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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 11 11/29/12 - 12/5/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
New Year’s Resolutions You Know You’re Going to Fail Lindsey Fleck wrote this
As the calendar wastes away and the hours inch closer to midnight you come to the grim realization that you’ve yet to make your 2013 resolution. Curse giving up on 2012’s promise to procrastinate less! So you look around at every Tom, Dick and Jane in the room before hastily blurting out the first resolution that pops to mind. No fear, in the back of your mind you know you’ll never be able to keep your resolution for more than a few days, even if you’re promising to stop masturbating... less. Dieting: Okay, we all know you’ve gained a few pounds this year. It happens. You’ll promise yourself again this year and it’ll last a couple weeks, then you’ll get annoyed that your friend blessed with a high metabolism eats pizza and drinks beer all the time! Then your diet is thrown out the window when you delude yourself into thinking “I only wanted to lose, like, one pound anyway. I like my body.” No, you hate your body, everyone does. Exercising: This goes hand in hand with dieting, but you’ll exercise because you want to look good for your totally original PCB spring break trip. You and all your sisters will be hitting up all the Zumba classes the Trecs offers, but soon you’ll get bored with the long-ass line. Having to get there an hour early to get a spot, you decide it just isn’t worth it anymore. Deleting Non-Friends on Facebook: You might make it through a few of the easier deletes before realizing a deletion means you’ll no longer have be able to creep on their Facebook page. You know the only reason why you’re friends with high school classmates is to laugh at how pathetic their lives are. And you need to keep your exes to make sure they didn’t replace you with a hotter model - or, on the off chance they downgraded, you want to cackle wildly at their misfortune. Better to keep these people around, actually. Never Skipping Classes: It’s so cute when you act like a determined student before meeting any of your teachers. Granted, it would be every parent’s dream come true to have their child be a wonderful student, but let’s face it: you’re one late weeknight party away from making this resolution a fail. Might as well give it up now. No More Borrowing Money from Parents: Let’s be real, your Christmas money won’t last that long and it’s guaranteed that your funds will evaporate after a couple alcohol runs, so don’t get too ahead of yourself. Besides, this is the last time in your life your parents may give into your money requests. Soon you’ll graduate, have your own job, and make
How the Mitt Sold Christmas A political twist on a Dr. Seuss classic.
page 4
your own money. Before you know it you’ll be the one with greedy little kids asking you for money. No More Reality TV: While MTV is even trying to help you by canceling Jersey Shore, this is a really difficult resolution to set for yourself. You’re thinking about all the good you could do the world by not fueling the Kardashian catastrophe, but you live off seeing what is going on with that family. Even if you’re able to make it through a couple weeks once previews for the new season of Teen Mom or Honey Boo Boo come along, you’ll inevitably be sucked back into the world of white trash programming. Farewell to Eating Out: So you got some handy dandy cookbooks for Christmas and think you want to try cooking for your friends. But wait,
what’s inside
what about when all your friends say you should all meet up at Copper Cellar on Burger Night, or what about late night Cook-Out runs when you’re intoxicated? It just isn’t safe to cook for yourself when you’re wasted. Never Butt-chug Again: As ashamed-looking groups of sunglassestotting gentlemen are still being spotted with boxes of Franzia, listing this is necessary. Honestly, we don’t understand how you can even look at the box after the previous fiasco, but we understand all the cool kids are doing it, and you just want to fit in. Don’t worry; December 31st, 2013 will be here before you know it. Soon enough, you’ll be able to fail all over again, and isn’t that what each new year is actually all about?
Top 10: Nominated Replacements for Derek Dooley
bartender of the week
The tribe has spoken, and we have picks for the hope of our future.
Riley from Cool Beans wants to be a spaceman, and he has just enough liquor to do it
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page 12
contents page 5: Mysteries of Knoxvegas
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 5
We’re just giving you the facts, as long as you don’t mind if they’re inaccurate.
page 7: From the Streets
Table of
What’s the best thing about house parties?
pages 11: We Interview: Nick Waterhouse California boy makes “old school” rhythm and blues cool again
page 14: All Nighter Library Drinking Game We make studying for your finals a whole lot more fun.
page 15: the crossword how much do you know about the year 2000?
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word of the week quipster:
A person who uses outdated phrases in an attempt to be amusingly ironic.
“What do you mean you think I sound like an idiot? Well how ‘bout you just go talk to the hand, ‘cuz this face don’t wanna hear it?”
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theblacksheeponline.com
How the Mitt Sold Christmas Alex Everard wrote this Mr. Romney sat atop Mount Mitt, with his iPhone 6 and tightly-knit polo sweater Staring down at America, those dimwits and forty-seven percenters He plotted real hard, he plotted with malice—just how to avenge those who cast the wrong ballot He could buy all their businesses, flip them, and sell ‘em for profit! He could drown the whole country with his Marvelous Money Faucet! Alas, it struck him—an idea of pure gold Mitt would steal all their toys and sell China the molds! Yes that would surely ruin this holiday season For all the middle-class kids and blue-color heathens He strapped his dog to the roof of his Porsche Down Mount Mitt he flew, screaming, “Romney SELLS Christmas, of course!” He broke into the houses with their measly two stories And stole the twerps’ toys to reap all the glory He was almost finished, just one more house to rob ‘Twas a house in Detroit, and Mitt laughed ‘til he sobbed “HA! This place; what a terrible city! Would have gone bankrupt underneath Ole Mitty!” He waltzed right in, without even having to knock And said under his breath, “LAWL, too poor to buy locks!” He took all the toys, but as he readied to dash Little Billy Bluecollar appeared, covered in trash “What are you doing, mister? Aren’t those my toys?”
Mitt relied on debate strategy to remain calm and coy “Oh no, little boy, I’m getting them fixed! Only the Chinese can mend this PlayStation disc!” Billy seemed suspicious, but Mitt said, “Blame Obama!” Then he drove his Porsche home and prepared for the drama Christmas Day he awoke early, laughing and stumbling “Oh boy, I can’t wait to watch the middle-class crumbling!” But that didn’t happen, much to Mitt’s confusion Americans seemed sad, but not disillusioned “Oh well,” they all sighed, “Looks like another recession.” “We lost all the toys, but we won’t lose the lesson.” They gathered around the tree in Rockefeller Center And began to sing songs with cheer and great splendor Just then, they say, while we ignored the worst for the best Something strange happened beneath Mitt’s money vest His heart began beating, and beating quite fast His heart beat so much it began to gain mass! It grew and it grew until it could grow no more! Then Mitt shouted, with a tear, “It’s not your fault that you’re poor!” He jumped in his Porsche and down Mount Mitt he shot Throwing toys and wads of money at every spot The kids began yelling, “It’s Ole Mitt, he’s back! I knew he’d fix our toys without any flack!” “Yes, kids, your Ole Mitt saved the day! And I fixed all these toys the American way!”
He made it rain in New York, Chicago, and Tennessee He made it rain on ‘dem kids from sea to shining sea But he made sure to stop in Detroit before he left To see Billy Bluecollar and give him the rest “Here you go, Billy, enough for a billion new games,” And Mitt handed little Billy all the money from Bain “Wow, Mister Romney, that’s millions of dollars!” “Just say thank you, Little Billy, and fix your blue collar.” And with that, he was gone, back up to Mount Mitt Where he still lives lavishly, but learned quite a bit Yes, as the story goes, as all the history books say Mitt Romney’s small heart grew six sizes that day.
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The Top 10 Nominated Replacements for Derek Dooley
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The tribe has spoken, and Dooley is out. So Tennessee needs a replacement and cannot afford to fuck up in choosing a new head coach. Rumors swirling about possible replacements are as wild and rampant and as the diseases found on Lindsay Lohan’s iPhone. Here are the most mentioned picks of the hope for our future. 10.) Bobby Petrino: Is the guaranteed risk worth the potential reward? Nope. This would be a mistake, seeing as his loyalty track record is similar to some other scumbag that we used to know. Plus he’s a grown man who prefers to go by Bobby. 9.) Lieutenant Dan: It would be pretty awesome for a hard-nosed handicapped person to be our coach. He would sure put players’ pussy “concussions” in place. Maybe some madness will turn things around when we’re down 30 points against Vandy: YOU CALL THIS A STORM?!? 8.) Bill Murray as Billy Murray in Space Jam: Not Bill Murray in anything else, because not even badass Ghost Busters Bill Murray could help us right now, and Groundhog Day Bill Murray could do nothing for us. 7.) Buddy from Air Bud: Obviously Smokey doesn’t know a damn thing about running the ball, so Buddy needs to step in. (Not to replace Smokey, though – we’re still talking about Dooley.) And Buddy is better at barking out play calls than anyone in the league. 6.) The Black Sheep Staff: Because a bunch of lazy drunk and high students belligerently screaming at the refs would get us further than taking unnecessary timeouts. Giving hell > giving up. And you know, we know stuff about football too. 5.) Chubs from Happy Gilmore: Yes, he died at the hands of a damn gator. His coaching methods run deeper than just golf and can be applied to every aspect of sports (and life). Let the football team coach itself from the memories he’s instilled in every true American. Just tap it in. Whatever that can mean in football, just do it. 4.) Coach Boone from Remember the Titans: How badass would it be to chant “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” after we’ve destroyed the other team because we’re finally able to unite against the struggles of being seen as a lesser SEC entity? 3.) The Ghost of Robert Neyland: It may be crazy, but it we need some Angels in the Outfield level miracles over here before we start burning mattresses again. Everybody start Neylanding over Ouija boards.
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2.) Pat Summitt: Hell, give her a shot. They don’t give out Presidential Awards to people who suck. This woman is the definition of a winner. The inspiration is we all need, We Back Pat for anything. 1.) Jon Gruden: It’s not just a dream, so shut the hell up about there being no amount of that money would make him walk into this sad mess and go all Any Given Sunday on the Vols. Sell a couple of those islands, Cheek, and we’ll be well on our way to reclaiming our glory days.
mary moss wrote this
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Mysteries of Knoxvegas
theblacksheeponline.com
Emily Hagenburger wrote this There’s a couple things we have questions about here at The Black Sheep. One, who’s going to be our new coach? Two, why is the Valarium closing? And three, what are they putting on the Strip in place of Krystal? We may not be able to answer some of these questions, or, really, any of them -- but we can tell you what we know, and then make ridiculous assumptions about what will happen. First off, even though he is legitimately gone now, in these last few weeks we have all learned that you cannot believe everything you read on Facebook, Twitter, or VolNation. If everything on those sites were true, Dooley would have been fired 100 different times in the last month – even though every time, the person claims that they have “legitimate knowledge” from an “inside source.” Last time we checked, that drunk guy in line at Cook-Out yelling about Dooley’s inadequacies and how he’s getting sacked is not a legitimate source. All we’re sayin’, Vol fans, is not to believe everything you hear. We only hope that the change will cause more wins so that when we drink after football games it can be celebratory, not like “I want to drink until I forget what just happened out there.” Dream big, UT. Another pressing issue to Knoxvillites is the closing of The Valarium. The Valarium, which has hosted events since 2007, has been around longer than Dooley, and will be much more missed. Mystery shrouds its closing though, as the reasons are unclear. On the website, the owner has stated that the closing of the club on Nov. 24 is “due to new rule changes from the TN Alcoholic Beverage Commission concerning the minimum percentage of food an establishment must sell in relation to its gross sales” and also being unable to “comply with the minimum number of days they require us to be open per week.” A recent Metro Pulse article clearly states that this cannot be the true cause, because the only recent change by the TN Alcoholic Beverage Commission was one that would help clubs such as the Valarium to stay open, not force it to close. Since 2010, the amount of revenue that had to come from food sales has dropped from 50% to 15%, and the number of days the venue had to stay open has changed from five to three. So what’s really going on here? Unlike the keyboard-chained monkeys over at Metro Pulse, our experts are saying it has something to do with the timely firing of Dooley. Perhaps they are locking him inside, and not letting him out until he emerges a superior football coach? Or is it going to become the world’s first ex-football coach strip club? We’re don’t know about you, dear reader, but it surely has something to do with Dooley, and fingers crossed it’s the strip club.
In the meantime, the young citizens of Knoxvegas will have to find other places to dance to heart-pounding electronica music with hundreds of other sweaty club-goers, or to see bands with names like “Napalm Death.” And when it comes down to it, we have no idea what’s going to replace the Krystal on the Strip. We can only hope it will be another, better food establishment that will allow drunken college kids to walk up to the window at 3 a.m. and order a dozen miniature burgers. Because if we can’t buy a dozen miniature burgers at 3 a.m., then this isn’t the America we grew up in. Our experts are not as sure about the closing of this establishment, but their sense are telling them it will either be a Pizza Hut/Taco Bell mashup named PIZZATACOHUTBELL, or a giant fish bowl. So keep an eye out, Vols! When you come back next semester, the Knoxville you know may be full of giant fishbowls and naked retired college football coaches! So exciting!
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’s the best thing about house parties? “Well, of course scoping out the boys!” - Laurel C.
“The crazy people and listening to the jams.” - Tara L.
“The people I get to meet throughout the night. Knoxville is full of characters!” - Lauren M.
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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SPECIAL NIGHT
WEDNESDAY: Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
FRIDAY: NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
thurs. 11/29
The Farewell Drifters Live at 10pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10pm
$2 Domestic Bottles
$1.50 Chips & Salsa $5.99 Burgers & Sandwiches $2.50 Mexican Beers $3 Jose Cuervo $4 Margaritas
SOUTHBOUND College Night! $2 Domestics & $4 Wells Until Midnight | 21 and up
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
FRIday 11/30
90.3 Presents: Same As It Ever Was, 10pm Talking Heads Cover Band!
$2.50 Blue Moon Drafts
$2 PBR Draft & $6 PBR Pitchers $3 Hannas Specialty Starters
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party 21 and up
NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
sat. 12/1
Ian Thomas, Live! Doors at 9pm Football on Big Screens All Day!
BEAT MIZZOU!
$2 PBR Draft & $6 PBR Pitchers $3 Hannas Specialty Starters
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party
NV Top 40 Dance Party 21 and up
Bumber Jakcons, Live! Doors at 8pm - All Ages Free Pool All Day
NFL Sunday Ticket! $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
Check us out on Facebook at FB.com/hannas.cumberland
Check out CarleoEntertainment.com for Upcoming Events!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Big Leg Emma, Live Doors at 8pm - All Ages Half Price Pint Night
NFL MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL $5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day
Check us out on Facebook at FB.com/hannas.cumberland
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Shake It Like a Caveman, Live! Doors at 8pm - All Ages Half Price Pint Night
Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
Check us out on Facebook at FB.com/hannas.cumberland
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
$1.50 PBR Tall Boys
50 cent wings $5.99 Burgers & Sandwiches $2 Domestic Pints, $3 Jack Daniels, $6 Pitchers
Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
WED. 12/5
tuesday monday 12/4 12/3
Thursday! $1.50 Chips & Salsa, $5.99 Burgers & Sandwiches, $2.50 Mexican Beers, $3 Jose Cuervo, $4 Margaritas
sunday 12/2
SUNDAY! NFL Sunday Ticket!
Saturday! 90.3 Presents: Same As It Ever Was, 10pm Talking Heads Cover Band!
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
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The Grid FRIDAY! FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
Thursday: Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
$6 Buzzballs, $5 Pitchers of Beer, $4 Soco & Lime $3 Wells, $2 Bud Light & Miller Lite Bottles $1 Shooter Girl Shots
WED: Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Featuring the $5 Dickel Tickle Every Day!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
Whiskey Sessions Live at 10 pm FREE! Drink Specials $2.50 Yuengling Drafts
thursday 11/29
FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
Spades Cooley, Gamenight, and Love Animals, 10pm Drink Specials!
FRIday 11/30
Karaoke! $5 Liquor Pitchers ($3 Add Another Shot) $4 32oz Drafts, $4 Fireball Shots $3 Wells, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax
Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
Visit www.thewellknoxville.com for upcoming events! Half Price Food - Drink Specials
sunday 12/2
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Comedy Con Queso - Comedy Open Mic hosted by Matt Ward 10pm, FREE
monday 12/3
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
$2 Drafts
Rob Crawford, 8pm, FREE! Drink Specials!
tuesday 12/4
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Bob Goodson and the Blues Machine 8pm, FREE! $5 Nachos, $5 Dickel Tickle Drink Specials!
WED. 12/5
Hudson K and Biz’Cirque
Come in and watch the game on Victory Taco and Cake Party, 9pm our big screens! Drink Specials!
saturday 12/1
A Party, Carol
(Apologies to Charles Dickens) By: Brendan
T
he show was dead to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The DJ spun haplessly while the security looked onto the vacant dance floor happily. Carol had been to shows like this before, and she knew this one was dead in the water. Oh! But she was a pill-addled sound hound, Carol. She would chase MDMA with ketamine, washing down her cocktail with simultaneous hits from a nitrous tank and a bong. For this Carol was well-known in the rave scene, notorious for her love of intoxicants. Bros and hoes alike would recoil at the ghastly visage of dilated pupils and an ear-to-ear grin. But what did Carol care! It was the very thing she liked. To thrust herself into a crowded pit, with all human reckoning at a distance. She had a dozen hits of acid in her back pocket, a hitter rod, a gram of pure molly, a few bumps of coke and all the beer she could convince these loser boys to buy her. Just then Rob Crotchitch—a freshman whom Carol regularly saw at these events—scampered up. “You holding?” He asked, hopefully. “I suppose you’re not.” Carol uttered out of the side of her mouth. “If you have a hit—anything, I’ll take it.” “I don’t.” Crotchitch looked despondent, “Well, if anything does turn up, don’t forget about ole’ Robbie.” “Right,” Carol said as Rob scampered back into the fog-heavy darkness. When Carol was certain Rob could no longer see her she dashed to the restroom, set on getting her fix. Locking the stall door behind her, Carol fished in her pockets for her stash. “Get my drugs, will you, Rob?” she muttered under angry breath, “Not on my watch.” With that she swallowed everything in her possession, certain to enjoy her night alone. As she exited the bathroom Carol was shocked to see Rob Crotchitch. “What were you doing in there, Carol?” It was more accusation than question. “None of your business, Rob.” The interrogation continued, “Well then, what’s that white stuff under your nose?” Carol knew she was had. Choosing to drop any pretence of innocence, she came clean. “Yeah, so what? They’re mine. My drugs, my body.” “I’ve—I’ve,” he stammered, jaw on the floor, “I want to take psychoactives and go on adventures in my mind. I want to dance with pink elephants and talk to toad princes, and you, Carol, you’ve taken that away! A bad trip, that’s what I hope you have!” Rob danced back into the darkness. Carol stood for a moment in silence before letting out a cackle, certain to stare at a wall while contemplating the universe’s deepest secrets.
S
ome hours had passed by, loud music crawling over Carol’s body as she danced, blissfully unaware of
her surroundings. Then, in a moment her vision began to tunnel to a pinpoint. “Stay calm,” Carol thought to herself, “Keep breathing, you’ve been through this before.” Sure enough, the darkness retreated from her vision. Standing before her now was a small girl. Carol was concerned, muttering, “Little girl, what are you doing here?” “What are you doing here?” said the girl. Carol was growing suspicious. “I’m allowed to be here, you, on the other hand, it must be past your bedtime. Let’s go find a sec—“ “No Carol,” the little girl said, “what are you doing here? I’d guess a fair amount of MDMA, definitely some cocaine, and…acid?” Astonished, Carol replied, “How…what?” “Carol, I’m not a child. I’m the Ghost of Parties Past. I’d like to show you something.” Before she knew it, Carol’s vision was again narrowing, pulling back to reveal a sunny day in the back yard of her parents’ house. “Is this - ?” “Yes Carol, it is,” the ghost assured her. “And this isn’t just any old day. It’s July 30th, 1999.” “My seventh birthday?”
or something?” Carol snapped her head back at the Ghost of Parties Present saying, “That’s me!” before hearing it echo behind her moments later. “It most certainly is, but look again.” Carol did, and her shock slowly turned to embarrassment. She was staring blankly into the distance, muttering nonsense to an illusion no one else could see. Behind her were boys and girls pointing, sniggering, mocking a girl destined for YouTube shame.
“Like I said, two hours. I’m not going to let this wedding go to shit because you can’t get your head out of your own ass.” Carol’s mind started racing. She’d like to have gotten married a little earlier in life, but she couldn’t object to this. “Yes, the name’s Robert Crotchitch.” Her heart sank. She spun around to confront the Ghost of Parties Future.
The Ghost of Parties Present whispered, “This is what you defend?”
“Just what in the hell is this? There’s no way I’m marrying fuckin’ Rob Crotchitch.”
“I don’t have to answer to anyone, get me out of—“ Just then her vision began to go dim before snapping back. She turned her head intending to confront those standing behind her laughing. Instead, there stood a withered old woman taking a drag off of a cigarette.
“I know you’re not, just watch.” Soon enough out strolled a young 20-something woman. Beautiful, tall, lithe, she walked up to Robert and kissed him softly. Rob looked mildly distressed.
Just then a small girl ran outside, flitting left and right giggling, smiling, with cake frosting covering her face.
“A
“Baby, I’m not supposed to see you until the ceremony.”
“Mom, look! Butterflies!” The young girl squealed.
“I’d have thought you’d have this figured out by now,” the woman ashed her cigarette on the floor.
“I know,” the model said, “but I just wanted to say again…”
“Well, can you just do the vision thing so we can get this over with?”
“I know.”
The ghost looked sadly at Carol. “Yes, your seventh birthday. Look at how carefree you are. Hopped up on nothing more than sugar and irrational love of butterflies, you’re enjoying life. No drugs, no beer, no vague nihilistic sense that everything is for naught.”
nd who the hell are you?”
“Certainly.”
Tears were welling up in Carol’s eyes but she fought them back, defending herself. “Yeah, but things are different now. Life’s different—it’s harder, I have class and work and things are just…different now.”
Moments later Carol found herself at the doorstep of a large mansion. Perfectly-manicured shrubs nestled up against an ark of a house. She turned around to see a driveway lined with unpronounceable Italian cars.
“Yes Carol, they are,” the Ghost of Parties Past said as Carol’s vision again began to tunnel.
“This doesn’t seem so bad.”
A
The Ghost of Parties Future agreed, “You’re right, let’s head inside.”
s Carol regained her vision there was a boy of her age dressed in a white collared shirt and black dress slacks standing in front of her. “And you are?” she asked flatly. She was getting the hang of this. “I’m the Ghost of Parties Present.” “I supposed you’re taking me to see some more butterflies or something, right?” Carol was getting annoyed. “Show me that everything’s still wonderful if you’re willing to just…I don’t know, be a moron who lets out her inner child, or something?” The Ghost of Parties Present remained calmly distant, “No Carol, I’d just like you to turn around.” She did, just in time to see an oddly familiar face saying, “…know, be a moron who lets out her inner child,
Carol and the apparition winded through endless hallways for what seemed like hours, never running into another soul. Finally, Carol heard some conversation in the distance.
Carol looked at the ghost, “What is the meaning of all this?” The Ghost of Parties Future lit up another menthol, sucking in a lungful of smoke. “Earlier tonight you denied Rob Crotchitch anything. Hurt, he left. Walking home he had an idea—a way to improve distribution models for pharmaceutical companies the world over. He threw himself into the idea. By the time he was 25 he was already worth hundreds of millions of dollars. He sold, retired early, and lives his dreams, all because you chose not to give him a hit of acid.” “But—“
“What? No. I said I needed you to make sure the roses were delivered this morning.”
“There’s no buts about it, Carol. While you burn out, he burns bright. You helped him get to where he is, no doubt, but he doesn’t owe you a damn thing.”
Carol smiled, she loved roses.
Carol was beginning to panic, “And what about me?”
“Listen, they need to be here in two hours or I’m simply not paying for them.”
“Not a damn thing…” the words rung in Carol’s ears as her vision again narrowed. When she came to she was lying in her bed. It was morning.
And he’s assertive. Carol looked at the ghost and smiled. The ghost looked grim. “Let’s keep walking,” she said. Soon they turned a corner. A man in his late forties continued to argue over the phone.
“I’m never doing drugs again,” she thought to herself. Moments later she sucked a hit of weed from a bowl, intent on napping away last night’s nightmare. “Well, no more drugs, starting tomorrow.”
the interview
nick waterhouse
Nick Waterhouse, a self-described California rhythm and blues man, knows his roots, and he funks the fuck out of them. On tour in Europe, he happily answered some of our questions about his breed of music. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When it comes to songwriting, how do you approach it? Nick Waterhouse: I’ve found that some songs begin as larger, vague conceptions, like a fog, where I have this blob of rhythm and sounds, as well as concept or theme. Then I have to squint harder through the fog to figure it out. It’s almost like attempting to “remember” the parts, like I’m remembering something I never knew. It’s very close to the feeling of waking and trying to recall specifics of a dream. Once I’ve sorted that out, I find it’s often the rhythms that come about. I’ll have a rhythm or drum part with notes that often follow those in my mind. It’s the same with fragments of words. Some songs have lines that are years old that I’ve scratched somewhere that take on a different dimension. The material on Time’s All Gone, much of it was being prepared for live performance while I was developing it, so I would approach my musicians and say, “Drums, repeat this bit.” Then I’m having the bass do a figure that makes sense, or giving people chords to fall under. It’s really adding layers and layers after that, and following the changes I had mapped out before involving other people. TBS: When you’re recording a song does it have to be perfect before you’re happy with it, or do little flaws add a certain amount of honesty to the music? NW: Strangers tell me I make really over-perfect music, and strangers tell me I make really flawed music. What I will say is that I refuse to do anything until I feel it’s right, and only I know what that is. I really believe in an organic approach to performance and recording, but having high standards. TBS: You obviously have a lot of R&B/soul influences, how did you get interested in that kind of music? NW: People talk about how language works in the brain, and what your “native” inner voice is thinking in. I always heard things like Van Morrison, BB King, John Lee Hooker, Aretha Franklin, soul or R&B, whatever you’d like to call it, growing up. I also heard a lot of those sounds reflected in things that were rock and roll, whether it was Elvis Costello, Tom Petty, Kinks, Stones, whatever. You know, when you are 15 and you are fantasizing about performing “Daddy Rolling Stone” in a sweaty club, and not about winning a baseball game, or shredding guitar, or driving off in a new Mercedes with a babe, it’s the sort of a personal truth that might tell you where your heart is. TBS: Do you ever worry that your music may be -- for lack of a better term -- too old school for modern listeners? NW: I only worry about it when people want to talk to me about it. I really didn’t care when I made all the music you hear on the record. I really, really didn’t care because I am a modern person and I was making something that made absolute sense to me in the present -- which really had nothing to do with eras, and had a lot more to do with combination of personality, artistry, and craftsmanship. TBS: The “Some Place” video looked like it was a riot to make; any good stories come out of it? NW: The best part of that video was the fact that we ran out of fake champagne bottles in the rental limo scene, and had to do take after take of me with the real deal. By the end of that shoot it was definitely beyond method. TBS: For something like that video, is it actually fun to do, or is it work making it look like that much fun? NW: It is work unless you’re getting drunk. But then you’re drunk on champagne, not my favorite feeling, and having to continue shooting as your buzz wears off and the headache sets in. TBS: Your brand of music translates really well to a live show, but what’s your approach to live music? NW: Every song is a case-by-case basis, and should be performed as such. To me, one disconnect I have noticed is that I cut much of my album very live, so people are thrown by how much I manage to get the same sound in a live setting, almost as if they’ve been conditioned to expect less. The thing is, all the recordings were sung and played 110%, so if you get that live feeling, you shouldn’t feel cheated. TBS: What do you think is the best thing to happen to music in the last 10 years? NW: The internet. TBS: The worst? NW: What everyone did with the internet. The continued perpetuation of the same methods under the guise of liberation. Pitchfork is essentially the Castro regime of music culture -- they represent the largest potential promise of a new kind of society that became a dictatorship as bad as or worse than the one it replaced. TBS: What band did you like as a child that that today you’re like, “Really, Nick? Them?” NW: Reggie and the Full Effect. Adolescence was very confusing. TBS: If you could have a mythological creature as a pet, what would you choose and why? NW: Easy. Mermaid. It would be like I had Bimbo’s 365 club floor in my living room. Slightly erotic, not much cleanup. I’m really an ocean person at heart.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Killing Them Softly In Theaters November 30th Based off the 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, this gangster crime film stars impossibly sexy Brad Pitt as a professional enforcer who investigates a heist that occurs during a high-stakes, mob-protected poker game. Assumedly lots of crime and shady business happens in-between the all star cast, featuring actors continuing to get rich off of Italian stereotypes, James Gandolfini and Ray Liotta. Award season, here they come!
Catfish: The TV Show Monday, December 3rd at 11pm on MTV Nev Shulman’s TV show brain-child (inspired by his own online relationship gone awry) showcases yet another couple who’ve developed a supposedly very real online relationship and are mad in love. In this episode, two young people are fittin’ to meet IRL after two years of hot and heaving texting. Will it be a catfish, or will it be true love?
Ke$ha - Warrior Out December 4th The glittery passed-out Princess of Pop seems to be turning a new leaf on her second studio album, Warrior. Coming off of a spiritual journey where she “just needed to play with animals,” Ke$ha came back to record a magical album that finally shows her relatively decent pipes. Listen to her lead single “Die Young,” and check out her Bob Dylan cover of “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” to hear those impressive vocals.
page 12
theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week riley t. cool beans Relationship Status: Taken
Best tailgate beer: Bud Light
Best drunk munchie food: A large piece of meat and potatoes.
Best part of bartending: Meeting people
Favorite show: Sons of Anarchy
Dreamjob: A spaceman
Best hangover cure: A dry bourbon on the rocks.
Pet peeve: Girls who chew with their mouth open… gross.
Superhero: Captain America
Worst night to bartend: Christmas Eve
Favorite video game: Assassin’s Creed
Favorite sport: Hockey
Favorite book: Angels & Demons
Best liquor to shoot: Jack Daniel’s
Favorite drinking game: Beer pong
Signature drink: Wild Wild West: 2 parts Jack, 1 part Coke and a hint of grenadine
the drinking game
The Name Game Sure, you may know a guy named Jeff or Dan or Bill, but who cares? They’re not famous. This game is a veritable who’s who of fame and fortune. So, yeah, you should know some celebs stepping into this. Or Jack Daniels. He’s nice too. Number of Players: As many Jane and John Does as you can fit at the table. What You Need: Beer, access to a celebrity gossip website. Intoxication Level: Robert Downey Jr., Danny DeVito drunk. How to Play: - The game begins with one player saying the name of a famous person. - The player to go next must say the name of a different famous person whose name begins with the first letter of the last name of the famous person just said. - While a person is thinking of a name they must be drinking, but if they are unable to think of a name they must finish the drink. To save yourself from this, bluff names can be made up, and if no one notices then the game continues. - Aliases may not be used. For example, “Ghostface Killah” would not be an acceptable answer, but “Dennis Coles” would. - Play goes on until beer runs out. - Below are additional rules added to spice up the game: - If a name is said that has the same letter for the first and last names then the direction of the game changes. - If someone says a single word name such as Usher or Raewkon then the next person is skipped. - If someone says a triple name, such as Sarah Jessica Parker, then everyone must drink. The Game Ends When: You start naming cast members from Weekend at Bernie’s II. (Terry Kiser!)
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Recipe for Disaster
Ooey Gooey Chocolate chief Brownies There’s nothing better than the good old-fashioned brownies that grandma used to make. Well, unless you mix some pot in it, too! Don’t let your conscience or DEA relative stop you from deliciousness. Waking and baking has never been so easy or tasty. What You’ll Need: 1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, 2 cups of pot butter, 2 cups white sugar, 3 eggs, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, and 1 cup all-purpose flour. Cook Time: 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Eating these might cause you to eat more brownies, you fatty fat. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat oven to 350 degrees. - Microwave chocolate and pot butter in large bowl on high for 2 minutes or until butter is melted. - Stir until chocolate is melted. - Stir in sugar, eggs, vanilla, and flour. - Spread in greased 9 x 13 inch pan. - Bake for 35 minutes. You should bring these to your family’s Christmas dinner. Wouldn’t you love to see grandma ripped out of her mind? Sure, your mom would be upset, but seriously, can’t we, like, all just chill and get along?
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the classtime
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six degrees of separation
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Think you know how Lindsay Lohan and Kevin Bacon are connected? Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
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All nighter l i brary Drinking game You’ll be stuck in the library for the better part of this week. And if you’re not stuck in the library, you’ll be thinking about how you should be in the library studying instead of “taking a break before the next exam” by taking shots of absinthe up the keister. Never fear, with The Black Sheep’s Library Drinking Game, you can pull an all-nighter in the library while taking a booze break at the same time! No more guilt for you, it’s all good grades from here on out!
8 p.m. – 11 p.m.
3 a.m. – 5 a.m.
Take a drink for every fleeting feeling of confidence you have. Take a drink every time you think “I’ve got plenty of time!” Take drink when you think about regulating your caffeine intake. Take two drinks for every video you catch yourself watching instead of studying. Take two drinks every time you catch yourself deep in the random acquaintance area of Facebook. Take five drinks when you realize you’ve been here three hours and haven’t even opened your book.
Take a drink after “one chapter down, nine to go!” Take a drink when you realize you’re the only person in the library. Take a drink when it’s time to get another coffee. Take a drink when you have to “Just get up and walk around a little bit.” Take two drinks when you forlornly look out the window for twenty minutes. Take three drinks while having acidic, molten coffee craps. Finish your drink when you start heading home, then turn around and GET BACK IN THE GOD DAMN LIBRARY.
11 p.m. – 1 a.m.
5 a.m. – 8 a.m.
Take a drink when you finally open your book. Take a drink every time someone comes and goes from your table. Take two drinks if you decide you’ll concentrate better in one of those cube things. Take two drinks every time library security walks by. Take two drinks when you spend 10 minutes organizing iTunes. Finish your drink if you start spending more time asking around for Adderall than actually studying.
Take a drink when you decide it’s nap time, again. Take a drink when you hit snooze, then flip everyone off for glaring at you because your phone just blew up. Take two drinks when you write a “Genius sentence, the real kicker to this paper, the one that solidifies an A” but it’s the only sentence you’ve written so far. Take two drinks when a librarian tells you not to lean back in your chair. Finish your drink when you think “I studied drunk so that means I have to take the test drunk. Because science.”
1 a.m. – 3 a.m.
8 a.m. – test time
Take a drink when you think “Being drunk in the library is actually pretty fun!” Take a drink when you wake up with the pages of your book stuck you your face. Take a drink for every other person sleeping in the library. Take two drinks to wash down the third bag of Hot Cheetos you just bought from the vending machine. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you “accidentally” start looking at porn. Finish your drink when you start crafting a sob-story excuseemail to your professor.
Take a drink when you think “fuck school, man, life is for livin’”. Take a drink when the sun comes up. Take two drinks when an overwhelming, albeit false sense of accomplishment washes over you. Take two drinks when you realize there have been other students soberly plugging away for three straight days. Take three drinks when you see someone else from your class. (Four if they’re drunk too.) Take five drinks when you start walking to the wrong final. Finish your drink when your professor grants you permission to miss the final. Really finish your drink when you realize you now have to kill your grandma.
the crossword
in the year 2000
Across 3) One of the official Olympic mascots was a native bird. 7) He lost to George W. 8) 2000 marked the start of a new this. 9) Sean Parker’s website that got sued by Metallica. 12) The fastest selling rap album of all time happened this year, by this white boy. 14) John Mellencamp received a Doctorate of Music from this university. 19) N*SYNC set a first-week sales record with this album. 20) This show gave us a glimpse into some ballin’ pads.
10) These Olympics were down under. 11) This country got second at the Olympics. 13) This pop princess won Best New Artist. 15) The Academy Award for Best Picture. 16) The Razz for Worst Film, starring Will, Will Smith. 17) Had the sketch “In The Year 2000.” 18) This artist changed his name back from his former unpronounceable symbol.
Down 1) This team won their third straight World Series championship. 2) This city won the Super Bowl. 4) This lady-focused TV channel launched in February. 5) Cory’s universe ended this year. 6) This artist won a record 8 Grammy’s in one night, tying Michael Jackson’s 1984 record.
Answers
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Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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RESERVE NOW! Big, Bold and Festive Beer Dinner December 3rd, 2012, 7:00 PM $55 per person
RESERVE NOW! A 6-Course Dinner to Celebrate the Season!
Big, Bold and Festive Beer Dinner December 3rd, 2012, 7:00 PM $50 per person First Course: SweetWater Festive Ale Barbecue and molasses spiced shrimp, rosemary and sweet potato biscuit, plum and onion jam
Second Course: Terrapin Moo Hoo Cocoa dusted squab, fennel and orange marmalade, blue cheese polenta, red eye gravy Third Course: SweetWater Porter Curried crab salad tostada with mango chutney and black sesame seed vinaigrette
A 6-Course Dinner featuring to Celebrate the Season!
Fourth Course: Terrapin Wake And Bake Cask Smoked duck, sherry-achiote glaze, sweet onion pudding, succotash Fifth Course: New Belgium Lips Of Faith Biere De Garde Seared beef tenderloin, red mole, tortilla salad, ancho chile and honey vinaigrette, jalapeño jack whipped potatoes Sixth Course: Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout Chocolate tres leches with apple buñuelos
Call for reservations, (865) 637-4663 http://www.sunspotrestaurant.com/
First Course: SweetWater Festive Ale Barbecue and molasses spiced shrimp, rosemary and sweet potato biscuit, plum and onion jam Second Course: Yazoo Sly Rye Porter Cider glazed squab, tomato dill aioli, sweet onion pudding, succotash Third Course: SweetWater Porter Curried crab salad tostada with mango chutney and black sesame seed vinaigrette Fourth Course: Yazoo Sue Cask-Conditioned with Olive & Sinclair Chocolate Smoked duck, fennel and orange marmalade, blue cheese polenta, red eye gravy
RESERVE
NOW!
Big, Bold and Festive Beer Dinner December 3rd, 2012, 7:00 PM $55 per person
Fifth Course: New Belgium Brewery Lips of Faith Vivant Biere De Garde Seared beef tenderloin, red mole, tortilla salad, A 6-Course Dinner to and Celebrate ancho chile honey vinaigrette,the jalapeñoSeason! jack whipped potatoes Sixth Course: Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout Chocolate tres leches with apple buñuelos
First Course: SweetWater Festive Ale Barbecue and molasses spiced shrimp, rosemary and sweet potato biscuit, plum and onion jam Second Course: Terrapin Moo Hoo Cocoa dusted squab, fennel and orange marmalade, blue cheese polenta, red eye gravy Third Course: SweetWater Porter Curried crab salad tostada with mango chutney and black sesame seed vinaigrette Fourth Course: Terrapin Wake And Bake Cask Smoked duck, sherry-achiote glaze, sweet onion pudding, succotash Fifth Course: New Belgium Lips Of Faith Biere De Garde Seared beef tenderloin, red mole, tortilla salad, ancho chile and honey vinaigrette, jalapeño jack whipped potatoes
Call for reservations, (865) 637-4663 http://www.sunspotrestaurant.com Sixth Course: Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout Chocolate tres leches with apple buñuelos
Call for reservations, (865) 637-4663 http://www.sunspotrestaurant.com/