Tennessee - Issue 12 - 4/11/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FR EE th ... l e re ike -m no ul xio ch u in s f g of ume ca s fr mp o us m .

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 12 • 4/11/13 - 4/17/13

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK

Sex Week Protesters: An Exposé Utk gossip girl wrote this It seems that everybody has an opinion about the ever-controversial Sex Week at UT. Everyone, from legislators, teachers, students, and parents to people outside the university, has developed strong opinions about the event. We were interested to hear the perspectives of those against the idea, and decided to ask some of them about their opinions in order to find out why they really oppose Sex Week. The Black Sheep: What are some of your biggest concerns with Sex Week? Pedestrian Walkway Street Preacher: “Hellfire! Hellfire and damnation! Eternal hellfire and damnation! The flames of Hell will consume you all! “ Anti-Abortion People: “If you attend Sex Week, you will have sex, and you will get pregnant, and you will abort your baby, and your baby will look EXACTLY like this giant poster I have here. See? Look at the blood! If you so much as set foot into one of these events, you will all become baby killers! And get chlamydia! And die!” Stacey Campfield: “I just don’t see the point. There can’t be any legitimate reason for UT to host an event like this. Kids don’t have sex. I certainly never did, and neither did my parents.” The Gideons: [Silent, prolonged eye contact while trying to hand us a Bible] The Black Sheep: Why is sex such a bad thing, anyway? Isn’t it supposed to be a pleasurable and fulfilling act? Pedestrian Walkway Street Preacher: “Sex is the Devil’s entertainment. It is how he and his minions amuse themselves in the fiery pits of Hell while they’re waiting on the gays and the Jews to join them.” Anti-Abortion People: “Sex makes you pregnant, and pregnancy makes you abort babies! Every time! Look at the fetus! LOOK AT IT! That is what sex does!” Stacey Campfield: “I just don’t see what all the hype about sex is anyway. I mean, that’s not my idea of fun. I prefer to pass the time writing the most absurd pieces of legislature I can come up with. Sex has always seemed overrated to me. Not that I’d know… I’m just assuming it’s less fun than it looks in the gruesome illustrations of the act I draw in my spare time.” The Gideons: [Silence, still maintaining eye contact, still holding out a Bible]

The Black Sheep: As Americans, though, shouldn’t we support free speech and education for our young people? Pedestrian Walkway Street Preacher: “Unclean speech leads to unclean thoughts, which leads to the fires of Hell and eternal damnation! The Constitution should be amended to ensure that America won’t be consumed by the devil and his minions – after all, 9/11 clearly happened because of all the immoral, interracial sex happening in this country!” Anti-Abortion People: “Free speech is in the same Constitution that allows abortion to be legal! We ignore Roe v. Wade all day every day, so why shouldn’t we ignore the First Amendment? Besides, we’d only be allowing students to be educated in creative ways to kill fetuses! Look at the posters!!!!” Stacey Campfield: “I never did go to law school, so I’m just not sure

what'’s inside

about the whole ‘free speech’ nonsense, but it seems like something the secular progressives made up to further their anti-religious agenda. Besides, these events aren’t educational. I don’t know how anyone could think that talks like ‘How Can UTK Stop Sexual Assault?’ and ‘Sex, Gender, and the Law’ have any academic merit to them whatsoever.” The Gideons: [Silence, trying to hand us a Bible… which we finally took because they’re fairly inoffensive and kind of cute in their old man suits] We may never get a straight answer out of the Sex Week protesters, because it’s not even clear that they know why they oppose the event in the first place. We learned that many of those who object don’t realize that just because you’re loud, it doesn’t mean you’re right. You can’t fix stupid, but you sure can educate yourself about sex, so maybe we should take a leaf out of these activists’ books and start having loud (safe) sex!

This is what our dreams are made of

Top 10: Free Things to get on campus

bartender of the week

Condoms double as potential balloon animals!

“Rumorz” about Bianka are that she’s the coolest bartender around.

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It’s only a nightmare if it comes true.

contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 6: Musical + Porn: It’s a Pornical!

page 6

50 Shades of Grey was just the foreplay.

page 7: from the streets what’s the one thing you’re looking forward to this summer?

pages 10 - 11: The Summer Internship Office

Table of

We draw parallels between the comedy staple and your summer internship.

page 12: drinking game and recipe for disaster Beeramid and chocolate lasagna. Sometimes you just have to get pseudo-Cultural.

page 14: Find the differences There are 10 differences in this sweet job fair seminar. Can you find them all?

pages 10-11

editorial • sales • pr marketing • distribution weekly newspapers. daily website. mobile apps. regional and national expansion. this is some of the stuff we're working on... how 'bout you?

now hiring summer interns

apply online at theblacksheeponline.com email us at jobs@theblacksheeponline.com

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Mob

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Sexy Anagrams

Yeah, he tapped that. (Want to become famous next week?)

Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Ninja Glue Oh Uh

Sparkle as a glamour

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?

Jenna Dewan & Tyler, the Creator

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

last week’s answers

word of the week Diarrmea:

A narcissist’s inability to stop talking about him or herself. “Carol’s diarrmea finally caught up to her when she accidentally told Lex about the time she pooped her pants in church. There was no second date.”

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theblacksheeponline.com

This is What Our Dreams are Made Of Smokey Freud wrote this

Remember being young and impressionable, when recurring nightmares were nothing more than showing up to class naked or missing out on some super-cool field trip to a petting zoo? Well, now we’re in college our dreams aren’t so innocent anymore. No, years of repressed anger towards teachers mixed with booze leads to some pretty haunting nightmares. Sleeping Through a Test: If you’re stressing about a big exam the night before and have spent the past few days cramming in Hodges, this could very well be the setting your subconscious takes on in your dreams. Hodges is already a scary place, haunted by failing students and broken dreams. Then your stressed-to-the-max brain will take whatever show you’ve used to procrastinate and collide fiction and reality into one all-too-real dream. Been watching The Walking Dead? Get ready to have zombies pop out from behind the rows of books. More of a Workaholics fan? Then you’re about to get real butthurt in the library. Writing Papers: We’ve all been in the situation where you know a paper is due tomorrow, but all your brain wants you to write is: “College is stupid. I’m going to drop out and become the next Bill Gates. Or become a stripper, anything but this torture.” And if you think it’s torture now, wait until your inability to write a decent paper haunts your subconscious. Your laptop, notebook, and pens will merge together to form an academic monster of death. And then it eats you. You’ll never look at your Macbook the same way again. Or your dreams may reveal the scariest anxiety of all – that you’ll grow up to be a loser.

“Remember how you couldn’t even write that dumb paper for your English 101 class?” your subconscious will say, “that’s because you’re a loser who can’t accomplish anything.” Enjoy dying alone. Paying the Bills: Perhaps the worst recurring dream that you can have in college is one where money is the enemy. Nothing is worse than money worries, because everybody knows that if you don’t have enough money to pay your tuition, then you won’t get an education, will end up homeless, a drug addict, and eventually, dead. If you’re worried about being able to pay your tuition for the next semester or being able to work enough to pay your rent next month, then those issues will scar you for life in your sleep. If a giant, evil-looking Jimmy Cheek with a foaming mouth and crazy eyes chasing you through the multiple floors of HBB while waving increased tuition bills in your face isn’t enough to make you cry out for your momma in the middle of the night then we salute you, because you’re a braver soul than we are. Now that we have real-life problems, not just those pussy issues like forgetting your multiplication homework or worrying about messing up your lines in a school play, our dreams have gotten a lot scarier. Not only do we have do deal with kindergarten-level problems like, “What if none of the other kids like me?” but we also have things like exams, papers, and financial worries thrown at us daily. These dream scenarios are terrifying versions of what college students have to deal with. And if you’ve never had dreams like these before, well, you will now.

Now appearing at Alter Ego Tattoo: Donovan Stringer! Neo-Traditional, Bio-Mechanical, Black and Grey, Color Bomb expert. Stop down or call to make your Appointments Today!

The

Top 10

Free Things to Get on Campus

200 Lowwood Drive | woodmeadesouth.com | (865) 573-8884

They say the best things in life are free, and we couldn’t agree more, especially when it comes to Russian strippers. Campus has tons of free stuff just flying around Pedestrian Walkway, so we’ve compiled a list to make sure you plan your walking path to exploit the system as much as possible. 10.) Pens: Running late for that comprehensive essay test? Keep your eyes peeled for free pens so you’ll be extra prepared to scribble away. Sure they might be covered in mud, or worse, blood, but as long as the ink still sticks to the paper you’ll be alright. 9.) Coupons: What may look like a normal ol’ piece of garbage could actually end up saving you 30 cents on a can of green beans! So start collecting all the flying paper, stuff them in your bag, and you’re guaranteed to turn that paper into saved money! 8.) Razors: This happens once in a blue moon, but getting free “samples” of Schick razors is kind of a big deal. Razor blades are way too expensive and can explain why so many people try out the beard during college, so scoop up piles of the free razors while you can, just make sure they’re still sealed in the packaging – we’ve gotten one too many free razors from the heroin addicted hobo under the walkway. 7.) Bullshit Food: Fruit snacks and week-old Rice Krispie treats should be accepted as sustenance; food is food. If anyone’s handing it out, single Reese’s pieces take those too, they’re delicious. 6.) Real food: This is the holy grail of Ped Walkway free scores. And if you’re the one giving out free Menchies on campus, you’re bound to get laid by a hefto who will try to get your number before sneaking away with an entire pie, but maybe the sex will be free too, so count your blessings.

ns Spacious 1 & 2 Bedroom Floor Pla Private Patios & Balconies Wood Burning Fireplaces Walk-in Closets Washer & Dryer Connections

Two Pools Health & Fitness Center Additional Storage Available 24- Hour Emergency Maintenance We’re Pet Friendly!

1 MONTH FREE!MONTH LEASE

ITH A 12 ON ALL FLOOR PLANS W

NTOWN! W O D D N A T U M O FR S 5 MINUTE 5.) Other Newspapers: Keeping up with current events is essential to keeping up with your life, but you can do that via the internet. Just keep the dying print industry afloat by picking up the campus press, reading the top headline, then recycling it. 4.) Condoms: Don’t be a fool and wrap your tool. STD’s aren’t like Pokemon, you don’t “gotta catch ‘em all.” Thanks, condoms. And thank you, people who hand them out and help keep our sex-crazed campus less pregnant. 3.) Water bottles: Water may be free all the time and everywhere, but you can never have enough portable, disposable, semi-inconspicuous alcohol containers. 2.) T-Shirts: Collecting free t-shirts is cooler than thrift shopping because it won’t cost you a penny. Who cares if it has something about Stephen Burroughs on it, no one makes fun of free. 1.) The Black Sheep: Hey there! You must have picked this up for free, or got it shoved in your pretty little hands by one of our pretty little staff members (literally, we are all very small people). Please read this cover to cover while audibly laughing, and buy things from the people who advertise in us BECAUSE WE LOVE MONEY MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.

Dildo Baggass wrote this

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Musical + Porn: It’s a

Pornical!

lindsey fleck wrote this As you cultural enthusiasts may already know, something amazing is coming to Knoxville at the end of April. No it isn’t Fort Sanders Fest, and it sure as hell isn’t Volapalooza. This is something every girl and her mom have been waiting for, a conjoining of two things for which the female brain salivates: 50 Shades of Grey the MUSICAL is coming to the Bijou Theatre! Yes that’s right, porn will now be available to see live on stage, for the low price of $24.50. Horny women in their forties can no longer wait for the movie, and watching Glee while reading erotic literature just doesn’t cut it. However, before 50 Shades the Musical comes to town, The Black Sheep wants you to know some important things about musical porn. Porn has been around since… well forever, because while sex isn’t something you can get on demand, naked pictures of people are. And ever since that silly High School Musical trilogy swept the nation, people have decided that incorporating music into every aspect of our lives is a very important endeavor. But this is one combination no one has ever expected - literature, erotica, music, and live theater. Porn is just great, we admit, but the best ones are typically parodies of great movies… and now books? Surprisingly enough, the first musical-porn-based-off-a-book was created in 1976 featuring – get this – a Disney character. No, it wasn’t one of the hot princesses we love out of pure nostalgia, this porn musical was Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Comedy. It makes sense when you think about it, because of course Alice had to go “down the hole,” and Mr. White Rabbit was “always late.” Can you imagine a sexual wonderland? The possibilities are endless! Another porn musical was the parody of everyone’s favorite TV show: Glee. While this is significantly more recent, This Ain’t Glee XXX: Porn Parody still holds true to the core value of the show, which is breaking out into song at random moments. Throw in some sexual songs such as: “Don’t Cum On Me” and a very sexual “Big Tushy Ho’s” for their anthem song. This is two sex-packed hours of singing, dancing, and penetrating that will please your ears and libido.

While there has been nudity on Broadway before, the large sexual scale of this production will be a monumental step in the sexual openness of modern culture. Or not, we already have sex everywhere, showing some bondage and titties on stage won’t screw up our society any more than we’re already screwed up. And now porn will now be available for Knoxvillians to enjoy after a good solid semester of hard work. This is even pretty awesome that this show will be playing during the weekend Knoxville gets an extra dose of music. You get Volapalooza, the amazing musical festival Fort Sanders Fest, and now musical porn. How many times will the gods of music bring an assortment of this magnitude? It’s an unlikely combination, and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity you should definitely look into. Unfortunately, this occurrence means that it won’t be too long before Twilight has its own porn parody. But do you really want to see grown men nakedly sparkling on a stage? Didn’t think so.

[PartyPics]

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What's the one thing you're looking forward to this summer? “Going to Amsterdam… to sight see.”- Katie

“Wakarusa.” - Sara

“Sleeping in, all the time.” - Stephen

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The Grid

BLACKSTOCK FRIDAY & SATURDAY Dance Nights at Southbound!

THURSDAY! Bam Margera is F*@k Face Unstoppable | Jess Margera | Matty J @ The Bowery 18+ | 8PM | $20 Adv | $25 Door | $40 VIP

$2.50 Yuengling Drafts

Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!

VELTIX, CUTTHROAT KID, TYNAN, BOLTACTION, CRAFTY @ NV Nightclub | 18+ | 9 PM | $5 Door Bam Margera is F*@k Face Unstoppable | Jess Margera | Matty J @ The Bowery | 18+ | 8PM

DJ Sterl the Pearl

The Mutations, Yung Life, Crumbsnatchers and Yak Strangler, 9pm, $5 Drink Specials!

Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm

saturday 4/13

A Memorial Concert for Carrie Daugherty f eaturing J.C. & The Dirty Smokers, 10pm

The Breakfast Club: 80s Tribute Band, 9pm, $10

Wolfe Jam featuring The Bearded, the MacDaddies, Jenna & her Cool Friends, Jodie Manross & Laith Keilany and Northshore, 7pm, $7 $3 Shiner Bock & Yuengling

Dance Night with Ray Funk @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm | Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm

sunday 4/14

Come join us for lunch and dinner!

Check out blackstocklive.com for upcoming shows and special events!

Write-Offs Songwriter Competition sponsored by WUTK and Shed 55 Studios, 7pm, FREE

Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!

monday 4/15

Sean Ashby, 10 pm Half Price Pint Night

AJ Gaither, 7pm, FREE! Open Mic Comedy, 9pm $2 Drafts, $4 Shots, Free Queso!

Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!

Howle + Mosley, 10pm Half Price Pint Night

Email jay@blackstocklive.com to set up private events and parties!

Einstein Simplified Improv Troop 8pm, FREE Matt Woods and Devon Stuart, 10pm, FREE $5 Burgers

Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!

Live Team Trivia - 8pm

Weekly Locals Only Night Guerrila Suns and Royal Buzz - Always Free!

Jeff Blank’s Super Awesome Friends: Stand-Up Comedy with Regional Performers Jennifer Bianchi, Cody Hughes, Trae Crowder, and David Duncan, 9pm, $5 $5 Nachos, $5 Dickel Tickles

Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!

SPECIAL NIGHT

SAT: A Memorial Concert for Carrie Daugherty f eaturing J.C. & The Dirty Smokers, 10pm

Thursday Blackstock UniversityCollege Night-Featuring Rehab!! Tix online at blackstocklive.com

Now Featuring $4 Shot List, Available Daily

thursday 4/11

90.3 The Rock Presents: The David Mayfield Parade with Katie Powderly, 10 pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 pm

College Night! $5 cover 18 +, Ladies Free $1.50 domestics

The Burnin Hermans, 9pm, FREE!

FRIday 4/12

90.3 The Rock’s Funhouse Presents: Monophonics, 10 pm

tuesday 4/16 WED. 4/17

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The Grid tuesday: Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts

THURSDAY! Mexican Night! $1 tacos, $2.50 Mexican Beer, $4 Margaritas and $4 Patron

Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp

SUNDAY: Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax

WEDNESDAY: Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2 Domestic Bottles

Mexican Night! $1 tacos, $2.50 Mexican Beer, $4 Margaritas and $4 Patron

College Night Thursday! $5 Pitcher of Beer and Free Buffet till 11, Karaoke Starts at 11 All new $5 Margarita Liquor Pitcher $1 Wells, $2 PBR tallboy Beer Pong Tourney!

Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Half Off Drafts after 9pm

thursday 4/11

$2.50 Blue Moon Drafts

$12 pizza and pitcher til midnight, $3 Hanna shooter, $4 High Gravity Beers and $5 Walk Me Downs

FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys

Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!

FRIday 4/12

Catch all the Sports Action Here!

$12 pizza and pitcher til midnight$3 Hanna shooter, $4 High Gravity Beers and $5 Walk Me Downs

Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp

Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax

Come in and watch the game on our big screens!

saturday 4/13

$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries

Closed Check out the facebook page!

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net

Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax

Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm

sunday 4/14

$5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day

Closed But be sure to come back tomorrow night!

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net

Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner

monday 4/15

Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts

$5.99 Burgers and Sandwiches $2.50 Imports and Craft Beers $4.00 flavored vodka

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net

Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

$2 Drafts

tuesday 4/16

$1.50 PBR Tall Boys

$12 Pizza and Pitcher, $4 Jack Daniels

Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net

Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle

Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM

WED. 4/17

The

Summer Internship Office Season 3

Season 1

A Few Major Plot Points: The first season in the office gives a six-episode glimpse into Michael Scott’s uncomfortable weirdness, Jim’s crush on Pam (though she’s engaged to Roy), and the potential shutdown of the Dunder Mifflin branch. Which Makes the Audience Think: “What a weird, insular world these people live in.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: It’s the first day, and the too-cool-for-school 40-year-old giving you a tour of the office uses words like “brews” and “babes” to feel out your life outside of work. After he gets alltoo-excited showing you the IKEA-grade twirly chair you’ll call home this summer, he sheepishly asks you to help him remove some malware from his computer, but asks you be discreet about it; he can’t get caught browsing porn in the workplace, again. Over an Arby’s lunch in the break room you learn Tim has a crush on Sarah, but Sarah likes Peter. Though you thought such grade school antics would be left on the urine-soaked spiral slide on which you lost your virginity, you soon realize that most workplaces are little more than nine-to-five corrals for people with serious issues under very thin skin.

Week 1 Season 2

Week 2

A Few Major Plot Points: Michael hosts the Dundies, an award ceremony for the employees. Relationships rise and fall as Michael and his boss Jan secretly date, and Roy sets a wedding date on a company-funded booze cruise. Which Makes the Audience Think: “At the end of the day we’re all bags of meat trying to survive another day.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: After sitting through a grueling four-hour motivational speaker who tries to inspire staff with empty pablum like, “It doesn’t matter where you’re coming from; it only matters where you’re going,” and “If you’re not moving towards your goals, you’re moving away from your goals,” everyone breaks for the nearest strip mall restaurant that sells liquor. Six drinks and a lot of group venting later, it’s just you and Tim alternately shooting the shit and shooting whisky. He tells you about his big plans to move to the city to escape his love for Sarah, but the lack of conviction in his voice betrays how trapped he realizes he is. When he’s in the bathroom you whisper into your phone, “Siri, note that I shouldn’t ever be as pathetic as Tim.” She responds with, “Then why did you take this internship you unambitious piece of shit?”

A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar is outed as a homosexual, Dwight takes Ryan out to Schrute Farms for an initiation with Mose, the Dunder Mifflin staff goes to Kelly’s Diwali celebration, and many attend Phyllis’ wedding. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Wait, so these people do have lives outside of the office.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Sure, in the office the employees may seem like pathetic drones just checking off boxes until they end up six feet under, but outside of the office... they’re even more pathetic. Becky – who certainly has a crush on you – invited you to a family cookout that featured hockey puck hamburgers and a screaming match with her dad, highlighted with, “Well, if you don’t want to pay for another abortion, it looks like I’ll have to get [you] to kick your ass!” After hightailing it out of there you decide to meet up with Sarah, the other intern they hired this summer, just to see if her outlook is as jaded as your own. It isn’t. As she tells you her twenty-year plan that involved crawling up the corporate ladder one hard-fought rung at a time, only to quit at the peak of her middle management powers to have two kids, you begin wondering why gun laws aren’t more lax in the United States.

Week 3 Season 4

Week 4

A Few Major Plot Points: After Karen leaves and breaks up with him, Jim becomes the regional manager of the Scranton branch, and begins dating Pam. Toby moves to Costa Rica after confessing his love for Pam, and is replaced by Holly Flax, who shows affection for Michael. Despite being in a loving relationship with Jim, Pam moves to New York for a three-month stint at art school. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s important to look up from your daily grind, stop, and shake things up.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: All your friends are either working internships that fall in line with their future careers, or living off daddy’s money doing a summer-long, music fest bender. You come into the office to sit under sterile lighting and get mixed up in meaningless peoples’ lives for what, $10 and hour? Another bullet point on your resume? You’ll spend all that money within three weeks of fall semester, and the only “skill” you’re gaining here is “coordinated with management” and “became fluent in Microsoft Office.” Your other co-workers seem to be escaping this sinking ship, and you should too.

The Office, a nine-year Thursday night comedy staple, is wrapping up its run on May 16th, right as you’re about to start your summer internship. The parallels are astounding, as the progression of the show perfectly mimics your slipping sanity while working this summer. Don’t believe us? Read on. Written by Brendan and Quinn Season 9

Season 5

A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam become engaged, and Pam moves back to Scranton where the two buy Jim’s parents’ house. Michael attempts a romance with Holly, but she’s transferred to another branch. Michael hates the new vice president of Dunder Mifflin and decides to start the Michael Scott Paper Company, but it is immediately bought out by Dunder Mifflin. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s best to ignore what ails you, buckle down, and get back in line.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Things are finally starting to get a little interesting, the two people you kind of like are around on a regular basis, and your boss isn’t so awkwardly focused on making you feel at home. Instead he’s got his eye on the new HR lady, who’s actually kind of hot. Once you get to really know these people, you start to care for them. And when you start to care for them, you become interested in the tiniest aspects of their day-to-day interactions. Plus you’ve got a lot of responsibility, and your beloved co-workers actually rely on you! You’re a special, and important part of this organization, to leave now would be a downright mean thing to do.

Week 5 Season 6

Season 7

A Few Major Plot Points: Michael Scott asks for Holly’s hand in marriage and the two move to Colorado. More relationships change. Michael’s first replacement is seriously injured, leading Jo, the CEO of Sabre, to create a search committee to interview candidates to manage the office. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This whole thing’s but a walking shadow, full of sound and fury, yet signifying nothing.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’ve tuned out. Your kind-of-endearing but increasingly-annoying manager has moved on after dedicating 20 years of his heart and soul to the company. Everyone is caught up in the same drivel that blinds them from the truth: they’re living horrifyingly bland lives. He likes her, she likes someone else, and the no one likes the new manager. Whatever, you’re almost out. Two more weeks and you’ll continue your education, trying ever harder to ensure you never get caught staring into the cold, unforgiving glow of a computer screen for hours on end. All these things happen around you, but like a dead cat carcass in the bottom of a river, you let it all pass over you. The only thing that keeps you coming back is some unknown universal force of attachment to the place, and another brick in the ol’ resume.

Week 6

A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam have a baby, while other relationships bud or falter, keeping the dying show on life support. At Christmas it’s announced that Dunder Mifflin will be bought out by Sabre Corporation, a printer company. Many executives are let go and other branches closed, but the Scranton office prevails yet again. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This monotony is inescapable. It goes on and on and on, the same thing over and over again until we die.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Turns out a larger company is buying the shitty company you work for, so hey, maybe you’ll have more connections coming out of this thing than a letter of recommendation from Randy, the guy who feeds and waters his jar of pennies in the back. Yes, it could also mean the branch you work for might close, but that’s fine because you’ve been wanting to get out of here and away from all the weird inter-office fucking that goes on. But just when you start to see the light, a sickening change in upper management sets you right back in line. Coming in every day, watching the same dead-eyed people have meaningless bouts of awkward conversation, and incessantly churning out whatever product you produce for the insatiable capitalist machine.

Week 7 Season 8

A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar considers adopting Angela’s cat, Kevin gets a turtle, Dwight teaches Erin Dothraki, an acapella group shows up, Pam gives people lice, and there’s a paper airplane contest. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Love, loss, heartbreak, sadness, despair, the summer of 2013 has been a death march started on the happy shores of Memorial Day, and only precious few will make it to the deep-jungle internment camp just past Labor Day. The oppressive early-August humidity coupled with emotional burnout caused by high staff turnover, little time off, and policy changes leaves staffers with thousand-yard stares. Yancy is killing time counting watercooler bubbles, and Fran just keeps Xeroxing the same blank sheet of paper over and over again. Everyone just wants the summer to be over with, most of all, you. As you thumb through party pics from the previous spring on your iPhone, you find yourself compelled to walk out the door. As you exit the building you rip off your tie and slacks, as the cool, moist air rushes over your naked body. Freeeeeeeedom! You’ll never work a white-collar job again.

Week 8

Week 9

A Few Major Plot Points: Robert California helms Dunder Mifflin/Sabre, Andy takes over as Regional Manager, mad people be pregnant, and Andy quits. Which Makes the Audience Think: “The new sheriff in town will force these people back in line, unless he’s as insane as the rest of them.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’re hoping this new manager will come in, lay down the law, and make these last few weeks turn to the normalcy you expected when you signed up for this gig. No dice. Instead, he’s even zanier than the last guy. He puts Mark “I threw a mini fridge down the elevator shaft when I wasn’t granted the vacation days I wanted” Miller in charge of your department; sure it’s quieter, but you could cut the tension with a knife. Every day a very pregnant Katelyn quietly cries a few cubicles over. You wish you could join her in sobbing, but that would mean the stale fluorescent bulbs hadn’t sapped you of every last emotion you’ve ever had. A lecture hall never sounded more promising.

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bartender of the week Bianka rumorz Favorite movie: Shooter Favorite show: NCIS Favorite book: 50 Shades of Grey Favorite beer: Miller Light Favorite liquor: Captain Best drunk munch: Chili dogs Dream job: Office manager Pick up line: The “mountains” in Tennessee are beautiful. Pet peeve: Not picking up after yourself Signature shot: Poker in the rear Superpower: Flying Favorite sports team: Vols Hangover cure: Coffee, strong

the drinking game:

recipe for disaster:

Beeramid

chocolate lasagna

The Egyptians had a long history of drinking beer, the Aztecs too. Yes, these great civilizations just loved cracking open a cold one after a hard day erecting aweinspiring feats of engineering. Now it’s time to include the college student when breathlessly mentioning great pyramid-building, beer-loving societies. Greatness, thy name is Keystone Light!

Screw all the health crap being shoved down everyone’s throats. Live a little, have the extra piece of cake, drink more beer, and have dessert for dinner—especially if it’s chocolate lasagna.

What You’ll Need: Some empties, some fullies, a fair amount of coordination. Number of Players: 3-6 Level of Intoxication: Denial (of your drinking problem) ain’t just a river in Egypt. How to Play: - Start the game by placing one full beer in the middle of the table. - Moving clockwise, each player takes turns placing an empty beer can to the right or left of the full beer can. - The bottom row of cans can only be six cans wide. - Once at least two beer cans are placed on the bottom row, players may begin building up, creating the classic two-dimensional pyramid shape. - Players continue building the pyramid until the pyramid collapses. - No player may place one can directly on top of another can, unless the all six vertical rows of the pyramid are completed. In this case, begin stacking single beers on top of one another. - The player who causes the pyramid to collapse must chug the full beer on the bottom row of the pyramid. The Game Ends When: Someone gets mad and calls their mummy.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

What You’ll Need: 1 package Oreo cookies, 6 tablespoon melted butter, 8-ounce package cream cheese (softened), 1/4 cup granulated sugar, 2 tablespoons milk, 12-ounce tub of Cool Whip, two 3.9-ounce packages of chocolate instant pudding, 3 1/4 cups cold milk, and 1 1/2 cups mini chocolate chips. Cook Time: Just over an hour. Fatty Factor: The perfect cure for a chubby kid’s sweet tooth. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the Oreos in a Ziploc bag and smash them with a hard object until they’re crumbs. We recommend thinking about something that pisses you off, like your lying, cheating whore ex. - Add the melted butter into the Oreo bag and mix. - Pour the Oreo and butter mix evenly across the bottom of your baking pan and place the pan in the refrigerator while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Mix the cream cheese in a separate bowl until it’s light and fluffy. - Add in 2 tablespoons of milk, sugar and 1 1/2 cups of the Cool Whip and mix until combined. - Remove the pan from the fridge and spread the cream cheese mixture over the Oreo crust. - Combine the chocolate instant pudding with the rest of the milk. Stir until the pudding starts to thicken. - Spread the pudding over the other layers with a spatula. - Let your lasagna chill for another five minutes in the refrigerator. - Remove the pan from the fridge, spread the remaining Cool Whip over your lasagna and sprinkle chocolate chips over the top. - Put your chocolate lasagna in the freezer for an hour before chowin’ down. Let it thaw a bit before diggin’ your teeth into it. The Black Sheep is not responsible for dental work. We’ll pull the teeth out, though, if you ask nicely.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Got Engaged At: - WNBA Game - DIxie Chicks concert - ASPCA convention - Google Meetup

Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Ke$ha - Miley Cyrus - Lindsay Lohan - Paris Hilton

Honeymoon Adventure: - Jet skiing in glitter unitards - Cleaning your aunt’s house - Visiting a Westboro protest - Trick-or-treating in June

Best Man: - Tom Haverford - Tommy Lee Jones - Tom Petty - Thom Yorke

First Dance: - “Pony” by Ginuwine - “Get Ur Freak On” by Missy Elliot - “Waterfalls” by TLC - “Gimme Some More” by Busta Rhymes

Matching Body Modification: - Horns in forehead - Ears gauged in a heart shape - Corset up the neck - Bill Clinton tattoo on the chest

Maid of Honor: - Lisa Simpson - Lisa Loeb - Lisa Kudrow - Lisa Lampanelli

Wedding souvenir: - Defective condoms - $10 McDonald’s gift card - Homemade Peep-infused vodka - Soluja Boy “Crank That” CD Single

Highlight of Married Life: - Properly breeding poodles - Threesome with Katie Couric - Flying first class to Houston - Growing lettuce successfully

How to play

Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.

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m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e GAMES G Th IN K IN R PECIALS | D | BAR S ARTICLES

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find the differences

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there are 10 differences in this sweet job fair seminar. can you find them all?

the crossword: candies

Across 1) People collect these dispensers 2) Most popular type of gummi 4) “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” 7) Extremely sour candy that was a hit in middle school 11) It’s supposedly everlasting 12) Lil’ Wayne wanted to lick you like one of these 15) A chew named after this 1920s dance 16) You can’t really use this candy for support, gramps 18) This candy is found on a strip of paper 20) A classic novel, with three of these DOWN 1) Little marshmallow chicks 3) Kids crushed these

Meet The Staff campus manager Austin Owen

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distribution managers Kelley Rieder Stephen Palmer

Editorial manager Emily Hagenburger

campus director Quinn Myers

Advertising Managers Lindsey Fleck

owner Atish Doshi

Writers Mary Moss, Lindsey Fleck, Jessica Crowder, Katie Vaughn. Sarah Russell

Founders Jessica Hill, Tanner Jenkins, Austin Owen, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson

social media manager ...you?

and snorted them, stupidly 5) Popular Easter chocolate egg 6) Individually wrapped chewy candy, originally known as Opal Fruits 8) Also the name of a Burger King staple 9) Pennsylvania town and huge chocolate manufacturer 10) A notoriously fancy chocolate company 11) M&M’s seductive mascot is this color 13) Bart Simpson was the face of this in the 90s 14) Peanut butter cup brand with over 21 variations 17) This mint had a whole Seinfeld episode 19) Caramel and cookie covered in milk chocolate

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Alter Ego Tattoo Gus’ Good Time Deli Stefano’s Pizza Hodges Library Claxton Education McCord Hall Barbarito’s Half Barrel Sunspot Haslam Business Building Building Gibbs Hall Barley’s Taproom Hannah’s (Cumberland) The Well University Center Communications & Morgan Hall Bearden Beer Market Hannah’s (Old City) Tin Roof Clement Hall University Extension Tickle Small Animal Boyd’s Jig & Reel HIghland Terrace University Liquors Strong Hall McClung Museum Hospital Cafe 4 Knox Bonding Company Urban Bar Senter Hall HSS Apartment Residence Calhoun’s Marble City Brewing Woodruff’s/Downtown Hoskins Library Thompson-Bowling Cafe Hall The Casual Pint Company Grill & Brewery South College Student Health Center All Greek Houses Central Flats & Taps Moe’s Woodmeade South Ayres Hall Art & Architecture Street Teams Chipotle NV Sushi Bridgecourt Apts Science and Engineering Hess Hall MORE! Cook- Out Nyro’s Gyro’s Gateway Apts Building Melrose Hall Cool Beans Preservation Pub Prime campus housing Alumni Memorial Presidential Court Copper Cellar Roaming Gnome The Grove Building Humes Hall Crown & Goose Saint Tattoo The Commons Neyland Biology Annex Carrick Hall Crowne Plaza Soccer Taco The Retreat Henson Hall Reese Hall Cumberland Glassworks Southbound University Heights Greve Hall Shellburn Towers Ebi Sushi Squire’s Quarry Trail Dunford Morrill Hall

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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