Tennessee - Issue 8 - 12/4/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Volume 7 Cards Against Humanity

st Humanity Cards Again Cards Against Humanity

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Emily Hagenburger

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Burning Man isn’t over, is it?”

THE ALASKAN FIREDRAGON

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

CALLANDER A person who, when on the phone, always manages to think of one more thing to talk about. “…and one more thing,” Erin, a habitual callander, said, “did you hear about Karen last week?”

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Played quarterback for Louisiana Tech.

Made comments to GQ that many perceived as homophobic.

Has a memoir titled, Happy, Happy, Happy.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_UTK

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

FUN & GAMES

MY PROFESSOR SCREWED ME, DAD! I swear Dad, it’s not my fault I got a __(1)__ this semester. The teacher totally __(2) __ me! One day it was __(3) __ so hard I couldn’t make it to class, and they counted me absent! Then another time, my __(4)__ was so swollen there’s no way I could walk all the way to __(5)__ to take that __(6)__ test! My teacher didn’t believe these __(7)__ excuses and my friends told me that the prof does that because she’s a __(8)__. And then there was another time when __(9)__ told me that __(10)__ would force all the students that did badly on the test to__(11)__ with her. I saw her on The Strip one Friday night so __(12)__ that she didn’t even respond to her own name. She was wearing a/an __(13)__ and didn’t even look like herself. I was suspicious as to where she was going, so I followed her sneakily, like a __(14)__. She went to a __(15)__ club. She’s a total __(16)__. As I followed behind her, she saw me and __(17)__ me on the shoulder. She said that if I ever told anyone she was a __(18)__ she would fail me. I __(19)__ went onto Yik Yak because it’s anonymous and she would never find out. Lo and behold though, my teacher Yaks off all the time. Running out of options, I had no choice but to go to her house on the other side of Knoxville where I __(20)__, but accidentally left a trail of evidence back to me. The next day in class I tried to explain while __(21)__ her, but she wouldn’t listen. It’s not my fault she’s such a __(22)__. I studied harder than __(23)__ but __(24)__ obviously just hates me.

BUSY. BUSY. BUSY. BUSY. BUSY. ATTENTION STUDENTS OF

CLUE BANK 1) Letter grade 2) Synonym for sex ending in –ed 3) Weather event ending in –ing 4) Body part 5) Tennessee campus building 6) Naughty adjective 7) Expletive 8) Degrading noun 9) Friend’s name 10) Professor’s name 11) Inappropriate verb 12) Synonym for inebriated 13) Slutty clothing item 14) Sneaky animal 15) Leisure activity 16) Zoo animal 17) Verb ending in –ed 18) Obscure profession 19) Adverb 20) Illegal activity 21) Sexy verb ending in -ing 22) Modern slang word 23) Famous genius or scholar 24) A supernatural force/being

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Life ins

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Scott Hannah wrote this Trees grow barren, the sun leaves us for greener pastures, and idiots go around telling complete strangers, “So much for global warming.” It’s winter, and although it brings with it many holidays that give us excuses to drink, it also brings an event that requires us to drink: Finals. For some, these finals are the only thing that stand between them and getting a dreaded “real job,” but for many this is only a stepping stone towards the finish line that is liver disease graduation. With these cold times students will be looking for a place to be warm, which is usually either the library or the bottom of a bottle of their beverage of choice. So in order to stay extra warm, we have come up with a drinking game for being in our favorite place, Hodges!

-Walk around and look at computer screens; if people are actually doing work, take a modest sip for them doing the right thing. If they’re on Buzzfeed looking at some list of cats in costumes that “just can’t,” take a swig for them—there’s no way they’re just taking a little study break like they keep telling themselves.

What You Need: Beer or liquor of your choice, discretion, a sense that you’ve lost the will to live. Number of Players: You’re alone in this world. Intoxication Level: Reading is fun. So, so, fun.

Chug Your Drink or Take a Shot When: -When you catch a peer filling an Amazon shopping cart full of things they want for Christmas. Like them, you assume things will work themselves out and you won’t have to stumble home to the Fort drunk off your ass and cold as shit because the T will definitely come pick you up at 3 a.m. -Whenever you see someone walk in with a t-shirt and shorts. You need to have brain freeze in solidarity with this man of the frozen tundra. -If you see someone with a blanket, take a shot and then go try and snuggle up with them. If they need a little convincing, bring them a shot too.

Take A Drink Every Time: -Someone enters Hodges with at least five layers on. Don’t stop until they’ve taken all their extra clothes off. -If you can get a seat close enough to Starbucks, take a drink every time a girl orders a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Warning: this rule is not for beginners.

Finish Your Drink When: -If you see somebody give up studying completely and just watching an entire Christmas movie, finish your drink in camaraderie, for they too have given up. -If you find someone sleeping, find a partner and take turns putting things on them until they wake up. Just like Jenga, the loser cleans up and finishes his drink.

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- If someone is playing Taylor Swift’s new album 1989 out of their speakers or really loudly in their headphones finish your drink-- because you’re going to need all the courage you can get if you’re going to “Shake It Off” in the middle of Hodges (and you know you’ll have to).

The Game Ends When: A Hodges security guard ends up angrily chasing you around the library. You’ll end up in jail and you’ll have to call your parents to explain—legitimately—why you’ll have to miss a final or two.

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Hodges Library Drinking Game: Winter Finals Are Coming

‘TIS THE SEASON

THE TOP TEN

Presents UT Needs This Christmas, all we want from Santa is a better, more improved campus. You may be thinking, “aren’t we already getting that? Isn’t that what all this non-stop construction is for?” No plebian, we need more than a prettier UT in ten years. We need improvements now, dammit, and here’s our grown-up Christmas list of what this campus needs. 10.) Become a wet campus: Think of the freedom. It would be as though a mass paranoia was just lifted, all at once. However, this one is about as likely as Santa Claus riding a raptor down The Strip blaring “Rocky Top”. But hey, a Vol can dream. 9.) Escalators: This one is obvious. It’s 2014; no one should still be walking to class uphill both ways. Also, stairs are dangerous. One wrong step on your way back from Ayres and you’re tumbling down the mountain. Have you seen the traction on escalators? Practically impossible to fall down. 8.) An endless supply of water balloons on Pedestrian Walkway: Tired of nutjob street preachers? Don’t fret, just soak those suckers. Something tells us that this would discourage constant solicitation on the walkway.

THE REALITY OF HODGES LIBRARY Austin McLarurine wrote this

With finals around the corner you’ve started visiting Hodges; more than likely, for the first time. The Black Sheep wants to help you succeed, whether that be in your studies or in trying to act like you’re studying. We know Hodges can be intimidating, we’ve been there. So here’s a guide to finding your spot to study…cat videos, that is.

from a smarter student in the same class. Group presentations can be seen getting worked on, loudly. The desperation in the air is biting, loudly. The number of worried faces is only matched by the number of faces watching loud videos unrelated to school. If you can find a table, group floors aren’t a great idea for getting stuff done…loudly

1st Floor: This area is a last resort. No one wants to use a table out in the open with people walking around. The first floor can be chaos at the wrong hour. Most of the tables out there don’t have access to an outlet, which tells you how primitive the place is. You can also hear just about everything that is going on due to the extremely tall Hogwarts-style ceilings. The one positive in this situation are the rolling chairs, which can provide for some fun distractions. Your only hope of peace is finding a spot inside the Reference Reading Room, or if Josh Dobbs is smiling down on you, one of the study rooms.

Starbucks: Don’t try to find a table there; seriously, just don’t. If you really want to get some coffee that you convince yourself isn’t a milkshake, feel free to wait 45 minutes in the line. But if you stay around waiting for a table, you’ll be spending more money on grande fraps than you do on tuition.

Quiet Floors: The quiet floors work, in theory. Whether people will actually shut up and study is up to the bozos surrounding you. We recommend headphones. This area will fill up fairly quickly around exam time, so make sure you get there early to find a working wall outlet. The study carrels’ outlets don’t work and can ruin a potentially strong study session. If it comes down to it, act like a grad student and take one of their stalls. Whatever you do, don’t be that person who brings a friend up there and talks instead of working. Group Floors: The group floors might as well be a zoo. People don’t go here to study; they go to hopefully get some information about an exam

The Commons: The Commons is the gated community of the library. If you can find a study room in there, you’re golden. We’re not certain, but we’re pretty sure those study rooms are climate controlled. Nothing feels cooler—in terms of libraries, at least—than walking up to a study room and sliding open the door to find your closest friends huddled around a table. People will walk by with sad looks on their face and Charlie Brown music playing in their head. With the large TVs and the comfy rolling chairs, studying in these rooms can make the awful activity turn into something that’s actually kind of fun. The only problem with these rooms is that they aren’t soundproof, but at least you’re in good company. You’re surrounded by the elite. While in this room, you are the 1%. The Hodges Tower Ziggurat can be just as intimidating inside as it is outside, especially come finals season. But, with a little luck and a whole lot of caffeine, it can help you pass, too. Remember, C’s get degrees.

7.) More parking: Lots of it. This one is painfully obvious. In fact, you’re more likely to contract Ebola than find a parking spot on this campus, according to studies. Hell, if Santa brought this one to UT, Knoxville would be like Whoville on Christmas morning, dancing and singing in the streets. 6.) Free football tickets: Tuition’s going up every year and beer isn’t getting any cheaper either. If UT’s really that concerned with making money you think they’d let the suds start flowing freely in Neyland. Dave Hart, we’re looking at you. 5.) Handrails lining The Strip: Getting too drunk happens – and right now there’s not much to protect you from stumbling your way into an arrest or impact with a car on Cumberland Avenue. It may seem a little ridiculous, but it definitely wouldn’t hurt anything to keep you drunks off the asphalt and out of jail. 4.) Criminal prosecution for teachers who require expensive textbooks for their class and don’t use them at all: Seriously, this is about as cool as Derek Dooley’s lame ass. We can’t drop $150 for you to blab about other things all semester without once referencing this thick collection of pages that would be best utilized as kindling for a fire. 3.) A fifth year of eligibility for Peyton Manning: Just imagine what kind of Volmania this would cause. It’d be like Mardi Gras for Tennessee fans. Obviously, this is the most far-fetched thing on this list, but it would be the best Christmas miracle in the history of human existence. 2.) A Waffle House: Sure, the late-night drunken food spots on campus are pretty solid. But they’re no Waffle House. Only Waffle House is Waffle House. Nothing would complete these couple square miles of functioning alcoholism better than the restaurant that is constantly open and pretty much made for drunks.

1.) A top-25 academic ranking: This would be great for several reasons. First, everyone could quit bitching about it. Second, it would be nice to have a degree that will get us a job over some dumbass from Ole Miss. However, if it comes down to this one or a kick-ass football program, we think you know which one we really need.

Cory Chitwood wrote this

ON THE STREETS

the madlib SITTING ON SANTA’S LAP

What do you wish you told yourself on the first day of the semester?

DANIEL “Don’t take that anthropology class from 5:30-8:30 on Tuesday’s. It’s torture.”

Hey there, ya big, tubby bowl of __(1)__, how ya doing? If you are who you say you are, you know I haven’t come by the mall to talk to you since I was __(2)__, but it’s been a rough year, and I really need you to knock Christmas out of the park this year. Let me start by saying, is that a __(3)__in your pocket, or you just happy to see me? Seems so __(4)__ I could hang an ornament off it, am I right, you big, virile badass?

KELSEY “Don’t sign up for the online ‘self-esteem’ class, it’s not easy and you have to write a paper every week.”

This year I’m going to want a __(5)__, but not one of the cheap ones, one with plenty of __(6)__and __(7)__and everything. I actually have one on my Amazon Wish List, so just log in and check it out. I’m also going to want a __(8)__, a bottle of __(9)__and a lifetime supply of __(10)__. Hey fat man, don’t give me that look, that elf over there told me this is a __(11)__free zone. It’s not just that I want a lot of good stuff, I think my family deserves what’s comin’ to them, too. Get my mom a __(12)__for that time she didn’t get me a __(13)__for Christmas in 2003. Get my sister a __(14)__to remind her of the time she told my mom about __(15)__ in the basement when I was in high school. Karma’s a bitch, aye __(16)__? Finally, get my stepdad Todd a nice big pile of __(17)__. Just ‘cause you get to stuff it in my mom doesn’t mean you get to enjoy the holiday spirit, not with me around. Sorry you jolly bastard, there’s a flock of moms giving me the side-eye over there, so I’ll hop off to let a little __(18)__ hop on and __(19)__on your outfit. Sure you’ll love that. Also, Santa, remember, you better get me everything, I know where you live, and I will __(20)__you.

KATE “Apply for internships early!”

CLUE BANK 1. Kind euphemism for fat 2. Age you last visited a mall Santa 3. Christmas item 4. Adjective 5. Expensive present 6. Feature on #5 7. Feature found on #5 8. Cheap present 9. Something that comes in a bottle 10. Noun

11. Noun 12. Bad gift 13. Hot 2003 Christmas items 14. Karmic gift 15. Illicit high school activity 16. Sister name 17. Something gross 18. Small child synonym 19. Expulsion of bodily fluid 20. Verb

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SPECIAL NIGHT

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Happy Hour Monday-Friday, 3-7pm: $2 Pints, $5 Appetizers

Thursday

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Beer Bust from 9-12 DJ Snoop from 12-Close

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Sunday

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Jazz Brunch 12-2pm

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Monday

We’d Like to Host Your Parties or Business, Fraternity or Sorority Events! Call at (865) 347-2162 The Annex: 1920 Cumberland Ave, Knoxville

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Friday

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THE BAR GRID ON THE STRIP SATURDAY! $3 Domestic Bottles, $4 High Gravity Beers, $5 Walk Me Downs Live Music Upstairs

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Thursday

$3 Domestic Bottles $4 High Gravity Beers $5 Walk Me Downs DJ Stan Upstairs

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$1 Off Drafts before 8pm

Friday

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Saturday

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Sunday

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Monday

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Buy One 14” Specialty Pizza, Get Second One 1/2 Off

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Tuesday

American Night $2 Bud and Bud Lights, $4 Wild Turkey Honey, $5 American Harvest $5.99 Burgers

2 Calzones for $12

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Wednesday

A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

What’s the best way for you to

procrastinate for finals week?

A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO.5 ou 4

1) December Dates: What award, named after the eponymous man’s death, is given yearly on his birthday, December 10th? 2) Hanukkah: How many days is Hanukkah celebrated? 3) Christmas Carols: What famous carol contains the lines, “Not only green when summer’s here/ But also when it’s cold and drear”?

DEREK TELGRAD

CO-OWNER OF SERGEANT PEPPERONI’S

THE DRINKING GAME

6) Candy: Peppermint is a hybrid mint, a cross between watermint and what other kind of mint? 7) 2015: What 80s classic has a trio arriving to October 21st, 2015? 8) The Bible: According to the Bible, in what city was Jesus born?

4) Fad Gifts: Christmas 2004 saw Billy, who sang, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” What was Billy?

9) Festivus: The Festivus Feats of Strength ends when this happens to the head of the household.

5) Holiday Movies: This 2003 holiday Christmas hit originally had Jim Carrey attached to play the lead role.

10) New Year’s Eve: What city hosts an annual “Peach Drop” on New Year’s Eve?

Derek’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) The Pulitzer Prize 2) Eight 3) Winter Wonderland 4) I have no idea 5) The Grinch Who Stole Christmas 6) Garden mint 7) Back to the Future 8) Bethlehem 9) He or she is pinned 10) Atlanta

1) Nobel Prize 2) Eight 3) “O Christmas Tree” 4) Bass, or Big Mouth Bass 5) Elf 6) Spearmint 7) Back to the Future II 8) Bethlehem 9) He or she is pinned 10) Atlanta

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

WINTER WARMTH

EXTRA DEEP DISH PIZZA

So, you think you’re getting roped into a nice, tipsy drunk tonight, the kind that has you feelin’ real good inside? Very wrong. You’re going to need a lot of alcohol to numb your body from this frigid weather. Trust us, alcohol is the coziest blanket to keep you warm in this polar plunge, and we know you’ll be thanking us later.

Nothing warms the heart in this weather more than a deep dish pizza. This might not be restaurant quality, but hey, let’s just pretend you had enough foresight to call the ole pie shop before you got high.

What You’ll Need: A handle of cheap vodka and a campus full of people who give you reasons to drink. Level of Intoxication: Enough to make you think it’s appropriate to walk outside in just a shirt and pants and feel fine. How to Play: Post up at your window and take a pull from the handle when: - You see a basic white bitch wearing UGGs. Take two if it’s a dude. - You see somebody wipeout on ice or snow. Didn’t teach “walking” where yer from, huh? - You see a person wearing so much clothing you can’t see their skin. - You think you should have a snow day, but the administration snows on your parade and announces class is still on. - You see that one dude who thinks he’s too cool for the Mother Nature and wears shorts and a t-shirt outside. - There’s an attempt at a snowman, igloo, or a snow penis. Whatever works for you, man. - You see a foreigner (west coast student) questioning what snow really is.

What You’ll Need: A frozen pizza (hell no, we aren’t making jack shit from scratch), a 5 lb. bag of cheese of your choice, and whatever other toppings your heart desires. Fatty Factor: Enough to clog your arteries. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. - Unwrap the frozen pizza and drop handfuls of cheese all over it. - If you have any extra toppings, start layering them between cheese like you would taco dip. - If there’s anything still left in the bag of cheese, empty it onto the pizza. Don’t you remember it’s supposed to be extra deep? - Throw that work of art in the oven. Doesn’t matter if it’s not done preheating, just eyeball it. You’re smart; you go to college to learn good. - Anxiously wait for the best thing that you could ever stuff in your mouth. Probably 22 minutes or somethin’. - When it’s done, GET EXCITED, but don’t forget to grab oven mitts. If you don’t have any, winter gloves are a good substitute.

The Game Ends When: You can’t feel the icicles hanging off your body when you streak around campus. You’ve seen The Shining, right?

We all know you won’t be able to wait until it cools to try it so take a bite, inevitably scorching the top of your mouth, but don’t say we didn’t warn ya’. If you’re lactose intolerant, just locate the nearest bathroom.

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page 13

WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY BE DOING DURING FINALS WEEK READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE TALE OF ST. SMOKEY

TBS STaFF WroTe THIS

April is almost over, which means the end of spring semester is nigh. is the perfect time to catch up on all those amazing shows they keep But, before that glorious day, students must Powell get past one this last hurtalking about like breaking bad, mad men and game of thrones. Or, Nathan wrote dle: final exams. Now why in the world would anyone want to read you could just choose to catch up with the Kardashians. Should you an article about finals? Well, this isn’t really an article about finals at choose to go this route, we’ll send you a noose free of charge, you ‘Twas night before Christmas andanything to do with finals at all; in fact, it’sthe very much about avoiding know what to do. school on break, ”Young man over there,” shouted Ole Smoke, all costs. Seems rightwas up your alley. But some stoners were stuck here, “Would you mind sharing? I’m in need of afar toke. ” Or, if you’re looking enough ahead (remember, past finals) you outside getting could talk, there justyourself was no way! Since you’re not going to bebaked. productive – again, you’re Smokey not studycould coax into the gym to work on your summer bod. Not These kids had to been naughty, joy theeveryone night before Christmas day. ing for finals-you have find a way to pass the time.Spreading Hell, you’ve had the opportunity to go somewhere super-awesome for these kids deserved coal. wasnow cloaked fur, from his ears his paws, procrastinated your way through every semester upHe until andall inspring break, andtomany of those who lost out on the opportunity will One stoner “Heyof. man, pass the bowl!” Orange-and-white-checkered cap, following finals. Since our society tells us that you’ve donehad justshouted, fine…kind Remember, your parents don’t want go on a nice vacation large teeth in his you to succumb to peer pressure, and just because everyone is doit’s just notjaws. right for you to go to the beach without a proper set of The werethat huddled so tightly he had on his back ing it, stoners (studying) doesn’t mean and you shaking have to do it too.A bundle of toysabs or ﬂflung at stomach bared proudly, head to the gym and do some Wishing there were more Cheetos for the taking. And he looked like cardio, a peddler, peddling hischeck crack. out the opposite sex, and swim… and by work on abs, And of the stoners, a tired chap,to get your ass to a party, Classes areone over, which means youole’ need “swim” we mean “tan by the pool.“ Thought it wise go take a nap. filled with studying, His eyes, how they twinkled! His whiskers, how hairy! pronto. You’ve made it atowhole semester stupid His ears flopped about, bark was so merry! group projects and essays galore, and now it’s time to treat yourself And ifhis you’re thinking to yourself, “Man, I really need to start studyWhen out from Fort there arose such a clatter, His drool-dripping mouth was saggy with a party fullThe of beer, music, dancing and denying you still have ing,” stop. Have and youlow forgotten you also need to catch up with One stoner ran away to seeabout what was matter. everything And theishair of his belly was as white as thetimes snow.did you blow off your friends because responsibilities. And think howthe awesome going friends? How many Two friends remained, smoking theirFest stash, to be: Volapalooza and Fort Sanders will be this weekend, and you had to do schoolwork instead? Is it more than zero? This is your But the munchies prevailed andwill onebe hadlame, to dash. stump of the pipe he held tight in his with teeth,your friends and go on some awesome imeven if you think Volapalooza what withThe Tyga’s “Rack chance to reconnect And the smoke, it encircled hisadventures. head like a wreath. City” failing to dump those tens and twenties on your titties, think of promptu Go on a safari through the shady side of KnoxOneamazing stoner remained in the that new-fallen snowcrash. Between He hadclasses a long faceville, and his quitecan red;take the longest nap” contest in Hodges. all the after parties you could or eyes havewere a “who a quick realization, hepartying. had no place to go. He soon got the munchies, it wasit’ll time fed. andWith finals all signs point to Either way, betoaget whimsical adventure to a faraway land where When, what to his wondering eyes should appear: finals don’t exist and there’s nary a care in the world, besides gang A blue tick hound with eight orange reindeer. He sprang to his sleigh, he said “thanks for the puff, ” If you aren’t a partier there are plenty things for you to do as well, so violence and night terrors. Then Smokey looked to his reindeer you don’t skip straight to studying just because you don’t think we With a little old tail, so lively and pokey, and howled, “ruff, ruff!” can talk you into doing something that’s both fun and alcohol-free; Or pamper yourself by taking the time to eat good food, because The stoner thought quick: it must be St. Smokey! And away they all flew as high as a kite. we made a deal, no studying, dammit. For instance, you could catch your poor body has been living on Taco Bell and Cook-Out every Smokey turned to his deer, barking “ruff ruff,” “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!” up on a lot of TV. You know those mutant friends who are somehow drunken night. Reward yourself with an actual meal. You don’t cook? “Man,” said the stoner, “this must be good stuff!” able to keep up with all their schoolwork while spending hours upon Well, learn. Go on the internet and type in “food recipe, plz lol,” hours keeping up with all their shows. We know they suck, but now Google may not get the last half of it, but the first part is a shoe-in.

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Whatever you do, it’s more important than studying. Especially if it starts with “chicken” and ends with “carbonara” Listen, these life experiences can teach you as much -- nary, more!— than any classroom setting can. If you and Leslie hadn’t gotten shitfaced and made out at that party, how would you have learned about sexism in modern America? Didn’t that twelve-hour nap teach you a lot about your circadian rhythm? Or what about the cooking, who needs a degree when you can work as a fry guy at McDonalds? Screw studying, there’s a whole new world out there for you right now!

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The BluzzSheed 5 pieces of coal that don’t give a damn about gender roles

If your New Year’s resolutions were inspirational posters

1) “I like playing Barbies and football.”

“No more one night stands, unless he’s an 8.”

2) “Make yourself a goddamn sandwich.”

3) “Just because my ass looks good does not mean you can catcall me.”

“Starting tomorrow, every time my mom calls me fat she gets one less grandkid.” “I’m finally going to tell my boss to take a stick and shove it up his ass.”

4) “I don’t need to be a woman to enjoy the feel of satin panties on my ass.” 5) “This is a unisex miniskirt.”

“If we’re both still single this time next year let’s just have sex with each other.”

“I’m cutting down on drinking until I can get sloppy off three shots again.”

THE SEEK AND FIND

the HOW WILL YOU DRAMATICALLY AVOID FINALS? quiz 1) How many times do you skip class per week? a) What’s class? b) Never—except when I don’t feel like going. c) I’m too busy holding protests against Cheek’s totalitarian regime to go to class, man. 2) How do you study for your exams? a) Go to Hodges but stay in Starbucks talking to friends . b) Attempt to go to Hodges but never actually leave my apartment. c) What’s Hodges? 3) How strict is your professor? a) He might notice if I don’t show up. b) She might notice if she’s tied to a chair. c) What’s a professor? 4) Who’s your role model? a) Stifler from American Pie. b) Peyton Manning. c) Zach Galifianakis.

5) How many times do you hit the snooze button in the morning? a) You can do that? b) I just never set an alarm. c) At least five times. It’s cold in Tennessee, now.

8-13: TRY TO RESCHEDULE WITH YOUR PROFESSOR THEN CLAIM YOU NEVER RECEIVED THEIR EMAIL:

You’re pretty mild and unwilling to do anything too crazy to get out of your finals, but a little white lie? Who can that hurt? Send an email to your prof claiming that you already have two other finals that day and can you please take their final another day? Then delete their reply completely from your entire computer, and voila! They never replied, so you never took it.

6) How prepared are you for your finals? a) My final what? b) I’m prepared to look off my friend’s answers. c) Man, I’m not even sure when they are.

Not only do you want to ensure your own good grade on your final, you’re taking one for the team and kidnapping the prof so that the whole class can benefit. If the professor isn’t there, then it’s not your fault, and the university has to immediately give you all 100s!

7) What’s your stimulant of preference? a) Adderall. b) Cocaine. c) Pumpkin Spice Latte.

You’re willing to go way out there to get out of your finals. There’s no limit to what you’ll do, including faking a head injury that leads to a coma, that leads to a bout of amnesia specifically directed towards anything to do with college or, coincidentally, your finals.

14-19: KIDNAP YOUR TEACHER SO YOU ALL GET A’S:

8) What night do you go out? a) Yacht Club, Tin Roof, Yacht Club, Tin Roof, Yacht Club, Tin Roof b) Thursday through Sunday. c) Is that what college people do?

20-24: FAKE COMA-INDUCED AMNESIA:

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