Vol. 4, Issue 11
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E TEN ... LIK NES E JU SEE MPI BAN NG O DW N T AG O H E N.
3/27/14 - 4/2/14
JIMMY CHEEK WINS ONE BILLION DOLLARS,
PLANS TO USE MONEY TO FURTHER RUIN UNIVERSITY SCOTT HANNAH WROTE THIS
The nearly impossible has happened. And it is the worst. Earlier this year, billionaire Warren Buffett, along with Quicken Loans founder Dan Gilbert, offered a one billion dollar prize to anyone who could pick a perfect bracket for the men’s NCAA Basketball Tournament. And wouldn’t you know it, our very own Jimmy Cheek is the sole winner. Jimmy Cheek, the man who once found the contents of his nose more engaging than a game he was sitting courtside at, beat the 1-to-9.2 quintillion odds. However, Cheek made it clear at a press conference that he has no intention of retiring. “I just wanted to put the student body’s mind at ease and assure them that I will continue on as chancellor of the university,” he said. “I appreciate all the ‘happy retirement’ cards I have received from the students — though the ones with pictures of butts I didn’t appreciate,” he continued, perhaps misunderstanding the students’ sentiment, “but I’m sure they’ll be even happier to know that I plan on being here for many more years to come.” His plans for his new fortune are farreaching, but one thing he mentioned was a “campus beautification” project. “I want this campus to be the best looking campus in the country for our students, which is why, starting in the fall semester, we will begin renovations on every
single building on campus. Every. Single. Building. I know it may cause a few traffic slowdowns and students may have to walk around the construction on their way to class, but in ten to fifteen years, they’ll certainly appreciate how it looks when they come back and visit as alumni.” Campus security is another main issue that Cheek plans to spend money on. “I have the utmost care about the safety of the students on my campus, which is why I am requiring all students to have monitoring chips in their blood which will set off an alarm if they are on campus with a blood alcohol level above .000001%, even students over the age of 21. Alcohol on campus is the single biggest deterrent of higher learning.” Members of the press then asked Cheek if alcohol policies at Harvard, Yale, and Stanford — all wet campuses — were hindrances or not. Cheek was not familiar with these schools and attributed that fact to them being, “…small, backwoods, party schools that produced no real contributing members to our society.” And finally, Cheek addressed the topic on everyone’s mind: student fees. With all the money Cheek was pumping into the university through various ventures, would a lower tuition be possibile? According to Cheek, not likely: “College is one of the most fun times of a young person’s life. Going to class, writing papers, learning the value of being repsonsible, acquiring credit through student loans — I wouldn’t
want to deprive students of those valuable experiences by paying for them. And when they graduate and go out into the world ready for the numerous job opportunities that will be presented to them, I want them to feel like they earned that degree. With hard work and even harder cash, they’ll earn that UTK degree that will
take them anywhere they want to go.” In passing, Cheek also addressed his salary. In order to enact all of these upgrades to the school, he urged that he must remain on payroll, and therefore must accept the 12% raise he is scheduled to make next school year. “It’s a small price
for the university to pay for the big things it’s about to accomplish.” Moments after Cheek left the press conference, he was seen asking for a “chancellor’s discount” on a $1.59 soda, which he was purchasing from a student worker at the UC convenience store.
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PAGES 10-11
A CHICK’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL BASICS
INVESTIGATION: THE COLLEGE SCENE UP NORTH
TACO BELL MENU FLOPS: PAST AND PRESENT
IT’S MORE THAN JUST DRINKING BEER AND WATCHING HOT GUYS?
WE TAKE A LOOK AT OUR NORTHERN FRIENDS TO SEE HOW THEY DO IT.
HEY, ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY, AND NEITHER WAS TACO BELL’S PERFECTION.
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A CHICK’S GUIDE TO BASEBALL BASICS TBS STAFF WROTE THIS
Knoxville, it’s almost time to get out your baseball caps and wieners! Ladies, if your boyfriend is an American (which, just duh) he’s just as pumped for opening day as the night you let him eat Cheetos during sex. But if you’re like most women, you don’t know shit about baseball other than it includes smoking-hot dudes in tight pants and home plate, which for once, isn’t your vag. But The Black Sheep has got your back ladies, and we’ll help you to prepare for the tons of ‘girlfriend/ boyfriend time’ called baseball. And we’ll learn you a little something about America’s favorite pastime. Clear Your Schedule: First off, baseball is going to consume a lot more time than you’d expect. You’re going to hear random numbers, many numbers. Those numbers are called statistics and they’re not important to you. Forget about them. Those numbers have no impact on your life. We don’t want you worrying your pretty little head over a player’s RBI. Enjoy the Eye Candy: Listen up, the professional players your boyfriend will continuously talk about will, in fact, be waaaaay hotter than your actual boyfriend. Your boyfriend will never be as hot as the physical player who plays in games, catches balls, looks tan. We can promise you that. If anything’s going to get you through baseball season, it’s thinking about all the hot professional players. Imagine them while your boyfriend porks you. By now, hopefully you’ve realized the true purpose of professional baseball: To give you something to hope for while you screw. If you had any sense at all, you’d demand that your boyfriend bring you to his baseball game man-dates.
Ball Parks Etiquette: You broke down your guy friends and now you’re at the game, so now what? Really, NOW WHAT? If you’re a real Lady Vol, you’ll sneak a pint of vodka into the cargo pocket of your friend’s shorts, because that’s what cargo pocets are made for. Once you and the guys are sick of the park, just crack open that pint and get ready to be drunk for the next three hours. Yeah dudettes, news flash: BASEBALL HAS NO PREDICTBLE TIME FRAME. If you’re a heavy drinker then jump on that Blue Label, or Popov 100 proof, because it’s going to be a long-ass day. Don’t Try to Learn the Game: We recommend not asking questions, just talk about how attractive the players are. Also, it’s a great idea to bombard your guy friends with selfies. Just take as many selfies as possible. They’ll love it. Make sure to snap one while you’re shoving a massive hot dog in your mouth, too. It’s cute, and really, it represents how chicks understand America’s pastime. Don’t Speak Baseballese: We can’t stress this enough: Don’t write checks you can’t cash, chicks. If you don’t know the stats, then just don’t say any number you read on the bathroom wall. If you don’t know any players, don’t say the names of baseball icons who played years ago. You’re going look stupid spouting, “Mark McGuire, Jackie Robinson, Barry Bonds,” and if you happen to mention Sammy Sosa, then F-you. Just, F-you. They don’t play anymore! Also this isn’t a good time to bring up plot themes of Moneyball, or how you admire the game because of The Jackie Robinson Story. Ultimately, just do what you did during football season, stay quiet and root for the appropriate team. Or, for the surefire thing, cheer when you see everyone else cheering. Trust us, you’ll be okay. Booze always helps. But shit, when doesn’t it?
AROUND CAMPUS
THE
TOP
TEN
THINGS TO PUT ON YOUR RESUME THAT AREN’T TOTALLY TRUE AUSTIN McLAURINE WROTE THIS
The Black Sheep fully believes in the saying “fake it ‘til you make it.” In fact, most of us here might have added a few things on our own resumes to get this job (I’ve only written seven novels, not nine, sorry guys). As evidenced by the movie Catch Me If You Can, lying your way through the workforce will eventually land you a job with FBI. So, here are some ideas to fluff up your resume. 10.) The George Costanza: Fabricating a whole company all in the name of self-advancement should lead you in your quest to success. You were the Director of Exports for Vandelay Industries — if you believe it, they will. Just do better than he did, because it never really worked out for him.
INVESTIGATION:
THE COLLEGE SCENE UP NORTH MEAGAN DAWSON WROTE THIS
As UT students we expect nothing less than the cliché college experience. We want our glory days to be as glorious as a drunk, American flag-wearing frat daddy chanting “It’s great to be a Tennessee Vol” on the T just before his second puke-and-rally. Fortunately for us, good ole’ Rocky Top delivers just that, with an added orange flare. However, is the Vol college experience actually typical? Are the students at other schools having all their rowdy, Animal Housestyle needs met? There’s only one way to find out: road trip! While you lucky Tennessee kids were spring breaking your hearts out, The Black Sheep staff was hard at work expanding our horizons. We had to get our hands a little dirty and break out our frequent flyer miles, but it was worth it to see how the other half lives… The Northern half. As it turns out they do things a little differently in Yankee territory. For starters, the girls up there only wear norts and t-shirts to the gym. From what we observed, class uniform typically consisted of jeans, skirts, and dresses. Honestly, the female population of the North looked damn good, but where’s the comfort? We Southerners know how to class it up and be comfy at the same time. Point: Tennessee. The Yankees may have (arguably) won that battle, but they haven’t won the war yet. Let’s talk campus dining. Their selection was not bad: salads, sushi, pizza. However, they are seriously lacking in comfort food. Where’s the fried chicken? Where’s the mac n’ cheese? Apparently northerners don’t enjoy being happy. If they did they would have
06
Cook Out, the source of all things good in this world. Not to mention that would give them somewhere open past bedtime (you know, for when you’re “studying”…) to get their munchies fix. It may be fattening, but what’s college without the freshman fifteen? Point: Tennessee. Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the party scene. To fully understand the party scene up north we really have to describe the shocking shortcomings of these poor, non-SEC chumps. First of all, apparently pregaming the pregame is a no-go. Pregaming in general is a no-go, they show up to “ragers” (more like small get-togethers) stone cold sober. We don’t even know the meaning of “sober” in the #1 heaviest drinking city for men (#4 for the ladies). Second, funneling is a foreign concept to these Sam Adams-drinking freaks. Good thing we Vols came prepared with a spare beer bong. Don’t even talk about the bar scene. The bars were cool in a laid back, “I have to be up early kind of way” — but is it really a Friday night if you didn’t dance on a stripper pole to “Gas Pedal”? Y’all mothafuckas need Rumorz in your lives. Point: Tennessee. After gathering the data, our analysis suggests that UT is by far the best place to be if you’re looking for the real college experience. These “Ivy League” schools may look the part, but it’s all smoke and mirrors. Tennessee is the only place that allows you to watch Animal House, Accepted, or any other cliché college flick and say, “I’ve done that.” Where you can toast to the good ole’ US of A in a toga any day of the week, make fried chicken one of your primary food groups, and avoid dressing to impress because fuck real pants. It really is great to be a Tennessee Vol.
9.) Take Up a Hobby: People say the best time to pick up a hobby is right now, but you’re too busy to do shit for free. Pick a fancy hobby you can chat about during interviews but would never actually do: like sailing, Civil War re-enactments, or taxidermy for large animals. 8.) Inflation: That glamorous job you had at McDonald’s won’t do a whole lot on its own, but with a few buzz words you can make it seem like you owned the place. Be reasonable though — we once claimed to own Subway, and that didn’t do a whole lot of good. 7.) Proficiency with a Program: Does the job you want require some kind of skill with things like Microsoft Office? Do you know how to use Google? Then you’re good! No one “knows” anything anymore, so don’t sweat it when you’ve got Google on hand. Photoshop, video editing, ankle surgery? No problem! 6.) References: Does the company you’re applying for require references? Not a problem, just create a few characters and have your friends talk about you on the phone. Landing a nice job will make involving your friends in a felony all worth it. 5.) Charity: You may have only gone to Mexico on a cruise, but why not use that experience for your own gain? Claim it was a mission trip — you certainly converted at least one Catholic to good ol’ Protestantism after that 5th tequila shot. 4.) Ethnicity: We all know that companies are required a certain amount of diversity. Claiming on your resume that you’re a minority could give you the upper hand you need — they don’t have to know it’s just the 1/12th Cherokee on your mother’s side. 3.) Foreign-Language Knowledge: This could be what puts you over the top compared to the other shmucks. All you have to do is choose a language that the interviewers could never possibly know, like ancient Egyptian. Then you can be all, “that’s right, I know hieroglyphics and shit,” and just draw a few boats and cats. They’ll never know, but will want you on the trading floor ASAP! 2.) Create a Legend: Remember that time you met the president and he gave you priceless advice to put you on the straight and narrow to hard work and success? Well, maybe it was that drunk homeless guy yelling at his Cook Out fries, but your interviewer doesn’t have to know that. 1.) Pull a Leo: Finally, you can always just resort to what Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Catch Me if You Can did and lie about literally everything. Lying can take you anywhere! …Except to the Oscars winning circle, perhaps.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT CHEESY PICKUP LINE WORKS BEST WHEN TRYING TO PICK UP A MILF OR DILF? Bethany
“You can call me the babysitter.”
Stephen
“Now that you’ve had the bull, why not try the young calf?”
Peter
“I’m broke and desperate.”
07
The Black Sheep is Hiring Writers quickly and easily apply today: theblacksheeponline.com/jobs
JACKSON AVE. MARKET
THE BAR GRID BLACKSTOCK THURSDAY! Stanton Warriors, 9pm
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
During All March Madness Games: $2 Miller Light Drafts, $0.50 Wings
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
Thursday 3/27
Stanton Warriors, 9pm
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$4.50 Vodka Bombs $2 Bottles $7 Double Vodka Red Bull
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Friday 3/28
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm! Devan Kukuly and Gypsy Fuego, Performing Live Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
GO VOLS! $6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers All Night $5 Double LIT
GO VOLS! Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
Saturday 3/29
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Mark Boling, Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite & Coors Original Pitchers All Night $2.50 Jim Beam Drinks
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
SPECIAL NIGHT
Sunday 3/30
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts & $2.50 Wells, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers All Day
Monday 3/31
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers from 9pm-closing
Tuesday 4/1
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Wednesday 4/2
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Live Music! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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Fort Sanders Yacht Club
THE BAR GRID Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
Saturday and Sunday: Brunch 10am - 4pm Over 30 Menu Items, Create Your Own Brunch!
Everyday: $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
FRIDAY! Grace and Tony, Troy Suggs and the Delinquency, An Atlas to Follow, 9pm, $5
Ladies Night! 1/2 off everything for women! Beer and appetizers 4pm-close Liquor and wine 4pm-10pm 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville DJ and Dancing starting at 9!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Killians Red & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Sweet Water IPA & More!)
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Lager/Lite/Bockbeer, Mich Amber & More!) $3 Imports (Fat Tire, Shiner White Wing, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
Brunch 10am - 4pm, $3 Mimomas 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm. Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-of-the-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, New Belgium 1554/Spring Blond & More!)
Best Brunch in Downtown Knoxville! 10am - 4pm Home of the $3 Mimosa
Open 12 - 6 $5 Hookah! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Try our new spring menu!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!), $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Stella, Sweet Water IPA & More!) $5 Hookah Sessions!
1/2 off large pizza from 4-close - Dine in only Scarecrow Winter Games! Play our games and have a chance to win a grand prize trip to Las Vegas!
1/2 off bottles of wine 4pm - 10pm Excluding house bottles
SAT: Disco Night!
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
SPECIAL NIGHT
Melungeons, Megan Jean and the KFB, Pete Stein 8pm, $5
Bring Your Own Vinyl and Record Swap Night + Weekly Raffle for $25 Gift Certificate to Wild Honey Records $1 OFF ALL IMPORTS!!
Thursday 3/27
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
Grace and Tony, Troy Suggs and the Delinquency, An Atlas to Follow, 9pm, $5
Live Music Nights! (please PM for booking)
Friday 3/28
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
Cocktail Napkin Chronicles, Stereo Radio, Garrett Ivey and TBA 9pm, $5
Disco Night!
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Saturday 3/29
Come Party at The Well!
Open at 8pm! Video Game Tournament Night - Winner Receives $12 Bar Credit! PLUS HAPPY HOUR FROM 8-10:30!
Sunday 3/30
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Comedy Con Queso Comedy - Stand-Up Open Mic, 9pm. FREE
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Monday 3/31
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Yuengling Lager/ Lite & More!), $3 Imports (New Belgium Fat Tire/1554/ Spring Blond & More!)
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Improv Comey Show, 8pm, FREE! Stevie Jones, 10pm FREE
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Tuesday 4/1
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Bockbeer, Mich Amber, & More!), $3 Imports (Shiner White Wing, Blue Moon, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
Cutthroat Shamrock, PineBox Boys, Carrie Nation and the SpeakEasy, Deadbeat Scoundrels Doors at 7pm, Show at 8pm, $7
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & Ciders are $1 off!
Wednesday 4/2
Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present dan mirabelli wrote this Over the decades, Taco Bell has been known for introducing many ambitious products, and while some reached great success and satiated many a stoner, their risky menu items haven’t always been hits. In honor of the release of the new Taco Bell Breakfast Menu on March 27th, The Black Sheep looks back on failed Taco Bell menu items.
INTRODUCING:
THE FIRST MEAL As Taco Bell’s most recent attempt at breakfast, the fast food chain had to cook up some truly exciting items to stand out in the crowd and overshadow their past failures. With items like the Waffle Taco and the A.M. Crunchwrap, Taco Bell has already drummed up excitement among its fan base. But will they conquer the masses, or will they join the long line of discontinued tortilla-wrapped trash?
THE WAFFLE TACO
The Waffle Taco is exactly what it sounds like, but its most controversial feature is that it is doused in maple syrup. Waffles are not exactly known for being syrup retardant, and within minutes this seemingly glorious creation will be a soggy and sticky mess. We predict that many a customer will order this item to go, only to cover their steering wheel in syrup and ruin their shirt before they even make it to work. Mondays, right Garfield?
A.M. CRUNCHWRAP
Preliminary nutrition reports show that the A.M. Crunchwrap will contain 1250 milligrams of sodium, over half the recommended amount per day for adults under 51. That’s right, you can knock out half your sodium intake for the day for less than $3 before 7 a.m., now that is efficiency at its finest.
Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present
THE FIRST TRY AT BREAKFAST
While many fan reacted to news of a new Taco Bell breakfast menu with enthusiasm and anticipation, most do not know that Taco Bell made a previous attempt in the past to launch a successful breakfast menu. In the 1990s, Taco Bell asked their patrons to “Make a Run for The Border for Breakfast,” however the menu mostly left people making a run for the bathroom. The menu included items like the Double Bacon Egg Burrito and tater-tot-esque potato chunks. Fans of the breakfast menu described the eggs as “Pretty darn good, you can barely tell that they’re instant!”
TACO BELL FRIES
Yes that’s right, fries… from Taco Bell. Intriguing, yes. Tasty, hell no. Taking a page from their popular Nacho Supreme menu item, some dingbat in upper management decided that making Fries Supreme was a good idea in the late 1990s. And in a result that came out of left field, the fries were not a hit. Apparently people don’t enjoy having their crummy fries covered in ground beef and sour cream, who could’ve guessed?
THE BELL BEEFER
In the mid-1980s before Taco Bell thought outside the bun, they had an item that had a bun. For some reason Taco Bell executives decided that simply adhering to “Mexican” food was holding the restaurant back from its true potential, so the Bell Beefer was introduced. Consisting of a more-than-healthy serving of taco meat, shredded cheese, lettuce, and chunks of tomato, Taco Bell burst onto the burger scene. However, the Bell Beefer was essentially a shitty sloppy joe. Being so sloppy, it ruined one too many pairs of parachute pants before it was discontinued.
SEAFOOD SALAD
Another venture that Taco Bell took in the mid 1980s was the ill-fated Seafood Salad. Created to oppose the Filet-OFish, the Seafood Salad included black olives, lettuce, tomato, bay shrimp, white fish, and snow crab. Unfortunately these ingredients tasted far from fresh, and the refrigeration techniques in the 1980s weren’t up to snuff. Due to this and multiple near-lethal food poisoning occurrences, Taco Bell was forced to pull the Seafood Salad from their menu.
If this list has taught you anything, it is to “enjoy” Taco Bell’s menu items as much as you can, because you can never know when your favorite fart-inducing pile of horsemeat will be discontinued. So get to your closest Taco Bell and suck down some ground bacon and instant eggs before they’re gone. But remember to download the new level of that iPhone game you play, because you’ll be spending some extra time on the crapper. And don’t forget to bring a net so you can fish your colon out of the toilet bowl when you’re finished.
BREAKFAST BURRITO AND A.M. GRILLED TACO
Because you can’t have only four items on a menu and odd numbers are the cat’s pajama’s, Taco Bell decided to make one item and pretend that it was two different ones. Boasting eggs, bacon, and cheese, these items are exactly the same except for one key difference. One is a cylindrical, and the other is a semi-circle. This exact item was on the first attempt at breakfast, but the second time’s the charm.
THROWBACK MENU:
SIZZLIN’ BACON
Back in 1995, the head honchos at Taco Bell realized that the taco empire was missing a key ingredient from its Mexican cuisine: Bacon. In order to fill the glaring hole in their lineup, a bacon-centric sub-menu was released that incorporated bacon into 3 menu items. However Taco Bell was ahead of it’s time, and the bacon craze had not entered full swing. For this reason, and the small detail that the “bacon” tasted like awful ham, the Sizzlin’ Bacon Menu didn’t last very long.
BLT TACO: Consisting of bacon, lettuce, tomato, club sauce, and cheddar cheese, the BLT Taco perfectly followed the classic recipe of the BLT. Unfortunately it was unable to attain the success and glory of its namesake, because what type of person walks into a Taco Bell and thinks to themselves “Huh, screw those MexiMelts, I came here for a damn BLT. “ Not a single person on the planet is that stupid, so as quickly as the BLT Taco appeared on the scene, it disappeared.
BACON CHEESEBURGER BURRITO: Unlike the Bell Beefer, this menu item attempted to put the burger into the burrito. But once again, customers realized that instead of eating a bizarre cheeseburgerand-bacon concoction, they could go down the street and buy something better from a restaurant that actually makes their money from making burgers.
CINNABON® DELIGHTS™
It is quite literally impossible to even try to make fun of these. They are going to be delicious, maybe even delightful, and you will surely eat far more than what is healthy for the average person. Actually, eating only one is probably not healthy for you, but what the hell. Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself.
CHICKEN CLUB BURRITO:
In addition to having bacon, this burrito had chicken, lettuce, tomato, and a ranch-like sauce. Why was this delicious-sounding burrito taken off the menu? Because it was atrocious. Chicken. From Taco Bell. In the 1990s. Wanna talk about salmonella? You’d have to wash out you mouth with Purell after every bite, but there’s one problem with that. Purell HADN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET.
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Relationship Status: In a relationship Favorite Drink: Budweiser
BARTENDER
Favorite Shot: Crowne Disgusting Drink: Liquid marijuana What fictional bar patron do you most want to stop by this joint?: Shakira What’s the last thing you think before you have to cut someone off?: “I can’t wait to cut this person off.”
ROCKSTAR
This bar’s motto, five words or less: Keep Knoxville Scruffy Give us an original swear word substitute (ex: darn=damn): Hot dog What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve seen in real life?: Someone vomiting all over the bar.
OF THE WEEK
Would you rather be caught eating a booger or smelling your own fart?: Smell my own fart. If you had to have elephantiasis of something, you’d have elephantiasis of…: My tongue.
Dave of Scruffies
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Pennies
Cheesy Taco Buns
Look, laundry week really socked it to ya, and it’s not like you’re breaking into numismatic collection just to entertain your roommates. Pennies, it is! Stack ‘em up and have at it.
We’re going to take a wild guess here and assume you’re still hungover from spring break, yes? After all those long, hard hours of getting swole at the gym and not putting ranch on everything, your sexy bod is now a gallon of digesting tequila and inauthentic Mexican food. Don’t beat yourself up, just think about everything LiLo has gone through. So since you don’t need to have a bikini body for another two months, treat yourself with more cheese and more carbs.
What You’ll Need: Pennies. Lots and lots of pennies. Number of Players: Two Level of Intoxication: Hey, Lincoln indulged in a belt of whiskey once in a while. How to Play: - Both players assemble a stack of ten pennies in front of them. - Players take turns sliding pennies across the table, attempting to knock down his opponent’s stack. - Each time a player fails to knock down his opponent’s stack, add that penny to the top of the opponent’s stack. - If a player misses his opponent’s stack entirely, he must drink one. - If a player hits his opponent’s stack but fails to knock it over, he must drink two drinks. - If the penny used by the shooter stops and remains in contact with his opponent’s stack, the shooter must drink three drinks. - If a player manages to topple his opponent’s stack, the loser must drink the same number of drinks as there are pennies on the winner’s stack. The Game Ends When: John Wilkes Booth shows up. : (((((((((((((((((
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Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To see the Bartender of the Week.
What You Need: 1 tube of biscuit dough, 1lb. ground beef, 1 packet of taco seasoning, 1/2 cup of salsa, 1 (or much, much more) cup shredded cheddar cheese, 1 8oz. package of cream cheese, 4 tablespoons melted butter. Cook Time: All in all, about 30 minutes. Enough time to do some squats. Fatty Factor: You will definitely feel it in your buns. Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef, making sure to drain the grease every now and again. - Add the taco seasoning as directed on the packet. - In a bowl, mix together the salsa and cream cheese. - On a greased baking sheet, roll out the biscuits so they are flat and somewhat thin. - Spread about 1 tbsp. of the cream cheese mixture onto the biscuit. - Put a spoonful of ground beef onto the cream cheese mixture. - Finally, sprinkle a bit of shredded cheese on top. - Seal the edges, and brush the tops of biscuits with melted butter. - Bake at 350 degrees for 13-16 minutes, or until tops are lightly browned. - Optional: Dip that shit in ranch, you deserve it. Why go to a third-world country for a butt implant when you can just eat, like, 1000 of these?
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STUDENT WHO GAVE UP JESUS FOR LENT SAYS IT’S GOING “PRETTY OKAY, ACTUALLY” RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS Midway through Lent, junior Stella McGivern is “doing fine,” as she works through her decision to give up Jesus for Lent. After contemplating between whether to give up checking her Yahoo! Shine horoscope or not, she decided to make the ultimate sacrifice: giving up Jesus. Being a lifelong Catholic, this was initially a giant change for her; however, she has allegedly been doing “just fine, totally” and that her life has been “exponentially better than how it was with Jesus.” Her heritage goes back to medieval Ireland, where her Catholic roots originated. “My family’s been devoutly Catholic since forever, like back when people used to shit in buckets and stuff,” she explained. “We’ve always been especially serious about Lent— we celebrate it every month.” Thus far, McGivern has participated in 263 months of Lent, beginning from when she was a fetus. She was beginning to run out of things to give up, as chocolate, reality TV and three of her six toes are all out of
the question. McGivern rationalized her decision to drop Jesus, saying: “I wanted to give up something that was significant to me, just to show how committed I am to this thing. Also, I need to know which Arab Spring dictator I am, so giving up Buzzfeed
"She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that 'being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.'” quizzes won’t be possible at this time.” As an alternative to her Christian faith, she first dabbled in Scientology; however, after reminding herself that you had to make at least $3 million per year to be a Scientologist, she ended up switching to full-blown atheism. She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that “being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.”
“I think she’s having a little too much fun with this,” commented Remus McGivern, her father. “She keeps saying things like, ‘We shouldn’t be hampered by traditional notions of religion,’ and ‘Where was God when Grandma fell into that industrial furnace, huh?’ We didn’t raise her to be this demon-child without values.” “I’ve just been stressing the importance of the individual and our independent choices,” she responded defiantly. “You don’t need a higher power to tell you how to live your life. So far, I’ve gotten like, six abortions in the past couple of weeks. It’s been awesome!” She then proceeded to steal a Twix bar from a small child, which was like, so atheist of her. Luckily, we were able to get a word from The Man himself, Jesus Christ. When McGivern’s name was brought up, He rolled his eyes.
but like a week ago, I saw her taking Jell-O shots in a public restroom. Her life’s clearly going downhill without Me, but it’s her choice. I don’t want to be involved with that hot mess. Anyway, I’m going to go deal with Syria now or something,” Jesus said. “The devil can take that bitch, like honestly.”
“Whatever. Let’s be honest, it isn’t much of a loss now, is it? She used to be okay,
Pope Francis stepped in, claiming that “He didn’t really mean that, now did you,
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babe?” According to bystanders, he allegedly shot a furtive glance to Christ, whispering something about “how we have like, five fucking followers right now, so like, let’s not talk shit about them, okay?” According to McGivern, this has been the most liberating experience of her life; she plans to stay atheist. As part of her spiritual journey, she hopes to tackle radical feminism in the near future.
THE RUSSELL CROWE SHUFFLE Do you know what movies all of these Russell Crowe characters are from? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
FILM BANK
1.) Noah 2.) American Gangster 3.) Cinderella Man 4.) Les Misérables
5.) Gladiator 6.) Robin Hood 7.) A Beautiful Mind 8.) 3:10 to Yuma 9.) Romper Stomper
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sonic menu items
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six degrees of separation
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