The Black Sheep
AFT
Vol. 4, Issue 13
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
S FRE ER CENT O E... L IK LEA V I N N YO U E T H E GA RC DAN LOTH K H ES EAD SH
OP.
4/10/14 - 4/16/14
UT SUFFERING YAK-ATTACK MEAGAN DAWSON WROTE THIS Warning: Yik Yak is taking over the campus. Kids are Yaking in the library, on the sidewalks, at dinner, they’re even Yaking together! But can you blame them? Yik Yak is the best thing to happen to UT since Butch Jones popped that glorious orange collar of his. No, Yik Yak isn’t some hip new dance move or fancy drug. It’s an app, the likes of which this campus has never seen. Step aside UTK Confessions, there’s a new kid on the block, and he means business. Aside from hours of uncensored entertainment, you will also be confronted with a lot of feelings. The emotional investment it took you to decide what to get on your Cook-Out tray doesn’t even come close to all the feels you’re about to experience. So in order to help you cope with this emotional roller coaster, The Black Sheep is going to break down the stages of Yik Yak for you. Stage 1: Confusion: Figuring out what the hell a Yik Yak is, that’s half the battle. Figuring out how to use it is the other half. It is completely anonymous, unless your name actually is Captain Yak Sparrow... However, you should still avoid threatening Prez Obeezy or ‘merica, because nothing is anonymous to the NSA. Big Brother sees everything, so if you don’t go to hell for your yaks, you will end up in jail… But we’ll all be there too, so yak on! Stage 2: Anger: Remember, unless your name is specifically stated, Yaks are not personal attacks. Just because you’re offended by it doesn’t mean it’s about you. What you are about to read may come as a shock: you may be the center of your own world, but you are not the center of everyone else’s. In fact, most people probably don’t even know you exist. So before you launch an all out Yak-attack on an anonymous stranger that dissed some GDI in cargos, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you don’t even own cargos. Nor are you a geed. Let it go. Stage 3: Addiction: Now that you know how Yik Yak works, and are able to react rationally to each post, you’re hooked. You’ll be checking Yik Yak more times a day than @volblackout on the Sunday after your 21st birthday. Life as you knew it is over. How did you get gossip before Yik Yak? How did you know there was an EF exam before the Yak told you? How did you sleep without knowing Yik Yak was at your fingertips? As far as you’re concerned, life began the moment you downloaded the app.
PAGE 6
MEDICAL MARIJUANA BILL FAILS, POTHEAD TOO HIGH TO CARE BECAUSE SINCE WHEN DID STONERS FOLLOW THE RULES.
Stage 4: Nostalgia: Just as suddenly as your addiction emerged, it fizzled out. Unlike heroin, the Yak-diction was surprisingly easy to kick. Sure there were withdrawals, but that nervous tic went away. Now the only thing you have left to remind you of the fiery passion you felt for Yik Yak is a melancholy nostalgia. You look fondly on all the time that you and Yak had. Remember that time you two spread rumors about Kappa Sig? Or
that time you said that Jimmy Cheek eats dog poop? You shared so many laughs. But your relationship has run its course, it’s over now. Yik Yak can bring you to your highest high, and your lowest low. Either way it’s a hell of ride. Go ahead UT and Yak away! But please, Yak responsibly.
PAGES 10-11
PAGE 13
WE INTERVIEW: THE ORWELLS
IDEAL STUDENT ACCEPTED INTO EVERY INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T
IF THESE YOUNG SUBURBAN BOYS DON’T BECOME FAMOUS, WE’LL EAT OUR METAPHORICAL HAT.
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THINGS STARTING TO LOOK UP FOR
UKRAINIAN STUDIES MAJOR STAFF WROTE THIS
At the University of Tennessee students in majors look down on other majors. Others’ academic paths are viewed as being inferior for various reasons, ranging from lack of economic prospects for some to the lack of IQ required for others. “I would say that as a Ukrainian studies major I’m always the butt of jokes.” Blake Johnson told The Black Sheep adding, “People always ask me why I would ever major in something like this, and I can’t say it’s because I am incapable of doing any sort of academic work, so I tell them I have a deep passion and understanding of the dynamic nation we call Ukraine.” “Taking pleasure in the demise of others is always frowned upon. It’s like being really profitable as a coffin salesman.” said Johnson. “However, since the start of the protests in Ukraine, and especially after the Russian invasion, people all over have been asking for my opinion. Instead of trying to subtly hide their laughter at the mere sound of my voice, I’m starting to see people actually register what I’m saying. They tell me, ‘Wow that’s so thoughtful.’ This war is really the best thing that has ever happened to me, guys.” Though Blake is happy about the unrest, other classmates of his were not so ecstatic. “All my professors with PhDs in Ukrainian studies are being interviewed by major news outlets. Unfortunately, this crisis happened when we were undergrads. Now no one will care about us by the time we have our doctorates. If I had a PhD I could get you to buy my book about a country I’ve been an ’expert’ on for years. It wouldn’t matter that in my life I’d have spent a total of a week there,” Johnson’s cohort Tim Macama noted. Many of Blake’s classmates have considered switching their focus to a different country, based on the country they thought next to implode. “My money is on Mauritania” said Ukrainian Studies sophomore Justin Smith, “Africa is easy, some ethnic group is always trying to kill another one.” While some were blessing the cycle of interest that major political crises had brought, others were more wary of the fad. “Being an Arabic major really was cool when all the Egyptians were first protesting, but it’s been three years now and people aren’t as interested in hearing about Egypt.” poly-sci student Brandon Svetnik said. He went on to observe that the fad lasts about a month after a political crisis happens and then, “People realize they’re still talking to a moron who can’t handle doing homework in college.” Some undergraduate students felt that they were above the fray of finding political crises to exploit. One political science major told The Black Sheep that, “I’m in political science because I know that predicating the next crisis is hard. This way regardless of what crisis happens I’ll know what to do.” When we questioned his methodology he said, “I’ll use just enough statistics to sound like I know what I’m talking about regardless of the conversation. People will learn to ignore my mouth vomit regardless of the political climate! and with that cup-half-full logic, anything is possible when you put your mind to it.”
CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
JERKY TEACHER THINGS ALEX HARWARD WROTE THIS
Professors: can’t live with ‘em and can’t graduate without ‘em. At the end of the day these bookworms decide whether or not we pass or fail. We’ve learned that some professors at the University of Tennessee are the spawn of Satan himself, while others are just too dumb to merit having been offered a job. The Black Sheep has collected the definitive list of the top things profs do that really piss us off. 10.) Not Curving: You get that test back that has been haunting your thoughts for the past two weeks and you’re not too surprised to see a whopping 46%. A big ole’ F. Never fear, a curve is here, right? Wrong again, silly student! This professor only curves if everyone gets below an 80%, and as usual, there’s that one genius kid in your class who got a 98.3% and is pissed about it.
MEDICAL MARIJUANA BILL FAILS,
POTHEADS TOO HIGH TO CARE AUSTIN McLAURINE WROTE THIS Recently a bill calling for the decriminalization of medical marijuana in the state of Tennessee failed. This shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone, considering Tennessee fits snugly in the Bible Belt and smoking marijuana is a reprehensible sin that will earn you an afterlife filled to the brim with hellfire and damnation. Nevertheless, the bill was voted down by the House of Representatives with six votes against and two for the bill. Even with other states now allowing medical and even recreational marijuana, it wasn’t enough to convince conservative Tennessee to push the bill along. The most surprising aspect of the controversy surrounding the bill: people most bent out of shape by this aren’t even the marijuana users. As we were gathering firsthand opinions about the result of the bill, responders who claimed to use weed had no idea the bill even existed. Philosophy junior Marty Green had this to say: “Legal marijuana? That would be off the hook, man. Totally cool. Too bad it didn’t pass. Oh well, I’m gonna go smoke again and have a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.” Many others had similar statements. Some who do not smoke were very angry about the result, indicating they need to take up the habit. One campaigner shared their opinion with us: “Tennessee is a fascist state! If they can’t see why weed should be legal, they’re going to start taking away our personal freedoms. Before you know it, it’ll be illegal to eat as many donuts as you want in one sitting!” Local doctor Dr. O.G. Kushing says he wanted the bill to pass: “I think there are some
06
ailments that can only be helped by getting really, really blazed. Many modern medicines can cause more harm than good and can be very expensive. Medical marijuana would also allow more choice for the patient regarding medication. Wouldn’t you rather toke up on some dank grass than take some Tylenol for squares? No other medicine allows for you to eat an enormous amount of tacos and still be fighting off illnesses.” “Water pipe” store owner on The Strip, Dee Spensarie, agrees that marijuana should be allowed for medical use: “I don’t smoke it, but I think business might pick up if it were legal. It would also make running our water and tobacco pipe store a lot easier. I swear I don’t smoke it. All of our pipes are for tobacco use only. In fact, we immediately call the cops on people who mention anything about weed in the store. I think someone once said ‘we’ but it sounded like ‘weed’ so I made the call anyway.” One argument made by Tennesseans wanting marijuana legalized is that “alcohol is legal, why not weed?” Others stated that they simply “want to get mad crunk.” Opponents of the bill have cited reasons like this as to why they voted against the bill. They were promptly jeered by the few who voted for the bill and called names like “lame-o collar jockey.” Matthew Jane, a proponent of the bill, said this after the bill was shut down: “One day I hope that people can freely treat their illnesses the way they want to... and make 4/20 happen all the time.” One day indeed the residents of Tennessee might live in this world, but today is not that day.
9.) Standardized Tests: No one enjoys standardized tests. We thought they were behind us, but we were sadly mistaken. Scantrons will forever be present in our lives. Years from now, when you work that sad day job in a gray cubicle you’ll probably keep a Scantron in your desk drawer, just in case. 8.) Group Projects: The absolute worst kind of project, you have to interact with people you’ve never met and pretend it’s not intensely awkward. There’s the one person who does nothing, the one who only volunteers to make the PowerPoint, and then the person who just doesn’t show up. Thank you, professors, for making us deal with this idiocy. 7.) Not Knowing How to Use PowerPoint: For the love of all that is right in the world, how do professors not know how to use PowerPoint? It’s so easy they taught it to us in, like, third grade. Just a little copy and paste here and some original bullshit there and you’re good to go. But not in college, friends: here the PowerPoints shamelessly come straight from Wikipedia. 6.) Inconvenient Office Hours: Seriously is it just us, or are all Tennessee professors’ office hours during other class times? And even when you do get a chance to stop by for a nice little chat, let’s be honest, it’s never that constructive. 5.) Singling Students Out: Ugh, the worst. Well, uh, fifth worst, we guess. You sit in the back of the room cowering in fear of the chances of getting picked out. Why? Either you haven’t been to class in 3 weeks or didn’t do the reading. Only failure can come from you being chosen. Hello, Tin Roof, yes, 100 beers, please. 4.) Not Responding to Emails: Why? Seriously, just why? Usually students don’t like any type of interaction with professors, so sometimes sending an email is a terrifying endeavor in itself, and when we don’t get a response, it’s like a stab in the heart. 3.) Penalized for Skipping Class: It’s college, class should be optional, not required. We pay thousands of dollars to attend such a classy university, but get slapped on the wrist when we don’t show up to class. Professors, keep your classes optional and you’ll get a lot more positive feedback at the end of the semester. 2.) Notes Directly From the Textbook: Newsflash: we can read. Professors are just lazy assholes and don’t feel like doing any more work than we do. 1.) Schedule Tests Right Before or After a Break: You have to be lacking in any and all compassion to force students to cram during what should be a relaxing period, or force them to actually use their brains while the prospect of a beach trip is on their minds. Save us all the trouble (and inevitably terrible grades), just don’t.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT HAD PANTS NEVER BEEN INVENTED? Alex
“Everyone would get to see my beautifully toned ass.”
Caroline
“We would have infinitely more opportunities to ask ‘What are you wearing under that kilt?’”
Caleb
“I would have seen your ass by now.”
07
The Black Sheep is Hiring Writers quickly and easily apply today: theblacksheeponline.com/jobs
JACKSON AVE. MARKET
THE BAR GRID BLACKSTOCK For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
TUESDAY: $2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
Thursday 4/10
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$4.50 Vodka Bombs $2 Bottles $7 Double Vodka Red Bull
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Friday 4/11
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm! T. Michael Branner Conceptet, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers All Night $5 Double LIT
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
Saturday 4/12
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Harold Nagge/Alan Wyatt, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite & Coors Original Pitchers All Night $2.50 Jim Beam Drinks
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
SPECIAL NIGHT
Sunday 4/13
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts & $2.50 Wells, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers All Day
Monday 4/14
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers from 9pm-closing
Tuesday 4/15
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Wednesday 4/16
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Adrien Cottier, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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Fort Sanders Yacht Club
THE BAR GRID Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
SAT: Disco Night!
Saturday and Sunday: Brunch 10am - 4pm Over 30 Menu Items, Create Your Own Brunch!
Everyday: $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
SUNDAY! Slam Poet Buddy Wakefield, 7pm
Ladies Night! 1/2 off everything for women! Beer and appetizers 4pm-close Liquor and wine 4pm-10pm 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville DJ and Dancing starting at 9!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Killians Red & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Sweet Water IPA & More!)
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Lager/Lite/Bockbeer, Mich Amber & More!) $3 Imports (Fat Tire, Shiner White Wing, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
Brunch 10am - 4pm, $3 Mimomas 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm. Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-of-the-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, New Belgium 1554/Spring Blond & More!)
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
Best Brunch in Downtown Knoxville! 10am - 4pm Home of the $3 Mimosa
Open 12 - 6 $5 Hookah! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Try our new spring menu!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!), $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Stella, Sweet Water IPA & More!) $5 Hookah Sessions!
1/2 off large pizza from 4-close - Dine in only Scarecrow Winter Games! Play our games and have a chance to win a grand prize trip to Las Vegas!
1/2 off bottles of wine 4pm - 10pm Excluding house bottles
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
SPECIAL NIGHT
The Whigs w/Johnny Astro and the Big Bang Doors at 7pm, Show at 8pm Sponsored by WUTK and Yazoo Brewery
Bring Your Own Vinyl and Record Swap Night + Weekly Raffle for $25 Gift Certificate to Wild Honey Records $1 OFF ALL IMPORTS!!
Thursday 4/10
#Hashtag, 7pm, $5 Texas Tony and the Tornado Ramblers with Kelsey’s Woods, 9pm $5
Live Music Nights! (please PM for booking)
Friday 4/11
Disco Night!
Zac and Kota’s Sweet Life, Crowd, Ebony Eyes 10pm, $5
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Saturday 4/12
Slam Poet Buddy Wakefield, 7pm
Open at 8pm! Video Game Tournament Night - Winner Receives $12 Bar Credit! PLUS HAPPY HOUR FROM 8-10:30!
Sunday 4/13
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Comedy Con Queso Comedy - Stand-Up Open Mic, 9pm. FREE
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Monday 4/14
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Yuengling Lager/ Lite & More!), $3 Imports (New Belgium Fat Tire/1554/ Spring Blond & More!)
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Improv Comey Show, 8pm, FREE! Tree Lag and 9th Pheonix 10pm, $5
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Tuesday 4/15
Live Painting Sessions! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Bockbeer, Mich Amber, & More!), $3 Imports (Shiner White Wing, Blue Moon, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
Knox Comedy Live Presents: Louis Katz 8pm, $7
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & Ciders are $1 off!
Wednesday 4/16
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS:
THE ORWELLS BRENDAN BONHAM WROTE THIS
E, G U H ET G ’T N O D LS EL W R O E H IF T WE’LL EAT OUR METAPHORICAL HAT. IR UPCOMING U.S . GIVE US THE TIME OF DAY ABOUT THE TO G LIN WIL S WA MO CUO RIO MA E. FRONTMAN OUT, AND A LEGENDARY TV APPEARANC TOUR, HIS INSPIRATIONS , DROPPING TBS: You guys are from Elmhurst, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago. How did growing up in that environment influence your music? Cuomo: There really wasn’t shit to do besides play football or skate a bunch. Other than that, there wasn’t jack shit to do, so we just started having a fucking band practice every Friday for a few years. TBS: When did you know you could actually do this? Cuomo: Probably, like, my senior year of high school. TBS: Did it ever cross your mind to do college or anything? Cuomo: I wanted to do the band thing so much that I dropped out of high school so I could eliminate the chance of going to college. TBS: It’s you, your cousin and a pair of brothers in The Orwells. Do you think this family angle changes how you guys interact with one another from a band perspective? Cuomo: I don’t think it makes a difference. We’re close in different ways, but it’d be the same if we weren’t related. TBS: How does the creative process work? Cuomo: Our guitarist will come up with a fucking sweet riff or a demo or something. Then he’ll show it to all of us. We’ll play it through a couple of times. If it sounds good enough I’ll write lyrics for it right there. TBS: Is your lyrically dark imagery something you’re going for? Cuomo: Some of that stuff was written at a time when I wasn’t really having it—I didn’t know if the fucking band thing would work out or if I was fucked and I’d have to go get a shitty job because I don’t have qualifications for anything. I didn’t know if I was going to be kicked out and shit. I wasn’t in the best mood, in general. But, I like dark shit. TBS: Your live shows are legendary. How do you get ready for something like that? Cuomo: I have a couple of drinks. TBS: How do you know if you’re having a good live show? Cuomo: I go apeshit every time. If I go apeshit every time my head hurts and I’m sweaty as a motherfucker. I’m really exhausted. That’s how I know I did my part—if I’m fucking beat after. TBS: Your Late Show with David Letterman performance was out of control. Is that pretty indicative of what a live show is like? Cuomo: That could very well be exactly what you see during a set at a venue. TBS: Letterman loved the performance. What is it like
to connect with someone musically, someone who is in their late 60s or early 70s? Cuomo: It’s really cool. It’s nice to know anyone can enjoy our music—it doesn’t have to be some fuckin’ teenager or guy in his early 20s. It can be anyone. It’s a lot cooler than bands who only reach a certain demographic. TBS: You’re playing Chicago on your American leg of the tour. Does coming home mean anything special to you? Cuomo: It’s just another show. TBS: What about Lollapalooza in 2013? Cuomo: That was a milestone thing. It was a real big deal to us. TBS: How did you react to finding out you want to play Lolla? Cuomo: It was pretty sweet, but a little different. We got a booking agent and the first question he asked us was, “Do you want to play Lollapalooza.” The next year we were. It was so cool. I was looking forward to it the whole year, and it kept me super-positive. If something shitty happened, it’s just, “We’re playing Lollapalooza.” TBS: What else do you look at as career milestones? Cuomo: Opening for The Black Lips on New Year’s a year ago.
TBS: Are they a big influence on you guys? Cuomo: Yeah, huge. TBS: Do you take anything away from someone like that when you watch them play live? Cuomo: Um, it’s an honor, but it’s one of the first bands we saw in Logan Square Auditorium. It was the craziest fucking thing. Until then I thought it was the cool thing to— like, bands who look like they don’t give a shit, they play their set without moving too much—I saw The Black Lips and they were using their guitars as baseball bats to hit beers into the crowd. It was the coolest shit I’ve ever seen. I thought, “I’d rather be like these dudes.” TBS: Who else inspires you? Cuomo: In high school probably the biggest influence to me was Tyler the Creator. TBS: Really? Cuomo: Yeah, I listened to them all of the time—I was like, “Fuck school, I wanna tour and have crazy-ass shows like these guys.” When I saw Odd Future they had one of those shows where they were just going off, it was one of those badass shows. He just owns shit, and I was like, “I want to be like that.” I look up to him so much. He’s proof. If he did it, then it’s doable. TBS: What does it mean to you to be successful? Cuomo: When a bunch of people love you and a bunch of people hate the shit out of you.
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Relationship Status: It’s complicated
BARTENDER
Major: Philosophy/religion/ ethics/literature
ROCKSTAR
What bargoer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: Waving at the bartender
OF THE WEEK
If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: Pickles
Favorite Drink: Whiskey Favorite Shot: Whiskey Disgusting Drink: Anything pink
What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: Nothing, I’m a grammar Nazi.
Sebby of Suttree’s Tavern
DRINKING GAME Summer Festival Countdown If you’re like us, you’ve definitely had enough of school now to the point where you’re ready to admit that, this summer, you may have absolutely nothing going on job-wise, but there’s always festival season! To defend your $300 investment on standing in sweltering crowds of several thousands, cheer yourself up with this pre-game to the pre-game of your festival. What You’ll Need: The group of friends you’ll be concert-going/camping/drunkenly hooking up with for the summer, a computer or smartphone, and a matching Spotify playlist (optional) Number of Players: If you’re planning on heading to a festival alone, you probably already have your drinking plans set up for tonight … and tomorrow … and the rest of the weekend … Level of Intoxication: “Hey, these guys actually aren’t that bad! We should totally miss Outkast for them.” How to Play: Navigate your web browser to whatever festival you blew your parent’s money on this year. Make sure that the entire lineup is showing, not just headliners or “day-by-by” schedules. Starting at the top of the lineup, take a drink whenever one of the below criteria is met:
- There is a band making a “comeback.” - A band your parents saw back in the 80s is on the bill. - Any EDM artist surfaces – no exceptions. - A pop-punk band from your middle school days shows up out of nowhere. - A rapper who’s serious, hard-hitting lyrics about overcoming the struggles living in an awful neighborhood are found “most relatable” to affluent college kids shows up. - A band whose radio-abused single is on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t name it comes up. - Anyone you haven’t the slightest clue about is on the bill (treat this as the finale). Everyone drinks when: - The phrase “God, this year’s lineup is so good” comes up. - The phrase “Hm … I mean, it’s no 2013, but it’s a solid lineup, right?” comes up. - The phrase “Holy shit, this lineup is fucking awful” inevitably comes up. Game Ends When: You’re either excessively excited for the festival or morally outraged at impulse buying.
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Would you rather have a hornless unicorn, or a horse with a horn? Explain: A hornless unicorn,
it’s still a unicorn. What’s something that sounds like a sex position, but isn’t?: Anything could be a sex position. What is nature’s sexiest animal?: A hairy sweaty man. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the internet?: A 15-cent motorcycle cover, but I paid $17 in shipping. If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Sour Grapes. Can you believe we finally solved racism?: That didn’t happen. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because they’ll find out about cool bars like Suttree’s.
RECIPE for DISASTER Decked-Out Peanut Butter and Grilled Cheese Alright, time to stop kidding yourself: you’re running low on money. Whether your parents are cutting you off for the third year in a row of abysmal grades or you’ve just been giving up shifts at the dining hall, if there’s one thing that’s for sure, it’s that you’re spending way too much on late-night pizzas and chicken strips. To cope, here’s a quick, easy, and cheap snack that you could honestly make right now within the comfort of your own home … if you’re properly sauced at 2:30 in the morning, of course. What You Need: A toaster or George Foreman Grill (we prefer the latter because the grill lines at least make it seem like we dined out for the night.), 6 slices of bread (3 at the very LEAST. You can stack this sucker up as high as you want, baby.), Peanut butter, Your favorite flavor of jelly, Plastic cheese singles (if you’re fancy enough to be toting around deli-style carvings, then leave us peasants alone.) Cook Time: About 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: If it’s come to this, you can’t really complain about feeling a little queasy.
congratulations: your parents love you more than ours. - Periodically check the toast to see if it’s grilled to your liking, but, you only want to get halfway there. - Remove the toast and begin assembling the first deck of the sandwich by placing a cheese single on a slice, following by another slice, followed by another single, and finished off with another slice. Look at you and your college education! - Begin assembling the second deck of the sandwich by applying the same concepts we learned in chapter 1 (the above step). This time, of course, stick to layers of peanut butter and jelly. - Carefully place the finished sandwich back on the grill. It’ll heat things up fast, so if the scent of burning cheese makes your nose hairs tear up, be attentive. - Remove the sandwich without searing your hand. - Stuff that sucker down before you sober up to visible regret.
Let’s Get Baked: - Fire up the George Foreman and place as many slices of bread on the grill as possible. If you have one of those fancy-schmancy industrial-sized ones that can fit ALL 6 slices on at once, then
We know, we know. This is budget cooking to the absolute extreme. But if years of mixing assorted liquors together have taught us anything, it’s that, with practice, mixing assorted foods won’t make you sick all the time.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
AROUND CAMPUS
IDEAL UTK STUDENT ACCEPTED
INTO EVERY INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T STAFF WROTE THIS
As April rolls in, the calm spring winds are probably already drying your sopping wet cheeks from incessantly sobbing over one internship rejection after the other. Usually, the blow of professional disappointment is softened when word comes around that none of your friends have landed any of their prestigious, career-starting pathways out of their parents’ houses yet either. This year, however, students all over campus are sharing a collective contempt for that one over-qualified sonofabitch who just happened to land every dream internship they didn’t. “Like, of course that smug asshole gets to work at Google for the summer,” remarked Greg Innis, a junior in computer science. “Seriously, how could the internship advisors over there pick such an abhorrent prick? No matter what MP me and the other guys in CS work on, he never complains about our professors with us. He just, like a complete and total asshole, does the work thoroughly without so much as a peep of discontent, and even throws in some lame-ass ‘innovative solution’ on top of it. He makes more work for himself. What a chode, for crissake.” The UTK student who has indirectly crushed the summer dreams of many a well-balanced and qualified student is now forced with the decision to decide from thousands of internships across all disciplines. Ranging from working with under-privileged kids in rough neighborhoods to aiding with intensive neuropsychological research, the campus-proclaimed “Douchebag of the Summer” has been relatively quiet about his accomplishments, only going so far as to call his parents about his success and reply honestly when people ask him, “So, what are you doing for this summer?” “He got into Leo Burnett. Leo FUCKING Burnett,” wailed Stephanie Birmingham, a junior in advertising. “That agen-
cy has been the only place I have applied to for the past 3 years of my life, and I couldn’t even tell you how extensive my portfolio is with one social media managing internship after the other. But what does that selfish shitstain do? He goes ahead and designs his own personal website that looks leagues better than my professional Tumblr. Like, it has slickly designed widgets and everything. The kid’s not even an ad major, I don’t get it. Landing this internship was my dream, and he literally took the biggest post-Chipotle shit all over it. Now I might have to settle for freelancing …” Student reports have claimed that the internship-studded student is very confident and focused in terms of his strengths, but it would help if he wasn’t such a “pompous asshat” about it. Outside of exceling in his studies, the student also holds leadership positions in a few clubs on campus, which is not unlike the average college student. However, what turns the student population off is the fact that he makes it seem like he genuinely enjoys the added stress without considering how it boosts his resume. “Do you honestly think I give two shits about the publication I’m working at right now?” commented a disgruntled The Daily Beacon editor after learning that the rival student landed a coveted editorial spot at The New Yorker. “I could care less about the integrity of half the ramblings that get posted in this paper. All I want compa-
nies to see is the big, bold “EDITOR of whatever” on my LinkedIn. But this fucking guy, I tell you … I have to walk past him every single time he walks to and from one of his organization meetings … always smiling. He said ‘hello’ to me last time I passed him, and I literally began thinking of ways to eviscerate him on the spot and choke him with his own intestines.” The editor abruptly left the interview shortly thereafter, claiming that he needed to channel his un-supported and tasteless anger through another opinion piece. We were able to speak with the university’s most deplored student as he was catching up on some emails at Starbucks, passively dodging epithets and hate speech from passing students that even we can’t legally print. The student claimed that he was “shocked” to have received accept letters from all of his internship applications, and that he felt “truly blessed and lucky” to see his hard work pay off at this crucial point in his life. He also mentioned that he hoped for “nothing but the best” for any of his fellow students feeling a little discouraged and that they should “continue to seize the day and turn yesterday’s failure into tomorrow’s success.” As a staff full of writers who will spending our summer making a few issues filled with uninspired dick jokes and townie-pandering humor, we at The Black Sheep concur that, yes, what a complete and total asshole.
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coffee concoctions
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six degrees of separation
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