Vol. 4, Issue 1
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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1/9/14 - 1/22/14
A Reflection by UTK’s Most Magnificent Student,
Archibald J. Collingsworth BY: UTK staff The year has finally come to a close, and some of you are undoubtedly happier than others to see the end of it. A new year means new opportunities and another semester to possibly get yourself out of scholarship probation. I’m not writing this as a “self help guide” for the pathetic string of misfortunes you call your school year. I don’t care how you take what I write or what you do with it, but it would certainly do you good to pay attention — for I am Archibald J. Collingsworth: gentleman and scholar.
is how I found myself at The University of Tennessee.
I have had a rather remarkable year. I came over to the states early last year from England with nothing in my pockets but fifty million American dollars and the keys to a Bentley Continental. Yes, I admit it was a rather low point for me. I struggled to find my footing during my first few days, wandering from luxury hotel to high-rise penthouses with no avail.
From there, I went on to fail all of my classes. No bother, Mr. Cheek took my money, very graciously, and kept me on at the school. In the time others would have spent studying, I used my time to gain a following. I visited parties and recruited the partygoers by telling my tales of hardship… and by giving money to those who came with me. My empire began to take shape as students from all over campus heeded my call, and I quickly became known as King of The Fort. Students spoke of a former “Swag King” who merely watched down upon them from his billboards, threatened them with his grizzly beard and shark-like stare. But he was no worry to me, and scurried into the shadows as I lived in my extravagant quarters beneath the campus, where the school’s “dry” rule didn’t pertain and the jacuzzi was never empty of company.
But after a few fruitless weeks I found myself here in Tennessee. I visited your campus and was immediately welcomed into the open arms of your own Jimmy Cheek. He had apparently gained knowledge of me and arranged an extensive campus visit. He also asked if I would like to enroll in classes and before I could agree, he already had a bill ready for me. I paid him right there. He invited me to take over his own private lair beneath the campus. This
As of late, my presence on campus has been increasing. I have managed to convince Sir Cheek to raise tuition at my discretion and have access to school funds to pay for the luxurious underground penthouse I inhabit, not to mention my increasing taste for “Knoxville Oysters” and marshmallows served upon Derek Dooley’s naked wife — it’s expensive, but Sir Cheek falls under the same umbrella as I when it comes to the finer things in life. Being a man of money
himself, he took the chance as another opportunity to make some cash. But, dear reader, I have become somewhat lonely living by myself, and he has paid for another apartment to be built near mine so that someone else may move in. Consider this an advertisement for such
an apartment, so send your inquiries to Chancellor Jimmy Cheek’s blimp at 1232 Blimp Road, The Sky. There are also plans to build a sort of community down here, filled with people who can’t be bothered to live on the surface, and will pour abominable amounts of money into the university to live with me here, underground.
page 5
page 6
Breaking News: Woman keeps new years resolution
How to put your lame holiday gifts to good use
We heard soaking in a tub of sausage grease is great for your skin.
You’ve gotten creative before (cough, butt chugging), you can get creative again.
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Pardon, it seems I’ve gotten a little off track and rambled on about how great my year was. By now, those reading this probably feel awful about how they spent their year compared to mine. I guess I will leave you with some advice to hopefully achieve what I have: Be rich. It really is great advice. Onwards to 2014, plebeians!
page 10
We Interview: Mary Lambert We chat with the “Same Love” singer, you know, the song that’s been stuck in your head for months.
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Breaking News: Area Woman Reports Keeping Her New Year Resolution to Bathe in Sausage Grease By: black sheep staff SOUTH KNOXVILLE—Recent reports indicate that a Knoxville woman has kept her promise to only bathe in sausage grease for two weeks straight. Apparently the woman, who prefers to remain anonymous, got the idea one night after attending a family party and during which she stress ate 47 ounces of uncooked chorizo. We tracked her down, and she reluctantly agreed to an interview. “I had massive diarrhea for a week straight after my binge. I knew I had to do something so I could be closer to the pork product I love so dearly, despite the burning fury that was exploding out of my anus.” She took a break to catch her breath and swat at flies that had been swarming around her most prominent dreadlock. “I decided from then on I would become one with sausage. I went straight to Kroger on New Year’s Day and bought 80 pounds of sausage and a chest freezer. The cashier was visibly confused, so I explained as rationally as possible that I
planned to become one with the meat.” The area woman, who appeared greasy and porked-out during the interview, explained that not everyone seemed to understand her goal, and on several occasions has mistaken for a homeless person, given her grimy appearance, general lack of fashion sense, and, oh yeah, being covered in meat grease. The area woman seemed to indicate that sausage was in fact much better than love, since all the men and their sausages she’d ever come in contact with had let her down. According to the area woman, there was Randy with the Polish kielbasa, Johnson with the stadium brat, and Tiny with the miniature smoky link; none of which could fulfill her desires. She then went into more graphic detail about juicy sausages in her stale bun. We immediately regretted asking. Sources indicate that the area woman was seen on January 1st near an apartment complex on Laurel Ave. swallowing
pounds of what appeared to be blood sausage then belching continuously for an hour and a half. One informant told us she resembled an, “oily Jennifer Hudson pre-Weight Watchers.” Another source characterized the area woman as reminiscent of a Tolkien character. However, Several local Lord of the Rings geeks have confirmed that it’s probably Gimli. After our interview was complete, our reporter questioned the mental health of the area woman, and also if she actually was, in fact, homeless. Given the fact we found her loitering on campus, we suspect that her tales might be the rants of an old schizophrenic. Regardless, her appearance and aroma suggested she had experienced a long separation from soap and water whether these were replaced with sausage grease and a loofa or not. One local bartender claimed she was just a crazy old bat who “went around and chopped off dicks.” If the area woman’s claims are true, then
we are proud of the acne-ridden hero and her out-of-the-box, albeit successful, New Year’s Resolution. Soon more facts are sure to come to light and must be uncovered
before we can be certain. For now, much like the end of Life of Pi, we’ll choose the cheery ending that doesn’t involve potential cannibalism.
The
Top
Ten
School Habits You Didn’t Change Over Break By: N.E. Student
As students, we pray for winter break all semester and when it comes we try to spend as much time drinking, chilling with friends and not doing shit for an entire month. But let’s face it: anything we did during break was just a different version of what we’d be doing any given Friday in Knoxville. All of these examples go to show that winter vacation at home was essentially an extended weekend at school.
How to Put Your Lame Holiday Gifts to Good Use By: Ivana Jizonnya So you’re back on campus after a few weeks of lounging, vacationing, or (God forbid) working during Christmas break. For the most part you got a pretty good haul this Christmas – some new video games, cash, maybe an extra minifridge for all that leftover “Subway” for your dorm. But what about those rando presents you get from others? What are you supposed to do with a 12-pack of oven mitts, an ugly knitted sweater, or yet another gift card for Aeropostale? Don’t whine, fret, or throw them away just yet, fellow students. The Black Sheep is here to give you some suggestions and turn those gifts from drab to fab! Option #1: Donate it to charity: “That’s nice and all,” you might think, “but how does that make my gag gift of 20 pairs of My Little Pony undies into a cooler present?”Well, it doesn’t. But really, what can you do with a gift like that? At least you get them out of your life and to a little girl who might actually need them. Otherwise you could use them to frame that creepy mustachioed hallmate of yours, but this is a much better use. Option #2: Re-appropriate: Your grandma sent you that As Seen on TV Pocket Hose even though you have absolutely no need for such a thing, but did you ever think of how you can use that in a college setting? Connect that spiral-y little bastard to a beer tap and you can chug straight from the keg while 25 feet away! Amazing! Don’t mess and fuss with regular old hoses they used in the 70s! The Pocket Hose is the number one keg hose in America!
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Option #3: Pranking: Your aunt assumed that because you’re now a legal-aged girl in college, you enjoy drinking Smirnoff Ice. But you go to the University of Tennessee, so you know how to drink the real stuff — like Everclear straight out of the bottle! So you know what to do here – throwback to 2009 and ice some bitches! When your bro-friends come over for a party, offer them beers then hand them those lame lady-drinks. Handing a paper in early Monday morning? Psych! Ice that TA! The plumber comes by to check the toilet? Iced! By the rules of college-hood, bro-hood, and all that is holy, they must get down on one knee and down the entire bottle of strawberry-flavored pussywater. Good job on that one. Option #4: Sell it: Your well-meaning older sister who’s married and is a “real adult” now gave you a fancy set of expensive tumblers, probably from Pottery Barn or some other equally useless store. What’s that shit for? Real glasses, like the ones made of glass, can break. You mean glasses that you actually have to clean after drinking from them? No thanks sis, you’ll stick to red Solo cups like a normal, well-adjusted college student. You pretend to like them but as soon as she leaves you return them to the store and spend that money on more Solo cups and alcohol so you can throw a party for friends when you get back. Now that’s a real present! So whether you got what you asked for or got what you deserved, no present should ever go unused. Think of those poor, starving kids in Africa when you throw away that nostalgic Floam your cousin got you — kids could eat that Floam!
10.) Going to Bars: You went to an old hangout in your hometown and only talked to drunk high school friends you really don’t give a shit about. Going to Rumorz is a little different, but only because you’re now talking to drunk acquaintances from class that you still really don’t give a shit about. 9.) Being Lazy: Like sloths being transported from one zoo to another, our school laziness barely stood a chance in the beds we grew up in, surrounded by comfort food. We still slept in until we couldn’t sleep anymore, wore pajamas all day, binge ate, and binge watched Orange is the New Black on Netflix, only in a different environment. 8.) Awkward Encounters: It’s a little harder to look a man in the eye after you’ve seen his son’s wiener, but whether you run into a past sexual partner at home or in Knox— either way, it’s always awkward. 7.) Hangover Food: Apparently after you and your siblings left the house, all your parents started eating was Lean Cuisine and soy burgers. At home you may have had only Taco Bell to satiate your hangover hunger, but that didn’t stop your college habits of eating-to-regret levels. 6.) Sexual Encounters: Going home with a rando for some much needed penetration didn’t change between campus and home, because either way you had to sneak into someone else’s house to do it. High stakes either way. 5.) Hiding Your Drunkenness: Your parents dragging you to church after an “oh I’m just meeting up with old friends!” bonfire seemed like a pretty unique circle of Hell. But is being a huge hot mess and praying you won’t throw up Fireball on the pew really much different than being a hot mess at a basketball game, praying you won’t throw up in the stands? 4.) Working Out: At home your mom just baked more brownies and at school your friends will just force you to chug Natty Lights. Either way trying to work out was fruitless, but only at the T-Rec are there too many people to witness your pathetic 20-minute mile on the treadmill. 3.) Handouts: All you want from people is free drinks or free money. You still suckered your parents out of money at home, only you were forced to make puppy dog eyes to match your whiney-outof-money voice. 2.) Ill-Advised Makeouts: When you shamelessly made out with someone from your high school you ended up on your graduating class’s Facebook group…but then again you’re used to this publicity since shamelessly making out with someone, anyone vaguely around or near campus leads to you ending up on @VolMakeout. 1.) Reading: “I finally have the time to read a book for fun!” You said before heading on vacation with 50 Shades of Grey burning a hole in your backpack. But then reading still took a backseat to that Friends marathon and a glass of wine. Same thing happens with your intentions to study… you find a nice window to do work, but then that kegger happens and some Sailor Jerry’s gets thrown in there somewhere. What accounting test?
Around campus Send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets What New Year’s Resolution best defines a college student? Caroline
“This year I’ll find a big girl job…and watch more Adventure Time.”
Sea n
“This year I will throw big enough parties to pay for the kegs.”
Emily
“This year I will spend as much time on my studies as I do watching Game of Thrones.”
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Monday 1/13
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Bumper Jacksons, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
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Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
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Jazz Night 7pm 12/11: Adrian Cottier 12/18: Nick Swofford, Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Wednesday 1/15
Sunday 1/12
Saturday 1/11
Friday 1/10
Thursday 1/9
SPECIAL NIGHT
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
Tuesday 1/14
BLACKSTOCK Make Every Night a Steak Night with Our New Steak Specials! Perfectly Paired with a REAL Margarita!
FRIDAY! Dylan LeBlanc, 10pm with Jonathan Warren
Live Music
The Captain Midnight Band, 10pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 pm
$2.50 Kids Meals
Taco Night! $1.75 Tacos Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Amy LaVere, 8pm Live Team Trivia at 8pm
SATURDAY! Juvenile! Back 2 School 2014 9pm, $15
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
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“Fuck You Friday” Happy Hour 2pm-7pm with $2 Drafts
Friday 1/10
$2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Domestic bottles and drafts, $4 Jack and Jim NFL Thursday Nights: $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
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Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
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$.50 off everything except $2 Beers
$3 Drafts
Monday 1/13
WELLIVERSARY!! 1/9 - 1/13 We’ll hit the 2 year mark with a big string of shows!
Sunday 1/12
FRIDAY! 8-9pm: Two for One Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour: 3 for 1 Wells, $3 Mind Erasers 10-12am: Bottomless Beer with Cover
Saturday 1/11
$4 Martini Mondays! $4 Martinis and cocktails made with Deep Eddy Vodka Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Thursday 1/9
TUESDAYs and Wednesdays: All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
SPECIAL NIGHT
35 Below! Coolest Dance Club Playing the Hottest Dance Music! Every Friday and Saturday, Doors at 9pm, DJ Rain Live
Large 2 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
$12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16OZ Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax
$4 Martini Mondays! $4 Martinis and cocktails made with Deep Eddy Vodka Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Welliversary Comedy $100 prize to the best comic! 8pm, FREE $2 Yuengling Lager and Yuengling Black and Tan 16oz cans
Wine Tasting Tuesdays! For $9.99 come take a tour through our hand-picked White or Red Wine selection Plus Wednesday is half priced btls. of wine!
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$2 Drafts
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Live Improv Show, 8pm, FREE In la kesh, Headface and the Congenitals, Blaine Band, Mitchel de la Garza, 10pm FREE
$2 Drafts all day
Tuesday 1/14
Wine Down with us! 1/2 off bottles of wine WED 865Dnb, Starting at 9pm, 18+
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
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Jason and the Punknencks with Cutthroat Shamrock Acoustic, 9pm, $5
“Wheats & Sweets” $.50 off wheat beers, ciders and malts
Wednesday 1/15
All Day! $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
The Black Sheep Interviews
Mary Lambert By: Brendan
As a college student, you heard “Same Love” somewhere
between 1,000,000 and 1,000,005 times in the past calendar year. The lady crooning on the track is none other than Mary Lambert. With Welcome to the Age of My Body, her first major-label release, available now, she talked with us about…uh…stuff. The Black Sheep: How would you describe yourself to someone who might not be familiar with you? Mary Lambert: I’d describe myself as someone who is a really vulnerable artist. I’m seeking human connection through art. I think my strengths are as a writer, I consider myself more a writer than anything. TBS: What is your creative process like? Mary: It’s entirely chaotic and random. I think what really happens is, if I allow myself to sit down at a piano or guitar, it’s just about that. As soon as I sit down the wheels start turning. It feels more divine than anything else. I try not to come up with any preconceptions of what I’m going to write, I let the song come to me. TBS: How is your new album, Welcome to the Age of My Body compared to previous works? Mary: I don’t know if it’s any different, maybe more aggressive. TBS: What do you mean by that? Mary: It’s more a reclamation than a soft, delicate album. This is
more a reclamation of myself. There’s a new attitude that I didn’t have before.
For me, it’s about wanting to start a dialogue and hoping that people get it. If I got abused, I have to find some good from it.
TBS: Your album just came out. How much of what you worked on for that made the album? How much ends up on the cutting room floor? Mary: My ego says all the songs are good, but it’s important to me that I’m listening to what the audience says, too. About two months ago I was on tour and I played a song I had written that day and the audience really responded to it. On the other hand, I just played a new song at another show, and I don’t think the audience felt it. I don’t think it was the right thing, you know?
TBS: What consideration do you give as to how you address rough subject matter? Mary: There’s a lot of thought as to executing it. You can border on being exploitative to yourself about your experiences. It’s important that you don’t wallow in your own shit. Recognize this stuff happened, but think about how you can change the effect of it.
TBS: You talk about being a vulnerable artist, how does a more aggressive album play into that? Mary: I think it’s more aggressive in the sense that I’m trying to reclaim space as someone who was previously insecure or hurting. There’s a toughness to it, but I think there’s also vulnerability when you can also stand your ground. Vulnerable doesn’t mean you can be walked over. TBS: How do you write about subject matter that may be otherwise difficult to address? Mary: I don’t know how to not. I don’t know how to be protected. I don’ tknow how to censor myself. I think there’s a difference between writing about these things—rape and very vulnerable things about my body. People thinking, “How does she do that?”
TBS: Do you ever get negative feedback about this stuff? Mary: Now, with a major label release, I’ve been getting criticism and learning about it. Before, I felt I had been pretty lucky with a base that gets me. A journalist said I was “wallowing in [my] own despair” and that I “croon in [my] songs about wanting to kill [myself ]” and I thought, “I don’t feel like that at all!” My music isn’t something to put on at a party, but it’s a moment of vulnerability that helps people relate and have a dialogue about. TBS: Do you consider criticism—both positive and negative—when you get it? Mary: It’s a hard thing to balance because you want to be pleasing your audience, express yourself musically, and you don’t want to just be creating something just a critic will like. It’s a matter of being self-aware of what you’re creating while making something that’s accessible.
JANUARY: By: Brendan
Film’s Winter Wasteland
Sure, it may be cold outside, but your local theater is heating up with new releases abound. Hah, no, sorry. January is a wasteland in the movie world—the garbage pile where studios dump trash so they can get ‘em in DVD bargain bins by spring break. We highlight four of these disasters for your viewing pleasure.
The Legend of Hercules
Ride Along
Release Date: January 10th
Release Date: January 17th
Why Kellan Lutz is Starring In This: Ok, let’s be realistic people, this is exactly the kind of movie Kellan Lutz stars in.
Why Kevin Hart and Ice Cube are Starring In This: Because both these guys are in fucking everything.
Elevator Pitch: “Dude, bros are a pretty huge thing right now, and I don’t think there was a greater bro in Greek mythology than that Hercules bro. His dad was, like, the CEO of Mount Olympus, and he got to go on all these rad adventures and bang a bunch of chicks.”
Elevator Pitch: “Listen, Ice Cube really wants to be the badass in an action movie, but the only person in Hollywood shorter than him is Kevin Hart. Is he available for—what, he’ll do it for a cheeseburger and a 1992 Volvo 240? Let’s greenlight this bastard!”
What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: The scene in which Hercules gets super-drunk, jacks off his Greek buddy in their room one night, considers suicide, then sends some scrolls out to court some skanks to reassert his heterosexuality, setting precedent for Greek bros for years to come.
What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: After Hart lets the bad guys get away again, he screams in desperation as Ice Cube mean-mugs towards him. Also, scenes exactly like this occur 20 other times in the movie.
I, Frankenstein
That Awkward Moment
Release Date: January 24th
Release Date: January 31st
Why Aaron Eckhart is Starring In This: Because a strong jaw, piercing blue eyes and a WASP-y demeanor are just what Mary Shelly envisioned. Elevator Pitch: “Hi Mr. Towson, it’s Aaron Eckhart’s agent. Yeah, long story short, he fucked my wife, and now he must pay. You guys go anything in the works?” What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: A montage in which Dr. Frankenstein operates on his monster, removing his desire to be in quality movies and any semblance of self-respect, only to replace them with poor makeup and ridiculous stitch marks.
Why Zac Efron is Starring In This: We’re not saying it’s definitely because of his now-kicked coke habit, but we will say it’s probably because of his now-kicked coke habit. Elevator Pitch: “Well, other movies based on sassy girl catchphrases like, Talk to the Hand, Don’t Go There Girlfriend, and They Be Rapin’ Everybody Out Here were huge hits, nothing can go wrong!” What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: After Efron’s Jason leaves a girl’s apartment, refusing sex on the first date, the three guys have an ethical discussion on the importance of patience in a relationship, and why it’s important to discover a woman’s true inner beauty over her outward appearance.
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship Major: Global Studies Favorite Drink: Whiskey Favorite Shot: Rumple Minze Disgusting Drink: Smoker’s Cough – Jaeger and mayo 2014 will be the year of…?: Better decisions. What song lyric best captures you?: “Take it easy,” by the Eagles.
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Drinking Game Space Jam Drinking Game Everybody get up, it’s time to slam (down some beers) now, we got a real jam (going down our throats, because in this situation jam is beer and you will drink some while watching this movie). What You’ll Need: A DVD (or VHS!) of this epic film and a few brews. Number of Players: However many people it takes to get Bill Murray to make a cameo. Level of Intoxication: You’re going to take this thing into overtime. How to Play: -Drink one when every non-Michael Jordan NBA player makes a cameo. -Drink one any time Wayne Knight (Newman) makes an appearance on screen. -Drink one each time a new Looney Toon makes an appearance. -Drink one when “retired” is uttered. -Drink two when any character breaks the fourth wall. -Drink two when any of Michael Jordan’s endorsements are mentioned in the movie. -Drink two anytime someone does something on the basketball court that is decidedly out of the realm of possibility. -Drink three the first instance of a pun or alliteration (Ex: Monstars or Moron Mountain) is used. - Drink three when characters drink MJ’s secret stuff. The Game Ends When: Those evil Monstars leave the court in shame.
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What’s your least favorite word?: Selfie, because it’s a stupid word for a stupid action.
If you had to lose a limb, which one would it be?: Left arm, because the right arm does all the magic. Who’s the fastest draw in the west?: Butch Cassidy. What’s the next big paradigm shift in pornography?: That people value physical relationships rather than electronic ones. Yo, where da Radisson at?: South. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because the writers are honest, unfiltered, and culturally relevant.
Recipe for disaster Back-To-It Bacon Pancakes Now that mommy dearest isn’t around to make you breakfast, lunch, and dinner you’re free to spiral downward into a pit of gluttony that only a college student could dream of. Because of that: bacon pancakes. What You’ll Need: Six strips of bacon, premade pancake batter, salt and pepper. Cook Time: 12 minutes, or so. What are we, a Citizen Eco-Drive watch, Eli Manning? Fatty Factor: There’s a whole pornographic subculture for people like you. Let’s Get Baked: -Season bacon with salt and pepper. -On a large griddle or skillet, cook the strips of bacon until they are well-done. -Remove the bacon from the cooking device and discard most of the fat, leaving a thin film. -Put the bacon back onto the device, carefully spoon pancake batter over each strip of bacon. -Cook until one side of the pancake batter is golden-brown. -Flip the pancake, cook the other side to golden-brown as well. -Serve (only to yourself ) and enjoy. After sucking down a few platefuls of these, you’ll be ready to get back to your poor eating habits full-swing. We can do this! We can solve the skinny people epidemic in no time, guys!
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Junior Stays in Town for Winter Break, Survives By: TBS Staff Unable to stomach the prospect of returning home, Jonathon Torrance, a UTK junior, decided to remain in Knoxville for the entirety of Winter Break. However, after a brief honeymoon in which the empty streets and roaming tumbleweeds seemed quaint and adorable, desperation set in. “At first it was fun,” said Torrance. “I could take baths in the Fountain City Park, break into everyone’s empty houses, and ride elevators to the second floor without shame, but you can only run the perimeter naked so many times before the novelty wears off.” Those closest to Torrance expressed doubts about his plan to spend nearly a month on campus from the onset. “I told him not to do it,” said roommate Thomas Garrich. “He knew campus would be empty; and without all the other students around, there’s really not much to do in Knoxville.” When asked if he thought spending the break alone would be good for his sanity, Torrance responded that it was “exactly what [he] was looking for” and that “a month of solitude is “just what [he] need[ed].” “I don’t know why he thought he needed seclusion,” said a bemused Garrich. “That kid can hardly get through a shower without getting lonely.” Despite his confidence, within a week devoid of human contact, Torrance began to display some strange habits. Numerous reports state that Torrance was repeatedly seen in Lindsey Nelson stadium screaming for someone to “pass him the ball,” despite the fact that there was no one else around, as well as no ball. The only comfort Torrance had throughout the endeavor was the companionship of Rosie, whom he met on Christmas Day as he climbed through her chimney, thinking he was Santa Claus. Rosie and Torrance soon fell deeply in love and consummated their love that very night, which was painful because Rosie was a plastic Christmas ornament. After the decidedly subpar sex with Rosie, the couple decided to break up “mutually” as Torrance put it. This left Torrance in an extremely vulnerable state that was made worse by the series of concussions he obtained trying to jump from roof to roof delivering imaginary presents on Christmas. On January 4th, Torrance finally succumbed to the combination of cabin fever and massive head trauma. Unaware of the actual date, Torrance
thought it was New Year’s Eve and acted upon a desire to give Knoxville “a real New Year’s experience.” Climbing atop Neyland Stadium covered in Christmas lights so as to imitate the ball dropping, Torrance jumped to what should have been his imminent death. Luckily, the Christmas lights ran out of cord and stopped him just feet short of the pavement. The next day, as students began to pour back into Tennessee for the new semester, Torrance was found by the police, who arrived late to the scene. After a few weeks in the hospital and a few more weeks in an insane asylum, Torrance has gotten over the breakup with Rosie and is happy again. Though the brain damage has made it so that he will not be able to attend Tennessee any longer, he has been accepted on scholarship to the University of Memphis, where his macaroni art puts him near the head of his class.
y r e v E ic riday! s u M Live ay and F d s r u h T
Join us every Tuesday for agave azul’s ladies night Drinks from $3.85 to $4.50 • Tequila Tasting with Reservation
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nic cage film bonanza Do you know what movies all of these Nic Cage characters are from? Email us at bonanza@theblacksheeponline.com. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a prize!
Film bank
1) Ghost Rider 2) Wicker Man 3) Face off 4) Raising Arizona 5) Con Air
6) Drive Angry 7) Kick Ass 8) The Weather Man 9) National Treasure
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COME UNWIND WITH FRIENDS! We invite you to enjoy great food, craft beer, pool tables and live, local music at Barley’s.
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THE HISTORIC OLD CITY 200 E. Jackson Ave. Knoxville, TN 37915 www.barleysknoxville.com • 865-521-0092