The Black Sheep
F aw REE es ... l om ik eHea al pee lo k wee int n oy sk ou ivv r ies !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 7 10/25/12 - 10/31/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUTK
Campus Horror Stories: “Paranormal ActivUTy” Mary Moss wrote this Halloween is just around the corner, and it’s no coincidence that our school colors here are orange. Knoxville has a past… a deep, dark past that dates back to the first settlements in our beloved state. Over 200 years old, the university was founded eight years after the settlement of Tennessee’s first capitol - Knoxvegas. Students and civilians attempted to alleviate the pain and horrors of living in the 18th century (how AWFUL it must have been). This was a time when modern medicine was in its infancy, and the south was still biting the bullet for any amputation or fracture. Many savagely unbalanced, pain-ridden crazies were running around during the creation of campus, and unsurprisingly, they’re the source of some creepy sounds and smells in the walls of old UT. Given so much history surrounding our campus, the spooks and scares are liable to be around every turn. Not every haunting is bad. However, we may need to phone in Bill Murray for a few of these weirdies: Smokey Bones: There’s this huge-ass dog with massive claws and teeth that guards The Hill. You know, it needs guarding and whatnot. Some describe it as a barghest, but the “less nerdy” say it’s just like the beast in The Hound of the Baskervilles. After personally seeing it, you’ll know that it is nothing less than the scariest sight you’ve ever come across. The dog’s eyes glow freaky red and its fangs are all up in your face. You can hear lonely, desperate howling on a full moon. Skeptical? Try asking the UTPD about their frequent calls regarding this beast. Still skeptical? Try taking a late night camping trip to Ayers and start grilling out. Don’t say you weren’t warned when you end up at the ER with ghost rabies. Hoskins Ho: No wonder this library has been moved to the D-list of academic resources for UT students – it’s haunted. Ever question why it smells like breakfast? The essence of this building alone haunts grad students in their dreams, and a little petty cornbread-baking bitch is running around pressing elevator buttons and knocking books off shelves - books that could potentially kill you. “Evening Primrose” is her stage name, but feel free to call her anything if you want to provoke her into following you into in the bathroom for a trick or treat. Don’t say you weren’t warned when you wind up at the hospital with ghost scabies. AMB Star: “Fanny” was a limelight whore, active in many local plays in the 1920’s. She somehow impressed some “producers” in “Hollywood” in charge of “the pictures,” but she suddenly fell ill and died from tuberculosis (no antibiotics = another reason it would’ve sucked to live a billion years ago; she should’ve listened to the
Alternatives for the Overdone Slutty Costumes
How to look like a whore without being just another whore.
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grade A medical advice and slept with the windows open). So, this bitter chick roamed the Old Science Hall before it was torn down, she then moved to the AMB. Cox Auditorium is the prime location to catch her heckling performances. Seeing her is funny/scary/sad, like watching Christopher Walken in Balls of Fury. There are a few more ghostly encounters, but unlike the first three, there is less concrete evidence to who, or what, these beings might be: Union soldiers have been spotted playing flip cup and sevens outside of Perkins at midnight, congregating over maps and telling fateful stories of the war. Well, that explains why there hasn’t been a ghostly southern uprising in the Knoxville area. On some evenings, a loner in a bowler hat joins students on their walk up the steps of The Hill, head bent and hands behind his back.
what’s inside
October is for (Boob) Lovers
Wait, so October is for everyone? Finally!
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He won’t speak to you, but if his hat were to be removed you could see the gaping hole in his head from his suicide over some cheating hussy. The graves on campus hold spirits that can’t be tamed. Hamilton Mound on the Ag campus contains anywhere from ten to one hundred Native Americans. If you listen intently when the Wingapo winds blow south, you can hear them crying about their braids. Many more creepy stories and forces exist within our university, yet some are too dangerous to reveal. Thirty-four accounts of some sort of paranormal encounter have been reported this month so far, and the number will continue to rise unless caution is taken. If you’re going to mess with this devil shit, at least record it and get plenty of T&A camera shots, so we can get weird and famous for something else!
The Top 10: Worst Costumes to Hook Up In
Check this out before deciding on your outfit
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contents page 5: From the streets
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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What slutty Halloween costume would you like to see the opposite sex wearing?
page 11: The Black Sheep Interviews: The Hush Sound
Table of
After a short hiatus, this Chicago band is back with a reunion tour
page 12: Bartender of the Week
Brittany T. at The Half Barrel felt no pain falling from heaven.
page 13: 7-Year-Old Boy Wanders on to Campus for Halloween, Nearly Seals the Deal Little Timothy leaves campus with more condoms than candy.
page 14: halloween bingo!
how many skanks can you spot out and about?
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word of the week Internpreter:
Colloquial term for a career center worker trained in parsing the vague language found in internship job postings.
“The internpreter I went to told me that ‘for class credit’ is just a nice way of saying an internship is unpaid.”
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Alternatives for the Overdone Slutty Costumes Katie Vaughn wrote this Oh Halloween, or, to those who are in college, “Free to look like a whore without any repercussions day!” The decorations, the candy, the costumes… we must have choices! Unfortunately the companies who supply us ladies with costumes have a small range of options. Sexy kitten, sexy witch, sexy cop, sexy Disney character, and my personal favorite, sexy nurse. And by “favorite” I mean “ew”, hello sexy nurse number 3,450,000. The other problem is that we get these cheap ass outfits only to wear for six hours, spill beer/liquor/unidentified liquids on it, and have the cape part break off and then never touch it again. Here are some good ideas for ladies that still enjoy the concept of showing some skin, but want to stand out more than the bitch with the leotard on next to her.
waist. Not only do you look perfectly slutty, but it makes for great conversation starters – really, you’re wearing a trash can.
Princess Anna from Van Helsing: Okay, so our girl crush on Kate Beckinsale has a little to do with this, but also there’s the fact that she’s just a straight-up badass in the movie. Her attire consists of black leggings, tall boots, black leather corset, and an old as shit but still cool jacket. Sexy. We know. You would also get 1,000 cool points for trying to out the Transylvanian accent. It’s an original and still completely doable outfit.
Sexually Charged Energizer Bunny: All the bunny essentials could be found at any major Halloween store. Now get yourself some glasses, a white or pink tank top and pink booty shorts. It would be absolutely fantastic if you could get “I can keep going, and going, and going” on the ass - just a thought. The drum part might be a little tricky, but worse case scenario is you can just get two padded drum sticks and just drum your boobs, that’ll cause quite the stir.
Trashy Oscarina the Grouch: It’s simple and still relays the message that tonight, and only tonight, you are DTF. Get some green fabric, make a little tube top and matching skirt, and walk around with a small trashcan around your
Hungry for the Lunch Lady: This time the lunch lady is servin’ up some steamy sex appeal. Instead of overweight, smelly 60 year-old lady, you are going to be the young, hot, and drunk lunch lady. Triple whammy. You must get a simple
Patrick Pornstar: Sponge Bob has been done, and everyone seems to forget his incredibly compelling sidekick, Patrick Star. This couldn’t be easier - the dude wears only green shorts. Now ladies, we’re not saying to take this opportunity to remain as close to the character as possible, giving everyone a free show, unless it’s around 4 a.m. and tequila is telling you to let it all to hang out. In that case, we salute you. Just grab some green and purple boxers from the men’s section in Dillard’s and use a bikini top to cover your lady bits. It’s flawless.
button down dress but only button the last few, an apron that says “cum and get it” and a hair net. Yes, you have to wear the hair net. Some of these might seem a little outlandish, but we can guarantee you that it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, because on Halloween people only remember where they started drinking. The dressing up part is really only for the post-Halloween creeps that enjoy looking at the pictures of you and your friends in these slutty costumes.
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From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What slutty Halloween costume would you like to see the opposite sex wearing? “A nurse… Already equipped with butt chugging necessities.” - Tanner J., Senior
“I’m hoping to see A LOT of Magic Mike’s this year.” - Beth R., Senior
“The one that gives the most blowjobs.” - Carter A., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Halloween’s Sexiest, Sluttiest Costumes… for Men TBS STAFF wrote this There’s always that one sourpuss who complains about how revealing women’s costumes are come Halloween, but let’s be serious here: No level of white knighted-ness is going to stop girls from partaking in such a rousing night of mini-skirts, bunny ears, or nothing at all. But with so many scantily clad sailors, soldiers and nurses, Halloween is growing a little stale on the female front. Here are some costume ideas for men so they can spice things up with that one night where guys can just be slutty for a change: Male French Maid: Lace up a dude with heels, stockings, a blouse, and a little hat, and you’ve got yourself a bona fide French manservant who isn’t afraid to “get into those tight corners.” A guy can even add in a feather duster to accentuate his manly arms whilst getting some cleaning done around the apartment. No matter what accessories you tack on, you still won’t have to shave your legs. David Bowie: It’s not cross-dressing, but it’s pretty damn close. If you have the time (and the funds) to turn yourself into the glitterdazzled, fire red-haired wonder that was 70s Bowie, then there’s no way you wouldn’t be able to get Ziggy with it. With enough androgyny to confuse Boy George, you’ll attract the eyes of both sexes no matter where you go with that skin-tight, god-knowswhat-material suit and those sunken cheekbones that scream, “I’m not afraid to be ‘Under Pressure’!” Also, the Bowie Bulge, if any lesser man can manage it, is always a plus. UPS Man: Just to get it out of the way, yes, the endless barrage of your friends drunkenly sputtering, “Do you have a package for me?” and commenting on the thigh high short-shorts is going
to grow tiresome, but being a UPS delivery man has way more benefits than simply dropping off the goods. For one, it opens up windows of opportunity such as showing up to parties completely unannounced and at the worst possible time. You could even do something goofy like bringing a Sharpie along to have people “sign for their package” on your skin, which could either be phenomenally hysterical or abysmally traumatizing the next morning. Think Momento with less important reminders and more poorly-drawn penises. Cupid: If girls can pass off concealing 10% of their skin as a costume, then a guy donning nothing more than a diaper/cheetahprint Speedo and a quiver full of phallic arrows should be acceptable. As the God of Love, you may not have the same appeal as a buff Tarzan or the Old Spice guy, but you instead have the responsibility of being one hell of a wingman. Even on Halloween, the line between “hilariously adorable” and “public indecency” is regrettably unclear. Genghis Khan: Was he the best looking ancient warlord? Probably not. But the power dynamic of being a fearsome, tyrannical conqueror of many a nation offers a hefty bit of attraction, but for a guy’s sexual sphere to peak at around 2,000 to 3,000 women, there’s got to be an overlooked tender side to him. It’s either that, or Genghis Khan was just a complete and totally shameless man-whore. The armored costume might not be the most revealing of the night, but using “I’m the sluttiest emperor the Mongolian empire has ever seen” as a pickup line will definitely cause some swooning.
Slutty Abraham Lincoln: He’s America’s favorite sixteenth president and an absolute heartthrob. He may have not had the charisma of Bill Clinton or the spirited charm of JFK, but Abe Lincoln’s “Work hard, play hard” attitude (which was his campaign slogan) stands as the staple for this costumes rugged manliness and political promiscuity. Just toss on a top hat, a fake beard, prosthetic mole, and a pair of button pants with cufflinks, and you’ll be ready to emancipate this proclamation. If things become too risqué, just toss on a hoodie to become Casual Abraham Lincoln, one more focused on just chilling and having a lax time, man. Gentlemen, don’t be afraid to show a little skin this Halloween season. You’ve been hitting the gym hard enough; it’s time to show off what you’ve got. Unless you’ve already gained more than your freshman fifteen this early on in the year. In that case, just stay out of our sight, please.
The Top 10
Worst Costumes to Hook Up In 10.) Pikachu: Just envision this for a second. Things are getting real hot and heavy, and this chick you snagged seems to be down for anything. She starts to unzip your pants and head down south, but instead of focusing on the good feeling, all you can see is your favorite childhood character and its electric tail bouncing up and down around your knees. Pika! Pika!
October is for (boob) Lovers Emily Hagenburger wrote this It’s October, so that means Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Some of you may only know this by watching NFL games and realizing they’re wearing all that pink for a reason, and for others this may be a very near and dear subject. It’s The Black Sheep believe that breast cancer awareness is a very worthy cause. But at the same time, it makes us realize that there are many other causes out there that don’t get the same amount of publicity and respect. Take, for example, testicular cancer. Right, dudes? They would all agree that testicles are just as important as breasts, if only in a sort of “show and blow” relationship. Yet, there’s no month dedicated solely to this disease where football players wear… what color would illustrate testicular cancer? Blue? Maroon? Perriwinkle? Anyway, there are no armbands that are dedicated to testicular cancer awareness and no bumper stickers that say “Save the Testes” or “I Love Testes” with two cupped hands. We have a problem with that. While we’re at it, there is a veritable fountain of issues that need to be brought to light. Why don’t they all get their own month? What about the homelessness problem? There should totally be a Homeless Awareness Month where people run marathons, or sleep in parks to raise money for the homeless. An Orphan Awareness Month would totally up the adoption rates, where football replaces the football with little orphan kids and wear yellow, since that’s the official color of orphans. It’s also very, very important to be aware of things like stop signs, people. Stop sign awareness should be promoted throughout the nation. Why can’t they make them a bright neon color? Traffic safety is important, y’all. Don’t drink and drive. Click it or ticket. Stop Sign Awareness Month. It would save lives. Football players could have red gloves, and have to obey various stop signs placed throughout the fields. “We break for stop signs” bumper stickers could be sold at $30 apiece, with all the money going to… The Black Sheep for coming up with the idea and saving all those lives.
9.) Hot Dog or Banana Suit: Not only are these unoriginal, but their full-length zippers should strike fear in any male. If you bring home a kinky lil’ thing, make sure she takes it slow. Last thing you want to do is snip your weenie off before the big moment. 8.) Cardboard Robot: You’ll be lucky if you even get a girl back to your place in this clunky, awkward thing. It can’t be that easy to grind on chicks at the bar in this boxy outfit, let alone make it through the door. And nothing hurts more than a cardboard cut on the dong. 7.) Anything With a Mask: Face it, you got a costume with a mask because you’re absolutely hideous. How happy do you think your hook up will be when she finds out you’re actually more disgusting than a bloody zombie get-up? Or you can always just keep wearing the mask and hope that makes things better, although that makes oral sex a bit difficult to accomplish. 6.) Expensive Rental Costume: You know the rules: You break it, you buy it. Ditch the elaborate Marie Antoinette-style dress on Halloween. You’ll be too lazy to take the costume off the right way; ripping and tearing will ensue. And a little bad aim will leave you trying to convince the costume shop that the semen stain was really there before you rented it. Good luck. 5.) Duct Tape Crayola Crayon: Sure, making your own duct tape outfit is cheap, creative, and a great way to show off your well-toned bod, but it can’t be that pleasant to take off. Besides the sweat that will build up and fester under the tape during the night, ripping it off in a fit of passion is sure to remove some skin as well. Ouch.
Why isn’t there more publicity for problems like cougar attacks? In the past ten years alone there have been at least three fatalities from cougar attacks. THREE. And who knows the statistics for the amount of unsuspecting young men seduced by older women. That one’s probably in the thousands, and those totally count as attacks. Why isn’t this issue as important, huh? Think of all the awareness the NFL could spread for “attractive older women seducing younger men” – we smell a Bud Light commercial!
4.) Something That Involves a Lot of Bare Skin: Being a surfer bro or never-nude Tobias Fünke gives you a chance to show off your washboard abs, and what girl doesn’t like that? But Halloween night is going to be a chilly one, and you’ll be begging for more layers after a while. Freezing your ass off makes for an awkward bedroom moment when she pulls off your boxers and shrinkage has taken its toll.
Also, guys, something to stay very aware of is that not all freshmen are actually 18 yet. You may think that since they are in college, it can be automatically assumed that they are “legal” or whatever. But beware, there are some young’uns that sneak in. Just something to be aware of, fellas. Awareness can cover a wide range of issues, and the NFL can only warn you about so many – but we think they could cook something up with Cleatus the FOX Sports Robot having to make sure a sexy younger robot is 18 (or 3 in Robot Years).
3.) Baby: Aw, how precious. Your cute little diaper, button nose, curly pigtails, and the pacifier you keep seductively rubbing across your lips. If he has a younger sister, this is all that’s going to be running through his mind while you’re on top. And two, if he continues to bang you after this realization, dude’s a perv, and you should bounce.
And, why don’t breasts themselves get any attention? They don’t need admiration only in October, okay? Tittaaayyyyys should be appreciated all the year round. Picture some boobs right now, they’re great. Ladies, proudly bare your breasts always, and don’t only think about their wellbeing during the month of October. Fellas, you already love them, so give them the awareness they deserve. Halloween’s coming up, don’t shy away from telling the Slutty Oscar the Grouch how nice her boobs are looking –“They rest on my arm like a bird on a perch.” So, while you are certainly encouraged to proudly display your pink and support Breast Cancer Awareness, just keep in mind these other issues that are also worth your attention. And write to your congressman to establish Testicular Cancer Awareness Month 2013.
2.) Member of the Opposite Sex: Yeah that guy may be totally hot underneath the fake boobs, blonde wig, and mini skirt, but having to strip that all off of him feels a bit … odd, doesn’t it? Oh my God, what if it isn’t a guy underneath? What if he’s really a she? Things sure got hot in a hurry. 1.) Penis Suit: Needless to say, she’ll be quite disappointed when your shlong ain’t as long and girthy as the one you were wearing all night.
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SPECIAL NIGHT THURS 10/25
Modoc at 10PM Half-Off Bottles of Wine until 10pm
FRI 10/26
90.3 Presents HONDOWEEN with Shifty & The Headmasters & Marina Orchestra Live at 10PM!
SAT 10/27
Friday:
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King Super & The Excellents Live at 10PM! Football on Big Screens All Day!
SUNDAY! NFL Sunday Ticket!
WEDNESDAY: Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
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Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
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$2.50 blue moon drafts
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NV College Night! 18 and up $2 Domestics and $4 Shooters Until Midnight
FREE BEER! $5 Liquor Pitcher ($3 Add Another Shot) $3 Wells, $3 Apple Pie Moonshine, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
BEAT BAMA!
SOUTHBOUND Total Request DJ Dance Party
NV Top 40 Dance Party 21 and up
Karaoke! $5 Liquor Pitchers ($3 Add Another Shot) $4 32oz Drafts, $4 Fireball Shots $3 Wells, $3 24oz Natty & Keystone $2 PBR & Highlife Tallboys
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Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
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$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $5.50 Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day. $0.50 Wings, $3.99 Cheeseburgers and Fries
SUN 10/28
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MON 10/29
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NFL MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL $5.50 Domestic Pitchers $0.50 Wings, Pitchers and Happy Hour Wells All Day
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
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Half Price Pint Night
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Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Call (865) 414-6050 to set up your private party!
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
WED 10/31
NFL Sunday Ticket!
The Broadcast at 10PM
$1.50 PBR Tall Boys
Carleo’s Winedown Wednesday! $2 Glasses of Wine
Check out carleoentertainment.com for upcoming events!
Book Your Private Parties Here! 865-525-0004 rumorz@charter.net
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the interview
the hush sound
The Hush Sound is a Chicago rock band that plays music and has also been known to eat food. After going on hiatus in 2009, they recently announced a reunion tour. To celebrate, we deigned to speak with vocalist and guitarist Bob Morris, as well as vocalist and pianist Greta Morgan. They were nice. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: What brought about The Hush Sound doing a reunion tour after being on hiatus for several years? Bob Morris: It was a perfect storm. We were happy just doing shows together once in a while, but our personal lives just all lined up. Greta and I got back in touch, we’ve grown in some cool ways and we’re all excited to play music together again, so we decided to tour. TBS: When you say, “getting back in touch,” what do you mean by that? Like, what to what degree did you guys stay in touch when you were on hiatus? Bob: Stressing about the break, or without the understanding of what we were, there wasn’t that much communication. Time heals all wounds. We realized that there wasn’t anything actually wrong, it was just issues we created ourselves. The day I quit this other band I instinctually called Greta. She’s like family, even if we were mad at each other at some point. Eventually we started hanging out and playing music, and we decided to do a tour. TBS: What’s it like preparing for a tour when you haven’t played music together regularly for several years? Greta Morgan: We take it on a show-by-show basis. We’ve played a few times a year for the past three years. Whether they were private college shows or hometown Chicago shows, we’ve been getting together, rehearsing the songs. Approaching these old songs, we can find something new in an old lyric, something that’s about our lives now. I mean, I wrote most of these songs before I graduated high school, and we put out our last album when I was 18, I think. TBS: So do you ever look back at your songs and say, “What the hell was I thinking?” Bob: Yes, I do think that sometimes. At the same time, when you say something and you’re young, it’s before you’ve seen anything in the world, so it’s this primal, reactionary thing. I think there’s something special about a band’s first album that is hard to replicate, but as you do it again you get better and better at expressing yourself. TBS: Is there anything where it’s just too embarrassing, where it’s just like, “No way we’re doing this song?” Greta: Oh yeah. Bob: Oh yeah. Greta: That’s what I was saying about finding something new about a song. There are a few songs during rehearsal where Bob would say, “There’s no emotion to your vocals,” but it’s hard to flash back to when you’re 16 so you can feel it. Bob would say, “Try it like it’s an instrument— like you’re a trombone player or it’s a flute.” Bob saying that all of a sudden shows you this old thing in a new way and you can find something new in it. TBS: What do you expect to get out of this short tour? Greta: It’s just an experiment to see how much fun we can have touring and playing together. Also, it’s really exciting to reconnect with fans that saw us in 2005 or 2006, their tastes have changed, as have ours. Beyond that, it’s wild to see these kids all grown up with their husbands or wives or kids. It’s a wild transition. Bob: And to your point about music taking on a new meaning, a friend of ours, Eric from Gold Motel (Ed. Note: Greta’s other band) just tweeted about how music you listen to when you’re 14 to 17 sticks with you. I know what he’s talking about—when I listen to some of the punk I listened to growing up, I think “Man, some of this is really awful.” TBS: Yeah, I know an embarrassing amount of KoRn songs. Speaking of touring, what’s the weirdest venue you’ve played in? Bob: We’ve played in a parking lot of Augusta, Georgia when the promoter didn’t have a PA, and a club in Long Island that had glass showers all around the club. Greta: Yeah, it was a strip club turned into a rock club. It was super-weird. When we started we’d play basements, Legion halls and VFWs. TBS: How do you engage with a crowd when you’re on stage? Greta: It’s really up to the band to start the ignition, but whether or not the audience responds in an excited, unguarded way, or if they stand back and just hang out, that determines how a show will go. Bob: And however potent the ecstasy is that we hand out before the show. TBS: Remind me to stop by your show.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
cloud atlas in theaters october 26
This trippy movie starring Tom Hanks and Halle Berry tells a tale of how your individual actions from way back in the day will effect what happens to you (and others) well into the future, even when “you” aren’t around anymore. Equal parts action, mystery, and romance, this film sees actors negotiate different roles in different points in the movie’s history. They’re the same, but different. Whoa, man, this is deep.
the walking dead sunday, october 28 at 9pm on amc
In the third episode of season three Andrea and Michonne are still struggling through the zombie apocalypse, but they do stumble upon a new community of survivors. Now an epic decision needs to be made; should they stay with them via the whole “power in numbers” philosophy, or should they stick with what they know? #zombieproblems
calvin harris - 18 months in stores october 30
18 Months is the third studio release from Scottish DJ and producer Calvin Harris, the same guy who brought you “Feel So Close,” the whimsical tune about the feelings EDM kids get when they take drugs together and go to a Calvin Harris show. His latest single “Sweet Nothing” features the lovely sounds of Florence Welch, which seems appropriate given the title of the song.
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bartender of the week Brittany T. The Half Barrel Relationship Status: Taken Best drunk munchie food: Gus’s Deli Favorite show: Weeds Best hangover cure: Pickle juice, straight from the jar. Superhero: Batman. ‘Cause I get to wear a cool cape. Favorite videogame: Streetfighter… I kick everyone’s ass for sure. Favorite book: Twilight... guilty. Favorite drinking game: Landmines Best tailgate beer: I’m a Coors Light girl.
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7-Year-Old Boy Wanders on to Campus for Halloween, Nearly Seals the Deal UTK Staff wrote this Timothy Collins, age seven, found himself in the middle of campustown late Wednesday night after being separated from his older brother. Timothy, a resident of Knoxville, was out trick-ortreating with his sibling when Matthew, age twelve, complained that his little brother was slowing him down saying, “The good candy will be all gone by the time we get there.” Matthew allegedly ran ahead of his brother until he was out of view. “The little snot,” as referred to by Matthew, then began to wander west towards campus until he found himself on 22nd Street. Timothy began to notice the alcohol-to-candy ratio rapidly increasing after he crossed Cumberland Street. He began to feel uneasy after being heckled by several passersby, while some threw half-empty beer bottles at Timothy’s feet. “I thought that dude was just some freshman looking for a party to sneak into or something,” Jeremy Singer, a junior in advertising remarked after he reportedly called Timmy a “chubby little douchenugget.” After being shoed away by several doormen and even receiving a wristband at one bar, Timothy ventured away from what he called “the scary people street” and made his way south where he attempted to resume trick-or-treating. “No one gave me much candy, but I got a fun-sized Jose Cuervo and half of a Jimmy John’s Sandwich. I don’t know what either of those things are.” Timothy encountered several other drunken individuals as he
made his way from apartment to apartment. “I saw a Pikachu, a witch, and a Teletubby who showed me her boobies. They all smelled like my Uncle Tony after Thanksgiving.” As Timothy continued along his way he was accosted by several men on the rooftop of a fraternity house. John Walker, senior in chemistry remarked, “Yeah we saw this tiny skeleton walking down Fraternity Park Drive, and we all thought, ‘holy crap, is that a dwarf?’ Right then we knew we needed that little bastard at our party.” Timothy, was invited into the party but was stopped at the door by one of the brothers. “Yeah, the guy at the front said that they’re a top house, and if I tell people I’m a brother I can get any job I want and any girl I want. There’s nothing I can’t have. Mommy said those guys are what she calls ‘tools’,” Timothy explained about the encounter. Inside the party Timothy searched for candy but unfortunately for him his efforts were in vain. “They didn’t have any candy, but I did find a lot of plastic tubes that smelled like skunks and a whole box of little balloons called Magnums.” Timothy wandered about the dance floor where, according to eyewitnesses, several fraternity brothers lifted him up to crowd surf. Due to his reported “coolness” he was invited upstairs for a VIP party in one of the brother’s rooms. In this room was where Timothy ran into Jennifer Rawlings, freshman in communication and reported mattress queen of the fraternity house.
Y A D N U F Y A D SUN
“I remember this cute guy walking in dressed up as a skeleton, and I figured that since none of the other brothers will touch me anymore I’d try my chances with him,” Jennifer commented. According to reports she took Timothy to an empty room and attempted to flirt with him but was unsuccessful when Timothy remarked that she was icky and had cooties. Upon exiting the room moments later several fraternity brothers cheered for Timothy because, reportedly, “someone had finally blue-balled that bitch.” Timothy was then handed a formal bid by the president of and was invited to play some ultimate Frisbee in Tyson Park at noon the next day. It was shortly after this incident that police arrived on the scene and busted the party. The police discovered Timothy there and thought it was just an innocent misunderstanding but were forced to place the child under arrest for having several grams of marijuana in his trickor-treating bag.
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How you die: Honeymoon Destination: • By creepy kids • A zombie attack • Sunny Transylvania • Becoming possessed • A cabin in the woods • Stabbing. Lots of stabbing. • Amityville • The Overlook Hotel shared tombstone quote: favorite rom-com: • Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness • “ ‘Till death do us fart!” • “We’ll be back.” • Troll 2 • “Eh. Have you seen a horror • Killer Klowns from Outer movie?” Space • “Paging Dr. Frankenstein!” • The Killer Condom
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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