Vol. 4, Issue 10
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
GRE
EN FREE.. DYE . LI IN Y KE OUR BEE
R.
3/13/14 - 3/26/14
SPRING BREAK: CHEEK COMBAT SMOKEY ROBINSON WROTE THIS Students all across the nation are waiting with bated breath to go wild on spring break, ready to collectively pee and vomit on select party cities across the nation. However, sometimes the destruction surpasses mere bodily fluid stains, sometimes the partying goes too far, and leaves a massive wake of destruction behind. Keep in mind, the following story actually happened. Panama City Beach, Florida before the incident is now referred to as “Panama City Beach: B.C.” — Before Cheek. It all started as floods of college students went on their annual pilgrimages to Panama City Beach. Everything began normally, with the usual debauchery of beer bongs, bikini mishaps, and bros spooning bros on fold-out couches. However, one particular group of students made the mistake of mixing hallucinogenic drugs with their normal fare of light beers. Upon reaching new planes of existence, they began to wander about the city and their pastelpainted resort. The world became a colorful landscape, but quickly transformed into something that couldn’t be trusted. At their hotel, they continued their descent into madness — couches began talking, boobies had eyeballs that winked at them, and it all came to fruition when at the pool, they saw mystical being with what looked like horns rising from its head. Outside of the psychedelic dream, Jimmy Cheek sat enjoying himself in the seaside hot tub, wondering why he bought a timeshare in PCB in 1973, but more importantly
why there was a group of stoned-looking kids gazing at him with fear in their eyes. “Damn hippies...” he muttered to himself as the students kept watching him. “I can see his anger,” one student said to the group. They began to throw their beer cans at the entity in front of them. Although the cans didn’t hit him, Cheek began to get angry at their lack of respect for authority. The chancellor rose out of the water, steaming. To the students, it looked like fire. He withdrew two large pool noodles. Most guests present at the scene decided at this time it was best to leave and go back inside. In a voice that sounded otherworldly, Cheek asked his attackers if they would kindly leave him to soak in the sun. Still affected by the hallucinogens, they heard a jumbled mess of satanic gargling that frightened them even further. In their madness, the students grabbed deck chairs and charged at the all-powerful Chancellor of Rocky Top. The mighty Cheek began to spin his noodles in a whirlwind fashion that negated every move of his attackers. The students swung their chairs with ferocity and a tenacity only found in someone who is on their sixth round of beer pong. The noodles, now reaching approximately Mach two in speeds, effortlessly whipped away the chairs, sending them flying through the air. The chairs were found two zip codes away later that day. As bystanders looked on in
horror, the intoxicated assailants began to receive the blows of the pool noodles. The lashing propelled them backwards into the swimming pool, and the ensuing tidal wave was said to reach as high as twenty feet.
Then, all was quiet. Cheek stood over his attackers, but not in anger. As they struggled through the pain, the chancellor quietly said to them “Why do you attempt what you are not able to do?” They had no response. By the time authorities arrived, Cheek was nowhere to be found.
Upon the end of spring break, word had gotten out about the details of the insane attack, and PCB would never be the same. When questioned about the events that took place, all Cheek said was, “It’s good to be king.”
PAGE 4
PAGE 5
PAGES 10-11
SPRING BREAK 2014: UTPD EDITION
TOP 10: ITEMS TO BRING ON SPRING BREAK
ST. PATTY’S DAY ADVICE FOR THE GINGER MALE
A COP’S WORST NIGHTMARE HAS BEGUN.
LADIES, REMEMBER THAT LESS IS LITERALLY MORE WHEN IT COMES TO PACKING FOR SB.
IT’S THE ONE DAY A YEAR WHERE YOU GET TO THRIVE, SO DON’T MESS IT UP.
• KEEP UP WITH US! • @BLACKSHEEP_UTK• THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM •
>>
Meet the Staff <<
CAMPUS MANAGER Austin Owen
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Quinn Myers
EDITORIAL MANAGER Emily Hagenburger
OWNER Atish Doshi
ADVERTISING MANAGERS Alyssa Watson
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
WRITERS Katie Vaughn, Austin McLaurine Alex Harward, Meagan Dawson Scott Hannah DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Kelley Rieder SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER James Ballard
QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com HATE US? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900
DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Follow us! @BLACKSHEEP_UTK • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
THIS WEEK’S WORD IS: OCTOPUS
WORD, MAN
#GOODTIMES #THEBLACKSHEEP
MALPROPOSITION
GUESS THE MASCOT
@BLACKSHEEP_UTK
An offer made to another party with ulterior motives clearly in mind. The theater majors ended up awkwardly studying xylem for several hours after Bert’s malproposition of, “learning biology together” was misunderstood by Karen.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW
YOUR MEMES?
DO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THIS FAMOUS MEME? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UTK - FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!
TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UTK • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: ALABAMA BIG AL
STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UTK FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: GENE SHALIT
LAST WEEK’S: ANNOYING FACEBOOK GIRL
BAR SPECIALS ON YOUR PHONE.
YEAH!
Download THE BLACK SHEEP MOBILE APP! SCAN FOR THE iPHONE APP SCAN FOR THE ANDROID APP
ALL THESend PARTYinPICS AND DRINKING GAMES YOU CAN HANDLE, your Party Pics and Shoutouts, too! TOO
Search Black Sheep Mobile
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
SPRING BREAK 2014: UTPD EDITION ALEX HARWARD WROTE THIS
Panama City Beach, FL — 8 a.m. The sun is shining, a slight breeze is blowing, and the surf looks nearly perfect. But soon they will wake up and darkness will descend upon the beach. They will emerge from their cheap hotels, possibly even their cars, and roll painted coolers onto the sand. They will claim their kingdoms on the beach and then the day rages will begin. A cop’s worst nightmare has begun: spring break.
The Black Sheep caught up with UTPD’s lone ranger to see what motivates him to make the trek each year. “I’ll tell you, I see things. I see real weird things,” he said, looking into the distance. “These kids now a days, they’re on a whole new level. Once they start up in the morning they never stop. Beer bongs, real bongs, shots, more booze than I can attest to, and drugs galore. Spring break for these kids is like The Wolf of Wall Street on speed.”
But there a very important figure watches over spring break from the dark recesses of his UTPD car. Troy Lane, chief of police, UTPD, travelled from Knoxville behind the caravan of spring breaking Vols to keep watch over his flock. You may not see him, you may not hear him, and you may not remember having a conversation with him, but he is there. Like the Dark Knight of spring break, Chief Lane will be there.
Chief Lane reported the greatest truths of spring break, “It’s like a war zone out there and I’m the only survivor from the opposing side. I fight my way through mobs of plastered youths. And let me tell ya’, one time I got lifted up and freakin’ crowd-surfed my way up to the wet t-shirt contest stage. Man, that was one of the traumatic moments for my humble, wife-loving self. Please don’t put that on the record, they’ll have my ass for that.”
of two hundred people,” he says as he takes another drag from his e-cigarette. “I played defensive lineman back in high school and sometimes I like to relive the glory days, what’s so wrong with that?”
hippies in handcuffs and drink a goddamn Bud Light at my desk as I watch them cry, as long as my Vol family has a good time, and makes it back to Knoxville — if they don’t, who will I write tickets for?”
“I’ve seen more butts, boobs, and even the occasional scrotum than I would like to admit. I’ve been screamed at, cursed at, hit, and even stabbed once. It gets real on the break, but you better believe I’m not afraid to tackle some sorry-ass frat star and arrest him in front
“I’ll write an occasional ticket or two and snap a few pictures for future references, but other than that I’m only here to make sure my Vols get back safe. If I have to let loose and whip some University of Florida frat boy ass, then so be it. I will put those gator-lovin’
The Black Sheep would like to give a huge thank you to Chief Lane for all of his valuable spring break insights. The next time you’re in PCB be on the lookout for this unsung hero, and don’t be afraid to go right up to the UTPD car and shake this man’s hand.
Chief Lane spends his days rolling around campus in his swagger wagon, custom painted with the UTPD logo. Every year he makes the road trip to watch over the drunken escapades from the safety of his all-terrain vehicle.
AROUND CAMPUS
‘TIS THE SEASON FOR TREASON
THE
TOP
TEN
ITEMS TO BRING ON SPRING BREAK MEAGAN DAWSON WROTE THIS
When packing for spring break, being a minimalist is key. There’s no need to carry around any extra baggage -- like your boyfriend or your dignity. Just take the essentials. Here’s what you’ll need: 10.) Clothes: You might think you need a lot of duds in the event of spilling, puking, or other unforeseen catastrophes (i.e. spontaneous pelican attacks). However, it’s spring break — everyone walks around proudly wearing their puke, beer, and shame stains. Leave the “hygiene” at home. 9.) Sunscreen: “I don’t burn easily, and I need some color anyways!” you say, like an idot. You will burn, it will peel, and you will be miserable. There is nothing sexy or fun about looking like a shedding lobster.
KATZ PAJAMAS WROTE THIS Spring on the University of Tennessee’s campus is a time of hammocks and slacklines, spray tans and bleaching, and last but not least...innocent students and angry preachers. They go together like peanut butter and engine oil. The Black Sheep wanted to know where this mysterious man goes when it was too cold to condemn everyone to Hell. What goes on behind confessional doors as the holy men prepare for the spring? To that end, the talented, boyish staff at The Black Sheep tugged and pulled a few strings in the confessional and got our little hands on the manual that these preacher men use to check their progress before hitting the spring blossomed streets of Knoxville. ANGRY PREACHER’S MANUAL - SPRING 2014: The cold weather does not properly correlate with the effectiveness of the sermons that us holy men of the Lord give, so leave between late September and early October. Students tend to bundle up during winter, and if they have hats and heavy jackets covering their faces, we can’t properly condemn them to hell for how slutty they’re probably dressed underneath those layers. Plan out the preachin’ route around campus. That way, each day we will have planted roots in a new location, forcing students to formulate new ways to class every day of the week. Remember to keep them on their toes, those ungrateful Hell children need direction. Hack into the school’s class schedules so you can pinpoint the exact times certain walkways will be most congested, ensuring for a greater volume of students to harass into seeing the Lord’s light. There are thousands of students walking around without any knowledge that they are headed for eternal damnation, so the more hellions around the better. Hire a professional investigator to seek out the most loud-mouthed and opinionated
06
students. Make sure you memorize theses students’ schedule in order to run into them, so they can make the biggest scene with a battle of Biblical wits. Arguments draw crowds, crowds have more ears. And remember, the Lord is on your side so no matter how “right” the arguer may sound, you always win. Always. The accusations of last semester got a little dry, so start thinking of more creative ways to tell students why they’re going to forever burn in the flames of Hell. Perhaps being a woman, participating in a sorority, or having the nerve of living and breathing in this place of damnable “higher learning” are points you can draw on, to name a few. If you have to coerce a young coed into sin before damning her, so be it. Bring a teammate. If there are two preachers at the same time you can play a good cop/bad cop routine. That way, one could be shouting about premarital sex and the other could be reading Bible verses. It’s more theatrical, and we’ll trick students into thinking there are two paths to the Lord when really there’s only one, and for them it leads straight to Hell. Take singing lessons. Not to bring in a different type of student audience, but to practice shouting over students at loud octaves without losing breath. And if you do bring that “different type of student audience” know that they’re probably those dastardly penis-touching types, and in much more need of saving than the rest. That’s when we had to stop reading. Students, the time has come to be educated about your unwanted and reprehensible behavior. The preacher men have been pumping themselves up with this new material that will hit you harder than a King James Bible on the head. So when you’re slugging your way to class, hungover and still unaware of where you woke up this morning, try to avoid the main routes so as to not have someone else other than your subconscious tell you you’re doomed.
8.) Sharpie: No access to your phone contact book, no problem! You’ll be able to write important phone numbers on your body in the event that you get lost or arrested. More importantly, you will also be prepared to draw artistic penises on anyone passed out with their shoes on. Functional and fun, like cold medicine! 7.) Disposable Cameras: One word: blackmail. As soon as you whip out one of these bad boys people start acting a fool. All you have to do is sit back and rake in the embarrassing, career-threatening pictures. When all’s said and done, you’ll have enough ammo to take down any of your frienemies should the need arise. 6.) Pick Up Lines: What better place to test out your new lady-slaying material than an obscure bar on spring break. Your inebriated audience will most likely be very eager to participate; drunk bitches love being wooed. Not to mention, odds are you will never see these people again so there’s no pressure. Plus, unless you have these written on notepad, they don’t take up packing space. You can’t go wrong. 5.) Cups: You will need a way to discretely carry all of your recreational beverages. Solo cups and coozies won’t cut it — cops seem to have figured them out. Frat stars swear by tumblers and bubba kegs; no word yet on how the police are adapting to this emerging species of open containers. 4.) Fanny Pack: You will need a sure fire way to keep track of all your essentials, room key and airplane bottles included. The best way to do so is not trust your very intoxicated hands! Strap on a stylish neon fanny pack and you’re ready to rage responsibly. 3.) Advil: It’s true that there is no greater hangover cure than hair of the dog. But three days in, you will need some real medicine. Probably not just to soothe your pounding head, either. Realistically you will do something dumb like jump off your balcony, or give your 300 lb NBFF a piggy back. Alcohol can’t soothe those aches; it’s a job for drugs. 2.) Phone Case: We’re talking an indestructible, life proof, drunk proof, nuclear holocaust proof case. You should be able to drop your phone from a helicopter into the ocean and have it survive. Because, there is a very good possibility that that will actually happen (especially if you ignore #4). 1.) Booze: No shit you need alch Sherlock, but try and get a variety, because chances are you’ll get burned out on Pineapple Burnett’s after the second fifth. Also, remember to keep holy the golden rule of vacation booze: bring your own stash, and bring enough to last. You should be able to survive and thrive off these essentials. But remember kiddies, none of these musthaves will make your SB2014 dreams come true if you forget to pack your can-do attitude! Seriously though, no one likes a buzzkill.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS
WHAT ARE YOU THE PATRON SAINT OF? Frank
“Patron Saint of the Mustache - Prayed to for guidance when growing, grooming, or defending your ‘stache.”
Summer
“Patron Saint of Statistics - Prayed to by all struggling to understand their statistics courses.”
Johanna
“Patron Saint of the “I’ll be there in 5” Excuse - Represents all those who are consistently late to events and meetings. “
07
The Black Sheep is Hiring Writers quickly and easily apply today: theblacksheeponline.com/jobs
JACKSON AVE. MARKET
THE BAR GRID BLACKSTOCK SATURDAY! Temple, $5, 9pm KJ Swanka w/ Destroid & Pendulum, $10, 10pm
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
During All March Madness Games: $2 Miller Light Drafts, $0.50 Wings
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
Thursday 3/13
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$4.50 Vodka Bombs $2 Bottles $7 Double Vodka Red Bull
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Friday 3/14
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm! Devan Norwegian Wood, Performing Live Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers All Night $5 Double LIT
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
Saturday 3/15
Temple, $5, 9pm KJ Swanka w/ Destroid & Pendulum, $10, 10pm
Jazz Night 9pm Vance Thompson, Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite & Coors Original Pitchers All Night $2.50 Jim Beam Drinks
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
SPECIAL NIGHT
Sunday 3/16
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts & $2.50 Wells, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers All Day
Monday 3/17
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers from 9pm-closing
Tuesday 3/18
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Wednesday 3/19
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Adrien Cottier, Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend
ble for Available for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Availa
Availab iPhone and Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today!
Fort Sanders Yacht Club
THE BAR GRID Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
SAT: Disco Night!
Saturday and Sunday: Brunch 10am - 4pm Over 30 Menu Items, Create Your Own Brunch!
Everyday: $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
FRIDAY! Barstool Romeos with Jon “Corn Bred” Worley, 9pm
Ladies Night! 1/2 off everything for women! Beer and appetizers 4pm-close Liquor and wine 4pm-10pm 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville DJ and Dancing starting at 9!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Killians Red & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Sweet Water IPA & More!)
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Lager/Lite/Bockbeer, Mich Amber & More!) $3 Imports (Fat Tire, Shiner White Wing, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
Brunch 10am - 4pm, $3 Mimomas 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm. Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-of-the-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, New Belgium 1554/Spring Blond & More!)
Best Brunch in Downtown Knoxville! 10am - 4pm Home of the $3 Mimosa
Open 12 - 6 $5 Hookah! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Try our new spring menu!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!), $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Stella, Sweet Water IPA & More!) $5 Hookah Sessions!
1/2 off large pizza from 4-close - Dine in only Scarecrow Winter Games! Play our games and have a chance to win a grand prize trip to Las Vegas!
1/2 off bottles of wine 4pm - 10pm Excluding house bottles
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
SPECIAL NIGHT
Knox York with Bahasha Tree, 9pm, $5
Bring Your Own Vinyl and Record Swap Night + Weekly Raffle for $25 Gift Certificate to Wild Honey Records $1 OFF ALL IMPORTS!!
Thursday 3/13
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
Barstool Romeos with Jon “Corn Bred” Worley, 9pm
Live Music Nights! (please PM for booking)
Friday 3/14
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
Salome Cabaret Burlesque Show: Whatever Lola Wants 10pm, $10, Doors at 9pm
Disco Night!
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Saturday 3/15
Come Party at The Well!
Open at 8pm! Video Game Tournament Night - Winner Receives $12 Bar Credit! PLUS HAPPY HOUR FROM 8-10:30!
Sunday 3/16
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
St. Pats Comedy Open Mic - The Drunken Sets 9pm, FREE
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Monday 3/17
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Yuengling Lager/ Lite & More!), $3 Imports (New Belgium Fat Tire/1554/ Spring Blond & More!)
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Improv Comey Show, 8pm, FREE!
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Tuesday 3/18
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Bockbeer, Mich Amber, & More!), $3 Imports (Shiner White Wing, Blue Moon, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
National Comic Ben Kronenberg with Shane Rhyne, Jay Kendrick and more! 8pm
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & Ciders are $1 off!
Wednesday 3/19
St. pAtty’s Day advice For the ginger male NIC KANAAR WROTE THIS For one night of the year, redheaded men aren’t the butt of every joke, or on the bottom of every woman’s “would never bang” list. It’s a day where the entire town’s main priority is to get irrevocably smashed, and your red mane could be at the center of it all. It’s a night to remember, and after ten hours of drinking, hopefully you will. Follow the tips on the next page and you’ll celebrate Saint Patrick like he would have wanted: red hot and on fire. Have a drink on us, you “Irish” bastards.
There’s one
glorious day of the year...
...when green beer and social intoxication runs rampant throughout bars across the nation: St. Patty’s Day. Not only does this day promote mind-altering, bone-crushing, party animal behavior, but it also recognizes a group of people not normally celebrated for, well, anything. We’re talking to you, male gingers of America. You deserve a break from the torments brought onto you by your tan, freckle-less, dark-haired peers, yes, you dserve a day when everyone embraces your “uniqueness.” Redheaded women have escaped the teasing that has escalated over the past ten years thanks to the likes of Isla Fisher, Kate Mara, and Jessica Rabbit, but that doesn’t mean a Ginger man can’t rule one very drunk day of the year. This redheaded writer from The Black Sheep has the tips to ensure the ginger gentleman’s St. Patty’s Day includes one hell of a night.
Go Red AND Green: Obviously you’re gonna want to wear a shit-ton of green, but be smart about it. Instead of instinctually covering up your fiery hair with some kind of hat, let your fire burn for the world to see. Everyone who notices you and your hair on St. Patty’s Day is going to assume you’re Irish, and this is the one day you don’t have to deny your potato-humping heritage. Even if you aren’t a man of Celtic persuasion, by exposing your red hair you’ll have more free beer flying at your face then you’ll know what to do with. You’ll be a St. Patty’s Day guest of honor and drunk people will want to pay you a drunken tribute. Keep that funny hat off and play the Irish role people want you to play. Becoming a novelty happens at a price, and in this case, that price is copious amounts of free booze. If you’re really committed, which you should be, put on an Irish accent to compliment your green appearance. People enjoy authenticity, so fake that shit. Girls can be suckers for a man with an accent, and what better time to try it out than on a night where people are hammered by noon? With the right amount of practice, any redhead could sound like the foreign strange every girl dreams of. Besides, you could get away with saying anything as long as you emphasize the accent. Instead of getting slapped for saying “top o’ the morning to ya, would you like to sit on my face?” they’ll assume your “Irish” ass is charming.
Don’t Forget Your Lucky Charms: If you’re going to go overboard with the outfit and go full leprechaun, that’s fine too. The Black Sheep suggests you carry a small loot of fake gold coins in your pocket with your phone number etched on each one. Think about it: you walk up the bar wearing green overalls and stand next to some six-foot-tall brunette babe. Order your beer and immediately buy her a drink as well. Before she has time to thank you, flick her one of the gold coins, give her a wink and walk away with as much swagger that your green clogs will allow you. That woman will be balancing your “lucky charms” on her green stained tongue before the nights over. Speaking of props, this next trick should be done well into the drunken night. We call this one the “Green Jesus,” and it’s easy to execute. Beforehand, head to your local supermarket and purchase a small container of green food coloring. This is what most cheap bars use to give the beer that disturbing yet flavorless greet tint. Target a woman sipping on clear liquor and gather up her female friends to form a crowd. Run your fingers through your red locks and tell them all you are an “Irish Wizard.” Palm the small vile of green dye and hover your hand over her drink allowing a few drops to plummet down into the glass. Quickly pocket the dye, and give the glass a quick shake as you dazzle the crowd with some spirit fingers. As the clear rum suddenly turns green, give the female crowd a slight bow and let the bartender know he’s going to need a mop.
Your Dropkick Murphys: Another important thing to keep in mind as you head out to the festivities is the crew you bring. Like normal, keep your “Ice Man” and “Goose” close to your side as they benefit and help aid your ginger stardom, but not if they too are of the redhead persuasion. Having more than one bush fire in a group of male friends is a problem in itself, but especially during St. Patty’s Day. Multiple copper heads packed into a crowded bar brings down the rarity, thusly taking away your spotlight as you attempt to do a “jig” on a pool table in hopes of applause. No redhead has ever achieved fame by partnering up with another redhead. And no, Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap does not count. Make your crew of “tanners” celebrate you as well. When people see you enter a party or a bar on top of your friend’s shoulders they’ll know you’re a big deal. Have them all learn some Irish folk songs and even some Irish toasts, you’ll demand attention when your entire crew sings with green beers raised in the air. Once people see how cool having a ginger around on St. Patty’s day is, they’ll be begging to join your gang. Hang a sign off of your tallest friend that reads “no fatties” and let the selection begin. Gather up the town’s hotties and you’re crew will be the center of attention, with your shamrock ass leading the pack.
Get Her Down on your Dublin: The after party is the time to put the icing on the carrot cake. If your newly-acquainted female companion is still hesitant about sleeping with a soulless pale-face, then we have one grand finale to seal the deal. Carefully paint the seven colors of the rainbow on your pink penis for some obvious Irish fun. By decorating your crank, you’re not only showing the girl what’s at the end of the rainbow, but you’re also saying “Hey, I like to have fun.” What kind of paint do you use? We have no idea. The Black Sheep was a little apprehensive about researching penis paints, so we’ll leave that up to you, just get back to us. If the woman is repulsed by your creativeness, then pack in your four-and-a-half inch rainbow, turn off The Wizard of Oz soundtrack you put on for emphasis, and move on to the next potato groupie.
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Relationship Status: In a relationship
BARTENDER
Major: Supply chain management
OF THE WEEK Jeremy Soble of Melody Bar
Disgusting Drink: Guinness and orange soda
What do you want to be when you grow up?: Alive
How often do you have to deal with nudity as part of your job?: Rarely, but still once or twice.
The winner of this year’s NCAA Tournament is…: Harvard, I’m calling the upset early.
How old was the oldest nudie?: Probably in their 50’s.
What’s the most sensuous thing about the lost art of sensuality?: Probably the long s sound.
What’s the best go-to dance move?: The robot, because women of all ages can appreciate it.
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because they lie slightly less than Fox News.
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Chickens
Guinness Cupcakes
Sitting around at a bar is always a good time, but sometimes talking about last night’s hookup over and over gets … lame. Here’s a quick and easy game you can play at a booth in the bar that doesn’t require much skill or many supplies.
St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and everything’s coming up green. This year, combine everyone’s favorite beer into your favorite after-dinner snack. That’s right, baby: Guinness cupcakes.
What You’ll Need: At least 2 quarters and drinks! Number of Players: 2 teams of 3 or 4 people each. Level of Intoxication: A good lil’ buzz.
What You’ll Need: 3 and 1/2 sticks salted butter, 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 cup Guinness Extra Stout beer, 4 teaspoons vanilla extract, 1 and 1/3 cups granulated sugar, 1 and 1/14 cups flour, 3/4 teaspoon baking soda, 2 large eggs, 3-4 cups powdered sugar, 3-4 tablespoons Irish coffee creamer, 1/3 cup sprinkles and cupcake tin liners. Cook Time: About an hour. Fatty Factor: The alcohol cancels it all out.
How to Play: - Split up into teams and sit together on opposite sides of the table. - One team puts all of their hands under the table and discreetly passes around a quarter between them. The other team sits there and watches (no, it’s not weird). - When the team without the quarter feels ready, they yell, “Up chickens!” The team with the quarter must stop passing the coin and put their elbows up on the table, making fists. - The team without the quarter then yells, “Down chickens!” The players must slam their hands down on the table. The goal is for the person with the quarter to slam their hands down without having the coin make a clanging sound on the table. - The other team now has to try to guess which hand is holding the quarter. If there are only 3 players per team, they get 2 guesses. If there are 4 players, they get 3 guesses. The guess has to be a unanimous decision among the team, so we suggest having a spokesperson. - If the team finds the quarter, the passing team drinks; if they don’t find the quarter, the guessing team has to drink. Then it’s the other team’s turn! - Don’t cheat. Don’t hide the quarter under your leg, slide it off the table, etc. You can try to psych out the other team by faking out passes, “strategizing,” whatever. The Game Ends When: Your hands are bruised and you need more brew.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES! 12
Favorite Shot: Whiskey
Who is the best drunk in media history?: Hemingway, he lived the perfect life: drink, hunt, party, write, and repeat until you die.
Favorite Drink: Long Island ice tea
ROCKSTAR
Like, what trends do you expect to be totes fetch this spring?: Streaking.
Let’s Get Baked: - Get our your sticks of butter and leave them on the counter to soften up. - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and a line a cupcake tin with liners. - In a saucepan, melt 1 and 1/2 sticks of butter and add in the Guinness, 2 teaspoons vanilla extract and the cocoa. After melted and mixed, remove from heat. - In a bowl, mix together granulated sugar, flour and baking soda. Then pour in the cooled Guinness/butter mixture and the eggs one at a time. Keep mixing until they’re just combined. - Divide the batter in the cupcake tin and bake for 22-24 minutes. - To make the frosting, beat the remaining butter with an electric mixer until smooth. - Add powdered sugar, coffee creamer and remaining vanilla extract, and beat until medium thickness. Add more powdered sugar if you need to. - Frost the cooled cupcakes and shake on some sprinkles! We don’t advise trying to shove these down a beer bong.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
SPACE JAM 2 LEAKED SCREENPLAY SCOTTY G WROTE THIS After Space Jam’s newly-announced sequel was hyped to monstarnomical proportions weeks ago, it didn’t take long for the internet to do what it does best, which is intrusively hacking the ever-loving shit out of laptops of Hollywood execs. Here’s what we found when The Black Sheep stole—er, “discovered” a leaked draft of the sequel’s script: Space Jam 2 INT. UNITED CENTER - NIGHT Montage of the 2015 NBA All Star Game in Chicago. The crowd oohs and aahs as LEBRON JAMES steals a pass and sprints down the court, throwing down his signature wide-outstretched one-handed dunk. The buzzer sounds for the end of the game. ADAM SILVER, the new NBA commissioner, comes out to center court with a microphone. ADAM SILVER Despite the tremendous financial success of the league, we’re about to embark on a
new format that will make boatloads of money. The doors to the locker room slam shut just before the players have left the court. ADAM SILVER As you can see in this fine-print clause in the recent collective bargaining agreement, “The best players in the world will stay in the United Center from now until forever, playing basketball to a sold-out crowd 24/7.” Silver transforms right before their eyes into MR. SWACKHAMMER, the cigar-smoking villain from Space Jam. SWACKHAMER uses his mystical powers to turn the players into dead-eyed basketball zombies who cannot stop playing. INT. SUBURBAN CHICAGO DAY DERRICK ROSE groggily sits up in bed and pushes the covers off to look at his knees, running
his fingers across multiple scars. He tries to bend his legs, winces in pain and lays back down. The phone rings and he answers. VOICE D, it’s time to come back. The league needs you. ROSE I can’t. I’m finished. VOICE I know your third knee injury was bad enough to send you into retirement, but you’re the only one left who might have a chance to beat them. The voice explains the predicament with the All-Stars stuck in Chicago, and that Rose needs to assemble a team to beat them, setting the players free from SWACKHAMER’s contract. ROSE If I’m gonna have any chance, I’ll need your help. VOICE
Those days are over. I can’t help you ... but I know who can. The man hangs up the phone, and we see 6 NBA Championship rings on his fingers. BUGS BUNNY, DAFFY DUCK, LOLA, ELMER FUDD, and the whole gang of Looney Tunes show up at ROSE’s front door. He opens the door and they flood in, cracking jokes about how weird the real world is. In his kitchen, BUGS finds a bag of baby carrots in the fridge and falls in love. PEPE LE PEW grabs a bag of sliced bread. They all get to practicing on ROSE’s backyard court, and things look grim. ROSE can barely run and none of the Tunes are any good at basketball. DAFFY comes across ESPN The Magazine and discovers the world of sabermetrics. By applying the tenets of advanced statistics like True Shooting Percentage, Player Efficiency Rating, and Per-
DURING ALL
MARCH MADNESS GAMES $2 DRAFTS $0.50 WINGS
1817 LAKE AVENUE | COOLBEANSBAR.COM
centage of Field Goals Assisted, the team quickly improves into an impressive group that plays smart, unselfish basketball. They head to the United Center and challenge SWACKHAMMER’s AllStars to a game. INT. UNITED CENTER - NIGHT In the first five minutes of the game, The Tune Squad is keeping it close, until zombie JOAKIM NOAH commits a flagrant foul on ROSE, badly hurting his knee. The team starts to give up a huge lead. BUGS calls a timeout. BUGS BUNNY I have a plan, but I need someone to lead the team until halftime. Enter BRIAN SCALABRINE. BRIAN SCALABRINE I GOT THIS. BUGS takes ROSE to Looney Tune Land, where they can bend the normal rules of real-
ity to heal his knee instantly. Meanwhile, the Tunes have fallen behind by a huge margin at halftime. With his newly healed knee, ROSE leads a tremendous comeback. In the final seconds, the Tune Squad is down by two. ROSE dribbles down the court, getting through a double team with an insane crossover-spinmove combo. He drives to the hoop and takes off from the free throw line. The zombie AllStars collapse on ROSE, trying to block his dunk. At the last moment, ROSE dishes the ball to the corner, where BUGS catches it and gains the game winning three at the buzzer. The Tunes celebrate, and the zombie All-Stars regain control
of their bodies, joining in on the celebration. SWACKHAMMER So what, now that you’ve beaten the best players, you ARE the best players! Now I have you! You have to play here forever! He starts to put his spell on ROSE and the Tunes, but just then, the Monstars come onto the court and counteract his powers, turning SWACKHAMMER into a zombie who is forced to walk around selling popcorn in the stadium forever. Watching the game from the upper deck, the man with 6 rings smiles as he takes a sip of his drink from a water bottle labeled “secret stuff.”
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B G GAMES The IN K IN R D | R SPECIALS | BA ARTICLES
LET’S PLAY ST. PATTY’S DAY BINGO NUDITY
GREEN BEER
SOMEONE ASLEEP
STRIPED SOCKS
GREEN EGGS OR HAM
A FIGHT
DROPKICK MURPHYS SHIRT
THIS SIGN
PUKE
A DRINKING TICKET
SOMEONE CRYING A PADDY WAGON DRUNK OLD MAN
A COP
A BEER BONG
GREENMAN
LEPRECHAUN HAT
A WIPEOUT
A MAKEOUT
OUTDOOR PEEING
A BAGS GAME
A DRUNK ASIAN
MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA
INDOOR SUNGLASSES
the crossword
famous jo(h)n’s
ACROSS: 2) Jon Bon Jovi’s real last name. 4) This John was a 1930’s bank robber, and also has a band with his name in the title. 5) A “John” might refer to someone who is the leader of a group of what? 8) HIs real name is Philip Clapp, the original Jackass. 9) John Cena’s primary occupation is in what? 11) Uncle Jesse, two words. 14) John Madden was the coach of this town’s team when they won the Super Bowl in 1976. 17) The “F” in John F. Kennedy. DOWN: 1) The second president of the United States, two words. 3) This John ran against Barack Obama in 2008. 6) Johnny Depp won the Golden Globe for Best Actor in 2008 for which movie, two words? 7) John Goodman is best known for his role as the dad in this sitcom. 8) John Mayer recently broke up with this pop star, two words. 10) The prominent medical university, Johns what? 12) “Sittin on the John” might refer to sitting on a what? 13) Johnny Cash often sang at this prison. 13) The famous Beatle who sang “Imagine.” 16) We might know this John best as Danny Zuko.
LOOKING FOR AN INTERNSHIP? Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more! Get experience doing something YOU LOVE!
APPLY ONLINE TODAY! theblacksheeponline.com
15
the wordsearch
the month of march
Green Beer Leprechaun Rainbows Shamrock Shake Celtic Clovers Irish Saint Patrick Kiss Me Spring Break Sunshine Margaritas Mardi Gras Spring Sunburns Aloe Vera Wet T-Shirt Contest Beach Novelty Tees Midterms