The Black Sheep
AB
Vol. 4, Issue 14
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FR UZZ EE... L ON IKE C AS UN ATCH DAY ING MO RNI N G.
4/17/14 - 4/23/14
THE BATTLE OF THE BURRITOS AUSTIN McLAURINE WROTE THIS Forget the war on terror and all that crap happening overseas, the real war is occurring right here in Knoxville. Did you shiver a little bit reading that? Don’t worry; all you need to bring to this war is your hunger for the greatest American invention of the last thirty years: casual Tex-Mex dining. This fight is more vicious than you might expect, it’s waging a war on an emotional level. Look around; how many restaurants that can be described as Mexi-centric are near you, dear Knoxvillian? In this day and age, it’s a number accurately described as grande. On The Strip, Chipotle and Moe’s face off every day. Each business has their defenders, and the aftermath of these arguments end in black beans and rice violently spilled across the ground, a seat full of delightfully-spiced meat, with some pico de gallo splattered on the wall for good measure. The crumbs of a thousand crunched chips litter the floors of dining halls all across Knoxville. Each day as this ugly debacle continues, more salsa is senselessly spilled. Friend groups have split over where they are going to dine; One person votes Chipotle because their meat is raised on an open range, but gets shot down because another person vows by Moe’s free side of chips. Yet another person deems Salsarita’s the burrito master because of their dedication to making a fresh entree complete with free guacamole and perfectly-seasoned chips. Even still, some swear by Oscar’s Taco Shop and say all who deny their omnipotence are merely blasphemers. It doesn’t really matter who defends what, no one will agree on a place to get their faux-Mexican fix. What results from this senseless warfare is a Friday night devoid of any sustenance wrapped in tortilla. Pizza places are called while all parties are in tears. Papa John’s garlic sauce is drank as a way to dull the pain of indecision. Lone wolves can be seen on The Strip wandering into Jimmy John’s as they question their own belief in burritos. Burgers are quietly eaten as friendships are slowly torn apart like a poorly-sliced quesadilla. The ugliest thing about this war is that those fighting in it don’t realize how volatile it is until they’re only eating the loaded hash browns at Waffle House as their primary source of food. Thankfully, there is a solution to this problem that doesn’t involve a group vote: take-out. If everyone agrees not to discuss their choice of fulfillment
then the arguments cannot happen. The mask of ignorance is a beautiful thing: it allows one to believe that their friends’ burritos are one in the same as those that are being ingested themselves. Test groups in Knoxville have been given unmarked takeout boxes of their preferred burrito and the results give hope to a future free of guac-and-sour-cream-filled warfare.
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A COLLEGE STUDENT’S EASTER EGG HUNT
TOP 10 BEST EASTER ACTIVITIES TO DO WHILE HIGH
LOOKING FOR YOUR PANTS AND PHONE IS A LOT LESS FUN.
IT’S TIME TO MAKE THOSE EGGS LOOK REAL TRIPPY, MAN.
If your friends have recently suffered from the tragedy of burrito warfare, there is hope. It will take time to heal the bonds that have been strained by lettuce and queso, but with some perseverance we can be back to arguing over television rather than spending all weekend debating about where to eat. The great burrito question may never be solved, but at least now we can work on an answer to that question in harmony instead of division.
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JESUS OF BLAZERETH EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.
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A COLLEGE STUDENT’S EASTER EGG HUNT MEAGAN DAWSON WROTE THIS
To the rest of the Bible Belt, it’s Easter morning and Jesus Christ is back in action after a three-day siesta. To you, it’s just your typical Sunday of playing “Where the Hell is Everything I Own?” The game was fun back in freshman year when it was all so new, but by now you’ve wised up and you’re getting really tired of this shit. Luckily you’re a pro, so it’ll be a quick hunt. Figuring out where you are is your top priority. The good news is that your hung over BFF is in bed next to you, so at least you know you didn’t take your bad decision home with you last night. The bad news is that she’s still passed out and therefore useless. Realistically, even if she was awake, she probably has as much recollection of the night as you do. Which is zero. Solving the mystery of who’s next to you in bed just means that you’re at said BFF’s apartment at Lake Plaza. Great. Now figure out what exactly you’re missing. When in doubt, start with the essential P’s: phone, pants, purse. Find your phone first, you can always borrow (steal) pants and money from Passed-Out Pauline, but stealing iPhones is frowned upon. Retrace your steps. Drunk you probably got hungry, so…the fridge. Bingo! You left your baby next to the leftover Cook-Out. The most surprising part of this situation is the realization that you even had leftovers. Drunk you was concerned about sober you’s most important meal of the day, how sweet. Next item on the list: pants. Don’t listen to that voice in your head telling you to forget about them. Sure, pants suck worse than Nic Cage’s career, but society hasn’t progressed enough for going bottomless to be socially acceptable. Try looking in the usual places: under the bed, in the bed, in the bathroom. Oh look, your purse! In the bathtub? There’s probably a good
explanation for that, but you’ve got work to do. Moving on. If your pants aren’t in the usual places, that can only mean that they’re in the one place you would never think to look: the dryer. Sober you hasn’t done laundry in three weeks, but it looks like drunk you did a load last night. However, you didn’t do a very good job seeing as there’s the biggest purple stain on the face of the planet on the face of your crotch, or whatever. This is why you can’t have nice things. A quick flashback reminds you of the drunk bitch who spilled her tequila sunrise on you at Tin Roof, damn her. Thankfully, Passed-Out Pauline has nice things, like clean pants. With the basics taken care of you are free to advance to the Lightning Round of your Sunday morning game. You usually have the luxury of taking your time searching for the good stuff, but you have an Easter date with your parents and God (here’s to hoping you’re ready for Judgment Day). Here we go: shoes, keys, and booze. Ready, break! The booze is in the freezer, exactly where it should be. Drunk you has her priorities straight. Keys are sitting in some sort of blue liquid in the sink. Adopting the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy is probably best here. Your shoes, however, are MIA. This can mean one of two things: you either left your shoes at the club last night or sold them for the fifty bucks you just found in your bra. Either way, it looks like you’ll be borrowing (stealing) your girl Pauline’s killer Aldo wedges. And voila! From passed out and penniless to church ready in record-breaking time. So long as the Easter Bunny thinks like a drunk college kid you’ve got the real Easter egg hunt in the bag. Now get your sinning butt to church!
AROUND CAMPUS
THE
TOP
TEN
BEST EASTER ACTIVITIES TO DO WHILE HIGH KATZ PAJAMAZ WROTE THIS
However this glorious coincidence came to be we may never know, but this Easter is going to be one holy potsmokin’ blessed day. This Sunday, Easter falls on the same day as 4/20. Why not celebrate Easter with your best homies on the front porch with your favorite party favor: a huge doobie? In light of this momentous occasion we have come up with the best activities to do this Sunday while high as shit and lovin’ you some Jesus. 10.) Call the family you hate: Around Easter, you’re forced to exchange words with your extended family that you can’t stand. This year, you “can’t make it” to the family dinner, but phone chat will be so much easier if you’re blazed as shit. You’ll seem genuinely happy to make pointless conversation that you won’t even remember.
TWO DAYS A LAY:
THE FRATERNITY FORMAL STORY ALEX HARWARD WROTE THIS At this point in the semester most people are thinking of warm weather, summer and graduation. But there is something much more serious at stake for some: fraternity spring formals. That’s right, the next few weekends will be full of brothers and their dates trekking across state borders to the east coast with the goal of enjoying two days of drunken beach life. It may sound like all fun and games, but there’s an untold story here: the tale of girls who are a frat boy’s date for two days, and the oppressive tasks they’re forced to endure. The Black Sheep has a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s like to be a girl caught in the middle of spring formal season. Brace yourselves for cooler painting and day drinking in this harrowing issue of “Two Days a Lay.” First comes a dreaded ritual, the painting of the cooler. Yes, the rumors are true, if you’re a lucky lady invited to a fraternity spring formal it’s implied that, in return for the invite, you must paint a cooler for your date and fill it with booze. At first you were excited to do a little crafting to please your date, but you soon realize it’s a task from hell. You work on it every single day yet no progress seems to be made. And suddenly, it’s the night before you leave and you have to pop some Addy just to make it through. Talk about fun. Then there’s the bus ride. You’re basically required to sit next to your date, regardless of whether or not you have other friends going. To some this is perfectly acceptable, but those who hardly know their date, the next seven hours can only be described as pure, unadulterated torture. How long can one person hold a fake conversation, anyway? Just close your eyes and maybe, just maybe, they’ll think you’re sleeping.
06
After all you’ve already been forced into, there’s still the awkwardness of the hotel room situation. Once you finally arrive at the destination you’ll go straight to your hotel room, and what you find there is not a pretty sight. To your shock and utter dismay there’s only one bed…ONE BED. You look around the room with panicked eyes, your date winks at you and by accident you throw up in your mouth a little. Beware: cuddling will occur. Then it’s time to face the beach party. You and your date lug that dreadful cooler out onto the sand and start funneling so you can pretend it’s not awkward. There will be pictures you don’t remember with people you don’t know, but you do it all to maintain the impression that you’re a “good date.” Just a few more days of oppression and you’ll be free. But before that there is an actual formal you must attend. You brought your best dress and are dolled up to the nines, but your date is already shitfaced and all he can mutter is, “Oh, you’re wearing that?” Be strong, ladies, it’s just one last night of the silent struggle. You can’t let your oppressors get to you. Sleep in the bathtub if you have to. If you happen to be one of these “lucky” gals, we wish you the best, because the two-day getaway you’re about to embark on will be one of demanding physical and emotional stress. Getting asked to one of these formals is only the beginning of your downfall as a classy human being. The next few weeks (or days, if you’re one of the unlucky ones) leading up to the event will only cause severe drama and pain in your life. You may be excited now, but by the end, the only real goal of the weekend will be to survive all while attempting to keep your dignity intact.
9.) Three-legged race: Normally you wouldn’t catch a bunch of college students having a three-legged race in the park, but things change when you toss in a little weed encouragement. There might be a couple injuries and possible trips to the ER, but it might be one of the funniest things you’ll ever witness when your friends fall on their face only to jump up shouting “Go Vols!” 8.) Reenact that Miley Cyrus video: Remember that one time Miley dressed up in a bunny suit and twerked in front of a camera for five minutes? To celebrate Easter, everyone should dress up in giant bunny costumes (high as hell) and choreograph their best music video. That shit will go viral. 7.) Get grandma to the party: Easter is one of the few times we like chillin’ with our grandmothers, dressing fancy and pocketing the $20 she gives you before you leave. This time, tell old granny to come to the bakefest with all your homies and help her remember what the 60s were like. 6.) Baked goods: There are a lot of women on this campus who cannot be bothered with making homemade goods for fear that they will burn down their apartment or poison themselves. However, on Easter no baked good goes undone… Especially if said baked good is laced with mass quantities of marijuana. You’ll be a regular Paula Deen with the mindset of Wiz Khalifa. 5.) Go to church: It might make your parents feel a lot better if you told them you spent your Easter going to church with your friends. What they don’t know is that you all got baked before the service. It still counts if you show up, so if taking advantage of this momentous double-holiday is the only thing helping you sit through an hour of church, might as well toke up. 4.) Need more candy: By replacing the normal munchies with a shit-ton of Easter goodies like jelly beans and chocolate bunnies, you and your high homies will get a sugar high as well. We’ve got to take advantage when we can, people. These dates coinciding only happens once every millennia after 20 virgins are sacrificed on the altar of weed. 3.) Egg and spoon race: Imagine watching your friends attempting to run and balance an egg on a spoon while blazed out of their skulls. The best excuses you will hear while they drop it will be “the spoon is too shaky” or “WHO TOOK MY EGG!?” or “SINCE WHEN WAS THIS AN ACTUAL GAME!?” 2.) Egg painting: The most prominent activity you used to do with your family on Easter has now turned into getting all of your friends together to paint Easter eggs with little marijuana leaves all over them. You’ll think it’s the best work you’ve ever done, but when you look tomorrow they’ll just have swirly shapes all over them. 1.) Super-high egg hunt: One beautiful and majestic not-high person is going to hide several plastic bags of weed in a field and let loose all of their stoned friends to find them. This will take hours considering they’ll forget where they are several times during the hunt. The person who finds the most bags of weed doesn’t pay for the next pick up for the rest of the year. Just watch out for the bicycle cops in World’s Fair Park!
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE OBSCURE WORD AND WHAT’S THE DEFINITION? Jessica
“Onomatopoeia, it’s a word that makes a sound, like ‘meow.’”
Lakshmi
“Debauchery, excessive indulgence in sensual pleasures.”
Spence
“Shenanigans, when you think you got jokes, ‘clowning around.’”
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The Black Sheep is Hiring Writers quickly and easily apply today: theblacksheeponline.com/jobs
JACKSON AVE. MARKET
THE BAR GRID BLACKSTOCK For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
Saturday: Crawfish Boil, $25 First 50 to Sign-up Get a Free T-Shirt, Pint Glass, 2 Beer Tickets and a Koozie $2.50 Sweetwater Pints All Day Live Music from Brendon James Weight & The Wrongs
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
Thursday 4/17
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$4.50 Vodka Bombs $2 Bottles $7 Double Vodka Red Bull
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Friday 4/18
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm! Tom Johnson, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers All Night $5 Double LIT
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Chuck Mullican Jazz Bonanza, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Crawfish Boil, $25 First 50 to Sign-up Get a Free T-Shirt, Pint Glass, 2 Beer Tickets and a Koozie $2.50 Sweetwater Pints All Day Live Music from Brendon James Weight & The Wrongs
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
SPECIAL NIGHT
Saturday 4/19 Sunday 4/20
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts & $2.50 Wells, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers All Day
Monday 4/21
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers from 9pm-closing
Tuesday 4/22
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Wednesday 4/23
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Barry Roseman, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
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Fort Sanders Yacht Club
THE BAR GRID Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
SAT: Disco Night!
Saturday and Sunday: Brunch 10am - 4pm Over 30 Menu Items, Create Your Own Brunch!
Everyday: $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
FRIDAY! Tribal Fusion Belly Dance Event, 8pm, $10
Ladies Night! 1/2 off everything for women! Beer and appetizers 4pm-close Liquor and wine 4pm-10pm 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville DJ and Dancing starting at 9!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Killians Red & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Sweet Water IPA & More!)
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Lager/Lite/Bockbeer, Mich Amber & More!) $3 Imports (Fat Tire, Shiner White Wing, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
Brunch 10am - 4pm, $3 Mimomas 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm. Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-of-the-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, New Belgium 1554/Spring Blond & More!)
Best Brunch in Downtown Knoxville! 10am - 4pm Home of the $3 Mimosa
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
SPECIAL NIGHT
Sin, Yak strangler, Big Bad Oven, Spades Cooley, 9pm, $5
Bring Your Own Vinyl and Record Swap Night + Weekly Raffle for $25 Gift Certificate to Wild Honey Records $1 OFF ALL IMPORTS!!
Thursday 4/17
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
Tribal Fusion Belly Dance Event, 8pm, $10
Live Music Nights! (please PM for booking)
Friday 4/18
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
The Damned Angels, Roman Reese & The Cardinal Sins, Indie Lagone, 9pm, $5
Bring your own disco records!
Open 12 - 6 $5 Hookah! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
“420” with HomeMade Wine and the Corbitt Brothers, 8pm, $5 Sponsored by Sweetwater 420
Open at 8pm! Video Game Tournament Night - Winner Receives $12 Bar Credit! PLUS HAPPY HOUR FROM 8-10:30!
Sunday 4/20
Try our new spring menu!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!), $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Stella, Sweet Water IPA & More!) $5 Hookah Sessions!
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Comedy Con Queso Comedy - Stand-Up Open Mic, 9pm, FREE
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Monday 4/21
1/2 off large pizza from 4-close - Dine in only Scarecrow Winter Games! Play our games and have a chance to win a grand prize trip to Las Vegas!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Yuengling Lager/ Lite & More!), $3 Imports (New Belgium Fat Tire/1554/ Spring Blond & More!)
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Improv Comey Show, 8pm, FREE!
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Tuesday 4/22
1/2 off bottles of wine 4pm - 10pm Excluding house bottles
Live Painting Sessions! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Bockbeer, Mich Amber, & More!), $3 Imports (Shiner White Wing, Blue Moon, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
Michele and the Wide Open Road with Misery & Gin, 9pm, FREE!
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & Ciders are $1 off!
Wednesday 4/23
Disco Night!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Saturday 4/19
f O s u s e J
h t e r e z Bla ote this Nic Kanaar wr
jesus of blazereth
This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.
The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes.
jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.”
The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him:
“We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said.
“They have no wine!” Mary said.
Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.”
Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of
“Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched.
“No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus yelled:
“Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.
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BARTENDER
Favorite Drink: Highland Oatmeal Porter Favorite Shot: Jameson, straight Disgusting Drink: Buttery nipple What’s summer like around Sunspot?: Nice scenery – take that as you will. What drink is best in warm weather, but can’t be consumed in winter?: Lemon berry shandy.
ROCKSTAR
What clothing change are you most excited for?: Changing into and out of a bathing suit. Put two words together to make a new, dirty word: “Peath” – let the imaginations roam. So I guess Obama was right about global warming, huh?: I thought it was John Kerry?
OF THE WEEK
What have you done for me lately?: I can’t do anything for you until I get your number. Do you think the robots are listening to us right now?: Yes and his name’s Big Brother.
Micah of Sunspot
DRINKING GAME Easter Egg Bombs It’s time for everyone’s favorite holiday, Easter! It’s so great! There’s candy and eggs and creepy bunnies and dye that never comes off your fingers! How amazing! Let’s get drunk! What You’ll Need: 5-dozen eggs, shot glasses and your favorite tequila. Number of People: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: May the eggs be ever in your favor. How to Play: - Take about a half-hour and hard boil half of those eggs. For those of you who are keeping track, that’s 30 eggs. If you don’t know how to do this, call your mom or ask the Google. - Once the eggs are done, give them a chance to cool. Toss them in the refrigerator. Otherwise, it’s going to be really easy to tell which ones are hard boiled and which ones aren’t. - When everything’s cool, take out the egg cartons and place them on the table. - One by one, blindly pick one egg from all of the cartons. Hand it to the person next to you and have them throw it at you from ten or so feet away. - If it breaks, that sucks! Take a shot of tequila too, so you can further embarrass yourself. - If it doesn’t break, you got lucky this time. Have the next person draw an egg and continue on.
12
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because they have the best reporters ever.
RECIPE for DISASTER Simple, Sexy Sugar Cookies Oh god, these aren’t the ones from the tube? You mean, like, I have to measure stuff? But… uh…what about, I mean do you think the store is open so we can just go get a tube of them? Do we even have flour? Why did we wait until 2a.m. to do this, Karen? What You Need: 2 ¾ cups flour, 1 tsp baking soda, ½ tsp baking powder, 1 ½ cups white sugar, 1 cup of butter, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla extract Cook Time: 25 minutes Fatty Factor: SHUT UP KAREN, I NEED THE SUGAR TO HELP ME STUDY. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. -Melt the cup of butter in a saucepan over very low heat. -In a bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda and baking powder. -In another bowl mix the melted butter and sugar together until smooth. -Beat egg and vanilla into the butter and sugar mix. -Gradually blend dry mixture into the butter mix. -Roll into about one dozen balls. Slightly smoosh them, and place the smooshed balls onto a parchment paper-covered baking sheet. -Bake in oven for 8-10 minutes. -The cookies will be soft when you pull them. This is normal. Don’t continue cooking past 12 minutes, or you’ll burn the bottoms. -Let rest for at least 5 minutes.
The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone, and you guys could make a mean-ass omelet with shit on your face.
Try to eat just one. Really, try, because you’ll fail. You’ll fail and everyone will think you’re a big fat fatty (because you are.)
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GROWING BAD: A TALE OF SENIORITIS SCOTT HANNAH WROTE THIS Senior Andre Grippin thought it was a normal trip to the Student Health Center. After coming down with a cough he just wanted to make sure it was nothing serious. Unfortunately, the doctor gave him worse news than he could ever imagine. “Andre, I’m afraid you have senioritis,” he said gravely. It was way worse than Andre ever expected. With no motivation, Andre had no hope of finishing school and no idea how he would pay off his very high Jimmy Cheek-driven student loans, a debt he didn’t want to pile on his parents when he would inevitably move back in with them. One day, after watching Scarface for the fifth time in a week, the idea struck him: as a plant science major, he knew just about everything he needed to know to grow some pretty dank weed. But how would he go about it? He had never really interacted with dealers before, and he didn’t want any of his close friends to know so
they wouldn’t spill the beans to his longtime girlfriend Emily, whose dad William worked in the drug crimes division of the UTPD. Finally, he decided to call a dude he remembered from his freshman orientation who was trying to sell weed to everyone in Clement. His name was Ben Williams. “I’m just a small-time pot peddler,” Ben told Andre, “but I know enough people in the ‘business’ around Knoxville to be helpful. Ben and Andre met at Chipotle to discuss their business and agreed to split everything 50/50. Andre thought he had found his ticket to Easy Street. In his classes, Andre had experimented with different soils and nutrients he knew how to get the most out of everything he grew. He knew that his pot would be very potent and very desirable, so through his craftiness with light and soil, he grew blue plants at a little-known and never-used greenhouse on the Ag Campus. He was growing pot so fast and there was such a high demand that Ben
couldn’t keep up. Luckily, one of Ben’s steady clients was a law school 2ndyear named Cole Murphy. He helped defend students before the judicial affairs board, so he knew some shady people. “For a small cut of the profits,” he said to Andre and Ben, “I’ll get you in touch with a man who controls the whole weed distribution chain around campus.” “Hell,” he offered, “I’ll even defend the two of you skeezes if you ever get in any legal trouble.” Enter Claudio Trombazzi. Trombazzi was the biggest name in weed on UT campus, but you wouldn’t know that from his extensive list of extracurricular activities. If there was a club or organization on campus, he was probably leading it. As he swiveled around in his desk chair to meet Ben and Andre, he told them that as a business major, he’d learned that the real money was in drug trafficking. “I’ve been quietly making a fortune for three years, and the chance to work with the best grower in the state was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up,” he said. Andre was making a name for
himself. For months, Andre and Ben worked happily under Claudio, making more money than they had ever dreamed. Until, that is, a source told Andre: “No one grows weed for Claudio for too long, because as soon as any argument surfaces, Claudio has them exposed, arrested, and expelled from the university. Bam! Just like that. Being a member of the student judicial affairs board, he always has deniability when he’s accused of being the kingpin. How could such a busy student with a steady 3.8 GPA run a crime syndicate?” Unnerved by this news and afraid that they’d be next, Andre and Ben consulted Cole on how to get rid of Claudio, and to do it in a way that Emily and her father wouldn’t find out about Andre’s cooperation. Andre set up Ben and Claudio for a meeting. However, unbeknownst to them, Andre had called William, Emily’s drug agent father, and told him the infamous blue weed dealers were meeting. Cole found out before
it was too late and warned Ben, who managed to escape before the police arrived and took Claudio down. At this point Ben was furious, and agreed to work with William in order to take down the real mastermind behind the blue weed. But seeing William’s piss poor attempts to capture Andre, Ben took matters into his own hands, taking Emily hostage until Andre turned himself over to William
or Ben himself. After an indescribably bloody ending, Andre and William were dead, and Emily’s life would never be the same. Ben drove off onto the set of Need for Speed, and Cole got his own spin-off. So at the end of the day, maybe it’s easier to just go ahead and write that paper instead of complaining about having senioritis.
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15
the madlib
my 4/20 adventure
For me and all my bros in ___1___, we have grand plans of making the most out of 4/20 landing on a Sunday. But like most groups of stoners, our plans were a little too ambitious. Starting right at the stroke (toke) of midnight, we were going to light up some ___2___ ___3___ our favorite bud, and listen to our jam, ___4___. Then we were going to rip some shots of Hennessy - because rap music - and party until the break of dawn, baby. Our buddy and drug dealer, who goes by ___5___, was going to come over with his vaporizer and we were going to fade away into the night. Naturally, the next morning, the plan was to wake up and, you guessed it, bake some ___6___. There’s usually some stoner movies on TV, like ___7___ or Super High Me, so we were gonna recuperate from the wild night, order some ___8___ and chill, man. Then we were gonna hit up the local disc golf course in ___9___ and smoke our ceremoni-
ous joint at Hole Four, which has to be the ___10___ ___11___ ___12___, which is super, super heady stuff. After the 18th hole, the plan was to head to ___13___, eat a bunch of ___14___, then mosey back to the crib and hit the vaporizer that ___15___ will naturally forget to take with him. But, you know, 4/20 in actuality was a lot more chill for us. For starters, ___16___ got arrested outside of ___17___and we couldn’t get any bud. We were all so depressed at midnight that we went to bed, and then slept in until ___18___. Luckily ___19___ finally got ahold of his ___20___TA and got us a gram of ___21___ ___22___, so taking one hit of that was enough to make me melt into the La-Z-Boy we found in the alley on ___23___. We were all feeling a little lazy to hit up disc golf, so we just stayed at home, played Mario Party and ordered ___24___. We all tried to take some mad resin hits, which actually proved semi-successful.
1) Your dorm freshman year 2) Color 3) Old president 4) Classic rap song 5) Exotic animal 6) Slang for marijuana 7) Recent romantic comedy 8) Local take-out 9) Town outside of your college town 10) Starbucks size 11) U.S. state 12) Dog breed 13) Local diner 14) Breakfast food 15) Person from 6 16) Person from 6 17) Local bar 18) Time between noon and 4 p.m. 19) Most responsible friend 20) School subject 21) Verb-ing 22) Planet 23) Holiday 24) Worst delivery pizza