The Black Sheep
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Vol. 3, Issue 5
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
eaw free. ay w ..lik e’r e the ed oin $100 go 0 np age 25!
9/19/13 - 9/25/13
Fantasy Football: A Tweaker’s Tale
BY: Austin McLaurine It’s been a long time since the Super Bowl, and I have to say, it’s been rough. Without football happening every Sunday, Monday, and Thursday, there hasn’t been anything quite as strong as fantasy football to occupy myself in the meantime. I spent a good portion of the summer in my basement making a mock league so I could practice for when football came back. As a result, my skin tone was a shade lighter and my eyes still haven’t adjusted to the sun. Even though I was the only one playing in the mock league, I still managed to lose. Allegedly, I tried to burn the house down out of anger and my parents sent me upstate to spend the rest of the summer with my grandparents. The traces of gasoline they found were purely coincidental. Now that the regular season has started and most of the withdrawal symptoms have passed, life has gotten a little bit easier. It’s sometimes hard to block out the so-called friends who say “Seven teams is just too many teams to manage at once, bro,” and “It’s unhealthy how much you watch ESPN,” but football is back! I don’t have a fantasy football problem, other people just don’t understand me. I have already accrued somewhat of a debt two weeks in. But that’s alright, I still have the rest of the season to make up for the loss so I can pay the extremely nice guys who are waiting patiently for me to do so. I managed this little snag by leaving for class two hours early (giving me plenty of time to plan for the next week!) and only navigating where there are streetlights, so that I don’t accidently run into my debtors before I make my big win. It has made sitting in those large lecture halls in Alumni Memorial Building a little unnerving. What if someone wants to sabotage my team? What if they know my passwords? No one can be trusted, which is why I have shunned all of my friends, at least until the season is over. Most days seem to be unending, but always start with me waking up in a gutter behind the abandoned McCallister’s on The Strip. This isn’t a problem, because it means I am able to quickly get breakfast and spend a few hours working on my lineup. Every time I walk past Neyland Stadium, the name “Peyton Manning” starts to pulsate in my mind as I become overcome with visions of football. This makes navigating campus particularly difficult, so most of the time I just stay in my dorm. The few times I do manage to make it to class I spend it watching football with the speakers muted. My parents have contacted me numerous times about trying to get me help, but most of the phone calls end in me having an argument with my dad about which of two defenses to pick up. It won’t matter too much if I end up failing out of my classes since that will just give me more time to devote to the league. My friends continually try to get me to take a break and lay off of fantasy football for a while. That would be ridiculous! It’s my life and I should be able to choose to spend it in front of a computer drafting fake, real players. No matter how many times the campus psychiatrist tells me I should visit an institution, I will keep logging on for some sweet fantasy football action.
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Bangin’ on Rocky Top
Song of the Swamp
Bartender of the week
We know that some of you have questions, and we’re here to give answers to that crucial subject.
It’s time to take our Volunteer asses down to the Swamp and show those gators a think or two about football! And hygiene.
Want to slay dragons? Own a pound of puppies? Then go to Barley’s Taproom, because Jacob is the bartender for you
• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheeputk• theblacksheeponline.com •
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Meet the Staff <<
campus manager Austin Owen
campus director Quinn Myers
Editorial manager Emily Hagenburger
owner Atish Doshi
Advertising Managers Alyssa Watson
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Writers Mary Moss, Katie Vaughn Birdii Haumschild, Austin McLaurine
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Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
Distribution manager Kelley Rieder Social media manager James Ballard
This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.
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Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheepUTK #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
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An extended period in an academic year that rains down unnecessary school work onto a college student. “October’s my behemonth, man; I have 6 papers and 4 tests in a 3-week span.”
of the
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheepUTK First right answer wins a prize!
Last Week’s Answer: Wisconsin’s Bucky the Badger
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheepUTK and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Dense literary Jester has a brief interview with this hideous claymation man and his pup.
Last Week’s Answer: Harrison Ford Falcon
BUY ONE PIERCING, GET ONE PIERCING FREE! 25% OFF ANY TATTOO OVER $100 (WITH COLLEGE ID) LOCATED 1.5 MILES FROM CAMPUS HEALTH DEPARTMENT SCORE IS ALWAYS 100! 3405 Chapman Hwy., Knoxville | (865) 247-5678 | fb.com/HARDKNOXTATTOO
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Bangin’ on rocky top By: Birdii Haumschild The Black Sheep is concerned for our fellow students, we want them to succeed in all their collegiate endeavors. The most important of these being the three S’s: school, social life, and, of course, sex. We decided that in order to share our considerable expertise with the rest of campus, we would have you guys send us some questions to real-life problems! Q: Is being a virgin in college really as lame as people make it out to be? Will girls laugh in my face if I tell them I haven’t done it yet? A: Good question, anonymous student. It’s very brave of you to admit that you haven’t had the pleasure of hanky panky yet in your collegiate years. As to the problem of being lame…yes, you probably are. But that doesn’t mean you have, to stay that way! If there’s anything John Hughes movies have taught us, it’s that they wore weird clothes in the 80s and you’re immediately considered a sex god if you can show your friends that you have a pair of girls panties. So this is really an easy fix! If anybody doubts your loss of virginity, just pop on over to Sears and buy a lacy pair of lady undies. Bam, nobody will doubt you again and you can fake it ‘til you make it!
Q: Where’s the weirdest, sexiest place on campus to do it? A: We’ve put a lot of thought into this and decided that while everyone’s dream to get dirty on the field in Neyland, that may be the most difficult place to sneak in to, and somebody catching you will totally ruin the mood. You’re safer to go into one of the buildings that are gross and hardly ever used, like Estabrook or Jessie Harris. If there’s a class going on next door that can hear you doing it, they’ll just think there are some kinky ghosts in the old building getting it on. Q: What’s the kinkiest thing you can do in the bedroom? A: We’ve been very thorough in our research to answer this question best we could. What has been surmised is... It’s all up to you. You may be the type to walk into a bedroom decked out in a leather Batman suit with all the essential “tools” hanging from your utility belt. Just make sure the safeword isn’t “GO VOLS!” because we all know those words are holy, and in Knoxville normally shouted postsex. But if your boat doesn’t float that way, maybe the lazy river ride is more your speed. Though the ride may include anything you want, such as
y r e v E ic riday! s u M Live ay and F d s r u h T
Join us every Tuesday for agave azul’s ladies night Drinks from $3.85 to $4.50 • Tequila Tasting with Reservation
4405 Kingston Pike • Knoxville, TN • agaveazulmexicangrill.com
biting, clawing, and maybe a nice pair of orange fuzzy handcuffs. Q: My bro told me that if the girls on top, then she can’t get pregnant because of gravity. That true? A: Kindly inform your friend that he and his future offspring are going to be the end of modern civilization. Proceed to hit him with your English Composition textbook. You will be a hero. There has been this crazy story going around for a while now
that there are these magical wraps that can snugly fit around your man junk that can actually stop a bun from appearing in the so called oven. There are tales of these magic tools being available at the UT Student Health Center... But don’t forget that magic P word to say to the nurses... “Please.” Good luck out there Vols, and remember, though you may meet a loose girl from Florida this weekend, even the thickest of condoms won’t prevent that swamp from infiltrating your immune system.
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B e G GAMES Th IN K IN R D | PECIALS | BAR S ARTICLES
The
Top
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Judgment-Free Workout Spots By: katie vaughn
Going to the T-REC is stressful on not only your body but your mental stability as well. You are in constant “do they see me struggling?” mode. You think, “Is he really trying to go up one more level than me?” “Does she need to wear a bra and spandex to run on the elliptical?” If someone isn’t making fun of you, they’re secretly trying to one-up your workout without you knowing. If you’ve had enough, here are the top ten places you can get your sweat on without anyone judging.
Song of the swamp By: UTK Staff Sometimes it doesn’t really seem like we’re all from the SEC You just can’t pretend there are gross gators living in Tennessee It’s like every other September, the smell ‘round here gets a little fouler Some large and smelly amphibians make Neyland Stadium stink for hours They get their slime and grime on everything they touch It can get slippery for our Vols to make it in the clutch But unfortunately it’s time for us to pay the swamp a visit To smell the stank of losers eating frog legs with their biscuits It’s the lower Alabama that plays in swamp water and dirt Filled with clusters of tourists and tacky Hawaiian shirts
10.) Run around The Hill: This is the least best place for two reasons. One, people who run outside are asking to be judged because as soon as they slow down everyone knows they’re a pussy. Second, the entire campus is a hill, why pick the worst spot? 9.) Swim laps at the Highland Terrace pool: Up until writing this piece, Highland Terrace Pool has been a secretive spot. Instead of swimming laps at the T-REC where people actually take time out of their lives to swim, go to the sketch pool in The Fort where there is absolutely no judging allowed. 8.) Work it out with your dog: If you’re seen running around downtown Knoxville with your pup it looks legit because not only are you cooler for having a dog, but here you are taking it out and exercising with it! Plus, if and when they stop to smell or poop on various bushes you have time to catch your breath. 7.) DANCE: We know, you’re past the Rumorz stage in your life. You’re sick of having random men come up behind you and rub their groin all over your backside. But, if you go to the bar with intensions of breaking a sweat on the dance floor, not only will no man willingly come up to your crazy, sweaty flailing body, but you’ll get your cardio in for the day. 6.) Workout tapes at home: There are a million workout tapes to use right in the comfort of your own apartment. Pop in a DVD of Insanity for a half hour and you’ll have completed a workout that will last you a month. Your neighbors might think there’s either an elephant next door or a crazy porn being shot, but at least you’ll look fantastic. 5.) Wear heels out on The Strip: If you haven’t tried this yet, you should really start comparing your bullshit workout to pumps for the entirety of a night out. By the time you’re home you’ll vow to never put your feet through such pain ever again… but then again your calves look amazeballs. And guys, this is your chance to try on a pair of heels, “Yeah dude, totally just trying to get a sick calf workout tonight. Don’t worry about me.”
Boys with tanned chests chasing after our good-looking bitches Never trust anyone who tries to get it in down in the ditches If you watch one gator play with another, they only grab with their mouth Florida’s not a place of southern pride, it’s just the Dirty Sanchez South Watch closely and you’ll see them get hard our Vols drive into the zone They touch and sack each other all day but they still feel alone They spill their gator juices all over to prove they’re the worst fans Our Orange stays strong against the blue in the stands We check the turf for STDs the second the game is over Hidden in the sweaty threads of jorts they try to conceal their creepy boners Maybe they just get lonely because the state is full of old people Or maybe it’s just hard to get ass when your dick looks like a needle They try to rock us like a hurricane but cry like babies in the night It’s just all talk from an illiterate state that always tries to start a fight
4.) Walk to class, fatass: Take the long route all the way to the Communications Building and you’ll feel 100 times better about yourself. Conquering all the hills, dodging all the students, climbing through construction site and beating the clock before class starts sounds like a workout to us.
You think they’d all be happy coming from the Sunshine State But everything with a lick of sense is seen as an enemy - gator bait
3.) Be a good friend: We all have those friends who randomly take off when everyone’s out drinking. You usually let them go, since they usually end up somewhere still in the Knoxville area. Next time, follow their ass! Drunk people tend to be darters, and you could use the run.
The Gators are so full of shit, their butts can get concussions What a shame it must be to have parents that are first cousins Some may say we’re jealous, some may call us haters Truth is it’s better to lose by 50 than to ever be a Gator No matter home or away, we will continue to fight the good fight We will endure the incestuous swamp because we’re Vols for life
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2.) Lift them groceries: Take the opportunity to do some curl ups with your bag full of ramen and canned goods while climbing up to your apartment. You might only buy groceries once a month, but hey, you’ll thank yourself when the girl next door sees your Michelle Obama-worthy arms. 1.) Stay the whole time at the football game: Standing at a noon-kickoff UT football game is basically the equivalent to running a 5K in the Sahara desert. Sweat and alcohol will flow out of your body like a river, which is more than you can say about your 18 minutes on the first floor elliptical in T-REC.
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets How hard have you laughed at someone else’s misfortune? ior Briggs, Sen
“Back in high school track, one of the other hurdle jumpers caught their foot and face planted. I was on the sideline and I just fell down laughing.”
h o m o re Lindsey, Sop
“I was at a party and saw this girl I didn’t like, and her boyfriend was breaking up with her. The drink I had spilled out of my mouth because I couldn’t stop laughing.”
r Jamie, Senio
“I was trying to take this girl home, but she feel down on her face, too drunk, ya know? I just walked away laughing because she thought I was gonna hang after that.”
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If you don’t start following us...
YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
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The Grid
BLACKSTOCK FRIDAY: Hymn For Her, 10pm
THURSDAY! Ill.Gates, MitiS w/ Kicks N Licks w/ J Mo and Khaos, 9pm
SUN: NFL Football Package! Watch your favorite team here and enjoy $0.50 wings all day, $2 bottles and drafts all day and $5 double wells!
Live Music
The Fritz, 10pm Half-Off Bottles of Wine Until 10 pm
Ill.Gates, MitiS w/ Kicks N Licks w/ J Mo and Khaos 9pm
$2 Domestic Bottles, $0.50 Wings Thursday Night Football Package
Friday 9/20
Live Music
Hymn For Her, 10pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
$2.50 20oz Miller Lite and Shiner Bock Drafts
Saturday 9/21
Karaoke until 3am!
Casey James Prestwood and The Burning Angels, 10PM
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
It’s Football Time!! $2.50 20oz Yuengling and Bud Light Drafts NFL Football Package! Watch your favorite team here and enjoy $0.50 wings all day, $2 bottles and drafts all day and $5 double wells!
Tuesday: Ladies Night! Drinks are $3.85-$4.50 Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Thursday 9/19
SPECIAL NIGHT
Sunday 9/22
$2.50 Kids Meals
3-Star Jubilee, 8pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
Monday 9/23
Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Dirty Bourbon River Show, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
$5.50 Domestic Pitchers, $0.50 Wings Monday Night Football Drink Specials!
Tuesday 9/24
Ladies Night! Drinks are $3.85-$4.50 Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Humming House, 10pm Half Price Pint Night
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
$2 Domestic Drafts, Team Trivia at 9pm, Drink Specials During and After
Wednesday 9/25
Taco Night! $1.75 Tacos Tequila Tasting with Reservation
Live Team Trivia - 8pm Miss Tess and The Talkbacks, 10pm
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com/blackstocklive
Pint Night! $2 All Drafts, Whiskey Wednesday Specials
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Grid
WEDNESDAY! WINE NIGHT! Half off all bottles and $4 glasses of house wine
TUESDAYs and Wednesdays: All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
WEDNESDAY: Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
Knoxville’s Home for Music and Comedy! $4 Shots All Day, Every Day
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour 11-8: Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margarita, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$2 Night! Jazz from 6-9, DJ Rain 9-close $2 Pinnacle Drinks, Domestic Beers and Draft Beers
Large 3 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Half Off Drafts after 9pm
Yawpers, Brent Thompson, 9pm Bartender’s Choice Drink Specials
Thursday 9/19
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
Best Happy Hour Downtown! 11am-7pm DJ and Dancing 9-close No cover + food and drink specials! NFL Ticket DirecTV!
Large Supreme or Veggie Supreme Pizza $14.99 + Tax
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
Best Brunch Downtown! 10am 4pm, Happy Hour 11am - 7pm DJ and Dancing 9-close NFL Ticket DirecTV! Game Days: $6 Pitchers of Yuengling or Bud Light, $2 Pints until 5pm or end of the game
Large Meatzaria or Veggie Pizza $12.99 + Tax
Happy Hour 11-8 & $7.50 Domestic Pitcher (11 to 8), $10 Specialty Pizza, $0.75 wings, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $5.99 Nachos Sunday Night is College Night!
Best Brunch Downtown!: 10am - 4pm $5 Bloody Marys, $3 Mimosas $12 Domestic Buckets of Beer, $3 Aluminum Pints
Large 2 Topping Pizza $11.99 + Tax
Triva Starts at 8pm Brunch 10:30am - 3pm
Knoxville Poetry Slam 7pm - 9pm, Free! Half Price Food All Day!!!
Sunday 9/22
Greek Night! Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Best Happy Hour Downtown! 11am-7pm: Half off well liquors and domestic beers, $1 off speciality beers Monday Night Football! $12 Domestic Buckets of Beer, $3 Aluminum Pints
Large 1 Topping Pizza + Breadsticks $10.99 + Tax
Last Monday of Every Month: 5 Course Beer Dinner
Comedy Con Queso Open Mic Comedy, 9pm, FREE $2 Drafts, $4 Shots, Free Queso
Monday 9/23
Large Windy City Pizza $11.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
$2 Drafts
Einstein Simplified Uncut Improv Show, 8pm, FREE! Cocktail Napkin Chronicles, 10pm, FREE!
Tuesday 9/24
Any Medium Pizza $10.99 + Tax All You Can Eat Buffet 11am - 2pm, $6.99
Half Price Bottles of Wine All Day Until 10PM
National Comic Shane Mauss, 8pm, $8 Mal Nombre, 10pm, Free! $2 Yuengling with Student ID
Wednesday 9/25
Wine Down Wednesday
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pmClose: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
WINE NIGHT! Half off all bottles and $4 glasses of house wine
$4 Shots
Come in and watch the game on our big screens!
WUTK Fire on the Mountain presents Bliss On Tap, Lingo, 3 Tree, 9pm $4 Shots
Saturday 9/21
Happy Hour 11-8 Best Happy Hour Downtown! 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts 11am-7pm $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY Half off well liquors and domestic 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps beers, $1 off speciality beers
Try any of our 30 craft beers on tap!
Knockdown Dragouts, Quartjar, Hotshot Freight Train, 9pm
Friday 9/20
Everyday: Happy hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
The Black Sheep Peruses
the Fall TV Schedule Don’t know about you, but we couldn’t be more excited for fall’s upcoming television series. TV, being a medium of propriety and constant self-improvement, has only continued to become more and more respected in the eyes of the public. And, really, it couldn’t be more important to us: sharing with you some of the best of what fall has to offer. Oh, this is so exhilarating! But enough of our gushing, this TV isn’t gonna watch itself! Now, let’s sit back and learn about what’s on the ol’ boob tube this fall…
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Master Chef Junior (Friday, Sep. 27 at 8/7c on Fox) W-well okay. So, to start we have a show starring Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of children. Sounds like-well, it certainly sounds like an idea. Like Barney but with more chronic heartburn. Who is this show for? Kids? Probably not. Kids hate old British dudes. Adults? Probably not. Adults hate Gordon Ramsay. It’d be a lie to say that the show isn’t intriguing from a distance, however. What tools will Ramsay supply the kids with? Like, are the kids rationed out Easy-Bakes or are there really sharp knives everywhere or does Ramsay just not give a fuck? Has his culinary expertise actually caused him to acquire a taste for human flesh? Oh, God that would be such a delicious twist. It’s not going to happen, ‘cause “parent groups” and whatever. It’s also doubtful this series would be able to pull such a move with any dramatic tact whatsoever. What a shame. We were hoping the first show would really knock it out of the park. Oh, well. Let’s see what’s next.
By: Kevin Wise
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Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sep. 9 at 8/7c on NBC) Huh. A game show. Okay, we’ll give this one a shot. Actually, the internet tells us this one already premiered. And no one liked it. Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t because it was poorly made (although, certain technical problems suggest otherwise), but because it was too confusing. So, before we put on out basket hats and march into town, pitchforks ablaze, let’s see what the show’s website has to say for itself:
The story of several young people from around the world who represent the next stage in human evolution, possessing special powers, including the ability to teleport and communicate with each other telepathically. Together they work to defeat the forces of evil. – IMDB
Oh, okay. It’s in an hourglass. Cute. Wait, what does this even mean? The people in the MONEY CHAIR get money while they’re in the chair; that makes sense. But how long do they have to be there? Just the hour, right? For as long as the show is actually broadcast? And they’re just being asked random trivia? Like every quiz show ever? Could this just be called Quiz and no one would be the wiser? But they kidnap the people that win. And make them “survive” next to a giant hourglass in the middle of the city. That’s what makes it different? What the fuck is going on here?
Wait a minute. This sounds exactly like the movie Chronicle. And every X-Men thing ever. And Carrie. Is this what happens when CW tries to go toe-to-toe with ABC? Is this a response to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, good job with that one, as it’s clear The Tomorrow People set out on cancelling Agents’ banality with its own. Oh. Oh! You think Agents might be rad? Quickly, recite your favorite superheroes from the past Marvel movies. Was it Hawkeye, the dude who uses a bow? What about Black Widow, the lady who kills people by being all sexy? The guy who collected Captain America trading cards? Did you like him? Well, then…yeah, you might dig Agents. God, what is with these shows, though? We just wanted a fun fall season. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spunk? Hopefully in the next few shows. We’re not sure we can take much more of this.
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Dracula (Friday, Oct. 25 at 10/9c on NBC) Ugh. Vampires. Vampires and werewolves. Twilight wasn’t good! Neither was True Blood! Stop it! Stop it all of you! For some reason, the overreaching awfulness of the genre feels like accepted fact, but the urge to state your dissatisfaction still bubbles in the back of your throat. Why is this happening? Who is the person in charge of these projects that truly has a passion for the modern vampire? Who are the people that are just eating this up? Spoiler: he bites people. He’s a vampire and he’s going to bite sexy lady necks while looking all sexy. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll bite some sexy dude necks. And then he’s going to be all mysterious and totally charming at the same time. This can’t still be selling. Please, tell us the vampire well is running dry. Tell us the perversion of classic horror monsters is done. What’s next? Mummies? Is the infatuation pop culture has with fetishizing old-timey, horror-fiction bullshit ever going to fade away?
Witches of the East End (Sunday, Oct. 6 at 10/9c on Lifetime) Ugh. Witches. Witches and wizards. When does it end? It’s our fault, really. It’s not like every, single millennial didn’t memorize their Patronus at an early age. It’s not like we didn’t treat Wicked as the greatest thing since the wheel. And we enabled it all, just so we could vicariously live our dreams of being magic people. But enough’s enough. Magic isn’t magic anymore. It’s time to go home. Witches of the East End looks like Wizards of Waverly Place for adults, but, if you take the time to really look at that statement, you’ll realize how ludicrous it is. Perhaps the next show bucks this trend.
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The Tomorrow People, huh? That’s what you got? Future Folks not good enough for you? Whatever, have your name, but know that it isn’t even enough to convey what the show is about. We assume it has something to do with watch manufacturers. Well, actually, The Tomorrow People is:
...‘ The Million Second Quiz’ is a…competition where contestants…battle each other in intense head-to-head bouts of trivia for 12 consecutive days and nights. The competition…will air in primetime, LIVE from a three-story hourglassshaped structure. Money is accumulated by sitting in the ‘[MONEY CHAIR]’ (note: NBC doesn’t capitalize this, but they really should) and answering trivia questions against a rival. The longer a contestant stays in the chair, the more money is added until he/she is defeated by a challenger. During the million seconds the top four players who have accumulated the largest amounts of money up to that point in the game will live next to the hourglass in ‘Winners’ Row’ and try to survive there until the million seconds are up. – NBC
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The Tomorrow People (Wednesday, Oct. 9 at 9/8c on CW)
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Sleepy Hollow (Monday, Sep. 16 at 9/8c on Fox) Well, fuck you too, TV.
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Whisky up Favorite Shot: Whisky up Disgusting Drink: Fireball If you could have a pound of anything, what would you have a pound of?: Puppies Are you a member of the Illuminati? Prove it: No, that’s for people with majors. If you were alive in medieval England, what do you think you’d be doing with your life?: A dragon slayer What word do you find strangely sexual?: Relationship What word do you find strangely disturbing?: Relationship
Jacob of Barley’s Drinking Game Breaking Booze With AMC’s Breaking Bad coming to an end, making a drinking game out of it was inevitable. However this game is not a celebration of the Emmy Award-winning series but rather a celebration of the fact that in a very short amount of time you will stop being asked, “So do you watch Breaking Bad?” So sit back, drink, and watch Heisenberg do what he does best … ruin everyone’s life that he comes in contact with. What You’ll Need: Beer, a TV and someone raving about Breaking Bad enough to convince you to watch it. Number of Players: However many can comfortably fit on your couch. Level of Intoxication: Casual How To Play: - Invite all your friends over on Sunday night to watch Breaking Bad. - When the show begins, drink when: - Jesse says, “Bitch!” If he says it more than twice in a sentence, finish your beer. - A commercial for Low Winter Sun comes on. - Someone destroys a phone. - Someone in the room says, “Skyler is bitch” or “Fuck Skyler.” So pretty much anything anyone says about Skyler. - Money is shown.
- Percent purity of meth is brought up. - Walt Jr. eats breakfast (drink double if it’s awkward). - Saul changes phones. - Marie says something annoying, which is every time she opens her mouth. - Walt lies. - Somebody says, “Why are all the woman characters so friggin’ awful on this show? Is Vince Gilligan a misogynist? Or he just pissed off about constantly being asked about his island and how the Skipper is?”
The Game Ends When: The episode ends. If you’re a real fan, play again for the second showing.
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What’s the nerdiest thing you did as a kid?: Masturbated to anime One time, you laughed so hard you…: Laughed some more
Recipe for disaster Morning-After Mixer Sometimes the previous night rears its ugly head the next morning in the form of nausea and migraine headaches. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the best hangover cures to form an all-powerful hangover helper. What You’ll Need: A blender, two Tylenol, one bottle of purple Gatorade (it must be purple), orange juice, tomato juice, celery, a cup of black coffee, a greasy hamburger, 10-piece chicken nuggets, a can of beer, graham crackers, an Alka-Seltzer tablet, and pickle juice (an old Polish trick we learned from an alcoholic cleaning lady). Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You had like 10 beers last night, let’s cut the crap. Let’s Get Baked: - Set up your blender. Make sure it has a tightly-fitted cap; this is gonna get messy. - Start making the coffee as you start filling the blender. - Put the hamburger and chicken nuggets in the blender first, these will require the most blending. - Now throw in the graham crackers, Tylenol, orange and tomato juices, celery, purple Gatorade, pickle juice and beer. - When the coffee is finished, pour it into the blender. - Blend the ingredients on high until it has the texture of a runny shake and a brownish-green color. Mmm… - Drop the Alka-Seltzer tablet in. If it just sits on the top, push it down into the mixture. - Once it dissolves, drink it up! Your hangover is now ready to be vanquished! If you throw up while drinking it remember that it isn’t from the Morning-After Mixer, it’s because you drank too much last night, you jackass!
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com
madlib Spending my first year in a ___1___ apartment
is, overall, exceptionally ___2___, but there’s one thing I’m nervous about: grocery shopping. Usually ___3___ does that for me, picking up my ___4___ ___5___and bags of ___6___-flavored ___7___ patties so you can imagine how ___8___ I was when I stepped into ___9___. I was like… ___10___ is in the what section? I have to push this cart with, I can only presume, ___11___ residue all over it? Can I lick my fingers? No, I shouldn’t. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. I saw a wall of candy from across the store and ___12___ my way over 1: Popular apartment complex 2: Synonym for good 3: Pushover relative 4: Meat 5: Breakfast pastry
6: Type of cheese 7: Vegetable 8: Synonym for confused 9: Local grocery store 10: Basic vegetable 11: Drug
Grocery Shopping there faster than a ___13___ girl swallows a lemon drop. I stood in awe of the buckets of ___14___ and ___15___ and ___16___! Like a ___17___ in heat, I dived in___18___-first into one of those bins of ___19___ and nearly drowned in that sweet, sweet sugar. An employee resembling ___20___ had to yank me out, and a crowd of ___21___ were studying me with intrigue. While I was getting escorted out, I saw one dive into a bucket of ___22___ and get a concussion. Scary! So I didn’t get very far at the grocery store. Looks like it’s ___23___ for the rest of the year! 12: Verb 13: Sorority 14: Gummy candy 15: Type of nut 16: Weird grain or legume 17: Wild animal
18: Body part 19: Favorite candy 20: Old celebrity 21: Nationality 22: Hard candy 23: Crappy fast food
Cryptography read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Music Genres ACROSS 3) When you can’t fit into any other category. 8) Toro Y Moi and Washed Out are popular artists of this genre. 9) Chicago is the birthplace of this club-based genre. 11) A color, plural. 12) Insane Clown Posse (amongst others) is at the front of this obscure genre. 15) The “ED” in EDM. 16) Skrillex popularized this genre in the U.S. 18) The tunes of Jamaica. DOWN 1) The Baha Men created music in this Bahamian genre. 2) A rock genre that originated in 1980s Seattle. 3) Dashboard Confessional and lots of angsty tears. 4) Your parents took drugs to this genre.
5) Men will play in this type of band, usually when you’re eating enchiladas. 6) United State bluegrass 7) The umbrella term for rap music in general. 10) Psy’s “Gangnam Style” exemplifies this genre. 13) The “R” in R&B. 14) This type of music is also known as Muzak. 17) Germany is the birthplace of this slow techno genre.
crossword
KNOXVILLE’S BEST BEER SELECTION!
COME ENJOY 96 BEERS ON DRAFT
L I V E M U S I C N I G H T LY OPEN
7 DAYS check out our rooftop patio at the new location
A WEEK!
2200 cumberland ave
tuesdays $2 drafts* wednesdays half off wines all day thursdays half off drafts* after 9 pm
WELCOME BACK, UT STUDENTS! With class back in session, we invite you to come unwind with friends with great food, craft beer, pool tables and live, local music at Barley’s.
865.637.4663 www.sunspotrestaurant.com
THE HISTORIC OLD CITY 200 E. Jackson Ave. Knoxville, TN 37915 www.barleysknoxville.com • 865-521-0092