The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 1 • 1/10/13 - 1/16/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
Alternate UTKniverses
Emily Hagenburger wrote this
After suffering the harsh realities of final exams at the end of last semester, most of us sleuthed back to our parents’ basements and fixated ourselves in front of the warming glow that is our TV and/or laptop screens. Netflix gave us hours of entertainment, plunging into romantically comedic worlds where study buddies flirt and make out in the library instead of fart and fantasize about murdering each other. Video games gave us an opportunity to cheer for our football team and fight those who oppress us – instead of drunkenly cry after games and… drunkenly cry after a bro-ier bro dances with our girlfriends. Hell, even the apocalypse gave us hope that we might not have to return to homework and binge-studying. But alas! Mayhaps we might carry on the alternate fantasies for which we betrothed over break! Mayhaps we might turn our dreary campus into universes where we might thrive! Mayhaps the following examples are universes we might dream will come another day! Middle Earth: If you marked Dec. 13th not as the last day of exams, but as the release of The Hobbit (then proceeded to spend every cent of your holiday money seeing it), this semester you might transport to the world of Bilbo Baggins and Gandalf the Grey. At Middle Earth UTK football is now a friendly game of Slay the Smaug, and we still get our ass kicked by freakin’ Vanderbilt. Students are sent to different colleges according to their race at MEUTK. Think you’re badass enough to take down a Bama oliphant from across a state line in one swift release of a bow? It qualifies you into the Agee Elven College. Are you an orc? Then you’re in the College of Merciless Killing. A dwarf? Then you’re admitted to the James A. Haslam College of Mining! Are you one of the petty dwarves? Then, well, you’re still just an annoying poly-sci major. Halo: Did you delve into a deep psychosis over break, releasing inner demons while shooting aliens like there’s no tomorrow? Well, how would UTK in the Halo universe adequately train students to survive on an alien-infested campus? Classes, of course, would consist of Choosing the Right Gun 101 and Beating the Flood 310. Firefight would be lovely if we, as students, braved the crazy robotic monsters of “construction” that howl at us each day on our way to class. Obviously, you would be able to change your setting, like Ayers Tower instead of Ivory Tower, or go for something completely otherworldly like Meltdown and have your classes on an icy moon. Daily, students would run around with assault rifles and Energy Swords in Master Chief armor, trying to kill each other. For practice. But don’t worry, everyone would revive to kill again! Django Unchained: Being another Tarantino-esque marathon, it was easy to transport yourself into Antebellum America during this movie. But transporting yourself into this alternate UTKniverse may not be
the wisest decision for the African-American student, unless you just really want to see if you could go Django on everyone’s racist asses. Here, classes might include Petticoats and Silly Hats 230, Gunfights on Horseback 400, or Our Economy Totally Doesn’t Rely on Slavery 300. On-campus dining would consist of beans cooked over a fire and there would be no dorms, just sleeping under the stars with your fellow cowboy - and since we’re in the south we know how fast things can go Brokeback Mountain. Gotta love the Smokies. Post Apocalyptic: Towards the end of last semester, some of us were praying the world would end, and started imagining how much nicer it would be to killing zombies instead of bombing exams. The postapocalyptic setting of Zombieland or even The Walking Dead started to seem rather appealing. It’s hard to have class when all the buildings are torn down and there’s debris everywhere, but thanks to the massive
amounts of construction going on right now, we’re already living in this version of UT. In this university universe, survival is key. Killin’ Zambies is a 101 class where you also learn how to somehow look clean without showers and never changing your clothes. Watching I am Legend is a prerequisite for every class, and we suggest you brush up on your nunchuck, bo staff, and do lots of naked pull-ups. Remember, girls only want guys with mad skills/abs. If you find yourself thinking the above situations would be cool, and perhaps a better alternative to reality – be careful; you’re already showing signs of post-vacation boredom paralysis. Take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself “This is college, this is the closest I’ll be to living in a fairy tale ever.” Now go strap on some cowboy boots, down a couple tall boys, and go talk to a member of the opposite sex, god dammit.
what'’s inside A Syllabus for Syllabus Week
The tale of the fiscal cliff
bartender of the week
We teach syllabus week a thing or two about college.
We took over this national treasure for Nic Cage to repair the fiscal crisis.
John from Preservation Pub doesn’t even need to use pick-up lines.
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contents page 5: Top 10 most important events that happened over winter break
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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While you watched Jersey Shore and played Assassin’s Creed over break, you may have missed a few things.
page 7: From the Streets
Table of
with all the construction, what’s one thing you wish they would build on campus?
pages 10: This is The End Farewell, 30 Rock, The Office, Dexter, and Breaking Bad; nothing gold can stay, Ponyboy.
page 11: We Interview: Nightlands David Harley talks to us about what it means to be a sci-fi guy trapped in a musician’s body.
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page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T p
! k e e W e h t f o c Pi
p A e l i b o M
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Sexy Anagrams
Who knew The Boss had a drunken superhero alter ego? (Want to become famous next week?)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Tabby Ole Lit
THERMAL HIS MOW
Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?
Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
word of the week Jockulard:
A star high school athlete that has since gained a significant amount of weight. “Did you see Kevin over break? That jockulard used to stuff the ball down a guard’s throat; now he’s stuffing whole pizzas down his.”
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a syllabus for syllabus week hannah borland wrote this Colleges these days, including our mostly-inebriated-but-classy-asJames-Bond’s-left-testicle Orange and White, are doing an A-plus job of teaching vital real world skills, curbing GPA inflation, and keeping tuition affordable. And by “doing” these things we actually mean actually they’re not doing them at all. There is one week to be optimistic, though, and that is the magical, twice-yearly syllabus week that nearly every college student, kind-of-in-a-way, looks forward to. It is the one-week in which you pretend that you might actually enjoy a course and not find yourself medicating with ten to twelve self-prescribed Keystone Lights on a Tuesday night. It’s also the one week where you’re practically required to procrastinate or be designated an overachieving dork. So, naturally, you should have plenty of time to read our course requirements on how to get down during syllabus week. Course Title: UTK 445: “Syllabus Week”. Also known as” Welcome Week, Part Deux” or “Advanced College Life for Students Who Don’t Introduce Themselves to the Professor on the First Day and Therefore Designate Themselves as Ass-Kissers: A TechnologyBased Survey”. Dates/Times: Monday, January 7, 2013- Sunday, January 13, 2013. All day, e’rr day, or until the night before the first quiz that some professors like to have during the first week to show that they have suede elbow pads and they are not dicking around. Instructors: The Black Sheep, Ph.D. in Gender Studies with a Concentration in Male Genital Monikers, Sparty McFly, MS in Historical Football Time Travel, and Chancellor Cheek, BS and only BS. TAs: Have no effect on your grade. But these pseudo-librarian ladies
often have Hefner-worthy T’s and A’s, just not quite worthy enough to waste your time on during this first magical week. Course Objectives: The student will only be able to demonstrate knowledge of his or her courses to the extent that he/she vaguely knows when and where they are, as well as the level of attractiveness of the professor. The student should also be able to determine the relative difficulty and seriousness of the professor, and should be able to demonstrate the proportionality of such properties as they relate to the age and number of sexual encounters of the professor, i.e. are they still young enough to give the students a break and are they still banging eligible suitors at the same pace as Taylor Swift on a Percocet binge. Finally, the student should also be able to fully analyze bars, parties, clubs, and other social gatherings to determine their level of drunk, hot, and duck-faced girls, ranging from bro-temptuous to bro-nasty. The student should also know which one of those is a good rating, and which implies serious danger of STDs and those dramatic drunk-girl tantrums that still occur every night despite everyone agreeing that they’re fucking worse than cancer and an aging Eminem combined. Grading Scale: 4.0: 0%-89% 0.0: 90% and above. You’re trying way too hard already, slugger. Hints for Succeeding in this Course: -Don’t buy any textbooks now. If The Black Sheep were ever serious about anything (we’re not, but whatev’s), it would be this. Unless you’re looking to buy a doorstopper that happens to be pricier than a mountain of gold-plated hooker robots, don’t buy the book.
-Wear a monocle -- being a fancy gentleman never goes out of style. -When you get a ticket for daring to park anywhere on campus without surrendering your first born, please, set your ticketed car on fire. You only experience so many syllabus weeks in your life, might as well make it memorable with some good ol’ fashioned arson. -Don’t do any reading. At all. Why are you even reading this? Stop now.
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The
Top 10
Most Important Events that Happened over Winter Break
10.) Brazilian girl sells her virginity on eBay: Did it work? Yes, because it sold for a lovely $780,000. We know some of you are like: “I wish I still had my V-card,” or “Oh my gosh that’s terrible!” Well it’s not so terrible for the lucky virgin, because she is coming out with more money than some make in their lifetime. Unfortunately the girl’s male counterpart only made $3,000. 9.) Rex Ryan didn’t get fired: This is for you pro football fans who watched amazed as several NFL coaches were fired after the end of the regular season, and some of you may have shat yourself when you found out Ryan wasn’t fired. Rex must have been extra nice outside of football this year for Santa to give him the present of a job. 8.) An eagle kinda almost had a little kid for breakfast: A viral video stormed the internet as almost every Website and news program was showing a video of an eagle swooping down and grabbing a child and then dropping him. Soon after the video gets a couple million views we find out that the culprits were some college kids just trying to get an A for creativity. 7.) Selena Gomez broke up with Justin Bieber (and then got back together with him): Just when you thought Selena realized she was dating a girl, less than a month later we see them parading around the slopes on a double date with T-Swift and her latest victim - we mean boyfriend - One Direction’s Harry Styles. Look at your life, look at your choices.
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6.) Django and Les Mes: Movie theaters celebrated Christmas by opening a movie about a former slave killing a shit ton of white people and a French movie about death put to good music. Basically the only choice you had to make this Christmas was, “do I want to see Jamie Foxx go HAM or watch some French people (actors pretending to be French) crying while they sing?” 5.) Lane Kiffin proved just how shitty a coach he is: He brought his legendary ranked team down to the point of embarrassment, loses in a bowl game against Georgia Tech of all schools, and his daddy decided he doesn’t want to coach with him anymore, leaving Lane all alone with a lot of angry Californians. 4.) The government almost has milk prices go up to $8 a gallon: While you lactose intolerant people weren’t concerned, we dairy lovers were going crazy. Some of us can’t drink coffee without cream, and without coffee how would we survive? Thankfully the big guys in Congress got together and decided to give the farmers a victory, considering that if the prices were raised almost all Americans would be eating rice from our buddies in China. 3.) PSY decided to retire the famous “Gangnam Style”: After his New Year’s Eve performance, a tragic thing happened to all the sexy ladies who finally learned the dance. Granted, he isn’t really retiring it since he has to perform it about a dozen more times, but after those it’s over… or so he says. Bottom line - be prepared for another catchy Korean dance craze to hit us soon. 2.) Kanye knocked up Kim Kardashian: 2013 won’t be the end of the Kardashians, because Kim got herself preggers. We’ll be hearing all about how her fake boobs are getting bigger and how she doesn’t like that she’s fat. Then when the kid is born we get to hear about Kim’s triumphant return to her former weight. Will she choose WeightWatchers, JennyCraig or lipo? The world can only wait to find out… 1.) The world didn’t end: The Mayans were wrong, proving once again you can’t believe everything you read on the internet – but you must believe everything you read in print. Which is why The Black Sheep is officially declaring FEBUARY 13TH 2013 AS THE OFFICIAL APOCALYPSE FOR REAL. According to our tealeaves this is the day the world will end, and the only way you can avoid it is by having sex with our writing staff. Hey, the tealeaves said it, not us.
Lindsey Fleck wrote this
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The Tale of the Fiscal Cliff mary moss wrote this We know what you were thinking when this whole issue tornadoed through the buttfucksville of news stations – you were thinking, “What the hell is a cliff being all fiscal for?” Many Googled “fiscal,” finding out that it basically means something to do with government financing. Ok… For those of you who Googled “cliff,” pretty little images of Ireland popped up, along with a few homely looking rednecks named Cliff. But how what do these two terms have to do with each other? Is someone throwing money off of a cliff? Is Simba all our 401k’s, and Rafiki the government? Being the smartest and handsomest news team at UTK, we decided it was our duty to solve this whole cluster f. Then we remembered we only get paid in booze and compliments, so we hired some “interns” and sent them to do our bidding.
sparked the start of the new year. At the right moment, under the colorful blaze, a bald eagle symbol on the top of Roosevelt glowed bright for the students to see. Being curious little interns, they decided to capture a bald eagle and make it defecate on the symbol. Naturally, they did this all very quickly and without any trouble.
Being the geniuses we are, we remembered that Nicolas Cage once found enough treasure inside the cliffs and caves of Mount Rushmore to match the entire year’s debt. But Nic Cage would never really go to South Dakota himself – he’s way too busy writing the sequel to The Wicker Man – just as we are too busy writing the sequel to Butt Chuggs: The Man Who Knew No Bottom.
So Teddy, after having a load of the purest American shit upon his head, opened his stone mouth to reveal a cave. The students thought they had finally saved America from an economic crisis – they would share the riches with all Americans to save the middle class from suffering the woes of slower internet and eating out only once a week. What were the lawmakers doing during those 507 days they had to address the debt ceiling? Upon climbing into the gaping hole of ole Rosey, the students found hundreds of empty Smirnoff bottles, a few dead prostitutes, and the forgotten I.D.s of Congress members. Gauging by the expiration dates of the lime rinds everywhere, America’s finest had throwing bi-monthly shindigs in the cliffs. Now we know why there are so many poly sci majors – get into politics, and you get to party on America’s dime in national landmarks without getting fined or arrested.
So we sent our patriotic interns to brave the fierce winds of one of the most useless states there is. They would sneak into that great American landmark on the night of New Year’s Eve, searching for treasure to save the country. The students searched high and low until fireworks
Some try to say the last 127 hours of 2012 were spent in D.C. hashing out possible solutions, driving many to madness, causing a member to chop off his own arms, using them to hack at the arms of their opponents. This could be believable, considering weapons were sold
out everywhere, making it nearly impossible to find a Christmas present for Uncle Bo. Our interns, Jess and Margaret, wish to remain anonymous. They ultimately failed not only the nation, but you students of UTK. They must be punished, and don’t worry, we will punish them. Dearest Vols, despite the utter failure of our interns, The Black Sheep will continue to halfass reports on all the heroes out there for the world to see – starting with you, Skylar McBee.
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
With all the construction, what’s one thing you wish they would build on campus? “A Chuck E. Cheese’s so we can play AND learn!” - Nickie H., Sophomore
“A large area in the center of campus where students can go to relax.” - John S., Junior
“A sperm bank because I could use the extra cash.” - Andrew C., Sophomore
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Grid tuesday: Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
WEDNESDAY: Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
FRIDAY: NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
$2 Domestic Bottles
SOUTHBOUND College Night! $2 Domestics & $4 Wells Until Midnight | 21 and up
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events! NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
SPECIAL NIGHT
Saturday! Radiolucent and Leogun Doors Open at 8pm
thursday 1/10
Chamomile and Whiskey Live at 10pm, FREE! Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10pm
FRIday 1/11
Milktooth and Vinyl Thief Doors Open at 8pm
$2.50 Blue Moon Drafts
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party 21 and up
saturday 1/12
Radiolucent and Leogun Doors Open at 8pm Football on Big Screens All Day!
WATCH THE NFL PLAYOFFS HERE!
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party
NV Top 40 Dance Party 21 and up
sunday 1/13
Kukuly and The Gypsy Fuego - All Ages! Free Pool All Day
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
Check out CarleoEntertainment.com for Upcoming Events!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
monday 1/14
The Secret B-Sides Doors at 8pm - All Ages Half Price Pint Night
$5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
tuesday 1/15
John Wesley Satterfield and Mac Leaphart Half Price Pint Night
Trivia! $2 Domestic Drafts
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
WED. 1/16
Live Team Trivia - 8pm
$1.50 PBR Tall Boys
Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
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The Grid WED: Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Featuring the $5 Dickel Tickle Every Day! Sunday: Celebrate our 1 Year Anniversary 8pm - Midnight!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
A Night at the Cheese Shop Vaudeville Show, 9pm, $5 Drink Specials $2.50 Yuengling Drafts
thursday 1/10
FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
Live Music TBA Drink Specials!
FRIday 1/11
Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
Senryu with Nick Lutsko and the Samuel L. Jackson 5, Yak Strangler Drink Specials!
saturday 1/12
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 2 Topping Pizza $10.99 + Tax
Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
Celebrate our 1 Year Anniversary 8pm - Midnight!
sunday 1/13
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Comedy Con Queso - Open Mic Comedy - Free Queso or Salsa with tab, 9pm, FREE!
monday 1/14
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
$2 Drafts
Einstein Simplified Improv Troop 8pm, FREE $5 Burger Night
tuesday 1/15
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Left Foot Dave and the Magic Hats, 9pm, FREE $5 Nachos
WED. 1/16
Beer Bust Saturday! Free Drafts $5 Liquor Pitchers 35 cent Wings & Shrimp
Thursday: Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax Happy Hour 3-7pm: 50 cents off any beer; draft or bottle
College Night Thursday! $5 Pitcher of Beer and Free Buffet till 11 Karaoke Starts at 11 All new $5 Margarita Liquor Pitcher $3 Wells, $2 PBR tallboy Beer Pong Tourney!
This Is The End 2013 sees four well-liked series draw to a close. Though these shows will live on in syndication for years to come, the series finale of each promises to bring finality to the lives of these imaginary people. Of course, the conclusion of one’s life isn’t always glorious; oftentimes man goes out the way he came in to the world; kicking, screaming and covered in bodily fluids. What happens if these series see ungraceful endings? By: brendan and quinn
30 rock
In the cold intro the cast and crew of TGS mill around waiting for Liz Lemon to assume control of her show. Instead, the recently-married head writer appears with authoritarian figure in arms Jack Donaghy. Beaming, Lemon makes an announcement, telling the staff that she’s “Preggers and out of here, nerds!” before abruptly quitting. Tracy and Jenna pass on taking creative control of the show, noting that their antics would fall by the wayside if they were to take on any modicum of responsibility. Pete Hornberger also passes, his love of alcohol and pornography would eventually seep too deeply into the show’s subject matter. Frank assumes control temporarily, but is forced to cede power after Jack bursts into Frank’s office to berate him into compliance, only to find him high on opium. This leaves the show in
breaking bad
When Scott arrives in the office Jim stares at the camera for ten seconds in amazement before tearing up — he understands that this is the last time he’ll knowingly glance at a camera. Michael is appalled to see Andy as the Regional Manager, and he demands that Andy not use his chair. Andy insists the chair is his, but Michael notes, “It’s the same color, size and smell” of his former chair. The office all votes with Michael, and Andy
is forced to sit on a bucket for the rest of the episode. Realizing it may be the last time he ever sees Michael, Dwight finally expresses his undying love for Michael, who rebukes Dwight because “even if [Michael] was gay, [he] could do way better than Dwight, like James Spader, or something.” Insistent, Dwight tells Michael of his master plan, that the duo will retire to a quiet life on the Schrute family farm, where they can open a gay bed and breakfast called Masterbeeters. This uncomfortable confrontation forces Michael to return to New York City without his baby back ribs. The show ends with Andy wheeling his chair back in front of his desk noting it’s “Just another day in the office.”
Walt pulls into his driveway after offing Gus Fring, but he collapses on the walk inside. Skyler, peering out the window anxiously waiting for Walt to arrive home, leaves him to die on his walkway, happy to rid herself of a man she loathed. Cut to Walt miraculously waking up in his hospital bed, four strange young men and a woman he vaguely recognizes standing over his bedridden body. Slowly the memories begin to trickle back. Images from years past pang against his conscience. Four lovely boys. An overbearing wife for whom he deeply cares. The drip quickly swells to a flood, washing over him now are the years of anguish he’s felt over his children’s constant troublemaking, his wife’s insistence on being the head of the household, the menial white-collar cubicle job. He realizes everything from the drugs to the cancer to the criminal empire—it’s all just fantasy.
Harrison. That’s right, Dexter’s five year old son. Left in a pool of his mother’s blood, his own dark passenger leads him to stalk LaGuerta down and shoot her in cold blood. As Deb was babysitting Harrison she had no choice but to take him with her to find LaGuerta. Harrison stole her phone and gun, crawled to the shipping container, probably said “Fuck yo Latina ass” and shot LaGuerta – his dark passenger
Months later Hal is still rehabilitating comfortably in his vanilla suburban house, surrounded by the same four brats—the middle one named Malcolm-- and nagging wife that led him to swallow a bottle of Ambien in the first place. Working with a psychotherapist Hal slowly learns the meaning behind his coma visions; the drug trade provided Hal a means of living a dangerous profession, Skyler is the obedient wife Hal’s always wanted to have, Jesse, the malcontent younger son who actually made him money, the lung cancer manifest the years Hal spent smoking before having children. As Hal wheels himself to a window overlooking his front lawn he puts a meth pipe to his lips, lights a butane torch, inhales deeply, closes his eyes and tries to slip back into a dreamland he desperately misses.
knowing she was a threat to his father. In the meantime, Dexter runs a truck into the prison to break Hannah out, and the two fly to Argentina where they happily kill whoever they want. Harrison can’t be put in jail because he is five, so Deb takes care of him until he turns 18. By now Dexter is just a fleeting memory for all the other members of Miami Metro. Except Harrison, who tracks Dexter down with the help of Deb. Deb, Dexter, Harrison and Hannah then start their own vigilante murder team, eventually climbing the ranks of the Argentinean government where Dexter becomes King of Argentina. And just for funsies, let’s say Deb discovers she’s not related to Dexter and those two have weird sex all the time.
dexter
Deb and Dexter need to frame someone for LaGuerta’s murder, but who can they frame? They could blame LaGuerta for going insane and trying to frame Dexter to the point she tries to kill him, leaving Deb to shoot her in self-defense – but that’s too easy and the evidence against Dexter being the Bay Harbor Butcher is too strong to ignore. They must find someone to take the fall…
Cut to fourteen years in the future inside a house on Long Island. Lemon — now unkempt and morbidly obese — is wolfing down ice cream while watching re-runs of reality TV hit Space Pawn; a new show that sees pawn brokers on the moon trade oxygen for a person’s goods at an unfavorable rate. The phone rings, it’s Pete. He informs Liz that Jack has died. Liz realizes that she always truly loved Jack, and missed out on a life of glamour trying to live a life of strength and independence. Realizing she’s now a fat housewife watching bad TV and raising kids in suburbia, the screen fades out to a woman coming to terms that she’s become everything she’s always hated.
the office
Michael and his now-wife Holly are vacationing in New York City when Michael remembered that Scranton has the best Chili’s on the planet. Choosing to make a day trip, Michael is disappointed when the Scranton Chili’s is out of baby back ribs until the delivery truck arrives in the late afternoon. To kill time he decides to stop by the Dunder Mifflin office to see what the old gang is up to.
the hands of the bumbling Lutz. Three weeks later, after four fires and a crocodile attack have ravaged the TGS set, the show is cancelled.
we interview:
nightlands
When he’s not working as the bassist for Philadelphia’s War on Drugs, David Hartley pumps out future pop work as a man of the dark in Nightlands. His most recent work, Oak Island, comes out on January 22nd. He was nice enough to talk to us about what it means to be a sci-fi guy trapped in a musician’s body. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: For Nightlands, much of your work is about dreams you’ve had, or your notion of what dreams are. How do you interpret dreams as music? Dave Hartley: The first record I made, it was literally influenced by dreams. Dreams really evaporate when you wake up, so I had a voice recorder by my bed. That directly led to a lot of lyrics and melodies. On Oak Island it’s more dreamy than really relating to my dreams. I like fantastic things—unrealistic sounds, dreamscapes and soundscapes. This music, it could be a soundtrack to a dream. TBS: How do you put these songs together? Dave: I really love recording. It’s like a game to me; I come at it with this childlike wonder. What I record doesn’t have to be amazing, I just try to do the most fun thing I can in the moment. I’m pretty manic in the way I record, I just have an insatiable desire to play with sound. TBS: So do you end up with a lot of unused stuff? Dave: I usually keep working with things until I’m happy. There are definitely songs that I may come back to, and there will be songs I like and that I finish that won’t fit on a record. TBS: When you look at your evolution as a musician can you look back and see how you got to where you are now? Dave: I haven’t listened to my first record in a long time, but last time I did, I was still pretty impressed with it. It was my first timid steps and Oak Island is just the next part of the journey. I always try to make pop music in a really strange way. I’m not where I want to be, but I like chasing the dragon. TBS: How much does the visual aesthetic play into what you do? Dave: I’m really into sci-fi, and it’s pretty apparent in my visuals. At the end of “300 Clouds” it’s this huge wash of vocals, and I wanted it to sound like a legion of angels coming down from heaven, shooting lasers out of their eyes. On another song I wanted it to sound like robots marching into the sunset. I’m a visual person, and I’ll look at things when making music to spark my imagination. TBS: Does that visual-to-audio thing happen immediately, or is it something you have to work through? Dave: Sometimes I know what I want it to sound like, and I’m just chasing down that sound. Most of the time it doesn’t turn out the way you’d expect, but it’s better than what you want, or it takes you to an interesting place. TBS: You mentioned earlier that you’re a sci-fi nut; what kind of sci-fi gets you going? Dave: I’m into hard sci-fi. Basically, it’s written by people with a comprehensive knowledge of science. Arthur C. Clarke is at the forefront of that genre. He’s a fucking genius, and when he was writing his novels it wasn’t just “This could happen!” Everything is so fantastic, but grounded in reality. It blows your mind if you really think about it. It’s not magic, it’s science. TBS: Working out of Philadelphia, how would you describe the music scene there? Dave: I think it’s a vibrant musical community with less of an emphasis on “making it,” whatever that means now. There’s a huge body of people searching for musical fulfillment. Philly has way more than L.A., with its success-driven scene, or New York, with a lack of identity because of the transplants.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
Zero dark thirty In Theaters January 11th From the duo who brought you The Hurt Locker comes the true story of ‘Merica’s search to catch super-bad arch-villain Osama bin Laden. Framed through the eyes of a CIA agent who will stop at nothing to get her man (in a totally unsexy way), this film allegedly obtained classified materials that got the GOP all rattled, which just adds intrigue to the already compelling story.
$ellebrity In select Theaters January 11th Renown photographer Kevin Mazur tells the tale of overbearing paparazzi from the side of the stars themselves. The likes of Kid Rock, Jennifer Lopez and other intruded-on celebs give interviews exploring the violation one feels when a member of the press climbs the wall of your house to snap a photo. On the other side of the coin, without the tabloids and increasingly unreliable news outlets, they would be nobodies… which may be a good thing.
Girls sunday, january 13th at 9pm on hbo In the Season 2 premiere of Lena Dunham’s diary-turned-somewhatrelatable-drama about 20-something girls living in Brooklyn, Hannah (Dunham) throws a housewarming party with her new roommate / newly out-of-the-closet ex-boyfriend Elijah. Meanwhile, Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) gets weird around weird Ray, the taker of her virginity. Oy vey.
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bartender of the week John G. Preservation Pub Major: Psychology
Rockstar You Want to Party with: Levon Helm
Nickname: “The Dickhead” Relationship Status: Single Boxers or Briefs: Boxer-Briefs Favorite “Walks Into a Bar Joke”: The one about the monkey and the bartender Best Pick-up Line: I don’t need to use them. Parties or Bars: Bars Worst Person You’ve Drunk Dialed: Mom at 4 a.m. on her birthday.
Describe Your Typical Customer: Usually Knoxville locals, grassroots kind of people. Favorite Drunk Food: Mac and Cheese and hot dogs. Personal Theme Song: “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” Favorite Shot: Jager, Bailey’s, and Kahlua Bar Pet Peeve: Asking how much something is.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Aww snap, girl, you ready for this game? Can you handle the pressure? Will your drunk ass remember what to do? Don’t worry, this simple game will get you simply drunk. Nothing to complain about right here.
Sometimes it’s late and you don’t know what you want eat. You just want everything: every flavor, every texture, and every carb. So indulge in your deepest desires and start your New Year’s resolution, uh, next week, or something. It’ll always be there.
Number of Players: At least four, and the more the merrier. What You Need: Beer, cards, agility. Intoxication Level: You’ll start naturally speaking ebonics.
What You’ll Need: Tortilla chips, barbecue sauce, and shredded cheese. You can also add lettuce, tomatoes, olives, jalapenos, avocado, pretty much any kind of meat, extra cheese, and green onions. If you’ve got ‘em, flaunt ‘em. Cook Time: About five minutes, ten if you need to cut up anything. Fatty Factor: Like you really care.
Oh, Snap!
How to Play: - Designate one person as the dealer. Since the dealer has a disadvantage, the dealer does not have to play during their deal. - All other players keep their “snap hand” behind their back. - The dealer begins by placing cards face up, in a stack, and calls out the number on each turn. - When two cards of the same number come up in a row, the first person to bring their hand down on top of the pile gives out one drink for each number on the card. - The round ends when the dealer runs out of cards, and a new dealer is chosen. - You can add variety to the game by adding other “snaps,” like when face cards of the same suit come up, or when cards in ascending or descending order come up. The Game Ends When: Everyone’s hands are too bruised to open another beer.
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Barbecue Nachos
Let’s Get Baked: - Put tortilla chips of a microwave-safe plate, enough to cover the bottom and then some. - Spoon on a few tablespoons worth of barbecue sauce. - Sprinkle on cheese and any other toppings you may have. Sprinkle on more cheese just because. - Microwave the plate until cheese is just about melted, about two or three minutes. - Dip in extra barbecue sauce if you’re sexy feeling that way. If you thought this was great late in the night, try making this again sober while you’re watching football on Sunday. Barbecue pulledpork is an ideal addition, but we understand that anything that can’t be microwaved may be difficult for a college student to prepare, so call mom and make her bring it to you.
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the crossword: All about ads Across 2) Creepy ass dude who was kind of funny, mostly creepy, for this burger joint. 5) Duke always wants to tell the owner’s secret recipe. 7) He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does... 8) Brightly colored chicks dancing around about this soda 10) Yo quiero this, especially at 2 a.m. 11) AFLAC insurance mascot. 12) This super cool dude made cigs look super cool. 16) This cheetah is Cheetos. 20) He keeps going and going and going for this company. 21) Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles enlisted the help of this
entire cartoon. 22) Hip-hop hamsters still don’t make this car company cool. 23) He’s grrreat! 24) I like chicken, I like liver... Down 1) Classiest legume in a top hat and cane. 3) Colonel Sanders is both founder and mascot. 4) A cute amphibian made this insurance company known. 5) Burping frogs were the face of this beer company for awhile. 6) Coors Light used this type of siblings. 9) Acted by Dean Winters, Allstate will save you from this. 13) Your cute black Grandma, also vaguely racist. 14) Creepy clown for a huge fast food restaurant. 15) Can you hear me now? 17) Fabulous! 18) Dude, you had this circa early 2000s. 19) The Man Your Man Could Smell Like.
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