Volume 5
The Black Sheep
SHO FREE TS A ! L I K T TH E M E EN ELT Y D O JELL FA TAI -O LGA T
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
E.
Issue 1
DRINKING GAME:
The Tennessee Away Game Cory Chitwood wrote this Fall in Tennessee means two things: football (of course) and a spike in Knoxville liquor sales. When the games are home at least everybody knows exactly what activities to partake in: Running amuck in Neyland, around campus and The Fort with 100,000 other drunk people in orange. But what’s the proper way to drink when the Vols are playing on the road? This away (drinking) game is your guide! - The first time you hear Rocky Top, it’s imperative that you finish your drink. Andrew Jackson didn’t kick British ass and earn the Volunteer State its nickname in the War of 1812 so you could bitch your way through a beer. Finish that shit, it’s game time. - Because it’s inevitable, have a strong shot on hand for when the game commentators bring up the fact that Tennessee football is a tradition-rich program that has fallen off in recent years. You know, just in case you forgot. - The first time the Vols score, fill up a victory round; it’s time to take another shot. Why? First off, because the Vols scored and you should celebrate. Secondly, given that most of Tennessee’s away games are against ranked opponents, you’re going to need all the alcohol you can get to keep your nerves down and spirits up. - Derek Dooley and Lane Kiffin. These foul words will make any Vol fan cringe, and it’s almost certain that they will get mentioned during any Tennessee football
game by some half-wit commentator who is hell-bent on beating a dead horse. Any time you hear either Derek or Lane’s name, immediately finish your drink, fill up another one, and finish that one too. Forgetting isn’t easy. - Any time a commentator says the words “youth” or “inexperience” while referring to UT, drink. It should be noted that this will happen several times. Hey, we may be “youthful” and “inexperienced,” but at least we’re not a washed-up football player turned commentator, you old fart. - Because history shows that the second half of away games for Tennessee football will require a high level of intoxication to endure, halftime requires another round of shots. Keep going strong all the way through those hundreds of Comcast commercials. - If–excuse us, when–the Vols are still in it by the time the fourth quarter rolls around, shotgun a beer, things are about to get interesting. Make sure you’re ready to scream your lungs out for the Orange and White! They need all of our support back home to win! - Every time you see the Butch Jones “brickby-brick” mailbox commercial take a pull of sweet, sweet beer. This commercial runs about a million times per game, so we would say to skip this one if you’re a lightweight…but you’d have to hate the Vols not to drink for Butch.
- If the Vols win, take a round of victory double shots. Everyone must participate. If you don’t, you probably belong at UTC. Or better yet, just go ahead and transfer to UT-Martin, Vol-hater.
- Because win or lose, you’re still on Rocky Top, whenever the clock hits 0:00, finish whatever you have left, no matter what the score. After all, they say a bad day on Rocky Top is better than a good day anywhere else (alcohol helps tremendously with this).
These games will most definitely distinguish the lightweights from the heavyweights as you cheer from home for the Vols as they play across the nation. Never stop giving your all for Tennessee, and just remember, a true Vol is a champion at rallying.
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THE OFFICIAL UT 2014 PARTY THROWING GUIDE
99 PROBLEM’S BUT A BUTCH AIN’T ONE
THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE
IF YOU’RE HAVING FOOTBALL PROBLEMS, WE FEEL BAD FOR YOU, SON.
ONE COLLEGE SENIOR PUT-UP AND SHUT-UP WHILE RETAKING A HISTORY A.P. TEST. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’D DO?
GET THOSE PARTY PANTS ON, BOYS AND GIRLS.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UTK
SEPTEMBER 18th, 2014 - OCTOBER 1st, 2014
PAGES 10-11
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A FEW MORE WAYS
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TO KILL SOME TIME.
THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
THE PUERTO RICAN FOG BANK “After fashioning an impromptu helmet out of a watermelon rind Selma was relieved that no one would see the severe cranial bruising she suffered after drunkenly falling down a flight of stairs.”
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WORD of the WEEK
S’MORGASM Any orgasm in which chocolate, marshmallow, graham cracker or fire is involved.
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Started heavy metal band Body Count.
2
Spent many years in the Army.
3
Voiced Madd Dogg in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
# #
“Lick that Hershey highway off my fat tits!” Melody screamed as she loudly s’morgasmed.
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PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UTK
BLACK SHEEP GUIDE School is back in full swing on Rocky Top which means students’ stress levels are rising and liquor sales are booming. With all the distractions on campus, it can be hard to keep up (or care) about classes. Freak-outs are inevitable, but bearable. The Black Sheep can make it easier with our guide to maneuvering one of the most difficult collegiate etiquette rules: how to send a mass email.
indication that you’re so SOL so early in the semester that not even the all-mighty and powerful Butch could help you.
Once you’ve decided that you’re going to be “that guy” who sends out the dreaded mass email to your entire anthropology class, you can employ our slacker etiquette with the following steps:
Rule #6: On the other hand, don’t make your email a super-formal “dear madams and messieurs, I seem to have missed our lecture. Would anyone be so kind…” No. Then you’ll just be labeled as that pedantic asshole for the rest of the semester.
Rule #1: Never send out a mass email on game day (or the weekend at all for that matter). We’ll be too busy Vol-in’ hard to give a shit, so show some common courtesy and wait until Monday and to tell us how screwed you are.
VOLUNTEER ETIQUETTE: Mastering the Mass Email Cory Chitwood wrote this
Rule #2: If you’re using a fake excuse, at least make it good (none of that “I was sick” crap). Honor our good intentions of opening the dreaded mass email by regaling us with a story of your handicapped aunt who was hit by a motorcycle on Friday off Kingston Pike. Rule #3: You are not allowed to send two mass emails in the same semester. It’s one thing to be “that guy,” it’s another to be just plain evil. It’s bad enough that they recently added a whole 3 more letters to our email addresses recently without you spamming up all of our @vols.utk. edu mailboxes. Rule #4: No sending out mass emails until at least October. Any earlier is a pretty clear
Rule #5: Don’t try to make a joke out of it. No “hey guys! Missed class again…lol.” We’re your classmates, not your bffs. But in the true Volunteer spirit we’ll give it to ya straight if you lay it out straight.
Rule #7: Be sure to mention the Big Orange Screw in your email – no one’s ever used that one before, and everyone will give you fake internet points for your originality. Couldn’t find parking? Blame the Screw. Rule #8: When you go on Blackboard to send a mass email, make sure you click the box next to “all students” not “all users” –unless you want your prof to know that you “missed class because you just felt like it, lol.” After you’ve exploited your classmates for all the help you can get, you can walk away with the sweet satisfaction of barely scraping by as you swear to yourself that you’ll never fall behind in a class like that again-- which we all know has about the same value as when someone says “I’m never drinking before a Volunteer football game again.” But, after all, nothing embodies “Big Orange, Big Ideas” more than a plan to do as little work as possible all semester.
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THE OFFICIAL UT 2014 PARTY THROWING GUIDE Scott Hannah wrote this The days are getting more comfortable, the sun is setting a little earlier, large men are hitting each other at breakneck speeds, and the air is slightly cooler…on some days at least (Knoxville weather, amiright?). And for many of you who either moved out of dorms or Greek houses for the first time this year, you’ll be living in apartments— or at least off campus—for the first time. And with this new power comes great new responsibility: being able to throw a badass party. But unless you have a little Van Wilder DNA in you, you probably can’t pull a great party out of your ass; it takes a little planning and know how. That’s why we’re here to tell you everything you need to know to throw a shindig worthy of last semester’s Block Party. Know Your Friends: The basic foundation of a party is people. So many potentially great parties have been ruined by people
not showing up. If you get to this step of the planning and realize you’ve hit a road block, you might want to call off the party and reorganize your life a little bit. Or, if you have friends but they don’t really like to party too much, find new friends. This is Rocky Top, people. We’re here to have a good time. Know Your Surroundings: You may not have an RA anymore, but you do have something a little more threatening: neighbors that won’t hesitate to call the cops on you. Yes, even in The Fort. You have to find the thin line between being respectful and being a maverick and not giving a shoot. Party on Tuesday night? Maybe keep the Superbass in check. Party on Friday night? Legally, your speaker volume can’t drop below the max. Also, it shouldn’t take a land surveyor to tell you that you can’t fit 69 people into your
350-square-foot apartment. If you try a stunt like that, you’re gonna have a bad time. Get Your Gear: We assume that most apartments come standard with all the tools you need to consume whatever poison you and your guests will be putting in yourselves, but if not, you’re going to want to pick some up. Some basic gear would be shot glasses (for milk if you’re under 21) and a funnel (for funneling milk), but if you’re looking to go next level might we suggest some Das Boots (to see who can chug milk faster). If drinking games are your thing, a deck of cards, dice, and quarters will provide you with hours of milk-drinking fun. Make sure you have plenty of trash cans because you’re probably going to have some people throwing up from all the milk they’re drinking.
Have a Theme: We’re of the mindset that just about any time a party has a theme, it’s going to better than one without. Everyone loves Halloween because they get to dress up, so why wait and only do it one night a year? Make it something topical; if something happens in the news and you can make a trivia team name out of it, it can probably be a theme for a party. And before you go and hurt yourself trying to pull off an Animal House theme party, we’ll save you a little trouble: you can’t party like they used to in the 70s. None of us can. Your mom and dad went harder in the paint than you ever will, and they still
somehow had you. You’re not up to that level. On the other hand, a “Feels Like ’98” themed party never fails. Now that we’ve dispatched our wisdom onto you, The Black Sheep will take full responsibility for every successful party for the following year (but only if it’s successful. If it sucks, we had nothing to do with it). Our parting words of wisdom for you hopeful party-throwers are: you’re only in college once, so if you’re going to get in trouble while you’re here, at the best college in the world, you might as well love doing it.
CURRENT EVENTS
THE TOP TEN Ways Freshmen Have It Easy Back in our day, being a freshman meant something. We had to get to class while navigating the construction wasteland that was UT and we didn’t have any fancy shopping palaces in our backyard. Here’s a few things that are making the class of 2018 soft. 10.) It’s Easy to Shop for Orange: The convenient VolShop on The Strip makes it so much easier to give money to UT now! You can go buy whatever orange paraphernalia you could ever dream of. Don’t worry about the price tag, your parents have this one! 9.) Lots of Dining Options on the Strip: Gone are the days where your only food option is something that is only technically food. Presidential Court is a thing of the past with new restaurants on The Strip that accept Dining Dollars. You guys just enjoy that Panda Express you can walk to while all the rest of us drive past it enviously, looking for a parking spot. 8.) They Haven’t Had That One Teacher Yet: At this point in their college career, these lucky freshies still have bright opinions of the world that haven’t been ruined by that one awful professor who has it out for them. Enjoy this time free of anger and frustration. It won’t last. 7.) They Get to Use the New Stuff: Each year, campus gets a little bit closer to being finished with construction (“finished” is a relative term here). Most of us won’t be here when it finally wraps up, but the freshmen will at least get to use some of the stuff, like the new UC. The new UC we paid for.
99 Problems But a
Butch Ain’t One Smokey Gray wrote this
There’s one man on the UT campus that all Vols are fascinated by. Some say he’s mysterious, others claim he’s a hero, and a few say he’s a straight-up DILF. Surprisingly, this man is of average height, a steady weight, with brown hair and brown eyes. Who is this perfectly normal-sounding man you may ask? Well it’s Butch Freakin’ Jones and he’s anything but the typical human being. Butch Jones is the savior of the Tennessee football program, students and faculty alike wouldn’t think twice to praise his orangey greatness. He’s just that great, okay? As the history books will show, Butch arrived at UT two football seasons ago and no one in Knoxville has looked back since. Even though he’s brought us a few losses, he’s brought us many encouraging wins and something less tangible: hope for the future. Die-hard old folk fans would even say that it’s beginning to feel like ’98 again. Mr. Jones has given us our Vol spirit back. Students are genuinely happy to spend $10 on a ticket that should be free (#bigorangescrew) and spend their Saturday afternoons in Neyland Stadium. Before the presaged arrival of the almighty Butch, Volunteer enrollees were all but forced into getting annihilated before the games just to numb the pain of the embarrassing losses. Dooley was a disgrace to the orange and white, had Butch not been hired the University of Tennessee would have slipped away to the lowest ranks of the SEC –and its fans into an even deeper
06
pit of despair. But no fear, Butch swooped in from Cincinnati and brought us out of our Dooleyhating coma. Remember that first season? Suddenly, the campus had life again. The hope of a promising football season brought students out of their apathetic state; they even started wearing Vol attire on Fridays in anticipation for the next day’s game. Excitement was at an all-time high, Twitter was booming with countdowns ‘til the first game day, and pictures of Team 118 circulated with gleeful anticipation.
6.) Free Laundry: Everyone who has used on-campus laundry has an opinion on it, and they’ll tell you about it. The laundry here still sucks, but now it’s free. And you don’t even have to swipe your VolCard! Upperclassmen, remember back to when you lived in a dorm and think about that for a minute. 5.) New Shopping Center: This should be obvious. Not that there aren’t already close grocery stores, but now all it takes to get whatever you need is a skip and a hop away. And it’s open 24 hours, which is perfect for the college freshmen since they’re just discovering sleep is overrated. 4.) New Shopping Center Keeps Homeless off The Strip: More important than being able to buy groceries quickly and conveniently, the new shopping center provides a new outlet for homeless people to hang out. You’ll be able to tell the difference after walking down Cumberland in the dark a few times. 3.) 4-Star Residence Hall: Have you been in the New Fred D. Brown residence hall? Just the lobby is enough to make any upperclassman who didn’t get the opportunity to live there supremely jealous. Freshmen that have to live in relative squalor in halls like Hess, Clement, Humes, and the Carricks, rise up against them! They have large balconies as well. And as we all know, balconies are for ballers. 2.) The Bridge: Who knew that something so simple would save so much time? Now that it’s finally done, time doesn’t have to be wasted going up and down those dumb hills, even if your retinas are now scarred by the weird brightness of the sun reflecting off those white bricks.
The first game day we’ll remember ‘til the last of our Vol-for-Life days: A sea of students made their way into Neyland with undoubted assurance of a win. As people took their seats they could see Butch Jones lead his team onto the field. He was manly and proud and also very good looking in a hot dad way, the kind of man you could go grocery shopping with, but who could beat the shit out of a crazed Little League dad at the same time. Finally, here was someone who looked like he could lead our Vols to Victory. Knoxville used to live and breathe Volunteer football. The air’s clearing again, but now we also live and breathe Butch Jones. Rocky Top bumps all day on game day, tailgates get hype, and we’re sure many students are wondering the same thing, like, “damn why isn’t Butch Jones my dad?” We may have 99 problems on this campus, but a Butch ain’t one.
1.) Our Monthly Freshman Sacrifice Has Been Banned: Unfortunately, due to school policy, the ritual sacrificing of a freshman to Peyton Manning every month has been outlawed. Yeah, we know it sucks, but you’ll have to find a less lethal way of making the freshmen’s place known. Like paddles. Austin McLaurine wrote this
PARTY PICS
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What was the last regrettable purchase you’ve made? Caroline
“A star.”
Mary
“I adopted an elderly person from the internet.”
Grey
“Butt implants.”
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour Monday-Friday, 3-7pm: $2 Pints $5 Appetizers
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Thursday
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints $5 Appetizers
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Football Friday! Select menu items like “The General” helps a walk-on player proudly wear the Big Orange Downstairs Dance Party with Live DJ!
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Saturday
Bring your own disco records!
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Disco Night!
Bring your own disco records!
$1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE! Comedy Show at 7pm and Live Music After
Sunday
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Monday
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints $5 Appetizers
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Martini Monday: $5 Martini Special, $2 Domestic Bottles $4.95 Wings or Shorts Ribs 3-10pm
Three 3-Topping Pizzas for $21
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Tuesday
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1/2 Price Large Beer Dough Pizza, $2 Domestic Drafts FREE to play Poker 6pm and 7:30pm
Buy One 14” Specialty Pizza, Get Second One 1/2 Off
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Wednesday
Jazz Night 9pm Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Pints $5 Appetizers
American Night $2 Bud and Bud Lights $4 Wild Turkey Honey $5 American Harvest $5.99 Burgers
Seafood Specials and 1/2 off Bottled Wines 3-10pm $2 Domestic Drafts
2 Calzones for $12
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & Ciders are $1 off!
Many of us took A.P. exams in high school. It was an awful experience that we have only recently recovered from. But did anyone actually learn anything in these courses? And would you remember the material now if you had to take it again?
THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS
With the use of Learnerator.com, I, a senior in college and member of The Black Sheep, will take a practice test for the A.P. U.S. History exam. I took this same exam five years ago as a junior in high school, so we’ll see if my rapidly-deteriorating brain has retained anything.
THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE
MY EXPECTATION:
I won’t retain anything. I’ll come out of this test on top of my shield, having been devoured and impaled on a Draconian spike.
Keep in my mind: This A.P. exam is broken into two parts, but, as I do not have a certified A.P. grader with me, I will only be attempting the first part, which is 80 multiple choice questions with a time limit of 55 minutes. I assume high school students aren’t allowed to listen to music while they take their test, but that simply isn’t happening, as I would like for my sanity to remain intact. In 2013, in order to receive a 5 on this test, you needed to correctly answer 61% of the questions. I will be recording some of my thoughts as I go along.
22 Questions in: Who in the hell is Ida B. Wells?
Pre Test: I feel pretty good. I got a 5 on this test in high school and now I’m older and wis—well definitely older. Sure, I don’t really feel like I’ve learned much in college, and drinking supposedly kills tons of brain cells, but I can’t be dumber than the kids who lowered the curve to the point that a 61% merits a 5. Kids these days are so dumb. That’s probably why standardized tests keep getting easier every year. I’m a little bit nervous, but that’s normal before you take a test that has absolutely no bearing on your life at all. 5 Questions In: Disregard everything I said before. This is completely unfair. The high school kids who took this test had a whole year of the class to prepare for it and I haven’t taken a single U.S. History class in college. Plus, they have evolution on their side. How am I supposed to compete with these genetically engineered superbeings when I’m just a normal person? That’s like the first scene in Troy where Brad Pitt kills that huge guy, but instead of a huge guy, I’m just some dope.
33 Questions in: I’m close to halfway and I have answered, at most, five questions with confidence. I don’t know what happened. I used to be smart (sort of ). At the time I took this test, I was probably as smart as I’ll ever be. That was the high point of my life; the peak. It’s all downhill from here. Now I know how Alex Moran felt in that one episode of Blue Mountain State. What happened to me? Well, I started drinking much more heavily after high school. That can’t have helped. I guess doing the bare minimum to pass classes in college isn’t making me any smarter. 61% seems like it would be a miracle at this point. 37 Questions in: I quit. 50 Questions In: This is an absolute nightmare. I’m so stupid, it’s pathetic. I’m practically answering at random right now. I need to do a Billy Madison or something. Two weeks in each grade. Easy. He seemed to have a really good time with it. And if I could find a Veronica Vaughn for myself, my life would be perfect. That movie was awesome. I wonder what actor played the giant penguin. Do you think he mentions that at parties when he meets people and they ask him what he does? I’ll see if IMDb says anything about it. Shit, I have to get back to the test. I guess my knowledge of 19th century Supreme Court Cases has proven inadequate. 14 Questions In: This doesn’t even resemble the test I took five years ago. It’s all quotes from old, racist documents and equally racist maps. There hasn’t been any factual information at all yet. And why is there so much about Spanish settlement in Mexico and South America? That’s not even U.S. History! This test is a ruse to make me look dumb, and it’s working. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt any dumber than I do right now. Well, maybe that time I got caught trying to steal condoms because I was too embarrassed to buy them in high school. It was fine, though, I didn’t need them then, but I think I need one now because this test is buttfucking me. 15 Questions In: A poem! Are you fucking kidding me? This is supposed to be a history test.
QUESTIONS ANSWERED 80
52 Questions In: What am I thinking? That could never work. They would never let Billy Madison happen today. A grown man in an elementary school would never be allowed. The movie wouldn’t even work because everyone would assume he was a pedophile and ruin it. Add that to the list of things that pedophiles ruined for all of us, like being able to use the bathroom at an elementary school, or going to your little sister’s soccer game alone, or becoming an ice cream man. Assholes. Why doesn’t the ice cream man do business in college towns? I bet they’d make a killing. 76 Questions In: I can see it. The finish line. It’s waiting there for me…and it’s glorious. Now I know how Harold and Kumar felt when they finally got within four multiple-choice questions of White Castle, but I’m far less high. When I finish this exam, I’m going to call my girlfriend and tell her I love her. Well, I don’t have a girlfriend, but maybe I’ll tell some random girl I walk by that I love her. People love it when you do that.
QUESTIONS ANSWERED CORRECTLY 42
ACCURANCY % 52
THE RESULTS:
POST-TEST:
I answered 42 of the 80 questions correctly, falling 7 short of my goal of 61%. In a way, I was right; I am embarrassed to tell you my score. It almost makes up for the fact that I am a moron who peaked at 17. But yeah, the test was really difficult. I feel like I just got taken behind a shed and deloused. I always thought my seventh grade English teacher was wrong when she told me I was lazy and would never amount to anything, but it turns out she was spot on. Maybe I should call her and apologize for egging her house so many times. Maybe with enough therapy I can convince myself that it’s because of what she said that I ended up offering sexual favors in exchange for drugs, because that seems to be where I’m headed. I’m practically sprinting there.
I think I have ADD. Did you see how many times I got sidetracked? Maybe if I show this to a doctor, he’ll prescribe me Adderall. It’s like steroids, but for your brain. I can’t wait to start selling th… I mean taking them, so as to cure my horrible attention deficit disorder. Wow, the American education system has really let me down.
THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Major: Software development Favorite Drink: Warm Grand Marnier Favorite Shot: Fireball with Red Bull Disgusting Drink: Cement Mixer – lemon juice and Bailey’s What’s next up after the Fireball craze dies down?: Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Fire What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever had a drink out of?: My own tip jar.
MARCUS of SCRUFFY CITY HALL THE DRINKING GAME SHOT FOR ARREST It’s a shame to let the recent surge of NFL scandals and player arrests go to waste. After all, it’s the illegal activity of the NFL that can bring football fans and people who watch football solely for the commercials together. What You’ll Need: A handle and corrupt NFL players. Good news: There’s an abundance of both! Number of Players: As many as you can fit in your living room to watch the game on Sunday afternoon. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be wishing football was outlawed in the United States. How to Play: Drink when: - A player’s actions make you want to hold your child tight. - A player’s crimes make you want to hold your partner tight. - TMZ says they have exclusive footage of wrongdoings that you should be repulsed by, but you stream during class anyway. - You wonder if football players keep football helmets in their cars now to show cops who they are when they get pulled over for drugs and alcohol. - A player spikes a football on the turf for a touchdown and you find yourself relieved that it’s not someone’s face. - USA Today creates a database of all the arrests of NFL players in the 2000s. (This actually exists.) - The names of football teams start to sound too domineering when you replace “-er” with “-her.” Examples: Raidhers, Steelhers, Packhers. The Game Ends When: Football season ends and you’re happy to see happy-go-lucky comradery during baseball season.
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Your least favorite swear word is…and why?: “C*nt”…it’s just a strong bad word.
What sounds like a nickname for a penis, but isn’t a nickname for a penis?: ‘Milk popsicle’ When were you most embarrassed to find yourself crying?: 1st date to a sad movie when I was 15 or 16. To whom do you most want to whisper, “Bathroom, five minutes.”? Tara Reid, preSharknado So, I’ve got the cash—where’s the blow?: I’ve got the milk popsicle, where’s the job? Why should people read The Black Sheep?: If you can have this much fun with an interview imagine how great the whole paper is!
RECIPE FOR DISASTER YUM GUM Have you ever been stuck in lecture and had the most terrible taste in your mouth but no gum? Only five minutes earlier, your hand accidentally slid over a piece of dried gum under your desk. You think to yourself, “That would work, but I bet it’s pretty stale by now.” Make that ABC gum turn into YUM gum with a few quick tricks: What You’ll Need: Old gum stuck under a desk, stuck to the sidewalk, or stuck to some other stationary object in a public space, sprinkles, as well as regular and sour Skittles. Fatty Factor: Zero calories, unless you’re a gum swallower. In that case, you’re probably going to die from a clogged poophole, so you’ve got bigger problems, mister. Let’s Get Baked: - Steal a paint scraper from your apartment complex’s maintenance staff. - Scrape gum away from the desk/sidewalk/other public space without drawing attention to yourself. Scream that Chipotle is giving away free burrito bowls or moon everyone while you bend over to scrape the gum. - Massage the gum in your hands to make it soft. Pretend it’s old Playdoh; it feels and tastes the same Give it Some Flavor: - Add sprinkles if you want a crunch to help the gum seem chewier. - Regular and/or sour Skittles, depending on what the gum was stuck to. If it was under a desk, the gum probably sucked in a sweet, mahogany taste – regular Skittles will do just fine here. If it’s on the sidewalk and a bit more tart from dirt, sour Skittles are a better fit Never pay for gum again! Be green and reduce, reuse, rechew.
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Masturbation Schedule Now Enforced in Hess Hall Black Sheep Staff Wrote This After years of awkward knocks, confusing thumping noises, and embarrassing interruptions, Hess Hall officials have installed a mandatory masturbation schedule for new roommates. The schedule is meant to alleviate the all-too-familiar stress of walking in on your roommate while he or she is “spanking the monkey.” According to Barbara Hannick, head administrator of the dorm, the new ruling has been in development for years. “We’ve been working with the school for the past five months trying to find an effective way to administrate this problem. Biologists, life coaches, and pornographers have all been called in for their expertise.” This problem is known to all freshmen. How does one touch themselves without having their
roommate see them? However, now thanks to Hess Hall’s Masturbation Schedule it doesn’t have to be. The schedule works by both examining the free time roommates share each semester and how long they spend in class. After student registration, a crack team of counselors works on building a schedule for every group of roommates, and by the move-in date the schedule is posted on the door. Stories like Belinda Johnson’s and Elvis McGanian’s have forced Barbra to act on their behalf. “My roommate would run in and out at random times. I would ask him when he’d be coming back and he would always respond ‘oh, whenever,’ ” said Elvis, a senior at Tennessee After months of waiting he decided to take the risk. “He was in class, I thought I
would have the room to myself for the hour, I only needed about five minutes anyhow. Since it had been so long I decided to go all out. Light some candles, buy an actual DVD, I even got satin sheets for the occasion.” That’s when tragedy struck. “He walked in on minute four and I didn’t know what to do.” Elvis panicked and jumped off his bed. Elvis and his roommate shared bunk beds and because of his smooth sheets he fell incorrectly, landing directly on his manhood. “They call it the reverse pole vault. Happens all the time, apparently.” It’s true, injuries like this aren’t uncommon in the dorms; two in five students will hurt themselves because of masturbation-related incidents like this every semester. The same day, Belinda Johnson,
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also a senior, shared a room with a girl whose name will not be disclosed. “My parents were very strict with me as a child. They said if I ever did anything that my roommate did, I would go straight to HECK.” Boring and true to her word, Belinda never did anything in her dorm room that year. This, however, was not true for her roommate. “She had brought it up a few times and I always said ‘I’m not letting you go to Heck, no I’m not.’” The relationship the two shared quickly became strained because of this. “It was October 5th when it happened.”That evening Belinda’s roommate reportedly snapped.
“She just started screaming, ripped the face of Zac Efron off of my High School Musical 3 poster and wrote herself a one way ticket to Heck.” Belinda panicked, and quickly ran out of her room to seek refuge in the room across the hall. Unfortunately that room belonged to Elvis and she walked in right in the middle of his reverse pole vault. “His pants were down and he was screaming, his roommate was screaming,
everyone was screaming!” Belinda now lives off campus, very far off campus. Barbra believes that with the new mechanics of the Masturbation Schedule, problems like this will never arise again. Things like timed locks, doorbells, and the mandatory removal of any Zac Efron poster will help the school avoid these problems in the future.
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do you know these cereal mascots? Do you know all 8 of these cereal mascots? Oh, really, you're so smart, huh? Well, email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!
THE SCARY SSSSNAKES CROSSWORD Across: 1) Named after a common house pet, M’eow? 5) The Joakim Noah snake. 6) This snake is named after something smaller and squirmier; think bird food. 7) This one commands legions of loyal followers with its cool hood and venomous bite. 8) A bride-to-be may wear one of these bad boys on her leg. 9) Flex this big bad snake after you get pumped in the gym. 11) These snakes ain’t seein’ shit. 14) This rattler shares a symptom with many a stoner. 16) Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself after this snake.
this kind of snake. 5) A creatively-named snake with black stripes. 10) If this snake was a chess piece, it could move one space in any direction. 12) Pop on some feathers and wear one to the fanciest ball in town. 13) Kind of like slippers, but more NativeAmerican, we suppose. 15) This snake shares a name with something found in the Great Barrier Reef. 17) We’re guessing this snake doesn’t do a body good.
Down: 2) Ice Cube and Jon Voight once starred in a move featuring this fearsome Amazon constrictor. 3) This snake loves one of them southern boils with tiny lobster cousins. 4) Blue plus yellow and you have yourself
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the GRILLED MEATS wordsearch
Rib Roast | Sirloin Porterhouse | TBone Top Loin | Ribeye Tenderloin | Whole Hog Pork Shoulder | Pork Loin Leg of Lamb | Baby Back Ribs Brisket | Flank Steak Beer Can Chicken | Sausage Beef Burger | Kebabs
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