The Black Sheep's
Fun and games issue
keep up all summer @BlackSheepUTK
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: The Madlib
page 5
Want to tell your parents about your semester but can’t find the right words? Here, let us help.
page 5: Top 10: Ways to Leave Your Mark on UT Everybody wants to be remembered for doing something great. Or, you know, for shoving alcohol somewhere where the sun don’t shine.
page 6: Rocky Top, You’ll ALways be Home Sweet Home to Me
Table of
Leaving out real home makes us nostalgic for all the horrible -- ahem, great times we’ve had here.
page 6: The Quiz Which Famous volunteer are you?
page 12: Are you Smarter Than The Cowboy Bouncer at The Hill?
page 13: What you should really be doing during finals week Watching Breaking Bad, obviously.
page 12
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After being banned from throwing racially insensitive parties, Kappa Omega started throwing socially insensitive parties.
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Lactate Chess Own
Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Hammer Into Worts last week’s answers
Jordana Brewster & Daniel Radcliffe
word of the week
Boysterous: An open proclamation of sexual joy by a female who just got laid.
“Lana boysterously screamed ‘Yeah, just got banged, bitches!’ from the rooftops moments after Rodrigo exited her apartment.”
page 4
the madlib
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The Drive Back with Your Parents
“Hey ___1___, how was your semester?” Your dad asks as you climb into your family’s ___2___ You don’t really want to tell them the shenanigans undertaken your first year of college, but as you’re still drunk on ___3___ the stories just start pouring out. “Well, last night I ___4___on a ___5___ and then woke up with a ___6___. And the night before, ___7___and I were at a frat house for a ___8___ party when the cops came and found a lot of ___9___. One kid got arrested, I don’t know how he got all that ___10___ in his ___11___! It was so___12___!” “___13___,” your dad says, “I remember my first ___14___ party. Did you meet any ___15___?” “Well,” you say, “there was this one night where I met ___16___ who had a ___17___. He told me to put my ___18___ in his ___19___and ___20___ .” Mom exclaimed “___21___. Did you do anything productive?” “Oh yes,” you say, “I joined the ___22___ club and tried to run for the secretary of ___23___ affairs, but never made it to the meetings because I was always ___24___. “I ___25___ you honey. It will be good to have you home,” your mother says as she looks at your father and ___26___.
1) Name 2) Type of car 3) Type of booze 4) Verb, past tense 5) Noun 6) Animal 7) Friend’s name 8) Theme 9) Illegal substance 10) Food or drink 11) Body part 12) Adjective 13) Exclamation 14) Noun
15) Derogatory name for members of the opposite sex 16) Celebrity 17) Weapon 18) Noun, plural 19) Noun 20) Verb 21) Silly word 22) Noun 23) Noun 24) Verb-ing 25) Verb 26) Verb, present tense
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The
Top 10
Ways to Leave Your Mark on UT
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Leaving your mark on campus is very important, especially if your time at school is running out, and all you have to leave behind are a bunch of hazy drunken memories. Here is a list of the top ten special ways to leave a part of you on the lovely UTK campus. Remember: pics or it didn’t happen! 10.) Graffiti in the stalls or on the library desks: This is completely an amateur move, but still a pretty solid way to leave. Engrave “Sigma Nu sucks dick – Q$” forever plastered on a wooden table, or “HAO shat here every day 8/22/2012-5/15/2013” in the shitter. 9.) Make out with the Torchbearer: Did you know this was a popular thing to do? We didn’t either. You may want to sterilize it, but if you’re feeling desperate, then go for it like it’s the last cold mouth you’ll ever touch. You’ll leave your mark by infecting the next drunken idiot to push his tongue all up in the statue. 8.) Bang on campus: Literally, leave evidence of yourself on the floors of Estabrook that never get cleaned. Or if you’re worried about them eventually tearing that piece of shit down, then that cute koi pond has a very nice bench outside that is so welcoming for public sexy times. 7.) Win SGA: The winners of the SGA campaigns are the deserving victors who leave their mark by changing the way things get done around here. We’re still pushing to have a slippery wet campus, but none of the men upstairs listen to us without the campus president backing us (hint hint, Baker / Atchley). 6.) Be an athlete: You’ll help raise revenue for the school by bringing in all the drunk adults who pay money to see you catch a ball. One of them might build an indoor sports complex just so that you stay in school one more year. Huzzah for the priorities of higher education! 5.) Bury something: We advise digging holes anywhere except the body farm (unless you really want to leave your mark on campus). What should you leave behind, you ask? Not the dead bodies you definitely didn’t unearth in the body farm, that’s for sure. 4.) Demolish the weird-ass statue on Pedestrian: The statue is confusing and out of touch with the rest of campus. You should demolish it the same way you demolish your emotions and everything else you find confusing. 3.) Make the news for alcohol-related phenomena: Butt-chugging is so last semester, so go above and beyond the call of doody to leave the largest skidmark the school’s ever seen. There are plenty of human orifices that have yet to be alcoholically explored.
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2.) Punch Jimmy Cheek in the cheek: Getting thrown out of school with a physical assault charge will certainly make headlines if you’re into that sort of thing. There’s a thin line between “leaving your mark on campus” and “being that dipshit who punched the chancellor in the shoulder and ran away screaming.” 1.) Graduate: This is the most surefire way to get your name marked down in the records. The neat part is that it’s legal and will forever leave you as a legit part of the university. Unless the university burns down, or they find out it was you who punched Jimmy Cheek in the butt while wasted on vodka eardrops.
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Rocky Top, You’ll Always Be
Home Sweet Home to Me UTK Gossip Girl wrote this It’s always weird to leave campus for the summer. After having spent far too many hours of your life at the great UTK during the school year, it starts to feel like home -- or at least like a place that’s slightly better than a cardboard box on the sidewalk. As we relax at home over the summer months, visiting high school friends and trying to hide our new college lifestyle from our parents, we’ll all undoubtedly miss several things about good ol’ Rocky Top. The construction: Tennessee’s campus was already a fantastic place to get in our daily exercise, walking up and down hills, around buildings, over walkways, and through traffic, but the construction only improved the amount of exercise we’d get every day. Construction would force us to take even greater detours and get in a good sprint or two to make it to class on time. Where on Earth will we get such excellent interval training over the summer? Not to mention the soothing noise of the jackhammers compared to our teachers’ droning voice. What will drown out our parents’ drone? The parking: You know, we take for granted how easy it is to park at our own houses, and how if you’re just a little too close to the grass you won’t get ticketed. Maybe UT is just trying to show us how deeply privileged we really are so we can better appreciate the little things. Like not having to pay $25 every time you leave your car anywhere.
The buildings: Honestly, how can we be expected to get anything done in our nice, clean houses, when we’re so used to our multi-colored wheeling chairs in HSS or the industrial look and feel of Dougherty? Besides, outdated 70s architecture is just so aesthetically appealing.
The administration: Whatever will we do over the summer without the constant stream of entertainment provided to us by our fine chancellor and his minions? What will we bitch about on Facebook without hearing about his ridiculous policies that he pulled out of his ass, all because a crazy state senator demanded it? Over the summer there will be a huge hole in our hearts where Cheek’s cheeks used to be.
And, of course, the Big Orange Screw: Nothing makes you feel like part of a community more than suffering at the hands of the UT bureaucracy. The feelings of camaraderie that emerge when you and ten of your peers bitch together in Circle Park will be lost over the summer…unless, of course, UT discovers that library book you forgot to turn in. Then you’ll be right back, surrounded by your screwed-over friends.
The athletics: The thrill we got from watching our football and basketball teams achieve an unprecedented level of mediocrity can only be matched by playing hours of Madden with our little brothers. We’ll just have to hope that our top recruits get themselves in trouble over the summer, as usual, so we’ll have something to talk about.
Yes, the University of Tennessee is full of such warm and fuzzy feelings and memories that will be sorely missed over the summer. We will all be eager to return in August to be once again sunburned on Pedestrian Walkway, fail to get our financial aid checks, and proudly sing Rocky Top at the top of our lungs without being judged.
the Quiz Which Famous Volunteer are You? 1) How much do you leave for a tip? a) Standard amount according to a tip calculator, frugality is important in this economy! b) A generous amount, I can appreciate someone trying to master their craft. c) If the waitress is a 10 she gets 10%! Woooooooo! Sex! 2) When do you get to class? a) On time, each day is another chance to perfect my timing. b) I never go, I just find a way to cheat. c) 10 minutes early, don’t want those seats in the front filling up! 3) Who on campus do you party with? a) My Greek family, the rich tradition is more pungent than the smell of stale beer. b) The athletes, we all need to be up at 7a.m. for workouts, so going to sleep at 10p.m. is no big deal. c) The hotties, I’m only after the finest pussy around, even if I gotta pay for it. 4) How often do you work out? a) All day every day, this body is a well-tuned machine. b) Enough to keep my health care insurance at a minimum. DAMN YOU, OBAMA! c) Does sex count?
5) What’s your favorite subject? a) Business, you see, the world economy is a delicate balance of…hey, wake up! b) Walking, I can talk when I do it, too! c) Sex ed, they show porn in there, right? 6) How do you pass your classes? a) I seduce the TA, then take incriminating pictures and bribe her into giving me an “A.” b) I go to class and work hard each and every day. c) I’m a genius, so, by doing genius-y things. 7) When do you stop drinking? a) Never, pass the Jack, made right here in good ole’ Tennessee. b) When I find someone DTF, or when I kidnap someone who’s DTF. c) When it’s necessary, f*cking Ravens. 8) How do you get money? a) The parents float me, they see my talents. b) Two jobs, I’m on the grind every day. c) Hustle babes, booze, and drugs…hugs sometimes.
answers answers answers answers answers
8-13: Peyton Manning
Peyton is the most famous UT alumnus and a pretty cool dude. He did well in school, has his own charity and football camp, and is a darn good quarterback. You’re just an old soul with a cool personality. You could do worse than being like Peyton.
14-20: Lamar Alexander
Everyone distrusts a politician, at least a little bit, but Lamar isn’t the worst UT alum to be. He may be a conservative Republican, but he was president of UT for a time, so at least you’re smart and ambitious. Yeah, we’ll go with that.
21-24: Bruce Pearl
Pearl did some good things when he was head basketball coach, but he also led the school into scandal and lied and cheated his way into “getting” “things.” You may lie cheat and steal your way to the top, but fuck it, you’ve got a babe in your bed and a bottle of booze in your fridge. Life ain’t bad.
1) A=2, B=1, C=3 • 2) A=2, B=3, C=1 • 3) A=2, B=1, C= 3 • 4) A=1, B=2, C=3 • 5) A=2, B=1, C=3 • 6) A=3, B=1, C=2 • 7) A=2, B=3, C=1 • 8) A=2, B=1, C=3
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's the first thing you're going to do after your last exam? “Celebrate by going to the pool and having fun with my friends to kick off the summer right!” - Julia
“I’m going for a pint walk.” - Tyler
“I don’t know yet, but I’m going to drink about it.” - Chris
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Grid
BLACKSTOCK
SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY: Shifty & The Headmasters, 10 pm
Coming in May: Rock4Revival Featuring Hurt, Smile Empty Soul, SSS, and Skytown Riot Get your tickets now at blackstocklive.com!
$4 Shot List Daily!
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY Dance Nights at Southbound!
MONDAY! Emery | Wolves At The Gate | The Seeking | Peace Mercutio | Everly @ NV ALL AGES | 6 PM $12 Adv | $15 Door
thursday 4/25
Caution, 10pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 pm
Blackstock Universiy, College Night $1.50 domestics
Boom Box and Strings Hip Hop Show sponsored by WUTK, 10pm
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
FRIday 4/26
Shifty & The Headmasters, 10 pm
Volapalooza After Party!
Luminoth with Villains and Cerulia, 10pm Drink Specials!
Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ Southbound | 21+ | 9pm
Magma Blood | Fast Nasty Subsurgence | Juntastic @ NV 18+, 9pm | $5 Door
saturday 4/27
Natti Love Joys, 10pm
Huglife aka DJ slink – Unleashed! 18 and up $5, Ladies free
The Gone Bads with Those Crosstown Rivals and Pegasi 51, 10pm Drink Specials!
Dance Night with Ray Funk @ Southbound 21+ | 9pm | Ladies free, Gents $5 after 11pm
Dance Night with DJ Eric B @ NV Nightclub | 18+ | 9pm Shigeto | Panther God | Cosmoore @ The Bowery 18+ | 9 PM | $7 Adv | $10 Door
sunday 4/28
3 Star Jubilee Presents: The Barstool Romeos CD Release Show, 8pm
Check out blackstocklive.com for upcoming shows and special events!
Knoxville Poetry Slam 7pm, FREE Half-Price Food Every Sunday!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
monday 4/29
Keith Brown and The New Jazz Fourtet, 10 pm Half Price Pint Night
Follow Us on Twitter! @blackstocklive
Open Mic Comedy, 9pm - 11pm 2 Drafts, 4 Shots, Free queso All Day
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Emery | Wolves At The Gate | The Seeking | Peace Mercutio | Everly @ NV ALL AGES | 6 PM $12 Adv | $15 Door
tuesday 4/30
Jordan Burris with Aaron Freeman, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
Email jay@blackstocklive.com to set up private events and parties!
Einstein Simplified Improv Troop 8pm, FREE Jason Ellis, 10pm, FREE $5 Burgers
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
WED. 5/1
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
Locals Only: Local Live Music – Always Free
Later That Day, Fifth Street Saints, Inward of Eden, 9pm $5 Nachos
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
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WEDNESDAY: Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
SPECIAL NIGHT
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
thursday 4/25
$5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
FRIday 4/26
$12 pizza and pitcher til midnight$3 Hanna shooter, $4 High Gravity Beers and $5 Walk Me Downs
Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
saturday 4/27
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
Closed Check out the facebook page!
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax
Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
sunday 4/28
$5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day
Closed But be sure to come back tomorrow night!
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
monday 4/29
Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
$5.99 Burgers and Sandwiches $2.50 Imports and Craft Beers $4.00 flavored vodka
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
$2 Drafts
tuesday 4/30
$1.50 PBR Tall Boys
$12 Pizza and Pitcher, $4 Jack Daniels
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
WED. 5/1
WEDNESDAY: $1.50 PBR Tall Boys
THURSDAY! Mexican Night! $1 tacos, $2.50 Mexican Beer, $4 Margaritas and $4 Patron
Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp
$2 Domestic Bottles
Mexican Night! $1 tacos, $2.50 Mexican Beer, $4 Margaritas and $4 Patron
College Night Thursday! $5 Pitcher of Beer and Free Buffet till 11, Karaoke Starts at 11 All new $5 Margarita Liquor Pitcher $1 Wells, $2 PBR tallboy Beer Pong Tourney!
$2.50 Blue Moon Drafts
$12 pizza and pitcher til midnight, $3 Hanna shooter, $4 High Gravity Beers and $5 Walk Me Downs
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page 10
THE
THE RIDDLE
theblacksheeponline.com
Do you know what's going on here?! Email us the question the riddle is asking plus the answer to said question, to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win something sweet!
summer music FESTIVAL MATRIX
want to hit up some sick festies this year, man? can't decide which ones you want to spend your parents’ money on? chill out, we've got a matrix to help narrow down some of the options for you.
page 12
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are you smarter than? the Cowboy Bouncer at the Hill
1) In the –illion chain, what comes after trillion? _________________________________________________ 2) What much-loved TV show sparked rumors of a comeback ten years after going off the air? _________________________________________________ 3) What tech company is currently testing self-driving cars? _________________________________________________ 4) In college football, what does BCS stand for? _________________________________________________ 5) What historic figure had the face that launched 10,000 ships? _________________________________________________
7) How much sperm does the average man produce in a day? _________________________________________________ 8) How many of the top 10 most sold albums ever are soundtracks? _________________________________________________
cowboy's answers
9) What is the Konami code? _________________________________________________
1)Bazillion 2) I don’t know. 3) Google 4) I hate football with a passion. 5) No clue.
10) Name one of the two countries with territory in the Tierra del Fuego. _________________________________________________
1) Quadrillion 2) Friends 3) Google 4) Bowl Championship Series 5) Helen of Troy 6) Jerry Springer 7) 120 million 8) Three 9) Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right 10) Chile or Argentina
correct answers
6) What talk show host is the former mayor of Cincinnati? _________________________________________________
the wordsearch
6) Jerry Springer. 7) 250 million 8) Three 9) No idea. 10) Brazil
cowboy's score: 3/10 correct
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sparklers
bamboozle
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wacko
candle
craizy daizy
blastoid
pyro gyro
black widow
whistling bungholes
willow
cherry bomb scooter stick husker do husker dont
krazy kaplan bombette brocade firefly fountain
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What You Should Really Be Doing During Finals Week tbs staff wrote this April is almost over, which means the end of spring semester is nigh. But, before that glorious day, students must get past one last hurdle: final exams. Now why in the world would anyone want to read an article about finals? Well, this isn’t really an article about finals at all; in fact, it’s very much about avoiding anything to do with finals at all costs. Seems right up your alley. Since you’re not going to be productive – again, you’re not studying for finals-- you have to find a way to pass the time. Hell, you’ve procrastinated your way through every semester up until now and you’ve done just fine…kind of. Remember, your parents don’t want you to succumb to peer pressure, and just because everyone is doing it, (studying) that doesn’t mean you have to do it too. Classes are over, which means you need to get your ass to a party, pronto. You’ve made it a whole semester filled with studying, stupid group projects and essays galore, and now it’s time to treat yourself with a party full of beer, music, dancing and denying you still have responsibilities. And think about how awesome everything is going to be: Volapalooza and Fort Sanders Fest will be this weekend, and even if you think Volapalooza will be lame, what with Tyga’s “Rack City” failing to dump those tens and twenties on your titties, think of all the amazing after parties that you could crash. Between classes and finals all signs point to partying. If you aren’t a partier there are plenty things for you to do as well, so you don’t skip straight to studying just because you don’t think we can talk you into doing something that’s both fun and alcohol-free; we made a deal, no studying, dammit. For instance, you could catch up on a lot of TV. You know those mutant friends who are somehow able to keep up with all their schoolwork while spending hours upon hours keeping up with all their shows. We know they suck, but now
is the perfect time to catch up on all those amazing shows they keep talking about like Breaking Bad, Mad Men and Game of Thrones. Or, you could just choose to catch up with the Kardashians. Should you choose to go this route, we’ll send you a noose free of charge, you know what to do. Or, if you’re looking far enough ahead (remember, past finals) you could coax yourself into the gym to work on your summer bod. Not everyone had the opportunity to go somewhere super-awesome for spring break, and many of those who lost out on the opportunity will go on a nice vacation following finals. Since our society tells us that it’s just not right for you to go to the beach without a proper set of abs or flat stomach bared proudly, head to the gym and do some cardio, work on abs, check out the opposite sex, and swim… and by “swim” we mean “tan by the pool.“ And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Man, I really need to start studying,” stop. Have you forgotten you also need to catch up with friends? How many times did you blow off your friends because you had to do schoolwork instead? Is it more than zero? This is your chance to reconnect with your friends and go on some awesome impromptu adventures. Go on a safari through the shady side of Knoxville, or have a “who can take the longest nap” contest in Hodges. Either way, it’ll be a whimsical adventure to a faraway land where finals don’t exist and there’s nary a care in the world, besides gang violence and night terrors. Or pamper yourself by taking the time to eat good food, because your poor body has been living on Taco Bell and Cook-Out every drunken night. Reward yourself with an actual meal. You don’t cook? Well, learn. Go on the internet and type in “food recipe, plz lol,” Google may not get the last half of it, but the first part is a shoe-in.
Whatever you do, it’s more important than studying. Especially if it starts with “chicken” and ends with “carbonara” Listen, these life experiences can teach you as much -- nary, more!— than any classroom setting can. If you and Leslie hadn’t gotten shitfaced and made out at that party, how would you have learned about sexism in modern America? Didn’t that twelve-hour nap teach you a lot about your circadian rhythm? Or what about the cooking, who needs a degree when you can work as a fry guy at McDonalds? Screw studying, there’s a whole new world out there for you right now!
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page 14
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The seek n find: ultimate frisbee
the crossword: Studying for finals
Across 1) Literature majors’ online study buddy 4) Secret Starbucks super-strong coffee 5) Last-second study session 11) Coffee alternative for the weak 12) Hope you've taken notes since day one if you've got one of these exams 13) Don't let one audibly slip in the library 14) They always manage to break right before your paper is due 17) Look at these for last minute cramming 18) Biblioteca, according to Spaniards 19) Where to vent your #studyprobz 20) Coffee shits can be described as such DOWN 2) As finals get closer, the price of this goes higher 3) A bubbly test form 6) "Adderall Alternative" by Genetech Pharmaceutical 7) "To ___ perchance to dream" 8) Adderall and meth have this in common 9) The social networking mecca of procrastination 10) It streams hours of procrastination 12) The lifeblood of studying 15) You'll have to borrow these after never going to class 16) Scientific word for "why coffee makes you pee"
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