The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue Volume 1, Issue 12 12/6/12 - 12/14/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
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contents page 6: the madlib
Always wondered how Cuonzo and Dooley would fight it out in a Star Wars death match? Find out!
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6
page 6: are you smarter than...
Alright, alright, alright! Can you beat Prof. Baker in some trivia?
Table of
pages 7: from the streets
When you’re home for the holidays, how do you keep your college spirit?
page 11: christmas movies Drinking Game
make your millionth time watching a christmas story a special one.
page 13: All We Want for Christmas
Every good little Vol had better ask Santa for a good new coach this year.
page 13
page three p e e h S k The Blaicle App
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Sexy Anagrams
LET MR. LEINIE LAY A KISS ON YOUR HEINE! (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.)
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Cranny Damn Grey Nots Z Clone
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word of the week borantine:
The act of locking oneself into a quiet area to force oneself to study for an upcoming exam. "Neil put himself into borantine because he knew Adam and Keith would force him to play beer pong, and he really needed to ace his biology exam."
page 4
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quiz: Which Late Night knoxville Eatery Are You? 1) How much money do you take with you when you go out? A) I don’t need money, guys from the club will buy me stuff. B) A couple bucks, everyone has a Dollar Menu. C) No more than $20. D) I just bring my card, charge it all!
5) Quick, your tummy rumbled. What is it craving? A) Greasy awesomeness. B) Some type of meat and cheese-like contraption. C) An assortment of everything. D) Chicken, lots of chicken.
2) What’s the best type of food to eat when drunk? A) Fast food. B) Mystery food. C) Good sit down food. D) I’ll eat anything if I’m drunk.
6) How much food do you need to buy to fulfill your hunger? A) My food and my roommate’s food, and my neighbor’s food. B) Just a little, I’m an anorexic. C) As much as $5 can buy, so not very much. D) 1 giant meal with sandwich and fries and a pickle, too.
3) How do you typically get around? A) The T-Link. B) I walk everywhere; I’m too poor to have a car. C) My car, well, my parent’s car. D) I beg my friends to drive me around.
7) If you were desperate to get your food what would you do? A) I would harass my roommates until they went with me (safety in numbers, after all). B) I would run from my apartment to the Strip. C) I’d go to the closest place to my location and bother people in line to let me cut. D) I would drunkenly go to the place with the brightest sign.
4) When you’re hungry you eat with... A) People at the restaurant, I’ve decided we’re all friends. B) The folks I partied with. C) My roommates, that way I can eat their food too. D) Myself, I don’t need someone to hold my hand when I eat.
8) What is the best drink to go along with your food choice? A) Milk shake, it brings the boys to the yard. B) Wine and beer, I like to forget what I ate. C) Water, all the money goes to food. D) Good ole Coca Cola, nothin’ beats that.
By: Lindsey Fleck
1. A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 2. A=3 B=1 C=4 D=2
3. A=2 B=1 C=4 D=3 4. A=4 B=3 C=2 D=1
5. A=4 B=1 C=3 D=2 6. A=3 B=1 C=2 D=4
7. A=2 B=1 C=4 D-3 8. A=3 B=4 C=1 D=2
answers:
0-10 Points: taco bell
You are Taco Bell to a tee. You love the beeflike food substance that is available and just the right price for your college budget. So your dog’s food may be better quality, but you don’t care because Taco Hell supplies you with a crunchy taco for 89 cents and lets you live mas.
11-21 Points: cook-out
You are the lovely Cook-Out. You were devastated when the place caught on fire last year, because you didn’t know how you would survive. Cook-Out is the best place to get any type of food imaginable, and it all tastes so good.
21-32 Points: Gus’S Good Times Deli
Sure, there is the chance you might get drunk taxed, but that is just a risk you have to take to get one of those gigantic, yummy sandwiches.
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The Top 10 Things That Happened on Campus this Year
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This has been an exciting year for UT, it’s always a welcome change to have more things happen than just going to class, eating, sleeping, and repeating. Here is a list of the top 10 things that have happened here on good ole’ rocky top this semester. 10.) Valarium Closing: Though not a part of campus, many students frequent this spot for dancing, partying, and watching concerts. The removal of this will not only change the social scene of Knox, but also the overall routine of ass-to-crotch grinding we all got so used to. 9.) HSS renovations: We gotta tell ya, those swivel chairs are the neatest new installment to UT’s campus. If you start falling asleep, you just keep twirling in a circle until you wake up. Plus they inspire the greatest game of tag ever, and give us an excuse for puking in an academic building besides accidentally being drunk. 8.) Commons reopening: It took long enough, but the commons in Hodges is finally up and running, and looking more like a place you’ll spend too much time in, having anxiety attacks about that essay you haven’t finished. 7.) Most yards given up at Troy game: When a record is broken for UT against a team like Troy, there’s somethin’ wrong. Over 720 yards is a big number, guys. But we’ll blame Dooley and get on with our lives… It was all Dooley! Dooley is the worst!
ns Spacious 1 & 2 Bedroom Floor Pla Private Patios & Balconies Wood Burning Fireplaces Walk-in Closets Washer & Dryer Connections
Two Pools Health & Fitness Center Additional Storage Available 24- Hour Emergency Maintenance We’re Pet Friendly!
1 MONTH FREE!MONTH LEASE
ITH A 12 ON ALL FLOOR PLANS W
6.) Construction: We know you feel like you’re never going to not see construction everywhere until after you graduate, and we’re here to tell you that that’s probably true. We will always find something to tear down, take four years to rebuild it, and spend all of your tuition in the meantime. Go Vols. 5.) Greatest Catch of All Time: Naturally, the Florida game was going to be super entertaining/a huge beat down, but when Bray threw the ball right into Dooley’s hands, it was definitely the highlight of the season, especially after he spiked it. If Dooley said something while he spiked that thang, it probably was along the lines of “F*ck this noise!” Or “Hope I don’t get fired!” 4.) Pat Summitt gets Presidential Award: Pat Summitt has made another great contribution to the Lady Vols and UT as a whole, and deserves every bit of recognition we can offer. One of the strongest women alive rightfully gets the Presidential Award... that’s legit. Maybe she can coach football? 3.) The Today Show: Kathie Lee made a stop at UT’s campus, causing quite the stir. People waited outside for like 3 hours just to have their hand get some airtime. Just goes to show how awesome we are… Kathie Lee is the drunk one, right? 2.) Dooley getting the boot: We had high hopes for this orange-panted classy man, but he came up short this season, and thus was fired. He done messed up, bless his heart. Now we can all look forward to an increase in tuition, so we can throw more money at the next coach. Hooray… go Vols... 1.) Butt chugging: Ok, so this was semi-serious, but when your university gets nationally known for some moron putting tubes up his butt and getting drunker than Lindsay Lohan, it’s kind of funny. The best part may or may not be his father refuting the claim that his butthole was to’ up from the flo’ up.
Katie Vaughn wrote this
NTOWN! W O D D N A T U M O FR S 5 MINUTE
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the madlib Darth Va-Dooley: Sssshhh schcoo. My Lord, our mission is almost complete; the Vols are all but in ruins. Soon, ___1___ will rule the entire SEC. There will be statues of ___2___ on every campus in our honor, and students will be forced to take classes in ___3___.
theblacksheeponline.com
A long time ago, in an SEC school far, far away… (Peww Peww) (Crash) Coach Han Cuonzo: Hold it right there you ___12___! You almost had us, but you forgot the power of the force… the basketball force. Jedi Skylar will use his ___13___ to defeat your army. Our team of ___14___will regain honor for the planet of UT and defend the ___15___ against the darkness!
Sith Lord Mike Hamilton: Yes! My original apprentice, Darth Kiffin, nearly failed us. We didn’t anticipate his weakness for ___4___, which the USC had an abundance of. But now we are Darth Va-Dooley: Skylar, I am your ___16___. nearing victory, our army of ___5___ droids grows with every passing day. Our secret weapon, the Jedi Skylar: Noooooooo! great ___6___ cannon is nearly complete. With it, we will launch ___7___at anyone who opposes us. (Epic battle commences) Darth Va-Dooley: Sssshhh schcoo. The fools are still paying us too! Although I’ve asked them to pay me in ___8___, which is all I can eat after my ___9___accident. If it weren’t for that accident, I would have never ___10___so much ___11___ and turned to the dark side.
Coach Han Cuonzo: Hahaha! Now we shall rule UT our way… with ___17___! Darth Va-Dooley, you should have known you would never get away with your evil schemes. Now let’s go beat ___18___, Vols!
1) non-Utk athletics school 2) Famous figure 3) Language 4) plural noun 5) Adjective 6) Noun 7) Plural of #6 8) plural Noun 9) Verb ending in -ing 10) Past tense verb 11) Food 12) Derogatory term 13) Noun 14) Plural noun 15) Plural noun 16) Family member 17) Noun 18) Sports team vols hate
are you smarter than? economics professor ken baker 1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.
6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.
2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.
7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.
3) Geology: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces of rock make up the Earth’s crust? 4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle. 5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.
correct answers:
8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest? 9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as? 10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.
1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the edge of a circle to its center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle. 5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus
ken’s answers 1) Texas School Book Depository. 2) Not sure. 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the outside of a circle to it’s center, diameter is the distance across a circle,
and circumference is the distance around a circle. 5) Milk homogonization. 6) Superman 7) William S. Burroughs 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) David Petraeus
ken's score: 6/10 correct
From the Streets
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How do you carry on your college lifestyle at home? “I have perfected my talking-to-parents poker face regardless of what influence I’m under. And wearing Uggz!” - Imre S., Junior
The Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Week utk staff wrote this We’re all on the brink of going insane due to the stress of exams and term papers. You’re not the only one about to give up all hope for getting that “A.” Finals suck with a capital suck. Some students have already cracked and submitted to the dark side of neglect, and have no more shits to give about any thing that has to do with school. Most are still out there grinding for that diploma, but are desperate for any activity that will temporarily take them away to their happy place, but those activities often involve some risky business. Believe it or not, there is no sharp looking old dude that gives out “Get Out of Jail Free” cards just because it’s the end of the semester and authorities should cut us some slack. So before you venture out to release all your drunken angst, beware of the most guaranteed ways to get arrested at UT. Streaking Through Hodges: Great idea for comic relief! However, this will not bring you legendary status at UT - over 90% of people who hear about your naked sprints won’t care to know your name, or even recognize it when they are told. While spreading laughter and cheer to prevent people from shoving pencils in their eyes is a kind of martyrdom, think again before you become a one-hit-wonder, forever telling that lame drunken story: “Yeah, I was that guy who the cops grabbed by the dick.” Don’t try to be that whole-assed hero who tries to do the suffering college world some good by shaking your genitals at the Starbucks barista, she’s a nice lady. Being Strung Out on Adderall on Campus: You know those people who look a little methy, depressed, and basically resemble something off of The Walking Dead? It’s because they haven’t slept in three days, have used Adderall as a meal substitute, and are now flipping their shit because some rainboot-wearing bitch is giggling to herself over some Bieber/Gangnam Style mashup video. Before you know it, an entire library shelf has been knocked all over Rainboots and her MacBook. All that’s left is that cracked-out soulless monster laughing like the Joker as the po po takes him away to the clinker. Think it’s not obvious? It is. Drugs are bad, mmmk?
“Using a sloop. ” - David B., Junior
Vandalizing that Weird Pedestrian Statue: No one has ever understood it, no one has ever loved it, and no one will ever care if it’s gone, right? When under mountains of stress, sometimes you get those manly urges… where you just have to punch something that isn’t a baby or a puppy or anything worth value to you. Taking out that anger you have towards your procrastination, your totally unfair TA, or just the “total scam” that is higher education by damaging school property sounds like a sure-fire way to feel better… and get arrested. Breaking Into Neyland: Totally on your college bucket list, right? No better way to put finals out of your mind than sneaking into the stadium. There’s so much room for activities! While forking the field may cause a prepubescent kid in Knox County to cream his jeans, the best idea would be to set a bunch of animals loose in there. Everyone knows the field has crazy security when it’s closed, like lasers and sensors and spikes and stuff... so having a pick-up game may not be the smartest idea. Therefore, it would be better to set loose some chickens, maybe a few wild stallions, and a bunch of the stray cats in town, because those are all very challenging creatures to capture. While this would definitely be legendary, it may not be the best time to try it out, considering the stadium has taken a huge hit to the moral gut this season. Authorities would probably expel and arrest the vandals if caught. Advice: take masks, animal snacks, and people who run slower than you. Big Orange. Big Ideas. If you want to escape the soul-sucking trap that goes by the name of Finals, be careful, because big risks have potentially bigger consequences with not so big rewards. Try some PG stuff out with your friends at the park, like Nerf sword wars or capture the flag. Make some tamer but effective drinking games out of the Christmas classics at home, and just do things that won’t get you arrested. So before you go to the extremes of butt-chugging (GO BEAT OFF YOUR OWN DEAD HORSE) to further forget what you already forgot in class, just make sure it’s worth the night in jail away from your more sensible friends, and very much with homeless Joe jacking off on your Sperrys.
“Eating late night snacks provided by my parents. ” - Sean K., Junior
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The Grid
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Thursday! $1.50 Chips & Salsa, $5.99 Burgers & Sandwiches, $2.50 Mexican Beers, $3 Jose Cuervo, $4 Margaritas
WEDNESDAY: Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
FRIDAY: NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
thurs. 12/6
Scott Chism & the Better Half at 8pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10pm
$2 Domestic Bottles
$1.50 Chips & Salsa $5.99 Burgers & Sandwiches $2.50 Mexican Beers $3 Jose Cuervo $4 Margaritas
SOUTHBOUND College Night! $2 Domestics & $4 Wells Until Midnight | 21 and up
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
FRIday 12/77
SIMO, Live! Doors at 8pm
$2.50 Blue Moon Drafts
$2 PBR Draft & $6 PBR Pitchers $3 Hannas Specialty Starters
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party 21 and up
NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
sat. 12/8
Space Capone, Live! Doors at 8pm Football on Big Screens All Day!
BEAT MIZZOU!
$2 PBR Draft & $6 PBR Pitchers $3 Hannas Specialty Starters
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party
NV Top 40 Dance Party 21 and up
J.C. and The Dirty Smokers, Doors at 8pm Free Pool All Day
NFL Sunday Ticket! $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
Check us out on Facebook at FB.com/hannas.cumberland
Check out CarleoEntertainment.com for Upcoming Events!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Half Price Pint Night
NFL MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL $5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day
Check us out on Facebook at FB.com/hannas.cumberland
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Sugar & the Hi-Lows and Gabe Dixon, Doors at 7pm Half Price Pint Night
Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
Check us out on Facebook at FB.com/hannas.cumberland
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
$1.50 PBR Tall Boys
50 cent wings $5.99 Burgers & Sandwiches $2 Domestic Pints, $3 Jack Daniels, $6 Pitchers
Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
WED. 12/12
tuesday monday 12/11 12/10
FRIDAY SIMO, Live! Doors at 8pm
sunday 12/9
SUNDAY! NFL Sunday Ticket!
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
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The Grid FRIDAY! FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
Thursday: Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
$6 Buzzballs, $5 Pitchers of Beer, $4 Soco & Lime $3 Wells, $2 Bud Light & Miller Lite Bottles $1 Shooter Girl Shots
WED: Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Featuring the $5 Dickel Tickle Every Day!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
Deconbrio and Cryogen Second Live at 10 pm Drink Specials $2.50 Yuengling Drafts
thursday 12/6
FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
La Basura del Diablo, Alucard, and Casket Kids, 10pm Drink Specials!
FRIday 12/7
Karaoke! $5 Liquor Pitchers ($3 Add Another Shot) $4 32oz Drafts, $4 Fireball Shots $3 Wells, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
Mobility Chief, Maps Need Reading, Yak Strangler, and Lines in the Sky, 9pm Drink Specials!
saturday 12/8
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax
Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
Visit www.thewellknoxville.com for upcoming events! Half Price Food - Drink Specials
sunday 12/9
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Open Mic Comedy hosted by Matt Ward, 10pm, FREE
monday 12/10
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
$2 Drafts
Bar Night! Drink Specials!
tuesday 12/11
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Enigmatic Foe with Coalition of Benevolence, 9pm, FREE! $5 Nachos, $5 Dickel Tickle Drink Specials!
WED. 12/12
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.
DJANGO UNCHAINED
KESHA - WARRIOR
WII U
Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox
lame
cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors
GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP
JaCK REACHER ANGELS AND AIRWAVES STOMPING THE PHANTOM BRAKE PEDAL
under-hyped
HOTLINE MIAMI
the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME
Home Alone
A Christmas Story
Take a drink any time a scene features hilarious head trauma. Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?” Take a drink when you notice product placement. Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey. Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting. Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall. Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”
Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams. Take a drink when Mom serves food. Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.” Take a drink when Randy whines or cries. Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker. Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference. Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up. Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose. Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story. Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced. Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting. Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys. Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.
Elf Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced. Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit. Take a drink when Buddy sings. Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to. Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned. Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them. Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas. Take a drink when something goes wrong. Take a drink when a calendar door is opened. Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose. Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree. Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie. Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation. Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.
The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument. Take a drink when a bell rings or a clock tolls. Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly. Take a drink when someone says “humbug,” “Ebenezer,” or “Scrooge.” Take a drink when Michael Caine gets teary-eyed. Take two drinks for each new ghost. Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes. Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”
Crazy
s ' n o s k c Uncle Ja
! ! ! a z n a n o b t e k s a
b t f i g 0 $2
Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a Scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?
for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”
• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it. • 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early. • 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it. • 1 4gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.
for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her. • 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to
protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun. • 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close. • 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box. • 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.
for the Brokest of Bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change. • 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving. • 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha sauce ($3): Everything he eats
may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms. • 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache. • 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.
for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet. • 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix
this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays. • 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not. • 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit. • 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”
for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick? • 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you
by morning. • 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night? • 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important. • 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.
for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday -- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do. • 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can. • 4 Random shirts from the local
Goodwill ($4): When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings. • 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one. • 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.
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All We Want for Christmas is a New Head Coach utk staff wrote this We started out the football season so joyously hopeful, so naively optimistic. We proudly sported our orange pants and started chants of “It’s great to be a Tennessee Vol!” everywhere we went. And then, ever since that fateful second half of the Florida game, it’s all gone downhill. The hopes were high for some awesome games this season. Neyland has never seen so many devastated tears streaming down the faces of fully grown men… crying over the $5,000 bet they just lost to some Gator dickwad, or simply because they built up all that hope only to be dick-slapped in the face like some trifling ho. Vol Nation, as orange-ly as it bleeds, was shattered. Obviously, we’re looking for someone to blame. Some choose to place the blame on the players, others on the lack of enthusiasm of the fans for not sacrificing enough virgins to the football gods. But let’s be honest: Just like our overly conservative grandparents who like to blame Obama for anything from hurricanes to Denny’s having no toilet paper in their bathroom, we blame the head honcho - Dooley. Apparently those in charge like to take this approach as well - as we all know, Dooley’s been sacked. But this has left us with a gaping void in our collective orange pants, and students and fans alike are
frothing at the mouth waiting for someone to fill that hole. All we really, really want is to have a good team that can beat down Florida, ‘Bama, and all of our other enemies…er, rivals. But to do this we need a true leader, someone who can lead us out of these tough times and into a brighter future. We can’t make the same mistakes we made with Dooley – we should have seen that coming: Dooley - it sounds like a kid’s toy. We need a man’s name like Clause, or Beardmon, or Gruden. So please, Santa, or the Gods of Christmas, or Hanukkah Harry, just grant us this one wish. Hopefully it doesn’t depend on if we’ve been naughty or nice, but our Vol Spirit should be enough to get us a good coach for Christmas. And frankly, in respect to other football programs out there (cough PSU, USC, OSU), we’ve been pretty goddamn nice. This will take a true Christmas miracle, so everybody had better send all their letters to Santa and put “amazing head coach for the Vols” before their Xboxes, iPhones, and “sex with human girls.” We need some real Whoville shit going down in Knox if we’re to appeal to the Christmas Football Gods and get a halfway decent new coach. We’re talking gathering in Neyland Stadium, holding hands and chanting that “Fa-roo-dor-ay” song. And instead of “Welcome
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Christmas, come this way” we’ll sing “Welcome Gruden, come this way!” That should do the trick, right? Maybe sacrafice a few more virgins at the 50-yard line while chanting “Gruuu-den. Gruuu-den.” C’mon guys, isn’t finally having a decent season and an actual SEC win more important than any of those things? Survive without the newest piece of shit for one year, and make a sacrifice that would help rebuild a nation. Think the overall happiness this will bring next season and beyond. Think of being drunk in jubilation after football games, instead of drunk in shame and confused anger. All you Scrooges and Grinch bitches GTFO because this is the season of getting what you want, and it will happen if you just believe.
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