The Black Sheep
FRE FRI E... LI DAY KE . W HOW HO WA YOU A N TS R E TO P THI A RT S Y?
Vol. 4, Issue 6
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/13/14 - 2/19/14
UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE JUNIOR
FINDS LOVE IN BLACKBOARD BY: AUSTIN McLAURINE Students all across the country use Blackboard for school to receive assignments from their instructors and submit their homework. While most users of Blackboard find the program irritating and even infuriating due to frequent crashes right when you need it the most, one UT student recently professed his love for the website via social media. We were able to contact the student and talk to him about this relationship.
ket for me. I don’t even watch porn anymore. Blackboard thinks that’s cheating,” Jacob said, “it knows when I’m looking at other sites, even if I’ve opened up another window or surf porn in the library.”
Jacob Smith, a junior in computer science, told The Black Sheep that he started to develop feelings toward Blackboard one busy evening home alone. “I was doing my homework, and when I went to submit it I found myself just looking at thebeautiful design of the web page. All of the features that are available that no one even pays attention to, they’re incredible... In that one night, I went to every possible Blackboard page I could, its beauty entranced me so much that I missed the homework submission deadline,” he said. “The banner at the top, the teasing coloring scheme, the way it accepts any student with open arms, how could you not fall in love with this website? I get butterflies every time I sign in. And I sign in a lot.”
Jacob even has the Blackboard mobile app: “Now I can take her with me wherever I go. She sees what I see!” Jacob’s teachers have noticed he is logged into the website 24/7, and is the sole reason for other students not being able to log in occasionally. A few teachers believe it’s because he’s a hard worker, others are beginning to think something is up, especially since instead of handing in homework he hands in extensive love letters and poetry that intimately describes sexual acts between him and the website in “some kind of Tron-like universe.”
“Now that I’m committed to Blackboard, all women are off the mar-
One of his female peers told us “I tried talking to him once, but he mumbled something about having to do homework and ‘upload a bunch of documents.’ His eyes never left his computer.”
Some of his friends are concerned that he has become too attached to his new companion. “Whenever we hang out he has to leave early to ‘go check in with the missus.’ He’s really weirding me out, but on the upside he has offered to do all of my
homework.” Jacob’s parents aren’t too worried: “We’re just glad he actually found someone; we were afraid he was one’a those homosexuals.” All hasn’t been too peachy for the
new couple, though. Jacob, in a hushed voice, complained that Blackboard doesn’t “give enough back in the relationship.” Jacob also voiced a suspicion that Blackboard has been seeing other people. “I’m afraid I’m going to come home one day and she won’t be there. What
if she won’t let me [log] in?” When we told Jacob that Blackboard is supplied to every student; he became very defensive and reversed his opinion, saying that Blackboard would never leave him for someone else.
The couple is still together and things are seemingly ok. They have plans to go out on Valentine’s Day together: “I’m going to bring my laptop with her to my favorite restaurant and then we’ll watch some Netflix... You never know what can happen!”
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POINT-COUNTERPOINT: FLOWERS VS CHOCOLATES
KICK HER TO THE CURB BEFORE VALENTINE’S DAY. DO IT.
CAMPUS PARTY HAS GREAT LIQUOR, SURPRISING ALL
WE DEBATE THE AGE OLD QUESTION OF WHAT TO GET YOUR SPECIAL SOMEONE.
THESE OPTIONS SOUND INFINITELY BETTER THAN ANY OTHER LAME VALENTINE’S DATES.
CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE A PARTY WITHOUT BURNETT’S?
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Point-Counterpoint:
Flowers vs. Chocolates KITTY KAT & TEX MEX WROTE THIS It’s crunch time for Valentine’s Day gifts, and you don’t have much of a selection left at Walgreens by now. You have to decide between the two February 14 staples: flowers and chocolates. You only have $5 to spend because you’ve already committed to a $30 Olive Garden dinner with your lady lover. Which one do you choose? Kitty Kat: If you want to keep your valentine past the holiday, get her flowers. Why? Because they’re friggin’ beautiful, that’s why. Nothing else shows your girl that she’s exquisite, fresh, full of life and brilliant colors, and that she smells good (girls don’t like being smelly). It’s all metaphorical. Flowers are a special little reminder every time she walks by that she’s loved by a sweet gentleman who was smart enough to bring her flowers, NOT STUPID CHOCOLATES, for Valentine’s Day. Plus, she’ll
love the fact that she can make her roommates jealous by putting them on display in the apartment for weeks and weeks—even after they wilt and die. Tex Mex: You know what else is metaphorical? The way those flowers are going to shrivel up and die just like your obviously crippled relationship if you’re seriously resorting to something as useless as flowers for your gal pal. What’s the point of getting your valentine something that she’s going to look at once and then toss on her nightstand until their date with the trash bin? With chocolates, you get sweetness and utility. Your girlfriend doesn’t feel like cooking after class? BOOM, she can open that Fannie May box and pop in a truffle or six. That’s at least a week’s worth of satisfying the tip of the food pyramid. You can’t
eat flowers, though. You know what eats flowers? Goats. Do you really get your sick kicks out of indirectly calling your valentine a goat? Kitty Kat: But let’s look ahead, shall we? What if your girl does come home every day and scarf down a truffle or two? If you keep up this lame gift for every holiday during the year, pretty soon you’ll be dating a cow. A grade-A heifer. And don’t pretend you’re one of those “different” guys who can see past a girl’s frumpy exterior and into her artery-clogged heart. When she gets fat, you’ll be outta there. Flowers, on the other hand, don’t pose any risk of heart attack or obesity. And if your girl ends up eating the flowers, then I guess you do have a goat on your hands. But then that’s on you. Who woulda thought you’d be into that bestiality stuff?
Tex Mex: Speak ing of bestiality, we need to take sex into account too, however. According to Daniel H. of Yahoo! Answers, women love chocolate so insatiably because “its linked to there sexual part of the brain wich means takin them to poundtown lol.” You heard it here first, fellas. This is Poundtown we’re talking— population: you and the lucky little lady you showered with raspberry dark chocolate m o r s e l s f ro m G o d i v a . Remember, Mint Meltaways aren’t just meant for the tongue (ow-ow), so feel free to redefine the term “hot chocolate” while you’re going at it. The closest way to make flowers even remotely sexy is by tossing petals on the bed … which is lame as shit. Kitty Kat: There are a lot of dangers lurking inside a delicious, seemingly innocent
chocolate-covered cherry. What if she’s allergic to chocolate? Milk? Red dye? Gluten? The possibilities are endless. One little bite could be her last. When it comes to flowers, the worst thing to worry about is allergies, and with the way the weather has been lately, a little runny nose ain’t nothin’ new. And I’m pretty sure shoving chocolate morsels up a vagina—or whatever weird shit you were hinting at—isn’t gynecologistapproved. What if you poisoned her vagina, man? What if it gets all moldy and falls off? Keep that in mind.
Chocolate = no more vagina. I think that settles it. Tex Mex: Please, one measly, little yeast infection isn’t going to single-handedly cause vaginal eradication. It takes at least three of those and one hell of a herpal outbreak to do that. But if you think chocolate in the bedroom isn’t safe, bear in mind that there was once a dude who thought it would be “cute” to surprise his wife by stemming a tulip from his penis. When he tried to remove it, the bottom of the stem got lodged inside of him, literally ripping his urethra to
shreds. Contrary to popular belief, girls actually don’t think self-vasectomization is hot. Ultimately, just put it this way: If your date hates flowers, then what the fuck are you going to do with them? If your date hates chocolates, then who’s going to eat them? You and the rest of the dudes during the Golden Girls marathon, that’s who. Although Tex Mex had the most compelling argument, don’t you think you should know your girlfriend by now? Don’t you know the type of shit she likes? C’mon man.
VALENTINE’S DAY
THE
TOP
TEN
MANENTINE’S DAY ACTIVITIES BY: KATZ PAJAMAS
Bros need to feel appreciated too, dammit. So if you have no ties whatsoever to a woman on this day, celebrate the bromantic love you have for you and your bro with these 10 mantacular activities. Happy Manentine’s Day.
KICK HER TO THE CURB BEFORE V-DAY. DO IT. BY: MEAGAN DAWSON Valentine’s Day is the make-or-break moment of any relationship. Brace yourself, because things will get ugly. Relationships have crumbled, hearts have been shattered, and grown men have been reduced to tears. Can you handle that? Don’t worry, there’s still time to avoid the inevitable. You have one saving grace: the break-up. Sure, you love her (congrats on the 3 week anniversary!) and sure, the sex is great. But this isn’t about your warm and fuzzy feelings. This is about survival. Not entirely convinced it’s time to hit the relationship eject button? Think about how much better V-Day will be without your significant other. First and foremost, you’ll get to keep all your hard-earned cash. No girlfriend, no gift exchanges. No gift exchanges, no debt collectors beating down your door. Think of what you’ll save hundreds, millions, TRILLIONS! Thanks to your newfound freedom what you do with that money is completely up to you. If you want to take all that cash money and invest in some exotic entertainment, you can. You want to buy forty tacos from Taco Bell, why not? You don’t feel like wearing pants? Let it all hang loose. Who’s going to tell you no? Certainly not that girlfriend you don’t have. Now that you’re enjoying your pant-less strip club tacos, think about all the God-awful things you’re not doing. You’re not watching some cheesy chick flick starring that guy with the abs your GF wishes you had. You’re not eating snails for the sake of being fancy, and you’re definitely not arguing with your girl about your lack of effort.
06
Wait, no arguing? Is it still Valentine’s Day if there’s no screaming match? Of course! It’s just upgraded; a V-Day 2.0, if you will. On this V-day 2.0 you won’t forget to buy your non-girlfriend her favorite flowers. She won’t accuse you of not caring about her or her macrobiotic diet. (You bought her chocolate? Rude.) Best of all, you won’t get caught checking out your hot (single) waitress’ rack. Speaking of hot females, bring on the lonely, sexually frustrated single ladies, and we use the term “ladies” loosely. Now that you’re single, it is your privilege, no, your responsibility to show all those unwanted girls just how hot they really are. And what better way to do that than getting “you have beautiful eyes” drunk at the club. Bet that wouldn’t work on your ex. Unlike the one-man girlfriend wagon, the slut bus gets you out of the dog house with your buddies. You see, single women travel in packs, meaning one for you, and one for each and every single one of them. This ups your street cred and makes up for you ditching your bros for months to snuggle with your ex-lady. And, of course, chocolate goes on sale the day after Valentine’s Day, which means that any other type of therapy to get over your recent heartbreak won’t be necessary. Thus you have your clinically proven (by The Black Sheep’s resident staff of doctors and statisticians) reasons that being single on Valentine’s Day is the single greatest thing that could ever happen to you. Now that you have been enlightened, go forth into the world and kick that bitch to the curb. Happy V-Day, you’re welcome.
10.) Play Video Games in Your Undies: This is something that will never cross over to friendships between women since playing any sort of game in your underwear is border-lining the plot for a porno, but it’s totally legit between two bros. Bros concentrate better in their underwear anyway. 9.) Gym Date: Going to the gym with your best bro is not something unusual for the daily life of a gymratting, protein shake-drinking, maxing -ut bro. But on Manentine’s Day you should make an event out of it. Hold the door for him as he gets out of the car, spot his every bench press and, ans sensually wipe the sweat from his brow when he needs it. 8.) The Vitamin Shoppe: Guys need a constant supply of pre-workout, and you need to bring your best bro to the store to get his input on your growing muscles’ health; he’s the one you’re working out for, so what he thinks matters most. 7.) Game Day Lovin’: There’s always some sort sporting event on TV that captures a man’s attention for hours, no matter how irrelevant the team is. Why not show off your bro and share a couple beers at the bar so that everyone knows how much you two love broin’ out, no matter how irrelevant the game on TV is. 6.) Romantic Dinner: The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. So tonight you and your bro should make a beautiful candlelight dinner together. It’s Manentine’s Day so you can go all out and buy all the hot wings, bacon-wrapped steaks, and cheeseburgers you want. 5.) Netflix Date: Now that you’ve deleted that crazy bitch’s number, you have complete control over the Netflix on a cozy night in with your bro. You are free to snuggle and watch Gladiator over and over again without hearing any pouting next to you. 4.) Meet the Parents: Thankfully, your bro has already met your parents because you’ve been bromancing each other since high school. Invite each other’s moms down and they’ll make you both a big dinner, send you off with a wadfull of cash, and talk about how “good of friends you guys have been for so long.” 3.) Go Huntin’: Girls will never understand the importance of patience and silence while hunting like your bro does. How did you get so lucky? A full day of relaxation and killing innocent animals is just what you needed. 2.) Farting Contest: She never appreciated the amazing symphony of bowel movements you presented to her throughout your relationship. Your bro, on the other hand, will applaud your talents and possibly present some of his own. 1.) Strip Club: The ultimate show of masculinity and perversion is one of the best places to take your bro. You can bond over the double lap dances and rating the girls based on the size of their jugs. This is true friendship worth celebrating. Manentine’s Day is a day to cherish the strong bonds of love between two bros. Bros don’t ask for much, so this is the time to spoil them and show them how much they really mean to you. Romeo and Juliet both died fighting to preserve their relationship, but nothing ever happened to Cheech and Chong that they couldn’t conquer together.
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ON THE STREETS WHAT IS THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER WOKEN UP TO? Andrew
“My roommate naked in my room.”
Rishi
“Gameday shot.”
Dan
“My dad shouting at raccoons outside.”
07
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JACKSON AVE. MARKET
THE BAR GRID BLACKSTOCK Live Jazz Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday! Happy Hour Every Day 3-6pm: $2 pints
FRIDAY & SATURDAY: 14th Annual Birthday Bash! $2.50 Wells $4.50 Natty Pitchers $6 Domestic Pitchers
Everyday: Happy Hour! 11AM - 8PM $1 off beer & wine, $1.25 off mixed drinks
MONDAY: Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Thirsty Thursday Drink Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Anti-Valentineâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Party! $3 Chocolate Covered Moonshine Cherries $3.50 Yazoo Pints $3 V-Day Punch
Happy Hour 11-8 Ladies Night Specials 4pm-10pm: $2 Mich Ultra Drafts & Bottle, $2 Blue Moon Drafts & Bottle, Half Price Glasses of Wine, Half Price Margaritas, Half Price Pinnacle Flavored Vodka 4pm-close: Half Price Apps for Ladies Only
$10 all you can play arcade games from 8pm-close
Friday 2/14
K Camp 9pm, $20
Jazz Night 9pm Pamela Klicka Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Cool Beans 14th Annual Birthday Bash! $2.50 Wells $4.50 Natty Pitchers $6 Domestic Pitchers
Happy Hour 11-8 TGIF: 11-8pm Fish & Chips for $9.99
10% off any meal combos
Saturday 2/15
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Jazz Night 9pm Will Yager Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Cool Beans 14th Annual Birthday Bash! $2.50 Wells $4.50 Natty Pitchers $6 Domestic Pitchers
Happy Hour 11-8 11-8 pm: $7.50 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Specialty Pizza, $5.99 Nachos, $5.99 Burger & Fries, $0.75 Wings
10% off any meal combos
Jazz Brunch 12-2pm Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts & $2.50 Wells, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers All Day
Happy Hour 11-8 COLLEGE NIGHT: VALID ALL DAY w/ student id, $10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers $4 Vol & Cherry bombs, Grape Shooters $5 Cosmos
Closed
SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday 2/13
FRIDAY! K Camp 9pm, $20
Sunday 2/16
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Monday 2/17
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Blue Plate Specials! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $5.50 Domestic Pitchers from 9pm-closing
Tuesday 2/18
For tickets and more info: blackstocklive.com facebook.com blackstocklive
Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
$2 Domestic Pints, $4 Double LITs, Trivia Night: Live Team Trivia starts at 9pm
Wednesday 2/19
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Jazz Night 9pm Adrien Cottier Performing Live! Happy Hour 3-6pm: $2 pints
Happy Hour 11-8 Greek Night! Show Your Letters!
$10 One (2/4) Topping Pizza, $.75 Wings & $5.99 nachos, $5.99 Burger and Fries, $2 Domestic Drafts, $5 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Vol & Cherry Bombs, Grape Shooters, $5 Cosmos
Happy Hour 11-8 8pm-Close: $2 Domestic Drafts $5.99 Cheese Quesadilla ALL DAY 10pm-Close: 50% Off Apps
Free Hotdog with Draft Purchase (limited 1 per person)
$5 36oz PBRs
Wine Down Wednesday
Pint Night: $2 Pints, $2.50 Jim Beam drinks
Happy Hour 11-8, 9pm-Close: $2.50 Domestic Bottles, Half Price Wine Bottles, & 2 for 1 Glass of Wine, 4pm-Close: Half Price Specialty Pizza 10pm-close: Half Price Apps
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THE BAR GRID Beer • Liquor • Games •Coffee Wi-Fi • Food
FRIDAY & SATURDAY! 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
Everyday: $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
SATURDAY! DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
FRIDAY! Anti-Valentine’s Day Party with Love Animals, Lipliplip Hands, Katie and the Bass Drums and Johnny Astro and the Big Bang, 9pm, $5
MONDAY! Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
SPECIAL NIGHT
Ladies Night! 1/2 off everything for women! Beer and appetizers 4pm-close Liquor and wine 4pm-10pm 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville DJ and Dancing starting at 9!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Killians Red & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Sweet Water IPA & More!)
DJ Jeff & DJ Tapout $1 Drafts until 11pm, $3 Name Your Flavor Lemonades, $4 Bobby Lite & Big Gulps, $2 Domestic Bottles
Maps Need Reading, Smooth Operationz 9pm, FREE!
Bring Your Own Vinyl and Record Swap Night + Weekly Raffle for $25 Gift Certificate to Wild Honey Records $1 OFF ALL IMPORTS!!
Thursday 2/13
35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-ofthe-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Lager/Lite/Bockbeer, Mich Amber & More!) $3 Imports (Fat Tire, Shiner White Wing, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DJ Dance Party with DJ Jersey Jeff! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells, $2 Domestics All Night & Bottomless Drafts from 11 - Close
Anti-Valentine’s Day Party with Love Animals, Lipliplip Hands, Katie and the Bass Drums and Johnny Astro and the Big Bang, 9pm, $5
Live Music Nights! (please PM for booking)
Friday 2/14
Brunch 10am - 4pm, $3 Mimomas 35 Below, Coolest Dance Club in Downtown Knoxville-DJ and Dancing starting at 9pm. Check out our brand new VIP section and upgraded state-of-the-art light and sound system!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!) $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, New Belgium 1554/Spring Blond & More!)
DJ Dance Party! 8-9pm 2-for-1 Wells, 9-10pm Animal Hour! 3-for-11 wells $2 Domestics, $3 Imports and $4 Fireball All Night
The Cathouse Prophets with Mike McGill, Stephen Lee, Hotshot Freight Train 9pm, $5
Disco Night - Bring your own disco records! $1 OFF ALL 24/25 OUNCE FOSTERS & RED STRIPE!
Saturday 2/15
Best Brunch in Downtown Knoxville! 10am - 4pm Home of the $3 Mimosa
Open 12 - 6 Half Price Hookah! $1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics $3 Imports
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Come party at The Well!
Open at 8pm! Video Game Tournament Night - Winner Receives $12 Bar Credit! PLUS HAPPY HOUR FROM 8-10:30!
Sunday 2/16
Try our new spring menu!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Blonde, Mich Amber, Bud Light & More!), $3 Imports (Magic Hat #9, Stella, Sweet Water IPA & More!) $5 Hookah Sessions!
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Double Comedy Night! Einstein Simplified Improv Troupe, 8pm Comedy Con Queso Open Mic, 9:30pm, FREE
Cumberland Glass Raffle Night! $1 off all domestics
Monday 2/17
1/2 off large pizza from 4-close - Dine in only Scarecrow Winter Games! Play our games and have a chance to win a grand prize trip to Las Vegas!
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Carolina Strawberry Blonde, Yuengling Lager/ Lite & More!), $3 Imports (New Belgium Fat Tire/1554/ Spring Blond & More!)
Open for Booking! Call (865)766-9154
Shonna Tucker (formerly of the Drive By Truckers) and Eye Candy with the Quote Unquotes, 8pm
Two Dollar Tuesdays Metal NIght w/ James $2 pints all day long!
Tuesday 2/18
1/2 off bottles of wine 4pm - 10pm Excluding house bottles
$1.50 PBR, $2 Domestics (Yuengling Bockbeer, Mich Amber, & More!), $3 Imports (Shiner White Wing, Blue Moon, Yazoo Pale Ale & More!)
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 Wells until 10, $1 Domestics until 11, $1 Drafts until 12, $2 Domestics & $3 Imports All Night
Rachel Brooke with Cutthroat Shamrock Acoustic, 8pm, $7
Hookah Night (21 and up) PLUS Sweets & Wheats & Ciders are $1 off!
Wednesday 2/19
Same as It Ever Was...
Valentine’s Day Cards Revisited Scurried away in a box somewhere in a parent’s basement is a collection of a childhood memories-- artifacts of days gone by. Among them, certainly, are Valentine’s Day cards, issues school-wide at a set time for fairness to all. These Valentine’s Day cards are brief snapshots of who one was then, but these snapshots also reveal who this person who was, now is. The Black Sheep has dug up six Valentine’s Day cards from our staffers’ past, and not surprisingly, they tell the story of who these weirdos are now.
Dependent Dave
Self-Lovin’ Stephen
How Dave Was Raised: His teddy bear, Bobo, was wrapped in a safety blanket, which was tied to a rope, which led to his parents’ bedroom. If he pulled, it would ring a bell. Mom and dad would both come running, because they didn’t want to take Dave to the hospital for hyperventilation… again.
How Stephen Was Raised: Steve was an only child whose vigorously religious parents didn’t show much affection. Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings, they say, and without TV or friends, Stephen was oftentimes left alone to entertain himself.
What 3rd Grade Was Like: Crippling anxiety led to Dave being homeschooled by second grade. He was the star of the basketball team, though, and they went undefeated against their arch-rivals, the Invisibles. Heck, they shut ‘em out 14-0! Where Dave is Now: The wife jumped ship after Dave followed her on a business trip to Atlanta, but the last six months in therapy have worked wonders for Dave. Plus, he’s pretty sure his therapist has a thing for him — she always answers his calls in the middle of the night, and she’s always asking him about his feelings.
What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sure, Stephen didn’t have many friends, but he didn’t need any. At school he’d prefer to work alone, and during recess he’d play hide-and-go-seek with himself in one of the bathroom stalls. Stephen didn’t need attention from others, he had himself, a playroom that locked from the inside, and an imagination that would make a 15-year-old jealous. Where Stephen is Now: There were thousands of people out there just like Stephen, and he knew it was a safe bet. After making a small fortune on the futures stock of Jergens’ new So Soft: For Him lotion, Stephen retired to a lovely suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. With a T1 connection and admin privileges on six different pornography torrent sites, his only interaction with humans these days is when he talks to the Jimmy John’s delivery man through the door. “The money’s in the mail box,” he grunts, “leave the Totally Tuna on the doorstep.”
Swingin’ Sally How Sally Was Raised: One time Sally’s babysitter had an emergency, and she had to drop Sally and her brother off back at Sally’s parents’ place. It was weird—Sally thought they were out of town, but here were 10 cars up and down the block! When she walked inside her mom told her dad that the swing in the basement was broken. Sally wasn’t allowed in the basement, though. Why couldn’t she sit in the swing? What 3rd Grade Was Like: Tim left Sarah, then
Politically Correct Corey How Corey Was Raised: All the other kids could go crying to their mommies, but Corey was forced to have “open tear dialogue” twice a week with a “parental advisor.” What 3rd Grade Was Like: During gym class Corey would often self-eliminate himself from dodge ball matches, fearing he might be forced to make some non-PC decisions about who he should hit
Billy left Diane, then Corey left Tanya, then Eric left Molly, then Aaron left Bethany, then Robert left Suzy, then Sally realized the power she had over the opposite sex. It turned into a game of Pokémen, she had to catch them all. Where Sally is Now: After years of meticulously pouring through the Craigslist casual encounters section, Sally lives happily with her man-harem in warm and sunny Austin, Texas. The quirky eightsome all enjoy each other’s company during the day, but when the lights go out at night it’s a sausage party, and she’s the buns.
with a ball. Sure, Martha may be a little overweight and asthmatic, but is an easy kill worth the weight on his conscience, knowing he’d be responsible for a hip replacement she might need when she’s 80? Where Corey is Now: Corey currently lives in Portland with his life-partner Sasha and their twoyear-old daughter, Milanesa. When Corey isn’t spending his free time writing freelance opinion pieces promoting the abolishment of genderspecific pronouns, he can be found assembling cruelty-free cardboard shelves in his soon-to-be open paleo-vegan neighborhood grocery.
Sam the Stalker How Sam Was Raised: Sam spent many hours in timeout, both at home and at school. He grew to enjoy being present without participating in most situations. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sam’s favorite times at school were when all the 3rd grade classes would swap classrooms to learn different subjects. Every day from noon to one he sat in Sarah Mason’s seat. One day he found her diary in the desk, one day
Bondage Ben How Ben Was Raised: Ben grew up with four rowdy older brothers and a mom “physical” enough to handle them. It wasn’t often that he got attention from her, but when he did, she made sure he didn’t act out again. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Ben kept quiet for the most part, but was oftentimes found to be the sneaky instigator behind playground fights. If
he smelled her mittens, and one day he found her address. Where Sam is Now: Sam lives a quiet life in Tallahassee, Florida. During the day he works at as a deliveryman whose daily route just so happens to include Sarah Mason’s work, home, favorite restaurant, hair dresser, grocery store, coffee shop and a certain tree outside her bathroom. He lives with his dog Rex and an amorphous collection of blond hair, chewing gum, and semen in his basement, named Sarah.
the teacher ever sided with Ben, his attacker was left angry and confused. “You don’t understand,” they’d plead, “he was literally asking for it!” Where Ben is Now: Right now Ben is being sat on by a 250-lb, latex and leather-clad she-woman in a dimly-lit, unfurnished basement. With one last exhale he’ll be on the brink of unconsciousness, and though “ganana brabber” is his safe word, he has yet to say it. Instead, his final breath is spent on “yes mamma!” while Big Bertha whips his thighs with a small cane and cranks the Rob Zombie.
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Situation
Five words to describe the current state of your checking account: Bartenders always carry cash.
Major: Environmental studies Favorite Drink: LowRYEder IPA
If you had to compete in one thing to save the earth, what would that thing be?: Darts.
Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Buttery nipples Who was the best bar patron you’ve ever had?: My Mom, I don’t see her enough and she tips me well. What drink best encapsulates your dancing style?: Mind Eraser. Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: By the Pac-Man machine.
What euphemism for sex is your favorite and why?: Bumping uglies. What’s something you believe in that other people think you’re crazy for believing?: I don’t believe in germs. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: ‘Cause it gives people what they want.
Adam of Barley’s
DRINKING GAME You’re Alone and No One Loves You Campus will be alive with lovers this Valentine’s Day, and if you found the brownie ball recipe to your right, chances are you’re still single. Find another unloved friend of yours (or play the game alone, like you do every day) and wander around campus with your favorite bottle of booze. What You’ll Need: Alcohol and sadness. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be crying by the end of the night. How to Play: - Get your alcohol ready to go in whichever sneaky way your prefer—leftover Jimmy John’s cup, water bottle, brown paper bag, etc. - Wander around campus and take a drink for the following: - A girl trying to look strong as she buys a pint of Ben & Jerry’s from the grocery store (drink twice if it’s Chunky Monkey). - A girl being an ungrateful bitch and whining to her boyfriend. - A boy hurrying down the street with a bouquet of flowers (drink twice for an oversized teddy bear). - Two bros together putting on a façade of happiness; you know they’re dead inside. - Someone buying a card without even reading it. - People waiting to be seated at a not-so-romantic restaurant. - Someone using the phrase “Singles Awareness Day.” - A couple that has one member way hotter than his or her partner. - Every time you see a couple passionately kiss (drink twice for an ass grab). - Every time you hear someone say, “Aw, you shouldn’t have!” - A couple having a fight in a public place. - Finish your drink if you see someone being proposed to. The Game Ends When: Your liquor is gone and you decide to go buy yourself some Chunky Monkey too.
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RECIPE for DISASTER Boyfriend Brownie Balls Alone this Valentine’s Day? Who needs love when you can date food instead? This recipe is the perfect combination of chocolate, cookie dough and more chocolate. Your lady parts may not be getting lucky any time soon, but your mouth sure is! What You’ll Need: 3/4 cup butter (softened), 3/4 cup brown sugar, 1/4 cup white sugar, 2 tbsp milk, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 2 cups flour, 2 cups mini chocolate chips, 1 box of fudge brownie mix, and 1 package of chocolate almond bark Cook Time: 2 hours Fatty Factor: Calories don’t count when you’re sad. Let’s Get Baked: - In a bowl, mix together the butter and sugars until it’s all nice and creamy. - Slowly add in the milk and vanilla extract until combined. - Add in the flour and a tiny pinch of salt. Mix until you have some smooth dough. - Line a baking sheet with foil and make sure there’s room in your freezer for these bad boys. - Scoop out tablespoon-sized balls of dough
and place them on the sheet. Put them in the freezer for about an hour to harden. - While your balls are blue-ing, make your brownies per the directions on the box. You might need some eggs and oil. When they’re done, let them cool before going onto the next step. - Remove the frozen balls from the freezer. - Cut the cooled brownies into small squares and flatten them in your hands. - Put a cookie dough ball in the middle of each brownie square and wrap the brownie around it. - Once all the balls are covered, put them back in your freezer for another 30 minutes. - Melt the chocolate bark over the stove, being careful not to burn it or let it boil. Heat it up just enough so the chocolate melts. - Take the balls out of the freezer and dip them in the melted bark with a fork, making sure they’re completely covered. Then sprinkle chocolate chips on top! - Put them in the fridge for a few minutes to harden up, then dig in! This is the one and only time you’ll thoroughly enjoy having balls in your mouth.
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Campus Party Has Great Liquor, Surprising All BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS
Partygoers at the University of Tennessee were surprised to find that the party they were attending late last Friday night had really nice liquor. “This wasn’t a campus party where they were giving out some Keystone Lights and Big Flats,” said fifth-year psychology senior Derek Levine, referring to the beers you can get for $0.50 each at the Walgreens on the strip. He added, “They had name-brand liquor that actually has TV advertisements. I think I saw a Smirnoff bottle in the trash can, and you better believe I got my fair share of that Jim Beam handle. We still didn’t savor the flavor, but you know, it was nice.” When asked how he was able to afford such a delicacy the host replied, “Billy’s parents are paying for college, so he squanders his money on this shit.” Billy Sanders, a senior in recreation, is excruciatingly frugal in all other aspects of his life. “He’s been known to steal ketchup packets from fast food places, and once he used The Daily Beacon as toilet paper for an entire semester. He only splurges when it comes to his liquor,” his girlfriend Maggie Ableson said. “If there’s one thing Billy loves more than anything else it’s money” Joe Franklin, another of Billy’s roommates, added. He continued, “This kid took his girlfriend out to a pasta restaurant because he was able to find free coupons for dinner there. Now I’m not an expert, but if I weighed over two hundred pounds and looked like he did, I wouldn’t have done it. I would have said to myself, ‘if any living female is able to tolerate eating at close quarters with me they can get whatever they want.’ But not Billy. This kid is super cheap.”
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Billy later told The Black Sheep why he had such a sweet spot for expensive liquor, “Liquor is my one vice, the Adderall I buy off friends is to help me focus on my geography homework—we’re learning the continents right now, and Antarctica is a real bitch. The weed I smoke is medicinal, it helps me come down off the Adderall, you know? So I sometimes treat myself to these things. Have you ever had a Bud Light, bro? It’s way better than Keystone Light. Actually, hey, you want one right now?” Still, something seemed amiss. Billy not only bought nice liquor, he shared it like it was no big deal, even giving some to strangers. . Upon further investigation, we finally found an old childhood friend to go on record. Wishing to remain anonymous he left us a prerecorded voice message on an encrypted flash drive: “Yeah, Billy realizes those who live with him don’t really enjoy hanging out with him. Actually, they like living with him about as much as third world countries enjoy poverty. He shares his liquor to help smooth over their differences. It never works, but at least people give him the fifteen minutes.” Our extensive interviews with others showed that this often is that case with Billy’s “friends.” Though having a lack of altruistic motives, we can tell that Billy changed the game forever. “I feel pretty bad putting out plastic handles of stuff when my friends are over. I mean, these are the people I like, not some animals.” A roommate of Billy’s said adding, “If Billy can manage to give people the liquor of their dreams, well, then I gotta get a handle of Captain or something.”
s s e u G the
the crossword ACROSS: 3) The drummer of The Roots. 5) Legendary drag queen famous for saying, “You better work.” 6) Eccentric, blinged-out pianist. 7) Most famous Icelandic performer. 8) Producer and rapper, also the name of a shoe brand. 9) This massive basketball player often goes by just this first name. 11) This singer went by just a symbol at one point. 13) High-end Italian fashion company. 15) His first and middle name was Wolfgang Amadeus. 16) “Yo dog, I heard you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while you drive.” 19) Italian model with gorgeous hair. DOWN: 1) This rapper biggest hit was 2006’s “Ridin’.” 2) Lead singer of The Smiths. 4) “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” 5) Her instagram name is badgalriri.
famous one-word people 10) Blue Ivy’s mother. 11) Famous Native American associated with the colonial settlement of Jamestown, Virginia. 12) The best-selling female recording artist of all time. 14) This “L.E.S. Artistes” real name is Santi White. 17) He’s got two turntables and a microphone. 18) The breakout star of D12.
the madlib
scrolling through twitter
Whoops, here we go again. I was sitting on the bus, on my way to ___1___’s apartment, trying to drink some ___2___ and maybe play some ___3___, you know, really chill out for a bit. But then I got on Twitter and I became stressed.
So then I tweeted, “Heading to ___15___’s to zen out. Namaste.”
Almost instantly ___16___ favorited my tweet and I instantly felt self-conscious. Namaste? What the fuck! I’ve only done yoga once and it was during spring ___4___ tweeted a picture of herself licking a bottle of break ___17___ and I ended up leaving half way ___5___ with her legs wrapped around ___6___ with through because I was___18___-hungover and pukthe caption, “YOLO, gettin’ mad ___7___and getting ing. turnt up in ___8___!” I was like, okay that ___9___ but low-key I was jealous. Should I be doing the same? By the time I got off the bus, all I wanted to do was rip shots of ___19___. And wouldn’t you know it, Then I saw The Onion tweeted a headline, “19-year-old I walked into my friend’s living room and saw her Says Her Future as a ___10___ Will Go Well, ___11___ drinking from a fifth. Laughs.” But that’s what I’m studying!!! What, should I change my major to ___12___ and never drink and “I was just sitting on Facebook and started feeling restay in ___13___ all day and night and just chain ally bad about myself,” she said, looking at me with already glossed-over eyes. “And I have ___20___ in smoke ___14___??? UGH. the oven.” I walked over to her, took a swig, gave her a hug, and realized everything was alright.
1) Friend 2) Type of beer 3) Old-school game 4) Young female celebrity 5) Liquor 6) Gangster rapper 7) Slang for intoxicated 8) Major city 9) Derogatory term for women 10) Career 11) World leader 12) Hard major 13) Main library name 14) Cigarette brand 15) Friend from #1 16) Annoying acquaintance 17) Year you graduated from high school 18) Fruity drink 19) Popular liquor 20) Dessert