The Black Sheep
FR STE EE... L AL F IKE ROM THE YO U P E N C R R ILS O O M YO U MA TE.
Vol. 4, Issue 3
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
1/23/14 - 1/30/14
Student Frustrated That LinkedIn Still Hasn’t Found Him a Date BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF This past semester a junior chemistry major named Leon Stewart spent all his time perfecting his LinkedIn account. But he wasn’t spending it beefing up his work experience, cropping down his profile picture, or rounding out his network. One glance at Stewart’s profile and one would quickly discover that he thought it was a dating website. A weird, perverted dating site. “Well, I wasn’t having the best of luck with the ladies. It seemed like they all wanted Twizzlers, and I was just a Red Vine. I came across this statistic that said nowadays 20% of couples first meet online. And I figured it was worth giving it a shot because I had pretty much run out of options in the real world,” Stewart confessed. “I was on eHarmony, OkCupid, JDate, ChristianMingle, AmishCrush, BlackPeopleMeet, you name it and I was on it. I had my tentacles in all the digital ponds, grasping for that one out of plenty of fish in the sea.” However, Stewart remained unsuccessful on these sites as well, being matched only with his recently widowed mother, which was obviously out of the question. “When I heard about LinkedIn I didn’t have much hope left. I checked it out and saw everyone just posted pictures of themselves and info about where they live, where they went to school, what they do for a living. You know, all the usual starter questions for a dating profile. I figured I’d
give it one last chance.” Shortly after Stewart’s profile was created, there was a confused and disgusted response from many of his classmates. One of his connections, sophomore psychology major Tim Clark said, “Leon’s profile picture was a shirtless selfie of him licking a candy cane. I thought that was weird, but then I started reading. Under ‘Experience’, he wrote a list of girl’s names followed by detailed descriptions of appearance and how far he’d gone with them. It was a bit too much for me.” Another friend of Stewart, fellow chemistry major Laura Bone, was also appalled at his profile. “In the ‘Education’ category, he credited The Pickup Artist, 50 Shades of Grey, and his MCB 244: Human Anatomy & Physiology class. Under ‘Skills & Expertise’ he listed winking, drinking, candle-lit romancing, salsa dancing, salsa dipping, skinny dipping, skinny double-dipping, salsa double-dipping, strong hands, gentle hands, hands-free ;), listening, glistening, Christening, 2nd base, 3rd base, stealing 3rd base, 3rd base via error/fielder’s choice, and sacrifice fly. I don’t think he really gets it.” Stewart’s ex-girlfriend and English major Michelle Thompson was contacted with an odd request, “He wanted me to go on LinkedIn and verify that he really was skilled in foot massages. I thought it was really strange that he wanted my
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ABROAD STUDENT’S TRAVEL BLOG AWARDED PULITZER PRIZE IT’S THE PERFECT BALANCE BETWEEN COUNTERCULTURALISM AND FORCED CONFORMITY.
endorsement. What a weirdo. But I guess that means he’s been thinking about me ... and all the great times we had as a couple ... Oh my god, do you think he’d get back together with me?!”
Stewart’s one night stand from freshman year, Hillary Pauls, plainly stated the surprising request she received after Stewart activated his profile. “He wanted me to endorse him for fisting. And no, I didn’t do it.”
While Leon Stewart has continued to struggle with his romantic life, he has managed quite a bit of success in the job market. Recruiters around the country have extended job offers his way, noting his exceptionally confident profile and extensive skill set.
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TOP 10: WORST CAMPUS JOBS
REDNECKAGEDDON: THE CLOSING OF WHISKEY DIX
YOU MAY BE LOOKING FOR A PART-TIME JOB THIS SEMESTER, BUT THIS LIST TELLS YOU WHY YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM CAMPUS POSITIONS.
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WHISKEY DIX CAME AND LEFT SO SUDDENLY, AND WE’RE STILL WONDERING WHY.
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Abroad Student’s Travel Blog Awarded Pulitzer for “International Reporting” BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF Cited by the 2013-2014 Pulitzer Prize Board for its “unparalleled attention to detail for worldly issues” and an “irrevocably fresh take on experimental journalism that would leave even Hunter S. Thompson’s mind blown,” junior Daniel Colins has received a Pulitzer Prize for his travel blog, “London Calling (for Daniel).” During his four months studying abroad in the UK, Colins’ WordPress-published series of stories tackled important and controversial topics such as commenting on cultural differences between British and American McDonald’s restaurants, economic instability as the US dollar becomes more and more akin to cheap toilet paper, and how things in Europe are just “like, so, so different, you don’t even know.” “Colins is precisely what the world of journalism needed: a wake-up call,” commented Board Chair Paul C. Tash. “I remember stumbling upon his blog when it had just broken its 3-follower landmark, and the size-10 Helvetica stream-of-consciousness narrative reminded me of a young James Joyce. I read Colins’ now-infamous story on how his fish and chips were a little too dry and crispy for his taste, and I just thought, that’s it …he gets it. When no one else was bold enough, he just stepped up to the plate and said it. It was abrasive, and it was the sort of rebellious attitude in reporting that leaves me with a tear in my eye.” Colins’ blog started out as a small personal project when he became dissatisfied with the UK’s Netflix selection. However, once his story “Netflix in England Fucking Sucks” garnered the attention of his mother, the blog caught on like wildfire. Soon, Colins’ audience wasn’t just his mother any-
more, but several of his aunts, uncles, and even his grandmother as well. With comments left by relatives such as, “hey buddy looks like ur havin a blast!!!!!!!!!!” and “so proud!! we luv u and miss u very much baby :),” it was clear that Colins’ readership was hooked. “It really just came down to me, as a writer, struggling with my voice in an eternal struggle that tested both my agency and my consciousness,” remarked Colins in between coughing fits as he took multiple small drags from his cigarette. Once Colins’ mother addressed him in an email as “our little writer,” he began purchasing several packs of cigarettes a day in order to cope with the stress associated with his profession. “It’s just like, you can’t just write about how lame it is that you have to pay to use bathrooms in Europe, hit ‘Publish,’ and just be done. That shit eats away at you and never stops. When I finished my work on ‘A 30 Pence Poop,’ I developed a dependency on sleeping pills.” The Pulitzer Board has also recognized Colins’ for the “Feature Photography” category as well due to his “Pics from abroad” collection as well as selections from his Instagram account. Both collections—featuring blurry duplicates of random buildings, food, selfies, and synchronized group jump photos—left the Board absolutely speechless, with many of the members applauding the 8-megapixel quality and tasteful use of brown, blue, and pink filters to give the photos “that spark of human life you normally lose in a still.” One photo in particular of Colins at a pub drinking his first Guinness giving a “thumbs up” received a standing ovation when reviewed by the Board.
“It was the perfect balance of counter-culturalism and the forced conformity of modern social constructs,” commented one member. “Colins has flawlessly illustrated the unforgivably difficult of question of what exactly is the state of the contemporary human condition. His ‘thumbs up’ is the single biggest finger to the establishment that has ever been raised so defiantly. Plus, the foam on his Guinness was the perfect amount of froth.” Upon receiving his Pulitzer, Colins was awarded a fellowship from the University of Cambridge in order to begin the next installation of his coverage, reportedly focusing specifically on the realization and aftermath of learning that “Big Ben” actually refers to the clock, not the entire Parliament building. “To put it in layman’s terms, my mind is producing the truth at two-hundred miles per hour, and I’m just trying to catch what I can using these fingers of God-given journalistic integrity that were bestowed upon me,” coughed Colins as he adjusted his sunglasses and took drags from all six cigarettes in his mouth. “I stand to represent the thousands of us travel bloggers out there who couldn’t find their voice. Anyone can say they’re ‘so blessed for these life-changing experiences’…but not everyone can feel it.”
THE
TOP
TEN
WORST CAMPUS JOBS BY: UTK STAFF
JAMES FRANKLIN:
The Boner Who Lost His Way BY: BIG DICK RICK AND SOME BITCH Many of you may think you know the truth behind the recent resignation of James Franklin from the Vanderbilt Commodores, but the real story goes much deeper. His resignation began when he was just a young boy who longed to be “the best football coach of all time.” As a child he’d watch football games with his dad, commenting on what plays each team should run. He knew what a dime defense was before he knew what a dime of money was. Yes, young James was destined for football coaching glory. But one day, in his early teens, James felt a funny tingling in his pants as he climbed the rope in gym class. It was then that something magical burned from his groin straight to his brain, rewiring and restructuring the young future-coach’s brain grapes. He had a boner, and he loved it. First came more gym class “mishaps” where he’d run around the locker room as if being pulled by an imaginary rope attached to his boner, then the late night sessions with Victoria’s Secret magazines, it was all downhill from there. From age 14 on, he was determined to become not only the world’s best football coach, but also the world’s biggest boner. With new goals in mind, he set out on his quest. He’d spend hours drawing plays in his notebooks, plays that would be run by giant
06
boners wearing headsets on the sidelines. He’d watch football footage constantly while shaving and sculpting his head to mirror that of a boner. As he grew older and climbed the ranks of coaching football, he was forced to conceal his passion for boners, but remained constant in maintaining the appearance of a giant, walking boner. All was looking well when he landed his first head coaching position at Vanderbilt; it was a dream come true. His team grew in strength and so did his boner-ish appearance. Not only was he finally gaining recognition for having a great football mind, but he also gained himself a wife. However, despite all his dreams coming true, one day the unthinkable happened. After a night of wining and dining with his lady, James was gearing up to sport one of his finest looking boners to date. But alas, his boner was no more. The following months consisted of constant efforts to restore his boner, but all the Viagra in the world couldn’t reverse the damage of constantly being a dick for over 20 years. He even tried popping in his favorite porn compilation, Boner Jams 1998, in hopes of reliving past sexcapades, but nothing worked. Even Viagra has a 7-hour limit. Scorned by this failure, he vowed that if he couldn’t have a boner, no one could. And so his transformation to the dark side began.
In his first offseason, masked by the already non-existent Vanderbilt recruiting season, Franklin began his work on the Boner Death Ray. Funding his death machine was easy, as he merely raised tuition for every student by $3,000. Most of the students didn’t even notice, thinking the raise in tuition was to just build another on-campus Subway. After his dastardly weapon’s completion, his plan to defeat every SEC team by stealing away their boners was set into motion. He’d steal their boners, and set the ray gun in reverse on himself, completing his transformation into the biggest, veiniest dick of all time. His first target: The University of Tennessee. Without their boners their football season would be staggered. Next, he targeted Florida and Georgia and finally, he took down Alabama. Missouri and Auburn, coming off of terrible 2012 seasons, were spared from the boner ray. He was able to dominate the now decimated SEC with ease. It wasn’t long until the heads of the SEC realized what James was doing. Embarrassed and fearful for their own boners, they destroyed the Boner Death Ray and banished Franklin to a land where what they play can hardly be considered football, Penn State and the Big Ten. The SEC can finally breathe easy, with our football powers restored and a future void of the world’s biggest boner, James Franklin.
A new semester means another month of students scrambling to find part-time jobs to support their growing PBR addiction. Instead of looking for job opportunities that are way down Kingston or even on The Strip, some students will try to remain as close to their home base as possible, they’ll look into working for the university. To help these students with their job search, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of places they shouldn’t work on campus… which might just be all of them. 10.) Tutor: This seems like a tempting way to earn some cash: little effort and time involved, no strict hours or labor expected, and you just have to vomit up information you already know. However, you’ll be trying to teach the poor saps who couldn’t learn from actual, trained-in-teaching professors. The ones who need to have Math 113 principles explained to them with marbles and toothpicks. Yikes. 9.) Morrill Caf or PCB: Either you’re the person who swipes everybody’s dining card while simultaneously trying to read your textbook, or you’re sitting behind the meat-carving station waiting for students to pick something that isn’t pizza. What little faith in humanity you have left will be lost upon watching the same kids come in and eat 20 bowls of cereal alone every day. 8.) T-Rec: This may seem like the most glamorous of campus occupations; however, working in the dank, smelly gym is anything but. Think of those poor dopes whose sole job is to just stand by the turnstiles telling people, “no, swipe your I.D. the other way,” over and over while breathing in others’ body odors and rampant testosterone. 7.) Library: Do people even need to work in libraries anymore? Isn’t that what the internet’s for? We’re just confused over what these people even do. Usually they’re found alone watching Netflix, doing their homework, and quietly contemplating suicide every time they’re asked to re-stock the bookshelves. 6.) OIT Support: Being the entire university’s technology bitch doesn’t sound like a fun job, but if you like insipid questions about the internet and people yelling at you, then maybe this job is for you. Make sure you have a fondness for fixing professors’ laptops’ connections to the smart board and a knack for saying “Did you reset the router? Try resetting the router.” 5.) Bookstore: Have you ever seen anybody in the bookstore past a week into the semester? No. Maybe a few visiting parents will wander in, look around, think about buying a t-shirt, look at you, realize how pathetic you look, and leave. But that’s about it. Paycheck earned, life wasted. 4.) Jimmy Cheek’s sex slave: One in every twenty or so students you’ll talk to has held this position at one point in their undergrad, and several successful CEOs have this on their resume. Sure, he pays you in gold coins and sensual back massages, but come on guys, you need a job that’ll put you on a career path. 3.) Maintenance: On this campus, every class period lends a new discovery of something to be fixed. Either the heat is nonexistent or way too high, the windows won’t close or open, the ceiling’s leaking or the ghosts are pissed… at least you’d never be out of things to do? 2.) Landscaping: To be one of those people who has to get up at 6 a.m. to leaf blow the sidewalks in 30-degree weather while uppity, hungover students stroll past, or not to be? Let us answer that one for you: not to be. 1.) Anywhere in Pres Court: Not only does this mean you’d be working at Chick-fil-A or Subway, but it means that you’d have to deal with being open 24 hours and facilitating the needs of every drunk freshman on campus. At this point having sloppy hot-tub sex with Jimmy Cheek sounds more appealing. All of these potential on-campus jobs require you to lose your dignity and become really tired of saying the phrase “All-Star or Dining Dollars?” So, your best bet is to come work for The Black Sheep — we’re paid in booze, chained to typewriters just once a week, and our Campus Manager is only verbally abusive when he drinks whiskey.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD TO TITLE A SONG ABOUT YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING HIGH SCHOOL MOMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED?
David
“10 Shots on Prom Night.”
Kayla
“Dumped at Starbucks.”
Kathleen
“‘Switching Sweaters.’ aka ‘I’m Allergic to Wool.”
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The Black Sheep is Hiring Writers quickly and easily apply today: theblacksheeponline.com/jobs
JACKSON AVE. MARKET
BLACKSTOCK
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Beardsley Community Farm Benefit, 8pm
GlowRage The Ultimate Paint Party! 9pm, $15
Jazz Night 9pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
90.3 WUTK Presents Tim Lee 3, 10pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
Live Music
Barefoot Movement, 10pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 pm
Live Music
Karaoke until 3am!
Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Ladies Night! Drinks are $3.85-$4.50 Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Wednesday 1/29
Monday 1/27
$2.50 Kids Meals
Tuesday 1/28
Sunday 1/26
Saturday 1/25
SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday 1/23
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
SATURDAY! 90.3 WUTK Presents Tim Lee 3, 10pm
Friday 1/24
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
Make Every Night a Steak Night with Our New Steak Specials! Perfectly Paired with a REAL Margarita!
FRIDAY! GlowRage The Ultimate Paint Party! 9pm, $15
3-Star Jubilee Presents The Leadbetters, 8pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
The BluePrint, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Sans Abri, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
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Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Taco Night! $1.75 Tacos Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Live Team Trivia at 8pm
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Jazz Night 7pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
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Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
35 Below! Coolest Dance Club Playing the Hottest Dance Music! Every Friday and Saturday, Doors at 9pm, DJ Rain Live
TUESDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS: All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
$4 Martini Mondays! $4 Martinis and cocktails made with Deep Eddy Vodka Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
FRIDAY! Fine Peduncle + VEINS + WRLMM, 10pm, $5
Everyday Deals: Happy Hour 2pm-7pm $2 Drafts & $2 Tall Boys All Day, $1 Old Styles
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Domestic bottles and drafts, $4 Jack and Jim NFL Thursday Nights: $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
American Peacemakers, Don Coyote, and MORE!
$1 Off Imported Beers $1 Old Styles
Thursday 1/23
11am-7pm: $1.50 Budlight, Miller Lite and Yuengling draft, $1 off bottles and 25% off Wine bottles
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
Fine Peduncle + VEINS + WRLMM, 10pm, $5
“Fuck You Friday” Happy Hour 2pm-7pm with $2 Drafts $1 Old Styles
Friday 1/24
35 Below! Coolest Dance Club Playing the Hottest Dance Music! Every Friday and Saturday, Doors at 9pm, DJ Rain Live
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Catch all the games here!
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
Hey OK Fantastic Reunion with Pretty Prefect 10pm, $5
Happy Hour 2pm-7pm $1 Old Styles
Saturday 1/25
All Day! $12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Large 2 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Knoxville Poetry Slam and Open Mic ft. Mo Man 8pm, FREE
$.50 off everything except $2 Beers $1 Old Styles
Sunday 1/26
$12 Domestic Buckets, $3 16OZ Aluminum Bottles, 35 Cent Wings
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax
$4 Martini Mondays! $4 Martinis and cocktails made with Deep Eddy Vodka Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Comedy Con Queso 9pm, FREE
$3 Drafts $1 Old Styles
Monday 1/27
Wine Tasting Tuesdays! For $9.99 come take a tour through our hand-picked White or Red Wine selection Plus Wednesday is half priced btls. of wine!
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
$2 Drafts
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Improv Comey Show 8pm, FREE
$2 Drafts all day $1 Old Styles
Tuesday 1/28
Wine Down with us! 1/2 off bottles of wine WED 865Dnb, Starting at 9pm, 18+
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
Ghost Note, Mal Nombre 9pm, FREE!
“Wheats & Sweets” $.50 off wheat beers, ciders and malts $1 Old Styles
Wednesday 1/29
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS
THE CEREMONIES BY: BRENDAN
“We don’t tend to look at [The Ceremonies] as a band, but instead as
Do you have a sibling? Sure you do. Do you fight like two cats in a wet burlap sack? Duh. Well then, you’ll be shocked to know The Ceremonies—Matt, Michael and Mark—are brothers. In a band. And they’re all alive. That is, unless the fourth brother, Mitch, is buried somewhere. The California trio was nice enough to talk to us about their self-titled EP and upcoming tour, coming soon to a large metropolis near you.
fine art.”
The Black Sheep: How long have you three been playing music together? Matthew Cook: We began playing acoustically—not as an official band—at the start of high school. We were doing a lot of cover songs, playing for fun at local charities and gigs. We started playing officially-- as a band-- a couple of years later. TBS: Who proposed turning this into a real project? Matthew: I always had bands growing up, and my brothers Mark and Michael would fill in when we had absent band members. As they were finishing high school I was beginning college, and I had some songs written that I wanted to put together. All of a sudden it occurred to us that we had a band right in front of us, and we had never acted on it. TBS: So who decided the roles within the band? Matthew: Since I write the music, I know who is doing what from the get-go. I’ll think in my head, “Mike can do this, and Mark can do this,” but I also think about who can best do what on stage. We don’t have set parameters with who plays what. TBS: How would you describe yourself as a group? Matthew: Sonically, it’s a conglomeration of 80s Manchester new wave instrumentation and arrangement combined with a 60s traditional vocal harmonies with contemporary feel. That’s how we think of The Ceremonies sonically, but we don’t tend to look at it as a band, but instead as fine art. TBS: What do you mean it’s more fine art? Matthew: We think that the notion of a “band” is pigeonholing—that these are artists who sing and dance, it’s an act. It’s a limiting term. We’re more interested in concepts and carrying those out the best way we can. Music is our primary medium for that, but we definitely spend a lot of time painting and writing poems and making videos. The best comparison we can bring up is the Talking Heads and David Byrne. Stop Making Sense is a performance art piece. They integrate props to get your mind going. TBS: Having aspirations that just aren’t musical, how do you
deal with the business side of this? Matthew: We have control over our decisions. That’s something we really love about our labels, Atom Factory and Capitol, they let us make our decisions. For the most part we have a lot of freedom to carry out ideas as we see fit. TBS: How do you guys define success, then, as musicians? Matthew: The answer to that is changing daily. As artists we hope to affect as many people as we can. We hope to alter someone’s mindset, how to have a more open perspective and how to live more genuinely. Numbers on social media are the main medium bands have to see what their demographic is, so that’s what we look at. TBS: What was your creative approach to your self-titled EP, The Ceremonies? Matthew: The EP started with me writing a bunch of songs throughout high school and college—having these ideas in mind and maintaining this sense of childhood wonderment. I wanted to write music about finding sense of childhood within your inner adult. Then we met our producer Danny Garibay, brought him a bunch of those songs, and increased the production value. We decided which ones to put on the EP, and
put it together. TBS: You noted you’re the primary songwriter, but what does a discussion about creative decisions look like? Matthew: It’s been in the later stages. For example, with “Ballroom Bones” I had the demo recorded, and when we brought it to Danny we ended up adding a whole bunch of parts that became integral parts of the song. There’s a guitar line that became a big part of the song, and we decided on that together. Definitely there’s collaboration, but it happens later on. TBS: But how much change can happen when lyrics are a huge component to the tone of a song? Matthew: For sure, lyrics are important. For us, they’re at least 50% of the song—they hold the meaning. As an artistic collective that doesn’t want to be bound to the notion of just being a band, we hold a lot of our meaning in the song itself, which comes from the word. It’s interesting, though, a lot of people are selective listeners who listen more to the music than the words, and for those people there’s a process that has to be carried out where the atmosphere of the song has to match the lyrics. TBS: What goes into translating this live? Do you aim to have it be close to the studio as you can, or do you want it to sound like the studio? Matthew: I think there are inevitable differences between the live sound and the recording. You have a lot more creative control with recording. We’re not interested in replicating the song on the record as much as we are creating a new experience live. It’s like, every time you read a book, you read it differently. It’s the same book you’re reading, but you paint different imagery in your mind. A song doesn’t have to be all new, but we like to pitch it in a new way. TBS: What’s your stage show like? Matthew: We’re going out on our second tour—this time with Glasvegas—from February to March. It’s not so much us trying to impress the audience as much as it is letting yourself get lost in the music. If you can do that, then the audience will feel like it’s musical theater or something—if you’re into it, the audience will feel it as well. TBS: Then what makes a good show or a bad show? Matthew: I guess just audience reaction. We’re really interested and committed to this idea of performing full-out. I’d rather sing a high note and have my voice crack than be too timid to go for the high note. We’re going for genuine emotion.
BARTENDER of the WEEK Major: Anthropology
bite of my food.
Favorite Drink: Maker’s Mark Manhattan
A child’s laughter makes you…: Cringe.
Favorite Shot: 3 Wisemen
What’s the difference between geeks, nerds and dweebs?: Cleanliness.
Disgusting Drink: Light beer Build a perfect sandwich: Mushrooms, gouda, onions, sautéed bell peppers, spinach, and pita bread. What superpower has the most potential, from a sexual standpoint?: Batman can do whatever he wants.
MADISON of Latitude 35
DRINKING GAME Word Calisthenics Words are what make this world, even when they’re slurred. Without them, a hammer would literally not be a hammer, it’d be a…it’d be something else. Work on your wordplay, with beer! What You’ll Need: Beer, a creative mind. NO ACCOUNTING MAJORS ALLOWED. Number of Players: 2 Level of Intoxication: You’ll go from being a wordsmith to blowing them up into wordsmithereens. How to Play: -Begin by having one player say a 3-letter word. For example, “cat.” -The other player must then name another 3-letter word that begins with the last letter of the previous word. For example, “cat” becomes “tap.” -If a player names a word that both begins and ends with the last letter of the previous word, then the word expands by 1 letter. For example, if “cat” becomes “tot,” then the next word must be 4 letters long and begin with “t.” -This continues until one player cannot name a word of the appropriate length. -No shortened words (“tat” for “tattoo,” for example), abbreviations or proper nouns are allowed. -Words cannot be repeated. -Drink each time a player expands a word by a letter. -Drink each time someone tries to use a word that has already been said. -Drink each time a vulgarity is used. The Game Ends When: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Duh.
What is the silliest thing you’ve cried about?: Someone taking a
Would you rather eat $1.00 in pennies or get a tattoo of a butt on your butt?: Eat $1.00 in pennies. If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Banana master. I know you are, but what am I?: What?
RECIPE for DISASTER Deep Fried Oreos It’s a few weeks into the new year, and you know damn well that this means that “get fit” resolution is knee-deep in assorted chocolates and sweets that your grandma purposely gave you just to totally screw you over. Luckily, deep frying is always the best answer for shameful weight frustration. What You’ll Need: A bag of Oreos, 2 cups of biscuit mix, 2 eggs, 1.5 cups of milk (whole milk, don’t be a pussy), 3 teaspoons of oil, and enough vegetable oil to deep fry a small animal. Cook Time: About 10 minutes Fatty Factor: See: “deep fried.” Let’s Get Baked: - Mash up that biscuit mix with the eggs, milk, and the 3 teaspoons of oil until it’s as smooth as your roommate’s reaction after walking in on him “exploring” himself. - Preheat your deep fryer/pan to about 375° Fahrenheit, or Celsius if you’re feeling a little adventurous.* - Put the Oreos in the batter and soak those suckers up until you can smell the impending dissatisfaction. - Carefully toss the Oreos into the deep fryer/pan. - Once the Oreos are brown on one side, flip them over so the other side gets some action. - Scoop out the Oreos once they’re fried/burnt to your liking and let them cool/drain on a paper towel before shovin’ them in your mouth. It’s probably best to prep this one before you go out for the night. The Black Sheep has only played with a deep fryer once, and that’s all we can really say legally. *Seriously, don’t do that. We think your face looks better when it doesn’t have searing, explosive grease all over it.
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REDNECKAGEDDON: The Closing of Whiskey Dix BY: AUSTIN McLAURINE Tennessee is literally a breeding grounds for rednecks. Even those in Tennessee who wouldn’t consider themselves a redneck still have some of the common tendencies of our backwoods brethren, such as using duct tape on potentially life-threatening objects, blowing up stuff for no good reason, and occasionally admitting how hot our sisters are. The epicenter of all this madness is found in Nashville, a place famous for its country music roots and cowboy boots. Naturally, some members of that culture have found their way to UT. Which is perfectly fine — rednecks can be found anywhere freedom rings and beer flows like WD40 out of a Ford F-150’s vagina. Suspicion rose, however, when the percentage of rednecks in Knoxville rose 200% in just a few years. It is that suspicion that led to a conspiracy; a conspiracy involving Jimmy Cheek, Buffalo Wild Wings, and yours truly, The Black Sheep. The conspiracy revolves around Whiskey Dix, a bar placed on The Strip in the wake of a failed Buffalo Wild Wings venture. It was a seemingly normal enough location with plenty of other clubs located near it, so it wasn’t out of place. Upon its opening, the collective “jingle-jangle” of all the boot spurs jumping wildly to top 40 remixes and songs about long lost love with tractors was enough to keep The Strip awake. A census completed by the Knoxville area noticed a remarkable increase of individuals who classified themselves as “rednecks” during this time. Consumption of Mountain Dew and light beer skyrocketed, celebratory hand pistols were shot between cowbros, and the streets were littered with “redneck” party fare (hay, leather, pictures of Sean Hannity). With the redneck rowdniess reaching fever pitch, something had to be done. You won’t read this in any “news” papers because of its controversial nature, but it’s been recently discovered that a Nashvillian shadow group in their home city set up to deport their rednecks opened Whiskey Dix. Upon the discovery of the plot, none other than Jimmy Cheek came to our rescue and bought the place out. We only know him as the guy who hiked our tuition that one time, or that other time, or even that other time, but he came to our rescue right when we needed him. We at The Black Sheep asked Mr. Cheek why he took time out of his busy hot tub lounging to bother with the needs of the people: “I got tired of not being able to see down The Strip due to the copious amounts of cowboy hats. Plus, I really hate Rascal Flatts.” It’s rumored that the funds used to acquire Whiskey Dix consisted of
student tuition, but at least everyone can rest easy that it’s closed now. The Whiskey Dix era will always be a blight on UT, but it is gone and that is enough solace for this tired reporter. The redneck levels in Knoxville have gone back down to an acceptable place, even for Tennessee. Although the epidemic is over, the Cotton Eyed Joe is still running. As of now, there are no plans for The Joe to be moved to Nashville, but Knoxville will certainly be more suspicious of Nashville’s shenanigans in the future. Thankfully, we’ve avoided Redneckageddon…for now.
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the crossword famous ash(ley)s ACROSS: 3) What is Ashton Kutcher’s real first name? 5) Ashley was the most popular girl’s name in the early 90s, but was eventually topped by this name. 6) The only dating service that promotes affairs, Ashley what? 7) The day of the week occuring 46 days before Easter, two words. 9) Ash Ketchum is the protagonist in what video game? 11) If you skin is dry, you say it’s what? 13) Ash tree’s scientific name. 16) The lip-syncing sister of Jessica Simpson. DOWN: 1) Ashley Country is one of many dry counties in this state. 2) Ashley Parker Angel was a member of this 2000s manufactured boy band. 4) ASH is the American Society of
what? 5) The sister’s Ashley, Naomi and Wynonna. 8) Ashley Greene’s Cullen name is the Twilight saga. 10) Not Ashley Olsen, the other one. 12) Ashley Furniture is headquartered in this state. 12) Who plays Ashley Schaeffer on Eastbound & Down? 14) Ashley Tisdale’s character in High School Musical. 15) The Emerald ash borer is what kind of insect?
KNOXVILLE’S BEST BEER SELECTION!
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mondays $4 cocktails w/ deep eddy vodka tuesdays $2 drafts* wednesdays half off all wines thursdays half off drafts* after 9 pm
COME UNWIND WITH FRIENDS! We invite you to enjoy great food, craft beer, pool tables and live, local music at Barley’s.
865.637.4663 www.sunspotrestaurant.com *excludes high-gravity
THE HISTORIC OLD CITY 200 E. Jackson Ave. Knoxville, TN 37915 www.barleysknoxville.com • 865-521-0092