A THE B W SEENTIS R D E S PRE E F R E E D O M U A H A N E G A N D A C M S H E I I S S U E L P E E H S K LAC
THE FUN AND GAMES ISSUE Volume 4, Issue 14 • 4/24/2014 @BlackSheep_UTK
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the quiz
What UT Celebrity Internship Will You Have This Summer? Austin McLaurine wrote this
1. What’s your favorite way to spend a day off? a. Playing some pick-up games with your friends. b. Listening to music with no real plans. c. Reading a book while the sun sets. 2. What color describes you best? a. Blood red. b. Blue. c. Orange. 3. What’s your outlook on life? a. Life is what you make of it! b. Live on a day-to-day basis. c. Only you can control what kind of person you want to be. 4. What is your dream job? a. Being paid tons of sweet, sweet cash to be in shape. b. Writing best-selling books filled with violence and debauchery. c. Being so successful you can open an amusement park complete with an affiliated water park.
answer key:
5. What would be your ideal vacation? a. Hiking the Smokies. b. Hopping from town to town across the country. Why stay put? c. Riding horses across Texas fields. 6. What movie would you choose to watch? a. No Country for Old Men b. Walk the Line c. Friday Night Lights 7. Big test tomorrow. What do you do? a. Study, what else? b. If you refuse to acknowledge the test, how can it exist? c. Listen to music while you pretend to study. 8. You’re late for class. What do you do? a. Put that daily exercise to use and book it. b. Show up on your own time. c. Eh, it probably wasn’t meant to happen anyway.
8-12: Dolly Parton: Although not actually a graduate of UT, she has an honorary degree. As Dolly’s intern, you will aid her in her daily schedule which definitely entails maintaining Dollywood and brainstorming country-themed ride ideas. You’d be sure to hear lots of music throughout the day as well. 13-19: Cormac McCarthy: Best-selling author of books such as The Road and Blood Meridian, you’d spend your days helping him organize notes on bleak subjects such as murderous cowboys and post-apocalyptic wastelands. Sounds depressing, but he probably has a wealth of stories no one else will hear. 20-24: Peyton Manning: As Peyton’s intern, you would spend a lot of time helping him stay in shape by keeping track of his exercise routine and making sure he is stocked up on protein shakes. He would probably even spot you some free tickets. Be prepared to catch the ball when he throws it, it will probably hurt.
1) a=3 b=1 c=2 • 2) a=2 b=1 c=3 • 3) a=1 b=3 c=2 • 4) a=3 b=2 c=1 • 5) a=1 b=3 c=2 •6) a=2 b=1 c=3 • 7) a=2 b=3 c=1 • 8) a=3 b=1 c=2
CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
JOBS FOR THE KNOXVILLE STRANDED MEAGAN DAWSON WROTE THIS
So you’ve decided to stay in Knoxvegas for the summer, and your parents want you to get a job. Don’t freak out, The Black Sheep is here to provide you with a few options: 10.) Uh…A Real Job?: Maybe they were right. It’s time for you to grow up, get a job, and eventually settle down with a local. Or, nah. Minimum wage sucks, customers suck, retail sucks. Never grow up, especially not this summer. Stay golden, Ponyboy. 9.) Social Media Expert: Take the time you aren’t using for work, and spend it tweeting. And pinning, and posting, and Instagramming, and yaking, and Tinder hunting. Do it all. Nothing says “good candidate for the job” like a well-rounded, well-connected techie.
WHAT TO EXPECT FOR
FALL SEMESTER SMOKEY BONES WROTE THIS
Cheek’s regime has been tearing down every building on campus, and this semester we’ve had to deal with the messy fallout. Over the summer we hope that some progress will have actually been made. Hell, maybe UT should take a crack at hiring whoever Evolve and U Walk have to build their apartments in mere months, and then all the campus construction will be done in no time. What are these great new projects that we can expect to be done (or at least closer to completion) by the time most students grace Knoxville with their presence again in the fall? Let’s take a look. Right now the biggest pain in the collective students’ ass is the renovation of the UC. Legend has it that the UC construction won’t be finished until a football legend the likes of which this university hasn’t seen since the glory days of Sir Peyton walks the halls of grand ol’ Ayers and gazes upon its checkerboard tower. In the meantime, however, a new pedestrian bridge will be completed and open for use by the time fall semester rolls around. This means considerably less uphill-downhill travel for those who daily walk the paths from Hodges to The Hill, which is indeed cause for great rejoicing while we wait for our football savior. A brand-spankin’ new co-ed dorm is also set to open next semester. We’re sure that the completion of Fred D. Brown residence hall will be a great relief to those who have to live in the other residence halls around Pres Court, since the sound of jackhammers will no longer be their daily wake-up call. This dorm will also be the first new one built in 40 years, which means that freshmen not living in Brown next semester will be hugely jealous of those who are. C’mon, UT, you can’t at least give all the other Pres Court dorms something more than cinderblock walls and floors that are cold and hard as shit before you build this nice, new residence hall? The rest
06
of them will look like slums compared to Brown. While they were at it, UT decided to make sure that they give the athletes a new residence hall and dining area, because god forbid they go a full fifteen minutes without being pampered. We can sleep safe knowing that asbestosridden Gibbs has been demolished. A new parking garage along Volunteer is also part of the project, so it’s good to know that UT is actually planning on creating more parking around campus; our pleas must have finally been heard! Thank you, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, whoever. Still, don’t plan on scoring any of these sweet new parking spots until summer of 2015. Sorry soon-to-be seniors, looks like your days of fighting over that last spot in the lot near Thompson-Boling are not over yet. Another big change coming to a campus near you is the addition of a Wal-Mart right by the west end of campus. These future freshmen will be spoiled, being able to walk to get their latenight fix of something that is –of course– only sold at Wal-Mart. Which, up until next semester, has been a good 15-minute drive away. However, the convenience may be outweighed by the inconvenience of creating an area that will only drive more traffic down already trafficladen and super-annoying Cumberland Avenue. Only time will tell. With all of these demolitions, renovations, and constructions happening on and around campus this fall, the semester is sure to be full of exciting new changes and probably also a lot of unexciting traffic jams. We’ll have the opportunity to once again walk to AMB on a flat surface, enjoy visiting friends in a brand new residence hall (what are the chances you’re gonna live there? Probz zero), and also be able to visit Wal-Mart whenever our hearts desire. At UT, we’re livin’ the dream, people.
8.) Movie Critic: Staying at school over the summer is fun, right? The party never ends, right? Wrong. Most people went home, and now the only thing you have in your life is Netflix. Between movie marathons, take the time to fill out a satisfaction survey or two. 7.) Official Plasma Donor: With the UTK druggies gone, the Plasma Donation Center will be awfully lonely this summer. Why not become their best patron? Add plasma donations to your weekly routine and rake in the dough. 6.)Smokey’s Play Pal: With most of the student population gone, this is one pup that could use a little more stimulus. Perk him up and keep him lively during the dog days of summer, and reap a great human treat in return: cold, hard cash. 5.) Pool Tester: There is no shortage of pools in Knoxville. However, in the summer there is a shortage of sun-tanned, moderately intoxicated patrons at these pools. How are the landlords supposed to know what works and what doesn’t? Spend your summer hopping from pool to pool, pointing out the good, the bad, and the dangerous. 4.) McDonald’s Bouncer: It’s no secret that the McDonald’s on The Strip is a local junkie hot spot. This summer, take it upon yourself to defend your Dollar Menu. Maybe Mickey D’s will be so grateful for your services, they’ll consider paying you. Maybe. 3.) Drunchy Taste Tester: If New York is the city that never sleeps, Knoxville is the city that always eats. Take a late night tour of fast food, diners, and delivery. Be sure to take notes on what’s worth getting twice, then charge fellow students for a subscription to a very esteemed email chain. 2.) Health Inspector: Wanted: late night food that is both delicious and safe to eat. Ever since several of The Strip favorites’ health ratings have gone down, students have been afraid to eat at their usual places. Don’t get us wrong, they still eat there, just hesitantly. It would just be nice to know for sure where is safe and where isn’t. 1.) “Student”: Why don’t you give the whole “taking classes” thing a shot? After all, that is what you told your parents you were doing here over the summer anyway. What’s the worst that can happen? Besides depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation, isolation, and the possibility of flunking out of school, that is…
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT FICTIONAL FINAL WOULD YOU MOST EASILY GET A 100% ON? Ryan
“A Sex and the City trivia final.”
Hannah
“An Overactive Pinterest Addict final.”
Nikki
“Eating mass quantities of food and no one suspecting a thing.”
07
The Black Sheep is Hiring Writers quickly and easily apply today: theblacksheeponline.com/jobs
JACKSON AVE. MARKET
THE BAR GRID BLACKSTOCK For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
TUESDAY: $2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
Thursday 4/24
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$4.50 Vodka Bombs $2 Bottles $7 Double Vodka Red Bull
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Friday 4/25
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm! Pamela Klicka, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers All Night $5 Double LIT
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
Saturday 4/26
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Mark Boling, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers All Night $5 Double LIT
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
SPECIAL NIGHT
Sunday 4/27
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts & $2.50 Wells, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers All Day
Monday 4/28
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers from 9pm-closing
Tuesday 4/29
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Wednesday 4/30
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Garrit Tillman, Playing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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Fort Sanders Yacht Club
THE BAR GRID Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
SAT: Disco Night!
Saturday and Sunday: Brunch 10am - 4pm Over 30 Menu Items, Create Your Own Brunch!
Everyday: $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
FRIDAY! The Highs, Pink and Blue, and TBA, 10pm, $5
Ladies Night! 1/2 off everything for women! Beer and appetizers 4pm-close Liquor and wine 4pm-10pm 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville DJ and Dancing starting at 9!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Killians Red & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Sweet Water IPA & More!)
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Lager/Lite/Bockbeer, Mich Amber & More!) $3 Imports (Fat Tire, Shiner White Wing, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
Brunch 10am - 4pm, $3 Mimomas 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm. Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-of-the-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, New Belgium 1554/Spring Blond & More!)
Best Brunch in Downtown Knoxville! 10am - 4pm Home of the $3 Mimosa
Open 12 - 6 $5 Hookah! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Try our new spring menu!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!), $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Stella, Sweet Water IPA & More!) $5 Hookah Sessions!
1/2 off large pizza from 4-close - Dine in only Scarecrow Winter Games! Play our games and have a chance to win a grand prize trip to Las Vegas!
1/2 off bottles of wine 4pm - 10pm Excluding house bottles
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
SPECIAL NIGHT
Nick Dittmeier with Greg Horne 8pm, FREE
Bring Your Own Vinyl and Record Swap Night + Weekly Raffle for $25 Gift Certificate to Wild Honey Records $1 OFF ALL IMPORTS!!
Thursday 4/24
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
The Highs, Pink and Blue, and TBA, 10pm, $5
Live Music Nights! (please PM for booking)
Friday 4/25
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
Exit 65, The John Myers Band, The Lonetones, Chris Durman, Kevin Abernathy, 9pm
Bring your own disco records!
Disco Night!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Saturday 4/26
Closed
Open at 8pm! Video Game Tournament Night - Winner Receives $12 Bar Credit! PLUS HAPPY HOUR FROM 8-10:30!
Sunday 4/27
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Comedy Con Queso Comedy - Stand-Up Open Mic, 9pm, FREE
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Monday 4/28
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Yuengling Lager/ Lite & More!), $3 Imports (New Belgium Fat Tire/1554/ Spring Blond & More!)
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Improv Comey Show, 8pm, FREE! Tyler Childers, 10pm, FREE!
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Tuesday 4/29
Live Painting Sessions! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Bockbeer, Mich Amber, & More!), $3 Imports (Shiner White Wing, Blue Moon, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
Charlie and the FoxTrots with Radio Birds, 9pm
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & Ciders are $1 off!
Wednesday 4/30
ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this
Well, it’s about that time of the year again. The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.
ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals 10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns
4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs
For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.
Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.
3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on 7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd
Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”
We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.
6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival
9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.
“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.
8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s
2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd
Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not. Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?
One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.” Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.
5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts
Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.
1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do
It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.
Are You SMARTER
THAN?
1) Literature: This Harper Lee classic won the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. 2) Food: Chanterelle and Porcini are types of this produce. 3) Geography: Europe’s microstate Andorra is sandwiched between the borders of two countries. Name one. 4) Music: What 80s rap group struck anti-establishment gold with hits like, “Straight Outta Compton” and “F*** the Police”? 5) Biology: The 21 variations of these organic compounds found in the human body allow it to produce thousands of different proteins.
KELSEY KENY, 2014-15 SGA PRESIDENT
DRINKING GAME You Can’t Take it With You Finals are over. Summer is here. Why is it, then, that you’re anxious? Maybe it’s because nothing is packed up and your parents will be here tomorrow. They’re not going to let you take that half a handle, quarter of a fifth, and half a case of beer in the car with you, so, uh…here goes nothin’. What You’ll Need: Whatever beer, wine, and liquor you have laying around. Also, your cleaning supplies. You have those, right? Number of Players: However many roommates you have. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be too nauseous to get lightheaded from the cleaning supplies. How to Play: -Make a list of all the rooms in your apartment. -Divide each of these rooms into a sub-list: Floor, walls and ceiling, furniture, appliances and fixtures. -Draw names. First person drawn gets to choose which room he begins in, etc. -In each room, each participant is required to clean the entire room. -Each time he finishes a sub-segment of the room (floor, furniture, etc.) he may assign a 10-second beer chug or a 5-second wine rip to one of the other participants. -When a participant clears a room, he can assign a shot to another participant. -When a room is cleaned, move onto the next room. -If a participant tops off a garbage bag, he must drop off said garbage bag. -A participant who finishes cleaning a sub-segment of a room may ask the other participants if it is adequately clean. If asked, participants must be honest about the cleanliness of a room. -If a participant cleans a sub-segment of a room and doesn’t ask for a cleanliness check, then assigns drinks and a room is later dubbed not properly cleaned, the person assigned to that room must match the drinks he assigned. The Game Ends When: Your apartment is clean…enough to get most of your security deposit back.
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6) Technology: What tech giant recently bought Oculus VR for $2 billion? 7) Television: What sitcom classic ends with the main character telling a stranger, “Sorry, we’re closed”? 8) Fashion: What hairstyle is defined as a cut with short layers on top with the back left long? 9) Art: Water Lilies is a series of about 250 oil paintings by what French impressionist? 10) Sports: What Hall of Fame-elect was famously known as “The Big Hurt”?
Kelsey’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) No idea... Italy? 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Microsoft 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Van Gogh 10) Frank Thomas
1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) France or Spain 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Facebook 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas
Kelsey’s Score: 6 out of 10
RECIPE for DISASTER Oh Shit, You’re Going to be Late, Better Grab a Banana Dude, you said you were going to get up at like, 7a.m. to study for that finance final. You still had to study chapter 8! Well, there’s no time for that now. Just grab a banana, you need something in your stomach. What You’ll Need: A banana. Shut up, they’re delicious. Cook Time: 0 minutes. Fatty Factor: Bananas have like, 200 good calories, dude. Let’s Get Baked: - Get out of bed and put on some pants. A shirt? Do you have time for a shirt? Okay, you better put on a shirt. - Grab a banana from your kitchen. Who cares if it’s your roommate’s banana? -Start speed walking to class. The best part of bananas? You can eat them while you speed walk. -Top Tip: Did you know that if you open a banana from the bottom, those gross stringy bits don’t get all over your banana? -Eat your banana. You can do it! -Not that fast, dude, you might choke. -Haha, yeah, they do kinda look like dicks. Phew, you made it just in time. Don’t throw the peel away, leave it in a doorway, maybe you’ll end up tripping that kid who always asked questions just as the bell rang.
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JUST THE TIPS: WHY YOU’RE LATE TO FINALS ALEX HARWARD WROTE THIS
The past semester has flown by, and while you only went to a third of your classes, the time for finals is upon us. It’s do-or-die time, kids. Finals week is one of the most stressful times for Tennessee students, and the stress causes us to make mistakes. There is one particular terrifying slip-up that over-tired, Adderall-high, generally worried students can easily make: being late to a final. If you’re one of these unfortunate bastards, you can use one of these excuses that just might get you out of a jam here in Knoxville. You Got Stuck in Traffic: Kingston Pike is as close to the highway to hell that Knoxville natives—nay, the world—will ever get. There are a total of two lanes on either side for 28,000 students and staff. Whose idea was it to make one road in and out of a national university? It would be no surprise that multiple students would be late to their final exams because they’re trapped in unlimited traffic from waiting for that asshole to turn left on a
one way. So…uh…how about a pass on this one, professor? You Overslept: The most common excuse in the book is “I overslept.” Most students who use it as an excuse are lying and most professors who receive it as an excuse definitely don’t believe it. However, it happens to the best of us. Especially if you live in Carrick and your dumbass roommate that you can’t wait to move away from “accidentally” unplugged your phone charger so that the millions of alarms you set didn’t go off. So, use your bleeding-battery tech and record a video of him admitting that your lateness is his fault. Hang in there, young one, after this week you can finally leave Pres Court and all its awkwardness behind you. You’re Stuck at the Mall: So, you’re one of those kids. An hour before your final and you just have to buy that new whatever item at the mall…and stop in Cheesecake
Factory while you’re at it. Hey, those last few pounds of the freshman fifteen aren’t going to put on themselves. Take a trip down to West Town, roll the windows down, and go get what you deserve! But be careful, you never know when you might try on a pair of jeans that are a little too tight. It will become the mall trip from hell and you may want to go ahead and call for back up (1-800-ASSTOOFAT). Email your professor from your cell, they’ll completely understand. If you can’t sit down to write, then how are you going to knock out that 4-page handwritten essay? You’re Still Drunk: That one special study day is never actually used for academics, it’s used to get absolutely shitfaced. Make it a night you will never remember, because if you don’t remember it, it never happened, right? Take whatever is left of your dignity after Tin Roof reeled you in, made you drink two more tequila sunrises than you should have, then spit
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you back out, and go to that 8 a.m. final still completely intoxicated. Don’t worry if you’ve forgotten everything you’ve ever learned ever, you’ll be fine. If you puke during your final, maybe you can convince a sympathetic TA that you really do have the flu.
what you’ve started. However, a half hour goes by and no one shows up, no classmates and no teacher. You start to get panicked and check your phone only to realize it’s the day after your exam. You completely fucking missed your exam. Congrats, we applaud you.
You Suffer from Memory Loss: You’re prepared, you studied, and you’re about to make that final your bitch. You show up to the classroom fifteen minutes early and wait with an eager yearning to finish
Some of them are legit and some of them are embarrassing, but they are all 100% true. The Black Sheep has warned you so try not to mess up too bad. Good luck with your exams, you’re going to need it.
DRINKING GAME WALKING HOME FROM YOUR LAST FINAL Scott Hannah wrote this
One of the few upsides of finals season is that it’s socially acceptable to drink your sorrows away. If you were to down ten beers or an entire fifth of whiskey on a Tuesday in February, people would think you’re an alcoholic. But if you do it after taking a particularly tough final exam, people will commiserate with you in your communications final misery. So, in the spirit of having one more reason to drink, we’ve come up with a drinking game for you to play as you’re leaving your last exam of the semester. What You’ll Need: A strong drink in an inconspicuous container. Wild Turkey 101 is a start. Number of Players: You’ll leave this final like you’ll leave this world: Angry and screaming. Level of Intoxication: Ready to walk off campus singing “Fuck it All” to the tune of “Let it Go.” HOW TO PLAY: Take a Drink If: - You see someone running to a final: You see them hustle down Volunteer Boulevard and you recognize their stress --hell, maybe that was you an hour earlier-- but now you have no more shits to give. - You see construction: A tip of the ole’ flask to you, Mr. Cheek! Thanks a lot, Jimmy. Seriously, thank you for this last opportunity of the academic to get seriously shwasted. - You see someone nervously smoking outside of Hodges: With the stress of finals, the library just becomes a place smokers can pretend to pee between cigarette breaks. - You see study drugs exchanging hands in front of Hess Hall: The cumulative GPA of this school would drop an entire point if they outlawed those drugs, so keep your peepers peeled for a freshman doing a hand-off.
Take a Long Pull If: - A group is frolicking around the Ped Walkway statue: Whatever they’re doing, you’re going to want to join them. Thank you, social lubrication. - You see an athlete studying for a gen-ed final: Athletes shouldn’t be too hard to find; they’ll either be 300 pounds, 6’ 9”, or insanely ripped; but one thing they’ll all have in common is the Calc 1 or Geology 101 textbook they’ll have in front of them regardless of what year of school they’re in. - You see someone riding a scooter or long board down the Ped Walkway: If you see enough of them, you’ll be drunk enough to push one over and holler, “Walkers only!” Finish Your Entire Drink If: - You see someone crying after an exam outside of Perkins: This will be a freshman. You might feel the urge to go up to them and comfort them and inform them that they’re obsessing way too much about finals, but they’ll learn on their own soon enough, and the realization is so much more rewarding than anything you can teach them. - You see someone else drinking on the walk home from another exam: This person gets it. Give them a high five and finish your bev with them. - You see Cuonzo Martin fleeing town: We hear San Francisco is lovely this time of year, and what, with the way airfare is, stowing away in his trunk is the only way to travel. Better be pretty drunk first. The Game Ends When: You wake up outside of the Student Health Center bright and early the next morning. Did whatever was left of your cognitive functions drag you there, or did a good Samaritan do the deed? You’ll never know!
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15
the madlib
What Happened When You Were Cleaning Out Your Dorm
Cleaning out your dorm ensures that you don’t leave your parents with opportunities to find what you don’t want them to find. First, go in your closet and look for all your __1__textbooks. Sell them for all the __2__ Beat the Bookstore has to offer. Granted, they might only give you a dollar for you chemistry book, but that’s a dollar you didn’t have before. Next you should take out the trash and dump out all the __3__ in your apartment’s community dumpster. You’ll see most of your friends doing the same thing, nobody likes having __4__. After that, pack up your clothes in a __5__ and fold them neatly to make sure all the __6__ fit. Always make sure you have room to store your __7__. Don’t forget to call your shacker to __8__ back to your dorm to drop off the rest of your __9__. He’s had those for so long you almost forgot they were yours. Before your parents arrive, go inside your __10__ drawer and clean out all the forgotten __11__ that you had from that __12__ night in __13__ when you __14__with a __15__. You also definitely need to vacuum underneath your __16__ just in case some leftover __17__ is still hanging around. Don’t ever forget to clean your sheets because __18__ can stick there for months. Let’s be honest, you haven’t washed those things since __19__. You’re almost done, the last thing you need to do is just empty out the bottles of __20__ from the date party where you almost __21__ through a window. This way, you are prepared to leave the dorms early and your parents will be so happy you __22__ so fast.
1) (Sarcastically) complimentary adjective 2) Slang for money 3) Plural gross thing 4) A disease 5) Noun 6) Plural clothing item 7) Something you use on the weekends 8) Verb 9) Plural item you leave at a hook-up’s house 10) Item of furniture
11) Product only girls use 12) Adjective 13) City 14) Verb ending in –ed 15) Occupation 16) Item of furniture 17) Illegal substance 18) Type of bodily fluid 19) Month 20) Cheap booze brand 21) Verb, past-tense 22) Verb ending in -ed