The Black Sheep UT SPRING 2015: A GUIDE
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Volume 6
Issue 1
Cory Chitwood wrote this Football season’s over, the temperature is down, and you’re probably trying to salvage your grades after a destructive fall filled with partying at Neyland. So what’s a Vol to do during the spring semester? The Black Sheep is here to give you the run down. January: January could bear witness to some snow that could get Ole Man Cheek to call off school for a day or two. This would mean two things: A massive snowball fight in Pres Court that will end with UT Police cars covered with snowballs, and people getting very drunk while sledding down the Hill. Partake in both or you’re a loser. Also occurring in January, the UT Learning Center on Lake Ave. will be holding a kindergarten open house. Because nothing makes more sense than hosting 5-year-olds on the same street where everyone throws down their open containers before going to The Strip. February: By this time of the year, you’ve already given up on your New Year’s Resolution, you’re seasonally depressed because of Knoxville’s winter weather, and your motivation for class is plummeting. So what’s a Vol to occupy his/her time with? Apparently, not much. The coolest UT events in February are UT Gardens’ seminars on how to grow certain kinds of plants. Seriously. Don’t get too excited, stoners – not that kind of plant. February will be bland and therefore a month of functioning alcoholism. Luckily, it’s only 28 days – so don’t be a bitch about it. March: March will be incredibly frustrating. One day it’ll be a beautiful spring day fit for shorts and sorority girls lampshading. The next day, it will be arctic weather that will make you wanna set yourself on fire. By this time of the year, Tennessee basketball will either be making you proud, or deeply depressed. Should the latter happen, just look at Coach Tyndall’s wife for a pick-me-up. Spring break starts the 13th, which means most of the UT populace will be destroying a catastrophic amount of brain cells in the ever-so-classy Panama City and that your Facebook feed will be filled with girls taking pictures of their backsides on the beach “throwing what they know” with their sorority sisters.
PAGE 5 WHICH TRECS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONARY ARE YOU? GOOD LUCK WITH THE LIFESTYLE CHANGE, BUB.
April: If you’ve made it to April, you’re on the homestretch (or just another month closer to being a college dropout). Classes end the 24th, so make sure to get all those last-minute desperation emails to your professors on the 23rd. This is also the time of year that Adderall dealers start spiking their prices. Supply and demand, chumps. Thankfully, UT offers a study day as a buffer between classes and finals on the 27th. Which means you get an extra night to party on the 26th. But don’t even try to land a spot in Hodges;
PAGE 6
it becomes the biggest unincorporated city in the state of Tennessee during finals week. May: Final exams end the 5th, and by the time it’s all over you’re going to feel like a zombie and your number of shits to give will be at an astounding zero. Freshmen will go home to adjust back to life with their parents, others will stay in Knoxville to take summer classes they failed in the spring, and seniors will graduate on the 9th then enter the real world after 4 years of drunkenness at a party school. Whichever category you fall into, The Black Sheep will be your guide when you get back.
PAGES 10-11
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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY
WORD OF THE WEEK
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UH-OH
How To Come Dangerously Close To Failing Your Gen-Eds Cody Marek wrote this
In a time of rising student debt, skyrocketing textbook prices, and declining student attention spans, a strange phenomenon exists: general education courses. As an undercover super-secret reporters and general education students, we have experienced this spectacle enough that we are prepared to write sarcastically about it. We are here now to share our knowledge on how to survive the feelings of apathy and meaninglessness. This is our guide to surviving general education classes. Now, the first day is going to present some of the most confusing experiences of your existence in the course. We’ve all seen it a million times before, the befuddled looks, the whispers of freshmen trying to figure out if they’re in the right classroom, the smell of last night’s Natty Ices seeping through the a frat guy’s pores. Through all of this you must make your first and possibly most crucial decision, where to sit. You’re going to want to find a seat out of the professor’s direct line of sight that will allow you to avoid any unwanted eye contact. If you don’t arrive in time to pick your seat, all of the aisle seats and back rows will fill first, leaving you to shuffle awkwardly past everyone in order to sit in the least comfortable spot. Don’t make this rookie mistake, it’s because of carefree errors like this that we lost so many good men back in History 346: Experiencing & Referencing
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the Vietnam War. The worst part of class is after you’ve picked your seat and before the professor comes in to start his lecture. The key here is to stay silent, get on your computer, and browse the most typical websites you can. Browse Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter because someone is bound to be looking over your shoulder. We all know you want to go on monkeysthrowingpoop.com but some would construe that as “weird” and the person over your shoulder might get the wrong idea. Then, as soon as you find something you safe to look at on the internet, the professor will walk in. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for since you selected your class several months ago. You’ll definitely have forgotten what this class is about since you only read one review on RateMyProfessor. com four months ago and picked the class on impulse because it had the word Siberia in it and you kinda like snow. Since the topic has no relevance to you or your major, the class will make you learn nothing, but explain how you learned nothing in a series of 5-page papers due when you least expect them over the next four months. The only way to survive these is to write your paper in one of two key time periods: the hours directly before the class, or hung-over on a Sunday when you’ve forgotten to do
all your work, and have a sudden reminder that you do actually attend classes here. Once you’ve mastered papers, all you have to do is pass the exams. The exams will be all memorization of useless facts and theories and if you could remember that one girl’s name after 9 shots of Burnett’s, you could totally remember the capital of Kazakhstan. In the end, the most important thing to remember
about general education courses is that you need to pass them. When there are desperate times (and there will be), you must use drastic measures to pass this class. Remember: you don’t have to learn the material, but sending your first and only email to your professor begging for extra credit just won’t work and you’re better than that. When the going gets tough, the tough remember that they paid for the class, and dammit they don’t want to pay for it a second time around.
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Resolutionary are You? Black Sheep Staff wrote this
The New Age Schwarzeneggers: January is the month that normal sculpted people plan to transform their bodies into those of Greek Gods. This group is typically the “new year, new me” type people, but they expect results much quicker. Sorry, pal, but you will not look like the Gym Shark by Day 10, the man with the large tree tattooed on his back (or simply known as TreeBack) by Day 20, or the great Arnold himself by January 31st. Girls, while running a few miles per week will certainly make you healthier, you will not exceed your high school cross-country physical condition in a month. Even if you stick to a well-developed routine, you may have a hard time following it when you notice that TRECS in January is like the Neyland’s parking lot on Saturday home games in October. The Determined Spring Breakers: Good news: spring break is only two months away! Bad news: the concentration of TRECS will triple as a result of this. Panama City Beach may only be a sevenhour drive away, but looking like a model will take much more than seven hours of work. Staying at a beach house with ten fraternity brothers will be pretty cool, but walking into TRECS with those ten guys is not cool at all. From overcrowding the benches to waiting in lines for the treadmill (why
don’t you just run up The Hill?!), those trying to get that picture-perfect body will be a new species found in TRECS for the first half of this semester… or for the first two weeks of the semester. If you want to be as strong as Butch Jones or have the body of one of the girls on our volleyball team by March, you might be just a little late. Save yourself the effort and continue to procrastinate schoolwork by watching Netflix.
PAGE 5 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Which TRECS New Year’s
January is the month of a brand new year, a brand new semester, and thus, of course, the plentiful New Year’s Resolutions. Perhaps the most apparent resolutions in Knoxville take place at our beloved TRECS. No one should ever be embarrassed to start adding TRECS to the daily grind. However, the TRECS newcomers can be categorized into three main groups: New Age Schwarzeneggers, Determined Spring Breakers, and Lifestyle Change Seekers. Which are you?
The Lifestyle Change Seekers: There are, in fact, a few rare realists who understand that they cannot become jacked in a few weeks or become chiseled in time for spring break. This group of TRECS attendees wants change in their life and have decided exercise is the way to go. The students here span from a freshman still trying to find his/her clique to a senior who has decided that killing a six pack of beer every weekday afternoon is not the way to obtain six pack abs. Remember the guy on the high school basketball team who would’ve won the league championship if it weren’t for the stupid referees? When there’s finally room for him on the court, he’ll be out there like Braxton Bonds, minus the boisterous shot-blocking plays and thunderous put-back dunks. Then there’s the girl sweating Franzia from the night before on the treadmill. TRECS is one of UTK’s most useful facilities, but starting during the New Year is awfully tough for this group. January is the national month of declaring reasons to get back into the weight and cardio rooms, leading to different breeds of gym-goers in all workout facilities. Undoubtedly, the New Year Resolution-aries will be in full swing, and we wish them the best of luck. We’ll see you back on the couch when you’re finished.
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THE TOP TEN Campus Life Lessons At the beginning of a fresh semester looks of joy, awe, and wonderment fill the faces of UT’s newest students. Four months later these same students can be found dragging their pale and withered bodies through Presidential Courtyard in search of the precious slumber denied to them by final exams and 5-hour Energy® shots. To help ease the trauma of crushed expectations for this semester’s crop of students, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of “realities” that might demoralize and dismay young Vols. 10.) It ain’t easy being a VFL: With our latest victory over Iowa in the Taxslayer Bowl, Butch Jones gave fans their first post-season victory since the Philip Fulmer era. Like our players and coaches, UT fans will never give up on our school, but neither will anyone riot or poison some 100 year-old oak trees if we lose a couple games. Remember Butch’s motto, “brick by brick,” and throw the bricks at Lane Kiffin if you want.
3 New Student Organizations Standing Up to Oppression Phillip Redmon wrote this
Recently, new campus organizations have begun advocating against the long-established roles of UT facilities. Their common goal is a redefinition of what our campus society deems appropriate behavior in our shared campus spaces. Susan Kowalski, a former president of UT’s Greek Council, founded the Alliance of Library Reformists, a group dedicated to providing alternative views of how libraries can best serve a student community. According to Kowalski, “There is a revolution happening in our nation’s universities. The younger generation has begun fighting back against the oppressive role of the library in traditional society. Like our students, I welcome this transition towards a more entertaining and socially beneficial library. The age of using libraries for work and research are at an end.” Kowalski’s group offers weekly seminars to any students interested in the social benefits offered by Hodges Library.
computers are for academic work. We are fighting that totalitarian dogma tooth and nail to ensure that students are free to use library computers to surf Reddit, watch YouTube videos, or bittorrent massive collections of tentacle porn.” This studentled organization has attracted many members who can be seen browsing Facebook as other students wait to use the printers for their class on the Hill that starts in ten minutes. We asked the OIT helpdesk what steps are being taken to address this issue. OIT stated that their official position on the matter is (and always will be), “We are just here to make sure the printers don’t run out of paper.”
Sophomore Allie Barnheart, a self-proclaimed “Hodglette”, is also on board with the group’s message, “I can’t even tell you how much a seminar like this would have helped me as a freshman. I wasted so much time at bars and frat parties looking for Mr. Right and I only just realized that all the good guys were popping Adderall and working on their statistics projects at Hodges.”
This ideological shift is gaining momentum outside the library as well. Many students seem fed up with the idea that hallways are only for traveling between classes. Created in spring 2014, Undergraduates for the Unconventional use of Campus Hallways made their presence known by staging several protests in HSS during peak student travel times. Members lined both sides of the building’s hallways with their legs fully extended. The most courageous members went so far as to lay completely prone on benches meant to seat several students at once. The Black Sheep obtained an exclusive interview (conducted directly in front of a classroom door at 12:25 on a Tuesday) from the groups’ Vice President Douglas Martin. Martin believes that the determination and conviction displayed by his fellow protestors are key in bringing about their desired change. “You can step on our legs, give us dirty looks, and even mutter obscenities under your breath. The fact is we have a right to use these hallways for our personal leisure and no one can convince us otherwise.”
Kowalski’s group is not alone in challenging the roles assigned to university property. A member of Students for the Repurposing of University Computers spoke to us under the condition of anonymity: “The establishment tells us that these
Are student organizations like these evidence of a growing underground countercultural movement hoping to redefine our pre-conceived notions of right and wrong? The Black Sheep says, “Yes, yes they are.”
Freshman Malik Rhodes expressed his excitement about Kowalski’s movement, “Coming to college, I never thought the library would be such a great place to just hang out. Screw The Strip, if you’re looking for cute girls just go to Hodges the night before a nursing exam.”
9.) One does not simply walk into Hodges Library and print something out before class: To do so is a game of academic Russian roulette. The time it takes to simply sign in and get to the desktop is entirely random and takes anywhere from one minute to never. Plan accordingly. 8.) Nice guys finish last when it comes to campus parking: Finding a commuter spot to park at noon on a Tuesday makes the Vietnam War look like a water balloon fight. 7.) Peer review papers: About as useful as a hedgehog in a condom factory. You know that you’ve written a quality paper when a classmate with the same level of education covers your paper in comments like “nice” and “very interesting.” 6.) Pace yourself on gameday: Gamedays at Neyland are a marathon, not a sprint. Remember this when you wake up at 2:00 p.m. covered in piss and vomit in the North Carrick Stairwell and clutching an underage drinking citation in your hand. 5.) Group projects are hell: Your schedules will never allow you to meet all at once. At least one member will disappear and email everyone the day of the project asking, “What do I need to do?” while failing to convince anyone that the flu rendered him unable to email or text anyone for two weeks. 4.) People will steal your shit: Schoolbooks, $350. Laptop, $1,200. The confusion on someone’s face as she tries to comprehend why anyone would steal the backpack she left at an empty table in Starbucks for half an hour—Priceless. 3.) Even bigots go to college: Remember the guy flying a confederate flag off the back of his pickup and doing donuts in your high school parking lot while screaming that the South will rise again? He dribbled dip spit on his ACT exam and was offered the HOPE scholarship. 2.) Don’t wait until the last minute to sign up for classes: Sure, you’ll probably find all the classes you need or want to take. But they will take place at 8a.m., have a mandatory attendance policy, and your professor will have assigned a 10-page paper through blackboard which is due the first day of class. You won’t know about it and the rest of your semester will be spent struggling to get a C+. Way to go. 1.) Stop procrastinating: But more realistically, obtain a prescription for Adderall by lying your ass off to your doctor about how you think you have severe ADD. Fake it ‘til you make it. Phillip Redmon wrote this
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ON THE STREETS What was your New Year’s resolution, and when will you break it?
WILL
“I wanna work out more to get that spring break bod. I’ll break it right after spring break.”
TUCKER
“I’ll make better grades because I’m gonna put in the man power.”
TYLER
“To learn to play guitar, like everyone else has said once, except I’m not breaking it.”
07
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Who it’s For: Freshly-resolved drunks and those who lack the basic human skill of recognizing other humans based on their, you know, face. It’s called prosopagnosia, look it up. What it Does: Organizes people in your phone based on how and when you met. So when you’re trying to track down those lazy shitheads in your group project you could search “English 301 group project” and those lazy shitheads would pop up. You’ll Learn to Hate it When…: You search “Yacht Club” and 30 names pop up, leaving you nowhere near remembering who that sultry brunette was who bought you a Fireball shot -- but you sure as hell have met a lot of people you don’t remember there! Might as well stick with ol’ reliable “Name_Bar” in your phonebook and save the $0 this app costs for something else.
Who it’s For: Those of you who were “too cool” to take notes last semester and received bad ass Cs and Ds on your finals. You’re going to need a new approach, and since taking hand-written notes on an iPad is the opposite of cool, give this a shot. What it Does: Takes your (digitally) hand-written notes and makes them all pretty-like, turning your serial killer-esque chicken scratch into legible font and all those graphs you draw into perfect, re-sizeable shapes. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: Come test-time, all those mindless doodles and dicks you drew look just as official as the actual notes. Is that a sketch of the Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima statue or four penises laying on top of each other? Let’s not forget that everyone will hate you for writing notes by hand on an iPad, and hopefully that hate will turn into self-hatred.
Who it’s For: To-be-graduating seniors who, for whatever reason, have yet to find post-graduation employment. Whether it’s because you’re finally snagging that bomb degree in unified philosophy or simply because you’re a lazy piece of human garbage who hasn’t started looking yet, you’ll need all the help you can get. What it Does: Aggregates job postings from major websites and company postings. Also, shows jobs based on geography. Work smarter, not harder, you know? Hey, use that in the job interview! You’ll Learn to Hate it When: You slowly come to realize Indeed is little more than an efficient way for you to pile up the rejection letters. Hey, how much more in student loans would you need to pursue another bachelor’s degree?
Who it’s For: You, the modern-day lothario-on-the-go. This year you’ve resolved to have what kids call “the sex.” For, it is women that you will have, yes, many of them. 2015 is going to be the year you get laid many a time. What it Does: Well, “CATE” is an acronym for “Call And Text Eraser,” so, it does that. Which, you know, if you meet a lucky lady at a party on Thursday, and then another lucky lady at a party on that Friday, then ANOTHER lucky lady getting coffee on Saturday morning, you can consider your player-ass self lucky that they’ll never have to know about each other, until... You’ll Learn to Hate it When: ...One of your “many” sexual conquests also happens to have CATE. She’ll know what it does—she’s not an idiot, she’s playing the same game you’re playing-- and she’ll be more than happy to track down the other four women you’ve been trying to sleep with and let them know about your hijinx. Hey, porn is free, and you never have to ask it for forgiveness.
Who it’s For: 2014 was pretty good to you, mate, and in turn you want to do some good for the world. Well, then maybe get like Haley Joel Osment and pay that bitch forward. What it Does: The app hits you up with suggestions about good deeds you can do locally. For example, you might get one that says, “Leave a copy of a really great book you read at a cafe for someone else to enjoy.” Hah, yeah, like people enjoy reading. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: Suddenly you go to the ATM to snag a crisp $20 and you realize, then, in that moment, that suddenly you’re the one in need of a good deed because doing nice thing here and kind act there adds up, and now you’re destitute, cold, alone and charitable, which is no way to live your life.
Who It’s For: FATTIES LIKE YOU. What it Does: Ideal Weight lets you enter your data—height, weight, and the ilk—and in turn, it’ll give you your ideal BMI. Whether you’re underweight (yeah, right) overweight (ding, ding, ding!) or just right (no one loves you), you’ll know that, yes, in 2015 you’re going to kick some gym ass and take some gym names, like Jim. You’ll Learn to Hate It: Because what business, by god, does a stupid $5 app have telling you, a goddamn citizen of the United States of America, what you can and can’t shove in your motherlovin’ food-hole when you want to shove whatever it is you want in your goddamn American food-hole? Benjamin Franklin didn’t ward off the British in Denver all by himself to have a stupid robot tell you how to live your life. PIZZA AND REVOLUTION.
Who it’s For: Smokers, jokers, and midnight tokers. What it Does: It helps you quit smoking. Pretty straightforward. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: All the “stats”— meant to show you how long you’ve gone, how much money you’ve saved, etcetera—only remind you how much you miss smoking. It’s been 12 days, 5 hours and 32 seconds since you stood in the chilly New Year’s Eve air, just before midnight looking out from your friend’s balcony, chatting, and filling your lungs with that sweet, burning grey smoke. You’ll never have that social escape again. Oh you’ve saved $30? Think of all the cigs you could buy with $30… think of all the conversations and inside jokes that money has cost you… is it really worth it?
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken • Major: Neuroscience Favorite Drink: Corona • Favorite Shot: Pink Floyd Disgusting Drink: Tequila What’s the best back-to-school winter drink?: Angry Balls How is Angry Balls made?: Angry Orchard with a shot of Fireball What song are you most excited to hear 1,000 times the first month of this semester?: “Jukebox Hero” by Foreigner 2014 will be remembered as the year of…: Butch Jones
ZACK of ANNEX
2015 will be remembered as the year of…: I really have no idea. Hopefully the year I graduate.
Jeff Goldblum comes into Annex and ask you to buy him a drink. What happens next?: We go see Jurassic Park in 3D. Is 2015 the year the world ends?: Probably not, because the Mayans were wrong. Five quick words on what Dianne posted to Karen’s Facebook Wall: They should get off Facebook. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s honest.
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
RESOLUTIONS SCHMESOLUTIONS
MOCK APPLE PIE
Now that you’re back on the academic grind, you can drink beer with your at-school friends and associates, rather than the high school friends you still pretend to like. So, why not start off the new year by seeing how others are starting off their new year?
Back at school and already miss mom’s home-cookin’? Well, you’re no culinary wizard, so what is a boy to do? Fake it ‘til ya make it, son. Let’s do a fake apple pie.
What You’ll Need: Fortitude beyond your years, social acumen, beer. Number of Players: This is one of those games you play with yourself. Yes, yes, like masturbation. Very clever. Level of Intoxication: Well, how creative is your social circle? How to Play: -Attend a party or head to a bar. You’re going to need to be in a crowded room of people. -Approach someone at the event and ask them, simply, “What’s your New Year’s resolution?” -Take a big ole’ gulp for every generic resolution that heads your way. Think “better shape” or “to attend class regularly.” -Two drinks for any resolution you hear that is less about self-improvement and more about getting more out of innocent bystanders, like “I’m going to get laid by at least six different people,” or “I’m going to win a karaoke competition.” -Demand the person you asked take a drink with you if they have an oddly specific resolution. “I promised myself I’ll stop drunk texting Karen this year,” for example. -Take two big swigs if the person fessed up to already breaking his or her resolution. -If the person is one of those, “I don’t make resolutions” pragmatists, pragmatically make him or her help you finish your drink. The Game Ends When: You resolve to be less annoying to strangers who don’t want to play your dumb game.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
What You’ll Need: A box of Ritz crackers, a pre-made pie crust, butter, sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, water. Fatty Factor: It’s pie, so, like…pie-level fattiness. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 425 degrees. -In a saucepan over medium-high heat, combine 2 cups water and 1 cup white sugar. Bring to a boil. -Drop 30 whole Ritz into the boiling morass and let boil for 5 minutes. Pour the mixture into the pie shell and sprinkle it with ½ teaspoon of cinnamon. -Mix together 1 cup crushed Ritz crackers, ½ cup brown sugar, ½ teaspoon cinnamon, and 1/3 cup butter. Sprinkle this over the pie. -Bake pie for 15 minutes at 425. Reduce heat to 375 degrees and bake for 20 more minutes. -Remove and let cool for 1 hour before serving (the whole thing to yourself.) Sure, it’s not perfect, but it’s pretty good…just like you! Plus, who needs delicious, nutritious apples when you can get boxed, preformed crackers for the same price? They’ll last forever, not like those stupid apples.
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WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY BE DOING DURING FINALS WEEK DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP
RECREATING YOUR SEMESTER: A BULLSHIT ARTIST’S TALE
TBS STaFF WroTe THIS
April is almost over, which means the end of spring semester is nigh. is the perfect time to catch up on all those amazing shows they keep But, before that glorious day, students must get past one last hurtalking about like breaking bad, mad men and game of thrones. Or, dle: final exams. Now why in the world would anyone want to read you could just choose to catch up with the Kardashians. Should you an article about finals? Well, this isn’t really an article about finals at choose to go this route, we’ll send you a noose free of charge, you all; in fact, it’s very much about avoiding anything to do with finals at know what to do. all costs. Seems right up your alley. Evan Myers wrote this Or, if you’re looking far enough ahead (remember, past finals) you Since you’re not going to be productive – again, you’re not studycould coax yourself into the gym to work on your summer bod. Not Christmas, or as godless heathens call it, to Rocky Studman, professional bullshit your thing? What if your friends know you ing for finals-- you have to find a way to pass the time. Hell, you’ve everyone had the opportunity to go somewhere super-awesome for Winter Break, is here. your semester artist, onuphow convince themany sexually inept who human that procrastinated your You way promised through every untiltonow and them springthat break,for and of those lost outyou onare? the opportunity will high school friends this semester was your semester fullwant of sexy drug-filled fear,following Mr. Studman even more you’ve done just fithat ne…kind of. Remember, your parentswas don’t go on a nice Never vacation finals.has Since our society tells us that going to filled with sex, drugs, and hazy memories. bullshit to sell. you to succumb to peer pressure, and just because everyone is doit’s just not right for you to go to the beach without a proper set of memories with new sounded ing it, (studying) thatfriends. doesn’tItmean you have to do it too. abs or flat stomach bared proudly, head to the gym and do some like you were moving to Whore Island, but “Sex is easy to lie about. Once you realize everyonesex, in the cardio, work “Drug on abs,abuse checkimpresses out the opposite and swim… and by that was about as realistic as UTK winning that everyone does it, you can change world“tan except employers Classes are over, which means you need to get your ass to a party, “swim” we mean by the pool.“ and your mom.” the National Championship. Instead of fiyourself awkward virgin to Sex God This isn’t entirely true, the author’s own pronto. You’ve made it a whole semester lled withfrom studying, stupid makingprojects sweet love like thegalore, manwhore Thetime Universe in ayourself matter of minutes. helium “Man, is basically group and essays and nowofit’s to treat And if ”you’readdiction thinking totoyourself, I reallywhat need to start studyyou wanted be,ofyour semester’s Friday and denying you still have landedyou me forgotten this job at The with a partytofull beer, music, dancing ing,” stop. Have youBlack alsoSheep. need to catch up with too, then your friends will feel ugly. Build in a paper bag inside The Black Sheep nights consisted of whacking off to how Asianawesome What kind of lies does Mr. Studman haveHow many times did you blow off your friends responsibilities. And think about everything is going friends? because confidence by destroying theirs.” newspaper stand in the University Center little becauseand theFort full sized ones sleeve? “Helium? Pussy. Why would youthan evenzero? to be:people Volapalooza Sanders Fest up willhis bebullshitter’s this weekend, and you had to do schoolwork instead? Is it more This is your near the ATMs. just don’t cutthink it anymore. Did you admit that? your and stupid even if you Volapalooza willparty be lame, what with Tyga’s “Rack chance to reconnect withJust yourtell friends gofriends on some awesome imWhatofhappens hometown friends hard and dotodrugs? Hell no. The “Tellon everyone you had threesome withadventures. you did your baththrough salts. They’ll City” failing dump those tens andone twenties your titties, thinka of promptu Gofinals on a on safari the not shady side Knox- if your Whatever you do, it’s more important than studying. Especially if it to talk to these phony people? and Many students at UTK bullshitted their time you a that bongyou youcould ancrash. Eskimo. If you really want to impress be impressed, gain mad respect all thesomeone amazinghanded after parties Between classes ville, or have only a “who can take they’ll the longest nap” contestwant in Hodges. starts withhot “chicken” ends with “carbonara” and finalsthat all signs point to partying. Either way, it’ll whimsical to a faraway“Say landthey’re wherein Prague or some shit and classes pretty hard this fall semester, so it’s dropped shit on the floor like it was them, tell them you had it on top of a pile for be you.aTrust me,” Mr.adventure Studman explained. finals don’t exist and there’s nary a care in the world, besides gangwhich have no WiFi, wouldthese worklife withexperiences your easycan to see whyyou these would come so an unwanted stepchild. As for friends, you of baby seal pelts. Your friends will believe Listen, teach asskills much -- nary, more!— If you aren’t partier there are forlong youastoyou do say as well, so ” violence and Doing night terrors. is aany terrible place,” Mr.setting naturally made none. aYour personality is plenty like thethings it as it loudly. your finals on a zombie drug might rants on why Europe than classroom can. in If this youcourse. and Leslie hadn’t gotten you skip straight to studying “With confidence, you Hitlerdon’t of personalities. Always shittingjust on because you don’t think we seem unrealistic, or as some may describe Studman explained. shitfaced and made out at that party, how would you have learned can talk you into doing something that’s both and alcohol-free; Or pamper taking timeroute to eat because Didn’t thatthat twelve-hour teach can do anything.” about sexism in modern America? “There’s no reason the skills nap you’ve Europe. Whilefun The Black Sheep recognizes not yourself it, “stupid,by ” but it isn’tthe the only onegood can food, we made a deal, no studying, dammit. Forall instance, you could poor body been to living on Taco Bell and Cook-Out every you a lot about your circadian rhythm? what about taught yourselfOr shouldn’t carry the overcooking, back threesomes have catch Eskimos your partaking take has according Mr. Studman. up a lotdoof you TV. You those mutant aredead somehow drunken don’t cook?offers who needstoahelp degree whenhome, you ”can as aelaborated. fry guy at “Give McDonalds? Studman a course build Mr. work Studman your So on what tell know the friends and friends or evenwho cute animal pelts, wenight. Reward yourself with an actual meal. YouMr. able keep up with all their schoolwork spending upon ofWell, learn. Go theno internet plz lol,” for Screw there’s aloved whole new out there for you right your confidence only studying, five installments ones theworld bullshit they deserved, give familytoyou casually abandoned at home? while understand thehours importance a loudly“Youon made friends?and Easy.type Createina “food bunch recipe, hours keeping up with all their shows. know they suck, but But nowwhatGoogle may of not get the lastaccounts. half of it,Pick buthot thepeople first partofis$29.95. a shoe-in. now! the cash be placed them the bullshit you promised.” He requested Fortunately for you, The Black Sheep spokeWedescribed sexscapade. if sex isn’t fake Facebook
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