going to look like a dick, lets be a little generous, after all it’s the end of the semester). As for drink ideas: Get at LEAST one keg, Jell-o shots, jungle juice (make it good, don’t make it taste like crap… Google can give you some good recipes), daiquiris, piña coladas, sex on the beach, and any other fun drink or shot recipes you can come up with. If you follow these guidelines you should be able to have an AWESOME end of semester blow out! HAVE A GREAT SUMMER!

TOP 10

Practical Things to Put in Easter Baskets During a Recession As most of us know, times are tough. Unemployment rates are high and the number of tweets posted daily by the cast of Jersey Shore is equivalent to how many houses were foreclosed on this month in Ingham County alone. So, this Easter, it’s time to cut the crap. Parents should not waste their money on colorful plastic grass, tiny eggs to hide treasures in, or chocolate bunnies. Parents should be preparing their children for the harsh realities of a failing economy. So, this year, consider celebrating the resurrection of Jesus a little differently by filling the Easter baskets with practical things. 10). Netflix movie: Go to Google images and print off a movie poster. Tape it to the DVD cover and it’s as good as new. I guarantee little Jimmy won’t notice a thing when you have to mail it back the next day.

9). Clearance Tae Bo DVD: For those parents who can no longer afford to enroll their kids in karate classes, this is a cheap way to make your kid feel like they’re still a part of an extracurricular activity. Billy Blanks is a great role model for the kids!

The Worst Sex Advice Ever (Is In Sex Magazines) Alex wrote this Hello ladies! I bet you’re thinking to yourself, “Golly that’s a good looking hunk of man, I really wish I knew what was goin’ on up in his ole medulla oblongata! But gee, I’m just too frazzled to walk on up and talk to him … what should I do?” Hint: Do not read Cosmo. And guys, as if you actually cared what was going on in the minds of women, don’t look to the meathead editors of GQ for advice. Men and womens’ magazines do nothing but aide gender stereotypes and suggest really awkward sexual techniques based on speculation about what it’s like to have a penis/vagina. But don’t take MY word for it, read anyone of the following excerpts. Cosmopolitan Magazine: 31 Sex Challenges; Challenge 5: “Make a pact to tell your partner every single time you feel horny throughout the day.” Okay ladies, you asked for it. You really want to know every time your guy feels horny on any given day. Hmm, let me think, it depends— wait … no, no it doesn’t. Guys are horny literally all of the time. Not kidding. If you want me to shoot you a text every time I think about boobs, you’re probably going to dump me after 30 texts in 25 minutes. It would be easier to tell you times when we’re NOT horny. “Hey, I just caught on to a sex-joke my Grandma made. Totally not horny… wait, Beyonce’s Revlon Commercial just came on. Update: horny.” Men’s Health: Grooming Together: “Some couples use routine grooming as a way to turn each other on. Go slowly. Be careful and with each other! Genital grooming takes a great deal of trust” Hmm… How about “Go… away from my dick with that razor.” This has got to be one of the worst ideas ever. “Hey honey, my bush is getting out of hand, you want to trim it for me?!” “Hey honey, are you fucking kidding me? No.” Genital grooming takes a great deal of trust and also a great deel of creepy perverseness.

Cosmopolitan Magazine: Sex Tips from Guys; Tip #7: “Seeing a woman’s lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me.” – Ty, 21. Okay “Ty” … what the hell is wrong with you? You get off to

girls deep-throating beer bottles? You know what I think when I see a girl’s lips on a beer bottle? “This chick needs another beer.” You know what I think when I see her go down on a bottle of Heineken? “Oh…what the hell? Yo, that’s not how you drink a beer. What is she… my God. Stop that.”

Cosmopolitan Magazine: Fetish Foreplay #6: “My girl pretended to not want to kiss me. I had to passionately pry her mouth open with my tongue.” – Ron, 25. I don’t know what kind of pussy-whip Ron is submitting to on a daily basis, but I’m not doing that. Tongues are not made to be used as simple machines in rape fantasies.

GQ Magazine: Kinky Tips for Spicy Sex; Tip #4: “A portion of men enjoy light anal insertion by their woman right before climax. Start small, try the pinky-finger.” Umm. Yeah, so … about that. Generally speaking, right before climax my thoughts are as follows: “I love sex.” “Wow, vaginas are great.” “The last thing I want right now is something in my ass.” Not sure how large the “portion” of men who enjoy this is, but the consensus among, oh, I don’t know, about every straight male I’ve ever met, would be “please refrain from fingering my butt.” What kind of guy isn’t happy with vaginas right before climax? If finishing after passionate vaginal sex is not enough for you, and you need pinky-penetration, there is a good chance you have some deeper issues that need resolution.

Cosmopolitan Magazine: Fetish Foreplay #10: “Have me lie on my stomach, then wet the skin below my butt. Blow on it.”- Beckett, 23. What?! No. Why? Don’t do that. Instead, try “Have me lie on my back, note my raging boner, then have sex with me.” That would do the trick. If you still think men’s and women’s magazines are a good place to find sex-related tips about the opposite gender, you’re obviously a virgin. Sex should not be a challenge for college students; we’re in our sexual prime. Go out there and get laid, don’t read about weirdoes who obviously suck at it.

8). FASFA application: Though they aren’t in college yet, this is a nice way to ball park how much financial aid the kids will get and plan ahead. If it’s particularly low, youmay have to cancel that trip to Cedar Point and settle for the penny pony at Meijer.

7). Bridge Card application: College students are excluded now, but I never heard anything about toddlers and preteens.

6). Grocery store gift card: Pick a store that exclusively sells food and absolutely nothing that could be considered fun to children. “Sorry Jimmy, they don’t have toys, looks like you are going to have to buy supplies for dinner instead.”

5). Stolen office supplies: Browse around your work place or steal pens from banks and various other businesses. An assortment of blue and red ink pens and post-it notes is comparable to any Crayola crayon set.

4). A season of Weeds: If you are really hurting for cash, and are not scared of federal law, this will teach your kids valuable lessons on how to make money in alternative and creative ways!

3). Bus schedule: Because gas is $4 a gallon, you can’t afford to be driving Jimmy to karate class the Tae Bo video rental store every week. You can also disguise this as an effort to “go green,” so Jimmy doesn’t realize how worthless his parents are. 2). Free Hug Coupons: Become more like the Tanner family from Full House one hug at a time, and for free! We can all learn an important lesson from Bob Saget. All of us.

1). Job application: You can pick these up anywhere for free. Try places with lenient child labor laws, like Wal-mart. It’s never too early to start a good work ethic and that electric bill isn’t going to pay itself. The kids might wonder what Peter Cottontail was smoking this year as he was hopping down the bunny trail when they find their Easter basket, but, if you’re able to print out all the forms in colorful paper, the kids will hardly tell the difference between last year’s basket of fun and this year’s basket of reality.

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Me Get English Degree? That’s Unpossible! Travis Pelto wrote this

My god, four years has gone by at the pace I expected it to. Now that my undergraduate career is coming to an end this month I’m filled with a whole slew of emotions ranging from excitement, an overwhelming fear of responsibility and a little bit of nausea. These mixed together somehow even out to a weird feeling of apathy, which makes my sudden panic attacks about what I’m going to do with my life as abrupt as waking up with a canker sore. I can’t stop tonguing it, so I can’t stop thinking about it. But really, what am I worried about? I have an English degree! Everyone knows an English degree is the most lucrative and money making degree one can have next to social work. My family tree is ripe with the fruits of English majors going centuries back, and all of them have had lavishly successful lives filled with piles of cash,

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the finest liquor and gorgeous women. It’s just about finding my niche within the English world. Centuries ago, my ancestor Promethielto had just graduated from his ancient university and was having trouble finding jobs with his English degree, just like me. Failed interview after failed interview he threw his degree to the ground and, in a fit of anger, tried to destroy it by grinding it with a giant stick. It was only a matter of minutes until his rage produced enough friction and his English degree combusted. Ages later we still use his creation, now named fire, for heat and other practical uses. Some say traces of his English degree live inside the fire we use this very day. He was the first, but certainly not the last Pelto to use his or her English degree to further mankind. In the mid 1400’s Johannes Peltoburg had just graduated from school, but no one believed he was smart enough to complete college. To prove them wrong (and to boost his confidence) he wanted to distribute his degree to everyone in town. He built a machine that could mass produce this and accidently revolutionized communication by developing the world’s first “printing press.” Just a few centuries later, Paul Peltvere accidently saved hun-

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dreds of lives by riding through the American colonies belting “The British are coming! The British are coming!” I say accidently because “The British” he was referring to were his British parents who were coming to his graduation party the next day in celebration of his BA in British literature. They were slaughtered because of this and Paul never really was the same after that according to family legend. Even in recent times, Peltos still learn to adapt with their knowledge in literature. Just over a decade ago my cousin Tom Pelto was chatting with his friend Steven about what he should do as a recent English graduate. Sitting amongst the multi-colored balloons and cheaply decorated tables at Tom’s graduation party, Steven replied to him “You just have to find a creative use for it, that’s all.” Tom then had an ingenious idea: “Bear with me Steven,” he said with unwavering excitement, “but what if an English degree weren’t an English degree at all. What if it was a small device that could store music inside of it; like a CD player, but smaller and it could hold thousands of songs! Like a small pod of music!” Steven quickly shot down the idea, saying it wasn’t possible and that my cousin was thinking “too outside the box.” A few years later Steve Jobs came out with the iPod, and all of us Peltos are still pretty fucking perturbed about it. With this family legacy, I shouldn’t be worried. In fact, it’s only a few more passes of the sun until my bolt of brilliance reaches me and I’m changing the world with my English degree. I think I’ll create a social networking site that you can only be a member of if you have a BA in English. I’ll call it “Facedegree”.

The Bar Grid Book your fraternity, sorority, or college event party now!

Red Wings Playoff Specials: $3 Miller Lite/Labatt Mugs $5 Long Island/Beach

THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50

FRIDAY: Chris Bathgate Album Release w/ Hezekiah Jones and Samantha Crain

Sick of the same bars? Come try something new!

$2.25 Tall Domestics 7-10pm $2.50 Wells $2.25 Miller Pints $3 SoCo Lime Live Band at 10PM

LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS

Minutes Post Punk Knife The Symphony Post Punk PAN Prog Punk

FRI, 4/22

GLOW BOWL NIGHT

$1 Miller Lite Pints $4 Long Island/Beach $3 Washington Apple

9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums

Chris Bathgate Album Release w/ Hezekiah Jones and Samantha Crain

SAT, 4/23

GLOW BOWL NIGHT

$3 U-CALL IT $3 We Pick Shots

After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS

Kansas Bible Company Big Band Pop From Goshen, IN

SUN, 4/24

Service Industry Night 1/2 Off Drinks and Apps with service industry card

$3 Tall Domestics $2 Bells Pints

Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells

The Curious Mystery (K Records) Garage Blues No Bails Garage Rock

MON, 4/25

Miller Lite Mondays (8-Close) $3 16oz. Miller lite $4 24oz Miller Lt. Cans $0.50 Wings $5 for 2 Hours of Bowling!

$1 PBR Pints All Day $4 DELUXE BURGER BASKET

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)? Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub

Cassandra & Friends From Kalamazoo, MI Duke & The Loose Cannons From Kalamazoo, MI

TUES, 4/26

College Night (9-Close) $2 Wells, $2 Domestic Pints $2 Games, $1 Shoes $4.99 1-Topping Pizza

$3 ANYTHING! 9pm-1am

$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

The Strutt Open Mic No Cover! 15 minute Slots Sign up at 6:50pm Great Drink Specials Drums, PA, Amps provided

WED, 4/27

Ladies Night (8-Close) 1/2 Off Martinis 1/2 Off Wine $0.50 Games, $2 Shoes $4.99 1-Topping Pizza

Micro Brew Wednesdays $4 Talls $3 Pints $5 Flavored Vodka Red Bulls

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pts, $3.25 Super Prem Pts. $2.00 well drinks $4.00 double wells

$3 - Drafts $2 - you-call-itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s (Excludes Top Shelf)

SPECIAL NIGHT

THURS, 4/21

The Bar Grid $1 PBR pints all Detroit HOME games (Tigers, Wings, and Pistons) $2.50 Tall Boys ALL Detroit Games (Miller Lt., Bud, Bud Lt. and PBR) STUDY HALL (Happy Hour) Every Day from 3-6 $2.50 Well & Call drinks, $1 PBR Pints

SUNDAY: $3.99 Build Your Own Burger $12 Bucket of Dom Bottles Poker Room Open! Euchre Tourney at 3pm

MONDAY: Win Cash & Prizes in Our Amateur Contest! $1 Domestics 25 Cent Wings

THURSDAYS: College Night on Campus! 1/2 Off Ladies until 10pm $3 You-Call-Its until Midnight $6.75 mantinis

SPECIAL NIGHT

Pitcher Night Mixed Drink Pitchers Starting at $6.25 $5.50 Domestic Draft Pitchers $2.00 Waldo’s Shots Specials 6-close

$2.75 Bottles $6.50 Medium Pizza Poker Room Open!

$15 Buckets of Beer Big Booty Burgers

College Night on Campus! 1/2 Off Ladies until 10pm $3 You-Call-Its until Midnight $6.75 mantinis

THURS, 4/21

12-3pm All You Can Eat Pizza $4.95 Happy Hour ALL Night $2.50 Well and Call Drinks Lucas Pederson Live 10-close NO COVER!!

PINT NIGHT! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leiny Pints $4.99 Martinis Poker Room Open Cuervo Promo!

Ladies Night! (Ladies get in free) $3 Minipitchers $1 Martinis

$3 You-Call-It $6 Martinis & Mantinis

FRI, 4/22

$4 All Bombs $4 Shot AND a Beer (well shot & domestic bottle) $10 Pizza AND Beer (large 1 topping & domestic pitcher) Nidal Live 10-close NO COVER!!

UCALLIT. $3.00 all drinks until midnight Poker Room Open!

2-for-1 Dances and Pool Shows Until 10PM!!

$1 Bottles $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints Team Trivia 8pm

SAT, 4/23

Closed

$3.99 Build Your Own Burger $12 Bucket of Domestic Bottles Poker Room Open! Euchre Tourney at 3pm

$1 Domestics Pudding Wrestling

1/2 off SIN Night 1/2 Off Liquor and Domestic Beer with SIN card

SUN, 4/24

Win Cash & Prizes in Our Amateur Contest! $1 Domestics 25 Cent Wings

1/2 off Pizza 7-10pm $3 Domestic Mugs $2 Wells

MON, 4/25

$2 for 2 tacos 3-11pm $2.50 All BELL’S Beer $3.00 Long Island/Beach, Blue Island Drink Specials 6-close

$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs 35 cent Hot Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings Team Trivia 8PM

Poker Room Open!

“W” Club night Just $10 for personalized mug and lifetime membership, which gets you... $3 Domestic Liters, $5 Specialty Liters & $5 Wings FREE TEAM TRIVIA FREE PK Passport Night: 1/2 Off Startup and $1 Off Bottles

Service Industry Night! 1/2 Off Liquor and Domestic Draft Beer w/ SIN card $6.50 Medium Pizza Poker Room Open!

$2 Taboo Tuesday! $2 All Beers, Wells and Calls Fetish shows

$1 Pints $2 Wells $6.50 Martinis & Mantinis

TUES, 4/26

Waldo’s Infused Vodka Night Drink Specials 6-close $3 Vodka Shots & Brinks $5 Vodka Martinis 1/2 off food for WMU & K College Staff (with valid ID) Open Mic Every Wednesday at 9PM! Hosted by Cullin Anderson

College Night at Wayside 50 cent drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ AC Poker Room Open!

Beat the Winter Blues Night! $15 Dances

$2 Pints $5 1 Item Pizzas

WED, 4/27

The Bar Grid THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50

SUNDAY: Hawthorne Heights After Midnight Project Handguns Self Centered Key to the Midway

Sick of the same bars? Come try something new!

LIVE ENTERTAINMENT @ 10PM $2.25 Tall Domestics 7-10pm $2.50 Wells $2.25 Miller Pints $3 SoCo Lime

LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS

Glowfriends Shoegazy Twee Pop Inflatable Best Friend Garage My Other Friend Indie Rock

GLOW BOWL NIGHT

$1 Miller Lite Pints $4 Long Island/Beach $3 Washington Apple

9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums

Bastard Train Sounds like a Chevy Camaro From Kalamazoo

SAT, 4/30

GLOW BOWL NIGHT

GRADUATION CELEBRATION $3 U-CALL IT $3 We Pick Shots

After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS

SUN, 5/01

Service Industry Night 1/2 Off Drinks and Apps with service industry card

$3 Tall Domestics $2 Bells Pints

Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells

Hawthorne Heights After Midnight Project Handguns Self Centered Key to the Midway

MON, 5/02

Miller Lite Mondays (8-Close) $3 16oz. Miller lite $4 24oz Miller Lt. Cans $0.50 Wings $5 for 2 Hours of Bowling!

$1 PBR Pints All Day $4 DELUXE BURGER BASKET

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)? Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub

Formulas Pop Punk From Dayton, OH

TUES, 5/03

College Night (9-Close) $2 Wells, $2 Domestic Pints $2 Games, $1 Shoes $4.99 1-Topping Pizza

$3 ANYTHING! 9pm-1am

$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

Guilty Simpson Hip Hop From Detroit Tree City Hip Hop From Ann Arbor Mobil Experimental Hip Hop From Detroit

WED, 5/04

Ladies Night (8-Close) 1/2 Off Martinis 1/2 Off Wine $0.50 Games, $2 Shoes $4.99 1-Topping Pizza

Micro Brew Wednesdays $4 Talls, $3 Pints $5 Flavored Vodka Red Bulls

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pts, $3.25 Super Prem Pts. $2.00 well drinks $4.00 double wells

Baby Dee Jes Kramer Frank Fuzz

SPECIAL NIGHT

THURS, 4/28 FRI, 4/29

Book your fraternity, sorority, or college event party now!

MAKE YOUR GRADUATION DINNER/PARTY RESERVATIONS NOW!!!

Micaela Kingslight Free, All Ages Kalamazoo Academy of Rock Kidâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Rock Band From Kalamazoo

FRIDAY: PINT NIGHT! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leiny Pints $4.99 Martinis

SUNDAY: $1 Domestics Wet T-shirt Contest School’s Out Bash!

SATURDAY: $1 Bottles $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints Team Trivia 8pm

SPECIAL NIGHT

Pitcher Night Mixed Drink Pitchers Starting at $6.25 $5.50 Domestic Draft Pitchers $2.00 Waldo’s Shots Specials 6-close

$2.75 Bottles $6.50 Medium Pizza Poker Room Open!

$15 Buckets of Beer Big Booty Burgers

College Night on Campus! 1/2 Off Ladies until 10pm $3 You-Call-Its until Midnight $6.75 mantinis

THURS, 4/28

12-3pm All You Can Eat Pizza $4.95 Happy Hour ALL Night $2.50 Well and Call Drinks Cullen Anderson Live 10-Close NO COVER!!

PINT NIGHT! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leiny Pints $4.99 Martinis Malibu Rum Promo

Ladies Night! (Ladies get in free) $3 Minipitchers $1 Martinis

$3 You-Call-It $6 Martinis & Mantinis

FRI, 4/29

$4 All Bombs $4 Shot AND a Beer (well shot & domestic bottle) $10 Pizza AND Beer (large 1 topping & domestic pitcher) Logan Castle Live 10-Close NO COVER!

UCALLIT. $3.00 all drinks until midnight Poker Room Open!

2-for-1 Dances and Pool Shows Until 10PM!!

$1 Bottles $2.50 Wells $2.50 Pints Team Trivia 8pm

SAT, 4/30

Closed

$3.99 Build Your Own Burger $12 Bucket of Domestic Bottles Poker Room Open! Euchre Tourney at 3pm

$1 Domestics Wet T-shirt Contest School’s Out Bash!

1/2 off SIN Night 1/2 Off Liquor and Domestic Beer with SIN card

SUN, 5/01

Win Cash & Prizes in Our Amateur Contest! $1 Domestics 25 Cent Wings

1/2 off Pizza 7-10pm $3 Domestic Mugs $2 Wells

MON, 5/02

$2 for 2 tacos 3-11pm $2.50 All BELL’S Beer $3.00 Long Island/Beach, Blue Island Drink Specials 6-close

$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs 35 cent Hot Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings Team Trivia 8PM

Poker Room Open!

“W” Club night Just $10 for personalized mug and lifetime membership, which gets you... $3 Domestic Liters, $5 Specialty Liters, & $5 Wings FREE Team Trivia Every Tuesday PK Passport Night: 1/2 Off Startup and $1 Off Bottles

Service Industry Night! 1/2 Off Liquor and Domestic Draft Beer w/ SIN card $6.50 Medium Pizza Poker Room Open!

$2 Taboo Tuesday! $2 All Beers, Wells and Calls Fetish shows

$1 Pints $2 Wells $6.50 Martinis & Mantinis

TUES, 5/03

Waldo’s Infused Vodka Night Drink Specials 6-close $3 Vodka Shots & Brinks $5 Vodka Martinis 1/2 off food for WMU & K College Staff (with valid ID) Open Mic Every Wednesday! Hosted by Cullin Anderson

College Night at Wayside 50 cent drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ AC Poker Room Open!

$15 Dances Steak Night! $5 Steak Dinner

$2 Pints $5 1 Item Pizzas

WED, 5/04

www.theblacksheeponline.com

the movie page

Based on the Trailer

Scre4m (Scream 4) dave saw this and gave it a...

Director: Wes Craven

Arthur

Starring:

Out Now

Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere, the Ol’ Scream Gang

Starring: Russell Brand, Helen Mirren, Greta Gerwig, Jennifer Garner What You Need to Know: Oh no! Arthur (Russell Brand) has to decide between an arranged marriage and lots of moolah, or an uncertain future with the love of his life. Good thing he has a nanny (Helen Mirren) to help with super personal life decisions! What We Think: What a shocker, Russell Brand playing a spoiled, hard-partying dude that thinks he can get by on his accent and his charms. And maybe his looks. So, sure, he’s a bit obnoxious, but that doesn’t mean we won’t be slightly entertained.

Water For Elephants April 22nd Starring: Robert Pattinson, Reese Witherspoon, Christoph Waltz What You Need to Know: Basically Edward Cullen falls in love with a carny. Or, veterinarian Jacob (Robert Pattinson) falls in love with Marlena (Reese Witherspoon), a star performer in a circus from way back in the day. Oh, and they have a strange compassion for an elephant, in which they give it water… for survival, of course? What We Think: Who doesn’t love a good carnivalthemed nostalgic romance? And who knew Robert Pattinson was way better looking when he isn’t pale and brooding all the time? With fantastical lights, acrobats and animals, as well as cutie Reese Witherspoon thrown in the mix, we think this movie looks pretty good.

Fast Five

April 29th

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson What You Need to Know: A former cop (Paul Walker) partners with a scary ex-con (Vin Diesel) to shoot people, blow up cars, and break the law. Now that they are backed into a corner in Rio de Janeiro, they must pull one last job to gain their freedom. What We Think: BROS!!! ACTION!!! GIRLS!!! Can it get much better? Oh hell yeah. But does it need to? For this franchise, no way. Sure, any respectable human being would never actually enjoy these movies, but for the 17-year-old future fratdaddies of America, they are creaming themselves. No, they really are… there are boobs in the movie!

C+

Synopsis:

Neve Campbell, David Arquette, and Courteney Cox are back… BUT WHERE’S JAMIE KENNEDY?! WHERE?! So are there really any Scream franchise nerds out there? I don’t mean people who are fans of the movies; I’m talking about people that have been waiting desperately for the 11 years since Scream 3 came out just to check in on thrice-victim Sidney Prescott one more time or be updated in the relationship of Officer Dewey and reporter Gale Weathers? I mean, the first one was a solid movie and the other two weren’t awful, but there certainly can’t be people who… oh, wait: I just checked the internet, and there’s a whole site with Scream fanfiction. Yikes. I guess Scream 4 (or Scre4m) is for those people then. It takes us back to Woodsboro 15 years after the killings of the original Scream (or Sc1eam) to let us see what has been going on. And, hey, everything’s fine and dandy, that is, until Sidney comes back. You’d think after being hunted THREE times by a killer connected with this town, she’d learn to stay away. But no, Sidney’s plugging some “I’m over it all” bullshit so she decides to come back home and get a few innocent people killed. And of course, when it all happens, no one thinks “hey, maybe Sidney should get the FUCK outta here;” instead they all decide she should stay with her aunt and cousin Jill (Emma Roberts) for some reason.

on DVD

Screaming

And coincidentally, Cousin Jill is almost like a pseudo-Sidney herself. She’s got some nerdy film guy (one of the Culkin brothers) aka Jamie Kennedy’s character in the first films, and a hot, bitchy friend (Hayden Panettiere). And, most importantly, this time it’s Jill’s friends who are dying off, and, just like with Sidney, no one seems very affected. Of course, in Sc1eam, Sidney had no idea that she was being hunted down specifically, whereas in Scre4am everyone should know that the killer, whoever it is, is probably going to kill anything close to Sidney so everyone SHOULD JUST GET OUT OF WOODSBORO! But, haha, I’m thinking too hard into this MAJOR plot hole. The Scream series isn’t about original stories; it’s about recognizing horror film clichés then subverting some while honoring others. Yet Scre4m even forgets about that whole thing (which pretty much defined the other three) about halfway through. Sure, when Scre4m does want to do that funny, meta-stuff, it does it pretty well. The beginning is actually spectacular in the way that it parodies the endless horror movie sequels and remakes how these “updates” tend to just focus on appearing “modern” and “hip” by giving their killer webcams, Facebook, and Twitter. But then it seems like Scre4m realizes there’s not much else they

can do that they haven’t already covered. This is probably why the best thing Scre4m has going for it: the return of its three original characters. They helped connect me to a film series I actually remember enjoying. Of course, things always look better in hindsight, and, who knows, maybe if I watch Sc1eam, 2cream, and Scr3am again, they’ll suck. But I think I’ll still be entertained by David Arquette’s goofiness and Courteney Cox’s feistiness and Neve Campbell’s… um, ability to run? Unfortunately in this film, these three get little to do, almost as if the producers felt like they should all be there but wanted to focus mostly on the younger, sexier characters. I’m sure with the huge influx of technology in the last 11 years Scre4m could’ve made an interesting story about how easy it would be to become a murderous stalker in this age. Or maybe they could’ve created a satire about why victims in modern horror films don’t take advantage of cellphones and internets like how the original made fun of victims always running up the stairs. Instead, the film just vaguely claims that clichés have changed and there are “no more rules” like the classic “virgins can’t die.” Oh wait, there is one: apparently “gay guys can’t die in horror movies,” says one character. What?

answers are a few from here

April 19th The King’s Speech Rabbit Hole The Way Back Gulliver’s Travels Summer in Genoa

April 26th Upstairs Downstairs Human Planet South Park: 14th Season Blow Out (The Criterion Collection)

In the first Scream approximately how many gallons of fake blood were used during filming?

The film’s iconic mask is modeled off of the painting The Scream by which artist?

Laurie Metcalf plays the killer, Mrs. Loomis, in Scream 2. She’s notable for playing the sister in what 1900s sitcom?

What is the name of the fictional horror movie being filmed within Scream 3?

The Black Sheep's:

Summer media guide Thor may 26

Four Chillest Summer Albums

Directed By: Kenneth Branagh Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins Nerd Knowledge: The easy pick for this summer’s superhero movie that transcends the genre to end up as an actual good movie like Iron Man, Spiderman 2 or The Dark Knight. Thor–a movie about a Norse god expelled from his home world of Asgard as a punishment for rekindling a war— features solid casting, a preview devoid of implied romance or gratuitous shirtless scenes and Kenneth freakin’ Branagh directing. Yeah, the guy who usually directs Shakespeare movies is taking on a Marvel legend. This one’s gonna be a keeper.

Superhero Movie Preview

X-Men: First Class June 3

Directed By: Matthew Vaughn Starring: James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Kevin Bacon, January Jones Nerd Knowledge: If a movie’s still in production two months before it’s set to hit theaters, that’s usually a sign the flick won’t be very good. Sadly, that’s exactly where X-Men: First Class is. An interesting cast featuring (for some reason) Kevin Bacon and (for two very good reasons) January Jones’ tits, the X-Men origin story feels like it’s going to be Cruel Intentions with people flying and shooting lasers out of their eyes, as opposed to a dutiful tribute to a staple comic brand. Feel free to hope against this sucking, just don’t be surprised when it does, a lot.

Green Lantern june 17

Directed By: Martin Campbell Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Peter Sarsgaard Nerd Knowledge: From now on Ryan Reynolds should only be allowed to do superhero movies. His good looks, admittedly enviable body and perfect biting delivery all seem to be born in comic cells. DC’s big foray into the summer superherofest, Green Lantern seems to put itself in an odd position; should it rely on Reynold’s wit and charm to deliver classic one-liners, or should it stay grounded in the series’ lore? Assuming the film can strike the right balance between the two, your hard-earned lifeguarding dollars will not be wasted.

We like comics graphic novels, and we don't care who knows about it. This summer seven of them are making the jump to the big screen. Here's our thoughts on them.

Captain America: The First Avenger july 22

Directed By: Joe Johnson Starring: Chris Evans, Tommy Lee Jones, Hugo Weaving Nerd Knowledge: Captain America looks to be this summer’s weakest major superhero offering. The film, an origin story for the titular character, appears to be high on action, romance, gadgetry, super Nazis and Chris Evans ab shots, but short on story or plot development. His nemesis, Red Skull, looks to be underutilized as well. Notgood director Joe Johnson’s (of Jurassic Park III and The Rocketeer fame) mere presence physically states the implied: Marvel needed to get this movie done ASAP so they could move forward with the The Avengers flick. Expect Spiderman 3 quality here, folks.

THE REST Priest (May 13): Based off of a Korean comic about mankind’s battle against twelve fallen angels, the movie adaptation of Priest is about this badass priest guy who fights vampires that kidnapped his niece. That huge leap in general premise should be enough to hint at a horrible movie, but the fact the studio went back and added 3D to a movie shot in 2D (a la Clash of the Titans) all but guarantees this flick is a big, steaming pile of shit. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (July 1): Bam! Boom! Pow! Sure, Michael Bay’s movies might be like viewing a 13-year-old boy’s wet dreams, but the first Transformers movie of the postMegan Fox can’t be more incoherent than the last one, so it may be fun. At least there won’t be minstrel bots in this one. Cowboys & Aliens (July 29): Starring James Bond and Indiana Jones as cowboys who face off against the aforementioned aliens, Cowboys & Aliens is thin on plot but loaded with big-time movie folk. This move is the “totally awesome or absolute abortion” movie of the summer.

Whether you’re backpacking through Europe or planting your ass on your parents’ back porch, summer as a whole is perpetually chill. Instead of listening to the crazy thoughts in your head or humming randomly, we’ve scoured the mess of albums coming out this summer for you to kick it to, grill to and beach to, always with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other.

Fleet Foxes: Helplessness Blues May 3rd

Danger Mouse Cults: Cults June 7th & Daniele Luppi: Rome May 17th

Listen to it When: You’re grilling tilapia and veggies on a warm summer evening. Why We Can't Wait: Have you listened to their incredible self-titled 2008 release? So perfectly woodsy and harmonic, Fleet Foxes define early-summer; an optimistic mindset of hot and humid, but wearing a sweater with your short shorts. Slow at times but always upbeat, Fleet Foxes sophomore album’s first single ‘Helplessness Blues’ is an indication of a positive progression for a band that blew everyone away on their first try. Headlining Pitchfork Music Festival this year, Fleet Foxes is totally a band to get into right now.

Listen to it When: It’s a fun weekend up north boozing with the family. Why We Can't Wait: Most famously known for his half of Gnarles Barkley and mixing Jay-Z’s vocals on The Black Album with The Beatles instrumentals on The White Album to make The Grey Album, everything DJ Danger Mouse touches turns to gold – or platinum. Producing albums from such recent successes like Beck, James Mercer (with Broken Bells) and The Black Keys, as well as last year’s awesome compilation with Sparklehorse, Danger Mouse is sprinting fast down the path to legendary status. A little less heavy than some of his past efforts, Jack White and Norah Jones are featured on an album that might just be ideal for the early-summer nights on the porch.

Listen to it When: You’re at the hippest of house parties with a PBR keg and smug attitudes. Why We Can't Wait: The New York duo got quite the buzz late last year when they dropped a 3-song EP, complete with lo-fi vibes and plenty of catchy chill waves. These artsy indie-pop kids started streaming their newest single “Abducted” on NPR in April, sounding even more upbeat and polished. Hopefully they can live up to their hype instead of falling down into the firey pit of defunct buzzbands, but we have a good feeling about these two.

Chiddy Bang: Breakfast June 17th

Listen to it When: Playing video games on a high night in. Why We Can't Wait: Chiddy Bang set the tone for hip house parties this past fall with the ever-popular MGMT-beat driven “Opposite of Adults,” making them unforgettable for the exact goofy college crowd they are a part of. Their latest single, as a feature on Big Sean’s track “Too Fake,” is perfectly chill hip-hop with just enough beat to bob our head while we can still stay rested in relaxation. With the success of their past album and tour, we’re excited to see how they are going to deliver now that they have the past six month’s experience under their belt. If The Swelly Express can deliver as fast as it did, Breakfast should be a piece of pancake to gobble up.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

bartender

WEEK

of the

Age: 24 Major: Phys Ed. Status: Graduating this semester! What what! Dirties drink name you’ve heard: Wet Pussy Since it’s a college town, how many fake IDs do you usually take away a week: Over 5 What annoys the hell out of you while working: People who don’t leave at close, damn stragglers. Ever been in a bar fight?: While working once…obviously I won. Are you guilty of drinking and texting: Chyeahh almost always when I drink. Best pick-up line you’ve heard: Ever kiss an elephant between both ears? (The guy then turns both of his pockets inside so it looks like elephant ears) The girl will say “no” then you ask, “would you like to?” Pure gold. Dumbest thing you’ve done after you’ve had a few too much: One night I was so drunk I blacked out on West Michigan. My legs were straight up on the street and the upper half of my body was on the sidewalk. To make matters worse it was pouring rain. Ever been drunk to class and not on St. Patty’s day: Oh yeah What’s the one drink you’ll never be able to take back: Straight shot of gin. I can do gin and tonic just not a straight shot. Random childhood question, favorite movie when you were a kid: Heavyweights, I still love it. Life Motto: Live life always happy.

drink

Cheese Y-Bar

shot

Tequila Sunrise

Oatmeal Cookies

If Dice Four is anything like Four Loko, you dirtbags are in some serious trouble.

+ Tequila + Tabasco sauce

for

er t s a Dis

Sabbath Sauce

And on the 7th day, you got really high and chilled on the couch all day. Also known as “The Day of Rest,” Sunday is the most ideal time to recuperate during a marathon of “Real Housewives of New York,” put off doing homework for the third day in a row, and make a lot of delicious grub. The gym will be there on Monday, people! What You’ll Need: Apple sauce, whip cream, and various things that can be dipped. Fatty Factor: Kids eat it, and (some) kids aren’t fat!

Let’s Get Baked: - Mix the apple sauce and the whip cream together. - Grab cookies, pretzels, or your finger, dip into the sauce, and enjoy. Also delicious on top of ice cream. Whoever said delicious had to be intricate? Less is more, unless you’re talking about days off from school and time spent on the couch, man that never gets old.

Sexy Time

Sandwiches

Indian

Studying

Tail-Gate

Soups

Italian

drinking games

e Recip

Hangover

Number of Players: 2-4 What You Need: Some dice, some dudes and some drinks, duh. Intoxication Level: You won’t poop your pants, but you’ll wish you had. How to Play: -The object of the game is to roll as many of the same number on a sixsided dice as possible, like Yahtzee . -Each player can roll up to four dice up to four times. -The rolling player may remove a die from the rolling dice whenever he likes. -The rolling player may end their own turn at any point. -At the end of a player’s turn his total number of points is equal to the total amount of similar numbers he has, plus one point for any nonmatching die (For example, after four turns if a player has 2 3’s, a 5 and a 2 showing his score (3+3+1+1) would be eight. -Each player gets a turn. -At the end of the game the person with the lowest total score loses. -Subtract the loser’s score from the winner’s score. The loser must drink one second for each number remaining. The Game Ends When: Someone dies. GET IT?

Prairie Fire

+ Goldschlager + Bailey’s

+ Tequila + Pineapple Juice + Orange Juice + Cranberry Juice

dice four

dare you

Advertising Manager Brittany Cooper Mitch Farrington Contributing Writers John Ellis Travis Pelto Eddie Felson Veronica Vaughn Ashley Loomis Dana Borzea Eddie Tours Kristina Sablatzky Distribution Manager K the Man! pr team Jacquis Robertson David Zolp Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham

Questions?

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