The Black Sheep
peo free. ple ..lik ea w for ill be ll th t h e s h o e ot nex vin her t fe g in cra w w yo u p eek r fa s. ce
Vol. 3, Issue 1
8/22/13 - 8/29/13
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Old Meat to Fresh Meat: Your Guide to Enjoying UT BY: Austin McLaurinE The elder students of UT, those who have been here for two, three or eight years, already know that UT is a place of comfort. UT is a place where you can always count on a student-benefitting yearly tuition raise, a parking spot within short walking distance to all of your classes, and numerous eating establishments equipped with short lines, good food, and wonderfully low prices. A new year of classes brings loads of starry-eyed freshmen who’ve yet to experience this wonderful utopia and all of its lovely gifts. Starting college can be overwhelming, but this guide will help you naïve little Vols get an idea for what to expect as you begin your journey at Knoxville. The Scenic Scenery: Walking around campus is a great way to get a feel for things at UT. It’s not hard to notice that our school has a strong focus on campus beauty. If you live on campus, you’ll most certainly notice the mesmerizing statue found on Pedestrian Walkway, which for some reason, only seems to provoke anger. Found adjacent to the statue is Melrose, which is modeled after an abandoned mental asylum. Also found on Pedestrian Walkway are beautiful displays arguing stances on women’s rights that can be seen for weeks at a time. Street preachers whose only goals are to encourage students can be seen on different street corners, usually surrounded by a crowd of eager young disciples. Don’t worry, they aren’t yelling at you, they’re just shouting their love and encouragement at you. When rushing to class, don’t bother checking to see if the sign by the walkway says “Don’t Walk,” the drivers of the T bus system know that everyone walks anyway, and they will definitely not run you over.
Preserved History: UT embraces nostalgia, and you will too after taking classes in historic Estabrook Hall where reinforced floors are a luxury. By not improving the condition of the building in all the years it has been there, UT will help you reach a state of mind to better perform in your classes. The construction found nearly everywhere on campus is a reminder that one day UT will look even better than it already does. We’re all okay with it almost certainly not being done until after we graduate, because we know that the future of our campus is what’s really important. Why waste money on the poor, debt-riddled students of today when we should be recruiting the hardened, post-recession, economic survivors? Besides, the construction noise is never annoying during class or when you’re walking by, in fact it’s almost soothing! At the epicenter of campus, the University Center, you’ll find that construction is happening at alarmingly fast rate. So fast, in fact, that progress doesn’t seem to be happening at all. Pride in Sport: If you need a break from gazing at all the natural beauty UT has to offer, you can go enjoy some “foot ball” at Neyland Stadium. “Football” is a tradition here that is loved by all and is best experienced by like-minded masochists who have nothing better to do than have their hopes and optimism crushed on a weekly basis. Ignore the bad reputation UT “football” has garnered in the past few years, and build your hopes so high that even losing to the women’s rugby team couldn’t destroy them. We just got rid of the coach who was solely respon-
sible and in the blame for a team with a losing record. Yes, the blame rests completely on that terrible coach, and definitely not our proud, brave footballers who aren’t hungover when they play. Butch Jones will be our lord and savior and we will defend him until the day he dies, because he can’t be any worse than Dooley or Kiffin, right? No matter how UT performs on the field, always remember to berate the other team’s fans as you leave the stadium. Educate: Classes are a minor part of college, so don’t get too bogged down about actually going to class or learning. That guy who knows your dad will still hire you even if you skip Intro to Economics. The less
time you spend on boring stuff like homework, the more you can spend on getting drunk and sending out mass emails to your classmates asking who has weed for sale. Just make sure not to drink so much that you fail to realize when class is canceled, or that it ended three weeks ago. Older students strive to be helpful to newcomers at UT so don’t be afraid to enthusiastically ask for advice from upperclassmen as you walk to those early morning classes. We hope that you will learn to love learning and living here as much as we do. Make the most use of your parents’ money and get the best experience possible at UT by using this guide.
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page 5
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Watch the Throne
On the streets
The Vice is right
How Butch Jones Will achieve ultimate pimp status.
What late night food did you miss most over summer?
Do you know the prices of your favorite vices?
• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheeputk• theblacksheeponline.com •
>> Table of Contents << page 5: The Top 10: Ways to get back into the swang of thangs
>> Don’t worry, it’s not as daunting as you think.
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page 6: Thank Your Bartenders!
>> Take you for mixing my drinks and cleaning up my puke.
page 10: Should i go on reddit?
>> Follow our flowchart to potential procrastination.
page 11: The Black Sheep’s Guide to drinking wine like a boss
>> We talk fancy with two wine experts.
page 12: Bartender of the Week
>> Lillian of GPT uses her parent’s money very wisely.
page 12: Drinking Game and Recipe for Disaster
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>> VolFest scavenger hunt and back to school burgers, dawg.
page 15: The Madlib
>> Meeting your roommate’s parents... hungover, of course.
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Leeweight
Word
The vague weight a college student cites as their actual weight, knowing the number to be inaccurate.
of the
“When Eric told Melissa he weighed 170 pounds, hoping he could keep his shirt on during sex, he was giving her his shameful, shameful leeweight.”
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Gay San Francisco government icon’s sweet bedtime snack. Check back next week for the answer!
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Watch the Throne How Butch Jones Will Achieve Ultimate Pimp Status
The
Top
Ten
Ways to Get Back into the Swang of Thangs By: Katie Vaughn
Within the .2 seconds that is a summer in college, you had a stupid internship, drank heavily, or worked a shit job at a restaurant by your house at which you blatantly acted like a moron because you knew it wouldn’t last. But no matter how fast summer goes by, getting back into the school grind sounds awful even before it starts. However, here are a few things you can do to make sure your face doesn’t hit the cement when you get your first assignment, or after your third beer on the strip.
By: Lieutenant Dandy Football pimpin’ ain’t an easy thing to do in the dirty south. Many past pimp masters have had their swing at dominating Tennessee territory as head coaches, but few have had the knowledge and straight up street smarts to make everyone respect their potential ballerness. The most recent intimidation via pimp status was Dooley’s swag-nasty orange pants that invoked fear all around the SEC, but these proved to be nothing more than flashy threads. The orange pants became as transparent as Lady Gaga’s plastic dress the minute we were pimp slapped by Florida. After that the slaps just kept coming from all the other head honchos, and Dooley’s orange pants turned a little darker, (mostly around the crotch area). Otherwise, we really haven’t been considered O.G’s since ‘98 (respect). However, this sad pattern of repeated failure and disrespectful Gator hos beating us down will meet its quick demise when Butch Jones takes the Neyland field on August 31st. Can we really #RiseToTheTop? How’s he gonna do it?! By keeping his intimidating pimp hand strong, of course. First, he’s gonna exhibit the finest team around with the freshest uniforms around. The crisp white jerseys will shine so bright all the other bitches we play will need shades just to have the chance at a fair game. The newest smoky gray threads have already received massive amounts of attention and respect, showing that UT has a classy appeal while still able to make the other teams deepthroat our balls.
Second, his players trust their newfound master. The players depend on Butch more than ever with the entire Rise to the Top foundation laid out, keeping in mind that they are a part of the brickby-brick process towards champion status. Pimps get respect by laying down the law, laying down the bitches, and laying down the rewards. Being a part of the beginning of the Jones era is one of the tastiest things upcoming ballers can receive. Third, whether we win or lose, each opposing team will experience something that they haven’t felt before when playing Tennessee. Each play will be pumped full of so much ass-kicking passion that even our mistakes will strike fear in the hearts of each opponent. There will be so many asses kicked on the field that other teams will feel the sore throbbing from being our bottom bitches for a couple hours each game. Lastly, Butch knows how to run a tight ship and how to do it in a spirited and appealing way. He knows his audience and isn’t playing around or fumbling with words – he’s a real straight shooter who keeps a smile on his face while he gets shit done. Recruits? Got ‘em. He knows how to reel ‘em in based on genuine spirit and focused plans. As if this first year isn’t going to be enough, he’s already lined up the next sets of bricks so solid that any bitches who try to penetrate our territory will be met with a big orange defensive screw (yes, the big orange screw is now the euphemism for Butch Jones’ penis). Football season this year is history in the making. Expect to make it rain champagne celebrating TD’s all over them titties, y’all.
10.) Open a friggin book: Unless you actually like to read, you hid any kind of object with words in it because of the painful reminder of cramming for finals week. Just open any book, any book on this planet, and stare at it. It could even be a Cosmopolitan magazine for all we care, but by using your brain for a hot minute you can be prepping yourself for the horrible awfulness that will occur within the next three weeks in Knoxville. (PS you’re reading right now! Great job!) 9.) Wake up before sundown: We’re in college, we sleep almost half the day. That needs to end though because you more than likely have a class between the times of 9 and 10 a.m. And if you really suck, you have an 8 a.m. So wake the hell up and get used to doing things with your life. 8.) Save up: Money is a disappearing trick we know all too well. If you lived at home this summer you may feel richer from the money you saved on not paying for rent or groceries, but sad news guys, you’re about to go back to debating which drunk food is cheaper: couch Skittles or expired Hot Pockets. So start saving up money so you don’t go back-to-school-hookin’. 7.) Take a look at your schedule: Remember that time several months ago when you worked really hard to not get early classes and bad professors? Yeah, go look at that. Study that shit, because before you know it you’re gonna be livin’ it. 6.) Don’t go to sleep: Between nights out, writing papers, and studying, college students get around zero to screw-you-alarm-clock hours of sleep. Understandably, no one wants to stay up longer than necessary unless you’re partying, but sometimes you have to when you have things to accomplish. And you will cry. 5). Get your damn books before the test: People try to dodge getting school supplies like they’re dodging banana peels in Mario Kart. But then what happens is you have to text that girl who always tries talking to you in class to borrow her textbook before the test. All that does is lead to awkward semi-sexual situations, and you’re still shit out of luck. 4.) Walk the schedule: Our school is huge and there are always random classes hiding in the deepest holes of campus. Make sure you know where you’re going, so as not to end up in the leaky basement of Ferris Hall having a whiskey drinking contest with the janitors. 3.) Use the buddy system: Classes are obviously easier and more enjoyable when your friends are in there suffering with you. If you’re trying to have a more positive attitude about being forced back into learning, at least coordinate schedules and employ the buddy system for classes. 2.) Investigate: We’ve all taken a class not knowing exactly how much it’s going to suck, and then are left kicking ourselves for not finding out beforehand. Ask around to see what the people who will be controlling your life for the next four months will be like. Unless you like surprises. 1.) Buy some ORANGE: You’re about to go back to a world of day drinking, shouting, and UT sports. In order to support your team like a boss, you must look like a boss. Checkered overalls and foam fingers should definitely be on your list of back-to-school supplies. Go get yourself some beautiful orange gear and get pumped. Unless you’re a ginger. Gingers should never wear orange.
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Thank Your
s r e d n e t r Ba
r By: A BArtende
Soon The Strip will be flooded with sorostitutes and brofessionals and before you know it, you’ve got yourself a sexy, boozy hurricane. But who’s left to clean up the broken bottles, blood stains, and that girl drunkenly making out with the toilet? The few. The proud. The bartenders and bouncers of Knoxville. Sure, the bartenders are totally excited to actually have some business after a long boring summer, but c’mon, who likes the idea of cleaning up Ms. “OHEMGE I’M 21!” puke off the bathroom floor at 4 a.m.? Most bartenders will be on edge, like lions watching gazelles graze in the savannah. So do your best to not piss them off, because you’ll get thrown out. They ain’t got no time fo’ yo shit. And if you’re under 21 and trying to order with a fake, beware — much like the lion, they smell fear. Stop shifting in your seat. Just because you can say “C-can I have a Cape Cod?” with only a few shakes in your voice doesn’t mean they will overlook the fact you have a black smear on your hand from where you tried to wipe off the X in the bathroom. Real smooth there, bro. To the brofessionals out there — bartenders get it. They really do. You’re super-tough and hardcore with your Ed Hardy shirt. They all know you’ve been trying to perfect your James Bond moves over the last four years, but saying, “shaken, not stirred” just to impress the ladies makes bartenders want to punch in your smug face. Especially if you’re trying to get them to “shake” your Bud Light Platinum.
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But what every bartender on The Strip is excited for are the tips. Or, in most of your cases, the lack thereof. Who doesn’t love serving an $8 drink and receiving zero tip? Or better yet, when a tab is $30 and a young brofessional tips $2, only to act like the bartender should be grateful. Bartenders are the elephants of the service industry. They never forget. Also, they love having peanuts thrown at them, but that’s a weird fact and beside the point. The mob that will undoubtedly occur the first Friday after classes start should be entertaining. No one should be surprised to see a few people camped out in lawn chairs eating popcorn while the door guy is trying to hold a drunken herd of drunkards back from crashing through the glass so they can be the first one to hit on the bartenders in hopes of a discount. If all else fails, and you have even the slightest shred of empathy for your bartenders, do NOT puke on the bar. No one needs to see the rainbow of your stomach contents. And as stated before, crappy tips equal crappy drinks, FOREVER. Seriously, bartenders never forget, it’s an ancient proverb all bartenders learn in bartending school. If you let a bartender have a fun night, they will use their “Bartender’s magic” (which is a real thing, much like Harry Potter) to make sure it’s the best damn night of your life as well.
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets What late night food did you miss most over summer? M a tt
“Moe’s”
Michael
“Niro’s Gyros”
J os h
“40s from 17th street market”
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The Grid
BLACKSTOCK
SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY: This Mountain w/ Valley Young, 10pm
SATURDAY: Hudson K CD Release Party and Blank Magazine 6 yr Anniversary Tons of special guest and an all star superjam
WEDNESDAY! Pint Night! $2 All Drafts, Whiskey Wednesday Specials
Grand Opening on Thursday, August 29th!
thursday 8/22
New Madrid w/ Valley Young, 10pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 pm
Bike Night with Dr. Feelgood No cover! Drink specials all night
$2 Domestic Bottles, $0.50 Wings Thursday Night Football Package
Grand Opening on Thursday, August 29th!
FRIday 8/23
This Mountain w/ Valley Young, 10pm
Tom Maxwell (Squirrel Nut Zippers), Husky Burnette, and Devan Jones Get tix online now! blackstocklive.com
$2.50 20oz Miller Lite and Shiner Bock Drafts
Grand Opening on Thursday, August 29th!
saturday 8/24
The Mumbles w/ Shake it Like a Caveman, 10pm
Hudson K CD Release Party and Blank Magazine 6 yr Anniversary Tons of special guest and an all star superjam
It’s Football Time!! $2.50 20oz Yuengling and Bud Light Drafts
Grand Opening on Thursday, August 29th!
sunday 8/25
Come join us for lunch and dinner!
Smoky Mountain Vapers Meet 2pm to 6pm Vendors, giveaways and workshops
NFL Football Package! Watch your favorite team here and enjoy $0.50 wings all day, $2 bottles and drafts all day and $5 double wells!
Grand Opening on Thursday, August 29th!
monday 8/26
Keith Brown and The New Jazz Fourtet, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
$5.50 Domestic Pitchers, $0.50 Wings Monday Night Football Drink Specials!
Grand Opening on Thursday, August 29th!
tuesday 8/27
Old You, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
Bluntly Speaking Back2School Tour Sean Michael, Rikki Blu, Eff, Nathen Grey w/ Jimmy Astro, Freddsdead and Strypes
$2 Domestic Drafts, Team Trivia at 9pm, Drink Specials During and After
Grand Opening on Thursday, August 29th!
WED. 8/28
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
Blackstock BASSics 101 iRell, Lysergik and Dr. Steam
Pint Night! $2 All Drafts, Whiskey Wednesday Specials
Grand Opening on Thursday, August 29th!
thursday 8/29
Dank Sinatra, 10pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
$2 Domestic Bottles, $0.50 Wings Thursday Night Football Package
Grand Opening on Thursday, August 29th!
BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our Mobile App! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID
The Grid WEDNESDAY! WINE NIGHT! Half off all bottles and $4 glasses of house wine
TUESDAYs and Wednesdays: All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $5.99
WEDNESDAY: Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Bartender’s Choice Drink Specials Everyday!
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Night! Jazz from 6-9, DJ Rain 9-close $2 Pinnacle Drinks, Domestic Beers and Draft Beers
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
Welcome Back! $1.50 Domestics with Student ID
thursday 8/22
Best Happy Hour Downtown! 11am-7pm DJ and Dancing 9-close No cover + food and drink specials!
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
Roots Rock! 9pm Tim Lee 3, Todd Farrell, Crosstown Rivals $4 Shots
FRIday 8/23
Best Brunch Downtown! 10am - 4pm Happy Hour 11am - 7pm DJ and Dancing 9-close
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
Knoxville Jam Band !9pm Hambone Pie $4 Shots!
saturday 8/24
Best Brunch Downtown! 10am - 4pm $5 Bloody Marys, $3 Mimosas
Large 2 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
FREE SHOW! 9pm Lions, Gamenight, Bulletproof Tiger, Maps Need Reading
sunday 8/25
Best Happy Hour Downtown! 11am-7pm Half off well liquors and domestic beers, $1 off speciality beers Get ready for Monday Night Football!
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax
Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
$2 Drafts, $4 Shots, Free Queso All Day! Comedy at 9pm!
monday 8/26
Best Happy Hour Downtown! 11am-7pm Half off well liquors and domestic beers, $1 off speciality beers
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $5.99
$2 Drafts
Einstein Simplified Uncut Improv Show, 8pm Vaudevillainy - 3 Band - Rock Show 10pm All Shows are FREE!
tuesday 8/27
WINE NIGHT! Half off all bottles and $4 glasses of house wine
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $5.99
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
As Girls Go, 6pm Barnyard Stompers, Jason Lee Wilson 9pm All Shows are FREE!
WED. 8/28
$2 Night! Jazz from 6-9, DJ Rain 9-close $2 Pinnacle Drinks, Domestic Beers and Draft Beers
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
The Follies Girls with Fat Stacks and the Fun Guy, 8pm
thursday 8/29
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The Black Sheep’s Guide to Drinking Wine Like A Boss Hey reader, what’s in your stash of booze, like, right now? We bet it’s something like 6 beers that once came in a 30-pack, half a plastic bottle of something that smells like rubbing alcohol’s shotgun shack cousin, and maybe if you’re really lucky, a half-bag of something reminiscent of “wine.” This is the year you said you were going to do things up right, keep it classy, but you don’t know where to begin. Well, how about with a nice (glass) bottle of wine?
TBS: When getting introduced to “good” wine, how would a college student on a budget go from a Tour De Franzia to a nice bottle of wine with dinner? Blake: First, stay away from the mainstream publications and seek out a local, passionate wine guy. The big guys are going to be wooed by the money and others’ agendas. This local guy can find you something that was like the chardonnay you had at your mom’s house that you liked, and he can introduce you to new wines you might like as well. Build a relationship with someone; if it’s a buck more, who cares? You get that value in a different way when he can show you lesser-known wines that are great values. Also, go to wine tastings. There are websites that’ll show you when and where they are. Go with a group of friends and just try different things. It’s inexpensive and it’s an experience.
The Black Sheep is here to help. We sat down with two wine professionals to ask them how to integrate sweet, sweet wine into both the college lifestyle and budget. Blake Krynicky is a former chef and consultant now working for Fetzer Vineyards, one of the first sustainable vineyards in California. Bryan Cass is the son of the founder of Cass Vineyards and holds a master’s degree in wine business, which makes us insanely jealous. By: Brendan
Or, just get a group of people to chip in and have a night where you go, “everyone bring a French white wine under ten bucks.” TBS: How is Franzia different from stuff that comes in a bottle? Bryan: The cheap stuff, they don’t use oak barrels, even for red wine. That’s important for making a complex wine, not just fermented grapes. The quality of the grapes is worse, too. A lot of the cheap stuff is made with Grenache, which you can get 10 to 15 tons an acre, but there’s so many grapes that the actual plant has an issue with making grapes of good quality. TBS: Is there a rule of thumb when it comes to wine price points? Blake: There are great wines available for under $20. Even at $15. From $10 to $15, you’ll also find some really good wine. Once you’re sinking under $6 for a bottle you’ve got to be careful. There’s some decent wines out there under that price, but wine’s the most expensive of beer, wine and spirits to produce, so you know they have to cut corners somewhere. $6 to $10 is a great price range to explore when on a budget. Bryan: Nowadays there’s a lot of good stuff that’s $10 to $15, and it’s stuff that’s available at a supermarket. A bottle of wine is about 6 beers in terms of alcohol content, so if you think of cost that way, it’s a decent rule of thumb. A pretty good bottle of wine is about the price of a good 6-pack. TBS: Are there varieties or styles of wine that are generally better at that lower price point? Blake: Certain wines are more expensive to produce. For example, you’re not going to get the same quality in a sub-$10 pinot noir that you will in a cabernet sauvignon because it’s more difficult to cultivate. Imports, like Argentinean wine or Chilean wine, with basics like chardonnay or cabernet, you can do well. TBS: How does region affect wine? Bryan: Typically people break down wines into “old world” wines and “new world wines.” Old world would be Europe, and new world
wines are from everywhere else. New world wines tend to be a little fruitier than old world wines and maybe are a little more approachable flavor-wise for a new drinker. TBS: How do a grape’s origins affect how the wine tastes? Blake: It has a huge effect on the grape. The same grapes grown in different countries—or even different microclimates—will taste different. Wine grapes can taste like a million different things. It’ll exhibit differences if grown in volcanic soil or a mountain valley. Malbecs are popular now, and it’s very easy to tell the differences between them. TBS: Anything to consider when pairing food with wine? Bryan: White wines with no oak and no sugar go really good with spicy food, like Thai or Mexican. Lighter reds are better with pork and turkey and ham. Darker reds are good with more robust meats like beef or lamb. I mean, going on Google and looking for wine pairings is really helpful. Blake: Wines made in certain styles are better with food as opposed to cocktailing. Wines with balance go better with food, while wines that have enhanced aspects are better standing on their own. Some big cabernets are fun to drink, but then you try it with food and it’ll be overpowering. Some zinfandels are very fruit-forward with high alcohol, they’ll be fun to cocktail with, but they won’t work well with food. TBS: What’s the best way to research wine? Blake: Talk to people who know more than you, but be careful. How are they presenting this information? They shouldn’t tell you what you should like, they should suggest based on the information you provide them. Bryan: Online information is pretty accurate; I trust a lot of the websites out there. TBS: What would you tell someone who claims they just don’t like wine? Blake: It’s an acquired taste, and those tastes change. I will eventually find something you like, there’s so many wines out there, there’s going to be one the person will enjoy. So, next time you think of pairing a forty of Olde English 800 with that Easy Mac and taco shell dinner, don’t. Grab a bottle of wine and be classy with your taco shell self.
Bartender of the Week Relationship status: Single
Five words on Tennessee’s upcoming season?: They really better not suck.
Major: Studio Art Favorite drink: Ninja Turtle
What’s your best bit of tailgating advice for freshmen?: Don’t throw up in public.
Favorite shot: Pink Floyd Disgusting drink: Vodka Tonic What was the best, worst thing you did this summer?: My parents catching me tripping in the back yard.
Lillian of GPT Drinking Game
How long can the average student hold out before skipping their first class?: Why wait, skip now, don’t procrastinate. What was your summer anthem?: “All Me” – Drake
Who or what are you most excited to see back on campus?: The frat stars with the cash.
Do you want to have a tickle fight?: No, thanks though.
What’s the first thing you’re doing to a freshman?: Probably take their fake ID.
When does winter break start?: Do I look like a calendar?
What are you actually going to do with your parents’ textbook money?: Drugs and art supplies.
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m fabulous.
Recipe for disaster
Volfest Scavenger Hunt
Back to School Burgers
Whether you’re an incoming freshman with an early case of alcoholism or an upperclassman prone to Sunday Fun Days, Malt Liquor Mondays, Toasted Tuesdays, Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, and uh, the weekend, Volfest is always more fun with some booze in you. We found a way to make the day on campus where every student organization tries to make you feel like you belong even more enjoyable.
Now that you’re finally back on campus, it’s time to start being an adult again by grocery shopping and making your own food. Since the weather is still nice for a while, here’s a quick dinner recipe that is yummy, simple and great for the grill.
What You’ll Need: A group of friends, a camera and the alcohol of your choice. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: It all depends on how quick you are.
What You’ll Need: Hamburger patties and buns, your favorite burger fixings (cheese, lettuce, onions, tomatoes), cans of Keystone, and French fries or hash browns. Cook Time: About 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: You could always use veggie burgers, but that’s no fun.
How to Play: - Gather your friends in your apartment the morning before Volfest. - Before starting, everyone needs to take a shot or chug a beer. Woo-hoo 11 a.m.! - Divide everyone into teams and make sure each team has a camera. - Make a list of 10-15 things for your teams to gather. Examples include 5 pens from different organizations, 1 religious flyer trying to convert you, 2 pictures of your team with someone LARPing, 1 t-shirt, 1 copy of The Black Sheep, etc. - Once you’ve gathered all your items, race back to the apartment. - After all the teams return, each team needs to take a shot for the place they finished in. For example, team members on the second-place team need to take two shots. - Award bonus points to teams for the funniest photos, the most colorful pens, and for the number of clubs for which you put down your email address. - Teams then take turns passing out their bonus points in the form of shots to the other teams. The Game Ends When: Does drinking really ever have to end? You’ll really regret this when the 200 emails flood your inbox, asking you to come out to the club’s first meeting.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Heat up the grill (most likely the mini George Foreman on your counter, amirite?). - If you’re making hash browns, put a skillet on the stove with a little oil and dump ‘em in. - Turn the burner up to medium. - Toss your burger patty on the grill and let it cook for a few minutes. - We suggest toasting your burger bun and laying on a slice of cheese while it’s still warm. - While your burger cooks, crack open a Keystone (take a sip, you know you want to) and pour a little bit over your burger. - After the suds soak in, flip the burger and pour a little more on the other side. - Keep repeating this until the burger is cooked to your liking. - Slip the patty off the grill and onto the bun. - Dump on your French fries or turn off your stove and add the hash browns. - Add the rest of your toppings, crack open another beer and you’re done! The perfect precursor to your first night out back on campus.
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answer key
Hi there and welcome to The Vice is Right! I’m your host, Brew Carey, here today with another exciting game for you, contestant. In front of you there are eight listed prices, each with two items beside the price. One of these items is good, something your parents would be happy to see you spend their money on. The other is the vice item, purchasing this would make them question why they’re paying for you to go to Brew U. Now here’s the tricky part, you have to guess which item’s price, according to Amazon, is actually listed. If you get them all right you’ll win a spot in our Bro-case Hoedown! Check your answers at the bottom of the page, and good luck on The Vice is Right!
Pens • Condoms • Hard Drive • Ramen • TV • Detergent • Kiddie Pool • Underwear
Answer Key (Correct Item Listed):
madlib
Meeting Your roommate’s parents
Well we tried to be responsible, but like most things at
___1___, drinking just sort of happened. We were only going to have a glass of ___2___ (on the rocks, of course), sit on the porch and listen to ___3___ and chat about ___4___’s weight gain, because GROSS.
and throw a party. Only ___13___ showed up, but that second keg was necessary. Hobo ___14___ showed up and he brought ___15___ for us. Tom from ___16___ came by and even did a ___17___-second keg stand! I got my ass kicked in ___18___ by ___19___, who ended up passing out on our couch.
But then we saw ___5___ walk by with a ___6___ in her hand, and she decided to sit down with us and have a drink. When we started to get tipsy, my roommate went inside to get ___7___ to sober us up… but came out with her ___8___ shot glasses she smuggled from ___9___ on her “___10___” study abroad trip and a bottle of ___11___ vodka.
Overall it was a very successful night, but when my roommate’s parents showed up, she wasn’t even here. Luckily they were chill with eating cold leftover pizza and sipping on last night’s leftover keg. Mr. ___20___ can sure put them back! When my roommate came back she reeked of ___21___ and looked like ___22___’s little sister. They then all left and went to the bar. Then ___23___ got it on in the kitchen! Such a ___24___ After that was killed, the next natural step was to get a keg of ___12___ time! 1: Your university 2: Liquor 3: 90s pop star 4: Recent celebrity 5: Wacky friend 6: Malt liquor 7: Type of lunch meat
8: Body part 9: Sketchy country 10: Overused synonym for good 11: Exotic fruit 12: Shitty beer 13: The current time
Meet The Staff campus manager Austin Owen
campus director Quinn Myers
Editorial manager Emily Hagenburger
owner Atish Doshi
Advertising Managers Samantha Hightower, Alyssa Watson
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Writers Mary Moss, Katie Vaughn Birdii Haumschild, Austin McLaurine Distribution manager Kelley Rieder Social media manager James Ballard
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14: Average dude’s name 15: Drug 16: Local pizza place 17: Your birthday 18: Drinking game 19: Local athletic celebrity
20: Your roommate’s last name 21: Men’s cologne 22: Trashy celebrity 23: Same as #19 24: Same as #10
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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