The Black Sheep
GIR FREE LFR ... L IEN IKE D F N OT OR VAL HAVIN ENT G A INE ’S D AY.
Vol. 4, Issue 4
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
1/30/14 - 2/5/14
LAS VEGAS OR KNOX VEGAS? BY: ALEX HARWARD Have you ever had a yearning to drop everything you were doing and take a spontaneous trip to some magical land? If so, The Black Sheep has some news for you! Park your cheap, college ass right back down on that pre-furnished apartment couch of yours and pay attention. You may think that Las Vegas is a glitzy place full of one night stands, titty bars, and the greatest hangover you’ll ever experience — if you know how to have a good time then all of these things are true, but there is another place eerily similar… KNOX VEGAS (formally known as Knoxville, Tennessee, home of the Volunteers). If you’re looking for the perfect getaway, look no further than your own backyard. Knox Vegas has everything that Las Vegas has to offer and most likely more (wink)! The two cities are so comparable, The Black Sheep is about to have you cancelling your flight to Sin City and committing some real sins of your own in downtown Foxy Knoxy. “The Strip” Las Vegas is famous for its main boulevard, but lo and behold, so is Knox Vegas. The Strip has everything you could need in life: fast food, gas, classy bars like RUMORZ (holla for a dolla), and banks for all of the big spenders out there. Entertainment Now, Knoxville may not have any Broadway-type musicals like they do out in the desert, but that doesn’t mean the entertainment is lacking. We’d be damned if karaoke isn’t happening on any given night on The Strip. Raw, future talent lives on The Strip! How many times do we need to hear drunken bitches sing the “Ignition (Remix)” to realize their potential? Strip Clubs We will say this once, and one time only. THERE IS A STRIPPER POLE AT RUMORZ. Get your girl up on that stage and make it rain, fellas. Also, if you think you’re a high roller take that party of yours to the Emerald Club out on Clinton Highway. Surely only good things can happen in a club with a name like that. Drug Deals Las Vegas has coke, Knox Vegas has Adderall, and Adderall is basically coke with training wheels. Every person up in this bitch wants Adderall, so fear not fellow non-subscribers, Adderall in Knox Vegas sells faster than coke off a stripper’s ass in Sin City. All you need to do is make a few calls, sell your soul, and boom, Addy for days.
The Art That giant gold ball thing is basically as good as all the monuments in Las Vegas, right? Replica Eiffel Tower as compared to Sunsphere? Nailed it. The Luxor hotel as compared to Sunsphere:? Twins. The fountains at the Bellagio as compared to Sunsphere? Can’t even tell the difference. Casinos The endless supply of casinos in Las Vegas just steal your money and make you feel bad about yourself. Well then, step right up to the Uni-
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THE SCIENCE OF THE HANGOVER
TOP 10: WAYS TO SPEND YOUR TAX RETURN
YOU KNOW WHY YOU’RE HUNGOVER (TOO MANY FOUR LOKOS), BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHY?
versity of Tennessee, because the Big Orange Screw will do the same damn thing! Wave goodbye to your money, even the penny slots won’t help you now. Shall we reflect? The next time you consider going out of town for a few days, you should punch yourself in the face because Knox Vegas has it all. Call 1(800) GIT-DIRTY for travel plans and accommodations. You’re welcome.
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JUSTIN BIEBEALITIES AFTER BIEBER’S DUI LAST WEEK, WE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PRISON GANG HE’D BEST FIT INTO IT.
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Buzzfeed Nostalgia Threatens Freshman Student’s College Life BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF Since the beginning of second semester, UTK sophomore Shannon Burkes has become increasingly caught up in ‘90s nostalgia. Sources closest to Burkes report that her sudden blast from the past occurred after she began viewing a series of Buzzfeed articles reminding the 20-yearold about the good old days, back in 1997. “She came back from break a completely different person,” said Burkes’ current roommate, Amanda Fitz. “I was late arriving back at school but when I got here, our room looked like someone’s storage room had exploded.” “There were Beanie Babies covering every inch of the floor along with a few Furbies who were awake and asking for food,” said RA Mindy Calaway. “She apparently spent her book money on copies of The Baby-Sitters Club and replaced all of her supplies with Lisa Frank trapper keepers and gel pens.” Burkes also reportedly hung up dozens of posters featuring past boy bands such
as N’SYNC and 98 Degrees as well as teen heartthrobs Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell.
to be respectful, to which she obliged, until a few moments later in which she proceeded to yell, ‘NOT!’”
“We had heard about Shannon’s recent habits but we didn’t think there was anything wrong with her interest in the past,” said the girl’s father. “It wasn’t until last week that we realized her situation was much more severe.”
Witnesses claim that as Professor Leonard turned his back to write on the chalkboard, Burkes pelted him with multiple Sticky Hands and wads of Big League chewing gum before running out of the lecture hall. Campus police were able to apprehend Burkes a few blocks away as she tried to escape on her Razor scooter.
In a report given by university officials, Burkes was removed for disruption of the educational environment after an incident that occurred last Tuesday during her communication class. In a statement taken by her professor, Burkes was scheduled to present a speech but arrived over 30 minutes late for class. In the 20 minutes she was present, Burkes obsessively whacked a slap bracelet across her wrist and played on her Tamagotchi, disrupting the students in her vicinity. “I’ve never witnessed such a lack of maturity in a female college student,” said Professor Leonard. “I repeatedly asked her
After a recent spike in web traffic to the Buzzfeed website, researchers have been responding to various cases across the country in which college students are experiencing abrupt changes in cognitive and physical behaviors after reading articles posted on the site. “Despite efforts to educate students through more reputable news sites and blogs, college kids today are fixated on Buzzfeed articles, primarily due to their fun GIFs and ease of reading through Top Number lists,” explained psychiatrist
Michael Dunham. Research supports that the popularity of the site is correlated with students focusing their interests and styles towards trendy pages as a way of obtaining positive feedback from their peers. It could also be the reason why Burkes’ demeanor changed so drastically. “In college, students often struggle to find their identity with so many different outlets at their disposal,” stated Dr. Dunham. “Shannon may believe that she reached her peak as a poster child of the ‘90s and
therefore has reverted back to a time where she feels accepted as opposed to the stresses of college.” In light of this new evidence, the university has blocked the use of Buzzfeed on the campus’ network. In order to prevent future occurrences, students are being urged to read actual news instead of blog posts written by nostalgia-driven delusionists. Burkes is currently staying at home under parental supervision as her condition continues to be monitored.
THE
TOP
TEN
WAYS TO SPEND YOUR TAX RETURN BY: AUSTIN McLAURINE
Every student should know exactly how and when to file their taxes, what tax returns are, or at the very least know how politely ask your parents to just do them for you. But even if you’re a responsible, taxpaying citizen of this fine country, you may not know what to do with the extra few hundred dollars you get in return. Lucky for you, The Black Sheep is here to get you started. 10.) Textbooks: You’ve got some extra money lying around, so why not? Passing tests are so much easier when you actually buy the books. We advise that this be your last resort if you seriously can’t think of any other way to spend your money, you poor, boring soul.
The Science of
THE HANGOVER BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF It’s all too familiar. The pounding headache, possible vomiting, definite regret, and the horrible body pains that make it constantly seem like an alien is attempting to escape from beneath your skin. But why, god, why, do you feel this way? ‘Cause you drank too much, dumbass. But beyond that, there’s a hell of a lot of science at work in the toxic wasteland that is your body. So let’s talk about why we’re here. Yes, you were drinking all night. And therefore you were probably been peeing all night. That’s because alcohol is a diuretic. What that means, friends, is that you were pissing out more water than you were taking in. And that brings us to the first cause of your terrible hangover: serious dehydration. Your dehydrated body is very upset with you. In fact, it’s actually stealing water from anywhere it can. Oh, by the way, that includes YOUR BRAIN. This is why you have that pounding headache. Your brain is literally shrinking in an attempt to provide your body with enough water to, you know, function. So remember, water is your best friend during, before, and after a crazy drinking spree. Let’s move on to why every cell in your body is screaming in protest. This is due the way your body processes the things you
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put inside it. In this case, you have chosen to literally fill it with poison juice. Great job. Your liver goes through a lot of steps to turn that alcohol into harmless, easily expellable acetate. The way that acetate is produced is by these little buggers called glutathione. Unfortunately, you drank more poison than the glutathione can convert at once, and you don’t have enough to fix it. But wait! There’s more! Before the glutathione can make any acetate at all, the alcohol has to be turned into acetaldehyde. Here’s the problem: acetaldehyde is really toxic. Toxic to the tune of twenty times more than the original alcohol! What? That’s terrible. Yes it is terrible and it’s why you feel terrible. Your body normally has enough glutathione to immediately produce acetate. But since your ass drank a ton, it can’t do that right now. This leaves all that evil acetaldehyde free to torturously tour your body until it can be converted. You are essentially more full of toxic nonsense than you were last night. How crazy bananas is that? Really crazy bananas. Knowing the science of why you feel like shit won’t make you feel better, but using some science to prevent it can. For example,
fatty foods aid in slowing alcohol absorption as well as help in preventing stomach irritation. Carbohydrates can even ease nausea. So before you stuff your face with vodka, why not chow down on a slice of Mesa’s mac &and cheese? Fatty foods are amazingly delicious and will keep the tiny pain chickens from running around, pecking at you internally the next day.
9.) Homework Access: That 14-day trial for your online homework is finally up and you aren’t making any moves to reactivate it. At this point, you’ve decided to just take the zero on homework and screw the consequences. But now, by the grace of your dear government, you may not fail after all! 8.) Kitchenware: You’ve managed to live off your microwave with little trouble, since you mainly eat pizza rolls, ramen, and leftovers. Why not try living like a non-college person for once, though, and buy a few frying pans? Paying taxes and having an almost-kitchen is half way to adulthood! 7.) Food: You might want to hit Kroger once in a while, and with cash like this you should be good for at least like a week... Maybe less. Really splurge and buy those Oreos you’ve had your eye on. Make sure you get at least three boxes, so when you finish the first two in one sitting you won’t feel as bad. 6.) More Netflix: Who needs to study when you can binge watch Supernatural and... well you might fail your classes... But that’s ok, your taxes aren’t paying for classes! They’re paying for Net- oh what’s that now? They are? 5.) Beer: Everything just seems secondary compared to this, doesn’t it? As long as you don’t actually drink in class, this is your best investment. If you do drink in class you’ll get kicked out, and then you’ll need way more than measly tax return money. 4.) Paying Your Friends Back for Beer: Less fun than buying beer, but this will improve your credit and allow you to drink more of your friends’ beer. “Neither a lender nor a borrower be…unless it’s alcoho.l” — Shakespeare
Also, aspirin (not acetaminophen -- that will piss off your liver more) has been proven to aid in your body’s process of expelling all that booze. After a night of drinking, pop an aspirin and chug some water before bed. You’ll thank us later. Finally, if you’re really desperate to avoid that hangover, avoid dark-colored alcohol and red wine. Dark booze contains more congeners, and those are just some lovely extra toxins to deal with. Although here at The Black Sheep, we feel whiskey is worth it. Well, hasn’t this been funducational! You now know why your body loathes you for your drinking choices, as well as a few ways to attempt to combat the horrible aftermath. We could say “the only true cure for a hangover is to drink less,” but we won’t because that’s just crazy talk. Instead just rely on coffee, water, and good old fashioned determination.
3.) Hot Tub: Put a down payment on a hot tub. These are the best years of your life and you’d probably be the first to have a hot tub in your apartment. It’ll all be uphill from there. “Hot tubs beith thine gateway to fine pussy and salacious soaks.” — Jimmy Cheek 2.) Entourage: Not the show, but a posse. Who knows where it could get you? Think about how cool you would look, walking and laughing with a few good-looking people on the way to class. No, this isn’t buying friends, that’s absurd. 1.) More Beer: Stop worrying about what’s “logical to buy” and drink more beer, that’s what this money is for. Oh wait, you’ve already spent all your money? On beer? Well, there’s always next year.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT ACTIVITY WOULD BE MOST DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE HAD TO DO IT NUDE? Dylan
“Watch TV, that way I wouldn’t feel weird when I do it.”
Stephen
“Going skiing, because you’d freeze your balls off.”
Th o m a s
“Playing football, Roman style.”
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BAR SPECIALS SPECIAL NIGHT
BLACKSTOCK Make Every Night a Steak Night with Our New Steak Specials! Perfectly Paired with a REAL Margarita!
FRIDAY! YELAWOLF with DJ PAUL, 7pm
Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
FRIDAY! $6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers all night, $5 double LIT
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
Thursday 1/30
Live Music
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$4.50 Vodka Bombs, $2 Bottles, $7 Double Vodka Red Bull
Friday 1/31
Live Music
YELAWOLF with DJ PAUL, 7pm
Jazz Night 9pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite or Coors Original Pitchers all night, $5 double LIT
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
Karaoke until 3am!
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$6 Natty Lite & Coors Original Pitchers all night, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts & $2.50 Wells, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers All Day
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Saturday 2/1 Sunday 2/2
$2.50 Kids Meals
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Monday 2/3
Tequila Tasting with Reservation
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers from 9pm-closing
Tuesday 2/4
Ladies Night! Drinks are $3.85-$4.50 Tequila Tasting with Reservation
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Wednesday 2/5
Taco Night! $1.75 Tacos Tequila Tasting with Reservation
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps Wine Down Wednesday
Jazz Night 7pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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JACKSON AVE. MARKET
Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
FRIDAY & SATURDAY! 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
Need a Break? Half Price Hookah on Sundays!
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
WEDNESDAY! Comics: J.D. Howard, Trae Crowder, Waylon Whiskey, James Holdiness, Rob Brindle and Sam Donnelly, 8pm $5 - Includes a FREE Blue Moon!
HAPPY HOUR EVERYDAY 2-7 P.M. ALL DRAFTS $2
SPECIAL NIGHT
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Ladies Night! 1/2 off everything for women! Beer and appetizers 4pm-close Liquor and wine 4pm-10pm 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville DJ and Dancing starting at 9!
Everyday: $10 Hookah Sessions!
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
Ryan Sheley, Chris Porter, Caleb Caudle (Whiskey Drinkin Americana) 9pm, FREE!
Bring Your Own Vinyl and Record Swap Night + Weekly Raffle for $25 Gift Certificate to Wild Honey Records $1 OFF ALL IMPORTS!!
Thursday 1/30
10% off any meal combos
35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
No Cover and Cheap Drinks!
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
AJ Giather and the Grease Rag Gypsys, 7:30pm, $5 Dead Injun CD Release, Sprocket Gobbler, O’Possum, 10pm, $5
Free Music Friday
Friday 1/31
10% off any meal combos
Brunch 10am - 4pm, $3 Mimomas 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm. Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-of-the-art light and sound system!
No Cover and Cheap Drinks!
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
Adam Whipple CD Release, Maplehurst, Ethan Norman, Garrett Ivy 8pm, $5
Disco Night! $1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE!
Saturday 2/1
Closed
Best Brunch in Downtown Knoxville! 10am - 4:pm Home of the $3 Mimosa
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Come Party at The Well!
Open at 8pm! Video Game Tournament Night - Winner Receives $12 in Bar Credit! HAPPY HOUR FROM 8-10:30
Sunday 2/2
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Monday 2/3
Closed
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
Try our new spring menu!
Half Price Hookah!
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Comedy Con Queso 9pm, FREE Hannah Aldridge (Americana from Muscle Shoals) 10pm, FREE
$5 36oz PBRs
1/2 off large pizza from 4-close - Dine in only Scarecrow Winter Games! Play our games and have a chance to win a grand prize trip to Las Vegas!
Everyday: $10 Hookah Sessions!
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Einstein Simplified Improv Comey Show 8pm, FREE HalfDeaf, Tom Ato, Owl Squawd (Hip Hop), 9pm, $5
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Tuesday 2/4
Awesome Hookah Accessories!
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
Comics: J.D. Howard, Trae Crowder, Waylon Whiskey, James Holdiness, Rob Brindle and Sam Donnelly, 8pm $5 - Includes a FREE Blue Moon!
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & ciders are $1 off!
Wednesday 2/5
Buy one, get one free hotdogs!
1/2 off bottles of wine 4pm - 10pm Excluding house bottles
n i t s u J s e i t i l a e b e i B
ck on the street stem. Now, he’s ba sy e ic st ju ity br le hat if? What e ce at’s Godzilla. But w e turnstile that is th th th t, h ai ug -w ro ain th ed rim ss sc ably. atomic fire indi Justin Bieber pa of these four, prob Mothra, spewing st week for a DUI, g ne la in O . ed ht ng st fig re ga o, ar n ky g iso in To tt pr After ge --destroying rtain he’d join a untold proportions jail? Well, we’re ce in s as s hi sit m wreaking havoc of hi g ok at Bieber, makin if they threw the bo
Justin Bieber Declares himself part of the aryan Brotherhood As of Friday night, roughly 24 hours after his arrest for impaired drag racing and one hour into the mandatory eight-hour “drying out period” required for all DUI arrests, sources close to Justin Bieber are indicating he has aligned himself with The Aryan Brotherhood. He managed to orchestrate a tweet from behind prison walls, which confirmed his membership in the white supremacist organization:
While it is known that Bieber was planning his retirement shortly after a dip into the R&B genre, his rejection of the genre and its fans comes as a shock to many. However, his nation of Beliebers remains unphased. “It’s like, Justin knows everything. He has such a big heart, and I love love love him so much. So if he thinks blacks, hispanics, Chinese, Jews and whatevers should go [redacted] from a fucking [redacted], then I do too,” said Chelsea Simpson, 13 of California, who retweeted Justin’s sentiments along with 63,000 other teenage fans. The Black Sheep was unable to reach Bieber for comment, besides him telling us to take our “[redacted]loving paper and shove it up [our] virgin assholes.” Further persistence saw Mr. Bieber agree to speak to us through “Hitler’s Taint,” the Miami-Dade Aryan Brotherhood’s chief: “Justin wasn’t happy with how inferior other races made him feel. He found the truth in our ways. He realized societal pressures made him dabble in R&B and thus led to his downfall. Oh yeah, and look at the officers who arrested him -- shocking -- this would have never happened if America weren’t run by a [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].”
Justin Bieber Initiated by the Black Guerilla Family The warden for the Miami-Dade County Jail, Jeremy Caramel, has confirmed with The Black Sheep that Justin Bieber has been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, a multi-state prison gang. The Black Sheep reached out to the Bieber camp, and was granted a brief interview with the multiplatinum pop sensation. “Y’know man, growing up in Canada, I always had one black friend; now that I’ve been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, I have a lot of black friends. It’s a cracker’s dream come true.” Within the prison gang community The Black Guerilla Family is well-known for their intense initiation process, one which submits the prospective member to brutal beatings and psychological torture. Bieber had this to say regarding the
incident: “Man, when you’re high off your dick on Percocet, you ain’t feelin’ shit. The gauntlet might as well have been a giggle time tickle tunnel.” Still, heavy bruising was evident on Bieber’s forearms, indicating he’d seen some physical harm during his time behind bars. “Nah, you got it all wrong, bro,” Bieber noted in our The Black Sheep exclusive, “I told Terrence-he’s the leader-- how much I liked Tyler Perry’s Madea franchise. He, uh, he didn’t like that. I thought all black guys did; I got what I deserved, I guess.” We asked Terrence what it was like to have such a visible celebrity join his gang. “Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?” the life-sentenced inmate wondered. Still, Beiber’s reasons for joining The Black Guerilla Family remained unclear. When pushed for a concise answer the pop celebrity was quick to reply:
Insisting he get one final word in our “[redacted]-loving newspaper,” Hitler’s Taint had this to say “Justin was the final key. In combining Aryan Brotherhood with the dedicated, white-washed masses of Bieber Nation, this country will finally be purified.”
justin Bieber aligns himself with Miami-Dade County Women’s Jail Lesbian Alliance After mistakenly being booked at the MiamiDade County Women’s Jail, Miami authorities have issued a press release confirming speculation that Canadian singer Justin Bieber has joined the jail’s Lesbian Alliance. “We have spoken with Mr. Bieber,” the release reports, “and as we look to rectify our booking mistake, we understand the young man’s reason for joining the Lesbian Alliance.” “He’s in high demand,” Lesbian Alliance spokesperson Karen LaPosha commented, “there were catcalls from them lousy straights as soon as they saw him enter those barred doors; that coif is impossible to miss.” An anonymous source corroborated LaPosha’s story, “Listen, Justin’s no stranger to a woman’s affection towards him-- he’s been dealing with that for years now, but the ladies in here, they ain’t like the ladies out there. In here, he’s not a toy, he’s a tool. Some of these straight women, they ain’t had a dick in months, or even years. You could drag the bloated corpse of James Gandolfini in here and some’a these ladies would pay half a pack of smokes for a ride.” LaPosha was quick to note that
Bieber has oftentimes struggled to fit in with the Lesbian Alliance: “Yeah, he’s used to getting manicures and pedicures and all of that--listen, most of the women we run with, they don’t even wash their hair with soap, they use lye. When he asked if there was a waxing facility here in jail, one of our members laughed so hard she threw up.” All things considered, the Lesbian Alliance has been a boon for Bieber’s safety. LaPosha left The Black Sheep with this anecdote: “We assigned him two shower guards the other day, both came back saying he looked like a naked 12-year-old male gymnast. Gross, give me a hairy piece of pussy any day.”
“Well, now that I’m in it, I can finally say nig—” The Black Sheep will provide additional updates as this story unfolds.
El Bieber se Alinea con Mexican MafIa de la PrisiÓn de Condado de Miami-Dade Nuevos reportes fuera del sistema penitenciario Miami indican que Justin Bieber de la música pop fama se ha unido a las filas de Mexican Mafia de la Prisión del Condado de Miami-Dade. La pandilla de la prisión desde hace mucho tiempo es conocido por el uso de su poder fuera de los muros de la prisión. Los rumores tienen abundan acerca de por qué señor Bieber se uniría a esta pandilla de prisión en particular, ya que él es de origen Canada. Sin embargo, La Oveja Negro fue directo a la fuente. Señor Bieber dijo a La Oveja Negro fue inmediatamente atraído por Mexican Mafia. “Tienen conexiones, yo,” dijo, y agregó “y entienden la angustia, hombre ... la angustia viene con el ser abandonado por una bella mujer como Selina.” “El corazón del hombre se rompió,” Ricardo Méndez, líder de la Mexican Mafia: Sector de Miami-Dade nos dijo. “Los fuegos
de mil soles arde en el corazón de este hombre, y esos incendios fueron extinguidos cuando Selina pisoteó su amor. Estuvimos de luto por él, porque también nosotros adoramos señora Gómez.” Mientras que “El Biebs” puede sufrir una pérdida en la base de fans de esta medida, Mexican Mafia afirma que apoyará cualquier movimiento que hace, e incluso ayudar a encontrar trabajo fuera de la prisión en el cartel de la droga o el auge de la industria de la música ranchera.
la angustia de un coño perdona como Selina Gómez y la sociedad mecánica opresiva en la que floreció como una rosa en una caja de concreto. Niño Jesús llora por Bieber, así que lo celebran por hacerse tatuajes de su cara en el cuello “.
“Justin es sólo un muchacho, él es un ser humano, que es el hombre, sino que también es un tigre. Su alma se eleva como un águila, pero su mente está atrapada en una carcasa de plástico de la modernidad. La Mexican Mafia beliebs que prevalecerá contra
Ricardo y su factor de están tratando de mover Justin Bieber hacia adelante en las filas de su pandilla, para hacerle frente a su organización. Sin embargo, no se sabe si esta historia de amor va a durar cuando la pena de prisión preliminar de Justin termina en dos horas.
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: In a Relationship
vodka flavor?: Popcorn. If not Disneyland, what is the happiest place on earth?: My bed.
Major: Business Favorite Drink: Jefferson, neat Favorite Shot: Baby Guinness Disgusting Drink: Gin, in any way Would you rather eat a pooflavored mustache, or a mustache-flavored poo?: Poo flavored mustache. Is a hot dog a sandwich?: Yes, because it has bread around it.
HUNTER of Stock & Barrel
DRINKING GAME High School Reunion 2014 Here at The Black Sheep, we like to think that all friendships can stand the test of time. Starting conversations with people you haven’t talked to in years is always awkward and uncomfortable alone, but with a group of friends and liquid conversation enhancers available, it can make for the most fun and entertaining way to get blocked, reported, and hopefully slapped with a “cease and desist” message! What You’ll Need: A group of friends (preferably ones you went to high school with), a laptop, a die, and a god-tier sense of humility. Number of Players: 2+, but the more the merrier. Going alone will cause the game to go from “a blast” to “cripplingly depressing.” Level of Intoxication: Senior prom throwback. How to Play: - One player logs onto Facebook and opens their friends list. Another player must pick an old friend/ stranger from high school currently online to chat up. Roll a die. This will serve as the conversation starter: - If you roll a 1, type: “Hey! It’s been a while, X!” - For a 2: “So, like … why are we not friends anymore???” - For a 3: “Contrary to popular belief, I always thought you were the prettier rose in the thorn bush.” - For a 4: “I know we don’t talk anymore, but I REALLY need to say something…” - For a 5: “Personally, I think Y got heavier. What do you think, X?” - For a 6: “Horsepucky! In angels do we scream ‘breast milk?’ Please, save the children!” - Insert their name in X, insert someone else’s name in Y.
- The conversation must flow naturally. It must not end until each player has had a turn at responding. - If a player fails to respond within 30 seconds/does not elicit a response, they must finish their drink and pass the laptop. - The last player in the rotation may end the conversation if desired. - Once the conversation has ended, everyone finishes their drinks. Someone new must log in to their Facebook, pick a new friend and repeat the process. - Additionally, drink when the “friend”: - Displays disgust - Seems oddly into the conversation - Posts an emoticon - Uses an ellipses - Finish your drinks if you are unfriended during the conversation. The Game Ends When: Whoever’s logged in starts getting paranoid and all white-knighty. Someone’s gotta do it. This game will probably be a big influence in deciding your attendance at the reunion in 10 years. It’ll also be a nice way to clean out your 800+ “friends” list.
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What would be the grossest
If there were the Ten Bar Commandments, what would #1 be?: Don’t piss off the bartender. What is the most American of words?: ‘Merica. Is that a package of Jimmy Dean Country Mild Premium Pork Sausage in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?: What? Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s a cool local paper.
RECIPE for DISASTER Grilled Cheese Pizza You’ve just arrived home after striking out with random potential hookups left and right. Now, in addition to choosing tonight’s “adult entertainment” on your laptop, you’re forced to decide between pizza or grilled cheese to celebrate defeat. Our answer: Why not both? What You’ll Need: 8 slices of bread (yeah, you’re downing a whole one tonight), 1/4 cup of butter, 1/8 teaspoon of garlic powder, 1 teaspoon of Italian seasoning, slices of mozzarella cheese, 1/2 cup of parmesan cheese, and pizza sauce. You can toss pepperoni and other optional goodies in there if you wish. Cook Time: 20 minutes, give or take. Fatty Factor: Depends on your choice of processed foods. If you’re rocking plastic cheese and butter “spread,” be ready to throw your heart a curveball. Let’s Get Baked: - Mix the butter, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning in a small bowl. This is going to be the base spread for all your spices. - If you’re adding any meats like pepperoni, pop them in a microwave to warm them up. - Pre-heat a skillet to medium heat. - Spread your spice-infused butter on one side of a slice of bread and plant it on the skillet. Now deck out the non-butter side with whatever cheeses and meats you want. - Butter up another side of a slice and place it atop the skillet slice, butter side up. - Keep flipping until the insides are all melty and the bread is a toasty brown. - Repeat for all the remaining bread slices, cut the finished “pizzas” in half, and treat yourself to some pizza dipping sauce and a date with hyperexaggerated videos of what tonight never was. Loneliness never tasted so good. Get used to that flavor too, you’ve got a long, empty life ahead of you.
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Next Big Rockstar Discovered at Frat Party BY: CHRIS BOURG Cancel the rest of this season’s American Idol, because America’s newest music sensation has been found right here on the Knoxville campus. Junior Alex Halinski began honing his musical skills last Friday afternoon when he found a guitar under a pile of clothes in his room. “I was looking for my favorite ‘Party With Sluts’ jersey to wear to the gym when I found this guitar underneath all my dirty laundry,” Alex said. “When I saw it originally, I had no clue how it got there. Then I remembered that I stole it from some sissy emo singer at an open mic last semester when I was blacked out. I just walked up on stage and ripped it out of his hands. No one even said anything! That’s how you know he sucked.” So what inspired Alex to start actually playing the instrument? “I was thinking to myself, ‘This would be a great way to get laid.’ I knew—even though I don’t know shit about music—that I could score some serious pussy if I learned two or three songs that chicks like. Look at OneRepublic, those dudes blow ass, but I bet you they get prime
pussy every night because they play guitar and girls like what they play. So yeah, tail was definitely the only motivating factor for me.” Halinski made his musical debut later that Friday night at the party held in his fraternity house. Five people attended the concert held in Alex’s room, and the performance was met with high praise and adulation from fans. “OH MY GOD I LOOOOOOOOVE THIS SONG!” remarked freshman Tiffany Hall during Halinski’s performance of the opening riff of Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.” Sophomore Jayson Tompkins said, “That guy really hit the nail on the head with his rendition of Green Day’s “Time of Your Life.” The way he kept missing notes and screwing up the intro riff sounds made him sound exactly like Billie Joe Armstrong. He got pissed when we asked him to play “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and instead started a rendition of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” in the key of B sharp. The creative freedom he takes with these classics are unbelievable. His talents are truly bottomless.”
Sophomore Mary Selvey captured Halinski’s performance on her camera phone and sent the video to everyone on her Snapchat friends list. One of the lucky recipients was Steve Barnett, Chief Executive Officer of Capitol Music Group, who was somehow added to Mary’s list after the app’s hacking earlier this month. “I was excited to receive that Snap from Mary because I was looking forward to seeing more nudes,” said Barnett. “But it ended up being better than tit pics. That grainy, vertically-shot cell phone video showcased a superstar, one that we had to have.” Barnett was so impressed with Halinski’s abilities that he immediately sent him the paperwork for a multi-million dollar record deal. The following day, a hungover Alex Halinski signed on to Capitol Records. When asked about being signed to a label that’s home to such musicians as Katy Perry and Capital Cities, Alex said, “Wait, do I get to meet Katy Perry? Dude, I wanna do a Russian on her so bad!”
Capitol Music Group’s executive vice president Michelle Jubelirer issued a statement saying, “With a talent like his, we couldn’t afford NOT to sign Alex to a deal. It would only have been a matter of time before other record labels started banging on his door offering even more lucrative contracts to have him play exclusively for them. And there was no way in hell we were going to let those sons of bitches at Sony Music have a chance at him.” Although things are moving very quickly for Halinski, he’s enjoying the rush and looking forward to his first single, “Three Minutes of Me Playing Nothing but the ‘Smoke on the Water’ Riff,” dropping at the end of January.
There are also talks of starting a countrywide tour within the coming weeks. Fame and fortune hasn’t changed Alex, though. He remains grounded by the same values he held in his humble beginnings. “I swear to God, if I don’t get laid tonight I’m quitting,” he said. “I did not put in all this time over the past three days learning these stupid songs to not have sex with hot chicks.” As for the future, Alex says, he’ll probably stick with “this music thing” until he gets bored. “Then I’ll move on to something like target shooting. Yeah, something with guns. Bitches love dudes who pack heat.”
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES
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the m.a.s.h.
oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
The best man is... - Aziz Ansari - Edward Snowden - Stephen Hawking - Kanye West
The biggest mistake she made was… - Making out with the priest - Taking too many selfless - Puking on the wedding rings - Being too hungover to show up
Your signature entree was… - Doritos Locos Tacos - Vegan grilled cheese - Moonshine - Special K and almond milk
He pranks the wedding party by… - Throwing bleach on the outfits - Breaking the brides’ legs - Putting acid in the champagne - Inviting the Punk’d crew to film an episode
Oh hey, look who showed up! - Blue Ivy - Grumpy Cat - George W. Bush - Michael Cera
With a side of… - Organic banana chips - Chocolate ganache - Moonshine - Under-cooked chicken
The maid of honor is... - Courtney Stodden - Khloe Kardashian - Farrah Abraham - Katie Couric
And they brought you the best gift of all: - $100,000,000 - Two passes to Medieval Times in suburban Illinois - A noisy Pomeranian - A clearance rug from Urban Outfitters
And y’all lived happily ever after… - by having multiple affairs - hoarding kitties and puppies - applying chapstick to each other constantly - wearing your sunglasses at night
the crossword famous steve(n)s ACROSS: 3) American political satirist, comedian and television host. 6) Steve Irwin died from this animal. 8) Steve Jobs created this revolutionary brand. 10) Steve Carell shouts this person’s name while getting waxed in 40 Year-Old Virgin, two words. 12) This famous Stephen is a celebrity physicist. 14) Shia LaBeouf was the lead actos in this Disney Channel show, two words. 16) He directed Jaws and E.T., just to name a few. 17) Stephen Colletti, also know at “Ste-phennnn!” was first
daying who on Laguna Beach? 19) This fictional Steve famously said, “Did I do that?” DOWN: 1) In our humble opinion, the best host of Family Feud. 2) Stephen Hillenburg created this popular Nickelodean animated series. 3) Steven Tyler is the lead singer of this band. 7) This famous Stevie sang “Edge of Seventeen.” 8) This Steve is Stone Cold 9) Brothers Alex, Daniel, Wiliam and Stephen.11) Stephen, the “City Surrounded by Gold, is in which state? 13) Blind musician born in Sag-
inaw, Michigan. 15) This Stephen wrote the lyrics for West Side Story. 18) Stephen King’s The Shining has this infamous saying, two words.
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