Vol. 4, Issue 12
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E LOS ... LIKE SO F YO M O U R UR NIN BRA G T CKE HE T.
4/3/14 - 4/9/14
CHEEK FOLDS DINING DOLLARS GAMBLING DEN AUSTIN McLAURINE WROTE THIS
Hot off of spring break, thirty-seven students have been arrested and charged with participating in an illegal gambling scheme on campus. The illegal gambling den was found running shop in an abandoned computer lab located in the bowels of Presidential Court. The names of the students in charge of setting up the ring have not been released. The gambling ring was discovered after a student complained to the finance office that they had lost all of their money to other students. When asked how he lost the Dining Dollars he responded with a long drawn out “uhhhhhh” and vague, evasive answers. University authorities were immediately notified and Jimmy Cheek’s private squad of gangbusters was let loose on campus to uncover the ring. Upon the discovery of the converted computer lab, an officer vaguely recollected the room’s existence, noting, “In the late 90s I had seen a bunch of people in there once with loud music and weird costumes, but I assumed it was just the current trend and that they were studying. Kids have always been weird.” The other officers nodded in agreement. Members of the ring— students and faculty alike— had found a way to transfer Dining Dollars into each other’s accounts and were using them to gamble on games such as poker, blackjack, and water pong (those in charge decided to observe the dry campus rule). Suspicion arose when students were buying multiple meals a day from Rocky Top in the UC, drawing attention to their fat electronic wallets. Rocky Top had also started to attract a group of students reminiscent of prohibition-era gangsters who would stay in corner booths all day, strong-arming evasive losers who owed vig and using antiquated phrases like, “whaddaya say?” It is also rumored that there are currently counterfeit Dining Dollars floating around campus; the school has alerted the Secret Service of the threat. They didn’t really seem to care. An investigation into who actually started the ring has brought few answers to the surface, but Mr. Cheek has also been accused of setting the operation up, only to have lackey students take the fall. By bringing an end to it, he was able to safely back out of the misdeed without being caught. The Black Sheep received records of his Dining Dollar account use and we can report a large quantity of his money has been spent on overpriced snacks from the POD markets across campus. When questioned about the accusation, Cheek responded “The house always wins... uh, I mean that’s what happens when you get in with a rough crowd. A lot of poor students lost a lot of money. And who doesn’t like buying ice cream
candy bars multiple times a day?” It is yet to be determined what will happen to those in charge of running the gambling ring and the many students and faculty who participated in it. However, since it can be assumed that the university doesn’t want to lose and students—therefore losing valuable tuition money—they will probably all be let off with a warning and left to deal with their significantly reduced Dining Dollars for the duration of the rest of the semester. We can only hope that this doesn’t spark an attack on the non-freshmen and their carefully hoarded stores of All Star accounts.
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PAGES 10-11
JUST THE TIPS: A SPRING CLEANING GUIDE
CALLING YOUR BLUFF ON CALLING QUITS
TYRION LANNISTER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE
EITHER CALL YO’ MAMA FOR HELP OR GET THEM KNEES, BOY.
YOUR DREAMS OF DROPPING OUT OF COLLEGE ARE ABOUT REAL AS YOUR ID.
DRINKING BEER AND SCREWING? IS THIS WESTEROS OR COLLEGE?
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JUST THE TIPS:
A SPRING CLEANING GUIDE SCOTT HANNAH WROTE THIS
After several false alarms it looks like winter just might be behind us. If this is the real deal we can look forward to all the glory of spring. That is, if you can see out your window from all the crap you’ve piled up over winter. During the winter no one cared if you left empty two-liters around or piled up laundry to the roof because your two main activities were playing Halo with your roommates and turning up the heat. But now if you’re looking to have friends over they might be a little more judgmental of your application to Hoarders that you call a room. Getting rid of these unnecessaries can help make your shitty apartment look spring-weather worthy, so get started!
participated in drinking it, just like everyone else.
Clothes: So the Tom Brady Ugg collection isn’t for you? No problem. That’s what this time is all about, erasing the past so no one has to know what you thought would be cool but was absolutely horrendous. Also, did you know you get a tax write-off if you donate clothes to Goodwill? You know, for those of you who work between Halo sessions. So not only are you contributing to future theme parties where kids will ironically wear the clothes you legitimately thought were cool, but you’re practically getting paid to do it.
Futon: We know that letting go is hard, especially letting go of something that has been through so much with you, like your futon. But any futon that has been through the good times has also seen more than its fair share of bad times, too. And maybe if you’re lucky enough you’ll find a freshman who’s not aware of enough of the bad times, and he’s willing to buy it off of you. Once again Goodwill is your friend in this situation, because 9 times out of 10 the worst couch that’s only been stabbed a few times will look classier than a “nice” new futon to replace the one you sold on Craigslist.
Trophy Bottles: We’re aware that some people need a little alcohol in their system to get the courage to have fun at a party or bar, but then why do you continue to need the bottle? To seem more interesting? As a replacement for a personality? Empty bottles of alcohol are the equivalent to participation on the trophy hierarchy. Trophies generally mean you were better than most people at something, while having empty beer bottles does not prove that you were better at “beer” than most other people, just that you also have
Bedroom: Sweeping crumbs under the rug or under your bed was acceptable for the last five months, but now it’s time to actually get under there and remove them from your room. Mice are only good pets to have if you actually bought them from a pet store, not if they’ve just taken up residence in your apartment. If you ever plan on having an actual house someday, you’ll learn that you can’t just use old McDonald’s take out bags as trash cans. And trust us, the only thing worse than trophy bottles of alcohol are the trophy Taco Bell wrappers from the night you downed that supposedly amazing beer.
It may seem hard to drag your ass off the couch for yet another Netflix marathon session, but won’t your mom be impressed when she visits and can actually see your floor? Just putting in a little bit of effort can make a significant difference. She might even give you a pass on that anthro grade, a D looks much better when you tell her you forgot about the test because you were cleaning your apartment.
AROUND CAMPUS
THE
TOP
TEN
WAYS TO GET THE PED STATUE TAKEN DOWN KATZ PAJAMAZ WROTE THIS
That statue. That swirly fuck of a statue in the middle of Ped Walkway –close to the seal, Hodges, HSS, Starbucks, and every other part of campus we call dear. We should have done away with it years ago. We must do something about it now, before we graduate, before we have to show our kids the school we went to that has a purposeless sun/star in the middle of campus. These means of getting rid of it aren’t perfect, but it’s a start. Any other suggestions are welcome. 10.) Student Orgy: That’ll deflower their precious statue and really create a stir. It’ll be a remembrance of premarital sex and unruly young adult behavior with all the leftover jizz and unidentified juices smeared everywhere. After, it’ll have to be taken down.
CALLING YOUR BLUFF
ON CALLING IT QUITS MEAGAN DAWSON WROTE THIS
Growing up we were all told time and time again that we could be anything we want. We have been lied to. Hard work and determination aren’t always enough to achieve your goals. You can pull three allnighters a week, get a tutor, even quit drinking (bless your heart), but that 4.0 you had in high school will still elude you. After two years of working your ass off to barely make grades you begin to wonder; is it really worth it? You’re not alone–every college student has flirted with the idea of quitting at one time or another. Luckily, you have a few options. The first is to take a page from Nike’s playbook and just do it. There’s no time like the present, so slam that textbook shut and storm out of Hodges library, screaming obscenities to the sky! And if you really want to stick it the man, walk out to the sound of Alice Cooper, because school’s out forever, you moneygrubbing bitches. Sure an education, or at least a game plan, would help you pay rent, seeing as your parents will disown you after that blatant display of disrespect for all the money and hard work it took them to get your dumb ass to UT in the first place… But at least you’re free. Option number two is much less rash. Before making any decisions to straight-out stop attending class, wait until you’re running on more than one hour of sleep and think. Ask yourself the important questions; what will you do instead of college? How will you tell your parents? Are you really in good enough shape to be a stripper? Or worse, what won’t you do for money? Start planning for the
06
future; take a pole dancing “exercise” class, memorize the dollar menu at local fooderies, study the art of gold digging, lower your standards. Most importantly, finish out the semester—the guillotine’s blade hangs right over the horizon—in order to give yourself time to get your “college isn’t for everyone” speech down for mom and dad. Then, after turning in that last final, walk out middle fingers to the heavens. The one fingeredsalute really is the only acceptable way to say goodbye to the U.S. higher education system.
“If you really want to stick it the man, walk out to the sound of Alice Cooper, because school’s out forever, you money-grubbing bitches.” Your last option is to just suck it up until you graduate. You’ve either realized that you actually like school (partying) or that you don’t have the cojones to actually make a move. Either way, you’re in it to win it. Honestly, it doesn’t take much to win it though; remember kids, C’s get degrees. So do D’s. And if your family’s loaded, F’s work too. Then, if you still want to be a stripper, own it. Seriously, with your hard-earned accounting degree you’ll take over the strip club, and be rolling in George Washingtons in no time. Dropping out is a choice that every student wrestles with. In the end, you’re the only one that knows what’s best for you. After all, it’s your life. And remember when you’re making your decision—you can do anything you set your mind to, even being the best stripper in the world. Well, you might need implants first.
9.) Poop War: We can organize a poop war, similar to a campus-wide water balloon fight… but with poop. If monkeys can do it, so can we. The brown color will dim the horrendous yellow light fixture that’s dangling from the swirly metal. 8.) Smokin’ the Pots: You know how the freeloaders and potheads smoke next to the vent slightly to the left of the statue? If we made the statue the new cool place to do nothing but smoke loads of pot, the university would have to take it down to prevent more students from becoming menaces to society. 7.) Turn It Into Real Art: Those poor art students who spend hours upon hours in the Art and Architecture building need to focus their energy on the statue to turn in into something legit. They can mess with all that swirly metal and make something constructive like a giant condom or a power T. That’ll really make the students appreciate their walk to class. 6.) Jimmy Cheek Face: Turning it into a monument to our overlord—ahem—chancellor. Jimmy Cheek Face will probably be just as offensive as blackface to our students. The sun/star could be turned into a wiener—just anything that’s more aesthetically pleasing than its current form. 5.) Smokey’s House: If we rip out a middle part of the swirly metal and toss in a couple big dog bones, we could turn it into Smokey’s official doghouse. Students can come up to the door, knock and get the biggest high five of their lives from Smokey himself. 4.) Designated Preaching Spot: If we told all the preachers that came to campus they were only allowed to spread their message of vitriolic “love” next to the statue it would only be a matter of days before students rip it down. If they have nowhere to be, they can’t tell us we’re all devil-worshipping whores. 3.) Complaining Parents: Any educational system absolutely hates getting complaints from parents about how unsatisfied their children are. If we get enough parents to call the school at five-minute intervals during the day, they’re going to have to take it down. 2.) Gator Pit: The hard part would be getting ahold of a few gators, but when we do we can construct a gator pit inside of the swirly metal. Slowly but surely students will start getting limbs chomped off as the gators grow throughout the year. Before you know it the statue will have to go for fear of another lawsuit. Not to mention, Vols hate all gators on principle. 1.) Blame Others: A volunteer band of misfits can cover the statue in red and white spray paint with “roll tide roll,” “f*ck UT,” “BAMA,” and other stupid phrases branded on it. We can blame the handiwork on Alabama students. It’s foolproof, why would UT students ever deface their own campus?
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE GROSSEST THING YOU’VE EVER PUT UP WITH TO GET SOME? Paul
“Tequila shots.”
Shleby
“Nothing, really.”
Steven
“Hairy armpits.”
07
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JACKSON AVE. MARKET
THE BAR GRID BLACKSTOCK For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
During All March Madness Games: $2 Miller Light Drafts, $0.50 Wings
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
Thursday 4/3
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$4.50 Vodka Bombs $2 Bottles $7 Double Vodka Red Bull
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Friday 4/4
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm! Devan Buddy Honeycutt Trio, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers All Night $5 Double LIT
GO VOLS! Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
Saturday 4/5
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Will Yager, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite & Coors Original Pitchers All Night $2.50 Jim Beam Drinks
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
SPECIAL NIGHT
Sunday 4/6
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts & $2.50 Wells, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers All Day
Monday 4/7
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers from 9pm-closing
Tuesday 4/8
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Wednesday 4/9
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Nick Swafford, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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Fort Sanders Yacht Club
THE BAR GRID Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
SAT: Disco Night!
Saturday and Sunday: Brunch 10am - 4pm Over 30 Menu Items, Create Your Own Brunch!
Everyday: $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
FRIDAY! Carolina Still, Filthy Still, Blackwater Roots, 9pm, $5
Ladies Night! 1/2 off everything for women! Beer and appetizers 4pm-close Liquor and wine 4pm-10pm 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville DJ and Dancing starting at 9!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Killians Red & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Sweet Water IPA & More!)
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Lager/Lite/Bockbeer, Mich Amber & More!) $3 Imports (Fat Tire, Shiner White Wing, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
Brunch 10am - 4pm, $3 Mimomas 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm. Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-of-the-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, New Belgium 1554/Spring Blond & More!)
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
Salome Cabaret 10pm, $10
Best Brunch in Downtown Knoxville! 10am - 4pm Home of the $3 Mimosa
Open 12 - 6 $5 Hookah! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Knoxville Storytellers Songwriter Open Mic 7pm, FREE!
Open at 8pm! Video Game Tournament Night - Winner Receives $12 Bar Credit! PLUS HAPPY HOUR FROM 8-10:30!
Sunday 4/6
Try our new spring menu!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!), $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Stella, Sweet Water IPA & More!) $5 Hookah Sessions!
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Comedy Con Queso Comedy - Stand-Up Open Mic, 9pm. FREE
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Monday 4/7
1/2 off large pizza from 4-close - Dine in only Scarecrow Winter Games! Play our games and have a chance to win a grand prize trip to Las Vegas!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Yuengling Lager/ Lite & More!), $3 Imports (New Belgium Fat Tire/1554/ Spring Blond & More!)
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Improv Comey Show, 8pm, FREE!
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Tuesday 4/8
1/2 off bottles of wine 4pm - 10pm Excluding house bottles
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Bockbeer, Mich Amber, & More!), $3 Imports (Shiner White Wing, Blue Moon, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
Rachel Kate and TBA 9pm
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & Ciders are $1 off!
Wednesday 4/9
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
SPECIAL NIGHT
Michelle Easterday, Ben Maney and Friends, The Oarsmen, 9pm
Bring Your Own Vinyl and Record Swap Night + Weekly Raffle for $25 Gift Certificate to Wild Honey Records $1 OFF ALL IMPORTS!!
Thursday 4/3
Carolina Still, Filthy Still, Blackwater Roots, 9pm, $5
Live Music Nights! (please PM for booking)
Friday 4/4
Disco Night!
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Saturday 4/5
Tyrion Lannister’s
GUIDE TO COLLEGE HANNAH WEYER WROTE THIS
When picking idols from Westeros, it’s very important that you choose wisely. Taking advice from Walder Frey seems harmless when you’re shtupping sixteen-year-olds, but if you’re not careful, you could end up [SEASON 3 SPOILER ALERT] mass-murdering your King and his entire posse at his uncle’s wedding. And listening to Theon Greyjoy could get your wiener cut off and sent to your dad. It’s a tricky business. That’s why it’s important to recognize the magnificence of Tyrion Lannister, our pocket-sized Westerosi idol. Tyrion not only has never killed anyone that we liked, he lives his life by a code we can really get behind: “Fuck bitches, get money.” He’s a clever little imp with a shitty dad and incestuous siblings (something we can all relate to) and he knows how to work the business-end of a shield. Is this wine-logged, scar-faced dwarf great? Yes. The greatest? Absolutely. A standard we should hold ourselves to the rest of our lives? Pretty much. Let’s all model our lives after our favorite little monster, starting with college!
F*CK BITCHES:
Take what you can get, man. Tyrion understands the importance of poon, make no mistake. Bitches’ cold asses belong on the wall though, because they won’t touch the pintsized player. Does this bother tiny Tyrion? Bitch please. Nothing cramps this Lion’s style. When ladies don’t respond to his smooth moves, Tyrion takes his dang-ding-dong to a hooker house. He spewnds a medium-sized fortune on hookers every year, not because he got his wittle feewings hurt and needs numbing no-nos, but because he knows that to keep his brain running at optimum levels he has to bone on the reg. We can all learn something from that.
GET MONEY:
When your bank account is bottomless, so is your beer. When your beer is bottomless, so is your weekend. To party like a rock star, you need to write un-bounced checks like a rock star. How? Tyrion suggests being born a Lannister. But if you’re a loser that can’t be born a Lannister, marry a Lannister. Bang a Lannister. Blackmail a Lannister. Entertain a Lannister. Pretend to be a Lannister. Make shoes for a Lannister. Somehow get a Lannister indebted to you, because a Lannister always pays his debts. God, you really do need to find a rich friend or two.
DRINK:
Drinking is good for you. It relieves stress, protects you from dealing with your sister sober and isn’t cholera-laced water that will kill you dead. But don’t be drinking whatever like some idiot Baratheon. No, the Imp has some ground rules: 1.) Being drunk all the time is not easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Earn your drunkenness. 2.) Everything is better with a belly full of wine, especially your parents. 3.) Start with the cocktails and don’t touch the
cheap crap until you’re too drunk to know the difference. Don’t be a noob.
BE CLEVER:
You’re in college because you’re smart, and you’re smart because you have to compensate for that face somehow. See what we did there? That there was Grade-A eloquent snark. The clever insult is Tyrion’s bread and butter, and it can be yours too if you stop acting like a dumbass. Get your head out of that prostitute’s lice-filled crotch and into your books! A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone, and honey, the sharper yours is, the more quickly you can cut through idiot [insert rival school nickname here]’s. “Maybe if you didn’t want to get pissed on, you should have worn better shoes. You banal troglodyte.” There, there’s your first one. You’re welcome.
HIT BELOW THE BELT:
Yeah, that’s a short joke. So sue us.
BE PATIENT:
Don’t have a “short” temper. Boom! There’s another one!
TYRION IS EXTREMELY SHORT:
Hahaha! We are on FIRE with these jokes!
PERSPECTIVE :
College seems enormous, and every little quiz is like another monster exam. Every little fling is a promise, every little hurdle a mountain, every little STD, AIDS. That’s exaggerating, and you’re a drama queen. Stop being a drama queen. Find the biggest obstacle you can find and laugh in its face until it feels self conscious and runs away. Face a horde of dirty, smelly mountain men and charm them to your side. Climb a mile-high ice wall and piss off the edge, you crazy bastard you! When
you get to the top, everyone else looks super small for a change! Pee on them!
DRINK MORE:
Woohoo! Wine makes everything wonderful! Beer makes everyone beautiful! Vodka makes everything...vanguard! If you plan on going through life without getting taller, prettier or richer, you’d better start doing it drunker, and we don’t mean white-girl drunker! Drinking is serious business. No one’s going to take you seriously if six ales turn you into a giggly country music-listener. That’s not good drinking. That’s not appropriate behavior. Master the art of being drunk constantly. The constant drunk, like our favorite Lion, can double fist both beers AND significant plot-affecting conversations. Get to that level.
DRINK MORE:
Why are you still sober enough to read this?
SELF-ESTEEM:
Be realistic—if you’re short, be short; if you’re a dick, be a dick; if you can’t rap fo’ crap, be white. Own the shit you get shit for, because if you open with, “Hi, I’m Dennis and I can’t grow a beard,” no one’s going to turn around and say, “Wow, Dennis should change his name to “Denise,” because that is one girly face.” They won’t be all, “Do you think he has a testosterone deficiency? That poor girly bastard, let’s Photoshop boobs on his Facebook picture.” They can’t be like, ‘Did you see Denise’s mustache? Haha, she thinks she’s a guy, haha,’ because you’ve already covered that. “If you turn your weakness into armor, it can’t be used to hurt you,” unless your weakness is, like, iron maidens or something.
FAMILY:
Tyrion Lannister knows very well that family is the number one priority. Even if your sister’s a bitch that does the do with her twin,
your twinbred nephew has the personality of poisoned cake, your mother is dead and your father wishes you were dead, family has to come first because they’re the ones with the non-delinquent bank account. Yeah, Dad, I’m disappointed in my choice of career paths too. Can you help me out with rent this month?
DRAGONS:
Are dragons a metaphor for power? A symbol of the a-changing times? Heroin? It doesn’t matter. Dragons are real, and you should ignore everybody who says they’re not. Follow your dragons to the ends of the earth. Hijack them. Fly them back. Destroy everyone who ever called you fat in middle school. Burn them. Cook them. Let your dragon feast onwait, what were we talking about?
HAVE FUN:
Are you drunk yet? The best part of a functional alcoholism like Tyrion’s is that he can do all the same shit a sober Lannister can do, but he gets to do it with whiskey goggles, so it seems remarkably less shitty! Imagine being able to go to work without fantasizing about burning Taco Bell to the ground! Laughing at your geology professor’s rock jokes! Making small talk with the scary guy that’s always in the laundry room corner! The world is yours to laugh at, dance with, party on and mash erogenous zones with, so why be sad and sober? When you have serenaded yourself, drunk yourself happy, tamed some hardcore strange, found your dragon and boobs, read an awesome book, rented a couple dozen hookers, bought a couple dudes, tolerated your family, climbed a mountain, rolled around in gold coins, danced with your demons and killed a dude with a shield, THEN you will be as happy, as perfect and as awesome as Tyrion Lannister.
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Relationship Status: Single Major: Communications
BARTENDER
Favorite Drink: LIT Favorite Shot: Buttery nipple Disgusting Drink: Anything with whiskey Why do you think people like Fireball so much?: It’s easy to down a whole fifth.
ROCKSTAR
Fill in this blank: “I wish Back Door had a sign that said, “No____ allowed”: Bullshit What’s the best thing you’ve ever cooked by yourself?: Really good brownies. Any message you’d like to send to your worst enemy?: You’ll pay, you’ll all pay. What do you think Miley Cyrus smells like?: Cotton candy.
OF THE WEEK
What’s the grossest thing you’d stick your hand in a box of?: Dip spit. How would society be different if pants had never been invented?: World peace.
Mary of Back Door Tavern
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Dictionary!
Special Time ‘Cakes
Werds kan b haard sumtimez. Butt if u no how 2 make da werds work gud then u shuld plai is game 4real.
Hey there, happy birthday! It is your birthday, right? Or at least your fake ID’s birthday? Whatever, it’s another day and it’s another reason to be merry. So celebrate because you didn’t fall on your face walking to class, or because the internet exists, or because it’s almost 4/20. Whatever honorary holiday you make up, you’re going to need some sprinkles in your life, and that’s where we come in.
What You’ll Need: A dictionary, or a dictionary app on your phone. WE GET IT DARREN, YOU’RE RICH. Number of Players: Anywhere between two and a number that can only be defined by your imagination. Level of Intoxication: DARREN, DID YOU SHIT IN THE FLOWERPOT AGAIN? FUCK. How to Play: - One person begins as the guesser. - Have one player open up the dictionary to a random page, then point to a random word. Or, do the equivalent of whatever this is on the app you’re using. - If you’re using an app, remember the definition of this word, then randomly generate two other words. - If you’re using a real dictionary, then read the words immediately above and below the randomly chosen word. - Have the reader give the guesser his word - Have the reader recite these three definitions to the guesser. - In one guess the guesser must guess the correct definition of this word. - If the guesser guesses incorrectly, he must drink. - If the guesser guesses correctly, all other participants must drink.
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Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s a cool paper.
What You Need: 1 cup Bisquick pancake mix, 1 cup Funfetti Super Moist cake mix, 3 (or more) tablespoons rainbow sprinkles, 1 cup milk, 1 teaspoon vanilla, 2 eggs, 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar, 2 teaspoons milk, other toppings you think would be great on pancakes, like chocolate chips (or fruit, we guess). Cook Time: 20 to 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: They’re pretty, just like you are on the inside. Let’s Get Baked! - Heat your skillet over medium-high heat. - Grease with cooking spray or butter. - In a bowl, mix together the pancake mix, cake mix, rainbow sprinkles, milk, vanilla and eggs until blended. Be sure to not over-blend (something a mom told us once, so trust). - Grab a 1/4 cup measuring cup, and pour slightly less than that onto the hot griddle. - Cook until the edges start to dry and get bubbly. Don’t overcrowd the pan with pancakes unless you want one massive pancake (fine by us). Remember, patience is a virtue. - Flip those puppies over, and cook until golden brown. - Meanwhile, make your glaze by mixing together the powdered sugar and milk. - Top your stack of pancakes with glaze and add additional sprinkles and other toppings.
The Game Ends When: You make it from A to Z.
You’re definitely going to want to Instagram the end result. Bitches love sprinkles and #specialtimecakes.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
SWEET, SWEET LOVE
HOOKING-UP WITH YOUR TA:
THE FIVE STAGES TBS STAFF WROTE THIS
Banging your TA is probably on your college bucket list, as it should be. You had a teacher in high school that you totally wanted to bone but the age gap was way too wide, and he was married with two kids. So now, here, in college, this is your time—now there’s someone who is your academic superior, but closer to you in age: Your TA. Just know that it’s not all sunshine and perfect grades. Here are the five stages when you’re expecting some sweet lovin’ from your TA. Stage One: The Meeting: You’ve told yourself that in order to get laid consistently, it’s important that you’re easy and open to new experiences. It’s Monday, your favorite night to go out, and you’ve successfully made it into the knickers of some miscellaneous person you bonded with over shots at Rick’s. Rolling off of the foreign bed and crashing to the floor in a haze, you look at the clock and remember you have class in 40 minutes. It’s now that he mentions that he also has class… in the same building, same room. It’s your TA. Stage Two: Realization: Of course this isn’t just any class, this is COM 225, a class on interpersonal communication that preaches how to achieve a healthy, safe relationship (spoiler alert: this situation is not what the professors advise). After laughing at the ridiculousness of your life until you have a well-sculpted six pack, you make your way to class with the partner, and you think everyone knows what you two were up to (they probably do). You sit in his eye line, and of course the topic is about falling in love, and the dangers of hookups and forming actual relationships, so you just keep giggling because there is nothing else to do except take notes. But why? You’re banging the TA. Stage Three: Continuation: After allowing this whole thing to actually sink in, it gets pretty awesome. Telling people you’re “going to office
hours” means you’re going to bang for a halfhour, and leverage becomes commonplace: “you could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam…” It’s pretty great, if you’re into that kind of thing. Whether they’re actually in charge of your grades or not, you’re going to do better on the next exam because you can take the Billy Madison approach to studying, stripping for the right answers. Hey, positive incentives work. Stage Four: Weirdness: You thought this was going to be four-points and foreplay the whole time? Nope, it gets weird. One of you mentions a concept from class and things get uncomfortable. It actually occurs to you that this is your TA. It’s starting to seem a lot like banging your boss, except instead of monetary promotion, you just get a few extra points on your problem set. Like it or not, they’re one step above you once you walk in that lecture hall, and in the end, that sucks. Stage Five: Ending It: Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. It was a great run, definitely an experience for bragging, something to cross off the bucket list, but you have bigger things to start doing. It’s time to focus on banging on the 50-yard line, taking a dump ain all campus bathrooms, and punching a Gator in the face. So you call it quits over a high five and exchange delightful pleasantries every Tuesday and Thursday, while keeping an eye out and making sure he’s not banging some other student, that shit is unacceptable. So if you’re wondering what it’s like to get it on with a professor—that’s messed up, what is wrong with you? Just hook-up with a TA. They’re practically your age and generally do most of the stupid things you do, so it’ll work for a few weeks. Just remember, no one wants to be that person that married their TA. Gross.
FIND THE CAMPUS SQUIRRELS
Can you find all the squirrels on this college campus? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
the crossword
famous michaels
ACROSS: 2) Legendary Chicago Bears football player and coach. 4) Michael Cera’s character in Arrested Development, two words. 5) What disesase does Michael J. Fox suffer from? 7) Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs, is on
which channel? 10) Michael Buble is from this Canadian province, two words. 12) Mike who? 13) Michael C. Hall played the lead in which HBO show? 15) Michael Jackson was born in this Indiana city.
DOWN: 1) He played Austin Powers (baby), two words. 3) This Michael is famous for his controversial documentaries. 5) The most decorated Olympic athlete. 6) What was Mike Sorrentino’s nickname on Jersey Shore? 8) Philadelphia Eagles quarterback who spent time in prison for illegal dog dighting. 9) Michael Jordan won 6 NBA Championships with this city’s team. 10) The current Mayor of New York City. 11) Mike’s makes what kind of hard beverage? 14) This Mike famously bit off a part of Evander Holyfield’s ear.
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the m.a.s.h.
oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
You’re going on a trip to… - Seattle - Los Angeles - Tuscon - Omaha
The sick whip of choice is… - An old-school RV - A 2014 Ford Escape - A Boeing 757 - A Chevy Astrovan
The only bummer is… - there’s no gas in the tank. - you forgot your cell phone charger. - the vehicle is loud as hell. - you forgot a lighter.
WIth your very best friend… - Kitty Pryde - Miley Cyrus - Taylor Momsen - Michelle Obama
It’s pimped out with… - like, 100 televisions - stripper poles - plush, cheetah carpeting - disco balls
and her new boyfriend… - Jeff Garlin - Prince Harry - Carson Daly - Vladimir Putin
and the mini fridge is loaded with… - strawberries - canned cat food - Patron - 11-year aged Wisconsin cheddar
When you got to your destination, the first thing you did was… - take a friggin’ leak. - masturbate. - buy some damn Fritos. - do some yoga. The second thing you did was… - get mad wasted. - Instagram some scenic views. - smoke a joint. - look for the nearest strip club.