Volume 5
The Black Sheep
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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 5
#ThankfulUT Cory Chitwood wrote this
What do UT students have to be thankful/not thankful for in 2014? The Black Sheep is here with the run-down, so fellow Vols, this year when you go around the familial table saying what you’re #thankful for, remember these things to be #thankfulUT. The new pedestrian bridge connecting Volunteer Boulevard to The Hill: It’s still not perfect since you still have to walk uphill both ways but hey, at least that big pain in the ass is now a smaller pain in the ass—and that’s something to be thankful for. The Haslams: This family has more money than they know what to do with, so they keep making it rain on UT, and for that, Vols can be thankful. Unfortunately most of that money will be spent on things that will be under construction until the 22nd century. Butch. Effing. Jones: This one requires little explanation—the guy is a recruiting machine, he’s leading us back to the Promised Land, and he’s 2-0 against Steve Spurrier. Suck on that, Steve. That Rumorz no longer exists: That cesspool excuse for a bar was a disgrace to The Strip, so we can be thankful that it will no longer be hosting multitudes of horny, drunk freshmen grinding on each other all over its permanently sticky floors every Thirsty Thursday to Slut-time Sunday. Lil Jon: From supplying UT its third down anthem to visiting Vols football practices, this guy is boosting our street cred. It’s completely reasonable to think that Butch Jones and Lil Jon will be popping bottles together when UT finally hits it big. The women working the registers at the Chick-fil-A in the UC: You either understand this one, or you don’t. Either way, have a good day, baby. On the other hand, our glorious university can’t get everything right, so here are some things not to be thankful for, if you’re against the idea of society pressuring you to be #thankful for everything on one day. Jimmy Cheek: Here’s to the guy who has nothing to say when tuition increases while his salary goes up, or when the state legislature is trying to tell the university what they can and can’t do with students’ fees. But you best damn believe that he’ll save the day once college kids start saying expletives at a football game. Thanks for the brave work, Mr. Chancellor. The NCAA: Before UT Basketball Head Coach Donnie Tyndall could even coach a game, he was hit with some serious
allegations and a pending investigation from the NCAA. UT fans have suffered enough – just give us a break this time. And if they’re not gonna do that they could at least take down John Calipari too. All these damn hills: Yeah, walking up and down these things is a pain – but what sucks the most is that every time you walk up one, it’s just another reminder of how out-of-shape you really are as you gasp for air, like a dying fish when you finally reach Ayres Hall. That big, shiny, new dorm: This one is actually a good thing – but if you’re not a freshman and had to live in one of the older-than-dirt dorms (or another not-so-lucky freshman stuck in the Carricks, Humes, Reese, etc.). Seeing freshmen live so lavishly pisses everyone off. UT Parking Services: Just think, there’s a whole department of people at UT (paid by your tuition dollars) whose only responsibility is to go around and charge already-broke college students for parking in the wrong place. And on this campus, there are more no-parking zones than actual parking zones. The logic is flawless. Go Vols.
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PAGES 10-11
REAL THANKSGIVING HEALTH TIPS FROM A REAL DOCTOR
TOP 10: THANKSGIVING FOODS EQUATED WITH SEC TEAMS
HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING
STAY HEALTHY THIS HOLIDAY SEASON FROM WHO WE SWEAR IS A REAL DOCTOR.
CANNED CRANBERRY SAUCE SUCKS, JUST LIKE THE CRIMSON TIDE.
JUST MEMORIZE THESE ANSWERS AND KEEP TOPPING OFF YOUR WINE.
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WORD of the WEEK
BARTOGRAPHY To produce a map that shows the location of bars in one’s city.
Ryan’s attempt at bartography was noble, but all the bars in his college town were on the same street.
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Developed “Captain’s Reserve” coffee brand.
2
Born in Bothell, Washington.
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Died in 2010.
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AROUND CAMPUS
Real Thanksgiving Health Tips
from a Real Doctor
Austin McLaurine wrote this
Dr. Aus received his “degree” in Advanced Medicine from Saint Henry’s Medical School for Those Less Gifted than Other Doctors. He has since quit his practice to provide America with his “easy advice for a healthy life.” All work by Dr. Aus does not have the support of the government or the FDA. Q: How can I stay healthy during Thanksgiving? Dr. Aus: While it may seem hard to be healthy during this season, you couldn’t be more wrong. I talk to people every day who are blinded by “facts” from medical journals and “Nobel Prizewinning” scientists. Thanksgiving is a time for family and food and alcohol. Your body knows when it’s having a good time and will act accordingly. No extra work should have to be done to work off those calories. There’s a chemical in turkey that makes you sleepy; if you do anything but sleep, you are literally fighting nature. This can be harmful to the body. Most people don’t realize what harmful habits they do to their bodies that they think are good. For instance, drinking water should only be done in small quantities. The amount suggested by “science” is way too much, and as a result will dilute all of the nutrients you’ll be taking in this Thanksgiving. Drink your grandma’s sweeterthan-candy-tea at Thanksgiving (more on sugar later) as an alternative to water. Q: How much exactly is “too much sugar”? Dr. Aus: I get many questions about sugar around Thanksgiving. “Can I have too much sugar?” The short answer is: no. The evidence is fairly obvious: people are given sugar pills as placebos and yet they say they experience positive effects. After some research, I have deduced that sugar is a miracle drug and has many healing properties
BUSY. BUSY. BUSY. BUSY. BUSY. ATTENTION STUDENTS OF
that are yet to be discovered. I suggest that as much sugar as possible be ingested whenever possible, especially this Thanksgiving. Based on my research, one Thanksgiving meal has enough sugar in it to power a city’s electrical services for a day. Harness the untapped power of sugar for yourself by digging in to that sweet potato casserole. Q: How can I get ahead in school during Thanksgiving? Dr. Aus: Since Thanksgiving comes with a few days off from school—and with finals right around the corner—academic-minded students usually get the strange idea to study and do homework when they are at home. This is very bad for their mental health. Using your brain too much draws blood away from your stomach and other parts of the digestive system. When, above, I mentioned an increased caloric intake being acceptable during Thanksgiving, it was working under the assumption one would not be studying. Q: How do I stay healthy after Thanksgiving? Dr. Aus: The magic of Thanksgiving is that you can have it all the time. Christmas comes right after Thanksgiving and practically the same food is eaten. Put yourself in the mindset that it is always Thanksgiving and you will reap the benefits just the same. Dr. Aus has given us only a few of his famed health tips, but you can read many more in his large volumes of books. Although his publisher has dropped him due to accusations from medical authorities that his research is harmful, he wants us to assure you that these claims are completely false.
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Bigoted Relative Mercifully Falls Into Post-Thanksgiving Dinner Food Coma Staff wrote this
The true meaning of Thanksgiving was present this year at the Davis family gathering, where it is reported that the Davis’ had much to be thankful for after bigoted relative Steve Davis fell into a postdinner food coma. Mr. Davis, who fell asleep shortly after consuming two plates of turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, and three glasses of wine, is middle aged, reportedly has a yard sign displayed on his lawn reading, “God Guns and Guts Made My America” and a sticker on the rear windshield of his car showing a dog peeing on the Obama campaign slogan.
make sure everyone knew that he wished people would just shut up about Michael Sam already and that black people should learn “to stop talking jive” if they wanted to be taken seriously. Eye-witnesses from the gathering last year tell The Black Sheep that 2013’s outbursts included racial and homophobic slurs, suspicion with Obama’s role in the attack on Pearl Harbor, and referral to fellow family member Josh Davis’s new fiancée Kim Yuang as “Ms. Oriental.”
Arnold Harlow, brother-in-law to Mr. Davis, explained that “We all noticed that he was eating an unhealthy amount of food, we were all disgusted. But I think I speak for the family when I say that any level of disgust that I had from watching him eat did not rival my disgust for his opinions.”
“I think I speak for the family when I say that any level of disgust that I had from watching him eat did not rival my disgust for his opinions.”
Sources claim that had Mr. Davis not fallen victim to the food coma that subdued him, he would likely have continued loudly interrupting unrelated conversations to
Family member Sadie Davis said, “My name is Sadie and I’m nine. I know what third trimester abortion is because Uncle
Steve told me but my mom says that I’m not allowed to talk about it to my friends.” Even the slightest lull in conversation is reportedly seized by Mr. Davis, who fills the momentary silence with a provocation towards political debate. Topics frequented by Mr. Davis are said to include gun control, abortion, Calvinism, the Civil Rights movement, and proper employment opportunities for women. Documented reactions to Mr. Davis’s outburst include awkward laughter, encouraging children to leave the room, and in unfortunate cases, misguided attempts to offer a moderate opinion to Mr. Davis, which last led to the conclusion that “Hitler wanted to take away our guns, too. And they won’t tell you this in the lamestream media, but all the Nazi officials were gays.” The uncomfortable political onslaught was once again set in motion at this year’s gathering, with Mr. Davis explaining the “myth” of the gender pay gap to 12-yearold Todd Davis. However, through what has been described as, “the greatest blessing that has ever come to our family,” Mr. Davis was rendered incapable of delivering his
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rant as the meal’s dense caloric intake took hold. Attempting to discuss the ambiguity behind “Barack Hussein Obama’s” birth certificate, only a spray of hateless crumbs was produced from Mr. Davis’ oily lips. Several attempts were made by Mr. Davis to continue his speech, but all were
unsuccessful. Mr. Davis, wide-eyed and red in the face, finally succumbed to the coma brought on by his own gluttony. Carl Davis, nephew to Steve Davis and theater major at University of Southern California, tells The Black Sheep, “This was the best Thanksgiving of my life. This might have been the best day of my life.”
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ON THE STREETS What’s one change UT could make that you’d be thankful for this Thanksgiving?
JESSICA “UT Parking. Just change that whole system.”
DAVID “No bras allowed.”
MARY “Replace Jimmy Cheek with a turkey.”
06
HAPPY TURKEY DAY
60 MINUTES:
CHARLIE THE PARDONED TURKEY Scott Hannah wrote this
It wasn’t until Reagan called Charlie up with a request that the aging turkey had something to write about. “The man saved my life; it was kind of hard to say no to him,” the turkey paused, holding back tears. “Public opinion was turning against [Reagan], so he asked me to help distribute crack cocaine to the communities that helped raise me. I had no
Equated with SEC Teams
10.) Cranberry Sauce: This special Thanksgiving side dish goes to the one and only University of Alabama. Cranberry sauce’s slimy texture, tart flavor, and red color perfectly mimic the Crimson Tide. No one likes sore winners, and let’s be honest, does anyone really enjoy the cranberry sauce? 9.) Chicken Breast: Ever heard of the Gamecocks? That’s right, fry them Carolina Gamecocks up this Thanksgiving for a tasty chicken breast. This food, however, is just an afterthought compared to the turkey – kind of like South Carolina compared to the rest of the SEC.
In 1987, Reagan pardoned a young turkey in response to criticism of him pardoning a close friend. That turkey was Charlie. Before him, no turkey had ever experienced this much publicity, and no turkey since has lived a life so full of controversy and public scrutiny. And now for the first time in almost a decade, Charlie is here to talk about the ups and downs of gobbling up the fame in his new book: Gobbling in the Fast Lane.
Sadly for Charlie, the country wasn’t ready for what was really stuffed inside the turkey. “Unfor tunately, Amer ica wanted no part of me, the real me. I couldn’t sell anything: books, screenplays, everything I actually put my heart and soul into got sent back, usually with a request for an autograph. But at that point in my life, I had no story to sell.”
Thanksgiving Foods Thanksgiving may be just another excuse for people to eat themselves into a food coma while watching football, but you don’t mess with tradition. Therefore, The Black Sheep is here to help you relate Thanksgiving food staples with your favorite and most hated sect of football: the SEC!
Every week in November, one turkey gains notoriety nationwide as he’s pardoned by the President of the United States. The bird is spared from the fork and knife and instead lives out his years peacefully on a farm. But where did this all start?
“I’m sure you really just want to know about the drugs and jail and my involvement in Waco, but that would only be half the story, and I want people to know the truth,” Charlie wheezed, setting down a cigarette. “Everyone knows about the talk show appearances and the forced cameos on failing TV shows that happened after the pardoning. People say you’re a star or you’re famous for that? I took a look at myself and realized I wanted no part of it.”
THE TOP TEN
8.) Cornbread: It’s usually bland, dry, and boring. Which is why this one goes to the University of Arkansas. What the hell is more boring than Arkansas? Probably nothing. The Razorbacks are always alright, and that’s it. Kind of like cornbread. It’s okay but it’s never good. After all, no one’s ever said, “Man that cornbread made that meal complete!” That’s because it doesn’t matter – just like U of A. 7.) The Stuffing: Besides the turkey, the Thanksgiving meal is pretty much centered on the stuffing, and since Vanderbilt is located in a central area, it’s only fitting to pair them together. Vanderbilt is smack-dab in the middle of the SEC, and it’s also worth noting that Vanderbilt is constantly getting stuffed on the football field.
income coming in was about to get evicted. I went from having nights when I would go to sleep hungry to attending yacht parties with food from animals that can’t legally be eaten in this country. To this day I can look back and realize exactly when I lost all self-awareness and thought I was above the law. So, naturally, I got caught went to jail.”
“WHEN YOU ROB A BANK ON PCP, YOU MIGHT BE CRAZY FROM THE DRUG, BUT YOU WEREN’T ON THE DRUG WHEN YOU DECIDED TO TAKE IT.” While most would see jail for the prison that it is, Charlie took a different stance: “One of the best things that ever happened to me was getting my plea of rehab rejected and being sent to prison. When you rob a bank on PCP, you might be crazy from the drug, but you weren’t on the drug when you decided to take it. Back then, rehab was a joke. Agents would fast-pass their clients through there, get some papers signed and boom, that celebrity was ‘clean’ again. In prison I learned from the people with real problems. Unfortunately, that’s also where I was introduced to the Branch Davidians.”
“When people know you were in a cult they think you’re crazy,” Charlie relates, “with my connections in the government, the ATF got a hold of me and I told them what I knew. I had friends in there and I didn’t like the path they were going down. After I watched my Waco buddies burning on the news, I nearly drank myself to death. After two DUIs and a second jail stint, I was intent on staying as far away from the limelight as possible.” Slowly, earnestly, with the vigor of a turkey of a much younger feather Charlie committed to change. “I worked at a Bed, Bath and Beyond for twelve years before Penguin Publishing approached me about a book deal. I agreed on the terms that I would get the final say over every last word. All I cared about was letting people know my story from my side of it. And as much as my high school history teacher hated the phrase, that’s how we got to where we are now.” Most of all, Charlie hopes to reach others like him. “There are a million other stories about a million other turkeys,” Charlie chirped with a wizened nod, “but I’m glad you chose to listen to mine. And I hope you enjoy the book.”
6.) Mashed Potatoes: The University of Georgia has a fat, white bulldog as their mascot; what else is white and makes you fat? Mashed potatoes. The potatoes are a big part of the meal, just as UGA is a major player in the SEC. But, like mashed potatoes, nobody would really give a shit if they weren’t around. 5.) Biscuits: The University of Mississippi is located in the heart of the south, so it’s a good bet that they make some damn good biscuits. Their football team has also been straight-up killing it this season, with only two losses so far. So we can only hope this means that their biscuits would be on point as well. However, biscuits are also flaky and soft – just like the history of Ole Miss football. 4.) Some Kind of Casserole: Generally no one enjoys grandma’s surprise casserole and no one likes the University of Florida, so it’s a perfect match. Whether it be green bean, squash, or any other vegetable – if it’s in casserole form, just like with UF football, it can only be so good. What happened to Tebow? Oh right, no one cares. 3.) Turkey and Gravy: It’s almost as good as KFC and gravy. If the University of Kentucky can serve up some of its state’s world famous KFC, just imagine how good their turkey has to be. Dark meat or light meat, it’s sure to be a good time. Nevermind the fact that it was probably made by someone with no teeth. 2.) Ambrosia Salad: This one goes to the University of Missouri since it’s pretty unexpected, just like ambrosia. It’s one of those foods that makes you say “what the hell is that?” – kind of like when Missouri joined the SEC. 1.) Pumpkin Pie: What SEC school has that wonderful shade of gaudy orange as their color? You got it, good ole Rocky Top Tennessee. UT is also back in the football world hunting for sweet, sweet vengeance with Butch Jones, and what’s sweeter than a big piece of pumpkin pie?
Alex Harward wrote this
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A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE
HOW TO AVOID THE
WORST
QUESTIONS
YOU’LL BE ASKED AT
THANKSGIVING KATELIN HOWELL WROTE THIS
hanksgiving is a special holiday that brings the whole family together to celebrate football, eating and being thankful for all the things we have in our lives. Thanksgiving is also a time when family members you see maybe twice a year ask college students the “typical” college questions. The Black Sheep brings you the most typical questions you hear around the smorgasbord of food, and how to walk the line with your response. Remember, you’re not lying, you’re just telling a modified truth.
Question: “Are you seeing anyone special?” Who’s Asking It: Your aunt on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: Closed-minded family members are worried you’re gay until you get married. What You Should Say: “You know, I’m just so busy with classes that it seems almost impossible to make time for a significant other. I barely have time to make time for myself, let alone someone else.” What You Really Mean: “It takes too much effort to impress someone of the opposite sex at 8 a.m., and that’s just something I can’t handle on a daily basis. The closest relationship I have right now is with Netflix.”
Question: “Are you working at all?” Who’s Asking It: Your uncle on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: Your family wants you to have real-life experiences instead of just going to classes. What You Should Say: “School is really my full-time job, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had some jobs here and there to get some spending money, but I definitely need to focus on my schoolwork more.” What You Really Mean: ”If someone would be willing to hire me for the 90 minutes between me getting home for class and me heading out to hang out with friends, I’d have a job.”
Question: “How are things in that fraternity/sorority of yours?” Who’s Asking It: Your aunt who was in a sorority during her college years. Why It’s Asked: Greek life was different back in the day, but they don’t realize that. What You Should Say: “It’s great! I’ve met a lot of people through philanthropy parties and mixers and I’ve really enjoyed that aspect of it.” What You Really Mean: “Yes, I’ve met a lot of people but I was drunk 98 percent of the time, so I wouldn’t be able to point them out if they were in this room with us right now.”
Question: “How’s that 4.0 coming?” Who’s Asking It: Your 25-year-old cousin who just graduated from law school. Why It’s Asked: Because it’s actually important to get good grades. What You Should Say: “Oh, it’s going really well. I’m working really hard to keep up the As. One day you’ll be working for me!” What You Really Mean: *Uncontrollable laughter* “You’re kidding, right?”
Question: “What do you want to do with an [insert major here] degree?” Who’s Asking It: Your grandmother on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: Life was simpler in the olden days and they can’t imagine how an apparel studies major is a real thing. What You Should Say: “I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’d like to achieve with this degree, but as graduation draws near I’m sure the classes I’ll be taking will prepare me for exactly what I want out of the path I’ve chosen.” What You Really Mean: “Honestly I have no idea what the hell I want to do. Hopefully something here will point me in the right direction. I’ll take whatever job I’m lucky enough to get after I graduate. Can you believe apparel studies is a thing?”
Question: “You’re not getting into all those drugs now, right?” Who’s Asking It: A different uncle on your dad’s side. With a wink. Why It’s Asked: Because they remember college in the 80s. What You Can Say: “I’ve been to parties where there have been drugs around. They way people act while on drugs looks so crazy, I don’t know how people do it regularly.” What You Really Mean: “I’ve done drugs at some of those parties and I act just as crazy as everyone else. Once, I woke up in our school’s fountain in the middle of campus with no pants. I have no idea how I got there. I actually don’t know how people do it regularly.”
Question: “How was the…” *another family member interrupts you* “What a cock-block, am I right?” Who’s Asking It: Your 54-year-old uncle on your mom’s side who tries to act like he’s 19. Why It’s Asked: You’re not really sure what just happened here. What You Should Say: “I’m sorry, what were you gonna say?” What You Really Mean: “What… um… I’m sorry, did you just say cock-block to me?”
Question: “What has been your favorite experience at college so far?” Who’s Asking It: Your dad. Why It’s Asked: This is a trick question to see what kinds of activities you’ve been up to. What You Should Say: “Meeting people who share the same interests as me has been great. I love hanging out with people who accept me and who like to do the same things as me.” What You Really Mean: “Meeting people like me who like to party like me and get as drunk as me. That’s been my favorite experience so far.”
Question: “What are parties like in college?” Who’s Asking It: Your 14-year-old cousin who looks up to you. Why It’s Asked: Little ones are curious about everything. What You Should Say: “They’re not like what you see in the movies. People don’t pass out on the roof and get wild until 4 a.m. Don’t believe everything you see.” What You Really Mean: “It’s a rarity for someone to make it to the roof before they pass out. I did see a girl throw up in her own hair at a Halloween party though, and it wasn’t because she ate too much candy.”
Question: “How are you feeling about the economy? Did you vote in the midterm election?” Who’s Asking It: Your Democratic uncle on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: Because you are the future. What You Can Say: “I really think our economy needs some help, but Obama is doing the best he can in his position. But no, I did not vote in the midterm election because I felt like I didn’t have enough knowledge on the candidates in my state.” What You Really Mean: “I really hate everything about politics, but I don’t want to go into a four-hour discussion with you on something that I don’t care about.”
Question: “Have you found a church at your school?” Who’s Asking It: Your very conservative grandmother on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: If you don’t go to church while in college, according to your conservative grandmother, you’re going to hell. What You Should Say: “There are lots of churches around campus, but usually I spend my Sunday mornings studying or catching up on some sleep.” What You Really Mean: “I usually rage too hard Saturday night so I physically can’t get out of bed before 1 p.m.”
Question: “You better graduate on time! Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.” Who’s Asking It: Your grandfather on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: You’re making your parents poor, and they keep asking your grandparents for money. He’s pissed about it. What You Should Say: “I definitely know how expensive it is! I love college though. It’s been a great experience and it’s going to be really hard leaving it one day.” What You Really Mean: “I’m literally never going to leave college ever.”
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: In a relationship • Major: Nutrition Favorite Drink: Maker’s and Sprite • Favorite Shot: RumChata Disgusting Drink: Gin and tonic What alcohol would be best to spike gravy with?: Tequila, because you’d probably see a different side of your family. Which Thanksgiving dinner staple needs to be replaced, and with what?: Cranberry sauce, and with cranberry bread. What do you most like to gobble?: A Reese’s Blast. Three words to describe UT’s basketball season: A new beginning. What’s your favorite rumor about Knoxville that you’ve heard?: That we’re the STD capitol of the US. Which fictional character do you most wish was real?: Stewie from Family Guy, because it’d be fun to hang out with him.
JAZZ of GOAL POST TAVERN THE DRINKING GAME
Would you like a lawyer, or should we just continue?: Continue. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because now I’m in it!
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
DEALING WITH FAMILY
THE FINAL POTLUCK
So, you’re a big shot frat star who challenges everyone he meets to outdrink him? Fret not, because your family is rounding up the troops for Thanksgiving – why not give your old greatgrandmother’s liver a run for her money?
With Thanksgiving approaching, it’s time to start training your stomach by stretching it as wide as you possibly can. Before you leave your apartment for the week, it’s time to utilize what’s left in your fridge to whip up one last masterpiece. You don’t want to come back to a fridge of expired perishables, do you? No. No you don’t.
What You’ll Need: As many boxes of wine as you can fit in your trunk. Number of Players: You and your whole stinkin’ family. If you’re one of those families who can get more than just your immediate relatives together for a holiday, shit’s about to get real. Level of Intoxication: Enough to not be able to distinguish between your aunt and your girlfriend. How to Play: Take a drink when: - A family member asks if you’re dating someone. - Somebody falls asleep after dinner. - Somebody sneaks the dog some food. - You talk to someone in your “family” you’ve never met before. - Your bratty sister fights over who’s breaking the wishbone. - You hear Christmas music. - Your grandma starts singing Christmas music. - Someone makes a cheeky joke about starting a diet “right after this meal.”
What You’ll Need: Every edible thing left in your apartment. Wouldn’t want it to go to waste, think of the starving children in Greenland. Fatty Factor: What you don’t know can’t hurt you. Let’s Get Baked: - Slam some bread down on a plate. Don’t worry if there’s mold – it adds character, texture and flavor. - Microwave those leftover frozen vegetables you bought because you “were being healthy” but never glanced at. - Just slab your leftover dairy and deli products onto the bread. Hold your breath when the spoiled milk comes into play. - Grab that old bag of chips you have from the beginning of the semester and sprinkle them on top, because spices are for those fancy-schmancy high class folk. - Close your eyes, take a big bite, and pray to god you don’t get food poisoning.
The Game Ends When: Everybody passes out from food or alcohol, and the creeping thought of hightailing it back to campus finally kicks in.
If you can stomach the whole thing, hopefully it doesn’t come back out in an hour. Chances are 70% of the shit between those slices of bread is expired, so prayers to you, friend. Be thankful that your body doesn’t hate you as much as you hate it.
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The Best Booze to Mix this Thanksgiving
April is almost over, which means the end of spring semester is nigh. But, before that glorious day, students must get past one last hurdle: final exams. Now why in the world would anyone want to read an article about finals? Well, this isn’t really an article about finals at all; in fact, it’s very much about avoiding anything to do with finals at all costs. Seems right up your alley.
Since you’re not going to be productive – again, you’re not studying for finals-- you have to find a way to pass the time. Hell, you’ve procrastinated your way through every semester up until now and you’ve done just fine…kind of. Remember, your parents don’t want you to succumb to peer pressure, and just because everyone is doing it, (studying) that doesn’t mean you have to do it too. Classes are over, which means you need to get your ass to a party, pronto. You’ve made it a whole semester filled with studying, stupid group projects and essays galore, and now it’s time to treat yourself with a party full of beer, music, dancing and denying you still have responsibilities. And think about how awesome everything is going to be: Volapalooza and Fort Sanders Fest will be this weekend, and even if you think Volapalooza will be lame, what with Tyga’s “Rack City” failing to dump those tens and twenties on your titties, think of all the amazing after parties that you could crash. Between classes and finals all signs point to partying. If you aren’t a partier there are plenty things for you to do as well, so you don’t skip straight to studying just because you don’t think we can talk you into doing something that’s both fun and alcohol-free; we made a deal, no studying, dammit. For instance, you could catch up on a lot of TV. You know those mutant friends who are somehow able to keep up with all their schoolwork while spending hours upon hours keeping up with all their shows. We know they suck, but now
everyone had the opportunity to go somewhere super-awesome for As your family coos over thewill new baby that spring break, and many of those who lost out on the opportunity chose totells have some ungodly go on a nice vacation following finals.your Sincesister our society usfor that reason,without you act afast. You have many options, it’s just not right for you to go to the beach proper set of so you’ll have to choose wisely. The Black Sheep abs or flat stomach bared proudly, head to the gym and do some is generous, so here are our takes on the best cardio, work on abs, check out the opposite sex, and swim… and by types of alcohol to add to the gravy — not that “swim” we mean “tan by the pool.“ we would ever condone that type of thing.
your clothes fall off. On second thought, maybe you should save this option for your friends — no one wants to see grandma stripping and singing, “I’m too sexy for my cardigan.”
Fireball: This is everyone’s new favorite drink. Add a few shots of it to the gravy and your day is sure to get turnt. Cinnamon gravy will be interesting, but it’ll be an adventure for everyone. Either your family will play the most hilarious game of Apples to Apples after binging on the gravy, or you’ll all be dead from the antifreeze in the alcohol by the end of the night.
PAGE 13 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
It’s that time of year again — time to go home to the family that you hate and attempt to stomach their poor excuse of a Thanksgiving dinner. The second you arrive home, you’re TBS STaFF WroTe THIS already missing the comforts of UTK: your friends who know howthey to have a good time, the is the perfect time to catch up on all those amazing shows keep horrible food, of thethrones. bar scene,Or, and the copious talking about like breaking bad, mad men andcaf game of alcohol you consume you could just choose to catch up withamounts the Kardashians. Should youweekly — hell, daily. Thesefree fondof memories choose to go this route, we’ll send you a noose charge, give you you an idea: put the alcohol you’d usually be drinking into know what to do. your mother’s gravy. It’s the perfect way to ride that buzz while your hitsyou on his son’s new Or, if you’re looking far enough ahead (remember, pastuncle finals) girlfriend. could coax yourself into the gym to work on your summer bod. Not
Peach schnapps: Or any schnapps flavor for that matter. The subtle flavor will blend in with the taste of the gravy, and just like with the vodka option, your family will be unaware that they are getting buzzed off of the dressing.
Rum: No one’s favorite alcohol, your parents will have plenty of this in the back of the pantry. Pick And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Man, I really need to start studyVodka: As it’s virtually tasteless in gravy, you can the least horrible-tasting one and pour half of ing,” stop. Have you forgotten you also need to catch up with the bottle in! Add some Coke too and you’ll have add as much as you want and watch the hilarity friends? How many times did you blow off your friends because ensue. This is foolproof unless you’re stuck with a delicious rum and Coke chicken gravy. Mmm! you had to do schoolwork instead? Is it more than zero? This is your something awful like UV. Then they’ll know it’s It may be unconventional, but once your family chance to reconnect with your friends and go on awesome im- bottle in and members make it to their third plate, they’ll be in there, so some just dump the whole promptu adventures. Go on a safari through the shady KnoxWhatever do, it’stomore important than studying. Especially if it addicted this new gravy flavor. hope it doesn’t turnside blue.of Vodka is a surefire way you ville, or have a “who can take the longest nap” contest in Hodges. to turn the party around and get yourstarts familywith in “chicken” and ends with “carbonara” Either way, it’ll be a whimsical adventure to mood. a faraway land where By the end of the night, your family will be a giggly finals don’t exist and there’s nary a care in the world, besides gang Listen, thesewasted life experiences teach you good as much -- nary, more!— and you’ll becan feeling pretty about violence and night terrors. than any classroom setting can. If throw you and Leslie hadn’t gotten is until you up because Tequila: Sure, people might catch on to the yourself. That shitfaced thatoption party,and how would youmade choseout the at vodka added theyou full have learned fact that there’s something in the gravy, but and Or pamper yourself by taking the time to smothering eat good food, because about sexism in modern America? Didn’t twelve-hour nap teach half-gal. You may regret it in thethat morning, but after their food with it, they’re sure your poor body has been living on Taco Bell and everyof gravy youoff a lot your circadian rhythm? Or what about the cooking, everyone will have that hilarious story about to forget. You’llCook-Out be doing shots of about drunken night. Reward yourself with ananyone actualwho meal. You don’t cook? who(your needs ayour degree when a fry guy at McDonalds? heroics andyou howcan youwork savedas Thanksgiving isn’t a member of your family Well, learn. Go on the internet and type “food recipe, and plz going lol,” balls-to-theScrew studying, there’sthe a boring whole affair new world out athere from being that leaves bad for you right sister’sinfiancé perhaps?) Google may not get the last half of it,wall. but There’s the first part isthey a shoe-in. now! a reason say that tequila makes taste in the mouth, just like every year previous.
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FAMOUS TOMS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 1) Tom Ford is famous for the turnaround of which fashion company? 3) Tommy Pickles is a character on which Nickelodeon show? 4) Tom Anderson was your first friend on this social networking site. 8) Tom Hanks won his first Academy Award for his role in which film? 9) THOMAS is a database in the United State Congress of what kind of information? 10) The 3rd President of the United States, Thomas who? 11) The 4th album by The Who. 15) Jean Ralphio’s friend Tom in Parks and Recreation. 16) Rotten Tomatoes is a website devoted to what? (two words) 18) Tom Arnold is famous for being married to who? 19) Tom Cruise’s real last name is this.
5) Tom Riddle is which character in Harry Potter? 6) Tom Petty's band. 7) This Thomas is a famous painter from the 1700s. 12) Tom Yorke is the lead singer of this band. 13) Perhaps Mark Twain’s most famous character, two words. 14) This Thomas invented the light bulb, amongst many other things. 17) A popular company, owned by Entenmann’s, that makes English muffins.
DOWN: 2) Tom and Jerry is a show based on what two animals? 4) Tom Brady played football for which university?
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SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
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