w s d v i n o w w e j b k h h w w
b t w b o o z F E E G q a u a E E
n y T l o l o U l f A a n h p l l
k o H y o l o N p n M z d I p k k
m p E m u r e v a m E m i S y m m
@BlackSheep_UTK • December 5th, 2013
k l x t r S h b n f S t r S h r r
q t c B b H u o d x l e u U q q q
e w z L m E l o s a m l l E w s s
e e v A w e n b e e e e e l e y e
e r b C x P b s s s s s s s s s s
a k r K z k s a b a a a a a a a a
r o u o k j u s j h h h h h h h h
b r e n d n s u x p p p p p p p p
>>
Meet the Staff <<
campus manager Austin Owen
campus director Quinn Myers
Editorial manager Emily Hagenburger
owner Atish Doshi
Advertising Managers Alyssa Watson
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Writers Mary Moss, Katie Vaughn Austin McLaurine Distribution manager Kelley Rieder Social media manager James Ballard
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900
Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Follow us! @blacksheepUTK â&#x20AC;˘ theblacksheeponline.com
Finals Season Has Swept Clemson
Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UTK
#goodtimes
I got you a present with a bow on it...
Word
Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UTK
Crapsize Simply, falling asleep while taking a dump. “Billy crapsized in the first-floor bathroom after holing up in there for several hours following taco night.”
of the
Week Guess
Now I just need to put it in your box.
The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UTK First right answer wins a prize!
Seriously?
DON’T MESS AROUND WITH
#BADTIMESMAN
Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_UTK #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
Last Week’s Answer: Purdue Pete
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UTK and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
A director that would repurpose an anthropomorphized rabbit book with pink flamingos instead.
Last Week’s Answer: Tucker Max Headroom
BUY ONE PIERCING, GET ONE PIERCING FREE! 25% OFF ANY TATTOO OVER $100 (WITH COLLEGE ID) LOCATED 1.5 MILES FROM CAMPUS HEALTH DEPARTMENT SCORE IS ALWAYS 100! 3405 Chapman Hwy., Knoxville | (865) 247-5678 | fb.com/HARDKNOXTATTOO
madlib Last night, after that _____1____ themed party, where there were entirely too many ____2____, I remember walking to Cook Out and seeing a homeless man ____3____ a ____4____. Then I’m pretty sure he got arrested. After that I somehow ended up at _____5____ where someone took a picture of me ____6_____ one of the bartenders. I would’ve been pissed but I got a free drink out of it. After that I stumbled home and ordered Jimmy Johns, but instead of a sub they gave me a ____7____, I was so drunk I ate it anyway. I passed out hard after that, until my alarm went off at 7 a.m., and that’s when I realized I had a final at 8. I jumped out of bed and got ready so fast I didn’t even have time to ____8____ my ____9____. Running to class, I had to stop by the UC bathrooms and ____10____, it was then when I realized I forgot to put on any ____11____. It was embarrassing to say the least. Anyway I ran into the library to grab a coffee from Starbucks and it was the ____12____ coffee I have ever had, immediately after finishing it I _____13____ all over one of the workers. Needless to say I won’t be welcome at that Starbucks for a while.
how my finals went Running out of the library one of the campus preachers tried to talk to me but could tell I was ____14____ and cursed me to hell. I told him to ____15____ a ____16____ and J-walked across Volunteer Ave just to solidify my standing with the devil. Finally, I got to AMB where everyone was cramming before the exam. I honestly don’t know how a class about ____17____ could have a final but I needed to do decent to pass so I was definitely ____18____. I got into the amphitheater and the teacher’s aid made us sit in order by our ____19____ and to add to the craziness the teacher was dressed like a ____20____, and was ____21____ all over the place. We got the exam and the only question was to write what we did last night. He said as long as it was the truth we’d get credit for the exam. I was about to say that I stayed in and studied, but then I remembered someone took a picture of the bartender and I. I couldn’t take any chances so I had to tell him that I ____22____ in the middle of a bar instead of studying for his final. He gave me credit but I’m pretty sure I won’t be asking him for a recommendation.
1.) Noun 2.) Noun (plural) 3.) Verb 4.) Noun 5.) Noun 6.) Verb ending in -ing 7.)Noun 8.)Verb 9.) Noun 10.) Verb 11.) Item of clothing 12.) Adjective 13.) Verb 14.) Adjective 15.) Verb 16.) Noun 17.) Noun 18.) Adjective 19.) Noun 20.) Noun 21.) Verb 22.) Verb
Your Dorm
and You
Hess: Hess Hall is the 1960s of dormitories. Only a hippie would want to share a bathroom with their entire floor, and with an attitude like that you can assume they smoke more grass than there
06
Ten
Gifts to Give Michael Palardy
‘Tis the season to forget the past football season, and focus on more important things like “studying,” and “not dropping out.” However important grades are and how disappointing this season was, it’s more important to remember the good things, okay thing, we shared — Michael Palardy’s winning kick in the South Carolina upset game. It would be a shame not to shower him with holiday favors and ho-ho-ho’s a plenty! Here are our Top 10 gifts to give our hero Michael Palardy.
Where you live on campus says a lot about you, specifically your study habits. Whether you live on the far side of campus that many upperclassmen never see after their first year, or the highly sought-after UTK apartments, your building sets the path for your academic career.
Morrill: Consisting of honors students and overachievers, Morrill is the place to go if “working hard” and “climbing the ranks of academia” are the reasons you’re here. On occasional nights certain floors in Morrill will be full with noise of revelry, but that doesn’t keep them from doing what they came to college for. These residents actually understand that while they may get done with finals on the 10th, others may have days more of studying to do, so they don’t host snowball fights in the hallways yet (in the event that there is no snow at this time, students have been known to substitute mashed potatoes from the Morrill caf ). Whether it’s the constant threat of having to eat the horrid food that dwells in the same building that they sleep, or the promise of being able to party on the weekends, Morrill residents get it done.
Top
By: Chris T. Mas
By: Austin McLaurine
Carrick/Reese/Humes: North and South Carrick form a powerhouse of a dorm as just the North (boys’) side houses enough debauchery to go around the whole campus. Reese and Humes get lumped in here because you don’t live next to Carrick without adopting its qualities. With every day of the week being devoted to having a good time, studying gets put on the backburner. Those who want to study either leave for the library or are eventually forced to join in on the partying. If your dorm doesn’t smell of something illicit, and if the small, fake Christmas tree your parents sent you isn’t decorated with ornaments in the shape of penises shoddily cut out of past failed tests and beer cans, then you’re probably not living in one of these buildings.
The
10.) Life-size Butch Jones cutout: Just assume he doesn’t already have one, or several. A life sized Butch Jones cutout will provide ample motivation to shower in the morning, and remember he is good enough, strong enough, and smart enough to be a big time kicker on a big time football team. 9.) Ray Guy Award: Even if he doesn’t win it – which he totally should – stealing it from whoever steals it from him would make a great, heartfelt present. At least he can tape it to the Butch Jones cutout and take it out to a nice dinner before getting found out. 8.) A night in the VIP room at Rumorz: What, you didn’t know there was one!?! Being the King of the Rocky Top Rowdies for a night in Rumorz would be anyone’s dream come true. And seeing how he’s a senior, he’s going to need a few more good memories to go out on besides his kick against SC.
is on the field at Neyland. One can’t possibly get much work done when it’s the clocks are set to 4:20. Being so close to the grounds at HSS, these residents can surely be seen in their hammocks or simply sprawled out on the stones as they wait for their next class... or miss it completely. It’s whatever, bro, chill. School’s school, but life is… life, bro. Laurel/Vol Hall: These students believe they can escape the senseless realities of freshman housing when in reality they still live on campus. Students who live here have a sense of superiority among those who live in dorms, despite the likelihood that many students don’t even know campus extends past the library. By this point in these students’ academic careers, they have realized that they need to get their act together and start to really focus on their classes if they want to land a job out of college, which should have happened two semesters ago. Oh well, old habits die hard! Massey: Massey is home to lots of Greeks, and the time required to participate in a frat or sorority almost singlehandedly disallows time for anything else. Studying for classes isn’t even an option if you are too busy planning a party for Friday or attending some meeting you’re trying really hard to care about. To the rest of us, studying seems like a welcome break from all the constant scheduling and required appearances to be made. Despite being so close to the library, kids living in Massey don’t
have studying high on their priority list, because who can secure a date to the semester’s last formal at the library? Nobody, that’s who. Clement: We almost forgot about good ole Clement… and we’d wager the majority of the student body has too. It’s secluded from the other dorms and its proximity to classes almost requires that it be a place of study and eternal rest. When you sign up for a place like this, you’re also signing up to not ever see any of your Presidential Court friends again. You might see a few Clementians try to escape the madness and flee to Hodges every once in a while, but they’ll keep on studying, because deep down they know that book will be their only friend for a while. Andy Holt: Andy Holt doesn’t try to be anything more than an apartment building so dangerously close to Presidential Court you can hear café workers sneezing on the food. Residents have described the quality of its interior as “Soviet Russia-esque.” The people who inhabit Andy Holt solely need a place to live so they can go to school, nothing more, nothing less. They wake up, walk three steps to class, then go back to sleep. Things like fun, food, and friends are not their priority, and it shows in their studies. There are some people who live in one of these places and are thinking “I’m not like that at all!” Well, that’s too bad. Generalizations are funny and if you disagree with that statement you’re an idiot. You’re all idiots!
7.) Air Jordans (worn by Jordan): In case he decides a different course than football with his talents, like Bo Jackson or Jordan, he’ll have the magic shoes to help him be a switch hitter. (No we did not get this idea from Like Mike, but yes, we do watch this movie several times a week). 6.) Toe socks: We can imagine that Palardy has feet of steel. But they still probably get a little chilly in the winter and need some up close and personal snug-action. This is also a new sex position in the latest issue of Cosmo, so you could choose to give him the Toe Sock that way, too. Preferably Golden Toe, in both cases. 5.) A piece of The Rock: The iconic Rock doesn’t deserve to be chipped at for any rando business major graduating in December, but we at The Black Sheep think everybody would be okay if a tiny slice was given to the great and graduating kicker.
4.) Fried Gator: It’s a rare delicacy that he probably grew up on, being from Fort Lauderdale and all. Let him chomp on that gator leg as he admires his own. 3.) Coupon for a year’s worth of massages: You could either volunteer to do this yourself or hook a brother up with some professional status massage therapy for his bunions. Gotta keep those feet sweet all year long if we ever want to praise his NFL career like the next Manning. #UTChristmasMiracles 2.) A virgin: We might have to go to the engineering campus to find one, but P-Dizzle deserves the supplest, the sweetest, the purest of souls. Only then will he know the depth of our love for him. We love you Michael Palardy. 1.) Feet/Leg Insurance: Palardy is a true VFL. His gifts need to be secured for life, just as his devotion to the Vols is. Rihanna insured her legs for $1 million. David Beckham’s legs are insured for $70 million. Surely we can all pull together to get at least his left big toe insured.
Around campus Send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets Would you rather eat a cup of pee-snow, or let it melt but have to drink it through a straw?
Catherine
“I like frosty’s a lot so I’d choose the cup of snow piss.”
Matheus
“Straws all day, every day.”
Nick
“Either. It’s sterile and I like the taste.”
07
If you don’t start following us...
YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEP_UTK Scan to go right to the page! JACKSON AVE. MARKET
Make Every Night a Steak Night with Our New Steak Specials! Perfectly Paired with a REAL Margarita!
Evolution Saturdays 9pm, $5
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Live Music
New Madrid, 10pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Live Music
Hudson K and O Youth present a Holiday Show, 10pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm 12/6: Devon Jones & the Uptown Stomp 12/13: Pamela Klicka Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
Evolution Saturdays 9pm, $5
Jazz Night 9pm 12/7: Will Yaeger Trio 12/14: Alan Wyatt & Harold Nagge Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 College Night: Valid all day w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
Karaoke until 3am!
Monday 12/9
$2.50 Kids Meals
Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Ladies Night! Drinks are $3.85-$4.50 Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Wednesday 12/11
FRIDAY! Hudson K and O Youth present a Holiday Show, 10pm
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
Tuesday 12/10
Sunday 12/8
Saturday 12/7
Friday 12/6
Thursday 12/5
SPECIAL NIGHT
BLACKSTOCK
Taco Night! $1.75 Tacos Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Paleface, 10pm
3-Star Jubilee Presents Blue Moon Rising, 8pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
Devan Jones and The Uptown Stomp, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
CHoney Spine, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 7pm 12/11: Adrian Cottier 12/18: Nick Swofford, Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Live Team Trivia at 8pm
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend
ble for Available for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Availa
Availab iPhone and Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today!
Fort Sanders Yacht Club
Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Game Day Specials:
$2 Vol Drafts - Drink the beer, keep the cup until 5 or when game ends! $6 Domestic Pitchers until 5pm
All Day! $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
$1 Off Imported Beers
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
8-9pm: Two for One Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour: 3 for 1 Wells, $3 Mind Erasers 10-12am: Bottomless Beer with Cover
Pegasi 51, Annandale 10pm, $5
“Fuck You Friday” Happy Hour 2pm-7pm with $2 Drafts
Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
8-9pm: Two for One Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour: 3 for 1 Wells, $3 Bartenders Choice, 10-12am: Bottomless Beer with cover
Dax Riggs with Cutthroat Shamrock Acoustic 10pm, $10
Happy Hour 2pm-7pm
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
WELL SPENT NIGHTS: Midnight to Close, Sunday through Thursday $2 Domestics, $3 Craft Beers, $4 Shots, $5 Margaritas Half-Price Food
$.50 off everything except $2 Beers
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Comedy Con Queso Open Mic Comedy, 9pm, FREE Jen Rock and the Crybabies, Year of October 10pm, FREE!
$3 Drafts
$2 Drafts all day
“Wheats & Sweets” $.50 off wheat beers, ciders and malts
Wednesday 12/11
11am-7pm: $1.50 Budlight, Miller Lite and Yuengling draft, $1 off bottles and 25% off Wine bottles
Pheonix Bloom, Christian Lee Hutson, WolfSong, 9pm, $5
Tuesday 12/10
Hip Hop Night with DJ Tap Out & DJ Jeff, $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
Monday 12/9
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
Sunday 12/8
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Everyday Deals: Happy Hour 2pm-7pm $2 Drafts & $2 Tall Boys All Day
Saturday 12/7
$2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Domestic bottles and drafts, $4 Jack and Jim NFL Thursday Nights: $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
$12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16OZ Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
WELL SPENT NIGHTS: Midnight to Close, Sunday through Thursday
Friday 12/6
FRIDAY! 8-9pm: Two for One Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour: 3 for 1 Wells, $3 Mind Erasers 10-12am: Bottomless Beer with Cover
Thursday 12/5
$4 Martini Mondays! $4 Martinis and cocktails made with Deep Eddy Vodka Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
SPECIAL NIGHT
TUESDAYs and Wednesdays: All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
MONDAY DURING NFL GAMES:
Large 2 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
DURING NFL GAMES: $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16OZ Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax
$4 Martini Mondays! $4 Martinis and cocktails made with Deep Eddy Vodka Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Wine Tasting Tuesdays! For $9.99 come take a tour through our hand-picked White or Red Wine selection Plus Wednesday is half priced btls. of wine!
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
$2 Drafts
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Wine Down with us! 1/2 off bottles of wine WED 865Dnb, Starting at 9pm, 18+
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Dollar Night! $1 Drafts until Midnight, $1 Domestics & Well Drinks or Well Shooters until 11pm
$2 Domestics, $3 Craft Beers, $4 Shots, $5 Margaritas Half-Price Food
Einstein Simplified Live Improv Show, 8pm, FREE Well Spent Nights: $2 Domestics, $3 Craft Beers, $4 Shots, $5 Margaritas Half-Price Food
Knox Comedy Live presents Alex Koll with Angela Garrone, Matt Ward, Matt Chadourne 8pm
Hanukkah Seek and Find
guess the movie santa!
each box features a different santa claus from various holiday movies. do you know which movie each santa comes from?
Are You Smarter
(the guy who plays) Smokey
drinking game
library Drinking game By Katie Katz
than?
1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.
6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”
2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?
7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.
3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated?
8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971
4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?
9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state.
5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?
10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?
Smokey’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Norse 2) 8 3) 1922 4) Bob Barker 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Elmo 7) Cigarettes 8) Cher 9) Colorado 10) Frosty the Snowman
1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman
Smokey’s Score: 3 out of 10
Finals week: a.k.a. the most popular week for students contemplating suicide. Each year you spend hours in Hodges until the wee hours of the morning wishing you could just not be awake to hear the garbage men make their routes. But this year is going to be different because instead of looking at your pen as a weapon and cracking out on ADD meds you’re going to play a drinking game based on the library’s occurrences. Us college folk are always looking to make anything out of a drinking game, so why not turn the worst week of your life into a belligerent fest of nonsense? What you’ll need: A venti sized Starbucks cup filled with beer and a sharp eye. Number of players: The more the merrier! Level of intoxication: Just enough to enjoy doing your calculus homework. How to Play: -Have your friends meet at Hodges. -Pick a spot with a central location, get out your books and pretend to be studying. -Whip out your cleverly disguised venti brew stash . -Have your mouthwash/gum/garlic ready in case a “authority figure” comes by. -Get to people watching! Drink Once: - Every time you see someone popping an Adderall,
that’s worth one drink. - For each person in line at Starbucks past midnight. (If anyone buys a double shot of espresso, drink twice.) - If you see someone passed out on top of their textbook. You must also do it right next to them, gather a few friends to cheer you on if at all possible. - When you see someone planted on the floor between a random nook or corner of the wall because getting a desk is like winning the lottery. Drink Twice: - For each person that smoking their lungs out during study breaks. - For each person who leaves before eleven. - For each sleeping international student. - Each time Jimmy Cheek walks around whipping students back into shape. Finish you drink: - For every person you see still studying either upstairs or the Commons at 5 a.m. - Each time you see the Jimmy John’s car sitting outside Hodges. - For every football player accompanied by a tutor. By following each of these drinking rules, you might be lucky enough to pass out and completely miss your next final. It’s time we stop letting finals week ruin our lives and start making it a great pregame at Hodges!
download our free iphone and android app
quiz
By Eda Burger
What Late-Night Eatery Are You? 1) When are you the hungriest? a) At about 2 a.m. when you’re super drunk. You could eat a moose. b) When you’re super high. Something just makes you keep eating. c) When you wake up. Food. All day. 2) What’s your favorite drink to go with a meal? a) Beer. You’re an adult, and beer is tasty. b) Coke. Nothing like a good Coke to wash food down. c) Wine. Food is better when drunk, yes? And, you know, taste. 3) Who do you take with you to get food? a) Your roommate. b) The other drunk guy you found roaming around the Fort and are best friends with now. c) You go solo, no one needs to see this.
4) What did you ask for for Christmas? a) A flask. b) A mini-fridge for your dorm, you can whip up something nice even with just a microwave. c) A bunch of money that you’ll probably spend on drinks and then food once you’re drunk.
7) How do you usually spend your weekends? a) Going out to bars. Beers, bars, boobs, butts, sex, buttsex. b) Staying in with your roommates. You’ve got all the buds you need here. c) Getting out-of-this-world high. Like, staring-at-self-in-the-mirror high.
5) What kind of food do you want when drunk? a) The greasiest food available. b) Whatever’s closest. Yes, sometimes that means digging in the couch. c) Something healthy to offset tomorrow’s hangover. Science.
8) What are you willing to do to get food late-night when you’re drunk? a) I will kill another human being. b) The most you can manage is stumbling to the nearest place with food, even if that’s your neighbor’s fridge. c) You take it easy and just call for takeout, then try to stay up.
6) What’s the best hangover cure? a) Bread and other food to soak up the alcohol. b) Hot shower, water, coconut water, Gatorade, etc. c) More alcohol.
answer key
1) A=3 B=2 C=1 2) A=3 B=1 C=2 3) A=1 B=3 C=2 4) A=2 B=1 C=3
5) A=3 B=2 C=1 6) A=2 B=1 C=3 7) A=3 B=1 C=2 8) A=3 B=2 C=1
8-12 Points: Pres Court Chick-Fil-A/Subway: You are all about convenience and probably have been smoking and playing video games in your dorm until the wee hours of the morning when you realize you’re starving. You’re also probably a freshman, but don’t worry. It’ll get better. Though you really can’t beat having at least two options of places to eat at any time of day or night just a few feet away from your living quarters so that you can stumble back there and get back to gaming in no time. 13-18 Points = Jimmy John’s: So you want quickness, but also decent food. That’s admirable of you. If you get the lettucewrapped sandwiches, you’re a drunk sorat trying to lay off the carbs. If you get the J.J. Gargantuan, you’re any other drunk person who believes they can eat that much meat and cheese without throwing up all the Jim Beam in their stomach. But is there any better sound in the world than hearing the doorbell ring to find a Jimmy John’s sandwich waiting for you after a tough night out? 19-24 Points = The Hill: You’re The Hill. Convenient, if you’re already in the bar getting shwasty, but definitely not classy. But hey, if you’re ordering fried pickles at a place that calls Wednesday “Wine-Away Wednesday,” you’re probably not looking for class. You’re just looking for something greasy to soak up some of the alcohol so you can go back upstairs and sing karaoke with your friends without puking.
y r e v E ic riday! s u M Live ay and F d s r u h T
Join us every Tuesday for agave azul’s ladies night Drinks from $3.85 to $4.50 • Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Try our steak fajita specials, every night!
4405 Kingston Pike • Knoxville, TN • agaveazulmexicangrill.com
FINALS BINGO!
let us guess... you’re sitting in the library and can’t focus, right? well don’t scroll through facebook for the 10th time, play our library bingo! stay where you are, or take a loop around your floor, and see how many of these things you can find.
The Black Sheep’s
Guide to Wrapping a Gift
Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?
Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape.
Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a two-byfour, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brand-spankin’-new tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking
Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now, hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people. Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it… there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…
Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.
KNOXVILLE’S BEST BEER SELECTION!
COME ENJOY 96 BEERS ON DRAFT
L I V E M U S I C N I G H T LY OPEN
check out our rooftop patio at the new location
2200 cumberland ave
7 DAYS A WEEK!
mondays $4 cocktails w/ deep eddy vodka tuesdays $2 drafts* wednesdays half off all wines thursdays half off drafts* after 9 pm
COME UNWIND WITH FRIENDS! We invite you to enjoy great food, craft beer, pool tables and live, local music at Barley’s.
865.637.4663 www.sunspotrestaurant.com *excludes high-gravity
THE HISTORIC OLD CITY 200 E. Jackson Ave. Knoxville, TN 37915 www.barleysknoxville.com • 865-521-0092